All language subtitles for My.Old.Ass.2024.WEBRip

Oh, no!

Ruthie, you're fine.
I'm not even driving that fast.

It's your birthday, bitch!
It's her birthday!

You're legal now.
Now you got legal butt cheeks.

Oh, my God.
You can't say shit like that, Ro.

Oh, now we gotta stop here
so you can get with some,

- like, random girl, but whatever.
- Yeah.

She's not some random girl.

We've been, like, flirting with each other
since fucking grade eight.

I gotta at least shoot my shot
before I leave.

Hmm, if this works, you've officially
gotten every girl in town.

- Every single girl.
- That's true.

That's not true.
That's not true.

- Oh, shit! -
- I'm-I'm so sorry.

- Holy shit.
- I'm so sorry.

- Are you okay?
- Is my neck still there?

No, you're good,
you're good, you're good.

I'm gonna be honest and I'm gonna tell her
I'm leaving in three weeks.

If that leads to us banging...

that must have been God's plan.

That's out of my hands,
you know what I mean?

- Oh!
- You gotta slow down. You gotta slow down.

Bro.

I'm sorry, I'm like,
I'm so used to driving boats

that drive like this,
not this twisty wrist shit.

Maybe you should actually, like,
get your boating license.

I've been operating heavy machinery
since I was eight, Ruthie.

- Are you sure... Oh!
- Oh, shit, sorry.

You know...

- It's an idea.
- Help me pull it in. Pull it in.

I don't think boating licenses
are, like, a real thing.

It's like a formality.

- You guys got it? Okay.
- Yeah.

Okay, grab that rope at the end.

Oh, my gosh.

Life and fucking death experience
right there.

- Christ.
- Okay.

- Made it.
- It's go time.

You're alive. You got this.

- Have fun in there.
- Thank you.

You be safe, kid. Wrap it up.

- Oh, bitch, my back is thrown.
- Oh, my God.

I know. Like, my neck.

They're, like,
they're a medical marvel, right?

- That's true.
- They, like, cure our UTls.

- That is true.
- Right? We need them.

- Yeah, you're welcome.
- They fight for us, we should fight for them.

So...

You said you're leaving town
really soon, right?

- Twenty-two days.
- Okay, shit! It's like that?

You have to do a countdown?
You're just so in a rush?

Oh, yeah. I mean...

There is one thing
I'll really miss about this place.

Her hair is starting to melt.

It's going to ruin the surprise.

That looks like a sheep.

Took me an hour.

She'll be here soon.

No, so listen:

I had a uncle,
'cause my aunt married this guy

but then they got divorced,
but he had a guinea pig.

The PetSmart that he bought it from,

he had... she had a kid,
and the kid gave me the drugs.

Uh, so, a literal stranger.

No, I just told you...

No, listen, he said that
they're super rare

and that they're from South America.

Africa.

Do you just chew them?

I'll-I'll look it up.

Yeah, yeah. These South America?

How do you spell "hallucinogenic"?

That's Africa.

I-I don't know. "Mushrooms."

Um, I think you, like, chew them
or, like, maybe,

I heard you can make, like, some type
of herbal tea with them or some shit.

Finally!

No, we're not making tea with them.

I heard if you make tea with them,
you can't control how high you get.

Look at you.

What were you doing?

- Not now, Mom!
- Kathy, we're very busy, huh!

I'm trying to do drugs, Mom!

- I-I... Okay, wow, wow, wow. Okay.
- Oh. Oh.

I mean, if you're driving like that.

Pull.

Look, before we get too far into it,
should we make, like, an emergency plan

in case, in case anything bad happens?

No! Nothing bad is gonna happen.

That's, like, the whole point of shrooms.

Nothing bad happens on shrooms.

What if one of us, like, gets too high
and, like, says something fucked-up

and it, like, changes the fabric
of our friendship forever?

- Um, ten!
- Two point five.

No, not the whole bag.
That-that's way too many.

That's why you gotta get
your weight up.

To Elliott.

You old bitch!

May you experience a fucking,
I don't know, like,

a new level of consciousness
or some shit tonight.

Mm.

- Ro.
- Ro.

- - Oh, my God.
- You're burping.

- Oh, my God!
- I thought we were...

- Don't you guys want to get there?
- That's so...

- Yes, but...
- All right, one, two, three.

- Let's go, let's go.
- Mm.

- Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.
- I can't do it.

Chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it, chug it.
- It's so bad!

Chug it, chug it, chug it,
chug it, chug it.

Oh, I'm scared.

- Like, are you?
- No, actually, I'm a little...

I'm a little scared, too.

I'm weirdly not.

Oh!

- What the fuck was that?
- Um...

- Okay, um... - I feel like I need to call my mom.
- There are bears here.

- Let-let... Shh. Shut up.
- My mom told me.

Let's just be normal, guys,
and talk about something-something normal.

- Something... Something.
- Let's just talk about something normal.

Um, can you, like, talk about your hopes
and dreams or something, Elliott, please?

- My hopes and dreams?
- Yes.

- Fucking yes. Hopes and dreams.
- Word, word.

- I've got hopes and dreams. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Well...

I-I'm... I'm just excited that my life is,
like, finally about to start.

Um... I don't know.
Even though the world is, like,

literally on fire and...
full of uneducated racists,

I'm just, like, trying to force myself
to have hope.

And I just feel like moving to Toronto
and, like, living in the city

and going to school, like,
it all just feels right, you know?

Ugh, like, mad respect to my ancestors,

but I do not want to be
a third-generation...

I can't be a third-generation
cranberry farmer and, like,

live in a town with 300 people.

And I always feel bad
every time I say that, but it's, like,

I've got energy, I've got hype.

Like, the world... the world is literally
our fucking oyster.

Like, we've got to live.
You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Holy shi...

Oh, my God.

Are you tripping? Are you guys tripping?

I don't know.

I feel like grooving, man.
I feel like grooving.

What the fuck? Ru... Ruthie?

- Oh, my God.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ro!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

- They feel like grooving, man. Wow.
- Whoo!

Whoo.

I don't feel anything.

- You know, it's 'cause you don't tolerate drugs well.
- What the fuck?!

- Hey, freak.
- Who are you?

Oh, my God!

This is Maude Island.

My God, I used to love this place.

Damn, it's a shame some dickhead rich guy
bought it all up.

That sucks.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, my God, I miss chemicals. Mmm.

Who the fuck... are you?

Where did you come from?

You tell me. You're the one that took a
bunch of mushrooms and summoned me here.

Do you work for my dad?

Did he send you here to spy on me?

That is so something
he would do.

That's funny. But no.

God?

I don't know how to say this.

Yes.

Elliott, come on.

Dude, I'm you.

Well, I'm... I'm 39-year-old you.

- What?
- What's up?

What the f... What are you talking about?

You're me? Fuck off. What?

- You fuck off.
- Your teeth.

- Those aren't my teeth.
- So? What about my teeth? What?

There's a fucking gap in your teeth.
I don't have a gap in my teeth.

Yeah, dude, fuck you. Wear your retainer.

And your hair. It's so dry and it's dark.

- Take it easy.
- You have bangs.

I don't have bangs, I have no plan

- on getting bangs.
- Take it easy, bitch. First of all...

And your boobs are saggy.
My boobs aren't saggy.

Okay, you can't even see my boobs.

- I don't see it.
- Oh, my God.

Forgot how fucking dense I was.

Let me show you something.

Um, this...

Right? Nine years old.

Falling off that tractor
onto the broken fence.

Hurt like hell.

Left boob...
One cup smaller than the right.

And, uh, no.

It never catches up to the right,
but, honestly,

you get used to it and it's okay.

Guys can't really tell. Girls can, but...

Okay, more. Um, okay.

Okay.

Ta-da!

It's our missing pinkie toe.

Remember?

From the tequila accident
at Ruthie's second wedding?

Oh, fuck! That has not happened yet.

Shit, I shouldn't have said that.

Actually, I kind of miss my toe.
Can I see it?

Holy shit.

Okay. I'm high.

- Yeah.
- Nice!

Okay. I'm feeling it.

I'm having a reaction to the shrooms.

They are working.
I'm... I'm hallucinating.

I'm actually kind of hot
for being middle-aged.

Okay, fuck you.

I'm 39 years old. That's not middle-aged.

- No, that is middle-aged.
- No, it's not.

I am a very young adult.

- Really?
- Yes.

- I'm kind of getting MILFy vibes.
- Ooh, nobody says "MILF" anymore.

I'm kind of gagging over it.

Nobody says "gagging over it"
either, so...

Wait, oh, my God. Okay.

Tell me everything. Where do we live?
Do we have kids?

Are we, like, so happy and fulfilled?

Oh, my God, that is, yeah, wow.

I forgot how simple everything seemed.

Wait, that sounds dark.
Do you die? Am I dead?

Does the planet just burn up and, like,
explode and we all just suffocate

- and die?
- Oh, my God. Chill out.

- No, is there...
- Like, no, we're alive, we're alive.

This is turning into a bad trip.
I feel this is turning into a bad trip.

And I'm trying to have a good time,

but you're giving me
a fucking panic attack.

- Okay, no, chill.
- Just tell me something good.

Um, something good. Um...

Why are you struggling to find
something good from the future?

Ooh. This is good.

- Okay.
- You're going to be fucking psyched

- to know...
- Okay, tell me.

That you are a PhD student.

Fuck yeah.

No. What? You're joking.

But I don't want to tell you in what

because I want you to have something
to look forward to.

- Look forward to?
- Yeah.

Did you just tell me I'm in my 40s
and I'm still in school?

Thirties! Thirties!

Dude, what the fuck?

Did you honestly think that you were
going to be married

and have multiple kids and your dream job
by the time you were 40?

Oh, you did. Okay.

Wait.

I just got the best idea.

You tell me who the next Apple is,

I'll invest now,
and we can get insanely rich.

- Okay, I don't think that's a good idea.
- Why?

Because I don't know how this shit works.

I don't want to, like, fucking get
bad karma, or, like, I don't know.

One thing happens and then the other shit
happens and, like, I don't know.

What is the point of this conversation
if you can't give me some, like,

solid advice and then I can just
make our life better?

All right, that's not, like, the fix.
I don't, I don't think that's, like, the...

You're telling me that wouldn't fix
at least a couple of your problems,

- your current problems?
- I just, I don't think I...

Or is our life just so...

flawless and perfect,
you don't want to change anything?

Can you avoid anyone named Chad?

What?

Who the fuck is Chad?

You have one chance
to tell your younger self

your biggest life regrets,

and you ask me
to avoid someone named Chad?

- Yeah.
- Are you high?

No.

Just do it.

This is the weirdest fucking thing.

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you answer?

I'm not FaceTiming Mom when I'm high.

Dude, I know Mom can be annoying,
but, like, be nice to her.

I'm so nice to Mom!

I literally let her talk to me yesterday
about a hummingbird for 45 minutes.

- That's cute.
- It was annoying.

Honestly, you should hang out with her.

Like, hang out with her.
Do stuff with her.

Oh, my God.
That's who you look like! Mom!

That's who you look like.

You look exactly like Mom. What the fuck?

- I know. I know.
- Do you get that?

Yes. All the time. Everybody says that.

- No.
- Everybody.

Holy shit. That's crazy.
Everyone just turns into their mothers.

Yeah, basically.

Honestly, I thought it was a bad thing,
but I kind of like it now.

- Mom's cool.
- It works. It works.

- Mom's cool.
- It works.

Can we hug?

Get in here.

- This is so weird.
- Mm-hmm.

I thought I'd be happier at 40.

You are happy, and I'm not 40, asshole.

You don't look happy.

I feel like...

you're having a midlife crisis.

Well, I feel like you're high on mushrooms
so you don't know shit.

True.

I have an idea.

- Can we kiss?
- No.

- What? Why?
- Why?

It's just a kiss.
It's not, like... sexual.

- A kiss is innately sexual.
- No, it's not.

Why do you want to kiss yourself?

You don't want to know what it's like
to kiss yourself?

I mean, yes, I do, but it's like
you're younger so it's weird.

Okay, can I at least touch my old ass?

Oh, my God. You need to be locked up.

- Just a quickie. I'm not gonna, like...
- Fine, do it.

- I'm not gonna, like, shove tongue in your mouth.
- Fine, kiss me, I don't care.

- Really?
- Fine.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

I just wanted to know
what it was like to kiss myself.

- Okay. Well, now you know.
- I loved it.

- Now you know.
- Wow.

That was fucking hot, and you know it.

Okay, can I say one last thing?

Oh, God.

I mean, you already told me
I'm a mature student in the future,

so it literally can't get any worse.

No, I'm serious.

You are so lucky.

Life will never be the same
as it is right now.

Great.

You're gonna go to the city
and everything's gonna be

exciting and busy and...

You don't even go home
for Thanksgiving this year.

You stay in the city.

You should go home.

The only thing you can't get back is time.

When you get older,
it goes by so fast, dude.

So fast. It sucks.

Elliott.

Elliott.

- Oh, my God.
- Mm. What?

Where's your phone?

Phone.

Titties.

Titties?

You weirdo.

And then the bunny sang
and it sounded like Celine Dion.

Like, so beautiful and good.

And then, like, hundreds of smaller
bunnies all came out of the woods.

They spoke Mandarin, though, so, like,

I'm not sure what the lyrics meant,
but they felt beautiful.

I'm so jealous you guys had good trips.

Nah, I mean, meeting your older self
sounds lit as fuck.

I feel like you don't
tolerate drugs well, Elliott.

Oh! I didn't know you were here.

Yeah, I got back a little bit ago.

I tried to call.

We had a cake for you.

- No.
- Yes.

Mom, you guys had a cake?

Yeah.

- I'm sorry. I...
- No, it's okay.

I thought I told you
I was leaving early with Ro.

Oh. Well, maybe you did.
You know, I probably forgot.

I'm sorry.

No, don't be sorry.

Did you have fun?

Yeah.

You know, it was so cold last night.

I was wondering
if you had enough blankets.

Yeah, we were, we were fine.

Yeah? Well, at least it didn't rain.

You know, I was looking at the radar,

and it said there was
15% chance of rain at 7:00,

but, you know, then it went east.

Yeah, we were good.

Okay, uh...

I'll leave you to it.

Mm, I've never hooked up on a boat before.

What are you guys doing?

Spencer!

What are you doing down here
at the ass crack of dawn?

It's 11:00.

It's 11:00? Shit!

I'm here! I'm here!

I'm sorry I'm late.

Almost gave up on you, kiddo.

Whoa!

What the fuck?!

- Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
- What the fuck?

How long have you been here for?
I've been here for, like, five minutes.

About five minutes, then.

What were you doing down there
for so long?

That's some weird shit.

I was just swimming around.
I wasn't doing any weird stuff.

Okay, well, fuck, I'm naked,
so don't come over here.

Or, like, don't go under
and open your eyes or some shit.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Just so you know...

there's, like...
zero visibility down there.

Like, I couldn't even see, like, a Subway
sandwich length in front of me, so...

You're okay.

Okay. All right.

I had such a fun first day.

I learned so much stuff about cranberries.

Did you know that a cranberry
has four pockets of air?

Wait, wait, wait.
You work here, Washington?

Yeah, boy.

Tom is actually such a cool guy.

You're lucky he's your dad.

How did you know he's my dad?

'Cause you got the exact same face.

Except you're the girl version.

- Sick.
- Same cheeks.

Thanks. I love hearing that.
It's really nice.

What's your real name?

Chad.

What? What did you just say?

I said my name's Chad.

Is that short for anything?
Chadwick? Chandler?

Uh, Charles, Chad Michael Murray?

- Nope. It's just Chad.
- No? Okay.

Oh, my God. I gotta go!
I gotta go! Turn around.

- S-Sorry.
- Like, close your eyes or something. Jesus.

Hey, wait. What's your name?

It's, um... Ray!

Raymond Romano!

Like that guy?

Ooh. A bowl of rice. That's never good.

They're supposed to be waterproof.
Or, well, water-resistant.

Cool, yeah, thanks, Spencer.

Holy shit! This worked.

Who is this? Who the fuck is this?

I'm serious, you do not want
to fuck with me. I'm not the one.

Oh, wow, you sound so tough.
Elliott, you freak, it's me.

It's me! I put my number
in your phone the other night,

but, honestly, I did not know
this would work. This is crazy.

Wait. So, are-are you following
all of my advice

and hanging out with the family?

Oh, have you
played golf with Max yet?

I really think you should.

No! No, I haven't played golf with Max yet

because up until two hours ago
when I met Chad,

I thought you were just a figment
of my fucked-up mushroom brain.

So give me a fucking second...

Oh, my God, you're so dramatic.

To comprehend the fact
that I'm on the phone with my old ass.

I thought that was funny.

I didn't let you touch it, so I felt bad.

Wait. So are you, like,
at the farm right now?

It must be... Oh, it's 6:30. Oh, my gosh.

You guys are gonna sit down for dinner.
That's so sweet.

Did Dad make his salmon?

Ugh, I miss salmon so much.

Eat all of it now while it's still around.

You know what would be so funny?

Do the fish lip thing that Mom loves.
It'll make her laugh.

- Wait, is Mom dead?
- What?

Are you telling me to make Mom laugh
'cause she's fucking dead?

No! No, no.

We just can't do the-the fish...

What? No. She's totally alive. Chill.

Thank God. I need to die before Mom dies.

Dude, that's fucking dark.

I have to tell my therapist you said that.

Oh, wait a minute. Hang on.

Basement! Basement!

Uh, look, dude, I gotta go.
I-I'll call you later.

Sweetheart,
do you need anything else?

Here, yeah. Can you pass me that?

I can't believe this is, like...

real.

I know.
Me either, honestly.

So weird.

Okay, what do we do now?

Uh, I don't know.

I guess you take my advice
and make our life better?

Jesus. No pressure.

But I don't want to tell you
too much, okay?

I'm afraid I'll ruin, like,
the surprises of life or whatever.

No, no, no, no. It's fine.
We hate surprises, remember?

Yes, we hate them. Also, we have, like,
no idea how this works,

so maybe you don't tell anyone about this?

Yeah, I was not planning on that.

And you won't tell our gorgeous wife
and three children either, right?

Three children?
Oh, my God, Elliott.

Nobody's allowed to have
three children anymore.

Look, just listen to me.

Don't do anything stupid,
and we'll be fine.

- It's gonna work. I promise. - Elliott.
- I think.

- Fuck! Fuck! Shit!
- Oh, shit!

Whoa-ho! Shit!

Got you, got you.
Okay, and if I don't kill us,

will you tell me when we have
our first threesome?

Oh, my God, dude,
I wish I had the energy

to have sex with one person, let
alone two. - C ome on!

Go hang out with your brothers.

- Alakazam!
- Oh!

I don't think you remember
how annoying they are.

Why do you even want to come?

Because I'm leaving soon,
and I want us to bond.

Anything new in your life?

Not really.

Are you gonna miss me when I'm gone?

No.

Fair.

Dude, there's absolutely no way
this is making our life better.

Dude,
you played one game. Try harder.

Ow! Max!

Hi.

- Hi.
- Can I help you with anything?

Uh, you can take out the garbage.

This advice
literally sucks dick, dude.

Shut up. You
literally suck dick. -

Ray! Raymond!

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Is that Chad?

- Yo, get the fuck out of there.
- I am.

- Run!
- I literally am.

I told you
to stay away from that guy.

I know.

I got this. We're-we're good.

You're stressing over nothing.

I'm not gonna fuck this up.

Oh, fuck.

What's going on?

I saw one of those motherfucking
evil snakes! I swear to God!

- What did it look like?
- It was, it was brown and it was, like,

this big and it fucking looked right at me
and laughed!

I'll be right back.

Look, I got him!

I got him.

He put up a good fight, but in the end,

I was stronger, smarter
and faster than him.

Something is wrong with you.

How much horsepower does your boat have?

How do you know I have a boat?

Because I saw you driving it.

- Okay, Peeping Tom.
- I wasn't Peeping Tom-ing.

I was just looking out at the open water.

Will you take me for a ride sometime?

No!

No, I'm not going to take you for a ride.

I barely know you.

You could be, and you most likely are,
a fucking murderer.

I'm not a murderer. I promise.

You, I... You are a murderer. I'm, like...

I won't murder you.

How 'bout that?

Plus, it's, like...
it's a tiny bit broken right now anyways.

What happened?

I have no idea. I went down earlier
and it just didn't start.

Maybe I can fix?

What are you, a mechanic murderer now?

No.

But I worked at my dad's mechanic shop
my whole life.

Oh.

Are you bonded and insured?

Just let me fix the damn boat, Romano!

Can you hand me those pliers?

Are you gonna take over the farm one day?

I have zero... zero desire to be a farmer.

Plus, my brother wants to do it,
so I'm just, like, "Cool, you do it."

My middle brother.

My younger brother
just wants to move to Ireland

and marry this famous actress
whose name I can never say right.

Saoirse Ronan, right?

Why do you know that?

Oh, 'cause I love her, man.
Have you seen Little Women?

Yeah. A hundred times.

So, if you weren't a farmer,
what would you be doing?

I don't know.
Not totally sure yet.

What was that?

I just thought that if you didn't want
to take over your family legacy,

then maybe you'd have
some sort of big aspiration.

You know, like, saving the planet or...
becoming prime minister or something.

Well, I can't speak French, Chad,

so my dreams of becoming prime minister
have sadly been put to bed.

Like, what the fuck?

J'ai réparé votre bateau.

Le conduit de carburant était laîche.

De rien.

On peut faire un petit tour?

Okay, I'm never going on a boat ride
with you, okay?

You can speak French.

Yeah, well...

I'm smarter than I look, Chad.

I think you look smart.

Stop being so nice!

Okay!

Fucker!

No!

Okay, can you
just tell me, like,

what does this Chad guy do, again?

'Cause, honestly, he seems so harmless.

Like, I've never been less threatened
by anyone, I don't think.

Oh, God. What happened?

- Nothing. Nothing happened.
- Tell me.

He was acting all nice
and he fixed the boat and...

You let him fix the boat? No.

He basically made me let him.

Okay?

Don't you remember that?

Yeah, I do.

He's like...

He's like this weird mix
of being so lovable...

- Oh, my God.
- That I just want to protect him,

- and then being so basic I want to punch him...
- Oh, my God.

In his weirdly symmetrical face.

Elliott, do not have sex with him.

Jesus! I'm not gonna...

I can admit someone's face is symmetrical
and not fuck them.

- God.
- God.

Hello?

No more boat rides with Chad.

Promise?

Dude, are you okay?

You should get some sleep. It's late.

Have you ever, like,
off-roaded with this thing?

Just, like, like, monster truck style?

- No.
- I would.

Sorry I'm not cool like you.

Hey, you're cool.

Mom and Dad tell you
to say that, too?

What does that mean?

I know they asked you to hang out with me.

Otherwise, you'd never be seen with me.

You're an idiot.
They didn't ask me to hang out with you.

Do you actually think I wouldn't want
to be seen with you?

I mean... yeah.

Why?

'Cause I'm everything
that annoys you:

I like farming, I play sports,
I hate Euphoria.

On my last birthday card, you wrote,
"I'd wish you a happy birthday,

but cis white men
don't need any more happiness."

That was a joke.

It was!

Okay, sorry. I should have written,

"The gender binary is killing us all.
I hope you don't outlive the planet."

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I know I've been, like...

like, narrow-minded about some stuff,
and that's fucked-up.

So, I'm sorry.

And I genuinely think you're, like...

the realest, like... good person vibes.

And I'm not embarrassed
to be seen with you.

I thought you were embarrassed
to be seen with me.

Oh, I am.

Didn't realize
it was such a precise sport.

- This is why I say that the form is important, all right?
- And I'm sore. Why am I sore?

'Cause you're not...
You don't have the right form.

- Hi.
- Hi, pumpkin.

How was your day?

It was fine.

How was yours?

Very good.

Good.

Okay, if we weren't
the same person

and you just met me at a party,
do you think you'd even like me?

Okay. You want to know

what's one of the best things
about getting older?

What?

You stop worrying so much
about if other people like you.

- Mm.
- It's kinda great.

I feel like...

feel like I've been kind of an asshole.

Ah, you're just 18.

Honestly, everyone's kind of an asshole
at that age.

Why?

Are you okay?

Elliott? Hello?

I just feel like everything

that used to make sense doesn't anymore.

- Yeah.
- Like, even Chelsea.

Like, she's... she's literally been
my dream girl for so long.

- Like, you know how long.
- Yeah, I know.

And she's so hot and the sex is so amazing.

Yeah.
- I'm-I'm so confused. Like, why aren't I more into this?

Well, this isn't
gonna be the last time

you get exactly what you want
and then realize it isn't what you wanted.

How do you ever know
what you want, then?

Like, when you actually fall in love,
how do you know that it's real?

Uh... you don't.

I feel like it's just, like,
everything feels right,

even when it's really hard...
Correct me if I'm wrong.

Uh, yeah, you're wrong. You're very wrong.

Sorry.
It's just hard to explain.

Try! Give me something!

Okay. God! I mean, okay.

Love... like, healthy love...

I guess it's like...

safety and freedom all at once?

Sick. Sick.

Safety and freedom. Okay.

Okay, look, I know it doesn't
sound romantic to you, but it is.

Trust me. God.

Wow.
That's-that's pretty impressive.

Did you see any monkeys?

Give your little brother a break.

Oh, good morning, Elliott.

Have you met Chad?

- Um...
- He's working here this summer.

He was kind enough to come and help Dad
with the tractor this morning.

Come on, sit down.
Have some pancakes before they get cold.

Here, yeah. Could you pass me that?

Yeah.

Sup?

So, uh, you were telling us
about your plans after undergrad.

Oh, yeah. Um...

Yeah, well, I originally wanted
to get into engineering,

but now I think I'm leaning
more towards biotechnology.

- Hmm.
- And, um,

hopefully getting my master's
in pharmaceutical science,

uh, to focus on, like, underfunded
cancer drug research and stuff.

- That's very cool.
- Yeah.

A literal angel in our presence.

If you want to be a drug doctor,

why are you spending your summer
on a cranberry farm?

Ah, for the money and the fame.

He's a Chatsworth, Elliott.

One of the original
cranberry farmers in the area.

Owned the place two lines down.

His grandfather was close friends
with your grandfather.

You two are-are practically blood.

Are we... related?

Well, I think it's wonderful
that you're staying with your grandmother.

She must be thrilled.

Yeah, I-I never, um,
met my grandfather or, um,

uh, even got to see the farm
before it got sold or anything,

- 'cause he died before I was born, but...
- Hmm.

Yeah, it's been,
it's been really nice.

I think I just wanted to...
get in touch with my roots,

if that isn't the cheesiest thing
you've ever heard.

No. It's not cheesy.

That's wonderful.

- Mm. - No. I think that's nice.
- No.

We're late for our tee time, Max.

Oh, uh...

Chad, do you want to come golfing with us?

You want Chad to come?

- You don't have to. You really...
- I, if...

I would love to, if that's...

Okay, great.
Let me get you some coffees to go.

Oh!

Dude, what?

You're insane.

You're the real deal.

- You're a professional golfer. Okay.
- Come on.

You should have told me.

I'm about to embarrass myself.

Oh, come on. I'm sure you're better
than you think you are.

Nope.

Elliott, uh, Elliott said you were gonna
take over the farm, man.

You should just be a golfer.

Yeah, I mean, my mom and dad
are selling the farm, so...

might be my only option now.

What?

Who told you Mom and Dad
are selling the farm?

Uh, Mom and Dad.

What?

Dude, what the fuck?

Actually, what are you talking about?

What? Like they would tell you and not me.

They thought you wouldn't care
'cause you're not taking it over anyway.

- What?
- All you do is talk about leaving.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mom and Dad are not selling the farm.

We'll go to them and be, like,
"This is fucked, you can't sell it,"

- and they won't sell it.
- I already tried that. It didn't work.

Fuck, really?

Max!

Why are you acting like
this isn't a big deal?

- Why are you not upset?
- I am upset.

- You don't look upset at all.
- Well, I've known for a while.

You've known for a while?

So, I'm old upset.

Old upset is different than new upset.

How have I been so left out of this?

You kind of leave yourself out,
Elliott.

Max!

Dad! You're selling the farm?!

This is insane.

This? This is our lifeblood.
This is our roots.

Our-our blood, sweat and tears,
our history, our literal life.

I'm really sorry, Elliott.

I honestly didn't think
you'd care.

Are you selling it
because I'm not taking it over?

No, there are lots of reasons,
none of which have to do with you.

I'm really sorry, Elliott.

It's already in progress.

We got a really good offer
we couldn't turn down.

We'll pass it over after the fall harvest.

And you were just never
going to mention it?

Of course we were. We tried a few times.

Hard to peg you down, kiddo.

Thought you'd be happy about it.

All you talk about is leaving this place.

My God! I assumed it would always be here!

You know what they say:

Assumptions are made.
Most assumptions are wrong.

Is that what they say, Dad?

Why don't you put it
on a hand towel, then?!

Where are you?
Why are you not answering?

I've sent you, like, 50 fucking messages.

Max told me about the farm.

Is there anything I can do, like...
to stop it?

I only have a week left here.

Just please call me, okay?

Are you doing anything right now?

You want to help me sell my boat?

Yeah, I had heard
some rumors, like,

about zoning changes and it was affecting
the reservoir ponds and...

Something like that,
and I... I don't know.

I didn't know it was
a for-sure thing, but...

Fuck.

So even the summer boy workers
knew about it before me.

Whoa! Summer boy workers?

I was fine leaving.

I was really excited to leave, but...

I just always thought it was
going to be here to come back to.

So, it feels really different now.

'Cause when I leave,
I'm saying goodbye forever.

And I hate goodbyes.

I just really wish that time
would just stop for a second

so I could enjoy it
for a little bit longer.

Sorry. I shouldn't be venting
all this at you,

- like, throwing it at you.
- What?

Dude, no, I... I actually, uh, I get it.

Do you remember the last time
you went out with friends as a kid

and just played pretend the whole day?

I remember doing that a lot.

Yeah? Do you remember
the very, very last time you ever did it?

Isn't that sad?

You know, to think that there was a time

when you were out biking around
with your friends,

pretending you were getting chased
by zombies,

you were just all dirty and sweaty
and having the best time and then...

you went home and parked your bike
in the garage and went to bed,

not realizing that that was the last time
you were ever going to get to do that.

But then, the thing about
not saying goodbye is that you also miss

savoring when it's gonna be, like,
the last time you get to do that thing.

I don't know, I, I...

sort of...

It doesn't make sense.

It was deep as hell, Chad.

Yeah.

I went to Poetry University.

Majored in deepness.

- Oh, my God! Fuck.
- Oh!

Sorry.

No, you're good. I...

- Um...
- Um...

Sorry, uh...

No, it's... Yeah, I...

I have to go.
I have a dentist appointment.

- You... you have a dentist appointment?
- Yeah.

I, my tooth... My tooth is...
fucked-up, so I have to,

I have to go,
but can you just get the, um...

At this, this dock, can you just take it
the rest of the way?

- I-I mean...
- Just back to my house is fine.

- Just, I just have to go.
- Okay.

Do you have
your boating license?

- No.
- Okay.

Fuck.

I mean, there's only a few stems
and broken bits left.

That should be enough for just me, right?

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.

Wait, yo. What's going on with you?

You've been MIA as fuck lately,

and then you show up here manic as hell
on a Wednesday

during the random-ass part of the day
asking for-for shroomies.

I've been so busy.
The busiest I've ever been.

- Right.
- It's like... it's not like that.

Why are you looking at me like that?
I'm fine.

Is this about the farm?

It's about so many things.

But just trust me when I say
it's so complicated.

Okay? Okay.

I mean, I'm not just gonna let you
go alone in the woods.

I mean, uh... Oh, it's...
I think that's a good amount.

Delicious.

Fuck me.

Do you think I'm high yet?

No.

Okay, so I just did the shrooms.
Again.

Don't get mad! I'm just trying to...

conjure you again because you won't answer
your fucking phone

and I really need to talk to you
and I don't know how this works,

so if you get this, I'm on Maude Island.

And I'm high.

Well, I-I will be high.

Oh, my God.

Ro?

Ro?

Dude, this isn't funny.

Ro?

Dude, what the fuck?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Ro texted me and said you wanted
to talk to me about something.

What?

They just left.

What the fuck?

What did you want to talk to me about?

Ro said something about you wanting
to let me inside of your world.

What the fuck is going on?

I think I'm your
one less lonely girl, Elliott.

How did you know about
my Bieber fantasy as a nine-year-old?

I know that while all the other girls
screaming in the crowd

wanted to be the one less lonely girl,

you wanted to be Bieber
handing out those roses.

Now's your chance.

All right, let's go.

What the fuck?

What in the fuck?!

Who are you?

I'm changing, I'm growing.

- You are!
- I'm learning.

Do what you want to do
and fly like a bird.

Wow.

I actually don't ever want to talk to you
about this ever again.

- Why?
- I got what I needed from this conversation.

Moving forward, there's nothing...
We're not talking about it anymore.

Okay.

Oh, God. Justin fucking Bieber.

I could use some butter.

Maybe some, um, salt.

Okay.

I have a confession.

Low-key. A low-key confession, okay?

I have, like...

weird feelings for someone.

Okay.

But...

the fucked-up part is it's, um...

It's a guy.

Oh, shit.

You like a guy?

Wow.

This all makes so much sense now.

- Am I bi?
- Oh, shit.

What does this actually fucking mean?

I...

I-I mean, shit, if you like him and...

I've just always been so sure
that I was only into women.

Like, it's never been
even a thought for me.

I don't know. Like, I've just always...

I've just always been into women.

But I'm just, when I'm with him...

Like, dude.

- Fuck.
- No, it's fucked. It is actually fucked.

Just 'cause you like a man
doesn't make you any less queer.

I don't think any less of you
for being straight.

No, sorry.

Straight?

That's the fucking worst thing
you've ever called me in my life.

Like, you said it yourself
about-about labels and shit,

and if they feel useful, then use them.

And if they stop feeling useful,
then stop using them.

- Hmm.
- You told me that.

Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart.
Your motherfucking gut.

Listen to your gut.

But I've also gotta listen to my old ass.

You like asses now or something?

- Yeah.
- Same.

I've been wanting to talk...

I've been wanting to talk to you
about this for a while.

- I, like, want to meet him.
- Shut up.

Is he cute?

Oh!

- Do you love it?
- Spencer!

I still have three walls to finish
before I move in.

Could you not have waited till I left?

I actually thought you left.

I'm not sleeping in that bed tonight
with her staring at me.

Girl, this is not okay.

Could you put this up there?
I need to see the balance.

Where?

Right there.

- Here?
- No, uh, over there.

Uh, up. Uh, down.

- Uh, little to the left.
- Oh, my God.

Ugh. Can't believe
you leave in a few days.

You excited?

I was thinking about you last night.

And about how, when you were two...

and you still hadn't
slept through the night. Ugh.

Oh, God,
you were such a terrible sleeper.

I had to rock you for ages,

and you were so specific
in what you wanted.

I had to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle."

And you needed your blanket.

And you had to have two pacis,
one in each hand, and a bottle.

- Why was I so demanding?
- I don't know!

It tracks.

And I remember one night,

I think I must have been singing
"Twinkle, Twinkle" for about 45 minutes.

And my throat was so dry
and my legs were all cramped

and I thought, "Oh, Lord.
I just can't do this for another second."

You should have thrown me in my crib
and told me to get over myself.

I know.

So, what did you do?

I kept rocking you.

Mom! Self-care!

I know.

But I remember one night,
shortly after that...

you turned to me
and you just said, "Crib."

All matter-of-fact.

And so, I put you down

and you looked at me and you smiled.

And then you rolled over
and you fell asleep.

Just like that.

And I was so proud of you...

'cause you didn't need me
to get you to sleep anymore.

But, at that moment...

I also realized that I wasn't
going to get to rock you anymore.

And I guess that's how I feel now.

Really proud of you...

but also a little bit sad.

I'm gonna miss you.

- So much.
- Aw.

And I still need you.
Like, I'm literally an idiot.

- I don't know anything, so...
- No.

You're not an idiot.

Shh. Shh.

- I'm so excited to meet him.
- Whoa.

- Why am I sweating?
- Why are you so nervous?

You introduce us
to every girl you're banging

- within, what, like 30 seconds?
- We're not...

- That's true.
- Oh, you're not banging?

Hey.

Um, these are my best friends.
This is Ruthie, and this is Ro.

- Hi.
- Hey. - Ro.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

I cannot believe someone actually wants
to purchase this boat.

I know! Right when I came up with
the perfect name for it, too.

Ready?

Piece of Ship.

- Womp-womp.
- No?

- That's the best you could come up with?
- Okay.

My alternative was
Motor? I Hardly Know Her.

Right there! Golden. Much better.

Or I had, I had Ship-Faced.

Master Baiter.

- Master Baiter. That's classic.
- Um...

- Playbouy.
- Play... Yo, how-how does she have so many names?

- That's What Sea Said.
- I see why it works.

That's What Sea Said is good, too, yeah.
There...

There's so many options.

Wait, did...

Did you clean her?

Uh, yeah, you know, just a little bit.

This looks amazing.

All the rust is literally gone.

How did you do that?

You know, just popped in a podcast,
little bit of soap.

Four to six hours of scraping.

It was no... it was nothing.
I was, I was chillin'.

You want to take her out
for one last spin?

We're, no... we're actually,
we're late for something.

We gotta head out.

- If there was, like, four of us on this boat, we would all sink.
- Yeah, right?

Like, we gotta go, yeah, but, bro.

Way to make it obvious.

It was good to meet you guys.

- Bye.
- Have fun.

- Bye, guys.
- You guys... be so safe, okay? - Be safe!

- Mm-hmm.
- Nice to meet you both. - Nice to meet you.

Don't rock the boat too much.

- Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
- Sorry.

What are you doing?

Whoa!

How's it chillin' over there?

I'm chillin'... chillin' good over here.

Oh!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, why are you laughing?

What the fuck? What do I do?

- Do we go back and get it?
- You know what?

We cut the price to 350.

Motor's at the bottom of Lake Muskoka now.

Fuck!

Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

My dad's got, like, a whole stack
of old motors in his shop.

It's fine.

Shit.

- Go, go, go, go!
- Oh, my God.

- What the hell? Why is the rain so cold?
- It's so fucking cold.

- It's so fucking cold. Hoodie?
- What?

- Wow.
- I know. I come prepared.

Turn around.

Don't look.

I'm not looking.

Thanks for the sweater.

Anytime.

It's warm.

Good.

Do you feel like you found
what you were looking for by coming here?

What do you mean?

You mentioned something about...

like, wanting to get in touch
with your roots.

Like learning about cranberry farming
and stuff, so I just, I don't know.

I wanted to know
if you felt like you did that.

Yeah, actually.

Um...

My whole life,
my family's been telling me,

you know, how much I remind them
of my grandfather.

So I-I, I think...

at least coming here,
I-I got to know him or...

understand him a little bit better.

Which is cool.

It's very cool.

Where do you normally live?

- Toronto.
- What?!

- Yeah.
- I'm going to U of T in, like, a week.

I go to U of T.

Wait, what?!

How have we never
fucking talked about this?

I don't know, man.

Cold?

I'm gay.

Cool.

I thought I was gay.

You thought you were gay?

Yeah.

Till I met...

this person named Gary.

- Gary.
- Gary.

And Gary made me realize that, um...

I don't know, I'm bi or maybe pan.

I've, like, yet to figure that out.

But yeah.

Okay.

And then my friend...

Oh, my God.
And then my friend was like,

"Ah, don't do it. Gary's bad news."

Whoa. Bad news?

Mm-hmm. Bad news.

What, what did Gary do?

Well, she wouldn't tell me
exactly what Gary did, but...

I just... it... yeah, it was...
I just was not supposed to go there.

With him.

Hmm.

This friend of yours
sounds rather elusive.

Oh, yeah.
She's a real fucking buzzkill, but...

I'm supposed to listen to her, so...

Hmm.

What does your gut tell you to do?

Re: Gary.

My gut?

My gut is, um...

pretty interested
in what Gary's all about.

- I see.
- Mm.

I like looking at your face.

I like looking at your face.

I want to kiss you.

I want to kiss you.

Stop copying everything I say.

Sorry, you know I don't have a brain.

Don't make me insecure about it.

Sorry, I'm bad at this, so...

♪ Let it die ♪

♪ And get out of my mind ♪

♪ We don't see eye to eye ♪

♪ Or hear ear to ear ♪

♪ Don't you wish ♪

♪ That we could forget that kiss ♪

♪ And see this for what it is...

I've never had...

dick sex before.

Do you want to have...

dick sex?

Maybe.

♪ Of a broken heart ♪

♪ Isn't the ending ♪

♪ So much as the start ♪

I'd invite you in, but...

I don't really want my parents to know
I hooked up with a summer boy worker.

- How embarrassing for you.
- It's not good for me.

See you later?

Mm-hmm.

- Okay, you need to go.
- Okay.

- I don't want them to see you.
- I'm going, I'm going.

Stop staring at my butt!

- Psst!
- Oh, my God.

- What was that?
- What the fuck?

What the fuck are you doing here?

- Were you kissing Chad?
- No.

- No?
- No. A little.

What the fuck is that?

Dude, where the fuck
have you been? I thought you fucking died.

Dude, I was gone for four days, okay?

Four days on my Hubbya retreat.

I get back, I have 200 messages from you.

What the fuck is Hubbya?

It's, uh, transcendental meditation,
but better, actually.

Penelope Disick invented it.

Oh, fuck, I was so worried about you.

I had to eat, like, three pounds of
my girlfriend's friend's weed to get here.

- Oh, fuck.
- Are you okay?

What is that? Why? Why?

It's not even dragonfly season yet.

There are no dragonflies, dude.

Dude, I told you,
we don't tolerate drugs well.

- I don't know what to tell you.
- Oh, my God.

I'm really high.
I need water or something.

You can't just disappear like that.

You should have told me
you were going on some hoobie retreat.

- Hubbya.
- I found out about the farm.

- And then all the Chad stuff happened.
- What?

What Chad stuff?

- What? What?
- I, uh...

That's what I've been trying to,
like, talk to you about.

- I've been trying, okay? Really hard.
- Uh-huh.

And I get it now.
Like, all the other advice was so good.

Like, I was taking so much
of our life and...

our family, like, for granted.

Yeah, I see that now, okay?

- Okay, well, you're welcome.
- Mm-hmm.

But I...

I was just too scared to tell you...

when I started falling in love with Chad.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't want to let you down or...

like, mess up our life
or something, but...

Just say it.

We had sex.

I know. I'm sorry.

I know you told me not to.

But...

Dude.

Everything about him...

like, feels so right.

I'm sorry, but I've tried so hard
to find one bad thing about him,

and I literally can't.

Dude, I don't understand
why we wouldn't want to be with him.

I just need you to tell me what he did.

Like, just fucking lay it out 'cause I'm
not gonna be able to stay away from him.

Like, the connection is too real.

So, just fucking tell me what he did.

- No.
- What did he do?

- Tell me what he does.
- I can't.

I swear to God... Tell me.

It literally cannot be that bad.

He died.

That's what he did.

Chad dies.

And he dies after you have fallen
so madly in love with him

that you can't see straight, okay?

After you can't imagine
loving anybody else ever again.

And no, you can't save him.

I know that's what you're gonna say,
but no, you can't save him.

There's nothing you can do.

And-and you can't find
anything bad about Chad

because there isn't anything bad
about Chad, okay?

Elliott, it is so hard, okay?

It is so, so hard, and I do not want you
to have to feel that shit.

No.

No?

No, I'm gonna fall in love with Chad.

I'm gonna love him...

so hard for however long we have.

Yeah, you're just saying that
because you're young and dumb.

Okay, but if you weren't young and dumb,

you'd never fucking be brave enough
to do anything.

If you knew how shitty
and unfair life would be,

you'd never leave your house.

You'd never enjoy
spending time with anyone

because you'd just be thinking about
the fact that they're gonna die someday.

But when you're young and dumb,
you don't even think about that.

And that's what lets you actually live.

So maybe being young and dumb
isn't such a bad thing.

Have you ever thought about that?

Hey, Elliott.

You dropped this.

Sorry to interrupt.

Can you see her?

See her?

Yes.

Am I not supposed to?

Cool, cool. Um...

- This is my Uncle Michelle.
- Michelle.

Hey. I'm Chad.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too... Chad.

I've never met an uncle named Michelle.

That's funny.

So, I hate to be
the bearer of bad news,

um, I think this got run over by a car.

Like...

I don't know, but it wasn't me.

I don't know what happened. Uh...

We can try to get it out with, like,
like, bleach or something.

And, you know, some...
some good old scrubbing.

But I just thought I would
get it back to you...

Could be a new thing,
roadkill chic.

Um...

I will catch you guys later.

No, no, don't, don't leave. Um...

I was about to leave, so you stay.

- What?
- Stay with Elliott.

- No, you weren't.
- Yes, I was.

No, you weren't.

Yes, I was.

It was really nice to meet you... Chad.

Yeah, it was good to meet you, too.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she'll be okay.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I think this is more of
a baking soda situation,

now that I'm thinking about it,
'cause I...

I-I think if we put bleach on it,
it would turn it all orange and stuff.

But, I don't know.
Either way, it's like a cold-water thing.

I really like you.
Like, really... really like you.

I really...
I really, really like you, too.

I'm really grateful
for this moment with you.

I'm very grateful
for this moment with you, too.

Well, you're gonna
have to get it yourself.

You want one of those things?

Hey.

Um...

Curve, curve!

- I'm sorry. I...
- I'm curving.

- I'm going this way.
- Hope...

you're okay.

Um...

I wanted to send you one last message.

Come in.

You're right, Elliott.

I should listen to you.

I never realized how wise
my young ass was.

Okay, that sounded weird, but...

What I'm trying to say is...

you're right.

You shouldn't live your life for me
or for the future

or get stuck in the past,
because that is not living.

I'm so happy you fell in love with Chad.

Because... loving Chad is a gift.

And being loved by him...

it's the best fucking thing
in the world.

So just, fuck it,
just keep being the naive,

dumb, pore-less, smart...

happy, confident, brave,

self-centered optimistic idiot
that you are because...

it's perfect.

And go live your life with Chad.

Or Chad and your three wives

or whatever you decide is right for you.

And I'll go live mine again, okay?

I love you.

Now, go say goodbye to that lake for me.

And wear your retainer
and moisturize, please, thank you.

Whoo!