Original subtitles

- Yes? - [Child] Yep.

- Okay well, through here we have Camelot.

And as you can see it may not be Buckingham Palace,

but you'll certainly find lots of kings inside.

If you like to come through here,

you can see our fantastic entrance hall,

and in here, yes indeed, is the queen of Camelot.

It is our very own sandwich cutter royal.

- Where'd she get that from darling?

- [Daughter] Dad bought it for me.

- Just replaced the other one.

We didn't talk about it?

- No, you wanted a camera!

A camera!

- It is a camera!

- Honestly, what'd you... - Oh!

(footsteps stomping)

- Hey, what are you doing, credit card?

- Just in case. - No!

- Yes, til we make sure.

- We are sure!

- I'm sorry love, I am.

I don't think she's up.

- [Daughter] She ran away screaming.

- Where did whizzle get this from?

- [Daughter] That's none of your business!

- That's a video camera to replace the other one.

So me and your mum are talking about this--

- [Daughter] Oh, move your ugly mush out of my screen!

You'll crack it!

- I fancy jumping on my computer so I can get an upgrade.

- [Father] I'll just remind you,

if you hadn't been acting a goat,

I would never have stood on the camera in the first place.

- Yeah, my fault as usual.

- [Daughter] Get out of the way!

- [Father] You'll get a new thing broken!

- [Daughter] (shouts) Mom!

- Judy, don't be selfish.

Let him have a turn.

- Okay, stop!

- [Brother] Oh, look at the pair on that!

- [Father] Oi!

- [Brother] (singing playfully)

- [Daughter] Dad! (family laughs)

- [Father] Hey, what are you doing? (laughs)

- [Daughter] This is my room.

These are my photos.

I do most of them at the park.

That's one of my favorites.

That's my throne, as Dad likes to call it.

Shell.

Ah, Mr. Miller.

Scrubbing his animals.

The birds shit on them.

That's Darren.

Don't know why I've still got him.

And that's...

Claire.

Camera meet Claire.

- [Father] Come on, angel.

(footsteps thudding up the stairs)

Come on, angel.

(girl gasps)

(everyone talking simultaneously)

- [Mother] Hey, how is your leg?

- [Daughter] Yep, and what am I supposed to be the filming?

- Just point it out of that window there.

- [Daughter] That one there to film?

- [Father] That! - [Daughter] That?

- [Brother] Two blokes, that one looks a bit lost.

(everyone laughs)

- So, how do you two feel about living

in a house like this then?

- [Mother] If your dad gets his promotion.

- [Son] Really?

Yeah, wicked!

- [Father] Angel?

- [Daughter] But, what's wrong with where we live now?

(everyone but daughter laughs)

- [Father] What's wrong with it?

- What about that for a view, eh?

- [Father] We'll get these swimming lessons

finally sorted for you, aren't we, eh?

No point having the North Sea in your backyard

if you're afraid of water, is there?

Oh, mermaid, eh?

In her element!

- [Daughter] Dad, do we have to move?

- [Father] It's already happening, Angel.

- [Daughter] Yeah, but... - [Father] But?

Come on, your troubles are my troubles, remember?

Double O dad, troubleshooter!

- [Daughter] It's just, nothing.

- [Father] Honestly angel, you're gonna love it.

- [Daughter] (whispers) Don't drown any of you.

- [Son] Give it here. - [Daughter] Uh, no.

- [Son] Uh, yeah! - [Daughter] Uh, no!

You get off me!

Fuck off!

- [Brother] Watch out for the sharks!

- Oh, toss it to me!

- [Son] Not gonna be another Croation timeshare, is it?

- [Mother] Oh, you mean like

the one with no roof so we could

- [Both] See the stars!

- [Mother] Oh, I don't know darling.

It'd be brilliant, wouldn't it?

If he got his promotion?

But you know your dad and his dreams. (chuckles)

- [Father] What are you two laughing at?

- [Son] We're looking at you.

- [Father] Look, where's this picnic then?

- [Mother] Cold, cold, cold, it's cold!

- [Father] Just want to get one more shot of the house.

Anyway you can't talk about wasting tape!

- It wasn't me, alright be like that!

- Me? She won't let me touch it!

- [Father] Alright, alright.

Anyway, I've rewound it back to the beginning of the picnic

(alternative rock music)

- [Daughter] I went to see a new house yesterday.

I think we're moving.

Can't believe it.

As soon as you move in there--

Oh, hi Ray. - [Ray] What you filming?

- [Daughter] I thought I saw a squirrel.

- Really? (chuckles)

Anyway, make sure you get my best side.

That's Ray, dad's mate from work.

- [Mother] You better start going guys.

(mumbles) for work.

- Sorry love, just completely lost track of the time.

- (Mother and Ray talking indistinctly)

- Okay, alright you need to be over here.

Okay, you stand next to the table--

- [Daughter] Look, Joe you can film it.

- [Brother] (gasps) - [Mother] Oh, why?

- [Daughter] Cuz I don't feel like it.

- [Brother] She's gonna waste the tape.

- Hah, hah! - [Brother] Smile, moody.

- Come one, leave her alone!

Go behind the door. (front door closes)

(Mother gasps) (Brother shushes everyone)

- [Mother] Bobby, stand next to the door.

(Brother shushes)

- [Brother] He's coming.

- [Father] Hello?

- [Mother] Surprise!

- [Father] (laughs) Wow! Look at that!

- Well? - [Father] (exclaims)

Well, you know...

Oh, you're talking about the promotion?

Oh, well, uh, I got that.

- [Mother] Really?

- Promised, didn't I?

- Ah, you!

(Mother and Father exclaim excitedly)

- Piss off!

- Fantastic! That's so good!

- [Daughter] So, we're really moving then?

- [Mother] Toot right, we are!

We're gonna put that offer in - [Brother] Cool!

- [Mother] first thing in the morning!

Oh, wow!

Oh, try not to look too happy about it Judith.

- I am happy alright, I'm happy!

- [Mother] (exclaims excitedly)

- [Daughter] Well congrats!

- Oh, catch it, catch it, catch it!

Oh, steady on, Joe!

Some for you!

Some for you!

This is just so brilliant!

I think we should have a toast.

And no more bad puns.

- [Brother] To pies on the beach!

- [Mother] And to the new area

- [Mother And Son] Manager!

- To infinity

- [Everyone except Daughter] Beyond!

- What am I looking for?

It's not on video, is it?

I don't know, might be.

She's had that camera.

She could been videoing all me best comedy moments.

- [Mother] You're not warm enough here.

You're warm, but you're not hot.

You need to get hotter

- Warm, but not hot.

Ah! - [Mother] Ah!

The little interloper--

- [Father] What've we here?

- [Mother] We're moving in.

- Who has been

sneaking things into my comedy collection?

Oh, well. (chuckles)

A pair of second hand glasses for your blind old dad.

- [Brother] We didn't have that much money.

- [Mother] They're not just any old glasses.

- I know whose they are.

Where'd you find them?

- [Brother] On the internet.

- Yeah, well?

- Eric Morecambe.

Comedy great.

Hello, hello! (Mother chuckles)

What do you think of the show so far?

- [Everyone] Rubbish!

- [Daughter] That was good, dad.

- It's all mine.

It's all perfect.

Sorry.

(Mother mumbles) - [Father] Sorry.

(birds tweeting) (bee buzzing)

- [Mother] On with it!

A little list on the pin board, alright?

Things we have to do today.

Do something about the hole in the garden.

And you are going to ring the mortgage people.

And I am going to ring the schools,

when I get back from work.

And then we should be--

- [Daughter] (whispers) Yes, dad's doing his trick

for the millionth time. - [Father] Mortgage?

- [Mother] You're listening to me, aren't you?

- Yes, my sweetheart, every word.

No, I was, you said to do the pond and the list.

- [Mother] You see, you don't pay any attention, do you?

- [Father] What? - [Mother] Pond!

It's been like that for a year, Andy!

- [Father] It's not been a year at all.

It's been nine months if that.

We had a lot of rain! - [Daughter] The pond.

- [Father] Can't disturb the topsoil when it's raining.

Everybody knows that.

- [Mother] I remember the Great Yorkshire monsoon

kept everybody inside for months.

- (grumbles) Nevermind, it'll be gone tomorrow.

Alakazam!

- Good, now stop fucking about.

- [Father] Hey! - [Mother] Please!

And let's get inside and get on.

- Tommy Cooper doesn't have these problems.

- [Mother] And you put your eyes back in.

The birds'll have 'em!

- [Mother] Stop ogling the bouncing lady!

- [Son] (laughs) I'm not!

- [Mother] Honestly love, girls prefer

if you're not quite so obvious.

Don't we, Judith? - [Daughter] It's gross.

- Nice spot, Judith!

- [Daughter] Hah, hah.

(ball bouncing) - [Neighbor] Hello?

Hello?

- [Brother] Hey, are you alright?

- You alright? - [Brother] You know,

if you wanted to come around you can just ask me.

- I'm just getting my ball. (Daughter breathing heavily)

- You're getting good. - Thanks.

- Wait, I'll get you that CD you want of DJ Jose Beef mix.

- It's fine (mumbles).

- I've got loads, you can have them any time you want,

you know what I mean?

- I'll get it later (mumbles).

- Well look, you can call, text message--

(Daughter's shoe scrapes ground)

What are you doing?

- Just a joke.

You're sense of humor is a cracker.

She's agoraphobic, we're saving up for a rabbit hutch.

- I really gotta go.

- Alright then, see ya! - See ya!

- Try better next time, Judith.

Someone might laugh.

- [Daughter] Fuck off! - [Brother] Geek.

(upbeat music)

- Hi.

Hey.

Oh, hi!

Hey, uh...

Oh, hi!

Let's see how stupid this looks.

(seagulls calling) - [Mother] Oh,

don't just dive in!

(car alarms ringing) - [Daughter] I spy

with my little eye,

Joe smoking in the garden.

Dad would kill him if he knew.

Hey, maybe I can blackmail him.

That will teach him to embarrass me in front of you.

Welcome to night vision, Joe.

Dad?

- [Father] Go, go, go!

Right, you filming?

Are you filming? - [Daughter] Yeah, yeah I am!

- [Father] Right, okay.

- [Daughter] Look, you know she's never gonna go for this.

- [Father] No, she will, believe me.

Right, okay, so.

(whispering) Here we are at the King's,

and we've got a bit of a surprise.

It's Sheila King!

Because what we know, that you know, that she doesn't know

is that we've got one hell of a surprise

for her this afternoon!

So, follow me! (snickers)

- [Mother] Excuse me, what's going on?

- [Man] Special delivery, Mrs. King.

- What sort of delivery?

- Special delivery.

- [Daughter] Quite convincing.

- No, I'm sorry, but I think you must have come

to the wrong house.

- No, we've-- - (shouting) Mrs. Sheila King!

Yes, your husband has arranged a surprise

for you this afternoon!

Thank you very much, Stu!

- It's you, isn't it?

The man off the tele!

- Well, - Gosh, am I on the tele now?

- There we go, look and smile!

- (squeals) Now husband's going to be so upset!

- Well, I've got a surprise for you,

because in fact, I am your husband!

- (laughs) What a shock!

- Right, come this way.

Nope, straight through.

- What's that noise in our garden?

- You'll find out soon enough, come on.

Through we go!

Excuse me gentlemen, coming through,

coming through, this way!

Quickly Judith, cuz I want you to get your mother's face!

- [Daughter] Okay, yeah!

- [Mother] What is going on? (gasps)

- [Father] Right into the back!

- Yes!

- [Daughter] Dad!

- [Father] Here we go!

- What are you doing?

(yelling) He's supposed to be filling it in!

What are you doing?

- Sweetheart, I-- - [Mother] Get out of there!

Get out of there now, you stupid idiot!

Get off! - Sweetheart,

I had a complete brain wave!

- Judith, come over here. - [Mother] I don't know,

- [Daughter] Alright, alright.

- [Mother] what you think you're doing, take it out!

- [Father] Complete brain wave this morning!

I went to get the topsoil to fill in the pond,

and while I was there, I had a genius idea!

Instead of filling it in, let's make it bigger!

It'll add 20 grand on the value of the house,

because we will have a pool!

- Have you completely lost it?

(yelling) We are selling the house!

- Exactly and this way we can whack the price up!

- [Daughter] Dad, I told you this would happen.

- [Father] It'll only take us a fortnight!

- I've got buyers coming.

What we gonna do?

What we gonna say when they see all this?

- [Father] No, it's fine, it's fine!

- [Daughter] Dad!

They'll be able to use their imagination.

- Would you get out of there now?

- And then we can show them the brochure, can't we?

(Mother muttering)

- [Daughter] Dad, I told you this would happen.

- I can't believe you're doing all this

and you didn't even ask me!

Your daughter's terrified of water!

- She's fine with it, aren't you angel?

- [Daughter] I'm not bothered.

- Look, hey, that's not the point.

The point is that we'll get to move--

- (yelling) Will you stop bringing stuff in?

- Get your mum's face.

We'll get to move quicker.

That's the whole point, you know?

Alright then, okay, we can send it back--

- Yes! - If that's what you want.

- Yes, do that that!

Just get it all taken back!

- Well, I just wish you'd be practical.

- (screams) Me?

- (Brother beat boxing)

(Brother beat boxing)

(Brother beat boxing)

DJ Joe on the microphone!

(Daughter screams playfully and laughs)

- [Father] And here we go!

All the way around! All the way around!

- [Daughter] Dad, we missed it! (laughs)

- [Father] Oh, we missed what?

- [Mother] You missed it!

(Brother mouth fiddles)

(everyone clamors playfully)

- Ooh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, (groans)

- Oh, hiya Ray!

- [Father] Look who it is!

- Come here, sweetheart!

- I'm sorry to intrude, but well,

I heard you from the outside.

I've been trying to call you.

- [Father] Yeah, my mobile's been on the blink

and then the portable decided to commit suicide.

- [Daughter] Hey, Ray.

- [Father] But let's go in

and we'll have a bit of a chat, shall we?

- [Mother] Look at you, are these new?

- [Ray] Well yeah, they are.

- [Mother] And we liking the commissions, aren't we?

- [Father] Yay, he's Mr. Successful now!

- Come on have a drink,

you'll have a gin and tea, won't ya?

- [Father] Yeah, we can have one in the kitchen.

(everyone talking simultaneously)

- You will? I'll get you a glass.

- So, what's going on here?

You starting a mine or something?

- [Father] Just a bit of DIY, you know, home improvement?

- [Woman] They added a swimming pool, can you believe that?

(everyone talking)

- [Man] So, swimming pool, dream come true for you?

- [Mother] Well, actually it's just genius over here

hacking up the house price.

- [Daughter] (whispers) Can I get you a drink, Claire?

- [Mother] Because we are going

to have a barbecue to celebrate.

- [Daughter] (whispers) Want something to drink, Claire?

(everyone talking)

- Anyway it'll be the last chance we get to barbecue

before we move. (police siren blaring)

- Jesus yeah, completely forgot to tell you about the fact

that we're moving, yeah, yeah.

Uh, it happened very suddenly,

but we're off to the coast, hopefully.

- Mmh, yeah. - I think.

- A little beach house.

- Oh, candid camera behind you!

(everyone cheers and laughs)

You see, give it a wave!

- Definitely not-- (Mother coughs)

- [Man] Have you won the lottery or something?

- [Father] How so? Cheers! - [Mother] No, I mean--

- And down in one!

One, two, three, let's see if we can do it, shall we?

- Cheers

- That's great you'll be ready for another.

In you come and...

- [Woman] What was that about?

- [Mother] I have no idea.

- Try now, turn the ignition.

- [Daughter] Looks like dad's broken

another piece of equipment.

He's trying to pretend he can fix it.

This may take some time.

Alright, it's enough, it's enough.

That's your mum.

Hanging out your wash.

Your basket bouquet.

- [Father] Not enough. - [Brother] Alright.

(machine clanking)

- Fucking bloody stupid - [Brother] Knackered.

- Oh stupid (hits machine) (grumbles) bloody thing!

(alternative rock music)

- [Daughter] (breathlessly) Claire.

(both laughing)

- [Claire] You're gonna be wet!

- [Brother] Me?

- [Daughter] Hi, Claire!

Claire?

(slams door)

(Daughter cries)

- Of course, I left a message.

- You left a message?

- Confirming the offer!

- With our secretary?

- Yeah, no, no, on your answer phone.

- Left a message on their answer phone?

- Yes, that's what answer phones are for.

Oh, for God's sake!

- Well, I didn't know nobody was going to check it, did I?

- I assure you Mr. King I haven't had any message.

- Look, it's fine it's not the end of the world.

We'll just start again.

Alright, we'd like to confirm our offer.

- [Brother] (slams car door) Dad's fucked up again.

- [Daughter] Shut up.

- [Realtor] We've had another offer from another family.

- Are you filming? - No.

- [Father] How much higher?

- [Realtor] 7,000 pounds.

- [Father] Right, and you expect us to top that, do you?

- [Realtor] Well, that is up to you, Mr.--

- [Father] No! I'm sorry, it's not!

This is a mistake that was made in your office!

- Mr. King--

- No, I'm sorry, it's out of order,

and I want to talk to your boss.

- I am the co-owner of the business, Mr. King.

Now I'd be happy to show you--

- Okay, enough, enough!

(seagulls calling)

Listen up...

- [Daughter] (whispers) What is it, dad?

- [Mother] Listening.

- Right well, we'll...

You got us over a barrel, we'll better their offer.

We will put in 10 grand.

Three grand above theirs, will that do it?

- Yeah, that-- - Brilliant!

Okay, problem solved!

- Zombie ninja fight, round five, fight!

Choose weapon! (imitates gun shooting)

- What the hell are you doing with my camera?

(Brother imitates gun shooting)

- Give it back!

Give it back!

- [Brother] Aim for the head!

Scanning for a new weapon.

Trusty trowel, ha ha!

The garden spoon of doom!

- [Daughter] Why don't you fuck yourself with that?

- [Brother] Hello, Mr. Miller.

We meet again.

Get Mr. Miller off my island.

(gasps) Arguing in the ranks, this is not a good sign.

We'll have to finish mission alone.

(Brother imitates firing a missile)

(Brother imitates firing missles)

- [Father] (yells gibberish)

- [Brother] Enemy attacking!

(Brother imitates rapid gunfire)

Bullet on this!

Hey! - [Daughter] (laughs) Loser!

- [Father] That would have been great if you'd been framed.

- [Brother] Yeah, that was really funny.

- [Father] And go!

So, here we are in the garden of the super Kings,

and what's happening today, angel?

We're digging a pool.

I'm doing the shoveling and Joe's wheeling the barrow.

(everyone laughs)

- [Father] You must be joking!

- [Brother] One more!

- [Father] Happy where you were before.

Okay and off you go!

It's a happy day in the super Kings' garden.

And tell me, angel, what's happening today?

- We're digging a pool.

I'm shoveling and Joe's wheeling.

(Brother cries out)

- [Father] (laughs) No!

Look the tele people will never give us 250 quid

unless you make it more real!

- [Daughter] You go when I say barrow.

- [Father] Don't look back.

Okay, okay, this time--

- [Brother] I think the last one was alright.

- [Father] Alright, let's ask our audience.

Was it alright?

- I think we should do it again, cuz it was rubbish.

- [Father] I think we should do it again, too.

Jings, concentrate please!

Here we are in the garden of the super Kings.

And what's happening today, love?

- I'm digging a pool.

I'm shoveling and Joe's wheeling.

- [Father] Right, and (sighs)

(Daughter laughs)

Come on!

Look surprised, do that thing you did with your arms.

Look, I'll show ya!

Here.

- [Brother] Told you it hurt.

- [Father] It didn't hurt.

- [Brother] It hurt.

- [Father] It didn't hurt,

I was just pretending, you birnit.

(Brother spits)

- You filming that? - [Daughter] No.

- [Father] Okay, lots of fun and here we are!

In the super Kings' garden,

and what is happening today?

- We're digging a pool.

I'm shoveling, Joe's wheeling.

- [Father] Okay, and (yells) no!

Come on, that's not what you did before!

Now get out!

Now you're starting to take the piss!

One last time!

You ready?

I'm talking to you, are you ready?

- [Brother] (yells) Yes! - [Father] Right, go.

So what's happening today, angel,

in the garden of the super Kings?

- We're digging a pool.

Shoveling soil and then Joe's wheeling--

- [Father] Digging the pool, okay--

(yells) Now you are just not trying!

- [Brother] (screams) It hurts!

- [Father] It doesn't hurt, get out!

- [Daughter] Dad, that was really good!

- [Father] No, it wasn't.

Right.

Again.

So here we are in the garden of the super Kings.

And what's going on today, angel?

- We're digging a pool.

I'm shoveling and Joe's doing the barrow.

- [Father] Okay. (Joe groans)

(yells) You are just not trying!

Will you get with there now?

- [Brother] That's it. - [Daughter] Dad,

that was fine.

- [Father] Get out! - [Brother] Fuck off!

- [Father] What did you say?

What did you say?

Why is it that you can't put even the remotest bit

of fucking effort into this family?

- [Brother] (yells) Because your fucking ideas are stupid!

That's why!

Let's get a timeshare with no fucking roof!

Let's get mum a card, it's a fucking curtain shop.

Fucking sick!

- [Father] And I'll tell you another fucking stupid idea.

Having a son that was such a fucking--

- [Brother] No, you're the fucking loser!

- [Father] Selfish little shit! (punch lands)

(Brother screams) - [Daughter] (yells) Dad!

Dad, what's wrong?

- [Father] Nothing, angel, there.

Just a bit of a row, that's all.

- [Daughter] But please Dad, is it work or something?

- No angel, honestly everything's fine, I promise.

- [Daughter] Look, it's not fine.

Just look at yourself.

It's not (mumbles) normal. (crying)

- [Father] Angel, please, please.

- [Daughter] (yells) Oh, just stop treating me like

a bloody kid, alright?

(whispers) Where are you hiding?

- This is the one, this is the one, this is the one.

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!

- [Daughter] (whispers) Dad?

What the hell?

I just don't understand what's going on anymore, Dad.

I'm going to find out.

I'm going to show you what you been like.

- [Father] (whispers) Slow down Joe, Joe, Joe!

I want to get the--

- Dad, that's mine.

- [Father] (whispers) Shh, don't be scammish, aye angel?

- No look, I'll do the filming.

- [Father] (whispers) No, no, no, no, shh,

you'll wake your mum.

Right, we're ready?

Smile, kids.

Nice big smile.

Okay?

And (yells) happy birthday!

- [Brother And Daughter] Happy birthday, mum!

- I'm tangled up in the duvet.

- [Father] Oh, that can happen.

Happy birthday!

- Oh gosh, look at that!

How lovely, thank you!

- [Daughter] Blow out your candle.

- [Father] Birthday breakfast for mum.

- [Daughter] Make a wish!

(everyone laughs)

- Oh, thank you darling!

That's lovely, thank you!

- [Father] What could it be?

Three guesses!

- Oh, wow!

Oh, that's fantastic!

- [Father] Is that the one you wanted?

- Oh Andy, it's perfect!

- Good! - You were listening!

Aw, that's just great!

That is just great!

- [Father] Perfect for the barbecue!

- It's not even going to leave any garbage stuff out, is it?

- Certainly is not.

- What happened to you two, did somebody die?

- Oh, they're just miffed

because I dragged them out of bed this morning,

and I made them help with the decorations.

(phone rings)

- Oh, that'll be nana!

Hello?

Oh, hi Wayne, no sorry it's my birthday, I thought,

Alright, now listen it's my birthday today, right?

So you can only give me good news, yeah?

Yeah? Oh, that's fantastic!

They accepted the offer on the house!

- Hey!

- [Mother] That's fantastic, yeah?

Yeah, we'll sort it all out, brilliant.

Listen Wayne, there's been a little bit of delay on our end.

Well, is there anything we can do

to sort of just seal the deal and make it rock solid?

Right.

Oh what, sorry?

Alright, hang on.

(whispers) They haven't even got a lock in agreement.

What's that? Yeah.

Okay, hang on.

It's like we put down a big deposit,

it really seals the deal.

- How big?

- How much would that be?

No, no, sorry, I don't do percentages.

Right, okay, hang on.

21,000 - 21 grand, love.

- But you know with the pool, and new job, and

- I know but our first salary check's not in yet,

and we haven't had any others look at the house.

- I'm sure that the bank will give us a loan.

And it's my birthday.

Andy love me?

And it's my birthday?

- (exclaims) Come on, then! - (Mother laughs)

Yes, yeah we're gonna go for that!

Yeah, I know, fantastic!

Okay, brilliant, alright!

(Mother laughs)

- I'll call the bank promptly!

(machine whirring)

- I'm telling you that petrol gauge said half full.

- It didn't say that just now, did it John?

- [John] No shit!

- Well alright, there's something wrong with the gauge then.

Just get rid of it!

- [Mother] Finally!

Fucking action!

- She's wanted elsewhere.

- Barry's just got back from his, what do you call it, job.

Look, come inside--

- Listen guy, we need to get this finished by Sunday.

- Sheila, Sheila really just go--

- (Man mumbles under machine whirring)

(Mother whines)

- It will be ready in time for your precious barbecue.

- You think the barbecue's important?

The barbecue's not the point, Andy!

The point is the 21,000 pounds we stand to lose for.

The point is getting the house sold

to get this place ready for tenants!

- Why can't you just have a little bit of faith?

I said it'll get done.

Now just keep out of my hair!

- Fine, fine, I'm gonna go make a call.

I'm gonna get this sorted out.

- No, you are not!

Understood?

- Okay.

Okay, dig.

Go on, dig!

Dig to fucking China!

- [Father] Right, that's it, everybody out!

Angel, come on, you must have books to read or something.

And you guys, can you clear please, quickly?

I've got some digging to do, thank you very much.

Sorry, Stu.

- Hey, lay off!

- Please, Stu. - Lay off!

- Digging to do, which is fine.

You're still there, angel, I told you to go inside.

- [Daughter] Dad, please let me help.

Go on inside, angel.

Do some reading or something.

- [Daughter] Look, it'll be twice as fast

if the two of us dig it.

- Please, just go inside!

- [Daughter] It'll help us sell the house quicker.

- (laughs) Now she wants to move!

- [Daughter] Dad!

- Look, angel please, will you just go inside!

- [Daughter] Can't you see how you're acting?

I want to help.

I have to make you see.

I have to show you how much you changed.

- [Father] I'll be fine officer, really.

- [Mother] You've been a wreck.

- [Father] I know I've been lost,

but they wouldn't let me have my phone

- [Mother] (gasps) Is there blood?

- [Officer] He's fine, we checked him.

- [Father] Shh, I don't want to wake the children, please.

- [Officer] I'll just give you the number

of the victim's card.

- [Father] Look, I'm not a victim here, it's Ray.

- [Woman] It's just in case you need to talk to someone.

Okay, good night.

(door closes)

(muffled voices speaking through wall)

- [Father] It wasn't until I got near a turn

that I saw it was Ray.

Oh, Sheila.

The fucking gun turned half of his face.

It was like they took a fucking crowbar to it, you know?

- [Mother] (whispers) Oh, God.

- [Father] He was just lying there.

Why did I suggest meeting him in the pub tonight?

Any other night this wouldn't have happened.

- [Mother] This is not your fault.

- [Father] All for his fucking wallet!

I mean it's his wallet, you know! (sobbing)

Half his face, half his face!

- [Mother] Listen, it could have been you, couldn't it?

Shit! - [Father] At the hospital

they kept saying how he might never,

might never talk again.

I mean it was hanging off.

- [Mother] I mean he's got nobody to look after him.

He has no girlfriend at the moment.

- [Father] I'll have to pitch in hospital help.

- [Mother] Oh, he's a salesman.

What'd he going to do if he can't work?

He can't talk, he can't smile.

- [Father] Somebody will get somebody to cover his accounts

while he's... - [Mother] Jesus.

Come here let me get this jacket off.

I want to see what's going on here.

Oh god, you've got (mumbles).

- [Father] I know.

- Come here, I want to take this off, love.

I want to take this off and have a look at you, come here.

- [Fahther] Oh, no, no.

- Are you sure you're alright?

- Is there any more, is there any more?

- Have a look now.

No, you've got it.

Come and just sit down over there, just sit down.

Have a look at you.

- [Daughter] (sniffles) I want to think that,

All that blood.

Ray in hospital.

I don't know what's going on anymore.

(muffled speaking)

- [Father] Yeah, I know but not when it's going to be wet.

Not when it's going to be wet tonight!

I know, it's been on support loan.

But 19% over two weeks seems a little bit--

Yeah, I know.

There's absolutely no way!

But on your website,

on your website it said that--

(Daughter gasps)

(door swings open)

- [Father] Hello?

Hello?

I know you're there.

I can hear you.

I am not in the mood

for playing stupid fucking games.

I can see you whoever you are.

I can see you.

I can see you.

(yelling) And I'm coming! (hits wall)

(Daughter screams)

- [Father] Oi!

(upbeat dance music)

- [Daughter] Oh, shit.

- [Mother] (laughs loudly)

- [Father] It's finished.

- [Mother] (laughs loudly)

I think we better get some professionals in tomorrow!

- Maybe if I'd had some help?

- Oh yeah, that's right, no sorry!

Don't worry, it's not your fault.

Not your fault at all (laughs)

- Works, doesn't it?

It's filling up.

(everyone talking and laughing simultaneously)

(everyone cheering)

- You got that angel?

That was one for You've been Framed.

(party guests chatting)

- Eric Morecambe's glasses.

I was gonna sell it all on eBay, but...

- [Man] Well, I can have an ask around.

It's worth a bit as a collection.

- Yeah, exactly, as a collection.

If you just keep it quiet, yeah?

I want it to be a surprise.

- [Guest] Andy where's the loo?

- Just upstairs, love.

(every talking) (rock music playing loudly)

(Father exclaims loudly)

(rock music playing loudly)

- Come on! - [Daughter] Dad,

I don't want to!

- [Father] Hey, Ray!

Oh, sorry man, I didn't know they let you out!

What are you doing?

- [Mother] What the hell!

- What the hell?

What's got into you mate? (Ray groans)

Come on inside.

- [Mother] Tell me what's going on.

- No idea, love.

Just give us a minute.

What are you talking about?

- [Ray] I know it was you!

You cunt, I could see it in your eyes just now.

- [Father] For fuck's sake, why would I?

- To try and get my job, of course!

But you're not going to get to sit in my chair.

Only place you will be sitting is in a police cell.

(Daughter gasps)

- I don't want your bloody chair.

- [Ray] I can't believe

I felt guilty of getting a promotion over you.

- Do you really think that I would attack somebody

for a stupid job?

I mean it, it's something you fucking dreamed up!

- [Daughter] What, he never even got the job?

- Come on, don't take it out on me!

Look, just think about how you're gonna feel

when they find out who really did this!

Come on! (Ray grumbling)

Wait, wait, please!

- [Daughter] (sobbing) Dad.

- What was that all about?

- Oh nothing, he just blames me

because I invited him out for a drink that night.

You know, he's calmed down now.

- [Mother] He didn't look calm.

- He's just a bit embarrassed.

Asked him to calm down and he said sorry, that's all.

Come and have a dance with Andy!

- No, I've done enough dancing.

- Come and dance with me!

Come on. - No.

- Alright, Joseph! - No.

- Yeah, come on have a dance with your dad.

Come have a dance with your dad!

Alright, who will have a dance with Andy, then?

Somebody's gonna wanna dance with Andy!

Come on, who'll dance with Andy?

(baby crying)

- [Daughter] (sobbing) For fuck's sake, Dad.

Stop it!

- Come on darling, have a dance with me!

Come on, have a dance with me!

- [Daughter] Dad, calm down!

Just look at yourself, you have the strangest look!

Look, I understand.

We'll sort it out, alright?

You don't have to pretend anymore.

- That's a great idea.

Come (mumbles hysterically)!

Come everybody (mumbles hysterically)!

Know what you are doing!

(crowd cheers)

Yes okay, so everybody in frame?

- [Daughter] Yep.

- You'll like this.

Not a lot, but you will like it!

Okay, so.

Now I shall send everybody to Timbuktu.

Shazam!

Just like that.

- [Mother] Alright, now what then?

- Now we rewind and play it again.

So everybody inside and let's have a look at it on the tele.

- [Daughter] What Dad, no, don't!

- [Father] Come on angel!

We can't all watch it on the screen, it's too small.

- [Daughter] Dad, don't rewind it alright?

- [Father] Such a spoil sport, come on, in you go!

- [Daughter] I'm not being a spoil sport,

just not with everyone in front of us, okay?

Dad!

- [Father] Angel, come on, give me the camera.

- [Daughter] Look dad, don't play it back.

- [Father] What do you mean don't play it back?

- [Daughter] Dad, don't! (crying and mumbling)

- Dad, I'm telling you, don't rewind the tape!

Not in front of mom.

- [Father] Don't be so selfish!

- [Daughter] I'm not being selfish, dad!

Don't rewind it, alright?

- [Father] We'll get another chance

to see Charlie fall in the pool!

- [Daughter] But dad please don't rewind that!

I'm telling you, don't!

- [Father] What's gotten into you?

- [Daughter] Dad, don't!

- [Father] Right, where were we?

- That was a seagull.

- They're there!

No one else will listen to me.

So, now it's your turn.

You one-eyed little fucker.

You made me lie to my family.

Made my wife

give up on me.

My son hate me.

My daughter betray me.

So, you got any more tricks up your sleeve?

What do we have here?

Judas Judith, our resident snoop.

Come on love, look at the camera.

Nothing to hide.

What does it feel like being under the microscope?

- I wasn't going to show it to anyone, dad.

(Father laughs) I did it for you.

So you could see what you look like!

- [Mother] Come on, get yourself together.

We're gonna go into town for breakfast.

- [Father] Look, I told you,

I was just trying to buy some time to put things right.

- Yeah well, let's hope it was worth 21 thousand pounds

down the toilet.

- [Father] I could have sorted it.

Look, I'll phone the centers today, see if they'll change--

- No, you won't!

- [Father] their mind about the deposit!

- You won't phone anybody.

- [Father] Aw, come on!

- No, you come on!

You've already lost us one house!

There is no way I am helping you having anything to do

with me trying to save this one.

Come on, you two!

- [Father] Judith? Come here.

- Why? - [Father] Come here.

I want you to answer a question.

Why is it that you hate me so much?

- Dad, I don't hate you.

- [Father] Well, come on!

What was it that I did that has made you hate me?

- I don't, I love you!

- [Father] Angel, just tell me.

Why do you hate me?

I'm not gonna be angry, just tell me.

- Look, I understand, dad, why you did it.

I know that you did it

cuz you love us.

- [Mother] Judith! - I know that,

I understand now.

That's why I did what I did.

- [Father] Oh, my angel. - [Mother] Judith!

(washing machine whirring)

- [Father] Now you see you have it.

All our sweat, all our blood,

all our muck.

Good and bad, sweat and sour.

It's a big King soup.

And it's all so simple really.

All you have to do is take it out,

and look at it.

And so, your fun's over.

My little filming friend.

No more watching everything.

No more storing everything away.

Because now you're gonna put things right.

You see, if Judith could understand,

I mean, if Judith can forgive,

well then, why can't the rest of us, hmm?

You see, it's the whole picture that matters.

No more secrets!

And now, you're working for us!

And you are gonna put our family

back together again, aren't you?

Alright, here's something that you think I don't know about.

There we go!

See, I am not the only one with secrets, am I, hmm?

Alright, now, let's see what else we can find.

What did we find?

Well, the answer is, not a lot.

Just the few momentos,

but here in an old handbag

hidden in the lining,

we found this.

It's Joe.

Look and you'll see his little willy.

But there isn't one of Judith.

That's something we need to talk about.

I mean, we're a family.

A unit, no room for favorites.

And here as they say is one that I searched earlier

the lair of the must be,

a place that daylight never enters.

And this is something you didn't feel the need to hide away.

And over here,

we have cunningly hidden,

we got

some pills.

I bet that they're not aspirin.

And down here, a phone.

It's no wonder you wanted a new one.

This one's so full of film,

it's moogly got any room for numbers.

And there's one very special film starring Joe himself.

- (whispering) I want to fuck you and she says yes.

- [Girl] (muffled) Huh?

- (whispering) Nothing.

- [Father] (chuckles) And that's our bedroom.

We've searched everywhere in here,

except for one place,

and where there are padlocks,

there are usually secrets.

So, let's just find

what we've got in here.

My magic screwdriver.

Honestly, angel.

If Joe hadn't been messing about,

I never would have broken it.

(basketball bouncing outside)

(police officer knocking on window)

- [Female Officer] Mr. King?

Mr. King?

- [Father] Okay,

my turn.

It was me that did Ray.

(fire alarm rings)

- [Mother] Kids!

Get up!

Joe, wake up, Judith!

- [Daughter] What's happened to the light?

- I don't know darling.

Andy!

- Where's dad? - I don't smell any smoke.

- [Daughter] Where's dad?

- I don't know, I think he's still out.

Andy!

Look you two wait here, I'll go down and check.

Joe see if you can turn that bloody thing off.

Just stay there, okay?

It's alright, I don't think there's any fire.

The lights (mumbles)

(fire alarm stops ringing)

Bullocks.

Bloody hell, where's the candles?

- [Father] Did you call for me?

It was me you called for (chuckles)

- What the fuck's going on, Andy?

- [Father] It was me you called for in a crisis.

- What are you talking about?

- [Father] Oh, my love, you see that fear you're feeling,

that fear in the dark I can feel it

every heartbeat of it.

- You haven't a clue what I'm feeling.

- [Father] Oh, but I have, I really have.

- If this is another one of your stunts, I swear to God!

- [Father] It's like I knew that you would go for Joe first,

when the alarm went off.

And you got to save him first.

- You shit!

You've set this up, haven't you?

- [Father] Oh, come on--

- Put the fucking lights back on!

- [Father] We've gotta face it, Sheila.

We've gotta face the way that we feel about each other.

It's like with Judith.

It's not Judith's fault that you didn't want to have her.

- Twisted, you know what state I was in after having Joe.

- [Father] You know what I realized?

No, do you know what I realized when that alarm went off?

That I couldn't have known which room to run to first.

I couldn't have picked between us.

That fire would have taken us all.

- You've got no idea how I feel about my children.

- [Father] And that's the point, exactly!

We've gotta work this stuff out together.

I mean really understand the way that we feel.

The way that you understood me, angel.

- She's here? Judith?

What did you hear?

- Dad, have you got the camera on?

- You filming this?

- He's got night vision on.

- You fucking freak!

- [Father] No, come on!

- You win, we're off!

- [Father] No, just listen! No please, please don't!

- [Mother] Go get your stuff!

Just put something on!

(Father breathing heavily)

- [Father] Right look, nobody's going anywhere.

No, just go in the lounge and sit down, please, please!

- Just get lost!

- [Father] No, look, I just want you to listen to me!

- Oh, fuck, where's the keys Andy?

- [Father] Look, just go and sit down.

I'll give you the keys afterwards, I promise.

- Please, dad!

- [Father] Look, it's alright, angel.

I just wanna show you some filming that I've been doing.

That's all. - Yeah,

well, tough shit! - Aw, come on!

- [Father] Look, now I've locked that door.

- Come here, kids.

- [Father] (yelling) Look, just go and sit down now!

(yelling) Now!

Alright, that's better.

It won't be a tick.

(Father breathing heavily)

(television program chatters)

Right, let me show you what I've been filming today.

(seagulls calling) (ocean waves crashing)

(family chatting)

- [Brother] Try anything like you did with Ray,

and this goes straight to the police.

- Look it, angel, you know it--

- [Mother] You just outed your daughter, you creep!

- No angel, look, I just didn't want you

to have the pressure, that's what I'm saying!

- Can't you see, dad?

It's all wrong.

- No, no, look,

this way I get to find out what's going on inside you

like any dad would.

- But dad, I don't understand what's going on inside.

- Right then okay, we can work it out together,

but those feelings that you have for Claire,

there's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

You know, you can't control love!

That's the whole point!

- You don't understand!

None of it's right!

- Look, angel! (door slams)

Oh, what's that about?

- [Mother] I don't want to end up like Ray.

- Oh, come on!

I did that for us!

For the job, for the house!

Oh, you cannot!

Alright look, I'll make it up to him somehow.

- [Brother] Fucking unbelievable!

- Look, stop filming.

- [Brother] Don't tell me what to do anymore!

Oh, too slow, mental!

- [Mother] Alright Joe, you're just making it worse.

- [Brother] Make this worse?

- [Mother] Look, just go upstairs and get Judith, okay?

- [Brother] The little lesbian stalker?

- [Mother] (yelling) Grow up and do as you're told!

- [Brother] (yelling) Fine!

King matching dildo!

- [Father] It's like, it's not that difficult to grasp!

Look, I know it's a bit of a shock at first,

seeing it all back like that.

But, think this way, we need never feel any shame

any embarrassment every again.

What I'm talking about is better understanding.

All of us being happier than we've ever been before!

- [Mother] Happier than before?

- [Father] Yes!

- [Mother] Welcome to Andy's world

of happiness and understanding.

- [Father] And why not?

- [Mother] No thank you, you promised me the keys.

- [Father] A promise is a promise, eh Sheila?

- [Mother] Thank you. - [Father] Jesus,

you were the one to botch up the truth, you know?

Or does the truth only apply to what is it?

Mortgages and promotions, is that it?

- Truth? - [Father] Yes!

- The truth?

You wouldn't know the truth if it smacked you in the mouth,

you stupid ass!

Mr. Fucking Truth Detective you didn't even check the date

on the ultrasound!

- [Father] What do you mean?

I'd forgotten I'd even had that, you bastard.

- [Father] I don't understand.

- No, you don't understand.

You never did understand.

What it meant for me.

Having Judith so soon after what having Joe took out of me.

God, Andy, all that pressure!

- What pressure?

Telling everybody I was pregnant when I hadn't even decided

whether or not I wanted to keep it!

- I did that because I was happy!

- (screaming) You liar!

You did it so I couldn't back out!

- No, love honestly-

- All I wanted was a fucking rest!

- No, love you've got this completely wrong!

- Well, I sure as shit wasn't gonna tell you

the third time I got pregnant.

Yeah, that's some truth for you.

Talk about that.

Digest that!

Fucking love that!

Come on, kids, we're going!

(footsteps stomping upstairs)

- [Father] Nobody's going anywhere.

- [Mother] You keep away from me.

- [Father] Give me the keys.

Give me the keys! - [Mother] Get off!

- [Brother] Get off her!

Don't you fucking touch her!

- [Father] Nobody is fucking touching fucking anybody!

- [Brother] (yelling) I'm warning you!

- (laughs) How come

that I am the outlaw here, hey?

I mean, I've lied about my promotion for a couple of weeks.

You have lied for years about killing our baby!

- [Mother] Andy, just let us leave.

- Look, aw come on, don't back away from me.

Look, will you stop backing away.

Look, there's no point

if you're all always backing away from me.

Don't, aw now you're being stupid!

How come I'm the baddy here then?

How come I'm the baddy when you killed our child?

- [Mother] Because you're the bloody bastard,

that I couldn't turn to,

when I had to make the hardest decision of my life!

- No, I'm not having that!

I'm not!

I'm the bastard that loved you!

I'm the bastard that was there for you!

You chose not to talk to me!

And it wasn't your decision!

They're not just your children!

- Andy, let us leave!

- No. - We just want to leave!

- Open the fucking door.

(phone dial tone rings)

- Oh, fuck!

- I just want to try and understand, that's all.

I just want to understand.

Please, just talk to me!

- Andy, just let us go!

- Look, I just wanna understand!

I don't wanna fucking hurt you, you stupid fucking (screams)

- (screams) Dad, please!

- [Mother] Judith! Don't (screams)

- [Father] I wouldn't hurt you, angel!

- [Mother] Keep away from her!

- [Father] Angel! Come on, angel, you can't believe

that I'd hurt you!

- [Mother] Get away from her!

- [Brother] We're filming this!

- [Father] Angel, I'd never hurt you but I would myself!

- Dad, go home!

- (yelling) Will you stop being frightened of me?

(Judith screams)

(everyone clamors)

(Judith screams hysterically)

(everyone clamors)

- Joe, go get some towels.

- You were swimming, angel!

- I've got you, I've got you!

You stupid idiot!

- Sorry!

- [Mother] We're not leaving, you are!

Get your stuff and then get into Mike's!

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

- [Mother] You're still here in the morning,

I'm calling the police!

- Sorry, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I never meant for any of this to happen.

I do love you all very much.

And if...

If I could change,

if I could change it all, I would, but I can't.

(sobbing)

I can't think of any other way

to set you free.

You have to believe that I'm doing this

because I love you very much.

I love you very much,

and

you deserve more.

Daddy...

The only thing that daddy can do for you.

(sobbing)

The only thing that daddy can do.

- [Father] (whispering) Angel, oh angel.

See how you're growing up now?

And I won't be there.

I won't be there to see.

When you find me, shit, oh shit.

- [Daughter] Dad?

- [Father] Don't come in, angel.

Go to bed.

- Dad?

- I'm fine, love.

- [Daughter] Are you alright?

- I'm fine, go upstairs.

Go on upstairs, I'm just a bit tired, that's all.

- Are you sure, you're alright?

- Yeah.

Come here, come here, come here.

I love you very much.

I love you so very much.

- [Daughter] (whispering) It's okay.

Dad?

It'll be alright, you know?

It'll be fine.

- [Father] It's gonna be fine.

- [Daughter] It'll sort itself out.

- Go upstairs, go to bed.

It's a very late night, go on.

Go, go on, find some sleep.

Please angel, please go to bed.

I'll be gone soon.

- I don't want you to go, dad.

- (whispering) Come here, come here.

Angel.

Angel.

I love you very, very, very much.

- I love you too, dad.

I promise it will all be alright.

We'll be okay again.

It'll just be like normal.

- I know, I know everything's gonna be fine.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Come here.

- I'm sorry, dad.

- Fine, everything's gonna be fine.

(Daughter screams)

Shh, angel, just be quiet.

(Daughter screams)

(muffled cries)

(Daughter screams and struggles)

(Daughter screams and struggles)

Just be quiet, shh!

(Daughter struggles)

(Daughter struggles weakly)

Just let go, just let go.

Let go, let it go.

You go.

(Father plants kiss)

Oh, angel.

(Father plants kiss)

Happy now?

(breathing heavily)

(breathing heavily)

(soft footsteps going up the stairs)

(loud thud lands upstairs)

(loud thud lands upstairs)

(loud continuous thuds coming down the stairs)

- [Father] That's a good boy.

Good boy.

(Father grunting and whimpering)

Come on.

You're good kids.

Everything is gonna be fine.

(Father plants kisses) (Mother groans)

No! (Mother gasps and screams)

No, no, no!

Sweetness, no!

No!

It's all gonna be fine!

Just be quiet!

They're fine, they're fine!

(Mother struggles and screams)

It wasn't supposed to, shh!

(Mother struggles and screams)

(loud thud lands) (Mother screams)

(loud thud lands) (Mother screams and gags)

(multiple loud thuds landing)

(metal object clatters to the ground)

(Father muttering)

It wasn't supposed to happen, I'm sorry.

Come on.

Come on.

Yes, you can.

Come on, darling, come on, sweetness.

Come to the kids, come to the kids.

Please, come to the kids.

Come on, the kids.

(Father crying)

It's gonna be fine.

One, two, three.

Come on, one, two, three.

Come on, one, two, three!

See, the kids?

One more time.

Here we are.

Here we all are.

See, we're together. (planting kisses)

We're together.

(sobbing) We're all together.

That's good.

That's good.

I'll be with you soon.

I'll be with you soon.

(groans)

(loud thud lands)

(Daughter breathing)

(Father grunts and hits camera)

- [Mother] Will you take these and put them in the car?

- [Father] Oh, love.

(Mother plants kiss)

Come on, angel!

Don't tell me this is still running.

Who left this o--