Original subtitles

Hey. Here.

Hey, Kirkland Jeans,

get the fuck outta the road!

Alright, freeze, put your hands in the air. Now!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God, what the hell is happening? What the...

It's finally all happening.

Okay, let's think. If you were a pretentious douche bag

who had a weapon that could destroy the entire planet,

where would you launch it from?

Knowing Boone, somewhere everyone could see.

Cautionary tale just in

to avoid the flora and evacuate the city ASAP.

Times Square?

Oh, God, this guy's so basic.

We gotta get to Eunice's office. Now.

And I repeat, authorities say to avoid the flora at all costs

and evacuate the city immediately.

Bryce and Dot were supposed to come back with Monkey hours ago.

Where the hell are they?

I don't know, baby, but it's time we made other plans.

We gotta run.

Run where? You heard Dot.

This thing is gonna destroy the whole world,

not just New York.

Then I guess we'll stay alive a little longer than everybody else.

I need to do right by your father and get you to safety.

Trust me, this is what Bryce would've... Aah!

Eunice, we gotta get going, it's getting real...

You're okay!

You're okay.

- You're okay. - Oh, my God,

were you worried about me?

What? No, no, no, no.

I was, well, I was... I was maybe mildly concerned.

Oh, look who thinks he could just walk back in

like everything's fine and the world isn't ending.

Hey, Eunice,

it's bad out there, we need bodies.

I'm gonna need you to call all your assassins.

Man, get the hell outta here with that nonsense.

If nobody came to help in Montauk,

what makes you think they're coming now?

Oh, I don't know, maybe because humans are about

to be wiped off the face of the fucking planet?

Look, my assassins don't know that and to be honest,

I don't think they even care.

They are down-and-dirty crooks, not UNICEF.

Ooh, bingo, bongo, so let's treat them like crooks.

Oh shit, they got snacks. That's a bad sign.

Damn, Bryce, how'd she pull this off?

Oh, yeah, Iris lied and told 'em

it was a high-paying gig

just like I would've done.

Hello, hello, hello.

Wanna hear something sexy?

I'm still pulling your hair out of my shower drain.

Not into hair play?

You know, I'm more into people with a backbone.

So you couldn't bother to show up to Montauk

when we needed you, but now that there's money involved,

you're suddenly here?

If this is the kind of person you are, I'm not interested.

- Oh. - Alright, so I'm thinking

I'll start things off with a light roast, you know?

Just kinda get everybody warmed up.

Hey, I know Gatling has a lot of issues with his mom,

- so I'm gonna come right... - No, no, no, stop.

I think Monkey should take the lead on this one.

- Monkey? - Huh?

You mean the guy that moans and grunts all the time?

Actually, you know what? That might work with this crowd.

You can translate, okay?

He's got more street cred with the assassins.

Plus, nobody liked you when you were alive.

There, I got it out.

- Damn. - Okay. Ouch.

You know what, fine.

Let's make it snappy, try to keep it under 60 seconds.

A minute, 20 tops.

Jesus wept. Would you hurry it up?

What is this all about?

Sorry, uh, qui-quick thing.

Yeah, is this a 1099 or a W2?

Yo, what's taking so long?

Alright, listen up.

First things first, there is no money.

For real?

- That answers my question. - I knew y'all was bullshit.

Good to see you guys.

I'm taking these croissants and I'm leaving!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, wait, just listen. Give us two minutes of your time.

Please don't leave.

Sit your asses down!

- Yup, sitting! - Uh, yes, ma'am.

Thank you, Eunice, and thank you for your understanding.

Again, no money, not a dime.

But now, I'm gonna hand it over to this monkey.

I know we're all pretty messed-up individuals

and we all probably need therapy.

Way to win 'em over.

We wouldn't be in this business

if we didn't have problems we were running away from.

Our moral compass, our convictions, it's all broken.

We are broken, but we're also a family

and, yes, fucked-up and deeply flawed family,

and all we seem to do is hurt each other over and over again.

But that's just part of being alive.

I mean, does the perfect family even exist?

You know, maybe the Jetsons, some would argue.

I... Later, okay, fine.

The point is, it's not too late to make things right.

I know we all kill people for a living,

but we have the chance to be heroes for once.

This family could save the world.

Now, who's with us?

Let's save the goddamn world with our guns!

Let's go.

Oh, man, they started off slow, but it really got there, huh?

Hey, I got you something.

Yeah, I thought maybe you'd wanna be a cool guy again.

Fuck yeah.

Yo, what's the plan?

The plan? Right, okay.

Um, any of you guys got a plan, even if it's half-baked,

- I don't care. - Dammit, ugh.

Uh, guys, look what I found.

The coffee table.

It's a bomb. That's right, that's the plan.

We're gonna blow up the Relic,

and Boone and all those idiots with it.

- Oh. - Are you kidding me?

Those assholes shot up my damn bomb.

Can you fix it, Danke?

The firing components are ruined.

I can probably get it up and running, but I need time.

Uh, yeah, we might not have that luxury.

Testes, testes, one, two. Is this thing on?

- What are you doing, your tight five? - Shut up.

I don't get why I have to be stuck here with the Geek Squad

while you guys get to have all the fun in the jungle.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

You know what's fun? Computers, office snacks.

Oh, safe spaces. I'm jealous of you actually.

Oh, my God, are you worried about me?

Maybe more like mildly concerned, hm?

Hey, Danke, no guns for her, alright?

Affirmative. Let's save the family therapy for later.

Now, let's talk strategy.

I've deconstructed the bomb into two separate components,

the explosive and the remote detonator.

Bryce and his team will take the bomb

and covertly plant it under Times Square

as close to the Relic as possible.

Monkey and his team will plant the remote detonator above ground.

Monkey needs to be at least 50 feet near the bomb site

because the telecom satellite I'm hijacking

to send the arm code has no reception on the ground,

just like my cell phone on the A train.

Monkey, your detonator will light up green when it's in proper distance.

No green, no boom, copy?

Oh, you think you've got it bad?

Mm, hard agree to disagree, bud.

Oh, this might take a while.

Pit crew, let's clear this shit

and get it up and move it in five, let's go!

Yeah, we've got company.

Monkey, watch out!

Huh?

We've got to take cover!

Well, well, well,

if it isn't the shitty gun guy

and his kindergarten sidekick trying to play hero.

Double-Tap.

Well, you know,

all the big action stars have a pierced ear.

Ha!

Uh, uh, uh.

I got 10 years' worth of ammo to use before the world ends,

and each bullet got your name on it, Monkey,

which, by the way, is a terrible name.

That would be like me calling myself person.

No, Monkey, no, we go together.

Fine. Then make him suffer.

Like fish in a barrel.

Parlor tricks, huh?

Alright, a little back alley, but fine.

Let's find out who the real gun guy is.

Ugh. What's it at now?

40%, same as 30 seconds ago.

Okay, got it.

- What about now? - Iris, Iris, please.

We've got a problem here.

Ah, excuszi, no Uzi, you heard your dad.

- But I... - Listen, when this screen goes green,

hit the button to send the arm code to the detonator, got it?

Uh-huh.

Hey, look at me, look at me.

You can do this.

Flower Child to Ghost Man. That train left the station yet?

Seconds away.

Pit crew, how we lookin'?

- Done. - Done.

Ugh! God dammit.

Alright, let's go.

- I thought you cleared everything. - I did.

I think it might be that...

Oh, shit, it's Amara.

- Shoot the coupler. - Here we go.

What are you doing? Shoot the goddamn coupler!

- It's gotta warm up. - Oh, for fuck's sake!

Whew. What the hell was that?

Just the beginning. You can't stop what's coming.

Get the hell outta here, man. Don't be an idiot.

My name is Gatling, what'd you expect?

She's catching up! Can't this thing go any fast...

Hi, asshole.

- You're looking stupid. - No, this is your stop.

Okay, ready?

Off the fire hydrant over the hot dog cart

between the rims of that Beemer.

Oh.

Well, I believe points have been made.

I'll be honest, Monkey, I expected more,

but at least you get to die knowing the truth,

that Double-Tap was always the real gun guy

and you were always just some animal with a gun.

So let's do this one last time.

Off the manhole cover.

Through the bike rack.

And into your furry little head.

Uh, wait, I'm sorry.

What?

You finally get a shot off and you shoot backwards?

What the... Oh.

71%, nice.

Yeah, that's great, but you really don't need

to announce every number.

- Fuck! - What the fuck?

Man, I sure hope my policy cover this.

- We have insurance? - 72%.

Uh, Monkey, is that light green yet?

Monkey, is that light green yet?

Monkey.

Monkey. Monkey, what's going on?

You're a long from the Fukuyama Mountains.

Oh, Dot?

Yeah. She's where she belongs, with her family.

Oh, look at this.

The two who betrayed me now forced to kill each other.

I mean, that is a pay-per-view fight

for the end of days.

Aw, Monkey.

I know you don't wanna hurt her, but she's gonna hurt you

and then I'm gonna hurt her.

Real bad.

Yeah, there you go.

That's the spirit.

Okay, how we lookin', kid?

88%. We need more time.

- No, no, no, no, no! - Iris! No.

No!

- Buddy! - Sorry I'm late.

They had two-for-ones at Margaritaville.

Iris! Iris?

I'm here.

I'm okay. Buddy showed up.

Things are under control, and the hack is at 92%.

Okay, good, good, I-I-I'm close too.

Okay, great.

I'm not gonna lie, though, that sounded like

more than mildly concerned.

Oh, I should have taken you to Disney.

What?

I should have stayed.

I should have taken you to Disney, you know?

Taught you how to, I don't know, drive a stick.

Intimidated your first boyfriend, you know?

Bryce, I'm gay.

Well, I should have been there to tell you that that's fine

and that I love you all the same.

Then intimidated whoever the hell came to pick you up that night.

Look, the point is, I wasn't there to parent.

I wasn't there to be your dad...

and honest to God...

that's the biggest regret of my life.

Well, then let's agree to both make it through this alive

so you don't fuck up our second chance.

Iris, listen, I...

Oh, shit.

God dammit, we're not close enough!

Maybe you're not such a coward after all.

That or you're just really fucking stupid.

Ah!

Dad?

Nah-uh, I was just curious what you'd look like with half a face!

Oh, I can see your crack!

Ugh. Truly get fucked, Bryce.

When I found you, you had nothing!

No purpose!

No family!

I gave that all to you, and you abandoned me at the very end?

I have the most powerful weapon in the world.

Shit.

You? You have a team of wannabes.

No, no, no.

Fighting an inescapable fate.

That's what hope does.

It blinds you from the truth.

Humanity's time is up.

What are you doing?

We're cursed, Monkey.

I know you think it's you, but it's us.

We are the cause of your suffering.

Our selfish, brutal impulses

are no longer individual deformities,

they're an evolutionary trait of our species.

You wanted to get rid of senseless killing?

This is how.

Look around.

A restart that you could still lead.

The animals are safe.

Live the rest of your days in peace.

Lay the guardrails for what comes next.

Do better, Monkey.

Leave the earth in better shape.

Come on, what do you say?

Wow, okay, then tell the devil I'll see him soon.

What?

Stone cold, am I right?

No! No. No.

Alright, here we go.

No!

No. No.

No, no, no, no.

No!

Monkey!

Holy shit, you guys okay?

Whoa, look at this guy.

Hey, crème Boon-ée, huh?

Sorry, I think that was a trauma response.

Dad, Dad, Dad, come in, are you okay?

Iris! Yeah, no, we're fine. I...

Actually, can I put you on hold for a sec?

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Oh whoa ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪