Original subtitles

TED: Kids, you remember my first date with Robin.

I think I'm in love with you.

What?!

Well, here's the thing,

normal people, you know, people who aren't your dad,

usually take longer to say "I love you."

Robin went through the usual stages.

Spider!

Spider! I left something in the hallway.

Where? Right there.

(sighs in relief) Got it.

First there's the moment when you think you think it.

Whoa, still alive. (yells)

There's the moment you think you know it.

Oh, you don't want to kiss me, you'll get sick.

Totally worth it.

There's the moment

where you know you know it, but you can't yet say it.

All right, it's getting to be that time.

I'll talk to you tomorrow?

Good night.

Good night.

Wait, Ted?

Yeah?

Good night.

Well, great, I'll see you then.

Bye, sweetie.

Hey. Guess what?

My sister Katie is coming to visit next weekend.

She gets in on Thursday.

That's awesome. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take off work Friday.

We're gonna take her to the Empire State Building.

Really? You'd do that?

Of course. Everyone should see the Empire State Building.

And then there's the moment where you know you know it,

and you can't keep it in any longer.

Ted. Yeah?

Falafel.

Falafel?

Falafel.

Instead of telling Ted you love him,

you said "falafel"?

I totally choked.

I just don't get it.

Why can't you tell Ted you love him?

Oh, come on, this is a big deal for me.

Oh, God, you'd think you never said it to a guy before.

No.

Okay, well, I don't usually get this far

in the relationship.

I usually take the three-week exit.

Don't tell me you're actually buying into

Barney's freeway theory.

Watch your steps when you get up, kids, 'cause I am about

to drop some knowledge.

Relationships are like a freeway.

Wait a minute, a month ago you told me relationships

are like a traveling circus.

No, this is new. This trumps that.

Freeways have exits.

So do relationships.

The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in.

You meet, you talk, you have sex,

you exit when she's in the shower.

So every girl you have sex with

feels the immediate need to shower?

Actually, yeah, I get that.

The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months--

that's when you guys are gonna break up, mark your calendars.

Hey! What?

Then a year and a half, 18 years,

and the last exit-- death.

Which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life,

it's like, "Are we there yet?"

So I've never been on the freeway this long before.

I mean, usually by now I find out the guy

has some weird personality thing

that makes me want to take the next exit.

Yeah, been there. I once dated a guy

who could only go to the bathroom

when classical music was playing.

Okay, it was Marshall.

It's just things are going so well with Ted

I just don't want to complicate it.

Relax, it'll happen when it happens.

Which is also the advice I gave Marshall

to get him over the classical music thing.

Oh, here comes Katie.

Aw, your sister's so cute. Yeah.

This reminds me of when I used to see her

coming up the driveway from school,

with her little pigtails and her Hello Kitty backpack.

Hello, Kitty. Oh, no.

No. No. No.

Hey, Robin.

Hey. How are you?

Oh, good. Good.

So, who is this...

tongue person?

Robin,

this is my boyfriend Kyle.

Looks like hotness runs in the family.

Oh, you said that.

Great.

So how long have you two been...?

Two whole months. Yeah.

He's actually coming to visit family in New York, too.

Isn't that great?

My cousin.

He's 23, kind of a wad,

but he buys me beer, so...

(chuckles nervously): That's cool.

This is my friend Lily.

Hot.

You say things!

Well, come on, let's get you

back to my place, we'll get you settled.

Um, actually, I'm going to stay with Kyle tonight.

Uh, no, you're not.

Oh, come on.

It's kind of a special night.

If you know what I mean.

What?

Oh.

Oh...

I can't believe my baby sister

is planning to lose her virginity

to a douche with a faux hawk.

This can't happen.

You guys have to help me talk her out of it.

Speech to talk a girl out of having sex.

Yeah, I don't have any of those.

Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.

Please? I'm her older sister. I'm supposed to teach her

how to make good and responsible decisions.

It's 2:00 and you've already had three scotch and sodas.

That's why I need your help.

Robin convinced Katie to stay with her that first night.

And the next day,

I took everyone to the Empire State Building.

You guys are lucky you came here with an architect.

Empire State Building fun fact number one:

When construction began on March 17, 1930, the framework rose

at a rate of four and a half stories per week.

Four and a half stories per week.

Four and a half stories per week.

(murmuring) Wow. There it is.

There it is. Come on.

These are fun facts, guys, let's have fun with them.

You know, Katie, I have wanted

to come to the Empire State Building for so long,

but I waited to come here with someone special.

Oh, here we go.

Marshall and I have never been

to the Empire State Building either.

But I'm so glad

I waited to do something so important

with my fiancé.

Speaking of waiting,

I signed an abstinence pledge in high school.

It's totally cool to wait.

And stay away from drugs...

other than pot.

You told them?

Oh, okay, yes, I told them.

But only because I think you should hear it

from other grown-ups, too.

Everyone thinks you should wait. Right, guys?

Totally. You should wait. Sex is fun.

See?

You are such a hypocrite.

You were only 16 when you lost yours.

Well, how do you know that? You left your diary

in your old room slash my new room.

I'll pay you $10,000 for that diary.

Look, I've been dating Kyle for two months now.

It's like forever.

I mean, we've already done everything else.

I mean, we've even...

Oh. La, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

(sighs)

Even Kyle gets to do that.

You have no right to tell me not to do it.

But Kyle? Why can't you just wait?

Because if you wait, you can get

a nice guy like Ted.

Robin, this is happening.

Look, I already put it up on my Myspace page.

I need a clove.

You smoke now, too?

Oh, remember cloves?

No! No "Aw, remember cloves?"

This can't happen.

She's my

baby sister, okay?

She should be watching The Little Mermaid

and drinking Yoohoo, and not having sex.

Come on, you were only 16 when you had sex.

I was 17.

We were 18.

Barney was probably 12.

(chuckles): Good one, Ted.

I was, uh, six... fourt...

How old were you again?

17.

Dude, me, too.

Barney, you okay?

Yeah, of course.

What, you don't believe me?

It was at camp, so I'm... What camp?

This place in the Catskills. Look it up.

I was there teaching for the summer.

What did you teach?

Uh, dance.

Dance?

Yeah, Ted, dance. Maybe you've heard of it.

It was just a simple summer job,

but it turned into so much more.

BARNEY: Her name was Frances Houseman,

but everyone called her Baby.

* Sylvia

* Yes, Mickey?

* How you call your loverboy?

* Come here, loverboy

* And if he doesn't answer

* Oh, loverboy

* And if he still doesn't answer? *

* I simply say, baby...

* Oh, baby

* My sweet baby

That's Dirty Dancing.

It was on last night.

No, it was two nights ago.

"She's Like the Wind"

has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours.

I just got it out. Now it's back in.

Damn you, Swayze!

Do you remember our first time?

Yeah.

It was back in college.

Oh, wait, wait. Look...

I really want to do this, but...

we should make it special, you know?

Do this right.

Okay.

You're right.

Maybe we could go to the beach

and get a house for the weekend.

Yeah, New Year's Eve.

Okay.

Oh, and we'll light candles

and maybe put on some classical music.

That's not a good idea.

Why not?

Long story.

But maybe we could put on some Al Green

and take a bubble bath together.

Oh, yeah, that sounds so good.

Oh, I love you, Marshall.

I'm so glad we're waiting.

Oops.

Oh, that's adorable.

Yeah, tell her what happened next.

That was amazing.

Yeah.

Want to do it again?

Please don't.

We said we were sorry.

Yeah, well, then why'd you do it again?

You know what, I loaned you my Walkman.

The point is

no matter what, it's never gonna be

as perfect as you want it to be.

Well, mine was terrible.

Wait, I've never heard your story.

Well, as you know, I was 16.

And it was with my boyfriend Brian.

Ready?

Yeah.

Wow.

This feels so right.

Oh, I know.

Oh, Robin.

Oh, Brian.

Yeah, I'm gay.

I'm so sorry.

Eh, I should've known.

There were signs.

(door opens) Oh, my God!

My mom's home. Quick!

Get under my bed. What?!

Oh, my God!

You only get one shot at losing your virginity.

And even though I just barely had sex, it counts.

What do you mean just barely?

Well, he didn't dive all the way into the pool,

but he... splashed around in the shallow end.

Then you didn't lose your virginity to him.

Just barely doesn't count.

Yes, it does.

No, it doesn't. Yes, it does.

No, it doesn't.

It doesn't count. End of story.

Ooh, why, Lily Aldrin, you saucy little harlot.

Could it be that before Marshall

took a swim, someone else tested the water?

(chuckles): No. Nobody else tested the water, right?

Scooter?

Who's Scooter?

My high school boyfriend,

who I did not have sex with.

I can't believe this.

We're Marshall and Lily-- when people see us, they say,

"Oh, look at them, they've only had sex with each other."

No, Marshall, they say,

(sadly): "Oh, look at them,

they've only had sex with each other."

MARSHALL: But now

that's not true anymore-- now you've had sex

with twice as many people as I have.

I knew that you were too good at it.

Know what? I don't want to see

the stupid Empire State Building anymore.

It's not stupid.

I'm going to see Kyle.

Katie, please.

You only get to lose your virginity once.

You should only be having sex with someone who's special.

Oh, please-- you've had sex with, like, a hundred guys.

It's not a hundred guys.

(loudly): It's not a hundred guys.

I'm sure you were madly in love with all of them.

I had different levels of feeling for each of the...

very reasonable number of guys.

Really.

Well, do you love Ted?

Do you love Ted?

I, um... Okay, Empire State Building

fun fact number 22:

The Empire State Building has tons of places

where people can have private conversations.

You're off the hook, okay? Just let me explain.

You don't have to explain anything.

You don't have to say it-- it's fine.

Okay, but if relationships are like a freeway,

then saying... "hm hm hm"

is like... getting into the carpool lane.

And I don't want to take an exit, but...

at the same time,

I'm not ready to get into the carpool lane.

Because what's in the carpool lane?

Oh, it's a big diamond, and I'm just not ready to get...

Okay, Robin, Robin, stop.

It's no big deal-- you don't have to say it.

It's just, it's a big thing to say to someone,

and I don't want to say it too soon.

What, you mean like I did?

No. I didn't...

Yeah, like you did.

I mean, you have to admit it, Ted, it was a little weird.

Weird... or courageous?

Pretty sure weird. Okay.

I mean, who gives it up on the first date?

Well, come on, it shows I'm brave and bold, like a knight.

No, it shows that you're an I-love-you slut.

Well, then you're an I-love-you prude.

You know what? I take mine back.

You... What? I take my "I love you" back.

You can't take it back. Nah. Just did. Got it right here.

But, you know, I'm such a slut,

I'm just gonna give it away

Hey, you, sir. I love you.

(voice breaks): Thank you, man.

I was going up there to jump.

LILY: Marshall, why is this such a big deal?

Why is this such a big deal?

Oh, uh, sorry, Christopher Columbus,

guess who actually discovered the New World.

Some dude named Scooter.

Oh, uh,

Neil Armstrong, it actually goes like this:

"One small step for man, one giant leap for Scooter."

Whoa, hey, Adam,

guess who got with Eve before you did... Okay, Marshall,

I get it.

It's a big deal because

it rewrites our history.

No, it doesn't.

Look, have you been to the Empire State Building?

No. You've only been in the lobby.

People don't buy tickets to get in the lobby.

They buy tickets to get to the top.

Scooter only

got in the lobby,

and the lobby doesn't count.

Really. Excuse me, sir, uh, can you tell me

how to get to the Empire State Building?

Um, we're in it right now.

Thank you, sir.

You're a very wise and brilliant man.

You're right.

Why would I throw that all away?

I'm having the best day!

Katie, I'll admit,

maybe I'm not in any place to lecture you

on romantic relationships, but...

but I just don't want you

to make the same mistakes that I've made.

(laughs): Oh, believe me, Kyle is not gay.

That's not what I meant.

I just wish you weren't in such a rush to grow up.

Please don't do this.

TED: But, kids, later that night Katie did it,

and she got pregnant...

with quintuplets...

and she lived out her days in a trailer park...

where she died an alcoholic.

So the moral here, kids,

is don't have sex until you're married.

Maybe even wait a year or two into marriage.

Dad! Dad! Come on, what really happened?

All right,

here's what really happened.

Hey. Hey.

She didn't do it.

Hey, that's great! You got through to her.

No, I didn't. You did.

She told me that you talked to her.

Hey, Katie.

Hey.

Got another Empire State Building fun fact for me?

(laughs): No. I wouldn't bore you

with the seven million man-hours it took to build

this 102-story testament to human will.

So, you okay?

I don't know what everyone is freaking out about.

Kyle, he's a really nice guy.

He could've cheated on me

with my lab partner Gretchen Gwynn, but he didn't.

'Cause he said he knew I'd find out.

That's very gallant.

Well, I don't know what

your sister's freaking out about, either.

I was your age my first time. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. It was, uh, it was with this girl, Molly.

I love you, Ted.

Oh, I love you, too, Molly.

But I didn't.

That was amazing.

Look, I got to go.

Where are you going?

My cousin got some firecrackers from Mexico.

We're going out to the woods to light 'em--

it's gonna be awesome.

Well, will you call me?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll totally call you.

But I didn't.

Molly?

Yeah?

Can I borrow 20 bucks? I'll totally pay you back.

But I didn't.

And I never saw her again.

I told her I loved her, but... I just wanted to have sex.

I-I would've said anything to make that happen, and...

that's exactly what I did.

Oh. Look, I'm not telling you

what to do.

I'm just telling you what all 17-year-old boys are like.

Even the nice ones.

So I told Kyle I wanted to wait...

(crying): and he dumped me.

Oh, oh, sweetie,

I'm so sorry.

Aw, honey.

I promise everything is gonna be okay.

You want to watch The Little Mermaid

and drink some Yoo-Hoo?

Only if you put a buttload of Kahlua in it.

Don't tell Mom.

Thanks for doing that.

You're welcome. I knew it meant a lot to you.

But, man, your story,

I mean, it doesn't even sound like you.

Yeah, well...

I love you, Molly.

Oh, I love you, too, Ted.

Wow. That was amazing.

Look, I got to go.

Wh-Where are you going?

Uh, my cousin got some firecrackers from Mexico.

We're going into the woods to light them.

It's gonna be awesome.

Will you call me?

Yeah. I'll totally call you.

Oh, Ted?

Yeah?

Can I borrow 20 bucks? I'll totally pay you back.

But she didn't.

Oh, come here.

I love you.

(exhales)

(laughs): I said it.

Feels right.

I love you. I'm gay.

Oh... I'm kidding.

I love you, too.

Mmm... Mmm...

Hey...

you lost your I-love-you-ginity.

Yeah. I guess I was just waiting for the right guy.

Katie ended up having a great first time in New York.

And the last thing we did before she left

was go to the Empire State Building.

Wow, I am so glad we're finally doing this.

What are you talking about? We were here yesterday.

Yeah, but that didn't really count.

Oh, crap.

Exactly!

So yesterday doesn't count

as having gone to the Empire State Building.

So I lost it to you, Marshall.

And I rode that elevator to the top,

and I saw that view, and I basked in the awesomeness.

And that's our story.

Yeah. Yeah, that's our story.

We've only had sex with each other.

We've only had sex with each other.

They've only had sex with each other.

(shudders)

Ooh, okay, in, in we go, in we go.

Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, Empire State Building fun fact number 81:

There are 1,860 steps

from this... Whoa, whoa!

(Barney cackles) Come on!

So, now you guys can finally say

you've been to the Empire State Building.

How have you lived here so long and never been to the top?

Well, we're usually busy...

drinking.

LILY: Speaking of first times,

we never got to hear your virginity story. Oh, yeah.

That's right, I almost forgot.

Okay. I was 16,

and it was in a baseball dugout...

Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

I mean, I was in a subway with a high-priced call girl...

Risky Business.

I was accidentally hacking into NORAD'S computer...

That's War Games, and there's not even a sex scene in it.

All right!

I was 23, and it was with my mom's 45-year-old

divorced friend, Rhonda.

She called me "Barry" the whole time,

and for two weeks, my comforter smelled like menthol cigarettes.

You happy?

Hey...

Why don't you

tell us again about your first time

at the camp in the Catskills.

Baby and her family spent every summer at Kellerman's.

Her dad did not approve of our love.

Did anyone put Baby in a corner?

Oh, God, no.

What can I say, I...

had... the time of my life.

True story. Mm.

* I had

* The time of my life.