All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S02E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Ewe
Faroese
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Ga
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Interlingua
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kurdish (Soranî)
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lingala
Lithuanian
Lozi
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Nigerian Pidgin
Northern Sotho
Norwegian
Norwegian (Nynorsk)
Occitan
Oriya
Oromo
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Punjabi
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Runyakitara
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Serbo-Croatian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Tatar
Telugu
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Tshiluba
Tumbuka
Turkish
Turkmen
Twi
Uighur
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,199
TED:
Marshall and Lily
had been together
2
00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:05,411
for nine wonderful years,
3
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,313
until she dumped him
and ran off to San Francisco.
4
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,646
The healing process
was taking a long time.
5
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,282
(groans)
6
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,177
Then, one night,
he made a giant leap forward.
7
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,779
All right, I'll
see you guys later.
8
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,020
I'll walk you out.
9
00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:20,346
MARSHALL:
See ya.
10
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,126
You just checked out
Robin's ass.
11
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:27,733
What? No!
N-No, Barney, I was...
12
00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,425
Dude, that's awesome.
13
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:30,927
You're finally
forgetting
14
00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:33,668
about that short redhead.
Lily.
15
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:34,704
Yes, Lily. Thank you.
16
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,738
That was going to drive me
crazy all night.
17
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:39,274
Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked
out your girlfriend's ass.
18
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,580
I did not, Ted, I...
That's awesome.
19
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:42,982
You're finally
getting better.
20
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,753
This is the moment
I've been waiting for.
21
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:47,952
Starting tonight, I am going
to teach you how to live.
22
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,045
Ted, you had your chance.
You're out; Marshall's in.
23
00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:52,248
Yes!
Oh, God.
24
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:56,320
Marshall, being a single guy
in New York City is like...
25
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,560
What's something
everybody likes?
Candy.
26
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:01,526
Yes, it's like being
in a candy store.
27
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:04,625
You just walk right in
and grab yourself some Whoppers.
28
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,268
(groans)
Yeah.
29
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,841
Is Whoppers the best one?
30
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:09,842
Mounds.
31
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,043
Milk Duds.
32
00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:12,605
Gobstoppers.
33
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,713
This went on for another hour;
I'll just skip to the end.
34
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:18,878
Dubble Bubbles.
Nice!
35
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,176
Marshall.
36
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:21,178
We're doing this.
37
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:23,079
I am not taking no
for an answer.
38
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:25,221
Fine.
(chuckles)
Hey, Robin.
39
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,286
Marshall checked out your ass.
40
00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,194
Ted, what is wrong with you?
41
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,856
He checked out my ass.
42
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:30,993
Hey, tell him thanks.
43
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:33,058
I felt like I was having
a bad ass day.
44
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,627
Cool, see ya.
45
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:39,202
Lily.
46
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:42,437
It is a great ass.
47
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,490
TED:
None of us had seen Lily
in three months.
48
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,363
There were so many
unanswered questions,
49
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,692
so many things to say.
50
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:05,926
Your hair is adorable.
51
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,003
(both giggling)
52
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:10,661
Meanwhile, Barney was taking
Marshall out to meet women
53
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,031
for the first time
since he was 17.
54
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,100
Just wing it.
Come on.
55
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,938
Hi. Have you
met Marshall?
56
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,843
Hi.
Hi.
57
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:22,406
Look how sweaty my hands are.
58
00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:25,684
It's weird, right? Uh, sweat?
59
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:29,746
Like, this smelly water
coming out of your skin.
60
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,651
Eww.
It was nice meeting you.
61
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,920
I-I-I hate to
interrupt, but, uh,
62
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,929
do you like magic?
63
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,691
Um, I guess.
64
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:40,790
(gasps)
65
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,229
Oh, my God!
66
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,637
(laughing)
67
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,102
Anyway, Marshall
here is awesome.
68
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,071
Salad in a bag? His idea.
69
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:54,240
Dude!
70
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:55,808
You were awesome last night.
71
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:56,876
You were charming,
72
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:59,814
you were funny, you were totally
working that girl.
73
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:00,950
You went home with her.
74
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,684
Yes, I did.
75
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,180
But she told me
76
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,662
that if it wasn't for me, you
would have had a shot with her,
77
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,691
so, in hypothetical terms,
you scored last night.
78
00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,128
All right!
79
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,932
Hypothetical high five.
80
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,755
Nice.
81
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:19,230
All right. Tonight, we're going
to go to the bar...
82
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,100
Barney, no, I am not going
out with you ever again.
83
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:25,439
Come on! I'll, I'll teach you
all of my strategies.
Oh, really?
84
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,336
My favorite, number seven:
85
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,338
create a mystery about yourself.
86
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,840
That way,
they become so intrigued,
87
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,211
they have to hang out
with you all night.
88
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,721
Oh, come on, does
that really work?
89
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:38,552
Maybe it does,
and maybe it doesn't.
90
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,018
Damn it, that's intriguing.
91
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,289
Okay, I'm in.
92
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:48,999
I have something you've
got to hear.
You will not
believe what just happened.
93
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,632
You go first.
94
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,598
I found a 1939 penny
on the subway.
95
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,897
Just imagine
the kind of history
96
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,139
this little copper guy...
97
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,514
Lily's back in town.
98
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:02,412
And you let me go first?
Have you seen her?
99
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,206
Uh, yeah. I actually went
100
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,908
apartment-hunting
with her today.
101
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,249
How's she doing?
102
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:08,715
You're not going to like it.
103
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,387
I am doing great.
104
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,692
This summer,
best thing ever!
105
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,364
San Francisco is so
happening right now.
106
00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:17,694
She's happy?!
107
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,988
Marshall had the worst
summer of his life,
108
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:22,400
and she's happy.
109
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:24,203
Yeah, and I suppose
her art program
110
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,174
was all fulfilling or whatever.
111
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:29,603
Oh. The art program--
best thing ever.
112
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,410
Oh, my God.
113
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,372
This is your best work.
114
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,011
In all my years teaching,
I've never seen
115
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,505
anything so...
116
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:40,308
Needless to say,
this is art.
117
00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:41,621
(chuckles)
118
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:44,252
I can't teach you anything.
119
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,288
(gasps)
120
00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:47,994
(chuckles)
121
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,915
But the best part of S.F.--
122
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:50,720
Oh, that's what
123
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,591
we call San Francisco--
the people.
124
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:56,001
Even just riding around
on the bus all summer.
125
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:59,073
It was like a human tapestry.
126
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,702
Hi, I'm Mike.
127
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:04,098
I'm a Buddhist monk slash
adventure-traveler writer.
128
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:07,311
I'm Paula. I sing in a
punk band for children.
129
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,835
Yeah.
130
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,609
I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon.
131
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,548
You are stunning, by the way.
132
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,615
Wow. I'm so happy for you.
133
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,715
Oh, she's such a...
134
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:23,288
After what she did to Marshall,
135
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,727
she should come back here
devastated,
136
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,533
crawling on all fours
over the broken glass
137
00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:28,895
of her own shame and regret.
138
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,702
You never chose sides.
I respect that.
139
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:32,895
She's unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
140
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,966
Unbelievable?
What's unbelievable?
141
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,136
Oh. Listen, Marshall.
142
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:38,614
Ted found a penny
on the subway,
143
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:42,812
and it's old, and
that's interesting.
144
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,876
Way to go.
145
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:50,676
Okay, first of all,
that is interesting.
146
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,521
Second, we have
to tell him.
147
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,016
No, we don't.
148
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,087
He's just starting to get
better, going out with Barney.
149
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:58,356
I mean, how do you think
he's going to feel
150
00:05:58,426 --> 00:05:59,556
when he hears
Lily's moved on?
151
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,227
She's moved on?
152
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,134
It happens.
I've fallen out of love
153
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,296
faster than that before,
154
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,974
sometimes, boom, with
no warning whatsoever.
155
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:09,473
One day we're in love,
the next day, he's dead to me.
156
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:14,714
But we're great. Honey.
157
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,080
Now, let's review
Barney's rules for
mating without dating.
158
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,577
Lesson two, corollary five.
159
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,890
Make a beautiful woman feel
self-conscious and unattractive,
160
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:27,393
and she'll be
putty in your hands.
161
00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:28,455
Excellent.
162
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,062
Have you chosen your entrée?
163
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,093
I have. Sweet brunette,
eight o'clock.
164
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,500
Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty.
165
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,132
She's walking to the bar.
166
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,104
Her? Really?
167
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,065
Yeah.
168
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,472
No, you're right.
169
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,374
Ambition is the enemy
of success.
170
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:43,736
Okay. Hit it.
171
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,243
(smacks lips)
172
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,238
What's the matter, four eyes,
173
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,539
you got astigmatism
or something?
174
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,081
I'm sorry, I was trying
to playfully disarm you,
175
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,905
but I just got out
of a long relationship.
176
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,451
I have no idea
what I'm doing.
177
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,217
I'm Marshall.
178
00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:00,245
Hi, Marshall. Amy.
179
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,020
Don't worry. I've been there.
180
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,419
Hold on.
181
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:06,131
Nice recovery.
I think it's working.
182
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,093
Um, Amy.
183
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,500
This is my friend, Barney.
184
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,202
Barney, this is Amy.
185
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,263
Hi, Barney.
186
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,031
Nice to
meet you.
Hi.
187
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:18,144
Amy, do you like... magic?
188
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,165
I hate you.
I am so sorry.
189
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:22,281
It's a sickness.
190
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,012
I'm the real victim here.
191
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,407
Twice.
192
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,479
Twice in a row,
you took my candy.
193
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,178
That was my candy.
194
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,419
I know, but tonight...
195
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,354
No.
196
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,418
Forget it.
197
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,616
You're such a jackass.
198
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,834
I thought you were gonna
call me a jerk.
199
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,630
All right, I'm sorry.
200
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,725
I will make it up to you.
201
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:44,997
Tonight, we'll go
to a college bar
202
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,795
near NYU--
The Scorpion and the Toad.
203
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:48,638
I figure
204
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:49,842
in a younger crowd
205
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,473
you'll seem more mature,
more worldly
206
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:55,079
and, as a third-year
law student, more smarter.
207
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,179
Okay, but no magic.
208
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,317
How did you do that?
209
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,485
I'm taking a leak, dumb ass.
210
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,017
Robin and I met Lily
211
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,691
outside the next apartment
she was seeing.
212
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,430
But I need the freedom
to really chase my passion,
213
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,455
which was painting,
214
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,830
but now I think
it's music
215
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,728
or spoken word-- maybe both.
216
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,570
God! Isn't life amazing?
217
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:24,805
It is so great
to see you, Ted.
218
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:28,042
I'm going to get the key
from the lockbox.
219
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,938
Hmm?
220
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,040
What?
221
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,111
She's miserable.
222
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,649
She's realized she's
made a huge mistake.
223
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,624
Her and Marshall will be back
together in a week.
224
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,593
I love it!
Um, no. You just
225
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:38,721
want Lily to be miserable.
226
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:39,946
The truth is, she's happy.
227
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,920
Trust me. I've known
Lily for nine years.
228
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,259
Trust me. I'm a girl.
229
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,693
Yeah, but you're Canadian.
Why do you always
230
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,058
have to bring that up?
231
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,426
You're our weird
neighbors to the north.
232
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:49,504
You bring it up every time.
All right,
five bucks says
233
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,133
she still wants Marshall.
234
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,928
You're on.
235
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,340
Five American bucks.
Damn it.
236
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,202
Okay, so how do we get
237
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:57,940
the truth out of her.
238
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,265
Tequila. It's
her weakness.
239
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,140
Three shots, she'll tell you
the truth about anything.
240
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,606
I hope this is my new home.
241
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:11,148
Yeah, I'm going to take
that first apartment.
242
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,788
(knocking)
243
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:14,923
Marshall Eriksen, suit up!
244
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,688
No way.
Yeah, you're
good in that.
245
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,187
Let's go.
246
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,458
(clears throat)
Wait.
247
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:20,826
Empty your pockets.
248
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,904
Come on.
249
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,498
Come on, let's...
250
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,499
(clears throat)
Sleeves.
251
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,570
There is nothing in my...
252
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:39,910
Oh, is that right?
253
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:40,980
Uh-huh.
254
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:42,618
Let's go.
(clears throat)
255
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,723
Behind my ear.
256
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:46,415
There is nothing behind your...
257
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:48,186
BOTH:
Oh.
258
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,231
WOMAN:
Yeah, I'm in pre-law.
259
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,703
The workload's
killing me, though.
260
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:56,863
Oh, tell me about it.
261
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,530
I'm third year
at Columbia Law, so...
262
00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,768
Hmm.
if the workload
263
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,503
does kill you, I can
probably get a conviction.
264
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:02,598
(both laughing)
265
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,100
Yeah.
266
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,935
You must be
majoring in
chemistry,
267
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:10,437
'cause what I'm picking
up between us is, uh...
268
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:12,350
College lesbian phase.
269
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,623
Listen, I got to go,
270
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:20,086
but it'd be great
to see you again.
271
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:23,023
Yes, it would.
272
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,630
It really would.
273
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,593
Well, maybe I'll
see you here sometime.
274
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:31,501
Probably not.
I'm never here, so...
275
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,234
You know, I do have
a phone number.
276
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,740
Great. Nice.
277
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,544
Hi, I'm Barney.
278
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:39,535
Oh, no.
279
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:41,506
Do you...
280
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,244
mind giving my friend
your phone number?
281
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,710
Sure.
282
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,577
Whoo!
283
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,018
I did it! I got
a girl's phone number.
284
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,224
Oh, and her handwriting
is so cute, look.
285
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:55,356
Oh, I'm gonna take
her out for Chinese food
286
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,322
and then maybe we'll
walk through the park.
287
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,590
It'll be so... what?
288
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,388
Sorry, buddy, I'm
taking this one, too.
289
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,244
I'll kill you!
290
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,141
And then, I discovered
this area, North Beach.
291
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,444
Best beach ever!
292
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,765
Oh, I've been
293
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,381
blabbering on about my summer.
294
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,513
How are you guys doing?
295
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:19,778
And hey, how's Marshall?
296
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,207
Give me the card!
I'm not giving you any card.
297
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,151
I swear...!
You are not getting...!
298
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,216
Terrific.
299
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,354
That is so good to hear.
300
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:26,348
(cell phone ringing)
301
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,219
Oh, hold on.
302
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,357
This could be
about the apartment.
303
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,222
(ringing continues)
304
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,331
Okay, we're way past
truth-telling-Lily
305
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,903
and about to hit
Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lily
306
00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:36,532
and I'm not cleaning
that up again.
307
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,866
So, congratulations,
you win.
308
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,633
She's happy.
309
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,341
I didn't get it.
310
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,271
That first apartment, I...
311
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,879
I waited too long and...
312
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,581
somebody else got it.
313
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:53,113
(crying)
314
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,480
Interesting.
315
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:57,886
Wow, Lily,
you, uh...
316
00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,721
seem to be having a
pretty strong reaction
317
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:00,987
on losing an apartment.
318
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,064
I wonder if it's
because it reminds you
319
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,693
of something else
you lost because
you couldn't commit.
320
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,689
(continues crying)
No, Lily,
321
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,401
you're crying
over the crown molding
322
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,762
and the real
hardwood floors.
323
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,731
There's no
deeper meaning.
324
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,940
Right, Lily? Just quit
crying and tell him.
325
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,672
(crying continues)
326
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:20,436
The apartment is a metaphor
for Marshall.
327
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,348
Stop it.
You don't want to see
328
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,116
what I'm like
when I'm angry.
329
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:32,124
Stop! Hold on!
330
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,485
If we can't settle
this like gentlemen,
331
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:34,523
then no one
gets the number.
332
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,917
(screams)
333
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,259
Stop the cab.
Wha...?
334
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:38,934
(tires screech)
335
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,432
No, wait. Come on.
336
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,363
Marshall!
(door closes)
337
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,969
81st and First, please.
338
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,470
Ah, she does have
cute handwriting.
339
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,070
TED:
The thing about a hangover
340
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,810
is that everyone has their
own special remedy.
341
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:55,875
WAITER:
Morning, guys.
342
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,243
What can I get you?
Shh!
343
00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:00,550
Bring me the dirtiest,
greasiest tuna melt you got.
344
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,253
And a milk shake.
345
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,215
For you, sir?
346
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,294
Gravy.
347
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,494
You want that gravy
on something?
348
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,456
Surprise me.
349
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,064
I'd take you with gravy
350
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,656
if my boyfriend wasn't
sitting right here.
351
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,968
Just kidding. I'm good.
352
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,226
What are you so chirpy about?
353
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,601
She's still drunk
from last night.
354
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,240
I don't think so.
355
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,535
Whoo!
356
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,342
Look, if you want
Marshall back so bad,
357
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:34,351
how come it took you two
days to even ask about him?
358
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:35,884
I was dying to ask.
359
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,219
I was just trying
to play it cool.
360
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,815
But really...
361
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,547
But it's good, I mean,
work is great...
362
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,021
LILY:
Come on, say something
about Marshall.
363
00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:44,120
Where's Marshall?
How's Marshall?
364
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:45,291
What's Marshall
doing right now?
365
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:46,688
Shut up and talk
about Marshall.
366
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:47,829
Shut up
and talk about Marshall.
367
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,055
Shut up and talk
about Marshall.
368
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,099
Marshall, Marshall,
Marshall, Marshall...
369
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,604
I've got to ask!
370
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,595
And hey, how's Marshall?
371
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,097
It was such an awful summer.
372
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,909
I just wanted to get
back here and see him.
373
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:00,812
But I thought
your summer was great.
374
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,814
Not exactly.
375
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,676
Oh, my God.
376
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,545
This is your best work?
377
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,045
In all my years teaching,
378
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,587
I've never seen anything
so needless.
379
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,390
To say this is... art...
380
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,131
I can't teach you anything.
381
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:25,474
So all those interesting people
you met on the bus?
382
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,602
Yeah, um...
383
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,637
Hi. I'm Mike.
384
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:33,442
I'm a Buddhist monk slash
adventure travel writer.
385
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:38,376
(imitating woman):
I'm Paula. I sing
in a punk band for children.
386
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,305
(deep voice):
I'm Dan. I'm
a neurosurgeon.
387
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:44,990
You are stunning,
by the way.
388
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,852
I never got in touch
because I was too embarrassed.
389
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,621
I screwed
everything up.
390
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,689
I have no job,
no place to live.
391
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,329
I lost the love of my life.
392
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:58,566
I know I have no right
to ask this,
393
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,401
but do you think Marshall
would take me back?
394
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:02,938
In a heartbeat.
395
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,343
If you called
him up, yeah,
396
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,714
he'd take you back
with open arms.
397
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:10,143
Wow. So maybe I should call him.
398
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,480
Maybe.
399
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,705
No! This is... Ow!
400
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,181
Hold on.
401
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,849
Look, if you're going
to go back to him,
402
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,448
I don't want to hear
the word "maybe."
403
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,320
"Maybe" cannot be
in your vocabulary.
404
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,419
This breakup
almost killed him.
405
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,631
And he cannot go through
it again.
406
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:27,763
So, unless
407
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,757
you're absolutely certain,
408
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,199
stay the hell away from him.
409
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,672
This guy likes pennies.
410
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,470
Hi, Marshall.
411
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,881
No, go away. I don't
want to talk to you.
412
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,553
Okay, I know what I did
a couple nights back
413
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,923
is in a moral
gray area.
414
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:52,292
But the great news is,
she loved you.
415
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,052
If things had
gone your way--
416
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,391
you'd gone out
a couple times,
417
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,715
I think she definitely would
have had sex with you.
418
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,360
There's no "would"
in sex.
419
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:01,657
(both chuckle)
420
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,128
You're right, I totally...
421
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,926
I'm just no good
at this, Barney.
422
00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,628
I'm good at being
in a couple,
423
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,099
I'm good at being
Lily's boyfriend.
424
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,138
Being single-- forget it.
425
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:11,703
Come on, you can't
give up now.
426
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,071
What if I told you that
you could relive that night
427
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,781
with the exact same
conversations,
428
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,142
the exact same jokes
429
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:19,950
only this time, you
get her and I don't.
430
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,413
That's not possible.
431
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,021
Oh, but it is.
432
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,823
She has... wait for it...
433
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,415
(voice rising):
...here it comes...
434
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,617
(high-pitched):
...almost there...
435
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:30,889
an identical twin.
436
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,887
Yes!
437
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:35,259
A twin isn't
the same person.
438
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,458
Of course it is. What do
you think identical means?
439
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,130
"Ident"-- same,
"ical"-- person.
Same person.
440
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,440
Hey, we could
double date.
441
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,867
Fine.
442
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:47,738
But you have to promise me,
443
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,107
you're not going to steal
my new twin, and leave me
444
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,478
with your old, used-up twin.
445
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:54,546
Used up?
446
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,754
They're a human
being, Marshall.
447
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,717
So Uncle Marshall
and Uncle Barney
448
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,788
went out on a double date
with the twins.
449
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,727
How you doing?
450
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,092
Great.
451
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,230
Amazing.
This is so much fun.
452
00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:11,326
And I think me and the
girl are really clicking.
453
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:12,468
You are,
you definitely are.
454
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,332
Listen, you're going
to have to leave now.
455
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,871
I just talked
with the twins, and get this,
456
00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:19,366
I'm going home
with both of them.
457
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,479
Yeah. That's happening.
458
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,612
It is impossible
that you're doing
this to me again.
459
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,078
But they're twins.
460
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,318
You-- you said to me
that being single
461
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,253
would be like being
in a candy store.
462
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,219
Well, it's not, it's not
like a candy store.
463
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,857
It's a lawless,
postapocalyptic wasteland.
464
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,493
I may be your
best friend...
Actually Ted's my best friend.
465
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:42,829
But in this world, it's
every hombre for himself.
466
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,165
That's what being single is.
467
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:47,202
And after nine years
in captivity,
468
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,397
that is the single greatest
lesson I can teach you
469
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,869
about surviving in the wild.
470
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:53,307
Now, if you'll excuse me...
471
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:54,943
I have two unique breasts
472
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,237
and two duplicates
waiting for me.
473
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,482
(chuckles)
474
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:04,278
Oh, bad news-- Marshall got
food poisoning.
475
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,391
What?
Oh, no.
476
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,493
That's too bad.
I really liked him.
477
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:11,815
Yeah. well, I guess
we're just a threesome tonight.
478
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,535
Lily, what are you doing here?
479
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,375
Oh, oh, I was just
walking by. I wasn't...
480
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,142
Oh, you mean New York?
481
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,181
My program ended.
482
00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:34,005
It was just great.
483
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,480
Just lots of fun...
It was awful.
484
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,249
It was the worst mistake
I ever made.
485
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:41,448
I'm so sorry, Marshall,
and... hello.
486
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,363
Lily, this was the
worst summer of my life.
487
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:49,496
I know. It was the worst
summer of my life.
488
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,502
It was the hardest
thing that I've ever
had to go through.
489
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:55,995
Can we please get back together?
490
00:18:56,068 --> 00:19:00,168
All that crap you
said to me about,
491
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,880
"we need to figure out
who we are outside of us,
492
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:06,813
and we need to learn
to do things on our own,"
493
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,879
it broke my heart.
494
00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:14,150
Three months ago,
you broke my heart.
495
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,589
Can we please
get back together?
496
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,629
Lily, you were right.
497
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:27,895
All that crap was right.
498
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,697
So, no.
499
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,169
No, we can't
get back together.
500
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,409
We shouldn't.
501
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:37,444
At least, not right now.
502
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,510
Wow.
503
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:44,650
Okay. Yeah.
504
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:48,456
Well...
505
00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:53,233
Will we still see each other?
506
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:55,833
Yeah, yeah.
507
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,255
I think so.
508
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:00,598
I don't know.
509
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:03,197
This is all really
new to me.
510
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:07,742
I just got out of
a long relationship.
511
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,079
I like your hair.
512
00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:16,276
Thanks.
513
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:20,549
I figured new city,
a different color...
514
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,560
* ...Wide open road *
515
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:26,092
* It was love to us *
516
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,958
* It was all that we had... *
517
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:36,195
And the pizza there,
worst pizza ever.
518
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:39,409
I'm so glad to be
back in New York.
519
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:44,183
Listen, if there's
anything I can do
520
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,313
to even begin to make
things up to you...
521
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:52,219
Actually there may be something
that you can do for me,
522
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:55,715
but you can never
ever ask me why.
523
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,758
So then I was promoted
to assistant ménage-er...
524
00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:01,685
Manager--
why do I keep doing that?
525
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,331
Lily?
526
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,727
You gave me chlamydia,
you jerk.
527
00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:13,741
So where was I?
528
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:15,876
Ah, yes, assistant ménage-er...
I did it again.
529
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,352
I can't believe it.
530
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,352
You gave my twin sister
chlamydia.
531
00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:23,484
You slime!
532
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:28,663
Wha... wait, I know magic.
533
00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:33,988
Well played, Eriksen.
534
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:36,630
Well played.
34453
