All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S01E01.1080p.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-TrollHD.Eng

[ Earl Narrating ]
You know that guy you see going
into the convenience store...

when you stop off
in that little town
on the way to Grandma's house?

Sort of shifty lookin' fella
who buys a pack of smokes,
a couple lotto scratchers...

and a tallboy
at 10:00 in the mornin'?

The kind of guy you wait
to come out before you
and your family go in?

Well, that guy's me.

My name is Earl.

And if you took the time
to really get to know me,

find out what kind
of person I truly am instead
of just stereotypin' me...

because of the way I look,
well, you'd be wasting
your time.

Because I'm exactly
who you think I am.

Hell, I'll pretty much steal
anything that isn't nailed down.

About six years ago,
I was out drinkin' when I met
this little firecracker.

You got great boobs, Peggy.

Her name was not Peggy.
My name is Joy.

You got great boobs, Joy.

She kept buyin' me drinks,
and later that night
she drove us to Vegas.

By the time I sobered up,
we were married.

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

The next mornin' I was
recuperating from being
a little... over-served.

Morning, Hubby.
[ Moans ]

Hell, when I was drinking,
I just thought
she had a bit of a belly.

Some people might think gettin'
so drunk you accidentally
marry a woman...

that's six months pregnant
is a good reason
to stop drinkin'.

Personally, I think it's
a good reason to keep drinkin'.

Joy didn't remember much
about the boy's real father,
except that he drove a Ford.

So, we named him Dodge.

A few years later,
we were having our first child
from my own personal seed.

[ Screaming ]
The doctors already told us
he was gonna come out a boy,

so we went ahead
and named him.

There he was.

Earl Jr.

[ Boys Shouting ]

People ask me how I can stay
with a cheatin' wife and two
horrible kids that aren't mine.

I guess I just believe
in the sanctity of marriage.

Besides, I'm sure just
as many people ask her why
she hasn't thrown out...

her good-for-nothing husband
and his brother who lives
on their couch.

That's Randy, the best brother
anyone could ever ask for.

That's Darnell.
He's always hooking us up...

with bowls full of stuff
he's not legally allowed
to put in the crab cakes.

- Thanks, Crab Man.
- No problem, Earl.

Thank you, Darnell.
Anytime, Joy.

Randy and I love the free
crabmeat, and for some reason,
Joy loved comin' here too.

And if we were lucky,
Wanda would push B-7.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Wanda, don't tell me
you pushed B-7.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Anyway, that was our life.

It wasn't glamorous or nothin',
but it was regular enough.

At least it was regular enough
until three weeks ago.

Son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch!
Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

I'm rich!
$100,000, sucker!

[ Grunts ]
[ Screaming ]

[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Car Departs ]

That was the happiest
10 seconds of my life.

As soon as I was conscious,
Randy went back to look
for my scratcher.

[ Car Horns Honking ]
But I knew
he wouldn't find it.

I would have been more upset
if I wasn't so doped up.

Hey, baby.
Hey there. Sign these next to
the sticky little yellow things.

Okeydokey.

Earl J. Hickey.

- Hey, Crab Man.
- Hey, Earl.

Darnell's parents threw him
out for growing weed in his
closet, so he's moving in.

- We're thinkin'
about gettin' married.
- But we're married.

Not anymore we're not.
Thank you for the trailer.

Trust me, Earl,
this is gonna be better
for everybody involved.

Earl Jr. really should
be with his daddy.
Feel better now, okay.

Now, I've never been much
of a complainer, but lyin'
in traction that night,

knowing that I no longer
had a home,

no longer had a wife...

and no longer had
a $100,000 lottery ticket,

well, I think I might have cried
if I wasn't afraid of Randy
waking up and seeing me.

Then it happened.
I was just flipping
the channels...

and... he came on.

Forget about me.
I wanna know about you.
I wanna know about Carson Daly.

Every time I see you,
you got a beautiful woman
on your arm.

You got a talk show,
you got your
own record company.

What's your secret?
Well, if you must know,
uh, I'm Satan.

[ Laughs ]
I don't know.

Seriously, I, uh--
I've been very blessed.

I also believe that
what goes around comes around.

And that's how I try
and live my life.

You do good things
and good things happen to you.

You do bad things,
and it'll come back
to haunt you. It's karma.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Karma. There it was.

The secret of life coming
straight from Carson Daly's lips
to my morphine-laced ears.

When they finally
released me from the hospital,
we checked into a motel.

It didn't take Randy long to
make friends with the help.
It never does.

How long is your break,
Catalina?

The manager went
to the dog track.

I'm on my own schedule
for the afternoon.

Do good things and
good things happen to you.

Do bad things and it'll
come back to haunt you.

That's deep, Earl.

- I'm talkin' about karma.
- Who's Karma?

I don't know.
Something Carson Daly
came up with.

He says he does good things
in life and that's why
his life is so great.

Got me thinkin'.
My life sucks,

and I ain't ever done
anything good I can think of.

Who is this Carson Daly?
Is he some sort of
spiritual leader?

A holy man?

If I want a better life,
I need to be a better person.

- What's this?
- I made a list of everything
bad I've ever done.

Why?
Why?

Randy, I just won $100,000
in the lottery, and was
immediately hit by a car.

I almost died because
somethin' good happened to me
that I didn't deserve.

That karma stuff is gonna
kill me unless I make up
for everything on that list.

"Number 23--
peed in the back of a cop car."

I'm no longer
proud of that.

"Number 41-- snatched
a kid's Halloween candy...

when he came to my trailer
to trick or treat."

That was wrong,
and I know that now.

"Number 102-- harmed
and possibly killed...

innocent people
with secondhand smoke."

How in the world
are you gonna fix
these things, Earl?

I don't know.
Start with the easy ones.

Like, um, number 64--

"Picked on Kenny James."

I used to torment the hell out
of that poor boy back
in elementary school.

What do you think you're
gonna do about it now?
I don't know. Find him.

- Do something nice for him, and
then cross him off the list.
- Excuse me.

But if my boss comes back
and sees there's no garbage
in the parking lot,

he's gonna get used to it
like that.

- So could you please
put it back?
- No, I can't.

Number 136--
I've been a litterbug.

Well, here.
Cross that one off
your stupid list.

I can't cross it off the list.
Not until I've picked up
as much as I littered.

And my list isn't stupid either.
It's my road map
to a better life.

Well, I hope that road has
free gas and free food...

and a van big enough
for us to sleep in,

'cause we've just spent
our last $45 on this room.

And I'm not cuttin'
into my beer money
for some stupid-ass crusade.

Son of a bitch.
It's workin'.

[ Earl Narrating ] When I went
over to the lottery office,
they sure made a big fuss.

I wanted to get started on my
list as soon as possible, so my
life would start gettin' better.

Hell, it was already better.

Our new friend Catalina had
the day off and nothin' to do,

so Randy and I had
somethin' pretty to look at.

Plus, I finally had enough money
to buy somethin' I've always
wanted for my car.

- [ Car Alarm Beeps ]
- Which house belongs
to this boy you tortured?

That's his parents' house
right over there.

We don't know
where Kenny lives now,
but Randy'll find out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's four.

- I'm still thirsty.
- Look, you had four.

You can have another one
when you come out.
Go on now.

- So, why aren't you going in?
- I get nervous when I lie.

Randy's a pro, so long
as he's got the right number
of beers in him.

Four seems to be
the magic number.

Anymore and he starts to get
a little bit... unpredictable.

So, are you visiting all of
Kenny's classmates' parents?

Only the ones
we've lost contact with.

You see, as class president,
it's my duty to organize
the reunion,

and I'd hate for anyone
to miss out on all the fun.

You know, what with
all that catching up and them
little appetizers and all.

Oh, isn't that sweet?
Can I get you
a beer, son?

I would love a beer.
Thank you.

[ Sirens Approaching ]

In case you're wondering how
many beers it takes for Randy
to get himself into trouble,

nine seems to be
the magic number.

Luckily, he got Kenny's address
before he pissed off
Mr. James.

I think I have Kenny's yearbook
in here somewhere.

Dibs.

At first we had a little
trouble finding Kenny's house.

You see, Randy wrote the address
on his hand, and sweated off the
last digit during his getaway.

But eventually we found it.

There he is.
Kenny James.

Man, I got a weird feelin'
in my stomach.

It's probably just guilt.

[ Earl Narrating ] She was
probably right. I wasn't proud
of the way I treated Kenny.

- [ Children Shouting ]
- Hey, Kenny!

I bet you strike out
again, you dork!

That's enough, Earl!

Just ignore him, Kenny,
and try your best.

[ Children Shouting ]

[ Groans, Whimpers ]

You're out!

I watched Kenny
for a few days...

and tried to figure out
how to make up for all
the abuse I put him through.

Kenny had a good job
as an assistant manager
at the Copy Hut,

a powder blue Le Car
he took pride in...

and the nicest house
on the block.

But he didn't have anyone
to share it with.
He was lonely.

There was something special
missin' in his life that
every man needs to feel whole.

I gotta get him laid.

- What?
- Kenny. I made him feel bad
his whole childhood.

If I wanna cross him
off my list, I gotta
make him feel good.

A little pleasure to make up
for all that pain.

What kind of woman are
you gonna get to have sex with
a scrawny little man like that?

Yeah. You need muscles
to get laid.

Not with Patty you don't.

Patty wasn't your
run-of-the-mill prostitute.

She was a daytime hooker.

It takes a special kind of woman
to sell sexual favors
in the light of day.

[ Knocking ]

Hello.
Hey, sweetie.
I'm from Greenpeace.

I need to talk to you
about the sky and whales
and all that crap.

You got anything
to drink in here?

I knew we wouldn't have
to wait too long

before Patty came back out.

She doesn't charge that much.

So, she makes
her money in turnover.

- How'd it go?
- He gave me $10
to help baby monkeys.

How was the sex?
You got anything in the tank
left over for me?

We didn't do it.

Damn it, Patty.
I'm on a schedule here.
Come on, Randy.

I tried, Earl. I did.
Towards the end I even
pulled out my good boob.

You think he's
gonna remember you?

- [ Whimpers ]
- Yeah, I think he remembers me.

[ Beeping ]

- Kenny, calm down.
- I have a restraining order
against you, Earl Hickey.

But that was written
on a brown paper bag by
the school nurse 20 years ago.

Yeah, well, just take
what you want and leave.

All I wanna do is talk.

Listen, Kenny.
I'm here to help you.

I don't need your help.

Buddy, you just gave up
a chance to have free sex
with a daytime hooker.

- You need my help.
- Earl?

- Not now, Randy.
- Shut that drawer!

Kenny, I'm here
to help you find a woman
so that you can be happy.

Earl, I think you're tryin'
to sell a cat to a man
who fancies dogs.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I know this might sound crazy
in this day and age,

but we live in a small town,
and I've never been
face-to-face with a gay before.

I understand now the runnin'
probably wasn't necessary.

That's it.
Kenny's off the list.
Good.

Isn't that against the rules?
Look, I made the list.
That means I make the rules.

The guy was gay. Gay.
That's special circumstances.

I don't have to help if
there's special circumstances.

Here. Get us
a couple of cheeseburgers
from the machine.

Okay. So, what's next?

Number 86-- stole a car
from a one-legged girl.

What happened here?

Ow! Damn, girl!
Have you lost your mind?

- Who's the whore?
- What did you just call me?

- She's the maid. Relax.
- Did you think
I wasn't gonna find out?

Damn. Look at that.
My eyes are closed.

I want half
that lotto money, Earl.

I wanted a legitimate baby
and a wife who didn't
huff paint on Thanksgivin',

but I guess life's full
of little disappointments,
now ain't it?

They only had one
Mello Yello left.
You wanna wrestle for it?

[ Groans ]

That's it!
Gimme the damn phone!

I'm gonna get that money, Earl!
I want it.

[ Catalina ]
That's your ex-wife?
Yep.

As crazy as she is,
I'd be lyin' if I said
I wasn't gonna miss her.

[ Grunts ]
[ Alarm Beeping ]

[ Alarm Beeps, Stops ]

- Hey, Earl.
- Hey, Crab Man.

What happened?

Karma.
Karma happened.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And I believed it too.
Think about it.

As soon as I decided
not to help Kenny,

Joy broke into my room
and beat me up with a phone.

That's when I realized
I have to stick to the plan.

There are
no special circumstances.

I may have made the list,
but I do not make the rules.

Karma makes the rules.

The one-legged girl
would have to wait.
Kenny had to be first.

Stay away. I bought Mace.
I just want to talk,
Kenny. Relax.

[ Screaming ]
Ow!

Kenny?

Hey, Kenny.
How's it feelin' now?

Better, yeah.
Thanks for pinning me
down on the ground,

prying my eyes open
and pouring the milk in.

- I think that helped a lot.
- You steal enough purses, you
learn a few things about Mace.

Mm-hmm.

Why--
[ Clears Throat ]

God, wow. That's--
[ Chuckles ]

Why don't you have
a man, Kenny?

What?

If you like... men,

why don't you, uh,
have a man?

That's none
of your business.

No, it's not.
I know that.

Trust me, I don't
really wanna know.
It's just you seem lonely.

And I gotta figure out how
I'm gonna help you so I can
cross you off my list.

What list?

You're number 64.
But don't let that fool you.

I'm doin' you first.

You see, Kenny,
my life sucks.

And it's because
I've been a bad person.

I'm hopin' if I can
do some good things,

then maybe some good things
might finally happen to me.

You're talking about karma.

You're a Carson Daly
fan too, huh?

Yeah, I'm talkin'
about karma.

You're really trying
to change?

If I don't, I think
life's gonna kill me.

I don't have a man because...
nobody knows I'm gay.

You know what this town
is like, Earl.

Besides, even if people knew,
where am I gonna meet anyone?

What about the city?
Don't they have special bars
for the queers?

I'm sorry.
Uh, Homosexual-Americans.

I tried that once.

I drove an hour and a half
just to sit out front
in my car, too scared to go in.

[ Clears Throat ]

What if I went with you?
[ Grunts ]

- What?
- Maybe you won't be scared
if you're not alone.

Earl Hickey is going
to take me to a gay bar?

I don't have
a choice, Kenny.

[ Men Chattering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't wanna be
the only non-gay there,

so luckily, Randy agreed
to go as soon as he heard
there were gonna be bubbles.

You like that one?

Uh, I don't--
I don't know.
He's cute, I guess.

All right.
I'll go talk to him.

You wanna be the man
or the woman?

Wait. You're just gonna
go over there and talk to him?

Yeah. He's gay,
but he ain't gonna bite me.
He ain't gonna bite me, is he?

Look, maybe I should
do this myself.
I can't let you do that.

I gotta be the one
to help you if I wanna
cross you off my list.

Wait, wait, wait.
You have helped me.

Look, my whole life
I've been scared to be
who I really am...

because of what people
might think.

But then Earl Hickey
brought me to a gay bar.

Earl Hickey
went to Express for Men
and bought me a shirt.

Earl Hickey, the one man
I was the most scared of
in my whole life,

has accepted me as I am.

Look, when we were kids,
you took away my confidence.

But today you gave it back.
Thanks, Earl.

You can cross me off
your list.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And there you have it.

Never underestimate
the power of confidence.

It's midnight, boys.
And that means it's time
to take it old school.

Oh, no, you didn't.
Tell me you didn't
just go old school!

[ Earl Narrating ]
And never underestimate
15 beers,

a little enlightenment...

and the power of
Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock.

Well, one down,
258 to go.