Original subtitles

[SIREN WAILING]

CLEO: [CHUCKLING] You've got a naughty streak in you.

TRAVERS: Different strokes for different folks, huh?

CLEO: I'd just like to know what to expect.

Why didn't we save it for tomorrow night?

TRAVERS: I don't want to wait.

CLEO: Hey, cut it out. No. Ow!

[LAUGHS]

-You like that, huh? -Yeah.

-Really turns you on. -[LAUGHS GOOFILY] Yeah.

The truth is, I like it, too.

Yeah? I figured. Come on.

-Let me do it. -What?

-Please. -All right.

Enjoy.

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

[SHOWER RUNNING]

Yeah, he won't be using that thing for a while.

[TRAVERS CONTINUES GROANING]

TRAVERS: Get me something to put on it!

Try barbecue sauce.

Why, you...

Stay back.

[GUN FIRING]

You see, you creep, I mean it.

-Get on that thing. -Huh?

I said get on it.

Start pumpin'.

And keep pumpin' till you get to Pittsburgh.

There's no place you can run that I won't find you.

While I'm running, you just keep pedaling.

You just buried yourself!

Faster.

Faster!

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Cleo?

CLEO: In here.

You and the old man planning another trip?

You know him.

We're gonna go to Vegas for a couple of days.

Beautiful.

Did I ever put you on to a great guy.

I told you, he's the best.

You're not doing so bad.

Clothes, furs, everything.

But how come I don't see nothin'?

Not that I'm asking.

Did you really think I'd forgotten you?

Hey! Baby, beautiful.

I didn't have time to get it wrapped.

No problem. Thanks!

Thank you.

You punk bastard.

This is Mr. Travers' watch.

That crazy broad, why'd she give it to me?

Listen, weasel, don't act like you don't know.

-What are you talking about? -Your payoff.

What else she give you? Where is she?

I swear... I swear on my mother.

Travers is our boss, you creep!

Understand? Our boss!

-[GRUNTING] -GANZ: Again.

One more, one more. All right. That's enough.

You know what you've done to us? Huh?

We can't come back until we find her.

That sick broad is your friend, so you'd better help us.

Now, where the hell is she? Huh?

[BUZZ YELLING]

[STARTS ENGINE]

[PINGING]

Crap, you can't even touch this thing and it tilts.

If it didn't tilt, I'd be out of business.

I noticed.

Where's the people?

They opened that joint on the other side of the highway.

So what's so special over there?

Better food, they tell me.

-What's your name? -Archie.

Listen, Archie, not everyone goes to restaurants for food.

If you could find a girl and let her show a little,

you'd get some customers in here.

If a girl around here has anything to show, she leaves town.

I got no place to go.

-One BLT on toast. -ARCHIE: Coming right up.

Hey, honey, what do you say we step out.

I got a $5 bill just burin' a hole in my pocket.

Say, you sure are cute.

You're not.

Hey, look at the shrimps.

-WOMAN: Oh, must be a circus in town. -Yeah.

Fill this up, please? Cream and sugar.

After work, let's go out and play a little, baby.

How'd you like to have a good time?

How'd you like to have...

Let's go out and have a little fun playing.

How about playing with yourself?

[BOTH ARGUING]

[GROANING]

Hey, come on, that's enough!

Come on, get out of here!

Come on, out you go!

[BOTH YELLING]

-Thanks. -Forget it.

We get jerks like that in our audience all the time.

Audience?

Sure, we're in show business.

We're part of an act.

In fact, we're playing here in town, tonight only.

Hey, why don't you come and see our show?

Uh, I think we're sold out.

Yeah, but we got pull.

We'll squeeze her in.

Hey, how much do we owe you?

Dollar.

All right. All right, here's a buck for you and two bits for yourself.

And a quarter from me.

Thanks.

WOMAN: Come on, put sonny on your shoulders, he can't see.

MAN 1: Oh, I wish they'd get started.

MAN 2: Why, that cigar is bigger than he is.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on. Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen,

absolutely free of charge, that international famous attraction,

the world-renowned Slick Bender and his Little Cigars.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[FIRING]

[ALL APPLAUDING]

It's great to have you here tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

And we want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts

for letting me and the Little Cigars appear here in the big time.

Because you know what they say in show business?

"You ain't nothin' until you've played Coshocton, Ohio."

[LAUGHS]

[CROWD MURMURING]

As you probably know, this will be our farewell performance.

Because I hear that you people are gettin' radio.

Now, that's a knee slapper.

Now, I promise you,

if you will fill the Little Cigars' derbies, we will perform for you a feat

that was a favorite of Queen Elizabeth of England.

You've all heard of Queen Elizabeth, haven't you?

Well, you've heard of England?

Sure you don't want any change, sport?

SLICK: Yes, sir. I want to tell you,

that's Cadillac and Monty collecting the money.

They've been pals for years.

Went to different schools together.

Been with the show since it started.

There's nothing they wouldn't do for each other.

And that's how they go through life, doing nothing for each other.

And that's another knee slapper, folks.

Yes, sir, I want to tell you...

Well, hope you didn't pay to get in?

Come backstage after the show, I'll buy you a drink.

There's two bits for you and a quarter from me.

All right, you guys, back up on stage.

Dust and more dust.

Now, you didn't keep your promise.

You didn't fill a single hat.

But to show you the type of guy I am,

we're still going to do the Queen's favorite trick for you anyway.

And while we're doing it, keep your eye on the screen.

Maestro, music if you please.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

SLICK: And now, we take you to the emergency room

of the Coshocton Hospital

to view an operation live and on the spot.

Don't touch me, Nurse, I'm sterile.

Where's the patient?

FRANKIE: Where's the patient? Right in front of you, Doctor.

SLICK: Yuck. Is he in bad shape.

[SOFTLY] Okay, you guys, get goin'.

Give me the ether. Thank you very much.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Okay, the patient's knocked out. Scalpel.

This is a scalpel?

Sutures. Am I in a hospital or a tool shed?

♪ When they cut down the old pine tree ♪

Sponge. No sponge?

Then give me that mop.

Ah-ha! His liver.

FRANKIE: That's not his liver. That's a sausage.

SLICK: That's what I said, that's his liver sausage.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-Let's give him back his air. -[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Don't take too much of this.

I'll need some for my tires later.

SLICK: [SOFTLY] Where are those lousy midgets?

FRANKIE: Ready for suturing, Doctor?

SLICK: Okay, just give me the death certificate.

I'll wash my hands, get my pay,

and get the hell out of here.

FRANKIE: Wait a minute. I'm still alive.

SLICK: That's what you think. None of my patients ever make it.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen, we want to thank you for your generosity.

Be looking for us on national primetime television,

when you're standing out in front of your local appliance store.

Good night, everybody.

-Good night. -Good night.

-Pull that curtain. -MAN: Shitty show.

[TRUCK STALLING]

CADILLAC: Man, Frankie, you're a lousy mechanic.

FRANKIE: That lousy truck doesn't need a mechanic,

it needs a magician.

[TRUCK CONTINUES STALLING]

Frankie, do something about this, will you?

Give me a match and I'll burn it.

MONTY: I guess it's okay to take a snort,

we're not going any place tonight.

FRANKIE: You can say that again.

Ixnay.

Drunks.

What's the matter? Trouble again?

We gotta find some parts tomorrow.

This heap has had it.

If you bums hustled better

and kept your minds where they belong,

we could afford a new rig.

What's the matter, Slick, having your period?

You know what I'm talking about.

I watched you going nuts over Miss Tits and Ass in the crowd.

CADILLAC: So?

SLICK: That was the end of the act, we could have stopped right there.

I thought we did good.

Good? Look at the take, jerks.

And you, get your ass in that engine, digit midget!

Damn loud mouth.

One of these days.

Hey, look who's here.

Hey, baby.

You should have come sooner,

we're getting ready to split.

Little man, you've got something that belongs to me.

Say, that's right.

We promised you a drink, huh?

Here you are.

Forget it.

I'll have a belt.

Hey, I'm being rude.

Let me introduce you to everybody.

You met Cadillac.

He drives this heap when it's moving.

That's Frankie.

He fixes this heap, and that's why it ain't moving.

You think you can do better?

That's Hugo.

He's our mule. He can lift anything.

[WHISPERING] Don't let him get close, he'll grab your ass.

That's Monty.

If anybody'll grab your ass, it'll be him, not Hugo.

Drink up. Let's have an orgy.

Yeah, we can all fit in the same bed.

[BOTTLES CLANKING]

You bums!

You guys really want to bust my back tonight.

And, you, you got nothing better to do

than get drunk with a bunch of squirts?

Who the hell are you, anyway?

I'm Miss Tits and Ass.

I've seen better.

You know, every now and then, a chick like you comes around here

and thinks she's Snow White

and wants to fool around with the little people.

Don't flatter yourself, Grumpy.

Don't you guys have something to do?

Get out of here!

Listen, lady,

when you start fooling around with the little people,

remember one thing, they're not fooling.

It's always the little people that get hurt.

You've had yourself a few kicks, now blow.

Wrong.

Wrong?

Big guys don't do it for me.

When I was watching your show, I started thinking about

what you little guys have between your legs.

But I guess it's just not my lucky night.

So, just give me my gun and I'll take off.

What gun?

You know, that cute little pearl-handled number.

The kind ladies use.

Ladies? There's no ladies around here.

Listen, you little bastard.

You only said one thing right tonight.

"Little guys get hurt."

And you're gonna get hurt if I don't get my gun back.

You're starting to tee me off! Now, take a walk!

Look, you piss pot!

I'm not blind, you know.

While you're doing your little number behind that dirty sheet,

that one and that one's doing their number with the parked cars.

Now, I could have blown the whistle on them then, but I didn't.

So you give me my gun back

or I'm going to call the cops.

You wouldn't do that.

Oh, yes, I would.

Give me my gun.

I've got an even better idea.

I'll go to the cops with the gun.

I think we ought to have them run a make.

I'm sure you registered it.

I'm sure you didn't steal it or nothing like that.

Still want to go to the cops?

You sure got a way with women.

You better believe it.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]

Well, well, well, if it isn't Mighty Mouse.

Hey, there's nothing but hillbilly junk on this machine.

Too bad we don't have March of the Toy Soldiersfor you.

Very funny.

You got any more like that.

Yeah.

Like, I'd like to have a pair of your shoes bronzed,

to hang on my rear view mirror.

What do you want?

I've got a proposition for you.

Sit down.

What do you want to do? Sell me back my gun?

Look, I like you. Will you sit down a minute?

Will you, please?

All right, make it fast. This is our busiest time.

What's your name?

Cleo.

I like it.

Your hair looks good. I like that.

I'm surprised you can see that high.

This is gonna shock you, but all my broads are tall. Real tall.

What do you do? Use a ladder?

Don't need one. They're never standing up.

I'm busy.

How would you like to work for me in the act?

What act?

I'll pay you good, 100 a week.

I'm not working for no dwarfs.

Don't ever call a midget a dwarf.

What's the difference?

A broken arm.

Let go. I gotta go to work.

Well, if you change your mind, we're leaving in the morning.

Forget it.

What's this for?

You're a waitress, aren't you?

Little shit.

Hello, Cleo.

Burn anybody lately?

[CLATTERING]

[SCREAMING]

-[GROANING] -MAN: Oh, my God.

Hit the floor, everybody.

[GROANING]

MAN: That guy's shot. WOMAN: Archie, call the cops.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

MAN: Watch out! Crazy driver. She's out of her head.

SLICK: All right, you guys, come on.

Let's get started. We're running late.

Come on, come on.

Hugo, get on that curtain.

Frankie, you take care of that music.

Come on, let's go.

Places, everybody!

Curtain, Hugo.

Music, Frankie.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Step up. Step up.

An ordinary candy bar.

Tastes like a candy bar.

But this is the candy bar that will change your whole life.

Because in this candy bar are the ingredients

the whole world is talking about.

Vitamin E.

Except, ladies and gentlemen,

in this bar is vitamin E plus...

AUDIENCE: [SARCASTICALLY] Oh, yeah.

You say, "Plus what?"

Vitamin O and that's where we get E-O!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Contained in this bar is what the natives of South America eat

before going into their world-renowned fertility rites.

And there's nothing I say that I can't prove.

Since I've been eating two or three E-O bars a day,

I've found me a soul mate.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING UNCONVINCINGLY]

You don't believe me.

Miss Nova Scotia, will you please come out here?

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

[ALL CHEERING]

See how she looks at me, folks?

She's got to have me.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

She can't even stand still.

Take it easy, Miss Nova Scotia. We'll be alone soon.

Property master, my prop.

I don't know what you guys use for a pillow

when you go to sleep at night,

but I find these to be the greatest.

If you sleep on your left side, it's nice.

Either side.

But if you want to get a good night's rest

and you don't mind sleeping with your face down...

[MEN WHOOPING]

MAN: Hell, that's better than a water bed.

And where do you find pillows like that?

E-O Bars.

Siesta time, folks.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Put me down!

What are you doing? Come on, hey!

[SHOUTING] What the hell do you think you're doing?

Put me down!

When we rehearsed this act,

where did you see anything about you picking me up

and carrying me off stage?

I thought it was cute.

Cute?

You heard 'em laugh. They loved me.

You? Don't you ever do it again or...

I'd like my own dressing room, please.

What?

I'm a star.

MAN 1: That stuff sure didn't make him grow any.

Thank you very much, sir.

MAN 2: I'm gonna feed it to my bulls.

Step right up, folks, and get your E-O Bars.

Only $1 apiece.

Here they are, folks. Everybody needs one.

Come on, folks, only $1 apiece.

All right, lift it up and let it down easy.

That's coming, that's great.

Hey, Cleo, you don't have to do this,

you're headlining the show.

Show? This act is nothing but carny crap.

Frankie, don't start talking about acts.

Oh, clam up, maybe Cleo'd like to hear about Frankie's old act.

How do you know what Cleo would like to hear?

You don't know nothing about women.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, Cleo, you want to hear a great story?

Cadillac and his wife...

Cool it, Monty, cool it.

Tell her about your gorgeous strip-tease wife.

Monty, knock it off.

MONTY: It's funny.

They're married two weeks, you hear me, just two weeks.

She runs off with another guy.

But that ain't the punch line.

The guy she runs away with is another midget.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-Why, you dirty little son of a... -Hey, fellows, cut it out.

CADILLAC: You louse! You numskull!

SLICK: Hugo.

CADILLAC: I told you to forget that story.

SLICK: All right, cut it out now!

[GRUNTING]

And, you, stay away from these guys. Far away.

She didn't do nothing.

Yeah, that's right.

I know you guys, and when you hassle,

it's always over some dumb broad.

I think you're jealous.

Jealous. Me?

[LAUGHS]

Don't worry, Big Slick, I'm saving myself for you.

CADILLAC: Mmm-hmm-hmm.

Shut up. Get back in there and wrap your E-Os.

Come on, Hugo.

Let it down.

Hey, nice country.

-Want a drink? -Yeah, sure.

It's orange.

Sure nice country around here, eh, Monty?

Yeah.

Hey, Monty, you know my father was born around here.

MONTY: Hey, Cadillac, you know Frankie had a father?

FRANKIE: Hey, no cracks about my folks.

-Hey, buddy. -Yeah?

We heard there's a carny show playing somewhere around this county?

Do you know where?

Well, I didn't see it, but my partner did

a couple of nights ago over in Lawton.

Hell of a show, he said.

Where's Lawton?

Back on the main highway, turn right, go 50 miles.

Wash your windshield...

[TIRES SCREECHING]

CLEO: Mmm.

That feels good.

You've got nice skin, Cleo.

Mmm.

You're very good at this, Hugo.

That's because he used to milk cows on his folks' farm.

[CHUCKLES]

I bet he was the best milker they had.

That's for sure.

[MOANING]

I think we'd better quit now,

otherwise Slick will lose his little temper.

You owe me something for giving you that massage, don't you?

Like what?

A good look at everything.

Why, you little degenerate.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

All right, you perverts, get out!

Out!

Is that the name of the game today? Teasing midgets?

Don't be so dramatic.

Come on, Cleo.

Cut it out.

I said cut it out.

Listen, creep. I can't take any more of this.

SLICK: What's this?

Your big mouth and this two-bit lifestyle.

I've had it. I want to live again.

I want fancy hotels, good clothes.

It'll just never happen with you.

Come on, I'll give you a raise.

Some billing in the act.

Act? You keep calling this an act.

All we're doing is stealing.

It's a good, honest living.

I guess being small means thinking small.

Hell, you can't even steal big.

I'm not through with you!

Oh, yes, you are.

Where in the hell do you think you're going?

To find me a big man.

Frankie, I'll give you a dollar if you finish scrubbing for me.

Shove it. It's your turn this week,

and you should do it without bitching.

I hate this crap!

Oh, he's afraid he's gonna get dishpan hands.

FRANKIE: Yeah, so what.

Well, good morning, Slick.

You're up kind of late, aren't you?

Are you worried about something?

Like what?

Miss Nova Scotia, maybe?

Ah, shut up!

Oh, lover boy!

He thought she was coming back last night.

Yeah, I caught him icing up champagne.

[LAUGHING]

Where does he think he's going?

Looking for Cleo.

First, he'll look in all the drug stores.

Then the YWCA.

And then the bus station.

Don't forget the movie house.

Yeah, and the motels.

CADILLAC: Yeah, and if he doesn't find her then,

in his big head, he'll think she's back here waiting for him.

So, he'll stop and pick up another bottle of champagne...

Hey, you know something? I think Slick has met his match.

♪ Bye, bye, Cleo

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, you guys are always talking about a man when his back is turned.

Oh, shut up, squirt.

[MIDGETS LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah?

Why, you dirty rat, what are you trying to do?

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Watch it, Hugo.

Over the shoulder.

Oh, you couldn't hit me.

-Oh! -Why, you...

Hey, look at the midget.

How's the weather down there, shorty?

Okay, drink up! Let's get out of here!

I'm drinking, but I'm not going.

I said come on!

I told you before, I'm on my own again.

I'm not leaving you here with this glass wiper.

Get going! Hit the road.

[MEN CLAMORING]

MAN 1: Winner buys the drinks.

MAN 2: I bet the broad can take both of them.

Whoa!

-[GRUNTS] -[GROANS]

MAN 3: Why, look at the pip-squeak.

MAN 4: Atta boy, shorty.

MAN 5: Watch out, man.

Hey, pick on someone your own size.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Hold it.

SLICK: Okay, any of you mugs want the same?

I'll show you a look at the midget.

-Come on. -First things first, baby.

Keep me covered.

[REGISTER DINGS]

Now, Cleo, who's the big man?

Come on.

[LAUGHS]

What are you staring at?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I told you those E-O Bars would work.

Baby, from now on, whatever you want, you got.

Aw, that's pocket money.

What we want is going to take a lot more.

This is not bad.

For starters.

Look, we've got a chance to score big.

I'm listening.

You've been pushed around all your life because of your size, right?

So, let's make it work for you.

Keep talking.

You can pull jobs nobody else can.

If you can't open the door, you can go under it.

Or over it.

Hell, we can go through the keyhole.

Baby, you know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

But aren't we forgetting something?

Like what?

What about the other guys?

Don't worry about them.

They can't zip their flies without me.

[LAUGHING]

What do you mean, "You're not sure"?

I don't move fast.

You're talking about real capers now.

I'll let you know in a couple of days.

When you knocked up that chick in Niagara Falls

and her brothers showed up to split your head,

I didn't say I'll let you know in a couple of days.

I want your answer right now.

Well, I got a right to know how we're gonna cut it up.

Even all the way.

I told you, we quit at 100.

-Dollars? -Thousand, dummy.

Cadillac, we're on, right?

I'll go if Frankie goes,

but I don't think Frankie wants to go.

Frankie, you don't want to go?

It ain't that I don't want to go,

but I'm no use to you in something like this.

Didn't I always tell you that this guy never thinks right?

Frankie, you're the heart of the whole operation.

You know all about explosives.

You know guns.

There ain't a lock that you can't pick.

And you keep the wheels rolling.

I can replace any of these bums, but not you.

All right, you guys, are you in or out?

Great.

How about you, Cleo? Are you going?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

[HONKS]

We're closing, lady.

Yeah, I know, but there's something wrong with my transmission.

I got it, Jim.

Your transmission looks all right to me.

It might look all right,

but my clutch is really slipping and I've gotta get it fixed.

Well, I'd like to help you,

but you know, like... Like the man says...

You're closing.

Look, all I want to do is leave it,

and you can take all morning to fix it.

Why? Do you sleep late?

Yeah.

One of my faults is hating to get out of bed.

Well, you're gonna need a ride home.

I've got someone waiting for me outside,

but you gonna be here tomorrow when I pick it up?

Haven't missed a day yet.

Good. We'll see you then.

That's some chassis.

I counted the cash.

All you have to do is check it and lock up.

I'll see you in the morning.

Okay, I'll take care of it.

Don't bother counting it. We trust you.

How did you get in here?

-Does it matter? -Well, I guess not.

Get the money.

-Hurry up. Let's go. -Let's go.

Okay, tie him up.

Come on, come on.

What are you doing? Hurry up.

I need these parts for the truck.

CADILLAC: Come on, get that door open.

Okay, guys, come on, make it snappy.

Roll that faster. Come on.

[ALL CLAMORING]

SLICK: Hurry up, come on.

Pick it up.

Come on, get over this way. Come on.

-Okay. Come on. -Where'd you get all that stuff?

Okay, put that seat down.

Come on, get it in there.

Put the tire in. Okay, come on.

Ow! Take it easy.

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Easy now, lift it up.

All right, take it easy.

Up, up. Come on. All right, get in there.

Get in! Get in!

-Come on. -Where's Frankie?

Come on, come on.

Push him in! Get in here.

[ALL CLAMORING]

Ooh! Ooh!

What time's the next show start?

[GASPS]

-The safe. -Everything you got.

WOMAN: All right, don't shoot.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Ah, fresh air.

Never mind the jokes, we gotta get going. Hurry up.

SLICK: Let's hang in close. Like Cleo said,

straight ahead, right through that door.

Come on, hurry up.

This is a stick-up. Open the safe.

Don't shoot.

Move it.

Come on. Sit down.

CADILLAC: We're in the laundry business, too.

We clean out safes.

No jokes. Hurry up.

[ALARM RINGING]

MONTY: Hurry, let's get out of here.

CLEO: Come on, get in there.

Move it, Frankie.

Hurry up, Cleo.

For you, baby.

SLICK: Hello from Humboldt, Iowa.

CLEO: Goodbye, Humboldt, Iowa.

Keep your eyes on the road.

I'll read the signs.

Monica, do you think you could help me make this look right?

Sure.

Hiya, girls.

[GIRLS EXCLAIMING]

I haven't seen you for so long!

Hey, I missed you little monkeys down here.

Just what took you so long getting up here?

-Hey, Helen, he's cute. -Yeah.

We couldn't believe it

when we saw your name on the marquee, could we, fellows?

Hell, I almost wrecked the camper.

Hey, what are you guys doing in these parts, anyway, huh?

-Sightseeing. -Oh.

Helen, you look beautiful, girl!

Actually, you guys look like you're in the money.

Yeah. We're doing okay, dear.

Oh, yeah?

How about you, sweetheart? How's your sex life?

I don't fool around unless I'm in love.

-Oh. -Yeah, and he ain't been in love in 20 years.

Come on, baby, let's fall in love.

Hey, kid,

watch it, he's an ass grabber.

Uh-oh, that's all right with me, baby.

-SLICK: Just a minute. -Are you what? What? What.

Come on, I want you to meet somebody.

Helen, say hello to Cleo. She's part of the act.

What are you doing with these bums?

You'd make a hell of a stripper.

I don't like to tease.

Uh...excuse me.

[GIRLS EXCLAIMING]

Hey, listen you guys after the show,

we're all going to go out and have a good time

like we used to have, okay?

Little dancing... A little fun...

And maybe even do a little gambling, huh?

Oh, is there gambling?

Yes, there is. Down the road at Rudy's Alibi Room.

Is the game big?

Yes, it's a very big game. It's also very private.

I'll get you in.

-Good. -Well, I don't think so.

I think you can count me out.

Terrific. We'll drop you off anyplace.

I don't think you understand.

When you drop me off, you drop him off.

Well, I would think that's up to Slick.

CLEO: It sure is.

Well? You gonna let this broad push you around, hmm?

[HELEN CLICKING TONGUE]

HELEN: Temper, temper, temper. [LAUGHING]

It's been nice seeing you, Helen, but I think we'd better not.

Well, I don't believe that.

[WOMEN GROANING DISAPPOINTEDLY]

[DOOR CLOSING]

I think Slick finally got the hook in him.

Well, forget it, okay?

I'll tell you what. Tonight after the show,

we'll all go to my house and then we'll have a terrific party, okay?

Sounds great. We'll have an orgy.

Yay! How about that?

[ALL CHEERING]

Hell, when I was that high, they wouldn't even let me in no bar.

-What'll you have? -I'll have a beer.

Hi, boys.

Huh, you rub a midget's head, it's good luck.

Oh, yeah, rub your own head. Both of them.

[BUZZER SOUNDING]

Say, what does it take to get in there?

Suppose I said size?

Is this big enough?

[COUGHS]

Shorty, the beer.

Keep the change.

[BUZZER SOUNDING]

[MEN MURMURING]

All right, point is four. He's shootin' for a four.

[MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

All right, give him back the dice. Shooting for a four.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Looking for a four.

MAN 1: Yeah, well, I win it then. MAN 2: I won, I won...

I won! I won!

-Snake eyes. -[ALL GASPING]

Everybody loses.

Okay, people, nobody'll get hurt if you do like we tell you.

Get your money on the table. Get it on the table.

Hurry up, now. Move faster.

Frankie, get it all. Scoop it up. Scoop it up.

All right, grab that watch, Hugo.

Atta boy, Cadillac.

Your rings and your bracelets.

Do you know that you're a bad little boy?

Shut up or I'll blow your wig off.

Come on. Come on.

SLICK: That guy's got something in his mouth. Drop it, buddy.

I hate a welcher.

Okay, gang, let's get going.

Good evening, everybody.

Too bad gambling's illegal in this town.

You could have called the cops.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Seven hundred, eight hundred, nine hundred, a thousand.

That cleans you up, Cadillac.

Eight hundred, nine hundred, a thousand.

Here you are, Monty.

Frankie, a thousand dollars.

Three little piles, a thousand each.

Sounds like a lot of money.

But wait till you see what we got next week.

Monty and me, we're gonna pass on next week.

We got a deal, 20,000 apiece.

Then we quit.

How long do you think we're gonna hide from the fuzz?

Yeah, five midgets and a chick.

They're gonna get us.

I keep telling you guys, the cops ain't even in on it.

Somebody's gotta be looking for us.

We want out.

I've never seen it to fail.

You get mixed up with midgets,

there ain't no way you could do anything big.

Little bodies. Little heads.

And I suppose when you get your money,

you're going to open up a little hot dog stand,

with little stoves, little counters,

little toilets for your little asses.

Frankie and me, we're staying with you, Slick.

Ah, bullshit, you can all go as far as I'm concerned.

You're a midget, aren't you?

Sooner or later, you're gonna play a midget trick.

I think you better stop saying things

that you'll be sorry for later.

I'm never gonna be sorry.

Because when I wake up,

I don't want to see any of you guys around.

No more midgets!

Every time...

The sons of bitches.

What's the matter?

After all I've done for them, they're cutting out.

Who?

Cadillac and Monty. They're scared to death.

They're leaving in the morning.

Well, you're not going to let them go?

What do you want me to do? Kiss their asses?

If you have to.

No chance.

Let me alone. I'm going to bed.

What do you wanna do, wait for her to come out?

No, I think we'll go in and get her.

[SNORING]

SLICK: Cleo!

Well, what do you know.

Things must be tough, Cleo.

You sleeping with a dwarf.

He's a midget!

-So what's the difference? -A split lip.

[MOANING]

Stay put, buddy.

We got no beef with you.

-Come on. -[WAILING]

-Come on you, out. -SLICK: Cleo!

We're going someplace.

What is this?

What the hell, there's more of them.

For Christ's sake, what's this?

Jeez, how many of these guys are there?

Who are they?

They work for a hood I went out with.

A flame freak.

It doesn't matter what he is, it's what you did,

besides, he pays us.

What for?

We're gonna kill her.

Get out of here, you punk!

Get this on your back or I'll break it.

[GROANING]

Leave her alone!

Out of the way, you!

[GRUNTING]

FAUST: [MUMBLING] I'll kill you!

[CHOKING] Let go! Let go!

[GRUNTING] Get him off me!

We better put a lot of distance between us and this place.

And stick close together.

[DRIVER CALLING OUT]

[MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

It's an awful lot of broccoli.

What do you want from me, huh?

Okay, Slick.

Finally.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

All right, Monty, where is it? Come on.

I finally found a vegetable I don't like.

[SHUSHING] Keep going. Keep going. Go ahead. That way.

Come on, come on. Keep your eyes off these.

Remember, we're looking for money.

Come on, hurry up.

Keep going. Keep going.

I told you, none of that.

There it is.

-Get to work on that safe. -Yeah.

SLICK: Get rid of that popsicle.

What's taking them so long?

They'll be out in a minute.

Uh-oh. The fuzz.

-Where are you going? -CLEO: I gotta con them.

CADILLAC: You don't have time for that.

CLEO: If anything goes wrong, don't wait for me, take off.

FRANKIE: Okay, stay back. I'm ready.

HUGO: Are you sure you know what you're doing?

I'm an expert.

Anything wrong, miss?

Officer, you're not going to believe this,

but me and the fellow in the car there,

are married, but not to each other.

SLICK: Come on, come on. Hurry up.

You're making me nervous.

[LOW EXPLOSION]

This is the first time he's ever cheated on his wife.

We won't tell if you don't.

I really appreciate your kindness.

[TALKING CONTINUES]

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

Cover!

CLEO: Let go, you ox! OFFICER: Get in!

Stop! Don't shoot, they're kids.

CADILLAC: Hurry up, they got Cleo.

You look nice enough,

but getting a bunch of kids to break into a market,

that's really lousy.

Watch out for the kid!

-Don't move. -Out quick. Frankie.

The key.

Cleo.

Get his gun.

These kids sure grew up fast, didn't they?

On that robbery last night involving five juveniles and a girl,

change that to five midgets.

That's right, I said five midgets.

You know something, you're a dynamite dude.

You came back for me.

Ah, you'd have done the same for me.

Besides, I need you.

We still want that one job that's gonna make us well.

Is that the only reason why you came back for me?

Well?

We're a good fit, and that's hard to find.

Okay, fellows, step in here, if you will.

That's it. Yeah, come right in.

Just head right down the other end.

Step up on the platform.

Yeah, just keep it single file. Keep coming.

That's it. Come on in, fellows.

Yeah, step right up on the platform. That's good.

Yeah, there's room for all of you. You could all get up there.

Is that it? All right.

Yeah, just get right up there, if you will, that's good.

All right, fellows, now hold it, will you?

Will you turn around and face front.

Fine.

All right, would you step in please?

My name is Art Barnes and I'm an attorney.

And you haven't heard the last of this.

I'll represent every one of these guys and I'll sue the pants off you.

[ALL AGREEING]

You're so damn smart,

you don't know dwarfs from midgets.

That's right, Mr. Barnes.

These same guys made me an honorary sheriff not even two days ago.

[ALL MURMURING]

What is all this crap about?

Look, fellows, we understand.

Now this is just going to take a second, okay?

So will you calm down please?

Okay.

Well, do you recognize any of them?

[SIGHS]

All right, gentlemen, thank you very much.

I'm sorry we inconvenienced you, but you can take off now.

Come on, Garrett, I'll buy you a short beer.

Hey, Frankie. Hey, Hollywood, California.

Hey. Turn here. Turn here.

That's it. Thank you.

Cream and sugar?

Morning. I'll have a coffee.

Okay.

I'll take a ham sandwich.

This is the big one, guys.

After this, we all quit. We hang it up for good.

How dangerous is it?

It's dangerous.

Of course, it's dangerous, but it's worth it.

-[KNOCKING AT DOOR] -[SHUSHING] Quiet. Cover me.

Oh, it's all right, it's only Hugo.

You know, once we get the money,

I'm gonna change my whole style of living.

A brand new wardrobe, tailor-made.

No more of that boy's department crap.

How about you, Frankie, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna look around for the right woman.

[ALL LAUGHING]

-There ain't no such animal. -That's what you say.

HUGO: How about you, Cleo?

Slick and me, we're gonna head for San Francisco.

And we're gonna find us the biggest, fattest hotel

and from then on, baby, it's fun time.

Right, Slick? What are you gonna do, Hugo?

I'm gonna send my dough to the farm, pay off the mortgage.

Hope there'll be enough.

Enough. Are you kidding?

This take's gonna be a 150 grand.

Wow! Did you hear that?

Why don't you use your toes, too?

For the 10th time, that's 25,000 apiece.

Whoa. The whole crummy farm don't cost that much.

At least he came from a farm, instead of a shoe box.

Why you, little squirt, I'll...

[ALL CLAMORING]

Hold it! Hold it! I said hold it!

Cut it out! We've got work to do.

That's right. Now pay attention.

Get up there.

-Okay. -Right. Now where were we?

-Let's take it from the top, huh? -Right.

-Now, the armored... -Shut up!

All right. All right.

When the armored guards come back out of the place,

that's when we make our first move.

-Right? -ALL: Right.

It's about time.

Good morning.

[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Get over there.

This is a stick-up.

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.

Hugo, get that guy's gun.

I got it. Lay down.

-I said lay down. -[GROANING]

If there's any heroes in here today,

they're gonna be dead ones.

Now, boys.

Just put all the money back in the bags, lady.

[LADY GASPING]

SLICK: Like I said, nobody's gonna get hurt.

Now lie down flat on the floor. No false moves.

MAN: Those are toy pistols. Toy people, toy guns.

-Hey, they're not kidding. -I need a little help.

You got it.

Get out of the way. Get out of the way.

Don't anybody get any ideas about following us.

Cover me!

Easy folks. Don't get nervous.

Open the door.

Come on, guys, come on.

[ALARM RINGING]

Something's happened.

Hold it. Just sit tight.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Behind us.

-We gotta get out of here. -Hold it!

Hold it!

[SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY]

We can't save them now!

Come on, let's go!

Come on! Let's get out of here!

You want to help me with some of these bags, please?

-I'll put these in here, madam. -Fine.

Now, if you give me the keys, I'll help you unpack.

That won't be necessary.

Thank you, Miss Taggert.

Now, if you need anything, just pick up the phone

and dial 2-1 and ask for Gene.

Okay, Gene.

Oh, thank you very much.

[DOOR CLOSING]

Boy, am I glad to be out of that son of a bitch.

It's better than a broccoli crate.

You want a drink?

First things first. Where's the cash?

Cleo. The bread.

Hold the chair.

What is it?

I can't help thinking about them.

We better begin to think about us right now.

I'm going to get our passports.

The quicker we get out of the country the better.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

You don't have to tip-toe, you slut.

It's two o'clock in the morning.

The guy I'm doing business with keeps strange hours.

Can I help it?

-Where are the passports? -They'll be ready tomorrow.

-I gotta go back. -Bull.

You little weasel.

I don't believe it. You don't trust me.

I'm a midget, ain't I?

But where midgets are concerned, you got a bad habit.

You keep leaving them behind.

It's still eating you.

Yes.

You'd be happy if we were still there with them.

Yes, I think so!

Well, that's what you think, but that's not what I think.

Look, we all took our chances. They got caught.

I'm sorry, you're sorry, but it's done.

It could have happened to us.

Is it really two in the morning?

I've a weakness for king-sized beds.

What are we waiting for?

We're paying a hundred a day for this joint.

"Sweetheart, went for the damn passports again.

"Love, Cleo."

[DOG WHIMPERING]

-Have a nice day, Mrs. Blaine. -Thank you, Henry.

[DOG GROWLING]

Russo, come on now. Come on, dear.

Good morning, Waldo.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hiya, baby?

How did you make out?

Baby! Baby!

Jeez, you guys made it! Hey, you don't need that thing.

Come on, let me fix you a drink.

I can't believe my eyes. Wait 'til Cleo sees you.

You look great, Frankie.

Yeah.

He's got a bullet hole he'd like to show you.

Look, let's get one thing straight.

Cleo and me feel real bad about what happened.

You can't stop with your bullshit, can you?

What do you expect, he ain't dead, is he?

I'll take care of that.

Stop it, please! Please don't!

Hold it! I said hold it! I'll give him to you later.

Now, you double-crossing little bastard.

Where's the money?

We didn't want to leave you there.

You guys have got to believe me.

Hold it. We're wasting time.

Now, where's the cash?

It's... It's up there.

Get it!

It's all there. I'll show you.

Empty.

I can't believe it. She took it.

Bull. More bull. Why don't we tear his tongue out

so we don't have to listen to his crap anymore?

Where is the dough, you louse?

He's not talking.

Hugo.

Do your number.

Remember this?

[SLICK GRUNTING]

[CHOKING] She took the money.

Wait a minute. I said wait a minute!

This poor puss is telling the truth.

Well, she beat him for it.

What's the matter, Slick?

You stuck it up ours now she's stuck it up yours.

And she did it the hard way.

All right. Where is she?

She's not coming back. She's not coming back. She left me.

FRANKIE: So that rotten broad left you.

That beats everything. She left the old bum.

Can you blame her?

What chick wants to spend the rest of her life with a midget?

Slick can dig it.

He always says it's the little guy that always gets hurt.

But this little guy's been hurt enough.

[GROANING]

[KEYS CLANKING]

Open your mouth and I'll blow your brains out.

[DOOR OPENING]

[EXCLAIMING]

Well, look who's here.

She must have heard you crying.

How about that, you got away. Fantastic.

How about that, fellows? It's unanimous.

Everybody's glad to see us.

-I'm gonna kill you! -Take it easy.

She's your sweetheart.

Unless you want to look like him give us the loot.

Slick and me don't want anything that belongs to you.

Whatever we got away with you can have your share.

What's this share crap?

Did you hear that?

We're taking it all. Just like you did.

I'll give you five seconds.

That was smart, honey.

All right. Let's get out of here.

Wait a minute.

I think we owe the chick something for giving us the money.

Say, there's a king-sized bed in there.

That's not a bad idea but we don't have time.

Besides, she was lousy.

She was the lowest.

I mean if a chick can't satisfy a midget.

Come on, we got what we wanted.

Little man, if you get your guts back,

[DOOR OPENING]

you'll know what to do with this.

[DOOR CLOSING]

You all right?

You didn't believe it.

What they said about me them?

Why shouldn't I?

Because you know I'm not the lowest.

You were gonna leave without me.

I came back, didn't I?

Yeah. Why?

Because I'm your old lady and I dig your little ass.

Get your E-O candy bars! They look like ordinary candy bars!

This is the candy bar that can change your whole life!

In this bar, ladies and gentlemen,

we've got vitamin E plus.

You ask me, "Plus what?" Vitamin O.

And that's where we get E-O.

Even now, my crew is passing amongst you

and offering for only a dollar, the special of your life.

The way to keep your soul mate, ask me, I know.

And this is the bar that natives of South America eat

before they go into the world-renowned fertility rites.

After you know that, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm sure you'll want to purchase one of these bars for a dollar.

Because it's an experience of your whole life.

[SLICK CONTINUES TALKING]