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- *MY SISTER'S KID
IS TATTOOED *
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*FROM HIS HEAD
DOWN TO HIS TOES *
5
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:17,633
* HE CLAIMS TROUBLE
FOLLOWS HIM *
6
00:00:17,633 --> 00:00:19,633
* EVERYWHERE HE GOES *
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* HE'S SUCH A LAZY,
LOAFIN' *
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* GOOD-FOR-NOTHIN'
DRUNKEN SLOB *
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* BUT STILL HE THINKS *
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00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:29,000
* I OUGHTER GIVE
HIS SORRY ASS A JOB *
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00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,500
*YEAH, PEOPLE
AND THEIR PROBLEMS *
12
00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,067
* ARE GIVIN' ME A PAIN *
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00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,333
* PEOPLE
AND THEIR PROBLEMS *
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00:00:36,333 --> 00:00:38,067
*ARE MESSIN'
WITH MY BRAIN *
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*I TRY TO HELP THEM SOME *
16
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:43,067
* BUT THEY ALWAYS
STAY THE SAME *
17
00:00:43,067 --> 00:00:45,167
* PEOPLE AND THEIR
PROBLEMS... *
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- WOW, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT,
OKAY?
19
00:00:48,233 --> 00:00:49,700
THANKS FOR COMING OUT.
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THE GREAT SAN FRANCISCO,
GREATEST CITY, AND, UH...
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00:00:53,933 --> 00:00:56,633
THE AMAZING, UH, FILLMORE,
22
00:00:56,633 --> 00:00:59,600
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE...
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00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,233
IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
24
00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:05,500
ISN'T IT?
THAT'S WHAT I SAY.
25
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,233
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE.
26
00:01:08,233 --> 00:01:11,200
THAT--I FIND THAT
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00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,567
TO BE THE GOODEST THING
THERE IS,
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TO BE ALIVE.
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00:01:15,967 --> 00:01:18,233
AND, UH, THE REASON
IT'S SO GOOD
30
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IS BECAUSE IT'S SO BAD
TO BE DEAD.
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00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:27,433
IT'S NOT LIKE LIFE'S
SO FUCKING GREAT, BUT...
32
00:01:27,433 --> 00:01:31,200
COMPARED TO BEING
SMOTHERED IN EARTH.
33
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:35,367
SO I'M JUST--
EVERY DAY, I'M HAPPY NOW.
34
00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:38,500
THAT'S MY GOAL IN LIFE
IS NOT TO DIE.
35
00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:40,133
EVERYBODY NEED A GOAL.
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00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:43,267
AND SO THAT'S MY NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTION EVERY YEAR.
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00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:45,467
I GO,
"I'M NOT GONNA DIE."
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00:01:49,433 --> 00:01:51,533
I THINK, ACTUALLY,
SCIENTISTS
39
00:01:51,533 --> 00:01:55,200
SHOULD KIND OF LOOK
INTO THAT WHOLE DEATH THING,
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00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,100
BECAUSE, UH,
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00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,700
THEY SEEM TO FOCUS
ON DISEASES,
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00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:01,167
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
43
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:02,367
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
ABOUT THEM,
44
00:02:02,367 --> 00:02:04,100
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
THE GUY'LL GO,
45
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:05,100
"HEY, YOU GOT, UH...
46
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,900
"WE FIXED YOUR,
UH, ARTHRITIS."
47
00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:08,300
AND THEN YOU GO,
"I'M STILL GONNA DIE?"
48
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,333
THEY GO, "YEAH."
49
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,300
SO THAT, I THINK,
IS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM.
50
00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:18,667
THAT'S WHY I CAN'T GET
BEHIND POLITICIANS, YOU KNOW,
51
00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:19,867
'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,
52
00:02:19,867 --> 00:02:22,233
"OUR BIGGEST PROBLEM TODAY
IS UNEMPLOYMENT."
53
00:02:22,233 --> 00:02:23,800
AND I'M LIKE,
"WHAT ABOUT GETTING OLD
54
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,400
AND SICK AND DYING?"
55
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:34,067
THEN THEY USHER ME OUT
THE BACK WAY, YOU KNOW, BUT...
56
00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:37,067
SERIOUSLY, IF THERE WAS
A POLITICIAN EVER THAT SAID,
57
00:02:37,067 --> 00:02:39,333
"BY MY SECOND TERM,
THERE WILL BE NO DEATH."
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00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,267
I'D GO, "I'M VOTING
FOR THAT FUCKER."
59
00:02:41,267 --> 00:02:44,200
I'D JUST GIVE THAT GUY
ALL MY MONEY,
60
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,867
AND I'D SIT ON A CHAIR.
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00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:52,900
SOMETIMES, I ACTUALLY THINK
I WON'T DIE.
62
00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:54,067
YOU EVER THINK THAT?
63
00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:57,800
YOU GO, "FUCK IT,
I'M NOT DYING."
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00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,633
BUT IN YOUR MIND,
WHEN, YOU KNOW, YOU ANALY--
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00:03:00,633 --> 00:03:02,700
YOU REALIZE, YOU KNOW,
LIKE--
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00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:06,067
LIKE, YOU KNOW, MY DAD DIED
AND MY GRANDFATHER DIED
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00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:07,867
AND MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER DIED,
YOU KNOW.
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00:03:07,867 --> 00:03:09,733
AND THE GUY BEFORE HIM,
I DON'T KNOW.
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00:03:09,733 --> 00:03:10,733
PROBABLY DIED.
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00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,700
I THINK HE DIED.
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00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:20,300
'CAUSE, OTHERWISE,
HE'D BE ON, UH, EXTRA.
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00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:23,267
NO, I...
73
00:03:23,267 --> 00:03:26,067
I COME FROM A LONG LINE
OF DEATH.
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00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:27,433
THAT'S MY POINT.
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00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:30,300
THAT'S MY POINT.
76
00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:31,767
AND SO I FEAR IT,
YOU KNOW.
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00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:33,733
I FEAR IT A LOT.
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00:03:33,733 --> 00:03:35,400
AND I THINK MOST OF US DO,
YOU KNOW,
79
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,700
BUT IT'S FUNNY, LIKE, HOW--
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00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:39,300
LIKE, WHAT WE FEAR,
HOW WE'RE GONNA DIE.
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00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:41,833
IT'S ALWAYS THE WAYS WE DON'T
DIE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
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00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:42,967
LIKE WE GO, "GOD DAMN,
83
00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:45,133
I HOPE A POLAR BEAR
DOESN'T EAT ME,"
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00:03:45,133 --> 00:03:47,467
OR SOME CRAZY SHIT,
YOU KNOW.
85
00:03:47,467 --> 00:03:49,100
OR I HOPE A AIRPLANE.
86
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:50,833
YOU KNOW,
I GOT ON A AIRPLANE TODAY.
87
00:03:50,833 --> 00:03:52,400
EVERY TIME YOU GET
ON AN AIRPLANE, YOU GO,
88
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,733
"I HOPE I DON'T DIE."
89
00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:57,067
BUT YOU NEVER DIE
ON AN AIRPLANE.
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00:03:57,067 --> 00:04:00,200
RIDICULOUS.
91
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:05,633
OR YOU GO, "I HOPE A TERRORIST
DOES NOT ATTACK AND KILL ME.
92
00:04:05,633 --> 00:04:07,067
I HOPE
THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN."
93
00:04:07,067 --> 00:04:08,233
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
ALWAYS AFRAID OF THAT,
94
00:04:08,233 --> 00:04:09,833
BUT YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
WHAT'S THE ODDS
95
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,433
THAT A TERRORIST
WILL ATTACK AND KILL YOU?
96
00:04:12,433 --> 00:04:14,100
YOU KNOW,
ALMOST ZERO, YOU KNOW?
97
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:16,767
BUT WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT YOU
WILL BE ATTACKED AND KILLED
98
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:18,500
BY YOUR OWN HEART?
99
00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:26,100
IT'S PROBABLY 100%,
YOU KNOW, I THINK.
100
00:04:31,733 --> 00:04:34,767
HEART'S NOT GOOD.
101
00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:37,800
PEOPLE THINK IT IS,
BUT IT ISN'T.
102
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,067
PEOPLE LIKE HEARTS.
103
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:41,100
THEY GO, "HERE'S
A VALENTINE'S--A HEART."
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00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:45,400
YOU GO, OH.
[laughs weakly]
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00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,433
THEY GO, "THAT GUY'S
GOT A BIG HEART."
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00:04:47,433 --> 00:04:49,200
I GO, "HE BETTER
FUCKIN' WATCH IT THEN,
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00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,900
"'CAUSE...
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00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,267
"GONNA ATTACK AND KILL HIM.
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00:04:53,267 --> 00:04:55,133
I DON'T KNOW
IF HE KNOWS THAT."
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00:04:58,067 --> 00:05:00,067
THAT'S WHAT GOT MY DAD.
111
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,800
HIS HEART ATTACKED
AND KILLED HIM
112
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,500
WHEN HE WAS LYING
ON HIS BED,
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00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:05,700
AND, BOOM,
DEAD ON THE FLOOR.
114
00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,400
YOU KNOW, THEY SAID
IT WAS INSTANTLY.
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00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,767
AND MY DAD,
HE WASN'T EXPECTING IT.
116
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,967
HE WAS LOOKING FOR
FUCKIN' ARABS AND SHIT,
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00:05:10,967 --> 00:05:13,333
AND HIS HEART ATTACKED
AND KILLED HIM.
118
00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:15,833
AND HE WAS DEAD, LIKE,
INSTANTANEOUSLY.
119
00:05:15,833 --> 00:05:17,867
AND, UH, SAD.
120
00:05:17,867 --> 00:05:22,200
WE WERE ALL SAD.
121
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,767
WHEN SOMETHING
LIKE THAT HAPPENS,
122
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,533
PEOPLE JUST TRY
AND MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
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00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:26,967
THEY'LL SAY ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW.
124
00:05:26,967 --> 00:05:28,633
ONE GUY SAID TO ME,
"DON'T WORRY, NORM,
125
00:05:28,633 --> 00:05:29,967
"HE DIED IN HIS SLEEP.
126
00:05:29,967 --> 00:05:31,767
HE DIDN'T FEEL A THING."
127
00:05:31,767 --> 00:05:33,067
AND I WAS LIKE,
"REALLY?
128
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:34,633
"WHEN HIS HEART ATTACKED
AND KILLED HIM,
129
00:05:34,633 --> 00:05:35,967
HE DIDN'T--"
130
00:05:38,233 --> 00:05:41,200
'CAUSE I WAKE UP, LIKE,
IF MY CAT WALKS ACROSS MY BELLY.
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00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,700
YOU KNOW THAT.
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00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:50,100
I DON'T KNOW IF MY DAD
WAS THAT SOUND A SLEEPER.
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00:05:54,767 --> 00:05:56,600
ONE GUY SAID,
"HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE."
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00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,800
I SAID,
"HE'S ON THE FLOOR...
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00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,233
"DEAD.
136
00:06:02,233 --> 00:06:04,600
"EARLIER, HE WAS ALIVE
ON THE BED.
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00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,367
"NOW, WITH
THAT TEMPUR-PEDIC PILLOW
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00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,900
"I BOUGHT HIM
FOR CHRISTMAS, I'M...
139
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:11,267
"I'M NO PHYSICIAN,
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00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:14,100
"BUT I THINK THAT'S
THE BETTER PLACE OVER THERE.
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00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:16,100
ON THE, UH...
ON THE BED."
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00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,867
YOUR ONLY CHANCE
IF YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK
143
00:06:21,867 --> 00:06:23,233
IS IF THEY GET THERE
EARLY ENOUGH,
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00:06:23,233 --> 00:06:25,300
THEY HAVE THESE THINGS
CALLED DEFIBRILLATORS,
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00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:30,233
AND WHAT THEY DO IS,
THEY ATTACK YOUR HEART.
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'CAUSE THAT'S ALL
THE HEART UNDERSTANDS
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00:06:31,867 --> 00:06:34,700
IS VIOLENCE, YOU KNOW.
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00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:36,400
AND, UH, SO THEY GET
THERE EARLY,
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00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,500
THEY GO, "AAH!"
150
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:39,433
THEN YOUR HEART'S LIKE,
"AAH! WHA--?!
151
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:42,967
I WASN'T GONNA KILL HIM."
152
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:44,667
[laughs]
153
00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:49,867
"UH, THAT'S--THAT'S FUNNY
THAT YOU THOUGHT THAT.
154
00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:52,700
"I WAS--I WAS JUST WORRIED
HE WAS EATING, UH,
155
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,567
TOO MUCH EGGS AND SHIT."
156
00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:02,600
YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET
DEFIBRILLATORS.
157
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,600
LIKE, I URGE YOU
TO GET THEM, YOU KNOW.
158
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:05,967
'CAUSE YOU CAN GET 'EM--
159
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,367
I ORDER 'EM--
YOU GET 'EM,
160
00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:08,800
AND THEN YOU CAN TEACH
YOUR LOVED ONES
161
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,133
HOW TO USE THEM ON YOU.
162
00:07:10,133 --> 00:07:13,067
AND THEY EVEN SHOW HOW YOU
USE THEM ON YOURSELF,
163
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:14,800
AND, UH, SO I SENT AWAY
FOR 'EM,
164
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,100
AND I'M GETTING 'EM,
AND, UH...
165
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,367
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
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00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,500
AS SOON AS I GET THE BOX,
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00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:24,333
I AM GOING TO PREEMPTIVELY
ATTACK MY HEART.
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00:07:24,333 --> 00:07:26,667
LIKE, BEFORE IT DOES ANYTHING,
I'LL JUST BE LIKE, "AAH!"
169
00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:28,267
MY HEART'S LIKE,
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"
170
00:07:28,267 --> 00:07:31,567
YOU GO, "FUCKING RIGHT, SON,
AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO.
171
00:07:31,567 --> 00:07:34,567
"ON ACCOUNT OF I'M CARRYING
AROUND THESE FUCKERS WITH ME
172
00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:37,300
"WHEREVER I GO, SO...
173
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:41,133
"I THINK I'LL GO
ON A ROLLER COASTER NOW AND...
174
00:07:41,133 --> 00:07:43,933
EAT A EGG."
175
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:51,867
BUT THAT'S ALL
THAT'LL GET YOU--A HEART ATTACK
176
00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:52,900
OR A CANCER.
177
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,167
THAT'S THE OTHER THING,
YOU KNOW.
178
00:07:54,167 --> 00:07:55,833
MY UNCLE BURT,
HE'S MY GREAT-UNCLE,
179
00:07:55,833 --> 00:07:57,067
BUT WE CALL HIM UNCLE BURT.
180
00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:58,333
HE GOT BOWEL CANCER NOW.
181
00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:00,667
HE'S, UH...HE'S DYING
OF IT, YOU KNOW.
182
00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:02,533
AND, UH--
183
00:08:02,533 --> 00:08:04,767
OR LIKE, UH,
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY...
184
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,067
NOW THEY--
SEE, IN THE OLD DAYS,
185
00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:09,333
A MAN COULD JUST GET SICK
AND DIE, YOU KNOW?
186
00:08:09,333 --> 00:08:13,400
NOW THEY HAVE
TO WAGE A BATTLE,
187
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,100
[laughs] SO...
188
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:18,133
SO MY UNCLE BURT
IS WAGING A--
189
00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:21,800
A COURAGEOUS BATTLE,
190
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,300
WHICH I HAVE SEEN,
'CAUSE I GO AND VISIT HIM,
191
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:25,667
AND THIS IS THE BATTLE.
192
00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:27,800
HE'S LYING
IN A HOSPITAL BED
193
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,700
WITH A THING IN HIS ARM,
WATCHING MATLOCK ON THE TV.
194
00:08:32,867 --> 00:08:35,167
THE STATE
OF THAT BATTLE, I--
195
00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:38,967
I GOT HIM THE BOX SET
OF MATLOCK, AND...
196
00:08:41,067 --> 00:08:42,300
BUT IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
197
00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:43,367
WHAT THE FUCK
IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO?
198
00:08:43,367 --> 00:08:46,400
GO, "I GOT YOU!"
199
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:50,967
IT'S JUST A BLACK THING
IN HIS BOWEL.
200
00:08:50,967 --> 00:08:52,500
AND THE REASON
I DON'T LIKE IT IS
201
00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,100
'CAUSE IN THE OLD DAYS,
THEY'D GO, "HEY!
202
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,767
THAT OLD MAN DIED."
203
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:57,733
NOW THEY GO, "HEY!
204
00:08:57,733 --> 00:09:02,067
HE--HE LOST HIS BATTLE."
205
00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:03,967
THAT'S NO WAY
TO END YOUR LIFE.
206
00:09:03,967 --> 00:09:07,867
YOU KNOW, "WHAT A LOSER
THAT GUY WAS.
207
00:09:07,867 --> 00:09:11,133
LAST THING HE DID
WAS LOSE."
208
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:16,567
"HE WAS WAGING
A BRAVE BATTLE,
209
00:09:16,567 --> 00:09:17,800
"BUT AT THE END,
210
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,833
"I GUESS HE GOT KIND OF COWARDLY
WAS WHAT HAPPENED.
211
00:09:19,833 --> 00:09:22,800
"AND THEN, THE BOWEL CANCER,
IT GOT BRAVE.
212
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,067
"YOU GOTTA GIVE IT
TO THE BOWEL CANCER.
213
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:27,233
YOU KNOW, THEY WERE
IN A BATTLE, AND THEN--"
214
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:32,867
WHAT THE FUCK?
215
00:09:32,867 --> 00:09:34,867
AND I'M PRETTY SURE--
I'M NOT A DOCTOR,
216
00:09:34,867 --> 00:09:38,367
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE
IF THE CANCER DIES--
217
00:09:38,367 --> 00:09:40,800
I MEAN, IF YOU DIE,
THE CANCER ALSO DIES
218
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,500
AT EXACTLY
THE SAME TIME.
219
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:44,233
SO THAT, TO ME,
IS NOT A LOSS.
220
00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:45,633
THAT'S A DRAW.
221
00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:47,067
THAT'S A--
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
222
00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:49,367
IT'S NOT LIKE FUCKING
223
00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:50,833
THE CANCER'S GONNA JUMP UP
AND GO,
224
00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:52,300
"AAH, I'M FUCKING
UNCLE BURT'S WIFE.
225
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,267
"WHERE IS HE?
226
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:56,733
"I WON FAIR AND SQUARE.
227
00:09:56,733 --> 00:10:00,267
"IS THIS WHERE HE WORKS?
228
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,167
"HI. NAME'S CANCER.
WHERE DO I--
229
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:06,933
"YOU JUST SHOW ME
TO MY CUBICLE.
230
00:10:06,933 --> 00:10:08,467
BOWEL.
FIRST NAME'S BOWEL."
231
00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:16,467
NO, MAN, I WOULDN'T HAVE
NO BRAVE BATTLE
232
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:18,100
WHEN I'M FUCKIN' DYIN',
I'LL TELL YOU THIS,
233
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,900
'CAUSE I'M NOT BRAVE.
234
00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:22,600
SO WHEN THE FUCKIN'
SICKLE OF DEATH
235
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,233
IS OVER MY GODDAMN NECK,
236
00:10:24,233 --> 00:10:25,733
I'M GONNA BE SO COWARDLY.
237
00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:27,433
I'M--YOU KNOW, I'M AFRAID
238
00:10:27,433 --> 00:10:30,567
OF GOING ON FERRIS WHEELS
AND SHIT.
239
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,367
YOU KNOW?
240
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:33,833
I'M NOT GONNA BE BRAVE.
241
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,267
I DON'T CARE
HOW OLD I AM.
242
00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:36,367
I COULD BE 94.
243
00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:39,733
I'LL BE LIKE,
"OOH, PLEASE, OH!
244
00:10:39,733 --> 00:10:42,967
TAKE MY GRANDSON."
245
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:49,400
"OH, HE'S YOUNG AND FRESH.
246
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,733
"I'D GLADLY MAKE A DEAL
WITH THE DEVIL
247
00:10:51,733 --> 00:10:53,000
"IF THERE'S ANY--
248
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,600
"I'VE READ THAT
IN LITERATURE.
249
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,767
OH, ANYTHING, PLEASE."
250
00:11:02,933 --> 00:11:06,100
NOW, LISTEN, MAN,
I LIKE THE NEWS.
251
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:09,200
YOU GUYS LIKE THE NEWS?
252
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,867
I ALWAYS WATCH THE NEWS.
253
00:11:10,867 --> 00:11:12,567
AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT THE NEWS.
254
00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:14,533
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
255
00:11:14,533 --> 00:11:16,800
BUT FOR SOME REASON,
I WATCH IT.
256
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,067
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY,
257
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:20,433
BUT, UH, I THINK
I'M SUPPOSED TO OR SOMETHING,
258
00:11:20,433 --> 00:11:22,567
SO I'LL WATCH IT,
AND THEN THE GUY'LL COME ON,
259
00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:24,833
HE'LL GO,
"ANYWAYS, TODAY, THE DEFICIT..."
260
00:11:24,833 --> 00:11:27,467
AND I'LL GO, "AH HA HA,
I'VE HEARD THAT WORD."
261
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,467
AND THE GUY GOES,
262
00:11:32,467 --> 00:11:37,667
"TODAY, THE DOW JONES/NASDAQ
COMPOSITE INDEX IS, UH, DOWN,"
263
00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:39,667
AND THEN I GO,
"AH, THAT'S NOT GOOD."
264
00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:46,100
DOWN.
265
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,500
UP. I LIKE WHEN IT'S UP.
266
00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:51,500
THAT'S MY OPINION
ON THE...
267
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,867
SEEMS LIKE
THERE'S TOO MUCH NEWS,
268
00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:02,567
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE NOW THEY 24-HOUR NEWS.
269
00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:04,200
NOW, WHEN I WAS
A YOUNG BOY,
270
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,700
THE NEWS WAS
HALF A HOUR.
271
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:07,200
THAT WAS THE WHOLE NEWS,
YOU KNOW,
272
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,600
AND A GUY WOULD COME ON,
AND HE'D HAVE A TIE,
273
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,267
YOU KNOW, AND SHIT,
AND HE WOULD SAY THE NEWS,
274
00:12:12,267 --> 00:12:13,767
AND IT WAS
A HALF A HOUR LONG.
275
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,400
NOW IT'S 24 HOURS LONG.
276
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,467
NOW, IT TURNS OUT
THAT BACK IN THE OLD DAYS
277
00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:20,733
WHEN IT WAS
ONLY HALF A HOUR,
278
00:12:20,733 --> 00:12:22,067
THEY HAD IT ABOUT RIGHT.
279
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,900
THAT'S ABOUT
ALL THE NEWS THERE IS.
280
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:34,433
EVEN THEN, THERE WOULD
ALWAYS BE, LIKE, A STORY--
281
00:12:34,433 --> 00:12:36,200
SOME FUCKING STORY
AT THE END
282
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:37,667
ABOUT A CARIBOU
OR SOME HORSESHIT,
283
00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:42,067
SO THERE WASN'T EVEN ENOUGH
TO FILL THE HALF A HOUR.
284
00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:44,433
BUT 24 HOURS,
WAY TOO LONG.
285
00:12:44,433 --> 00:12:46,200
SO THEY HAVE TO KEEP
REPEATING THE STORIES
286
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,567
ALL THE TIME
AND EVERYTHING,
287
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,900
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
MAKE UP STORIES, YOU KNOW.
288
00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:51,567
THEY DO THAT A LOT,
MAKE UP
289
00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:53,767
THINGS THAT AREN'T
REALLY NEWS STORIES,
290
00:12:53,767 --> 00:12:56,967
BUT THEY HAVE TO, YOU KNOW,
FILL THE 24 HOURS, YOU KNOW.
291
00:12:56,967 --> 00:12:59,133
AND THE ONE I NOTICE
THAT THEY MAKE UP A LOT,
292
00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:00,900
THIS IS THE LATEST ONE
I'VE SEEN.
293
00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:02,767
I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME
ON THE NEWS.
294
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:04,300
THE NEWSMAN WILL COME ON,
HE'LL GO...
295
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:06,133
HE'LL GO,
"GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.
296
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,333
THIS IS THE NEWSMAN."
297
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:10,500
WHATEVER HE SAYS.
HE'S NOT GONNA SAY THAT.
298
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:13,633
THEN HE GOES,
"OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT,
299
00:13:13,633 --> 00:13:15,500
A LADY HAS VANISHED."
300
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,500
THAT'S THE STORY.
301
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,100
AND THEN HE GOES,
"LET'S GO OUTSIDE,
302
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:24,133
WHERE THERE'S ANOTHER GUY."
303
00:13:24,133 --> 00:13:26,833
SO THEN THEY CUT
TO OUTSIDE.
304
00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:28,567
AND THEN THERE'S
A GUY OUTSIDE,
305
00:13:28,567 --> 00:13:33,233
AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, LISTEN,
HOW'S IT GOING INSIDE?
306
00:13:33,233 --> 00:13:36,067
"WE'RE OUTSIDE, AND, UH,
307
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:38,200
"WE FOUND OUT ABOUT
THIS LADY THAT VANISHED.
308
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:39,467
"HER NAME WAS JANICE,
309
00:13:39,467 --> 00:13:41,067
"AND THEY
FOUND HER CAR HERE
310
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:42,767
"IN THE TACO BELL
PARKING LOT,
311
00:13:42,767 --> 00:13:44,500
"AND, UH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE CAR.
312
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:46,367
"IT'S FINE, BUT, UH...
313
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,600
"CAN'T FIND
HIDE NOR HAIR OF THE LADY.
314
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,400
WELL, BACK TO YOU."
315
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,867
SO THEN YOU'RE WATCHING,
316
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,667
YOU GO, "WELL,
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
317
00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:59,200
ON ACCOUNT OF I NEVER KNEW
JANICE IN THE FIRST PLACE."
318
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,900
"MATTER OF FACT,
I'M KIND OF HAPPY IT'S JANICE
319
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:07,900
AND NOT SOMEBODY I KNOW."
320
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,467
BUT THEN WHAT THEY DO IS,
321
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:16,833
THEY START TELLING YOU
ABOUT JANICE, YOU KNOW?
322
00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,067
AND THEY GO, "HEY, WE GOT--
323
00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:19,800
WE FOUND OUT SOME COOL THINGS
ABOUT JANICE."
324
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,400
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"NO, THAT'S COOL.
325
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,500
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR."
326
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:24,767
THEY GO, "NO, NO,
YOU WANT TO HEAR."
327
00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:26,200
THEY CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES,
328
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,067
SO THEY GO,
"LET'S GO BACK TO BILL.
329
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,333
"HE'S, UH--HE'S, UH,
STILL OUTSIDE.
330
00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:32,233
AND, UH,
HOW'S IT GOING, BILL?"
331
00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:33,767
AND BILL'S LIKE,
"IT'S ALL RIGHT.
332
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:35,400
"IT'S NO INSIDE,
BUT IT'S COOL.
333
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,867
"AND, UH...
334
00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:40,400
"ANYWAYS, WE FOUND OUT
ABOUT JANICE.
335
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,433
"TURNS OUT
SHE'S A GOOD LADY,
336
00:14:43,433 --> 00:14:45,167
"AND, UH, WE FOUND
SOME FRIENDS OF HERS,
337
00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:46,533
AND HERE THEY ARE."
338
00:14:46,533 --> 00:14:48,433
AND THEN, SURE ENOUGH,
THEY SHOW A LADY
339
00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:50,233
AND IT SAYS,
"FRIEND OF JANICE."
340
00:14:50,233 --> 00:14:51,733
AND, UH, SHE SAYS,
341
00:14:51,733 --> 00:14:53,067
"I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT JANICE.
342
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:54,733
"YOU WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT JANICE?
343
00:14:54,733 --> 00:14:56,067
"JANICE IS THE TYPE OF LADY
344
00:14:56,067 --> 00:14:57,500
"THAT YOU COULD
ALWAYS TURN TO.
345
00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,733
"YOU KNOW, YOU EVER
WANT TO TURN TO SOMEBODY?
346
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,100
"LIKE, IF YOU GOT
A PROBLEM OR SOMETHING,
347
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,533
AND YOU KNOW HOW YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU WANT TO TURN?"
348
00:15:05,867 --> 00:15:07,767
"YOU EVER DO THAT?
349
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:09,400
"OR MAYBE
YOUR NECK JUST HURTS
350
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,867
"AND YOU WANT TO ANYWAYS.
THE POINT OF IT IS
351
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,667
"THAT ONCE YOU SWIVELED
YOUR HEAD OVER THIS WAY,
352
00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:16,433
"THE PERSON YOU'D
MOST WANT TO SEE
353
00:15:16,433 --> 00:15:19,600
IN YOUR EYE LINE
WOULD BE JANICE."
354
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:23,567
AND THEN THEY HAVE
ANOTHER FRIEND OF JANICE
355
00:15:23,567 --> 00:15:25,067
THAT WASN'T THE FIRST ONE,
AND SHE'LL GO,
356
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:27,333
"I'LL TELL YOU JANICE,
OH, MY GOD.
357
00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:28,900
"SHE WAS THE TYPE OF LADY
358
00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:30,467
"THAT SHE COULD
WALK INTO A ROOM
359
00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:32,967
"AND LIGHT UP THE WHOLE ROOM,
YOU KNOW?
360
00:15:32,967 --> 00:15:35,367
"SHE DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT
OR NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.
361
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:39,067
"SHE WOULD JUST SOMEHOW,
362
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:44,067
"THROUGH SHEER TYRANNY OF WILL,
SHE COULD SOMEHOW
363
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:47,367
ILLUMINATE A ROOM.
I DON'T KNOW HOW."
364
00:15:47,367 --> 00:15:49,667
AND THERE'LL BE
JANICE'S THIRD FRIEND LADY
365
00:15:49,667 --> 00:15:51,067
THAT'S NOT
ONE OF THE EARLIER TWO,
366
00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:52,067
AND THEN SHE GOES,
367
00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:53,267
"I'LL TELL YOU
ABOUT JANICE.
368
00:15:53,267 --> 00:15:56,200
"IS THAT WHO YOU'RE
ASKING ME ABOUT, JANICE?
369
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,100
"JANICE WAS
THE TYPE OF LADY
370
00:15:58,100 --> 00:15:59,433
"THAT YOU COULD BE TALKING
371
00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:01,267
"TO YOUR BEST FRIEND
IN THE WHOLE WORLD,
372
00:16:01,267 --> 00:16:02,833
"AND THEN JANICE COME IN
AND YOU GO,
373
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:05,600
'FUCK YOU,
I'M TALKING TO JANICE.'"
374
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,533
"'CAUSE JANICE
IS BETTER THAN YOU.
375
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,200
"'COME ON, LET'S FACE IT.
376
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,133
SHE'S BETTER
THAN ALL OF US.'"
377
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:14,333
SO ANYWAYS,
THEN YOU'RE AT HOME,
378
00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:16,833
AND YOU START LIKING JANICE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
379
00:16:16,833 --> 00:16:18,100
YOU START GETTING
INVESTED IN HER.
380
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:21,333
YOU GO, "GOD DAMN, THAT JANICE
IS A COOL LADY.
381
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:22,900
"I WOULD LIKE
TO MEET HER ONE DAY.
382
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,067
"THAT WOULD BE A LOT OF--
383
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,633
FUCK, I FORGOT
SHE VANISHED."
384
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:29,967
"AH, JUST MY LUCK."
385
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:39,800
"THEY'LL FIND HER."
386
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,867
THEN YOU GET HOPE.
387
00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:42,967
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
388
00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:44,567
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT OBAMA SAYS,
389
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:47,433
HOPE IS NEVER GOOD.
390
00:16:47,433 --> 00:16:51,300
DON'T TRY IT.
NEVER WORKS OUT.
391
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:52,900
SO YOU GO...
392
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:55,167
YOU GO, "OH, MAN,
THEY'LL FIND JANICE.
393
00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:57,967
"THEY'RE PUTTING PICTURES UP
OF HER ON TELEPHONE POLES.
394
00:16:57,967 --> 00:17:01,967
"I THINK THAT WORKED
ONCE, AND..."
395
00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:03,667
AND THEN
THE NEWS KEEPS SHOWING YOU
396
00:17:03,667 --> 00:17:05,267
MORE THINGS ABOUT JANICE,
YOU KNOW.
397
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,600
AND THEY'LL SHOW YOU, LIKE,
HOME VIDEOS OF HER.
398
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,100
YOU'RE LIKE,
"GOD DAMN, LOOK AT THAT.
399
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:10,600
SHE'S EATING A PIZZA."
400
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,967
"I LIKE HER HAIR
LIKE THAT."
401
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,600
"THEY'LL FIND HER."
402
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,733
AND THEN YOU BECOME
OBSESSED WITH JANICE.
403
00:17:21,733 --> 00:17:23,267
IT'S ALL YOU CAN THINK OF,
YOU KNOW?
404
00:17:23,267 --> 00:17:25,333
YOU'RE AT WORK,
FUCKING JUST CAN'T WAIT
405
00:17:25,333 --> 00:17:28,233
TO GET HOME, AGONIZING
OVER JANICE, YOU KNOW,
406
00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:31,600
AND THINKING ABOUT HER
EATING PIZZA AND SHIT.
407
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,533
AND THEN YOU GO HOME,
408
00:17:33,533 --> 00:17:36,333
AND YOUR NIGHTS
ARE JUST FEVERED DREAMS
409
00:17:36,333 --> 00:17:42,067
OF, YOU KNOW, JANICE
AND BANGS AND SHIT LIKE THAT.
410
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:45,900
AND ALL YOU CAN DO
IS TURN ON THE TV AND HOPE,
411
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:48,100
AND, YOU KNOW...
AND THEN ONE DAY, YOU KNOW,
412
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,800
THEY GO, "HEY,
MORE NEWS ON JANICE.
413
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,167
HERE'S BILL.
HE STILL OUTSIDE."
414
00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:52,833
AND THEN BILL
IS, LIKE, OUTSIDE,
415
00:17:52,833 --> 00:17:54,367
AND HE'S LIKE,
"HERE WE ARE.
416
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,700
"UH, AS YOU CAN SEE
BEHIND ME,
417
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,400
"THEY ARE SCOURING
THE WOODS.
418
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,667
THEY'RE STILL SEARCHING
FOR JANICE," YOU KNOW.
419
00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:03,067
AND THEN, YOU GO,
"OH, FUCK, NOT THE WOODS.
420
00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:03,933
YOU KNOW,
THAT'S NOT--"
421
00:18:08,433 --> 00:18:12,067
NOTHING GOOD
EVER HAPPENS IN THE WOODS.
422
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:15,400
I'VE SEEN ENOUGH OF
THESE FUCKING STORIES TO KNOW
423
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,267
THAT JANICE AIN'T COMING
BOUNDING OUT OF THE WOODS
424
00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:21,100
ANY TIME SOON,
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
425
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,667
SHE'S LIKE, "HEY!
WHAT'S GOING ON, EVERYBODY?
426
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:26,433
I--I WAS JUST TAKING
A STROLL THROUGH THE WOODS."
427
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,300
"WHAT ARE YOU TAKING
MY PICTURE FOR?
428
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:32,633
"I WAS JUST--
429
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:35,700
JUST DECIDED TO TAKE A STROLL
THROUGH THE SCRAGGLY WOODS."
430
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:41,633
NO, IF THEY FIND YOU
IN THE WOODS,
431
00:18:41,633 --> 00:18:44,067
THEY ALWAYS FIND YOU
IN THE SAME PLACE.
432
00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:46,500
EVERY TIME,
THEY WILL FIND YOU
433
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,167
IN A, UH, SHALLOW GRAVE.
434
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:58,300
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DON'T JUST
LOOK THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
435
00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:00,633
THAT'S--
IF I WAS THE POLICE CHIEF,
436
00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:03,100
I'D GO, "LISTEN,
I WANT EVERY SHALLOW GRAVE
437
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,667
"IN THE VICINITY
CHECKED OUT.
438
00:19:05,667 --> 00:19:07,767
"I WANT TO CLEAR UP
THIS CASE BY TUESDAY
439
00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:09,567
"ON ACCOUNT OF
440
00:19:09,567 --> 00:19:12,267
I'M RUNNING FOR D.A.,
OR WHATEVER."
441
00:19:12,267 --> 00:19:13,800
BUT, UH...
442
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:19,400
DOESN'T "SHALLOW GRAVE"
SEEM A MIGHT RASH?
443
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,800
YOU KNOW, IF--
444
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,300
LIKE, THESE SERIAL KILLERS
ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SO SHREWD
445
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:25,100
AND CUNNING AND EVERYTHING,
YOU KNOW.
446
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:27,433
AT LEAST ACCORDING
TO THE TV MOVIES I'VE SEEN.
447
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:30,067
AND, UH, BUT
THEN WHEN IT COMES TIME
448
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:33,067
FOR THE GRAVE,
449
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:35,567
THEY GET A LITTLE HASTY,
YOU KNOW.
450
00:19:37,533 --> 00:19:39,233
"HERE YOU GO--
THREE TWIGS AND A LEAF.
451
00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:41,067
"THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
452
00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:44,633
"THAT DOESN'T LOOK
LIKE JANICE ANYMORE.
453
00:19:44,633 --> 00:19:46,233
"DON'T RECALL
JANICE EVER WEARING
454
00:19:46,233 --> 00:19:47,933
"THREE LEAVES AND A TWIG.
455
00:19:47,933 --> 00:19:50,233
"OH, WELL,
GUESS I'LL GO HOME
456
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:52,733
AND AWAIT
THE AUTHORITIES NOW."
457
00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:57,467
YOU GOTTA PREPARE
THESE THINGS, YOU KNOW?
458
00:19:57,467 --> 00:19:59,700
YOU GOTTA BE A LITTLE
SMARTER THAN THAT.
459
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,067
YOU KNOW, WHAT I WOULD DO,
460
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:06,733
AND I WOULD NEVER, EVER
KILL A LADY IN COLD BLOOD...
461
00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:08,433
[cheers and applause]
462
00:20:08,433 --> 00:20:09,800
I WOULDN'T!
463
00:20:11,233 --> 00:20:14,500
I KNOW I SAY THAT NOW.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
464
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:15,700
I CAN'T PREDICT THE FUTURE.
465
00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:19,600
BUT I DON'T BELIEVE I...
466
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,333
I KNOW THERE'S
NO RIVER LONG ENOUGH
467
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:23,400
DOESN'T CONTAIN A BEND.
468
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,267
BUT I BELIEVE THAT,
RIGHT NOW...
469
00:20:26,267 --> 00:20:27,467
AND IT MIGHT JUST
BE VANITY--
470
00:20:27,467 --> 00:20:28,733
I DON'T THINK I WOULD, UH,
471
00:20:28,733 --> 00:20:31,000
I WOULD KILL A WOMAN
IN COLD BLOOD.
472
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:35,633
BUT IF I DID, I WOULD PLAN IT
OUT VERY CAREFULLY, YOU KNOW?
473
00:20:35,633 --> 00:20:37,400
'CAUSE THERE'S A LOT AT STAKE.
474
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,733
YOU KNOW, YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
YOU PROBABLY, YOU KNOW...
475
00:20:39,733 --> 00:20:41,933
PROBABLY LOSE YOUR JOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.
476
00:20:44,333 --> 00:20:47,567
THAT'S A BLEMISH
ON THE OLD C.V., YOU KNOW?
477
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,567
EVEN IN TODAY'S
ENLIGHTENED SOCIETY,
478
00:20:54,567 --> 00:20:58,667
THERE REMAINS A STIGMA
TO BEING A PSYCHO-SEXUAL SADIST.
479
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:04,833
BUT, UH...
480
00:21:04,833 --> 00:21:07,300
WHAT I WOULD DO
IS I WOULD, LIKE,
481
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:09,400
I WOULD LOOK AT THE LA--
I WOULD SELECT A LADY,
482
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:10,833
AND THEN I WOULD FOLLOW
HER HABITS.
483
00:21:10,833 --> 00:21:13,167
YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
484
00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:15,833
LIKE, I WOULD WATCH HER
VERY CAREFULLY, YOU KNOW?
485
00:21:15,833 --> 00:21:18,633
AND I'D GO, "HEY!
I NOTICE THAT EVERY DAY,
486
00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:20,400
"SHE GOES TO THAT
CHEESE SANDWICH SHOP,
487
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,900
"AND THEN SHE COMES OUT
WITH A LITTLE PAPER BAG.
488
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:26,133
I'LL BET YOU ANYTHING THERE'S
CHEESE SANDWICHES IN THERE."
489
00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:27,433
YOU KNOW?
490
00:21:27,433 --> 00:21:30,367
SO THEN I KEEP THAT
IN MY HEAD, YOU UNDERSTAND.
491
00:21:30,367 --> 00:21:31,733
THEN I'D SAY, "HEY!
492
00:21:31,733 --> 00:21:34,433
"I NOTICE EVERY
WEDNESDAY EVENING,
493
00:21:34,433 --> 00:21:37,233
"SHE GOES WITH
HER OTHER LADY FRIENDS,
494
00:21:37,233 --> 00:21:39,300
"AND THEY GO DOWN
TO THE YWCA
495
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:41,167
AND THEY PLAY BASKETBALL
WITH EACH OTHER."
496
00:21:41,167 --> 00:21:44,300
WHICH IS FINE NOWADAYS.
YOU KNOW?
497
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:47,467
SO WHAT I WOULD DO IS,
498
00:21:47,467 --> 00:21:52,067
ON WEDNESDAY,
I WOULD GO DOWN TO THE YWCA.
499
00:21:52,067 --> 00:21:55,167
AND WHAT WOULD I BE HOLDING
500
00:21:55,167 --> 00:21:57,833
IN MY RIGHT HAND
IN THE PARKING LOT
501
00:21:57,833 --> 00:22:00,800
BUT A CHEESE SANDWICH?
502
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,433
SO THEN SHE WOULD EVENTUALLY
COME OUT OF THE YWCA,
503
00:22:04,433 --> 00:22:06,700
YOU KNOW, ALL SWEATY
WITH HER, UH, YOU KNOW,
504
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:09,333
HER RIDICULOUS, THREE-COLORED
BALL AND EVERYTHING THERE.
505
00:22:09,333 --> 00:22:11,967
YOU KNOW, AND...
I'D BE STANDING THERE.
506
00:22:11,967 --> 00:22:13,467
[laughter and applause]
507
00:22:13,467 --> 00:22:15,900
AND THEN SHE'D GO, "HEY,
WHAT'S IN YOUR RIGHT HAND?"
508
00:22:15,900 --> 00:22:17,900
AND I'D GO, "NOTHIN'."
I'D BE COY, YOU KNOW.
509
00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:19,700
AND SHE'D GO...
510
00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:21,233
SHE'D GO, "THERE'S SOMETHING
IN YOUR RIGHT HAND."
511
00:22:21,233 --> 00:22:22,900
I'D GO, "LISTEN, LADY...
512
00:22:22,900 --> 00:22:25,900
"WHO KNOWS MORE ABOUT
WHAT'S IN THEIR RIGHT HAND,
513
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:27,633
"YOU OR ME?
I BELIEVE--
514
00:22:27,633 --> 00:22:29,900
"OH, THIS!
515
00:22:29,900 --> 00:22:32,367
"NO, THIS IS JUST
A CHEESE SANDWICH.
516
00:22:32,367 --> 00:22:36,200
"WHY, YOU LIKE 'EM
OR SOMETHING? WHAT'S...
517
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:40,900
"I GOT A WHOLE FUCKING VAN
FULL OF 'EM OVER THERE.
518
00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:43,133
"RIGHT OVER THERE.
519
00:22:43,133 --> 00:22:46,200
"YEAH. YEAH, THAT CRAZIEST-
LOOKIN' FUCKING VAN
520
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,133
"YOU EVER SAW...
521
00:22:48,133 --> 00:22:49,833
THAT'S FILLED
WITH CHEESE SANDWICHES."
522
00:22:56,900 --> 00:22:58,900
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE
CHEESE SANDWICHES
523
00:22:58,900 --> 00:23:01,967
IN THE VAN, BY THE WAY,
IF YOU'RE...
524
00:23:01,967 --> 00:23:02,900
YOU KNOW.
525
00:23:06,367 --> 00:23:08,967
UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN
FOR YOUR DETAILED WORK,
526
00:23:08,967 --> 00:23:09,967
IT'S NOT...
527
00:23:09,967 --> 00:23:11,667
IT'S NOT REALLY NECESSARY.
528
00:23:11,667 --> 00:23:13,967
THEN I WOULD GET
THE LADY IN THE VAN,
529
00:23:13,967 --> 00:23:16,400
AND I WOULD DRIVE HER
TO A REMOTE AREA,
530
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,567
AN AREA...
531
00:23:18,567 --> 00:23:20,533
MOST KNOWN
FOR ITS REMOTENESS.
532
00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:21,867
THAT'S WHAT
I WOULD LOOK FOR.
533
00:23:21,867 --> 00:23:24,467
AND ANYWAYS, I'D TAKE HER
TO THE REMOTE AREA,
534
00:23:24,467 --> 00:23:26,767
WHERE I'D CONSTRUCTED A SHED,
535
00:23:26,767 --> 00:23:28,967
AND THEN I WOULD GET HER
IN THERE,
536
00:23:28,967 --> 00:23:32,400
AND I WOULD DO THAT THING
THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE GOD.
537
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,500
AND, UH...
538
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:39,800
AND THEN HER SCREAMS WOULD JUST
BOUNCE OFF THE WALLS
539
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:43,700
AND ECHO OUT INTO NOWHERE
AND NEVER...
540
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:46,367
TOUCH THE EAR
OF CIVILIZED MAN AGAIN.
541
00:23:46,367 --> 00:23:49,600
AND THEN I WOULD TAKE
HER BODY TO THE WOODS,
542
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:53,967
AND BURY HER IN A VERY,
VERY, VERY DEEP GRAVE.
543
00:23:53,967 --> 00:23:56,767
[laughter and applause]
544
00:23:56,767 --> 00:23:57,900
THAT'S...
545
00:24:00,133 --> 00:24:02,633
THAT WOULD BE
MOST OF MY PREPARATION.
546
00:24:02,633 --> 00:24:04,200
I WOULD START
DIGGING THE GRAVE
547
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,067
BEFORE I CHOSE
THE VICTIM.
548
00:24:06,067 --> 00:24:07,167
COUPLE OF YEARS BEFORE,
549
00:24:07,167 --> 00:24:09,633
I'D BE OUT
DIGGING A GRAVE.
550
00:24:15,367 --> 00:24:16,667
BUT, NO, LISTEN...
551
00:24:19,067 --> 00:24:23,800
ENOUGH OF THIS GRIMNESS.
552
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,567
ALTHOUGH MY BUDDY--
I DID WANT TO SAY ONE THING
553
00:24:25,567 --> 00:24:28,233
ABOUT MY BUDDY RICHIE,
WHO HAS A DISEASE.
554
00:24:28,233 --> 00:24:30,233
AND, UH, BUT IT'S--
555
00:24:30,233 --> 00:24:32,067
IT'S AN INTERESTING DISEASE
HE HAS.
556
00:24:32,067 --> 00:24:34,800
HE HAS THE DISEASE
OF ALCOHOLISM.
557
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:36,400
ALCOHOLISM.
558
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:37,933
AND, UH, HE CAME TO ME,
YOU KNOW,
559
00:24:37,933 --> 00:24:40,367
AND HE TOLD ME, AND, UH,
I LIKE TO LOOK--
560
00:24:40,367 --> 00:24:41,467
I'M THE KIND OF GUY
THAT LIKES TO LOOK
561
00:24:41,467 --> 00:24:42,967
AT THE BRIGHT SIDE
OF THINGS, YOU KNOW?
562
00:24:42,967 --> 00:24:45,367
SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID,
"RICHIE, IT'S TRUE
563
00:24:45,367 --> 00:24:47,367
"THAT YOU HAVE A DISEASE
AND EVERYTHING.
564
00:24:47,367 --> 00:24:50,300
BUT...I THINK YOU GOT
THE BEST ONE."
565
00:24:56,367 --> 00:24:57,933
IT'S THE ONLY DISEASE
WHERE YOU
566
00:24:57,933 --> 00:25:00,067
GET TO DRINK BOOZE
ALL THE TIME.
567
00:25:00,067 --> 00:25:03,333
I--I HAVEN'T LOOKED
AT EVERY MEDICAL JOURNAL,
568
00:25:03,333 --> 00:25:05,867
BUT I BELIEVE...
569
00:25:05,867 --> 00:25:09,367
IT'S THE ONLY DISEASE WHERE
YOU CAN CONSTANTLY DRINK BOOZE.
570
00:25:11,433 --> 00:25:14,733
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
THAT IS THE DISEASE.
571
00:25:17,767 --> 00:25:19,300
YOU KNOW, AND I DON'T
THINK RICHIE
572
00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:20,700
WOULD THINK IF HE HAD A--
573
00:25:20,700 --> 00:25:22,433
LIKE, I DON'T THINK RICHIE
WOULD GO TO MY UNCLE BURT
574
00:25:22,433 --> 00:25:24,767
AND GO, "HEY, I UNDERSTAND
YOU GOT BOWEL CANCER.
575
00:25:24,767 --> 00:25:26,733
"YEAH, MAN,
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
576
00:25:26,733 --> 00:25:28,833
"I GOTTA...
DRINK A LOT OF BOOZE.
577
00:25:28,833 --> 00:25:30,567
"THOSE DISEASES...
578
00:25:30,567 --> 00:25:34,867
"THEY'RE TOUGH, THOSE DISEASES,
HUH, UNCLE BURT?
579
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,867
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR SYMPTOMS,
UNCLE BURT?"
580
00:25:36,867 --> 00:25:40,600
"WELL, MY BOWEL, I GOT BLOOD
POURING OUT OF IT ALL THE TIME.
581
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:44,867
"I GOT BOWEL BLOOD POURIN' OUT,
GUSHIN' OUT OF MY BOWEL,
582
00:25:44,867 --> 00:25:46,333
"ALMOST NONSTOP.
583
00:25:46,333 --> 00:25:50,333
"AND, UH, I GOT SEARING,
CLAWING PAINS,
584
00:25:50,333 --> 00:25:53,333
"RIPPING, TEARING, YOU KNOW.
585
00:25:53,333 --> 00:25:58,333
"UH...MIND-SCREECHING...
BOWEL PAINS.
586
00:25:58,333 --> 00:26:03,333
"AND, UH, THEY'RE COMBINED
WITH ACHING, DULL,
587
00:26:03,333 --> 00:26:05,667
SOUL-DEADENING BOWEL PAIN."
588
00:26:07,833 --> 00:26:09,933
"THOSE ARE BASICALLY
MY SYMPTOMS. HOW ABOUT YOU?"
589
00:26:09,933 --> 00:26:11,333
"I GET HAPPY."
590
00:26:13,833 --> 00:26:15,833
"AND, UH, YOU KNOW.
591
00:26:15,833 --> 00:26:18,733
"I TEND TO BE ABLE TO TALK
TO PEOPLE EASIER, I FIND."
592
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,400
"SOMETIMES, I WILL
MEET A LADY AT A BAR,
593
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,167
"GOT THE SAME DISEASE
AS I DO,
594
00:26:29,167 --> 00:26:31,700
"AND I'LL FUCK HER.
595
00:26:31,700 --> 00:26:35,400
"BUT, UH...
596
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:38,300
"THAT'S IN THE LATTER STAGES
OF THE DISEASE,
597
00:26:38,300 --> 00:26:42,067
"UNCLE BURT.
YOU OUGHT TO REALIZE THAT.
598
00:26:42,067 --> 00:26:43,633
YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN, UNCLE BURT?"
599
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,500
BUT, UH...
NO, BUT, LISTEN, MAN,
600
00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:50,967
I DON'T MINIMIZE
WHAT HE DOES, THOUGH,
601
00:26:50,967 --> 00:26:52,467
'CAUSE HE'S...
HE, YOU KNOW,
602
00:26:52,467 --> 00:26:54,133
HE ADMITS THAT HE'S
A ALCOHOLIC
603
00:26:54,133 --> 00:26:55,333
AND THAT HE'S WEAKER
THAN A BOTTLE,
604
00:26:55,333 --> 00:26:56,400
AND THAT AIN'T EASY
TO DO.
605
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:57,700
I COULDN'T DO
ANY OF THAT SHIT.
606
00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:59,233
I'M TOO PROUD,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
607
00:26:59,233 --> 00:27:00,633
I GOT TOO MUCH PRIDE,
YOU KNOW.
608
00:27:00,633 --> 00:27:02,400
LIKE THEY SAY
IN THE SCRIPTURES,
609
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,633
"PRIDE GOETH
BEFORE THE FALL," YOU KNOW.
610
00:27:04,633 --> 00:27:06,200
AND HE CAN SOMEHOW...
611
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:08,900
YOU KNOW, IT'S
A VERY BEAUTIFUL THING HE DOES.
612
00:27:08,900 --> 00:27:10,667
HE GOES TO
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS,
613
00:27:10,667 --> 00:27:13,167
AND HE SAYS, RIGHT IN FRONT
OF THEM, HE SAYS--
614
00:27:13,167 --> 00:27:15,067
YOU KNOW, HE GOES IN FRONT
OF A WHOLE ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE,
615
00:27:15,067 --> 00:27:17,167
AND HE SAYS, "I AM A ALCOHOLIC,"
YOU KNOW?
616
00:27:17,167 --> 00:27:20,667
WHICH I KNOW DOES NOT SOUND
THAT ANONYMOUS.
617
00:27:20,667 --> 00:27:22,300
BUT...
618
00:27:22,300 --> 00:27:26,067
I DIDN'T
NAME THE GROUP, BUT...
619
00:27:26,067 --> 00:27:29,300
SOUNDS LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE
OF ANONYMOUS.
620
00:27:29,300 --> 00:27:31,067
WHATEVER.
621
00:27:33,933 --> 00:27:36,067
LIKE, TO ME,
THE ALCOHOLICS THAT--
622
00:27:36,067 --> 00:27:38,933
YOU KNOW, THE ANONYMOUS
ALCOHOLICS TO ME
623
00:27:38,933 --> 00:27:42,067
WOULD BE LIKE YOU GUYS.
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, I...
624
00:27:42,067 --> 00:27:44,667
I CAN'T TELL.
YOU KNOW?
625
00:27:44,667 --> 00:27:48,300
BUT ONCE YOU TELL A WHOLE
CHURCH BASEMENT FULL OF PEOPLE,
626
00:27:48,300 --> 00:27:50,800
YOUR COVER'S
PRETTY WELL BLOWN.
627
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:52,167
BUT, UH...
628
00:27:52,167 --> 00:27:54,833
ANYWAYS, IT STILL REQUIRES
A LOT OF...
629
00:27:54,833 --> 00:27:56,800
THE ONLY THING THEY SEEM
TO BE ANONYMOUS ABOUT,
630
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,233
FROM THE WAY
I CAN GATHER IT,
631
00:27:58,233 --> 00:28:00,667
IS THEY WON'T TELL YOU
THEIR LAST NAMES.
632
00:28:00,667 --> 00:28:02,367
ANYTHING ELSE GOES,
YOU KNOW?
633
00:28:02,367 --> 00:28:05,167
BUT, UH, NOT THE LAST NAME.
OH, NO.
634
00:28:05,167 --> 00:28:06,600
SOMETIMES,
THEY'LL SAY THE FIRST--
635
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:08,433
LIKE THEY'LL GO, "I AM RICHIE,
AND I AM A ALCOHOLIC."
636
00:28:08,433 --> 00:28:09,667
OR THE FIRST INITIAL.
637
00:28:09,667 --> 00:28:12,067
THEY'LL SAY, "HI, MY NAME
IS RICHIE K.,
638
00:28:12,067 --> 00:28:13,233
AND I AM A ALCOHOLIC."
639
00:28:13,233 --> 00:28:14,367
THEN ANYTHING GOES.
640
00:28:14,367 --> 00:28:17,100
THEY'RE LIKE, "AH HA HA,
ONE TIME I, UH,
641
00:28:17,100 --> 00:28:20,367
"I REMEMBER I WAS UNDER THE
INFLUENCE OF THE DEMON RUM,
642
00:28:20,367 --> 00:28:22,700
"AND, UH...
643
00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:28,367
"BY GOD I STARTED PUNCHING
MY NEWBORN IN THE FACE.
644
00:28:28,367 --> 00:28:32,100
"AH HA, YEAH, IT WAS...
645
00:28:32,100 --> 00:28:33,700
"THEN I LOOKED DOWN
AT MY FIST,
646
00:28:33,700 --> 00:28:36,233
"AND IT WAS ALL BLOODY
WITH, UH...
647
00:28:36,233 --> 00:28:37,267
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
648
00:28:37,267 --> 00:28:38,767
"IT WAS EITHER
FROM MY KNUCKLES
649
00:28:38,767 --> 00:28:42,367
"OR MY SON'S SKULL.
650
00:28:42,367 --> 00:28:45,067
"YEAH.
651
00:28:45,067 --> 00:28:46,900
"I'M NOT TELLING YOU
MY LAST NAME.
652
00:28:46,900 --> 00:28:49,233
"THAT'S...
653
00:28:49,233 --> 00:28:51,367
"THAT'S NONE
OF YOUR BEESWAX.
654
00:28:51,367 --> 00:28:53,367
"AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
655
00:28:53,367 --> 00:28:57,367
"A MAN SHOULD HAVE A LITTLE,
YOU KNOW...
656
00:28:57,367 --> 00:28:58,733
"DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT THE TIME
657
00:28:58,733 --> 00:29:00,967
"I BLEW A DOG
FOR A PINT OF GIN?
658
00:29:00,967 --> 00:29:02,833
"I EVER TELL YOU THAT STORY?
659
00:29:02,833 --> 00:29:04,967
OH, YEAH, I TOLD--
I DID TELL YOU THAT ONE?"
660
00:29:07,267 --> 00:29:10,433
"FIRST INITIAL'S 'K,'
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT MUCH.
661
00:29:10,433 --> 00:29:15,067
"RICHIE K., BUT I'M NOT GONNA
TELL YOU THE LAST LETTERS.
662
00:29:15,067 --> 00:29:16,333
"PLUS, YOU CAN
MEMORIZE MY FACE.
663
00:29:16,333 --> 00:29:18,767
"BUT OTHER THAN THAT...
664
00:29:18,767 --> 00:29:22,167
"I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP THIS
COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS.
665
00:29:22,167 --> 00:29:23,900
IF THERE WAS JUST A WAY
I COULD..."
666
00:29:28,733 --> 00:29:30,700
AND WHAT BETTER WAY
TO KEEP A SECRET,
667
00:29:30,700 --> 00:29:31,900
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
668
00:29:31,900 --> 00:29:36,067
THAN TELL A ROOM
FULL OF DRUNKS?
669
00:29:36,067 --> 00:29:37,867
THAT'S NOT GOING ANYPLACE,
YOU KNOW.
670
00:29:40,633 --> 00:29:42,067
SOON AS THE GUY
HAS A RELAPSE,
671
00:29:42,067 --> 00:29:44,833
"HEY, RICHIE BLEW A DOG
FOR A PINT OF GIN.
672
00:29:44,833 --> 00:29:48,233
HE TOLD
A WHOLE BUNCH OF US."
673
00:29:48,233 --> 00:29:51,100
ALL RIGHT.
674
00:29:51,100 --> 00:29:52,867
I MEAN, I UNDERSTAND,
THE DOG HAD SOME GIN.
675
00:29:52,867 --> 00:29:54,500
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
676
00:29:54,500 --> 00:29:57,200
"OH, YEAH, RICHIE K.
YOU KNOW RICHIE K.?"
677
00:30:03,433 --> 00:30:06,300
BUT I DON'T DRINK MYSELF,
YOU KNOW.
678
00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:08,133
IT'S NOT 'CAUSE I'M NO BIG--
I'M JUST AFRAID.
679
00:30:08,133 --> 00:30:09,867
YOU KNOW, I FEAR EVERYTHING,
YOU KNOW.
680
00:30:09,867 --> 00:30:12,533
AND, UH, SO I'M AFRAID TO
AND STUFF.
681
00:30:12,533 --> 00:30:14,633
BUT, UM...I USED TO.
682
00:30:14,633 --> 00:30:15,700
NOW I DON'T DRINK,
683
00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:17,433
AND WHEN YOU'RE
WITH PEOPLE THAT DRINK,
684
00:30:17,433 --> 00:30:18,700
IT DOESN'T WORK OUT.
685
00:30:18,700 --> 00:30:20,700
THAT'S WHY
THAT DESIGNATED DRIVER THING
686
00:30:20,700 --> 00:30:22,100
I DON'T THINK
EVER WORKED OUT.
687
00:30:22,100 --> 00:30:23,700
I SEE ADS
FOR IT AGAIN,
688
00:30:23,700 --> 00:30:25,767
LIKE, YOU KNOW, TRYING
TO RESURRECT THAT IDEA,
689
00:30:25,767 --> 00:30:30,867
BUT IT'S KIND
OF A FLAWED NOTION, YOU KNOW?
690
00:30:30,867 --> 00:30:32,767
IT'S LIKE,
"HEY, BILL, LISTEN,
691
00:30:32,767 --> 00:30:35,167
"WE WERE WONDERING
IF YOU'D COME OUT WITH US.
692
00:30:35,167 --> 00:30:36,900
HERE'S THE IDEA."
693
00:30:39,333 --> 00:30:41,800
"WE WANT TO GO OUT
AND DRINK,
694
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,867
"AND THEN WE WERE HOPING
YOU'D COME WITH US
695
00:30:43,867 --> 00:30:46,067
"AND NOT DRINK.
696
00:30:46,067 --> 00:30:47,933
"HOW'S THAT SOUND TO YOU?
697
00:30:47,933 --> 00:30:51,433
"WE'RE GONNA GO TO A BUNCH
OF DIFFERENT BARS AND DRINK,
698
00:30:51,433 --> 00:30:55,400
"AND THEN YOU'D COME WITH US
AND NOT DRINK.
699
00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,000
"ALSO, WE'RE
NOT GONNA BE DRIVING.
700
00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:02,333
"YOU'RE GONNA PICK US UP
AT OUR DIFFERENT HOUSES,
701
00:31:02,333 --> 00:31:04,800
"GO TO A BUNCH OF BARS,
702
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:06,900
"NOT DRINK WHILE WE DRINK,
703
00:31:06,900 --> 00:31:08,133
"AND THEN DRIVE US ALL HOME.
704
00:31:08,133 --> 00:31:10,067
"HOW'S THAT SOUND TO YOU?
HOW'S--
705
00:31:10,067 --> 00:31:11,800
HOW'S THAT CATCH YOU?"
706
00:31:13,567 --> 00:31:15,600
GUY'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW,
WHAT'S THE CATCH?
707
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,167
IT SOUNDS TOO GOOD."
708
00:31:19,700 --> 00:31:21,400
"IS THERE SOME SORT OF..."
709
00:31:26,067 --> 00:31:27,700
BUT I DON'T DRINK,
AND IF YOU DON'T DRINK,
710
00:31:27,700 --> 00:31:29,967
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
BARS ARE NOT A LOT OF FUN,
711
00:31:29,967 --> 00:31:32,600
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
712
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:34,700
FUCKIN' ALL--
YOU KNOW, ALL IT IS
713
00:31:34,700 --> 00:31:37,767
IS YOU'RE JUST SITTING AT
A BIG OAK TABLE FOR FOUR HOURS.
714
00:31:37,767 --> 00:31:39,133
IT'S NOT...
715
00:31:39,133 --> 00:31:41,667
THAT'S NOT FUN
UNLESS YOU'RE DRUNK.
716
00:31:45,067 --> 00:31:47,067
AND THEN EVERYBODY ELSE'LL
BE DRINKING,
717
00:31:47,067 --> 00:31:48,333
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
718
00:31:48,333 --> 00:31:50,733
SO THEIR FUN IS GOING
UP AND UP AND UP, YOU KNOW.
719
00:31:50,733 --> 00:31:53,067
IT'S RISING.
THEIR FUN IS ESCALATING,
720
00:31:53,067 --> 00:31:56,933
WHILE YOUR FUN
IS STAYING EXACTLY THE SAME.
721
00:31:56,933 --> 00:31:58,467
AND THEN BY THE END
OF THE NIGHT,
722
00:31:58,467 --> 00:32:00,633
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THE FUCK THEY'RE LAUGHING ABOUT.
723
00:32:00,633 --> 00:32:03,900
JUST EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING.
724
00:32:03,900 --> 00:32:05,700
AND THEN THEY START
RESENTING YOU FOR IT.
725
00:32:05,700 --> 00:32:07,100
I'VE SEEN THAT, MAN.
726
00:32:07,100 --> 00:32:10,900
DRUNK PEOPLE DO NOT WANT
A NOT-DRUNK GUY THERE.
727
00:32:10,900 --> 00:32:13,467
I KNOW THAT.
I'VE BEEN THERE SO MANY TIMES.
728
00:32:13,467 --> 00:32:14,933
IT ALWAYS ENDS THE SAME.
729
00:32:14,933 --> 00:32:16,067
GUY COMES UP TO YOU, GOES,
730
00:32:16,067 --> 00:32:19,900
"HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
731
00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:22,467
"CHEER UP.
732
00:32:22,467 --> 00:32:24,967
AHH!"
733
00:32:27,667 --> 00:32:31,900
THEN YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, NOW
I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME, TOO.
734
00:32:31,900 --> 00:32:36,700
"DON'T TAKE A WILD SWING
AT ME WHEN I'M NOT LOOKING.
735
00:32:36,700 --> 00:32:40,533
"I'LL BE DRIVING YOU HOME
LATER.
736
00:32:40,533 --> 00:32:42,433
THIS IS A LOT OF FUN."
737
00:32:47,167 --> 00:32:50,067
WORST THING ABOUT
NOT DRINKING IS, UH,
738
00:32:50,067 --> 00:32:51,500
IS--IS SEX.
739
00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:52,900
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE DRINKING,
740
00:32:52,900 --> 00:32:54,600
YOU CAN MEET A GIRL,
SHE'D BE DRUNK,
741
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,600
AND THAT VERY NIGHT YOU CAN
HAVE SEX WITH HER,
742
00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:01,067
CALLED A ONE-NIGHT STAND.
NOW...
743
00:33:01,067 --> 00:33:02,533
IF YOU'RE NOT DRINKING--
744
00:33:02,533 --> 00:33:04,667
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER
HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND
745
00:33:04,667 --> 00:33:08,233
DEAD, CLEAN SOBER...
746
00:33:08,233 --> 00:33:11,200
BUT I HAVE.
747
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:14,267
AND IT'S NOT A LOT OF FUN.
748
00:33:15,867 --> 00:33:17,400
GET BACK TO YOUR APARTMENT,
YOU'RE LIKE,
749
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:21,267
"ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'LL TAKE MY
TROUSERS OFF NOW, MA'AM, AND...
750
00:33:21,267 --> 00:33:23,067
"NO, I WON'T.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
751
00:33:23,067 --> 00:33:25,667
"WELL, GOOD-BYE.
IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
752
00:33:25,667 --> 00:33:26,767
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS THINKING.
753
00:33:26,767 --> 00:33:28,900
"WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS.
754
00:33:28,900 --> 00:33:32,533
"ONCE AGAIN, I APOLOGIZE
FOR THE TROUSERS INCIDENT.
755
00:33:32,533 --> 00:33:35,233
VERY NICE TO MEET YOU."
756
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:40,900
BECAUSE BOOZE SOMEHOW--
I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS.
757
00:33:40,900 --> 00:33:42,800
BUT IT'S SOME MAGIC ELIXIR
758
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,867
WHERE IT TAKES AWAY THE--
759
00:33:44,867 --> 00:33:47,600
IT MAKES YOU THINK THAT SEX
IS NOT A DIRTY,
760
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:50,367
FILTHY, SHAMEFUL THING.
761
00:33:50,367 --> 00:33:53,267
I DON'T KNOW HOW IT DOES IT,
BUT IT DOES IT.
762
00:33:53,267 --> 00:33:55,333
AND, UH, IN REGULAR LIFE,
763
00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:57,367
THAT'S WHY SEX IS SO TOUGH
TO GET GOING,
764
00:33:57,367 --> 00:34:01,767
BECAUSE IT'S SO SHAMEFUL
AND FILTHY, AND, UH...
765
00:34:01,767 --> 00:34:04,333
OBVIOUSLY MEANT ONLY
FOR PROCREATION.
766
00:34:04,333 --> 00:34:06,967
SO WHEN YOU GET--
WHEN YOU GET--
767
00:34:06,967 --> 00:34:09,067
WHEN YOU DO IT,
YOU KNOW--
768
00:34:09,067 --> 00:34:10,433
AND MY FRIEND WAS LIKE,
"OH, THERE'S NOTHING
769
00:34:10,433 --> 00:34:11,533
SHAMEFUL ABOUT SEX."
770
00:34:11,533 --> 00:34:12,800
BUT I WAS LIKE,
"OF COURSE THERE IS."
771
00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:14,633
ON ACCOUNT OF I THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU DO BEFORE SEX,
772
00:34:14,633 --> 00:34:16,067
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE YOU--
773
00:34:16,067 --> 00:34:18,767
YOU TAKE THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK
AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT.
774
00:34:18,767 --> 00:34:20,200
YOU MAKE SURE THE KIDS
AREN'T AROUND OR WHATEVER.
775
00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:23,367
YOU KNOW?
YOU PULL THE BLINDS DOWN, RIGHT?
776
00:34:23,367 --> 00:34:27,367
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S SHAME.
777
00:34:27,367 --> 00:34:30,667
THAT'S WHAT BLINDS
WERE MADE FOR.
778
00:34:30,667 --> 00:34:33,867
PULL DOWN, SHAME.
779
00:34:33,867 --> 00:34:35,500
YOU DON'T
PULL THE BLINDS DOWN
780
00:34:35,500 --> 00:34:37,400
WHEN YOU'RE MAKING
A NICE CHERRY PIE
781
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:40,500
FOR OLD WIDOW HAMILTON, HUH?
782
00:34:40,500 --> 00:34:43,067
I NOTICE THEY STAY UP
FOR THAT.
783
00:34:46,500 --> 00:34:48,733
POOR OLD WIDOW HAMILTON.
784
00:34:52,067 --> 00:34:54,600
HER OSTEOARTHRITIS NOW
HAS BECOME SO BAD--
785
00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:57,400
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW
WIDOW HAMILTON, BUT, UH...
786
00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:02,100
REALLY, HER ONLY JOY
IN THE LATER YEARS
787
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,367
HAS BECOME HER PIES,
AND, UH...
788
00:35:04,367 --> 00:35:06,500
HER OSTEOARTHRITIS
HAS BECOME SO BAD,
789
00:35:06,500 --> 00:35:08,467
SHE CAN'T KNEAD ANYMORE.
790
00:35:08,467 --> 00:35:10,900
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO KNEAD.
791
00:35:10,900 --> 00:35:14,167
SHE'S NOW LOST HER ABILITY
TO KNEAD.
792
00:35:14,167 --> 00:35:15,767
ANYWAYS...
793
00:35:15,767 --> 00:35:19,100
NO, I'M JUST SAYING, I DON'T
WANT TO BOAST OR ANYTHING,
794
00:35:19,100 --> 00:35:20,367
BUT IF IT WASN'T FOR ME
795
00:35:20,367 --> 00:35:22,200
AND SOME OF THE OTHER MEMBERS
OF THE COMMUNITY,
796
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:26,667
I DON'T KNOW IF THE OLD BIRD
WOULD STILL BE WITH US.
797
00:35:26,667 --> 00:35:28,933
BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS,
798
00:35:28,933 --> 00:35:32,567
SEX IS A FILTHY,
SHAMEFUL THING.
799
00:35:32,567 --> 00:35:34,233
AND...
800
00:35:34,233 --> 00:35:36,367
LIKE, ALL RIGHT,
ONE TIME, I READ THIS.
801
00:35:36,367 --> 00:35:39,100
THIS IS A THING I READ,
UH, UH, BY A SCIENTIST.
802
00:35:39,100 --> 00:35:42,200
IT WAS IN ONE OF THOSE
BIG SCIENCE BOOKS, YOU KNOW?
803
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:44,200
OR ELSE IT WAS ONE LINE
IN USA TODAY.
804
00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:47,067
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
BUT...
805
00:35:47,067 --> 00:35:49,200
BUT IT SAID THIS.
IT SAID,
806
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:51,200
"SCIENTISTS NOW SAY
807
00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:57,067
THAT A MAN THINKS ABOUT SEX
ONCE EVERY 7.3 SECONDS."
808
00:35:57,067 --> 00:35:58,267
NOW...
809
00:35:58,267 --> 00:36:00,633
NOW, OF COURSE,
THAT'S HORSESHIT.
810
00:36:00,633 --> 00:36:04,133
LIKE, HOW COULD THAT
POSSIBLY BE, YOU KNOW?
811
00:36:04,133 --> 00:36:05,333
YOU COULDN'T WALK
DOWN THE STREET,
812
00:36:05,333 --> 00:36:09,833
"UH, COCK, PUSSY, ASS."
813
00:36:09,833 --> 00:36:11,533
YOU KNOW, YOU'D BLOW
YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF
814
00:36:11,533 --> 00:36:13,600
BY THE SECOND DAY.
815
00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:15,700
AND, ALSO, I AM A MAN.
816
00:36:15,700 --> 00:36:18,400
I DON'T NEED NO SCIENTIST
TELLING ME NOTHIN'.
817
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:22,267
I KNOW WHAT I THINK
ONCE EVERY 7.3 SECONDS.
818
00:36:22,267 --> 00:36:26,767
PLUS, I DON'T LIKE WHEN
THEY USE DECIMALS LIKE THAT.
819
00:36:26,767 --> 00:36:28,733
YOU KNOW,
GUY COULD HAVE SAID
820
00:36:28,733 --> 00:36:30,367
ONCE EVERY 10 OR 15 SECONDS.
821
00:36:30,367 --> 00:36:33,300
YOU KNOW, HE HAD
TO PROVE HE WAS A SCIENTIST.
822
00:36:33,300 --> 00:36:34,667
BUT ANYWAYS,
823
00:36:34,667 --> 00:36:37,600
I KNOW WHAT I THINK
ONCE EVERY 7.3 SECONDS.
824
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:39,300
I'LL JUST BE WALKING
DOWN THE STREET, YOU KNOW.
825
00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:40,467
YOU JUST, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE LIKE,
826
00:36:40,467 --> 00:36:41,700
"DOODLEY DO.
HEY, THERE'S A BUILDING.
827
00:36:41,700 --> 00:36:43,067
"DOO DOO DOO DEE.
828
00:36:43,067 --> 00:36:44,167
"HEY, LOOK AT THAT.
829
00:36:44,167 --> 00:36:45,467
"GUY WEARING COWBOY BOOTS
OVER THERE.
830
00:36:45,467 --> 00:36:48,067
"HOW 'BOUT THAT? HUH.
831
00:36:48,067 --> 00:36:52,233
"DOODLEY DOO. WONDER IF I
SHOULD WEAR COWBOY BOOTS.
832
00:36:52,233 --> 00:36:55,067
"NAH, I'M TOO OLD
FOR THAT STUFF.
833
00:36:55,067 --> 00:36:57,600
"OH, THERE'S
THAT BUILDING AGAIN.
834
00:36:57,600 --> 00:36:59,400
"DOODLEY DOO.
835
00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:03,300
"HEY, MY ASS IS ITCHY
OVER HERE.
836
00:37:03,300 --> 00:37:07,133
"I CAN'T SCRATCH MY ASS
OUT HERE IN THE STREET.
837
00:37:07,133 --> 00:37:10,167
"HEY, WILLIE NELSON
STILL WEARS COWBOY BOOTS.
838
00:37:10,167 --> 00:37:12,100
"BILLY JOE SHAVER, TOO.
839
00:37:12,100 --> 00:37:16,333
THOSE FELLAS MUST BE
WELL NIGH THREESCORE AND TEN."
840
00:37:16,333 --> 00:37:18,933
ANYWAY, IT'S JUST A BUNCH
OF MEANINGLESS GIBBERISH.
841
00:37:18,933 --> 00:37:20,067
THAT'S MY POINT.
842
00:37:20,067 --> 00:37:22,533
BUT IT'S NOT SEX.
843
00:37:22,533 --> 00:37:25,433
AND THEN, THE REAL TIME--
844
00:37:25,433 --> 00:37:27,533
THIS IS THE AMOUNT OF TIME
THAT YOU THINK ABOUT SEX.
845
00:37:27,533 --> 00:37:30,067
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
846
00:37:30,067 --> 00:37:32,133
WHICH IS...
NOT A SCIEN--
847
00:37:32,133 --> 00:37:35,267
SCIENTISTS DON'T LIKE
THAT TERM.
848
00:37:35,267 --> 00:37:37,500
BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
849
00:37:37,500 --> 00:37:40,333
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, I THINK ABOUT IT
850
00:37:40,333 --> 00:37:41,367
EVERY COUPLE DAYS.
851
00:37:41,367 --> 00:37:42,367
OR IF YOU'RE A YOUNGER MAN,
852
00:37:42,367 --> 00:37:43,467
YOU PROBABLY
THINK ABOUT IT MORE.
853
00:37:43,467 --> 00:37:44,467
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
854
00:37:44,467 --> 00:37:45,767
BUT THEN
THE PROBLEM BECOMES,
855
00:37:45,767 --> 00:37:47,067
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
856
00:37:47,067 --> 00:37:48,100
IT'S ALL
YOU CAN THINK ABOUT.
857
00:37:48,100 --> 00:37:49,200
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
858
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,233
IT JUST ENCOMPASSES
YOUR WHOLE BRAIN.
859
00:37:51,233 --> 00:37:53,400
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST LIKE,
"AAH!"
860
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:54,767
YOU'RE LIKE A--
861
00:37:54,767 --> 00:37:58,333
LIKE A FUCKING WEREWOLF
OR SOMETHING, LIKE...
862
00:37:58,333 --> 00:38:00,767
USUALLY, YOU'RE A CIVILIZED
HUMAN BEING.
863
00:38:00,767 --> 00:38:03,233
BUT THEN EVERY COUPLE DAYS,
YOU'RE LIKE, "AH HAH...
864
00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:06,767
AH HAH."
865
00:38:06,767 --> 00:38:09,400
AND THEN YOU GOTTA
CLOSE THE BLINDS, YOU KNOW?
866
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:10,467
AND THEN...
867
00:38:10,467 --> 00:38:13,567
[cheers and applause]
"AGH AHH...
868
00:38:13,567 --> 00:38:15,700
"AHH, THE BEDROOM.
GOTTA GO BACK TO THE BEDROOM.
869
00:38:15,700 --> 00:38:18,567
AGH, TAKE A LADY
BACK THERE. AGH."
870
00:38:18,567 --> 00:38:20,267
AND THEN YOU GO
TO YOUR BEDROOM,
871
00:38:20,267 --> 00:38:22,267
WHICH NORMALLY,
I LOVE THE BEDROOM.
872
00:38:22,267 --> 00:38:24,867
IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE
WHERE YOU CAN, YOU KNOW,
873
00:38:24,867 --> 00:38:29,633
FINALLY ESCAPE THIS HELLISH JOKE
WE CALL A LIFE, AND JUST...
874
00:38:29,633 --> 00:38:31,600
YOU KNOW, LIE ON YOUR
TEMPUR-PEDIC PILLOW
875
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:33,167
AND, UH...
876
00:38:33,167 --> 00:38:35,867
DREAM OF JELLY ROLLS
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
877
00:38:35,867 --> 00:38:38,133
BUT NOT WHEN YOU'RE IN THIS
STATE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
878
00:38:38,133 --> 00:38:39,633
THEN YOU GO IN,
YOU'RE LIKE, "AAGHH!"
879
00:38:39,633 --> 00:38:42,467
AND THE THINGS THAT YOU DO
IN THAT BEDROOM...
880
00:38:42,467 --> 00:38:44,600
GOOD LORD GOD, IT'S--
881
00:38:44,600 --> 00:38:47,067
IT'S BEYOND THE IMAGINATION
882
00:38:47,067 --> 00:38:49,567
OF YOU AS A CIVILIZED
HUMAN BEING MOST OF THE TIME.
883
00:38:49,567 --> 00:38:51,067
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU'RE LIKE,
884
00:38:51,067 --> 00:38:52,733
"AAHH! AAGH!
885
00:38:52,733 --> 00:38:54,600
"RAHR AH HAH!
886
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:58,200
AGHH!"
YOUR FUCKING MIND'S GONE.
887
00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:03,067
YOUR MIND IS GONE.
THAT'S ALL I KNOW.
888
00:39:03,067 --> 00:39:06,233
YOU EVER ACTUALLY
SAY THINGS THAT YOU'RE DOING?
889
00:39:06,233 --> 00:39:07,767
YOUR MIND'S FUCKING SO GONE,
YOU'RE LIKE,
890
00:39:07,767 --> 00:39:10,133
"I AM FUCKING YOU!
AAAH!
891
00:39:10,133 --> 00:39:13,500
MY COCK IS GOING--
AHH HAH!"
892
00:39:18,733 --> 00:39:22,700
AND THE LADY'S LIKE,
"YEAH, I KNOW, WHATEVER."
893
00:39:22,700 --> 00:39:24,167
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT."
894
00:39:27,733 --> 00:39:29,733
LADIES DON'T HAVE
THAT "AAGH" THING.
895
00:39:29,733 --> 00:39:31,233
THEY'RE--
THEY'RE MORE ELEVATED.
896
00:39:31,233 --> 00:39:33,800
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY--
I CAN'T SPEAK FOR LADIES.
897
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,067
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE FUCK THEY DO...
898
00:39:36,067 --> 00:39:37,933
IN THE BEDROOM.
899
00:39:37,933 --> 00:39:39,233
I THINK THEY JUST
TRY AND MAKE A NOISE
900
00:39:39,233 --> 00:39:40,633
THEY THINK YOU WILL LIKE,
YOU KNOW?
901
00:39:40,633 --> 00:39:42,267
THAT'S ABOUT...
902
00:39:42,267 --> 00:39:43,967
THEY'RE LIKE, UH,
"WHOO! HOW'S THAT?"
903
00:39:43,967 --> 00:39:46,300
YOU'RE LIKE,
"YEAH, THAT'S FINE. AAAGH!"
904
00:39:51,233 --> 00:39:55,933
BUT...GIRLS DON'T
HAVE THE SAME THING.
905
00:39:55,933 --> 00:39:59,100
YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN
REALLY KNOW THAT,
906
00:39:59,100 --> 00:40:01,633
IS, YOU EVER BE HAVING SEX
WITH A LADY, THE PHONE RINGS?
907
00:40:01,633 --> 00:40:03,633
LADY CAN ANSWER THE PHONE.
908
00:40:03,633 --> 00:40:05,367
WHILST YOU'RE HAVING SEX.
909
00:40:05,367 --> 00:40:06,900
SHE'S LIKE,
"OOH, YES, THAT'S GOOD.
910
00:40:06,900 --> 00:40:08,433
WHATEVER THAT IS.
AHH."
911
00:40:08,433 --> 00:40:10,533
AND THEN THE PHONE RINGS.
SHE'S LIKE, "HELLO?"
912
00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:13,167
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "AAGH."
913
00:40:13,167 --> 00:40:15,133
JUST...SHE'S LIKE,
"OH, HI, MARCIE.
914
00:40:15,133 --> 00:40:18,633
"WHAT'S GOING ON?
915
00:40:18,633 --> 00:40:22,633
[scoffs] "WELL, YOU'RE
NOT GONNA GET IT BACK.
916
00:40:22,633 --> 00:40:26,633
"BECAUSE IT'S SHIRLEY.
917
00:40:26,633 --> 00:40:29,167
"WELL, DON'T--
NO, IT'S NOT YOU, HONEY.
918
00:40:29,167 --> 00:40:34,367
"IT'S--
YOU'RE TOO GOOD, IT'S...
919
00:40:34,367 --> 00:40:37,133
"DON'T YOU REMEMBER
THE BLOUSE?
920
00:40:37,133 --> 00:40:39,367
"LOOK, SWEETIE,
I'M ON YOUR SIDE.
921
00:40:39,367 --> 00:40:41,367
"I'LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW.
WE'LL HAVE A, UH,
922
00:40:41,367 --> 00:40:43,867
"WE'LL GO TO LUNCH,
HAVE A, UH...
923
00:40:43,867 --> 00:40:46,300
ENDIVE SALAD."
WHATEVER THE FUCK.
924
00:40:46,300 --> 00:40:48,267
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT LADIES EAT.
925
00:40:48,267 --> 00:40:50,033
AND THEN THEY CAN GO BACK,
YOU KNOW, AND GO, "GO AHEAD."
926
00:40:50,033 --> 00:40:51,200
YOU KNOW,
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "AGH!"
927
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:54,533
BUT...THE POINT IS,
A GUY COULD NEVER--
928
00:40:54,533 --> 00:40:56,100
THE GUY WOULD NEVER
ANSWER THE PHONE.
929
00:40:56,100 --> 00:40:57,500
IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE,
YOU KNOW?
930
00:40:57,500 --> 00:40:58,667
YOU CAN BE LIKE, "AAH!"
THE DING-DING.
931
00:40:58,667 --> 00:41:00,367
"AHH! HELLO?
AHH!
932
00:41:00,367 --> 00:41:02,867
"OH, YEAH. HEY, FRANK,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
933
00:41:02,867 --> 00:41:04,867
"YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT SHIRT.
WHAT? I'M ABOUT TO--
934
00:41:04,867 --> 00:41:07,333
I GOTTA GO!
AAGH!"
935
00:41:07,333 --> 00:41:09,700
YOU KNOW.
936
00:41:09,700 --> 00:41:13,867
FRANK'S CLEARLY NOT GETTING
HIS SHIRT BACK, BUT...
937
00:41:13,867 --> 00:41:15,867
YOU GOT NO TIME FOR IT,
YOU KNOW?
938
00:41:15,867 --> 00:41:17,633
YOU GOT--
YOUR HEAD'S GONE.
939
00:41:21,333 --> 00:41:24,400
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOU
KNOW SEX IS THE MOST SHAMEFUL,
940
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:26,067
WHEN YOU FEEL IT THE MOST,
941
00:41:26,067 --> 00:41:30,067
IS A MOMENT AFTER SEX...
942
00:41:30,067 --> 00:41:34,433
THE MOMENT, THE SMALLEST
AMOUNT OF TIME IN PHYSICS,
943
00:41:34,433 --> 00:41:37,067
THE MOMENT RIGHT AFTER SEX.
944
00:41:37,067 --> 00:41:39,667
THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE JUST
A VESSEL OF SHAME, YOU KNOW?
945
00:41:39,667 --> 00:41:41,300
IT'S LIKE...YOU'RE JUST
LYING THERE LIKE,
946
00:41:41,300 --> 00:41:43,967
[whimpers]
947
00:41:43,967 --> 00:41:47,267
"WELL, THAT WAS ODD, HUH?"
948
00:41:47,267 --> 00:41:49,067
[chuckles]
949
00:41:49,067 --> 00:41:52,333
"I GUESS I'LL GO GET SOME SOUR
CREAM AND ONION CHIPS NOW IF..."
950
00:41:55,133 --> 00:41:58,200
"I'D PREFER IF WE NEVER
SPOKE OF THIS AGAIN.
951
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:00,167
WOULD THAT BE OKAY?"
952
00:42:03,900 --> 00:42:05,900
THAT'S WHY I NEVER
UNDERSTOOD GUYS
953
00:42:05,900 --> 00:42:07,300
THAT ADD MORE SHAME TO IT.
954
00:42:07,300 --> 00:42:08,333
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
955
00:42:08,333 --> 00:42:09,900
AS IF IT'S NOT
SHAMEFUL ENOUGH,
956
00:42:09,900 --> 00:42:12,567
SOME PEOPLE WILL PILE ON MORE
SHAME, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
957
00:42:12,567 --> 00:42:14,700
LIKE YOU EVER READ ABOUT
THOSE GUYS, LIKE THEY'LL...
958
00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:16,567
WEAR A RUBBER SUIT
OF SOME FUCKING THING.
959
00:42:16,567 --> 00:42:18,500
AND A LADY'LL
WHIP THEIR BALLS,
960
00:42:18,500 --> 00:42:19,900
OR I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE FUCK.
961
00:42:19,900 --> 00:42:22,667
BUT...IT ALL ENDS UP
THE SAME, YOU KNOW.
962
00:42:22,667 --> 00:42:24,367
YOU'RE STILL LIKE,
"HEH HEH HEH."
963
00:42:24,367 --> 00:42:26,700
BUT NOW YOU GOT
A CRAZY GETUP ON.
964
00:42:28,533 --> 00:42:30,900
"ALL RIGHT, THEN.
965
00:42:30,900 --> 00:42:35,133
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TURN ON
MATLOCK, AND, UH...
966
00:42:35,133 --> 00:42:38,433
"I'LL TAKE THESE
RUBBER TROUSERS OFF AND...
967
00:42:38,433 --> 00:42:40,167
PUT THOSE IN THE HAMPER."
968
00:42:46,833 --> 00:42:50,533
SO I'M VERY ASHAMED OF SEX
AND EVERYTHING.
969
00:42:50,533 --> 00:42:51,767
SOME PEOPLE
ARE PROUD OF IT, THOUGH.
970
00:42:51,767 --> 00:42:54,400
I HAVE MET GUYS THAT ARE
PROUD OF THEIR SEXUAL,
971
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:55,900
LIKE, PROWESS.
972
00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:58,633
YOU EVER HEAR THAT WORD?
I READ THAT ONCE.
973
00:42:58,633 --> 00:43:01,767
IT'S, UH, IT MEANS LIKE,
HOW GOOD THEY ARE AT SEX.
974
00:43:01,767 --> 00:43:03,600
THEY'LL PRA--
BRAG ABOUT IT.
975
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:05,533
THEY'LL GO, "I'LL TELL YOU,
MAN, WHAT I'M GOOD AT
976
00:43:05,533 --> 00:43:07,767
IS, YOU KNOW,
FUCKIN' AND SUCKIN'."
977
00:43:10,533 --> 00:43:13,200
SEEMS LIKE THE ODDEST
THING, YOU KNOW.
978
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:15,567
'CAUSE HOW HARD IS SEX?
979
00:43:15,567 --> 00:43:17,567
YOU KNOW, IT'S ONE
OF THE EASIEST THINGS
980
00:43:17,567 --> 00:43:18,767
THAT YOU COULD--
981
00:43:18,767 --> 00:43:22,500
IT'S NOT LIKE DARTS
OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW.
982
00:43:22,500 --> 00:43:25,467
HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED DARTS?
IT'S LIKE, "AH, WHAT?
983
00:43:25,467 --> 00:43:27,933
"TRIPLE? I CAN'T--
984
00:43:27,933 --> 00:43:32,200
I KEEP GETTING FOUR."
985
00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:33,667
I DON'T KNOW, BUT...
986
00:43:33,667 --> 00:43:36,867
SEX COULDN'T BE SIMPLER.
987
00:43:36,867 --> 00:43:39,200
HEY, THERE'S ONLY LIKE
FIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO
988
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,600
IN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING.
989
00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:42,400
YOU KNOW?
990
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:43,867
YOU EVER THINK
YOU INVENTED A SIXTH?
991
00:43:43,867 --> 00:43:46,100
YOU'RE LIKE,
"WHAT ABOUT THIS? AAGH!"
992
00:43:48,067 --> 00:43:49,967
THEN LATER, YOU GO,
"AH, IN ALL HUMILITY,
993
00:43:49,967 --> 00:43:52,533
I GUESS THAT WAS
PRETTY CLOSE TO NUMBER FIVE."
994
00:43:58,533 --> 00:43:59,800
YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY--
995
00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:02,067
YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY
PROUD OF THEIR SEX?
996
00:44:02,067 --> 00:44:06,167
YOU EVER HEAR GUYS WITH
SMALL COCKS TALK ABOUT IT?
997
00:44:06,167 --> 00:44:07,900
SMALL COCK GUYS.
THEM GUYS.
998
00:44:07,900 --> 00:44:11,067
HOLY LORD.
CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT ENOUGH.
999
00:44:11,067 --> 00:44:13,200
THEY EVEN GOT POEMS.
YOU KNOW, THEY'LL SAY,
1000
00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:15,767
"AH, IT'S NOT THE MOTION
OF THE OCEAN,
1001
00:44:15,767 --> 00:44:17,700
IT'S THE BOAT
OF THE LOTION."
1002
00:44:17,700 --> 00:44:19,167
I DON'T KNOW.
1003
00:44:19,167 --> 00:44:21,900
I DON'T KNOW THE--I DON'T
MEMORIZE THE POEMS.
1004
00:44:21,900 --> 00:44:23,433
BUT...
1005
00:44:23,433 --> 00:44:25,367
I'VE EVEN HEARD VARIANTS
OF THE SAME POEM.
1006
00:44:25,367 --> 00:44:27,467
IT'S LIKE, "IT'S NOT THE TREE
OR THE SIZE,
1007
00:44:27,467 --> 00:44:29,167
IT'S THE AX
THAT YOU WHACKS."
1008
00:44:29,167 --> 00:44:31,067
I DON'T KNOW.
1009
00:44:31,067 --> 00:44:33,167
BUT, UH, IT'S...
1010
00:44:33,167 --> 00:44:34,900
IT'S A LITTLE SUB GENRE
OF POETRY NOW
1011
00:44:34,900 --> 00:44:40,067
THAT'S TAUGHT IN MANY
OF OUR FINER INSTITUTIONS.
1012
00:44:40,067 --> 00:44:42,433
TURNS OUT GUYS
WITH SMALL COCKS,
1013
00:44:42,433 --> 00:44:43,700
NOTHING THEY LIKE MORE
1014
00:44:43,700 --> 00:44:45,933
THAN JUST SPOUTIN'
FREE VERSE AT HOME
1015
00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:48,167
ABOUT THEIR...
1016
00:44:48,167 --> 00:44:50,633
AND THE...
[chuckling]
1017
00:44:50,633 --> 00:44:54,167
THE SUBTEXT OF EVERY ONE
OF THESE BEAUTIFUL POEMS
1018
00:44:54,167 --> 00:44:57,267
IS, UH, IT DOESN'T MATTER
HOW BIG YOUR COCK IS,
1019
00:44:57,267 --> 00:44:59,167
IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.
1020
00:44:59,167 --> 00:45:02,633
YOU KNOW?
1021
00:45:02,633 --> 00:45:05,233
LIKE THE GUY WITH THE GIANT COCK
WOULD HAVE NO CLUE.
1022
00:45:05,233 --> 00:45:07,900
YOU KNOW, HOW WOULD...
1023
00:45:07,900 --> 00:45:11,500
HOW WOULD HE POSSIBLY KNOW?
1024
00:45:11,500 --> 00:45:14,067
IT'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU PUT IT IN, AND THEN YOU...
1025
00:45:14,067 --> 00:45:16,100
"I'M STUMPED.
I DON'T KNOW."
1026
00:45:17,900 --> 00:45:20,067
"IT'S IRONIC--EVERYONE
WANTS MY GIANT COCK,
1027
00:45:20,067 --> 00:45:22,533
"BUT...
1028
00:45:22,533 --> 00:45:25,067
"I DON'T THINK
I'LL EVER SOLVE THIS...
1029
00:45:25,067 --> 00:45:28,567
"RUBRIC.
I DON'T KNOW, I...
1030
00:45:28,567 --> 00:45:32,967
"IF ONLY IT WAS SMALLER
AND EASIER TO MANEUVER, I...
1031
00:45:32,967 --> 00:45:34,500
"I CAN'T--
I CAN'T FIGURE IT.
1032
00:45:34,500 --> 00:45:35,900
I DON'T KNOW."
1033
00:45:41,633 --> 00:45:44,300
OH, MAN.
1034
00:45:44,300 --> 00:45:47,667
THE FUCKING CAMERA
FUCKING TAKING A PICTURE OF...
1035
00:45:47,667 --> 00:45:49,933
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
YOU JUST LIKE THAT--
1036
00:45:49,933 --> 00:45:52,667
THAT GUY JUST CLEARLY
LIKES THAT LADY.
1037
00:45:52,667 --> 00:45:57,933
HE'S LIKE A HALF AN INCH
AWAY FROM HER VAGINA
1038
00:45:57,933 --> 00:46:00,533
WITH THE CAMERA.
1039
00:46:00,533 --> 00:46:02,767
WHAT IS THAT?
1040
00:46:02,767 --> 00:46:03,800
WE GOT THE TV HERE.
1041
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:06,400
THE TV IS WITH US.
1042
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:08,500
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE
ON THE TV.
1043
00:46:08,500 --> 00:46:10,133
MOSTLY, IT'S GONNA BE
ME TALKING,
1044
00:46:10,133 --> 00:46:12,167
AND THEN SOMEHOW,
IT'LL CUT TO A SHOT
1045
00:46:12,167 --> 00:46:13,833
OF THIS LADY'S VAGINA.
1046
00:46:13,833 --> 00:46:16,767
DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.
1047
00:46:19,733 --> 00:46:21,867
HAS HE GIVEN YOU
HIS BUSINESS CARD YET?
1048
00:46:24,667 --> 00:46:26,467
NO, LISTEN, UM...
1049
00:46:26,467 --> 00:46:29,500
HEY, IT'S GREAT
TO BE HERE IN SAN FRANCISCO.
1050
00:46:29,500 --> 00:46:33,067
UH, THIS IS THE FIRST WEEK
OF, UH, THE GOLF, YOU KNOW,
1051
00:46:33,067 --> 00:46:36,200
AND TIGER IS, UH, MY
FAVORITE GOLFER EVER, YOU KNOW.
1052
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:37,733
AND, YOU KNOW,
HE WENT TO STANFORD.
1053
00:46:37,733 --> 00:46:39,733
IF YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW THAT,
WHICH IS AWESOME.
1054
00:46:39,733 --> 00:46:42,767
AND, UH, I'M HOPING
THIS IS HIS YEAR, MAN,
1055
00:46:42,767 --> 00:46:44,667
'CAUSE I FEEL BAD
FOR THE GUY, YOU KNOW.
1056
00:46:44,667 --> 00:46:47,967
AND, UH, GOD DAMN, IT'S TOO BAD
THAT HAPPENED AND EVERYTHING.
1057
00:46:47,967 --> 00:46:52,800
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
WHATEVER.
1058
00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:56,633
I JUST HOPE HE DOES GOOD,
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
1059
00:46:56,633 --> 00:46:58,467
IT WAS FUNNY,
AT THE TIME IT HAPPENED,
1060
00:46:58,467 --> 00:47:01,633
I--YOU KNOW,
YOU GET SO, LIKE, NAIVE
1061
00:47:01,633 --> 00:47:03,200
ABOUT THINGS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
1062
00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:06,167
LIKE I REMEMBER I WAS, LIKE,
OUTRAGED AND EVERYTHING.
1063
00:47:06,167 --> 00:47:08,133
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW?
1064
00:47:08,133 --> 00:47:09,967
LIKE I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I THOUGHT HIS LIFE WAS,
1065
00:47:09,967 --> 00:47:12,167
BUT I REMEMBER AT THE TIME
GOING, "WHAT?!
1066
00:47:12,167 --> 00:47:13,400
"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
1067
00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:15,800
"ARE YOU TELLING ME--
YOU TELL--
1068
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:18,767
"ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
1069
00:47:18,767 --> 00:47:21,067
"THAT THAT GUY
IS WORTH 6 BILLION.
1070
00:47:21,067 --> 00:47:22,767
"YOU'RE TELLING ME
1071
00:47:22,767 --> 00:47:24,700
"THAT THE WORLD'S GREATEST
ATHLETE OVER THERE,
1072
00:47:24,700 --> 00:47:26,233
"TIGER WOODS,
YOU'RE TELLING ME
1073
00:47:26,233 --> 00:47:28,067
"THAT THAT GUY,
1074
00:47:28,067 --> 00:47:31,800
"THAT SUPER HANDSOME,
CHARISMATIC DUDE
1075
00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:34,567
"LIKES TO LIE DOWN WITH LADIES?
I DON'T BUY IT.
1076
00:47:34,567 --> 00:47:36,067
"I...
1077
00:47:36,067 --> 00:47:39,767
"DON'T BUY THAT
FOR ONE SECOND.
1078
00:47:39,767 --> 00:47:41,967
DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE."
1079
00:47:45,067 --> 00:47:47,300
AND THEN WHEN IT TURNED OUT
TO BE TRUE,
1080
00:47:47,300 --> 00:47:49,900
I WAS ALL, LIKE, OUTRAGED
LIKE AN IDIOT, YOU KNOW.
1081
00:47:49,900 --> 00:47:51,500
I WAS LIKE, "AHH!
1082
00:47:51,500 --> 00:47:55,733
"I DON'T LIKE HYPOCRITES.
1083
00:47:55,733 --> 00:47:57,933
"I DON'T CARE FOR THAT.
I--
1084
00:47:57,933 --> 00:48:00,700
"HE ALWAYS PRESENTED
HIMSELF IN PUBLIC
1085
00:48:00,700 --> 00:48:02,333
AS A GOLFER."
1086
00:48:04,833 --> 00:48:06,067
"I WOULD SEE HIM ON TV.
1087
00:48:06,067 --> 00:48:07,533
"HE'D BE HITTING
A GOLF BALL AND SHIT,
1088
00:48:07,533 --> 00:48:09,200
"AND THE GOLF BALL
WOULD GET NEAR THE HOLE.
1089
00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:12,267
"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
1090
00:48:12,267 --> 00:48:14,967
"I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS LEADING
SOME KIND OF DOUBLE LIFE
1091
00:48:14,967 --> 00:48:16,733
"WHERE HE WAS GOLFING BY DAY
1092
00:48:16,733 --> 00:48:20,267
"AND LAYING DOWN WITH LADIES
AT THE NIGHT.
1093
00:48:20,267 --> 00:48:21,533
"IF I'D KNOWN THAT,
1094
00:48:21,533 --> 00:48:23,300
"I NEVER WOULD HAVE BOUGHT
THE FUCKING BUICK
1095
00:48:23,300 --> 00:48:27,300
"IN THE FIRST PLACE,
YOU KNOW.
1096
00:48:27,300 --> 00:48:29,933
"NOW I'M DRIVING
DOWN THE STREET IN MY BUICK,
1097
00:48:29,933 --> 00:48:32,100
PEOPLE SNICKERING AT ME."
1098
00:48:34,433 --> 00:48:36,933
I DON'T KNOW.
1099
00:48:36,933 --> 00:48:38,567
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT
HIS LIFE WAS.
1100
00:48:38,567 --> 00:48:39,900
I TRY TO REMEMBER BACK,
YOU KNOW?
1101
00:48:39,900 --> 00:48:41,067
'CAUSE WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT,
1102
00:48:41,067 --> 00:48:42,833
OF COURSE, IT MAKES COMPLETE
SENSE, YOU KNOW.
1103
00:48:42,833 --> 00:48:44,067
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
HE'S LIKE,
1104
00:48:44,067 --> 00:48:45,767
"HEY, I'M TIGER WOODS.
1105
00:48:45,767 --> 00:48:48,567
"I JUST WON
THE TIGER SLAM LAST--
1106
00:48:48,567 --> 00:48:50,467
"I HAVE SIPPED
FROM THE CLARET JUG,
1107
00:48:50,467 --> 00:48:52,067
"AND I'VE HOISTED
THE WANAMAKER TROPHY.
1108
00:48:52,067 --> 00:48:54,567
"HERE I AM TRYING ON
MY SECOND GREEN JACKET.
1109
00:48:54,567 --> 00:48:55,967
"WHAT SHOULD I DO TONIGHT?
1110
00:48:55,967 --> 00:48:57,467
"I KNOW, I'LL GO BACK
TO MY HOTEL ROOM ALONE
1111
00:48:57,467 --> 00:48:59,333
"ALL BY MYSELF.
1112
00:48:59,333 --> 00:49:02,600
"THAT'LL BE FUN.
1113
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:05,133
"I UNDERSTAND
THERE'S A CARD SHARKS MARATHON
1114
00:49:05,133 --> 00:49:08,067
"ON GSN TONIGHT.
1115
00:49:08,067 --> 00:49:10,733
"I'LL INVITE
MARK CALCAVECCHIA OVER,
1116
00:49:10,733 --> 00:49:11,933
"AND WE'LL HAVE A...
1117
00:49:11,933 --> 00:49:13,767
WE'LL HAVE A GRAND OLD TIME
TOGETHER."
1118
00:49:13,767 --> 00:49:16,567
WHAT THE FUCK?
1119
00:49:16,567 --> 00:49:18,633
"I'LL JUST GET
SOME ROOM SERVICE.
1120
00:49:18,633 --> 00:49:20,367
"HELLO. UH, YEAH,
I'D LIKE, TO...
1121
00:49:20,367 --> 00:49:21,733
"OH, HI.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
1122
00:49:21,733 --> 00:49:23,233
"CHRISTINE. CHRISTINE.
1123
00:49:23,233 --> 00:49:25,967
"YEAH, LISTEN, I'D LIKE TO GET
A CHICKEN BREAST SANDWICH.
1124
00:49:25,967 --> 00:49:28,533
"NO, I DON'T WANT A BLOW JOB
TO END ALL BLOW JOBS.
1125
00:49:28,533 --> 00:49:31,267
"I WANT...
1126
00:49:31,267 --> 00:49:34,400
"A CHICKEN BREAST SANDWICH...
1127
00:49:34,400 --> 00:49:37,833
"WITH A PICKLE.
CAN I GET A PICKLE WITH IT?
1128
00:49:37,833 --> 00:49:40,267
"CAN I GET AN EIGHTH
OF A PICKLE?
1129
00:49:40,267 --> 00:49:43,933
"LIKE, LENGTHWISE SLICED
SO I JUST HAVE 1/8.
1130
00:49:43,933 --> 00:49:45,467
YOU HAVE ANYTHING
LIKE THAT DOWN THERE?"
1131
00:49:49,767 --> 00:49:51,700
BUT, SEE, I DON'T THINK
THAT HE'S LIKE A...
1132
00:49:51,700 --> 00:49:53,067
PEOPLE ALL THINK OF HIM
1133
00:49:53,067 --> 00:49:54,967
AS A SEXUAL PREDATOR
OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, BUT--
1134
00:49:54,967 --> 00:49:56,900
LIKE IN THE--LIKE THE--
BUT I DON'T THINK THAT.
1135
00:49:56,900 --> 00:49:58,367
I THINK THE GIRLS
WENT AFTER HIM.
1136
00:49:58,367 --> 00:50:00,533
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
HE'S TROLLING THROUGH PERKINS
1137
00:50:00,533 --> 00:50:02,533
TRYING TO FIND
WAITRESSES, YOU KNOW?
1138
00:50:02,533 --> 00:50:04,500
I THINK...
1139
00:50:04,500 --> 00:50:06,833
IT'S LIKE HE'S IN PERKINS
WITH HIS LOVELY WIFE,
1140
00:50:06,833 --> 00:50:08,433
ENJOYING A PIECE OF PIE,
YOU KNOW,
1141
00:50:08,433 --> 00:50:09,667
AND THEN HE LEAVES,
1142
00:50:09,667 --> 00:50:11,033
AND THEN THE WAITRESS RUNS OUT
AND SHE GOES,
1143
00:50:11,033 --> 00:50:12,867
"OH, WAIT,
YOU FORGOT THIS THING,
1144
00:50:12,867 --> 00:50:15,367
PLUS I'LL FUCK YOU TOMORROW
IF YOU COME BACK."
1145
00:50:15,367 --> 00:50:17,667
HE'S LIKE,
"OKAY, WELL, THE..."
1146
00:50:19,700 --> 00:50:21,000
SO HE HAS THE, YOU KNOW,
1147
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,033
THE TEMPTATIONS OF THE FLESH
ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW,
1148
00:50:24,033 --> 00:50:30,867
AND SO, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA
TAKE THAT INTO ACCOUNT.
1149
00:50:30,867 --> 00:50:33,400
AND TIGER,
HE'S NOT LIKE US.
1150
00:50:33,400 --> 00:50:34,833
HE'S NOT
LIKE A REGULAR GUY.
1151
00:50:34,833 --> 00:50:35,900
HE'S LIKE A ROCK STAR.
1152
00:50:35,900 --> 00:50:37,733
A REGULAR GUY,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
1153
00:50:37,733 --> 00:50:39,133
HE DOESN'T HAVE THAT MUCH--
HOW...
1154
00:50:39,133 --> 00:50:40,467
LIKE A GUY
LIKE ME AND YOU,
1155
00:50:40,467 --> 00:50:41,800
HOW MANY TIMES
WOULD WE HAVE A CHANCE
1156
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:43,600
TO COMMIT ADULT--
IN OUR WHOLE LIVES,
1157
00:50:43,600 --> 00:50:45,633
WE MIGHT HAVE
TEN OPPORTUNITIES, YOU KNOW?
1158
00:50:45,633 --> 00:50:47,033
PROBABLY THINK IT'S TEN.
1159
00:50:47,033 --> 00:50:49,033
PROBABLY ONLY SIX.
1160
00:50:49,033 --> 00:50:51,333
BUT...SO LET'S SAY IT'S TEN,
1161
00:50:51,333 --> 00:50:53,800
SO WE STRAY ONCE,
THAT'S 10%.
1162
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,233
TWICE, 20%.
1163
00:50:56,233 --> 00:50:58,367
NOW, TIGER, MAYBE HE HAD
60, 70 WOMEN.
1164
00:50:58,367 --> 00:51:00,633
WHAT ABOUT THE 3 MILLION
THAT HE DIDN'T FUCK
1165
00:51:00,633 --> 00:51:03,067
THAT HE COULD HAVE?
1166
00:51:03,067 --> 00:51:06,667
YOU GOTTA FACTOR
THOSE GALS IN, YOU KNOW?
1167
00:51:06,667 --> 00:51:08,267
NOW, WHEN YOU DO THAT...
1168
00:51:08,267 --> 00:51:10,867
I DID IT ON A LITTLE, UH,
CALCULATOR.
1169
00:51:10,867 --> 00:51:14,067
IT TURNS OUT THAT TIGER
ONLY HAD SEX
1170
00:51:14,067 --> 00:51:18,700
WITH .0000000002%
1171
00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:21,100
OF THE WOMEN HE COULD--
1172
00:51:21,100 --> 00:51:24,800
NOW, STATISTICALLY,
THAT'S 0%.
1173
00:51:24,800 --> 00:51:28,967
FROM--FROM A STRICTLY
MATHEMATICAL POINT OF VIEW,
1174
00:51:28,967 --> 00:51:31,967
TIGER IS THE MOST FAITHFUL MAN
WHO EVER LIVED.
1175
00:51:31,967 --> 00:51:34,500
THAT'S MY POINT.
1176
00:51:34,500 --> 00:51:37,067
[applause]
SO...
1177
00:51:37,067 --> 00:51:38,300
GOD BLESS HIM,
1178
00:51:38,300 --> 00:51:40,600
AND I HOPE HE DOES WELL
AT THE MASTERS,
1179
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:42,067
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
HE'S GOT A, UH...
1180
00:51:42,067 --> 00:51:44,067
YOU KNOW, HE TRYING
TO CATCH, UH...
1181
00:51:44,067 --> 00:51:45,500
NICKLAUS AND SNEAD
AND SO FORTH,
1182
00:51:45,500 --> 00:51:49,133
AND, YOU KNOW, I'VE WASTED
16 YEARS OF MY LIFE
1183
00:51:49,133 --> 00:51:52,600
WATCHING THE FUCKING GUY,
AND, UH...
1184
00:51:52,600 --> 00:51:54,300
HE'S GOT A DATE
WITH DESTINY,
1185
00:51:54,300 --> 00:51:56,767
AND I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT SOME LADY
1186
00:51:56,767 --> 00:51:59,300
AT THE SPEARMINT RHINO.
1187
00:51:59,300 --> 00:52:04,767
LITERAL DESTINY
HE HAS A DATE WITH.
1188
00:52:04,767 --> 00:52:07,633
BUT ANYWAYS.
1189
00:52:07,633 --> 00:52:11,233
OH, SO SAN FRANCISCO, MAN.
1190
00:52:11,233 --> 00:52:15,100
WHAT ELSE--WHAT ELSE
IS SAN FRANCISCO FAMOUS FOR?
1191
00:52:15,100 --> 00:52:17,767
OH, GUYS SUCKING
AND FUCKING EACH OTHER.
1192
00:52:19,167 --> 00:52:21,433
FORGOT ABOUT THAT.
1193
00:52:21,433 --> 00:52:23,167
[laughter]
1194
00:52:25,567 --> 00:52:27,633
THEY'RE EQUALLY PROUD,
BY THE WAY.
1195
00:52:27,633 --> 00:52:29,967
THEY'RE JUST AS PROUD
AS STRAIGHT PEOPLE
1196
00:52:29,967 --> 00:52:31,300
OF THEIR SUCKING AND FUCKING.
1197
00:52:31,300 --> 00:52:33,067
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
EVERY YEAR,
1198
00:52:33,067 --> 00:52:36,267
THEY'RE SO PROUD,
THEY HAVE A PARADE FOR IT.
1199
00:52:36,267 --> 00:52:38,600
IT'S CALLED
THE GAY PRIDE PARADE,
1200
00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:42,267
AND, UH,
IT'S A ODD THING TO ME,
1201
00:52:42,267 --> 00:52:43,800
'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
1202
00:52:43,800 --> 00:52:45,133
WHEN I WAS A BOY,
YOU KNOW,
1203
00:52:45,133 --> 00:52:48,100
AND I'M OLDER
THAN YOU FELLERS, BUT...
1204
00:52:48,100 --> 00:52:49,633
WHEN I WAS--
WHEN I WAS--
1205
00:52:49,633 --> 00:52:51,400
WHEN I WAS
SIX YEARS OF AGE,
1206
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:54,067
I REMEMBER MY DAD
SHOWING ME ON THE TELEVISION,
1207
00:52:54,067 --> 00:52:56,300
THERE WAS A PARADE BECAUSE
NEIL ARMSTRONG AND THE BOYS,
1208
00:52:56,300 --> 00:52:58,200
WHY, THEY HAD GONE
TO THE MOON.
1209
00:53:02,133 --> 00:53:04,833
THEY--HERE,
MAN HAD TOUCHED THE...
1210
00:53:04,833 --> 00:53:07,967
THE SATELLITE THAT...
1211
00:53:07,967 --> 00:53:10,633
THAT WHIRLS AROUND
OUR WHIRLING CINDER,
1212
00:53:10,633 --> 00:53:12,200
AND THEN THEY CAME BACK.
1213
00:53:12,200 --> 00:53:14,367
NOW, THEY HAD
A PARADE FOR THEM.
1214
00:53:14,367 --> 00:53:15,733
MY DAD HAD ME WATCH IT
1215
00:53:15,733 --> 00:53:18,400
ON HIS LITTLE PHILCO TV
THAT HE KEPT IN THE KITCHEN,
1216
00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:20,233
AND HE SAID--
I REMEMBER HE SAID,
1217
00:53:20,233 --> 00:53:21,533
"WATCH THIS, SON," YOU KNOW.
1218
00:53:21,533 --> 00:53:23,667
AND NEIL ARMSTRONG
AND THE BOYS WERE GOING DOWN,
1219
00:53:23,667 --> 00:53:25,133
TICKER TAPE, FIFTH AVENUE.
1220
00:53:25,133 --> 00:53:27,133
IT WAS LIKE
A VERY MAJESTIC MOMENT.
1221
00:53:27,133 --> 00:53:29,300
NOW, THIS
IS HOW PARADES HAVE,
1222
00:53:29,300 --> 00:53:33,567
IN MY MIND,
DEVOLVED A LITTLE.
1223
00:53:33,567 --> 00:53:35,067
NOW IT'S A BUNCH OF GUYS
1224
00:53:35,067 --> 00:53:38,100
WHO LIKE SUCKING AND FUCKING
EACH OTHER.
1225
00:53:43,333 --> 00:53:45,067
AM I SUPPOSED TO BRING
MY KID ON MY SHOULDERS?
1226
00:53:45,067 --> 00:53:46,700
"HEY, LOOK AT THAT!
1227
00:53:46,700 --> 00:53:48,400
"ENJOY YOUR COTTON CANDY.
1228
00:53:48,400 --> 00:53:49,667
"THERE'S SOME MORE GUYS
1229
00:53:49,667 --> 00:53:51,667
WHO LIKE SUCKING
AND FUCKING EACH OTHER."
1230
00:53:56,467 --> 00:53:58,067
AND THEY LIKE DOING IT.
1231
00:53:58,067 --> 00:53:59,467
I DON'T THINK YOU GET
A PARADE
1232
00:53:59,467 --> 00:54:00,567
FOR SOMETHING YOU LIKE--
1233
00:54:00,567 --> 00:54:02,400
LIKE, IF THEY DIDN'T LIKE,
1234
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:04,133
MAYBE THEN I'D SHOW UP,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
1235
00:54:04,133 --> 00:54:06,433
IF THEY...IF IT WAS LIKE,
"I DON'T LIKE IT,
1236
00:54:06,433 --> 00:54:08,067
"BUT GOD DAMN IT,
I'LL DO IT FOR MY COUNTRY.
1237
00:54:08,067 --> 00:54:09,200
AAH!"
1238
00:54:10,767 --> 00:54:15,567
THEN I'D GO,
"SON, THAT MAN'S A PATRIOT.
1239
00:54:15,567 --> 00:54:19,500
"HE UNDERSTANDS THERE'S
GREATER THAN THE INDIVIDUAL.
1240
00:54:19,500 --> 00:54:21,100
THERE'S..."
1241
00:54:25,767 --> 00:54:27,367
BUT THERE IS
ONE VERY TOUCHING MOMENT,
1242
00:54:27,367 --> 00:54:29,400
'CAUSE A GUY TOOK ME
TO THIS GAY PRIDE PARADE.
1243
00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:31,267
AND THE MOST TOUCHING MOMENT--
MAKES YOU CRY--
1244
00:54:31,267 --> 00:54:35,400
IS THERE'S THE PARENTS
OF THE ADULT GAY CHILDREN,
1245
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:38,600
AND THEY'RE HOLDING,
LIKE, SIGNS AND STUFF, YOU KNOW,
1246
00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:41,567
AND IT'S THE MOST MOVING,
UH, PART OF IT,
1247
00:54:41,567 --> 00:54:43,133
AND, UH, FIRST OF ALL,
1248
00:54:43,133 --> 00:54:45,100
THEY'RE NOT DANCING AROUND
IN LEATHER AND SHIT.
1249
00:54:45,100 --> 00:54:46,100
AND, UH...
1250
00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:49,700
BUT YOU SEE THEM,
1251
00:54:49,700 --> 00:54:51,733
AND SOME OF THESE GUYS
ARE OLD FELLAS,
1252
00:54:51,733 --> 00:54:53,933
YOU COULD TELL, YOU KNOW,
WERE IN KOREA AND STUFF,
1253
00:54:53,933 --> 00:54:55,167
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
1254
00:54:55,167 --> 00:54:58,500
AND SO...AND THEY CARRY SIGNS
THAT SAY,
1255
00:54:58,500 --> 00:55:02,067
YOU KNOW, "I AM PROUD
THAT MY SON IS GAY," YOU KNOW.
1256
00:55:02,067 --> 00:55:04,533
AND IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL,
BUT I STILL...
1257
00:55:04,533 --> 00:55:06,267
I THINK THEY'RE CHOOSING
THE WRONG WORDS,
1258
00:55:06,267 --> 00:55:09,200
'CAUSE PRIDE, AGAIN...
I DON'T, YOU KNOW...
1259
00:55:09,200 --> 00:55:12,400
LIKE, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ACCEPTING
1260
00:55:12,400 --> 00:55:14,467
AND LOVING
AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT.
1261
00:55:14,467 --> 00:55:16,333
BUT, UH, YOU KNOW,
1262
00:55:16,333 --> 00:55:18,500
I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S
BRAGGING ABOUT IT
1263
00:55:18,500 --> 00:55:20,967
DOWN AT WORK OR ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW?
1264
00:55:25,333 --> 00:55:28,067
GUY GOES, "HEY, GUYS,
COME OVER HERE, MAN,
1265
00:55:28,067 --> 00:55:32,067
"I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT MY YOUNGEST SON, BILL.
1266
00:55:32,067 --> 00:55:33,667
MCCLUSKEY,
GET OVER HERE."
1267
00:55:36,867 --> 00:55:38,233
"I WANT TO TELL YOU
ABOUT BILL.
1268
00:55:38,233 --> 00:55:39,500
"WE'RE SO PROUD OF HIM.
1269
00:55:39,500 --> 00:55:42,067
"HE GRADUATED HARVARD THIS YEAR,
TOP OF HIS CLASS.
1270
00:55:42,067 --> 00:55:43,967
"GONNA BE A LAWYER,
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, HUH?
1271
00:55:43,967 --> 00:55:46,867
"YOU CAN USE HIM, MCCLUSKEY,
NEXT TIME YOU GET IN TROUBLE.
1272
00:55:46,867 --> 00:55:48,167
"YEAH, MY SON.
1273
00:55:48,167 --> 00:55:51,633
"NONE OF US MACPHERSONS
EVER GRADUATED THE FIFTH GRADE.
1274
00:55:51,633 --> 00:55:53,400
"WE'RE ALL JUST A BUNCH
OF CHUNKS OF COAL,
1275
00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:55,733
"BUT, AW, IT'S
ALL GONNA CHANGE NOW.
1276
00:55:55,733 --> 00:55:57,933
"OUR YOUNG SON, BILL.
1277
00:55:57,933 --> 00:55:59,900
"TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE
WE'RE PROUD OF HIM FOR.
1278
00:55:59,900 --> 00:56:01,067
HE..."
1279
00:56:01,067 --> 00:56:03,833
[laughter]
1280
00:56:05,500 --> 00:56:08,067
"HE WAS ON THE JUNIOR VARSITY
BASKETBALL TEAM,
1281
00:56:08,067 --> 00:56:11,533
"AND, UH,
IN A SPAN OF SEVEN GAMES,
1282
00:56:11,533 --> 00:56:13,867
"HE HAD FOUR TRIPLE-DOUBLES
TO END THE SEASON.
1283
00:56:13,867 --> 00:56:15,200
"WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THAT, HUH?
1284
00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:17,267
"UNBELIEVABLE.
ALSO LOVES COCK.
1285
00:56:17,267 --> 00:56:18,833
I DON'T KNOW THE--"
1286
00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,467
"IN HIS MOUTH,
UP HIS ASS,
1287
00:56:21,467 --> 00:56:23,400
"THIS KID, HE DOESN'T CARE.
1288
00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:24,633
"I DON'T KNOW
HOW HE DOES IT.
1289
00:56:24,633 --> 00:56:27,800
"I CAN'T DO IT MYSELF.
1290
00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:28,767
YEAH."
1291
00:56:30,467 --> 00:56:32,867
"MY SON, BILL.
1292
00:56:32,867 --> 00:56:35,300
"GONNA BE A LAWYER.
1293
00:56:35,300 --> 00:56:36,633
"I GOT A PICTURE OF HIM.
1294
00:56:36,633 --> 00:56:38,467
"HE'S GONNA BE ARTICLING
IN GREENWICH NEXT YEAR.
1295
00:56:38,467 --> 00:56:39,800
"THERE HE IS.
HE'S GRADUATING.
1296
00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:42,367
"THAT'S
HIS GRADUATION PICTURE.
1297
00:56:42,367 --> 00:56:44,467
"LOOK AT THAT,
WITH HIS ROBES THERE,
1298
00:56:44,467 --> 00:56:46,367
"AND THE MORTARBOARD,
YOU KNOW, LOOK AT--
1299
00:56:46,367 --> 00:56:48,267
"IT'S THE HAT, MCCLUSKEY,
YOU IGNORANT BASTARD!
1300
00:56:48,267 --> 00:56:49,500
"THEY CALL IT THAT.
1301
00:56:49,500 --> 00:56:51,100
"LOOK AT HIM THERE, HUH?
1302
00:56:51,100 --> 00:56:53,133
"WHAT A PICTURE.
1303
00:56:53,133 --> 00:56:54,500
"YOU CAN'T SEE IT
IN THE PICTURE,
1304
00:56:54,500 --> 00:56:58,700
"BUT HE'S GOT EIGHT COCKS
WEDGED UP HIS ASS.
1305
00:56:58,700 --> 00:57:00,233
"AND, OF COURSE,
YOU CAN SEE
1306
00:57:00,233 --> 00:57:02,300
"THE FINE SPRAY OF JIZZ
1307
00:57:02,300 --> 00:57:04,400
"ARCING OVER HIS TONGUE
1308
00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:06,700
"AS HE GREEDILY
LAPS IT UP.
1309
00:57:06,700 --> 00:57:08,067
WELL, WELL..."
1310
00:57:10,700 --> 00:57:14,767
"I FEEL SO MUCH PRIDE
WHEN I SEE THAT PICTURE.
1311
00:57:14,767 --> 00:57:18,767
PRIDE IS THE THING
THAT I MOST FEEL."
1312
00:57:20,367 --> 00:57:22,667
ANYWAY...
1313
00:57:22,667 --> 00:57:24,767
LISTEN, FOLKS...
1314
00:57:24,767 --> 00:57:26,400
I JUST WANT TO SAY, UH,
1315
00:57:26,400 --> 00:57:28,100
SAN FRANCISCO'S,
UH, AWESOME.
1316
00:57:28,100 --> 00:57:30,467
AND, UH, I'M FROM L.A.
1317
00:57:30,467 --> 00:57:33,833
AND, UH, HEY, WE CAN'T WAIT
TO GET YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM.
1318
00:57:38,233 --> 00:57:39,900
WE'RE LOOKING FORWARD
TO THAT.
1319
00:57:39,900 --> 00:57:40,933
AND, UM...
1320
00:57:40,933 --> 00:57:43,067
- HOW'S O.J.?
1321
00:57:43,067 --> 00:57:45,733
- O.J.?
1322
00:57:45,733 --> 00:57:48,333
WELL, I'VE CHANGED MY MIND
ON O.J.
1323
00:57:48,333 --> 00:57:50,967
NO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
I FEEL ABOUT O.J.
1324
00:57:52,733 --> 00:57:54,633
[cheers and applause]
IT'S...
1325
00:57:57,733 --> 00:58:02,067
I FEEL--AS MUCH AS I WAS
INDIGNANT ABOUT HIS ACQUITTAL,
1326
00:58:02,067 --> 00:58:05,367
I'M EQUALLY INDIGNANT
ABOUT HIS, UH,
1327
00:58:05,367 --> 00:58:10,667
HIS GOING TO PRISON FOR STEALING
HIS FUCKING OWN SHIRTS.
1328
00:58:10,667 --> 00:58:12,367
I DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR.
1329
00:58:12,367 --> 00:58:14,633
I DON'T THINK,
IF YOU STEAL YOUR OWN SHIRTS,
1330
00:58:14,633 --> 00:58:19,200
YOU SHOULD GET
35 CONSECUTIVE LIFE SENTENCES.
1331
00:58:19,200 --> 00:58:23,800
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR
TO ME AT ALL.
1332
00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:26,133
AND NOW HE'S
PROBABLY SAYING,
1333
00:58:26,133 --> 00:58:27,800
"I WISH I GOT FUCKING...
1334
00:58:27,800 --> 00:58:30,567
YOU KNOW, I WISH I WAS
PUT UP FOR THE OTHER CRIME."
1335
00:58:30,567 --> 00:58:32,100
BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING.
1336
00:58:32,100 --> 00:58:34,233
IN PRISON, THEY HAVE
A PECKING ORDER.
1337
00:58:37,300 --> 00:58:38,733
NOW...
1338
00:58:38,733 --> 00:58:40,433
IN THE PECKING ORDER,
1339
00:58:40,433 --> 00:58:42,800
ONE OF THE TOP PEOPLE
ON THE PECKING ORDER
1340
00:58:42,800 --> 00:58:45,133
ARE THE DOUBLE MURDERERS.
1341
00:58:45,133 --> 00:58:47,200
THEY'RE WAY UP HIGH.
1342
00:58:47,200 --> 00:58:51,800
VERY WELL RESPECTED
MEMBERS...
1343
00:58:51,800 --> 00:58:58,300
OF THE, UH, OLD GRAY BAR,
YOU KNOW, COMMUNITY.
1344
00:58:58,300 --> 00:59:03,267
BUT...GUYS WHO STEAL
THEIR OWN SHIRTS...
1345
00:59:03,267 --> 00:59:06,167
THEY'RE AT THE LOWEST
ON THE PECKING ORDER.
1346
00:59:06,167 --> 00:59:10,867
AND THE PECKING ORDER INVOLVES
A LOT OF ASS FUCKING, BASICALLY.
1347
00:59:10,867 --> 00:59:14,600
AND, UH, SO I FEEL
SORRY FOR O.J.,
1348
00:59:14,600 --> 00:59:15,967
'CAUSE I'M SURE HE'S GOING,
1349
00:59:15,967 --> 00:59:18,767
"WAIT, I FUCKING KILLED
TWO FUCKING PEOPLE.
1350
00:59:18,767 --> 00:59:21,300
I KILLED A WAITER
AND MY WIFE, SAVAGELY."
1351
00:59:21,300 --> 00:59:23,767
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"WE SAW THE FUCKING TRIAL.
1352
00:59:23,767 --> 00:59:26,933
"IF THE GLOVE DON'T FIT,
YOU CAN'T ACQUIT.
1353
00:59:26,933 --> 00:59:29,333
"YOU STOLE A JERSEY
AND NOTHIN' MORE.
1354
00:59:29,333 --> 00:59:31,867
"NOW GET YOUR FUCKING ASS
OVER HERE.
1355
00:59:31,867 --> 00:59:33,500
I HAVE TO FUCK IT."
1356
00:59:33,500 --> 00:59:35,433
NO.
1357
00:59:35,433 --> 00:59:37,400
[laughter and applause]
1358
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:38,600
THERE YOU GO!
1359
00:59:38,600 --> 00:59:41,433
GOD BLESS YOU, FOLKS.
I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.
1360
00:59:41,433 --> 00:59:42,867
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
1361
00:59:42,867 --> 00:59:45,100
[cheers and applause]
1362
00:59:45,100 --> 00:59:46,267
- * PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS *
1363
00:59:46,267 --> 00:59:48,867
* ARE GIVING ME A PAIN *
1364
00:59:48,867 --> 00:59:50,733
* PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS *
1365
00:59:50,733 --> 00:59:53,167
* ARE MESSIN' WITH MY BRAIN *
1366
00:59:53,167 --> 00:59:55,633
* I TRY TO HELP 'EM
SOLVE 'EM *
1367
00:59:55,633 --> 00:59:57,867
* BUT THEY ALWAYS
STAY THE SAME *
1368
00:59:57,867 --> 01:00:00,200
* PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS *
1369
01:00:00,200 --> 01:00:02,800
* ARE DRIVIN' ME INSANE *
1370
01:00:02,800 --> 01:00:05,233
* *
1371
01:00:08,367 --> 01:00:11,233
- FOLLOW ME.
* TWEET TWEET *
1372
01:00:16,333 --> 01:00:18,500
- * OL' WILLY
HE STAYS HIGHER *
1373
01:00:18,500 --> 01:00:21,000
* THAN A HUNDRED DOLLAR KITE *
1374
01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:23,800
* HE HUFFS AND PUFFS
AND SMOKES THAT STUFF *
1375
01:00:23,800 --> 01:00:25,667
* EVERY DAY AND NIGHT *
1376
01:00:25,667 --> 01:00:28,067
* HIS FRIENDS ALL TRY
TO CHANGE HIM *
1377
01:00:28,067 --> 01:00:30,500
* BEGGIN', "PLEASE QUIT,
WILLY, PLEASE" *
1378
01:00:30,500 --> 01:00:32,533
* BUT STILL
THEY HANG AROUND *
1379
01:00:32,533 --> 01:00:35,000
* AND BREATHE THE SAME AIR
THAT HE BREATHES *
1380
01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:37,433
* YEAH, PEOPLE
AND THEIR PROBLEMS *
1381
01:00:37,433 --> 01:00:40,033
* ARE GIVIN' ME A PAIN *
1382
01:00:40,033 --> 01:00:42,200
* PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS *
1383
01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:44,233
* ARE MESSIN' WITH MY BRAIN *
95655
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