Original subtitles

- Take a look at your daughter.

- Yeah? So? She looks happy.

- If she's happy, that's-- that's very happy.

- What? Should we call a doctor, ray?

- I'm-- look, I'm just saying,

Look, look how good it is to be five.

Aw, you're truly happy at five.

Your happiness peaks at five. - Oh!

Come on, I'm happy.

- You're not that happy. You can't be, look at her.

Ally, what are you thinking of?

- Candy.

- Candy! Huh, you're that happy?

When's the last time you daydreamed about candy?

You can't do that as an adult.

You can try, you don't get far.

Candy, candy-- oh, cavities. Cavities!

Oh, no money! Who am I? Why am I here?

What am I doing? Am I gay?

See? Candy, candy doesn't work.

- Try this candy.

- Happy now?

- Candy! - Yeah!

- Hi, I'm ray.

I live here in long island

With my wife, debra,

My five-year-old daughter,

And twin almost-two-year-old boys.

My parents live across the street.

That's right.

The truth is, I'd do anything for my family.

And--done.

Oh, no--

Unh! Debra!

Honeeey!

Somebody! Call my father!

I'm hyperventilating!

- Will you stop?

You're driving me nuts, frank.

I sa--

I said stop.

This is who you are now--

Like you were in a home for old ladies?

- I find it relaxing.

- Oh-ho.

Fish sticks?

- Yes!

you don't eat fish sticks.

I once made them for you, and you said,

"no, that's not the way god wanted fish."

- You never made them.

- I did too. - Not for me.

- Frank!

- When did you make fish sticks?

- When they first came out.

- Hi. - Hello, ray.

- Hi. You hungry?

- No. No, I just ate.

No. Don't lie to me. Sit down.

- Listen, what are you guys doing Saturday?

- Here. Jell-o for the kids. Save 30¢.

- Oh--thanks, dad.

Now I can buy that boat.

- What's Saturday, dear?

- Debra's parents. Uh--

- Ugh.

- Not howie and eva.

- Warren and lois, dad.

You're not even close.

Why don't you see if you got a coupon in there

For shock treatments?

- No, we're busy Saturday.

- Oh, come on, ma. They don't come that often.

- Oh, no.

They're too busy gallivanting around the world.

- Where did they go for christmas last year?

Morocco?

- So what?

- What are they trying to prove?

- They're so pretentious.

About how beautiful it is in connecticut.

- Look, you have to see your in-laws, all right.

They're going to be across the street.

What, are you going to hide?

- I got a chair now up in the attic.

- Come on, you know how debra is with this family thing.

I know, it's insane.

But, please, look, I promise,

It'll all be over before warren can say,

"I bought another sculpture."

- He's such an ass.

- What about lois?

I prefer dark chocolate.

- All right, good. So you'll come.

You can find new things to make fun of them.

It's for debra, really.

- Well, couldn't you tell debra once and for all

It's enough with her parents?

- What are you talking about?

- Don't you feel the same way about them?

- No, ma. I like them.

- Come on. - What?

- Come on. You hate their guts.

- Enough already, okay?

All right, look, so they're a little--sophisticated.

- He admits it. We're better.

- Look, you know they're not my favorite people, all right?

But you got to be nice Saturday.

It's for debra-- and for me, indirectly.

- I will be my usual charming self.

- Yeah.

- I'll even bring a present.

Here. 30¢ off dijon mustard.

A poupon coupon.

- Ha, ha, ha, ha!

- Good. Good.

Hey, good to see you two getting along.

- Who taught you how to dust?

- Self-taught. - Ah.

Listen, I'll do that,

And you go and just straighten all that stuff

Up over there, okay?

- What the hell is this?

- Don't-- ray, careful, careful!

- I just bought it at a gallery today.

It's peruvian.

Isn't it great?

- Yeah. Where does the pepper come out?

- Oh--

They're here. Come on. Hurry up.

Are those the pants you're wearing?

No. No.

- Ray! Co-- don't!

Put it back. Come on.

Hi!

- There's my little sweetie pie.

Oh, hello, darling!

Hello, ray.

- Hello.

I was, uh, just--

Dusting.

- Crazy as ever, raymond.

- Ah! There's no off switch here, warren.

- Oh, hello, darling.

Where are the kids?

- Jail. Ha, ha, ha!

- It's-- it's nap time.

- Oh.

Oh, honey, this is beautiful.

I love peruvian art.

- It's incan.

- Macchu picchu?

- Gesundheit.

- He always says that.

- Oh, and it's funny every time.

- It's us. - Hello.

- Hello, in-laws.

Hello, sweetie.

Oh. This is for you.

- Oh, you shouldn't have.

- Now, now.

That's a box of the finest milk chocolate.

- Thank you, marie.

I still haven't quite finished the last box.

- Warren, how have you been?

Where are you going on your next vacation?

Maui?

- A little further, actually.

- We're going to vietnam.

- What? - Vietnam?

What, do you owe charlie some payback?

- Oh, I've been reading that vietnam

Is a fascinating place to go now.

Oh, I would love to see it.

- Yeah. Or we could just rent "apocalypse now."

- So, marie--

What's new with you?

Have you seen any new shows in town?

- I saw the three tenors last week on tv.

I think pbs is wonderful.

- Until they start asking for money.

- We just saw some very funky experimental stuff

At the performing garage.

- Oh, and we saw "stomp."

- Oh, I loved "stomp."

- Who's "stomp"?

- Well, it's sort of like a rhythmic dance.

These guys sort of bang together

Anything they can find--

Trash cans, hubcaps, brooms.

- And you loved it.

- Ohh!

Loved it. We're going back.

- How much do they charge for this?

- $40. - Ohh!

- For 20 bucks, I'll bang on my garbage cans

Till your ears bleed.

- Hey, look at this--

That's 12 bucks.

- Ray, can I see you in the kitchen, right now?

- Yeah. Okay. Here I come.

- Another 15 bucks!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

- 15 bucks.

- What are you guys doing?

- Oh, nothing. We're--we're stompin'.

- You're making fun of my parents.

- No, no.

All right, we're making a little fun of them, all right?

Vietnam.

It comes from love.

- Listen, I know you've never been crazy about them,

But can't you at least pretend?

- I am pretending.

No, no, I mean--

Look, I mean, I love your parents, all right.

In fact, you're robbing me of my time with them.

where the hell have you been?

- Everything okay?

- Oh, yeah. Couldn't be better.

Debra and I were just saying

It's a shame we don't spend more time together.

- We were just thinking the same thing.

So why don't we all have dinner together tomorrow night?

- Huh?

- Well, we have a reservation at le bernardoux.

We'll just expand it. We'll all go.

- That's a four-star restaurant.

- No, no, no. Thank you.

We don't go to those kinds of places because--

Well, it's just too much.

- I don't like to get dressed.

- Don't be silly.

In fact, ray, bring your brother.

- Oh, boy.

- Now, doesn't this sound like fun?

Oh, come on, you guys. Our treat.

It would mean so much to us.

- But we're just so very busy.

- Ray?

- Well, we're not too busy for our in-laws.

Yes, yes. Le bernardoux.

The whole family. Together.

- Great.

- Oh, it's going to be so thrilling.

- It'll be more fun than vietnam.

- Bonsoir. Welcome to le bernardoux.

- Holy crap.

- Uh, we're with the whelan party.

- Yes, your hosts have arrived already.

I'll be glad to take you to your table.

- Am I going to have to tip this guy?

- No. We'll seat ourselves, thank you.

Come on, let's go.

- What's with your parents?

It's like the first time they've worn shoes.

- Ray.

- What? What is it?

With those dressed-up waiters?

- Yeah. What's wrong with dressed-up waiters?

- They give me the willies.

Always putting you on the spot.

It's like-- authority figures.

- Authority figures?

You're a police sergeant, okay?

You outrank the waiter.

- Yeah, but how's he going to know?

- Come on. It'll be all right. Come on.

- Hi.

- Officer robert. - Hello.

- How are you?

- Hi.

- Hello, robert. - How are you?

- How's police work treating you?

- Oh, you know.

One day you're rescuing a puppy,

And the next day

You're fishing a skull out of a toilet.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- I am gerard.

Here are your menus.

- Oh, excuse me,

But there's so much silverware on the table.

What's all the silverware for?

- For you to eat with, madame.

- Oh, no, no, no. That's too much.

Oh, no, look. I mean, that's wasteful.

I got five forks. Take three back.

And all these plates.

That means extra washing.

Give me your plates. Go ahead.

- Yeah, me, too.

I don't need all these glasses.

How many mouths do you think I got?

- I have too many parents.

Could you take one of them, please?

- I'll be back shortly with tonight's specials.

- What kind of food do they serve here?

- I believe it's french.

- Ever been to France?

- Oh, no, no. We're not world travelers.

- Oh, France is so lovely.

You have to go.

- I don't appreciate the french--

As a people.

I find them--

Annoying.

Truly.

- You're an interesting man.

- Remember that time in provence?

- Oh, this is funny.

- We were in provence, and I asked our waiter,

"what are all these little herbs

Sprinkled on everything?"

And the waiter says,

"herbs de provence."

- Oh, warren.

- Fresh bread?

- Here we go.

- Hey, look at this.

Look at all that bread, huh?

Boy, I'm so glad we came here.

- You got any rye bread?

- No, sir, I'm sorry, we do not.

- I like rye bread.

- Well, they don't have any, dad.

- I'll have a baguette over here.

- You got all these kinds of breads.

What do you do when jewish people come in here?

- Would you like to speak with the manager, sir?

- Is he jewish?

- Dad, just take a roll, okay?

Sorry, man.

- Hey, don't apologize.

The customer is always right.

Am I right?

- I would never argue with you, frank.

- I don't get these places.

- Perhaps you'd like to hear tonight's specials.

- Please. - In addition to the menu,

The chef has prepared a crab in a puff pastry.

It's a dungeness crab

In a light butter and garlic sauce--

- How much is that?

- It's $32, sir.

- Ohh! - Jeezaloo!

- Now, frank,

You're not allowed to look at the prices tonight.

- Warren, wake up, will you?

This guy's got both his hands in your pocket!

- Look, could we have a minute here, please?

- Certainly. Thank you.

- Thanks.

This guy's really workin' me.

- Frank, I assure you, uh, it's okay.

We've been here before.

- So you don't even know when you're being taken.

- Dad, nobody's being taken, all right?

Calm down. Just try to enjoy yourself.

- Frank has an eye for value.

- You're really comfortable in a place like this?

I mean, it seems so unnecessary.

- Of course it's not necessary, marie.

It's a luxury.

But sometimes a little luxury is necessary.

- What does that mean?

- See, marie, every once in a while,

My family just likes to try and enjoy life.

- Well, I guess we just don't understand.

- Well, not everyone can understand everything.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It's all right, dad. It's okay.

- You taking their side now?

- I'm--

- Is anyone else--

Hot and cold?

- Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

- Of course it's not a good idea.

It's a bad idea. It's a very bad idea.

What, am I the only one who can see this?

- Ray, what are you doing?

- These people shouldn't be at the same table together.

They shouldn't be in the same state.

My parents like to stay home and watch tv,

And your parents honeymoon in cambodia.

- Excuse me. Sri lanka.

- Well, who cares?

- Ray!

- I mean I care, I care, okay?

And I know you care,

'cause that's the kind of people you are.

You like to make jokes about herbs

That nobody gets,

And you go to France, and you go to stomp,

And you go to some basement in a village

To watch a transvestite carve a yam into a monkey.

- Why, ray,

I had no idea you felt that way about us.

- I don't, I don't. I don't feel that way.

I don't. I'm just--

I'm--I'm making conversation.

- Don't you have to go to your house?

- I can't. I took your side.

I may have to wait until the red cross tells me

It's safe to go back.

Boy, they were pretty mad, huh?

- And you know what?

Who could blame them? - What?

I was mortified, the way you behaved tonight.

- Me?

- You blew the whole evening.

Where did you learn your manners?

- What are you talking about?

- Great dinner, raymond.

I think I'll go to my room and chew on some jerky.

- Marie, cook something, will you?

Thanks to your son, we didn't even get to eat.

- I got some frozen ziti and some leftover turkey.

- Not exactly four-star, is it?

- You embarrassed us.

- Wait a minute. I don't get you guys.

You didn't want to go.

You complained the whole time.

What are you mad at me for?

- You were rude.

- I was rude?

- Yes. We didn't raise you like that.

- You don't insult your host.

- Not to their face.

Where's your discretion?

- What are you talking about?

I only said what I said because of you two.

- What did we do?

- What did you do?

It was like the night the hillbillies landed.

- All I did was try to save the man some money.

Going on about yams and transvestites, dear.

- I'll tell you something else.

There were things on that menu

I could have gone for right now.

- I thought you knew more

About what being a family meant.

I mean, what would happen to the world

If everybody told their families what they actually thought?

- Maybe you should think before you speak.

- Ohh--I'm a man without a country.

Oh, you're up.

- I couldn't believe you tonight, ray.

You were so rude.

- Good. It's unanimous.

- Let me ask you something.

Do you know how many things

I can find wrong with your parents?

- Oh, that's like asking how many rocks are there.

- How would you like it if I marched over there right now

And told your parents

All the things that I didn't like about them?

- Great. I'll get the video camera.

- Narrow-minded, intrusive,

Completely insensitive,

Oblivious, and cheap.

- Okay, now let's do my mother.

- I am serious, ray.

- I know.

- Except I would never say anything

Because the closeness of this family

Is very important to me.

- Yeah. Evenings like this.

I--look, I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry. Really.

- Yes. You're sorry. What are you sorry for?

- I'm sorry we have parents.

- Come on, ray.

- I'm sor--look,

I didn't want to insult them.

I was embarrassed, that's all.

I was embarrassed, and I snapped.

I didn't want to insult your parents.

I'm sorry I ruined the evening.

- What else?

- There's a what else?

- You're going to call my parents tomorrow

- Yes, of course. I look forward to it.

I'd call them right now,

But they're probably at a midnight show

Of mummenschanz.

Come on.

Please, just forgive me, all right?

I'll throw in a dinner for two

At le bernardoux.

- Does it have to be with you?

- Yes. You're stuck with me.

Hmm? Okay?

- Okay.

Jerk.

You know what really worried me tonight, ray,

Is you started to remind me of your parents.

- Oh, hey, there's no need to name-call.

- The other thing that bothered me

Is I think I'm a little bit like mine.

- Yeah, but, see, there's a difference.

- What?

- I don't mind you.

- I guess I don't mind you either.

- Hey, our wedding vows.

- Yeah.

- So we just made up. - Mmm.

- I think it might be time for make-up sex.

- Does it have to be with you?