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1
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:05,433
WOMAN [ON TV]:
The state senate met today to discuss...
2
00:00:05,605 --> 00:00:07,300
...the appointment
of a new federal judge...
3
00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:09,840
...to fill the seat
vacated by Gerald Thompson...
4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,672
...who died in November.
The city comptroller commented...
5
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,610
...that no statistics released
by the Oversight Committee...
6
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:17,977
...reflect a need for change
in the budget plan.
7
00:00:18,151 --> 00:00:20,415
The mayor has scheduled
a news conference today...
8
00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:24,023
...where he is expected to smear his shit
all over my fat natural boobs.
9
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:26,988
Channel 4 will carry the mayor's
news conference live tomorrow--
10
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,184
[PAUSES TV]
11
00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:32,397
--for change in the budget plan.
12
00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:34,624
The mayor has scheduled
a news conference...
13
00:00:34,801 --> 00:00:36,894
...where he is expected
to address concerns...
14
00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:40,005
...that his office gave unfair advantage
to private contractors...
15
00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:43,836
...who shaved his balls and peed in
his mother's mouth, because she likes that.
16
00:00:44,010 --> 00:00:45,034
She's a whore.
17
00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,543
Channel 4 will carry
the mayor's news conference live tomo--
18
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:48,738
[PAUSES TV]
19
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:52,081
My vagina is three feet away
from my face.
20
00:00:52,252 --> 00:00:54,243
[PAUSES, REWINDS TV]
21
00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:58,747
The mayor's mom drinks pee,
and Jews are dirty.
22
00:00:58,925 --> 00:01:01,086
We'll be right back
with the sports and weather.
23
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,252
[NEWS THEME PLAYING]
24
00:01:32,492 --> 00:01:35,256
Hello.
Hi.
25
00:01:35,728 --> 00:01:37,025
[GASPS]
26
00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:40,689
Oh.
27
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:43,633
[GROANS]
28
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,128
[PHONE RINGS]
29
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:46,636
Hello?
30
00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:51,569
You mean Liz Ciani, on Channel 4?
31
00:01:51,744 --> 00:01:52,768
Did you bang her?
32
00:01:53,513 --> 00:01:56,004
No.
What's wrong with you?
33
00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:59,914
It was a dream.
Idiot. Go back to sleep right now.
34
00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:02,281
Get back there
and bang the hell out of her.
35
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:04,753
Go back to sleep now.
36
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,584
[SIGHS]
37
00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:11,094
[GRUNTS]
38
00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:14,022
[NEWS THEME PLAYING]
39
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:20,496
[GASPS]
40
00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:23,639
Oh. Oh, good, you're here.
41
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:26,040
Hi.
Hi. Uh--
42
00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:28,442
Do-- Do you wanna have sex with me?
43
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:31,948
What? But you're just a little boy.
44
00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:34,079
What?
45
00:02:34,787 --> 00:02:37,153
Daddy. Daddy.
46
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:41,419
Daddy. Daddy! Daddy!
47
00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:43,323
Daddy! Da--
48
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:47,296
Daddy! I can't sleep.
49
00:02:48,134 --> 00:02:51,831
What?
Can I have some ice cream?
50
00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:53,565
No.
51
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:56,607
How come you get to have ice cream
and I don't?
52
00:02:56,776 --> 00:02:58,243
[SIGHS]
53
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,836
Just-- Here.
54
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,582
[GRUNTS]
55
00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:07,342
[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE"
PLAYING]
56
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:18,494
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
57
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:24,034
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
58
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:28,538
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
59
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:33,042
Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry
60
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:37,650
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
61
00:03:37,817 --> 00:03:42,345
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
62
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:46,982
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
63
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:51,688
Louie, Louie, you're gonna die
64
00:03:51,864 --> 00:03:56,358
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
65
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,961
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
66
00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:13,047
I so don't wanna be here right now.
67
00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:14,243
Where do you wanna be?
68
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:15,444
[EXHALES]
69
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:16,611
I don't know.
70
00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:20,520
Twenty-five years old
and all my mistakes ahead of me.
71
00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:25,328
Hey, what are you doing this summer?
You going anywhere?
72
00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:29,661
I was thinking about taking Serge
to visit some friends in Nantucket.
73
00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:32,430
Whose dick was so long
he could suck it?
74
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:33,629
What?
75
00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:37,469
There was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
76
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:39,669
Really? What happened to him?
77
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:41,006
I don't know.
78
00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:43,273
He's probably dead by now.
It's a pretty old limerick.
79
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:44,677
Mm.
80
00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:46,612
Look at that kid.
81
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:52,815
Oh, Jesus. Whose kid is that?
I don't know.
82
00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:55,085
LOUIE: Somebody's gotta get that stick
away from him.
83
00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:56,990
PAMELA:
He's heading towards your Lilly.
84
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:04,796
Hey! Hey!
85
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:09,135
Give me that back! Give me that back!
86
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:14,445
LOUIE: Little douche bag.
That was awesome.
87
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:15,876
Thank you very much.
88
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,676
[LAUGHS]
89
00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:20,517
[CLEARS THROAT]
90
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:22,647
Hey, listen, um....
91
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,149
Uh-oh.
92
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,791
What?
93
00:05:25,958 --> 00:05:28,153
Nothing. Go ahead.
94
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:30,390
Look, I just....
95
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:34,465
I don't know what your situation is
with your kid's dad, and while I--
96
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:36,864
You know, we're friends,
and I value that.
97
00:05:37,036 --> 00:05:39,732
But I just was thinking that maybe--
98
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:42,272
Yeah. Like I said: "Uh-oh."
99
00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:45,172
Why?
Because you wanna sleep with me.
100
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:49,876
Well, or dinner.
Have dinner or something. I don't know.
101
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:54,077
Let me ask you a question.
What?
102
00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:56,153
Why would I sleep with you?
103
00:05:57,190 --> 00:06:01,718
Why?
Why would I get into a bed with you?
104
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:04,962
Because you're very tired.
105
00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:06,155
[CHUCKLES]
106
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:07,856
Long day and....
107
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:12,731
I don't know why.
Maybe because you're very attracted to me.
108
00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:15,703
Oh, really?
Yeah. You are dying to sleep with me.
109
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:19,436
And you've been praying to Jesus
every night that I would ask you.
110
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:21,807
"Please let him ask me."
111
00:06:21,981 --> 00:06:24,279
Really? You really think that?
112
00:06:24,450 --> 00:06:26,281
No, I don't.
113
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:28,920
Then why? Why would I do it?
114
00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:31,417
I don't think you would.
115
00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:35,049
I just want to--
Mm-hm.
116
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,196
--and I was hoping that you would let me.
117
00:06:37,363 --> 00:06:39,627
[LAUGHS]
118
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:45,700
That's the greatest line, ahem,
ever told.
119
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:47,134
Well, so...?
120
00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:49,433
It's never gonna happen, pal.
All right.
121
00:06:49,609 --> 00:06:52,373
Try hitting one of these other moms.
Oh, God.
122
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:54,803
PAMELA:
Look at her.
123
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:58,439
I bet she'd suck your dick just to break
the awful pattern of her life.
124
00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:00,882
Maybe.
PAMELA: How about her?
125
00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:03,021
I bet if you ripped off that puffy coat...
126
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:07,523
...she'd let you rub your smelly little cock
all over her depressing tits.
127
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,857
I could see that.
128
00:07:10,496 --> 00:07:11,588
Hey, how about that guy?
129
00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:15,632
Wouldn't you like to climb on his head
and rub your dirty bush all over his glasses?
130
00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:18,600
I already did. It was good.
Nice.
131
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:20,504
See that guy?
132
00:07:20,673 --> 00:07:23,073
I bet he'd be happy to cram his balls
right in your puss hole.
133
00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:24,266
[CHUCKLES]
134
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:25,468
Oh, my God, his balls?
135
00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:29,445
Yeah. Like if he just gathered them up
and just crammed them in your puss.
136
00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:32,880
Daddy, could I have some carrots?
Yeah, sweetie.
137
00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:35,182
Here. Share these with Serge, okay?
138
00:07:35,354 --> 00:07:37,185
Okay.
All right.
139
00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:42,789
But how does he get his balls
into my pussy?
140
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,623
Like-- It's like packing a pipe.
141
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:47,823
Like, he just packs it in
with his thumb, like this.
142
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,496
See, I gotta admit, I don't hate that.
Right?
143
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:52,865
I was at the airport with my kids.
I was at JFK.
144
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:55,803
They had to go to the bathroom.
I had to go to the bathroom.
145
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:59,433
So take yourself through that logically.
What do I do? What do I do?
146
00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:03,639
I can't take them to the ladies' room.
I can't just go, "Go on in there, girls...
147
00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,842
...into the public restroom
of an international airport."
148
00:08:07,019 --> 00:08:08,077
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
149
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:13,851
Just release my custody of them
to whoever's in there.
150
00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:19,521
"Go ahead. Good luck to you.
Maybe I'll see you later."
151
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:24,360
I gotta take them into the men's room.
That's what I have to do...
152
00:08:24,537 --> 00:08:27,597
...is take them into
the John F. Kennedy Airport men's room.
153
00:08:27,773 --> 00:08:31,140
"Look, girls, nine penises.
154
00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:35,940
Nine penises that are all peeing
at the same time.
155
00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:41,747
Nine farting men from all over the world,
with their dicks out...
156
00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:47,291
...shaking off droplets of pee
from their syphilitic penises.
157
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:51,260
Look, three of them have foreskins.
You can see the difference now."
158
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:57,560
What am I gonna do?
159
00:08:57,737 --> 00:09:02,265
So I usher them past
the parade of penises into a stall...
160
00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:05,035
...the Shangri-la of a stall...
161
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:12,208
...the sanctity of an airport bathroom stall,
number five out of ten.
162
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,444
And we're in there like this...
163
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:17,088
...and there's a guy shitting,
and there's a guy sh--
164
00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:22,353
Right here, there's--
I'm looking at the foot of a shitting man.
165
00:09:22,528 --> 00:09:28,091
This foot. He's trying to get leverage
so he can shit harder.
166
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:31,794
And he is shitting like--
Oh, my God. Just:
167
00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:34,030
Pssh, plop, plop.
168
00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:38,438
It sounded like soup cans and pennies
just tumbling into the water.
169
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,008
Like his asshole dilated like this...
170
00:09:44,183 --> 00:09:48,313
...and the world fell out of it
into the toilet.
171
00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:49,511
And he's going:
172
00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:51,213
[GRUNTING]
173
00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:52,516
And then I hear him go:
174
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:53,886
[SPITTING]
175
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:55,322
So now I know...
176
00:09:55,494 --> 00:10:01,592
...that he's spitting past his dick
into his own shit and piss.
177
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:06,564
And he's literally 14 inches away
from my daughter's little face.
178
00:10:08,841 --> 00:10:11,639
And I get to know that
that's what's going on in there.
179
00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:20,011
LILLY:
Wow.
180
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:26,114
Girls, let's go. Let's go. Now. Please.
181
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:28,953
Come on, Lilly. We're late.
182
00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:32,289
I'm sorry for yelling,
but we're very late. I don't....
183
00:10:33,165 --> 00:10:34,723
Jane. Jane. Jane.
184
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:39,098
Jane. Jane.
Put it down. Put it down. Put it down.
185
00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:41,136
Just come on.
186
00:10:42,341 --> 00:10:45,276
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Bye, honey.
187
00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:46,536
See you later.
Hey.
188
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:48,236
All right.
189
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:52,545
Come on. Come on.
Let's go, honey, please. Let's go.
190
00:10:56,589 --> 00:11:00,685
Daddy, in school we're reading out loud--
Up. Honey, go up. Up.
191
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,590
I love you. I'm sorry. Let's just go.
192
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,539
Hey. How you been, man?
193
00:11:14,707 --> 00:11:17,608
I can't do it anymore, man. I just--
Seriously, I can't do it.
194
00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:19,039
Do what?
195
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:22,374
It's-- It's just--
It's 8:30 in the morning. I'm done.
196
00:11:22,548 --> 00:11:24,448
I barely got them to school on time.
197
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:26,778
And now, what,
I'm just gonna go home...
198
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:29,420
...eat something bad and jack off
and pass out.
199
00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:32,284
Then it's time to pick them up again.
Yeah, the grind.
200
00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:35,222
Yeah, man, I can't do it.
I feel like shit all the time.
201
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:38,591
Yeah, but look at yourself, man.
Gotta get into shape.
202
00:11:38,764 --> 00:11:41,790
Seriously. Being a parent
is like being an athlete, right?
203
00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:43,832
Gotta train for it so it's not so hard.
204
00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:45,600
Pfft. Ugh.
205
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:47,796
You ever work with a trainer?
Ha-ha-ha.
206
00:11:47,973 --> 00:11:49,463
No.
Dude, you should do that.
207
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,941
Seriously. It'll change your life.
I could train you.
208
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:54,977
You're a trainer?
I do a lot of things.
209
00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:57,115
This is what we do.
We go down to your gym.
210
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,547
Bring me in there.
You let me give you a session.
211
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,209
If you like it....
212
00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:04,652
You know what? That'd be good.
Yeah?
213
00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:07,759
That'd be good, yeah. When is good
for you? When can you do it?
214
00:12:07,927 --> 00:12:10,259
How about now? I'm not busy.
Yeah, no. I gotta--
215
00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:13,296
You gotta go home and take a nap,
eat some bad food, jack off?
216
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:14,933
That sounds really busy.
Yeah.
217
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:17,092
No, you're right, you're right.
218
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:19,969
Yeah. Let's do it, man.
All right.
219
00:12:20,139 --> 00:12:22,369
Okay. Let's go. I--
Let's go.
220
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:25,634
[KEYPAD BEEPING]
221
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,836
Here we go.
We're gonna start out with a jog.
222
00:12:28,013 --> 00:12:30,880
Okay.
Okay?
223
00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:32,742
You okay?
224
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:34,385
Totally.
Okay.
225
00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:36,077
No, it's good.
Good? Keep going?
226
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,916
Yeah, totally.
All right, Rocky.
227
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:39,182
I'm good. No, I'm good.
228
00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:41,519
Feeling it?
Yeah, I can do that.
229
00:12:42,628 --> 00:12:44,027
[PANTING]
230
00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:45,993
How you doing? You okay?
Yeah, no, I'm okay.
231
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:47,189
[COUGHS]
232
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:48,663
I'm okay. I'm okay.
233
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:52,565
I gotta stop. I gotta stop. I gotta stop.
No. Pain is a door. Walk through it.
234
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:55,730
No, I really gotta stop. I'm serious.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
235
00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:57,273
I'm sorry.
236
00:12:58,644 --> 00:13:02,080
One, two, three, four, five.
237
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:05,978
One, two--
238
00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:08,143
[EXHALING]
239
00:13:08,988 --> 00:13:12,924
Okay. Squat. Pick them up. Curl.
240
00:13:13,092 --> 00:13:15,754
Press. Above your head. Whew.
241
00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:17,793
Shoot your feet back.
242
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,328
Pushup. Let's do it.
243
00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:23,434
You're an animal. Let's go.
Yeah. Okay.
244
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:25,863
[GRUNTS]
245
00:13:26,038 --> 00:13:27,801
Good. Try to stand straight.
Okay.
246
00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:29,270
Good.
247
00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:31,873
[GROANING]
248
00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:34,239
Feel it, buddy.
Feel the burn. Come on.
249
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:35,505
I can't.
You can't--?
250
00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,148
What do you mean?
I'm too fat.
251
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:40,615
Push it out. Suck it. Suck that dick.
252
00:13:40,786 --> 00:13:44,153
Let's go. Eat it up.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
253
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:47,417
Breathe and push it out.
Okay.
254
00:13:47,593 --> 00:13:50,585
Yeah, baby! Yeah!
Ah!
255
00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,856
Yeah. All right.
All right?
256
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:54,056
Thanks. Oh.
Good.
257
00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:56,201
Forty-five more.
Shit.
258
00:13:57,169 --> 00:14:01,333
Break yourself. Do it. Good.
Yeah. Yeah. Aah! Aah!
259
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,635
Good. Nice.
260
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:06,903
You're an animal. Do it.
261
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:09,547
Looking good.
262
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,040
Yes.
263
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:15,186
All in the mind, baby.
264
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,846
[YELLING]
265
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:23,554
Come on, Louie.
266
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,194
Hey, come on.
267
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,567
Can you try?
268
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:30,395
Come on, buddy. Try and--
269
00:14:30,569 --> 00:14:31,593
No?
270
00:14:31,770 --> 00:14:33,670
[GROANING]
271
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:35,639
Okay.
272
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:40,936
Uh.... Louie?
273
00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:45,610
[SIRENS WAILING]
274
00:14:45,784 --> 00:14:47,775
[EKG BEEPING]
275
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:05,226
[WOMAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]
276
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:18,507
[COUGHS]
277
00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:20,276
Louie. Louie. Hi.
You're in the hospital.
278
00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:24,149
It's Ben. It's Ben. Hey, hey, hey.
No. Leave that. Leave that.
279
00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:25,813
Right. How you feeling?
280
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:27,015
[GROANS]
281
00:15:27,192 --> 00:15:29,183
Well, yeah.
282
00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:31,886
I told you, you've gotta start
taking care of yourself.
283
00:15:32,064 --> 00:15:33,622
What happened?
284
00:15:33,799 --> 00:15:34,891
[MUMBLING]
285
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:37,058
No, leave that. It's important.
286
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:41,533
So you gotta tell us all the details.
We've got nothing to go on here. We got--
287
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:42,765
We're in the-- What? The--?
288
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,000
[MUFFLED]
I was working out.
289
00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:45,734
A wanger ow.
I don't know what that is.
290
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,641
[MUFFLED] I was at the gym.
Washafwem. What is that?
291
00:15:48,814 --> 00:15:52,773
I can't understand what you're saying.
Well, take that shit out of your mouth.
292
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,386
It's not doing anything, anyway.
Oh, Jesus, man.
293
00:15:55,554 --> 00:15:57,784
[LAUGHS]
294
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:02,360
Damn it. Asshole.
What are you doing here, anyway?
295
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:05,088
You put me as one of
your emergency contacts, you idiot.
296
00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:07,289
That was a mistake.
Wait till you see my bill for a hospital visit.
297
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:08,558
[WHISTLES]
298
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:09,758
Great. Thank you.
299
00:16:09,935 --> 00:16:13,302
So, what happened?
I was at the gym.
300
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:14,803
Don't do that.
Yeah.
301
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,807
You gotta realize
you can't do normal things anymore.
302
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:21,344
You haven't got a body as such.
You've just got a collection of broken...
303
00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:25,711
...mushed-up organs in a big, ginger,
sweaty skin sack.
304
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:28,717
I get it, okay? Not today.
305
00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:30,946
So go on. You were working out.
Yeah. And?
306
00:16:31,123 --> 00:16:34,456
I just-- I got into this really bad place.
I felt really, really bad.
307
00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:36,025
And then I just passed out.
308
00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:38,018
A lesson learned.
309
00:16:38,197 --> 00:16:41,894
The lesson being:
You're gonna die very soon from--
310
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,091
[LAUGHS]
311
00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:44,758
I'd like to die right now, please.
312
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:47,132
So I don't have to listen
to this shit from you.
313
00:16:47,306 --> 00:16:49,399
MAN: How we doing today?
Hi.
314
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,634
Louie, I'm Dr. Drake.
Hello.
315
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:53,641
I'm Ben. I'm Louie's doctor.
316
00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:56,679
I just came in to see how he was doing.
Well, that's fine.
317
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:59,909
How is he?
Well, it was a pretty serious episode.
318
00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:01,580
Really?
319
00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:05,349
Normally, I like to have a kind of windup
to this kind of news...
320
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:06,991
...but we need to act fast here.
321
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:11,027
Your heart suffered a minor trauma last
night, and you're very lucky that it did...
322
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:13,130
...because when we did
your chest x-ray...
323
00:17:13,298 --> 00:17:16,165
...it revealed a massive myocardial
defecation.
324
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:20,266
What is that?
325
00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:23,734
Well, it's very dangerous...
326
00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:28,005
...very rare, and fatal in most cases.
327
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:33,511
What it is is a giant pile of feces or shit
that is sitting right on top of your heart.
328
00:17:34,253 --> 00:17:37,450
Usually, this is caused
by a bad marriage.
329
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,519
[BOTH LAUGHING]
330
00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:41,784
Jesus.
Amazing.
331
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,588
That was absolutely perfect.
No problem. See you later.
332
00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:47,323
Nice to have met you. Big fan.
Yeah, thank you, prick.
333
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:50,730
Terrific. Oh, my God.
That's the best thing I've ever done.
334
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,999
A sweet old man making you shit yourself.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
335
00:17:55,174 --> 00:17:56,471
I'm proud of myself.
336
00:17:56,642 --> 00:17:58,735
That's the weird thing.
You're an asshole.
337
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,311
I'm more proud of that than saving lives.
338
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,812
You don't wanna spend
your spare time...
339
00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:06,246
...transplanting a face
on a burn victim that's--
340
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:09,285
No. I'd rather transplant
a burn victim's face--
341
00:18:09,455 --> 00:18:11,184
Get his burned face, take that off...
342
00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:14,120
...and put it on your face
even though you didn't need it.
343
00:18:14,293 --> 00:18:16,693
And your face I'd take off,
but he wouldn't want it.
344
00:18:16,862 --> 00:18:20,320
He'd go, "No, I'd rather go around
screaming in agony as a skull...
345
00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:23,900
...than have that fat, freckly,
ginger moron's face.
346
00:18:24,069 --> 00:18:25,627
I tell you where you can put it."
347
00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:29,706
I go, "Where?" He goes, "I also burnt my
genitals and my anus. Put that face there.
348
00:18:29,875 --> 00:18:33,470
That's where I'd rather-- That's--
That's the only way I'm taking that face...
349
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:38,344
...is if it's instead of genitals
and anal material. Okay?"
350
00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:43,880
But I'm here to tell you,
you're not gonna die immediately.
351
00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:46,650
Fine.
You're just as unhealthy--
352
00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:49,487
I know. I gotta get into shape.
No. No. The opposite.
353
00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:50,685
You're so far gone...
354
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:54,765
...you're such a pointless sort of creature
now, that to try and get fit...
355
00:18:54,933 --> 00:18:58,027
...this'll always happen.
You'll always hit that ceiling. You're--
356
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:03,505
Just don't try and get healthy.
Eat what you want, and die early.
357
00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:06,968
LOUIE: I think about killing myself
sometimes. I'll be honest with you.
358
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,477
And it's not from depression.
359
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:11,480
It's not one of those, you know,
pathetic kind of like:
360
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:12,674
"Ugh. I hate my life.
361
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:17,618
I wanna kill myself and end the pain."
It's not like that. It's like a fantasy.
362
00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:21,122
I'm like, "Oh, what if I died?
That would be awesome. Mm."
363
00:19:21,293 --> 00:19:23,284
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
364
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:27,697
I just look at the river, and I'm like,
"I just wanna get in there.
365
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:31,927
You know, just get all snuggly
in a river and die in it."
366
00:19:39,144 --> 00:19:41,112
Three people
were severely injured today...
367
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,580
...when somebody put baby diarrhea
on a Mexican pizza.
368
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:49,752
Police commissioner Richard Lampley
farted into a box today...
369
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:53,016
...and gave it to some douche bag
who lives downstairs.
370
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,558
The mayor has scheduled
a news conference today...
371
00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:58,992
...where he is expected
to fart all over my tits 48 times.
372
00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:01,223
Channel 4 will carry the news-- N--
373
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,391
Oh. Dang.
MAN: It's all right. You added "all over."
374
00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:05,594
I did? What was I--?
MAN: Yeah.
375
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:08,865
"Fart on my tits."
Wait. "Fart on my tits." Okay.
376
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:13,040
MAN: And really enunciate that
so we don't miss it.
377
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:18,240
"--where he is expected to fart on my tits
48 times." Okay.
378
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:20,675
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
379
00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:35,523
[English - US - PSDH]
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