Original subtitles

Thank you for tuning in, all you home viewers.

Welcome to… The Jeremy Show.

Jeremy, what are you doing here?

I mean, I know I may not have been 100 percent truthful,

but that’s really no--

Shut up!

It’s my turn to talk.

- (muffled grunt) - You don’t get to talk anymore.

You’re done spewing lies!

I’m here to tell what really happened that day.

No more of your lame, lying, fake news version.

One more step and I’ll shoot!

♪Where the bears are, We wanna be♪

SEASON 6 EPISODE 15 BEARS ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP, PART TWO

- He made everything up... - (muffled grunt)

...just to make himself look good.

That day, four years ago,

when they all thought I was dead and they were happy about it…

well, I wasn’t.

I survived...

only to have to endure

his disgusting, meteoric rise to fame…

at my expense!

I go to sleep every night boiling with rage,

desperate for a chance to bring him down a peg...

and then a fucking miracle happened.

- (muffled speaking) - What?

You can’t say “fuck” on basic cable.

Fuck you!

And then I saw him on GROWLr in Mexico,

where I’ve been hiding out for the last four years.

I couldn’t believe my luck.

I was the last person he expected to see that day.

Miss me, Reggie-Reg?

But he didn’t save the day like he claimed.

Hell no, he ran, screaming like a little girl.

(screaming like a little girl)

Didn’t you?

Hey, they need our help.

- Let's go. - We gotta get up there.

Hey, where are you boys going?

I got a quiche in the oven.

Screw this.

I couldn’t stand seeing his smug,

self-important face on TV anymore,

so I came back to finish what I started four years ago.

Go on, Reggie, do us all a favor and jump!

(imitating Reggie) Jeremy, you imbecile, you’ve got the wrong guy!

That’s my stand-in!

Freeze, Jeremy, it’s over.

Crew guys! Someone bring me some rope!

Down here, come on.

Tie his hands behind his back.

- Are you okay? - Be sure to tune in next week

when I talk to an expert witness

to discuss why a demented mind like Jeremy Richards'

could come up with such a wild, fantastical story,

with absolutely no shred of truth.

Oh, come on, Reggie, give us all a break!

Everybody knows Jeremy’s version is the real one.

I can’t believe you made that shit up.

We’re on the air, Nelson!

Actually, we're not. They cut the feed and went to reruns.

Reggie, it doesn’t matter!

Your boyfriend's life is in danger!

What?

An assassin’s going to kill Prince Omar

on live TV during his coming-out speech.

Prince Omar is the Falcon!

What! He's--

We have to— What are you doing, you’re a spy!

What are you doing? We have to do something!

When does he go on?

In an hour, when my show is supposed to end.

Okay, well…

Of course there’s no fucking signal up here,

and my car's four miles away in crew parking!

They can have a shuttle up in 20 minutes to take us down!

We don’t have 20 minutes to wait.

There! That trailer!

That’s our fastest way down the mountain.

All right, bears, let’s move out!

Let’s go.

Guys, keep an eye on him. Don’t let him get away.

Yeah, we got him.

Oh, gosh!

It's fucking locked!

- Well, who’s got the key? - Oh, that asshole, Jacques!

- The make-up guy? - Yeah. Jacques!

Jacques, give me the keys to the RV. I need them now.

I can’t. I’m the only one allowed to drive it.

I’m going to be fired.

Oh, Jacques, I would never fire you.

Come on, give me the keys.

Thank you. You’re fired!

That was mean, really fucking mean.

Sorry.

Go, go, go.

Jeremy fucking Richards, man.

Yeah, who fucking knew?

I thought it was part of the script, or something.

That’s fucking awesome how we took him out, huh?

I was going to take out my knife and be like…

- Shit! - Where the fuck did he go?

Hurry, let’s go.

- Yeah! - (moaning)

What-- Where is that coming from?

We don’t have time for this.

Bye-bye, bitches.

Todd, slow down.

We’re on a mountain, for God's sake.

Shut up, Nelson! We have to get to Omar!

His life is in danger!

Uh, something’s wrong.

Quiet on the set!

Darn it.

Are we really supposed to be moving while we do this?

Hey, you know what?

Let’s just forget about this whole porn thing, George!

Maybe everybody’s right.

Maybe I am too old and impertinent.

Wood Burns old?

Please.

You’re never too old to turn me on.

Forrest Hump is one of my favorite movies.

Really?

“Life is like a box of condoms…”

You see, Wood, Dash here believes in you…

and so do I.

It’s happening!

I’m getting hard again, guys.

Beer Can Bob is back!

Is that our costar?

Do I have to share billing?

No, it's my dick!

I’m finally able to get hard again. Look!

“Oh, hello there, Dash.

How are you?”

Oh, good to meet you.

Oh, he likes you.

He likes you a lot.

All right! Well, there’s no time to waste!

- Oh, absolutely! - All right, and… action, boys!

BRAKE

Uh… guys?

Something’s wrong. The brakes aren’t working.

- What? - Are you sure?

Yeah, pretty sure.

I think someone or something must've cut the brake line.

Oh, my God, this can’t be happening!

We’re all going to die!

Okay, okay, uh, uh, Reggie, I need you to take over.

What?

I need you to take the wheel.

- No! - Yes!

- No! - Take the fucking wheel!

No!

I need you to take the fucking wheel, right now.

I’m going to try to fix the brakes, you spaz!

- Here, come on, take the wheel! - Do it!

Do it. Do it!

- Yeah, come on. - Watch out!

- Here we go. - Oh, my God.

Watch out! Oh, my God!

- Okay? - You got it?

- Keep your hands on the wheel. - I got it.

Keep your hands on the wheel.

Oh, my God!

Ah, fuck.

- Hurry! - Uh, okay, here we go.

There’s a door and there’s a panel down here.

I can see the brake line: someone sliced it in half.

Oh, my God!

Honestly, I cannot believe how callous you were, Nelson,

suggesting my feelings for Prince Omar were not genuine.

Seriously, you want to do this now?

I’m sorry, I…

Reggie, look out!

♪Where the bears are, We wanna be♪

♪Where the bears are, Where the bears are♪