All language subtitles for Welcome.to.Me.2014

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You have 16 new messages.
First new message.

Hey, booboo.
Gina here.
Pick up the phone.

Pick up.
Come on.

I just had the craziest
phone conversation
with this telemarketer

- and he's kind of sexy.
- Next new message.

Hi, Alice.
It's Daryl Moffet.

I just got off
the phone with Greg
at Suncoast Pharmacy.

I had no idea
you weren't picking up
your medication.

Can you give me a call?

Your home is
far less likely...

Everybody comes
to our beautiful
planet Earth

and it is beautiful
if you saw our show on Friday

to do something great,
something unique,

something that only
you were born to do.

Only you can give.
So, what is your calling?

I definitely know
what mine is.

This show is about helping
all of you who are
watching us.

Think about
and then figure out,
'cause that's your real job,

to figure out what
is your calling,
and then begin to honor it.

Hundreds of people
in this audience...

I'm going to have
to check on her.

Um, I-I should, uh,
head out.

I'm... It was nice
to meet you.

Alice.
Alice.

Take care, Alice.

Who was that?
I don't know.

She asked
if there was a rape
in A Tale of Two Cities.

If maybe, well, one
that's just for you.

Just a phone call,
but hopefully a new start
for your friendships.

And hopefully those of you
who haven't made the call,

in six years, ten years,
twelve, will get the nerve
from this show

to pick up the phone
and reconnect.

Do that for yourself.

The California
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and welcome
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Please hold.

Yesterday was a very
lucky day for Alice Klieg,

a Palm Desert woman
who holds the winning ticket

for an $86 million
California Stack
Sweepstakes payout.

That's my...
That's my friend!

Oh, my God.

Thank you.
Thank you.

I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.

I was a summer baby,
born in the year 1971
in Simi Valley, California.

My mother
was a nutritionist

and my father
was a commercial baker.

I've been using masturbation
as a sedative since 1991.

We're unable
to show you the rest.

Yesterday was a...

They cut me off.

Hello?

Hi, Ted.

Alice, it's Ted.

He saw you on the news.

They cut me off.
Yeah, she's mad
they cut her speech off.

She sounds bad.

She's about a 7.5
and climbing.

You don't have to stay.
Somebody has to stay.

They cut me off.
Later, tater.

Alice?

You hungry?

I'm going to take
an iodine bath.

It's my new thing.

I'm managing my moods
by living a high protein
lifestyle.

What's going on
with the Abilify?

I have
a prepared statement.

Okay.

"Dear Daryl, it's been
a good run, Daryl,

"but as I will no longer
be collecting disability
from the State of California,

"our visits
are no longer mandatory.

"I appreciate everything
you have done for me,

"but as a new member
of the rich and famous,

I simply don't have
the time for the pain."

Well, I have something
I'd like to read, too.

"My dear Alice,
I would be happy to discuss
the logistical details

"of our new relationship,
a relationship which gives me
great pride

"when I reflect
on the ground that
we have covered.

"Since
the psycho-pharmacological
value of string cheese

"in the treatment
of borderline personality
disorder

"is not, to my knowledge,
even in clinical trials,

"I would encourage you
to reconsider walking away

from the good
and necessary work
that we do."

Why did you stop
your medication?

It's a new era.

Eighty-six
million-dollar Alice.

Hm.

Do you really want
to stop seeing me?

No.

Yes.

No.

What do you want
to do, Alice?

Something really big.

I'm moving today.

Oh.
Nice.

Good.

If I paid you,

would you give me
a clean-bill health,
mentally?

Thanks for choosing
our casino, Miss Klieg.

So, how long
do you plan
on staying?

Indefinitely.

Do you allow
pets here?

Well, I'm sure
we can work
something out.

Do you have a dog?
No.

What's the matter,
sweetie?

Located at the beautiful
Palm Springs area.

Nothing.

Woohoo!

What I'm suggesting,

is a more
of a less idea.

A five-dollar tip
for you.

Just ask Ted
for a little advice,
small amount,

about what to do
with your money.

I don't need
any help, Mommy.

No hand?

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Ouch.
Ooh.

Sorry, Mom.
It's all right.

Oh.
Teddy.

Welcome to my new home.

Oh.
This must be
your Alice.

This is Derick.
Hi, it's so nice
to fina...

Oh, okay.

This is, um, this is
my best friend, Gina.

I'm her Gina.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Mwah.

Those two sour pussies
over there are my parent.
Hi.

This is Derick,
Ted's male lover.
Isn't that good?

Hi, hi.
Hi.

If it weren't for you,
I don't know what
we would do.

I always knew
about Ted.
What?

When we were married.
By the way he fucked me.

Oh.

I got it.

So,

how does it feel
to be a millionaire?

I have
a prepared statement.

Prepared statement.
Prepared statement.

Okay.

Here's what
I want to say.

Cause.
Okay?

Effect.
Okay?

"I want each of you
to understand that

"you can have
what I have right now
if you really believe it.

You too can have
a new life."

New life.
Shh.

New life.

"And as I begin
my new life,

I must reflect on the love
and inspiration each of you
has given me."

I love you, guys.
Shit, I didn't want
to cry until the end.

A toast to Alice
and her new life.

New life.
New life.

To my new life.

Let's hope.

I'm going
to get shrimp.

It's harvested
in Ecuador,

where the locals
call it L a Madre

or The Mother.

Smoothies are such
a great way to load up
on powerful nutrition.

Every single particle
of Live Alchemy contain s
coded blueprints

that actually
rewrite your DNA.

So, who's ready
for a new life?

This has been
a live broadcast

from the headquarters
of New Vibrance Studios.

If you're interested
in being a member
of our studio audience,

please contact
the number below.

Live for Palm Desert,
California,

welcome to Live Alchemy.

You can't put yogurt
in waste baskets.

I know, but then,
you can't just let it
be there.

It's disgusting.

Good to see you.
Welcome to Live Alchemy.
I'm Gabe Ruskin.

Now, what if I were
to tell you one teaspoon
of Live Alchemy

contains more
usable protein than
a 16-ounce sirloin steak.

Well, get ready to pan
to the audience.

...that in 100 years,
our main source of food
would be algae?

Now.

I would believe it.

Ooh.
Hey, hey, wow.
We got a live one.

And I wouldn't lie to you.

Now, we're all used
to healthy food tasting
like dirt, right?

Jesus, Frank,
pull away please.

Right, I mean,
it's really bad.

Well, I'd like
to get a volunteer
from the audience

to come taste my chocolate
amaretto smoothie
with Live Alchemy.

Who's curious?

No, no.
Come on.
Not the crazy bitch.

Gabe.
Who's game?
You want to come up?

Right up here.
Welcome.

Yeah, it's good.

Thanks for being
brave, yeah.

Very courageous
of you.

Would you believe me?

Most people,
they hear "algae"
and they say "yuck".

I'm not afraid
of anything, Gabe.

Including success.

Oh, what's your name?

My name is Alice Klieg.

I watch you
when I sleep.
Oh.

What, what was that?

Is that so?

This is my second time
on TV this week.

Oh, your
second time, really?
Yes, Gabe.

I won the California
Stack Sweepstakes.
Eighty-six million dollars.

Oh.

I did a press conference that
aired on all of the stations
in this area.

That's incredible.
You are a lucky lady.

And we're lucky
to have you here to be
our guinea pig to try...

Winning has nothing
to do with luck.
It doesn't?

No.
It's all
mental training.

Dawn, what the hell?

Well-Well, why
don't you ask
your brother?

He seems to be...
Are we in control
here or what?

Not-Not currently.

Oprah says that everything
in our world is created
on a DNA level

by what we think.

I thought I was a winner.
I won $86 million.

All right,
give me the word, Rich.
Wait.

That is just great.

I didn't always think
of myself as a winner.

When I was 16,
I was diagnosed
with manic depression.

In my 20s,
it was called rapid
cycling bipolar disorder.

Now it's just called
borderline personality
disorder.

Alice, maybe come back
to your seat.
No.

Now it's just called
borderline personality
disorder.

Who can keep up?

For most of my life,
I let my diagnosis
define who I was.

Big mistake.

At a certain point,
I realized I had
to get back to me

before my illness.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my...
Why are we
following her?

Shh, shh.

I was a summer baby

born in 1971
in Simi Valley,
California.

And I've been using
masturbation as a sedative
since 1991.

We have
to kill this, Rich.
Okay, kill it.

Do it, please.
My father was
a commercial baker.

Introducing Essentis,
luxury hair care

formulated with natural
and organic components...

Do you think
she really won
the lottery?

Seriously.
Can someone
Google that?

What was her name?

Oh, my God.

Gabe, that was
the best experience
of my whole entire life.

Well, um,
you didn't have
to buy me out.

I need the protein.

Hey.

You must be
the big winner.
I'm Rich.

Me, too.

I'm Gabe's brother.
Oh.

So, you own
all of this?
Gabe and I
sure do, yeah.

I have an idea
for a show.

What kind
of show?
Uh...

How about this?
You want to come in
tomorrow,

we'll sit down,
we have an official
meeting,

and we can hear
all about this show
of yours.

I'm sure
it's a knockout.

Okay, yeah.
Does that
sound good?

Yeah.
Great.

It's a mindset, right?

Okay.
I'll see you
tomorrow.

Anything she wants.

Huh?
Anything.

Okay.
You realize that's
where we are, right?

It's that bad?

We run a company together.
Jesus Christ, where
the hell are you?

Wait.
Uh, I thought
we were doing okay.

We were doing okay
in the '90s.

Not so much now.
We're going to have to start
laying people off again.

No, no.

So, they thought
I had this virus
that only cats get,

but it turned out
to just be IBS.

So I couldn't have
any orgasms.

I was in the hospital
for three weeks.

But I feel
so much better now.

That is so great, Alice.

Should I just
bring it in?

Sure.
Pastrami's mine.

Um, why don't we get
to your idea?

Um, I want a talk show
with me as the host.

Okay.
Well, it wouldn't, uh,
be our first foray

into vanity programming.
That's true.

Last year we did
that hobby show.

I think Alice
wants to take over
for Oprah.

Oh, good deal.
That's crazy.

So, you want to talk
about current events?

No.

A show with guests
and do interviews?

No.
What kind of stuff
do you want to talk about?

Me.

I'm still not getting
what the show is going
to be.

Let me, Deb.
Um, Alice directing,
shooting, editing,

sets, costume design,
hair and makeup.
Yeah.
I want all that.

All these things
add up

to making, creating
your own show extremely
expensive.

Yeah, particularly
when you're not offsetting
those costs

with income
from selling products.

Are we talking
about a half hour or...

Two hours.

How much
would that cost?

Two hours.

You're looking
at $100,000 an episode.

It's more
like 150.

And that times
a hundred would be...

That's $15 million.

$15 million.

My business stuff.

Oh, and I want to come in
on a swan boat.

$15 million.

Guys, we're doing this.

$15 million.

Yes.
Come on,
it'll be fun.

Like a nervous
breakdown is fun?

Dawn, everyone,
we do this show

or we start
laying people off again.

Have you thought about
how this is going to affect
the other brands?

Well, Live Alchemy
hasn't turned a profit
in two and a half years.

Same with
Viva Ceramica, San Tropez,
Neo Regenerative.

Neo Regenerative has
never turned a profit.
Neo Regenetif.

Is that how
you say it?
It's French.

Here's the deal.
We are dead in the water
without this woman.

The almonds.

All right, leave
the almonds on the floor.

I can clean them up
after the session.

Would it make you feel better
if you were eating, too?

This eating
is not working for me.

The food
is distracting
from the work.

I have to eat because
of my new relationship
with glucose.

All right.
You can have
a snack at five of two

and another one
at 2:50.

Please stop eating
in session.

So, like Oprah,
but with a swan boat.

Talk show.
Uh-huh.

Hosted by...

Me.

Hosted by you.
Yeah.

All right.
Well, how about
a little recap?

In case you missed
last week's episode
of the Alice Klieg Show...

That's not
what it's called.

That's not
the name of it.

You're off your meds,
you just spent $15 million,

you're living
in a reservation casino,

and you're hosting
your own talk show.

I thought
I asked you
not to eat.

It's a banana.

It's in its own container.

I come out

on the swan boat.

And then I talk
about myself.

Is there a show that's
kind of like what you want
your show to be?

Oprah.

So, maybe
we should watch
some old Oprahs

and pay special attention
to how each show
has a topic.

I have a topic.
Which is?

Me.

What does that mean?
You know,
just what I love.

My hopes, my dreams.
What I like to eat.

Who I think is a cunt.
My spirituality.

Me.

We need to figure out
how to break this down
into segments.

This is going
be live.
Yeah, okay.

Well, um, we have
regulating your moods

with a high protein
lifestyle.

Oh, um,
I want to do
a reenactment.

About what?

Jordana.
Jordana who?

Jordana Spangler.
Who is Jordana Spangler?

A liar.

Donna Keever.

We'll be right
with you.

Alice's.
Huh?

For the reenactments.
Oh, right.
Where is she?

In the booth,
recording her theme song.

You should hear
these segment ideas.

"Matching Colors
to Emotions."
Okay.
What else?

"To Be a Woman."
That one's a song.

Something called
"I Can Still Smell You."

"Lucky Foods",
"You Got Everything,
I Got Nothing."

Can we please, um,
talk about this?

Talk about what?

I don't feel great
about where this is going.

How do you feel
about where this is going?

I'm glad
we got to do this.
I got work to do.

Poor sad eyes.

I miss being
around dogs.

I'll take Godzilla
over here.

Get in.

You want
to talk camera?

That's the zoom.
That's the focus.

Here's the pan.

Yeah?
And the tilt.

And up here's
the tally light.

When that's on,
you know it's recording.

Do you want
to have dinner?
I can't.

Can it be
a work dinner?

Can it not be
a work dinner?

It's just
a restraining order.
It's not a big deal.

Sounds like cops.
It's real.

I can't go
within 50 feet of her.

Or Souplantation.

I've been
divorced twice.

Really?

Yeah.

Not twice.
I mean three times.

I, uh,
I love too much.

Aw.
It's not a good thing.

I have a swing
over my bed.

I mean, I...

I used to, uh...
It's in the garage now.

Can I make
an observation?

Sure.

I want you
to fuck me so bad.

Hang over.

Hey.

I'm going
in there, you guys.

Alice?

We need you
in hair and makeup.

We're all
very proud of you.

Me, too.

You are ready.

You are beautiful.

You are great.

You are nice.
In front
of the, uh, lips.

You are edible.

This is the best
I can do for you, honey.

You should go
now, Alice.

Good luck.

It's not about luck.
Okay.

Thirty seconds to air.

Camera two to your mark.

Does anyone know
where she is?
We need her in the bird.

- We need to get you in the bird.
- Okay, Grace has got her.

An Aeroknife,
no force or strength
or pressure.

She's doing
the best she can.

Do you have
any questions?

Yeah, when people
see me on TV,

is my face switched around
or on the right side?

You're going
to look great.
Thanks.

Have fun.

We go live
in five, four, three.

Everybody,
she is on her way.

From Palm Desert,
California,

New Vibrance Studios,
it's Welcome To Me,

with your host,
Alice Klieg.

What is she doing?

I think she's
a little frozen.

Come on.
Say something, Alice.
Say something.

You're on TV now.

Hello.
I'm Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.

And so it begins.

Lose it.
Twenty to the insert.

This morning I woke up
and there was a pubic hair
on my pillow

shaped like
a question mark.

And it really
got me thinking
of unanswered questions.

Like all the times in my life
when I was supposed to feel
something, but I felt nothing.

And all the other times
in my life where I wasn't
supposed to feel anything,

but I felt too much,
and the people around me

weren't really ready
for all of my feelings.

How many episodes
did she buy?

To me, it's worse
than heroin.

Worse than any
childhood sexual abuse.
You name it.

It wasn't until
I got off the sugar wheel

that I really
took control of my life
for the first time.

Then I went off my meds.

Grape tomatoes.
They're low glycemic...

Did you know that?

Ladies and gentlemen,
meatloaf cake with mashed
sweet potato icing.

With only 433 calories,
52 grams of protein,

and only five
carbohydrants.

I think I'm going
to have a slice.

Is it carbohydrates
or carbohydrants?

It's carbohydrates.

What's the next piece?
No, we're on this
for a while.

Can Frank tell her
to move it along?

No, this is
what she wanted.
She wanted to...

She wanted to sit and eat
the cake for an hour?
Yes.

Not an hour.
I think it's a good
five minutes, though.

Mm.

So good.

Sometimes
I really wonder
about people.

Whether they stop maturing
emotionally because
of a traumatic event,

maybe a birth defect.

We may never know
what twisted the soul
of the daughter

of a California dentist,
and to the cruel and malicious
betrayer she became.

Come with me.
I want to show you
something.

I'm going
to ride my bike.
Come, tag along.

Your sandwich
has Cheddar cheese,

also lettuce
and some mayonnaise.

Good, good.
That's what I want.

Now, in the manner of girls,
let's share some secrets.
You start.

What a relief.
Now I can let
my hair down.

And by hair I mean
defense mechanisms.

And now that you feel safe,
you can tell me anything.

When I was 19, I went to live
with a minister and his family
as an exchange student.

One day we went to the zoo
and I saw a swan choke
on a pretzel bite

before my very eyes.

You told
everyone at school
I was borderline.

And when I asked you,
you denied telling anyone.

But every single person
that I talked to told me
that you said I was.

Everything
was different
after that.

And it really hurt me.

Fuck you
to death, Jordana.

Why did it end
like that?

We have
a few bumps
to iron out.

Why does it look
so inexpensive?

Well, Alice,
we-we got you up
and running pretty quickly,

so we're still
trying to...
And why doesn't it
look like Oprah?

Because you ate a cake
made out of hamburger
and started crying.

Oprah had the highest
production values
in the business.

She had the best graphics,
the best lighting, sets, sound.
She had everything.

I'd like that.

This is all doable.

Oh, I want
a new opening,

and a new Alice.

And I'd like
more swans, too.

I can bring those
from home.

Yeah.
I want to talk
to people.

You know,
like Larry King.

What was wrong with the girl
who played you?
She just wasn't me.

Can someone
give me a lift?

Sure.

I don't even know
where to begin.
Really.

Why don't we try
to get the swans?

She has them at home.
She said she's bringing...

I'm not buying
one fucking swan.

You left
the TV on.

It's been on
for 11 years.

I should have them
take you to the studio.

Thanks for driving me.

This is my old house
from when I was a different
person.

Uh, I see you, uh,
got everything by color.

Colors help me keep
my emotions separate.

Yeah, I can never keep
my emotions separate.

Have you ever done it
in a bag?

No.

Shall I take this off?
No, no.

If you're embarrassed
about your feet,

tired of tearing pantyhose,
or sick of messy scrapers
that hurt,

then you need Ped Egg,
the number one selling
ultimate way...

Good morning.
My name is Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.

Live from New Vibrance Studios
in Palm Desert, California,

it's Welcome To Me.

With your host,
Alice Klieg.

That corn is pretty.

Let's get ready
to track and dissolve.

Ooh, water.
Thank you, baby.

No problem, baby.
It's all working for you.

And rotate set.

Come with me.
Enjoy another time
that happened to me.

Big Bear, 1991.

Thief!

Keep going.

Buy your own makeup,
Josie Gaston.

Yes.

Oh, my gosh.

Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag.

Really loud.
You have to yell.
Yell it.

Someone!

Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag!

How in this world.

How in this world

someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag!

She's got problems.

I know, it's very upsetting.
I was very upset.

I cried
for so many days.

You said Bill
looked like a drug addict

and that he had no business
working around people.

Her Mom
is kicking her ass.

But she's not paying
attention, clearly.

You remember
what you want to remember.

Now we're all
paying attention.

Grape tomatoes.
They're low glycemic
and full of phytonutrients.

Alice?
Yes, hi.
Thanks for calling.

- I think you're a genius.
- You do?

Yeah.
Um, I attended
your last show, actually.

Godzilla, come here.

Godzilla, come here.

That's for menopause.

I like it.

Why don't you get
a titty-kini?

I look horrible
in those.

What do you mean
you're not a bikini type?

You know.
Bikini types.
One piece types.

You got it
all wrong, Gina.

If you want to wear
a two-piece, the decision
lies with you.

And nobody has the right
to tell you otherwise.

Come on,
love yourself.

I sure do.

Oh.

This is
the one I chose.

Nothing.
Nothing.

There are two times
in my life

I've performed oral sex
on a man twice my age.

Jesus.
Whoa.

And that's when I found out
you were a hermaphrodite.

Oh.
You're a liar,
Jordana Spangler.

You're on TV.
I don't want
to be on TV.

Everybody wants
to be on TV.

Not everyone is
an emotional exhibitionist.

Good morning.
My name is Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.

Welcome To Me.
Welcome To Me.
Me, me, me.

And Welcome To Me.

I knew if I bit him again,
he would beat me.

And I don't mean, like,
on Thanksgiving, you know,

like a sexy beating.

I mean like
a real beating.

He would say,
"That's just how we do things
in Gaithersburg, Maryland."

Like he was Mr. Big Man,
and he really wasn't.

I was a superior wrestler,
even though I didn't have
the training he did.

I should let you know

that I tried to have you put
on psychiatric hold last week.
And what is that?

It means having you
involuntarily committed
for an observation period.

Oh.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.

I'm very worried
about you.

I feel like you are
a danger to yourself.

Maybe I'm not
where you think I am.

I'm going to read
a list of symptoms

common to people
getting off of Abilify.

Tell me if you are
experiencing any
of this, okay?

Do you have
anything to say

before you are sentenced?

I am innocent.
Ha.

But your wantonness
and perversion

have threatened
the sanctity of Canada.

But I never asked
for these or this.

Alice Klieg,
you are found guilty.

Guilty, guilty.

No.

Mama.

It's so dark.

Mama.
I can see
the pommel horse, mama.

Yeah, yeah,
I got Alice.

Yeah, copy that.

Miss Klieg.

Who are you?

Hi.
Um, I'm Rainer.

I actually called
during your last show.

I remember.
Yeah.

I just want to say
I thought this was,
like, your best show yet.

Really?
Yeah, you should do,
like, five shows a week.

I hate waiting.
Like Oprah.

Yeah, I don't know.
I'm writing this paper
about you,

about your invention
of the narrative infomercial,

and I was wondering
if maybe you would want
to be interviewed.

Okay.
Yeah?

Same stuff here.

Hey, Alice.
Guess what.

They picked up my show
for five days a week.
Wow, that's great.

And I'm recording my song
with a European orchestra,

and they're studying me
in school.

This grad student
came to my show.

He was wearing
a tuxedo.

That's, um,
so great, Alice.

It just, you know,
for the record,

I just want
to say that I don't...
I don't like bikinis.

It's not that I think
that I'm fat or anything.
I just I don't...

They're ready to start.
You know what?
I got to go.

Sorry, I'm at work.
Okay.

Oh.

Ooh, Cindy Sherman.

Yeah, from Laverne
and Shirley?

No, no.
She's a photographer.

Oh.
Wow.

Man, the fact
that you don't know
who she is,

makes you, like,
75 million times more radical
than you already are.

Uh, do you mind
if I...
No
Not at all.

I love
your facial expressions.

Well, thank you.

I've never been
interviewed before.

Well, yeah, cheers.
Congratulations.

Oh, is it not good?
I don't drink.

Oh, cool.
Um, so,
I'm interviewing you

for this class
that I'm in right now
called Memoir in Performance,

and when I saw
your reenactments...
I love you.

Uh, I love the way
that you play
with gender

and race and time
and perception
in your work.

I'm just wondering,
what's behind the color-blind
casting for you?

Oh, you mean the skier
in "Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag?"

Yeah.
She was
the prettiest that day.

I was prettier
back then.

Do you think
I'm pretty now?

- That's what you said.
- I said...

It's got 170,000
hits already.

How did you know
I was on here?

I'm monitoring
your web presence.

You've got
some copycats, too.
But they're not you.

I don't feel so good.

You're not supposed
to swallow it.

Am I supposed
to swallow you?

Alice.

Birth.

Purpose.

Destiny.

Intention.

Oprah Winfrey.

From the early days
of television,

there has been
an unbroken line
of sharing,

showing, and growing.

Thank you for choosing
Welcome To Me.

Fasten your safety belts
and prepare for take-off.

And now, your host,
Alice Klieg.

Alice?
Are you still there?

Yeah, I'm here.
I hear, uh, noises
in the background there.

Oh, I'm at the airport.
Where are you flying to?

Oh, I'm not.
I just... I had
to mail something.

Okay.

So, are you planning
on seeing, um,

his name...
Rainer?

Are you s...
Are you planning
on seeing Rainer again?

Hello?

I want you to know
I'm not mad at you
anymore.

About what?
Remember the other day
when you yelled at me?

I didn't...
Alice, please reconsider
getting back on your regimen.

If it's a dosage thing,
we can figure it out,
make adjustments.

Okay,
our time is up.

We've got
red kidney beans,
ground beef,

low sugar
tomato sauce,
herbs and spices,

bringing us in at only
nine grams of carbohydrants
per serving.

Now, that's a low
glycemic meal.

Whew.

Dawn? Frank?
Can you see this?
Not really, Alice.

Why don't you bring it
on down so the audience
can take a look?

Good idea, baby.
No problem, baby.

Oh, my God,
I'm burning.

Oh, my God.
I'm burning.
Grace, go help her
get that off.

Oh, my...
Get away from me.

How did this happen?
Help me!

Whose job is this?

Help me!
Gabe!

You should try
Gabe again.

I'll try him
in a little bit.

Did you tell him
I'm in the burn unit?

Yeah, I already did.

Will it be
a lot of damage?

Only second-degree burns.

Why did this
happen to me?

Lady Gym is closing.

Do you think
I should sue
the station?

I lost my job.

You'll find one.

Oh, I can't feel
my tits.

Oh, don't go.
Please.

I got to get
a few hours sleep
or I'll be useless tomorrow.

I have
four interviews
lined up.

Okay.

Can someone please
turn my fucking TV on?

You didn't answer
the front door.
That's right,
I didn't.

I saw the show.

Which one?

The one
that I was on.

I should've let you know.
Yes, you should have.

Where are you going?

These are all well respected
doctors, a couple of whom
I know personally.

They'd be happy to consider
taking you on as a patient.

You're firing me?
I'm not firing you.

I'm seeing
to my own safety.
You should try it.

Daryl?

Daryl?

Come back.

No, I'm just eating
a cheese sandwich.

Alice.

There she is.

Welcome back.
Thanks.

I've got something
that might cheer you up.

Turn page 31.

Not only did somebody
make the ratings,

somebody beat
the Fresh Prince
of Bel Air.

And I just got
a call from KPXN
San Bernardino.

They want you
for a time-buy.

Congrats, Alice.

Thanks.

So, what's on
for Monday?

I want to neuter a dog.

On TV?

Deb's walking.
Walking?

Quitting.

No, no, no, no.

Deborah.

She's a menace, Rich.

I can't believe
you're letting her
come back.

Oh, wait, yeah.
Of course I can.

'Cause you are
a greedy twat.

She has a point.

Go have fun
with your girlfriend.

I'm done.

Go home.
I'll finish up
with Alice.

No, I mean
really done.
Go home, Gabe!

You like being a bully?

You seem
a little tense, Gabriel.

Why don't you get married
and divorced again?

She's rubbing off on you.
You don't respect me.

You never have.
I want you to buy me out.

Oh, you're so superior.
I'll have Barb
draw everything up.

Jesus.

I was a veterinary nurse
for six years,

and assisted in hundreds
of these "pro-said-ures".

Once again
the reckless copulation

of our animal kingdom
leaves us with a "tis-nammi"

of puppies and kitties.

Over the next few weeks,
I plan to neuter my own pets,

and any pets
any viewers would like
to bring by the studio.

It's a public service.

As you can see,
Godzilla is receiving
a mixture of oxygen

and isofluorine gas.

It's really important,
as you know, to remove
the hair

from the penis and walnuts
before we begin.

Let's castrate.

First cut
is the deepest.

We're going to want
to remove the walnuts

from the other tissue.

Now I'm going to tie it off
with the monofilament.

This is called
a subcuticular suture.

And it's going to dissolve
in case the doggie licks
the little wound.

If you have a dog
that needs to be neutered...

How are you doing, George?
I'm, uh, need water.

We're doing
a good thing.

Doing this all week.

Let's start
with the easy stuff.

Here's what Gabe wants.

That's just hurtful.
What about Landon?

He's still on the fence.
He's crackpot.
Never hit him.

Not the point.
If he decides to sue,
he will win.

What are you
playing at here,
Richard?

She wants
to be televised.

She calls this guy "taker,"
said he was a "prostitute
of the mind."

Accused this married
mother of three

of stealing
assorted cosmetic products
from her in 1991.

And the list
just goes on
and on and on.

How much they all want?
I'm not done.

The ASPCA is going
to be here tomorrow

about what she's doing
to those dogs.

Okay.
Thank you, Barb.
Richard.

They're going to shut
your ass down, Richard.

What's going on?
I'll be brief.

No more neuterings, okay?
All this shit has got to go
by tomorrow.

Take the fucking dogs
out of here.

I can't house them anymore.
I can't do it.

All right?
That's just
health code stuff.

Does he know
we're live?

Should I say
something?

There are 31 lawsuits
filed against New Vibrance

from people
you slandered
on the air.

So you better get that
pretty binder out and make
all these go away

or a lot of good hard working
non-psychotic people will lose
their jobs.

If you hurt
or come close to hurting
someone in my employ again,

you can find
somewhere else
to do this nonsense.

No discussion.

Also, stop screwing
my brother.

That's probably best
for everybody.

Have a fantastic show.

No, this is not
the show!

Okay.

That's all for today.

Alice, you have
another 40 minutes.

I'm done for today.

Can someone please
get my dogs?

Let's get Alice
her doggies.

And you heard the lady,
that's a wrap.

Can I go home, too?

Come on, guys.

Where's my car?

He's coming later.
Why later?

You finished up
early today.
Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is Gina.
I'm sorry I wasn't able...

Sorry I wasn't able
to pick up the phone.
Please leave me a message.

I need to cancel
my chauffeur today.

This whole week,
actually.

Room service.

Leave it outside.

This next story
is a perfect example
of true friendship.

Go away!

Hi, this is Gina.
I'm sorry I wasn't able
to come to the phone.

And I explained this
to you guys before,

and now I have
a thousand packets
of protein

with, uh, 32 grams
of carbohydrants,

and, um, at 16 grams
of straight glucose,

and I can't,
yeah, I can't use that.

So, I want everybody,
everybody in the audience

and all of you
at home right now,
no matter what are you doing,

I want you to take
a deep breath.

In and out.
Thank you so much.

Again.
In and out.

Just relax
for the next hour.

Ms. Klieg,
are you still there?

I'm all alone.

Please.

Please.
I'm all alone.

I live in a casino.

Oh, thank God.
Thank God.

Oh, gosh,
you're the only
normal person I've seen.

Back on the happy pills.
Look out, world.

When do you
get out?

Um, 24 hours.

I haven't talked to you
since the burn unit.

I've called you,
like, a million times.

Look, it's better.

Aren't you happy
to see me?

Ted has the dogs.
Oh, my God,
I forgot.

As soon
as they let you out,
you need to get them.

He can't keep them.

Wait, you're leaving?

You're a terrible friend.

You only care
about your own pain.

I'm sorry
you hurt so bad,

but that doesn't mean
other people

aren't vulnerable
or sensitive.

And just because you made
a career out of it

doesn't mean
that other people
don't have feelings.

You don't get
to fucking cry
right now.

I am crying
right now.

I lost my job.

And I told,
and you haven't asked me
once if I was okay

or if I needed
any help.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.
If you want,
I can give you money.

I don't want money.

I just want
my friend.

Gina, wait.

Gina.
Fuck you for making me fat
on your stupid show.

What? That's all
I have left?

When you win $86 million,
you don't actually get
$86 million.

So, conservatively speaking,
that's all I have left.

That's a fortune.
It's still a fortune.

If I were you,
I would put this
in a safe place right away.

It's in the bank.

I mean to invest it.
I will help you.

If you make
a few smart choices,

you can have
a very comfortable life.

Did you get
our flowers?

Yes.
They were very nice,
thank you.

You feeling better?

Much.
Yeah.

Back on my meds.
Oh, good.

So, what's
on your mind?

I have
six shows left,

but I want to do
one long one.

Well, we just assumed
you were done.

Almost.

What did you have
in mind?

Something big.

Oh, we can do big.

Oh.
Alice.

I know
you're mad at me.

And I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

I accept
your apology.

Okay.

I do hope
for you, Alice.

I hope you have
a good life.

Thanks.

Goodbye, Alice.

Can I come in?

Hey, Gina.

It's me.
I know I'm not supposed
to be calling you,

but I just wanted you
to know that I'm having
one last final show

and I want...
I-I would be honored
if you were there.

So... please come.

Please come.

Five,

four, three, two.

Liv, from beautiful
Palm Desert, California.

A special
encore presentation

with your host,
Alice Klieg.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for tuning in
to Welcome to Me,

"The Legend of a Swan,
A Telethon for Change."

My name
is Alice Klieg.

Hey, guys.

You want
your balls back.
I know.

There are a lot of things
I wish I could change, too.

I almost burnt
my tits off,

and let a lot of people
that I care about feel like
they weren't important to me.

I hurt a lot
of American families,
but I'm learning.

And tonight,
I'm going
to make it right.

Anyone who adopts
any of these loving friends,

gets a year's worth
of dog food and treats,

a doggy bed,
and a luxury
travel crate.

Do we have
the number on the bottom
of the screen, Dawn?

Yes, we do, baby.
Thank you, baby.

What's going on, Dawn?

Alice,
if I'm not mistaken,

that's the Carousel
of Life.

Ooh.

That looks
pretty damn good.
It does.

Cue the turntable.

She's off
to a really great start.

Do we have Gina yet?
No Gina.

There are so many things
to be thankful for.

But right now
I would like to express
some gratitude

towards a certain
artistic fellow.

Is Rainer Ybarra
in the house?

I wanted to thank you
for calling me an artist,

because the moment you did,
so many lost years
had meaning.

Could I just
say something?

This is when
I pretended to drown.

She's going to be
just fine.

She really is.

And now
I would like to honor
a genuine love-maker

who I really care about.

Gabriel Ruskin,
would you join me
by the Carousel of Life?

Once in a blue moon,
life gives you
a one-way ticket

to that deep
erotic play land that
only exists inside of us.

Ugh.
Shining captain
on a sea of takers,

you docked in my port
and it wasn't even raining.

Aw.

Go sit down.

Still no Gina.

Should we use
a reenactor?

Use a reenactor.
Yeah.

Use a reenactor.
Get Gina reenactor ready

for New Apartment 45
to the roll.

She's going
to be devastated.

How are we doing
in adoptions, Dawn?

Nothing yet,
but the lines are open

and operators
are standing by.

This is for Gina.

Well, I think your new
apartment is great, Alice.

I don't know
if I can do this.

Maybe I should go back
to the halfway house

where I have been living
for most of 1996

after losing my job
at Palm Desert Animal Control.

You're ready to have
your own place, Alice.

I, Gina Selway,
just know that you are.

It's almost as if you
believe in me more than
I believe in myself.

I really do.

Hey, Grace,
Miss Selway has arrived.

Oh, my God,
Gina's here.
What!

I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.

"Dear Gina,

"thank you for being
the only girl who would speak
to me in the sixth grade.

"Thank you for letting me sleep
holding on to you during that
really bad period in 1989.

"Without you,
I could never have
made it through my 20s,

"much less
become a millionaire
and talk-show host.

"You are the kindest,
most patient person
I know.

"I don't deserve a friend
as loyal as you, but I sure
am lucky to have one.

"You could have given up
on me seven million times,
but you didn't.

And for all those times,
I would like to present you
with the following."

Woo-hoo.

And we're out in ten,

nine, eight,
seven, six,

five, four,

three, two, one.

You want me
to stay?

You know, I think
I'd better bond
with the beast.

Oh, I got you
a present.

Um...

What am I supposed
to do with this?

Um... anything
you want.

Okay, I'm going
to go ahead.

You go ahead,
do your thing.
I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Bye.