Original subtitles

- [singing] take me out for some t-ball

Take me out for some fun

It's just like baseball

But you hit it off a tee

It's all little kids

So there's no injury

Ha.

Rhymes, come on, huh?

Let's go. Are you ready?

- No, because every time I turn around,

This one takes his clothes off.

- You know, ray, when we signed up for t-ball,

You promised me that you'd be home early from work

And I had to get everything ready.

I had to get them dressed,

I had to get the team snack, everything.

- I had to write that song.

- Yeah, right.

- And you didn't hear the next verse.

[singing] my wife debra is so nice

She is real pretty too

- Ally, I'm gonna need that bat.

- [singing] she's sexy, she's skinny

Her breath is real good

We don't have as much sex as we should

- Look how cute they are.

- Oh, good catch!

Yeah, wow.

- Hey, you got a gold glover out there, raymond.

- Yeah, she's like a boy, huh?

- Yeah, only smarter.

- Hey, hey! Ally tagged him out!

What's he still doing out there?

Hey, kid!

Sit down! You're out!

- Dad, he's not out, okay?

Nobody's out. Those are the rules.

It's okay.

Don't cry, little boy.

- That's stupid.

How do you win?

- You don't win, okay?

It's not like when we played little league.

This teaches them the skills without the pressure.

- And humiliation.

- You know what you should do, raymond?

You're a big sports columnist.

You should do a column on t-ball for newsday.

- Yeah, sure, right after my article

On running through the sprinkler.

- Well, it's better than just sports.

It's about families spending time together.

You'd be writing about something you love.

- Hi. Hi, are you, uh, ray?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Bryan trenberth.

I just wanted to make sure

You remembered the, uh, team snack?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, we took care of it.

- Well, it is almost the fourth inning.

- Yeah?

- Well, I think it's a good idea

To have each snack item laid out

By the top of the fourth inning, don't you?

I think it's a good idea. I think that's best.

- Okay. All right.

Deb, we're supposed to put the snacks out now.

Marie, can you take both the boys

Over to the sandbox?

Oh, make sure michael keeps his clothes on, okay?

- Oh, yeah, sand.

- I can help you, uh, debra, is it?

- Yes. - Yes.

You know what, debra?

I think it would be a good idea

If we laid everything out right now.

- This is everything.

- [scoffs]

I'm sorry, uh...

I'm confused.

- Honey, how's the snack situation?

- Well, uh, here's the concern.

All we seem to have today are pretzels.

- And hawaiian punch.

- Oh, god.

Got some things in the car.

- Um...

Excuse me, but I don't see what the big deal is.

We're supposed to bring a snack,

And pretzels are a snack, right?

- Does say "snack" right on the box there.

- Yes, it does, but I believe I sent you a printout,

And it says, "a healthy team snack

Will be provided by parents on a rotating basis,"

And here's you,

And here's the approved snack list,

And...

No pretzels.

- It doesn't say "no pretzels."

- I'm sorry.

Maybe you misunderstood me.

There are no pretzels

On the list of approved snacks.

- He's right. He's right.

There are no pretzels there.

- Well, I never saw the list.

- I sent you an orientation pack.

A big, blue folder?

- Okay, we're sorry here. We're very sorry.

- Well, now, wait a minute. We're not that sorry.

I mean, come on, it's a snack.

- Okay, I mean, it's no big deal.

There's no reason to almost yell.

- I'm not almost yelling.

Look, I'm juggling three kids under seven.

I don't have time to cater a t-ball game.

- Well, I'm sorry,

But you do seem to be getting quite upset

Over what should be a minor issue.

[laughs]

- Excuse me, but you're the one

Who's freaking out over a box of pretzels.

- Deb, nobody's freaking, all right?

It's your first game, you didn't know what to bring,

And you took a shot with the pretzels.

- Here we go!

Apples, trail mix, and kiwis.

- Oh, that's good.

Good. Good idea.

Kiwi.

Look, it's fuzzy.

- Stop it, ray.

- It's a very good job, lisa,

And since we ended up doing the snacks this week,

Uh, debra and ray will just take our spot next week, okay?

- Okay, all right, we'll do that.

- Wait, no, that's not okay.

Okay, this is not about giving the kids something to eat.

This is about some uptight guy on a power trip.

You know what, bryan?

Our snack is pretzels.

- Well, uh...

I'm sorry, uh...

Maybe you're not the kind of people

We should be sharing the t-ball experience with.

- No.

- Excuse me, what did you say?

- We're good people.

No, we'll do it. We'll bring the snack.

- Ray.

All right, I'm sorry about this.

We'll take care of all this.

- I hope so.

I mean, after all, we're here for the children, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- Will you look at that?

Will you just look at that?

Now, where's that child's parents?

- Yeah, listen,

And I think if we just bring, like--

Like carrots and celery next week,

Then everybody'll be happy.

Except the kids.

- We are not bringing anything.

- No, no, look, look, you won't have to do anything, okay?

We'll get the bag with the carrots and celery

Already cut up and washed.

I think they even throw radishes in there.

Oh, wait.

Radishes aren't on the list.

- Maybe we should--

- We are not bringing a snack.

[garbage disposal grumbles]

- That was the list.

I can't ask bryan for a third list.

- Why do you care about that pompous little ass?

- Okay, he's not your type of person, okay?

But there's no reason to yell at him.

He's just doing his job.

- Snacks at t-ball is not his job.

He's an optician.

- Exactly why you shouldn't yell at him.

It's volunteer work.

- I cannot believe that you took his side.

- Well, he has a point.

I mean, pretzels weren't on the list.

- Ray, I don't care

If I put out a bowl of rocks today, okay?

We are married!

If somebody talks to your wife that way,

You're supposed to support her!

- What if the wife is almost yelling?

- I was standing up for myself.

- Yeah.

Why do you do that?

- Oh, god.

- It's like when I was a kid

And I'd be with my parents,

And they'd get in these shouting matches,

And not just with each other.

With regular people.

We'd be out, and they'd yell at the salesman

Or the waiter or the tollbooth guy,

And the cars behind us are honking,

And my father's screaming, "pennies are money!"

And the guy in the truck behind us gets out, and...

- Ray. Ray.

I'm sorry about your whole life,

But I'm not gonna let that guy intimidate me.

- Oh, don't make a thing!

- You know, ray, why do you need everybody to like you?

- What?

- You know, you can never make a scene about anything

Because god forbid somebody doesn't like you.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

So I'm likable.

Okay, isn't that why you like me?

- I love you.

I have to like you.

Just, next week, when we show up without a snack,

Could you please back me up?

- Okay, if it means that much to you.

Or we could just quit t-ball.

It's not like ally's gonna turn pro or anything.

- You are unbelievable!

Why can't you just say, "hi, bryan trenberth,

"I don't care if you like me or not,

"but we didn't bring a snack this week

"because my wife is as busy as hell,

"and she brought a perfectly fine snack last week,

"and if it's not on your stupid list,

"uh...I'm sorry,

But that's your problem."

- I don't really talk like that.

- Yeah.

That's too bad.

- Hey,

You know what everybody's gonna call us, don't you?

"mr. And mrs. Pretzel."

Yeah.

Get ready.

- Hey, come on.

Let's get to the game.

- Oh, you're coming again?

Great.

- Listen, you know that

"nobody wins, everybody has fun" crap?

That ends today.

I'm keeping score.

- Dad, no, it's not about the score.

- Then why the hell bother?

- 'cause it's family fun!

Just stop. Put it away, all right?

I got enough trouble.

- What are you so worried about?

That little weenie with the clipboard?

We had guys like that in korea.

Second lieutenants.

College guys.

Platoons hated their guts.

You know what happened to them?

You know what friendly fire is?

Well, sometimes it wasn't so friendly.

- They killed their own guys?

- Not always.

Sometimes they'd just send them back to college,

To the ones without a lot of steps.

[chuckles]

Is I should, uh, shoot bryan trenberth

Over a box of pretzels at a kids' t-ball game.

- Oh, right, the kids.

- You know, dad, you're not obligated

To come to these games

Or talk to me.

- All I'm saying

Is you don't let people push you around

Unless you want your children to think their father is...

- How great would it be if you just took off?

- Dad, are we going?

Mom wants to know how long

You're gonna leave us in the car.

- Look, tell your brother,

Have you ever seen me back down from anybody?

- No, sir.

Pennies are money.

- Dad wants me to murder bryan trenberth.

- No, don't.

Bryan's a great guy.

Very organized.

He's getting me some sunglasses.

- Yeah, I know. He's a good guy.

Debra's all,

"we're not bringing a snack.

We brought a snack."

Yeah, well, I'm bringing a snack,

And a good one.

- Wait. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

The clipboard weenie guy tells you to bring a snack,

Your wife tells you not to bring a snack,

And you're bringing a snack!

Fire in the hole!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw that.

Funny.

Yeah, yeah.

No chance of one of you diving on that, is there?

Listen, it's our turn to bring a snack.

I think I'm doing the right thing here, okay?

And debra'll see that.

- Oh, yeah, she'll see that.

- Come on, dad, let's get a good seat.

I want to see that too.

- Psst.

You want to know what the score is?

- Dad.

- 57 to 48.

- Stop it.

Who's winning?

- They are,

And you can thank weenie's kid.

He's got six errors.

- Yeah, okay, dad.

It's like having venus de milo in right field.

- He's five.

- Man, if we could just trade him.

- Oh, look at him trying not to look at us.

- Will you just take it easy?

He's allowed to look, okay?

Try being nice.

- Oh, yeah, just--

Just come on down here.

Just say one word to me.

- Take it easy.

- Why don't you blow him a kiss?

- Oh, where you throwing that ball?

Come on!

Have an idea out there!

- Dad...

Others.

- Michael's naked.

- Oh, no, deb, you want to see

If maybe you can help my mom a little bit?

- Yeah, oh, look at her. She's stuck.

Who wears high heels in a sandbox?

- [whispering] bryan.

Come here.

- What are you doing?

- Shh.

Come here, come here...

- Hi, uh, ray.

- Snack. - What?

- Snack. Snack.

I got the snack.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's very nice.

Why are you whispering?

- Because it's real good.

I don't want the kids mobbing us, okay?

So go get it.

- Uh, what?

- Get it. Under the bleachers,

The gym bag.

- Oh.

Oh, okay.

- He hid it under the bleachers.

- Gutsy move.

- Ohh...

This looks very good.

- Yeah, yeah, it's good, it's good.

It's all very good, okay, so go set it up.

Set it up over there,

And you take all the credit.

- Oh, no, no.

It looks like you went to a lot of trouble here.

Look at-- tangerines, breadsticks,

String cheese, granola bars.

- Don't count it, man.

It's all there.

- This is everything on the list.

- Yeah.

So take it. Take it away.

Go, good. It's everything.

Good, everybody's happy now.

- Here comes debra.

- Michael thinks it's a nude beach.

Hi, bryan. - Hi, debra.

I just have to say, this is really wonderful.

- What is? - The snack.

They got a really good snack this week.

Okay, hey, that's good for you.

- What, is he rubbing it in?

- Debra, come on.

- I'm sorry, rubbing what in?

- Oh, that you found someone

To bring a list-approved snack this week.

- The point's not who brought it, right?

It's that it's here for the kids.

Isn't that it? Isn't it all about the kids?

- All about the kids.

- That won't save him.

- That's what I'm trying to say, ray,

And I just want to thank you and debra.

- Okay. It's okay. It's all right. Thanks.

- Thank us for what?

- Debra, come on, just drop it.

- Bryan trenberth

Does not let a good deed go unnoticed.

- Please do.

- Ray, what is he talking about? - Nothing.

- I'm talking about the beautiful snack today.

- We didn't bring a snack.

- Ray just gave it to me.

- Will you shut up about the snack!

Just shut up about the stupid, freaking snack!

Here! Here! You want the snack?

Here, take it.

Take all of it.

Here, are these healthy enough for you?

Plantains!

You couldn't just put bananas on the list, huh?

Before I found out you got to cook them!

- I'm sorry, I--

You don't want to share t-ball with me?

Well, guess what, I don't want to share t-ball with you,

Bryyy.

Oh, by the way,

Your kid's costing us the game out there, okay?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

I'm keeping score.

Ooh, bad!

I'm keeping score, and we're losing

Because your kid's out there eating grasshoppers, okay?

I don't think that's an approved snack!

- Sorry, bryan.

- You don't have to do snacks anymore.

- I don't know what happened out there.

- Well, you can watch it all later.

Greenberg's got it all on video.

"too hot for t-ball."

- Yeah.

All right.

Sorry.

Sorry you had to see that.

- Oh, you know,

I was proud and ashamed at the same time.

- Well, one thing you don't have to worry about...

Nobody likes me anymore.

- Yeah.

You know, I didn't mean I wanted them to stop liking you

All in one day.

Thought it could be kind of a gradual thing.

- I got to tell you,

That was scary today, you know?

I never go off on people like that.

I mean, my father lets go all the time, you know?

He gets it out.

I'm sicker than him.

I'm like a time bomb.

Don't you worry that at any moment

I could go off like that on you sometime?

- Pff, yeah.

- What?

No, I mean it.

- Ooh...

- Come on!

What?

Don't.

I'm dangerous.

I throw fruit.

- I still like you.

- Yeah, 'cause you're scared of me.

- Turn around then.

There you go.

Good job.

- Aren't they cute?

- Yeah, yeah. Cute.

Let's just hope the pants stay on.

- Okay, everybody, it's snack time.

[children cheering]

- Whose turn was it to bring snack?

- I got it today.

- Here, everybody.

Oh, now, the lasagna is hot.

Be careful.

So we'll start with the antipasto,

And if everything is finished,

We have cannolis.

- Wow, ray, this is the best snack I've ever seen.

You're unbelievable.

- Well, you know...

It's all about the kids.