Original subtitles

I don't think I'm being a very good boyfriend.

I fucked up this weekend, and managed to both upset her

and lose the best part of a week's pay.

- No, no, no, no, no! - Fuck this.

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not cut out

for romantic relationships.

I've become so boringly predictable

with my car crash love life that my friends

don't even bother picking up the phone anymore--

Hence the multiple Post-it Notes.

♪ ♪

Write as many as you like.

Both:

♪ ♪

♪ 'Ey 'ey 'ey 'ey 'ey 'ey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You would've thought that I'd have learnt this ♪

♪ All by now ♪

♪ It seems that I'm here again ♪

♪ Some way, somehow ♪

♪ I guess it's a lesson learnt ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If you play with fire, then baby you will burn ♪

♪ I guess it's a lesson learnt ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If you play with fire then you'll probably burn ♪

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

- Uh--

- I think that's... - Fuck.

- Mine. - Really, is it--okay.

Sorry.

Think I'm just gonna...

Oh.

Did I just...

- That's okay, don't worry.

- You have a good day-- I mean, night.

- You too. Nice one.

"Nice one?"

♪ ♪

♪ In the summer of '16 ♪

♪ Was it love or nicotine ♪

♪ That made us mellow on the 35 ♪

♪ It was penny paradise ♪

♪ Just a pretty "likkle" lie ♪

♪ And it hit me when I saw you ♪

♪ ♪

- Come on, Maia.

♪ ♪

- Totally naked?

You saw everything? - Yep.

- Sorry, I'm struggling to find the problem here--

- We're not supposed to see each other at all.

And, to make matters worse...

Well, it was a shock, you know?

So, I sort of got...

An erection?

Yes.

So, what are you thinking?

- Well, that you like her.

I didn't even talk to her.

- No, but physically. Your penis--

- Yeah, that's a thing that happens.

Like a headache or a cramp, right?

- Oh, not really, no. Sensory stimulation

causes a burst of nitric oxide in your brain.

The nitric oxide forces your blood vessels to open up,

so that when you saw Tiffany naked--

So, it's bad?

- Uh, well, no, it's just science.

The blood rush-- - Bad as in...

I have a girlfriend. - Oh.

Well that's subjective.

- I was only late because Tiffany wrote me

a Post-it essay and I had to reply.

Is that bad, too? - What?

That you like writing to her? - Am I cheatin'?

- Depends on your definition of cheating.

- I need to do something big for Valentine's Day.

- For Tiffany.

- What? No. For Kay.

- Oh.

- Oh, my God. Stop it!

- Shh. Shh.

- What did you do?

- Well, I threw him a towel.

- Okay, phew.

- My towel. - Oh, God.

So his erection touched your towel?

- I don't understand what's happening to me.

First I bump into my ex, then my naked flatmate.

I feel like I've been cursed.

What if he asks me to move out?

- Morning. - Hi.

- So was it a whole one or half of a one?

- Does it really matter?

- What about the balls? - What about the balls?

- I don't know. Do they stick up, too?

Are they attached,

like a ship sail, or...

- I don't know. I don't know how penises work.

I'm a Gold Star.

- I don't know what that means.

- Gold star lesbian.

Means she's never slept with a man.

- Yeah, it's kind of offensive when you say it.

- Oh...

Why? - Um,

because you're not a lesbian?

This is a lot for 9:00 a.m.

- Hi, Leon Campbell?

- Yeah.

- Gillian.

From Parker and Sons. We work with your landlord.

Do you mind if I have a little look around?

Can I ask what this is about?

- There's been a report of a multiple occupancy.

Which as I'm sure you're aware is a breach of your contract.

- Flat's barely big enough for one as it is.

- Oh, you'd be surprised.

One of our properties was sleeping three men to a room.

There are some desperate people out there.

It's very sad.

Okay. Hmm?

Aha.

- That's...

my girlfriend's.

She stays every now and again.

That's allowed, right?

♪ ♪

Have you told Leon about the article yet?

No.

I was going to and--

- I suppose now that you've seen his dick,

there is no good time.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I've kind of lost confidence in it.

- Want me to have a read?

- Would you? I mean, it's a first draft.

- Send it to me. It'll be a nice distraction

from my "Triangular Theory of Love" article.

Thanks.

Justie.

Brilliant.

Hey Tiffy.

Just thought I'd voice note, 'cause it's easier.

Um...

really great to see you the other night.

Felt like I--

I don't know, fate or something.

Anyway, um,

I hope you've got something nice

planned for Valentine's Day.

Bye.

- Wonder if Justin does our sushi thing with Ariella.

- Your-- - It was tradition

that we would order sashimi on Valentine's Day, and...

That way we wouldn't be too full

when we had sex later.

- How romantic.

Mm-hmm.

- Why don't you come to mine on Saturday.

- No. I'm not coming to yours on Valentine's Day.

- I'm making aubergine parmigiana.

- Yeah, for you and your girlfriend.

- Yeah, it's dinner not an orgy.

- Look, we don't really do Valentine's.

Em says it's a capitalist construct.

It'll be super low key.

I'll think about it.

- Mm, so...

You're an arabica guy too, huh?

- Absolutely. Love...

arabicas.

- Now that is against the tenancy agreements.

It's the responsibility of the tenant

to keep the property in good condition.

The landlord can take the cost

of any repairs out of the deposit.

- I'll paint it.

I'll paint it, it will look better than before.

Promise.

Can I ask who reported the multiple occupancy thing?

Seems like a weird thing to do.

- No. I'm afraid I couldn't give his name.

- "His?"

Is he called Justin by any chance?

- I will be back...

for further inspections.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Pumped for the article, Tiff.

- Well?

It's not like...

Totally finished or anything.

- It's good, Tiffany.

- Really? - I mean, obviously,

it's only a first draft,

and doesn't feel totally finished, like you say.

- No, no. Yeah, of course.

- And it needs more of a hook.

The lead doesn't feel very

"Bother," if you know what I mean.

- I was trying to get away from that.

The focus has to be on telling Ritchie's story.

- It's a really good start.

- Thanks.

♪ ♪

Dear Tiffany, I think your psycho ex

reported us to landlord.

Dear Tiffany, about bumping into each other.

Need to respect house rules or flatshare doesn't work.

P.S, someone reported multiple occupancy.

Letting agent came to inspect flat.

Need to paint wall ASAP or they take my deposit.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey Tiff. - Hey Mo.

Uh, I have a question.

Super quick, very uncomfortable.

Okay.

Fire away. - Okay, so...

If someone--

- Do you mean you? - Like anyone...

complete randomer, were to, hypothetically,

see...

Hot, naked-type, uh, flashes after--

- Hot, naked-type flashes?

Like, um...

Intrusive, naked-type thoughts?

Right...

- After...

accidentally...

Seeing their flatmate naked.

Would that be considered, like...

normal?

On a scale of you know, normal to not.

What I want to know is am I mentally ill?

Because I've been reading about this thing

called Pure O, and--

Both:

- Mo?

- Yes--uh, no, no,

you're not mentally ill.

You just fancy your flatmate.

- Um, no.

I do not fancy my flatmate.

- It's a good thing. It's progress.

- How can I fancy my flatmate when literally all I can

think about is how much I still love Justin

and how much I hate his new girlfriend?

- Well obviously that's not all you're thinking about

if you're getting "hot, naked-type flashes" of Leon.

- And I still haven't told him about the article.

- Oh.

Uh...

maybe you should?

- No, I mean, Richie told me not to.

I think he needs to know.

- No, you're right.

- Thanks, Mo. Thank you. - Yeah.

- Ooh. Uh-oh.

- What?

- I think...

I fancy my flatmate.

- Ah, um,

actually that's a psychological disorder.

- Mm.

Done.

♪ ♪

Dear Leon,

I was wondering, since I've seen your penis...

♪ ♪

Dear Leon,

I have seen your penis,

and was therefore wondering if--

Would you like to meet for coffee?

I have something to tell you.

P.S.,

is your face as nice as your penis?

Oh, my God! Shut up!

♪ ♪

Dear Leon...

sorry.

And sorry.

I will buy paint.

♪ I ain't gonna slip, yeah ♪

♪ Tighten up my grip now ♪

♪ That was just a hiccup ♪

♪ Gotta take a trip now ♪

♪ Yeah, we gonna ride away, ride away ♪

♪ Ain't got time today, not today ♪

♪ Not today, not today ♪

♪ ♪

Have something tell you.

Seen your coffee. Penis.

Hey.

- Hey.

- Why do you have your hand in the bin?

- Uh--

Why do you have your hand over your face?

- I have a really bad spot.

Does Tiffany have any concealer?

- I have no idea.

- Oh, don't worry. I found some.

- Is it cool to borrow makeup?

Dear Tiffany,

about bumping into each other...

- So, I have two hours until my next meeting.

You hungry? - Yeah, great.

- What's she sorry for?

- Oh...

Right, uh--

The wall.

- But she says sorry twice. - Will you be my Valentine?

- Mm, yes, of course I'll be your Valentine.

- Good.

Because I've booked it and everything.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Where we goin'?

A surprise.

- Ooh.

Ah, involving cocktails.

- But you hate cocktails. - But you love cocktails.

- Aw.

Too right, she buys the paint.

♪ ♪

So I went for something a bit statement-y,

and discounted.

Hope you like it.

Never painted a wall before!

Excited!

P.S., won't break the rules again.

♪ I like the way you move ♪

♪ Shake that sugar, blue My paint ♪

♪ And I don't know your name ♪

♪ But I like your vibe ♪

♪ Light up the night ♪

Rules are more for girlfriend,

to be honest.

Weird sharing a bed with random girl.

Trying to be better boyfriend,

so I'm taking her out for Valentine's.

P.S., think you meant to do the edges first?

Not the first time we've done things

the wrong way around.

Roller before edges.

Seeing each other naked before we've properly met.

Oh, and submitting an article about your brother's case

before speaking to you about it.

♪ ♪

Mm-mm.

It's true.

I've been in the same room as your ex

longer than I've been in the same room as you.

♪ We're gonna paint the town ♪

P.S., it's very...

yellow.

I think it looks amazing.

P.S., is it against the rules to meet outside the flat?

Something I need to talk to you about--

Don't freak out.

Want to meet for a hot drink Saturday?

Totally cool either way. Just let me know.

Kiss.

♪ ♪

Have you seen Tiffany?

- Oh, she just left.

Everything okay?

- Uh, no, not-- Not really, Rachel, no.

Thanks for asking. - What's up?

- You know,

writers not delivering on time,

CEO breathing down my neck,

gaping hole in editorial. - Well, what about, um,

Tiffany's article? Can't you pull it forward?

- Well that's what I want to talk to her about.

I haven't got time to edit it. It's a nightmare,

the amount of idiotic Zoom calls I'm meant to be on.

I could edit it.

Oh, I actually read her draft, gave her a few pointers.

So you know...

I'm familiar.

- All right. Yeah.

Yeah. It's on the shared drive?

- Okay. I'll, um... I'll work on it tonight.

Have it back to you tomorrow? - Great.

Well, you're a lifesaver, Rachel, thank you.

♪ ♪

- You're in early.

- Important things to do.

- Who's the lucky lady?

- How do you spell "splendiferous?"

And he hasn't replied?

- No. And I really need him to.

The article's meant to go live in a week.

I think it was the "kiss."

- What "kiss?"

- I left a "kiss" on the last Post-it Note,

and we don't do kisses.

And he has a girlfriend. - Right, yeah.

- I can't believe you haven't told him already.

That's what I've been saying

in all my messages to you.

It's fine, you're just one of those people

who doesn't reply.

You can talk.

You never reply to my screenshots of Raya guys.

- What? You know I'd love to see

your screenshots of Raya guys.

Honestly, Rach knows more about my life

than you do at the moment.

- What, "mean Rachel" from work?

- No, she's not mean.

She's actually been really helpful.

She even bothered to read a draft of my article,

for a start.

- Fine.

Send it to me. I'm gonna read it tonight.

- Really? - Yeah.

Thanks.

I love it.

"Splendiferous,

magnificent, tremendous, sensationa"--

- Alright, alright, enough.

- But it's Valentine's Day.

- Sentimental tosh.

- Are you all right, Mr. Prior?

- Are you sad you didn't get a card?

That's okay, at least you get letters.

- I haven't had a letter for many, many years.

- What about Johnny White?

- He stopped writing some time ago.

- What happened?

- Did he die? - Holly.

- Perhaps.

Perhaps he married.

I don't suppose I'll ever know.

- Mr. Prior...

are you gay?

- Holly, it's rude to ask personal questions.

- Yes.

- I don't know what I am yet.

- Would you like to see a letter?

- Yes.

- This is always in my pocket.

Oh, careful you don't tear it.

- "Darling Reggie,

"Sunday is too far away to bear.

And"-- - Oh...

To--

Actually, that was his last letter.

We never saw each other again.

- Give it back now, Holly.

Thank you.

- We have to find Johnny White.

There must be clues in that letter.

- Holly, that was a very long time ago

and Mr. Prior seemed a bit upset about it.

- Exactly. That's my whole point.

If we find his long-lost love then he won't be upset anymore.

- There are gonna be hundreds,

if not thousands, of Johnny Whites out there.

- And we're going to find the Johnny White.

And reunite him with Mr. Prior.

- I think I need to lower your meds.

- Don't you dare.

♪ ♪

Tomorrow good.

Need to talk to you, too--

Also don't freak out.

Will be in town to get Kay's present.

Coco at midday?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Where'd you go? ♪

♪ I just want to look in your eyes ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Caught up in your fever dream ♪

♪ The hate between us making me high ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Where'd you go? ♪

♪ All I got is you on my mind ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm coming up easy ♪

♪ Don't care if she sees me I need you tonight ♪

Fuck, I fancy my flatmate.

♪ ♪

"My fucked-up flatshare.

"How sharing a bed with the brother

"of a convicted criminal

made me question my own life choices"

by Tiffany Moore.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Nice article.

Don't think the flatshare is going to work.

♪ ♪

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, fu--

Um.

♪ ♪

- Why wouldn't you tell me something like that?

- I know. I should have.

It's just... embarrassing.

- She's the one who should be embarrassed about it.

Like, who does she think she is?

She's living in your flat, sleeping in your bed.

- That was the agreement, but-- - Walking in on you naked--

- I think that might've been my bad for being late.

- What kind of person just walks into a bathroom naked

with earbuds in? I mean, come on!

- It's the article.

It's me and Richie behind my back.

It's using my family story!

I've decided I don't want her in my flat anymore.

- What about the rent?

- I don't need her rent.

- So you're not going to go with that lawyer, then?

- That lawyer charges per hour

what Tiffany pays me in a month, so...

Wow.

- I told her to move out.

- Hi! - Hi.

- Come in. - Thank you.

- It's just fucking disrespectful.

And the way she wrote about him like she knows him.

She doesn't know him. She doesn't know Richie.

She doesn't know his experience.

I swear down I was about to go in there--

- Go in where?

- Hey, guys.

So, just to let you know that happy hour finishes

in 10 minutes, so if you want--

- No, thanks. - Can you give us a minute.

Where were you when you read the article?

- In town. - What are you doing in town?

- Buying your present.

- Thank you!

- And meeting Tiffany.

"You know things are bad

"when you're renting a flat you're only allowed to inhabit

for 12 hours a day."

Did not write that.

"You know things are really bad

"when an inmate is calling the house phone

and asking to speak to your new bedmate."

Did not write that.

"But I was confronted with more

"than just his criminal family history

"when I walked in on him butt-naked

in the shower."

I mean, how does Phil even know about that?

It was Si, wasn't it?

He overheard us talking.

Oh, my God. How could Phil do this to me?

I know he edits stuff,

but he's literally rewritten the opening paragraph.

And the headline! "My Fucked-Up Flatshare?"

I mean it screws with everything

I was trying to do for Richie.

Leon's practically asked me to move out.

- What? - I mean it's--

It's gone viral, so you know,

all publicity is good publicity. Right?

- I should have told Leon earlier.

I was just trying to be respectful.

God, I'm such an idiot!

- No, you're not.

- Oh, my God.

Both: What?

- They're really nice pans.

Oh.

Um, didn't we get those in Bicester?

- Yeah. - I want that.

- What, the pans or Bicester?

- No, I want to go to Bicester and choose pans

with someone who loves me.

You know, not-- Not you, no offense.

- Oh, none taken. - That's okay.

- I really wish I was eating sushi with Justin.

- Who's Justin?

- He's the reason I moved in with Leon.

- Ah.

- I needed to tell her that her psycho

ex-boyfriend was trying to get us kicked out.

- Excuse me, what? - I said I needed to tell her--

- Why don't you write it on one of your little

Post-it Notes, like you usually do?

- It was just a coffee. - You don't drink coffee.

- It was just a hot chocolate. - Oh yes, of course,

but she knows everything about you.

- I don't think you understand--

- "Leon said we can make it work."

- Have you two met?

- Once.

Briefly.

- So you kept that a secret? - It was unmemorable.

Look, the point is-- - No, the point is

this article could ruin everything Richie has going.

- Which is what?

You can't afford a lawyer, his appeal was rejected,

and now he's doing interviews with "Bother" magazine.

What exactly does Richie have going for him?

- You think he's guilty, don't you?

Just say it.

You think he's a criminal.

Kay--

- You're the only one who doesn't.

♪ ♪

- Where are you going?

It's Tiffany's night in the flat.

- Don't know.

Not there, obviously.

- Leon, I didn't mean it-- - You did.

I can't do this anymore.

You and me.

It's not working.

♪ ♪

- It's really felt like Leon and I were getting to know

each other, you know? - Yeah.

- Like with the painting and everything.

It was like, I actually care about him,

he's become like an actual person to me.

I'm sorry.

I've become such a bore.

- Oh no, just get it off your chest.

- Please don't apologize, Tiffany.

This is not your fault.

Is it, Rach?

- No, I know, but-- I mean the point is,

it--you know, it looks like it's my fault.

- Mmm. Thank you.

This is the delicious.

I think I'm gonna have to talk to him.

- Who, Leon? - Phil.

I'm gonna have to say, you know, it's not okay.

'Cause it isn't.

Mmm.

So do you salt the aubergine before you fry it?

- Okay look, I did it.

I edited your article.

Tiffany...

I--I was doing Phil a favor.

I thought I was making it better.

- So--so you exploited

someone's real life tragedy to impress your boss,

to keep your job while the rest of us get fired.

- No, no, that's the point!

It got more traffic in one day

than any "Bother" article in the last year.

- You know what, some things

are more important than traffic.

- Tiffany--

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hello,

you've reached Maia Constantine.

Please leave a message and I'll get back to you.

♪ ♪

Hey. - Hey.

- Is that a poussin?

- Yeah.

- It's a bit extra.

- Fancied a baby chicken.

- Mm, yeah I mean treat yourself. Why not?

- Well, you know,

Valentine's.

Mo-- - It's fine.

Honestly, I was cooking it anyway.

You went to all this effort for me--

- It's no big deal.

Let's finish this and watch "The Wire."

- Put the remote down.

Hello, you've reached Justin.

Please leave a message.

- Hi.

It's me.

Um, I'm just calling to say Happy Valentine's.

You're probably eating sashimi with Ariella "XX"

but, um...

Do you remember how we always used to give each other

bear cards,

because you'd say that you couldn't "bear"

to be without me?

Well, I can't "bear" to be without you.

Um...

Yeah, I'm gonna just try and delete this voicemail now.

Um...

I don't know how to delete it.

Oh, shit.

♪ ♪

♪ I've had my share ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Of life's ups and downs ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But fate's been kind ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The downs have been few ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I guess you could say ♪

♪ ♪

♪ That I've been lucky ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Well, I guess you could say ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hello?

Tiffy. Hi.

I got your voicemail.

- Where are you? - Home.

Right.

God, you really get yourself into these messes, don't you?

- Justin?

Did you ever, um, love me?

Tiffy...

Open the door.

♪ Ah, you're the best thing ♪

♪ That ever happened to me ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I know, you're the best thing ♪

♪ Oh, that ever happened to me ♪

♪ ♪

- Post-its.

- It's how we, um...

Communicate.

- Okay...

- It's easier than, you know--

- Texting? Speaking face-to-face?

- Anyway, I'm moving out, so...

- Good. He doesn't deserve you.

- I know it's unconventional-- - It's unhealthy, Tiffy.

And look at this, look.

You need to stop apologizing.

- It is all my fault.

- Hey, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come here, come here.

Sit down, sit down.

- I'm gonna make you a tea, okay?

Chamomile, right?

Honestly, we break up for two minutes.

This place is falling apart.

So...

Are you, um...

Dating?

- Not exactly, no. Um...

Maia's got me on this dating app.

Yeah, Maia...

Yeah, she's never liked me.

- What about you and Ariella?

- Yeah, she's...

great. Yeah.

- But...

She's not you.

No one's you.

♪ ♪

Tiffy...

- You don't want this.

- No, I do.

I do, I want it more than anything.

But-- - But?

I don't want to hurt you.

- You won't hurt me.

I'm choosing this--

I want this. I'm choosing this.

♪ ♪

- One sec.

- Who is it? - Mm, Tiffany.

- Oh. Justin again?

"Exotic princess?"

- This app is the worst.

I mean...

Half of them are racist,

and the other half are obsessed with rock climbing.

- Can't you like, report them?

The rock climbers?

- I don't think

"Hey, I love your chocolate skin"

counts as abuse.

It's just... exhausting.

- Why are you still on it?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I liked it how had it before.

- What?

- Your hair.

- I haven't changed it.

Justin, how did you know where I lived?

I never gave you my address.

- Of course you did.

I--I don't remember that.

You're tired.

Let's go to sleep.

♪ Remember I'll always love you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ And I, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ And I la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-love you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Marcus I hope that our memories stay ♪

♪ And just know that whatever you do ♪

♪ ♪

- Hi mom.

♪ And my heart beats ♪

♪ Stuck in a daze of our thoughts ♪

♪ And watching me grow to be new ♪

♪ I hope you love me too ♪

♪ So my darling, so my darling ♪

♪ So my darling ♪

♪ ♪

♪ When our hairs are turning grey ♪

♪ Won't even remember our younger days ♪

♪ So my darling, so my darling ♪

♪ You are my best friend ♪

♪ You are my best friend ♪

♪ Remember I'll always love you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ And I la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ And I la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ Remember the first day we met it was you ♪

♪ Talking to miss and I came and saved you ♪

♪ Then our friendship just suddenly grew ♪

♪ Started talking and then it all blew ♪

♪ Then we went down our separate ways ♪

♪ Felt really empty and everything changed ♪

♪ We reunited, it felt just the same ♪

♪ Now we love in a different way ♪

♪ So my darling, so my darling ♪

♪ So my darling ♪

♪ When our hairs are turning grey ♪

♪ Won't even remember our younger days ♪

♪ So my darling, so my darling ♪

♪ My baby, my boo ♪

♪ You are my best friend ♪

♪ You are my best friend ♪