Original subtitles

Hey, everybody! It's closing time

You don't gotta go home but you can't stay here.

Closing time!

Every office needs an end-of-the-day tradition

Something to tell you the day's over.

Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day.

it's weird

Closing time!

W, R, K

One last call for alcohol so...

No, it's W, R, K as in kitten?

...so finish your whiskey or beer!

Oh, my boss is singing Closing Time,

maybe that's what you're hearing

Come on, Pam

Closing time!

Time for you to go home to the places you will be from

Let's see Andy has been manager for 105 days,

which means I've heard Closing Time 1 05 times

Still don't know the words

Home and home and home

I know who I want to take me home!

I know who I want to take me home

Take me home

You know what? Fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys

but if you don't want to sing, no traditions

Closing time!

Every new beginning...

I never heard that song before and once I heard it I did not care for it.

But that song means it's time to go home.

Now, it's my favourite song

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

Good night

This report is atrocious Who's your favourite Iron Chef?

You go first

The ticketing software paints a picture

of a sloppy, careless error-prone office.

Well, the monitoring software is a double-edged sword.

Sometimes the

Sorry. Go ahead

Mmm-hmm

Did you need something from us?

Yes

Your attention because...

No. That is all

Last night I dreamed that the number two

was the most valued number in the world.

The Vice President had all the power,

athletes fought for silver medals,

women were considered the best gender.

And stadiums of fans shouted, "We're number two!"

As with all my dreams, I'm guessing

it was about my fear of immigrants

Last week, an accounting mistake resulted in

a client getting their order for free

Ho! That's not good

Chalk that one up to "Tweedle-Dee' and "Tweedle-Dum" out there

Who are they? They're both Kevin

Oscar's the Sex and the City gang,

and Angela, if you can

Andy, sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all.

I would agree with that

Simply end the mistakes

End the mistakes. Easy

When I come back next week, and this report shows me "No mistakes,'

we can talk about names all day

Our favourite names, silly made-up names

normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?

I would like that

End the mistakes

That's all I ask

And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef

It depends entirely on the secret ingredient

Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all

I'm just saying, with the NBA lockout

I think roller derby's in a really good place right now.

So, my pitch is, me, Pam you and someone else

maybe Justine

No. Not Justine

Never Justine

Is that off again?

Oh, yeah. Okay

Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting today.

We don't really do those We just sign the thing.

Are you really this lazy?

I'll be there

Hey Hey

Mondays suck

Yeah. Yep

Just trying to

I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem.

This is a project I've been working on for quite some time.

And today might be the day to use it.

What've you got?

Allow me

You're gonna love this

Should've used a shorter string.

Never mind I know it by heart

It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work.

Sounds controversial

Have I not been worthy of your trust?

Have I not been a reliable number two?

Do not go there

You're the deuce I never want to drop

Well, I can make this work

I'll set it up right now. I just need your go ahead

Go do the voodoo that you do so we

I will do my voodoo

Mmm-hmm

Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling

on a new workplace relationship

For you?

Yes, for Gabe

Who are you seeing? That's great

Whom I am seeing is Val, from down in the warehouse

I'm not technically seeing her

but, I've seen her with the eyes

And there was attraction in at least one direction, so...

You know, I don't have to do paperwork unless you're actually dating.

Okay. Well, once this starts it's gonna be moving fast,

it's gonna be hot and heavy and I don't want

a bunch of bureaucratic red tape

wrapped around my jock you know?

But I mean, well, have you talked to her?

Yeah. We had a whole conversation about Mondays

Do you know her last name yet?

Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow

because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.

She's gonna be screaming her own last name?

Hey, watch it

Good luck, Gabe

Hi, guys Hi.

I just wanna say that you all have been doing amazing work, really.

Thank you. And I'd like to add

that your work has been a little sloppy

So, Dwight and I have implemented

a new program that we like to call...

...Dwight?

The Accountability Booster

It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office,

from a late delivery to an accounting error

Five strikes in a day equals a home run

One home run and you're out

If we as a group make five mistakes in a day

something bad happens Like, we block Minesweeper

Or, in this case, an e-mail gets sent to Robert California

containing the consultant's report from last year.

Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down?

What? And, as a failsafe, also

every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group

will also be forwarded to him

What e-mails are you talking about?

Robert's favorite songs, Creep by TLC Creep by Radiohead.

You remember that one, Jim?

"There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper.'

Oscar

"He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him.'

Kelly

That's not that bad, actually.

PS, "We should kill him."

Wait. So, you installed a doomsday device?

No, it's an Accountability Booster

Which, when it goes off it destroys everything

very similar to a doomsday device

Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac

No, the point is, is that we are now working in an environment

where we have accountability to each other

I am confident that you guys are equal to the task

No, we're not. And you are a psycho who is ruining our lives

We can't do this, Dwight. We can't

Smile

Nod. Smile and nod

They're making me out to be a Bond villain.

I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist

who will stop at nothing to remake the world.

Like

Not Doctor Moreau someone good

Doctor Frankenstein

Doctor Jekyll, not them

Doctor

Are you sure this is a good idea?

I mean, the thing about this office is we make a lot of mistakes

But the device will change that

Without a safety net people will improve.

All right, everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work.

Be extra careful, double-check everything

Or the Accountability Booster will get you.

This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me.

There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham,

we just make a mistake

I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment

There's one mistake

Now we only have four strikes left until a home run.

Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard

on this doomsday device. So, I...

it's not a doomsday device! Gosh!

We can do this, you guys

First

Second it's not a race.

Third

Who knows what the belt is for?

It's for protecting my ass

when you suckers lift more than you can handle.

What's up? I'm Gabe

Corporate. Continue

Don't be nervous

Apparently, we have a visitor

Gabe, everyone

Hi, Gabe

All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine

Doesn't get much use nowadays.

Look at this. This is enormous

I get the sense that Val enjoys a good put-down

Considering that's the only thing I know about her,

I will be milking that hard

It's like a hula-hoop right?

Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way

You done?

The Michelin Man called, he wants his cummerbund back

Remember, we have to get Regal Escrow their refund by 5:00.

I'm on it

Kevin, maybe I should handle that.

We really need you to focus on your project.

Good thinking

Apparently a big client for this company

needs to know the story of how paper gets made

Oscar, use a calculator

When the stakes are this high there's only one computer that I trust

And it's powered by Thai food and Spanish reds

All right, everybody you're doing great.

Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible

But I do see improvement

Meredith kept someone on hold for 30 minutes,

and now look she's hard at work

Dwight, question. No questions

If this doomsday device goes off

Accountability Booster

If this bad idea goes off

and we all lose our jobs, are you gonna feel good about that?

I haven't even considered it

That's how sure I am that this Accountability Booster is gonna work

Try "Mose-1-2-3-4.'

Dwight would never be that obvious Try something like...

"Z-6-4-$-8.'

Not that exactly, Jim something like that

Okay

How about "Scranton-Strangler-6-6-6"?

Nope No?

Aw...

Shoot.

You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, okay?

But I appreciate your energy and your teamwork

You apply this to your regular work

you won't even notice that the device is there

watching you ready to strike

What's Dwight's mother's name?

Hedda

No

Once you've read the packet, sign the back

Hey, Darryl. I was thinking

maybe while we read through this

you could grab us all some coffee?

My treat

Here's a $1 00 bill

That should cover it I think.

Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, okay?

I want a decaf frappuccino.

Val?

Actually, Val why don't you come with?

I'll need the extra hands to carry them back.

Yeah, sure

Mmm-hmm

Caramel soy latte

No, a decaf frap

Got it

You sent the late notice to Rinehart and Wolfe, right?

Mmm-hmm. 64620

Nuh-uh. Yes

588 plus 1 5%

Oh, no! - What does this mean?

What does it mean? - Andy.

Oh

God

That's five strikes

Well

I was saving this for my retirement which I guess is today

Dwight, we got five strikes.

Really?

Did the e-ma go out or...

It goes out automatically at 5:00 p.m

Well, then there's gotta be a way to stop it

Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it.

Okay

Dwight, you may now enter your password.

No

What? What?

You don't deserve to have this branch

Five mistakes in less than a day?

We did our best

No, you didn't, Phyllis

You complained the whole time,

you yelled at me you tried to break into the machine.

What?

You're a real crumb bum you know that?

Hey, you can't just change the rules

because you don't like the outcome.

What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task?

Can you tell me now where paper comes from?

The man tree puts its penis

Okay. All right, Andy, back me up here, please

No

What? No

Dwight, be human for once shut down the machine.

Shut it down Shut it down.

Shut down the machine

Shut it down

good luck finding a new job, idiots

I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference

Glowingly negative

Dwight's car is gone

I bet he went home

Some of us should go there, try to talk some sense into him.

Get him to stop that e-mail

Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you,

and your breasts are enormous, that could help us

Kevin has that lovability

Guys, come on

I'm right here

Jim, I want you to go find Robert. Just be where he is

in case that e-ma goes out at 5:00,

you can try to delete it or something

Okay. Where is he?

He's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash

I'll try both

Oh

Did you come to reason with me?

Got you something

And I just really want to talk to you

Get lost

Well, now hold on

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Digging a grave for a horse

Do you need a hand?

Yeah, you need a hand?

If you hit another horse you've dug too far

I'II see you next week, Will.

Robert

Jim, what are you

What a surprise

Yeah. Well, you know I just had a meeting, a squash meeting

Yeah?

You up for a game?

A game? Or a match?

Exactly! Here we go

Let's do it

Are you okay, Kevin?

Where are you going?

In. I'm hungry

Could we come in, too? Just for some water?

Okay. Take off your shoes

Except you, Kevin They stay on

Wow, I forgot how pretty your house is

This is the newest addition, built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808

It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

That's too much doodle and not enough lab

Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just lab?

That's what I'm saying

Hey

You're welcome. Thanks for the coffee

So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery

I'm gonna drink a little wine

and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me

Are you asking me on a date?

Yes, I am

Because I don't date coworkers

it's not personal. it's a matter of policy

I could quit

Problem solved

Don't quit

Good policy It's sensible

Smart

All right. Serving

Serving, serving, serving

In the box. In the box

Why haven't we heard anything?

It's 4:45 There's only 15 minutes left

Oh, now you can do math?

Where were you two hours ago beautiful mind?

I made a mistake I'm sorry!

I know how to save the company, everyone

Just write a petition, get everyone's signature

including our clients, march down to Florida

and shove it up your butt

it's not that funny

Pam, you got something on your shirt.

Oh!

Well, pobody's nerfect, right?

Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "nobody's perfect.'

Nice stroke, Pam

No, it's a jokey saying

"Pobody's nerfect.'

Like, I can't even say those words right

I hadn't heard that before

That's funny

Dwight, there's just the small

You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie?

Milk

Any specific animal?

I'm thinking cow Don't say cow.

What are you doing? It's five to 5:00

Just don't talk about the e-mail, okay?

He's gonna cancel it on his own I really think he will.

That's insane Just trust me.

Trust you? Like I trusted Dwight this morning?

I got this

Thanks for everything

Sive drafely

Wasn't it supposed to be drive safely?

Is that my phone?

Sounded like mine

No, I think it's mine Let me just check real quick here

All right

No, it's mine. You took it out of my bag

Oh. Oops

Yeah Can I have it?

Yes

Right now?

Yes There you go

Whoa! No! Wait, wait

What the *?

Oh, man I'm sorry!

Jesus! Did it break?

No, it's good, thanks. You sure?

Yeah

What kind of iPhone is that?

It's the standard one, the one everyone has

Yeah. I have the one that nobody has.

Is there anything interesting?

It depends, Jim. Do you find one-day-only

JetBlue sales to Buffalo interesting?

No, I don't

All right

Well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this

My serve

Dwight stopped the device

Yes

He stopped it

Yes

We still have our jobs

They're not my favorite people in the world

I wouldn't even call them friends.

They come over here, eat my pie,

dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen.

God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't l?

Just take it easy Nice and easy

Classic, right?

Ooh

I'm all right. You all right?

Yeah. Skinned knee

Yeah

Need a little ice on that, maybe.

Yeah. That does not feel good.

Okay. My serve