Original subtitles

And then, I think I'm going to go to the garlic festival.

Wow. Sounds like fun. You guys would love it.

No, we wouldn't. They have a TCBY booth.

Cool. Same stuff you get downtown.

Do you like TCBY? Who doesn't?

"I can't believe it's yogurt." Lt'll be fun.

I confirmed with Raskin Design and they're expecting the both of you in an hour.

Oh, actually, it's just going to be me.

They said the both of you.

That's a mistake.

You should give them a call, check that out.

All right, just clear this up.

Well, there's actually been a few changes in the company,

and Michael and I are actually at the same level.

So, I can... No.

No, why would that be a problem?

Jim's a good kid, he can handle a lot,

but sometimes you have to call in a master.

Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?

Great. See you then.

What?

They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along.

Why don't they just want you to go by yourself?

Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand.

I absolutely don't understand, either.

I don't want you to feel like I'm babysitting you or something.

All right. All right.

Let me go get your stroller. (CHUCKLES)

JIM: Sure. Michael's a good teacher.

A teacher is someone who stands

right next to you your whole life

and never lets you do anything.

That's what a teacher is, right?

(INAUDIBLE)

What are you going to call him? Dave.

No. What is his name? Dave.

Mr. Borchard. They're very formal.

Yeah. I've spoken to them on the phone.

Yeah, well, this is not the phone.

This is real life, baby, and you got to own it.

Is that what you are wearing?

Yes, it is.

And that is the watch that you are going to wear?

No, it is not. You should wear this watch.

I will loan it to you.

It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that.

No, thanks. They are into style.

Mmm-hmm.

They are into appearance. We are selling success.

And paper. That's sort of secondary.

Nope. No.

He's trying to micro co-manage me.

Or co-micromanage me.

Here we are outside of the Wilkes-Barre... W.B.

...lndustrial Park. Industrial P.

Making cold calls.

The two people with the lowest sales

in the quarter have to do them.

(GRUNTS)

(SINGING) Palpabon Drilling, where are you

Dean Trophies, suite 100

Sherman Blinds & Rugs, suite 202

Here it is.

Palpabon Drilling

Suite 401.

Yeah, I was going to sing that part.

I know. Now you don't have to.

Well, except it was going to resolve the melody,

so now my head hurts.

It feels like I held in a sneeze.

(EXCLAIMING) I hate this feeling.

(SINGING) Suite 401

(SIGHS) All right.

Hi. Any messages?

You're soaking wet.

Oh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little

flash rain, flash winds, flash lightning.

Wow. Sounds scary.

It was. It was. And then in an instant, it wasn't.

Why isn't Jim wet?

I outran it.

I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing.

It rained. Michael, can I get you something?

A towel, some cocoa?

Nothing. Cocoa.

I'll just leave that suit in your office, then?

Good, yeah.

Must be nice to have company on these cold calls.

We're kind of a dynamic duo.

Or trio.

How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet?

Oh, no, no.

We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not.

Definitely not. No, we just work together.

Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelys.

Michael, the custodian from Raskin Design is on the line.

He said they found your keys in the koi pond.

Okay, thank you.

Did you say koi pond?

(INTERCOM RINGING)

Yeah? Michael, people are asking questions.

Okay. Put them on speaker.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Hey, Michael, did you fall into a koi pond?

I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection.

Jim, did Michael fall into a koi pond?

It's like Michael said. It was something else.

Okay, this is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots

that had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing.

So you fell in? No.

Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in.

So a child had fallen in?

Not yet.

That is hilarious.

No. Don't. I'm not going to bump. I'm not going to bump.

And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying.

(LAUGHING)

Truthfully, it wasn't the way he fell in.

It was how long it took him to get out.

And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase

as our way of welcoming you to the area.

Well, that sounds like a really nice deal.

Sha-bow!

And I must say that since we are a family business,

it's nice to see that you are, too.

Oh!

Wow. You thought that...

Oh, my gosh. Definitely not.

My mistake. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Nah, actually, it's kind of not okay.

I date models. Face models.

My girlfriend, on a scale of one-to-Gisele,

a nine.

That's good for you.

Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes...

Pam's carrying our surrogate

because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for Fashion Week.

So, we put our baby in Pam.

It doesn't matter what Pam looks like.

Yeah.

You were way meaner to me than I was to you.

No, I wasn't, okay?

The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing

like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich.

You blew the sale, you idiot!

Let me tell you something.

I was never going to make that sale.

Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together?

Staples?

(CLEARS THROAT)

David Wallace called.

Oh, he did? What did he say?

He heard you made a big splash at the meeting.

Oh, my God, that was so mean what I just said, and I didn't mean it.

It was Kevin and Meredith who put me up to it.

(SIGHS) Okay.

I'm going to kill you.

Michael, don't listen to them.

Thank you, Stanley.

You just ignore their carping.

Okay.

(WHISPERING) Michael? Yes.

A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining.

They're mocking you with word play.

Hey, boss, did you find Nemo?

I can name Pixar movies, too.

Toy Story. Don't you mean Koi Story?

(ALL LAUGHING)

And when you fell in, did you flounder?

Michael, flounder is both a kind of a fish...

I know what a flounder is.

Hey, Michael. No! No!

No more! That is it!

Everybody in the conference room, right now!

I'm not usually the butt of the joke.

I'm usually the face of the joke.

I wish Jim had fallen into that pond.

Then he'd have to put on my suit,

and it would be too short, and he'd look...

Damn it, he'd still look good.

The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training

is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action

that they have done that they regret.

You can only make fun of things that they have control over.

Like, Oscar is gay. That is his choice.

We can make fun of that. I did not choose to fall into a koi pond.

Michael, you still can't make fun of people

for race or gender or sexual orientation or religion...

Who let the lemonhead into the room?

You are a waste of life and you should give up.

Is what I want to say but I won't,

because that is why we are doing this right now.

So, Toby, welcome to sensitivity training for real. Show of hands.

Who here has been koi-ponded?

Who here has been the butt of a joke that has gone too far?

Phyllis. Michael, you make fun of us every day.

Yeah. Every single day.

You never said anything.

We have. Countless times.

Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying,

"Stop, because I want you to stop,"

or stop as in, "Stop, you're making me laugh so hard.

"What you're doing is so funny. You're on a roll.

"I am busting a gut. Stop!"

That's never been the case.

We are going to make

a Do Not Mock list.

Okay? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list.

Anything you put on this list, you cannot be teased about.

Got it?

I'm going to kick it off.

Let's see what I have to put on the list, right?

Okay.

I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall.

You fell into a second fountain?

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Can you kick me out of the meeting now?

Go. Go.

Starting today, teasing will no longer be tolerated.

You mean there's no teasing of any kind?

No, no, no, just things that are on the list. That is the beauty of it.

Okay, who else? Who else? Dwight, come on.

I don't want people making fun of my nose.

Your nose?

It's too small.

The geometric proportions of my face are perfect in every way but one.

My nose is too small.

I mean, it still works. I can smell things.

I just have to be a lot closer than most people.

Oh, my. That is small.

Just write it down, please.

OSCAR: Can you breathe okay?

What keeps your glasses on?

Hey, it's on the list, everybody.

No, I haven't finished writing.

Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Okay.

Who else, who else? Everybody's going to get their chance.

I don't want people making fun of my weight.

Okay, that's too broad. It's got to be something else.

How about your stomach? Yeah?

Who else? I'm very sensitive about my petite figure.

Oh, God.

I am. I'm afraid of being thrown around like a football.

Well, you know, Nicole Richie might think that you are fat.

Does that make you feel better?

Meredith?

I don't want to say it out loud.

Okay, fine. Come on up here, write it yourself.

And don't sign your name to it, and nobody look.

Everybody, look away, look away.

Well, I really didn't want to put it on the board,

but I thought maybe it was going to come out somehow.

So, what are you going to do?

Okay.

Some of you may have noticed

I'm in that kind of ill-defined relationship type of thing.

Okay, what do you want me to write?

Just put Kelly. Aw!

That still going on?

I will claw your tiny nose off.

It's on the list.

Creed, your turn.

If I write it down, I can't be charged with it.

No one said that.

That is our sales pitch, and we are sticking to it.

Well, you two are quite the salesmen, and a very cute couple.

Well, it's... Oh...

Thank you. Thank you.

Some couples don't seem like a good match, but you two do.

Well, you know.

Yeah, you know, two peas in a pod.

We complete each other.

What can I say? She loves to cook...

He loves to eat.

I love to dance...

I love to watch him dance.

Yeah, right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room.

And I'll watch him.

And a baby on the way? You must be so excited.

Mmm. Yes.

Yeah, we are thrilled. Mmm-hmm.

In fact, we spent the whole weekend

researching various birthing coaches.

Wasn't that fun, honey?

It was, sweetie. Yeah.

Oh, I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet.

Yeah, on Clearview Avenue.

KEENA: Yeah!

Yeah.

This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel.

So now you're comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal?

Michael? Hmm?

The custodian called again. Apparently a koi has died.

Oh, man! (ALL EXCLAIM)

It's a fish.

They want you to pay for it.

It could have died of natural causes, though.

Well, they said you stepped on its head. He did not suffer.

When is the funeral?

Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock.

How much do they want? $300.

What? No. I could get a fish for a five-cent worm.

You're paying way too much for worms, man. Who's your worm guy?

Okay, great meeting, everybody. That's it. No, no.

Thank you. No, we are not done here. This...

One of the baby books suggests

the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal.

I just wish I had a special telephone

so I could find out exactly what the little soybean wants.

Right? Hey, little soybean. What do you want?

Right? How do...

I felt it kick. Oh, that's great!

Oh, my gosh, like a little magical foot just high-fived me.

Yeah, well, that'll happen.

Oh, my gosh.

It's like he's trying to say, "I love you, too, Daddy.

"I love you, too."

Sometimes we're so excited, we forget where we are.

(ANDY MOANING)

Like at a business meeting.

Message received, little soybean.

I think you just got to ride this one out, man.

No, Jim, you don't understand.

Things like this just don't die.

Kids in high school still call me "Ponytail." No, they don't.

Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time

I got my ponytail stuck in the power drill.

Maybe if you make fun of yourself, it'll all go away.

I want to make fun of you right now.

Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball.

No, don't do that. You're not stupid.

See?

Oh, my God.

Hey, I just want to say that I cannot believe

that I walked into a koi pond.

I mean, seriously, walk much?

Oh!

I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to.

Michael, you know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault.

I mean, who puts a koi pond in a lobby?

MICHAEL: Well, you know what?

You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before.

I've seen that pond. This is the thing,

I am a world-class moron, is the problem.

Michael, please stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself.

It's okay. We're having fun.

It's actually not the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond.

In high school,

the girls volleyball team always used to throw me into the frozen lake.

Four years in a row.

(MICHAEL LAUGHING)

It was freezing! No, no, no. This is even worse.

Couple of weeks ago, I went to get a new cell phone

and I wanted one of those packages

where you have the five, you know,

the friends and family thing?

And the guy was like, "Who are your five friends?"

And I'm like... I didn't even know.

I couldn't even think. Oh, my God, it was so embarrassing.

That was so...

I don't even have Jan's cell phone number, and I hate her.

She won't give it to me. I was like, "I guess I'm a loser."

(STAGGERING) A loser!

Too far! God!

Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Enjoying your nut?

Why? OSCAR: Kevin.

I'm not mocking.

I was just making an observation about her nut.

I was. (CELL PHONE BLEEPS)

Hey, who wants to watch Michael's pond dive?

My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there.

He swiped the security tape for me, and he's bringing it over.

Mmm. You know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys.

You know, you watch that tape,

and you're going to have to stay late for more sensitivity training, so.

We'll stay late. Yeah.

You are not a joke.

I am.

You are smart.

Jim is smarter than me.

You are handsome. Jim is more handsome.

No, Jim is ugly. Please. I mean, I'd give anything for his nose. It's true.

The rest of him, God, he looks like Popeye's wife.

Wow, Wilma.

See, that is funny. That is a joke.

I know jokes and you are not a joke.

Her name's not Wilma.

Stop making me laugh.

Well, that went pretty well.

Yeah, I guess.

We got a maybe. It was our first maybe.

Going by the Nard-Dog curve, I'd say we nailed it.

If I'm being completely honest,

I could have done without the belly kiss.

You know what? I'm sorry,

'cause in that moment, I knew I was kissing your belly too much.

Yeah, way too much. Yeah.

I mean, what the hell was that?

What the heck was that?

When you cried.

(SIGHS) Try "almost cried." Okay?

I just got caught up in the fantasy.

Your fantasy involves comparison shopping birthing classes?

No. I know I'm going to go with Miss Janet.

I just... I don't know, it was fun to role-play, right?

Hmm.

It was fun for me, having a wife and a little baby.

I'm so sick of being single.

Well, are you dating anyone?

What do you think of Erin? I mean, she's kind of cool.

(EXCLAIMS SCORNFULLY)

You think I can do better?

(EXCLAIMS SCORNFULLY)

Got to get my going out on.

Hey, let's watch this thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, yeah.

We're not watching this.

How can we not watch this?

What happened to "Do not mock"?

We're not mocking, we're watching.

That will inevitably lead to mocking, so.

PHYLLIS: Well, we'll deal with it as it comes.

Is this the tape of me falling?

Yes, put the DVD in. Yep.

Open up QuickTime. It starts on its own.

No, use QuickTime, trust me, I've done this.

Guys, Michael can't handle this.

And as your boss, I'm saying, we're not watching it.

No, it's okay, watch it. He can't fire all of you.

JIM: What are you doing?

It's all right. I can handle it.

No. I am a grownup, Jim.

MEREDITH: It's on.

KEVIN: There they come.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Boom!

OSCAR: Oh! Did you see that? See what?

Wait, why did you stop it?

Oscar, yes, you're right to stop it.

Thank you, eject it.

Jim, you let Michael fall in.

DWIGHT: Play it again.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

DWIGHT: He purposefully leaned away and let you fall.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Oh, man!

I think when I started to see you go in, I think I just froze.

I don't think you froze.

It's a killer new dance move.

(SOFTLY) Do you want to talk in your office?

No.

I didn't ask you. Would you like to talk?

(WHISPERS) Judas.

Jim is my enemy, but it turns out

that Jim is also his own worst enemy.

And the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so Jim is actually my friend.

But, because he is his own worst enemy,

the enemy of my friend is my enemy,

so actually Jim is my enemy.

But...

I should have grabbed you. I'm sorry.

Look, I thought I could have done today's sales call alone.

I mean, I may never be as good a salesman as you are,

but I at least need the chance to do the job.

Jim is jealous of me?

Jim is jealous of me.

Hey, what's up, lifeguard?

OSCAR: Jim, I think I'm in your way.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oscar's a douche.

He's all right. No.

He's... Yeah, he's all right.

Okay.

Thanks, Michael. You're welcome.

Whoa! Almost fell.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, Erin, do you mind faxing this for me? Oh, sure.

Wait, hand them to me upside down,

so I don't accidentally read them.

Okay. Thanks.

Mmm-hmm.

How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales?

No, it was a total waste of time.

It was fun, though,

because I got to spend the day

with Andy Bernard and he's really cool.

Yeah, he is.

Yeah, he is.

He's like the coolest person I've ever met.

That's right.

He's like Marlon Brando.

Oh, do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is.

I actually do mean Marlon Wayans. Yeah.