Original subtitles

1

We've gotta get out of Rome.

But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers.

See?

We'll never get out of here. Only a miracle can save us.

- Miracle! - Miracle!

- Miracle! - Miracle!

We've gotta get to that wagon. Wait here, I'll see if the coast is clear.

Come on. Hurry.

No, you don't.

Oh, my God! I'm fighting with cardboard.

- Goodbye, head. - Hello, balls.

- Come on, run, Comicus. - Come on, hurry.

- OK, hurry, take off. - Let's go, Miracle.

What... Commander, where are they?

Get the horses. Get the chariots. Get the men.

Onward!

Get me an ice pack. Hurry.

- Where are you going? - I don't know.

Here come the bad guys.

Run, Miracle, hurry! They're gaining on us.

- Hurry! - Come on, Miracle. Go, boy.

Come on, men. We're gaining on them.

They're gaining on us.

Come on, Miracle.

Go, boy, go! Stretch out those long white legs!

We're pulling away. We're losing them.

Run, run!

Quickly, go to the left.

Go to the right. Stop!

I smell something familiar.

Laz! Laz, I got an idea! Pull over.

Pull over!

- I knew I smelled something. - You crazy?

Think I don't know what I'm talking about? The nose knows.

What the heck is he...

- What's he doing? - He's picking flowers.

- Roman Red. - Roman Red?

A whole field of wacky weedus.

- He's picking those weeds. - Papyrus.

Rolling papyrus.

- Paper! Paper! - What kind of paper? Like this?

That's good.

- Easy, whitus. - These people don't know the value.

Josephus, hurry.

Hold this. Yes, indeed.

- They'll be here any minute. - Not to worry. Not to worry.

- We are now armed with mighty joint. - Mighty joint?

- Pull out. - Let's go, Miracle.

Hurry, we've got to catch them.

Quickly, after them.

Oh, mama!

We've got to... We've got to...

get moving.

- It's working! - It's working!

We gotta stay loose, you know?

Let it cool. Let the coolness get into our vertebrae.

You men go northward.

You go southward. I'm gonna walk here, round in a circle.

What are we gonna do? We're trapped.

- Hey, who's that? - Look what he's done!

Oh, my God.

Oh, what a wonderful man.

Let's go, Miracle.

And keep 'em up.

You son of a bitch! You bastard!

An old man! They don't let you live! They don't let you breathe!

You son of a bitch...

- No, go this way. - Why? - It's a short cut. - To where?

The port. There's a ship leaving for Judaea.

- Judaea? - Judaea.

Judaea!

I'm gonna stay right here.

No, I'm gonna move here.

- You care if it falls? - What?

- The Roman Empire. - Fuck it.

Is that our men?

Why have they stopped?

- Oh, Marcus! - Why have you stopped?

Why aren't you still chasing them? Have you lost your senses?

Do you want to be stripped of rank and privileges?

Do you want to be thrown into the dungeon? Do you want to...

Do you want to dance?

Lindus!

[El Al - Israel Airlines]

Hey, look. There's the ship that's gonna take us to Judaea.

We're off on the road to Judaea (Special honor to Bing Crosby and Bob Hope)

We certainly do get around

See? I told you there was work to be found here.

You're right. "Help wanted. Cashier, waiter and dishwasher." I'm gonna be waiter.

- I'll be cashier. - I'll be the hat-check girl.

- What are you... - All right, all right, I'll be the dishwasher.

Hey, kids. I'll take Miracle and scout the area for a possible club date.

I'll try Galilee. I heard that King Herod is bringing in gambling.

Let's go, Miracle.

- Take care, Swiftus. - Bye, Miracle.

Comicus.

Sir.

- Sorry. - Now, tonight, we have a private party.

Take their orders. Be correct. Be polite. And push the mulled wine, we're stuck with it.

"Push the mulled wine, we're..."

- Don't write it now. Now go. - Yes, sir.

Can't get any good help today.

[Private Supper]

Before this night is over, one of you shall betray me three times.

No, no.

Master, how can you feel anyone here would betray you?

You, who we'd follow even unto death?

Yes, yes.

Does everybody want soup?

Please, we must talk. This may be our last supper.

Hey, it's my first order. One little question and I'll let you all go.

Are you all together, or is it separate checks?

- Please go away! Go away. - All right, OK, OK.

Yea, yea, so you say.

But one who sits amongst us has already betrayed me this night.

- Who? - Who? Who can it be?

Judas!

Do you want a beverage? Try the mulled wine, it's terrific.

No! Leave us alone.

Go, go.

All right, all right. Jesus!

- Yes? - What?

- What? - What?

Yes.

- Jesus! - What?

- Yes? - What?

Well, you said "What?"

What?

Nothing.

- Ah. Leonardo. - Buongiorno.

- Just a second... - It's all right. We ordered a group portrait.

This is no good. All I got is the backs.

OK. Everybody wanna be in the picture, get up and go to the other side of the table.

Hold it.

[The Spanish Inquisition]

The year was 1489.

The black plague ravaged the continent.

It was the hour of the infamous Auto-da-f�E

where, for public amusement, heretics and non-believers

were tortured and burned in a carnival-like atmosphere.

And it was guided by the most fearful specter

to ever sit in judgment over good and evil:

The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.

All pay heed.

Now enters His Holiness, Torquemada,

the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition.

Torquemada. Do not implore him for compassion.

Torquemada. Do not beg him for forgiveness.

Torquemada. Do not ask him for mercy.

Let's face it, you can't talk him outta anything.

Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways,

and to accept and embrace the true Church,

convert now, or forever burn in hell.

For now begins the Inquisition.

The Inquisition, let's begin

The Inquisition, look out sin

- We have a mission to convert the Jews - Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jews

We're gonna teach them wrong from right

We're gonna help them see the light

- And make an offer that they can't refuse - That the Jews just can't refuse

Confess

Don't be boring

Say yes

Don't be dull

A fact

You're ignoring

It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull

Oy, oy, gevalt

The Inquisition, what a show

The Inquisition, here we go

We know you're wishing that we'd go away

But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay

Oh, boy

The Inquisition, what joy

The Inquisition, oy, oy

I was sitting in a temple, I was minding my own business

I was listening to a lovely Hebrew Mass

These Papist persons plunge in, throw me in a dungeon

And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass

Is that considerate? Is that polite?

And not a tube of Preparation H in sight

I'm sitting flicking chickens, and I'm looking through the pickings

And suddenly these goys break down my walls

I didn't even know them, they grabbed me by the scrotum

And they started playing Ping-Pong with my balls

Oy, the agony! Oh, the shame

To make my privates public for a game

The Inquisition, what a show

The Inquisition, here we go

We know you're wishing that we'd go away

But the Inquisition's here and it's here to...

Hey, Torquemada, what do you say?

- I just got back from the auto-da-f�E - Auto-da-Fe? What's an auto-da-Fe?

It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway

- Will you convert? - No, no, no, no

- Will you confess? - No, no, no, no

- Will you revert? - No, no, no, no

- Will you say yes? - No, no, no, no

Now, I asked in a nice way, I said pretty please

I bent their ears, now I'll work on their knees!

Hey, Torquemada, walk this way

We got a little game you might want to play

So pull that handle, try your luck

Who knows, Torque, you might win a buck

All right!

Put it in the car.

- In the car. - In the car.

How we doing? Any converts today?

Not a one, nay, nay, nay

We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns

Nothing is working

Send in the nuns!

The Inquisition, what a show

The Inquisition, here we go

We know you're wishing that we'd go away

So come on, you Muslims and you Jews

We got big news for all of yous

You better change your point of view

Tonight

'Cause the Inquisition's here

And it's here

To stay

[The french Revolution]

Paris. A city filled with poverty, misery and despair.

The time was ripe for revolution.

[Rue De Merde] Apple cores!

Freshly picked from the garbage of the rich.

Apple cores. Apple cores.

Rats. Rats.

Nice dead rats for sale.

Perfect for rat stew, rat soup, rat pie,

and the ever-popular ratatouille.

Nothing. Nothing.

I got absolutely nothing for sale.

[Madame Defarge's Inn. Serving the Scum of Paris for Over 300 Years]

Sir, please help me. I'm starving to death.

- Help, give me something... - Get away. Don't bother me, you swine.

Please, money, food, anything. Help me, help...

Get your filthy hands off me. Begone.

Please!

Something, anything. I'm starving to death...

Look what we have come to.

Beggars begging from beggars.

Bonjour, Madame Defarge.

Bonjour, scum.

All keep quiet. The meeting begins.

Fellow wretches.

I don't have to tell you that poverty stalks the streets of Paris.

Yeah!

Families don't even have enough money for bread.

- No. - We are down to almost nothing.

Last week, I myself ran out of wool.

- We have no rights. - No.

- We have no say. - No.

- We have no dignity! - No!

We are so poor, we do not even have a language.

Just a stupid accent.

She's right! She's right. We all talk like Maurice Chevalier.

What we need is a new language.

A song that speaks of struggle, that speaks of triumph...

- It is time for action! - Yes!

Everybody stand.

Repeat after me...

No, no, no. Dumb scum.

I mean death to King Louis.

Death to King Louis.

Good! Good.

And now, let's end this meeting on a high note.

Oh, but with this long trip and this exhausting conversation, I'm famished.

Bearnaise?

Yes?

Do we have any of those delicious raisins left?

You ate yours.

These are mine.

Au contraire. They are mine. I paid for them.

Hand them over.

Au contraire. I paid for them. Those are mine.

Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise.

Count de Money.

Count de Money.

Count de Money, Count de Money.

- Count de Money, Count de Money! - De Monet, de Monet.

- Count de Money. - Count de Money.

We should get rid of your tailor.

I don't like your cuffs. I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs.

A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his pee-pee.

Yours are all the way down to your balls.

- At least I have them. - You bitch.

- Lackey! - Count de Money.

De Monet.

- Monet. Say it! Monet. Monet. - Mo... Mo..net.

Mo...net.

Perfect. Don't forget it. Give it to me again. Monet.

- Monet. - Very good. Where's His Majesty?

Sir, the king is playing chess.

Chess? I hate chess.

It's your move, Your Majesty.

I'm quite aware of that, you petit putz.

I see.

Knight to rook four.

- Your move, Popinjay. - Yes, sire.

- Pawn threatens bishop. - What the hell did you say?

Pawn threatens bishop.

All right. I understood.

Pawn threatens bishop. All right, Popinjay. I'm invoking the king's privilege.

Three moves to one. Yes!

Knight jumps queen.

Bishop jumps queen.

Pawns jump queen.

Gangbang! Come on, let's all jump the queen.

Whip out those little dicks! Here we go.

What a spectacle.

Isn't the queen a good sport?

And he is such a fool. Nevertheless, we must do everything we can

to save the thing that divine right and history have placed on his head.

- His wig? - No, you twit. His crown.

The symbol of "Might makes right."

The thing that our fortunes and titles are attached to.

The monarchy.

- Are you going to speak to His Majesty? - Perhaps later.

We had a bouncy journey, I must relieve myself before I burst.

- Where is the gar�on de pisse? - I saw him just now.

Oh, there he is. Over there.

- Oh, merci, monsieur. - Piss boy!

Ah, oui, monsieur. Oui.

- Oui, oui? - Yes, a lot of it.

S'il vous plait.

Keep searching. You'll find it.

Oh, leave me alone. I can handle this.

You look familiar. Who do you look like?

Je Ne sais pas.

Who is that girl? She's gorgeous.

- Pardon, pardon, pardon. - Yes?

You are pissing on my shoe.

- Sorry. Mind your pail! - Sorry, sorry.

Wait for the shake.

Now, there. That's for you.

Piss off.

Thank you. I'll get it later.

Oh, that's better.

Let the queen up, give the queen some air. She's been so good to all of us.

Ooh! There's a naughty bit of crumpet.

Oh, Your Majesty.

- How's it going, Marie? - Oh, you are so naughty.

It's good to be the king.

Everything's so green!

Majesty, may I have a word with you?

- Care for a little toot? - Non, merci.

Don't indulge, eh? Well, leaves more for us.

- Who are you? - Your Majesty, I am Mademoiselle Rimbaud.

Nice names.

- Tell me, my dear, what can I do for you? - Your Majesty.

My father, Monsieur Rimbaud, for ten years has languished in the Bastille.

If I don't get him out soon, he will surely die.

I throw myself on your mercy. Please release him.

Why was he put into the Bastille?

He said something at a royal dinner party. Something behind you.

- What did he say? - He said, "The poor ain't so bad."

Pouilly-Fuiss�E "The poor ain't so bad"? You're lucky he's still alive.

Please, Your Majesty, don't let him die. I'll do anything to gain his pardon, anything.

Anything?

Your Majesty, I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.

You don't put out, he don't get out.

Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.

Come on, you do it. You know you do it.

We all do it. We love to do it. You do it.

- No, I don't. - You want to do it. I do it.

I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again. Don't tell me you don't do it.

Now, either you do it, or your father dies.

It's either hump or death.

- Humperdinck? - Not Humperdinck. "Hump or death."

You got ten seconds to make up your mind. Hump. Death. Hump. Death. Hump. Death.

Hump. Death. Hump. Death.

Hump. Death. Your time is running out! Hump. Death...

All right, all right. Hump!

Very good. I'm glad you thought it over. Be at my chambers at midnight.

A tout �El'heure

Wait!

Don't wear anything...

complicated.

It's good to be the king.

Your Majesty, I must have a word with you...

Ah, the Count de Money.

- De Mo... - Don't correct me. What is it?

Of course, Your Majesty.

I've come on most urgent business. It is said that the people are revolting.

You said it. They stink on ice.

No, this is a very serious problem. The peasants feel you have no regard for them.

What? I have no regard for the peasants?

They are my people. I am their sovereign.

I love them. Pull!

- Drifting to the left. - Your Majesty, the situation is worsening.

The peasants may grow violent.

- Violent? You think? - Yes.

I hate violence. It's the one thing I detest.

Violence. I abhor it.

Pull!

Fell like a stone.

But, Your Majesty, just in case of the remote possibility of a temporary revolution,

don't you think it would be wise to have you safely spirited out of Paris?

Perhaps you're right. But who would sit on my throne in my absence?

- We'll find a double, put him on the throne. - Ah. A double in case of trouble. I like it.

But where would you find a handsome dog to replace me?

Oh, yes, of course, of course. That's it!

- Your Majesty, you look like the piss boy! - And you look like a bucket of shit!

No, you don't understand, Your Majesty.

It is God's will. Except for the beauty mark and mustache.

- There's our double. - Sacr�Ebleu!

You're right. I do look like the piss boy.

All right. At the first sign of trouble, he shall be the king.

- Go. - Immediately, sire.

Bearnaise! Gar�on, I must have a word with you.

- I'm not finished. - You are. Come with me.

- You're finished. - I'm finished.

Lackey.

Your Majesty.

It's good to be the king.

- Good. Now the beauty mark. - It's coming.

Wonderful. No one would ever suspect that His Royal Highness

is really the lowly piss boy.

Oh, this is never gonna work. Please, Count de Money...

De Monet, de Monet.

De Monet, Dubonnet, Ciboney - it's not gonna work.

I can't behave like a king. I don't know king things.

Please, let... See? See? I can't even walk like a king.

I can't walk in heels. I'm no good in heels. He's good in heels.

This'll never work. Why are you doing this to me? What's this all about?

Why are you dressing me like the king? Why do I have to be the king?

It's very simple, really. Is my hair all right?

- Dreadful. - Well, fix it.

Yes. You see, recently, there has been a rumor about a revolution.

And if this revolution should succeed,

the first thing the people will do is cut off the king's head.

If there is a double on the throne, the king can remain in safety...

- while they cut off the double's head. - I get it.

Whoa! I get it! I get it!

- They're here to cut off my head? - Hide in there, I'll see who it is.

All right, take me! Ravage me, Your Majesty. A bargain is a bargain.

- All right. - Wait! You're not the king.

True, true. I am the Count de Money... De Monet, de Monet.

But the king is temporarily indisposed. You've come to the right place.

Please.

You seem troubled, my dear. Let me help you.

- I don't see how you can. - Why not?

I've decided to trade my virginity for my father's freedom,

and submit to the king's lustful wants.

Oh, lustful wa...

Chipped.

This is the saddest night of my life.

And the happiest night of mine.

Excuse me.

Count?

Count de Money? Count de Money?

De Monet... De Monet...

Excuse me, did you see the count?

He was here a moment ago...

All right, Your Majesty. Please ravage me.

Gee, I just ate. I want...

- Take me, Your Majesty, take me! - Where?

Despoil me! Humiliate me! Only do it! Do it! Hump! Hump! Hump!

It's good to be the king. Look, come here. Let's talk about this.

Why don't we go out and have a wonderful candlelit dinner?

Then after that a couple of magnums of wine, see a few nude paintings.

- Get in the mood, you know what I mean? - Your Majesty, I don't understand.

You said if I let you have your way with me, you'd let my father out of the dungeon.

Ah! That's what I said.

Look, for all intents and purposes, I'm the king, right?

Why don't we go to my desk? There must be a pardon in the desk,

and we'll get your daddy out of jail. Come on.

Let's look through the desk. Must be thousands of pardons in the king's desk.

Here we go. OK.

Execution, execution, execution, execution, execution, ex... Tough guy.

This can't be... Must be a pardon somewhere. Let's see.

Ah! One. One left. We're lucky. Yes.

Let's see. Your father's name?

Rimbaud.

Rimbaud? How do you spell "R..."? Oh, never mind.

- Rimbaud. Is that French? - Oui.

All right. Here we go. July 14, 1789,

signed by Louis... quatorze, quinze, sixteen...

- How do you say "sixteen" in French? - Seize.

Seize you. Good.

Now, you give this to the head officer at the jail, and he will set your father free.

Your Majesty.

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, tweet.

Hello? No song for me today, Pierre?

What's the matter with you? Cat got your tongue?

I was right. He got his tongue, eyes and beak. The lot.

Oh, dearie me.

Not so lucky, Pierre

Oh, you. You naughty pussy. Naughty, naughty pussy.

And now, to invent the catapult.

He's in there.

Father!

Oh, my darling father, I have good news.

You're free.

Free! Did you hear that, my little winged friends? Free. Free!

And so, they shall be free too.

Fly, my pretty one. Fly.

Away! The sky is your playground.

Happy landing, Mother, Mrs. Schultz.

Hurry, father. Hurry, before the king changes his mind.

What a racket! How can I get sleep around here?

Guns, fireworks...

Your Majesty!

Quick, your Majesty, it's a revolution!

You've got to escape. They're storming the palace.

So that's the noise. The revolution!

- Free, I'm free... - My father, the man you pardoned.

Thank you, Your Highness. I thought I'd never live to see the day

- when I would once again... - Yes, yes.

Dad!

What fool put a carpet on the wall?

- Hurry up. - Quick, Dad.

You're not as tall as you used to be.

- I was wrong. - Quick, follow me.

Quick, hurry.

What the... Who designed this place?

That way, that way.

- There he is. - Wait, wait. You're making a big mistake.

- In the name of the people of France... - Fronce.

..Fronce, we place you, King Louis, under arrest.

But, dot dot dot, you don't understand!

Take him away. Take them all away.

No, wait! I'm with you.

Whee! Whee!

Oh, Jacques, Jacques.

Courage, my dear. Watch me, and take heart by my example.

I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king,

but I can die like a king.

Your Majesty? You're next.

- Do you require a blindfold? - None.

- Have you any last words? - None.

Test the guillotine.

Holy shit! Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Last request, last request. - What is your last request?

- Novocaine. - Wait a moment.

There is no such thing known to medical science.

- I'll wait. - Seize him!

Off with his head! Off with his head!

Oh, please, listen to me. I'm not the king.

Bullshit!

It's a very hard crowd.

- Seize him. - Wait. Wait a minute. Gimme a break.

- Put his head on the block. - Wait, I don't want to die. Don't hurt me.

Only a miracle can save him.

It's Miracle!

I don't believe it! Josephus!

Whoa!

- Hey, baby! Get down. Get down. - Jump!

How'd you get all the way here from the Roman Empire?

Oh, don't be square, Mon ch�ri. Movies is magic.

Uh-oh, we had better kiss soon.

- Why? - We're coming to the end. See?

Oh, my darling...

Oh, my darling.

Looks like it's a big ending.

Wait! Where are you going?

Coming soon! Don't miss History of the World Part ll.

See Hitler on ice.

See a Viking funeral.

See Jews in space.

We're Jews out in space

We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race

We're Jews out in space

If trouble appears, we'll put it right back in its place

When goyim attack us

We'll give them a smack, we'll slap them right back in the face

We're Jews out in space

We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race

We're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race

Edited By : Reza Fa.