All language subtitles for Sex.Tape.2014.720p.BluRay.x264.YIFY.HI

(ANNIE READING)

Do you remember the first time
your husband saw you naked?

Do you remember
what it felt like?

Do you remember
what he felt like?

- Holy motherfuckin' fuck!
- Oh, my God!

- Holy fuck!
- Oh, my God!

(BOTH YELLING)

(PANTING)
Wow!

- Again?
- Fuck, yeah.

ANNIE: Now, this might
be a little harder.

Do you remember the second time
your husband saw you naked?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

BETH: Annie, you coming?

- We're gonna be late.
- WOMAN: Wake up, sleepyhead!

- WOMAN 2: Annie!
- Shit.

Hey, guys.
I, uh, totally overslept.

- Um, okay. Well, you can meet us.
- ANNIE: Okay. That sounds...

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

I saw your butt.
Just standin' there.

Did you?

I never seen
your butt before.

I had no choice.

ANNIE: We accidentally
left the door open.

I mean, can you even
imagine a world

where you accidentally
leave the door open?

I love fucking you.

I fucking love you.

ANNIE: For Jay and I,

the next few months
were a blur

of constant naked,
sweaty, ugly, amazing sex.

(ANNIE AND JAY GRUNTING)

Okay. I got it.

(GRUNTS)
Oh, God!

I'll probably be pretty
hungry after this.

It's been a while
since I've eaten.

I can make you
a sandwich.

We could probably make a burrito
out of shit we have here.

Okay-

(SQUEALING)
Oh, no!

Holy Mary,
mother of...

ANNIE: And let's face it.
(SIGHS)

The erections.

Oh, God. Do you remember
the erections?

Erections everywhere.

If the Wind blew.

If he ate certain foods.

If he watched any movie.

If he got sleepy.

If he woke up.

Good morning.

Sometimes,
I swear his erection

knew I was in the area
before Jay did.

Annie?

Everywhere we went,
everything we did,

was another opportunity
to have sex.

Do you think we should be
doing this right here?

Baby, honestly,
I don't think anyone

can tell what's happening.

ANNIE: It's not that
it was just sex.

But we knew that
there was always

more sex just around
the corner.

(ANNIE SQUEALS)

Then, it happened.

Dad.

Mom.

Jay and I
have some big news.

We're in love. We're pregnant
and we're getting married.

- Come again?
- Honey, wait. What?

(STAMMERS)
Are you sure?

Yeah. I took the test
three times.

No, honey. No, I mean,

are you sure that now
is the right time?

You're both very,
very young

and who knows what
the future holds?

(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, Greg?

Oh. Jay.

Yeah. Where are you
from again?

Mr. and Mrs. Grovner, uh,

I know that we just met.

But when I first met Annie,

I knew that she was the one.

And so I think,
once you get to know me,

you're gonna feel

a lot better about this
moment than you do right now

because I really love
your daughter.

(MOUTHING)
I love you.

Oh, boy.
(CHUCKLES)

Well, goodbye, sex.
(CHUCKLES)

- Dad!
- Walt.

- What?
- What?

They're not right,
are they?

No, of course not.

I don't think.

We're not too young?

JAY: Oh, we're young.
You know?

But we definitely
know each other.

Greg, right?

Yes, I'm Greg.

Look, here's what I think.

They're right.

We don't know
what the future holds.

But I also think that whatever
the world throws at us,

let's deal with it, right?

- Yeah.
- You know?

But what about
the sex part?

Are you still gonna
wanna have sex with me

even when I am big
and fat and pregnant,

and then later when
I'm somebody's mother?

Yeah!

- Yeah.
- Really?

Babe, my dick
can see the future.

That's why we call it
Nostracockus.

(LAUGHS)

What about you? Are you gonna
wanna have sex with me?

Yes, I'm gonna wanna
have sex with you.

- Yeah?
- Yes!

Do you know why I'm gonna
wanna have sex with you?

- My butt?
- Because of your butt, babe.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

ANNIE: We promised ourselves
nothing would change.

That we wouldn't let it.

And even though
it was awkward sometimes,

we made it work.

If you could just turn
a little bit more.

- Yep.
- To the right.

I think we're good.

That's... I'm maxed out.
My stomach's in the way.

You know what?
I'm gonna grab boob.

Yeah, just be careful.
They're really sensitive.

And not in a good way.

Got it. Very gently
grabbin' boob.

Okay, gently.

And here comes the penis.
(CHUCKLES)

That's gonna be
the name of my album.

ANNIE: We were determined.
And often, successful.

Then came the event.

(SCREAMING)
Motherfucker!

You're doing an amazing job, babe.
You're doing great!

Tell her
she's doing great!

He's crowning,
if you'd like to see.

Yeah.

Wow!

That is one
incredibly versatile hole.

You're tellin' me.

ANNIE: From that moment on,
everything was completely different.

No two ways about it.

(BABY CRYING OVER MONITOR)

Oh, I'll be back.

ANNIE: Not that
we didn't try.

(BABY CRYING)

Got it.

And if one
made it difficult,

two made it
almost impossible.

Honey,
(JAY SNORING)

let's try to have
sex next weekend

when my mom comes
over for lunch, okay?

I'm gonna do you
like a fucking...

(SNORING RESUMES)

ANNIE: Now, do you
remember the last time

your husband saw you naked?

- Jay.
- JAY: Yeah.

I need a little help here.

I may be late for my thing
if I don't get in here

and take a shower right away.
Can we switch places?

(SNEEZES)

ANNIE: You know,
don't even think about it.

The big question is, how the
hell do you get it back?

JAY: All right, guys!
Let's get goin'!

Clive, if you wanna wear your
uniform, you gotta get changed, bud.

Uh, one minute.
This is really important.

What are you workin' on?

It's my video
yearbook presentation

for graduation on Monday.

JAY: That is super
impressive, man.

- Where'd you learn how to do that?
- It's really easy, Dad.

Hey, save it as something

other than "Video 1"
for me, will ya?

It's fine. It's Video 1.

Hey, Clive. I asked you
to do something, right?

Don't condescend to me.

It's time to go to school.
I'll meet you in the car.

Nell, are you ready?

Later.

JAY: All right, gang!
Let's go!

Wait, honey. Hold on!

I'm going!

I'm going, too!

Mommy packed me two kinds of sandwiches.
Jelly and peanut butter.

- Oh, yes, honey.
- Wow.

Bye, honey. Good
luck with your game.

- NELL: Good luck at work!
- Thanks, baby.

JAY: Clive, buckle up
your sister, will ya?

- Honey, did you pack all of her stuff?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.

Don't forget to
stop by and grab...

Light bulbs.
I am on top of it. Hey.

It's gonna go great.

God, is this actually
happening?

Am I gonna sell the blog for money?
Like, real money?

Is that possible?

It would be amazing.
For everything.

CLIVE: Dad,
I can't be late again!

- Yes! I'll be right there, guys!
- CLIVE: Let's go!

Yes, Clive! I heard...

Is it just me or is the big
one becoming kind of a dick?

Don't say that.
Seriously, babe.

No, I'm just sayin'
he's acting like a dick.

Don't say that.

Hey, we should have
sex sometime soon.

- Oh, I would love that.
- Yeah, me, too.

Maybe Thursday.

Fantastic. 'Cause it feels
like it's been a long time.

- It has, right?
- JAY: Yeah.

The last time was when we got those
towels from Bed Bath & Beyond.

- Oh, that's right. That was a while ago.
- Yeah, the linen sale.

Look, we can't talk
about this right now,

because we both
have someplace to be.

Not the right time.
Gotta get goin'.

It's just been so hard to find
the moment with the kids.

At the end of the day, we're
just both so exhausted.

- You know?
- Oh, just tell me about it.

Maybe one of these nights,
we'll have sex

instead of watching
Project Runway.

We'll TiVo Project Runway.

That's probably why
they invented TiVo.

So people could have sex.

NELL: Daddy?
I still don't get it.

Why do we keep having
all of these days?

And then,
going to bed at night?

And then, having
all of these days?

And then, going to bed
at night?

Well, uh, that's
sort of what life is.

When will it end?

It won't.

Well, it'll end
when we die.

Don't do that, buddy.
Okay?

Won't I get bored
of doing this stuff

again and again and again?

No.

But you and Mommy
are bored.

Well, that's what
happens with marriage.

Who are you?

(CHUCKLES)

Dad, (STUTTERS)
Nell's doing it again.

Hey. Nell, get your finger
out of your butt.

Is anyone gonna
clean her finger?

Hey! Stop! No!

- Nell!
- CLIVE: No. Stop.

Do you mind if I join you?

I don't mind!

CLIVE: No! Stop. Stop!
(LAUGHTER)

As you know, Piper Brothers
is the world's number one

toy and child
product brand

in the zero-to-four
age range

for over 50 years.

We're looking to bring Piper
Brothers into the future.

And a big part of
that is developing

the Piper Brothers
online community

in a way that's befitting
of the Piper Brothers name.

But also in a way that says,

"This is not your grandfather's
Piper Brothers."

But in order for us
to do that, we need content.

Hey, everybody! Annie!

- Hi.
- Hank Rosenbaum.

Such a pleasure.
Thank you so much.

I've heard so much
about you.

- Please, sit down.
- Thank you.

Can I get you anything?
Coffee? Finger sandwich?

Sliced pineapple?

No, no. I'm fine with just water.
Thanks.

Oh, well, I just wanna stick
my head in and say hi

and to tell you that I'm a
big fan of what you do.

Thanks. That's really
nice to hear.

We think you have
brand potential.

The model
Piper Brothers mother.

HANK: We really
believe in you.

And I always say
that belief

is the only metric
that matters.

We didn't bring you here to wow
you with incredible numbers

because numbers
are really just

an algorithm for
passion and values.

It's like I was
telling my wife, Schlomit,

I think I found the voice
of Piper Brothers' values.

(CHUCKLES)
Yeesh!

Thanks!

Are you sure
we can't get you

a finger sandwich
or a slice of pineapple?

I'm okay.

There are certain content
guidelines we'd like to discuss.

- Oh, how do you mean?
- Little things.

"Do you remember
the first time"

"your husband
saw you naked?"

Right, um...

"The erections? Do you
remember the erections?"

(CHUCKLES)
No, I remember that part.

"Erections everywhere."

That's an unusual
post for me.

It's a great post.
I enjoyed it.

But what we're looking
for from you

is your authentic,
wholesome voice.

It's the kind of content
that Piper Brothers

mothers are so hungry for.

Look, I love
being a mother.

And I love writing
about it.

Well, we will make you
a meaningful proposal.

And we're very excited.

Should we have
some pineapple?

(LAUGHING)

We can have someone
get you some pineapple.

MAN: Band's coming to the
Los Angeles area tomorrow.

Meantime, here's the new single.
It's called Spank Me.

I swear to you, man.

I think I am in love
with this girl.

- Max, that's big news.
- Yeah.

It's, like, we...

I don't know.
We just connect.

Like, we have these
really long, like,

super intense
conversations. You know?

About religion,
and snowboarding.

And then, like,
out of nowhere,

she'll just text me
her boobs.

She just texted you a picture
of her boobs out of the blue?

Oh, buddy. Good for you.
(CHUCKLES)

- Enjoy this time.
- Thank you, dude.

- That's amazing.
- Yeah.

I once sent Annie
a picture of my dick.

She was at a PTA meeting.
It was horrible.

Did you go full dick?

Yeah. I...

Oh.

For a man, I feel like
it's dick or...

That's kind of
your only option.

Yeah, I avoid my dick.

I usually just do, like,

you know, the sexier
parts of me.

Um, like, part bag,
part leg.

You know?

I'll go undercarriage.
So...

I'll have my friend,
Doug, come over

and we'll just
knock it out real fast.

Your friend comes over and
takes a picture of your balls?

Yeah. Yeah.
You know Doug, right?

- Your neighbor?
- Yeah.

He's actually a really
good photographer.

He works from home.

- And, so...
- ROSIE: Hey, guys.

- Hey, Rosie.
- Hello, Rosie.

New iPads are here.

Ah, thank you. I have
been waiting for these.

How many of those
things do you have?

Two at a time.

One for new music.
One for back catalogue.

I have this complicated syncing
system, but it works out.

Well, what do you do with the old ones?
I just give 'em as gifts.

(PHONE BUZZES)

- Hey, babe. How'd it go?
- They wanna buy it!

That's amazing! What did they say?
Did they make an offer?

They're going to.

They said it would be "meaningful."
Whatever that means.

I think that means
a lot of money.

- Right?
- (SQUEALS) I know!

Well, we have to celebrate.

Slow down. They haven't
made the offer yet.

They're going to. And
that's reason to celebrate.

I can get Sam to cover me tonight.
What do you wanna do?

I don't know. Should we take
the kids somewhere fun?

Like pizza and roller
skating or something?

Totally! I can't wait.

I'll see you
in a couple hours.

Okay, hon. Love you.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?
- ANNIE: Hey, Mom.

What's wrong, honey?

Nothing's wrong.

What are you
doing tonight?

All right,

who's ready for some
roller skating?

Annie?

Clive? Nelly?

Annie, you here?

All right.

Hello.

Hey-

- Hey, babe.
- Hi.

Where are the kids?

They're at my mom's.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, they are? I thought that we
were gonna go down to the...

Whoa, holy shit! Wow!

(CHUCKLES)
Hi.

Wow. Look at you.

- Too much?
- No, it's great.

I was thinking...

Yeah! Yes!
(CHUCKLES)

The kids, um,
how long are they...

They're sleepin' over.

Yes!

- 'Cause I was thinking that...
- Whoa.

Maybe we could celebrate,
just the two of us.

I get it.

That's a great idea.

This is, like, the best
idea you've ever had.

(CHUCKLES)
You look amazing.

- Do you own these underwear?
- Mm-hmm.

'Cause I've never
seen those before.

Come on.

This is so exciting.
I'm so excited right now.

(LAUGHS)

(SQUEALS)

And now you're
on the bed.

This is great.
I love where this is headed.

Your narrating,
it's so hot.

She said, encouragingly.

Get over here and take these
roller skates off of me.

I love it when you talk that
way about your roller skates.

Double knot.

Okay-

Here, maybe...

- No, no, no, I got it.
- Okay.

ANNIE: (GIGGLING) Ooh.

Okay, that should do it.

- And a-one...
- Uh-huh.

(GROANS)
(GASPS)

Ow!
(GRUNTS)

- Fuck! Ow.
- Ow!

That got a lot less hot
real quick, didn't it?

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

Mmm.

- Mm-hmm?
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Should we continue?

- Yes.
- Mm.

(JAY GRUNTING)

Mm! Oop...

- Babe. That was like...
- Toothy.

- Okay, just relax.
- Do I not seem relaxed?

No, I mean both of us.
What I'm talking about.

Oh. We'll both relax.
We'll just relax.

If we both relaxed,
it'd be good.

Just...

Sorry. I'm sorry.

- What is happening with us right now?
- I don't know.

I just got
in my head a little bit.

It was just weird for a second.
I'm sorry. Okay, it's fine.

Here's what we're gonna do.

- All right.
- Here we go.

- Let's do this thing.
- It's on.

(BOTH GRUNT)

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

- What?
- We have hit boob.

(ANNIE LAUGHS) We've got
a man on second base.

It's a baseball term but it
also means touching your boob.

I know what it means.
Why don't we go to third.

Whoa.

(ANNIE GIGGLES)

- What?
- Hmm?

What?

Too much in my own head.

I think I've been
dreaming

about this moment
for so long Mm-hmm.

When we could, like,
drop everything Yeah.

- And just properly schtup.
- Right, right.

Instead of when
you're like, half conscious

and can't resist,
you know?

You think I wanna resist?

Of course I know
that you wanna have sex.

Sometimes I just wonder if you
wanna have sex that much.

I do. I do wanna
have sex that much.

But sometimes
I just feel like

you know, you're tired
or you're stressed out.

- And maybe...
- Me?

I don't know,
I wonder sometimes

if you're still, you know,
attracted to me.

Are you kidding?
You're a fuckin' sexpot.

You think I'm a sexpot?

Instant boner.

That's what I always
say about you.

My wife, instant
boner-giver.

(CHUCKLES)

Tell me more about
this boner of yours.

(GRUNTS)
He's a good guy.

- Proud. Strong.
- Ooh.

Great sense
of humor.

Let's go fuck on
the kitchen floor.

There he is.

You comin'?

(THUDDING, GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

ANNIE: I'm so glad
that I mopped yesterday.

JAY: Yeah, totally.

(GRUNTS) Honey?
Babe, babe, honey.

Do you wanna go
somewhere else?

Oh, my God, thank God
you said something.

My knees hurt, like, really bad.
Oh, God.

They really hurt.

I know. My tailbone
is killing me

and I can see
my to-do list.

(PANTING)

- Should we try the couch?
- Yeah.

- Sex on the couch, of course, yeah.
- (CLAPS) Let's go.

Let's go.

(SNIFFLES)

- It'll just be a minute.
- Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh .

- No.
- No?

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you have allergies?

Yeah, all week. I've had
allergies all week.

- It's 'cause of the pressure change.
- Oh, is that what it is?

Mmm.

- This used to totally work, remember?
- Totally work.

This was like my move.

You loved this.

Shit, man!

- What is happening?
- It's okay.

Is it possible that
we have somehow

forgotten how to have sex?

- Do not say that.
- Because we used to be great at this.

Yeah, we were. We were.

I was like Shaquille O'Neal
in the sack.

I had that kind of game.

What?

Shaquille O'Neal's a
weird comparison.

I'm just trying to say that I was
a dominant player. Yeah, I know.

- I would've gone with Derek Fisher for you.
- Derek Fisher?

- What? He's a great player.
- Okay.

I feel like we're tryin' to
say the same thing. Okay.

- You were like LeBron James.
- Oh, thanks, honey.

We were like Derek Fisher
and LeBron James having sex.

I'm saying we were
world-class.

And now,
what is happening?

(SIGHS)

I don't know.
I mean, we're older.

(SIGHS)

We're parents.

Yeah, but we're not dead!

I still think about
sex all the time.

I know.
I use your computer.

- Oh, the porn.
- Yeah.

You and I used to watch
porn together all the time.

I still watch porn
every once in a while.

- You do?
- Yeah.

But the quality of writing
has really gone downhill.

I like it best when it feels
like they're really in love.

Yeah, I feel like we're getting
different things out of porn.

Maybe.

I just watch it for the
naked women having sex.

And the porn guys

don't get in the way
or anything?

Don't even see 'em.

They're completely
invisible to me.

Should we watch
some porn?

Eh.

Just feels
kind of depressing.

Yeah.

Do we have any
of that tequila left?

That's a good idea.

- That's a really good idea.
- JAY: Right.

Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.

We are gonna drink some tequila.
Whoo!

We're gonna
pull ourselves

out of this
sad little moment

that we're having
and after that...

We're gonna be Derek Fisher
and LeBron fucking James.

That's exactly
what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna call my mom
and make sure

the kids went to sleep okay.

♪ Karma-karma-karma-karma ♪
♪ karma chameleon ♪

♪ She come and goes ♪

♪ She come and go-o-o-oes ♪

♪ Karma Chameleon gonna... ♪

Hey-

Hey-

Oh, yeah.
I just got that today.

I'm super excited about it.

It's got a higher-resolution
display,

which means more pixels,

and they upgraded the camera.

- What?
- I just had this idea.

Oh, all right.
Let's hear it.

Let's make a porn.

Excuse me?

Let's video ourselves
having sex.

(STAMMERS)

- Absolutely. Yeah, totally.
- Really?

Yeah. The more I think about
it, yes, that's a great idea.

I think it's kind
of hot, right?

Babe, I think that
is a great idea.

Here, cheers.

Look at us.
Annie and Jay.

Send the kids off
to Grandma's house,

make a little porn.

- Mazel tov.
- To porn.

Chug it.

(GROANS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I mean, drink to that.

Oh, yeah.

We don't even have to watch
it if we don't want to.

Or we could.
Either way.

Okay, honey,

what's our storyline?

- Story?
- Yeah.

I'm not sure the story's
that important.

Yeah. Oh, come on.

I have another idea.

Well, I would like
to hear that idea.

Because you're clearly
in the zone.

This is it.

This is what
we're gonna do.

The Joy of Sex.

We still have that.

Every position, right now.

Oh, I like that.
I like that a lot.

Every single one?

Yep. We're not
gonna skip one.

- Even, uh...
- Yeah. Even that.

- Yes!
- But also...

Totally. It's in the book.

Yay! And we'll video
the whole thing.

You're a genius.
No, I married a genius.

(SIGHS) I need
another drink.

I need to be drunker.

Okay-

- Here I go.
- ANNIE: Get here. Okay.

(BEEPS)
Action.

- Hello.
- Hi.

And welcome to
Annie and Jay's,

A Night With
Annie and Jay.

I'm Jay and this is
my lovely wife, Annie.

And tonight,

we intend to demonstrate
every position

in The Joy of Sex.

Are you speaking
to our students, honey?

Why, yes, I am, Annie.

And this is our dojo.

Our sex dojo.

Our sex dojo.
That's right.

Annie, the book, please.

Here you go, Professor.

Thank you, Annie.

Well.

Wow. Wow. Okay.

Look at that bush.

Well, look at his bush.

I'm talking about his bush.

Is that still his bush?

I can't tell where her
bush ends and his begins.

People were furrier
in the '70s.

Oh.

- "Matrimonial." Mm-hmm.
- That's right. Wow. Hmm.

Matrimonial.

Can we start with something
other than missionary?

Absolutely. We can loop
back around to missionary.

Right. It's not goin' anywhere.

Okay, close your eyes,
my dear.

- (CLEARS THROAT) Say "stop" when I...
- Stop!

"Flanquette."

- Flanquette!
- Oh.

That is what
I'm talkin' about.

- I feel good about this one.
- Me, too.

Okay. So you see
what's happening?

- That's my leg.
- Yeah, okay.

- But that's your leg.
- Okay.

So, it's like...

Yep. All right.

- Let's do this. Let's do it.
- Let's do it.

(ANNIE CHUCKLES)

JAY: What?

- Come here. Come here.
- JAY: Okay, here we go.

- Hi.
- Hi.

(ANNIE GIGGLING)

- Okay, ready? Okay.
- Yeah.

Go.
Go.

You're amazing at that.

Really?

- Oh, my gosh.
- Still?

Are you kidding me?

You were like a machine.

Like a battering ram.

Thank you.

- Honey?
- Yeah?

Erase that video, okay?

Yeah.

I don't want the kids to ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever...

No, I'll erase it.
No worries.

You don't forget, okay?

I won't forget.

(ANNIE SIGHS)

I love fucking you.

I fucking love you.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

No! No,
not my own son!

Whoops!

So as long as we
get them both down

for thew second naps
by 2:00 - ish,

then the nighttime
is a little better.

Yeah, if we don't get them down
by 2:00-ish we're totally fucked.

Wow. "Totally fucked."
That's nice.

PUNIT: This is just
an expression.

How else would
you describe this?

I would describe
this as...

- Super fucked?...
- A gift of life. You're welcome.

You guys are bouncing the
shit out of those babies.

You're bouncing 'em hard.

Oh, you guys
are doing great.

It's getting
a lot easier, though.

Oh, we're seeing the light
at the end of the tunnel.

KIA: Yeah. You guys should
have seen us a month ago.

I don't even know
who I was then.

Oh, my God.
These are the salad days.

Yeah, it sounds really
intense, but you got it!

So, are you guys
thinking of having more?

ALL: No.

Isn't it crazy
that the boys

are graduating fourth grade?
Isn't that crazy?

And Howard is graduating fifth grade.
When did that happen?

Since when did kids graduate
from fourth and fifth grade?

It used to be
school just ended.

There wasn't a ceremony
for everything.

- Just...
- Ignore him.

- I will.
- TESS: Yeah.

I love your blog, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, do you think Piper
Brothers is gonna go for it?

- Fingers crossed.
- (CHUCKLES) Yes.

Hey. Good people.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- Hello, you.
- Hi.

You're really wet.
Look at you.

Yeah. I should go put
on some dry clothes.

Oh, um, I'm gonna,
uh, come with you

'cause we gotta talk
about that... About, uh...

- The thing.
- Yes, the thing.

Totally. We have to
talk about a thing.

Thank you.

Jesus. Kill me.

- Hey.
- Hello, pal.

- Gentlemen.
- Hey, Howie.

It's Howard.

Just Howard.

Sorry.

You know what? I just
gave up a Super Soaker.

Why don't you
get in there, bud?

- Oh!
- Hmm.

- Maybe I will.
- Yeah.

I do enjoy Super Soakers.

Yeah!

You can see the difference
in personalities already.

This one loves watermelon.

This one's kind
of an asshole.

I think everyone
had fun, right?

Oh, totally.
It was great.

What about Punit and Kia?

Whoa!

Kinda hate
each other, right?

Sure seemed like it, yeah.
(PHONE CHIMES)

"Enjoyed your video"?

ANNIE:
Where's the pizza cutter?

Babe, do you see the pizza
cutter out there anywhere?

Um...

Yes?

ANNIE: Jay.

Jay, the pizza cutter?

JAY: It's yours.

I have so many
of them. Enjoy.

(CHUCKLES)
Wow.

Fuck me.

Honey, are there any
more plates outside?

Just a second.

JAY: Hello!

ANNIE: Hi!

Hello!

Hello!

- Honey...
- Fuck!

That sweater nice, girl.

Thanks.

I...

Was it... Did I...

Could...

What the hell is going on?

Um...

It's, uh...

When...

(SNIFFS)

You know the cloud?

So what you're saying

is that instead of erasing the video
like you said that you would,

you actually ended up
sending it

to everyone that
you ever given

one of those
fucking iPads to?

- That is not at all what happened.
- No?

Well, technically, yes!
It's exactly what happened.

But it was so accidental,
it doesn't even qualify as...

(GASPS)

Thank you.

Hank Rosenbaum!

- What?
- The Piper Brothers guy!

- You gave him one?
- Yes! I told you I needed one for work.

I put my entire
presentation on it.

You did?

I'm supposed to be the model
Piper Brothers mother!

Maybe he hasn't
seen it yet.

As a matter of fact, Annie, I'm willing
to bet that none of these people

have even noticed that the
video is on there yet.

Except for this text, but...

What text?

I received a text.

From who?

It's unclear.

(SIGHS)

I'm not sure how to hurt
you right now, Jay.

I know.

- But let's take a deep breath.
- Shit!

Come sit down next to me.

Come sit down. Come here.

Let's look at

- what's actually happened.
- Okay.

We made a video

of ourselves having sex

for about three hours,

and it was amazing, right?

- Yeah, no, it was great.
- Okay.

And then you asked me
to erase it and I forgot.

- You forgot?
- I forgot.

And now our video

has been synced
to several devices.

All of which, though, are basically
in the possession of friends.

- Oh, God.
- And acquaintances.

And the mailman.

Oh, God!

Who sent you
that text, Jay?

I don't know.
I don't know, Annie.

Did you call the number?

That is actually
a really good idea.

Oh, my God.

OPERATOR: Your call
has been forwarded...

- Voice mail!
- Okay, oh.

Hi, this is Jay Hargrove.

Could you give me
a call back

at your earliest
convenience, please?

I believe you have
the number. Bye.

That's it?

What the hell else was I
supposed to say to the guy?

"Who the fuck is this?"

I wouldn't call back if someone
left that on my machine.

Okay, we have to get
these iPads back right now.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

- Hi, Mom!
- Hi, honey.

Is there any chance
that you might be able

to come and, um, watch the kids
for us, uh, like, right away?

Right now?

We really need you to,
like, right away

if you could come over.

Why, I suppose.

- Thanks, Mom. That's so great. Thanks.
- (MOUTHING) Annie.

Hold on a second. What?

It might be worth
asking your mom,

um, to bring her iPad.

Are you kidding me?

And could you
bring your iPad, too?

- My iPad?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Great, okay.

- What are you not gonna forget?
- The iPad.

So say goodbye, hang up
and then come right away.

Okay. All right.

- Can you hang up?
- Okay, honey.

Okay, hang up now, Mom.

Okay, say goodbye.

Okay, hang up.

- Bye.
- Okay, bye!

Who else
has these things?

Let's think about it.

Robby, the mailman...

Every time you say
"mailman," Jay,

I'm just gonna hit you.

You see, it was Christmas...

I don't give a shit.

Mailman, Robby, Hank,
my mother, and who else?

(GASPS)
Oh, my God!

Clive?

ANNIE: May I see that for
a second, honey? Why?

Just for a second.
I was using that!

What the hell?

I can't take any chances.

Okay, kid!
Come on, Jay!

Grandma's here for
some mysterious reason!

Oh, my gosh!
Is that the iPad

I gave you?
I love that iPad.

- Can I borrow it?
- Why is Grandma here?

Yay! Grandma!

Okay. Grandma's gonna
watch you guys

while Mommy
and Daddy go out.

You guys can order
Chinese food.

- CLIVE: I hate Chinese food.
- Okay. Then order a pizza.

Once again,
enjoy this iPad.

I had to make sure it
was working. Enjoy that.

- Let's go! Thank you.
- What about my iPad?

Thank you.

Man. The construction on these
things is just unbelievable.

Jay! Come on,
Jay, let's go!

Let's go to Robby and Tess' house first!
Let's go!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Sorry! Got it!

ANNIE: So I'm just
trying to understand

why it is that you
don't erase these things

before you give
them to people.

I have amazing playlists

and people want them.
That's the gift.

The gift is the playlist,
not the iPad.

When I update my music library,
it syncs to their iPads.

I use an app called Frankensync
to sync the playlists.

I upgraded
to this new app,

Bride of Frankensync,

and now, apparently,
it syncs all of my shit

to everywhere 'cause it's
a very powerful app!

How do you forget to
erase your sex tape?

It kept slipping my mind

and then, the next thing
I knew, it went up!

It went up to the cloud!

And you can't get it
down from the cloud?

Nobody understands
the cloud!

It's a fucking mystery!

Look, all that's happened
here is there's been a very

minor syncing mishap.

This is not minor!

And I wish that you would
just admit that you fucked up

instead of trying to convince
me that this isn't a big deal

'cause it is a big deal.

You know what, Annie?

I'm on there, too.

Oh, who gives a shit?
Nobody cares about you.

Nobody wants to watch
you having sex.

You said it yourself.
Nobody cares about the guy!

It's the woman that has to live with
it forever. (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

- Who is it?
- "Guess who?" Smiley face.

- Who the fuck is this?
- Fuck!

It's gotta be Tess.
It's gotta be Tess.

- You think?
- Yeah!

With the whole "XOXO smiley face" thing?
Yeah. It's Tess.

Right, is that really
a Tess thing,

or is that more of like a,
uh, very, very common thing?

No, it's a Tess thing.

She must just be
joking around.

Except her number is in my
phone so it would say, "Tess."

Well, maybe
she got a new phone.

She probably saw
what it was

and stopped watching it
immediately

because she has so much
respect for our privacy.

This makes perfect sense.

Right. Okay.

Okay, great. It's Tess.

- I'd buy it.
- Yeah.

She picks up the iPad, sees
there's a sex tape on there,

pushes play, it's us,
immediately stopped it,

- 'cause she respects us.
- Yes.

Then she went out and got a new
phone and a new phone number.

Yeah.

So do you think that means
Robby has seen it, too?

Well, if he's seen it, you're gonna
have to get a new best friend.

We're just gonna cut Robby
and Tess out of our lives?

Yeah, that's right. And if the
mailman has seen it, we're movin'.

(GASPS) Wait.
What if it's not Tess?

Okay, look. We're just
gonna feel this out,

and if it doesn't
seem like it's her,

- we just don't say anything at all.
- Okay? Of course.

No, no. They do not need
to know about this. Okay?

Babe, it's gonna be
pretty easy

to tell if they've
seen it or not.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(MUFFLED TALKING)
(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hey!

- Hey.
- Hey!

What's going on?

What's going on
with you?

Nothing. Nothing.
Just hanging out.

It's our anniversary,
actually,

so Marta took Howard
to a movie

and we're just, uh,

hanging out,
watching some...

Hey! What are you
guys doing here?

- Hey.
- Hey.

We're so sorry to
drop by like this

on your anniversary
and all.

Yeah, why didn't you guys mention
it was your anniversary?

- Uh, cause it's our 12th anniversary?
- Yeah.

Like, who cares, right?
So... (CHUCKLING)

You guys wanna come in?

Or not.

What were you guys
watching?

(SIGHS)
Um... (CHUCKLES)

- This is really embarrassing.
- Yeah.

Just tell us what
you guys were watching.

- Yeah. It's not a big deal.
- What were you watching?

Okay, all right,
all right.

We're watching the first
season of Breaking Bad.

TESS: It's really
embarrassing

how far behind we are.

- ANNIE: That's a great show.
- Yeah.

You guys really
are far behind.

- That's all right.
- Don't tell us what happens!

Hey, while we're here,

remember that iPad
I gave you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I need that back.

Oh, uh...

Okay. Oh, was that why you...

Is that why you
came here

to our house,
to get your iPad back?

- Well...
- Um...

I have some stuff on it
that I need.

What? Dirty pictures
or something?

(CHUCKLES) You guys
make a sex tape?

Did you guys watch it?

I was kidding.

(QUIETLY)
What the fuck?

And then Jay received
this text that said,

"Loved your video. Thanks
for sharing. XOXO."

And you thought
that was from me?

Well, it sounded like you.

I don't think if I'd seen your sex
tape, I would have done "XOXO."

I was hoping
it was you...

Because if it wasn't me,
then who is it?

No, I get it. I get it.

Um... Could we back up
for just a second?

So you taped yourself
having sex for three hours?

Yes.

Why did you do that?

Never mind.

- Who has sex for three hours?
- We did.

That's the length of the movie Lincoln.
You did the full Lincoln.

Well, guys, I'm sorry,
you know,

but I'm not the one
who sent that text.

- God, this isn't happening.
- Oh...

Oh, okay, uh, (SIGHS)
who else has these things?

You guys, the mailman...

Hank Rosenbaum.

- Piper Brothers guy?
- Yes!

Oh, the guy that wants
to buy your blog?

And who's very concerned
about my image.

Okay, I'm an idiot!

- No! Come on!
- You messed up.

No.

He is. Let him have that.

I would have killed you.

Oh, I mean, if you had thought
about it for a second,

you'd know to just
password-protect your shit.

I would have killed
you in your sleep.

Or just fucking delete it.

Oh, my God. Wait!

- Wait a minute!
- What?

My sister is his florist!

Oh, my God, do you think
she knows where he lives?

Yeah, I think she's been to his house.
She's his florist!

Hold on.
What's the plan here?

We're just gonna show up
at this guy's house?

Yeah! And we're coming with you!

Oh, my God. It'll be a fun night!
We have a sitter!

- I'll call Rochelle.
- Yeah!

Hey, my sister thought the every
position thing was a great idea!

You told your sister?
What is up?

TESS: Big supporter of you. Well,
I thought she'd be thrilled.

Hey,

iPad.

Yeah, yeah.
Boy, what a mess.

No. Can I have it?

Huh?

- The iPad.
- Yeah.

You came over here
to get it.

I need the iPad, please.

What if I can't
get it right now?

Just give me the iPad.

- What if I just erase the video myself?
- Dude.

Okay. You're gonna have to
give me all that music again.

- Dude!
- Oh, fine! Jeez!

Did you just pull
this out of your pants?

Yeah.

I feel like a second ago,

you said you couldn't
remember where it was.

I forgot.

Fair enough.

It's an easy mistake to make.
Okay.

TESS: So, what are we
gonna do?

ROBBY: Yeah.
What's the plan, gang?

Should we pretend
we have a flat,

and none of us
had our cell phones?

We knock. You're like, "Hank!
What a surprise!"

TESS: Yes. And then I
jump in and I say,

"Hi. I'm your
florist's sister, Tess."

Feel like this is just

a super weird way
to spend your anniversary.

For a 12th anniversary,
I think it's pretty solid.

ANNIE: You know what?

You guys stay in the car.
It's our mess.

We can go clean it up.
Right, babe?

I think we'd really like
to be part of the plan.

Let us participate.

Guys, we're gonna be
in and out up there.

We're gonna knock
on the door.

Yes, it'll be a little
awkward at first.

But I really think
it'll be fine.

Okay, so this is what
we're gonna do.

I'll distract him, you say you
have to go to the bathroom,

and then you search the house for the iPad.
Good? Okay, let's go.

Annie. Annie, can you
hold on one second?

Get up here.
That house is huge.

We'll tell him
you have diarrhea.

First of all,
that's embarrassing.

And second of all, who tells
someone that they have diarrhea?

Food poisoning.

Okay. How about I distract him
and you have the food poisoning?

Uh, no. I am not gonna
have food poisoning.

You're gonna have
food poisoning.

The person who
forgets to erase

the sex tape
has food poisoning.

It's in the book.

- Annie!
- Oh...

Well, I'll be!

Hank? Hey!

- What a surprise.
- This is so crazy.

You live here?

I'm sorry. I'm lost.
You two know each other?

This is Hank, honey. Remember
I was telling you about Hank?

Hank Rosenbaum?

Hank Rosenbaum!

This is my husband, Jay.

Jay. The famous Jay.

In the flesh. It's a
pleasure to meet you.

- Likewise.
- ANNIE: Wow!

What a crazy coincidence,
honey. Right? Wow.

We were just randomly
in the neighborhood.

We've been knocking
on doors trying to, uh,

collect money
for a charity.

What charity?

- Uh, it's for, um... Charity for...
- For kids.

Yeah, for kids
that have, um,

oversized...

- Kidneys.
- Kidneys.

JAY: They got these

enormous kidneys.

It's so sad.

You have to see it.

ANNIE: So we're just
trying to help them out.

(WITH BRITISH ACCENT)
"Hey, Dad. Da."

"What is this bulge
in me back, Da?"

"That's your kidney, son.
Get on with it."

They're, uh,
British orphans.

Yeah, so we're just out to try
to raise some money for it.

Anyhow, would you possibly
want to contribute?

Yes. Please. Come in.
I will get my checkbook.

Thanks. That's just
so generous of you.

Hey, do you think that Jay
could use your bathroom?

- Because he has diarrhea.
- Oh.

Food poisoning. He has
the shits, as they say.

Oh, sure, it's right
down the hall. Go crazy.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Oh, well, come on in and
make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you.

Wow! It's a really
lovely house.

Oh, thank you.
Put on some music.

Sure. Wow!

(HEAVY METAL BLARING)
Shit! Fuck!

What the fuck?

Would you like
something to drink?

What?

I'm sorry. Let me turn
this down so we can talk.

(MUSIC VOLUME DECREASES)

Can I get you
something to drink?

Sure.

Schlomit and the kids
are away,

so I'm just spreading
my wings.

Drinking some scotch.

Ah.

- HANK: Fifty years old.
- Yeah.

The good stuff.

Here's to our
bright future together.

Whatever it may hold.

Wow. That's a really,
uh, interesting painting.

Do you like it?

Yeah.

I had it commissioned.

It's a moment from
the movie The Lion King.

Except it's me
in place of Rafiki.

So, that's me

presenting Simba
to all of the creatures

from the Pride Lands
to behold.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

You know what?

I'm gonna put on something
a little more festive.

(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)

(PANTS)

(GROWLS)

(DOG SNARLING)

Hi.

(GROWLING)
Hey, hey, little guy.

(BARKS)

Stay.

Stay!

Sit!
(SNARLING)

HANK: You seem,

I don't know,
nervous.

It's just a little awkward
showing up at your house

and asking you
for a donation, is all.

I'm glad you're here.

I could use the company.

Wow!

I know.

(DOG SNARLING)

No, no, no!
Please! No! No!

No! Stay!

Heel!

I was hoping that
we would get a chance

to get to know
each other.

Mmm. Me, too. What a
wonderful coincidence.

There's no such
thing as coincidence.

That's what Schlomit
always says.

Oh, is this your family?

Yeah. That's all of us
at Aspen.

There's Schlo and, uh,

my son, Benyamin,
and Sarah.

They're very sweet.

(GROWLING)
(SCREAMS)

No! No!

Help!

Hank!

No! Not my face!
Not my face!

Help!

(GASPS)

I didn't wanna do that.

Fuck with me, you're
gonna get hit by a book.

That's what's gonna happen.

(DOG GROWLING)

You gotta be
fucking kidding me.

(GROWLING)
(DOOR RATTLING)

(GROWLING)

You know, it's funny.

When the family's away you find
yourself thinking about things

that you don't think
about all the time.

I bet.

You think about
who you were,

and who you've become.

Mmm.

Would you like to
do some cocaine?

I'm sorry?

I'm just doin' some blow
while the family's away.

Would you like a bump?

No, I don't think
that's really, um...

I see.

I mean, not that
I have a problem with...

I mean, I do have a...

Is this some sort...
It's a test?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, okay, I see
what's happening here.

You're thinking about all that
talk about Piper Brothers values.

But if you think
situationally,

friendship is
a Piper Brothers value.

One of the big ones.

And that's all
that's happening here.

We're just hanging around,
getting to know one other,

and doin' some rails.

Uh-huh.

But if that's
not your thing...

Well, uh...

Okay. Right.

Better make sure
that Jay's not lost.

No, no, no! He's fine.
Let's do cocaine!

Super!

(BARKING)

Oh, shit!

Are you okay?

(SNORTS)

Wow!

(LAUGHING)
Wow!

See? That's what I'm saying.
We get older and we forget.

People, they stop doing the
things that they love.

And for some people,
it could be surfing.

For some people,
it could be traveling.

For me,
it's gettin' high

and listen' to
freakin' Slayer.

That just, like,
blows my mind

that that's what
it is for you.

- But that's your point.
- That's my point.

'Cause it's so
small-minded of me

- to assume anything.
- Right?

Because I don't know you.
You don't know me.

I don't know you. Yeah.
You know the idea of me.

The CEO that controls
your future.

- But that's not me.
- No.

And it's like you, I'm sure there are
things about you that nobody knows.

Fuck yeah, there are.

- Can I show you something?
- Yeah!

Whoa.

Piper Brothers, 75 years.

But very few people
know about that.

Whoa!

And there's more.

Eazy-E!

I miss him every day.

That's so touching.
Did you know him?

Annie, it's like... It's just...
Lotta parts up in me.

(SNORTS)

Wake up!

Wake up, you fuckin'
cocksucker!

(PHONE BEEPS)

Siri, how do you perform
CPR on a dog?

(PHONE CHIMES) SIRI: I found
four places named "Starbucks."

(GROWLING)
(JAY YELLS)

(DOG BARKING FEROCIOUSLY)

What the fuck
is happening?

(GASPING)

And then you
become a mother, right?

And it becomes
about the kids.

Which is great, because you
want it to be about the kids.

But then you need
time for yourself.

That's why
I started writing.

But it's, like, writing
about Jay and the kids,

and then it becomes a job.

But I love my job.
I love my job.

But I need to work out.
I need to work out.

It's not even for me.

It's, like, for
everybody else.

Because I'll go bat-shit crazy.
Like, crazy, crazy, crazy.

I ran track.
I ran track in college.

But, you know,
it's just so hard

- to find the time.
- I know.

- To do anything, right?
- It is.

If you don't do that, then you
just sort of lose yourself.

Do you want another line?

No, I'm still enjoying the first
line quite a bit, thanks.

You are so easy to talk to.

(SQUEALS)

I feel like you get me.

Oh, God, I feel like
we get each other. Yeah.

Where's your husband?

(HANK SNICKERS)

I don't know!
Where is that fucker?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(DOORBELL CHIMES)
(GASPS)

What was that?
Was that the doorbell?

There's a lot of
action here tonight.

Yeah, there is.

Hey! Okay.

Can I help you?

Hi! I'm the mayor,
Robby Thompson.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- What's happening?

The mayor?
Oh, not of this area.

I'm mayor of
a different area.

Of Thousand Oaks.

He is the Mayor
of Thousand Oaks

and I am his First Lady
of Thousand Oaks.

- Okay.
- ROBBY: That's right.

And we are out,
just talkin' to people,

um, spreadin' the word
about Thousand Oaks.

What word?

- Uh... uh...
- Whew...

Great town.

TESS: It's a wonderful
city to raise a family.

They have
the winningest, uh,

Little League baseball
record in the country.

Nobody gives a shit
about Thousand Oaks.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

"Your Honor." Please. "Your
Honor's" my dad's name.

(LAUGHING)
"Mr. Mayor" will be just fine.

(PANTING)

Hello.

(GROWLS, BARKS)

No!

Sit!

(BARKS)

Fetch!

Fetch!
(GROWLS)

Anyway, we're out
talkin' to people

about Thousand Oaks

and we're collecting
donations

for the Big Brother
charity program.

Charity program.
Of Thousand Oaks.

Of Thousand Oaks.

What is it with
this new trend

of late-night
charitable solicitations?

I don't know.
I have no idea.

Uh, we definitely

- accept money.
- Eh...

But what we really need

are used iPads.

That's a really good idea.

It's a great idea.

- It is?
- I mean, really inspired.

Yeah. I'm sure they
could really use that.

Well, I have one.

- Oh!
- No.

(ROBBY AND TESS CHUCKLE) Yeah.
I have one right here.

(JAY GRUNTS)
(DOG YELPS)

You actually
gave me this.

I haven't had a chance
to look at it yet.

Oh, I don't need it.
Just give it to 'em.

Do you mind
if I just give...

God, no. Give it to 'em.
I don't care.

It seems like a good cause.

Thank you. Thank you.
This worked out great.

- Nice to meet you!
- Have a good night!

- Good night!
- Remember Thousand Oaks!

- Hi, I'm the mayor.
- iPad!

(DOG BARKING)

There he is!
(BARKING)

Ariel! Hakuna matata!

(WHIMPERING)

Go play.

Jay. What the hell
happened to you?

I had an epileptic fit.

In your bathroom.

But your dog saved me.

Because, in addition
to diarrhea,

I'm also an epileptic.

Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

We gotta go. It is
time for us to leave.

This is when we should
get the hell out.

Now. Just now is when
we should leave.

'Cause, you know,
this is... Yeah.

I did a little cocaine.
What?

What?

- Just one line.
- Just one line.

- One what?
- A bump.

- What?
- She did a line. So?

Honey, let's just...
Okay.

Thank you so much
for your hospitality.

You've been so amazing.

This is your cocaine straw.

No, no, no.
Please. Keep it.

Thank you.

(JAY CLEARS THROAT)

Okey-dokey.

Thank you so much
for helping

with our charity,

but Annie and I need to get
movin' on those kidneys.

Oh, I completely forgot.

I need to go get
my checkbook.

Thank you so much.

What?

"Just one line"?

- Who are you?
- What was I supposed to do?

Cocaine? That's the answer
to that question?

He offered and I didn't
wanna seem judgmental.

It was peer pressure.

I was distracting him.

With cocaine? What is this?
Fuckin' Scarface?

Are you giving me shit?

- Is that what's happening right now?
- Yeah!

- Mm-mm. No, I don't think so.
- Annie.

Annie. How is it that I get
mauled by an attack dog,

I barely escape
with my life,

you're in the living room
doing blow with your boss,

and somehow,
you're mad at me?

- What did I do?
- Oh, What did you do?

You didn't erase
the fucking video, Jay!

I told you, Annie.
I forgot.

"I forgot." "I forgot." I've
heard you say that. "I forgot!"

Okay, fine!
I didn't forget!

I made a conscious decision
to keep the tape.

And I was gonna
keep it forever!

Because I had on video

what was one of the
greatest nights of my life.

And so I wanted
to keep it.

For myself.

And for my own
personal reference use.

Yeah, you wanted it.

But I specifically didn't
want you to keep it

because I didn't want it
to get out and guess what?

It did! It did immediately.

That part was a mistake.

I wanted to save it
for myself

and then the fuckin' app...

Stop talking
about the app,

'cause this is just
typical of you.

You do whatever the hell
you wanna do all the time,

and I do everything.
I do everything.

I hold this shit down,
is what I do.

Clearly, you should not
do cocaine.

Maybe I should do
more cocaine.

Because I've never done it
before and I kinda like it.

I'm fairly certain
the answer

is not for you
to do more cocaine.

This sex tape.
This night.

This is the kind of thing

that reveals a lot
about a person.

Oh, really?

Reveals a whole lot
about a person.

You know what?
Just shut up.

I tried not to say it!

This kind of thing,
a crisis,

reveals who someone
really is deep down.

And you, you can't think
about anyone else but you.

Okay, that is... Jay does
what Jay wants to do.

You have to go
to a concert

three nights in a row.

For work?

But that's my job, Annie.
We're a team.

And part of what I do
on that team is I work.

That's what makes me
a good teammate, isn't it?

I don't just wanna
be a teammate!

Why did we stop
having sex?

What?

Annie, it's not like
we just stopped.

No, you know what I mean.

It's just, like,
why did...

When did we stop
needing to be close?

When did I become
so annoying?

I don't know!

I think the coke
is wearing off.

That's a bummer, man.
I was having a blast.

Really?

We really gotta find out
who's been sending

these fucking texts.

(CREAKING)

Are they...

(MOANING)

JAY: They're having sex
in our car.

It appears that way.

(ROBBY SIGHS)

(SNIFFLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

- Sorry, guys.
- Yeah, sorry.

I'm not even gonna
ask if you guys...

Yes, we watched the video.

You said you weren't
gonna say anything.

I know we weren't gonna say
anything, but I can't lie to Jay.

And besides, we just

skimmed it because
we didn't have time.

Oh, my God!

Annie, there is nothing
to be ashamed of.

He's right.
There's not.

At first, yes,
I thought there was.

But now, I've seen it.
And there's not.

No, it's the most natural
thing in the world.

I think this might be...

No, it definitely is

the most embarrassing
moment of my life.

Oh, no, no, no. You should
not feel embarrassed.

If anything,
you should feel proud.

Yeah, your body's insane.

- Oh, my God.
- Okay.

Truly, I admire you
for it.

I can't believe that
you let him watch it!

I'm sorry.

He wanted to watch it. I wanted
to watch it. Just a little peek.

But then, we got very
involved with it.

We got really
wrapped up in it.

Oh, my God!

Oh, great dick,
by the way.

Yeah. Thank you.

Honestly, the whole thing
was a big turn-on.

- Oh, my God. (ANNIE SCOFFS)
- We noticed. Yes.

Guys, could I have
the iPad back, please?

- Really? I mean we...
- Dude!

Okay, fine!

There you go. You're
obsessed with that thing.

(SIGHS)
Wait.

We shall never speak
of this night again.

Absolutely.

Of course.

(ANNIE SIGHS)

I need a bathroom
and an aspirin.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, of course.

- Come on in.
- Please.

(ROBBY YAWNS)

- Dad. Mom.
- Hey, pal.

Hey, sweetie.
Hi, Marta.

- Howard is study.
- I was. In my room.

Annie, Jay.

What a surprise,
you guys.

We were
just out, uh...

gettin' a drink.

Celebrate the ol'
anniversary.

Here. I'll get you
an aspirin.

ANNIE: Okay. I'm gonna
use the bathroom.

Want a shirt?

- Yeah. That'd be great. Thanks, bud.
- I'll get you a shirt.

Get outta my way!
(CHUCKLES)

(HOWARD SIGHS)

So, here we are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you receive
my text message?

What?

Yeah. You know, you really
should be more careful, Jay.

Wait, are you...

No. 'Cause
you're just too...

Is this a...

Stop babbling already, Jay.

I think we both know that
I already own your ass.

You own my ass?

What, do I have to
spell it out for you?

I have your sex tape.

You're fucked.

(CHUCKLES)

- I got news for you.
- What?

I got the iPad back.

- You got the iPad back?
- Yeah.

That's fantastic, man. Good effort.
Look at me.

Do I look like a kid
who knows how to make

a simple copy of an
MP4 or do I not?

Yeah, you do.
And look at you.

Runnin' around
trying to collect up

all your iPads
before time runs out.

Why didn't you
just remote wipe them?

You can do that?

Fuck!

Fuck me!

I almost murdered a dog.

Yeah.

But I already uploaded
your sorry-ass video

to a site called YouPorn.

Should be up by
tomorrow morning.

And sadly, the only one that
can take the video down

is the original poster
and that's me.

Okay, this is a...

I got it.
This is a joke, right?

You're joking.

You didn't put...
(CHUCKLES)

- What do you want?
- Hmm.

You want an Xbox?

- You can get me an Xbox?
- Do you want an Xbox?

- Like, the new Xbox?
- Yeah.

What do I look
like to you, Jay?

A fucking idiot? No!

I want $25,000 in cash.

$25,000?

Howard. First of all, I don't
have $25,000 just sittin' around.

And besides, what are you
gonna do with $25,000?

I'm gonna buy a horse.

Yeah, I'm gonna buy
a motherfucking horse

to keep my bitches happy-

I think it's time for me to have
a little talk with your parents.

Try. Go ahead.

I'll lie.

They're gonna
believe me. Not you.

Oh...

And don't you dare
tell Annie about this.

I'm gonna tell Annie.

Okay-

But before you do,
just think about

these three words
for me, all right?

School. Email. Blast.

(ROBBY GROANS)

Man! I need some
ice cream. Who's in?

(IMITATES A CROWD CHEERING)

(QUIETLY)
Deal with it, Jay.

You're fucked!

ANNIE: I got just so much
pressure inside me.

Good talk, pal.
Seriously.

ANNIE: Honey.

Let's go home
and keep calling

that number until
someone answers.

I just wanna know
who's sending these texts.

ROBBY: Uh-Oh.

Uh-oh. Wanna do
the thing?

Wanna do the four-flavor
thing?

- Yeah, let's do that thing.
- Yeah.

Robby, there's no easy way
for me to say this,

but your kid is trying
to blackmail me

for $25,000!

Jay, can you hear
yourself right now?

I mean, look. You've had
a stressful day, right?

Howard's just a kid.
He's not your problem.

When you wake up,
you'll realize that.

Would you just go
check his computer, huh?

Check his phone!

- For me?
- Jay.

I'm not gonna look
at his computer.

Because there's nothing
on there.

He told me
and I trust him.

This is Howard
we're talking about.

- I gotta go.
- Okay.

Get some rest, all right? I'll
see you at school tomorrow.

Oh, shit.
Right, graduation.

- I forgot.
- Oh, and, hey.

I just wanted to say one more time, man.
Great tape.

I mean, I had no idea
that Annie was so flexible.

- Robby. Robby.
- Yeah?

Maybe we should just stop
talking about this now.

Yeah, yeah! Fair enough.

- Another time. Yeah.
- Or, you know, never.

Another time.

Mom, thank you so much

for coming by
on such short notice.

Oh, of course,
honey. Of course.

Oh.
Thank you.

Annie. Is everything
all right?

Yeah, yeah. It's fine.

And you and Jay?
You're okay?

Yeah, I think so.

You sure you don't wanna
tell me what's goin' on?

Yes, I'm sure.

Maybe some other time.

Never.

There's some things that I
really wanna share with you,

and then,
there's some things.

That you should die
just never knowing.

- Okay, sounds good.
- Okay.

(CLICKS)

- What are you doing?
- Jesus Christ!

Hi. You can't keep
doing that to me.

What are you doing, Jay?

I have really good news.

Great news.

I remote wiped
the mailman's iPad.

I erased his iPad
from my computer.

- You can do that?
- Yes, you can.

We did it.

(SIGHS)
So, yeah.

In a way it would've been nice to
have that information earlier.

In another, more
important way,

it's great news
that we have

remote wiped
the mailman's iPad.

Yeah, it's good news.

What's the bad news?

What?

$25,000?

Where we gonna get...
We don't have $25,000!

- We're not giving it to Howard!
- We're not. It's insane.

(SIGHS) We're gonna let
this little freak show

just post it up
on the Internet

for the entire world to see?

People that we know?
People we don't know?

God, my gynecologist
is gonna be so.

- Disappointed in me.
- Okay.

The deli guy's gonna see
what we did with the salami!

Babe, can I say
something that's gonna

sound kinda crazy,
but just go with me?

All right? I've been
watching a bunch of

these videos online,

and you cannot
really tell

who these people are.
Mostly.

And I'm sure
that they all have

somebody that they don't
want seeing their videos,

but they make them anyway.

Like this one video I saw,

"Corn-fed Cowgirl
Gets Milked."

There is no way that she
wanted her boss seeing that

because what happened there
seemed very personal.

- Your point is?
- My point is,

if our video went up there,
God forbid,

does anybody even know
that it's us?

And if they did,

does it really matter
that much?

I mean, it might.

The coke-bender Hank
Rosenbaum might not care.

But the CEO of Piper
Brothers Hank Rosenbaum,

he might.

Honey.

(SIGHS)

Hank Rosenbaum
has an 11-inch

double-sided dildo
in his nightstand.

Is it made by
Piper Brothers?

Look, my point is,

maybe everybody has an 11-inch
dildo in their nightstand.

- That's a beautiful metaphor, honey.
- Thank you.

I thought of it just then.

Maybe we don't care
so much

about what
other people think.

I have an idea.

What? We haven't even
seen this video yet.

There's no chance
I'm watchin' it.

- You don't have to.
- I'll watch it.

And at least,
then, we'll know

what we're actually
dealing with.

(SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS)
Here we go.

(TAPS KEY ON COMPUTER)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLICKS)

We gotta get this thing
off the fucking Internet!

Why? What?

I saw it! That's us.

That's definitely us.
Very clearly.

- That camera's fuckin' amazing.
- Oh, my God!

Remember that thing
I told you about porn?

About how you see
right past the guy?

Well, I saw him
and it's me

and it's fucking horrible!

It's like the worst picture
of yourself ever.

Except you're fucking
for hours.

What about me?

You? You're a fucking
sexpot

I've told you this.
Total wank material.

And now you're gonna be
in the fucking cloud!

- Oh, my God.
- We have to do something.

We need 25 grand
to pay off Howard.

Hell no! Fuck Howard!
I have another idea.

Okay. You said it
was on YouPorn, right?

We're gonna be on it.
Jesus Christ.

I know, honey. We're not.
Relax, okay?

The Internet is not
a free-floating thing.

It's on a server
somewhere.

It's not like
it's an actual cloud.

You knew that, right?

Yeah.

Look, we find
a business address.

It's probably in
the Valley somewhere.

Most porn companies are.

We're like 20 minutes from the
porn capital of the world.

Well, then what do we do?

I don't know. I mean,

it's probably just
a few guys with computers.

We'll beg 'em

or bribe 'em or something.

That's a great idea.

What do we do
with the kids?

We can't call
my mom again.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

Up here, make a right.

I think this is it.

Hello? Open up!

Hello! Is anyone there?

This is the last time I'm gonna ask.
Is anyone home?

Hey! Hey, bud!

Hey! How's it goin', man?

We're just having
a little adventure.

What's the adventure?

It's kind of, like, what?
Like, a scavenger hunt.

You know what it is?
It's a game.

- Uh-huh.
- And it is called,

- Breaking and Entering.
- What?

(ENGINE ROARING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)

JAY: Okay, great.

Shh.

(CREAKS)

Hello?

NELL: Hello?

What are we
looking for?

That's a good question.

Yeah, we're not
exactly sure.

CLIVE: "Central Data Core."

- ANNIE: This is it.
- JAY: Let's do it.

I think I might've
underestimated

the size of YouPorn.

Yeah,
it's a bit bigger

than you would think.

(ALARM BLARING)

Jay! My God,
what have we done?

We're gonna go
to jail, Jay!

- We should get outta here.
- Yeah. We should go!

(ALARM BLARING)

May I help you?

(WHISPERING) Okay.
You guys stay here. Okay?

Okay-

May I ask what the
fuck is goin' on here?

May I ask if you're
the proprietor

of this institution?

"Institution?"
(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. I'm that
motherfucker.

And you've just made
a very serious mistake.

Where are you from, huh?
You from Hustler?

- Um...
- Huh?

No.

Which crew you runnin' with?
Xtube?

Is that it? No?
RedTube?

- Bangbros?
- No.

- BangBus?
- No.

BigBoobAlert?

- You with BigBoobAlert?
- Nope.

Where you from, then?
You tell me right now.

Wait, no, don't tell me.

- MassageCreep?
- JAY: No.

- We're not from MassageCreep.
- No, no.

KungPaoPussy?

- No.
- No.

- You from BeaverBong?
- Tugjobs?

- TrannySurprise?
- Nutflix?

- No, ma'am.
- LAMONT: RealityKings?

- NaughtyAmerica?
- Euro-Angels? AsianAngels?

- SeducedByACougar?
- FuckStarTV?

- Huh? Those cunts?
- Not us.

- SubmitYourBitch?
- No, sir.

- Wankspider?
- No.

MonkeyCum?

- Honey, what's that one that Larry runs?
- AThousandCumShots?

- MonstersOfCock?
- No.

You with LadyBonersHD?

ButtholeSandwich.com?

Sir, we are in no way affiliated
with ButtholeSandwich.

You one of them
assholes

from BigTittyCreamPie.com?

- No.
- ANNIE: No.

Not Playboy.

Did Hugh send you?

Listen, sir. If you could just
give me one minute to explain.

- I know...
- See, this is the thing.

You've put me
in a position

where my only options
are to beat your ass,

or call the goddamn cops.

Okay, sir, I see where
you're coming from...

Actually, I think we should beat
their ass and call the goddamn cops.

I was thinkin'
the same shit.

Look, if you want
to kick my ass, fine.

And if you want to
call the cops, so be it.

But there is a reason that we
did this, and it's because

sometimes people do some really crazy
shit to protect their families.

And that's what happened.

We did some crazy shit.

We're really sorry.

- We're really sorry.
- We're honestly...

ANNIE: It was for our family.

You motherfuckers.

You made a sex tape

and now you're tryin' to get
it off my server. (DOG BARKS)

Daddy, can I pet
the doggies?

No, we can't pet
these doggies.

What are your
freakin' names?

- I'm Jay.
- Annie.

- Annie and Jay?
- Yes, ma'am.

You the Annie
that writes.

"Who's Yo Mommy?"

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

- I love your blog.
- ANNIE: You do?

- I read it all the time.
- Oh, that's so great.

I mean, the way
you write about

motherhood and parenting.

Your marriage.

Oh, thank you.
How old are yours?

Oh, one's 18 months
and one's 52 months.

Aw.

Baby, it's Annie and Jay.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid
Annie and Jay

- are in deep motherfuckin' shit.
- Shh.

Baby.

(SIGHS)

All you had to do
was email me

and I would've taken
it down.

Do you have any idea
how many people

are makin' sex tapes
out there?

We get about 1,000
new ones every day.

I don't need to be
puttin' up sex tapes

from people who don't want
their sex tapes up there.

There's no shortage
of sex tapes.

Okay? You didn't have to
break my fuckin' door!

We're just incredibly
sorry, sir,

and we will pay
for all the damages.

Oh, yes, you will. Today.

And you will be
incredibly grateful

that I feel sorry
for your asses

and that my wife
likes your blog.

No, we are very,
very grateful.

Super grateful.
Thank you.

It is great of you.

Internet porn gets
a bad rap in some circles,

but it's not deserved.

I'm always tellin' people this.
YouPorn is a community.

A safe, supportive place
where people can go

to display videos of themselves
ass-fucking each other.

That's really nice.

It's wonderful.

I think so.

But let me
ask you something.

Why'd you make the video
in the first place

if you didn't want
anyone to see it?

I mean, I know
why you did it.

But what about you?

It was my idea, actually.

I just guess it was something
different, you know.

Something new.

Yeah, that's what I thought.
"Something new."

Let me tell you somethin'. I've
see a lot of fuckin' sex tapes.

It's not something
people do

when everything's
goin' great.

It's what you do
when you've lost track

of why you're fuckin'
in the first place.

It's a quick fix.

But it doesn't solve
anything.

And a lot of times it just
hides bigger problems.

Look at Paris Hilton
and Ricky Salomon.

Pamela Anderson
and Tommy Lee.

Pamela Anderson
and Bret Michaels.

Vince Neil
and Janine Lindemulder.

Janine Lindemulder and me.

All of these relationships
had bigger problems.

They all forgot
why they were fuckin'

in the first place.

Anyway,

that'll be roughly $15,000.
How would you like to pay?

JAY: I think that
went pretty well.

ANNIE: I know.
He was so nice.

Oh, my God.
What time is it?

We have to be at school
for graduation at 9:00.

We have to get ready,
you guys.

I gotta gel my hair.

Come on! Come on,
come on, come on!

(CONCERT PITCH PLAYING)

♪ I don't wanna be ♪
♪ so complicated ♪

Go, go, go!
We got this!

(ANNIE SHOUTS)

♪ Down in a new river ♪

Okay, babes.
Eat up, eat up, eat up.

Through the thing
and magically, barn!

Let's see it.

Pretty good.

Hairbrush!

♪ A simple new life ♪

Okay, let's go.

CLIVE: But I gotta
get this on.

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

Put it on in the car.
Go, go!

Whoa!

I gotta go backstage.

Go. Go graduate, pal.

- We love ya.
- CLIVE: Bye.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Mommy, I'm gonna go
find my class, okay?

Okay, honey.

All right. We'll catch ya after.

- See ya.
- NELL: Bye!

Hey, there we go.

Okay. Oh, great.
Perfect.

JAY: (WHISPERS)
Sorry.

(BOTH GROAN)

- We made it.
- Yeah.

We got 'em all back.

I mean, we may have to steal
Howard's computer later.

But how hard
can that be?

Hi.

I don't think
I'm ever gonna be able

to look at Robby
the same way again.

I'm pretty sure
the feeling is mutual,

if that helps at all.
(LAUGHS)

I love you.

I love you, too.

No. I mean it.

Like, not in the way

that we say it to
each other all the time.

I mean, I really love you.

And I'm also really
sorry about the video,

if I hadn't said that
already.

Thank you.

You hadn't.

In a way, though,
I'm also

really glad
that it happened.

'Cause I was thinkin' about

what you said at Hank's.

You said that
a thing like this,

like "the video incident,"

reveals a lot
about a person.

And you're right.

And you know what it
revealed about you?

You are generous.

You're kind.

You're imaginative.

You always remember
what's important.

You're ready for anything.

You're a bit of a lightweight
when it comes to cocaine.

But I think that
is a great quality.

I just think that
you're really amazing.

That's why I'm fuckin' you
in the first place.

Oh...

You know what this
revealed about you?

It revealed that
you would do anything

to get those iPads
back for me.

And there is no one
I would rather be with

when the shit hits the fan.

God, I lucked out.

I lucked out.

I fucking love you.

Excuse me. Public place.

- Oh, hi, Mom.
- Excuse me. Hi.

MAN: Good morning,
everyone.

Let's all settle in
and find a seat.

My name is Principal
Rodriguez and I would like

to welcome everyone

to our fourth-grade
graduation ceremony.

First up,
I'd like to introduce

our video yearbook maestro,

- Clive Hargrove.
- Yeah!

(CHEERING)

Whoo!
(WHISTLES)

This is a video I made

showing the amazing
year we had.

Taking pictures and videos
is really important.

Because it reminds us

what's really important.

WOMAN: Aw...
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

and all the amazing
times we had.

So now I present to you our
fourth-grade video yearbook.

(CROWD CHEERING)

You erased the video off
of our computer, right?

Right, Jay?

Is it Video 1
or Movie 1?

Video 1, I think.

- I love you. Call 911.
- Okay.

- JAY: It's Video 1.
- No, wait, it's Movie 1.

No! It's not Movie 1.

BOY: Wait, is it
the most recent one?

- CLIVE: Yeah,
- JAY: No! The most recent one.

- What's Frankensync?
- Hurry, honey, hurry.

(TIME OF YOUR LIFE PLAYING)

(YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCITED CHATTER, GASPING)
(ANNIE GASPS)

It's okay. It was the right thing to do.
He's fine.

Shit. Are you okay?

I'm not okay, man.

Okay. Uh, uh...

Why doesn't Tess
bring you to the hospital

and I'll just make sure
your computer's okay.

- Dude!
- That's insane.

You take him
to the hospital.

I will make sure
the computer's okay.

No, wait,
I feel like I'm being...

Careful, careful,
careful.

- Hey, guys.
- OTHERS: Hmm?

Let's just take
a minute and acknowledge

that we have a lot
to celebrate.

Your mom gettin' an offer on her blog.
(PHONE RINGS)

I'll get it. So why did
you jump off the balcony?

(STAMMERS) I told you, sweetie.
I tripped.

That's why
it's very important

to always use the railings,

and to label
your videos properly.

Can I go get some ice cream
with Howard and Marta?

Um...

- No.
- Why not?

Because it's family night.

And after this I think we
should all go get some donuts.

And maybe laser tag.

- Awesome.
- ANNIE: Are you sure?

You can barely
move over there.

She's right.

I'm sure.
(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Howard.
- Jay.

We told you,
Clive is busy tonight.

A moment, please.

So? I see what
you're up to, asshole.

I have no idea what you're
talkin' about, Howard.

With holding Clive.

Looks like I might have
some moves of my own.

Might wanna
watch your back.

Are you threatening me, Jay?

I ain't payin' you shit,
motherfucker.

Have you seen what
I'm capable of?

I jumped off
a fuckin' balcony.

You do not
want to cross me.

I don't care anymore. And that
makes me fuckin' dangerous.

Yeah, boy.

This is the last copy

of your stupid tape.
All right?

I deleted all
of the other copies.

Why should I believe you?

Doin' it for Clive.

To protect him.

Can't have this
shit out there,

so I'm makin' a sacrifice.

Plus, he's kinda
my only friend

and I really wanna
hang out with him.

I can respect
that decision.

Believe me, Jay.

This is harder to
give back to you

than you could
ever imagine.

Yeah. It's a good move,
though.

(SIGHS)

Let go of
the fuckin' thing.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I'll be by tomorrow.

I'll see ya then,
you fuckin' weirdo.

- ANNIE: That's it?
- Yep.

That's the last copy.

Okay?

(SIGHS QUIETLY)

Hmm?

Wait!

- Just this once?
- Just this once.

And we don't even have to
watch the whole thing.

- We can just skip around a little bit.
- Okay? Mm-hmm.

Hello.

Hi.

And welcome...

I'm glad that we didn't go
fucking roller skating.

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

(SHAVER BUZZING)

ANNIE: (ON VIDEO) Put your
leg between my butt cheeks.

And then you lick
my armpit.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm. That's what it says.

All right.

Armpit it is.

How is it?

It's fine.

ANNIE: I'm gonna be
so impressed.

Okay, here I go.

One, two, three.

ANNIE: Okay. Good?

- JAY: All right. Get in there.
- Should I come in?

- ANNIE: Oh, wow.
- Yeah.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, totally, come on.
- JAY: Yeah? Okay.

Yeah. Of course, honey.

Oh, my God. This is so cute.

(ANNIE GIGGLES)

(JAY SIGHS)

Thank you for doing this.
This is my dream.

Always wanted to do this.

- ANNIE: You got such a great outfit, honey.
- JAY: Thanks.

♪ Take me out ♪
♪ to the ball game ♪

♪ Take me out to the park ♪

♪ Buy me some peanuts ♪
♪ and Cracker Jacks ♪

♪ I don't care ♪
♪ if I ever get back ♪

♪ One, a-two, ♪
♪ a-three strikes you're out ♪

♪ At the old ball game ♪

(YOU CAN LEAVE
YOUR HAT ON PLAYING)

You ready?

Yeah. Totally.

ANNIE: on!
(YELLS IN PAIN)

My balls! My balls!

No, don't touch me,
don't touch me! Please!

Do it!
(GRUNTS)

Ow! Fuck!

Oh, my God! I kneed
you in the vagina!

Honey, I ran track
in college! I can do this!

On! Oh...!
Oh...!

JAY: You stuck the landing!

♪ Oh, they don't know ♪
♪ what love is... ♪

JAY: (ON VIDEO)
Yee-haw! Wow!

♪ They don't know ♪
♪ what love is... ♪

♪ But I-I-I-I-I-I... ♪

♪ I know what love is ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Let's show, show them ♪
♪ how to do it ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Do it, do it, do it, baby ♪

(UNDONE PLAYING)

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Yesterday just another day ♪

♪ Just like any other day ♪

♪ For we going ♪
♪ to change this mind ♪

♪ Keep around like we've got ♪
♪ mountains of time ♪

♪ Won't you come and sit down? ♪

♪ Yes, right here ♪
♪ on the ground ♪

♪ Tell me the story ♪
♪ of how we met ♪

♪ Not that I never ♪
♪ let you forget ♪

♪ I wanna be yours ♪
♪ I wanna be ours ♪

♪ I wanna do the stuff ♪
♪ in the back of your car ♪

♪ I wanna be good ♪
♪ I wanna be cruel ♪

♪ I wanna be the girl that ♪
♪ you wanted in high school ♪

♪ I wanna be a model ♪
♪ I wanna be clever ♪

♪ I wanna feel ♪
♪ this way forever ♪

♪ I wanna be the one ♪
♪ I wanna be the one ♪

♪ I wanna be the one that ♪
♪ makes you come undone ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ You can make me ♪
♪ feel like a girl ♪

♪ Just shout out ♪
♪ the rest of the world ♪

♪ Lay your head on my heart ♪

♪ Or you can just pull ♪
♪ my body apart ♪

♪ Yesterday, just another day ♪

♪ Just like any other day ♪

♪ I think we just ♪
♪ changed this mind ♪

♪ We've got tiles of times ♪

♪ I wanna be yours ♪
♪ I wanna be ours ♪

♪ I wanna do the stuff ♪
♪ in the back of your car ♪

♪ I wanna be good ♪
♪ I wanna be cruel ♪

♪ I wanna be the girl that ♪
♪ you wanted in high school ♪

♪ I wanna be a model ♪
♪ I wanna be clever ♪

♪ I wanna feel ♪
♪ this way forever ♪

♪ I wanna be the one ♪
♪ I wanna be the one ♪

♪ I wanna be the one ♪
♪ that makes you come undone ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ I wanna be yours ♪
♪ I wanna be ours ♪

♪ I wanna do the stuff ♪
♪ in the back of your car ♪

♪ I wanna be good ♪
♪ I wanna be cruel ♪

♪ I wanna be the girl that ♪
♪ you wanted in high school ♪

♪ I wanna be a model ♪
♪ I wanna be clever ♪

♪ I wanna feel ♪
♪ this way forever ♪

♪ I wanna be the one ♪
♪ I wanna be the one ♪

♪ I wanna be the one that ♪
♪ makes you come undone ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

(SO MUCH BETTER PLAYING)

♪ You look so much better now ♪
♪ that you have found her ♪

♪ So much better with ♪
♪ your arms around her ♪

♪ In a world ♪
♪ that's all your own ♪

♪ Never spend ♪
♪ another night alone ♪

♪ You look so much better ♪

♪ You look so much better... ♪

♪ You look so much better now ♪
♪ that you have found her ♪

♪ So much better with ♪
♪ your arms around her ♪

♪ In a world ♪
♪ that's all your own ♪

♪ Never spend another night... ♪

♪ Alone... ♪