Original subtitles

- Previously, on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"...

- I found this little horse.

I need you to come to Ohio with me and get it.

- Oh, my God.

Holy sháá.

- I don't remember what it's like to be normal.

- Hope. Have hope.

- Somebody's got to pay for the vacation.

- We're starting out on the French Riviera

and then going to Tuscany,

and then we'll end up in London

for my niece Nicky Hilton's wedding.

- I was told it'd be better if I didn't come to the wedding,

so I'm not going.

- We're going to London now. I'm going to London.

- For what? - For the wedding.

- Mo, are you going to the wedding?

- I am not going to the wedding. - I'm invited, I'm not invited,

and it's like jeez, come on.

[upbeat music]

- My lips were made for talking,

and that's just what they'll do.

- In Beverly Hills, you can be anything,

but it's most important to be yourself.

- I'm an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash.

- I may be an actress,

but that doesn't mean I'll stick to your script.

- Fake friends believe in rumors.

Real friends believe in you.

- I'm passionate about dogs,

just not crazy about bitches.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God. My hat's going.

- If your hat flew off and flew in there,

I would die laughing, just so you know.

- If it flew in there, I'd throw you in after it.

- Lisa, your dress is blowing up.

- Oh, God. Don't. I'm going. I'm not...

- No, let me get a picture of you.

- No. - Let me get a picture of you.

- No, I'm not having my ass hanging out.

- I'm gonna get a picture.

- Look how pretty those are, those rings.

- That is pretty. - I like them.

- It's fun shopping in Europe, because you feel like

you can buy things that you can't buy in the United States.

- And I never buy jewelry for myself.

I think that's his job.

I hint and set him in the right direction.

- I hint with a picture, a cut-out.

- Exactly. - I put it on his desk.

- Make him think he's very clever.

- So if someone says to me, "Oh, I love that top.

Where can I get that?" And I can say, "You can't."

- How did you know I wanted this?

- Sorry about your luck.

Oh, yes.

Now we're talking.

- Hello.

- Hi, how are you?

In London, if it's black tie,

it's supposed to be long, do you think?

- Yeah.

- Has to be long, I would imagine.

How the heck am I gonna alter something?

- No, you need to find it now.

- Obviously, I don't feel wonderful about the situation,

but regardless of any family issues that may be going on,

I'm not going to miss my niece's wedding.

- Kyle, what have you found?

You're being very quiet.

- What? Oh, no. I'm just on a mission.

I'm on a mission to find something.

- I know you are.

I wish I hadn't actually

brought the subject of Nicky's wedding up.

It must be quite hurtful

that Kathy's only invited some of the members of her family.

- It's unfortunate that the other girls are not invited.

That's really stupid. - Why are they not invited?

I don't understand that. - I don't know why.

- I really think we should really stop talking about this.

- Kyle must be torn between her sister and her niece

and her husband and her daughter.

It's not an easy place to be.

I don't think it's formal enough in here, do you?

- I know it's not, but I'm just gonna look now anyway.

- What's this?

- Is it an ideal situation? No.

Obviously, I wish that my husband

and all my daughters, we were going together as a family,

but that's not the way it worked out, you know?

- Do you want one? I'll buy you one.

- That's okay, but thank you. I don't want to do that.

- You sure? - Yeah.

- I don't have any sisters, so it's quite difficult

to understand the complicated dynamics,

but I've seen Kyle really upset by this,

and I hope they can work it out.

We can match.

- Okay, fine.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hi, how are you?

- We have appointments for a manicure and two pedicures.

- You can choose your colors over here.

- Girls, do you want to choose colors? I brought mine.

As my girls get older,

it's harder to spend quality time with them,

because they are busy.

They make plans with their friends, and they're off.

So you're going to the beach?

- Oh, yeah. I'm going to the beach.

- Your plan, and what are you doing tonight?

- And my curfew's, like, 11:10. - Weird.

- Who said your curfew was 11:10?

- Dad.

- I still think of my girls as babies.

You know, Delilah's driving. She's gone.

- I thought it was 11:40 last time.

- Uh, no. It wasn't, but you came home at 11:40.

Nothing good happens after 11:00 at night for a teenager.

- If I'm a little late, I'm not gonna rush

and, like, drive really fast, you know?

I'd rather be late than...

- I agree with that,

but, you know, when you have a curfew,

you have to meet it.

That's the deal.

All you ever have to do

is think back to how you were at 16 and 17,

and it wakes you right up.

You know what's going on.

- None of my friends have curfews.

- Well, I'm not a mother to any of your friends,

and I don't really care.

- Okay. Well, I'll be home at 11:10 tonight.

- All right.

We negotiate.

We've got negotiating that goes on all the time.

What time are you gonna be back?

- Mom, I don't know. I'm not even kidding.

I need to leave. I'm not kidding.

- Okay. Good-bye.

- It's just one big fat negotiation here

right now all day long.

I'm gonna tell you something I told Amelia.

Guess what I'm gonna do. Lisa Vanderpump.

She said it's gonna be Ken's birthday,

and you know that they have everything,

and what would you get Ken for a present, right?

So she said that he loves horses

and used to play polo all the time,

and, you know, he had to get new hips, so...

- Oh, really? - Yeah, he has two new hips.

She found the small... like, the smallest horse in the world.

- You're getting a small horse?

- Yeah, she's getting... And I'm going with her,

and I'm going to Columbus, Ohio, with her to get it.

- Can I have one? - It's a year old.

I love a good adventure,

and that, to me, is so random and so weird and so fun.

I'll think of things I'd like to do.

Lisa Vanderpump actually does them.

Oh, if we brought that home, can you imagine Dad?

He would, like, just walk out the door I think.

- Oh, it's ugly.

- What do you think?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Honey, do you think you should get Jesse up?

He's sleeping in kind of late.

- Jesse!

- Where's our son? - He's getting up.

- By the way, have you noticed how...

- Stop. I got to... I just got to finish this, honey.

- You should go in your office, then.

When I'm working more on "The Young and the Restless,"

it affects my family, definitely,

because when we're getting Jesse off to school,

I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off,

and, you know, Vince is kind of lounging on the sofa.

You know, I never found my iPad

after I punished Jesse and hid it from him.

Can you believe that? - That's a waste.

- You remember that, right?

That he was, like, not listening to me?

So I took my iPad that he was playing with, and I hid it.

- Honey, I got a little window to write this.

- I'm sorry. Just wait a second.

But you realize... I got a little coffee high.

Do you realize it could be between any of the books

anywhere in this house?

Vincent would think I'm a bit neurotic.

I've got to take everything

into consideration all the time.

Jesse?

He just has to take himself into consideration.

- Ugh. I don't think I'm gonna make it, Mom.

- Yes, you're gonna make it. You're just fine.

- I'm not gonna survive.

- Jesse's going into Malibu High School,

which is a combination

of 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th.

So it's all those grades.

Ready? You might be a little late.

It's gonna be okay. Shoes on, right?

You got your shoes on? - Uh-huh.

- He was supposed to go last year,

but we ended up homeschooling him

not in our home but in, like, a co-op.

Oh, you know what you have to do?

You got to go to the library and get your schoolbooks, okay?

And now I'm doing the nail-biting,

because it's gonna be challenging,

but you just got to learn to let 'em go and,

you know, fly a little bit.

Go to the library, and you need to get your schoolbooks.

Okay? Jesse? - Yes, Mom?

- Jesse, I need you to put the phone down for one second.

- Uh-huh.

- You got to go to the library and get your schoolbooks.

Okay, and then where are you gonna go to meet your dad?

- Um, where do I go to meet my dad?

- I don't know what it is about men and boys.

They can't hear a female voice.

Therefore, I have to repeat myself all the time,

and then I become annoying.

- Ah.

Where do I go to meet my dad? - Yes.

- Oh. Oh, that's easy.

I go t...

I was never told.

- Oy.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Is the car here?

- Out front.

Where are you going now?

- We're going to Monte Carlo, Eduardo.

- Wow, that's nice. - Oh, wow. Okay.

That's why I have so many bags.

It's early, and I don't want to disturb anybody.

I'll see Kyle and Mauricio back in Beverly Hills in a few days.

They're off to London. We're off to Monte Carlo.

- Where's my one bag? - Oh, shut up.

Two of them are his.

- Okay. - Thank you so much.

Our friend has sent a helicopter to pick us up.

I like friends like that.

- Bought this helicopter

for Philip's birthday, is that right?

- I think so, yeah. A while ago.

- When are you going to buy me a helicopter?

- Well, for your birthday, of course.

I've got one lined up next week.

- Perfect, perfect.

- It'll be landing in the garden.

Ken is going to be 70 soon.

He'll kill me the fact that I even said that,

because he doesn't want to think of himself as getting older.

But I want something gorgeous.

I want something, you know, that's gonna mark this occasion.

I want it to look just like a dream kind of lunch, you know?

- How about any entertainments?

You know, like cotton candies all over the body.

You can just suck on it.

- He's about to be 70.

He is not gonna be sucking on anything.

- [laughs]

- Ken and I had an incredible time here.

- It's so beautiful to be here with all of you.

Thank you for being here with us.

- And I think Kyle and I are in a much better position

emotionally where we have rebuilt our relationship.

I can only be a good friend and supporter.

- Coming up...

- What the hell's going on with your sister?

- I'm sure you've heard. She's in rehab.

- Well, I thought that she escaped or something.

- They used the word "fled."

♪ ♪

- Hello. Hi.

- Hi. How are you, ladies?

- Nice to see you. - How are you?

- How nice to see you.

- It's good to see you.

- Who's first?

- She is. She's the pro.

- She is. - Me?

- Well, in case you faint.

Then I can catch you.

- Yolanda. - Okay.

- Okay, you go first. She's the pro.

- Okay.

- I think that regardless if you're sick or not sick,

I really believe that it's always great

to do a vitamin C IV to boost the immune system.

You know, you call it; I've tried it all.

- Just sit back and relax.

- Ugh.

- [laughs]

What happened? Did you...

- I don't know. - Did you miss?

- I did. They're just a little less full today.

- Do you want me to drink some water?

- I've known Erika for nine years.

Her husband and my husband were friends.

She's a woman with lots of different colors.

- There's some water over here.

Do you want me to get you some?

I'll grab it.

I'm drinking it too,

'cause I'm not gonna get stuck more than once.

I promise you this is not happening to me.

- I've seen the mother part of Erika

with no makeup and a ponytail.

- How are you feeling? - I'm fine.

I'm trying not to pass out.

I'm fine.

- I've seen the wife of a very famous lawyer

with the bun in her hair.

- Good friend.

That's what that is. - I'm telling you.

I'm here to support my friend Yolanda, and that's it.

She said IVs. I said sure.

- She owns every part of her personality.

She said, "Well, what do you do every day?"

I say, "Well, I go and see Dr. Sara,

and I go to colonics.

If you have to choose between those two...

- Yeah. I think I'm the better option.

- Most definitely better than a colonic.

The first time I ever saw Yolanda,

she was rocking a side ponytail and pumps,

and I thought, "You know what? This bitch is fierce.

Way fierce."

- Can we have Erika go and give you a minute?

- Yep.

- Did you get it? - Nope.

I think we do you first. - Okay, here we go.

I'm 44 years old.

- You gonna be okay? - Yeah, I'll be fine.

But I look great.

I have all the access to the best.

What, am I gonna look like a hag?

I mean, you know, of course I look good.

Okay. Here we go.

- Wow, those are nice veins.

- Good. Okay.

So let's see.

So you just sit...

- [groans]

I'm sorry,

but this is, like, an emotional thing for me.

- You're okay.

- Having an IV is painful.

Having breast implants is painful,

but at least when you have breast implants,

you wake up with something good.

- You're gonna be okay. - I know. I know.

- You're okay. - I am. I'm a tough girl.

I swear to God. I promise.

The next time I get stuck with a needle for Yolanda,

it better be Botox.

- Are you sweating?

- Am I sweating? I'm crying!

I'm okay.

I'm a drama queen.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hi, how's it going? - Good.

- Table for? - I'm meeting Lisa Rinna.

Hi.

No. [laughter]

- Oh my God! Yes! That's hilarious.

This kind of faux pas

doesn't normally happen in Beverly Hills.

People don't normally show up in similar outfits or leopard,

and now it's happened twice to me.

Hello.

- I thought I just saw you. - I know.

- How is it going?

- Turn around. Oh, I love.

You look so hot. - Thank you. As do you.

- Oh, my God.

Thank God I had my little leather jacket over it.

Otherwise it would've just been too much animal.

[upbeat music]

- Hi. - Hi there.

- Hi!

- How are you? Why didn't you wear leopard?

- Hi. I love your skirt. - Are you kidding me?

- I know. Can you fáááing believe it?

I mean, come on.

- Same animal and everything. - I know.

I said, "I'll wear it one time," and here I wear it.

She wears it. - You never wear leopard.

- I really don't, not that often.

- Get you anything started to drink?

- Yes, I'll have a Pinot Grigio, I think.

- Pinot Grigio?

- I will have a Chardonnay. - Chardonnay?

- You just got back from Europe, right?

- I did. I just got back.

- Wow. - We were gone for two weeks.

It was so beautiful.

It was so nice, but I was so happy to be home.

Italy was great,

and Nicky's wedding was absolutely magical.

Farrah looked beautiful,

and Portia looked like a little princess.

- How's everything so far, ladies?

- Good, thank you. - Great, thank you.

- Of course I wish that Alexia and Mauricio

and Sophia could've been there,

but either way, I am happy that I was there

to witness this very special day.

- Kyle, I have to ask you.

What the hell's going on with your sister?

- I'm sure you've heard. She's in rehab.

She's went and got the help that she needs.

I mean, I don't know what her story is right now.

I really don't. I have no idea.

- Kyle's sister, she's an addict.

- Don't... - Okay.

- Fáááing feel sorry for me, bitch.

- Okay, I won't.

- You don't know what I go through at night.

- This girl does not have the tools to live in this society.

- Oh, I thought that she escaped or something.

- Well, I don't know about escape, but...

- They used the word "fled."

Last I heard, Kim fled rehab in the middle of the night.

She went to her daughter's wedding

and then somehow got drunk.

She kicked a police officer.

When is somebody gonna say, "Enough is enough"?

She's dangerous, if you ask me.

Flat out dangerous.

- It wasn't court ordered?

I thought she had a specific amount of time.

- No, that's a different thing. - I don't think so.

- I think that she...

In that court order, she has to go to AA meetings.

- I feel guilty talking about my sister

because of where Kim and Lisa Rinna left off.

- I was really pissed off, and you need to know that.

- Okay, then we're good.

Being pissed off doesn't give you the right

to hurt people, Lisa, or threaten them.

- Somebody's gonna hold you accountable

sooner or later, Kim Richards, I promise you,

and I hope it's yourself.

- I feel like I'm almost betraying my sister, in a way,

by even engaging in this conversation with her.

So what else, girls?

- We go see Yolanda,

and we haven't seen her in a few weeks.

Honestly, when we went and saw her,

I was looking out the window

away from her, and she came in the room,

and she said, "Hi," and I turned around,

and I just went... [gasps]

She looked so ill.

I mean, it was like... she was doing pretty well last year.

- Imagine, though, you're at a point where you'll do anything.

You'll take anything off your body out of you.

You'll go see any doctor.

- I think that if Yolanda's doing all these treatments

for Lyme disease and nothing's working,

she has to be open-minded to what else it could be.

- All the diets she's tried...

The no gluten, no dairy, all that.

- But she's not seeing any improvement.

What is all this for, then?

- I think at this point, I would be seriously depressed.

- I think that's why it's a super scary illness, 'cause

it doesn't seem to be rhyme or reason to it.

I don't blame her. I'd be doing the same thing.

But I don't really understand any of it, quite frankly.

My concern is that she's gotten a lot worse.

- Even though she was diagnosed with Lyme disease,

it could be something else too, because when my mom died,

I had so many symptoms.

I can't tell you.

I didn't know what I had,

and I felt like I was crazy.

- Did you think it was psycho?

- For me? - Stress?

- I think it was depression.

Whatever it is, she's suffering. - For sure.

- She's suffering.

- Coming up... - Aw.

- My God. - Oh, look at that.

That is a pony with a tutu.

Pony with a ballerina dress! - Oh, my God!

♪ ♪

- I've got my 4:45 face on.

- Well, your 4:45 face is better than my 9:45 face.

- You look great. - Thanks.

- Does Harry think we're [indistinct]?

Did you tell him?

- Yeah, I did. - Oh, my God.

- I had to.

- What'd you say?

- I said, "Well, we're going to Ohio to pick up

the smallest horse in the world."

- I'm throwing Ken a really lovely birthday lunch,

but this little tiny miniature horse

will be the piece de resistance for his birthday present.

I'm a useless liar, so I said that we're going to...

- No, you're not. You're a good liar.

- No, I'm not. I said we're going to Ojai.

- You did? - I didn't say Ohi-oh.

I just said Ojai, and we got to be there at sunrise,

you know, for our kind of Zen retreat, you know, spa.

Tomay-to, tomah-to.

Ojai spa, Ohio stable.

I mean, it's mere semantics.

So it's gonna take, like, four hours to get there.

We're going in a friend's plane.

It's not that big a plane

but just enough to get, you know, an 80-pound animal in,

and that would be you.

[laughter]

- Hey, Mossy. This is my friend Lisa.

- Hi, Lisa. I'm Mossy. - Hi.

I've already committed, but I have anxiety,

because I don't know what to do with it.

Specifically on the plane, where does it go?

Where do we put it?

It's gonna get antsy.

I get antsy on the plane.

- The most important thing is that she's happy.

I want her to be happy, because it must be, like,

weird for her to leave her farm

and get in a jet and go to Beverly Hills.

- What, you think?

You think it'll be a little bit weird

for her to leave her farm

and get on a jet to go to Beverly Hills?

- I know, but we're gonna love her.

- Poor thing.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Yahoo!

Here we are.

- Yeehaw!

- I don't know if we're in yeehaw country.

- Hello, ladies. Welcome to Columbus.

- It's nice to see you.

- Hi. How are we gonna get a pony in there?

- Just get in. I don't know.

- We're gonna figure out how to get a pony in there.

- You're gonna help us? - Yes, we will.

- I mean, what the fááá?

- Oh, my God. Here we go.

- We'll make it work. - All right. High five.

Do you think it looks like we're taking the piss

in these cowboy hats?

- Yes.

- I mean, we're not in cowboy country.

- We look fáááing ridiculous.

[thunder crashes]

[gasps] It's pouring. Now what?

- Oh, my God.

This is not a good situation.

- Now what? Look at it.

I mean, it is pouring.

- I haven't told Ken where we are, even.

We are halfway across the country,

and suddenly there's this bloody storm.

I'm just wondering if we're even gonna be able to leave tonight.

Oh, my God. I mean, it's bucketing down.

Are you expecting a hurricane?

- [laughs] A tornado, maybe.

- What?

- We get tornadoes. - What?

- Yeah. both: Tornadoes?

- Tornadoes?

- [screams] Roll it up!

Is this a sign?

Is God trying to tell us something here?

Because this is really intense.

[thunder crashes] both: Oh!

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Mr. Girardi, I made you coffee.

- Oh, cool.

- Can I get some? - Yeah.

Here you go, babe. - Nothing to it, huh?

- Can we take a quick walk outside?

Going from nothing to everything is pretty amazing.

I love these hedge ranges.

My grandmother loved these things.

Called them mop heads down South.

I was broke, and I was a cocktail waitress,

and Mr. Girardi was my customer for a year.

This tree is, like 100, probably well over 100 years old.

I don't know what we're gonna do with that.

- It looks good. - No, it's dead, babe.

It's legit dead.

One day, I gave him my phone number,

and I said, "Why don't you give me a call?

Did you hear I was single?"

And he said, "No."

And we have never been apart.

We've been married 15 1/2 years.

See here? - Mm-hmm.

- The tiling here has chipped off on the seat.

- Right.

- We should redo it...

with your permission.

And then... - Oh, yeah.

- Being broke sucks,

and being rich is a lot better,

but at the end of the day, you still are the same person.

If you were an assáááá poor,

you're gonna be a fáááing rich assáááá,

and if you're a sweetheart poor,

you're just gonna be more of a rich sweetheart.

T? - Yes, hon?

- Are you ready? - I hope so.

- Let me see. Oh, you clean up good.

I got you looking just right.

- Got to make sure the jury likes me today.

- Every day.

My husband is the nation's leading plaintiffs attorney.

You probably know him from the Erin Brockovich case.

Tom's biggest verdict is over a billion bucks.

[cash register dings]

- We're all set. - Yeah, you look good.

- Cool.

- Yeah, you look nice.

Yeah, I've been called a gold digger,

but I knew that was coming.

I mean, it wasn't like I was so shocked.

I knew there was a huge age difference between us.

It's not like I'm some dum-dum.

After you. - Okay.

- I don't have anything to say to anyone who doubts my marriage

or continues to doubt my marriage

or has doubted my marriage.

I mean, what the fááá's going on in their marriage?

How about that?

I love you, baby. Bye.

- Love you. - I'll see you later.

- Look. It's clearing, ladies.

- Look how different the weather is.

The weather has changed dramatically.

We are now in another country.

- Aw.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, look at that.

That is a pony with a tutu.

It's a pony with a ballerina dress!

- Oh, my God!

- This is Rosebud.

- Oh, hello!

Oh, you're so small.

Hello. - Hi.

Nice to meet you. - Oh, let me look at you.

Oh, she's tiny. - Hi, I'm Lisa.

- Let me look at you.

- This is the famous Rosebud.

- Oh, my gosh.

- She's so sweet. I want to have her.

I want her to join our home.

And I think Ken's gonna love her.

Aren't you cute?

- My kids are not even gonna believe this.

- You kiss? That's it.

That's our first kiss.

Lordy, let me look at you.

- Oh, I got it.

I got one!

Look what I got!

- You want to get on my lap?

Let's take this off your shoulders.

Should we take this off you? - Look at it.

- Don't you think she's so cute? - Yeah, I do.

- She's smaller than I thought, even.

- Much smaller than I thought, and she's fatter than I thought.

Is that... is that rude?

That horse has got a potbelly.

Like, a big one.

- I don't think you should comment on her weight.

She's kind of... She might hear you.

- It's really fat.

- What about that potbellied pig?

Would they get on together?

- I don't know if they could ride in the crate together.

- Let's go. Come on. Let's go. - I better not.

I'm getting carried away. - Look at Lisa.

- Lisa. No, no, look.

She's picking up her foot, see? - Come on.

Okay, let's go this way. This will hurt your feet.

Let's go this way. - I don't think she likes it.

See what I mean?

Is she okay? - Yes.

- See that? Is it the shoe?

- I think it's the shoe. - Can you... will you put it on?

- Yeah, we can take...

- I'm starting to see that she looks lame,

and I'm thinking, "Is it the gravel?

Is it her shoes? What is it?"

I'm not looking for perfection here,

but I'm worried about, you know,

is this gonna be something that's giving her a problem?

- No, it shouldn't cause her any problems,

'cause if it was gonna cause any problems,

we would see it by now.

- [exhales deeply]

There's something wrong with this horse.

- Coming up... - Okay.

- All right, all right, all right.

- We're gonna have to do something here

so this doesn't look so, like, pubic hair.

No, look.

She's picking up her foot, see? - Come on.

Okay, let's go this way. This will hurt your feet.

Let's go this way. - I don't think she likes it.

I need to really have a good look at her,

because I don't want to start off with a problem.

- No, it shouldn't cause her any problems,

'cause if it was gonna cause any problems,

we would see it by now.

- Horses are complicated enough.

- The smaller they are, they tend to have a little bit more

just because of the way that they're built.

- But why didn't you say that?

That's just where I'm a little concerned.

- Right.

- My gut says don't do it,

but I have to let Lisa make her own...

It's not my decision.

- She's always been fine.

I mean, if you guys weren't in a rush to leave,

we could certainly have a vet out here,

and we could do an X-ray.

- Give me a sign.

Give me a sign. Want to come with me?

- [indistinct] - Sure.

- I mean, it has to be entirely up to you.

I don't know. I have no...

- But she'll have a good home.

- She would have a good home with you, absolutely.

It's got to be your choice.

What does your gut say? - Take her.

- Really? Then take her.

- Now I don't know what to do, because I've come all this way,

and my friend has brought me in his jet and Lisa,

but I don't know if I'm actually capable of taking care

of a horse with a problematic leg.

But to give Ken a little horse

with a host of problems already...

Let's say she has to be put down.

- "Do we take it? I love it.

"I want to take it. No, it's better here.

"No, I love it. I want it.

"I just love it. I have to take it for what it is.

No matter what, I will love it."

I just see disaster written all over it.

- Hello? - Hey, listen.

Don't say anything for a second, okay?

Just listen. You're gonna think I'm around the bend.

I'm not at a spa with Lisa.

I've come all the way to Ohio because I saw this little pony

called Rosebud that I was gonna buy you.

I was gonna bring it back tonight, but now I'm here,

I notice that she looks like she's lame in her right leg,

but I love her,

and I-I want her.

What do you think?

Am I an idiot?

Do you want it?

- I don't know.

I would just want to know what's wrong with her.

- Well, she's got a right leg that's turning over,

but did you want a little horse?

If I got you this little horse anyway,

would you have wanted it

if I brought it to you tomorrow?

- I can't do that.

You've got to take their advice.

- I wouldn't have flown all the way across the country

to get the smallest horse in the world

that's turned out to have one dodgy leg.

- Lisa usually knows exactly what she wants.

She loves Giggy for who Giggy is, hair or no hair.

So I'm trying to be empathetic to what she's feeling,

because I know she's fallen for this horse.

- I mean, it's got to be your decision, really.

- I'm gonna call you back.

I think this is a nightmare.

I think the whole thing. - Really?

I think you're right.

And I'm ready for a cocktail.

I don't think I can stand here any longer, okay? I'm done.

- Me too. - Right?

I love this. I love this horse. - Okay.

I'm gonna take a picture of her.

I'm gonna go home, and if Ken says, "I still want her"

and the vet looks her over and we speak,

and then you say you'll send her...

- We had such a plan. It was so exciting.

It was gonna be so fun.

But we are literally there for five hours.

I'm done. Get in that car.

Get in the car right now. Get in that car.

Get your stuff, and get in that car right now.

Come on, let's go. - But I love her dearly.

- I know, so if it works out, she'll be driven to you.

- Get me a glass of wine. - God. I mean, seriously.

We're drinking home... On the way home.

We're drinking.

- I spent three weeks talking to this woman.

- You usually get what you want.

You didn't get what you want.

It's gonna be hard for you.

[laughter]

- Oh, you're back. How was the spa day? Good?

- Oh, we're so relaxed.

- Ken, look at me. I'm covered in horse sháá.

Are you disappointed?

- Well, in a way, yes,

but in a way, no.

- I'm gonna let you guys have a moment.

I'm gonna go home. - Oh, darling.

- You have the moment, and everything will be fine.

We did the right thing.

- So did you have fun, though?

- Yeah, we had a laugh.

- Bye, darling. - Thank you, my dear.

- Thank you.

Thank you for being a really good friend.

And I do owe you one.

- I would do it again but not right now.

- Okay. - See you tomorrow.

- Bye. - Bye. Bye-bye.

- Would you have wanted this little horse?

- If you brought it home, yes.

Where are you going now?

- I'm going to bed.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- You look hot. - Thank you, baby.

- Come on in.

Before we start sweating and all of that,

let's come on over to your little fashion corner.

- Let's do it. - All right.

- By day, I'm Erika Girardi, married to Tom Girardi,

uber famous lawyer.

But by night, I'm something else.

- They're all crystaled and ready to go.

This one, we made some changes to after we talked last time,

got rid of some of the mesh in here.

- Added to the bust.

- Added some more stones into the bust.

- I have an alter ego.

Her name is Erika Jayne.

♪ All I had was ♪

♪ Like a painkiller ♪

She's sassy.

She's class and ass and heels

and all woman all the time, curvy.

She's over-the-top fabulous.

Okay.

- All right, all right, all right.

- Not finished.

I've had eight number one hits

on the Billboard Dance Club charts, soon to be nine.

I've performed all around the world...

All over Asia, Europe, the Middle East,

every major city in the United States.

We're gonna have to do something here so this doesn't look so,

like, pubic hair.

But I have a lot more dance floors to conquer.

- Pat the puss. Pat the puss.

Pat the puss. Drop it down. Bounce.

- Erika Jayne is a total rebel.

Up in here.

We get it up in here.

If I don't honor it with my inner bad girl,

I'm not gonna be happy.

Hey!

- Whoo!

- Good rehearsal.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Let's put rosé on the table, yeah?

- Okay.

- And then who's gonna be outside with the hats?

- Anya and I. - Can we hurry up with this?

I don't want to see any earth.

Get rid of everything. - Okay, just fine.

- Yankee, do not poo on my bridge, okay?

Why is there an umbrella here? It's not gonna rain.

After yesterday, I couldn't have any more bad luck.

The whole little horse situation was such a fiasco,

so now I just want to concentrate on making Ken

just a beautiful birthday lunch.

- Just deep breathe. Come on.

Take a deep breathe. You will be fine.

- You mean deep breath, not deep breathe.

- Yeah, breathe, not breath. - Take a deep breath.

- Deep breath. Okay, got it. [laughs]

- So obviously I'm gonna be on the throne.

- No, Ken. It's for Ken's birthday.

- Oh, don't be so stupid. Why would we do that?

- Why not? - I want to be on the throne.

Ken can sit somewhere down here. - Come on.

- Of course it's my throne.

I mean, it's Ken's birthday,

but, you know, the queen has to sit on the throne.

Happy birthday, darling.

Hi there.

- Coming up...

- You're 70,

but I guarantee you will be seeing a 69 very soon.

- Who from? [laughter]

♪ ♪

- Lisa. You look fabulous, darling.

Are you wearing a bra?

I see your tits.

- For God's sake.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hi, guys. - Happy birthday.

- Birthday boy. - You have to pick one.

What do you like? - Oh.

Only Lisa Vanderpump would have a hat tree.

I think it's amazing.

- Eileen. Hi there. - Hi, Ken. Happy birthday.

- How are you? Happy birthday. Nice to see you.

- That looks great on you. Get over here.

- Wow, you look gorgeous. - Beautiful.

- All right. - Ready?

- I was so looking forward to playing with the pony.

- I know.

Basically, we flew kind of thousands of miles

for a three-legged pony.

- [laughs]

- Look what's arrived.

There's a certain amount of trouble

just about to enter the room.

Well, hello. - Hi.

- Welcome to back to La-La.

How are you? - Back to reality. I'm fine.

This is so fun. I love the hats.

- I know, right?

Eileen, you don't know John and Taylor.

- No, I don't. How are you? - This is Eileen.

- Uh-oh. Battle of the hats.

- Nice to see you. - And this is John.

Pandora, you know. Are you moving back?

- We are. We're moving back.

- You are? Where do you live now?

- Actually, there's a house for sale on your street.

- No, I don't want Taylor on the stroll

as my next door neighbor.

- Just down the road.

- I think I'm gonna put in an offer on it right now.

Beverly Hills is fine.

Los Angeles is better.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- There she is, my partner in crime.

Look at you, you gorgeous thing.

Oh, my God. Where did you get that?

[laughter]

- I know. Hi. - How are you?

- Oh, this is Taylor. John, Lisa.

- Hello, Taylor.

- How are you?

- Oh, Lisa, we've met each other, but again...

- I'm just glad to see there's somebody

with a bigger mouth than me in the room now.

It's awesome. - Honey...

- Thanks for taking the pressure off.

- She's got a bigger mouth than I do.

[indistinct conversation]

- Happy birthday. Mwah.

- Yeah, thank you for yesterday. - And I have a little...

I have a little something for you.

- Oh, you got it!

- Great. Great job, Rinna.

- Is this gonna go with my red lips?

- Oh, it looks perfect.

Oh, my God. You look stunning, my love.

- Oh, wow.

- Hello, how are you? - How are you? Oh, my God.

These hats are too big. - Hi.

- You look really pretty. - Oh, thank you.

- And so do you. - Thank you.

- Is this... is this bad, though?

Do we have it? 'Cause it was either this or nipples.

And I opted for this.

- What's that? - These little cup things.

Oh. - Very aggressive.

- Well, I'm au naturel. - Very aggressive.

Well, I could do that, but... get away.

- Where do we get them? - Anywhere.

- Let me try. - Okay, I'm being assaulted.

Where's my husband? - Walk away from her.

- Hi.

- Oh, my God. - Look who it is.

I miss you.

- I miss you too. - So good to see you.

- I can't even get close to you

with all this hat situation thing.

You look gorgeous, by the way. - So do you.

- When I saw the picture,

it did look a bit like a donkey, to be honest.

I mean, if you want to get a mini-horse,

you get a mini-horse.

This was a pregnant donkey.

- But she had a tutu on it when we got there.

- Yeah, to cover the... That was a maternity tutu.

- Exactly. She did...

- I'm not talking about this anymore.

I'm not talking about this anymore.

It was a disaster.

So do you think we should sit down?

Come on, darling. Come and sit down.

- Why do I feel like a storm is brewing?

It's so typical in this crew. [laughs]

- Camille, darling. You're here.

- It's raining. - Oh, my God!

- Oh, no!

- Has your luck changed, Lisa?

Lisa is really having to deal with a lot.

First she didn't get the pony that she wanted,

and now she called for sunshine,

and it's thunder and lightning.

- Who cares? It's fun. Let's sit down.

- Hello? Did you not get the memo up there?

Lisa Vanderpump gets what she wants.

[thunder rumbles]

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Cheers to all of you.

Happy birthday, Ken. All: Happy birthday!

[upbeat music]

- I love caviar. - I know. Me too.

I love it.

- Okay, does this look ridiculous?

Should I take mine off? - No, why?

Don't you think it's fun?

- It's clashing with my lipstick.

- What's going on with Yolanda?

- I am so, like, confused.

It seems strange to me

that she's like, happy selfie, sick selfie,

happy selfie, sick selfie.

And also, like, I'm trying to follow her on Instagram,

but, like, I don't like seeing the whole needle

in the arm thing all the time.

It's a little much. - I wonder.

There must be a need for her for why she needs to do that.

- Well, I don't get that. - I don't know.

But there's a reason.

I think she's trying to get the word out.

- It seems like there's a lot of back and forth,

and I don't understand.

Normally, people just do some antibiotics.

They move on. But this, to me...

I smell a misdiagnosis. - Well, that could be.

You know, she's gonna... I probably... she should tell you,

but she's gonna check out some other things.

I think that Taylor is definitely overstepping.

Why is she being so vocal about this to me?

It makes me uncomfortable.

- Like, she needs...

I know that she has the best doctors money can buy,

but I just am like,

"This is just too many other things."

I just...

- Taylor's got a big mouth,

and she gets stuck right in the middle of things,

so sometimes I have to tell her to shut up.

I'm gonna make a toast. I'm gonna make a toast.

I love you.

- You cheering to me or Giggy? - No, Giggy.

I'll get to you later, darling.

I just love you.

I've spent half your life with you,

and you always continue to inspire me.

You are my love, my life,

and I-I could not be more in love with you now.

You are 70 in the next two days,

but I guarantee you you will be seeing a 69 very soon.

[laughter] - Whoo!

- Can I just say, who from?

[laughter]

- Take your pick.

- Coming up...

[all screaming]

- Let's go in. - Ken, is this yours?

[laughter]

- Oh, my God. It feels so good.

Feels so good. - Oh, my God.

- Okay, I'm coming through here.

- It'll be fine. Just unbelievable.

- Sit, darling. Sit.

We're like hackling hens at a tea party.

You actually look quite angelic in those hats.

- You're all so pretty. You all look very beautiful.

- They all look so innocent.

- I'm a little bored; I'm not gonna lie.

- I'm gonna go feel the pool.

- I mean, I don't need somebody,

like, naked dancing on the table,

but I need a little spark of something to grab my attention.

- It feels so nice.

- Do you want to go... - It actually feels heated.

- Swimming in the rain? - This is fabulous.

- In the rain. - Doesn't it feel so good?

- It's so good. - In the rain.

- There's a cliff. Don't get close.

- No, I'm not. I would never push.

That's Lisa Vanderpump that would push. Look at her.

The horns are coming out.

I see horns.

- Oh, my God.

- I'm taking off [indistinct].

- Okay, girls.

[all screaming]

- Happy birthday, Ken!

- What was going on?

It was an elegant English garden party.

Suddenly, it's, like, turned into wet and wild.

[all screaming]

- Oh, my God, Ken!

- He just had hip replacement surgery.

You don't do that.

- Ken's having fun.

[all talking]

- I'm concerned but primarily because of his shoes.

I saw that his shoes looked like

they were really, really expensive.

- Don't worry. I'm fine.

[laughter]

Make sure my hair's okay.

- Happy birthday, Ken.

- What's she doing? What are you doing?

- There Ken is, floating in the pool,

surrounded by a gaggle of gorgeous women.

I don't think he'll be forgetting his 70th birthday

anytime soon.

[laughter]

- Next time on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"...

- I feel like that fat cat

in that YouTube video that can't get through the door.

Every woman has a little bit of Erika Jayne inside of her.

She's just dying to get out.

- I wanted to get Ken something

that will take his breath away.

- I'm like...

- You're speechless.

- I can't look at the clock and go, "Okay, it's almost 9:00.

Now I can get mad at him." I mean, I can't do that.

- No, because you're an idiot.

- If I just do my pills for ten days,

you don't think that's enough?

If somebody tells me to swallow bark, I will do it.

- "True Munchausen syndrome

"wherein those affected feign disease, illness,

"or psychological trauma to draw attention, sympathy,

or reassurance to themselves."

Is this real?

- To learn more about the Housewives, go to bravotv.com.