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1
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,280
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
2
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,248
(WINDING MUSIC BOX)
3
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:02,851
(ALL OUT OF LOVE PLAYING)
4
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,373
(SNIFFING)
5
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,092
(BOTTLES CLATTERING)
6
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,049
DEADPOOL: Fuck Wolverine.
7
00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:19,762
First, he rides my coattails
with the R rating.
8
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:23,929
Then the hairy motherfucker
ups the ante by dying.
9
00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:26,060
What a dick.
10
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,349
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
11
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,726
I'm dying in this one, too.
12
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,271
(X GOIN' GIVE IT TO YA PLAYING)
13
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,736
DEADPOOL: To understand
why I took a cat-nap
14
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,905
on 1, 200 gallons
of high-test fuel...
15
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,278
I need to take you back
16
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,701
to the dewy slopes
of six weeks ago.
17
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,069
I'd gone international,
18
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,121
taking out mass murderers,
gangsters,
19
00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:47,573
unspeakable monsters.
20
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:50,667
People nobody would touch.
Except me.
21
00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,832
I'm gonna touch them all over.
22
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,505
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
23
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,417
DEADPOOL:
Hey, it's Gail calling.
24
00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,593
Love the shiny suit.
25
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,670
Really brings out
26
00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:02,300
- the sex trafficker in your eyes.
- (SPEAKING CANTONESE)
27
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,553
Whatever they're paying,
I'll double it.
28
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:07,764
(IN ENGLISH) I don't
speak Cantonese, Mister...
29
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,812
Well, I'm not even gonna
attempt that.
30
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,516
- The sex trafficker in your eyes.
- (SPEAKING CANTONESE)
31
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:15,689
Where is the library?
32
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,812
Which literally translates to...
33
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,232
I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.
34
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:22,737
(CELL PHONE CLATTERS)
35
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,450
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
36
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,036
(GUNS COCKING)
37
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:34,128
Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's.
38
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,420
I am so sorry.
39
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,089
I thought this was
an anal-bleaching party.
40
00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,165
(GUNS FIRING)
41
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,295
(GRUNTING)
42
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,797
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
43
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,052
(GASPS)
44
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:47,383
(SHUSHING)
45
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,976
(MEN LAUGHING)
46
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,154
Don't worry.
You're not going to die.
47
00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:03,653
Although these will kill you.
48
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,734
Hit it, Dolly.
49
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:06,526
(9 TO 5 PLAYING)
50
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,245
(BOTH GRUNTING)
51
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,411
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
52
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,630
I'm merely
a vessel for the Lord.
53
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:34,183
(MEN GROANING)
54
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:40,486
Taking the hands out
of the guns of the criminals!
55
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,533
Whoo! Do not go in there!
56
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,337
Let's see
Captain America do that.
57
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,007
(MEN CHEERING)
58
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,386
(CROWD CHEERING)
59
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,798
Too exotic?
60
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:31,782
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
61
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,496
I don't bargain.
62
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,119
(ALL GRUNTING)
63
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:34,888
Oh, God! Oh, God,
time out! Time out!
64
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:38,471
Cut. I've got bad guy blood,
right in my open eye.
65
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,306
Oh, that's so gross.
66
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:41,599
(GROANING)
67
00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:42,728
Fuck.
68
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,736
Looks like you left
a little landing strip there.
69
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:46,857
I like it.
70
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,611
Oh, man!
71
00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,870
DEADPOOL: My world tour
brought me home
72
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,293
to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.
73
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:03,920
But we'll get to him
in a moment.
74
00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,338
'Cause I know
what you're thinking.
75
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,213
"I'm so glad
I left the kiddos at home."
76
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,543
But that's where you'd be wrong.
77
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,676
That babysitter of yours
is high as fuck right now...
78
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:17,051
and, believe it or not,
Deadpool 2 is a family film.
79
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,180
True story.
80
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:22,139
And every good family film
starts with a vicious murder.
81
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:25,271
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
82
00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:28,605
(CHUCKLING) Holy shit pickles!
That guy's on fire.
83
00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:31,565
That's not CGI, folks.
He's actually on fire.
84
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,994
Yeah. You know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?
85
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,161
But this guy?
86
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,329
He was one of the worst of 'em.
87
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,492
Hurry up and open
this fucking door,
88
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:43,668
and let's kill
this motherfucker!
89
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:44,790
(ALARM RINGING)
(GUNSHOT)
90
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,038
(BODY THUDS)
91
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,420
Ugh. So gross.
92
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,256
A panic room? Really?
93
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,929
Can you come out?
(WATCH BEEPING)
94
00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:01,102
I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.
95
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,482
(GUNS COCKING)
96
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,314
MAN: (ON RADIO) Over and over,
I hear people say,
97
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:09,861
"I just don't have
enough confidence."
98
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:12,110
Listen, confidence is not
something you have.
99
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,440
It's something you create.
(LAUGHS)
100
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,526
And you can create it
at any moment in time.
101
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,323
A sense of confidence is nothing
102
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,700
but a sense of power
within yourself...
103
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,656
a sense of certainty that
you can pull something off.
104
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,787
DEADPOOL: Start the fucking car!
105
00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:23,958
Dopinder!
106
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:25,581
Start the fucking car!
107
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,162
(SCREAMS)
108
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,592
MAN: Shoot that motherfucker!
Shoot him!
109
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:34,294
Whoo!
Oh, I shit my pants.
110
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,721
Actually, that may have been me.
111
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,014
Oh, mission accomplished?
112
00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,183
Oh, in a George W. sort of way.
113
00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,931
Fucker can't stay
in a panic room forever.
114
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,433
DOPINDER: Oh, you're living
the dreams, DP.
115
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,639
It has been
quite the run, Dopinder,
116
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:46,940
and who'da thought?
117
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,064
Now I'm talked about
in the same sentence as Jesus.
118
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:51,403
Passion of the Christ, then me.
119
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:52,695
At least domestically.
120
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:53,943
We beat them overseas,
121
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,991
where there's no such thing
as religion.
122
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,239
I do want to live
the dreams, Pool Boy.
123
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,616
Taxiing is not as sexy
as it looks.
124
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,490
I want to fill my...
Pockets?
125
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:05,747
- What's your poison?
- A little, uh, cokey cokey?
126
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:07,123
Can't maintain an erection
127
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,624
without buying shoes online?
(HORN HONKS)
128
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,709
I've never experienced
that last one.
129
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,006
Talk to me, Goose.
130
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,881
I was going to say "soul".
I want to fill my soul.
131
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,929
I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.
132
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,589
- Dopinder...
- Hmm?
133
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,933
You never cease to surprise me.
134
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,059
You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.
135
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,765
We all need
a sense of belonging.
136
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,600
We all need
a genuine sense of home.
137
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,775
A place in this world.
138
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,148
I want to become
a contract killer.
139
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,728
I'm sorry. What did you say?
140
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:36,026
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu
141
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,403
and threatened him
with great violence?
142
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,825
You kind of killed him.
143
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,653
And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?
144
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:41,862
Don't want to.
145
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:42,991
When Tom Cruise fed
146
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,869
10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood
147
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,120
for the first time...
148
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,578
and she looked up at his smooth,
149
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,878
handsome face and said...
150
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,415
"I want some more."
151
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:57,128
Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
152
00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:00,172
I'll never not picture that.
153
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,675
But I can't wait
to never speak of this,
154
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,134
as soon as possible.
155
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,346
We're here.
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
156
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:13,439
(GROANS)
157
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,071
Dopinder, it's me again.
158
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:17,818
Look, a saner man
might discourage you
159
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:19,741
from joining
the deadly merc business...
160
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,239
what, with your concave chest
161
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,945
and your paper towel tube arms.
162
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,700
But you're an eagle...
163
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,748
and goddamn it,
an eagle's gotta soar.
164
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,166
You gotta grab those dreams,
165
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,835
grab those dreams
by the dick tip...
166
00:10:29,921 --> 00:10:31,411
and make it rain!
167
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,372
I don't know what that means.
168
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,423
Me neither.
(BOTH LAUGH)
169
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:37,466
I'm gonna see you...
170
00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:38,715
(EXCLAIMS)
171
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,136
at the office.
172
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:41,804
In the sky.
173
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:42,926
You're my Tom Cruise!
174
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,633
DEADPOOL:
And you're my Kristen Dunst!
175
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:45,967
Kristen? Kirsten?
176
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,816
Sorry I'm late.
177
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,438
There was a bunch of
178
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,566
handicapable children
stuck in a tree...
179
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,896
and I had to, uh...
Uh-uh.
180
00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,907
You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.
181
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,235
But then we discovered
his mom is named Martha, too.
182
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,328
No.
You got me.
183
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,489
I was rounding up
all the gluten in the world
184
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:08,745
and launching it into space...
185
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,826
where it can't not
hurt us ever again.
186
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,165
Try again.
187
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,166
Diarrhea?
188
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,956
We can't be sure
until I get this suit off...
189
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,008
but, uh, all signs point to yes.
190
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:21,920
Traffic?
191
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:23,592
Hmm?
192
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,391
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
193
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:27,467
Well, come here.
194
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,225
(TAKE ON ME PLAYING)
195
00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:38,107
(VANESSA MOANS)
196
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,940
I'm gonna shower
and get out of this suit.
197
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,816
Don't you want your surprise?
198
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,743
Do I look like
a patient burn victim?
199
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,778
I got one for you, too.
200
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,281
Happy anniversary, baby.
201
00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:51,041
Open, open, open.
202
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,377
Skee-Ball token.
203
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,170
Our first date.
204
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,497
Yup.
205
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,546
That's genuine, high-grade lead.
206
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,342
I'll keep it forever.
(CHUCKLES)
207
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,219
Thank you, baby.
208
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,560
- Open yours.
- All right, all right.
209
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,770
Oh...
210
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,982
That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've...
211
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,400
I don't know what this is.
212
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:18,977
My IUD.
213
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,354
A bomb?
214
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:23,236
No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.
215
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:24,778
What, you mean that your...
216
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,576
Baby factory's open
for business.
217
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:27,744
Oh, my God!
(BOX CLATTERS)
218
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:31,206
(VANESSA LAUGHS)
Oh, my God! I want a boy!
219
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:34,125
Or a little girl!
Definitely one or the other!
220
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,208
Oh! And I want our kid
to have only one name.
221
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,336
Like Cher or Todd.
222
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,835
You gotta pump a baby
in me first, cowboy.
223
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:43,919
Yes, I do.
224
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,754
Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.
225
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:46,838
Let's do that.
226
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:49,515
(SINGING) Papa...
227
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,390
Can you hear me?
228
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:56,188
Papa, can you see me?
229
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,767
Does this song
sound familiar to you?
230
00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,528
May.
231
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:06,992
- Connor, if it's a boy.
- May, if it's a girl.
232
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,569
(CHUCKLES)
233
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:12,031
So weird.
(LAUGHS)
234
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,537
Family was always
an F-word to me.
235
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:19,254
My pile of shit father
took off and bailed.
236
00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,632
I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models
237
00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,426
to draw off of for Todd.
238
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:28,213
Hey. Look at me.
239
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,554
You are not your father.
240
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:34,682
Besides...
241
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:39,482
I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
242
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,476
But here's the thing,
243
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,107
isn't that how it always works?
244
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,938
Like in Star Wars,
245
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,070
men are destined
to become their father...
246
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:50,823
and then have consensual sex
with their sister?
247
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,325
I think you missed
big, big chunks of that movie.
248
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,457
No, I'm pretty sure
Luke nailed her.
249
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,160
Baby, that's Empire.
250
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,254
The point is, kids...
251
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,376
they give us a chance
to be better than we are.
252
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,336
Better than we used to be.
253
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,423
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
254
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:13,842
I'm gonna go make dessert.
255
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,305
You get the strap-on.
Let's make a super baby.
256
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,932
Pretty sure it doesn't work
that way, but we can try.
257
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:25,570
VANESSA: What about Krystal?
But with a "K"?
258
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,567
(TIMER TICKING)
It's too stripper-y.
259
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,148
Kevin with a "K"!
260
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,325
No, too stripper-y, too.
261
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,495
Uh, Earl!
262
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,160
(IN SLOW MOTION)
He's gonna go straight to jail
263
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,036
if we name him Earl.
264
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:40,369
What about Bruce?
265
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,542
No.
266
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,872
Get down.
267
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,331
What?
(GUN FIRES)
268
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,719
(ALL GRUNTING)
269
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,135
(GUN FIRING)
270
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,988
Baby? Baby?
271
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,365
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
272
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,666
I'm okay.
273
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,829
Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.
274
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,584
(BOTH PANTING)
(GASPS)
275
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,476
(INAUDIBLE)
276
00:15:58,583 --> 00:15:59,869
(MOUTHING) Please.
277
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,750
Please. Please.
278
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,879
Baby, I'm so sorry.
279
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:13,841
No!
280
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:21,473
(DINGS)
281
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:34,949
(PANTING)
282
00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:42,082
(HORN BLARING)
(GRUNTS)
283
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,621
(TIRES SCREECHING)
284
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,507
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
285
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,560
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
286
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:03,936
(ENGINE STALLING)
287
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,142
(YELLS)
288
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,786
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
289
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,426
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
290
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,881
(HORN BLARES)
291
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,850
(WOMAN SINGING)
292
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:21,074
(SINGING) Papa, can you hear me?
293
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,526
Is it just me, or does
294
00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:25,362
Do You Want to Build
a Snowman? from Frozen...
295
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:26,696
sound suspiciously like
296
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,702
Papa, Can You Hear Me?
from Yentl?
297
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,033
(SNIFFLES)
298
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:32,243
(SINGING) Papa, can you hear me?
299
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,585
And nobody fucking realizes it.
300
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,212
Wade, you gotta go home.
301
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,885
You've been sitting here
for three days, okay?
302
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:44,635
You smell like sauerkraut
left in the warm rain.
303
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:47,096
Like wet garbage in hot urine.
304
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,302
You smell like
a dog ate kitty litter...
305
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,388
and then farted his way
out of the living room.
306
00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,268
I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's
307
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:54,895
couch cushions after Shark Week.
308
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:56,601
I love Frozen.
309
00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:00,196
I loved her. I loved her
like an ocean loves water.
310
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:01,697
An ocean is water.
311
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:06,449
More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?
312
00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:08,071
George Michael was right.
313
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,997
I'm never gonna
dance again. Fuck!
314
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:11,574
He's dead, too.
315
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,084
At least we still have Bowie.
316
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,832
Oh, Mr. Pool.
David Bowie is...
317
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:16,913
Uh, uh, uh...
318
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,373
still with us.
319
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,334
We do.
We'll always have Bowie.
320
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:22,919
I'm sorry.
321
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,295
Shot after shot,
322
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,301
it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're...
323
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,974
Are you pissing?
Are you urinating right now?
324
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,802
You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.
325
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,436
Is he pissing?
I'm on it!
326
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:34,062
There you go, Dopinder.
327
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,141
If you want to be
a contract killer...
328
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,727
you gotta handle a mop
before you handle a gun.
329
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:39,811
Although I don't
quite understand
330
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,111
how they are at all similar.
331
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:43,565
'Cause I could shove either
one up your ass and kill you.
332
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:44,740
Now, leave me.
333
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:45,817
I get it.
334
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,906
Go home, Wade.
335
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:50,364
I don't have a home,
Weas, you know. I got a...
336
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,157
Okay, I'm fine.
337
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,242
I'm fine.
338
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,202
You know what "fine"
stands for, Wade?
339
00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:59,631
Fucked up, insecure,
needy, and emotional.
340
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,290
According to the...
341
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:03,797
- Kübler-Ross.
- Yeah.
342
00:21:04,138 --> 00:21:05,924
According to
the Kübler-Ross model...
343
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:08,757
denial is just one of
the five stages of grief.
344
00:21:08,851 --> 00:21:10,808
Jesus Christ, Buck!
345
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,181
No more speaking lines for you.
346
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,732
(LAUGHING)
347
00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:20,435
(JACK BENNY SCATTING ON RADIO)
348
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:21,735
(COMEDY SERIES PLAYING ON RADIO)
349
00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:24,154
THUG: (ON RADIO) Hey, bud. Bud.
350
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,027
- JACK: Huh?
- THUG: Got a match?
351
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:27,358
JACK: Match?
352
00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:29,243
Yes, I have one right here.
353
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,695
THUG: Don't make a move.
This is a stick-up.
354
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,538
- JACK: What?
- THUG: You heard me.
355
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,616
JACK: Mister, Mister,
put down that gun.
356
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:37,293
THUG: Shut up. Now, come on.
Your money or your life?
357
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,666
(SNIFFS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON RADIO)
358
00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:49,131
THUG: Look, bud, I said,
"Your money or your life."
359
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:50,298
"I'm thinking it over!"
360
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:51,974
Motherfuck!
361
00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:53,142
Fuck!
362
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:55,265
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
363
00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:57,562
The hell you doin' here?
364
00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,061
Don't you know how to knock?
365
00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:01,643
I thought you saw me...
366
00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:03,068
with your ears.
367
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,312
You're lucky I didn't
shoot you in the...
368
00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:05,396
The wall?
369
00:22:05,491 --> 00:22:08,859
The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.
370
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,246
BLIND AL: I heard the news,
sweetie.
371
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:15,073
I'm very sorry. lam.
372
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:16,915
What am I gonna do, Al?
373
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,126
Probably something terrible.
374
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:21,537
Knowing you.
375
00:22:21,715 --> 00:22:23,251
It was my fault.
376
00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:26,334
I fucking did this.
377
00:22:27,221 --> 00:22:29,007
And all I wanna do
is grab her and see her
378
00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:31,089
and tell her that I'm sorry,
and I can't.
379
00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:34,676
She's gone.
380
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:38,183
BLIND AL: Sweetheart,
can you speak up?
381
00:22:38,607 --> 00:22:39,813
It's a little hard to hear you
382
00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:41,561
with that pity dick
in your mouth.
383
00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:44,644
Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.
384
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:45,728
Thank you...
385
00:22:45,823 --> 00:22:49,032
Matthew McConaughey,
your words are a treasure.
386
00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:51,155
Listen to the pain.
387
00:22:51,245 --> 00:22:53,953
It's both history teacher
and fortune teller.
388
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,906
Pain teaches us
who we are, Wade.
389
00:22:57,710 --> 00:23:00,953
Sometimes, it's so bad,
we feel like we're dying.
390
00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:04,338
But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?
391
00:23:06,844 --> 00:23:08,050
Wade?
392
00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:12,425
- Wade?
- I'm right here, Althea.
393
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,308
And that is
the most beautiful thing
394
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,600
I've ever heard.
395
00:23:17,354 --> 00:23:18,890
And you're absolutely right.
396
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:22,640
(COUGHS)
397
00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:25,102
I'm about to do
something terrible.
398
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,446
DEADPOOL: Precious, aren't they?
399
00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:34,652
Whoa!
400
00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:36,158
Are you a superhero?
401
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:37,864
Fucking A, sweetie.
402
00:23:37,958 --> 00:23:39,494
What's your name?
403
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,326
Captain Delicious Pants.
404
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,582
Who's Captain Delicious Pants?
405
00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:47,419
(KIDS SCREAMING)
(ANIMAL GROWLING)
406
00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:10,905
I can't believe
he's still alive.
407
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,483
I can't believe you left
the house in that shirt.
408
00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:16,865
There's gotta be
some way to die.
409
00:24:16,956 --> 00:24:18,947
I just need to die harder.
410
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:20,156
Trademark Fox.
411
00:24:20,334 --> 00:24:21,324
Y'all caught up now?
412
00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:33,211
(OVERLAPPING VOICES)
413
00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:36,180
VANESSA: Open for business.
414
00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:38,553
(OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE)
415
00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,845
WADE: Your crazy
matches my crazy.
416
00:24:42,272 --> 00:24:44,309
VANESSA: I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
417
00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:45,564
WADE: Skee-Ball token.
418
00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:46,732
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
419
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:48,980
(VOICES ECHOING)
420
00:24:52,950 --> 00:24:53,985
WADE: About why
we're so good together.
421
00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:55,407
VANESSA: I love you,
Wade Wilson.
422
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:56,950
(GASPS)
423
00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,491
WADE: Ness?
424
00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:02,073
Ness?
425
00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:03,908
Ness.
426
00:25:04,545 --> 00:25:07,207
Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.
427
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:11,006
Your heart's not
in the right place.
428
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,342
(STAMMERS)
Wait, hold on. What?
429
00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:16,261
Your heart's not
in the right place.
430
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:17,383
Wait. What do you mean
431
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:18,714
my heart's not in the right
place? What does it...
432
00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:20,307
(TIMER TICKING)
433
00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:23,302
(TIMER DINGS)
434
00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:41,491
I'm terribly sorry
for your loss, Wade.
435
00:25:41,957 --> 00:25:43,038
You're broken.
436
00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:46,083
DEADPOOL: Oh, God.
I know that voice.
437
00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:08,560
HEADMASTER: Well, Russell.
438
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:11,312
I hear you're handy
at picking locks.
439
00:26:12,696 --> 00:26:14,858
There will be no need
for that here.
440
00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:18,236
There's no locks on our doors,
no bars on our windows.
441
00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:21,611
I know what you're thinking.
442
00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:23,787
Why don't the kids just run?
443
00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:26,953
Who would choose to stay
in such a place?
444
00:26:27,377 --> 00:26:29,414
You stay because...
445
00:26:29,922 --> 00:26:34,632
deep down inside, you know
you're unfit to leave.
446
00:26:38,472 --> 00:26:40,054
Don't worry.
447
00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:42,886
We can fix that.
448
00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:51,474
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
449
00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:15,081
DEADPOOL:
"Heart's in the right place."
450
00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:16,586
"Heart's in the right..."
What does that mean?
451
00:27:16,677 --> 00:27:18,543
COLOSSUS:
Take your mask off, Wade.
452
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,219
I wish you'd said "pants".
453
00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:21,553
Let's play a game.
454
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,098
It's called
"Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?".
455
00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,516
Now, close your eyes
and open your mouth.
456
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,435
COLOSSUS: You don't need
to be funny here.
457
00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:30,183
We must talk.
458
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,773
- You need fresh start.
- (GROANS)
459
00:27:32,860 --> 00:27:34,350
Such a glare.
460
00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:36,606
It's like I'm on stage
at the Gaiety.
461
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,238
With training, you can be X-Man.
462
00:27:39,408 --> 00:27:41,490
You're wasting your time,
Shiny Jesus.
463
00:27:41,577 --> 00:27:42,817
I'm not X-Man material.
464
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,493
Understatement of the year.
465
00:27:44,955 --> 00:27:45,945
Wade, Yukio.
466
00:27:46,415 --> 00:27:47,576
Yukio, Wade.
467
00:27:48,375 --> 00:27:50,457
What in the fuck knuckles
is this?
468
00:27:50,544 --> 00:27:52,410
She's my girlfriend,
you intolerant shit.
469
00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:54,999
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes,
Fox & Friends.
470
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:56,922
I'm just surprised
anyone would date you.
471
00:27:57,009 --> 00:27:59,296
Especially Pinkie Pie
from My Little Pony.
472
00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:01,009
I like this guy.
473
00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:02,841
Give him a chance.
474
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:04,672
It's great seeing you like this.
475
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,970
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Yeah.
476
00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:08,426
Bye, Wade!
477
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:11,224
Now, some ground rules
while under our roof.
478
00:28:11,315 --> 00:28:14,057
"Rule number one.
No killing...
479
00:28:14,151 --> 00:28:17,564
"anyone ever, no matter how bad.
480
00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:20,237
"Rule two. Label everything
in refrigerator."
481
00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:21,314
Wade?
482
00:28:22,201 --> 00:28:23,282
Wade?
483
00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:25,234
- Don't try to chase me.
- Wade!
484
00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:27,407
I'm not ready
to be touched again.
485
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,704
All these old guys on the wall.
486
00:28:29,791 --> 00:28:31,873
Who lives here,
Calista Flockhart?
487
00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:34,000
(OBJECTS SHATTERING)
488
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:36,454
Those were already damaged
after they fell there!
489
00:28:37,132 --> 00:28:38,964
What am I supposed
to do around here, anyway?
490
00:28:39,051 --> 00:28:41,258
Sit in a share circle,
talk about my feelings?
491
00:28:41,345 --> 00:28:43,928
And how would I do that exactly?
492
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:46,676
'Cause where the fuck
is everyone?
493
00:28:46,767 --> 00:28:47,848
It's always just you
494
00:28:47,935 --> 00:28:49,266
and Negasonic Teenage
Longest Name Ever...
495
00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:50,343
Enough!
496
00:28:50,646 --> 00:28:52,478
(GASPS) I said no touching!
497
00:28:54,233 --> 00:28:56,770
What the fuck?
498
00:28:57,569 --> 00:28:59,685
You'd think the studio
would throw us a bone.
499
00:28:59,780 --> 00:29:01,817
One that doesn't end up
in my mouth.
500
00:29:02,658 --> 00:29:03,773
The first movie made more money
501
00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:06,154
than the guy who invented pants.
502
00:29:06,245 --> 00:29:08,361
They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?
503
00:29:08,455 --> 00:29:10,537
How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?
504
00:29:10,624 --> 00:29:11,864
What do those do anyway, huh?
505
00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:13,370
Carry him
three feet off the ground
506
00:29:13,460 --> 00:29:15,371
to snatch up
the nearest muffin crumb?
507
00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:17,703
(DOORS CLOSE)
No, no, no!
508
00:29:17,798 --> 00:29:20,460
I am not X-Man material at all.
509
00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:23,167
First off...
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
510
00:29:23,262 --> 00:29:25,299
I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more... (GROANS)
511
00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:27,425
(GRUNTS)
512
00:29:27,516 --> 00:29:28,551
I should have left you
513
00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:30,303
in the self-pitying mess
I found you in.
514
00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:33,432
But this is what friends do.
They show up!
515
00:29:33,522 --> 00:29:35,183
Not when convenient or easy.
516
00:29:35,565 --> 00:29:38,933
When hard,
and you always make it hard.
517
00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:42,357
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You are unwell.
518
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:44,529
I'm sticking my neck out
bringing you here.
519
00:29:44,616 --> 00:29:46,448
(STRAINING) Wait.
One of the assholes
520
00:29:46,535 --> 00:29:48,025
who killed Vanessa got away.
521
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:49,868
(GRUNTS)
522
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,613
Oh, Jesus Christ!
523
00:29:52,833 --> 00:29:54,665
I thought you were gonna
kiss me for a second there.
524
00:29:54,751 --> 00:29:56,617
Please know I wouldn't be
able to stop you if you did.
525
00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:58,703
Wade, whoever they are...
526
00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:01,129
we track them down
and bring them to justice.
527
00:30:01,717 --> 00:30:03,128
It was me.
528
00:30:05,971 --> 00:30:07,553
I'm the asshole who got away.
529
00:30:08,682 --> 00:30:11,299
I killed every last one
of them, except me.
530
00:30:11,852 --> 00:30:13,559
Couldn't kill me.
531
00:30:16,690 --> 00:30:18,681
We were gonna start a family.
532
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:22,396
We were, uh... (SNIFFLES)
533
00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:23,602
(CLEARS THROAT)
534
00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:25,404
We were gonna be a family.
535
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:27,189
COLOSSUS: Wade...
536
00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:30,155
Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.
537
00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:34,034
This may not be
family you want...
538
00:30:34,124 --> 00:30:36,115
but it's family you need.
539
00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:37,825
You have a good heart.
540
00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:39,455
It belongs here
where it can grow.
541
00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:42,246
What did you say?
542
00:30:44,301 --> 00:30:45,632
About my heart?
543
00:30:49,556 --> 00:30:50,796
(EXHALES)
544
00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:53,049
I think I'm in the right place.
545
00:31:03,070 --> 00:31:04,652
(GRUNTS)
546
00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:51,781
(INAUDIBLE)
547
00:31:56,331 --> 00:31:57,867
(SCREAMING)
548
00:32:00,877 --> 00:32:03,619
MAN: I'mma tell you
what the big lie is.
549
00:32:03,713 --> 00:32:05,295
(ESCAPE PLAYING ON RADIO)
Toilet paper.
550
00:32:05,382 --> 00:32:06,747
What's so bad
about toilet paper?
551
00:32:06,842 --> 00:32:08,003
Gets the job done.
552
00:32:08,093 --> 00:32:10,926
Does it really get the job done?
553
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,174
All right. Say you wake up
tomorrow morning...
554
00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:17,930
and, hypothetically, find some
fresh shit on your face.
555
00:32:18,019 --> 00:32:19,680
Your cheek, maybe
a little bit in the beard.
556
00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:21,387
What the hell?
I'm about to be fucking sick!
557
00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:22,516
What do you do?
558
00:32:22,607 --> 00:32:23,893
Do you go to a bathroom
559
00:32:23,984 --> 00:32:25,600
and tear off
a piece of dry tissue...
560
00:32:25,694 --> 00:32:27,526
and rub it around
on your beard a little bit
561
00:32:27,612 --> 00:32:29,148
and then go on,
get on with your day?
562
00:32:29,239 --> 00:32:30,821
Go to church,
maybe dinner and a movie,
563
00:32:30,907 --> 00:32:31,988
like nothing happened?
564
00:32:32,075 --> 00:32:33,406
Where is this coming from, man?
565
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:34,699
But something did happen.
566
00:32:34,786 --> 00:32:36,197
Your face smells like shit.
Right?
567
00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:37,824
So what you would do,
568
00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:40,121
is you would get some soap,
you'd get some hot water...
569
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:42,495
and you would scrub
the fucking shit
570
00:32:42,586 --> 00:32:44,543
out of your beard
for 10 straight minutes.
571
00:32:44,629 --> 00:32:46,290
You could not scrub it enough.
572
00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:47,997
Are you trying
to make me feel disgusting?
573
00:32:48,091 --> 00:32:49,252
I'm starting to feel...
574
00:32:49,342 --> 00:32:52,004
Toilet paper is
a plenty fine appetizer.
575
00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:54,177
But, then...
576
00:32:54,431 --> 00:32:56,718
Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.
577
00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:58,139
That's your main course.
578
00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:01,344
They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.
579
00:33:02,189 --> 00:33:04,931
Finally, one more pass
with toilet paper,
580
00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:06,891
maybe clear out
that excess moisture.
581
00:33:06,985 --> 00:33:08,567
Maybe treat yourself
to a blow and go,
582
00:33:08,653 --> 00:33:09,939
if you can get you a hair dryer.
583
00:33:10,030 --> 00:33:12,362
Just about 30 seconds
would do you good.
584
00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:17,067
The fuck?
585
00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:19,365
Year.
586
00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:21,363
What?
587
00:33:22,584 --> 00:33:24,200
What year is it?
588
00:33:24,294 --> 00:33:26,752
What kind of dumb-ass question
is that to ask?
589
00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:42,430
(ALARM RINGING)
590
00:33:43,855 --> 00:33:45,971
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
591
00:33:57,494 --> 00:34:00,236
INSTRUCTOR: We have 8 weeks
of boot camp ahead of us, men.
592
00:34:00,330 --> 00:34:01,616
That'll get us
toned and prepared
593
00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:03,288
for all manner of combat.
594
00:34:05,377 --> 00:34:09,371
Not working out at all.
595
00:34:09,631 --> 00:34:11,247
Masking tape.
596
00:34:11,341 --> 00:34:13,673
It is no friend
to chilled aluminum.
597
00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,718
Velcro.
Color-coded, efficient,
598
00:34:16,805 --> 00:34:17,886
environmentally friendly.
599
00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:20,176
Who is he talking to?
600
00:34:20,267 --> 00:34:21,883
And why is he dressed like
a registered sex offender?
601
00:34:21,977 --> 00:34:23,934
Can we focus
for a moment, ladies?
602
00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:26,261
Please, we need to talk about
next month's meal plan.
603
00:34:26,356 --> 00:34:28,097
Obviously,
everyone hated the ceviche.
604
00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:29,477
I read the suggestion box.
605
00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:31,150
I'm gonna stop you right there.
606
00:34:31,236 --> 00:34:33,022
I see through this weak act.
607
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:37,490
You may have fooled Colossus
with this nice guy shit...
608
00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:38,820
but not me.
609
00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:39,945
Don't be mean.
610
00:34:40,036 --> 00:34:41,322
Back Off, NTW.
611
00:34:41,413 --> 00:34:43,575
No, no, no. Let her go.
612
00:34:43,665 --> 00:34:44,780
Let her go, it's okay.
613
00:34:44,874 --> 00:34:46,410
She has a right to be skeptical.
614
00:34:46,501 --> 00:34:49,118
Look at me.
I'm an easy target.
615
00:34:50,297 --> 00:34:51,628
You know, historically,
616
00:34:51,715 --> 00:34:53,581
mischief has been my mistress...
617
00:34:53,675 --> 00:34:56,337
so I understand, you know.
But I like to think...
618
00:34:57,971 --> 00:34:59,928
that you guys have
really rubbed off on me.
619
00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:03,299
I like to think that I've
rubbed off around you, too.
620
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:06,343
A lot.
621
00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:09,972
And for the first time
in a long while...
622
00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:11,227
I like me.
623
00:35:13,445 --> 00:35:15,937
I accept your apology.
I never apologized.
624
00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:17,521
I was talking to your heart.
625
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:19,983
See? You're not
lost cause you thought.
626
00:35:20,076 --> 00:35:23,239
I'm proud. You're everything
I knew you can be.
627
00:35:23,330 --> 00:35:24,616
Thank you, Colossus.
628
00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:26,955
Just trying to be
the world's best X-Man.
629
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:28,453
Sorry, X-Person.
630
00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:32,662
Hmm. Something wrong
with the soap.
631
00:35:32,756 --> 00:35:34,338
It's fine.
632
00:35:34,424 --> 00:35:36,631
I just filled it. Give it
a few more pumps there.
633
00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:40,302
Now, if you'll excuse me...
634
00:35:40,388 --> 00:35:42,129
it's dust bunny season...
635
00:35:42,223 --> 00:35:43,213
and I'm hunting wabbits.
636
00:35:43,933 --> 00:35:45,048
Bye, Wade!
637
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:49,765
- (MOUTHING) Fuck.
- (MOUTHING) Fuck you.
638
00:35:55,904 --> 00:35:57,394
(BELL CONTINUES RINGING)
639
00:35:59,407 --> 00:36:00,772
(BELL STOPS RINGING)
640
00:36:01,451 --> 00:36:03,988
HEADMASTER:
No one is born perfect.
641
00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:06,036
But you can be.
642
00:36:06,122 --> 00:36:08,454
I know you're doing
what comes naturally.
643
00:36:12,754 --> 00:36:14,586
You can't help yourself.
644
00:36:18,468 --> 00:36:19,924
But you can.
645
00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:23,257
It takes work, discipline...
646
00:36:23,723 --> 00:36:24,929
and treatment.
647
00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:26,677
Your abilities...
648
00:36:28,645 --> 00:36:30,636
I know how seductive they are.
649
00:36:31,481 --> 00:36:33,643
How powerful they make you feel.
650
00:36:34,651 --> 00:36:37,143
But you must learn
never to use them...
651
00:36:37,237 --> 00:36:39,820
so they will never use you.
652
00:36:43,451 --> 00:36:44,657
(CRYING)
653
00:36:46,079 --> 00:36:47,661
Please don't cry.
654
00:36:48,498 --> 00:36:50,080
I'm going to help.
655
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:52,999
I'm gonna make you feel
what you should feel.
656
00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:54,789
How you need to feel...
657
00:36:55,922 --> 00:36:58,459
every time you're tempted
to act upon your urges.
658
00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:03,256
Suck my mutant dick,
you four-eyed fuck.
659
00:37:05,807 --> 00:37:07,764
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GRUNTING)
660
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:14,221
(SCREAMS)
661
00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:18,942
COLOSSUS: Wade.
662
00:37:19,863 --> 00:37:20,853
Wade!
663
00:37:21,489 --> 00:37:23,526
- Come in!
- Hey, I was just doing
664
00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,152
a little bit
of light reading here...
665
00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:26,908
We have mission.
666
00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:28,526
Well, you guys be
safe out there.
667
00:37:28,621 --> 00:37:29,827
I'll be praying for you.
668
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:32,326
No, I want you to join.
669
00:37:33,543 --> 00:37:34,658
I'm sorry, what?
670
00:37:34,753 --> 00:37:36,335
You heard me.
671
00:37:36,421 --> 00:37:38,662
Trust me,
that's a terrible idea.
672
00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:39,875
I'm really not ready.
673
00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:41,456
- You are ready.
- I'm not.
674
00:37:41,718 --> 00:37:43,459
Be at the X-Jet in five.
675
00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:44,751
I can do thirty.
676
00:37:44,846 --> 00:37:46,757
- Now.
- I can do now.
677
00:37:46,848 --> 00:37:47,883
Final offer.
678
00:37:48,141 --> 00:37:50,633
REPORTER: Irene Merryweather,
WHIT News.
679
00:37:50,727 --> 00:37:52,684
Live here
at a breaking news situation
680
00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:55,388
at the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation.
681
00:37:55,482 --> 00:37:57,393
A mutant boy
is appearing to have
682
00:37:57,484 --> 00:37:58,690
some sort of an incident...
683
00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:00,438
- with police here behind me.
- RUSSELL: Get away from me!
684
00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:02,895
There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.
685
00:38:02,989 --> 00:38:04,400
There are open fires.
Fuck off! Stay back!
686
00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:05,481
REPORTER: A scene of
absolute chaos here.
687
00:38:05,575 --> 00:38:06,565
OFFICER: Calm down.
688
00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:09,367
RUSSELL: I'll burn you!
You stay back!
689
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:11,820
Get away from me!
690
00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:14,407
You wanna fucking die?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
691
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:32,595
And it appears as if the X-Men
are arriving...
692
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:33,675
DEADPOOL: Scatter!
693
00:38:34,270 --> 00:38:36,227
REPORTER: ...with what appears
to be a trainee.
694
00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:39,272
DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down!
The pros are here. I...
695
00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:40,440
We're the X-Men!
696
00:38:40,527 --> 00:38:42,734
A dated metaphor for racism
in the '60s.
697
00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:45,316
So, respect.
698
00:38:45,698 --> 00:38:46,938
At ease, Officer.
699
00:38:48,535 --> 00:38:50,071
What are you doing?
700
00:38:50,537 --> 00:38:51,777
My job!
701
00:38:51,871 --> 00:38:53,236
You're the one who said
I was ready,
702
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:54,787
and I frankly disagreed
with you.
703
00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:57,241
But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.
704
00:38:57,335 --> 00:38:59,747
Like Beyoncé says, "Please...
705
00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:01,919
"Please, stop cheating on me."
706
00:39:02,006 --> 00:39:03,087
OFFICER: Hey!
707
00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:04,505
This is the fifth incident.
708
00:39:04,592 --> 00:39:06,754
This kid needs to be
in the Ice Box, not here.
709
00:39:06,845 --> 00:39:08,461
Russell belongs in our care.
710
00:39:08,555 --> 00:39:10,296
Not in prison.
I assure you...
711
00:39:10,390 --> 00:39:11,471
we have everything
under control.
712
00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:12,593
RUSSELL: Stay back!
I'll burn you!
713
00:39:12,684 --> 00:39:13,845
Not getting a real
714
00:39:13,935 --> 00:39:15,596
"under control"
vibe here, Marty.
715
00:39:16,062 --> 00:39:18,053
- It is Glen, isn't it?
- Daniel.
716
00:39:18,147 --> 00:39:19,353
I'll ask the questions, Miguel.
717
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:20,726
Let me talk to the kid.
718
00:39:20,817 --> 00:39:25,653
You stay here with your weird,
secret sex lips.
719
00:39:27,407 --> 00:39:28,397
RUSSELL: You wanna die?
720
00:39:28,491 --> 00:39:29,481
DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable.
721
00:39:29,576 --> 00:39:30,657
I don't know why I packed
the hollow points.
722
00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:31,858
I'll burn your balls off!
723
00:39:31,953 --> 00:39:34,570
First day. (CHUCKLING)
I'm so nervous!
724
00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:36,863
Did you just say
"hollow points"?
725
00:39:36,958 --> 00:39:38,289
Yeah, probably should've
726
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:40,413
brought a Super Soaker.
(LAUGHS)
727
00:39:40,962 --> 00:39:41,952
Hi, there!
728
00:39:43,256 --> 00:39:45,714
Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!
729
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,293
(LAUGHS) Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.
730
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,296
(RUSSELL GRUNTS)
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
731
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:55,473
Okay, let's not do
whatever that is.
732
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,016
Okay? Let's just talk!
733
00:39:57,103 --> 00:39:58,343
It's Russell, right?
734
00:39:58,771 --> 00:40:00,603
- Firefist.
- Firefist.
735
00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:03,272
Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?
736
00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:04,770
Just the fist, or all the way
up to the elbow?
737
00:40:05,737 --> 00:40:06,977
(GRUNTS)
738
00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:09,729
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
739
00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:12,441
(CHUCKLES) Definitely all
the way up to the elbow.
740
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:14,526
Come quietly,
or there will be trouble.
741
00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,745
- You stole that from Robocop!
- That's from Robocop!
742
00:40:18,249 --> 00:40:19,831
Just stand down!
743
00:40:19,918 --> 00:40:21,955
You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire...
744
00:40:22,045 --> 00:40:23,251
(LAUGHS)
745
00:40:23,379 --> 00:40:25,666
Oh, my God! I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!
746
00:40:25,924 --> 00:40:26,914
(GRUNTS)
747
00:40:27,884 --> 00:40:29,591
(ALL SCREAMING)
748
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:33,966
Oh, shit!
That fucking does it!
749
00:40:34,474 --> 00:40:35,805
Put your hands behind your knees
750
00:40:35,892 --> 00:40:37,348
and get down on your head! Now!
751
00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:39,642
Wade! What was first rule?
752
00:40:39,729 --> 00:40:41,640
Label everything
in the refrigerator!
753
00:40:41,731 --> 00:40:44,314
Do not escalate!
Rules are meant to be broken!
754
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:45,765
COLOSSUS:
That's the exact opposite
755
00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,225
of what they're meant for!
756
00:40:48,237 --> 00:40:49,693
Fuck! Fine!
757
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:51,274
I'll start from the beginning.
758
00:40:51,908 --> 00:40:54,240
My name is Deadpool,
and I'm an X-Man.
759
00:40:54,327 --> 00:40:56,284
- Trainee!
- Shut it!
760
00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,492
Look, I get it.
761
00:41:00,667 --> 00:41:02,283
All right, you're scared.
762
00:41:02,835 --> 00:41:03,870
Alone.
763
00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:04,997
You got no family.
764
00:41:05,088 --> 00:41:06,078
I didn't have a family, either.
765
00:41:06,172 --> 00:41:07,879
You live in this dump.
Guess what?
766
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:09,673
I used to live in a shithole
just like it.
767
00:41:10,593 --> 00:41:11,879
But you know something?
768
00:41:11,970 --> 00:41:13,677
A wise woman once said to me...
769
00:41:13,763 --> 00:41:15,128
"Speak up.
770
00:41:15,223 --> 00:41:17,430
"I can't hear you with that
pity dick in your mouth."
771
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:19,724
Too much? I went too far.
772
00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:21,051
(GRUNTS)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
773
00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:29,225
That was effervescent.
774
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,231
(SIGHS) Stay in school, kid.
775
00:41:31,614 --> 00:41:33,104
Or don't. I didn't.
776
00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:35,027
And I'm an X-Man.
(THUDS)
777
00:41:35,118 --> 00:41:36,199
Trainee.
778
00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:37,616
Fuck it!
779
00:41:37,704 --> 00:41:39,445
Superhero landing coming up!
780
00:41:41,582 --> 00:41:42,947
(GRUNTS)
781
00:41:43,042 --> 00:41:44,658
Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!
782
00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:46,584
(GROANS)
That is so not practical.
783
00:41:46,879 --> 00:41:48,415
- (GRUNTS)
- (GASPS)
784
00:41:50,174 --> 00:41:51,380
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
785
00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:58,137
(GROANS)
786
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,852
(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
787
00:42:07,358 --> 00:42:09,349
I could get used
to this X-Man shit.
788
00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:10,434
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Trainee!
789
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:11,563
DEADPOOL: Trainee!
790
00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:13,686
OFFICER: Get a power restraint
on him. Now!
791
00:42:13,781 --> 00:42:16,990
DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.
792
00:42:17,702 --> 00:42:18,783
(DEVICE WHIRRS)
793
00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:20,360
What's that do?
794
00:42:20,455 --> 00:42:21,911
Power-dampening collar.
795
00:42:21,998 --> 00:42:23,238
Shuts down all mutant abilities.
796
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:26,116
You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.
797
00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:29,168
Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.
798
00:42:29,255 --> 00:42:30,495
HEADMASTER: Thank you!
799
00:42:32,341 --> 00:42:34,548
That was absolutely thrilling.
800
00:42:34,635 --> 00:42:36,626
True heroism in action.
801
00:42:36,888 --> 00:42:38,549
We are in your debt.
802
00:42:39,348 --> 00:42:40,964
We can take it from here.
803
00:42:41,059 --> 00:42:43,221
Take me to the Ice Box, please!
804
00:42:43,311 --> 00:42:44,472
Anywhere's better than here.
805
00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:45,768
DEADPOOL: Believe me, son,
806
00:42:45,855 --> 00:42:47,562
you do not wanna go
to the Ice Box.
807
00:42:47,648 --> 00:42:50,140
That place makes Hitler's anus
look like Waikiki.
808
00:42:50,276 --> 00:42:52,108
Let's get you inside, young man.
809
00:42:52,195 --> 00:42:54,152
No, wait, wait. Wait.
810
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:55,728
You guys stay there.
811
00:43:05,833 --> 00:43:07,449
Those guys hurt you?
812
00:43:08,878 --> 00:43:09,913
Who?
813
00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:14,672
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
814
00:43:16,135 --> 00:43:17,625
Both of 'em?
815
00:43:21,349 --> 00:43:23,010
Oh, fuck it.
816
00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:24,637
Four or five moments!
817
00:43:24,727 --> 00:43:25,717
I'm sorry?
818
00:43:25,812 --> 00:43:28,975
Four or five moments!
819
00:43:30,233 --> 00:43:32,975
That's all it takes
to be a hero.
820
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:36,019
People think
you wake up a hero...
821
00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:37,980
brush your teeth a hero...
822
00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:41,066
ejaculate into
a soap dispenser a hero.
823
00:43:41,536 --> 00:43:42,776
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
824
00:43:42,870 --> 00:43:46,613
But, no, being a hero
takes only a few moments!
825
00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:49,575
A few moments...
826
00:43:49,669 --> 00:43:52,286
doing the ugly stuff
no one else will do.
827
00:43:52,380 --> 00:43:53,461
(GROANS)
828
00:43:55,842 --> 00:43:56,957
No!
829
00:43:59,637 --> 00:44:00,843
OFFICER: Stand down!
Hold your fire!
830
00:44:00,930 --> 00:44:03,217
Wade, what did you do?
Colossus, no!
831
00:44:03,307 --> 00:44:06,550
You were right, Wade.
You are not X-Men material.
832
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:08,885
No shit, Shiny Gandhi!
833
00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:10,436
What was your first clue?
834
00:44:10,523 --> 00:44:13,311
The hollow point
through that fuckheads face?
835
00:44:13,693 --> 00:44:14,933
That kid was abused!
836
00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:16,813
- You can always tell!
- COLOSSUS: We have rules!
837
00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:19,821
You are not judge,
jury or executioner!
838
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,820
Fuck your rules!
I fight for what's right!
839
00:44:22,910 --> 00:44:24,492
And sometimes
you gotta fight dirty!
840
00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:27,825
You let me down
for the last time, Wade.
841
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,201
OFFICER: Okay,
get these guys in the pod.
842
00:44:33,296 --> 00:44:35,458
Take them to the Ice Box.
(SIRENS WAILING)
843
00:44:35,548 --> 00:44:37,380
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
844
00:44:48,561 --> 00:44:51,303
(PRISONERS SHOUTING)
(WHISTLING)
845
00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:53,263
(GATE BUZZING)
846
00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,023
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTS)
847
00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:57,100
Hey, baby!
848
00:44:58,196 --> 00:45:00,403
I wonder what gang I'll be in.
849
00:45:00,489 --> 00:45:01,854
Yeah!
850
00:45:02,033 --> 00:45:04,274
- Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
- (MOUTHS) Hi.
851
00:45:06,162 --> 00:45:07,527
I've always seen myself as
852
00:45:07,622 --> 00:45:08,987
more of
an East Coast Hufflepuff.
853
00:45:10,499 --> 00:45:13,457
I've made a critical error
on my Airbnb reservation.
854
00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:17,378
This is not what the website
looked like at all.
855
00:45:18,966 --> 00:45:20,673
I love the decor though.
856
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:22,671
I had no idea
hopeless was a color.
857
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:24,002
GUARD: Hard left, douchebag.
858
00:45:28,517 --> 00:45:29,678
Please, after you.
859
00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:34,558
Another disgusting minority
off the streets.
860
00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:35,730
We'll sleep well tonight.
861
00:45:35,816 --> 00:45:36,806
Let's get a bagel.
862
00:45:36,901 --> 00:45:39,268
- (TASER CRACKLING)
- (GROANING)
863
00:45:40,112 --> 00:45:42,945
Nighty-night,
you annoying prick!
864
00:45:44,033 --> 00:45:46,115
(CONTINUES GROANING)
865
00:46:13,104 --> 00:46:14,640
(VOMITING)
866
00:46:18,734 --> 00:46:20,566
RUSSELL: You're a long way
from your superpowers.
867
00:46:20,653 --> 00:46:23,020
Yeah. Just a touch of cancer.
868
00:46:23,114 --> 00:46:25,572
Not to worry, we're old friends.
869
00:46:25,658 --> 00:46:26,819
Fuck!
870
00:46:26,909 --> 00:46:28,570
I wanted to be a superhero.
871
00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:31,031
Always wanted a real super suit.
872
00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:32,658
(SIGHS) What happened?
873
00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:34,785
When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?
874
00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:36,662
Never
875
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,830
The industry discriminates.
876
00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:41,458
Fuck superheroes.
877
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:44,256
The thing that
pisses me off the most...
878
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:46,175
I never stood up
for myself in there.
879
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,591
My whole life.
880
00:46:50,766 --> 00:46:54,225
I've been waiting for someone
to come and save me.
881
00:46:56,647 --> 00:46:59,605
Nobody's gonna sacrifice
anything for me.
882
00:47:03,738 --> 00:47:05,979
I gotta start taking care
of myself.
883
00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:09,157
I have a mission now.
884
00:47:10,119 --> 00:47:12,736
The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here...
885
00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:15,117
burn the headmaster alive...
886
00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:17,790
and then take a selfie
with his smoldering corpse.
887
00:47:18,961 --> 00:47:21,373
Aw. That's, like,
my favorite part of the Bible.
888
00:47:23,132 --> 00:47:25,043
I don't have
a sock puppet on me...
889
00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:27,132
but what did he do to you?
890
00:47:27,762 --> 00:47:29,298
Did he taste the rainbow?
891
00:47:29,388 --> 00:47:31,425
I'd whisper it,
but Skittles would sue us.
892
00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:34,216
Fucker hates mutants.
893
00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:36,551
He tried to beat
the genes out of us.
894
00:47:36,645 --> 00:47:39,182
Nothing worse than a "pray
the gay away" type guy.
895
00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:41,347
Sick piece of shit.
896
00:47:42,777 --> 00:47:46,441
Tomorrow, we'll find
the biggest guy in here...
897
00:47:47,406 --> 00:47:49,067
and we'll make him our bitch!
898
00:47:49,158 --> 00:47:50,489
(RUMBLING)
899
00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:52,947
(WADE COUGHS)
900
00:47:53,037 --> 00:47:54,323
What was that?
(CLEARS THROAT)
901
00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:56,370
That is the biggest guy in here.
902
00:47:57,041 --> 00:47:59,078
Fun fact about the Ice Box...
903
00:47:59,168 --> 00:48:00,954
though no one's ever seen it,
904
00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:03,207
they keep a monster
in the basement.
905
00:48:03,297 --> 00:48:05,004
Right next to a huge,
906
00:48:05,091 --> 00:48:06,627
steaming bowl of foreshadowing.
907
00:48:07,259 --> 00:48:08,249
Look.
908
00:48:09,261 --> 00:48:11,172
I can't protect you. (COUGHS)
909
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:12,670
With this collar on,
910
00:48:12,765 --> 00:48:15,848
my superpower
is just unbridled cancer.
911
00:48:15,935 --> 00:48:18,802
Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.
912
00:48:19,438 --> 00:48:21,475
Now, if you'll excuse me...
(COUGHS)
913
00:48:21,565 --> 00:48:24,728
I've got tumors to grow.
Vanessa awaits.
914
00:48:24,819 --> 00:48:27,060
I'll start by making us a shank.
915
00:48:27,321 --> 00:48:29,187
Good listening.
I stole that guard's pen...
916
00:48:29,281 --> 00:48:31,192
and stashed it
in the old prison wallet,
917
00:48:31,283 --> 00:48:32,648
if you know what I'm saying.
918
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:35,201
I really hope I don't know
what you're saying.
919
00:48:35,830 --> 00:48:37,195
(RUSSELL EXHALES)
920
00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:39,576
RUSSELL: I know it's in there,
I just need to get it out.
921
00:48:39,667 --> 00:48:41,578
Oh, Jesus Christ.
922
00:48:41,836 --> 00:48:44,077
I can hear you
rummaging around in there.
923
00:48:44,505 --> 00:48:46,621
Do they make Purell
for your ears?
924
00:48:46,966 --> 00:48:48,456
(SIREN WAILING)
925
00:48:51,429 --> 00:48:52,760
REPORTER: (ON TV)
And to update you
926
00:48:52,847 --> 00:48:54,178
on the story reported earlier,
927
00:48:54,265 --> 00:48:55,801
after a lengthy standoff
928
00:48:55,891 --> 00:48:58,553
outside the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation...
929
00:48:58,644 --> 00:48:59,930
two mutants were arrested
930
00:49:00,020 --> 00:49:01,636
and transported
to the Ice Box...
931
00:49:01,814 --> 00:49:03,179
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Entering repair mode.
932
00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:08,976
REPORTER: ...several
police cars were destroyed
933
00:49:09,071 --> 00:49:11,062
and the X-Men were called in
to restore order.
934
00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:32,174
(COUGHS)
935
00:49:32,303 --> 00:49:34,260
GUARD: (ON PA)
Cells seven and nine
936
00:49:34,346 --> 00:49:37,680
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
937
00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:39,222
Cells seven and nine
938
00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:42,052
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
939
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,179
Psst!
940
00:49:47,485 --> 00:49:49,317
Don't do that.
941
00:49:49,904 --> 00:49:52,737
What? Why are you winking at me?
942
00:49:52,823 --> 00:49:53,904
(COUGHS)
943
00:49:56,368 --> 00:49:57,733
I got your back.
944
00:49:57,828 --> 00:49:58,989
Oh, my God.
945
00:49:59,079 --> 00:50:00,535
You're sick,
I gotta protect you.
946
00:50:00,623 --> 00:50:02,534
Just leave me alone, kid.
(MAN WHISTLING)
947
00:50:03,667 --> 00:50:04,748
Oh, great.
948
00:50:05,336 --> 00:50:06,497
(WADE COUGHS)
949
00:50:06,587 --> 00:50:09,079
Well, hello there, new fish.
950
00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:12,086
It's nice to see some
fresh faces around here.
951
00:50:12,259 --> 00:50:14,466
(COUGHS) I've done some
light catalog work...
952
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:17,011
but, really, modeling is just
a stepping stone to acting.
953
00:50:17,097 --> 00:50:19,008
I was talking to him.
Oh.
954
00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:22,926
Have we met?
I can't place your mustache.
955
00:50:23,354 --> 00:50:25,971
Black Tom Cassidy.
White Wade Wilson.
956
00:50:26,065 --> 00:50:29,183
What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?
957
00:50:29,527 --> 00:50:32,064
You're supposed to be
the toughest cunt in here.
958
00:50:32,154 --> 00:50:33,815
You don't look like much to me.
959
00:50:34,740 --> 00:50:37,152
First rule of the yard,
fuckface...
960
00:50:37,243 --> 00:50:38,825
find the biggest guy
and make him your...
961
00:50:39,328 --> 00:50:41,285
(GROANS)
(INMATES EXCLAIM)
962
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:45,285
Second biggest guy.
963
00:50:45,376 --> 00:50:47,617
The last thing I need
is more hepatitis.
964
00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:51,371
Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down!
965
00:50:51,465 --> 00:50:52,796
Can we get a wipe down
on the table?
966
00:50:53,342 --> 00:50:54,503
(GROANS)
(INMATES EXCLAIM)
967
00:50:54,593 --> 00:50:56,209
Kid, I think you picked
the wrong side.
968
00:50:56,887 --> 00:50:59,174
No, I didn't!
He's my friend!
969
00:50:59,265 --> 00:51:01,506
Zip it. We're not friends.
(INMATES CHEERING)
970
00:51:03,227 --> 00:51:04,308
You're about to get
dick-slapped.
971
00:51:05,479 --> 00:51:07,937
(INMATES SHOUTING)
(COUGHS)
972
00:51:09,441 --> 00:51:11,023
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
973
00:51:16,865 --> 00:51:18,572
I had so much fun!
You were like... (GRUNTS)
974
00:51:18,659 --> 00:51:20,696
And I was like,
"Take a seat, shit dick."
975
00:51:20,786 --> 00:51:21,901
Just let me die in peace.
976
00:51:22,580 --> 00:51:24,321
(GRUNTS)
We make a great team!
977
00:51:24,748 --> 00:51:27,285
Oh, God! We're not a team.
(COUGHING)
978
00:51:27,376 --> 00:51:31,665
Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.
979
00:51:31,755 --> 00:51:34,167
We're not partners or friends.
980
00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:37,630
This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.
981
00:51:37,720 --> 00:51:39,882
It ends with me
dying of cancer...
982
00:51:39,972 --> 00:51:43,510
and you winning the Ice Box
award for softest mouth.
983
00:51:43,851 --> 00:51:45,182
(WADE COUGHS)
984
00:51:45,269 --> 00:51:46,805
There's only one person
in this world
985
00:51:46,895 --> 00:51:48,681
that I care about,
and she's gone.
986
00:51:50,482 --> 00:51:52,473
You wanna survive?
987
00:51:53,694 --> 00:51:56,982
Stop trying to shank
the biggest guys in here...
988
00:51:57,072 --> 00:51:58,938
and make friends with them.
989
00:52:00,242 --> 00:52:01,824
Make friends with someone.
990
00:52:03,078 --> 00:52:04,660
Anyone but me.
991
00:52:05,831 --> 00:52:08,163
Maybe even Black Tim.
992
00:52:09,084 --> 00:52:10,620
Black Evan, I don't know.
993
00:52:10,711 --> 00:52:13,203
All I remember is
he was African-American.
994
00:52:24,058 --> 00:52:25,719
(GUARDS GROANING)
995
00:52:32,441 --> 00:52:33,772
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(ALARM BLARING)
996
00:52:40,866 --> 00:52:42,698
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
997
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:49,830
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
998
00:52:51,210 --> 00:52:52,871
(GUARDS GROANING)
999
00:52:58,676 --> 00:53:00,713
AUTOMATED VOICE: (ON PA)
System malfunctioning.
1000
00:53:00,803 --> 00:53:04,137
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
1001
00:53:04,223 --> 00:53:06,430
Back in your cells, you filthy
mutants! Get in there!
1002
00:53:06,517 --> 00:53:09,805
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.
1003
00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,386
(BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Searching.
1004
00:53:13,941 --> 00:53:16,308
Cell 04 located.
1005
00:53:17,695 --> 00:53:19,311
Door won't open!
1006
00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:21,479
GUARD: On your fucking knees!
1007
00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:25,570
(ALL GRUNTING)
1008
00:53:58,444 --> 00:54:00,151
That was our cell.
1009
00:54:02,281 --> 00:54:04,522
What did I do to piss off
a grumpy old fucker
1010
00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:05,777
with a Winter Soldier arm?
1011
00:54:15,043 --> 00:54:16,954
Get away from me, kid!
1012
00:54:18,839 --> 00:54:20,045
(PRISONER GROANS)
1013
00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:21,755
(ALL GRUNTING)
1014
00:54:24,595 --> 00:54:25,801
Listen to me! Go!
1015
00:54:31,310 --> 00:54:32,596
Hello, Russell.
1016
00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:37,437
(COCKS GUN)
1017
00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:42,859
(GROANS)
1018
00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:45,730
(WADE GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
1019
00:54:47,284 --> 00:54:48,900
(GROANING)
1020
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:03,338
(GRUNTS)
1021
00:55:13,310 --> 00:55:15,677
(GUARDS GROANING)
1022
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,706
(GROANING)
1023
00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:42,919
(ALL GRUNTING)
1024
00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:52,713
(GROANS)
1025
00:55:52,808 --> 00:55:54,264
(GASPS)
1026
00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:55,932
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
1027
00:55:56,019 --> 00:55:58,056
I don't bargain.
1028
00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:04,187
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
1029
00:56:07,114 --> 00:56:08,650
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1030
00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:17,196
Who are you?
1031
00:56:18,083 --> 00:56:19,323
I'm Batman.
1032
00:56:28,677 --> 00:56:29,758
(GASPS)
1033
00:56:30,762 --> 00:56:31,797
Ooh!
1034
00:56:32,764 --> 00:56:33,845
(GRUNTS)
1035
00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:39,427
Oh. That's got some zip.
1036
00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:50,734
Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.
1037
00:56:51,450 --> 00:56:52,485
Talk!
1038
00:56:53,035 --> 00:56:54,776
What kind of
spineless shit stick
1039
00:56:54,870 --> 00:56:56,235
tries to kill a 14-year-old boy?
1040
00:56:57,539 --> 00:56:58,700
You might wanna start talking!
1041
00:56:58,790 --> 00:57:01,202
'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!
1042
00:57:02,711 --> 00:57:04,201
The name's Cable.
1043
00:57:04,755 --> 00:57:07,417
I'm from the future.
Just walk away.
1044
00:57:08,091 --> 00:57:09,377
Oh!
1045
00:57:09,468 --> 00:57:10,924
So, you're from the future.
1046
00:57:11,470 --> 00:57:13,302
I have three questions then.
1047
00:57:13,472 --> 00:57:16,635
One, is dubstep still a thing?
1048
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:19,558
Two, do people still homebrew?
1049
00:57:19,645 --> 00:57:22,228
And three,
does Dopinder ever find love?
1050
00:57:31,323 --> 00:57:32,813
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1051
00:57:45,837 --> 00:57:47,669
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1052
00:57:50,008 --> 00:57:53,376
(SHOUTING)
(CHOKING)
1053
00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:57,637
(SCREAMING)
1054
00:58:02,270 --> 00:58:03,977
(GROANING)
1055
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:08,107
Dubstep's for pussies.
1056
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:09,354
You're so dark!
1057
00:58:09,444 --> 00:58:11,651
Are you sure you're not
from the DC universe?
1058
00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:13,896
I love dubstep!
1059
00:58:13,991 --> 00:58:16,153
(DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING)
1060
00:58:24,501 --> 00:58:26,208
- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)
1061
00:58:38,724 --> 00:58:40,135
(GROANS)
1062
00:58:40,225 --> 00:58:41,636
WADE: Is that a fanny pack?
1063
00:58:41,727 --> 00:58:44,310
I used to have one of those
in 1990-never.
1064
00:58:45,272 --> 00:58:47,354
Something to remember you by.
1065
00:58:47,441 --> 00:58:51,150
Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.
1066
00:58:51,236 --> 00:58:53,603
Like the memory
of your fucking fanny pack!
1067
00:58:59,077 --> 00:59:00,112
(GROANING)
1068
00:59:03,331 --> 00:59:05,413
Why are you protecting the kid?
1069
00:59:05,500 --> 00:59:06,661
(LAUGHS)
1070
00:59:06,752 --> 00:59:08,663
I don't give a fuck about him...
1071
00:59:09,087 --> 00:59:11,499
and his Are You My Mother?
complex!
1072
00:59:13,842 --> 00:59:15,082
What's this one do?
1073
00:59:16,470 --> 00:59:18,427
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1074
00:59:27,522 --> 00:59:29,183
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
1075
00:59:29,274 --> 00:59:30,856
WADE: In every film,
there's a moment
1076
00:59:30,942 --> 00:59:33,274
when the hero hits rock bottom.
1077
00:59:33,361 --> 00:59:35,272
In Cool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's
1078
00:59:35,363 --> 00:59:36,649
prized bobs/ed broke.
1079
00:59:37,365 --> 00:59:40,073
In Human Centipede,
it was when those people...
1080
00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:41,696
signed on to be in that movie.
1081
00:59:41,787 --> 00:59:43,243
But in this film, well...
1082
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:45,116
you're looking at it.
1083
00:59:45,207 --> 00:59:46,948
GUARD:
On your fucking knees, mutant.
1084
00:59:47,793 --> 00:59:49,204
(GROANING)
1085
00:59:49,878 --> 00:59:50,868
WADE: Rock...
1086
00:59:54,925 --> 00:59:56,415
meet bottom.
1087
01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,256
(INDISTINCT VOICES ECHOING)
1088
01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:08,185
VANESSA:
I love you, Wade Wilson.
1089
01:00:08,271 --> 01:00:09,477
Ness?
1090
01:00:10,524 --> 01:00:11,980
Hey, Ness!
1091
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:14,645
Ness, can you let me in?
1092
01:00:14,736 --> 01:00:16,818
Please! Please.
1093
01:00:18,990 --> 01:00:20,071
Jesus.
1094
01:00:20,158 --> 01:00:21,148
(SIGHS)
1095
01:00:23,036 --> 01:00:24,743
You're not giving me
a lot of direction here.
1096
01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:26,616
I'm at the end of my rope.
1097
01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:28,117
(TIMER TICKING)
1098
01:00:29,126 --> 01:00:31,367
Then I joined the X-Men.
1099
01:00:31,545 --> 01:00:33,377
I went to prison. I, uh...
1100
01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:38,957
Is it the kid?
1101
01:00:41,012 --> 01:00:43,925
Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.
1102
01:00:45,350 --> 01:00:46,340
The kid!
(TIMER DINGS)
1103
01:00:49,855 --> 01:00:51,345
(GASPING)
1104
01:00:53,984 --> 01:00:55,566
(WHEEZING)
1105
01:01:00,407 --> 01:01:01,693
That's exactly what she meant.
1106
01:01:01,783 --> 01:01:02,944
Your heart needs to be
in the right place.
1107
01:01:03,076 --> 01:01:04,908
I'm not gonna abandon this kid.
1108
01:01:04,995 --> 01:01:07,578
He's never had anyone, ever.
1109
01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:08,950
I need to be selfless.
1110
01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:10,951
Yeah, but what does that mean?
1111
01:01:11,042 --> 01:01:14,160
It means I'm gonna save Russell.
1112
01:01:14,337 --> 01:01:15,827
Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa...
1113
01:01:15,922 --> 01:01:18,880
but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.
1114
01:01:18,967 --> 01:01:20,958
Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world "selfless."
1115
01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:22,463
I literally don't know
what that means.
1116
01:01:22,637 --> 01:01:23,752
Jesus Christ.
1117
01:01:23,847 --> 01:01:26,555
Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay...
1118
01:01:26,641 --> 01:01:28,382
those muties
are being transferred
1119
01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:30,262
to a supermax, 80 miles away.
1120
01:01:30,353 --> 01:01:32,139
Great, I'll pick 'em off
along the way.
1121
01:01:32,230 --> 01:01:34,346
Hold your testicles there,
buddy, okay?
1122
01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:36,398
We're talking about
an armored convoy...
1123
01:01:36,484 --> 01:01:39,067
and a vicious super soldier
from the future...
1124
01:01:39,154 --> 01:01:41,486
that is looking to turn your
skull into a fuckable ashtray.
1125
01:01:41,573 --> 01:01:42,984
You know what we need to do?
1126
01:01:43,074 --> 01:01:44,815
We need to build a fucking team.
1127
01:01:44,993 --> 01:01:47,030
We need 'em tough,
morally flexible...
1128
01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:48,485
and young enough
so they can carry
1129
01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:49,695
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
1130
01:01:49,789 --> 01:01:51,621
A team of
highly-skilled motherfuckers.
1131
01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:54,700
I'm talking about some
Ocean's 14 shit. Rogue Two.
1132
01:01:54,794 --> 01:01:57,161
John Wick 3, but with
the original director.
1133
01:01:57,255 --> 01:01:59,121
DOPINDER: My body is an
instrument of death.
1134
01:01:59,216 --> 01:02:00,547
Not now, Dopinder.
1135
01:02:00,634 --> 01:02:02,045
I could be of great use.
1136
01:02:02,135 --> 01:02:03,717
What's your superpower?
1137
01:02:05,513 --> 01:02:07,129
Courage.
That's adorable.
1138
01:02:07,224 --> 01:02:08,840
Do you have the courage
to check and see...
1139
01:02:08,934 --> 01:02:11,266
if there are enough sanitary
napkins in the dispenser?
1140
01:02:11,353 --> 01:02:12,343
Yes, sir.
1141
01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:13,677
I'm sorry you had to see that,
1142
01:02:13,772 --> 01:02:15,262
although I'm glad you heard it.
1143
01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:18,015
All right, I'll put out
a call for resumes.
1144
01:02:18,109 --> 01:02:20,316
But we're not paying
medical or dental.
1145
01:02:20,403 --> 01:02:22,440
It's time to get back
on Linkedln.
1146
01:02:32,290 --> 01:02:33,746
(EXHALES)
1147
01:02:43,551 --> 01:02:45,542
(CHILD SINGING)
1148
01:02:59,317 --> 01:03:00,853
GUARD: (ON PA)
Attention, all inmates!
1149
01:03:01,027 --> 01:03:03,394
Transport to Cross Force
Maximum Security
1150
01:03:03,488 --> 01:03:04,853
Mutant Containment Facility...
1151
01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:06,863
will begin at 0800 hours.
1152
01:03:07,033 --> 01:03:08,990
Inspection of your cells
and out processing
1153
01:03:09,077 --> 01:03:11,114
will begin at 0600.
1154
01:03:19,421 --> 01:03:20,411
BLACK TOM: Oi.
1155
01:03:20,547 --> 01:03:21,878
MUTANT: What the fuck
do you want?
1156
01:03:21,965 --> 01:03:23,751
That's my fucking pudding.
1157
01:03:23,842 --> 01:03:25,128
Fuck your pudding!
You like pudding?
1158
01:03:25,885 --> 01:03:27,626
- (GRUNTS)
- (PRISONERS CLAMORING)
1159
01:03:28,430 --> 01:03:30,137
(ALARM BLARING)
1160
01:03:46,865 --> 01:03:47,855
Hello?
1161
01:03:50,160 --> 01:03:52,492
I know you're in there.
1162
01:04:08,178 --> 01:04:10,465
Must be hard
being the biggest guy in here.
1163
01:04:11,765 --> 01:04:14,006
Lonely at the top, eh?
1164
01:04:14,100 --> 01:04:16,057
They're moving us tomorrow.
1165
01:04:18,521 --> 01:04:20,307
Maybe I can get you out of here.
1166
01:04:21,524 --> 01:04:24,687
And we can make
the whole world our bitch.
1167
01:04:26,529 --> 01:04:28,270
We need a secret code.
1168
01:04:30,241 --> 01:04:31,231
(IMITATES BIRD CALL)
1169
01:04:31,326 --> 01:04:33,943
(SOFTLY) No,
that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
1170
01:04:36,122 --> 01:04:38,033
(RHYTHMIC BANGING)
1171
01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:39,990
(RHYTHMIC BANGING IN RESPONSE)
1172
01:04:41,211 --> 01:04:42,701
We're a team.
1173
01:04:42,796 --> 01:04:44,707
We're like thugs,
we're like gangsters.
1174
01:04:44,798 --> 01:04:46,755
I'm like Tupac,
and you're like Ice Cube.
1175
01:04:48,468 --> 01:04:49,503
WEASEL: Supposedly,
she can rap, too.
1176
01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:50,675
DEADPOOL: Yeah.
1177
01:04:50,762 --> 01:04:51,752
I like that.
1178
01:04:51,846 --> 01:04:53,257
Terrific,
these are all terrific.
1179
01:04:53,515 --> 01:04:55,222
Meet Bedlam.
1180
01:04:55,308 --> 01:04:57,470
Cool name! Superpowers?
1181
01:04:57,602 --> 01:04:59,092
I can distort electrical fields.
1182
01:04:59,187 --> 01:05:00,268
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
1183
01:05:00,355 --> 01:05:02,517
Including the one
inside your brain...
1184
01:05:02,607 --> 01:05:05,269
causing anxiety, confusion...
1185
01:05:05,360 --> 01:05:06,441
pain.
1186
01:05:07,404 --> 01:05:09,441
So, basically,
you're Dave Matthews.
1187
01:05:09,531 --> 01:05:10,692
We can use him.
1188
01:05:12,450 --> 01:05:13,986
I'm Zeitgeist.
1189
01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:15,400
Cool. I like it.
1190
01:05:15,495 --> 01:05:16,735
So you have the power
1191
01:05:16,830 --> 01:05:19,162
to put your finger
on the pulse of society?
1192
01:05:20,208 --> 01:05:21,323
(STAMMERS) No.
1193
01:05:21,418 --> 01:05:22,954
No, I spit acidic vomit.
(SNIFFS)
1194
01:05:23,044 --> 01:05:24,125
- Oh.
- Do you want me
1195
01:05:24,212 --> 01:05:25,543
- to demonstrate?
- DEADPOOL: No!
1196
01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:26,961
WEASEL: We'll take
your word for it.
1197
01:05:27,048 --> 01:05:28,504
Thank you. Yeah. Listen,
we've all eaten at Arby's, okay?
1198
01:05:29,342 --> 01:05:31,959
And this is the Vanisher.
1199
01:05:35,306 --> 01:05:36,296
But...
1200
01:05:37,475 --> 01:05:38,931
Vanisher!
1201
01:05:39,018 --> 01:05:40,554
(LAUGHS)
1202
01:05:41,479 --> 01:05:43,140
- Nice!
- Right?
1203
01:05:44,441 --> 01:05:45,522
He's not here, is he?
1204
01:05:45,608 --> 01:05:47,144
He may be running late.
1205
01:05:48,736 --> 01:05:51,194
My name's Rusty,
but I go by Shatterstar.
1206
01:05:51,614 --> 01:05:52,820
BOTH: That's good, yeah.
1207
01:05:52,907 --> 01:05:54,989
- "Rusty" is terrible.
- Toughie.
1208
01:05:55,076 --> 01:05:57,784
- So, uh, where are you from?
- The planet Mojo World.
1209
01:05:57,954 --> 01:05:59,945
- So you're an alien, I guess.
- Bad name.
1210
01:06:00,039 --> 01:06:01,655
How does that, uh, help us?
1211
01:06:01,749 --> 01:06:04,537
I'm basically better
than you at everything.
1212
01:06:04,711 --> 01:06:06,372
Just once, I'm gonna find
a planet of people
1213
01:06:06,463 --> 01:06:07,999
that are worse than me
at everything.
1214
01:06:08,089 --> 01:06:10,251
A whole bunch
of functional idiots.
1215
01:06:10,341 --> 01:06:12,207
I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.
1216
01:06:12,302 --> 01:06:13,383
Isn't that Canada?
1217
01:06:13,470 --> 01:06:15,882
You shut your
goddamn trash mouth!
1218
01:06:17,056 --> 01:06:18,512
WEASEL: Meet... Domino.
1219
01:06:18,600 --> 01:06:20,307
- DEADPOOL: What's your shtick?
- I'm lucky.
1220
01:06:20,685 --> 01:06:21,675
That's not a superpower.
1221
01:06:22,145 --> 01:06:23,135
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1222
01:06:23,313 --> 01:06:24,519
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1223
01:06:24,606 --> 01:06:25,596
- Yeah, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1224
01:06:25,690 --> 01:06:26,680
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
1225
01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:27,764
- Yeah, it is.
- Really isn't.
1226
01:06:27,859 --> 01:06:28,940
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
1227
01:06:29,110 --> 01:06:30,100
Told you.
1228
01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:31,526
Get out of my head!
1229
01:06:31,696 --> 01:06:33,278
I'm not in your head.
1230
01:06:33,364 --> 01:06:34,570
I'm in an 11-year-old's bedroom.
1231
01:06:34,741 --> 01:06:35,856
Well, if you're so lucky,
1232
01:06:35,950 --> 01:06:37,486
then what are you
doing here with us?
1233
01:06:37,577 --> 01:06:38,658
I don't know yet.
1234
01:06:38,745 --> 01:06:39,735
What's that supposed to mean?
1235
01:06:39,829 --> 01:06:41,536
There's a reason why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.
1236
01:06:41,623 --> 01:06:43,364
Everything usually
just kind of works out for me.
1237
01:06:43,458 --> 01:06:45,290
Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds.
1238
01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:47,667
I don't know who that is.
1239
01:06:47,754 --> 01:06:48,915
DEADPOOL: You're hired.
1240
01:06:49,297 --> 01:06:50,287
Lucky me.
1241
01:06:50,381 --> 01:06:51,587
DEADPOOL: I like her!
1242
01:06:52,717 --> 01:06:54,003
And last, but not least...
1243
01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:55,208
Peter.
1244
01:06:56,596 --> 01:06:58,553
Am I getting
catfished here or...?
1245
01:06:59,182 --> 01:07:01,048
Any powers you wanna
tell us about?
1246
01:07:01,142 --> 01:07:02,223
PETER; No.
1247
01:07:02,769 --> 01:07:04,430
I don't have one.
1248
01:07:04,521 --> 01:07:05,807
Um, I just saw the ad.
1249
01:07:05,897 --> 01:07:07,604
No superpowers at all?
1250
01:07:07,690 --> 01:07:10,808
Uh, I have both
Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.
1251
01:07:11,319 --> 01:07:12,605
OW! Oh!
1252
01:07:12,695 --> 01:07:13,810
That's all the diabetes.
1253
01:07:13,905 --> 01:07:15,145
- Right?
- Yeah, you got 'em all.
1254
01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:17,151
If you find a Type 3,
let us know.
1255
01:07:17,659 --> 01:07:18,649
Yeah.
1256
01:07:18,743 --> 01:07:19,824
You're in.
1257
01:07:19,911 --> 01:07:21,401
- Yeah.
- Fuck!
1258
01:07:23,790 --> 01:07:25,201
It's fulfilling work.
1259
01:07:30,296 --> 01:07:31,582
GUARD: Let's go!
1260
01:07:45,228 --> 01:07:47,765
GUARD: This is Convoy 17
departing the Ice Box.
1261
01:07:47,855 --> 01:07:49,220
We are en route.
1262
01:07:56,823 --> 01:07:59,190
CABLE:
Peacetime makes people soft.
1263
01:08:00,785 --> 01:08:02,571
I was born into war.
1264
01:08:04,122 --> 01:08:05,283
Bred into it.
1265
01:08:06,416 --> 01:08:07,406
Okay-
1266
01:08:08,251 --> 01:08:10,583
What's the most pain
you've ever felt?
1267
01:08:12,547 --> 01:08:13,753
These restraints are pretty...
1268
01:08:13,840 --> 01:08:15,251
People think
they understand pain.
1269
01:08:15,758 --> 01:08:17,169
They have no concept of it
1270
01:08:17,260 --> 01:08:19,217
beyond their own
worst experience.
1271
01:08:20,805 --> 01:08:23,968
5 years old. That's what?
1272
01:08:24,058 --> 01:08:25,548
A bee sting.
1273
01:08:25,643 --> 01:08:26,724
Oh, yeah.
1274
01:08:26,811 --> 01:08:29,303
20 years old, shrapnel.
1275
01:08:29,397 --> 01:08:31,684
40 years old, disease.
1276
01:08:32,150 --> 01:08:36,644
Maybe the kind that leaves you
more machine than man.
1277
01:08:36,738 --> 01:08:38,103
Yeah, getting old's
not for sissies.
1278
01:08:38,197 --> 01:08:39,779
That's what my
Grandma Ginny used to...
1279
01:08:39,866 --> 01:08:41,072
I've got a list.
1280
01:08:41,826 --> 01:08:43,783
We're gonna work down it.
1281
01:08:44,495 --> 01:08:45,485
Together.
1282
01:08:46,664 --> 01:08:48,780
Number one,
I'm gonna bend something.
1283
01:08:49,751 --> 01:08:52,038
Something that was not
meant to bend.
1284
01:08:52,128 --> 01:08:53,163
I'm gonna stop you right there
1285
01:08:53,254 --> 01:08:54,540
because I'm not gonna
make it to two.
1286
01:08:54,631 --> 01:08:55,917
I won't even make it to one.
1287
01:08:56,007 --> 01:08:57,668
I don't do well with pain,
you know.
1288
01:08:57,759 --> 01:08:59,875
If I stub my toe,
I'm done for the day.
1289
01:09:00,178 --> 01:09:02,169
I cried when they
canceled Felicity.
1290
01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:04,383
When I get really scared,
I get nervous erections.
1291
01:09:04,474 --> 01:09:05,805
I have one right now.
1292
01:09:05,892 --> 01:09:07,428
Don't look.
It'll only make it worse.
1293
01:09:07,518 --> 01:09:08,553
I don't want you to hurt me,
1294
01:09:08,645 --> 01:09:10,886
and I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.
1295
01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:13,472
Except for where they are.
1296
01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:15,273
Russell's in a convoy
heading southbound
1297
01:09:15,360 --> 01:09:16,566
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
1298
01:09:16,653 --> 01:09:18,064
The monster's with them.
I wouldn't fuck with him.
1299
01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:19,565
DEADPOOL: You all know the plan.
1300
01:09:19,656 --> 01:09:21,363
Intercept the convoy,
1301
01:09:21,449 --> 01:09:23,406
grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!
1302
01:09:23,493 --> 01:09:24,483
WEASEL: You know what,
1303
01:09:24,577 --> 01:09:25,658
I wouldn't fuck with
Deadpool either.
1304
01:09:25,745 --> 01:09:28,533
Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.
1305
01:09:28,623 --> 01:09:31,285
He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.
1306
01:09:31,376 --> 01:09:33,959
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
1307
01:09:34,045 --> 01:09:37,163
He's very short, 5'11".
Not like in the comics.
1308
01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,002
And if we succeed,
we all go home early.
1309
01:09:40,468 --> 01:09:42,254
WEASEL: So if you go after
them, Cable, I warn you...
1310
01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:44,844
there's a wind advisory
in effect.
1311
01:09:49,519 --> 01:09:51,226
(WIND HOWLING)
1312
01:09:56,192 --> 01:09:57,774
PILOT: (ON PA)
A little turbulent up here.
1313
01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:06,942
I don't know much
about this Cable fella...
1314
01:10:07,036 --> 01:10:08,367
but I guarantee he hasn't killed
1315
01:10:08,454 --> 01:10:10,195
as many people as melanoma has.
1316
01:10:11,582 --> 01:10:12,663
We're getting close!
1317
01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:14,658
As a former X-Man...
1318
01:10:14,752 --> 01:10:16,618
- Trainee.
- Thank you, Bedlam.
1319
01:10:16,713 --> 01:10:19,045
I was always appalled
by the blatant sexism
1320
01:10:19,132 --> 01:10:20,668
in the group's name.
1321
01:10:20,758 --> 01:10:22,749
X-Men! Men!
1322
01:10:22,844 --> 01:10:25,802
The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.
1323
01:10:25,888 --> 01:10:27,174
Gender neutral.
1324
01:10:27,265 --> 01:10:29,552
From now on,
we'll be known as...
1325
01:10:31,811 --> 01:10:33,142
X-Force.
1326
01:10:33,229 --> 01:10:34,936
Isn't that a little derivative?
1327
01:10:35,022 --> 01:10:37,434
I don't recall asking
your opinion, Peter!
1328
01:10:38,693 --> 01:10:40,149
That wasn't me.
1329
01:10:47,201 --> 01:10:49,488
Hang the laundry out
at 1,300 feet...
1330
01:10:49,579 --> 01:10:51,365
intercept the convoy,
and grab the boy.
1331
01:10:51,456 --> 01:10:52,491
Let's bring on
the carnage, baby!
1332
01:10:52,582 --> 01:10:54,414
Get me on the ground,
watch me go!
1333
01:10:54,500 --> 01:10:55,490
ALL: Yeah!
1334
01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:57,326
(ALL WHOOPING)
I can't wait to kill!
1335
01:10:57,420 --> 01:10:59,081
Hey! Hey! Hey!
1336
01:11:00,214 --> 01:11:02,000
I just wanna say
how proud I am of this team.
1337
01:11:02,925 --> 01:11:05,758
You know, you guys look amazing!
1338
01:11:05,845 --> 01:11:08,678
Vanisher, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.
1339
01:11:08,765 --> 01:11:09,800
This is the family
1340
01:11:09,891 --> 01:11:11,347
that I've always dreamed
of having and I...
1341
01:11:12,393 --> 01:11:13,428
Ah, shit.
1342
01:11:13,519 --> 01:11:14,600
(SNIFFLES)
1343
01:11:15,062 --> 01:11:16,723
I just get a little choked up
sometimes.
1344
01:11:16,814 --> 01:11:18,600
I hate to interrupt,
but is anybody nervous
1345
01:11:18,691 --> 01:11:20,022
about the high winds?
1346
01:11:20,109 --> 01:11:21,395
- Gary.
- My name's Peter.
1347
01:11:21,486 --> 01:11:23,352
I realize that you're
new to this, but relax.
1348
01:11:23,446 --> 01:11:24,857
You've been chosen
by a higher power.
1349
01:11:25,156 --> 01:11:27,397
Did he just call himself God?
I think he did.
1350
01:11:27,492 --> 01:11:29,028
I'd like to go home.
And I'd like...
1351
01:11:29,118 --> 01:11:31,576
the McRib to be available
year round,
1352
01:11:31,662 --> 01:11:33,448
but sometimes dreams
don't come true.
1353
01:11:33,539 --> 01:11:35,655
I spent 10 years
in Special Forces.
1354
01:11:35,750 --> 01:11:36,831
You think we didn't
jump out of the plane
1355
01:11:36,918 --> 01:11:38,283
because of a light breeze?
1356
01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:41,161
You're in this shit now,
Mustache!
1357
01:11:41,255 --> 01:11:43,166
(WHISPERS) I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.
1358
01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:45,168
I'd never let anything
happen to you, Sugarbear.
1359
01:11:45,635 --> 01:11:47,751
Leonard, hit it!
1360
01:11:47,845 --> 01:11:49,677
(ALARM BLARING)
(THUNDERSTRUCK PLAYING)
1361
01:11:56,521 --> 01:11:58,558
Go! Go! Go!
1362
01:12:01,609 --> 01:12:03,099
(MAN SINGING)
1363
01:12:34,267 --> 01:12:35,632
Let's get some!
1364
01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:36,841
Whoo!
1365
01:12:36,936 --> 01:12:38,051
Oh. yeah!
1366
01:12:38,145 --> 01:12:40,978
Convoy, 12 o'clock!
On my command!
1367
01:12:42,024 --> 01:12:43,480
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
1368
01:12:43,568 --> 01:12:44,808
Whoa!
1369
01:12:50,074 --> 01:12:51,985
Little off course here.
1370
01:12:53,077 --> 01:12:54,067
(GROANS)
1371
01:12:54,161 --> 01:12:56,994
Holy mommy fucking shit!
1372
01:12:57,748 --> 01:12:59,159
Ah, there they are.
1373
01:12:59,250 --> 01:13:02,333
Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches. (BLOWS KISS)
1374
01:13:02,879 --> 01:13:04,790
Oh, yeah!
That's right, Bedlam!
1375
01:13:06,424 --> 01:13:07,914
(BEDLAM GRUNTS)
(ALL GASP)
1376
01:13:08,009 --> 01:13:09,170
(GASPING DRAMATICALLY)
1377
01:13:09,886 --> 01:13:13,800
No! Tripping
motherfucking billies!
1378
01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:17,306
Shatterstar.
Okay, you got this.
1379
01:13:18,060 --> 01:13:20,472
Left!
1380
01:13:20,563 --> 01:13:22,770
You'd have to be insane
to take off in this.
1381
01:13:22,857 --> 01:13:25,064
No, stage left, you idiot!
1382
01:13:25,818 --> 01:13:27,354
(GASPS)
1383
01:13:28,988 --> 01:13:30,478
Well, I guess we found something
1384
01:13:30,573 --> 01:13:31,654
you're not better at.
1385
01:13:33,868 --> 01:13:35,154
Vanisher.
1386
01:13:35,244 --> 01:13:36,985
Maybe the wind can't blow
what it can't see.
1387
01:13:38,539 --> 01:13:40,029
(GRUNTING)
1388
01:13:40,124 --> 01:13:41,535
on! Really?
1389
01:13:41,626 --> 01:13:43,412
All right,
we could do this with four.
1390
01:13:44,003 --> 01:13:46,961
Sugarbear.
You got this, buddy!
1391
01:13:47,048 --> 01:13:49,164
That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!
1392
01:13:50,384 --> 01:13:52,421
Never underestimate
a man with a mustache!
1393
01:13:52,511 --> 01:13:54,001
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
1394
01:13:54,096 --> 01:13:55,257
(WHOOPS) We did it!
1395
01:13:55,348 --> 01:13:56,838
You're a goddamn superhero, you!
1396
01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:58,014
X-Force!
1397
01:13:58,643 --> 01:13:59,724
X-Force.
1398
01:14:01,938 --> 01:14:02,928
(SCREAMING)
1399
01:14:03,022 --> 01:14:04,012
(WOOD CHIPPER WHIRRING)
1400
01:14:04,106 --> 01:14:05,972
- (GASPS)
- Oh!
1401
01:14:06,984 --> 01:14:08,099
(EXHALES)
1402
01:14:09,695 --> 01:14:10,685
Peter.
1403
01:14:10,780 --> 01:14:11,770
PETER: I got you, buddy!
1404
01:14:11,864 --> 01:14:12,899
- You're gonna be fine!
- This is not good, man!
1405
01:14:12,990 --> 01:14:15,607
You got this, big guy!
Here we go, Peter!
1406
01:14:15,701 --> 01:14:17,112
Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?
1407
01:14:17,203 --> 01:14:19,319
- Yeah, we're X-Force.
- We're X-Force.
1408
01:14:23,376 --> 01:14:25,367
Oh, my God!
What the fuck?
1409
01:14:25,461 --> 01:14:27,418
- Fucking acidic vomit!
- (SCREAMS)
1410
01:14:27,505 --> 01:14:28,916
(WHIRRING)
1411
01:14:29,006 --> 01:14:31,748
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up
in my mask.
1412
01:14:31,842 --> 01:14:33,082
(EXHALES)
1413
01:14:34,887 --> 01:14:37,254
DOMINO: Okay,
I'm over the convoy.
1414
01:14:37,348 --> 01:14:39,180
Where did the rest
of the team land?
1415
01:14:39,809 --> 01:14:41,425
Good news and bad news.
1416
01:14:41,519 --> 01:14:44,602
Bad news is
the whole team is dead.
1417
01:14:44,689 --> 01:14:45,770
The good news is,
1418
01:14:45,856 --> 01:14:47,813
I don't think anyone's
gonna miss Shatterstar.
1419
01:14:47,900 --> 01:14:51,188
He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul!
1420
01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:52,268
DOMINO: Peter!
1421
01:14:52,363 --> 01:14:53,774
Peter, I'm gonna miss him most.
1422
01:14:53,864 --> 01:14:54,945
But there is a slight chance
1423
01:14:55,032 --> 01:14:56,363
Vanisher could make it.
1424
01:14:56,450 --> 01:14:58,987
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Nope, no chance. He's dead.
1425
01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:00,239
DOMINO: The whole team?
1426
01:15:00,329 --> 01:15:02,115
Only the main ones.
We're still good.
1427
01:15:02,206 --> 01:15:03,446
Fuck, you are dumb.
1428
01:15:03,541 --> 01:15:05,123
Whoever planned this stunt's
1429
01:15:05,209 --> 01:15:07,371
been smoking a lot jazz cabbage.
1430
01:15:07,461 --> 01:15:08,542
I'll tell you that much.
1431
01:15:08,629 --> 01:15:10,245
That's pretty obvious!
1432
01:15:10,339 --> 01:15:12,046
Looking good, Vanisher.
1433
01:15:21,892 --> 01:15:23,758
They're headed into the tunnel.
1434
01:15:24,770 --> 01:15:26,181
I'm that kid's only hope,
1435
01:15:26,272 --> 01:15:28,138
so sit tight
and wait for my word.
1436
01:15:28,899 --> 01:15:29,889
DOMINO: Whatever.
1437
01:15:29,984 --> 01:15:31,145
We're gonna lose 'em.
I'm dropping in.
1438
01:15:31,235 --> 01:15:34,148
DEADPOOL: Uh, that's
a negative, sole survivor.
1439
01:15:34,238 --> 01:15:36,730
Luck is not a superpower!
We are so fucked!
1440
01:15:36,824 --> 01:15:39,862
No, we most certainly
are not fucked.
1441
01:15:39,952 --> 01:15:41,317
(CARS HORNS HONKING)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1442
01:15:42,997 --> 01:15:45,614
DEADPOOL: Seriously,
I don't get it!
1443
01:15:45,708 --> 01:15:48,166
What, you shoot luck lasers
out of your eyes?
1444
01:15:50,337 --> 01:15:52,123
It's just it's hard to picture.
1445
01:15:52,214 --> 01:15:54,330
And certainly
not very cinematic.
1446
01:15:57,011 --> 01:15:58,593
I mean, luck?
1447
01:15:58,679 --> 01:16:01,171
What coked out,
glass pipe-sucking
1448
01:16:01,265 --> 01:16:02,596
freakshow comic book artist...
1449
01:16:02,683 --> 01:16:04,265
came up
with that little chestnut?
1450
01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:06,638
Probably a guy
who can't draw feet!
1451
01:16:17,740 --> 01:16:20,983
Once again, it all falls
on my shoulders.
1452
01:16:21,077 --> 01:16:22,238
It's why I'm cursed to be
a solo act.
1453
01:16:22,328 --> 01:16:23,318
Wander the Earth...
I'm in.
1454
01:16:23,412 --> 01:16:24,868
I'm sorry, what did you say?
1455
01:16:24,955 --> 01:16:26,036
I'm in.
1456
01:16:26,123 --> 01:16:27,989
How in the fuck
are you in already?
1457
01:16:28,459 --> 01:16:29,699
Oh, shit.
1458
01:16:30,294 --> 01:16:31,500
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
1459
01:16:31,587 --> 01:16:32,622
DEADPOOL: Okay.
1460
01:16:32,713 --> 01:16:35,125
New plan. Use all of your
imaginary powers
1461
01:16:35,216 --> 01:16:37,924
to stop Cable
from killing that kid.
1462
01:16:38,010 --> 01:16:39,626
I'm coming up on your six.
1463
01:16:47,895 --> 01:16:49,886
That gun is amazing!
1464
01:16:49,980 --> 01:16:52,062
(GRUNTS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1465
01:16:59,073 --> 01:17:00,984
MAN: Hey!
Asshole!
1466
01:17:01,158 --> 01:17:02,740
DOMINO: Where is he?
I can't see him.
1467
01:17:02,827 --> 01:17:04,317
DEADPOOL: He's on top of you.
1468
01:17:04,620 --> 01:17:06,076
He's tearing you open!
1469
01:17:06,539 --> 01:17:07,950
He's going in through the back!
1470
01:17:08,499 --> 01:17:09,580
Oh, God, he's inside!
1471
01:17:09,667 --> 01:17:10,907
You hear yourself, right?
1472
01:17:11,001 --> 01:17:12,412
DEADPOOL:
Accidental double entendres!
1473
01:17:12,503 --> 01:17:14,961
Russell! Russell Collins!
1474
01:17:15,047 --> 01:17:16,958
DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid,
John Connor!
1475
01:17:21,971 --> 01:17:22,961
No, no, no!
1476
01:17:27,309 --> 01:17:28,424
Shit!
1477
01:17:29,145 --> 01:17:30,135
(PRISONER SCREAMING)
1478
01:17:32,064 --> 01:17:33,054
(GRUNTS)
1479
01:17:40,906 --> 01:17:41,896
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
1480
01:17:50,374 --> 01:17:52,285
DEADPOOL:
Two can play that game!
1481
01:17:54,420 --> 01:17:56,252
Got it! No, I don't.
1482
01:17:57,256 --> 01:17:58,246
Showtime, mama!
1483
01:17:58,340 --> 01:17:59,956
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
1484
01:18:08,267 --> 01:18:09,382
(GUN CLICKS)
1485
01:18:15,983 --> 01:18:16,973
(GROANS)
1486
01:18:33,459 --> 01:18:34,449
(HORNS HONKING)
1487
01:18:35,294 --> 01:18:36,284
(DOMINO GRUNTING)
1488
01:18:37,713 --> 01:18:39,454
I'd ask who you are, but
you'll be dead in a second.
1489
01:18:39,632 --> 01:18:41,669
I'm Domino, and doubtful.
1490
01:18:41,759 --> 01:18:43,215
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1491
01:18:58,275 --> 01:18:59,265
Hang in there, Doms!
1492
01:19:00,611 --> 01:19:02,227
Oh, this is really hard.
1493
01:19:02,321 --> 01:19:03,527
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1494
01:19:13,415 --> 01:19:14,405
(GUNSHOT)
1495
01:19:14,500 --> 01:19:15,911
And give me back
my Skee-Ball token.
1496
01:19:19,463 --> 01:19:20,999
You're doing great.
X-Force.
1497
01:19:22,967 --> 01:19:24,958
I guess dubstep never dies.
1498
01:19:25,052 --> 01:19:26,634
(BANGARANG PLAYING)
1499
01:19:29,265 --> 01:19:30,300
Whoo!
1500
01:19:31,517 --> 01:19:32,678
(LAUGHING)
1501
01:19:34,561 --> 01:19:35,847
(BLACK TOM GROANS)
1502
01:19:35,938 --> 01:19:36,928
(DEADPOOL GASPS)
1503
01:19:37,189 --> 01:19:39,977
You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a bitch!
1504
01:19:40,985 --> 01:19:42,020
(GROWLS)
1505
01:19:42,778 --> 01:19:43,893
That's unfortunate.
1506
01:19:47,032 --> 01:19:48,272
We got no brakes!
1507
01:19:48,450 --> 01:19:49,690
(STRAINING)
Figure it out!
1508
01:19:50,577 --> 01:19:51,863
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1509
01:19:54,081 --> 01:19:55,617
There's nothing I can't kill.
1510
01:19:58,419 --> 01:20:00,911
Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin
used to say...
1511
01:20:01,005 --> 01:20:03,337
"There's a first time
for everything, son."
1512
01:20:05,050 --> 01:20:06,632
Give me your best shot,
One-Eyed Willy.
1513
01:20:19,106 --> 01:20:20,688
(PANTING)
1514
01:20:21,483 --> 01:20:23,394
Those bullets were, like,
super fast.
1515
01:20:23,986 --> 01:20:24,976
Here we go.
1516
01:20:26,071 --> 01:20:28,278
Domino, mind slowing us down?
1517
01:20:28,365 --> 01:20:30,447
(SIGHS) Here goes nothing.
1518
01:20:30,534 --> 01:20:31,820
(HORN HONKING)
1519
01:20:33,704 --> 01:20:35,160
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1520
01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:39,990
(HONKING)
1521
01:21:01,648 --> 01:21:03,389
MAN: Knock, knock.
1522
01:21:09,948 --> 01:21:10,938
That's my boy.
1523
01:21:11,033 --> 01:21:12,319
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1524
01:21:17,373 --> 01:21:18,534
Holy...
1525
01:21:18,624 --> 01:21:19,614
(GRUNTS)
1526
01:21:23,462 --> 01:21:24,873
(ONLY TIME PLAYING)
1527
01:21:27,257 --> 01:21:28,747
(YELLING)
1528
01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:30,424
DEADPOOL:
I'll be first to admit...
1529
01:21:30,511 --> 01:21:32,878
this did not go
according to plan.
1530
01:21:34,223 --> 01:21:35,759
I'll also be the first
to admit that
1531
01:21:35,849 --> 01:21:37,681
that plan was written in crayon.
1532
01:21:37,768 --> 01:21:40,977
Looks like Russell found
a new friend. Jelly.
1533
01:21:41,063 --> 01:21:42,599
Turns out Domino's
a bit of a badass,
1534
01:21:42,689 --> 01:21:45,556
and maybe,
possibly mildly lucky.
1535
01:21:45,651 --> 01:21:48,894
But Cable? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.
1536
01:21:48,987 --> 01:21:50,148
(CHUCKLES) A mood that is
1537
01:21:50,239 --> 01:21:52,025
about to get
significantly worse.
1538
01:21:53,659 --> 01:21:54,694
(SQUEAKS)
1539
01:21:58,372 --> 01:21:59,487
(SIGHS)
1540
01:22:12,010 --> 01:22:13,842
(GROANS)
1541
01:22:15,806 --> 01:22:18,218
Something is so terribly,
terribly wrong.
1542
01:22:21,186 --> 01:22:22,642
Oh.
(NECK SNAPS)
1543
01:22:23,105 --> 01:22:24,345
(GROANS)
1544
01:22:24,440 --> 01:22:26,056
Oh, God, that hurt.
1545
01:22:26,150 --> 01:22:27,766
Suck it, Mel Gibson.
1546
01:22:28,318 --> 01:22:29,683
(GROANING)
1547
01:22:31,321 --> 01:22:32,402
Russell.
1548
01:22:35,117 --> 01:22:36,198
Russell!
1549
01:22:36,827 --> 01:22:38,909
Russ, where are ya?
1550
01:22:42,541 --> 01:22:44,623
Russell. Russell, you're okay!
1551
01:22:44,793 --> 01:22:47,956
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God!
1552
01:22:48,255 --> 01:22:49,461
Juggernaut!
1553
01:22:49,631 --> 01:22:50,712
(GASPS)
1554
01:22:50,799 --> 01:22:52,790
I thought that was you!
1555
01:22:52,885 --> 01:22:54,967
I should've worn my white pants.
1556
01:22:55,721 --> 01:22:58,713
You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.
1557
01:22:59,600 --> 01:23:02,888
Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411.
1558
01:23:02,978 --> 01:23:04,264
X-Men Unlimited 12.
1559
01:23:04,354 --> 01:23:06,436
You know, it has always been
a dream of mine...
1560
01:23:06,523 --> 01:23:08,264
to see my face
reflected in your helmet...
1561
01:23:08,358 --> 01:23:10,520
as you charge at me
with murderous intent.
1562
01:23:10,611 --> 01:23:12,101
I don't mean right now.
1563
01:23:12,446 --> 01:23:14,312
I'm gonna rip you in half now.
1564
01:23:14,406 --> 01:23:16,738
(LAUGHS) That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.
1565
01:23:16,825 --> 01:23:18,156
(DEADPOOL SCREAMING)
1566
01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:24,823
Oh, my God!
I can't feel my legs.
1567
01:23:24,917 --> 01:23:25,998
I can't feel...
1568
01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:28,450
Oh, no, they're right here.
1569
01:23:29,296 --> 01:23:31,037
Got 'em.
God, Russell.
1570
01:23:31,131 --> 01:23:32,963
I have a mission.
1571
01:23:33,509 --> 01:23:34,624
To get my revenge.
1572
01:23:35,135 --> 01:23:37,376
I'm going to burn
that headmaster alive.
1573
01:23:37,471 --> 01:23:39,633
You're not the revenge type.
1574
01:23:39,723 --> 01:23:40,884
Take it from a friend.
1575
01:23:41,308 --> 01:23:45,017
Friend? You were sick,
and I protected you.
1576
01:23:45,187 --> 01:23:47,303
You said it yourself.
1577
01:23:47,397 --> 01:23:50,059
"I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger."
1578
01:23:50,150 --> 01:23:51,356
So I did.
1579
01:23:51,610 --> 01:23:53,021
(GRUNTS)
1580
01:23:53,111 --> 01:23:55,148
Russell, I couldn't
protect you back then.
1581
01:23:55,322 --> 01:23:58,781
But I can now. What do you
want me to say, huh?
1582
01:23:59,368 --> 01:24:01,200
"I care about you"?
'Cause goddamn it,
1583
01:24:01,286 --> 01:24:03,118
I care about you, Russell.
1584
01:24:03,747 --> 01:24:05,829
What's Juggernaut got
that I don't have?
1585
01:24:05,916 --> 01:24:09,079
Don't you say legs!
I know you're gonna say legs!
1586
01:24:09,628 --> 01:24:12,416
Legs!
Still hurts to hear out loud!
1587
01:24:14,591 --> 01:24:17,504
What is that?
That's not a real rope!
1588
01:24:17,594 --> 01:24:19,926
You get back here, young man!
(SIRENS WAILING)
1589
01:24:20,889 --> 01:24:22,004
Doms!
1590
01:24:22,391 --> 01:24:24,553
Doms, get me
out of here, please.
1591
01:24:24,643 --> 01:24:27,055
Use my arms as backpack straps.
1592
01:24:29,773 --> 01:24:30,854
I think we may have found
1593
01:24:30,941 --> 01:24:32,727
your cosmic reason
for being here.
1594
01:24:33,151 --> 01:24:34,892
I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
1595
01:24:34,987 --> 01:24:36,227
DEADPOOL: X-Force.
1596
01:24:49,751 --> 01:24:51,537
BLIND AL: No child is hopeless.
1597
01:24:51,628 --> 01:24:54,416
- Don't give up on the boy.
- How could he just walk away?
1598
01:24:55,173 --> 01:24:57,414
It was the coldness in his eyes.
1599
01:24:57,884 --> 01:24:59,466
You should've heard it.
1600
01:25:00,262 --> 01:25:01,297
(WADE SIGHS)
1601
01:25:01,388 --> 01:25:03,675
I guess family
really is an F-word.
1602
01:25:04,600 --> 01:25:06,762
(GROANS) Rub my legs, Mama.
1603
01:25:06,852 --> 01:25:08,217
Why would I rub your legs?
1604
01:25:08,312 --> 01:25:10,895
Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.
1605
01:25:11,273 --> 01:25:12,604
(BLIND AL SIGHS)
1606
01:25:14,359 --> 01:25:15,565
What in the...
1607
01:25:16,069 --> 01:25:18,310
Why is your hand so tiny again?
1608
01:25:18,822 --> 01:25:20,187
That's not my hand.
1609
01:25:20,699 --> 01:25:22,531
Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph!
1610
01:25:23,118 --> 01:25:24,984
That was nice for me.
(DOOR OPENS)
1611
01:25:25,078 --> 01:25:27,820
Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and...
1612
01:25:27,914 --> 01:25:28,949
(GASPS)
1613
01:25:30,584 --> 01:25:31,665
(WEASEL RETCHES)
1614
01:25:32,336 --> 01:25:34,168
Why wouldn't you cover that up?
1615
01:25:34,671 --> 01:25:36,833
A warrior has nothing
to be ashamed of.
1616
01:25:36,923 --> 01:25:38,834
WEASEL: Yeah, but you do.
Look at you.
1617
01:25:38,925 --> 01:25:40,916
You're just
straight shirt-cocking it,
1618
01:25:41,011 --> 01:25:42,422
toddler-style.
1619
01:25:42,512 --> 01:25:44,423
Oh, yeah.
Full Winnie the Pooh.
1620
01:25:44,514 --> 01:25:46,471
The hell's happening?
Describe it.
1621
01:25:46,558 --> 01:25:47,764
I wouldn't ask him to do that,
if I were you.
1622
01:25:47,851 --> 01:25:49,433
- WEASEL: It's like, um...
- Here we go.
1623
01:25:49,519 --> 01:25:50,725
It's like he was
giving birth anally,
1624
01:25:50,812 --> 01:25:52,302
but they quit halfway through.
1625
01:25:52,397 --> 01:25:53,478
They got the legs out,
and they said,
1626
01:25:53,565 --> 01:25:54,896
"You know what, I'm done."
1627
01:25:54,983 --> 01:25:55,973
Happy?
1628
01:25:56,068 --> 01:25:57,103
It's like he's a Muppet
from the waist down.
1629
01:25:57,194 --> 01:25:58,525
But this time, you can see
1630
01:25:58,612 --> 01:26:00,023
the Muppet's dick.
(DOOR OPENS)
1631
01:26:00,113 --> 01:26:01,228
Grover's got a cock
the size of a twig.
1632
01:26:01,323 --> 01:26:02,609
DOPINDER: Mr. Weasel, I can
no longer be double-parked.
1633
01:26:02,699 --> 01:26:04,360
I've had three tickets
already. (SCREAMS)
1634
01:26:05,994 --> 01:26:08,452
No, no, no, DP, not again!
1635
01:26:08,789 --> 01:26:10,325
This has happened before?
(DOPINDER RETCHING)
1636
01:26:11,458 --> 01:26:12,869
(DOOR OPENS)
Jesus! Either vomit or don't.
1637
01:26:12,959 --> 01:26:14,245
The indecision is killing me.
1638
01:26:14,336 --> 01:26:16,202
Why couldn't God
take my hearing?
1639
01:26:17,798 --> 01:26:19,960
Oh. Wow!
1640
01:26:20,050 --> 01:26:21,666
Cool your pits.
They're growing back.
1641
01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:23,342
I'm talking about your face.
1642
01:26:23,762 --> 01:26:25,628
I've never seen you
without your mask before.
1643
01:26:25,722 --> 01:26:27,884
Jesus Christ!
Looks like an avocado.
1644
01:26:27,974 --> 01:26:29,590
DOMINO: Your legs, though,
they're cute.
1645
01:26:29,935 --> 01:26:31,721
You wanna borrow
a pair of pants?
1646
01:26:33,313 --> 01:26:34,849
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
1647
01:26:34,940 --> 01:26:37,227
You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.
1648
01:26:37,693 --> 01:26:39,275
I'll tell you why I'm here.
1649
01:26:39,361 --> 01:26:41,648
"The Time Traveler's Wife's"
husband“.
1650
01:26:41,738 --> 01:26:42,899
Beat me within
an inch of my life.
1651
01:26:42,989 --> 01:26:44,229
He was torturing me!
1652
01:26:44,324 --> 01:26:47,237
But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.
1653
01:26:47,327 --> 01:26:49,489
So, I'm here to help us gear up.
1654
01:26:49,996 --> 01:26:51,111
So we can go after him
without me.
1655
01:26:51,206 --> 01:26:52,196
WADE; No!
1656
01:26:52,624 --> 01:26:53,955
I'm doing this alone.
1657
01:26:54,042 --> 01:26:55,123
The Juggernaut
1658
01:26:55,210 --> 01:26:56,371
- will kill you all.
- Fair enough.
1659
01:26:56,461 --> 01:26:58,498
WADE: I just need a couple of
hours to get some legs
1660
01:26:58,588 --> 01:26:59,669
- under me.
- What will you do?
1661
01:26:59,756 --> 01:27:01,042
WADE: I don't care
what the kid did to me.
1662
01:27:01,133 --> 01:27:02,419
I ain't letting Cable
get to him,
1663
01:27:02,509 --> 01:27:03,795
even if I have to
teabag him to death.
1664
01:27:03,885 --> 01:27:05,876
It's really just a sip of tea
at this point.
1665
01:27:05,971 --> 01:27:07,712
Zip it, black Black Widow!
I'm flowing.
1666
01:27:07,806 --> 01:27:08,796
The first order of business is
1667
01:27:08,890 --> 01:27:09,971
to get me in front of Cable...
1668
01:27:10,058 --> 01:27:11,674
so I can pull all the fucking
blood out of his body...
1669
01:27:11,768 --> 01:27:14,100
and fashion his bones
into holiday jewelry.
1670
01:27:14,187 --> 01:27:15,928
Then, I'm gonna take his skin...
1671
01:27:16,022 --> 01:27:19,105
and stretch it out
over a homemade mating drum.
1672
01:27:20,694 --> 01:27:22,276
He's standing right
behind you, isn't he?
1673
01:27:25,699 --> 01:27:26,689
(COCKS GUN)
1674
01:27:30,954 --> 01:27:32,695
What in the ass?
1675
01:27:32,998 --> 01:27:36,081
Is this apartment listed
on Tinder? Grindr?
1676
01:27:36,376 --> 01:27:38,913
You picked the wrong shithole
to fuck, future boy.
1677
01:27:39,463 --> 01:27:42,000
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
1678
01:27:44,259 --> 01:27:46,921
No. It's his "Basic Instinct."
1679
01:27:47,095 --> 01:27:48,130
What can we help you with?
1680
01:27:48,847 --> 01:27:50,508
I'm here to proposition you.
1681
01:27:52,017 --> 01:27:53,098
(LAUGHS) on, boy!
1682
01:27:53,185 --> 01:27:54,175
He's really teeing it up,
isn't he?
1683
01:27:54,269 --> 01:27:56,351
Who gets to make the first joke?
1684
01:27:56,438 --> 01:27:57,724
I think we should all do it
at the same time.
1685
01:27:57,814 --> 01:27:58,804
Good call.
1686
01:27:58,899 --> 01:28:00,435
For $45, you get sucky-suck.
1687
01:28:00,525 --> 01:28:01,686
BOTH: I only do over
the pants, mouth stuff.
1688
01:28:01,777 --> 01:28:02,858
Fuck!
1689
01:28:02,944 --> 01:28:03,979
The Proposition has a wonderful
1690
01:28:04,070 --> 01:28:05,060
Guy Pearce performance.
1691
01:28:05,155 --> 01:28:06,896
WADE: Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.
1692
01:28:07,240 --> 01:28:09,322
Give us the line again.
I need your help!
1693
01:28:09,868 --> 01:28:12,155
Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are...
1694
01:28:12,245 --> 01:28:14,862
but you unleashed
the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
1695
01:28:15,415 --> 01:28:17,656
I can't bring him down alone.
1696
01:28:17,834 --> 01:28:19,370
So here we are.
1697
01:28:20,712 --> 01:28:22,453
We're no longer
accepting applications
1698
01:28:22,547 --> 01:28:23,912
for X-Force, unfortunately.
1699
01:28:24,007 --> 01:28:25,418
Even if we were...
1700
01:28:25,509 --> 01:28:27,125
there's a wind advisory
in effect until at least...
1701
01:28:27,219 --> 01:28:28,380
We don't have a lot of time.
1702
01:28:28,470 --> 01:28:30,211
Your friend's about
to make his first kill.
1703
01:28:30,305 --> 01:28:31,761
No offense,
but if you know so much...
1704
01:28:31,848 --> 01:28:34,180
why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?
1705
01:28:34,768 --> 01:28:35,758
Or better yet, head back
a little further,
1706
01:28:35,852 --> 01:28:36,842
kill baby Hitler.
1707
01:28:36,937 --> 01:28:38,894
I use a device
to slide through time.
1708
01:28:38,980 --> 01:28:41,597
The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.
1709
01:28:41,691 --> 01:28:44,274
I got two charges:
one to get me here,
1710
01:28:44,361 --> 01:28:45,476
one to get me home.
1711
01:28:45,570 --> 01:28:46,685
Well.
1712
01:28:46,780 --> 01:28:48,646
That's just lazy writing.
1713
01:28:48,740 --> 01:28:49,946
Your boy's
gonna kill the headmaster
1714
01:28:50,033 --> 01:28:51,569
of the orphanage tonight.
1715
01:28:51,660 --> 01:28:53,742
After that,
he gets a real taste for it.
1716
01:28:53,829 --> 01:28:56,537
Like 10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!
1717
01:28:56,623 --> 01:28:58,580
So he keeps killing...
1718
01:28:58,667 --> 01:29:00,123
and killing, and killing,
1719
01:29:00,210 --> 01:29:01,416
and killing.
(GUNS COCKING)
1720
01:29:01,753 --> 01:29:04,962
Until one day, he kills
the wrong fucking people.
1721
01:29:07,551 --> 01:29:08,916
My People.
1722
01:29:12,848 --> 01:29:13,963
Relax.
1723
01:29:14,057 --> 01:29:16,515
I'm retrieving something
from my utility bag.
1724
01:29:16,601 --> 01:29:19,138
It's a goddamn fanny pack...
1725
01:29:19,229 --> 01:29:21,766
and you know it,
you sick son of a bitch!
1726
01:29:21,857 --> 01:29:23,518
The difference is night and day.
1727
01:29:25,360 --> 01:29:27,476
You remind me of my wife.
1728
01:29:27,654 --> 01:29:28,769
I'm sorry.
1729
01:29:29,197 --> 01:29:30,232
I said, "You remind me
of my wife."
1730
01:29:30,323 --> 01:29:31,609
No, I'm sorry
that you said that...
1731
01:29:31,700 --> 01:29:34,442
while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.
1732
01:29:34,536 --> 01:29:35,697
CABLE: She always struggled.
1733
01:29:36,830 --> 01:29:38,241
But she was funny...
1734
01:29:38,331 --> 01:29:40,823
and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.
1735
01:29:41,710 --> 01:29:43,917
Something I could never master.
1736
01:29:44,838 --> 01:29:47,045
It was my fault she died.
1737
01:29:48,675 --> 01:29:51,337
It was my job
to stop people like him.
1738
01:29:52,387 --> 01:29:54,344
I came close a few times.
(TOMORROW PLAYING)
1739
01:29:58,560 --> 01:30:00,221
He wasn't too happy about that.
1740
01:30:01,938 --> 01:30:03,053
He was trying to hurt me...
1741
01:30:03,148 --> 01:30:05,105
and he knew exactly
how to do it.
1742
01:30:09,154 --> 01:30:10,815
OLDER RUSSELL:
Blessed are the wicked
1743
01:30:10,906 --> 01:30:12,488
who are healed by my hand.
1744
01:30:15,619 --> 01:30:17,030
CABLE: He came into my home...
1745
01:30:17,996 --> 01:30:20,863
and took the only thing
that made it a home.
1746
01:30:25,086 --> 01:30:26,451
Sound familiar?
1747
01:30:27,505 --> 01:30:29,087
I'm sorry.
Uh-huh.
1748
01:30:29,174 --> 01:30:30,835
No, I'm really sorry.
1749
01:30:33,053 --> 01:30:35,169
But that isn't Russell.
1750
01:30:35,263 --> 01:30:37,095
It doesn't have to be him.
If you knew what I knew...
1751
01:30:37,182 --> 01:30:39,173
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
1752
01:30:39,267 --> 01:30:40,757
maybe a small
learning disability...
1753
01:30:40,852 --> 01:30:42,217
splash of diabetes...
1754
01:30:42,312 --> 01:30:43,598
but nothing that can't be fixed.
1755
01:30:43,688 --> 01:30:45,304
If you could go back...
1756
01:30:45,398 --> 01:30:48,060
and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?
1757
01:30:48,360 --> 01:30:49,566
No.
1758
01:30:49,653 --> 01:30:51,360
I'd buy them all
a bouquet of hand jobs.
1759
01:30:51,446 --> 01:30:53,187
Of course I fucking would!
1760
01:30:53,949 --> 01:30:55,030
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
1761
01:30:55,116 --> 01:30:57,107
I'm not asking you
to kill a kid!
1762
01:30:57,202 --> 01:30:58,738
I'll kill the kid.
1763
01:30:58,828 --> 01:31:02,287
I'm asking you to save
hundreds of other kids.
1764
01:31:02,374 --> 01:31:04,661
Russell's gonna burn down
that orphanage.
1765
01:31:04,751 --> 01:31:06,742
And I can imagine
your dead girlfriend...
1766
01:31:06,836 --> 01:31:09,077
would want you to do
the right thing, wouldn't she?
1767
01:31:10,090 --> 01:31:12,673
So, what's it gonna be,
handsome?
1768
01:31:13,343 --> 01:31:15,004
Give me a chance to save him.
1769
01:31:15,095 --> 01:31:16,506
- What?
- You said...
1770
01:31:16,596 --> 01:31:18,178
once he kills someone,
he gets a taste for it.
1771
01:31:18,264 --> 01:31:20,596
If we can get to him
before that happens...
1772
01:31:20,684 --> 01:31:22,300
promise you'll give me a chance
1773
01:31:22,394 --> 01:31:24,180
to put him on a different path.
1774
01:31:24,270 --> 01:31:25,431
Define "chance."
1775
01:31:25,522 --> 01:31:26,683
I don't know.
How long does it take
1776
01:31:26,773 --> 01:31:28,059
to save someone's soul?
That's not...
1777
01:31:28,149 --> 01:31:29,389
I'll give you 30 seconds.
1778
01:31:29,484 --> 01:31:31,475
- What? No!
- Best I can do.
1779
01:31:31,569 --> 01:31:32,855
Take it or leave it.
1780
01:31:43,331 --> 01:31:44,742
- (CABLE GROANS)
- WEASEL: He's doing it!
1781
01:31:44,833 --> 01:31:46,369
Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.
1782
01:31:46,501 --> 01:31:48,333
- (RETCHES)
- There he goes.
1783
01:31:48,503 --> 01:31:49,914
CABLE: Jesus Christ!
1784
01:31:50,005 --> 01:31:51,461
WEASEL: Just shirt-cocking it.
1785
01:31:51,548 --> 01:31:52,538
Ugh.
1786
01:31:53,508 --> 01:31:54,839
WEASEL:
There you go, little fella.
1787
01:31:55,593 --> 01:31:56,924
Go on, you're doing it!
1788
01:31:57,345 --> 01:32:00,178
My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.
1789
01:32:02,392 --> 01:32:03,473
DOMINO: Christ!
1790
01:32:03,560 --> 01:32:05,176
That's disturbing.
1791
01:32:05,270 --> 01:32:06,681
30 seconds.
1792
01:32:12,068 --> 01:32:13,558
- Deal.
- Deal.
1793
01:32:16,573 --> 01:32:18,359
(FARTING)
1794
01:32:19,993 --> 01:32:23,031
Man, that sucks they didn't
have anything in your size.
1795
01:32:23,121 --> 01:32:25,078
I really wanted to match,
you know?
1796
01:32:25,165 --> 01:32:27,156
Being a menacing team.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
1797
01:32:27,250 --> 01:32:28,365
Oh, man, it sucks.
1798
01:32:28,460 --> 01:32:30,042
That was some
cold-ass shit, kid.
1799
01:32:31,755 --> 01:32:34,247
DEADPOOL: And that is just
the first five steps
1800
01:32:34,340 --> 01:32:36,047
to a prostate-assisted orgasm.
1801
01:32:36,968 --> 01:32:38,379
Where the hell are we going?
1802
01:32:38,470 --> 01:32:39,710
DEADPOOL: You said it yourself.
1803
01:32:39,804 --> 01:32:42,717
Nothing can stop the
Juggernaut. We need backup.
1804
01:32:42,807 --> 01:32:45,549
I will bathe in the blood
of your enemies.
1805
01:32:45,810 --> 01:32:47,926
(BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING
ON RADIO)
1806
01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:51,514
Can you turn off the music?
1807
01:32:52,525 --> 01:32:54,516
You'll do no such thing.
1808
01:32:54,694 --> 01:32:56,526
Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?
1809
01:32:56,613 --> 01:32:58,320
- I'm sorry?
- Apology accepted.
1810
01:32:58,406 --> 01:33:00,443
This is a side of you
I do not like.
1811
01:33:00,533 --> 01:33:01,523
Let me guess,
1812
01:33:01,618 --> 01:33:03,154
some of your best friends
in the future are Indian.
1813
01:33:03,453 --> 01:33:04,568
What the hell are you...?
1814
01:33:04,662 --> 01:33:06,573
Once again, intolerance rears
its ugly head.
1815
01:33:06,664 --> 01:33:07,904
I am so sorry.
It gets better.
1816
01:33:07,999 --> 01:33:09,535
I'm not a fucking racist, moron!
1817
01:33:09,626 --> 01:33:11,492
That's precisely
what a racist would say.
1818
01:33:11,711 --> 01:33:13,327
I'm with the old white guy
on this one.
1819
01:33:13,421 --> 01:33:14,627
And that's a twist.
1820
01:33:14,714 --> 01:33:15,829
When this is over...
1821
01:33:15,924 --> 01:33:18,086
I'm going to fuck you to death
with your own broken feet.
1822
01:33:18,176 --> 01:33:20,292
And a sexual predator, too.
That's rich.
1823
01:33:20,386 --> 01:33:21,751
I should have finished college.
1824
01:33:21,846 --> 01:33:22,927
DEADPOOL: So what exactly do you
1825
01:33:23,014 --> 01:33:24,004
do in the future, anyway, huh?
1826
01:33:24,099 --> 01:33:25,305
Some kind of soldier?
1827
01:33:25,391 --> 01:33:27,177
Yeah, something like that.
1828
01:33:27,268 --> 01:33:29,430
DEADPOOL: I was a soldier.
Special Forces.
1829
01:33:29,521 --> 01:33:32,138
I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.
1830
01:33:32,232 --> 01:33:34,189
50 years from now,
you're very dead.
1831
01:33:34,275 --> 01:33:36,642
Your entire generation fucked
this planet into a coma.
1832
01:33:36,736 --> 01:33:38,272
Boom! (IMITATES EXPLOSION)
1833
01:33:38,363 --> 01:33:39,603
Spoiler alert.
1834
01:33:39,697 --> 01:33:40,778
(SNICKERS)
1835
01:33:40,865 --> 01:33:42,071
(SIGHS) Planets.
1836
01:33:42,242 --> 01:33:43,778
Next time, Uber.
1837
01:33:43,868 --> 01:33:45,154
Here's a spoiler alert.
1838
01:33:46,329 --> 01:33:48,115
You're not a fucking hero.
1839
01:33:48,331 --> 01:33:52,040
You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.
1840
01:33:52,418 --> 01:33:53,579
DEADPOOL:
Well, I got news for you.
1841
01:33:53,670 --> 01:33:54,956
My heart is in the right place.
1842
01:33:55,046 --> 01:33:56,536
Russell's not gonna kill anyone.
1843
01:33:56,631 --> 01:33:58,542
Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.
1844
01:33:58,633 --> 01:33:59,668
We're all going to die.
1845
01:33:59,759 --> 01:34:00,965
Because of you, I'll always know
1846
01:34:01,052 --> 01:34:02,918
what a grown man
with baby balls looks like.
1847
01:34:03,054 --> 01:34:05,341
I'm a grower, not a shower.
1848
01:34:05,515 --> 01:34:06,630
God, I wish this were a bus
1849
01:34:06,724 --> 01:34:07,839
where I could pull
the string and get out.
1850
01:34:07,934 --> 01:34:09,550
It's a good thing
Cable's not driving,
1851
01:34:09,644 --> 01:34:10,634
or you'd be in the back.
1852
01:34:10,854 --> 01:34:12,640
- I am in the back.
- DEADPOOL: Right here!
1853
01:34:13,273 --> 01:34:14,559
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1854
01:34:15,900 --> 01:34:17,686
(IN YOUR EYES PLAYING
ON BOOM BOX)
1855
01:34:29,038 --> 01:34:30,278
(GROANS)
1856
01:34:31,374 --> 01:34:33,035
DEADPOOL: I made mistakes!
1857
01:34:33,501 --> 01:34:35,037
I wanna take them back!
1858
01:34:35,211 --> 01:34:38,078
You trusted me.
I took that trust...
1859
01:34:38,214 --> 01:34:39,625
and turned it into a glory hole
1860
01:34:39,716 --> 01:34:41,206
in an airport bathroom.
1861
01:34:41,301 --> 01:34:44,043
The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.
1862
01:34:44,637 --> 01:34:47,174
But even you know I'm not
a complete piece of shit.
1863
01:34:47,265 --> 01:34:48,755
I was once an X-Man.
1864
01:34:48,850 --> 01:34:49,885
Trainee!
1865
01:34:50,977 --> 01:34:52,138
(MUSIC STOPS)
1866
01:34:54,564 --> 01:34:57,056
You're still using
my Velcro labels. Aw.
1867
01:34:57,150 --> 01:34:58,732
They do stick better than tape.
1868
01:34:58,818 --> 01:34:59,808
Hi, Wade!
1869
01:34:59,903 --> 01:35:00,893
Please don't.
1870
01:35:00,987 --> 01:35:03,729
Say whatever it is you're here
to say. Make it quick.
1871
01:35:03,823 --> 01:35:04,813
Right. Quick.
1872
01:35:04,908 --> 01:35:06,774
It's the kid.
Just like you, I let him down.
1873
01:35:06,868 --> 01:35:07,858
And just like me,
1874
01:35:07,952 --> 01:35:09,158
he's never had anyone
sacrifice anything for him...
1875
01:35:09,245 --> 01:35:10,485
because the whole world
wrote him off
1876
01:35:10,580 --> 01:35:11,945
as a piece of shit
a long time ago.
1877
01:35:12,040 --> 01:35:13,701
Look, he's teamed up
with the Juggernaut!
1878
01:35:13,791 --> 01:35:14,952
(GASPS) The Juggernaut!
1879
01:35:15,335 --> 01:35:17,042
Who's, like, my favorite
Marvel character ever...
1880
01:35:17,128 --> 01:35:19,290
And hi, Yukio! That was really
nice of you to say hi...
1881
01:35:19,380 --> 01:35:20,711
so I'm saying hi back.
1882
01:35:20,798 --> 01:35:22,129
You guys make
a super cute couple.
1883
01:35:22,217 --> 01:35:23,878
Yeah. Where was I?
1884
01:35:23,968 --> 01:35:25,800
Oh, yeah. You should never
meet your heroes...
1885
01:35:25,887 --> 01:35:27,548
because, honestly,
he's a bit of a dick!
1886
01:35:27,639 --> 01:35:29,380
And like a lot of dicks,
he's hard as a rock...
1887
01:35:29,474 --> 01:35:30,680
and causes nothing but problems!
1888
01:35:30,767 --> 01:35:33,759
Look, you can stop the
Juggernaut. I know you can.
1889
01:35:33,853 --> 01:35:37,016
Do you know what would happen
to me if I helped you?
1890
01:35:37,106 --> 01:35:39,143
I would be disgraced.
1891
01:35:39,234 --> 01:35:41,225
You are a criminal, a fugitive.
1892
01:35:41,319 --> 01:35:42,809
But worst of all...
1893
01:35:42,904 --> 01:35:44,645
you broke my heart, Wade.
1894
01:35:46,324 --> 01:35:47,359
Then you know what?
1895
01:35:47,450 --> 01:35:48,940
Your heart's in
the wrong place, big guy.
1896
01:35:50,245 --> 01:35:52,907
Doing the right thing
is sometimes messy...
1897
01:35:52,997 --> 01:35:56,331
and fucked up, and not
particularly convenient!
1898
01:35:56,417 --> 01:35:59,500
So stay here
in Château de Virgin...
1899
01:35:59,587 --> 01:36:01,703
while we go get our fuck on!
1900
01:36:04,884 --> 01:36:06,249
DOMINO: You're doing great.
1901
01:36:08,930 --> 01:36:10,295
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
(ENGINE STARTS)
1902
01:36:11,933 --> 01:36:13,389
RUSSELL: So you wear
that helmet because
1903
01:36:13,476 --> 01:36:15,183
your brother
tries to read your mind?
1904
01:36:15,270 --> 01:36:18,479
JUGGERNAUT: Yeah, but he's in
a wheelchair, so even-Steven.
1905
01:36:18,564 --> 01:36:21,022
MAN: Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.
1906
01:36:21,109 --> 01:36:23,020
And he's not alone.
1907
01:36:23,111 --> 01:36:24,772
HEADMASTER: Secure the children.
1908
01:36:27,198 --> 01:36:29,565
They will not replace us.
1909
01:36:29,993 --> 01:36:32,280
What do you say
we go fuck some shit up?
1910
01:36:32,829 --> 01:36:36,663
"Let's fuck some shit up"
is my legal middle name.
1911
01:36:40,003 --> 01:36:42,461
Watch my back.
I've got the old man.
1912
01:36:42,672 --> 01:36:44,208
Amen, brother.
1913
01:36:45,800 --> 01:36:47,086
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
1914
01:36:50,763 --> 01:36:52,253
Time to make the chimichangas.
1915
01:36:52,432 --> 01:36:54,048
30 seconds.
1916
01:36:54,684 --> 01:36:56,800
I finally know why I'm here.
1917
01:36:57,228 --> 01:36:59,139
I was raised in this place.
1918
01:36:59,230 --> 01:37:01,437
Well, not raised.
I was tortured.
1919
01:37:01,524 --> 01:37:04,357
Wow! It's your cosmic reason
for being here.
1920
01:37:04,444 --> 01:37:05,730
Shall we?
This is gonna be fun.
1921
01:37:05,820 --> 01:37:06,855
DEADPOOL: Yeah!
1922
01:37:06,946 --> 01:37:08,277
Hey! Been meaning to ask you...
1923
01:37:08,364 --> 01:37:11,607
what's with the dirty,
disgusting hobo bear?
1924
01:37:11,701 --> 01:37:14,363
It's not dirt. It's the blood
of my dead daughter.
1925
01:37:14,912 --> 01:37:17,279
Are You Bear, God?
It's Me, Margaret.
1926
01:37:17,665 --> 01:37:19,030
Give me some.
1927
01:37:19,125 --> 01:37:20,615
They say
laughter heals anything...
1928
01:37:20,752 --> 01:37:21,833
except, of course, that.
1929
01:37:21,919 --> 01:37:23,125
We should just cue the music.
1930
01:37:24,255 --> 01:37:26,121
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1931
01:37:48,279 --> 01:37:50,987
Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.
1932
01:37:52,200 --> 01:37:53,190
Russell!
1933
01:37:53,284 --> 01:37:55,696
You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!
1934
01:37:56,746 --> 01:37:57,986
Why are you dressed
like the Unabomber?
1935
01:37:58,081 --> 01:37:59,742
(YELLING)
1936
01:38:02,377 --> 01:38:03,367
That's why!
1937
01:38:03,461 --> 01:38:04,496
Told you this little fucker's
too far gone.
1938
01:38:04,587 --> 01:38:06,703
Zip it, Thanos!
We have a deal and you fuck...
1939
01:38:06,798 --> 01:38:08,755
- (GROANS)
- JUGGERNAUT: Hey!
1940
01:38:09,300 --> 01:38:12,418
I'm gonna shove that
cab driver right up your ass.
1941
01:38:13,554 --> 01:38:15,716
My body and my hands
are so soft.
1942
01:38:15,807 --> 01:38:16,968
You should probably
head back to the car.
1943
01:38:17,100 --> 01:38:18,636
I think I'll head
back to the car.
1944
01:38:19,936 --> 01:38:22,598
It works best
when you pull the trigger.
1945
01:38:24,315 --> 01:38:25,305
(GROANS)
1946
01:38:25,525 --> 01:38:26,811
That gun is amazing!
1947
01:38:28,152 --> 01:38:29,358
RUSSELL: Say it!
1948
01:38:31,531 --> 01:38:34,523
You are an abomination!
1949
01:38:34,617 --> 01:38:35,778
(GRUNTS)
1950
01:38:41,874 --> 01:38:45,117
Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.
1951
01:38:45,211 --> 01:38:47,623
I believe him!
Every man for themselves!
1952
01:38:52,009 --> 01:38:53,090
Gotcha!
1953
01:38:53,886 --> 01:38:55,047
JUGGERNAUT: Beat it, midget!
1954
01:38:58,057 --> 01:39:00,765
Hey, big guy,
the sun's getting real low!
1955
01:39:01,185 --> 01:39:02,266
Oh, shit fuck!
1956
01:39:02,854 --> 01:39:04,185
(SCREAMING)
1957
01:39:14,740 --> 01:39:16,071
(JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS)
1958
01:39:16,159 --> 01:39:17,741
Come here, beautiful.
1959
01:39:25,501 --> 01:39:26,616
Whoo!
1960
01:39:35,845 --> 01:39:36,926
RUSSELL: Say it!
1961
01:39:52,028 --> 01:39:53,894
(IN YOUR EYES PLAYING)
1962
01:40:55,049 --> 01:40:56,164
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
1963
01:40:59,011 --> 01:41:00,297
(MUMBLES)
1964
01:41:00,388 --> 01:41:01,469
You came for me.
1965
01:41:01,556 --> 01:41:02,967
I'm not giving up on you,
1966
01:41:03,057 --> 01:41:05,139
and you are not
giving up on that boy.
1967
01:41:05,226 --> 01:41:07,217
Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?
1968
01:41:07,311 --> 01:41:09,552
It's time to fight dirty.
1969
01:41:09,730 --> 01:41:11,061
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
1970
01:41:11,148 --> 01:41:13,890
Hey! Pick on someone
your own size!
1971
01:41:13,985 --> 01:41:16,022
That's such a you thing to say!
1972
01:41:16,112 --> 01:41:17,694
Go get him, tiger!
1973
01:41:18,114 --> 01:41:19,980
Big CGI fight coming up!
1974
01:41:20,992 --> 01:41:22,448
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1975
01:41:22,994 --> 01:41:24,359
(MUSIC PLAYING)
1976
01:41:28,916 --> 01:41:30,281
(GRUNTS)
1977
01:41:31,168 --> 01:41:33,000
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BONE CRACKS)
1978
01:41:33,087 --> 01:41:34,202
(SCREAMS)
1979
01:41:43,055 --> 01:41:44,386
He's doing great.
1980
01:41:44,473 --> 01:41:45,679
RUSSELL: Say it!
1981
01:41:49,854 --> 01:41:51,265
- Russell.
- DEADPOOL: Bingo!
1982
01:41:54,525 --> 01:41:55,765
(GROANING)
1983
01:41:56,652 --> 01:41:58,609
JUGGERNAUT: You see that bus?
1984
01:41:58,696 --> 01:41:59,777
I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
1985
01:42:00,448 --> 01:42:01,688
(METAL CLANGS)
1986
01:42:01,782 --> 01:42:03,193
(GROANS)
1987
01:42:03,284 --> 01:42:05,241
That's right!
I'm fighting dirty!
1988
01:42:06,621 --> 01:42:07,577
Oh, great!
1989
01:42:07,663 --> 01:42:08,653
ORDERLY: There they are!
Those freaks!
1990
01:42:08,748 --> 01:42:10,330
DEADPOOL: A bunch of armed
pedophiles in nursing shoes.
1991
01:42:10,791 --> 01:42:12,452
Can I have one of those guns?
1992
01:42:13,002 --> 01:42:14,663
- No.
- That's fine.
1993
01:42:14,837 --> 01:42:16,669
Get off this property,
mutant scum!
1994
01:42:16,839 --> 01:42:17,829
I'm just gonna use this brick.
1995
01:42:18,591 --> 01:42:19,581
Maximum effort.
1996
01:42:19,717 --> 01:42:21,128
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1997
01:42:25,723 --> 01:42:27,464
Who says you
can't go home again?
1998
01:42:29,477 --> 01:42:30,808
(ALL GRUNTING)
1999
01:42:36,567 --> 01:42:37,978
- (SCREAMS)
- CHILDREN: on!
2000
01:42:44,617 --> 01:42:45,607
CHILDREN: Yeah!
2001
01:42:47,828 --> 01:42:49,159
Say it.
2002
01:42:49,538 --> 01:42:52,576
Say what you said
every time you tortured me!
2003
01:42:53,125 --> 01:42:54,115
Say it!
2004
01:42:54,210 --> 01:42:57,202
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand!
2005
01:42:58,422 --> 01:43:00,038
Blessed are the wicked...
2006
01:43:00,591 --> 01:43:01,797
who are healed...
2007
01:43:02,301 --> 01:43:03,791
by my hand.
2008
01:43:04,720 --> 01:43:06,051
(YELLS)
2009
01:43:15,981 --> 01:43:17,437
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2010
01:43:21,862 --> 01:43:23,569
You commie motherfucker!
2011
01:43:27,785 --> 01:43:28,946
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
2012
01:43:30,162 --> 01:43:31,197
(SPITS)
2013
01:43:31,288 --> 01:43:32,824
(YELLS)
2014
01:43:38,087 --> 01:43:39,293
(GROANS)
2015
01:43:50,641 --> 01:43:52,348
DEADPOOL: Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too?
2016
01:43:53,227 --> 01:43:55,434
Only best buddies
execute pedophiles together.
2017
01:43:58,315 --> 01:44:00,522
You got 30 seconds,
you jabbering butt plug!
2018
01:44:00,693 --> 01:44:01,899
Now we're getting it.
2019
01:44:04,572 --> 01:44:05,653
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
2020
01:44:06,615 --> 01:44:08,822
I need a bus
to get you all out of here.
2021
01:44:08,909 --> 01:44:09,899
(GASPS)
2022
01:44:10,745 --> 01:44:12,327
(CAR ALARM WAILING)
2023
01:44:14,165 --> 01:44:15,200
Orphans.
2024
01:44:16,375 --> 01:44:17,581
Oh, geez.
2025
01:44:19,003 --> 01:44:21,586
It's time to burn
for what you've done!
2026
01:44:21,756 --> 01:44:24,248
A child should not be burdened
with such power!
2027
01:44:31,807 --> 01:44:32,968
(RUSSELL GRUNTS)
2028
01:44:33,058 --> 01:44:34,139
Russell! Wait!
2029
01:44:40,149 --> 01:44:41,435
DEADPOOL: Oh!
2030
01:44:48,657 --> 01:44:50,648
Wait! He hasn't killed
anyone yet!
2031
01:44:50,826 --> 01:44:52,692
What more do you need to see?
Don't you fucking dare!
2032
01:44:52,870 --> 01:44:53,951
He's just a kid!
2033
01:44:54,121 --> 01:44:55,987
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
2034
01:45:05,132 --> 01:45:06,418
(COLOSSUS GROANS)
2035
01:45:08,719 --> 01:45:11,757
I'm gonna melt you down
and make a cock ring.
2036
01:45:17,186 --> 01:45:18,347
(GRUNTS)
2037
01:45:19,522 --> 01:45:20,853
(GROWLS)
2038
01:45:23,692 --> 01:45:24,978
(GRUNTS)
2039
01:45:25,069 --> 01:45:27,231
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GROANING)
2040
01:45:32,159 --> 01:45:34,776
I told you! Leave me alone!
Come on!
2041
01:45:35,329 --> 01:45:36,444
Listen to me!
2042
01:45:39,625 --> 01:45:40,956
(RUSSELL SCREAMING)
2043
01:45:41,210 --> 01:45:43,417
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2044
01:45:46,465 --> 01:45:47,671
(GRUNTS)
2045
01:45:59,687 --> 01:46:01,303
COLOSSUS: (SCOFFS)
That's how we do it
2046
01:46:01,397 --> 01:46:02,853
in Mother Russia.
2047
01:46:04,066 --> 01:46:05,101
(GROANS)
2048
01:46:05,192 --> 01:46:07,604
They say millennials are
the hardest to reach.
2049
01:46:08,988 --> 01:46:12,197
CABLE: Oh, no.
You're doing amazing.
2050
01:46:12,283 --> 01:46:13,444
(GROWLS)
2051
01:46:13,534 --> 01:46:16,026
Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta!
2052
01:46:16,453 --> 01:46:18,160
Go home, Wade!
2053
01:46:18,330 --> 01:46:20,162
You're ruining everything!
2054
01:46:25,504 --> 01:46:26,710
I'm getting good at this shit.
2055
01:46:26,881 --> 01:46:27,916
DEADPOOL: Go, go, go!
2056
01:46:28,257 --> 01:46:29,418
(GRUNTS)
2057
01:46:31,427 --> 01:46:33,259
He dies tonight, Wade.
2058
01:46:33,429 --> 01:46:34,965
You can't stop me!
2059
01:46:35,931 --> 01:46:37,672
CABLE: He even runs
like a fucking pervert.
2060
01:46:37,850 --> 01:46:40,592
Like an online predator
who lost his laptop.
2061
01:46:42,021 --> 01:46:43,386
There's one bullet left
in that gun.
2062
01:46:43,564 --> 01:46:45,430
Wait, wait, wait!
Please, just give me a second!
2063
01:46:45,608 --> 01:46:46,939
I got this.
2064
01:46:47,109 --> 01:46:49,225
Russell!
Stay back! Go home, Wade!
2065
01:46:49,403 --> 01:46:51,519
Let's talk. It doesn't
have to go this way!
2066
01:46:52,114 --> 01:46:53,400
That piece of shit...
2067
01:46:53,824 --> 01:46:55,440
he deserves to die
for what he did to you.
2068
01:46:55,618 --> 01:46:58,986
He hurt you badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.
2069
01:46:59,872 --> 01:47:01,533
But if you kill him, he wins.
2070
01:47:01,707 --> 01:47:05,200
You become everything
he says you are, but worse.
2071
01:47:05,628 --> 01:47:07,084
You're just a kid.
2072
01:47:07,671 --> 01:47:09,287
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
2073
01:47:09,465 --> 01:47:10,580
How do you know what I want?
2074
01:47:10,758 --> 01:47:12,374
Because I've been inside you.
2075
01:47:13,052 --> 01:47:14,338
That came out wrong.
2076
01:47:14,970 --> 01:47:16,552
I've been inside your shoes.
2077
01:47:16,722 --> 01:47:18,463
Which is also off-putting.
2078
01:47:18,641 --> 01:47:20,052
It's not a great analogy.
2079
01:47:20,142 --> 01:47:21,553
The point is...
2080
01:47:22,019 --> 01:47:23,680
there are people...
2081
01:47:23,771 --> 01:47:26,684
There are people
in this fucking world...
2082
01:47:26,857 --> 01:47:29,440
besides him,
who will treat you right.
2083
01:47:29,610 --> 01:47:32,227
It isn't too late.
Don't do it.
2084
01:47:37,785 --> 01:47:40,152
I never should've left
you there.
2085
01:47:41,914 --> 01:47:43,780
I never should've left you
in that prison.
2086
01:47:50,881 --> 01:47:52,167
I can't trust you.
2087
01:47:53,884 --> 01:47:56,251
I can't trust anybody!
2088
01:47:57,304 --> 01:47:58,760
(GROANING)
2089
01:48:05,270 --> 01:48:06,476
Wonderful kid.
2090
01:48:06,981 --> 01:48:08,517
RUSSELL:
You can't stop me, Wade!
2091
01:48:08,607 --> 01:48:09,813
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2092
01:48:10,776 --> 01:48:12,892
I got one more idea.
2093
01:48:13,070 --> 01:48:15,937
It's just a really bad one,
even for me.
2094
01:48:16,031 --> 01:48:17,192
Wade, what are you doing?
2095
01:48:17,282 --> 01:48:18,898
All right. This is for
all the marbles, kid!
2096
01:48:19,702 --> 01:48:21,409
You're gonna kill
someone today...
2097
01:48:21,829 --> 01:48:23,115
Blessed are the wicked...
2098
01:48:23,288 --> 01:48:25,199
...then it's gotta be me.
2099
01:48:26,291 --> 01:48:28,202
...who are healed by my hand!
2100
01:48:31,338 --> 01:48:33,750
(MOUTHS) Fuck this!
2101
01:48:35,217 --> 01:48:36,878
(TOMORROW PLAYING)
2102
01:48:38,053 --> 01:48:40,169
(GIRL SINGING)
2103
01:49:32,066 --> 01:49:33,272
(GROANS)
2104
01:49:34,485 --> 01:49:37,443
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
2105
01:49:39,323 --> 01:49:40,813
(DEADPOOL COUGHING)
2106
01:49:42,451 --> 01:49:43,941
Oh, that's not good.
2107
01:49:45,537 --> 01:49:46,948
No, sir.
2108
01:49:54,588 --> 01:49:57,501
You sacrificed yourself for me.
2109
01:49:57,925 --> 01:49:59,040
Yeah.
2110
01:49:59,134 --> 01:50:01,341
And it was the best thing
I ever did.
2111
01:50:01,428 --> 01:50:02,759
(COUGHING)
2112
01:50:03,305 --> 01:50:05,387
I told you I care about you.
2113
01:50:05,474 --> 01:50:07,215
You're a good kid, Russell.
2114
01:50:08,936 --> 01:50:10,017
Hey-
2115
01:50:11,313 --> 01:50:12,519
The bear.
2116
01:50:12,606 --> 01:50:13,971
It worked.
2117
01:50:20,948 --> 01:50:22,438
Because of you.
2118
01:50:22,616 --> 01:50:24,903
No, Wade, because of you.
2119
01:50:25,786 --> 01:50:27,823
Stop, stop, stop!
2120
01:50:27,913 --> 01:50:29,074
Stop!
2121
01:50:30,249 --> 01:50:32,786
Just let it happen, okay?
2122
01:50:33,252 --> 01:50:36,165
I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.
2123
01:50:37,005 --> 01:50:39,417
(GROANS) That riddle
is so fucked up.
2124
01:50:41,802 --> 01:50:43,839
(GROANS, COUGHS)
2125
01:50:44,221 --> 01:50:46,508
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
2126
01:50:46,682 --> 01:50:47,797
Don't be. Don't be.
2127
01:50:47,891 --> 01:50:49,632
I've been trying to make
this happen for a while.
2128
01:50:50,310 --> 01:50:51,846
Please, just don't leave me.
2129
01:50:52,020 --> 01:50:53,510
I don't wanna die
without an audience.
2130
01:50:53,689 --> 01:50:55,179
We are not going anywhere.
2131
01:50:55,357 --> 01:50:57,439
WADE: Oh, God, I hope
the Academy is watching.
2132
01:50:57,526 --> 01:50:58,641
Just rest, okay?
2133
01:51:00,487 --> 01:51:01,568
Papa.
2134
01:51:03,782 --> 01:51:05,739
(SINGING) Papa, can you hear me?
2135
01:51:07,995 --> 01:51:13,991
Papa, can you find me
in the night?
2136
01:51:35,272 --> 01:51:36,512
Before I go... (COUGHS)
2137
01:51:37,065 --> 01:51:38,772
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
2138
01:51:39,359 --> 01:51:40,474
Domino.
2139
01:51:40,652 --> 01:51:45,146
I want you to have
my Adventure Time watch.
2140
01:51:45,240 --> 01:51:47,026
(WADE COUGHING)
2141
01:51:47,743 --> 01:51:50,610
Turns out
that I'm the lucky one.
2142
01:51:51,371 --> 01:51:52,486
Thank you.
2143
01:51:53,832 --> 01:51:56,745
Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.
2144
01:51:57,127 --> 01:51:59,289
I liked you better
with your hair short.
2145
01:51:59,463 --> 01:52:00,624
Think everyone did.
2146
01:52:01,423 --> 01:52:04,131
- Hi, Yukio.
- Hi, Wade!
2147
01:52:04,218 --> 01:52:05,834
(CHUCKLES)
2148
01:52:06,178 --> 01:52:07,259
And you...
2149
01:52:07,804 --> 01:52:08,919
Chrome Bone.
2150
01:52:09,848 --> 01:52:12,215
I haven't always been
the best friend to you.
2151
01:52:12,809 --> 01:52:15,050
But you've always been
that to me.
2152
01:52:15,145 --> 01:52:16,510
So thank you.
2153
01:52:18,690 --> 01:52:20,272
Say "fuck" for me.
2154
01:52:21,109 --> 01:52:22,349
Just once. Come on,
2155
01:52:22,444 --> 01:52:24,026
we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.
2156
01:52:24,112 --> 01:52:27,104
Here we go. One, two, three.
F... F... F...
2157
01:52:27,199 --> 01:52:28,189
Fuck.
2158
01:52:28,367 --> 01:52:31,701
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
(CHUCKLES)
2159
01:52:33,038 --> 01:52:35,279
And you, Cable. (COUGHS)
2160
01:52:36,166 --> 01:52:39,830
You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.
2161
01:52:40,712 --> 01:52:43,921
And promise me.
Promise me one thing.
2162
01:52:44,383 --> 01:52:45,748
That you'll start
judging people...
2163
01:52:45,842 --> 01:52:47,173
not by the color of their skin,
2164
01:52:47,261 --> 01:52:49,127
but by the content
of their character.
2165
01:52:49,888 --> 01:52:51,470
- Jesus.
- WADE: R-Dog?
2166
01:52:52,683 --> 01:52:54,594
There you are. Hey!
2167
01:52:55,185 --> 01:52:56,926
You're a superhero now, bubba.
2168
01:52:57,437 --> 01:53:00,395
That's why it's high time
that you had a super suit.
2169
01:53:00,482 --> 01:53:01,847
This one is yours.
2170
01:53:01,942 --> 01:53:03,649
You might wanna
get it steam cleaned.
2171
01:53:03,735 --> 01:53:05,100
Especially around the pants.
2172
01:53:05,195 --> 01:53:06,902
And let it out
a little in the waist.
2173
01:53:07,864 --> 01:53:08,854
But, hey.
2174
01:53:09,908 --> 01:53:10,989
Look.
2175
01:53:11,285 --> 01:53:13,902
Family is not an F-word.
2176
01:53:14,663 --> 01:53:15,949
All right?
2177
01:53:16,039 --> 01:53:17,905
There's one out there
for you. (COUGHS)
2178
01:53:18,500 --> 01:53:20,207
Just keep looking, okay?
2179
01:53:23,714 --> 01:53:26,456
Guys, for a second there...
2180
01:53:27,301 --> 01:53:29,417
we made a pretty good team.
2181
01:53:35,559 --> 01:53:37,141
(SIGHS)
2182
01:53:44,484 --> 01:53:46,475
Oh, it's so hard to go.
2183
01:53:46,903 --> 01:53:47,893
(WHINES)
2184
01:53:47,988 --> 01:53:50,355
I just love being around
you guys so much.
2185
01:53:51,450 --> 01:53:52,690
So, so much.
2186
01:53:53,410 --> 01:53:54,741
Mmm.
2187
01:53:54,828 --> 01:53:56,990
No, I can feel it now.
Here it comes, yeah.
2188
01:53:57,706 --> 01:54:01,449
I feel the soul
exiting the husk.
2189
01:54:01,543 --> 01:54:02,533
Yeah.
2190
01:54:04,421 --> 01:54:06,253
Can you see it?
2191
01:54:06,965 --> 01:54:09,127
Do you see
that beautiful bright light?
2192
01:54:10,594 --> 01:54:11,755
There it is.
2193
01:54:18,018 --> 01:54:19,224
Oh, that's the sun.
2194
01:54:19,311 --> 01:54:21,143
Don't stare directly into that.
2195
01:54:21,229 --> 01:54:22,640
I just have a few final words.
2196
01:54:22,731 --> 01:54:23,766
(EXHALES)
2197
01:54:24,900 --> 01:54:26,265
Woodpecker.
2198
01:54:27,069 --> 01:54:28,400
Gingivitis.
2199
01:54:30,447 --> 01:54:31,812
Codswallop.
2200
01:54:36,161 --> 01:54:38,118
Do You Want to Build a Snowman?
2201
01:55:05,607 --> 01:55:07,564
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
2202
01:55:53,113 --> 01:55:54,274
Sorry I'm late.
2203
01:55:54,364 --> 01:55:56,025
There was a bunch
2204
01:55:56,116 --> 01:55:57,402
of handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.
2205
01:55:57,492 --> 01:55:58,698
- No.
- No.
2206
01:55:59,786 --> 01:56:02,448
- But I did have to help a kid.
- Yeah.
2207
01:56:02,914 --> 01:56:04,780
- He's got a terrible name.
- It's just awful.
2208
01:56:04,875 --> 01:56:05,865
- Ugh.
- I tried to tell him.
2209
01:56:08,211 --> 01:56:09,622
Is this heaven?
2210
01:56:10,505 --> 01:56:11,711
It is now.
2211
01:56:15,177 --> 01:56:17,043
I am so sorry.
2212
01:56:17,888 --> 01:56:19,219
VANESSA: It's okay.
2213
01:56:39,075 --> 01:56:40,941
I missed you so much.
2214
01:56:46,541 --> 01:56:48,202
What is it? What's wrong?
2215
01:56:50,128 --> 01:56:51,618
It's not time.
2216
01:56:52,255 --> 01:56:54,121
What do you mean it's not time?
2217
01:56:54,299 --> 01:56:55,789
I'm here, I made it.
2218
01:56:55,967 --> 01:56:57,628
- You can't stay.
- No, no, no.
2219
01:56:57,719 --> 01:57:00,336
I'm staying. I'm not going
anywhere without you.
2220
01:57:00,430 --> 01:57:01,420
It's okay.
2221
01:57:01,932 --> 01:57:04,765
There's a time for us.
It's just not now.
2222
01:57:05,769 --> 01:57:08,227
- They need you.
- Who?
2223
01:57:10,273 --> 01:57:11,559
VANESSA: Your F-word.
2224
01:57:12,817 --> 01:57:13,807
WADE: Why?
2225
01:57:13,902 --> 01:57:14,892
VANESSA: You'll find out.
2226
01:57:16,154 --> 01:57:17,690
It's all right. I'll be here.
2227
01:57:19,074 --> 01:57:21,190
It's pretty fucking
awesome up here.
2228
01:57:21,910 --> 01:57:23,742
I can have anything I want.
2229
01:57:23,828 --> 01:57:25,944
Can every day be
International Women's Day?
2230
01:57:26,039 --> 01:57:27,404
It is heaven.
2231
01:57:27,624 --> 01:57:28,864
I love you.
2232
01:57:31,378 --> 01:57:34,120
I know. I love you, too.
2233
01:57:34,714 --> 01:57:36,125
Now, go.
2234
01:57:37,008 --> 01:57:38,999
Go on. Go, get out of here.
2235
01:57:40,053 --> 01:57:41,043
Go.
2236
01:57:43,848 --> 01:57:44,838
Hey!
2237
01:57:47,852 --> 01:57:50,014
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
2238
01:57:50,647 --> 01:57:51,762
Well, come here.
2239
01:58:11,126 --> 01:58:12,742
Don't fuck Elvis.
2240
01:58:12,877 --> 01:58:14,618
Ooh, too late.
I'm sorry?
2241
01:58:19,593 --> 01:58:21,083
(SCREAMING)
2242
01:58:24,139 --> 01:58:25,345
Time to make the chimichangas.
2243
01:58:25,432 --> 01:58:26,513
30 seconds.
2244
01:58:26,600 --> 01:58:27,806
Hey. Been meaning to ask you...
2245
01:58:27,892 --> 01:58:30,350
what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?
2246
01:58:30,437 --> 01:58:32,178
It's my daughter's teddy bear.
2247
01:58:32,647 --> 01:58:33,933
Her name's Hope.
2248
01:58:34,232 --> 01:58:35,347
DEADPOOL: Well...
2249
01:58:36,192 --> 01:58:38,058
What are you doing?
2250
01:58:38,153 --> 01:58:39,735
Somebody swiped right.
2251
01:58:39,821 --> 01:58:41,653
(FAST-FORWARDING)
2252
01:58:50,624 --> 01:58:51,739
(GROANS)
2253
01:58:52,542 --> 01:58:54,909
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
2254
01:58:55,378 --> 01:58:57,039
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2255
01:58:58,256 --> 01:58:59,997
RUSSELL: You sacrificed
yourself for me.
2256
01:59:00,091 --> 01:59:01,581
DEADPOOL: It would seem I...
2257
01:59:03,762 --> 01:59:05,048
Huh?
2258
01:59:06,181 --> 01:59:08,513
Genuine, high-grade lead.
2259
01:59:10,435 --> 01:59:13,427
You time-sliding son of a bitch!
2260
01:59:13,521 --> 01:59:15,103
You did this for me?
2261
01:59:16,983 --> 01:59:19,475
Wait. You can't go back.
2262
01:59:20,111 --> 01:59:21,351
You used the last of your fuel.
2263
01:59:21,446 --> 01:59:23,153
What about your girl, your wife?
2264
01:59:23,239 --> 01:59:26,482
Now, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.
2265
01:59:27,952 --> 01:59:30,364
No, I'm gonna stick around
for a while...
2266
01:59:30,455 --> 01:59:31,661
and make sure the world
2267
01:59:31,748 --> 01:59:33,455
doesn't shit itself
into oblivion.
2268
01:59:34,167 --> 01:59:37,034
No. You did it for me.
2269
01:59:37,796 --> 01:59:39,127
No, I didn't.
2270
01:59:39,297 --> 01:59:40,662
- You did.
- I really didn't.
2271
01:59:40,757 --> 01:59:42,543
Pretty sure you did.
No, I'm positive I didn't.
2272
01:59:42,634 --> 01:59:44,375
Fine. All right,
let's flip a coin. Okay?
2273
01:59:44,469 --> 01:59:47,177
Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.
2274
01:59:47,263 --> 01:59:49,675
I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.
2275
01:59:50,100 --> 01:59:51,090
Say it again.
2276
01:59:51,267 --> 01:59:52,803
- He did it for me.
- CABLE: Jesus.
2277
01:59:52,894 --> 01:59:54,635
We must get the collar off.
Forget it. It's no use.
2278
01:59:54,729 --> 01:59:56,595
These collars
don't just come off.
2279
01:59:56,690 --> 01:59:57,680
Wade.
2280
01:59:58,233 --> 01:59:59,849
I have an idea.
2281
02:00:00,193 --> 02:00:02,275
No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!
2282
02:00:02,362 --> 02:00:04,729
I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just...
2283
02:00:04,823 --> 02:00:07,941
Oh, God! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.
2284
02:00:08,034 --> 02:00:10,275
- (COLLAR BUZZING)
- RUSSELL: We need the code.
2285
02:00:10,370 --> 02:00:12,236
Try, uh, seven?
2286
02:00:12,330 --> 02:00:13,866
DEADPOOL: Settle down,
Captain Lucky.
2287
02:00:13,957 --> 02:00:15,368
It's not gonna be one number.
2288
02:00:15,458 --> 02:00:16,539
Oh, God, that's lazy writing.
2289
02:00:17,544 --> 02:00:18,875
I still got it.
2290
02:00:20,130 --> 02:00:21,336
(DEADPOOL GROANS)
2291
02:00:21,923 --> 02:00:23,880
Put that back
in your prison wallet.
2292
02:00:25,593 --> 02:00:27,459
I don't know how to thank you.
2293
02:00:27,554 --> 02:00:29,044
But I do know how to hug you.
2294
02:00:29,514 --> 02:00:30,754
- No.
- Yes.
2295
02:00:30,849 --> 02:00:32,305
Here we go. Bring it in.
2296
02:00:32,392 --> 02:00:33,382
Come on.
2297
02:00:33,518 --> 02:00:34,804
Pelvis to pelvis.
2298
02:00:34,978 --> 02:00:36,218
Let's go tip to tip.
2299
02:00:36,396 --> 02:00:38,888
There we go.
The kids call this docking.
2300
02:00:38,982 --> 02:00:40,564
(KNIFE UNSHEATHES)
2301
02:00:40,650 --> 02:00:41,765
ls there a knife in my dick?
2302
02:00:41,860 --> 02:00:44,022
There's a knife in your dick.
I'm just gonna back up now.
2303
02:00:44,112 --> 02:00:45,944
- Yeah, yeah.
- No need to go full Yentl.
2304
02:00:46,030 --> 02:00:48,692
Gonna pretend
like that never happened.
2305
02:00:48,867 --> 02:00:50,778
Let's go home, Russell.
2306
02:00:54,456 --> 02:00:56,197
All you dirty mutants
2307
02:00:56,291 --> 02:00:58,703
are gonna rot in hell
with the boy!
2308
02:00:58,877 --> 02:01:01,835
Your souls
are beyond redemption!
2309
02:01:02,005 --> 02:01:03,245
Let's see your soul, perv!
2310
02:01:03,339 --> 02:01:06,127
No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!
2311
02:01:06,217 --> 02:01:07,378
We're better than him!
2312
02:01:07,469 --> 02:01:10,131
No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed!
2313
02:01:10,221 --> 02:01:11,757
We'll let karma
take care of him.
2314
02:01:11,848 --> 02:01:14,840
The day of reckoning is here!
2315
02:01:15,810 --> 02:01:17,050
(TIRES SCREECHING)
2316
02:01:17,187 --> 02:01:18,348
(CRASHING)
2317
02:01:24,194 --> 02:01:26,185
I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.
2318
02:01:26,321 --> 02:01:27,482
Whoo!
2319
02:01:27,572 --> 02:01:29,062
Courage, motherfuckers!
2320
02:01:29,240 --> 02:01:30,480
And karma, motherfucker.
2321
02:01:30,575 --> 02:01:32,111
DEADPOOL: I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.
2322
02:01:32,202 --> 02:01:34,159
I could barely keep
a straight face. (LAUGHS)
2323
02:01:34,245 --> 02:01:36,031
I want some more.
2324
02:01:36,206 --> 02:01:37,867
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
2325
02:01:37,957 --> 02:01:40,949
We should leave
before Fuckernaut wakes up.
2326
02:01:41,544 --> 02:01:43,660
Good call.
You guys coming with us?
2327
02:01:43,838 --> 02:01:45,749
No, we'll get the kids
back to the mansion.
2328
02:01:45,840 --> 02:01:47,126
Besides, we're X-Men.
2329
02:01:47,425 --> 02:01:49,962
No, you're X-People.
2330
02:01:50,136 --> 02:01:51,422
You're exhausting.
2331
02:01:51,513 --> 02:01:53,174
I see what you did there.
Puns.
2332
02:01:53,348 --> 02:01:54,713
Our door's always open.
2333
02:01:54,808 --> 02:01:56,549
That's kind, but
I'm not ready to date again.
2334
02:01:56,643 --> 02:01:57,633
Let alone two women.
2335
02:01:58,770 --> 02:02:00,386
God, you're a douche.
2336
02:02:00,522 --> 02:02:02,604
- Bye, Wade!
- Bye, Yukio!
2337
02:02:02,690 --> 02:02:04,021
(WE BELONG PLAYING)
2338
02:02:05,360 --> 02:02:06,395
DEADPOOL: What do you get
2339
02:02:06,486 --> 02:02:07,567
when you take
eight feet of chrome...
2340
02:02:07,654 --> 02:02:08,769
one pinch of courage...
2341
02:02:08,863 --> 02:02:10,069
a cup of good luck...
2342
02:02:10,156 --> 02:02:11,646
a dab of racism...
2343
02:02:11,741 --> 02:02:12,902
a splash of diabetes...
2344
02:02:12,992 --> 02:02:15,324
and a wheelbarrow
full of stage four cancer?
2345
02:02:15,745 --> 02:02:17,907
Answer: a family.
2346
02:02:18,498 --> 02:02:21,581
See? I didn't lie
what kind of film this was-
2347
02:02:21,668 --> 02:02:22,954
If there's anything
you take away today...
2348
02:02:23,044 --> 02:02:26,162
other than the need to Google,
"What the fuck is dubstep?"...
2349
02:02:26,256 --> 02:02:29,044
it's that we all need
to belong to someone.
2350
02:04:26,125 --> 02:04:27,832
How something so small generates
2351
02:04:27,919 --> 02:04:29,455
enough energy
to reverse time is...
2352
02:04:29,545 --> 02:04:31,877
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
2353
02:04:31,965 --> 02:04:34,206
or I'll take it
to the Genius Bar.
2354
02:04:34,300 --> 02:04:35,461
Cable's gonna kill you
when he finds out.
2355
02:04:35,551 --> 02:04:36,541
Never heard of him.
2356
02:04:36,636 --> 02:04:38,092
Why do you think
I'm helping him?
2357
02:04:39,389 --> 02:04:41,596
The Lord works
in mysterious ways,
2358
02:04:41,683 --> 02:04:43,924
don't I? A good day.
2359
02:04:44,686 --> 02:04:45,676
Bye, Wade!
2360
02:04:46,187 --> 02:04:47,177
Bye, Yukio!
2361
02:04:48,523 --> 02:04:50,730
That was probably a bad idea.
2362
02:04:51,067 --> 02:04:52,182
What have we done?
2363
02:04:52,986 --> 02:04:54,977
(IF I COULD TURN BA CK TIME
PLAYING)
2364
02:05:10,628 --> 02:05:12,619
I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.
2365
02:05:12,714 --> 02:05:14,045
- (BOTH PANTING)
- (GASPS)
2366
02:05:22,807 --> 02:05:24,263
I'll be right back!
2367
02:05:26,227 --> 02:05:28,764
We're definitely naming
our kid Cher!
2368
02:05:29,147 --> 02:05:30,137
Whoo!
2369
02:05:31,983 --> 02:05:33,223
DEADPOOL: Peter!
2370
02:05:33,317 --> 02:05:34,853
Whoo! X-Force!
2371
02:05:34,944 --> 02:05:37,151
Walk away! Just walk away!
2372
02:05:38,031 --> 02:05:39,863
But we're X-Force!
Nope! We're not.
2373
02:05:40,074 --> 02:05:41,405
X-Force is just a marketing tool
2374
02:05:41,492 --> 02:05:42,732
designed by Fox executives...
2375
02:05:42,827 --> 02:05:44,488
to keep Josh Brolin employed.
2376
02:05:44,579 --> 02:05:45,865
It doesn't exist.
2377
02:05:46,122 --> 02:05:49,331
All right, well,
this has been pretty scary!
2378
02:05:49,500 --> 02:05:51,036
And I need to feed my cat!
2379
02:05:51,210 --> 02:05:53,577
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
2380
02:05:53,755 --> 02:05:56,998
Okay. Will you give
Domino my email?
2381
02:06:06,184 --> 02:06:08,050
Wade, is that you?
2382
02:06:10,313 --> 02:06:11,644
I guess Stryker finally
2383
02:06:11,731 --> 02:06:13,096
figured out how to shut you up.
2384
02:06:15,985 --> 02:06:17,350
(GUNSHOT)
2385
02:06:19,697 --> 02:06:22,940
Hey! It's me!
Don't scratch!
2386
02:06:23,117 --> 02:06:25,108
Just cleaning up the timelines!
2387
02:06:25,203 --> 02:06:28,992
Look, eventually you're
going to hang up the claws...
2388
02:06:29,082 --> 02:06:31,323
and it's gonna make
a lot of people very sad.
2389
02:06:31,709 --> 02:06:32,699
Huh?
2390
02:06:32,794 --> 02:06:34,410
But one day, your old pal
Wade's gonna ask you...
2391
02:06:34,504 --> 02:06:36,461
to get back in the saddle again.
2392
02:06:37,340 --> 02:06:39,877
And when he does, say yes.
2393
02:06:41,135 --> 02:06:43,092
Oh, right.
(GUNSHOTS)
2394
02:06:44,013 --> 02:06:45,299
(WHISPERS) Love you!
2395
02:06:47,683 --> 02:06:49,299
Goddamn, that's beautiful.
2396
02:06:50,895 --> 02:06:51,885
(GUNSHOT)
2397
02:06:56,692 --> 02:06:58,524
You're welcome, Canada.
2398
02:07:11,040 --> 02:07:12,201
Boy howdy.
2399
02:07:14,085 --> 02:07:16,952
Hi. This is a toughie.
(BABY CRYING)
2400
02:07:17,046 --> 02:07:18,036
Yeesh.
2401
02:07:18,339 --> 02:07:20,751
Oh, yes. You're already
practicing your salute, huh?
2402
02:07:21,968 --> 02:07:24,756
Yes, you are. Well, we'll
take care of that, won't we?
2403
02:07:24,846 --> 02:07:27,634
Jesus Christ! This is
so much harder than I thought.
2404
02:07:28,474 --> 02:07:30,056
Oh, I'm going to hell.
2405
02:07:30,143 --> 02:07:31,725
That makes two of us.
2406
02:07:31,894 --> 02:07:32,975
You can do this.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
2407
02:07:33,146 --> 02:07:36,138
This is crazy. This is crazy.
This is crazy. This is crazy.
2408
02:07:36,232 --> 02:07:37,393
All right.
2409
02:07:38,442 --> 02:07:39,557
(SIGHS)
2410
02:07:44,740 --> 02:07:46,651
Maximum effort.
2411
02:07:47,160 --> 02:07:50,118
(IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME
CONTINUES PLAYING)
2412
02:09:08,366 --> 02:09:10,357
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
2413
02:12:54,550 --> 02:12:56,291
(CHOIR SINGING)
2414
02:13:24,830 --> 02:13:27,071
That's okay.
Let me see here.
2415
02:13:27,166 --> 02:13:28,622
Oh, God.
2416
02:13:28,709 --> 02:13:30,620
That's why you're
such a little bastard.
2417
02:13:30,711 --> 02:13:32,622
No one's ever changed you.
2418
02:13:33,130 --> 02:13:35,838
Yeah, you got a big, old
stinky in there, don't you?
2419
02:13:35,925 --> 02:13:38,383
God, it smells like
Hitler's anus...
2420
02:13:38,761 --> 02:13:41,298
which would makes sense,
wouldn't it? Yeah.
2421
02:13:41,388 --> 02:13:42,503
I think we both know
2422
02:13:42,598 --> 02:13:43,713
I don't have
what it takes to do this...
2423
02:13:43,807 --> 02:13:46,174
so I'm just gonna change
your diaper real quick...
2424
02:13:46,268 --> 02:13:48,134
and then I'm gonna come back
with my friend, Cable.
2425
02:13:48,229 --> 02:13:49,560
He loves killing kids.
167886
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