Original subtitles

HITLER IS KAPUT!

As the Second World War ended,

an informant used by the SS

told the Reich Main Security Office that the execution of Rabinovich,

a Jew considered too lucky by the Nazis,

was the only hope of the Reich.

Listen, occupant comrades!

This must be a mistake.

I've only played the harpsichord with the fascist-supporting orchestra.

I never hurt a single Nazi. Even in thought.

I'm allergic to metal and I have asthma.

I am suffering from chronic gastritis and diabetes.

My doctor has forbidden me to participate in any executions.

Fellow comrades, do not kill me, it is Shabbat.

Attention.

Load.

Fire!

Shurenberg pestered HQ

for a meeting with Hitler.

The F�rher, a chronic depressive,

had a taste for unnecessary meetings.

"Thank God it's Friday!", the great Russian spy said to himself.

Run, Rabinovich, run!

- "Heil Hitler." - "Heil."

Papers, please.

SOVIET SPY CARD

SS SECURITY SERVICE

Be more careful in the future, Standartenf�hrer.

"And there goes a week's pay",

Shurenberg thought.

GESTAPO HILLS

FRAGILE!

PROPERTY OF ADOLF

GENERAL PARTY

Beautiful.

"Sch�n, sch�n."

Who has some dollar to lend me?

Sorry, "mein F�hrer"

The pigs pulled me over this morning, fined me all I've got.

- Have you been drinking? - No!

I had to put the pedal to the metal to arrive on time.

I sympathise, man.

M�ller?

I'll pay you back on Monday.

Addy, is this a good idea?

- It's for my ill health. - I'm sure...

"Auf Wiedersehen."

Tuck back that belly.

I'll get you one of these days.

A true Aryan.

Shurenberg left work early that day,

to take his ride for a cruise

in the moonlit streets of Berlin.

The glorious victory of May 9 would soon take place ...

007 Sra�e

... yet there were still

many espionage missions to fulfil.

And you, how are you?

You look healthy.

Another sprouting.

You're almost there.

It's so beautiful. God be praised.

Kuzmich!

Aleksandr Isaevich.

So, how are you?

How is work going?

I don't particularly want to talk about it.

- What is it? - I'm sick and tired of it.

Tired of all these stories of espionage. I am homesick.

I see. Keep holding on, you're a superhero

responsible for protecting the nation's oil.

You should relax, my boy.

I left you something in the fridge, it will please you.

You're a real pal.

What would I do without you?

I fight because I am satisfied that

the German people have decided to shed their blood to build

a strong and admired nation...

This is too good!

Intensive fitness program.

Not more than 14 hours of sleep per night.

And then it's off to another day of drudgery with the Gestapo.

TOP SECRET DEPARTMENT

TOP SECRET

SILENCE! CONFERENCE IN PROGRESS!

BORMAN

What I would give to be in Cabo.

SMOKING AREA

It seems that the building is infested microphones.

It was on the roof.

What to do? We must admit it. The Russians are pros.

It seems someone has done their homework.

Everything is in order.

He starts to annoy me. I'm sure he's a spy.

This accusation, is it based on evidence?

Not yet, but it will come.

Then put it on hold,

or you will suffer constipation from the incredibly stiff stick up your arse.

Shurenberg must comply with the orders of the conspiracy.

Lingering in places frequented by the Nazis

was one of his obligations.

Shurenberg hated company parties.

He forced himself to follow rigorous discipline

and sometimes had to slow down.

Alright!~~~

Hans. Klaus.

Yeah bro!

- Olaf. - Where have you been hiding, honey?

The job, girls.

THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP OF "HEIL, HITLER"

UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION 1943

- Gruppenf�hrer. - Shurenberg.

- A quick game? - No funny business this time.

That's low. The light falls only on the board.

- Yes? - Yes.

- Such a move, really? - You are very insolent.

Take this.

Don't count your chickens before they are hatched...

The bald make bad players.

- Shall we cut to brass tacks? - Have you been promoted?

Quite to the contrary. And I need cash.

Looking at you, Shurenberg, I say:

"That's a Nazi as he should be."

A bright boy, effective and loyal to the Reich.

But sometimes, I ...

Yes, occasionally I look at you and I think,

without wanting to offend you,

there's a good face of a slave.

You think it's fun to see your boobs move like a flan?

Front, back! Front, back!

I want to go home! To Mom's!

Drink a glass of vodka,

the nice Soviet type.

Embrace who I am

and spend my holidays in Turkey dancing.

But I am the in the Third Reich among morons!

Shurenberg nearly blew his cover.

Checkmate.

Better luck next time.

So dirty occupants is it party time or what?!

Aww hell no!

Kuzmich, please, close the fridge door.

I'm tired of having to defrost it all the time.

MOSCOW KREMLIN

POST OFFICE OF THE SOVIET UNION

In Moscow, the sky will remain cloudy all day.

We predict thawing for tomorrow.

Expect melted snow

and slushy conditions.

A hurricane is expected in the suburbs.

In Rublyovka Hills, we will have a dry and sunny

day with a slight breeze and becoming hot and wet

as you go... further south.

We expect a 50% off sale at Chanel

where temperatures will reach 22 degrees.

mark this in your diaries and take advantage of this hot offer.

A spy without a coded message

can sink to the lake bottom like a stone.

Shurenberg knew he still had to decipher this strange message.

He knew he had to relax if he wanted to decipher the code,

but nothing worked.

He took out his

"Code Word Pocket Dictionary"

He had a hunch that this message would disrupt and upset his life.

He spent the night recording the information,

and at daybreak, the message eventually became clear.

SHE'S SINGLE

Hello, I'm Zina, your decryptor.

Sasha Osechkin, spy.

A beautiful landing.

Enchanted.

Likewise.

Zina ...

Such a lovely name.

- And quite rare. - You are spiritual.

- You are cute. - You're extraordinary.

We have only just met. How can you judge?

I have this hunch.

I'm not sugar but I'll melt.

- Have I seen you somewhere before? - Certainly on the net.

I must warn the central; they could be worried.

I'll take this opportunity to update my Facebook status!

Err, perhaps you'd better not. He has a way to go.

Can I take you to the safe house?

How do you travel?

I travel by ski and I love to ATV. And you?

Ice skates.

- Will these rollers do the trick? - No, but we will do with.

No more secret code on our the rendezvous.

- Can we at least still use the roller skates? - Let's spy and then we'll talk.

"Heil Hitler."

Ironman Hans von Eisen. It's been a while, How are you?

As usual. The kids who whine,

the death rattle of the bourgeois, a lazy wife ...

Finally, a happy life.

I see.

But I would not be bothered personal problems.

I charge 300 Reichsmark an hour for family therapy. Something of a hobby.

But let's talk business.

Here, take a look at this.

I'm sure Shurenberg is a Soviet spy.

But, Gruppenf�hrer, we've tried radio tapping.

It is useless. I would have less trouble getting pregnant.

Why would you do that?

You'd be tired, whimsical, ill.

Search the world over.

We must find out if he is. Think about it.

Put a contract on his head.

At the expense of the taxpayer?

Do something: threat, questioning ...

Rape with foreign objects. The old methods!

How you doin' nigga? Where you goin'?

You got the rhythm in the blood, my brother!

This shit moves the city man. Gimme five.

The only person in the whole Reich

Shurenberg respected

was an American SuperAgent

working undercover

as Hitler's personal DJ:

50 Shillings.

I have decided to

stay here in Berlin to enjoy the victories and advances

our great reich!

I will review my plans. There are too many successes for a leader!

So many so that I could burst!

Und das ist Hitler!

And they, our friendly soldiers!

Them, the Russians pigs!

No, help, leave me alone!

Is that clear?

I told you all that with heart on hand

our soldiers can be proud of their work across the Reich.

They will come back full of medals on the torso, and stories in the head.

They are the vectors of our triumph,

their hands stained with the enemy's blood,

with the desire to suck the udders of the nation.

Blitzkrieg, blitzkrieg, blitzkrieg, blitzkrieg!

Shurenberg!

To the table!

This does not interest you?

- Not at all, "mein F�hrer!" - Not at all it does, or not at all it doesn't?

It does, "mein F�hrer!"

Then repeat what I said, "bitte".

- Absolutely everything? - From A to Z.

Some nerve, eh?

All those years of training would be used for something.

I enjoy

advances our reich.

These are successes too one officer must ensure!

I tell you the heart to the hand!

That is Hitler.

And they, our friendly soldiers.

Yes, yes ...

And they, the Russian soldiers.

This is wonderful!

Is that clear?

The Gestapo launched an invitation for tenders for a secret weapon.

The Kremlin asked Shurenberg to keep an eye on the project.

- "Heil Hitler." - Enough, Shurenberg.

At a time when the Allies progress in our country,

you scuttle around like a ballerina.

But I think only of the victory of our Reich.

Please, anything but that.

The shot of patriotism ...

Stop being the problem child at work, you hear?.

I have a mission for you.

MISSION OF THE DAY: DEATH RAY LASER

The secret weapon we wanted.

You will make me a business plan.

30% increase in the budget, half under the table.

No bullshit, Shurenberg.

Do your homework. No stains on your notebook.

Or on the bed sheets.

I want a good note.

It's out of the question to defecate on the flowers!

It messes up the buds. Is that clear?

Questions?

- I can't grope girls? - It is a distraction.

This mission is the last hope of the Reich.

We do not fiddle with the babes.

I appreciate the confidence you bear me.

I will not disappoint you even if I can not fiddle.

Sometimes I just feel like jumping.

All is well. This is the third time today.

IN MAY: ALL OF GERMANY

ANNA SEMIOMOVICH THE BEST SPY WORLD

Have you no shame?

Engineer Garik? (Famous Armenian/Russian TV entertainer)

- Yes. - The project, I was just trying�

- To study it? - Yeah, examen it.

Don't waste your time.

My weapon is impenetrable.

Here is my May Day Death Ray.

With it, victory is assured.

Sit.

Professor, would you describe yourself as loyal to the Reich?

Standartenf�hrer ...

I'm a businessman. Talk to your superiors.

They make a better offer, I take the money.

And you get a commission.

Let's go.

We can talk here. It is a safe place.

If I tell you something, you won't denounce me,

- will you? - No.

In fact, I can not stand the Nazis.

Thank you for your sincerity.

To be honest, me neither.

- Do we have an understanding? - I think so.

- You work for the Kremlin? - Yes.

Take care of business. Grant me asylum,

a crib in central Moscow,

Three Russians, blonde and affectionate,

and then I'll blow the fucking Nazis.

A tempting proposition. Deal.

I'll have two Big McF�hrers and a large Nordicola with ice.

And fatherland fries.

And fatherland fries!

(unintelligible)

- It'll be ready in a minute. - I'm not deaf.

This is where I spy discreetly.

I eat like a pig. I love it.

A girl who has an appetite, this is rare.

I've always felt like a pregnant woman.

I come from a region that has experienced famine.

I can not help it. I see food,

and I can not resist. I throw myself upon it.

I had a weird childhood too.

When I was angry against someone,

I used to secrete a poisonous saliva.

- You're kidding me. - My mother used me

to kill flies.

- Stop it! - This is the truth!

When I am with you, I feel ...

in my place.

Oi! You, with the remote control.

We can embrace quietly?

ZINA, YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!

Stop! Halt!

Stop!

I know a very fun game they play around the corner. What do you say?

Okay... What kind of game?

"Can you recognise it blind? "

- What, not up for it? - Me?

Houston, we have a problem.

YALTA CONFERENCE, FEB 1945

Where is my tobacco?

And now, my dear Shurenberg,

We loved the Reich and now...

Yes.

The situation is far from rosy.

"Far from rosy." A very appropriate expression.

A simple expression, but appropriate.

I like you a lot. I mean, I really like you.

You too, I mean, err, Obergruppenf�hrer...

- ...I think you're a good person. - Thank you.

You look so inspired, so intelligent and brave ...

- That's nice. - Your smile is bedazzling.

- Thank you, Obergruppenf�hrer. - Believe me,

I'd bet you know, in the true sense, how to satisfy a man.

- I'd rather not. - Love is blind.

- I still have my eyes. - A pitty.

You should let go, forget everything,

and take the leap.

Take the plunge

and jump in to the water like a 14 year-old virgin jugend.

It makes my skin quiver,

the blue sky starts to shiver,

from the grandiose celebration of our race,

and our gay merry meeting in this place.

Obergruppenf�hrer, I did not know you play. Magnifique!

Your intelligence is too sharp,

you are not an Aryan.

What are you playing at, Nazi bitch?

Come on, say it. Come out with it!

Forget it. It's not in my horoscope today, nor yours.

While Shurenberg rolled through the streets of Berlin,

he repeated that he was ready to sacrifice everything for his country.

-except-

the virginal integrity of certain of his orifices.

"Heil", my son.

Hello.

- Have we been drinking, perhaps? - Forget it,

- you'll never catch me out. - Please step out of the vehicle.

Little Red Riding Hood to Central.

The wolf knows the cakes are stuffed cabbage, not beef.

Brackets ...

The Armenian squirrel has left the country.

He needs a pad in town.

Toast.

Completed.

Zinotchka ...

My beloved little witch ...

It's been a while since you last frequented the Moscow clubs.

Girls do these things, you will see ...

This may be your illusion, but you're my witch

the only one who matters.

Sometimes I think about us.

We live in a foreign country, among these fascists.

So far from our dear Russia.

But you're here, to play spies with me.

What would I do without you?

Once back in Moscow what will happen?

Tramps will throw themselves at you.

What are you saying?

They will. And you will succumb, you'll see.

Men are all alike. It doesn't even upset me any more.

Central to Little Red Riding Hood.

We will hook the squirrel up with a first-class crib.

In case of problems, granny will be the backup.

Sasha

I am in my third month.

- Is it mine? - No, Hitler's(!)

Of course, it's yours.

My angel with pink cheeks.

A mother with big tits.

- Are you happy? - Are you kidding or what?

Obviously ...

I'm happy.

Want to see?

Wait!

Look!

I'm happy!

GESTAPO HILLS

Only a seasoned spy as Shurenberg

could keep his wits about him as

Iron Hans von Eisen continued to

watch him closely.

All that remained a mystery were his intentions.

Hans, buddy, What brings you here?

Shurenberg.

Sorry to arrive unannounced. The Gestapo banned texting.

I know. We'll talk about it at the union meeting.

Can I get you anything?

- A tea? - Green Tea. Without caffeine.

What was this weird music that I heard?

Nothing like I've heard before.

It was a bit of trance CMS Nazi techno.

"Tai-pin-ho-ku" Chinese exclusive import.

Shurenberg,

you are aware there are people in the Gestapo

who believe that you are a Soviet spy.

Do you want sugar?

No, but I'll take my tea on a saucer.

- You know, so I don't spill. - Right.

Moving on,

trying to find evidence against you,

is like opening champagne with your buttocks.

It's new and it hurts just thinking.

Suffice to say, it is impossible.

- Milk? - Semi-skimmed. Thank you.

It goes without saying.

Do not get me wrong,

but I was ordered yesterday by M�ller to peruse your file.

I'll have to ask you a few questions.

Fine.

Let's begin.

Have you faxed our plans to Stalin?

This is a routine questionnaire.

Wait.

I left my fingerprints on the fax?

No no.

Continuing. I'll ask the next question.

Question. Will they come out with another "Matrix" movie or not?

Hans, it's a trilogy.

It was a trick question.

You fell into our trap.

We heard your conversation with engineer Garik. Interesting.

So he escapes to Moscow?

He thinks we suck, is that it?

You know?

Wait! That's in my file?

Leave it at that. Otherwise I will hurt you.

The more Shurenberg felt anger come over him,

the more poison filled his mouth.

I warned you, stupid Iron Man.

My darling, what are you doing?

Come to bed. Without you, I can not sleep.

I'm coming, sweetheart.

I have to work late.

- I'll be right there. - Hurry up.

Not too loud, huh? Otherwise we will awake Zina.

THE ASHES OF IRON HANS VON EISEN

RETURN HOME, DIRTY COMMUNIST!

Hidden deep in suburban Berlin

was the safe house of the Red Army.

Nobody could distinguish it from the other apartments.

"Heil", Machin. A and B are on a boat.

A fall in the water and B disappears.

- Who are you then? Tell me! - NKVD.

Perhaps. Come in.

My cover will soon be blown.

My contract mentions the words "force majeure"

so I came to see you.

I see, yes.

Being unmasked is unpleasant.

Humiliation, interrogation,

tweezers, curlers.

- Curlers? - The permanent ass hair.

- Have you been tortured? - Huh?

No, it's just Chianti. I partied yesterday.

With some metal workers. True saints.

Well, let's get your equipment.

This is a beautiful sofa I love the decor.

I live alone. I spend my hours masturbating.

Well, let's see.

What have we here?

So ...

Cyanide

Valium, gags,

handcuffs, range,

slip alternative crosswords, leather whip

and obviously, pear enema.

In other words, basic survival kit.

- But what about the ... - "Niet."

No tickets for the Moscow Midget Circus.

Speaking of circus

you see that briefcase there?

It's for you. Engineer Garik asked me to give it to you.

He arrived in Moscow and is doing well.

He opened a casino.

Clients from the Kremlin down to the workers at the local kebab.

Russian resistance. What can I do for you?

No, we do not do home delivery

before 7 o'-clock.

Your dues as promised. 10% commission.

MOTHER RUSSIA

NEUTRAL GROUND

TO THE REICH

For you, comrade, the right door.

MOTHER RUSSIA

I want to go East, you can not imagine how badly.

Listen,

I'll get Zina and we'll all take the door.

Zina was arrested at dawn.

Gestapo torture for three hours.

It must be in the process of braking her soul.

I would suggest trying to release her,

but the orders are clear: return home to Russia.

Sorry, man.

I can not.

Be reasonable.

Return home.

You do not need Zina.

One can very easily live without a woman.

I give you my couch.

It's yours.

Sorry.

A hero has obligations.

Who is your contact?

Never.

Who is your contact?

Shurenberg!

I am delighted to see you here, Herr Clever-Boy.

At the mall

we stopped a Russian radio operator.

Do you know her?

- Who is your contact? - Never.

Try not to cry.

Why would I know her?

What's wrong?

I think I caught a cold. I'm dizzy.

Get well soon!

Shurenberg imagined Zina

at the shopping mall.

He sympathised with the pain of his dearest.

Against the wall! Come on, hurry!

Drop your weapons!

Drop them

continues

Sasha! Sasha

- Sasha - Zina

Come on, babes!

Yes.

Yes.

Passionately signed, Borman.

Order:

Transfer the attendant

custody Standartenf�hrer SS Shurenberg. Signed, Herr Borman.

And you wore it?

A Gucci? Are you kidding?

Hugo Boss is far more dashing.

I'll call you later.

- Admit it. Who is your hairdresser? - Never!

- "Heil Hitler." - "Heil."

Frau Otto, new orders.

I will try to get something out of the peasant.

PAIN, INJURY, EMERGENCY EXIT

Where is Shurenberg, that son of a *****

I'll **** him from behind!

And when I'm finished, I will not hesitate

to rip your *** open

and I'll **** in it!

50 Shilling.

50 Shilling, let's do this shit, yeah?

Why don't we go to Chile, in the spring?

No!

All the Gestapo go. I get tired of seeing the same losers.

So start holidaying in Dubai.

It is expensive.

And I drowning at work.

Who will take care of the Reich in my absence?

There has to be someone for the job. There is more to life.

- Eva, do not blame me. - Blame you?

Well, I'll talk to M�ller. He'll perhaps have time for me.

Forgive me.

I have a lot of trouble because of all the stress.

You have your makeup bag?

Of course. What would I do without it?

You're crazy ...

It was you who took my nightie?

What nightie?

My Dolce & Gabbana leopard skin nightie.

You crazy? I spent the day trying to save you!

Okay?

Do not talk to me like that!

Sorry, kitten, I am a little on my nerves today.

Anyway, this makeup kit?

Taxi!

- How much to take us to the frontier? - 80 euros.

- It's just 20 minutes! - Go on foot.

If you don't like it you can ride in the back of a pickup like the other illegals.

For the front?

Dirty crook!

Idiot!

What are you waiting for?

Hit the gas!

We're here.

Just a minute, boss. Let me catch my breath,

for once.

PASSPORT CONTROL

FRONTIER

Zina and Shurenberg were heading through Passport Control

and were relieved they weren't Muslims.

Dear Nazis, thank you kindly leave your keys,

phones, computers and handgun safety.

FRONTIER

WELCOME! ENTRY VERBOTTEN!

- Hello there. - Hello.

WANTED ENEMY OF THE STATE

They are there.

Bring them for interrogation.

Zina, run!

Yes?

"Ja ..." I let him pass, ja.

Come. This is where it ends.