Original subtitles

Hey, that guy's pretty good.

(APPLAUDING)

And judging from the crowd, he must be

really hot... Diggety-dog!

What happened to Stuart?

Good-night, Central Park!

Remember to tip your nannies!

Wow! Ditto!

Stuart, you sound great. And you look...

And I mean this in the nicest possible way,

so not like you.

Meet Stuart 2.0, the newer, cooler model.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I might want to kick the tires

and take that cooler model for a test drive.

Know what I mean?

I hope not.

Honestly, I can't take all the credit for my transformation.

So, who does get the credit?

And can I get an appointment with them before my high school reunion?

I owe it all to my new nanny, Hudson.

Well, where is this miracle worker?

He's around. He said if I need him,

to just blow on this conch shell.

(BLOWING)

What's going on, Stu-dog?

I'm in the middle of a crazy Ultimate Disc game.

Whoo. Ow, ow, ow!

What is he? A nanny, or a German shepherd?

Hey, bro and bro-citas.

I'm Hudson, and I'm not a nanny.

I'm a manny. (JESSIE CHUCKLES)

Well, whatever you are, you're not very good at it.

You left your charge unsupervised in the park.

No, I left him unsupervised in the deli.

He made his own way to the park.

Hey, Stu-dog, why don't you

and your little friend go dive for pennies in that duck pond?

Whoever holds their breath the longest, gets a dollar!

Do you realize how dangerous that is?

(WATER SPLASHING) Yeah, that's why they're playing for a dollar.

Wow, neglectful and cheap.

I'm surprised I haven't dated you yet.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Siblings, fabulous news!

This weekend is the Walden Academy talent show.

Are either of you going to participate?

Ha! No.

Dude, only dorks do that stuff.

You're doing it, aren't you?

I was the first one to sign up!

(SIGHS)

I plan on wowing the crowd with my cup stacking routine.

What the heck is cup stacking?

It is the delicate art of briskly stacking cups, then unstacking them,

then stacking them again.

So your talent is chores?

No! Have you not seen kids doing it on the internet?

It is very cool!

Just because it's on the internet doesn't mean it's cool.

Have you watched Bertram's boy band audition?

Actually, would you watch it?

Somehow, I'm at negative seven views.

Ravi, I don't want to see you get up on stage and embarrass yourself.

Yeah, I see enough of that in gym class

when you try to climb the rope.

Seriously, what is the point of that?

Hello, they make ladders now.

Anyway, if I do not do cup stacking, then what could I do?

Something people want to see.

Like a big song and dance routine!

That is a great idea!

Except I cannot sing or dance!

Well, I can teach you to dance.

I can teach you to sing.

And I can you how do it all with pizzazz and style!

You all would do that for me?

Beats doing homework. Beats doing work work.

(GIGGLING) I get to use glitter!

Zuri, Stuart, did you wash your hands?

Aw, come on. Who ever said a little dirt was bad for you?

Uh, science.

And I'm sure you've noticed by now that Stuart's a bit of a germaphobe.

That was the old me.

Hudson says living with dirt and pathogens builds my resistance to disease.

We live with Luke.

We must be immortal!

No offense, but that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

So, I suppose you wash your hands

after you go to the bathroom, too?

Yes. Yes, I do.

And I'm really starting to regret shaking yours.

Well, I think kids can pretty much take care of themselves.

You're a nanny! Your entire livelihood

is based on the fact that kids can't take care of themselves!

Jessie, chill.

Whatever Hudson's doing, it's working.

He's taken the 'ew' out of Stuart.

Zuri, that's not nice.

No, she's right. I used to be a real uptight mess...

Kind of like you.

I am not uptight! Okay, kids just need boundaries!

Stop worrying so much.

You know what they say, kids have nine lives.

That's cats! Cats have nine lives!

Exactly. That's why cats can be

anything they want to be when they grow up.

No, that's kids!

Cats, kids, what's the difference?

(CHUCKLES) Wow, I'm glad you're not a pediatrician!

Now, before you wow them at the talent show,

you need to learn some of the basics.

Here's a simple major scale.

Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do!

Now you try.

Do... Do...

Little lower. Do...

Do... Little, little lower.

Do... Re... Mi... Fee... Fie... Foe... Fum...

(SHRILLY) Do!

Nailed it.

We'll work on the minor scale right after I pick-up a pint of AB positive.

Wow, bummer that the planetarium was closed.

But at least we got out for some fresh air.

This is New York. The only thing fresh was

the guy sitting next to me on the subway.

Hey, he taught the kids some new words.

Yeah, and if you use them,

there's a bar of soap in your future.

So, I guess rain-check on the planetarium.

Don't sweat it, we will reskedge.

Great! How about this weekend?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll.

Stu-dog doesn't like to be tied down on a leash.

It'll happen when it happens.

I'm available whenever you are.

I hope it's soon! I'll be waiting by the phone!

Dial it back, Zuri.

Too needy, too needy!

Listen, we can still have a killer night under the stars.

We'll just go sit on the ledge and look at the real night sky!

Wha... Zuri and Stuart cannot sit on the ledge!

They might fall.

Hudson, feel free.

Huh.

You can't really see many stars in New York.

Unless you count when Jessie gazes

at Ryan Gosling through the window at Zabar's.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Man, can that guy schmear a bagel.

Well, if it's a show in the night sky you want,

allow me to oblige.

Who wants to see some fireworks?

Me! Oh, goodie!

I mean, that could be dope.

You carry illegal fireworks with you?

Duh.

It would be irresponsible to leave them lying around

where they could fall into the wrong hands.

I think they already have.

Look, would you just relax?

I'm a responsible adult.

Stop being such a wet blanket.

We need a wet blanket!

We need a wet blanket!

And this is why we don't play

"Hit the Fern with a Bottle Rocket!"

Well, everyone's alive, so...

No harm, no foul. (CHUCKLES)

It's a major foul! You just back-drafted our balcony!

Because you made me nervous with all of your hovering!

Because you made me nervous

with all of your talk about how warning labels are just suggestions!

Look, can't you two just chillax?

Yeah, on the bright side,

this life and death situation has brought me and Stuart closer.

Much like our grill and lounge chair,

which are now fused together.

We're the ones who should be mad.

You put out the fire before we could make s'mores!

Thanks a lot, quick-draw.

Hudson, I think you should leave.

You're obviously a bad influence,

and I can't have you around Zuri.

Oh, yeah? Mmm-hmm.

Well, I can't have you around Stuart.

I don't want him hanging out with somebody who's such a buzzkill!

Now you separate us?

Where were you when he was being all creepy

and shaved my name in his hair?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

This is hecka lame, brah! Stu-dog's about to go off!

Can it, Stu-dog! Can it, Stu-dog!

Whoa.

Please tell me Mrs. Kipling didn't lay that,

or we're gonna have a Godzilla situation on our hands.

This is going to be Ravi's big entrance for the talent show.

The egg represents an opportunity to burst out of his shell.

RAVI: Ow-wee! I hurt my hand on this rigid material

you used to make the egg.

It's tissue paper!

RAVI: Yes! But it is two-ply.

You think dressing Ravi like a chicken is going to help him be popular?

He's an eagle! Ready to spread his wings and fly!

He better fly, because people will be lined up in the hallway to pluck him.

Okay, Ravi,

did you practice this opening dance move last night?

Does this answer your question?

(GRUNTING)

So, no?

I practiced that for six hours!

I did not do any of my homework...

For next week. Naturally, this week is already done.

Wait a minute? We had school this week?

Zuri, where are you?

Quit pouting about Stuart and I'll take you to see any movie you want!

Within reason!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I can't find Stuart! I think he ran away!

Wha... Zuri's missing too!

They're probably together.

Oh, no! We lost the kids!

What are we gonna do?

Don't worry, I know how to find Zuri.

Because your nanny-child bond is so strong

that you've developed a sixth sense for knowing exactly where she is?

No, no, I put a tracking device on her.

Follow me.

(SNORING) (DEVICE BEEPING)

I don't get it! The app says Zuri's in the room.

(RAPID BEEPING) Oh, no!

Bertram fell asleep on Zuri!

Help me!

(GRUNTING)

What're you looking for?

A Zuri pancake!

Oh, thank goodness!

Zuri's not crushed!

Although, I think I can hear this pillow crying.

Here's Zuri's watch!

I could have told you what time it was without you

throwing me off the couch!

(SCOFFS) I'm just amazed it still works.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, great, another person in my life to hate.

I don't want to lose my job!

I can't go back to teaching yoga! It's too high-pressure!

Then help me find them!

Stuart. Little dude, let me hear you!

Blow that conch shell, Stu-dog!

(DISTANT HONKING)

Uh...

I can't hear the signal over all those road-raging cabbies!

And that is one of the many,

many reasons we do not communicate via seashell!

There's no sign of Stuart anywhere!

Zuri, either! And I went to all her favorite places.

The zoo, the free sample bakery,

the Rooty-Tooty Cowboy Bootery...

Miranda Lambert's doing a chaps signing there today.

Well, I struck out at the Flaxseed Emporium.

Stuart's really into fiber. Hmm.

How did this happen?

Oh, probably because both of his parents are bowel surgeons.

No, I mean how did everything get so messed up?

I came to New York to become a famous novelist,

fell out of a cab, then lucked into a gig as Stuart's nanny.

And now I'm blowing it all!

Ah, you wouldn't understand what that's like.

Are you kidding? You're basically me with man-hands.

These hands aren't fit to husk Stuart's flaxseeds!

I just can't believe they ran off without saying anything.

Yeah. Stuart really should have put that in the note he left.

He left a note?

I know, right? What kid doesn't text these days?

It says they're going to hang out under the stars.

I just thought that meant they were going to

hide from us until it got dark.

Or they went somewhere where they can see the stars right now.

I see what you're saying.

Zuri and Stuart went to...

The planetarium! Hollywood!

Right. The planetarium.

That makes more sense.

Stuart,

this is so romantic.

Um, aren't you going to tell me

my eyes twinkle brighter than all the stars in the galaxy?

Nah, Stu-dog doesn't do all that.

Well, are you going to say anything nice about me?

You're a'ight.

You know, I'm not so sure I like the new Stuart.

What's not to like, babe?

You used to be the one who did all the chasing, and now I'm doing that.

And it is way too much work!

I am a chasee, not a chaser!

But, I thought you hated the way I used to come on so strong.

(SIGHS) Look, just because a person doesn't want to go to the party

doesn't mean they don't want to be invited.

So, you're saying you really liked being worshipped?

Duh.

I want the old Stuart back.

Really?

Done.

Whew! What a relief!

Welcome back, old friend.

Welcome back, Stuart.

Now, let's get this universe started.

Okay, but the beauty of the heavens

could never compare to the beauty right in front of me.

Aw! That's more like it.

(LOUD HUMMING)

It's too loud!

There are no clouds!

This is about the Big Bang!

(RUMBLING)

Zuri?

(SCREAMING)

I am okay, but that bang was too big!

(APPLAUSE)

Bertram, how did Ravi's singing lessons go?

Let's just say there are no flowers left alive in the penthouse.

Ugh.

Luke, any chance Ravi's dancing is going to knock the crowd off their feet?

The only person getting knocked off his feet will be Ravi.

Seriously, it's like he's dancing in swim fins!

Well, hopefully he won't get the chance to embarrass himself.

Unless he's been secretly lifting weights,

he's never getting out of that egg.

ZURI: Help! I'm stuck.

Help me.

I'm sorry, Zuri, it's too heavy!

This is no job for a wordsmith!

Then run and get help!

Running is also no job for a wordsmith!

Stuart, there you are! Where's Zuri?

She's under the scaffolding! (GASPING)

Fret not, my sweet, authority figures are here!

Someone get this off of me!

You can't possibly lift that!

(GRUNTING)

How did you lift that?

(SIGHS)

When one of my kids is in trouble,

my super-human nanny strength kicks in.

Oh!

I think your nanny strength is still kicking.

Sorry. It's kinda hard to turn it off.

You should not have run away!

You either, Stuart!

You two are so grinded!

He means grounded!

Well, you left us no choice!

Why should your petty squabbles

get in the way of our resplendent love?

I see Stuart 1.0 is back.

Which is actually good news, because I need someone to do my taxes.

I am not fudging one deduction for you until you two make up,

so Zuri and I can hang out together.

Well, Jessie... (CLEARS THROAT)

Maybe you were right about me being a tad irresponsible.

A tad? You asked the zookeeper

if Stuart could swim with the polar bears!

Jessie, do you want to make nice, or do you want an audit?

Okay, okay!

I'm sorry that Hudson and I didn't think about your feelings.

And...

I'm sure he's not as irresponsible as I thought he was.

Thank you, Jessie!

(LAUGHING) Okay, who wants to go base jump off the Statue of Liberty?

Great idea! Why don't I pack a parachute for you.

Well, thank you, Jessie!

Jessie, where have you been?

Well, you know how I always tell you kids,

never run off to a planetarium closed for renovations

because tumbling scaffolding could crush you to death?

No.

Well, apparently I should have.

Has Ravi gone on yet?

Well, the audience is still here, so... No.

Ladies and gentlemen, my apologies.

I will not be performing the song and dance routine listed in your program.

I am not a singer, nor a dancer,

nor someone capable of breaking through multi-ply material.

My talent lies

in being myself.

Oh, no! He's going to be himself.

And now, I give you the art of cup stacking.

After this, the only way he'll be safe from noogies is if he's home-schooled.

Not that safe.

Hit it, Mrs. Kipling!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

That was awesome!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Wait, who am I supposed to give this to?

No, Ravi. It's yours. You won!

Oh! I'm so proud of you!

I won? I won! Oh, joy!

So this what being popular feels like?

No wonder Emma is always so bubbly.

Congratulations, Ravi.

I'm sorry I told you to change your act.

And I'm sorry we tried to turn you into something you're not.

And I'm sorry, I ever bothered to get involved

in your pathetic little life.

Your apologies are accepted.

Hey, next year let us do a family act.

Jessie, you can be in it, too.

(CHUCKLES) Ravi, that's sweet, but no thank you.

You know, several Walden parents have big showbiz connections.

In that case, try to keep the audience here.

I'm going to run upstairs and grab my baton, my tap shoes, and...

Where am I going to find a monkey on such short notice?

Go, go, go!

Hey, Jess. Hey, Hudson.

Oh no, did Stuart's parents fire you?

Wow, you don't own a lot of stuff.

No...

I brought this over to show you that I am turning over a new leaf.

These are all of my illegal fireworks.

I will not be needing them anymore.

Hmm. Well. that is very mature of you.

But, I don't want them. Why don't you just throw them away?

Sure thing.

(SIRENS BLARING)

I meant dispose of them properly,

not throw them in the fireplace!

I have so much to learn from you about how to be a nanny.

Well, I'll lend you my nanny handbook.

Never mind, you'll have to get your own.

Thanks.

But, it's never gonna teach me to be as good with kids as you.

(SCOFFS)

The kids!

My wallet!

Where are they going?

I don't know, it's not like she has any money up there.

I hope it's not to get her diary.

'Cause, I got that right here.

(LAUGHING)

I can't believe they just left us alone on the streets of New York.

(SCOFFS) They are terrible nannies.