All language subtitles for the.office.us.s07e25.extended.720p.bluray.x264-clue

It's a beautiful
morning at Dunder Mifflin.

Or as I like to
call it, Great Bratton.

Keep it running.

CREED:
Do I love being manager?

I love my kids.
I love real estate.

I love ceramics.
I love my job.

I love wrestling.

Find out what
language this is.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Okay, team building.

On this side of the room,
Stanley, Phyllis, Jim,
Ted, Elroy.

And on this side of
the room, Pam, Meredith,
Phyllis, Creed...

He never called a meeting.

Boboddy. Boboddy.

What does
the first "B"
stand for?

What are we doing?

We're making acronyms.
Okay! What does the
first "B" stand for?

Um, business!

I like it!

Business. Good, Kevin!

All right, the "O."

We need a new manager.

So, after the Navy,
I thought,

"Cool, me
and America are square.
I've done my bit for the flag,

"and time for me
to look out for myself."

I had a buddy
in the paper biz
so I just dove right in.

How was your experience
in the Navy?

It was nuts. Yeah.

I was in Hong Kong
three times.

Still have pretty
crazy flashbacks from that.

Really? What kind of thing
did you do?

Meteorologist.

What do you mean, like
weather surveillance, or...

Predictor.
Constantly had to
predict the weather,

which is...
I'm not a god.
I'm just a guy in a shack

with a pair
of binoculars.

What do you think
about this weather
we're having now?

Don't even talk to me
about the weather, man.

It just all comes
back to me, you know?

There was this one night
I predicted it was gonna
be warm.

I sent 200 men out
without their jackets.

It was 60 degrees
that night,

52, with windchill.

You can't imagine
their faces shivering through
that Carrie Underwood concert.

Your paper experience
is very interesting.

And although
it's mostly manufacturing,

do you think you could
use that experience to
inform decisions here?

Absolutely, yes.

In fact, I actually
have a three-step plan

that I believe
could effectively
double your profits.

Really?
Yeah.

What is it?

(CHUCKLES) Nice try.

I'm sorry.
What is your
three-step plan?

Well, I mean, I can't
just hand you my plan.

I mean, if you guys
give me the job,
then you'll get the plan.

Well, it's an interview,
and we don't know that
you really have the plan.

I'm not gonna just make
up that I have a plan.

I got a plan. Believe me,
you guys want it.
You're in paper, right?

How do we know
that if you don't...

You could just be
saying it to get
the job.

I guess I could be
if I was...

Who would do that?
How about this,

why don't you give
us a part of the plan,

and that way we
know you have it.

Tell you what?
I'll give you part
three of part two.

Not gonna give
you a whole part.

Okay.

Color-code
said documents. T.M.

Did you just
trademark that?
What?

That's a verbal trademark.
That's an agreement.

JIM: We are the search
committee, hand-picked
by our CEO

and tasked to find this
branch's new manager.

Not everyone we
meet will be good,

but someone's
bound to be, right?

And to be honest,

I think a lot of
the decent candidates
are right here in house.

So, I'm not too worried.

But I'm really excited
to spend a lot of time
with Toby and Gabe.

Did you know that
Gabe's last name
was Lewis?

I had no idea.

Good morning.

Morning.
Good morning.

Good morning.

Did you have
a nice drive in?

I did.

I have a solid
relationship with Jo,
the company's owner.

I have management experience.

I have a good
friendship with Jim,

the head of
the search committee.

And it doesn't hurt that I'm

black!

We all know this
is a popularity contest.

And Darryl's
the coolest kid in school.

Used to be Jim.
Hasn't been Jim
in a long time.

It's good.

It's just words,
which will surprise people.

Yeah. It's based on
a really successful cigarette
ad campaign from a while back.

Those were good ads.
Yeah.

They got me smoking
when I was eight.

I couldn't quit smoking
until the government put out
better ads about not smoking.

I love smoking.

I really hope you get it.

The manager job?
No, I'm barely interested.

I just can't not
go for it, you know.
It's not the Bernard way.

We give it
the old college try,

and then in defeat,
we show grace.

Still, I'd really
like to see this office
with you in the boss's chair.

Don't even...
(GROANS)

You in the
boss's chair!
No.

ANDY: In my family,
you don't really
go out and get things.

If you want something,
you write it on a list

and then the housekeeper
goes out and gets it

on Wednesdays and Fridays.

So, I don't know.
I guess you could say
this job is on my list

and we'll see what
Rosa comes back with.

Did you hear anything?

Oh, I'm sure they'll
let us know when
they get the results.

It turns out that
Erin was born in the
basic time and region

that I gave
away a child.

So Phyllis
might be my mom.

I mean, the chances
are tiny, but...

Yeah, probably not.

I mean, it was
a big year for babies.

Porky's had come out.
Yeah.

I'm sure I was just
another Porky's baby.

But why not find out?
Yeah.

(CRUNCHING LOUDLY)

Should you really be
so blatant about that?

They won't make me manager,
and I won't settle for
anything less.

I've gone about as
far as I can here.
That's obvious.

I'm going to take
my talents elsewhere.

Are you really
gonna apply for work
at Scranton Bread Works?

Bread is the paper
of the food industry.
You write your sandwich on it.

Can you do any
better on salary?

Unfortunately, that
range is set at corporate.

What about mileage
when I use my car?

I mean, gas ain't cheap,
you know.
(CHUCKLES)

We think that
25 cents a mile
is pretty generous.

How about 27 and...

When I make
long-distance calls,

will they be monitored,
or is it on the honor system?

Okay.

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

How odd!

A very unusual phone call
from the Senator's office.

The Senator wants me
to have lunch with him
at the Botanical Gardens.

The Botanical Gardens,

Scranton's hidden gem.

Don't eat any berries
you don't recognize.

How will your experience
selling refinery equipment

translate to our
smaller scale here?

You don't work
in sales, do you?

Human resources.

You see,
I sit across from a man,

I see his face,
I see his eyes.

Now, does it matter if
he wants $100 of paper

or $100 million of
deep-sea drilling
equipment?

Don't be a fool.

He wants respect.
He wants love.

He wants to be younger.
He wants to be attractive.

There is no such
thing as a product.

Don't ever think there is.

There is only sex.

Everything is sex.

You understand
that what I'm telling you
is a universal truth, Toby?

Yes.

Okay, I am... I'm almost
a little concerned that

you might be overqualified
for the position.
(LAUGHS)

Do you, um...
Do you think
that you are?

Do I look like someone
who would waste my
own time?

No.

Can you...
(CLEARS THROAT)

You are a man of
great confidence.

Could you speak
a little more to that

and what the role
of confidence

would be in a dialog
with a subordinate?

Will you be heard?

Will you have a voice?

Will I steamroll over you?

Do you feel heard
right now, Jim?

Do you have
a voice right now?

You can answer me.
Yes.

That was your choice,
not mine.

The fallacy is that it
is up to the steamroller.

It is up to the object

whether it will be
flattened or not.

And I can tell just from
the small interaction
we've had already,

you won't be
flattened by anybody.

Do you agree with me, Jim?
Yes.

Yes, you do.

He creeps me out.

But I think he
might be a genius.

Dwight, there's
a call for you
on line 2.

No, thanks.

He's in the shower.

Good luck, Darryl.

Thank you.

Is that the kind of boss
he would be?

Completely insensitive to
the insecurities of other
people in this office

who might
also be interviewing
for the manager position

and might also want to be
wished a little bit of luck

'cause they're kind of
spinning out a little bit?

I don't want
that kind of boss.
No, thank you. Not good.

Good man, though.
Nice guy. My best friend.

Think about it.

What other mammal,
besides humans, drinks
the milk of another mammal?

I mean,
you don't see a bear
drinking raccoon milk.

How long have
you been off dairy?

As soon as I can say no
to those two pushers,
Ben & Jerry.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So this is cool.
I think we make
a good fit.

Oh, we haven't started
the interview yet.

Were you joking?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Uh, yes. I was.

A little joke.

So how would you
go about settling

interpersonal conflicts
within the office?

I thought that was your job.

Well, it's
one of my strengths,
but it's the manager's job.

Well, for instance,
how did you deal
with it

when two warehouse
guys got into a fight?

I'll answer that, Jim.
I would use it as
an opportunity to teach

about actions and
consequences of actions.

Who's that?

So I think
all we need is a resume
and we'll be good, right?

I just thought you knew me.
Yeah, it's no big deal.

Just something
that looks like that.

JIM: Cool?

Let me...

Oh.

Cool.

Did you just interview?

Oh, unfortunately, yes.

What do you mean?

That business
can't attract anyone.

It's awful up there.

Those people seem
like they're in prison
waiting out life sentences

in a dying industry.

Place must be horrible.

I don't know if
I want this job.

Well, if I get this job
offer, then I know that
I'm gonna take it.

And if I take it, I know
that I'm never gonna quit.

And then 25 years
are gonna go by,

and I'm gonna die here.

What makes you feel qualified
to judge a place after
a mere interview?

What are you doing?

Stop trying
to figure me out.

I just did.
You can't.

It's done.
No, it's not.

I know you now,
your nature.

You don't know me.
You don't know
anything about me.

I'm done.
Get out of my head.

Not worth continuing.
Stop trying
to figure me out.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you even know
anything about paper?

How it's made?

I saw an episode on
how they make paper
on Sesame Street.

Get out.

I'm gonna prevent inferior men
from sullying my place of work

with their weak,
passionless leadership.

Do you see my hat? No?
That's because I just
threw it in the ring.

You guys pay
for relocation,
though, right?

Well, why would you need
relocation if you
already live in Scranton?

Well, I'd wanna move
further away, you know?

Just don't want
any chance of running

into my coworkers
outside the office.

Can I ask why you're
leaving your current job?

I'm leaving my other job
because they were all jerks.

Really. You know,
all of them.

You had your jerk-wads
and your jerk-offs, so...

Just between the wads
and the offs, I just thought,
"I gotta get out of here."

Is this a bad time
to be doing this?

I know
I'm having a bad time.

I'm sorry. If we did
something to upset you,

I'm sure it was inadvertent.

Wait.

Oh, why did I believe
that weirdo in the lobby?

These are the nicest
people I ever met.

Thank you.

I'm engaged.

Damn, girl.

PAM: It's gorgeous, Angela.

Yeah, I actually
know about nice rings,
and it is gorgeous.

Wow.

It's a little flashy.
I mean, what am I,
Naomi Judd?

Tell us the
freaking story!

Yeah, tell us
a story.

Okay. He took me
to the replica of
Monet's Japanese Bridge.

And then he put
this flower behind my ear,
which normally I would hate,

'cause it's so
civil rights-y.

Then he got down on
one knee and he said,

"Will you be
a senator's wife?"

(LAUGHS)

He talked about himself
in the third person?

Yes, Pam.
Not everyone is as
informal as you and Jim.

"Hey, Pam,
dude, whatever.
Wanna marry me?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's not accurate.

Then I saw flashes.
So, reporters were there.

They always find us.
And everyone was crying.

Even his aide.

Angela's engaged to a gay man.

As a gay man,
I'm horrified.

As a friend of
Angela's, horrified.

As a lover
of elegant weddings,
I'm a little excited.

But overall, horrified.

Andy? You all set?

Okay, guys. It's time.

It's pep talk time.
Tell me what I need to hear.

Hmm, are you sure
this is a good idea? I...

I hate to see
you disappointed.

That's not what
I was hoping for.

Okay, I just want
someone to tell me,
"You're gonna do great."

You'll do great.
Come on.

You guys are my best friends.

I'd be happy
if Andy were boss.
He listens to my stories.

And they're not
all A-plus stories,
let's be honest.

But you know what?
He always listens
like they're A-plus.

Well, some are A-plus.

I think Andy
should be the boss.

He's just so great.

If I'm being objective,
then Darryl, of course.

So, Andy, what
improvements would you
make as office manager?

For starters, I really
think we can streamline
communication around here.

Whoa. That's a very
heavy accusation to
level against Toby.

I wasn't accusing...

Well, Toby's in charge
of human resources.

That would include
communication.

I think that
Toby's done a fine job.

Right. I really wasn't
trying to insult anyone.

I didn't think you were.

I have two relationships
with Andy.

I have a personal
relationship,

and I have a professional
relationship.

Personally, yeah,
I think he's a rat

and I think
he's responsible
for the demise

of my relationship
with Erin.

Professionally...

He broke up
the happiest couple
in this office.

How many windows are
there in New York City?

What?
Critical thinking.

Common on-the-spot question
asked in an interview.

Okay. Uh, let me think.
Are you counting
car windows?

No. How far away
is the sun?

Ninety-three million miles.

Is it?
Yeah.

And the diameter of
the sun is 870,000 miles,

which makes it 109 times
wider than the Earth

and 333,000 times
heavier than the Earth.

Shut up about the sun.

Shut up about the sun!

Okay, I'm not a doctor,

but I think
the medical term
for that was a spaz out.

Gabe just lost it.

That's the best part about
convening a tribunal.

One bunal can go down,
and you still have
two bunals left.

Right?

Andy, how'd it go?

I don't want to brag, but...

I did my best.

Hello!

I forgot something in my car.

You guys are so cute.
When are you gonna
get back together?

Never. We're just friends.

Oh!

Okay, my mistake.

You know, you could have
any man in this
whole office with your legs.

I say go for it,
if you're interested.

But you're not,
so never mind.

I am unhappy
with the confusing

and, at times,
confrontational
nature of that meeting.

I wanted it to go better.

I wanted it to go better!

Yes, there used to
be a paper clip that
would pop up and say,

"Looks like you are writing
a letter or resume.
Would you like help?"

I believe his name
was Clippy.

CREED: First of all,
I wanna thank you

for your years of
patronizing our company.

I've got some bad news.
We're going out of business.

Saving face.

Yep, yep. I understand that.

Basically everything's
falling apart here.

How is this on me?

Hang up.

Corporate needs you
to find the differences

between this picture
and this picture.

Intel has told us there
were at least seven.

Okay. I already
see one. Give me.

Okay.

They're the same picture.

Well, I manage my department,
and I've been doing that
for several years now.

And, God, I've learned a lot
of life lessons along the way.

Your department's
just you, right?

Yes, Jim,
but I am not
easy to manage.

Great. Um,
can we just...

What was that?

We just have a lot
of serious candidates
to get through today, so...

Am I not
a serious candidate?

What do you
want me to say?

I mean, there's a line
of qualified people
out there.

We have a video
CV from England.

Are we all just
gonna pretend to...

Okay. Um...

What are your weaknesses?

I don't have any, (BLEEP)

Erin, I believe you have
my resume on file.

Please print out four copies
on 32-pound cotton stock,
bright white.

No...

Ivory.
Yes, sir.

Who's in there now?
Kelly.

For God's sake.

So, Kelly, what do you think
the future holds for the
paper business?

Me peeing on
Gabe's corpse.

I want an interview.

How's the family?
Good.

Good? Are they good?
Yeah.

What's your daughter's
name again? Pee Pee?

Peepa.

Peepa. How is she?

Great.
Great!

Oh, that's great.

We never were very
good at small talk,
were we, Jim?

No.
Now, listen...

You're not getting
an interview, Dwight.

The whole point
of this search
committee process

is to prevent hiring
someone like you
ever again.

Okay. I know why
you're saying that, Jim.

I really do.
But think of it
this way.

The hand that reaches
from the grave to
grip your throat

is the strong hand
you want on the wheel.

Okay. That's vivid.

Now, I'm gonna make
you an offer, okay?

You even do so
little as grant
me an interview,

I will guarantee you
your dream work life, okay?

You roll in
at 10:00 a.m.

to your own private
reserved parking spot,

pick up your
daily free coffee from
Dwight's Caffeine Corner,

unlimited sex breaks
for you and Pam.

Yikes.
Erin will eat garbage
for your entertainment.

Wow. You know how
I like taking bribes.
(CHUCKLES)

But unfortunately,
Jo also took the
job away from you

because she doesn't
trust your judgment.

So how would that
look for me if
I recommended you?

Fine, I'll do it
without you.

You'll regret this.
Okay.

Let me get
that for you.

Thank you.
Okay.

As long
as you keep it moist,
it's easier to work with.

And I can't just use
a tube of crescent rolls?

You know what, go to
McDonald's for dinner.
Why cook?

Okay.

Pam,

I think Robert is gay.

The Senator?

He was married before,
and he has a kid.

So...
And don't say that thing

about how lots of
gay guys have kids.

I have a very
strong suspicion.

Did you?

Oh! (CHUCKLES) No.

No.

Did you see him
at a bathhouse?

What bathhouse?

The windowless building
by the Baskin Robbins.

What?

Forget it. I'm
never gonna know
what goes on there.

Name: David Brent.
Occupation: Inspirer.

Status: None of your business.

Young, free and
single, though.
Thanks for asking.

Hear you're looking
for a new boss, yeah?

Someone to tell
a bunch of discontented,
under-encouraged drones

what to do every day.

Is that it?
Our out-of-touch
powers that be.

Want me to fire them?
They don't see things
your way?

Then I ain't that dude.
Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye.

Get some other
corporate suit to
lay down the law.

What? You've
changed your mind?

You're now looking
for a leader of men?

Ipso facto. Women too.

When do I start?

Eh?

Hey.
Hi. Hey.

I realized I never paid
you back for that lunch you
paid for, like, a month ago.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Well, it's money.

I was thinking I could make
dinner for you tonight,
like a Middle Eastern feast.

Chicken shawarmas,
shish kebabs,
pita with hummus.

Well, I think I only lent you
like $3. That would be so
much more trouble.

Just bring the money tomorrow.
No big deal.

Or else I'll break your legs.

Not if I can help it.

My friend at
the Scranton Blade

is totally plugged
into these matters.

You're in
the gay mafia.

You're thinking of
another group, much
wealthier, much older.

You sound ignorant.

You guys, um,
talking senator?

No.
No.

Why would we be
talking about
the Senator?

'Cause he's totally gay.

How do I know
that Robert is gay?

He "liked" my
Facebook photos at
3:00 in the morning.

It was a really
good photo, though.

Do you know what it took
to get Bob to notice me?

I waited in his
office every morning

wearing nothing
but kitty cat ears.

I did that every
day for two weeks.

And on the tenth day,
he walked in,

he was naked too,
except a dog nose.

Guess what we did then?
Bestiality.

I don't think
I can do that...

Yeah.

That's not
my personality.

If my daughter
were asking me...

Yes?
(LAUGHS)

I would say
if you want someone,
if you really want them,

go get them.

I do really want him.

So, uh, here you go.

Great.
Hope it's all right.

I'm sure it's fine.

The guy who
was in here earlier,
interviewed after me,

how'd he do?

Howard Klein?
No, no, no, no.

That's not who
I'm talking about.

Oh. Deshawn Williams.

Yes. How did he do?

He's an amazing man.
He's a Rhodes Scholar.

He invented an app
that invents apps.
Fantastic kisser.

Come on, man.
I'm being serious.
Don't joke.

Darryl, we all know you.

Your interview is not
nearly as important
as the other guy's.

First I'll take down
the cubicle walls.

But there aren't...
Symbol of transparency.

There'd be no titles.

Everyone has the same job.

Same goes for me.

I'll take your job,
but I'd reject the title.

A little unspecific.

Everyone would be known
for their accomplishments.

That's very interesting. Um...

I feel like
there might be
a conflict there,

and if a conflict did arise,
how would that be dealt with?

Oh. Yeah.

Hmm.

Scratch
everything from before.
I'll tell you what I'd do.

Go the other way.

More cubicles.

More division.

Everyone is
somebody's boss,

and that
person can fire
the person below them.

And once a month, the
lowest-performing person...

(MAKES CUTTING NOISE)

Bye-bye.

How would you compare
like an accountant
and HR?

Well, I'll tell
you how, shall I?

I'll tell you how.
Okay.

By splitting the difference.

Just somewhere in the middle.

I think that's probably
all we need to hear from...

Zen office.

Hmm?

Thought of that?
That's what I'd do.

Everyone takes
their shoes off
before they come in.

Okay? There'd be no desks.
You just sit on the floor.

That's very...

You've got a Thai
woman out in the back...

Saki.

Okay.
Saki.

That's not...

Saki is her name, okay?

She's administering massage,
all right, if you need it.

If you don't, whatever.
Just talk to her.
She's a person.

Either way,
15 minutes of
that, and you...

You are cracking to go.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Office of the future.

Like the inside
of a Virgin airplane.

Telecommuting, all right?
Everyone's at home.

The office is
just a big empty space.
It's just full of screens.

Sony. Sony.
Everything's just
Sony, made of Sony.

From Sony.

I don't think that's how
telecommuting works.

And then we sell tickets to
tourists for them to
see the office of the future.

Okay. Wow.
Cutting edge.

You have to hire me.

There's no ideas left.

That's all the ideas there is.

There's a lot more
where they came from.

Jim, what can you tell us?
Is there a frontrunner?

You know what?
They all just sort of
blend together after a while.

Well, there must be
someone who stands out.

No, not at all. In fact,
I'm not even taking
it seriously.

I think at the end of the day,
I'm just gonna pick a name
out of the hat.

OSCAR: Well...

The hell you will!

I worked for the
last boss for
15 years.

According to my doctor,
I don't have another
15 years

if I wanna keep up the same
dietary and sexual lifestyle,

which I intend to.

Oh, no, Stanley.
You'll live forever.

My next boss
will be my last boss.
He'll be at my funeral.

So I would appreciate it
if you would take
this seriously.

You pick a crappy boss,
you're responsible for
my crappy life.

Okay, everybody.
I was just making a joke.

I am taking it seriously.
I promise.

Are you?

Little advice?
Take a day off from
the whole Jim shtick.

Try caring about something.

You might like
how it feels, James.

Gabe, honey!

(DOG BARKS)

Oh, lord.
Take all this.

All right.

Here.

Jim.

Did you hear
Stern this morning?

No. Was he good?
Uh, Robin was good.

She's always good.
Keeps him on his toes.

It's Howard's show, though.

Whose is this?

Darryl Philbin.

Oh. Very nice to see
a familiar face on top.

My, a little long,
aren't we? Four pages?

Is this the same
Darryl Philbin

who's had two jobs in
10 years at one company?

Yes, thanks to you who
promoted me after we,
uh, interfaced.

"Coordinated
and implemented
receipt, storage,

"and delivery of over
2.5 billion units
of inventory."

2.5 billion, Darryl?
2.5 billion units
of what?

Paper material, ma'am.

Paper material?

Pieces of paper.

Anybody have
a calculator?

You figure what?

Five hundred sheets
a ream, 24 reams a case,

how long you worked here...

I can see
how you landed
in that ballpark.

Laid end to end, it's
enough to almost stretch
60% of the way to the moon.

I think this resume almost
stretches halfway to
the moon.

(CLEARS THROAT) Jo, may I
speak to you for a second?

Or what?
You gonna shoot me?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I enjoy
laughing at
my mistakes

because I've learned
so much from them.

I'd like to
be interviewed
for the position.

I'll interview you
right now.

Okay.
Question one.

Ever shot a gun
in the office?

It's complicated.

Yeah, but see, it's not.

I will not give up.
I won't even be
discouraged.

Why? Because managing
this office is my destiny.

My only potential
obstacle is

if becoming manager is
someone else's destiny
as well.

But, hey,
if this is a case
of clashing destinies,

enjoy the show.

I don't think
we should tell her.

Angela went a whole
day without telling me
I had lettuce in my teeth.

Screw her.

I'm a woman.
I would want to know.

MEREDITH: Yeah.
You gotta know.

Okay. But if Angela
can get a gay man
to marry her,

maybe I could get
a lesbian to marry me. Huh?

Huh? That's hot.

You have
met a lesbian
in real life, right?

What we should
warn her about is that the
whole institution of marriage

is corrupt.
That's the lie.

Okay, we're not
talking about that.

We're not talking
about marriage.

You know,
this probably is her
last chance at a family.

She does
seem happy.

You're right.
You're right.

She seems happy.
We don't tell her.

We don't tell her.
PAM: Okay.

So what else
should we gossip about?

I know,
like who's gonna be
the new manager, right?

Will it be...

Me?
Yes. Yes, it will.

Yeah, right.

Excuse me,
Ms. Bennett,
may I have a word?

Okay.

Uh, can it be in private?

Don't worry.
It's not about you.

As minority executive,
I think it's my responsibility

to let you know
that Gabe is gross.

I don't think
it's professional

that he was sleeping
with the receptionist,

and then when Erin dumped him
so that she could be
with Andy,

he became a total
crazy stalker psycho.

Welcome to Scranton, Jo,
land of 1,000 problems
only you can fix.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)

Oh, for God's sake.

(JO SIGHS)

He's texting me his resume
one line at a time.

These are costing me
10 cents apiece,
you jackass.

I'm roaming!

Get me our biggest
client on the phone,
right this instant.

Who is our
biggest client?

Uh, just put him
through to me.

Okay.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello, this is the client.

It's Creed.

FYI. I'm starting
my own paper company.

Looking to poach
some chumps. You in?

Yes.
(CHUCKLES)

Cool! Let's keep
this on the Q. T., okay?

I don't want you to
be a dead mamma jamma.

Great. Bye-bye.

(SIGHS)

Get me our second
biggest client.

This is great.
I love work.

Again?

Hold, please.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Who is this?

This is your
second biggest client.

I want you to
listen very carefully.
I'm gonna sing you a song.

(SCATTING)

Jo, you have
one more candidate.

He's a burn victim.
Huh?

He's all messed up.

I can tell him to
get lost if you want.

No. Send him in.

Who is this?

I have no idea.
I know this guy.

Um...

Hello, Mr. Souvenier.
Mr. Jacques Souvenier?

Nice to meet you.
It says here you're French?

So you worked at your
last job for 15 years

as assistant to
the regional manager.

Assistant
regional manager.

Assistant to the
regional manager.

Assistant regional manager.
What is it?

(WITH ACCENT)
Assistant regional manager.

That's my mistake.
Sorry about that.

The last paper company
you worked for burned
to the ground?

And all because they
wouldn't hire a manager
who lived and breathed paper.

JIM: That's a travesty.

I wanna talk to
Dwight Schrute
for a second.

I wanna ask him
a question.

Get Dwight.

If he isn't here
in 60 seconds...

Wait, wait!
No. Stop, stop. Jo...

It's me. I'm Dwight.

No.

No. Wait. But...

I mean, you're
Dwight and then...

He's the...

Yeah.

Oh.

Very unprofessional, Jacques.
Or should I say Dwight?

Let's just say I had hired
this Jacques Souvenier.
Then what?

I would
have dressed
this way every day,

legally changed my name,

learned French
sign language,
shown up,

and been the best damn
branch manager you'd
ever seen.

All that for this job.
Yes.

That's (BLEEP) crazy.

Get out of here.

(DOOR SLAMS)
What a nut job.

This guy was good.
Although he did
keep saying

that he needed two weeks off
right at the beginning

for a trip to
the Finger Lakes.

Seriously, every five
minutes he was like,

"Hey, just making sure the
Finger Lakes thing is clear."

Okay. It's fun to
talk about the rejects,
but who's got you excited?

Finger Lakes guy is good.

Darryl is also very good.

You know, I just wish
we'd find a candidate
that knows the company

as well as, say,
some of the people
on this committee,

you know, who've been
here for a long time.

Interesting.

It'd be a demotion for Gabe
and Jim's not interested,
so...

Are you trying to tell me
you should be manager?

You pulling
a Dick Cheney?

No, I'm just saying if
we can't find someone...

Yeah, sure,
I could do it.

You're funny.
Little Dick Cheney.

You want it? Ask for it.

Say you're the
best man for the job.

I would work really hard,
and, I mean, you could
do worse.

'Cause...
For God's sake.

Who's this fellow?
Went to Cornell.

What's wrong with him?

How much time do you have?

Sales ability, none.

Integrity?
See sales ability.

And that's your
unbiased opinion.
Yes, it is.

So it's not relevant that
he took the receptionist
away from you.

Oh, Jo. Jo,
I'm disappointed in you.

Some people let personal
things into the work...

Is she with him?
Because I thought
that she's just...

Gabe! (SIGHS)

Back when
I bought this place,
I was looking for a ghost.

Somebody to flitter around,
spooking people,

keeping them on their toes,
and then disappear.

My girlfriend
said she knew a man
who looked like a ghost,

and he went to
business school.

But a ghost ain't
supposed to date people.

You think you're Beetlejuice?
No.

I'm no Beetlejuice.
You're no good to me up here.

You got
all close to these people,
got involved in their lives.

Let's get you
back to Florida.

We'll figure out
something for you.

That sounds
like a promotion.

It's not.

Let's get Kelly in
here to take his place.

Uh, why Kelly?

'Cause Gabe's tall and weak.
She's short and strong.

I'm doing
an opposites thing.

Okay.

How'd my girl Nelly do?

Oh, I didn't know
you knew her.

She didn't mention it?
No.

The integrity move.
I like it.

Yeah, we met at some dumb
Women in Business seminar.

I was the speaker, and
she was the only person there

who wasn't trying to
sell some Curves ripoff.

You know, she also
gave me reason to think

that maybe she
wasn't a good fit.

Well, I'm not saying
you must hire her.

If you find someone
who's clearly a fit,
then fine.

Just make sure
they fit real good.

No more
manager turnover.
Don't mess this up, Jim.

And give
Dwight an interview.

I like a little bit of crazy.

(SQUEALS)

Erin, what are you doing?

I've been turned
into a puppet.

Okay.
(CHUCKLES)

Look at the puppet.
Hi, puppet.

Who are you?

I was going to put
on a puppet show today

to warn people about the
faulty outlet behind the
fax machine.

But change of plan.

I went to drop off
the FedEx forms,

and an evil witch named
Angela turned me into
a puppet!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Low blow, puppet.

And there's only one thing
that can change me back
into a real girl.

It's good.

It's just that I wish
the puppets would talk
more about the alphabet.

Not for me, but if
any kids are watching.

A, B... And so forth.

You know.

M, N, L, O, P.

F.

I need
the most special
thing in the office.

Silence?

A date with
the best salesman,

Andy Bernard!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Hey, Erin.

Where'd you learn
how to puppet like that?

I've done it all my life.
Listen, I'm really flattered,

but I don't think we should.

Erin's my best friend
in this office,
hands down.

But

when she asked me out,
I just didn't have
that feeling, you know?

Aren't there some things
that you really want to like

but you just can't
seem to like it?

Like Mad Men or football.

Let's not forget.
Erin chose Gabe
over me.

That happened.

I'm not gonna apologize
for getting over her, okay?

I'm sorry.
I would go for
someone who's more...

She's great, though.

Hey, Jim. Elevator man.
Hey. Yup. All right.

So, listen.

I feel like
I came off terribly today,
and I want to just start over.

What can I do?
Should I call Jo or...

Maybe have my
old boss call her.
Listen, listen, listen.

This isn't you, okay?

The Darryl we all love,
he's calm, he's confident.

So, just be that guy.
Okay.

All right?
Okay, yeah.

I was thinking that.
All right.

Thanks. Means a lot.
Yup.

Of course.

Stanley, I won't be able
to invite everyone
to the wedding,

because we wanna
keep it to 350.

I'll get over it.

I mean,
we just have to
see how many senators

and members of Congress
want to attend

before we can open it
up to regular people.

Pam, you know
how you and Jim did
your ironic wedding?

Do you still have the plans
for the dream wedding that
you couldn't afford?

That was our dream wedding.

Niagara Falls?

Pregnant?
That was your dream?

Pork medallions?

I hope you have a very
beautiful wedding, Angela.

So, Angela,
are you looking forward
to your wedding night?

What goes on in
our bedroom is none
of your business, Phyllis.

Or yours.

Oscar, you build up
these enemies in
your head

and you want to
see them suffer.

But the thing is,
you don't.

You don't.

Oh, Oscar.

All right.

Name.
Dwight Schrute.

Thank you, Mr. Schnoot.
We will let you know.

You have to interview me.
I just did.

The answer to that
one question told me
everything I need to know.

How did I do?
To be honest,

I'm leaning
towards another man.
His name is Jacques Souvenier.

But would you like
to be his number two?

God, it's gonna be hard,
but, yeah, I would do it.

Okay, well,
there's a lot
to think about,

so we will
get back to you.
No.

I demand more questions.

All right, guys.
Good day.

A lot of candidates.
Let's discuss.

Okay, if you're not
gonna interview me,
then I'll do it.

Yes.

What will be
your first priority?

I will have seven
first priorities.

Safety, profits,

fostering a community
of self-reliance and
entrepreneurship,

listening, respect
for human life,

bolstering our public image,
and getting everyone
home on time.

Dwight, let me be frank,

in an accident that
no one can blame you for,

an antique gun was discharged
while you were acting manager.

How are we ever
to trust you again?

That's a great question.

I am going to institute
a strict "No firearms"
policy for this office

that extends
to myself as well.

Wow. All of my
concerns are disappearing.

Thank you, Dwight.
Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You'll be hearing
from us shortly,
Mr. Schrute,

and I think you're going
to like the call you're
going to receive.

Oh, come on.

I'm just happy
that I got this meeting.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, that was quick.

(SIGHS)
Very, very
interesting.

And you know what?
I'm impressed.

He's not a real candidate.

I don't know, Jim,
'cause it makes me
think about something

that my
grandfather
used to say,

which is that
sometimes the hand
that jumps out of the grave

and grabs you
around the throat,

that is the hand that
you want on the wheel.

You took the deal.
Yeah. It was a great deal.

That's not okay.

I don't know,
Dwight seems like
a great leader to me,

and I look forward to
the personal perks that
he promised me privately.

What do you think, Toby?

Well, we could try him
out for a little while,

and if it doesn't work out,
you know, maybe one of us
could, you know, step in.

What is happening
right now?

Is it true that you're
making Dwight the manager?

No. Why would
you think that?

Well, he and Kelly said,
then they pre-fired me.

Okay.

Okay, guys, just so you
all know, no decision
has been made.

And Dwight is definitely
not the boss.

That is correct actually,
Dwight is not the manager yet.

No, no, no, not ever,
'cause that's not
gonna happen.

Well, it's not
entirely up to
you, is it?

Seems to me like someone
is getting a little
power mad.

Am I the only one
who remembers what he
did when he was in charge?

I feel like I'm going
a little bit crazy.

Tuna, you're completely sane.
Thank you.

Who do you like
for the job?

Is there anyone
who maybe was a little
underwhelming at first

but now seems like a safe,
if not slightly unexciting,
choice?

Okay. It seems like everybody
has an opinion, so who else?

Anybody?
Do you mean it?

Anybody? Are you sure?

I suppose I am.

Okay. Well, what do
I want in a manager?

Let me see.

What do I want?

I don't think he meant...

Hey, so now anyone
gets to talk at any time?

Go ahead.

What do I want?

I'm looking for
someone who...

Everyone is listening to me.

Can I say...
JIM: Yes.

I think it should be Darryl.

JIM: Okay.
What a surprise.

Minorities sticking together.

Kelly's on your side.

I'm sorry, is that all
you think of me?
A minority?

I am so much more than that.
I am a dancer. I'm a singer.
I'm a fashion designer.

Whoever it is, I think
they should be lame.

Kind of
a non-threatening,
moderate personality.

I want an outsider.
Perfect.

There are several
outside candidates
that we think would be...

No, I mean an outsider.

Like someone on
the margins of society

who doesn't see
things the way we do,
like a homeless person.

A homeless person. Really?

A homeless person.

No. You're right, Pam.
Let's just leave them

to the welfare system
and let that handle it.

No, I want you to
say that you think

the best person to be
our new manager is
a homeless person.

Let me guess
who you want, Pam.

Rachael Ray?
The ladies of The View?

I got away
with everything
under the last boss,

and it wasn't
good for me at all.

So I want guidance.
I want leadership.

But don't just, like,
boss me around,
you know?

Like, lead me.

Lead me when
I'm in the mood to be led.

I just want, for once,

a smart,
professional, decisive,
well-hung man in his 40s.

Hey, hey, hey!
Okay, fine.

Uh, the guy with
the tiny penis.

Are you happy?
Let's hire that guy!

She may have a point there.

Would a small penis work?

Small to moderate.

Gotta catch a plane.

Hey, Gabe, I'm sorry.

We didn't get you
a cake or anything.

We're gonna miss you.

Well, I'm still the
corporate liaison
to the branch.

You are not leaving
without giving me
a hug.

Ugh.

Okay, you know what?
You don't need to
make that sound.

I'm sorry. You were just a lot
bonier than I thought you
were gonna be!

There are plenty of people
who love touching me.

I'm a terrific hugger.

I've been with
a bunch of girls

where that's basically
all they wanna do.

I will see you all soon.
Later, man.

We'll miss you.
Good luck.

RYAN: Good luck
at your new job.

Take care, man.
DWIGHT: Gonna miss you, Gabe.

Listen up.
Listen up, ladies.

I want the job.

There. I said it.

I'm educated, I'm capable,
I like all of you,

and I won't
make any changes.

I see it.

I see it like I see a mountain
that I'm standing in front of
and facing and I'm liking.

PHYLLIS: Yeah. Yeah.

Andy would be
wonderful as boss.

Erin made a good point.

No. We're not related.
I got the call.

But I'll tell her
some other day.

Okay, what's going on?

I thought
I told you guys to
expand the company.

It looks
exactly the same.
I'm very disappointed.

Jordana, get me
Jo on the phone.

Okay, nobody say anything.

Hey, Creed, this is Jo.
No, don't say another word.

I need you to take
a nap right now. Yes.

I want to talk
to you in your dream.
Lay down and put the phone...

Great. Very good.
Okay, you gonna
go to sleep.

Okay, I think we have
about 40 minutes.

What about Darryl?

We can all agree that
he's a standup guy, right?

Very nice, laid back.
Overall, just a good guy.

What if he brings some of
those warehouse types
up here?

They're not carnies.

MEREDITH: Can we see
a birth certificate?

I mean, how do we know
he wasn't born in
Mubajuba or something?

What difference
would that make?

I'm just saying American
jobs should go to Americans.

(SPITTING)

Meredith, you can't
just spit in the office.

Okay, I went too far.

Angela.

Well, let me be clear.
I only speak for myself,

and not myself
and the Senator.

I think we have some
wonderful candidates,

and there is a great
lively debate here.

But let's think about...
No. No.

No. Sorry.
We cut Kevin off
for the same thing.

You have to
have something
to say if you talk.

Exactly.

Jada. No,
no, no. Jada,
what are you...

Oh. So sorry, guys.

I hope my family
didn't disrupt
your meeting.

Daddy, are these the people
who are making you manager?
(EXHALES)

Maybe, sweetheart.
(EXHALES)

Single dad. Challenges.

JADA: I don't know if
he'd be a good manager,

but he's
a really great dad.

Okay. This was
a mistake. Let's go.

It seems like we
all know enough to vote.
Should we just vote now?

What?
No, no, no.
It's not a vote.

Then what was this all about?
I don't know.

This conversation
really got away from me.

I don't care.
They can just vote.

No, they can't.

That's not how
this is gonna work.

(EXHALES)
We're going in this room.
We're gonna have a meeting.

We're gonna make
a recommendation to Jo,

and she's gonna give you
her recommendation on
Monday, okay?

What the hell
happened out there?

Sometimes you hear people
talking about failing upwards.

I think I'm about to do that.

This job?
Oh, yeah, I'll get it.

Jo's an old friend.

I think
I'm her best friend.

She's not
my best friend.

Every day, I have
a blueberry muffin.

Today I did not have
a blueberry muffin.

Should have had
the blueberry muffin.

Especially considering how
incredibly superstitious
I am.

No. I've never
been more sure of
anything in my life.

I will be
the new boss of...

Vance Refrigeration.

Honestly, I think
I sabotaged myself.

It's like I'm
afraid of being happy.

Case in point,

I was supposed to
start another job today.

I will get offered the job.

That's a call I've
received many times.

The slight hopefulness
in their voice,
the pregnant pause

while they wait
to hear my response.

And then my response.

I want the job.
I really do.

It's just the rest
of my family's in the
Finger Lakes right now.

I'm supposed to be in
the Finger Lakes
right now.

I told them I was on a hike,
snuck away to do this
interview.

I gotta get back pretty soon.
They'll worry.

People disappear
in the Finger Lakes.

I will run this branch or
I will destroy this branch.

Or, I don't know.
Something always
works out.

You remind me so much
of my fourth biggest client.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Is that right?

I think
you two should meet.

Well, okay...

Hey, Jordana, patch
my ninth and my fourth
biggest client together.

(IN MAN'S VOICE) Hello?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Hello!

(IN MAN'S VOICE)
Hi, how are you?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Oh, I'm good!

Don't you just love paper
and things about paper?

(IN MAN'S VOICE)
Hey, are you single?

This seems like
a love connection to me!

It's kismet.

Personally, I think
Darryl would be good.

It has to be Darryl,
or someone I don't know.

I thought the woman
who came in,

she seemed like
she had a fun energy.

I'm not a sexist.
I just really don't
want it to be a woman.

I just feel that
women are generally
less competent than men

and less rational.

Again, I'm not a sexist.

Even Andy...
They need to pick someone.

Just someone. Fast.