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1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:04,100
[Cheery instrumental music]
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,600
LOIS: Look at Stewie.
3
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,700
Isn't he adorable
playing with his Sesame Street phone?
4
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:11,500
Put me through to the Pentagon.
5
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,600
ERNIE: What sound does a cow make?
STEWIE: Don't toy with me!
6
00:00:14,700 --> 00:00:18,800
I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper.
I've six armed men outside Big Bird's nest.
7
00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:20,700
And as for Linda?
8
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:24,100
It's difficult for a deaf woman
to hear an assassin approach, isn't it?
9
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,000
ERNIE: Can you count to three?
STEWIE: Indeed I can.
10
00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:29,300
One! Two! Three!
11
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:34,500
Can I count to three? For God's sake,
I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.
12
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:38,200
LOIS: [Singing]
"It seems today that all you see
13
00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:41,600
"is violence in movies and sex on TV
14
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,100
"But where are those good,
old-fashioned values
15
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:48,000
"on which we used to rely?
16
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,300
"Lucky there's a family guy
17
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:55,000
"Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell you
18
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:56,700
"all the things that make us
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00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,300
"laugh 'n' cry
20
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:03,200
"He's a family guy"
21
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,300
Come on, Stewie.
22
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,300
You can't leave the table
until you finish your vegetables.
23
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:15,100
Then I shall sit here until one of us expires.
You've got a good 40 years on me, woman!
24
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:20,200
Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you.
Now open up for the airplane.
25
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[Makes airplane noise]
26
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:24,900
Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you!
And damn the Wright Brothers!
27
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:29,300
My, aren't we fussy tonight.
Okay. No broccoli.
28
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Very well then. L...
29
00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:34,400
Who the hell do you think you are?
30
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Honey, it's not gonna go away
just because you don't like it.
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Well, then. My goal becomes clear.
The broccoli must die.
32
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:44,400
[Sinister instrumental music]
33
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,200
Mom, will you take me out
to practice driving?
34
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:52,800
I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour.
Maybe your father can take you.
35
00:01:52,900 --> 00:01:56,200
Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you.
But Daddy also loves Star Trek.
36
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:58,900
And, in all fairness,
Star Trek was here first.
37
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:02,100
KIRK: Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7.
38
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,700
The Enterprise has just discovered
a strange new planet...
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...in the Gamma Faloppia star system.
Mr. Sulu, ahead Warp 9.
40
00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:11,400
LOIS: For God's sake, Peter.
41
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You've been in front of the TV
since you got home from work.
42
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Why don't you spend some time
with your family?
43
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,200
I will, during the commercials.
44
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And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing
the point of having commercials.
45
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[Sighs]
46
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Please. My road test is tomorrow
and you haven't taught me anything.
47
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,600
You may want to find
a better teacher than Peter.
48
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:32,000
What are you talking about?
I'm a great driver.
49
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,600
Remember your trip to the Southwest?
50
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:35,700
[Road Runner meep-meeping]
51
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,400
- Jeez. Did I just hit that ostrich?
- No.
52
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- Are you sure?
- He's fine. Keep going.
53
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,200
Don't believe that.
I always keep my eyes on the road.
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PETER: I don't miss a thing.
TV: We now return to Star Trek.
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Holy crap. Uhura's black?
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00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,000
All right, Meg.
Now here's your first lesson.
57
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:56,600
You always want to be aware
of other cars on the road.
58
00:02:56,700 --> 00:03:01,000
If you catch eyes with the guy next to you
at a red light, you gotta race him.
59
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,600
- This guy's asking for it.
- But Dad...
60
00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:09,700
I don't make the rules, honey.
Now rev your engine twice.
61
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:10,900
Okay.
62
00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:12,600
[Engine revving twice]
63
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:14,600
[Horse sputtering twice]
64
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:15,800
Go!
65
00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:18,500
[Fast-paced instrumental music]
66
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[Screaming]
67
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[Dramatic instrumental music]
68
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,200
PETER: You forgot to flip him off.
But other than that, nice job.
69
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,900
You're back already?
That wasn't much of a lesson.
70
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,500
I didn't want to overload her
on her first time out.
71
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,300
Besides CHiPs is about to start.
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00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:45,400
So let's sit back and get lost in a world
of California Highway Patrol fantasy!
73
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[Police siren]
74
00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:48,800
[Funky instrumental music]
75
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- What's the charge, Officer?
- Driving without my phone number.
76
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,500
[Gunshots firing]
77
00:03:57,900 --> 00:04:00,700
Or maybe I should arrest you
for being too beautiful.
78
00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:01,800
[Teeth sparkling]
79
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:06,100
So, broccoli, Mother says
you're very good for me.
80
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:10,300
I'm afraid I'm no good for you!
The first rule of war is know thine enemy.
81
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:14,200
And I know this! Cold kills broccoli!
It's so simple.
82
00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:18,100
All I need to do is build a machine
to control the global environment.
83
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:22,500
Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles
of genius with a chance of doom!
84
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,000
[Sinister instrumental music]
85
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,000
PETER: This is taking forever!
86
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:31,600
Come on. Let's go. Fox is running
one of those new reality shows at 8:00.
87
00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:33,600
Fast Animals, Slow Children.
88
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,500
[African instrumental music]
89
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,700
Come on, guys. Wait up.
90
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:39,500
[African music continues]
91
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,600
Dang. I got honey all over my legs.
92
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:47,800
Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life
depends on getting my license.
93
00:04:47,900 --> 00:04:51,200
If I can't drive, I'll never have a boyfriend,
never get married...
94
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,800
...and then I'll have to adopt a kid
like Rosie O'Donnell.
95
00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:57,200
Are you implying
that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
96
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,300
I'm so nervous.
97
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,000
You're gonna do great.
Remember everything I taught you.
98
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,900
- Let's start by going down Main Street.
- Okay.
99
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,400
[Engine revving twice]
100
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:18,700
[Police siren]
101
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,200
- What are you doing?
- I'm driving.
102
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:25,900
[Screaming]
103
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:29,700
Are you gonna mark me down
for not flipping him off?
104
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:35,100
God, my life is over.
I am the biggest loser I know!
105
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,800
I know how you feel, pumpkin.
I've had my share of disappointments, too.
106
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,500
DOCTOR: It's a girl!
107
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:42,800
Can you check again?
108
00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:46,900
You just have to remember that life
has its little ups and... Jeez!
109
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:50,400
We're gonna miss the beginning
of my show. There it is.
110
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MEG: Dad, watch out!
111
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[Horn blaring]
112
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,700
PETER: Meg, honey, are you okay?
MEG: Yeah, I think so.
113
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:15,500
PETER: The Quahog
Cable Television Transmitter.
114
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,500
[Citizens grumbling]
115
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,600
You just knocked out cable TV
for the whole town!
116
00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:24,200
Boy! Look. There's Bigfoot!
117
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,100
Whoa. This isn't about me.
This is about you.
118
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,000
At least I bought us some time.
119
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:32,900
- She did it.
- What? Dad, you were the one driving!
120
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,800
I was teaching her to drive
and she lost control of the car.
121
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:39,900
Come on, we all did stupid stuff
when we were kids, right?
122
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,600
I remember when I tried
to sneak into an R-rated movie.
123
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:49,100
- Come on. Give the kid a break, huh?
- Why should we?
124
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,600
She got her arm shot off in Vietnam.
125
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[Murmuring]
126
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,700
GUY: Poor kid.
MAN: What a senseless war.
127
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,700
I can't believe you just sold out
your own daughter.
128
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:03,400
I know what I did was wrong. And I know
it's not the first time I've embarrassed you.
129
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:07,200
And if you add the measure
of the angles of a right triangle, the sum...
130
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:10,200
Meg, clean out the shower
the next time you shave your legs.
131
00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:12,100
It's like a carpet in there.
132
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,500
I hate to see you so upset.
133
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:20,200
I know. Let's play a little game
called Taking the Fall for Daddy.
134
00:07:20,300 --> 00:07:23,300
If you win, I'll buy you a convertible
when you get your license.
135
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,800
Really? Daddy! Now I love you again!
136
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,800
You're gonna make
some Jewish guy a great wife.
137
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:31,100
[Metallic clanking]
138
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,900
Because of an accident
at the Quahog Cable Company...
139
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,500
...television transmission will be out
for an undetermined amount of time.
140
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,700
Of course, no one can see
this news program...
141
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,000
...so it doesn't really matter what we say.
I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.
142
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,800
Think I'll go get drunk and beat up midgets.
How about you?
143
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,700
Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
144
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,900
You guys, we're still on in Boston.
145
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:01,000
Excellent.
The weather machine is nearly completed.
146
00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:03,500
What do you say to that, broccoli?
147
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,400
Stop mocking me! What's this?
148
00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:11,200
It appears the witless provider
has finally brought me something of value.
149
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:14,700
I can use that crude device
to amplify my deadly signal.
150
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,800
Victory shall yet be mine.
151
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:18,700
Guess what, Mom?
152
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:21,000
Dad crashed the car
into the city cable transmitter.
153
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,500
- What?
- It's okay.
154
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:26,000
If I take the blame, he'll buy me
a convertible when I get my license.
155
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:30,600
Meg, it's not exactly taking the blame
if you go around telling everyone.
156
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,400
Peter, you're bribing your daughter
with a car?
157
00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:34,900
Come on, Lois.
158
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:39,100
Isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
You wanted me and Meg to bond.
159
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,400
That's what we're doing.
160
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:43,100
CHRIS: Dad, I was in a chat room
on America Online...
161
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,800
...and Doomie 22 told me
some idiot knocked out the cable.
162
00:08:46,900 --> 00:08:49,000
We could be without TV for weeks!
163
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:52,600
Now, Chris, now let's not panic.
We can manage just fine without TV.
164
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:53,700
[Brian scoffs]
165
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:57,200
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Face it, you're addicted to television.
166
00:08:57,300 --> 00:09:00,500
You're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey.
Remember when you gave up candy?
167
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,500
I'll ask you one more time.
You didn't eat anything in my factory?
168
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:05,800
No.
169
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,900
- I'm just asking...
- Are you calling me a liar?
170
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,800
- I'm just saying...
- Shut up, Wonka.
171
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:12,000
Yeah. That was different. I'll be fine.
172
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:14,800
- Are you sure, honey?
- For God's sake, you guys.
173
00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:18,300
You think I'm some simp who can't live
without TV? Give me a break.
174
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:22,300
- What's happening now?
- Sipowicz is finding who stabbed the super.
175
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,300
Are you gonna tell me,
or am I gonna have to show you my ass?
176
00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:28,000
I ain't saying nothing!
All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!
177
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,600
Forget it, Mike.
178
00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:32,500
Without actually seeing his ass,
this is just radio.
179
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:38,500
Class, we were scheduled to watch
a PBS program on the mating rituals...
180
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,400
...of the nude large-breasted Weewok tribe
of New Guinea.
181
00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:44,900
Unfortunately, Megan Griffin ruined TV.
182
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:47,900
So instead, we're having a surprise test.
183
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,000
WONDER YEARS VOICE: Suddenly I was
public enemy number one.
184
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:53,100
It was time to tell the truth.
185
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,600
Wait! I didn't drive into the satellite dish!
186
00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:58,200
And who did?
187
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:00,600
WONDER YEARS VOICE:
I was just a 15-year-old girl.
188
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:05,200
But at that moment, I realized I had
a whole lifetime to make new friends.
189
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:09,300
But only one chance to get a new car.
And I had to take it.
190
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,100
Okay, I did it.
191
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:15,900
PETER: I don't know how much longer
I can last.
192
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,800
It's been a whole week
since I seen a TV show.
193
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,800
I wonder what Scooby and the gang
are up to now.
194
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:24,200
NARRATOR: We now return to
The Scooby Doo Murder Files.
195
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:25,700
Gee whiz, gang.
196
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:29,000
The killer gutted the victim,
strangled him with his own intestines...
197
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:32,500
...and then dumped the body in the river!
- Jinkies! What a mystery!
198
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,600
[Moaning]
199
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:37,000
You're right, Scoob.
We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
200
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:41,000
You just need to find something
to fill the void that's left in your life.
201
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:44,600
Lois has knitting, Chris has video games,
Meg's learning how to drive.
202
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,600
And me, I like the sauce.
203
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,800
Whose leg do you have to hump
to get a dry martini around here?
204
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,800
[Moaning]
205
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:59,700
Can't live without TV. Must see TV.
206
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,500
[Frightful instrumental music]
207
00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:13,000
[Whimsical instrumental music]
208
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,300
[Sinister instrumental music]
209
00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:33,900
[Dramatic instrumental music]
210
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,000
[Sighs]
211
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,800
Stewie, I expect you
to finish off your vegetables.
212
00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:47,900
Rest assured, you relentless harridan,
I expect I shall finish them all off!
213
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,200
And you as well!
214
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,700
Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter.
215
00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:55,200
Last night I woke up and he was
channel surfing through static.
216
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:57,700
I'm sure he'll find a way to cope.
217
00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:01,600
- Morning, Lois.
- And you were worried.
218
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:05,900
- Peter, what the hell is that?
- It's my favorite TV family, the Griffins.
219
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:10,200
Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning
to think you're losing your grip on reality.
220
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:14,400
PETER: Boring. I'll go see what else is on.
LOIS: Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie.
221
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,100
Don't move!
222
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,200
[Making ridiculous noises]
223
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:22,700
[Screams]
224
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,100
STEWIE: A little help?
225
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,800
PETER: It's Glen Quagmire,
the wacky next-door neighbor.
226
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,700
PETER: What's he up to this time?
QUAGMIRE: I'm going to work!
227
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,600
Him and his crazy get-rich-quick schemes.
228
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,700
We have to find your father, Chris.
He's not well.
229
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:45,700
I never knew anyone who went crazy
before except my invisible friend...
230
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,300
...Col. Schwartz!
231
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,500
I get all the channels on this thing.
232
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,000
Lifetime.
233
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:55,700
CBS.
234
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:57,200
Hey, UPN.
235
00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:00,400
All right. 90210.
236
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:06,300
- Dad?
- Meg, what are you doing at West Beverly?
237
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,100
They're really reaching for guest stars
in the 10th season.
238
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,500
Dad, what are you doing? Get out of here!
239
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,500
I'm already a total outcast because of you!
240
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,800
You're just upset because you wrecked
the cable transmitter.
241
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:20,800
I did not! Forget it.
What good is a car if I have no friends?
242
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,600
I didn't wreck TV! My dad did!
243
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:25,600
- What?
- What'd she say?
244
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:28,000
- Peter Griffin ruined TV?
- And blamed his daughter?
245
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:30,800
That's the lowest thing I've ever heard.
246
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:34,000
Peter, take that thing off and come home.
247
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,900
Hey, Lois. You're just in time
for the exciting conclusion.
248
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,900
Looks like some boob's
about to get lynched. Let's watch.
249
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,200
There they are.
250
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:42,800
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
251
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,900
That's the guy who ruined our cable.
Let's get him!
252
00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:53,300
Stop! What is wrong with you people?
253
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,500
Okay, yes. My husband is responsible
for knocking out TV.
254
00:13:57,900 --> 00:13:59,600
But we should be thanking him.
255
00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:02,800
He's broken television's hypnotic spell
over us.
256
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,300
Now we can see the world for what it is...
257
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:09,900
...a beautiful place full of wonderful things
just waiting to be experienced.
258
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,600
Another chick flick.
259
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:14,800
She's right. All the hours we've wasted
on that damn idiot box.
260
00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:17,600
- I'm gonna paint my house!
- I'll build a ship in a bottle.
261
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,100
I'm gonna push a hoop with a stick
down a dirt road.
262
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,600
LOIS: I'll take you home, honey.
263
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:27,900
I can't believe I let Meg take the blame.
You were right, Lois. TV is evil.
264
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,800
I hear that Manson guy watches it
in jail all day long.
265
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,600
If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.
266
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,900
You just went a little overboard.
You need a little balance in your life.
267
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,600
There are other things to appreciate
besides television.
268
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:45,600
- You mean like this lamp?
- Yeah. Okay.
269
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:49,200
- The lamp gives us light.
- I get it.
270
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:51,600
And your family gives you love.
271
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:55,300
You should spend some time
with our kids, Peter. And with me.
272
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,400
What could me and you do together?
273
00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:58,500
[Naughty laugh]
274
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:01,200
Lois! You've got a sick mind!
275
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,900
Peter, I'm talking about making love.
276
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:07,700
I thought you wanted us to murder
the children and harvest their organs...
277
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:09,000
...for beer money.
278
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,500
[Amorous giggling]
279
00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:17,700
What a gorgeous day.
Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun?
280
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,800
It's always a nice day
with two scoops of raisins, Peter.
281
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:23,800
[Car alarm blaring]
282
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:27,900
- Top of the morning, everybody.
- Excellent!
283
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,400
Thus completes the penultimate
adjustment to my weather control device!
284
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,700
Victory is... Release me at once!
285
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:38,100
Your mother was right. It'd be a crime
to sit around and wait for the TV.
286
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:42,800
- Great. You can teach me how to drive.
- There'll be time to drive when you're dead.
287
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:46,200
There's a world out there waiting
for us to grab it by the short hairs!
288
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:47,500
- Damn!
- Let's go.
289
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,400
[Cheery instrumental music]
290
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:29,200
I'm so tired. This morning's fly-fishing
really wore me out.
291
00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:32,700
Wake up! You promised you'd get
this hook out of my mouth.
292
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:33,900
[Screams]
293
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:34,900
Thank you.
294
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,500
Now, kids, your father's just trying
to spend time with his family.
295
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:41,400
Or kill us. I'm not sure which.
296
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:43,900
TOM: The Chinese sure like to spit,
don't they?
297
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,300
Diane, that last report was so good,
I think you deserve a spanking.
298
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,500
I don't think your wife
would appreciate that.
299
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:53,100
That frigid old cow lives in Quahog.
She can't hear a word I'm saying.
300
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:56,100
Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.
301
00:16:58,900 --> 00:16:59,800
STEWIE: Thank God!
302
00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:03,700
Their puerile minds are once again
distracted by that flickering box.
303
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,400
Time to be bad!
304
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,300
PETER: Come on, everyone.
305
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,500
We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival.
You know those Germans.
306
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,600
You don't join their party,
they come get you.
307
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,700
But Dad, the TV's back on.
308
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,500
What do you know? Okay, let's go.
309
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:23,200
Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend
so much time with the family.
310
00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:25,000
But we're exhausted.
311
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:28,300
Maybe we could just sit
and watch some TV together?
312
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:31,200
We're too busy living life to the fullest.
Come on, let's go.
313
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:34,200
- I'm sick of life.
- Yeah. My dogs are barking.
314
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:36,300
- But I thought we were having fun.
- We were.
315
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:40,400
But now it might be nice to watch
other people have fun or get killed.
316
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:44,500
- You know, whatever's on.
- Look, Peter. It's your favorite show.
317
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:49,300
This is a dangerous mission.
And it's likely one of us will be killed.
318
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,500
The landing party will consist of myself,
Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey.
319
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,700
Crap.
320
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:55,800
Sorry, Lois.
321
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:59,000
There's only one show I want to see.
It's called...
322
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:02,800
...Make Every Day Count,
starring Peter Griffin as himself.
323
00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:06,600
LOIS: Come on, Peter.
Don't you miss TV just a little?
324
00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:11,300
The familiar stories, the broadly drawn
characters, the convenient plot turns...
325
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:15,100
...that bring a character around
at exactly the right moment?
326
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,700
Hi. I'm William Shatner.
My car broke down...
327
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,000
...on my way to give a speech
on how TV keeps families together.
328
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,100
Would you like to hear it?
329
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,200
No, I don't want to miss
the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar.
330
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:27,400
Wait a minute! I love schnitzel!
331
00:18:27,500 --> 00:18:30,500
Come along. I bet you could squeeze
into Lois' lederhosen.
332
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,500
I'll change in the car.
333
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,200
If I had a nickel for every time
one of my parents walked out...
334
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,600
...instead of teaching me how to drive,
I'd be one rich little...
335
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,000
Let's go, Meg.
336
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,500
[Sinister instrumental music]
337
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,200
Fare thee well, broccoli!
338
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:07,600
[Band playing German folk music]
339
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:22,500
I don't know. I can't imagine
choosing life over television.
340
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,500
I'm telling you, it's great, Bill.
341
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:29,300
The only thing that would make this
perfect day better is if my family was here.
342
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:31,500
My God!
343
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,700
It was sunny a moment ago,
but now it's pouring!
344
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,000
Let's take off our shoes
and run home barefoot!
345
00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:38,500
Griffin, you're a madman!
Barefoot, you say?
346
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:39,700
LOIS: This is not safe.
347
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,700
I'll teach you how to drive some other time.
Pull over.
348
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,900
Mom, I can't even tell where "over" is.
349
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:46,900
[Giddy laughter]
350
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,900
You were right, Peter.
I've never felt so alive.
351
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:54,700
Victory is mine!
352
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:55,700
[Screams]
353
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:00,600
STEWIE: God damn it.
354
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,900
[Giddy laughter]
355
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:09,000
My God.
356
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:12,100
[Car colliding]
357
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,100
My God. I hit William Shatner.
358
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:20,200
Light growing dimmer.
Can't breathe. Beam me up, God.
359
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,300
I did not see that coming.
360
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,800
Daddy, I'm sorry I ran you over
and killed Mr. Shatner.
361
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:34,600
Don't worry. Once I'm of this body cast,
I'll do enough living for me and Bill.
362
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,100
Honey, can't we go back
to the way things used to be?
363
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,000
There's a big dent in that couch
that nobody else can fill.
364
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:43,100
Haven't you guys learned anything?
365
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:46,300
TV took over my life once.
I'm never gonna let that happen again.
366
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:47,900
My God.
367
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:50,100
We've lost him.
368
00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:54,700
If you help me out of here,
I know a meadow where...
369
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,900
...the blueberries are begging to be picked.
370
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:01,300
Look, buddy. Just go in the pan.
And don't call me unless you're flatlining.
371
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:04,200
PETER: Turn that TV off. Nurse?
372
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,700
ANNOUNCER: What would you do
for a Klondike Bar?
373
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,200
ANNOUNCER: Would you stand on one leg?
MAN: Sure.
374
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,200
ANNOUNCER:
Would you act like a monkey?
375
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,900
ANNOUNCER: Would you kill a man?
376
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:23,800
[Gunshot]
377
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,900
Daddy, now that I've finally passed
my driver's test...
378
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,200
...can I still get a convertible?
379
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:36,500
No. But I'm proud of you
for getting your license, sweetheart.
380
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:40,600
And I'm proud of you, Peter.
You taught us all a valuable lesson.
381
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:44,000
It's not what you do
that defines the quality of your life...
382
00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:46,900
...it's who you do it with, and your family...
383
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:47,800
It's on.
384
00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:53,700
I know you don't like broccoli, Stewie,
but you'll thank me...
385
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,200
...when you grow up big and strong
like your father.
386
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,300
A compelling argument.
You've swayed me, woman.
387
00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:03,300
That is good. I feel stronger already.
388
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,100
It's good tasting and good for you.
389
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:09,200
Nice try.
390
00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:10,700
- Quadruped.
- Mutant.
391
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,700
[Theme music]
32803
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