Original subtitles

Subtitle By BigDaddyAman

( rock music playing )

( birds chirping )

- ( alarm buzzing ) - ♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ I can't help the feeling that I'm ♪

♪ Living a life of illusion ♪

♪ And oh, why can't we let it be ♪

♪ And see through the hole ♪

♪ In this wall of confusion? ♪

( splashes )

- ( groans ) - ( splatters )

( groans )

...29, 30, 31,

32, 33, 34...

( squeaks )

♪ Pow... ♪

♪ Right between the eyes ♪

♪ Oh, how nature loves her little surprises ♪

♪ Wow, it all seems so logical now ♪

♪ It's just one of her better disguises ♪

♪ And it comes with no warning... ♪

- Hey, Andy! What's up, Dude? - Hey hey, Joe.

- Hey, Sarah. How are you doing? - When you gonna get a car?

- Hey hey-- Why don't you get a car? - I can't afford it.

( both laugh )

Hey, so, uh-- "Survivor" tomorrow night, are we on?

- See you then. - I'll bring the soda.

- Hey, enjoy your orange. - Okay. Take care.

See you, bye-bye.

That guy needs to get laid.

- ( both laugh ) - Tell me something I don't know.

Good morning.

Hello. Excuse me.

- Pardon me. - ( cars honking )

Sorry.

Excuse me. Thank you.

- Good morning. - Hey.

- Good morning, Paula. - Andy.

Excuse me, I have a question.

What is the difference between Hi8

and digital video tapes?

Um, I'm not a salesman, so I could proba--

Welcome to Smart Tech. How can I be of service to you?

Um... well, I was just wondering

what is the difference between these.

Salesman: Well, if I'm photographing someone

as fine as yourself, probably the digital.

♪ Hey, don't worry, I've been lied to ♪

♪ I've been here many times before ♪

♪ Girl, don't you worry... ♪

My God. Sorry I'm late, man.

Oh, no problem.

Oh, man.

- I had a weekend. - Yeah?

We went to Tijuana, Mexico...

- Mm-hmm. - ...you know, and we-- we-we thought

it'd be fun, you know, to go to this show.

"You gotta check out one of these shows," and you know,

it's-- it's a woman fucking a horse.

We get there and, you know, we think it's gonna be awesome, and...

it is not as cool as it sounds it would be, man.

It is-- it's-- it's kind of gross.

- Yeah. - You think "A woman fucking a horse,"

and you get there, and it's--

it's a woman fucking a horse.

- Yep. - It was really giving it to her.

And you know what? To be honest, I felt bad for her.

- We all just felt bad for her. - Yeah.

- Kind of felt bad for the horse. - Wow.

- That's something. - So did you, uh...

- what did you get up to? - Um...

uh, you know, I just kind of hung out.

I was-- God, Friday, when I went home,

I really wanted an egg salad sandwich,

and I was just obsessing about it, I was like,

"Man, I'm gonna make one of those," so--

so Saturday I went out and I got...

like a dozen eggs, I boiled them all, and then I just...

I-- I spent-- I don't know, probably three hours...

like three and a half hours making...

you know, the mayonnaise and the onions

and paprika--

you know, all the accoutrements,

and then by the time I was done, I just really didn't feel like eating it.

- I can imagine. - And I didn't have any bread.

So... you know, it was pretty good.

- It was a good weekend. - Sounds pretty awesome.

- Yeah, it-- it was fine. - Sounds really fun.

- Cool. - Cool.

Cool cool.

- Hey, Paula. - Yeah?

I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it.

Uh, for the first time, today...

I woke up, I came to the store,

and I-- I feel confident to say to you

that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD

that you've been playing for two years straight off,

I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain.

David, what do you suggest we play?

I don't care. Anything. I would rather--

I would rather watch "Beautician and the Beast."

I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours

than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him,

but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time,

I'm going to yah mo burn this place to the ground.

You're such a smart ass! Get back on the floor.

♪ I'll be holding on... ♪

( fakes sneeze ) Fuck you. Oh.

- How about Andy? - No.

Come on, man. We need-- what?

--five guys to play a decent poker game, right?

- Yeah. - If we cancel, I might have to go to some stupid-ass

birthday party with Jill, and that ain't happening.

- No. - Man: Why not?

He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure

that he is a serial murderer.

Who cares, man? He's a nice guy. I just wanna get drunk,

- fucked up, and play some cards. - That's great.

Look, I don't wanna end up a lamp shade in some creepy apartment,

- that's what I'm saying. - I don't really see any other options.

Andy!

My man!

- You got any plans later on tonight? - Why?

- Do we have to unload the Sony truck? - No.

No, the guys are getting together, we're playing some poker,

thought, you know, you'd wanna play.

With you guys?

Yeah yeah, sure. That'd be cool.

- You know how to play, right? - Yeah.

- I play online sometimes. - We're gonna play in the store.

Great. Are we allowed to do that?

- Absolutely not. - Yeah.

Oh. Oh, well,

so I'm gonna go tell Paula.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding,

that sounds great. Well, cool. I'll see you guys tonight.

- Okay. - All right.

- ( clangs ) - Oops.

- I almost feel guilty. - No, you don't.

I'm hot tonight. You're going down!

- Going down! - You dumb ass.

- And a full house. - ( man laughs ) Oh my God.

How much online poker do you play, dawg?

An hour or two a night when I'm not playing Halo.

Where did you get this guy?

He's a fucking ringer, man. This is hogshit!

You! You're a fucking asshole to tell me come here,

tell me he was a nice guy, didn't you? Motherfucker, you been playing!

Fuck you, you and you. Fuck and kiss my big, round fucking ass, okay?

- I'm gonna see you tomorrow. - Peace.

- All right, man. - Fuck a goat!

- ( all laughing ) - Good night.

- I love that guy. - Dude, you totally fu--

Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn!

- About to go see Ellen in a little bit. - Going now?

- Late night action, huh? - Dude, you know how it goes.

Your girlfriend know about all these late-night visits?

It's like an unspoken agreement, yeah.

It's like a completely and utterly unspoken agreement.

- ( laughs ) - If you knew her--

if you knew who I was dealing with, you wouldn't be saying shit.

There's nothing you can't do with this woman, straight up and down.

I literally sit at home trying to think of things to do to her.

I'm dead serious. Sometimes, I just sit for hours

just staring at the sky trying to come up with something to do.

I even don't know if she can walk. I've never seen her standing up.

I've only seen her on her back.

- Wow! - Yeah, that's sick, man.

- Wow. - That is not sick.

- I will give you sick. - Oh, shit.

I was sleeping with a woman recently.

She had-- her tits were unbelievable.

Oh, man. I love titties, so...

And, uh... so we're doing it, we're about to finish

and her dog starts licking my ass.

- ( all laugh ) - I-I-I have to decide,

- "Do I finish, or do I stop the dog?" - I know your nasty ass.

- He finished. - I finished!

And then I stole the dog.

No, I didn't, but--

You know, sometimes Amy and I would make love--

it was almost like we weren't two people,

but we were two...

spirits or something. Our-- our souls were connected in this way--

I can't describe it. Time stood still.

It was like we were sharing the same heart.

Stop! Man, why do you always come and kill the vibe with those things?

"Sharing the same heart?" That's like some...

Britney Spears shit, man. This is three grown ass--

don't nobody wanna hear that shit!

Yeah, man, come on! Nobody wants to hear that shit.

Thank you, Andy. Dude, you-- you broke up two years ago.

- You like get over it at some point. - Two years, man.

You need to get past that

because no ass is worth thinking that much about...

- I always say. - Andy, do me a favor?

Will you please help him redeem himself,

- by telling him a real sex story? - Yes.

Uh... I don't-- you know what?

I'm-I'm a gentleman and I don't--

you know? I don't kiss and tell.

Fuck it. I raise you-- nastiest shit you've ever done.

- I'm talking about nasty. - Uh...

Wow. So many stories are running through my head right now.

I dated this girl...

for a while, and she was really a nasty freak.

She just loved to get down

with sex all the time. She was like--

any time of day, she was like, "Yeah, let's go!

- I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her... - Oh, shit.

...she'd be like, "Ah, you're nailing me!

- Cool!" - She talk dirty to you?

Oh, she loved to dirty-talk.

Totally into it. She'd be like,

"Yeah, let's screw,

let's-- I wanna fuck."

God, it was so dirty. She'd be like,

( high-pitched voice ) "Oh, me so horny.

Me love you long time."

- So... - Man #2: So, what are the titties like?

- Yeah, describe her, uh-- - Man #2: Yeah.

Oh, yeah, she had great tits.

Oh, no no no. I mean like detail her. Did she have like--

- you know them little pink teeny nipples... - Oh, yeah.

- ...or the long "National Geographic" nipples? - Long.

Did you have the bumpy brown nipple--

- the Stevie Wonders? - Andy: Yeah, they were nice.

You know, when you-- you grab a woman's breast and it's--

and you-- you feel it, and--

it feels like a bag of sand...

when you're touching it.

A bag of sand?

You know what I mean. Why don't we just play?

- Why don't you just deal the cards? - Nuh-uh.

- What are you talking about? - Have you ever felt a breast before, man?

- Yes. - Dude, are you gay?

No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women.

I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.

Dude, it's not a big deal if you like to fuck guys.

I'm cool. I got friends that fuck guys...

- in jail. - No, I'm not gay.

No, I've borked a lot of women in my day.

- You've "borked"? - Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Yo, answer this question.

Are you a virgin?

Are you a virgin?

Y-yeah, li-- not since I was 10.

It all makes sense! You're a virgin!

I am n-- shut up.

- How does that happen? - He's a fucking virgin.

Oh, knew it! That makes so much sense, man!

- He's a virgin! - You guys are hilarious.

All right, guys. Come on, don't be mean.

I'm not being mean. I'm trying to help the--

I'm trying to say I wanna get you laid, dude.

- I understand what's going on with you. - You guys are so...

- up your asses. - From now on, your dick is my dick!

- I'm getting you some pussy. - ( men laughing )

( laughing echoing )

"A bag of sand"? Come on, man!

You can do better than that!

God, "me so horny." No, me so stupid!

( screaming )

Oh, come on!

( laughing )

It's gonna be fine. They don't even remember.

Those guys are cool.

( alarm buzzing )

This is gonna be bad.

Come on!

- Hey, David. - Hey, Andy.

- What's up? - Cal, good morning.

Yeah, man.

- Man: Hey, Andy. - Hey.

We're gonna have to get you some punani.

Andy! It's going down, partner!

We're gonna be-- ( grunting )

This for you, partner! This for you!

Waves of it coming at you on Friday,

Saturday. By Sunday your nuts going to be drained!

Andy, don't let them bother you. It's okay not to have sex.

Not everybody is a pussy magnet.

You, uh-- what are you?

- 25? - I'm 40.

Holy shit, man, you've got to get on that.

Life isn't about sex. Life is about children

- and passion. - Yeah.

- And spirit. - Yeah, life's about passion.

It's not about fucking and balls and pussy.

It's about love.

It's about people. It's about connection.

- It's all about connections. - It's not about cock and ass and tits...

- Mm-hmm. - ...and butthole pleasures.

It's not about butthole pleasures at all.

It's not about this rusty trombone and the dirty Sanchez...

- Please stop. - ...the Cincinnati bowtie...

- Mooj. - ...and your pussy-juice caulking

- and the shit-stained balls. - Mooj, just please stop.

- It's relax-- - All right, that's enough.

Party's over. Let the virgin get back to work.

Andy! Andy, come on!

We were just kidding!

- Sorry. - Andy, nobody cares that you're a virgin!

Don't be such a baby!

They were just having fun! They didn't mean anything!

- Get away from me, David. - Wait a minute!

- Stop following me! - Hold up.

Andy: Shit.

- Whoa. - I'm gonna have to quit my job now.

- You don't have to quit. - I don't wanna go out with you guys!

- Fine. Okay. - I don't need your help!

All right. You don't have to go out with us if you don't want.

I respect women, I love women.

I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them.

- Okay. - I have a very fulfilling life.

( tooting )

- ( playing continues ) - And now, I am making your silver pants blue.

Get some road burn, come on!

Come on, sucker!

♪ Yo, pretty ladies around the world ♪

♪ Got a weird thing to show you... ♪

( laughs ) Oh my God.

( tooting )

- So how could this not have happened? - It just never happened.

When I was young... uh, I tried,

and it didn't happen. And uh...

then, I got older, and I got more and more nervous

because it hadn't happened yet, and I got--

kind of-- weirded out about it.

Then it really didn't happen, and--

then, I don't know. I just kind of stopped trying.

Do you wanna give it another shot?

Maybe it's too late.

Bec-- I-- sometimes I feel that it is just too late for me.

Oh... no, that's cra-- that's crazy.

You're 40 years old. You know, 40's the new 20.

You wanna spend the next 60 years of your life

never experiencing sex? And not just sex, but-- but love,

and a relationship, and laughing, and--

and cuddling and all that shit.

I don't know, I--

- I wouldn't know what to do. - Look, you gotta take a risk.

You gotta risk it. Look at me, I went out with this girl for four months,

and it was the greatest--

greatest thing in my life.

Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think.

And you know, instead of like saying,

"Okay, what I am doing that caused this behavior?"

I dumped her. Stupid decision--

I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.

Then, why don't you get her back right now?

Oh, 'cause she's dating this pot dealer.

It's a stupid, horrible decision.

But hey, that's her journey, you know?

I gotta respect that. I gotta give her the space.

If she wants to be some immature, little bitch and blow everybody,

that's-- that's love, man.

- That sounds horrible. - Of course it's horrible.

It's suffering, it's pain, and it's--

you know, you lose weight, and you put back on weight,

and then you call 'em a bunch of times,

and you're trying to e-mail her, and then they move,

they change their e-mail, but that's just love.

Do you realize that this is the first time we've spoken

- for more than, like, 30 seconds? - Uh-huh.

- God, it's kind of nice. - Come out with us this weekend.

No pressure, we'll just have a good time.

Okay, yeah, I will.

- I'll give it a shot. - Great.

But I am not going to have sex with anybody.

Good, sex should be the last thing on your mind.

( funk music playing )

♪ Hey, but what you gonna do ♪

♪ About that? Yeah, but what you gonna do ♪

♪ Eow, about that? ♪

♪ I got ants in my pants and I need to dance ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

Okay, that's not right.

♪ Hey hey hey... ♪

Oh, come on, bus!

♪ Hit me ♪

♪ Uh! Hit me ♪

♪ Eow! Hit me, hey! Hit me...♪

Oh, come on, dogs!

Shit, you gotta be kidding me.

I mean, I'm kind of nervous.

I never had oral sex before.

Jennifer told me how to do it.

It's gonna kick ass.

- ( zipper opens ) - ( screams )

- You know what else is sexy? - What?

- Me... - Yeah?

- ...sucking... - ( chuckles )

...on your...

- toe. - Oh, that's what you wanna suck on?

- Yeah, it's just so big and... - ( laughs )

- ...thick. - Okay.

Yeah. ( chuckles )

- ( laughs ) - It tickles.

- ( screams ) - I'm sorry.

Oh, no no no-- I'm-- your nose is bleeding.

- You think? - I'm sorry.

You are terrible at this!

You should just give up forever! ( echoing )

Oh God! Oh...

G-- oh.

- ♪ 'Cause, baby, there... ♪ - ♪ Ain't no mountain... ♪

- Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow? - No.

- What's Curious George like in real life? - Come on, man.

♪ Now to the beat, jump-jump on the dick ♪

♪ Don't eat, suck-suck on the clit ♪

♪ That's right, jump-jump on the dick ♪

♪ All night, suck-suck on the clit... ♪

Wow, this is, uh, pretty crowded.

Yeah, well, it's nine dollar beer night.

Okay, look here. So this is what's about to happen, a'ight?

You're about to go run down some drunk chicks, a'ight?

Don't confuse that with tipsy. We're talking about drunk.

I want vomit in the hair, bruised-up knees--

a broken heel is a plus. That's what you wanna find, okay?

- If things-- - No, Dave already told me

I didn't have to have sex tonight. And now he's gone, so...

Dude, stop thinking for a minute, a'ight?

- You ain't got the think on this one. - Yeah?

All you got to do is use your instinct.

How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle?

It's written. It's a code written in his DNA.

- It says "Tackle the gazelle." - Okay.

And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written

that says "Tackle drunk bitches."

N-- oh God, you know what?

- I don't feel comfortable... - ( blows raspberry )

...hitting on drunk bitches. You know, I don't think that's right.

Okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Now, first of all,

you making it up to be some kind of bad thing.

I didn't use "bitches" in the derogatory sense you did.

It just doesn't-- this doesn't feel right.

Of course, it don't feel right. What has felt right for you doesn't work.

You need to try some wrong, dawg.

Okay, how do... I tell which ones are drunk?

So we just decided-- because this is my last night

as a free woman before I marry Dan--

that we would just wig out! We're wigging out!

You guys are hilarious.

Whoa whoa whoa! Wait a minute. Yes yes, Mr. President?

Yes yes, the election results are in.

Hey, guys, look. It's Dr. Seuss' penis.

I really mean this.

Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?

- I do. - She does.

Hey, you guys, Betty "Cocker."

( all laugh )

What a good guy. What a-- Dan,

the guy Robin's marrying,

is such a good guy.

- He sounds like a good guy. - Oh.

I hated him like for two years 'cause he cheated on me.

- Oh. - But...

( moans )

he's really changed now.

He's a really good guy now.

- Your friend seemed nice. - You have really kind eyes, you know that?

Thanks, um...

your hat has sequins.

( both moan )

Mmm. Whoo.

- You have your hands on my belt. - What?

- Your hands are on my belt. - I'm sorry.

- No, that's good. - You're cute.

This is kind of lame. You wanna get out of here?

- Okay, yeah, so... ahem. - ( giggles )

Mmm.

- Mmm. Man! Fuck! - Yeah.

- Come on. - Okay.

♪ I said it before, I'll tell you again ♪

♪ Have you wishing I was your girlfriend... ♪

- You wanna drive? - I don't-- um...

- have a car with me here, so... - Oh, that's cool,

I'll just suck it up!

- I'm driving. - ( beeps )

- Are you drunk? - No, I didn't have anything to drink.

- Blow into this? - Oh, okay. ( laughs )

( beeps )

- What is this? - Oh, the judge

recommended I get one.

- ( engine starts ) - ( hip-hop music playing )

Whoa, okay! Wow, that's fast.

- ♪ Gimme some new shit... ♪ - Okay.

Com on, you're on the lasso!

( tires screeching )

♪ Missy be putting it down, I'm the hottest around ♪

♪ I told y'all mother-- ah! Y'all can't stop me now ♪

♪ Listen to me now, I'm lasting 20 rounds ♪

♪ And if you want me, nigga ♪

♪ Then come on, get me now, is you with me now? ♪

And Pam's like, "You are such a b-i-t-c-h--

- bitch!" - ( tires screeching )

And I'm like, "You're the bitch, bitch!"

- You know? - Uh-huh, yeah.

What was your name again?

- Andy. - Andy.

Let me tell you something, Andy.

Don't ever be named "Dan."

Dan rhymes with man, and men jerk off,

and he was a jerk-off.

- Do you know what I mean? - Yo, look out!

- Andy: God! - ( tires screech )

- Andy: Wow, um... - I like you.

I like you. You're not a jac--

Ooh, ah. Ech.

I think I ate some bad shellfish sandwich or something.

- ♪ What da dilly yo, now what da drilly yo... ♪ - You're cute.

- No! - ( tires screeching )

♪ Let me know ♪

♪ Got to feel it, son, I know you feel me now... ♪

- ( gasps ) - Hmm, that tasted good.

Oh, that tasted like shellfish.

Look out! Oh! Sorry!

- Oh! Watch it! - ( cars honking )

- Am I gonna die? - ( tires screeching )

- Do you think I'm pretty? - Oh, yes.

Yo, a car! Yes, a car!

- Oh! - You're not looking at me.

- Yes, you're pretty. - You're not looking at me.

- Yes, you're pretty. - Do you think I'm pretty?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Look at me. Look at me!

- ( yelling ) Look at me! - I'm looking.

You're pretty! you're pretty!

( hysterically ) God, I just wanna live!

God, I hope I get my period soon.

I am in a bad mood.

- Okay. - I'm so tired.

Hey. Hey!

Whoa! No! No! Oh God! Out of the way!

- Oh! - Hey!

Get off the wheel. Jeez.

You're not gonna get in my pants acting like that.

I'm starving!

Let's get some fucking French toast!

( screeching )

Okay, here we are.

Oh God, we made it!

- Woman: Home sweet home. - Yay.

- Oh! Mommy! - ( screams )

( pants ) Are you okay?

- That fucker came out of nowhere! - Oh.

- Okay. Okay. - ( laughing )

Are you-- are you okay?

- ( sobs ) - Whoa-- are you-- what's the matter?

- I'm sorry. - Oh, that's okay.

I think I kind of had that coming.

I'll still have sex with you, if you want.

You know what? I think I'm gonna pass on the sex, if you don't mind.

At least I don't have to work out tomorrow.

Did you have a daiquiri tonight?

- Yeah. - I thought you might.

It was a very bad night.

- Whoo-ah! - Yeah, laugh.

You know what? You guys wouldn't be laughing right now

if some girl had just vomited shellfish sandwich into your mouth!

- ( grunts ) - You know what? You're right, it's my bad.

Let me apologize to you first of all

for not mentioning in detail

that when you pick up a drunk woman

who's falling down on her way out of the bar

that you should probably drive.

I drive a bike.

Okay, Mr. Schwinn- fucking-Armstrong,

who asked you to drive a bike?

You know what? I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike.

Yeah, everyone rides a bike-- when they're fucking six.

Why don't you kiss something?

Because this-- this is over you guys, okay?

Can I just interject for a second?

Let me just say, you are-- you are putting the pussy

up on this pedestal. You're just building the pussy up.

What are even talking about?

"Building the pussy up." What does that mean?

You're making the pussy into this great big

Greek goddess named Pussalia,

and what you're doing is, you're psyching yourself

into thinking it's some impossible feat.

Yeah, I think you're right. I'm putting the pussy up on a pedestal.

- Right. - That's it. It's Pussalia, right?

- Look where you going. - I don't want to say the word anymore.

- Say what word? - Pussy. I don't want to say it.

Pussy is a scientific word.

Dude! New pants, man!

You know what, Dave? You said there wasn't going to be any pressure.

- We're not pressuring you. - Excuse me.

Can one of you guys help me please?

- No hablo English, lady. - Oh.

I actually am helping a customer right now.

- Okay, well, um... - I'm on break,

but our stock supervisor is very knowledgeable.

He can answer all your questions and he'd love to help you.

- Oh, thank you. You too. - Have a nice day.

Uh, great, okay. Hi, I'm Trish.

Hi. Andy...is my name.

This one looks pretty good.

- You don't want to buy that VCR. - I don't?

No, actually to be totally honest with you,

you don't want to buy any VCR. It's a dead technology.

- It's, you know, like getting... - What the hell?

- ...an 8-track player... - Yeah.

or a beta-max. Actually I'd recommend this one.

This is a dual. You've got the VCR and DVD combo.

So, you know, that technology will probably be pretty good for--

- Six months or so? That's good. - Yeah.

At best. Sorry.

- No no no. - This is as good as it gets.

- Okay, that sounds good then. - Okay.

- Excusa, por favor. - Oh, sorry.

Coming through. Muchas gracias.

God, you know, it's so funny. I work right across the street,

- and I've never been in this place. - Oh, really? Where at?

The We Sell Your Stuff On eBay store.

Oh, that's the name?

Yeah. Yeah, I was looking for something...

you know, obvious, so I chose that.

I don't understand. So what-- you do what?

I take the stuff that you don't want,

and then I "sell it" on eBay.

But you don't actually sell anything in the store?

No no, I don't.

So why do you have a store?

( laughs ) I don't know.

No, I think it's because, you know, I wanna maybe look professional

and not like a crazy person who's just going to steal all your shit.

Sure. I didn't mean anything by that.

No no, it's okay. You know what?

You should come by sometime if you want, you know?

- All right, I'll-- - See for yourself. Check it out.

I'll check out your empty store.

Yeah, it's the one across the street that's not empty.

( laughs )

- Here's my number, so... - All right.

So just any time.

Why do I need your number if you're across the street?

Um...

I don't really have a good answer for that, Andy.

- Sorry. - I'm just giving it to you.

So I'll write you up and meet you over at the register.

- Okay. - Check you out-- check out.

- See you over there, okay. - Okay.

- Awful chatty. - Hey, that-- I--

look, I think she gave me her number.

I mean, she wrote down her number, but I think she gave me her number.

Oh no, she gave you-- dude, see?

- You still mad at me? - I was never mad.

See what I mean? We gonna celebrate, man!

- This is pretty cool. - Yeah!

Give him some credit, man. The man pulled a number.

It's just, I was-- I can't believe that happened.

- What you did was you zoned in. - She just gave me her number.

That's great, man. I'm telling you

- love is a mysterious fig. - It is.

Okay, here's a question. When should I call her?

You like her? Yeah, you definitely don't want to call her.

When is the next Olympics?

What you just got to do is just get you a bunch of these hood rats,

run through them. Just knock them out-- boom boom boom.

And once you've done slayed like 20-30 of them hood rats,

now you're ready to go up to the upper-echelon-type ho.

- You know what I mean? - I'm not a big ho runner.

My uncle used to drive a ho runner.

Screw these analogies. What he's saying is

you are going to be so bad at sex the first time

you don't want to have sex with someone you like,

because they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it.

You want to have sex with "hood rats" first

so that by the time you get to the girl you do like, you're not terrible at sex,

you'll be mediocre at it.

Probably still pretty bad, though.

Put it up for my man for pulling that number.

- Way to go, man. - Politicked his ass off.

- He did politick. - Thanks a lot.

Like a train, around the bend. You ready?

( coughs )

( coughs )

Yeah!

- I can't. - Do it.

- I can't pee in public! - Gotta do it.

- I've got a mental block about it. - Come on, do it.

( yells ) I'm shy!

( screams )

I'm peeing in public!

- Let me out! - I can't hear what you're saying.

- I don't want to be in here! - It's a sound-proof room.

- Learn his techniques. - Right on, man.

You guys, this is not funny!

( sighs )

( phone ringing )

- Hello. - ( groans )

- Hey, what you watching? - "Dawn of the Dead," man.

- Great. - Store is slow, Paula's gone.

- Is Paula back? - No no, she's not here.

She said we can't watch this in here. You sure?

Can I ask you something in confidence?

I know this is gonna sound weird, um...

am I good looking?

Do you think a woman would find me attractive?

Oh my God!

Oh my God, the blood just squ--

- Okay, never mind. - Whoa, wait wait, Andy. Andy, hold up.

This is embarrassing for me. This is hard to talk about.

- Are you ready for my honest answer? - Yes.

Yeah. I think you're a good-looking cat.

I don't think that anybody knows it, and I don't think anybody can see it.

That's why I'm asking you. You seem really well groomed and really put together.

I mean, look dude, you think this was an accident?

- ( chuckles ) - All of this right here? Premeditated, partner.

You got to highlight your attributes. You're like a diamond in the rough.

- You willing to make some sacrifices? - Absolutely.

See that whole "Teen Wolf" thing you got going right there?

Just need to wax that right out, boom.

- Does it hurt? - No, waxing don't hurt.

I mean, not unless you're a bitch, you know what I mean? Didn't hurt me.

I get it done all the time. What the fuck?!

Oh! ( laughs )

Fuck that nigga up!

Bitch, get out the room! Bitch, get out the room!

No, it's gonna be good. It's gonna be good.

- This is the one right here. - Hi, how are you?

So this is your first time getting body wax?

- Yes yes, it is. - Take off your shirt.

Okay.

Oh, we're gonna need more wax!

I'm staying. This is gonna be good.

And clear all my appointments in the afternoon!

Here we go.

Oh, that feels warm.

Dave: I like your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?

Cal: If she starts doing his pubes, I'm out of here.

Jay: You're gonna look good after this, man.

- Thanks, man. - So, ready?

Yeah.

Ich, ni, san.

( groans ) You fucker!

Oh! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That's just your job.

- Do you want to stop now? - No no no no.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

( whimpers ) Let's do another.

That one little patch looks sexy, though.

- Does it look good? - Cal: Yeah, it looks really good.

- ( groaning ) - Dave: It looks man-tastic.

Andy: Okay.

Whoo, wow. I didn't expect that at all.

I really didn't expect that.

Jay: You got it. The first one's the only one that hurts.

Yeah, well those hairs are pretty deep.

- Okay. - You ready?

- Yup. - Ich, ni, san.

( yelling ) Cocksucker motherfucker!

You shithead! Oh, I hate you!

I hate you so much!

That one hurt.

That one hurt just as much as the first one.

- That's great, man. - Andy: Man!

( breathing heavily )

One, two, three.

( screaming ) Fuck me

in the asshole!

- Wow-wee! - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I really don't swear this much.

You know what? I got a weak stomach, that's all I can take.

- I'll se y'all. - Jay? Jay?

Be tough, Andy! You got it!

- Where did Jay go? - Dave: He went to throw up.

- Ready? - Yup.

- One, two... - ( all gasp )

Cocksucker Motherfucker!

You pulled on two! You pulled on two!

Why didn't you pull on three?

Sweaty pie-hole! Cómo se llama?

Oh, Kelly Clarkson!

And three!

- Y'all done? - ( Andy screams )

- That's fucked up. Oh, that's fucked up. - Andy: Shit! balls!

- Two. - ( screams )

I hate you!

I hate you! Stop smiling, you jerk!

- You pussy. - Oh God!

What's next? Oh, you're doing the nipple.

- Oh, not the nipple. - Not the nipple.

Please, Cal, hold my hand.

- You kidding me, man? - Hold my goddamn hand, man!

Do it! Just hol-- okay, here we go.

- ( grunting ) - Ready?

Oh no. Yup. Yup.

One, two, three.

( screams ) Oh nipple fuck!

Oh, Mika, you should burn in hell!

Okay, all right. No seriously, I think I'm done.

I think we're done. I think that's good.

( pants )

You know what, guys?

This is not a good look for me!

You look like a man-o-lantern.

- Thank you very much. I appreciate it. - Thank you.

( yells )

- Can you get-- thank you very much. - Woman: Thank you.

Andy, I owe you an apology, man.

I wasn't very nice to you for the past

- like two and a half years. - You were nice to me.

No, I wasn't. I thought you were really boring

and I kind of thought you were a serial killer.

- ( laughs ) - I'm not joking.

Look, you shouldn't listen to Dave and Jay, okay?

Those guys are crazy. You should listen to me.

Okay, look, there's a hot-ass girl

who works right there. There she is, in the bookstore.

You should ask her out, man.

There's something wrong with her underpants.

- Cal: Yeah, they're not in my mouth. - You know, I kind of...

like the woman from the eBay store.

That's great, but you're not gonna get with anyone

unless you play the odds on this, man.

You need to plant a lot of seeds.

It's like this, when I was growing pot

- I realized that the more... - Thank you.

...seeds I planted the more pot I could ultimately smoke.

I think I have all the advice that I can handle right now.

- Don't get bitter. - I'm not bitter!

I almost lost a nipple, okay?

The problem most men have is

they just plain, straight-up have no clue how to talk to women.

You just ask questions, okay? That's it.

Because women do not care

about what you have to say at all anyway, you know?

And all they want to do is talk about themselves.

So you're just gonna let them do that, okay?

So remember: Questions, be cool

and be kind of a dick.

Here, be David Caruso in "Jade."

Okay, I know exactly what you're talking about.

You do? That's good.

Cal: Oh, there she is.

Go plant that seed, man.

Plant it with your finger.

Can I help you?

I don't know, can you?

Are you looking for something?

Is there something I should be looking for?

( laughs ) Um...

well, we have a lot of books,

so maybe it depends on what you like.

What-- what do you like?

We have a great, um, section

of do-it-yourself.

Do you like to do-it-yourself?

Sometimes. ( giggles )

I mean, if the...

mood strikes.

How is the mood striking you now?

( both laughing )

What's your name?

What's your name?

I'm, uh, Beth.

Andy.

Andy?

Don't tell on me, okay, Andy?

I won't.

Unless you want to be told on...

Beth.

( giggles )

Wow, that totally worked! I literally said nothing and she found me fascinating.

- I would have thought you were doing that for years. - Should I have asked her out?

No, that's the key. You wait for her to grow into a plant

and then you fuck the plant.

Okay. This is easy.

All right. All right.

Hello, Trish. How you doing?

What's going on? ( laughs )

Good joke. Oh, this is a fun conversation.

Just grow a backbone and call her.

She asked you to call her. She wants you to call her.

- ( line ringing ) - ( breathes deep )

- ( phone ringing ) - Hello.

Hey, how you doing?

- Um, how you doing? - I'm well.

Who is this?

This is James.

- James? Do I know you, James? - ( groans )

I was wondering whether you had a few minutes

to talk about, uh, laundry detergent.

Are you a telemarketer, James?

- Yeah. - Are you at the top of a tall building?

Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off!

I mean, you people are sick. Get a real fucking job why don't you?

Go shoot yourself in the fucking head!

Hey, why don't you just get a knife and run into it?

- Why don't you do that? - Okay.

- I'll see you later, James. - Nice to talk to you.

Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.

- ( groans ) - ( doorbell rings )

Hey man, got a big box of porn for you.

Oh.

- Can I come in? - Uh, yeah yeah.

( sighs ) Sweet video game chair.

So, um...

so what's in the box?

It's my personal collection of erotica.

- Oh. - I want to give it to you.

I think there may be a few tapes in there that just might

open up Pandora's box of love.

- Oh, okay. - Amy and I,

we used to watch "Harry Twatter."

And we'd put it on the television then act it out as it was going on.

And it was-- it was all right.

( chuckling ) She was adorable.

Fucking bitch.

Well, you know, this is really gracious and kind generous and everything,

but I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.

There's some really great stuff in here.

Really great great movies in here, man.

- Did you ever see "School of Rock"? - Yeah.

Well this is-- it's called "School of--"

- you know. - Oh, that's nice.

But it stars Jack Blackcock.

Oh, that makes sense.

Dude, here it is.

"Boner Jams '03." It's a mix tape I made.

All these great scenes that I was really into

in the summer of 2003. I think you'd really dig it.

Yeah, I can see that.

This is... "Everybody Loves Raymond."

That's probably not supposed-- that's just a good show. I tape it sometimes.

I don't think you understand something, Dave. I don't want this stuff, okay?

Because I don't do that that much.

- What, masturbate? - Yeah.

Are you-- dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here.

- Are you kidding me? Why not? - It's not a hobby of mine.

Well, then that's the only hobby you don't have.

Ha-ha-ha. No, seriously, I just don't feel comfortable talking--

You need to. You're wound up.

You're like action figures, hermetically sealed in your box.

- You got to play with-- - Don't! Don't!

Don't! Don't take it out! I'm sorry.

You know what? It's just...

it loses it's value if you take it out of it's packaging.

I'm just saying let it out. Give it some air, man.

- Play with it. - Take your porn with you.

- I'm not taking it. - Take your box of porn!

- That is my gift to you. - No, I don't want it.

- David, it's not-- - ( yelling ) Andy, for the last time,

I don't want your giant box of pornography!

No no, shh! Come on, man. That is so uncool.

Uncool?!

Uncool is trying to give an honest man

a big box of porn, Andy!

Dave: For the last time

I don't want to watch "School of Cock" with you.

♪ I've been alone with you ♪

♪ Inside my mind ♪

♪ And in my dreams I've kissed your lips ♪

♪ 1,000 times ♪

♪ I sometimes see you ♪

♪ Pass outside my door ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Is it me you're looking for? ♪

♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪

♪ I can see it in your smile ♪

♪ And I want to tell you so much ♪

♪ I love you. ♪

( dramatic music playing )

( sighs )

It's nothing official.

Just a little token of my appreciation.

Eww! Okay. Okay, new tape.

( laughing on TV )

Nothing is ever good enough and it's always our fault!

You can't speak to your mother like that!

- You do. - She's not my mother!

This right here, you're looking at the Bentley of big-screen TVs.

This is the Rolls-Royce of big-screen-- oh Jeez!

- Dude. - Sometimes I think these butterflies are in here.

Hey, Andy, what are you doing for lunch?

Um, I don't know. I have a turkey sandwich.

We're gonna go around the corner. I think you should come with us.

There's this great place. Lot of cute girls.

I don't know. Okay.

We brought you a shirt.

This place is pretty fancy.

Is something going on?

- Hey, who's ready to have some fun? - ( crowd cheers )

Hey, guys.

Hey! No, don't ignore me. I know what this is.

Within one hour, you'll each have 20 dates.

Would you just quit whining like a bitch?

- I'm not whining like a bitch. - You are.

Man, you're about to cram like 10 years of pimpage into one day.

- I don't want to cram pimpage. - Partner, after that...

you on my level. Come on.

- Cal: Just ask questions. - This is a bad idea.

( buzzer sounding )

- Hi. - Hi, how are you?

I'm fine.

Are you fine?

- Yeah. - You're fine then?

Are you fucking retarded?

What the hell's the matter with you?

- Do you want me to be fucking retarded? - ( buzzer sounds )

When I look into the eyes of the children and the parents

and they're smiling and saying "Thank you, Dr. Montalban, you saved my child."

- Oh, it's worth it. - ( buzzer sounds )

Amy.

- What are you doing here? - David.

And you are Gina?

"Jy-na." Man, what's up?

- Nothing. - Look, I'm gonna be real honest with you.

It's been a long time since I've been with a man.

Spent a lot of time with the ladies.

Looking to get back up on that pogo stick.

- You know what I'm saying? - Excuse me?

Remember that time when we made love and you cried in my arms?

Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked. Please!

- It's so creepy. - Let's go to Paris.

I want to take you underneath the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.

- Cut it out! - Cut what out?

This. "Go to Paris." We've been broken up for two years, man.

- I don't want to date you anymore. - You're a whore.

I am not a whore. I just didn't like you.

- This is so us. - ( both laugh )

- Psycho talk. - What?!

- You're a good-looking man. - Thank you.

Very pretty. Real soft delicate features.

They're real feminine, which is good for me,

because that would be a simple sort of transition, you know what I'm saying?

Maybe throw a little rouge on you,

tuck your sack back. You game?

- No. - ( buzzer sounds )

You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay?

Because you're giving him hope and it's driving the man crazy.

I moved, I changed my email address, my phone number.

- He's practically stalking me. - Well, I didn't know all that,

- so I am sorry. - ( buzzer sounds )

Oh, I love Minnesota.

Woman: I grew up in a town outside of Minneapolis

with like a population of like 500 people. ( chuckles )

- Really small. - Yeah, it's like the land of a thousand lakes.

What about you? You're used to a really big city.

Really-- God, yes.

The town that I grew up in

was really small. I mean,

- it was just so safe. There was no crime. - Boob. Come on.

I mean, a girl could just walk from one end of town to the other

- and just, you know... - Mmm.

- ...feel completely safe. - ( fakes coughs ) Nipple.

- ( buzzer sounds ) - Shorty's heading out.

The spank bank has once again been filled. ( chuckles )

I'll tell you who was the hottest.

You're going to think I'm crazy, but I'm going to tell you.

Gina, man. I can't get Gina out of my head.

- Gonna think of Gina all week. - I think that--

( gears clicking )

- You know what's a fun game? - Huh?

You take three Excedrin P.M.s

and you see if you can whack off before you fall asleep.

- ( sighs ) Oh. - ( phone rings )

You always win is the best part about the game.

- Are you Andy? - Yeah.

Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?

My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card.

Oh, yeah, right.

God, I've been looking for that speed dating card.

Thank you so much for bringing it to me.

So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurting for a squirting"?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, "hurting for a squirting." I wrote that.

Oh, so you wrote, "Ho for sho"?

Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho...

for sho.

Let me show you how this device works.

- I'm just looking for a cordless phone. - Yep, it's great.

You can do anything-- make a video diary.

It's like, "Hey, Amy, how's it going?

How you feeling? I'm great!

I feel fantastic since we broke up.

( shouts ) I feel awesome!"

Can you just show me the department where there would be phones?

"How have you been? What's been going on?

I bet-- hey, have you been doing a lot of this?"

- ( gags ) - Sir, please, sir.

You are never going to meet anybody with that kind of mentality about women,

- you sick son of a bitch! - Who the fuck are you to put me on trial?

I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off

and stop with the inquisition?

- That's how you talk? - You know what?

I don't have to answer to you. You ain't my bitch.

( imitates hood accent ) Know what I'm saying?

So shit, man. Fuck it.

You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.

I don't hang out with him. I work with him and that's it.

I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself.

I don't mess with him. That's not me.

You should keep your ho on a leash.

- Hold, bro, I can't let you-- - Hey hey hey.

- I can't let you be talking to my woman like that, dawg. - Hey, bitch is running wild.

You miss that ass? That's the ass of a free man.

That ass is going out tonight, maybe to a club, maybe to a nightclub.

- Hey, Andy! - David: I'll give it to her for free!

- Take a look at your pal. - Oh my God.

- Yeah, he's performing a public colonoscopy. - Shit.

Isn't that sweet? I'm going to send David home for the day,

- and you're going to fill in for him. - What? Selling things?

- You got that right. - I don't think that's a good idea.

You're going to have to talk to people,

and I know that's a frightening concept, but I think you can handle it.

So get out there and start selling.

- I was making a thing for Amy! - Stop, man.

- Pull these-- ugh. - Check it out. I miss her.

( rock music playing )

Dude, the floor's the ultimate aphrodisiac.

All you got to do is go make your pick now. Come on, man.

( whispers ) Okay.

- And you could act a little enthused about it. - Yeah.

Jay: That's right, that's right. Gazelle in the pink top.

- Oh shit. - Oh, hey. It looks like

- you're checking out digital cameras. - You know what?

He ain't going to do it willingly.

Now we need to facilitate things a bit more.

- Yo, Andy. - Yeah.

- Hey, what's up, dude? This is Jay, man. - Oh hey, Jay.

I am throwing a party tonight. It's going to be real mellow, just chilled out.

Now you really need to be there. It's going to be really really colorful.

- Are you free? - I think so.

That was a joke, man. I know you're free.

- ( chuckles ) - I'm okay.

- Got to go, man. - All right, bye.

So tell me, Montel.

Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, Al Qaeda?

- No, hold up. It's not that kind of party! - No no no!

You're not coming to our fucking party either, okay? Fuck you!

- Yeah. - First of all, it ain't that kind of party.

- Go fuck a goat! - Yeah!

- Why are you always telling me to fuck a goat, man?! - Mooj: Fuck a goat!

( disco music playing )

( elevator dings )

( knocks )

Hello?

Hello?

- ♪ I'm every woman... ♪ - Hello.

- Oh, hello. - ♪ It's all in me... ♪

Hi. Are you here for Jay's party?

Yes. I am Jay's party.

Hiring a transvestite prostitute isn't helping me, man!

What? Ain't nobody hiring no damn transvestite!

She was really nice, incidentally.

If that sister was a transvestite,

that was the Mona Lisa of transvestites.

You got a hummer from the tranny, didn't you?

Aren't we owed one now? 'Cause technically we paid her.

- She had a dick, man! - Do you guys even like me,

or is this some sort of cruel joke

that you're all in on?

Because I'm not a freak! I'm a good person.

I always thought that Matt Damon was a Streisand,

but I think that he's rocking the shit in this one.

( shouts ) Shut up, Dave!

Hold up! Hold up!

Let's just chill on the aggression for a minute.

- Beth: Look at him. - ( woman laughs )

He is such a bad-ass.

- He looks just like Luke Wilson. - Mm-hmm.

- So you're saying she was definitely a man? - Yes.

How do you know that she was a man?

Because her hands were as big as Andre the Giant's

and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.

So you have no proof?

You know what? Just leave me alone.

Just stay away from me or I'm going to tell Paula

that you're all stealing the recordable CDs.

- Whoa! Come on! - Whoa whoa whoa! Come on, man.

We did this 'cause we're you're friends,

and we didn't think you had the balls to do it yourself.

- Oh really? - Dave: Yeah.

Okay, watch this.

Yo, Andy! It's just CDs, man!

That's a third strike for me, dawg!

- ( tires screech ) - ( man yells )

( sighs deeply )

( bells jingle )

Hi.

- Andy, hi. - Right. Yep. You remember my name.

- I did. How you doing? - I'm great. I like your store.

That's good. If you have time, look around, it's--

Okay. How's business been?

You know, it's coming along.

- It takes a while. - Do you want to go out sometime?

Yes. Yes, I would like that.

- Okay. - That'd be great. I think

I'm maybe free this weekend if you, um--

if that's okay. Or you could call me tomorrow

- and we can just firm it up. - Okay.

- Both: Great. - Okay, so I'll call you

and yeah, that'll be good. That'll be good.

- How you doing? - Congratulations.

Okay, so I'll-- yeah.

- Can I help you? - Uh, yeah, these are wonderful.

- I'll take these. - Thanks, they are.

They're great and the goldfish just crack me up.

- Funny. - ( Trish laughs ) Yeah.

Yeah, they are. They're cute.

I actually don't sell anything here.

I just sell them on eBay.

Oh, I don't get it.

- I know. - Okay.

- Can you help me? - No, you're on your own here.

Good luck to you and to you.

- I'll give you a call. - Great.

- Great. Nice to see you. - Thanks for coming in.

- Bye. - ( bell jingles )

So, I guess I'll give you some money

and you can give me these shoes.

You know, I know it seems so strange.

Yeah, so I'd just rather buy them from you, straight up.

Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but--

I wish too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me.

I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them.

- David: I got a corpse in my way. - Cal: Just kill it.

That's so not fair that you have blades in your--

- Ha! - I'm telling you, man. I feel great.

I'm so-- it's like a weight has been lifted.

Celibacy is the way to go, man. Andy had it right.

Look at him. He looks younger than all of us,

but he's 10 years older. Why? It's because he's never had a relationship.

No she-devil sucked his life force out yet.

( phone beeping )

( phone ringing )

- Hello? - Hey hey, hi, hello.

- Um, is this Trish? - Who's calling, please?

- This is Andy. - Oh, hi, Andy!

- Hi, how are you doing? - I'm good, how are you doing?

I'm doing great, I'm doing great.

- So you're gay now? - No, I'm not gay,

I'm just celibate.

I think-- I mean that sounds g--

I just want you to know that this is the first conversation

of three conversations that leads to you being gay.

There's this, and then in a year

it's like, "Oh, you know, I kinda want to get back out there,

but I think I like guys."

And then there's the big, "Oh, I'm a gay guy now."

- You're gay for saying that. - I'm gay for saying that?

- You know how I know you're gay? - How do you know I'm gay?

'Cause you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.

Know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.

- You know how I know you're gay? - How, 'cause you're gay

and you can tell who other gay people are?

- You know how I know you're gay? - How?

You like Coldplay.

- Oh, you're dead. You're dead. Oh! - Oh! Come on.

Leave my torso alone at least.

I also wanted to call and--

and see what night you might want to go out.

I'm actually free tonight.

Well, oh-- okay.

Well, I was thinking maybe this weekend, but that's good.

- Okay. - Oh, great. What time do you want to pick me up?

Uh...

let's see. That's actually kind of a problem,

because I ride a bike.

That's cool, are you kidding me?

I love getting on the back of a motorcycle. My boyfriend in college

- drove a motorcycle so... - Yeah. Yeah.

- ...I'm cool. - Yeah, I bet that was cool.

- I ride a bike-- bikes-- bike-cycle-- bicycle. - Oh.

You know how I know that you're gay?

- How? - You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan."

- You know how I know you're gay? - How?

I saw you make spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.

- You know I know that you're gay? - How?

You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car

- that says "I love it when balls are in my face." - That's gay?

- God damn it! - I'm ripping your head off right now.

It's off,

and now I'm throwing it at your body.

- ( game character grunts ) - Fuck you!

You guys...

she's picking me up in an hour.

Oh, drag, dude.

Wait, she's-- picking you up from here?

- Yeah. - That's fucked up, man.

- Why? - Why?! Seriously!

I mean, look at this place, man.

You-- you gotta see this through the eyes of a woman.

What is she gonna think when she comes in here?

- "Look, he's got a billion toys." - So what?

And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.

Well, s-- all right.

Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?

- It's Oscar Goldman. - Why do you have that?

That's worth a lot of money.

- That's much more valuable than Steve Austin. - That may be the case,

but none of this shit is sexy, okay?

I'm not trying to be sexy, man!

I mean-- Asia? You framed an Asia poster?

How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?

- They did not laugh at me! - Know why you're gay? 'Cause you like Asia.

Cool it with the gay! She's on her way over here, okay?

First you relax, okay?

Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.

We take everything that's embarrassing, and we move it out of here

so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.

- Hi. - Hi, how are you?

- Good. - So, you want to head out?

Did you just move in or something?

Oh, no. No, actually, I'm getting new carpet in--

I'm having carpet put in tomorrow.

- Oh. - So...

- Oh, well. - Yep, okay.

- It looks good with the floors. All right. - Yeah.

I should tear up the hardwood and see if there's carpet underneath.

- ( laughing ) - That's never the case.

- This is gonna be fun. - ( women singing in Japanese )

- Yes, this is. - I drive by this place every day, I've never been in.

I'm glad you came.

I never really go out with nice guys like you.

I think I've avoided nice guys like you my whole life

at my own peril. ( laughs )

My last boyfriend drank a lot.

- Mm-hmm. - And so--

This is just punch.

- It's okay, a little bit's fine. - Buddha punch.

I need some Buddha.

- ( laughing ) - Man: Excuse me, Miss!

Could you gather your team and sing "Happy Birthday" for my daughter please?

( singing "If You're Happy and You Know It" in Japanese )

Yay!

- That was so good. What? - That was great, happy birthday.

- It's your birthday, too? - No.

- Hey, it's his birthday too! - No no no.

Could you sing for him and bring him a cake?

Man: Happy birthday!

( singing "If You're Happy and You Know It" in Japanese )

( silent )

- Thank you. Thank you. - Happy birthday!

- Thanks a lot. - Happy birthday, Andy.

Wow.

You--

You really like kissing, don't you?

- Yes! - ( laughing )

- I really do-- what? - Take off your-- take off your pants, okay?

Oh, okay.

Okay?

- Wow, this is really gonna happen. - Oh, yeah.

Thank God.

Okay. I'm taking off my pants.

Yeah. Do you need some help?

I think almost got 'em. It's hooked on my ankle.

( grunts ) Wow, that's--

Hey, wait, do you have protection?

I don't like guns.

( laughing )

- That's-- funny. - Thanks.

I have condoms right here, okay?

- Okay. - There's, you know--

check the expiration date because they were from when I was married.

We didn't have sex that often, that's why there are so many, okay?

Okay.

- So-- - ( dish rattling )

Oh, got 'em.

( whispers ) How does this go?

Okay.

"Roll over the tip and down onto the base."

Over the balls? It doesn't say.

- ( snaps ) - Ow.

Do you mind if I use your-- Magnum?

( giggles ) Yeah.

Ho-ho-- wow.

You gotta be kidding.

I am Aquaman.

What is that?

( gags )

( coughs )

- ( pops ) - Ah!

Mom? Whoa!

What's going on here? Who the hell are you?

- It's Andy! - Hi, I'm Andy.

- God! What are you doing?! - Marla, get the fuck out of my room!

- Andy: You know what-- - I cannot believe

- you're allowed to have sex but I'm not! That is so unfair! - I'm gonna head out.

- Trish: You should go. - Oh, Jesus, how many times did you just do it?!

- Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.

- ( door slams ) - Shit.

God.

Dude... teach me.

( sighs deeply )

Oh!

Ah, sh--

( trickling )

Oof! My goodness, Andy, you are a terrific salesman.

- Oh, thank you. - Gosh, you really got it down.

- Thanks. - Yeah, your numbers are good.

- Thanks. - I'm gonna put you out on the floor full-time.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Wow, okay. - Good, we're gonna get you a blue shirt and the tie.

- Great, thanks. - You know, Andy, I've been thinking about your problem.

I think I might have a solution for you.

- Hmm. - You ever heard of the term...

"fuck buddy"?

S-- wha--?

It's a special friend

who you fuck.

No, I haven't heard that term.

When I was a little girl,

I developed early.

By the time I was 14, I had this body you're looking at.

- Can you imagine that? - I don't want to, no.

Well, needless to say, a lot of male attention.

I bet, yes.

Especially from our Guatemalan gardener, Javier.

- Okay. - You know, Javier...

before he made passionate yet gentle

love to me for the first time... ( sighs deeply )

he serenaded me

with a beautiful old Guatemalan love song.

Really? That's--

that's-- sounds nice.

( singing in Spanish )

Okay.

Ooh! My goodness. I think we better get back to work.

Yeah-- yeah. I better go back to work.

- Yeah. - So, okay.

- All right. You mull it over and I'll talk to you soon. - All right, I will.

- Okay. - Woman over P.A.: Please come to the in-dash

- car stereos to assist... - ( grunts )

- Hey. - What's up, dawg? What happened?

How was the date with Trish?

- It was a disaster. - Really?

Yes, I've never been more embarrassed in my life.

I couldn't get the condoms to work,

one of them exploded on my balls

and then her kid walked in the room.

- Wait, hold up. She was hiding the kid from you, dawg? - You know what?

It doesn't matter, because it was going downhill straight from there.

Listen, you don't want no baby-daddy drama.

Trust me on this one, a'ight?

For all you know, he in prison right now.

Let's say y'all living together, next thing you know,

you the one going on the 1st and the 15th to pick up the government check.

What if he got boys that's on the outside and they stalking you?

You see what I'm saying? You got to think, partner--

What the fuck are you talking about?

Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin.

You test her with this shit, okay?

Tell me, this is how it's gonna go. Tell me.

- I'm a virgin. - Sweet!

I like that

because you don't have Chlamydia.

And I know that. And that shit is everywhere.

What if she laughs at me, though?

Then you punch her in the fucking head if she laughs.

I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet.

No, I mean, you punch her in the head emotionally.

She's different,

she's someone I felt like I had a connection with.

All you trying to do right now is bust off this first nut.

- You got a whole lot of semen back up in you. - I am going to tell her.

- You should totally tell her. - I'm going to.

'Cause I watched this movie called "Liar, Liar,"

and the message was "Don't lie."

- And that was a smart movie. - Yeah, that's the right thing.

Really?

All your girlfriends wanted to have sex with virgins too?

That's funny, I didn't even know you-- girls talked like that.

I think my first time might be your best time, too.

Well, I knew it. You know what?

I knew that you'd react that way

and I knew that you would want to lead me

through my first sexual encounter

with all the compassion and care

that someone would give to their soulmate.

Oh my God, I am in trouble.

( crickets chirping )

Hey, Andy!

- You watching "Survivor" tonight? - Oh, no.

- Actually, I'm going out to dinner with somebody. - Oh.

- Hi. - Oh, and this is her.

- Um, Trish, this is Joe and Sara. - Hi.

- Hi, Trish. - Hey.

- Tape it for me, okay? - Will do.

- Thanks, all right. - So long.

- See you later. Have a good night. - Sara: Bye-bye.

Yeah, my man's gonna get it on tonight! Yes, sir!

Mm-hmm, and you better get on me, too. Mm-hmm.

What is wrong with this woman? Mercy mercy mercy.

( jazz music playing )

Thanks.

- I'm so sorry that happened the other night. - No, I'm sorry.

- Oh my God. - I'm sorry. That was me.

No. What? ( laughs )

Let me-- I have something I wanna tell you.

Kinda hard to talk about.

But there-- you know,

there's certain-- certain things

about who I am that, um--

I'm sorry, I have to-- I just have to get this off my chest.

I am so sorry I didn't tell you I had kids.

Yeah, what was that about?

Gosh, you know, that really surprised me.

( both laughing )

- Sorry. - No. You should have told me, probably...

- I know! - ...but what do I care if you have a kid?

Well, I have two kids.

Uh, wow! Okay.

- How old are they? - Uh, six...

16.

21.

- 42. - ( laughs )

56-- How many kids do you have?

- I have three. - Okay, three.

- Yeah. Oh, and one of them has a kid. - Oh.

- A one-year-old. - That's cool That's great.

I'm really glad we're doing this.

Me too.

Um...

Listen, Andy, I don't want to send you

running for the hills or anything,

but I really feel like if we decide to do this again

then, um...

maybe we should hold off on the physical part for a while.

That is a fantastic idea.

Why didn't I think of that?

- Really? - Totally.

- No sex? - No!

Why do that?! Because-- here's the thing--

from personal experience I found

that sex can really complicate things,

and what we should be doing right now is just getting to know each other.

Yeah! ( laughs )

I never thought you'd go for it.

I'm going for it.

That just is a great great notion.

- ( laughs ) - Are you serious?

Look at my face. Look at how serious I am.

Can you see my nostrils?

- ( laughs ) Yes. - That's serious.

Well, that's more angry-- ( laughs )

Yeah. You know what? Most guys would be

saying "Yeah," right now,

but, like, by the third date it'd be,

"Hey, baby, I really need to physically express

how I feel," all that stuff. ( laughing )

Well, hey, baby, you know, three dates?

Make it 10. 10 dates.

How about 15?

- 15?! - ( laughing )

Screw your 15! 20 dates!

- Okay, 20 dates. - 20 dates.

- Okay. - This is genius.

It's gonna hurt. ( laughing )

Not as much as you think.

- ( moaning ) - We can really get to know each other this way.

Yeah. This is one, right?

Uh-huh-- no, next one.

( door opens )

Ahem. Is it safe to come in, or are you guys doing it?

- Honey, it's safe. - Ahem.

Great.

- Well, good timing. ( chuckles ) - Yeah.

- You remember Marla. - Hi, we met.

And this is my little bunny rabbit Julia.

- Hey. - This is Andy.

Julia, how're you doing? You know what?

Do you by any chance like magic?

- Yeah. - I thought that you might...

- ( Trish chuckling ) - because I noticed on the way in

that you had something shiny behind your ear.

Marla, did you see that? Something behind her ear?

I think you do. Can I check?

Do you mind if I check behind your ear?

( pops lips, yells ) Big money!

- Whoa! - ( Trish laughing )

- That's amazing! - Wow, it is amazing!

There's something else, too, behind your ear, I think.

No, actually it's not behind your ear. It is your ear.

( yells ) Crrrip! It is your ear.

- ( Trish laughing ) - There is your ear!

I ripped it off.

- Gross! - Yeah, that's sick. ( laughing )

All right, wait, okay, but that means

that you walk around with a rubber ear in your pocket all day?

Um, yeah, like, half the time.

You know, I can come to your high school

and do it for your friends if you want.

You know what? I should head out.

- Oh really? - Yeah.

Oh, well, I have to give you a ride home.

- Right, yes, you do. - Right.

- Yeah, 'cause you don't have a car, right? - Right, I don't have a car.

That's good, 'cause he doesn't have a car and he does magic.

Awesome. Wow.

And sarcasm is like a second language to me,

so I'm right there with you.

( both giggling )

- ( jazz music playing ) - ( phone rings )

Yello!

- Hey hey hey, Cal. - Hey!

I just got back from the date.

Did you tell her you're a virgin?

Uh, no. I haven't gotten to that yet.

Really? Are you having sex right now?

No! She was incredible.

She was amazing. She didn't pressure me.

Hey, oh, and-- and-- and she has three kids!

And one of her kids has a kid.

You all right?

Did you just say that she has three kids,

one of whom has a kid?

- Yeah! - So she's a grandma?

- No. - I'm not a doctor or anything like that,

but she's a fucking grandma. ( laughing )

Yeah, well, whatever, you know.

- She's the hottest grandma I ever saw. - Yeah, she is.

- She's a hot grandma. - That's a good-looking grandma.

My grandma looks like Jack Palance.

- Well, she's no Jack Palance. - No, if Jack Palance looked

like that lady, I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.

( laughs ) Yeah, me too. She's a hot grandma.

Hey, yeah. No, do a grandma, man.

You should fuck her on her plastic-covered couch.

Fuck her while she watches "Murder She Wrote." She would probably

- find that very erotic. - Yeah, well, whatever, you know.

Fuck her and then have her send you a check for $12 on your birthday.

I'm the dude with the hot granny!

- Do her. - ( laughs )

Andy: What did you want to talk to me about?

Well, Andy, the numbers just came in,

and you are by far our best salesman.

- Cool. - So I am promoting you to floor manager.

This is the bullshit of all bullshits,

you scumbag ass kisser!

Thank you. That's great.

I understand you have a girlfriend.

Yeah, I'm kinda seeing somebody.

- I'm very happy for you. - Thanks. She's great.

- Are you still a virgin? - Oh, you know...

- I don't really talk about my personal life-- - You're a virgin.

- Yes, I am. - Yeah.

My door is always open...

- so to speak. - Great.

Great. Thank you.

I'm very discreet...

but I'll haunt your dreams.

- Okay. - Okay.

( inhales deeply )

( quietly ) Wow.

So who's gonna take my job?

Cal will be taking over your job,

and he's interviewing people right now for his old job.

So, have you ever worked with electronics before?

- No. - No.

But I have electronics in my home.

Perfect!

That's the job, pretty much. You're very well qualified.

- More than these other losers. - ( both giggle )

- I could do that-- - Wait wait wait wait, last thing, last thing.

I'm also gonna need that extended warranty on it

for the price of... on the house, hmm?

That I can't do.

Hey, don't be a Negro, be my nigga, all right? Help me out.

Wait, hold on, hold on. I ain't nobody's nigga.

Well, I mean, you're somebody's nigga, wearing this nigga tie.

- Now you're being condescending, see? - Mm-hmm.

You've been warned, a'ight? Let's move forward amicably.

Okay, check this out, though. First of all, you're throwing too many big words at me, okay?

Now, because I don't understand them, I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect.

- Mmm. - Watch your mouth and help me with the sale.

Okay, see-- see, now you found yourself a nigga.

- You were lookin' for a nigga? Nigga here now. - Okay.

Today's forecast-- dark and cloudy,

and chance of drive-by.

Jay, what's going on?

( sobbing ) Jill broke up with me.

Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?

I came home a little tipsy,

and I had one of my condoms on still.

I woke up the next morning

and jumped in the shower with her.

I don't know what I was thinking!

Why did you cheat on her?

Because I'm insecure! You can't tell?

I know, I know, I know, man. It's gonna be okay.

- I'm cold. - It's gonna be all right, man.

I'm-- seriously, man, I'm sorry.

I apologize to you. I know. If you want to have a meaningful relationship,

you gotta leave the sex out of it, man, you're right.

- It's all right. You're good. Okay. - I'm sorry.

- Come here. I love you, man. - Oh, man, I love you too.

( crying )

- You're a good guy. - ( exhales )

Do you know how I know you guys are gay, hmm?

You're holding each other ever so gently.

- ( Andy sighs ) - Cabrón.

- Whoo! Whoo-hoo! - ( chuckles )

- Abbondanza! - Trish: Bravo!

- Yay! - At least he can cook, Mom.

- ( growls ) - Ugh!

♪ Look at what's happened to me... ♪

It's, uh, Spiderman.

- ♪ I can't believe it myself... ♪ - ( Julia roars )

- Whee! - ( yelling )

♪ Suddenly I'm up on top of the world ♪

♪ It should have been somebody else... ♪

Pull out slowly and go straight ahead.

- ( both scream ) - ♪ Believe it or not ♪

♪ I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away ♪

♪ On a wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be? ♪

( laughs )

♪ Believe it or not, it's just me. ♪

( vocalizes music )

( screams, grunts )

I'm all right! Nobody's there.

Trish: I want to know everything about you.

- I wanna tell you. - You do?

- Yeah. - Like what do you want to do?

- What are your dreams? - Uh...

You don't want to work at Smart Tech for the rest of your life.

- I-- I've been working there for a long time... - Yeah.

...and I've been thinking lately that maybe I should open my own store.

- ( gasps ) Really? - Yeah.

- What kind of store? - Well, like a stereo store.

Oh my God, that is-- so why don't you do that?!

I don't have enough money to do that.

What about those collectibles? I bet if you sold those,

you could make a lot of money.

I just sold a guy's G.I. Joe for 1,000 bucks!

- Really? - Do you have any of those?

- Yeah. - You do?

- I have 47 of 'em. - ( laughs ) No, you don't!

- Yeah, in the original boxes. - You don't!

I could help you sell them on eBay,

and I-- I mean, I would not take a commission, I swear to God!

You could do it. You could totally pull it off.

- Yeah, let's do it. - Let's do it.

Aquaman, get your gloves on...

send you off to...

a farm with lots of land,

so you and other Aquamen can run around,

play in the Aqua-fields.

Godspeed, Colonel Steve Austin.

You don't wanna go, do you? Okay, you can stay.

Steve Austin can stay. Yeah, right.

( Marla screaming ) I have done everything but sex!

I'm a woman, okay? Deal with it!

I'm gonna start taking you back to church!

- We are gonna start going to church! - ( door opens )

- Hello? Hello? - Marla: You know what?!

What the hell are you talking about? Oh my God, I cannot believe this.

- Thank God you're here. Oh Jesus Christ. - Hi.

- Marla locked herself in the bathroom. - What happened?

She wants to go to the family health clinic. She wants birth control,

- but she's too young! - ( screaming ) I want to have sex

with my boyfriend, but I can't, Mom!

So you want me to take her?

- No, I don't want you to take her! - Okay, all right.

I want her to keep it in her pants until she gets to college!

Whoa whoa whoa! Keep it in my pants?!

Okay, you didn't keep it in your pants, Mom!

- Hey, Marla. - I know!

I don't want you to make the same mistakes as me!

Oh, mistakes? Okay, so I was a mistake then?!

No, you're not a mistake!

Your sister was the mistake.

( screeches ) Oh my God!

Her older sister-- I mean, she wasn't planned.

You know what I mean? Because I was such a--

Oh God, you wanna run away, don't you?

- Nope. - You and your boyfriend...

have sex all the time!

Oh my God! Are you kidding?!

- We never have sex. Do we ever have sex? - No, we don't.

What?! Yes, you do!

You're such a liar! Why are you lying to me? Why?

( slams door, babbling )

I didn't hear anything after "liar."

- What did she say after "liar"? - She sounds like a teakettle.

Fuck you!

- What sh-- - Maybe I should take her.

- No, I don't think so. - A little information never hurt anybody.

( whispering ) Cool.

Wow.

Where-- where do you put the penis?

( clatters )

Now, you're all here because you're interested

in obtaining birth control. Any questions?

( clears throat ) Here's a cute story.

I came home the other day and he is with his girlfriend

in my marital bed

doing things that are illegal in Alabama.

Sex acts, right? Things that my wife won't do, okay?

- Did you have a question? - How do I get my wife to do that?

Does anybody else have a question?

My daughter is--

for lack of a better word-- dumb.

How do I stop her menstrual cycle?

You want her to stop having a menstrual cycle?

I want to stop it-- maybe just for a few years.

Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.

- Does anybody else have a question? - I have a question.

I think some of the people here

might be sexually inexperienced.

Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?

Is that a serious question?

No, it wasn't.

Now, there are a lot of activities you can engage in

without having sex that are both fun and safe.

What sort of activities? I think...

everybody wants to know about the activities.

Well, instead of having intercourse,

you could have outercourse.

"Outercourse"? Ew, what's that?

Yeah, what is that?

Outercourse is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse.

I prefer vaginal intercourse.

( chuckles ) He really does.

Now, there are ways of having sex

without intercourse.

Let's see, there are things like body rubbing

- or dry humping. - You could dry hump.

- There's masturbation, - Masturbation, play with yourself.

- Mutual masturbation, - Play with a friend.

Deep kissing. There's erotic massage.

Oh, that sounds like it would be nice.

- Oral sex play. - Sounds like my Friday night.

Shut up, Seth, we went to temple.

Okay, are there any virgins here

who are thinking about having sex for the first time?

- Oh. - ( laughing )

Wait, so you're a virgin? ( laughs )

I'd tap that.

Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that." Seth, what?

You think you're cool with your little Jew-fro?

We don't say "tap that." What-- what are you talking about, Seth?

You know what? I'm a virgin, too.

- ( men laughing ) - Hey, that's--

- We're virgins too. - Yeah.

( laughing )

No, you know what? It's a personal choice,

and-- and I don't think it's weird at all.

You know what your problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.

That's the second time I've heard that.

What is the pussy on a pedestal thing?

Okay, I can't listen to any more of this,

'cause it's making me sick, so bye.

- You can get this information on your website, right? - Oh, yes.

- Thanks, nice meeting everybody. - Any other questions?

Do you have any extra-large condoms?

Seth, you've got a tiny penis.

So, I made that all up to help you out.

No, you didn't.

But, um, thank you

for doing that.

How can you tell?

Well, you know, I go to school with like 400 guys

- who are all trying to have sex. - Wow.

- Yeah, so I can tell who's done it. - Of course.

- And you really haven't. - No, I really haven't.

Please don't tell your mom, okay?

- Yeah, I won't. - Thanks.

But-- when are you gonna tell her?

Believe me, I'm working on it.

I am working on it.

( pop music playing )

Cal. David.

I think she likes you, man.

Hmm, I know. Too bad I retired my cock.

Y'all wanna see something beautiful? Come here!

You want to see the most beautiful thing in the world? Check this out!

This is my baby right here. That's my baby's dick right there.

Looks like a poltergeist.

That is his foot.

Look at his dick. That's not even four months.

Extrapolate that.

By the time he's 30, what's going to happen? Hey, yo, Andy!

Yo, come check this out, dawg.

Oh, is this the movie about babies that are geniuses?

- No, no. This is my child, dude. Jill is pregnant. - That's yours?

Yeah! That's why she broke up with me in the first place

'cause she just thought I wouldn't be a really good father

in light of the fact that I be cheating on her all the time, but she got over that.

Congratulations, man, that is great!

We having a party tonight, Andy, and I really want you to be there.

We celebrating and I really, really want you to be there.

It looks like the doppler radar.

Can you believe that? This child ain't even four months old.

He ain't even four months old yet, look at what he's packing.

Everybody dick looks big on 60" TV.

My sister's dick looks big on TV, okay?

- ( crickets chirping ) - Trish: Oh my God, this guy Eric Gilliland?

- Uh-huh. - He has bought like 15 of these.

- Really? - Yeah, I think he likes action figures even more than you.

- That is impossible. - I think so.

Andy, the way these things are flying off your shelf,

you know, I think you could actually make like--

- maybe like $100,000. - Really?

Yeah, you could open your store.

- Wow. - I mean--

- That's a lot of money. - I know.

That's incredible. I wouldn't have done it without you.

Thanks.

And that's not the only good news.

- What? - You know what tonight is?

"Survivor" is on?

- No. - No? Is it...

"The Apprentice"?

- No. - Hmm, what?

It's our...

20th date.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

- Seriously? I think-- I think we're at 18. - Nuh-uh.

There were a couple dates there that don't count as dates.

No. I'll give you a free pass on those other ones.

- Thank you. - Listen.

- What? Mm-hmm. - Listen.

I really like you.

I-- I--

( sighs )

I think I'm falling for you.

I don't know. I kinda see this...

- going somewhere. - I do too.

I just think we should just go crazy on each other.

- Okay. - Okay?

Oh, thank God.

Oh!

Okay, I should-- I gotta pick those up.

Wait, no, pick them up later.

- No, I have to pick those up right now. - Wait, we'll get 'em later.

Listen, it's really important because

once the integrity of the box gets compromised--

this is original packaging and that's why these things are so valuable.

So you don't-- you don't screw with that.

- You really don't screw with that. - All right.

Well, we can wrap 'em again later, you know?

Yeah, but you know what? This is very important that we don't--

- we don't lose the value or compromise the integrity-- - Andy, I'm...

throwing myself at you

- and all you can think about is fucking toys! - They're not fucking toys!

This is Iron Man, okay?

I got this when I was in 2nd grade!

- Do you know how hard it is for a kid to not open that? - Uh-huh.

This is important, these are my things

and you are trying to make me sell them and I don't want to.

- No. - And you're making me.

- I-- I'm not making-- - You're encouraging me to quit my job.

- I'm not! I'm not trying-- - You want me to open a store!

You want me to sell everything. You know what? I'm gonna tell you something.

I don't just change like that. I can't just change for you.

I don't-- I'm not trying to change you.

I like you!

- I'm trying to help you grow up, Andy. - Well, thanks a lot.

I mean, my God, you ride a bicycle to work in a stockroom--

You know what? I'm not in the stockroom anymore,

- I'm a floor manager. - Okay.

I ride a bike because I like to. Einstein rode a bike.

He had a wife, who he fucked, by the way.

What do I have to do for you to have sex with me?

Do you want me to dress up like Thor? I'll dress up like Thor.

I'll dress up like Iron Man. What do they do? I'll do it!

Why-- everything's always about sex.

Why don't you want to have sex with me? Why not?

You tell me the truth. Is it because I have a kid who has a kid? Is that why?

No, it's cool! I love the fact that you're a grandmother.

- Oh God! - You are! You're a hot grandma!

Oh my God! You are so mean!

- Get out! - Okay, fine, good!

- Good, fine, you're gonna go. - I didn't ask for any of this.

- You asked for all of it, Andy! - Okay, great.

Hey, if that's the way you want it,

that's the way homie's gonna play it.

Yeah, truth be told.

( horns blaring )

♪ Hot this year ♪

♪ Say what? Uh uh uh... ♪

Ooh, baby, you better enjoy yourself tonight,

'cause once this baby's born,

- you ain't going out again till that baby's in college. - Me?

- Yeah. - You the club rat. I'm not the one that be going out.

I'm not a club rat.

Now you're gonna get up, you're gonna march over there

and I want you to hit on Bernadette... now!

Dude, I'm not gonna hit on Bernadette.

Yes, you are, man! 'Cause your depression

is boring me for one thing and it's actually making me a little depressed.

Which is then in turn making me more depressed that you're actually affecting my mood.

Look, I'm not in any kind of place

to talk to a woman, all right?

I'm just-- I'm fragile.

I hired her for you.

I hired a 90-lb. girl to work in the stock room

at Smart Tech for you, okay?

I should've hired a 300-lb. guy

who could lift a 60" wide screen,

but instead I hired a hot girl

who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.

- You hired her for me? - Yes!

- So will you go talk to her? - Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.

No.

- Did you just flick me in the nuts? - No.

I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be.

Ow! Quit flickin' my balls, man!

Okay, I'll stop flickin' your balls.

But I'll start punching your nuts!

Oh! Okay.

- Well played, sir. - Okay.

- Thank you. - No problem, man. Go get 'em.

Mooj, you done seen my son. You know his foot gonna be bigger than this.

That baby looks Pakistani. Don't fucking look at me, okay?

I wouldn't mind, you got good genes.

- How old are you? What, 138? - When your son is born, is he already on parole?

- ( sighs ) - ♪ Sexy how you move that body ♪

♪ Got me like whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ Welcome to the after party... ♪

I need some poon.

You guys were so right, right from the beginning.

I need genital to genital connection,

and that's all I need.

You know the thing about relationships is that

they make one person go...

( babbles )

...and the other person go, "What are you talking about?"

And then one person goes... ( babbles )

How much have you had to drink, man?

Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey! How many pots have you smoken?

- What are you talking about? - How many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life?

Let me ask you that! You know what?! You don't have an answer for that, do you?!

- ( stammers ) - Fuck you, man! I'm sorry. No no no no.

You're such a good guy, and I appreciate you.

What's up, baby? I didn't know you came already!

Hey hey hey hey, mothafucka.

Oh, man, you know what? Tonight is the night.

And you know what? You were totally right,

and I was wrong. You were right all along.

You cannot have

a relationship with somebody

until you have sex

and that's the long--

that's the long and short of it, so thank you.

- No, whoa whoa whoa! That's good. I got it. - You're the best.

And now I have to go hunt for some hos.

( laughs )

- Is he gonna be all right? - No, I don't think he is.

♪ In my hot tub swimming like that ♪

♪ Here comes my... ♪

Cal said you were celibate.

- No, I just said that so he wouldn't hit on me anymore. - Oh.

♪ Ah-ha! Welcome to my after party... ♪

Hey, you!

( giggles )

- H-h-h-hey! - Hey.

How you doing?

Oh, I'm much better now that I'm talking to you.

Hey, looky,

I can see through your shirt.

Nice!

So, you think we should

take this party to my apartment or what?

I am RSVPing yes.

Hope you have a big trunk,

'cause I'm putting my bike in it.

Oh ho-ho-ho!

Yeah! Let's go!

Mom! I left my phone somewhere and-- oh, thank you.

What's the matter?

- Where's Andy? - We had a big fight.

- He just-- - Oh, Mom.

- He just stormed out of here. - What happened?

Well, I just-- wait a minute, I thought you hated him.

I don't hate him.

I mean, he does do magic, but you know.

He's a big dork, and I like seeing you happy.

I do.

That's sweet, that's really sweet.

Mom.

Why don't you just go talk to him?

Work it out. Nothing's that important that you can't just talk to him.

- ( pop music playing ) - Bow, chick-uh, bow, chick-uh, bang-bow, bow!

Yeah! Ha ha!

- ( gasps ) - Yeah!

Oh, right! Okay!

Yeah. That was a fun day.

- ( laughs ) - You--

you are so... kinky.

- ( gasping ) - Yeah, I'm so kinky.

- That's why I did this because-- - ( laughing excitedly )

- because I thought it looked-- - You like to shave, don't you?

- Yeah. - Let's shave each other.

- I don't think you have any hair. - You know where to shave me.

- Yeah! - 'Cause I want to shave you.

I want to shave your head.

I wanna give you a buzz cut.

- Let's get in the bath. - ♪ I'll taste just like candy... ♪

- In the bath tub? - Yes.

We're gonna get dirty dirty dirty, sudsy.

- You know, it's just about time I got really dirty. - Yeah!

Hmm-hmm-hmm!

Wow, that came out fast.

Okay.

- ( smacks ) - Ow! Wow!

Holy shit!

Wow, that-- this is just the right thing to happen.

Yeah yeah yeah! Wow! Almost on my peter!

Come to mama.

I am gonna really take care of you tonight.

- Okay. - You're never gonna forget Beth.

Yeah.

♪ I'll let you touch... ♪

Mmm!

( laughs )

I just want to please you.

What do you like?

I don't-- I don't know.

What do you like?

Can I show you what I like?

- Okay. - ♪ You've got let your body... ♪

Hey, hi, it's-- it's me and, uh,

I'm on my way to your house. I want to do whatever you want to do, okay?

50 dates, 100.

I hope not, but-- whatever.

I'm gonna see you soon, okay?

Bye.

Mm-hmm. ( moans )

Oh, it's so hot in here.

I want to introduce you to my friend.

- ♪ Come through my door, take off my clothes... ♪ - Your friend is so shiny.

This guy knows exactly what I like.

( giggles )

Where's your friend going?

- ( moaning ) - Whew.

This is how I'm gonna warm up for you.

That's always good, to warm up.

You don't want to pull something.

- ( moaning ) - ♪ Tell me your secrets ♪

♪ And I-- I'll tell you mine ♪

♪ I'm feeling quite sexy ♪

♪ And I want you for tonight ♪

♪ If I move too fast, just let me know... ♪

Wow.

This is graphic.

( laughing pleasurably )

♪ And I like a man that goes ♪

♪ Baby, it's yours, all yours ♪

- ♪ If you want it tonight... ♪ - I can't do it.

♪ I'll give you... ♪

( whispers ) God! What are you doing here?!

We came here 'cause we were concerned about you and Trish,

and now I could not give a fuck.

How did you even know where she lives?

I hit it, like eight months back.

- What?! - Never gave her back the key.

Man, you-- you have no idea where this is going. That girl is a freak.

Beth: Oh, it's happening! It's happening!

Andy! ( screaming )

- Oh, you think? - We've been talking,

and-- look. If you love Trish, you can't do this.

Look, you guys, I don't know what I'm doing anymore,

I don't even know who I am.

All I know is that woman

scares the shit out of me

and I just want to go home, okay?

- Let's go. - Yeah, we should all get out of here.

- Okay. - Cal: We should all go.

- It wasn't that good for me. - We should totally get out of here.

- We should run away from here. - ( Beth squealing )

- Hey. - ( Beth laughs )

Cal.

( horn blaring )

Go around!

Come on, just go around me!

Can't you hear me?!

Hey, there.

Hi, Trish.

( exhales ) Oh, man, I'm really sorry about tonight.

What's this?

Oh, those are David's.

I think he has a problem.

These are David's?

- He's into that. - David's...

"Boner Jams '03"?

Yeah, God, it was-- it's so sad.

He compiled all the best boner scenes I guess.

- ( slams tapes ) - This isn't what it looks like, okay?

What does this look like?

A vagina.

- And what do you with this vagina? - To learn.

- It's for medicinal purposes. - ( groans )

- Hey, I'm sorry. God-- - What's this?

This your-- your date drug?

- Your roofie? - It's a Mentos.

- They're the Freshmaker. - Yeah, right.

What are you some kind of sex pervert, a deviant--

- No, I'm not a sexual deviant. - Well, what is all this?

I haven't even tried to have sex with you, so--

What are you trying to do? What are you buttering me up for?

- Aw, come on. - You're not gonna try and kill me, are you?

- Look, Trish-- - You didn't get a new carpet...

I am not trying to kill you.

I love you.

- I love you! - Oh God! Oh!

Trish.

( car door slams )

Trish! No no!

No! No, Trish, stop!

( tires squealing )

♪ I never meant to be so bad to you... ♪

- Come on, Trish! - ♪ One thing I said that I would never do... ♪

I need to talk to you!

- No! - ♪ A look from you and I would fall from grace... ♪

Damn it!

♪ And that would wipe the smile right from my face ♪

♪ It was the heat of the moment ♪

♪ Telling me what your heart meant ♪

♪ The heat of the moment ♪

♪ Shone in your eyes ♪

♪ It was the heat of the moment ♪

- ♪ The heat of the moment... ♪ - Andy: Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

- ( grunts ) - ( bicycle bell rings )

- Ah! - Oh! Oh my God!

( tires squealing, horns blaring )

- Wow. - Oh, Andy.

Andy, oh my God!

Call 911!

- Oh my-- Andy! - Wow wow.

- Oh my God. - Yep, just-- I'm gonna need a minute.

- Oh my-- - I'm in a lot of pain right now.

Oh my God, are you okay?

( groans ) There were two sides to that billboard,

and they both hurt equally.

Oh, Andy! Andy.

( exhales )

- Are you okay? - I'm okay.

No, I'm not okay.

I'm a virgin.

A what?

I'm a virgin. I always have been.

- Shoot. - Andy, is that what all this was about?

I'm sorry.

You're just a virgin, that's all?

- Yeah. - That's good. That's a good thing.

I feel stupid.

It's okay, I thought you were trying to kill me.

( laughs )

No.

Oh my God.

No, I'm not trying to kill you.

( grunts ) That's why I never tried to have sex with you.

I was scared.

Okay, I just--

'cause I didn't know what I was doing,

I just didn't think it would be good.

Of course it'll be good, we love each other.

Really?

I love you.

Yeah.

( horn blaring ) Get the fuck out of the road, virgin!

Shut up, you fuckin' jerk!

No, that's okay. That's all right! Sorry!

You know what? For so long,

I've thought that there was something wrong with me,

because it had never happened.

But...

I realize now that it was just because I was waiting for you.

This is some wedding. How did they pay for all of it?

Dude sells his toys and makes like a half a million dollars.

- That's crazy, right? - That's fuckin' crazy.

We gonna get some fuckin' toys.

We are all so happy for you,

and I am delighted

to say these words:

Andy, you may kiss the bride.

( guests applauding )

Yeah!

Woo!

And for God's sake, consummate the thing!

No no no, stop it!

I have the key, I have the key.

- Ah! - ( machine whirring )

- ( whirring stops ) - Hey. I'm not gonna be done

buffing the marble for about a half an hour,

but you can come in and sit down if you want.

Or wait in the lobby, it's okay. It's up to you.

( machine whirring )

( singing in Spanish)

Dude, get the fuck out of here!

( whirring stops )

( moaning )

Ah.

- Ready? - Yeah.

Yeah?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Whoa.

You're officially not a virgin.

Cool.

- ( sighs ) - Wow.

Ooh.

Wanna do it again?

- Yeah, sure. - Good, okay.

That was-- that was good. That was okay.

- Okay. - Okay, you ready?

- Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm fine.

( panting )

So how was that for you?

♪ When the moon ♪

♪ Is in the seventh house ♪

♪ And Jupiter aligns with Mars ♪

♪ Then peace will guide the planets ♪

♪ And love will steer the stars ♪

♪ This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius ♪

♪ The age of Aquarius ♪

♪ Aquarius ♪

♪ Aquarius ♪

♪ Harmony and understanding ♪

♪ Sympathy and trust abounding ♪

♪ No more falsehoods or derisions ♪

♪ Golden living dreams of visions ♪

♪ Mystic crystal revelations ♪

♪ And the mind's true liberation ♪

♪ Aquarius ♪

♪ Aquarius. ♪

♪ Let the sun shine ♪

♪ Let the sun shine in ♪

♪ The sun shine in ♪

- ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ - ( singing scat )

♪ Let the sun shine in ♪

♪ The sun shine in ♪

♪ Let the sun shine ♪

- ♪ Whoa let it shine ♪ - ♪ Let the sun shine in ♪

- ♪ Oh, let it shine ♪ - ♪ The sun shine in ♪

- ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ - ♪ Whoa, let it shine ♪

- ♪ Let the sun shine in ♪ - ♪ Let it shine, yeah ♪

♪ The sun shine in ♪

- ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ - ♪ Let it go, yeah yeah ♪

♪ Let the sun shine in ♪

♪ The sun shine in ♪

- ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ - ♪ Let it shine, let it shine ♪

♪ Let the sun shine in ♪

♪ The sun shine in ♪

♪ Let the sun shine ♪

♪ Let the sun shine in ♪

♪ The sun shine in. ♪

( pop rock music playing )

♪ Your technique, it leaves me weak ♪

♪ My heart knows it's the beat I seek and I found it ♪

- ♪ Just got lucky ♪ - ♪ Oh, yes, I found it ♪

♪ Just got lucky ♪

♪ I never worry that your love is fake ♪

♪ I'm feeling easy, and I'm feeling jake ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪

- ♪ Oh, boy, I found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪

♪ 'Cause I never felt this way before ♪

♪ Like a dog always begging for more ♪

♪ Whoa, yeah! ♪

♪ I've been fooled by love so many times ♪

♪ I gave up on all the silly rhymes ♪

♪ Kept my feelings all inside my heart ♪

♪ A locked door, no key was cut that was to fit ♪

♪ Now I'm such a very lucky guy ♪

♪ Gang way, one side now, come on hear me say ♪

♪ We found the answer and it's plain to see ♪

- ♪ Come on hear me say ♪ - ♪ That I'm for you and you're for me ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪

- ♪ Together we found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪

♪ I feel a quiver every time we kiss ♪

♪ The sky's the limit with a love like this ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪

- ♪ Together we found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪

♪ 'Cause I never felt this way before. ♪