Original subtitles

IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.

HARRY, COME OUT AND LOOK AT THE STARS WITH US.

OH, NO.

YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME OUT FOR THE NIGHT AGAIN.

FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.

FOOL ME SIX TIMES,

SHAME ON ME.

WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT NOW?

JUST SOMETHING I LEARNED

FROM THIS SELF-HELP TAPE I BOUGHT AT A YARD SALE.

"DR. MARTIN BLAYNE'S PATH TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION--

SAY YES TO YOU."

THIS WILL SOLVE MY CONFIDENCE PROBLEM.

WHY DO YOU HAVE A CONFIDENCE PROBLEM?

WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?

TOMMY, WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT THE STARS?

I HAVE STUDYING TO DO, DICK.

YOUR HOMEWORK IS TAKING UP TOO MUCH TIME.

YEAH. NOW THEY'VE CHANGED PHYS-ED TO HEALTH CLASS.

I HAVE TO MEMORIZE 287 DIFFERENT BODY PARTS.

YOU HAVE AN OWNER'S MANUAL?

HERE'S A PICTURE OF ALL THE DIFFERENT ORGANS

IN OUR ABDOMINAL CAVITY.

OHH! OH, GOD!

I READ SOMEPLACE THAT YOU CAN STRETCH A MAN'S NERVE ENDINGS

FROM NEW YORK TO SAN FRANCISCO...

BUT HE WOULD DIE.

LOOK. HERE'S A SECTION ON VIRGINITY AND ABSTINENCE.

I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED SEX YET,

SO I GUESS THAT MAKES ME A VIRGIN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THANKS.

IT FEELS KIND OF WEIRD.

I'M PROUD OF IT,

BUT I'M ALSO A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.

DO MEN HAVE ANYTHING THEY'RE BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED OF

AT THE SAME TIME?

DRAWING A BLANK. NO. NO, NO.

"EZEKIEL BEGAT JEDEDIAH,

"JEDEDIAH BEGAT EPHRAIM,

EPHRAIM BEGAT LEMUEL."

MAN, THESE PEOPLE BEGAT THEIR BRAINS OUT.

GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.

HELLO.

WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

MY WHAT?

I'M UPDATING THE OFFICE BIRTHDAY LIST.

DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

ARE YOU PLEADING THE FIFTH?

THE FIFTH SOUNDS FINE. THIS MONTH.

AH. THAT'S THIS MONDAY.

HOW OLD WILL YOU BE?

WHY DO YOU NEED A SPECIFIC NUMBER?

ARE YOU KEEPING SCORE?

IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET SENSITIVE, NEVER MIND.

I DON'T SEE WHY AGE IS SO IMPORTANT.

YOU GOT A MILESTONE CREEPING UP ON YOU?

NO, NO.

THAT'S MY UNDERWEAR.

GOOD MORNING.

HELLO, DR. ALBRIGHT.

AH, LAURIE, DR. SOLOMON.

LAURIE IVERS.

HELLO.

YOU HAVE A FIRM HANDSHAKE.

THANKS.

LAURIE'S VISITING THE CAMPUS.

YOU ARE IN REALLY EXCELLENT CONDITION.

THANK YOU. I WORK OUT.

OH, I CAN TELL. IT'S VERY FIRM.

LAURIE'S STUDYING FOR HER DOCTORATE IN ANTHROPOLOGY.

SHE'S CONSIDERING COMING TO PENDLETON.

YOU'VE CHOSEN A MEDIOCRE INSTITUTION,

AND WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU.

THANKS.

WOULD YOU SHAKE MY HAND AGAIN?

UMM...I SUPPOSE.

OH.

NINA, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE LAURIE TO THE LIBRARY

TO SHOW HER THE INCA EXHIBIT?

EXHIBIT? IT'S THREE COINS AND A SPOON.

DON'T SPOIL IT FOR HER. JUST TAKE HER.

IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE! IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU!

WILL YOU ACT YOUR AGE?

WHAT'S MY AGE HAVE TO DO WITH IT?

LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW. WELL, I DO.

WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

ALL I KNOW IS THAT WHEN I WAS LAURIE'S AGE

I DIDN'T APPRECIATE HAVING MIDDLE-AGED MEN FAWN OVER ME.

YOU WERE ONCE HER AGE?

YES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

VERY WELL. NOT IT IS.

YOU SAY MRS. DUBCEK BROUGHT IT TO US?

UH-HUH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WANTS?

WHAT IS IT TRYING TO TELL US?

THE THING THAT SCARES ME THE MOST

ARE THE LITTLE ORANGES IN ITS STOMACH.

HELLO. I'M DR. MARTIN BLAYNE.

COME JOIN ME ON A PATH TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.

SAY YES TO YOU.

YES.

FIRST, YOU SHOULD LEARN TO BE COMFORTABLE

TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF.

WHEN ASKED YOUR NAME, SAY IT LOUD AND CLEAR.

LET'S TRY THIS OUT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

THAT'S A GREAT NAME.

WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY GOAL?

HARRY SOLOMON.

TOMMY, SALLY, HARRY, COME IN HERE!

AAH!

WHAT'S THAT?

DON'T WORRY. WE'VE KILLED IT.

SIT DOWN. WE HAVE TO TALK.

WHAT IS IT?

THERE'S AN IMPORTANT DETAIL WE FORGOT.

WE NEED BIRTHDAYS.

NO, THANKS. THIS GUY AT A RESTAURANT HAD A BIRTHDAY.

THEY SET HIS FOOD ON FIRE AND BLEW ON IT.

NEVERTHELESS, WE NEED THEM.

WE HAVE TO KNOW HOW OLD WE ARE.

WE'RE EXPECTED TO ACT OUR AGE,

AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

HOW DO WE FIND OUT?

WE'RE SMART. WE'LL GUESS.

HOW OLD AM I?

I'M GONNA SAY...

35.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

IT KIND OF SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.

O.K. 39.

KEEP GOING. COME ON.

40?

41, 2, 3, 4...

UH...5!

5! 5! 45! O.K.

45's FINE.

BODY'S BROKEN IN. STILL SOLID.

NOT TOO OLD TO HAVE SEX.

UH, COMMANDER, PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY.

PERMISSION GRANTED.

HUMANS OVER 35 CANNOT HAVE SEX.

NO!

GIVE IT UP. IT'S OVER.

WHY? THEY HAVE THE SAME EQUIPMENT.

'CAUSE IT'S GROSS. THAT'S WHY.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

14.

CAN YOU HAVE SEX?

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO. WHY NOT?

APPARENTLY, I HAVE MY WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME.

DICK, CAN I BE 70?

WHY?

WELL, THAT PAUL NEWMAN GUY IS 70.

PEOPLE SAY HE LOOKS GREAT.

DONE. YOU'RE 70.

AND?

YOU LOOK GREAT.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

SALLY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

WELL, WHATEVER THE PERFECT AGE IS,

I'M IT.

MAYBE I GOT STUCK WITH BEING A WOMAN,

BUT AT LEAST I'M IN MY PRIME.

CHECK OUT HOW FIRM THIS IS.

IF I WAS A GUY, I'D BE ALL OVER ME RIGHT NOW.

IF I WAS A GUY, I WOULD BE, TOO.

NOW THAT YOU BOYS ARE GOING THROUGH THE ROAD TO MANHOOD,

I'M SURE MANY OF YOU HAVE NOTICED CERTAIN FEELINGS.

WHAT IS IT, SOLOMON?

WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS?

YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS.

UH, NO, I DON'T.

YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU GET THEM.

THEY'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T ACT ON THEM.

UH, SORRY. YOU'RE LOSING ME.

YOU PLAY SPORTS, FOCUS ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK,

AND WHEN YOU SHOWER,

WASH YOUR HAIR, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

OH! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SEX!

YES.

GREAT! GREAT!

TELL ME EXACTLY HOW IT'S DONE.

WELL...

YOUR, UH...MEN...

AND YOUR MALE AND YOUR FEMALE...

THEY HAVE THESE CERTAIN PARTS

THAT ARE, UH...

HOW DO YOU CALL, UH...

COMPLEMENTARY TO EACH OTHER.

THESE PARTS COME INTO PLAY...

AND THAT'S HOW WE ALL WERE BORN.

I'M SORRY, BUT CAN WE GET SOMEBODY WHO'S ACTUALLY HAD SEX

TO TEACH THIS CLASS?

HEY!

THANKS FOR SHOWING ME AROUND THE CAMPUS TODAY.

YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN.

I KNOW.

LAURIE, I WAS HAVING A DISCUSSION

WITH A YOUNG MAN LAST NIGHT.

HE SAID THAT SOMEONE MY AGE

WAS TOO OLD TO--

UH...

JUST TOO OLD.

THAT'S SO TYPICAL OF OUR CULTURE.

YOU KNOW, IN MANY ANCIENT SOCIETIES,

LIKE THE INCAS,

AGE WAS WORSHIPPED AND REVERED.

THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR.

HA HA HA!

EXACTLY WHEN DOES PUBERTY END FOR A MAN?

SIX MONTHS AFTER DEATH.

GUYS MY AGE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING,

NOT LIKE OLDER MEN.

THEY'VE BEEN THERE.

THEY'VE DONE IT.

IT SHOWS.

UH, LIKE YOU.

YOU'VE REALLY GOT YOUR HEAD TOGETHER.

ACTUALLY, IT CAME THAT WAY.

HA HA HA!

WELL, I'D BETTER GET MOVING.

YOU ARE MOVING.

EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET IS MOVING.

YOU ARE SO CLEVER.

OH.

WELL, BYE, DR. ALBRIGHT.

BYE.

SEE YA.

BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL LOOKING.

YOU CAN BREATHE NOW.

HEY, IF YOU CAN CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT ME,

WHAT WOULD IT BE?

NOTHING.

BINGO.

DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS, HUH?

CHECK THIS OUT. SEE HOW THIS CURVES IN?

WATCH THIS.

UPSY-DAISY.

SPRINGS BACK JUST LIKE A CAT.

LAURIE SAYS THAT MEN MY AGE

SHOULD BE WORSHIPPED AND REVERED LIKE THE INCAS.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S RIGHT?

OH, YES.

THE INCAS WOULD TAKE A PROMINENT MAN--

LIKE YOU--

AND THEY WOULD ANOINT HIM WITH OILS,

ADORN HIM WITH ROBES,

AND THEN THE HIGH PRIEST WOULD CUT HIM UP

AND THEN RAM A STICK IN HIS HEAD

AND PARADE THE HEAD THROUGH THE VILLAGE,

AND THE YOUNG VIRGINS WOULD THROW FLOWERS AT HIM.

WHAT KIND OF FLOWERS?

IT SAYS HERE THIS IS GUARANTEED TO RESTORE YOUR NATURAL LUSTER.

OH, DICK, YOU'RE GETTING YOUR LUSTER BACK.

THAT'S WONDERFUL! HOW MUCH LONGER?

OH, UH... TWO MINUTES.

WELCOME BACK TO THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT.

AND NOW WE CONTINUE WITH OUR PARADE OF NATIONS.

MISS FINLAND.

WELL, THEY ONLY HAVE CONTESTANTS FROM EARTH.

I THINK THIS PAGEANT IS FIXED.

THESE WOMEN SHOULD BE ENORMOUS.

MISS UNIVERSE SHOULD HAVE HER OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL.

I THINK I'M FEELING IT.

MY PRIMARY GOAL IS TO MEET MISS FINLAND.

I WI MEET MISS FINLAND.

I DESER TO MEET MISS FINLAND.

WHOA! CHECK OUT THE YAHBOS ON MISS TUNISIA.

I DESERVE THOSE YAHBOS.

THOSE WOMEN,

THEY'RE ALL VIBRANT, HEALTHY, STRONG, YOUNG.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE SALLY.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.

EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE TV OR OPEN A MAGAZINE,

I SEE PEOPLE LIKE ME.

ALL THE ADS ARE AIMED AT ME.

I AM WHAT COUNTS.

I THINK YOU'RE FULL OF SOMETHING, LIEUTENANT.

IF I DON'T WATCH A TV SHOW, IT'S CANCELED.

I DON'T LIKE A SOFT DRINK? HISTORY.

IF I DON'T LIKE A CERTAIN FEMININE PRODUCT WITH WINGS,

THEY'LL MAKE ONE WITH A PROPELLER.

I AM THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.

FACE IT, DICK.

I'M YOUNG, HOT, AND ALL-POWERFUL.

YOU JUST SAID YES TO YOU.

[DING]

I'M DONE.

HOW DO I LOOK?

UM...DICK?

O.K., IF SOMEBODY WERE HELPING YOU WITH AN EXPERIMENT

AND THINGS WENT AWRY,

AND YOU BECAME HORRIBLY DISFIGURED,

WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST THEM?

WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING.

DESTROY ALL THE MIRRORS NOW!

NO! NO!

I'VE GOT TO SEE!

OH, MY GOD!

I'M GORGEOUS!

GOOD MORNING, NINA.

WELL!

GOOD MORNING.

I WAS GOING TO ASK WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND,

BUT I THINK IT'S PAINFULLY CLEAR.

BY THE WAY...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

MMM.

BRACE YOURSELF.

HELLO--OH, MY GOD!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

NOTHING.

LAURIE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT.

REALLY? WHAT DID SHE SAY?

[SQUEAK]

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT?

[SQUEAK]

THAT SQUEAKING.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

[SQUEAKING]

WHAT DID LAURIE SAY WHEN YOU TALKED TO HER?

[STIFLED LAUGHTER]

SHE'S DECIDED TO COME HERE NEXT YEAR.

OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?

YES.

UM...

COULD YOU WALK OVER THERE AND GET ME THAT PENCIL?

BUT YOU HAVE ONE RIGHT ON YOUR DESK.

I KNOW, BUT...

I NEED THAT ONE.

O.K.

[SQUEAKING]

THANK YOU.

OH!

I GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY CARD.

HMM.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS."

OH...

"OLD AND WRINKLED."

WHAT KIND OF A CRUEL HOAX IS THIS?

IT'S A HALLMARK CARD.

A HALLMARK OF DEGRADATION!

THE FIRST LINE LULLED ME INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY.

THE SECOND LINE RIPPED OUT MY HEART AND SLAPPED ME WITH IT,

AWAKENING ME TO HARSH REALITY!

IT'S AN OLD JOKE!

FOR AN OLD FOOL!

WELL, I WANT NO PART OF IT.

I'M LEAVING...

WHILE I STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY.

[SQUEAKING]

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR PATH TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.

SAY YES TO YOU.

YES.

AND NEVER FORGET--

WHEN THE WORLD GETS YOU DOWN,

STAY POSITIVE.

I'M ALMOST COMPLETELY SURE THAT I WILL.

DAMN!

A WRINKLE!

I'VE PEAKED!

TRUTH IS, TIME MEASURED IN YEARS

WOULD HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE

IF THE SECOND-RATE SUN HADN'T PULLED THIS PLANET

INTO THE SUCK-PARTY WE CALL GRAVITY,

'CAUSING EVERYTHING ON IT TO WITHER AND DIE.

THOUGHTS ON THAT?

BUG?

DOESN'T LOOK DYED TO ME.

LET ME SIMPLIFY. IF A YEAR IS NOT A YEAR ANYWHERE BUT EARTH,

WHAT DOES THAT MAKE TIME IN THE UNIVERSE?

LEON, TIME IS WHAT?

DON'T THINK, LEON, JUST ANSWER.

TIME IS WHAT? TAKE A SHOT. GO!

TIME IS RELATIVE?

MY GOD, LEON! YOU'RE RIGHT!

MY HEAD HURTS.

LEON, I HAVE A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION.

OHH...

[BELL RINGS]

SORRY. TIME IS UP.

AND BY THE WAY,

YOU'RE ALL 55 MINUTES OLDER.

DR. SOLOMON.

LAURIE!

I COULDN'T LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE.

AND I COULDN'T SAY GOODBYE WITHOUT YOUR LEAVING.

OH, YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR.

FINALLY! SOMEONE NOTICED.

LAURIE, CAR'S OUTSIDE.

OH, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

WHO'S THAT?

THAT'S DOUG. HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.

I THOUGHT YOU ONLY LIKED OLDER MEN.

I DO. HE'S 29.

BYE.

DR. SOLOMON.

THERE YOU ARE.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET IN YOUR OFFICE.

FORGIVE ME. MY TIRED BRAIN FORGOT,

WHILE YOUR YOUTHFUL SYNAPSES STORED THE INFORMATION

AND RETRIEVED THEM LIKE A FLASH.

O.K.

I'LL COME BACK.

LEON, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

LET'S SAY THAT TWO PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT AGES

MET AT A UNIVERSITY.

ONE IS OLDER BUT DASHING.

THE OTHER, YOUTHFUL AND STIMULATING.

THEY OBVIOUSLY ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY,

BUT THE AGE DIFFERENCE KEEPS ASSERTING ITSELF.

DO YOU THINK THAT THAT SHOULD MAKE

A RELATIONSHIP IMPOSSIBLE?

DR. SOLOMON, ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME?

NEVER MIND!

OH, DICK.

YOUR POSTURE TELLS ME YOU'VE GOT THE BLUES.

LET MY POSITIVE ENERGY SPARK YOU OUT OF YOUR DOLDRUMS

AND INTO A HAPPIER--

OH, GO AWAY.

I WILL, AND THANKS FOR LISTENING.

HELLO.

HOW YOU FEELING?

LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS.

I THOUGHT I'D TRY THIS AGAIN.

UH, HERE.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

FROM DR. ALBRIGHT."

YOU WROTE THIS YOURSELF.

YES.

THANK YOU. IT'S JUST LOVELY.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

DR. ALBRIGHT...

HAVE I BEEN A PERFECT ASS?

NOBODY'S PERFECT.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THIS AGE?

YOU'RE FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON THE CONTAINER.

THIS BODY IS NOT YOU.

I KNOW THAT. NO, YOU DON'T.

TRUST ME, I DO. YOU DON'T.

IF YOU THINK--

SHUT UP!

YOU'RE ONLY ON THIS EARTH A SHORT TIME.

WELL, THAT WAS THE PLAN.

LISTEN, IF WE'RE OVER THE HILL,

WE MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY THE RIDE DOWN.

THANK YOU FOR SAYING "WE."

AH HA.

IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.

THE LIGHT OF THE MOON IS SO MAGICAL.

IT SHOWS ME WHAT YOU MUST'VE LOOKED LIKE

SO MANY YEARS AGO.

THAT WAS...

ALMOST BEAUTIFUL.

SO, THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE SPOT.

IT'S SO...

CHEAP.

I THINK GRAY HAIR MAKES YOU LOOK DISTINGUISHED.

THANK YOU. YOU WOULD LOOK DISTINGUISHED WITH GRAY HAIR.

I DON'T THINK SO.

MEN LOOK DISTINGUISHED WITH GRAY HAIR.

WOMEN JUST LOOK OLD.

WHEN WOMEN GET BREASTS, THEY LOOK SEXY.

WHEN MEN GET BREASTS, THEY LOOK OLD.

GOOD POINT.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?