Original subtitles

(RADIO) ALL RIGHT. WE'RE STILL TAKING CALLS ON THOSE UFO SIGHTINGS.

I'M ON THE LINE WITH JENNIFER,

WHO CLAIMS TO HAVE ACTUALLY MET ALIENS.

GARY, I HAVE BEEN SUCKED UP BY ALIEN SPACECRAFT MANY TIMES.

I TELL YOU, THEY ARE AMONG US.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY WANT?

WELL, THEY WANT MY EGGS

TO START THEIR OWN ALIEN RACE.

WHOA. THANKS FOR CALLING.

HELLO. YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

I SAW FOUR ALIENS IN A CAR.

I THINK IT WAS A RAMBLER.

OH, STYLISH.

EVERYONE FULLY FORMED?

UH-HUH. YEAH.

EVERYONE GOT 10 FINGERS AND 11 TOES?

CHECK. CHECK.

GOOD. I GUESS WE'RE IN.

EVERYONE COMFORTABLE?

I HAVE 3 HOLES IN MY FACE

CAN ANYONE GET YOUR HEAD TO SWIVEL TO THE REAR?

NO. NO. NO.

THEN HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO LICK YOUR BACK?

MAYBE YOU DO WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

LOOK. LIFE FORMS.

AND THEY'RE CLEANING EACH OTHER.

AWWW.

LOOK AT US. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOOK LIKE THEM.

YEAH.

IS ANYBODY ELSE SWEATING UNDER THEIR BREASTS.

NO. IN FACT, I DON'T HAVE ANY.

I HAVE TINY ONES.

[HORN HONKS]

QUICK, LOOK.

THAT WOMAN IS GOING TO DRIVE WITH HER FEET.

DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE A HOME?

UH, NO, WE DON'T, BUT THANK YOU FOR THE IDEA.

SEE?

SHE CALLED US PEOPLE.

[LOUIE, LOUIE PLAYS ON RADIO]

LISTEN...

IT'S THAT SIGNAL THEY KEEP SENDING INTO SPACE.

* OH, NO, SAID WE GOTTA GO *

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *

* SAID A LOUIE LOUIE, OH

OUR HOME FOR THIS MISSION IS EARTH,

A THIRD-RATE PLANET.

I GOT A TEACHING JOB AT A THIRD-RATE UNIVERSITY.

NOW WE'RE LOOKING AT A THIRD-FLOOR APARTMENT.

COME IN. COME ON IN.

IT'S THE ATTIC, SO IT'S KIND OF SMALL,

BUT IT'S FURNISHED.

WE LOVE IT.

IT'S SO MUCH BIGGER THAN A CAR.

YEP. WE'LL TAKE IT.

THIS USED TO BE THE RUMPUS ROOM BACK IN THE SIXTIES.

THIS CARPET HAS SEEN MORE BUTTS THAN SANTA CLAUS' LAP.

OOH.

WHAT IS THIS STUFF?

THIS SWEATER? ITS ANGORA.

WELL, IT'S WONDERFUL.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.

I LIKE THE COLOR.

WELL, IT'S VERY NICE.

YOU'RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE, ARE YOU?

WELL, MRS. DUBCEK,

I COULD CHEW YOUR FAT ALL DAY,

BUT TIME HAS NO MANNERS. BYE NOW.

SALLY...

I WANT YOU TO OBSERVE HER.

LEARN WHAT WOMEN ON THIS PLANET DO.

WHY CAN'T HARRY DO IT?

YOU'RE THE WOMAN.

WHY AM I THE WOMAN?

BECAUSE YOU LOST.

DICK...

I CAN'T SEE THROUGH MY EYELIDS.

OPEN THEM.

OH, THEY'RE MANUAL.

OH, GOOD. YOU'RE HERE.

DID YOU COPY THE MAINFRAME IN THE LIBRARY?

UM, I GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED.

AGAIN? WHAT HAPPENED?

I WAS WATCHING THESE WOMEN PLAY VOLLEYBALL

AND THEY WERE ALL JUMPING...

UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN IN THESE LITTLE SHORTS.

SOME CAN'T JUMP VERY HIGH,

BUT IT'S O.K. I MEAN, IT'S MORE THAN O.K.

IT'S REALLY O.K.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

WE CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT THAT INFORMATION,

SO ACCESS THE MAINFRAME, ENTER THE NET,

DOWNLOAD, AND GO STRAIGHT HOME.

DON'T TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD.

YOU | A CHILD.

I'M OLDER THAN YOU.

WELL, NOW I'M BIGGER,

AND ON THIS PLANET, SIZE MATTERS.

GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.

HI, NINA.

HERE'S YOUR MAIL. THIS IS NOTHING.

NOTHING.

THIS IS SOMETHING BUT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

HERE'S AN INVITATION TO THE DEAN'S PARTY.

THIS IS NOTHING.

AND IF YOU DON'T STOP STARING AT WHATEVER YOU'RE WATCHING,

YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE SOMETHING.

TOMMY'S JUST ON HIS WAY TO THE LIBRARY...

AREN'T YOU, TOMMY?

UH, YEAH. I AM NOW.

I HAVE TO GO LOOK UP THE WORD "THROB."

HE'S OLDER THAN HE LOOKS.

WELL, I HAVE TO FILE SOME THINGS FOR YOU.

[SNIFFING] WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S YOU.

YOU SMELL SO NICE.

THANKS. I TRY.

THAT HAD BETTER BE YOUR NOSE.

IS YOUR WIFE OUT OF TOWN?

MRS. SOLOMON IS NO LONGER WITH US.

SHE, UH, BURNED UP ON REENTRY.

I HAD A BOYFRIEND WHO USED TO BURN UP ON REENTRY.

HE WALKS WITH A LIMP NOW.

GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, NINA.

GOOD MORNING.

NINA, WOULD YOU TELL DR. SOLOMON

HE PARKED IN MY SPACE AGAIN?

YOU PARKED IN HER SPACE.

IT WAS EMPTY.

TELL HIM I'LL HAVE HIM TOWED.

TELL HER I ALREADY HAVE ALL THE TOES I NEED.

THAT'S MY PARKING SPACE.

OH, SO YOU HAVE A CAR?

UH, NINA.

GO TO THE CHEM LAB, GET A PIPE BOMB,

PUT IT IN DR. SOLOMON'S CAR, AND BLOW IT UP.

FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, I HAVE A RED VOLVO.

PLEASE, DR. ALBRIGHT,

WE BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER.

DR. SOLOMON,

WE SHOULD GET ALONG.

I'M VERY INTELLIGENT. YOU HAVE AN IMPRESSIVE RESUME.

I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER.

WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,

I WAS ATTRACTED TO YOUR FLAMBOYANT NATURE AND BIG HEAD.

OH, THANKS, BECAUSE I ALMOST WENT WITH A SMALLER ONE.

EVEN THOUGH I AM DRAWN TO GENIUS,

THIS IS A SMALL OFFICE,

AND YOU ARE BEHAVING LIKE A BIG HOSE-MONKEY.

YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF, WOMAN.

KNOCK IT OFF.

WHAT IS MY THESIS DOING OUT OF MY DESK?

I TOOK IT OUT.

MY DESK WAS LOCKED.

WHICH MADE IT DIFFICULT TO OPEN.

YOU MIGHT MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.

YOU READ IT?

I MEMORIZED IT.

WELL, IT'S JUST A FEW THOUGHTS.

BRILLIANT THOUGHTS.

REALLY?

WELL, THAT'S QUITE A COMPLIMENT,

COMING FROM SOMEONE WITH YOUR CREDENTIALS.

I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.

ENJOYED IT? IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER READ.

YOUR THEORY ON MAN AND THE ANIMAL WITHIN--

IT'S HILARIOUS.

NINA SAID YOU HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

SHE'S SO WRONG.

THE CONCLUSIONS THAT YOU DRAW ARE LAUGH-OUT-LOUD FUNNY.

I SEE.

DR. SOLOMON, YOU HAVE CROSSED A LINE.

YOU HAVE BELITTLED MY WORK.

AND YOU HURT MY FEELINGS.

I DON'T LIKE YOU.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

OF COURSE NOT. YOU'RE A MAN.

HA! THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG!

O.K., SO MEAT LOAF IS BREAD CRUMBS, SPICES, AND GROUND BEEF?

THAT'S IT.

GROUND BEEF IS ESSENTIALLY NOTHING MORE THAN A COW?

YEAH.

WELL, DOESN'T IT SCREAM

WHEN THEY STUFF IT IN THE GRINDER?

OH, NO. THAT SUCKER'S BEEN DEAD FOR HOURS.

I HAVE DEAD COW ON MY HANDS?

AAH!

AAH!

WOMEN.

YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM,

AND YET, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

SO "P" ITSELF IS ALWAYS EVEN.

WE CAN WRITE "P" EQUALS TWO "S",

WHERE "S" IS SOME OTHER INTEGER.

SUBSTITUTING "P", WE FIND "P" TO THE SECOND POWER

EQUALS TWO "S" TO THE SECOND POWER

EQUALS FOUR "S" TO THE SECOND POWER

EQUALS TWO "Q" TO THE SECOND POWER,

AND WE FIND-- WHO CAN TELL ME?

ANYONE?

O.K.

I'M GETTING AHEAD OF EVERYONE.

LET'S SIMPLIFY.

HOW FAR AWAY IS CLEVELAND?

52 MILES.

SOMEONE GIVE ME ANOTHER ANSWER.

AN HOUR AWAY.

CLEVELAND IS AN HOUR AWAY.

GIVE ME ANOTHER ANSWER.

A $9.00 BUS TICKET.

CLEVELAND IS $9.00 AWAY.

A FELONY CHARGE. THE COURTHOUSE IS THERE.

YES. CLEVELAND IS A FELONIOUS ASSAULT AWAY.

SOMEONE ELSE. YES, LEON.

WELL, COME ON, LEON, SPEAK UP.

NEVER MIND. I HAD THIS IDEA, BUT IT'S WRONG.

OH, LEON, OF COURSE IT'S WRONG.

THE ODDS AGAINST YOUR BEING RIGHT ARE STAGGERING.

YOU HAVE A GREAT ADVANTAGE. YOU KNOW THE OUTCOME.

YOU WILL BE WRONG. DON'T FEAR IT. EMBRACE YOUR WRONGNESS.

LEON, HOW FAR AWAY IS CLEVELAND?

CLEVELAND IS AN ETERNITY AWAY

IF YOUR HEART IS THERE.

LEON, THAT IS SO PROVOCATIVE.

WHERE CLEVELAND EQUALS "P"

AND ETERNITY EQUALS "Q",

TRANSPOSING THE LOGARITHM OF THE HEART,

WHERE THE HEART IS AN UNKNOWN,

WE FIND THAT WE ARE FOREVER IN CLEVELAND.

NO. I'M SORRY, LEON. YOU'RE WRONG.

YES, CARYN.

DR. SOLOMON, I THINK LEON MEANT

THAT CLEVELAND CAN FEEL LIKE AN ETERNITY AWAY.

OH, IT'S A FEELING .

YES. I KNOW ALL ABOUT FEELINGS.

EVERYTHING'S JUST GOING FINE, AND SOMEBODY HAS A FEELING.

AND KABOOM!

SUDDENLY, THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.

WE CAN ALL DO WITHOUT FEELINGS. WHO'S WITH ME?

YOUR GRADE DEPENDS ON IT.

DR. SOLOMON, I HOPE THIS DOESN'T AFFECT MY GRADE,

BUT I HAVE A THOUGHT.

YES?

YOU HAVE TO HAVE FEELINGS.

THEY'RE THE CORE OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

THE CORE OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE?

OF COURSE. I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

[BELL RINGS]

I WANT YOU TO WRITE A PAPER FOR ME ABOUT FEELINGS.

TELL ME HOW IT FEELS TO USE ONLY 10% OF YOUR BRAIN.

OOH, EVERYONE WAS AWAKE.

NINA, WHERE IS DR. ALBRIGHT?

I HAVE TO TALK TO HER.

SHE'S GONE FOR THE DAY.

SHE'LL BE AT THE DEAN'S FACULTY PARTY TONIGHT.

RIGHT, DEAN SUMNER'S PARTY, TELL HIM I'LL BE THERE.

OOH, I'LL DROP EVERYTHING

AND DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

HOW WILL I GET THERE?

I CAN PICK YOU UP.

THAT WON'T HURT YOUR BACK?

I'LL BE IN A CAR.

COME BY AND BLOW THE HORN.

I LOVE HEARING PEOPLE HONK.

WHAT, ARE YOU FROM MARS?

MARS?

OH, NO.

HI.

HI.

YOU'RE ON THE VOLLYBALL TEAM AREN'T YOU?

YEAH, I AM.

I WATCHED YOU JUMP UP AND DOWN THIS AFTERNOON.

YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.

THANKS. WE WON.

OH, IT'S A GAME.

UM, ANYWAY--

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

OH, COME ON, MAN!

MAY I REMIND YOU WE ARE NOT TO ALTER THE LIVES

OF THE INHABITANTS OF THIS PLANET?

YEAH, BUT SOME OF THEM ARE JUST ASKING FOR IT.

PULL IT TOGETHER. I'M EXTENDING OUR MISSION FOR ONE MORE NIGHT.

WHY?

I HAVE FACULTY OBLIGATIONS.

DICK, DON'T DO THIS TO ME.

I--I NEVER SLEEP. I'M EXHAUSTED.

BESIDES, YOU DON'T HAVE THE AUTHORITY

TO ALTER THE SCHEDULE.

I'M IN COMMAND.

YEAH, WELL, I'M IN PUBERTY, PAL.

IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD.

I COULD POP AT ANY MINUTE.

AREN'T YOU EXAGGERATING A LITTLE?

HERE. GIVE ME YOUR MIND FOR JUST A SECOND.

COME ON. GIVE ME YOUR MIND.

OH! THAT'S DISGUSTING!

YOU THINK LIKE THAT?

ALL THE TIME.

WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

DICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UNPACKING. I CHANGED MY MIND.

WE'RE STAYING A LITTLE LONGER.

I'M A DEAD MAN.

NO, NO, NO. WAIT! WHOA!

THAT'S MINE. BE CAREFUL.

IT'S, UH, VERY VALUABLE.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE AN URGE TO HOLD THAT

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT'S FOR.

MAY I?

PLEASE.

I FIND THIS VERY SATISFYING.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

I WONDER WHAT DR. ALBRIGHT IS DOING RIGHT NOW.

COME ON. LET'S BREAK IT UP HERE, SHALL WE?

I'LL BE GLAD TO GET OUT OF THIS BODY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M UNPACKING.

THE COMMANDER WANTS TO STAY LONGER.

WHAT FOR?

BECAUSE WE CAN'T LEAVE YET.

DID YOU KNOW THAT OUR BODIES CAN PRODUCE FEELINGS?

I GOT A LOT OF THEM FROM DR. ALBRIGHT THIS AFTERNOON.

REALLY?

YES, AND I'M GOING TO A PARTY

TO GET A LITTLE TONIGHT.

OH, DICK, NO!

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S A CRIME AGAINST SCIENCE

NOT TO EXPERIMENT WITH OURSELVES.

COULDN'T WE CONDUCT THESE EXPERIMENTS IN OUR OWN HOME?

WHAT CAN SHE DO THAT I CAN'T?

LIEUTENANT... PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY.

PERMISSION GRANTED.

SIR...WOULD YOU JUMP UP AND DOWN FOR US?

OH, YEAH, AND PUT YOUR HANDS

BACK BEHIND YOUR HEAD, LIKE THIS.

I WILL NOT.

PLEASE, FOR SCIENCE, TRULY.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO HELP,

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW COMFORTABLE WE WOULD FEEL

WORKING TOGETHER AFTER THAT.

IT'LL BE FINE!

IN YOUR DREAMS!

EVERY NIGHT.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

O.K. FINE. YOU LEAVE ME NO OTHER CHOICE.

NOW WE HAVE TO EXPERIMENT AT A PARTY.

DICK, LISTEN TO ME WOMEN ARE TROUBLE.

I SHOULD KNOW. I'VE BEEN ONE FOR TWO WEEKS.

I KNOW, WHICH BRINGS UP ANOTHER POINT.

I COMMAND YOU TO SHAVE UNDER YOUR ARMS.

DOABLE.

I'M SORRY YOU FIND ME SO OFFENSIVE.

DAMN IT! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN.

WE'RE GOING OUT.

O.K.

O.K. GIVE ME AN HOUR.

AN HOUR?

YEAH. I GOT TO ROTATE THESE.

IT'S A PARTY.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DR. SOLOMON, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

GOOD EVENING, MRS. SUMNER.

WON'T YOU COME IN?

IF YOU'LL BACK UP.

PLEASE, UH, FORGIVE SALLY.

SHE'S NOT FROM OHIO.

OOH, I LOVE WHERE YOU'VE PUT THESE WALLS.

MAY I TAKE YOUR COAT?

IF I CAN KEEP MY PANTS.

HARRY, I WANT YOU TO KEEP AN EYE

ON THIS ALBRIGHT EXPERIMENT.

YEAH, SURE. WHAT ARE THESE?

CRUSTACEANS.

DICK IS ENDANGERING THIS ENTIRE MISSION.

MM-HMM, RIGHT. AND THESE?

UH, UNBORN FOWL.

I'M BEGINNING TO QUESTION

HIS ABILITY TO COMMAND.

YEAH, TOO BAD, AND THESE ARE...

COCKTAIL WEENIES!

COCKTAIL WEENIES. I'VE SEEN THESE BEFORE.

THEY SHOULD BE BIGGER.

NINA, RIGHT?

OH, HI, SALLY.

NICE DRESS.

THANKS. IT'S JUST SOMETHING I THREW ON.

YEAH, WELL, YOU ALMOST MISSED.

OH, HELLO! HERE I AM.

YES, THERE YOU ARE.

DR. ALBRIGHT, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT US ALL DAY.

I HAVEN'T.

I WANT TO TRY AGAIN.

I--I--I WANT VERY MUCH...TO FEEL.

AND I WANT EVEN MORE TO BE FELT.

AND I MEAN THAT FROM THE HEART OF MY BOTTOM.

WELL...

YOURS UP.

NO, I--I DIDN'T MEAN THAT, DR. ALBRIGHT.

I MEAN...

I-I'M NEW AT THIS.

YOU SEE, I--I...

I'VE BEEN GETTING A FEELING,

AND I'M TRYING TO IDENTIFY IT.

RUB IT. MAYBE IT'LL GO AWAY.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT FEEL BETTER.

WELL YOU CAN START BY SAYING "I'M SORRY."

O.K. I'M SORRY.

AS IF YOU MEANT IT.

OH. OF COURSE.

DR. ALBRIGHT...

I'M VERY SORRY.

THANK YOU.

OH, THAT FELT GREAT!

LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

DR. ALBRIGHT...

I'M VERY SORRY.

OOH!

OOH!

GET AWAY FROM ME!

WHAT DID I NOT DO RIGHT?

GO AWAY!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THEY SEEM TO HAVE GREATER POWER WHEN THEY COLLIDE.

I'M NOT WRONG, AM I?

SALLY, WILL YOU EXCUSE US FOR A MOMENT?

[SIGHS]

COME ON, GIRLS. LET'S GO.

YOU'RE COMING ON TO ME.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S IN MY THESIS.

IT'S BASIC ANIMAL ATTRACTION.

WE ALL HAVE THE ANIMAL WITHIN.

SOME ARE ONE SWING CLOSER TO THE TREE.

I'VE SEEN YOU PREEN AND STRUT AROUND THE OFFICE.

I ADMIT...

I LIKE IT.

ARE YOU...PLANNING TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT

WITH YOUR MOUTH TONIGHT?

BECAUSE YOU'VE PAINTED IT BRIGHT RED.

THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS.

DR. ERDMAN HAD A THING FOR ME.

DR. WALLACH, DR. ZUCKER, DR. THOMAS.

THE GUY FROM CORNELL WHO WAS HERE FOR A WEEK?

OH, THAT WAS INSANE.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAVE A SUDDEN URGE TO CLEAN YOU.

OOH!

OOH!

[SHOWER RUNNING]

OH, DR. ALBRIGHT.

I WAS JUST THINKING OF YOU.

AH. THANKS FOR THE WEENIES.

GOOD NIGHT, DR. SOLOMON.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.

GOOD NIGHT.

[JAMES TAYLOR] * ...SPINNING THROUGH SPACE *

[RADIO] * THE SMILE UPON YOUR FACE *

* WELCOME TO THE HUMAN RACE, YEAH-- *

[TURNS OFF RADIO] WHAT A TERRIFIC EVENING!

I HAD A GREAT TIME! DIDN'T YOU?

WHATEVER.

I JUST THINK THIS IS

THE MOST INCREDIBLE PLACE WE'VE EVER BEEN.

THE PEOPLE ARE SO COMPLEX.

I LOVE THEM.

I JUST THINK THEY'RE WONDERFUL.

YOU PROBED HER, DIDN'T YOU?

I MIGHT HAVE SCANNED HER A LITTLE.

I THINK WE'VE UNDERESTIMATED THE LIFE ON THIS PLANET.

THE PEOPLE HAVE SO MUCH COURAGE.

THEY'RE HURLING THROUGH SPACE ON A MOLTEN ROCK

AT 67,000 MILES AN HOUR,

AND THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS THEM

FROM FLYING OUT OF THEIR SHOES

IS THEIR MISPLACED FAITH IN GRAVITY.

I'M SO GLAD WE'RE STAYING.

I WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT ELSE THEY KNOW--

WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY,

HOW THEY RAISE THEIR YOUNG,

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY DIE,

WHY THEY CALL THEMSELVES THE HUMAN RACE.

DO THEY THINK SOMEONE'S GOING TO WIN?

OOH, LOOK. SHOOTING STAR.

AHH.

I THINK THIS IS GOING TO BE OUR GREATEST MISSION.

YEAH, HE PROBED HER, ALL RIGHT.

[TURNS ON RADIO]

* ...HAVE A LOVELY RIDE

* OH, YEAH...