Original subtitles

Come on, Richmond!

Good ball, Evellyn.

Whoa! What? Against us?

Referee!

What the fuck is she doing?

Bad call! Bad refereeing! You saw that, right?

It's another toothless display from Richmond, who've fallen

from contenders to mere promotion hopefuls,

with hope dwindling by the minute.

And it nearly got worse! Another great save by Quinn.

What a save, Boots!

Quinn still on the no gloves thing. I almost respect it.

- Almost. - Bring it on, Lady Greyhounds!

Ah. Back in the day,

a woman that hysterical would have been accused of being a witch.

I miss the '80s.

Well done!

Now Richmond do have Gemma Jay on the bench,

- back from injury ahead of schedule. - Right, go on.

I'm ready to go in, Coach.

Ain't no way, Gemma Jay. You ain't cleared to play.

Why haven't they put her on?

All right, I know you're using me as a decoy on the bench,

but what if you use me as a decoy on the pitch?

That's the question, isn't it, Jill?

They're desperate for a goal and she's surely desperate to play.

I can't believe you're benching me after begging me to come back.

I didn't beg.

You're too close to me. Sit down.

Richmond need to get something from this match.

Here comes El Sherif down the wing.

Oh, the cutback.

Whoa!

Could this be the equalizer?

It's Davis!

Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Fuck!

- Keeley. - Oh, whoa, whoa.

You all right?

Ooh.

- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine. You?

Hey, Marcus, go ahead.

A large part of your recent troubles have been

the team's lack of offense since Gemma Jay's injury.

It's been six weeks now. Any update on her return?

Well, look, we ain't exactly sure when she's going to be back with us quite yet.

But I know she's rehabbing the heck out of that knee,

and the only person hoping for a green light more than me and Gemma

is the Great Gatsby himself.

All right, who else?

Lloyd, come on, man. Dazzle me.

Um, there's two games left this season.

Uh, a win this weekend clinches the final promotion spot.

Any other result opens the door to disaster.

Heavens to Murgaloid. Way to set a vibe, baby.

How are the team holding up,

knowing they could drop down into a sea of promotion hopefuls?

Mmm, well, you got that right.

The standings right now are more crowded than a Planet Fitness on January 2nd.

But this team loves each other,

and I'm proud of the way they fight,

unless it's at a pub quiz going wild and they get the po-po involved.

But heck, even then it was a team effort, you know?

All right now, next question.

And how are you feeling now?

I'm fine. I really am. I promise.

Are you taking any medication?

Yeah, I take meds for high blood pressure,

one of the many traits that my mum handed down to me

like being overly competitive at board games,

deep love for Irish butter, and boobs.

She sounds like my kind of woman.

But if you've got high blood pressure,

you should be taking it easy at these games.

Do you think that's why I fainted?

Yeah, probably.

Or could you be pregnant?

No!

I mean, no.

When was your last period?

I just had it, like a couple of weeks ago.

Well, better safe than sorry.

I'm just gonna, yeah, let me have a check on the app.

It'll be right here.

Yeah, okay. Here it is. It was...

two, three, four...

eight fucking weeks ago!

- Howdy, Mae. - Hey, Ted.

- Tough loss today. - Yeah, tell me about it.

Sorry I'm late. Press conference went long.

Uh, where's the kid?

He's babysitting the lads for me.

- No. You're trying to get it in the eye. - But don't worry, I fed him.

Thank you.

And thanks for keeping an eye on him. You've been a real lifesaver.

You mind if I give you a little extra cash?

No, no, Ted.

But you can settle his little pinball tab though.

Sounds good to me. What's the damage?

£6,000.

Come on, now.

- Hey, Dad. - Hey, big guy.

- How was your game? Yeah? - It was great.

We were tied 2-2 at the end of the second half,

and I had a pretty open shot on goal,

but instead of taking it, I passed it upfield to Walter Buns,

- and he kicked it in for the win. - I love it.

That you made the extra pass and that you play with a kid named Wally Buns.

But, hey, I'm sorry I missed another one, big guy.

I know, but you were busy coaching a bunch of girls.

Ooh, I bet they're the ones that are coaching your dad.

Ain't that the truth. Yeah.

Come on, let's hop upstairs, grab your stuff.

Your mom's gonna be here any minute.

- Night, Mae. - Night, darling.

Thanks again, Mae.

My pleasure.

I'm just saying you're lucky you didn't bump your head.

Mm-hmm.

Even though head trauma

can occasionally unlock savant level superpowers,

most of the time, people just end up dead.

Thank God you were sat with Rebecca and her Warrior Princess guns of steel.

Yeah.

Look, I know work has been stressful for you this year.

It's been stressful for me as well.

But I do really think you need to try and relax.

Tell you what.

When both our seasons are over, I could take us on a holiday.

Great.

We can finally go to Marbella.

Not for six weeks, obviously. That was fucking mental.

But at least for four or five.

You have been in there a while, babe. You okay?

Babe?

Be right out.

Well, I hope it wasn't the starters.

You think you're safe with M&S cheese puff pastries,

but you never know with feta.

I said you never know with feta.

Yeah, it's such an unreliable cheese.

Um...

Sorry, I'm fine. Don't worry.

- Wow. - Good.

Here, try this.

You go first.

Okay. You don't trust me.

Any word yet on Roy's contract?

Uh, no, apparently his agent is at a silent retreat

where you're not allowed to use your phone.

I only know this because he texted me from there.

Prick.

Well, you have fun in space, okay?

Yeah, and call me when you splash down.

If they ever do.

Did we have a meeting scheduled for this morning?

Oh, schedules.

I mean, they are just so...

- Necessary. - Helpful.

Draconian.

I mean, who likes to know where and when they need to be all the time?

- Human beings. - We do.

Oh. I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt.

Didn't you?

No. I mean, not for this long anyway. Please do continue.

Where was I? Oh, we finally heard back from Rupert.

- Did we? - Well, his lawyers.

They deny knowing anything about people selling shares,

but since then there's been a pause in the buying.

Oh, because he's plotting his next move.

Rupert may be unreliable and unfaithful, but he is not unpredictable.

Yeah, if men were as clever as they think they are, they'd still be stupid.

Well, as long as the Milk sisters don't sell their stake,

you keep control no matter how many shares he buys.

What's the deal with the Milk sisters?

How come they got so much money? Did they invent milk?

Yes, before them, cows were just in the way.

We actually don't know the deal with them

because I haven't been able to get hold of them.

Which is a bit concerning,

seeing as they've sold their shares before,

- to Rupert, no less. - Mmm.

Which they told me was a complete and utter mistake.

Udder mistake.

So they got a sense of humor, yeah?

- Not at all. - No, they haven't.

- Please. - Let me through.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Coach.

- Hey, Coach. - Y'all have a good Sunday?

- No. - Oh, why? What happened?

Yesterday there was an incident at our family's...

- pig farm. - Pig farm.

All the pigs are really smart, but there is this one that is an...

- idiot, Oo Goobley. - Idiot. Oo Goobley.

- I'm sorry? - That's his name.

He's always awake when all the other pigs are asleep.

- He has insomnia. - He has insomnia.

So when we woke up and we didn't see him, we thought he'd run away.

And he's so dumb. Of course he ran away. So then we go to...

- Neighbor's house. Morag. - Morag.

She used to be our babysitter. She's got purple hair.

Listens to Norwegian death metal.

Because the thing is this pig

- loves music. - Loves music.

So we go to Morag's and we're yelling like,

- "Oo Goobley! Oo Goobley!" - "Oo Goobley! Oo Goobley!"

But he's not there. So then we go back to...

Follow his hoofprints, and they lead us to a well,

- and then we're thinking... - "Oh, no.

- He's in the well." - "He's in the well."

But there's no way he'd be able to fit.

He's our fattest pig.

But he's completely gone. So then we're like...

- "He's been pig-napped!" - "He's been pig-napped!"

So then we go to the market to get some sweets to make ourselves feel better,

- and who do we see? - Oo Goobley eating from a cheese wheel.

- It was Parmesan. His favorite. - His favorite.

So then we come back from the market with a pig

and an entire cheese wheel because we had to buy

- the whole thing. - The whole thing. It was three kilograms.

It cost 150 quid.

Did all that really happen?

- Of course it did. - Yeah.

Unless we had the same dream.

- 'Cause that has happened before. - 'Cause that has happened before.

Mm-hmm.

Well, hey, I'm happy y'all found Oogly Boogly.

- Oo Goobley. First name Oo. - Oo Goobley.

Last name Goobley.

- Right. Yeah. - Thanks, Coach.

- See you in a bit. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

One sec. Just let me fix this.

Take your time.

Okay, go.

Should we start Shannon?

No.

- Good morning. - Morning.

Hey, have you guys noticed the whole

ESP mind meld thing that the twins got cooking?

When they're not beating the shit out of each other?

Yeah.

There was one day Siobhan burned her thumb on a tea kettle,

and the next day Niamh had no fingerprint on the same thumb, completely smooth.

I don't believe that at all, but you know...

This chair is broken. Okay.

But how do we use their witchy ways to turn that there whiteboard

into a Ouija board, uh, football speaking?

We could do a diamond formation.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, I'm still getting used to it. Uh, what is a diamond formation?

You put one twin at the point of a diamond midfield

and the other twin directly behind her.

In theory, they would help us get the ball up the pitch,

meaning more chances in attack.

Because, yeah, when we have Gemma, we get more goals.

So without Gemma, we need more shots on goal.

Okay. Which one of the twins are we gonna put up front then?

Siobhan, she's older by three minutes, she's used to being out front,

meaning Niamh has more to prove,

so she'll put the ball exactly where Siobhan needs it.

I love it. Let's give it a shot.

Now, speaking of nonidentical twins.

Coach, these new?

Oh, these.

I was just in Camden Town yesterday, so I got myself a few piercings

from a deeply agnostic Satanist.

Hmm. Wait. A few piercings?

Yes, I have a door knocker on my butthole.

Hey, guys. What are you up to?

Are you figuring out what to do against Bristol?

- Yes. - Uh-oh.

Look who's coming off the bench 'cause her knee's all better.

- No, it's not. - It's Gemma Jay.

She runs onto the pitch.

The other team are like...

- No. Oh, God. Stop it, stop it. - "Oh, no, she's back! We're doomed!"

Okay, now Richmond, they're ahead,

but Gemma Jay's lagging behind.

"Oh, no, did she come back too soon?"

- Stop it. Don't... - Nah, she's faking it.

She drives ahead.

- She shoots. She scores! - Don't touch the magnets. No.

No, not until Beaumont clears you.

Get out. Don't touch this again.

- It's an option. Okay. - Get out.

So thirsty.

Honestly, this shareholder stuff is driving me up the wall,

which is why I'm declaring this lunch a let-the-wine-flow zone.

- Mmm. - Hello, ladies.

- Hello again. - Nice to see you.

- Yes. - Would you care for something to drink?

Yes, we would. Two glasses of Sancerre, please.

I'll just stick with water actually.

- Thanks. - Oh.

They were both for me anyway.

I'm joking.

And would you like yellowtail jalapeño to start as usual?

Oh. Perfect.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm-I'm not doing raw fish at the moment, so...

Do you know what, just, uh, give us a moment on the food.

We'll just have the water and the wine. Thank you.

- Thanks. - Both wines. Please.

- Sounds good. - Thanks.

Are you... You're not?

- Are you? - I am.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Have you been trying?

My pills started making me break out, so I've been a bit lax about taking it.

So instead of acne, I guess you're having a baby.

Yeah.

- Whoa. - Whoa.

I mean, this is not how I thought it was gonna happen.

- No. - And I've thought about

having a baby with Roy. Of course. Someday, you know?

But we just got back together like two seconds ago.

But I also am in the groove with work, finally.

And the team is all going so well, the girls are just kicking...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you happy?

Yeah.

I'm really happy.

Well, in that case...

- I'm so sorry. It's just... - Sorry.

Come here.

Oh, my gosh.

I've just thrown all this baby stuff at you and it's really insensitive.

- I'm so sorry. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, not at all.

Everything with Matthijs is wonderful, and Jelka is such a love.

My best friend just told me she's having a baby and I've got two wines on the go.

- It's all good. - Good.

Oh, have you told Roy?

Who?

No.

I wanted you to be the first person to know.

Well, that's an honor.

Cheers.

- Oh, that's bad luck. Here. - Oh, is it?

Yeah.

Here.

We're having a baby.

We're having a baby.

I love you.

I love you.

- Oh, fuck. - Fucking shit, fuck.

- Fuck me! - Ow!

Ow. Ow, ow, ow. So... Fuck.

All right, let's see how this new formation works.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, nice touch.

Who the heck was that to?

- Whoa. - Where did she come from?

Ireland.

Yeah.

Top of the morning to all of us.

Nice play, Neom and Cinnabon!

Yep.

- Oh, my... - Oh, for fuck sake!

You are so frustrating, Shannon,

because you could be so brilliant but you're just thinking too much.

And look, I get it. I'm the same.

I'm actually a brilliant dancer.

I'm just shit at choreography.

It is absolutely true.

Listen, you're-you're too in here.

You just gotta bring it down here.

Yeah?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right.

Hey, come, come, come.

- Hey. - Hi.

How are you doing?

Oh, nothing, I'm just googling high blood pressure.

Because I've got it, so I thought I would google it.

No, I said, "How are you doing?"

Oh. Sorry. Yeah.

- I'm good, thank you. - Good.

I do think that maybe I should stay home this weekend, take it easy.

Not go to the Bristol City game.

It's better to play it safe than sorry, right?

Yeah,

but aren't you worried the team won't do as well without all your screaming?

- Screaming? - Oh, cheering, cheering.

That's better.

- Do you want dinner later? - Yes, please.

Okay.

Great.

- I'll text you when I'm leaving, yeah? - Yeah.

And uh, after we eat, I'm gonna make you cheer all night.

Toodles.

- Hey, Siri... - Mm-hmm?

Will I be a good mum?

I can't predict the future, Keeley.

However, my data shows that people who ask that question

tend to be good at parenting.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So are you guys gonna beat Bristol City or what?

Because they embarrassed you the last time,

- 6-nil. - Whoa, it was actually 5-nil.

Do you think correcting me makes it any less embarrassing?

- No, ma'am. - We're gonna give it a shot, Mae.

- You're gonna be there though, yeah? - I can't do it.

Two and a half hours is a long drive for someone with my, uh, level of seasoning.

Oh, I hear you. Hey, you know what you could do?

You could roll with us on the team bus.

I wouldn't want to be a bother.

You love to be a bother.

- I do. - Yeah, okay. It's been decided.

We're gonna roll out the red and blue carpet,

give you a little peek behind the curtain, show you how the sausage is made.

Like the time I took you in the back room

and showed you how the sausage was actually made.

I don't have many regrets in life, but that is definitely one of them.

- Ah, I'd love to. Thank you, Ted. - Yeah?

- You got it. - But if you guys lose...

Yeah. No, I hear you.

Yes!

I just heard from Caroline,

- who just spoke to Dr. Beaumont. - And?

- Gemma's been cleared to play. - Hey!

All right, there we go.

Uh, does Gemma know yet?

She knows.

Mm-hmm.

It seems like she knows.

- Hi. Morning. - Hiya.

- Morning, Kenneth. - Hi.

Can't wait to listen to those Pink Floyd bootlegs you got me.

All I got to do now is track down a reel-to-reel player.

Or you could sleep with them under your pillow.

Always does the trick for me.

Yeah, no, I'll give that a try first. Thanks.

All right, y'all. Hey, let's listen up.

We got a special guest riding over to Bristol with us today.

Please give it up for the one, the only, Mae Green.

- Come on! - Go on, Mae!

- Excited to be tagging along. - Yeah.

Hey, let's make sure we show Mae a nice and respectful time, all right?

By all of us being on our best behavior. Yeah?

No, come on, Ted.

Not since I saw Shirley Bassey at the London Palladium

in '73 have I been around so much energy and estrogen.

I want the full experience.

Hey, I've got that show on eight-track.

Uh, that's great, Kenneth.

Uh, hey, fine by me, y'all cut loose.

- Yeah! - Whoo! Come on!

Ooh!

Oi, Mae, Mae, come and sit with us.

All right.

- Mae, I hope you're ready for this. - Why?

Yeah, we're about to grill you for three hours straight.

About everything you've ever seen, heard, lost, and learned in your life.

Do your worst.

All right, guys. Everyone.

Uh, hello. I'm gonna take a picture.

- Ooh! - Yep.

Okay, smile.

- Great. - Wait, that's it?

You're gonna take one photo?

Well, I don't want to waste my memory.

Too tight to pay for iCloud storage.

- One photo? - Really?

- Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. - Hey.

You know, Rebecca, even without the Milk sisters selling,

someone could still get 49% of the shares.

Is this how we're saying hello now?

Sorry, I'll let you settle in, have a glass of wine.

Merci.

Oh, is that sushi?

- On an aeroplane? - Yeah.

I love it when it's a little bit warm, 'cause it makes it easier to chew.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You know, I'm gonna hit the loo before we take off.

'Cause anybody else afraid of getting sucked into an airplane toilet

and spit out into the clouds?

No.

- Oh, it must be nice. - Mmm.

It really happens, you know?

Happened to some bloke. Awful.

Why did I sit next to the toilet?

And so to the starting lineup for the visiting Richmond women,

who will begin this match in a 4-4-2 diamond formation

for the first time this season.

The tactical switch moves the Harrigan twins up into midfield.

And you have to wonder if a change like this before

the biggest match of Richmond's inaugural season will be cohesive or chaotic.

But there's good news for the traveling fans:

Star striker Gemma Jay has been cleared to play

for the first time since her injury against Charlton.

She'll be available off the bench, and there's no doubt

the fans will be...

- Oh, what's this? - Lunch.

I'm here to keep you company and make sure you don't watch the match.

Rebecca's orders.

Naughty, naughty Keeley.

Good afternoon from Bristol in England's beautiful South West.

Bristol's been around for over a thousand years,

and now the first-year Lady Greyhounds arrive

seeking the all-important promotion that would help ensure their own survival

in this season-defining match.

All right, y'all. Here we go.

Just like the acknowledgment section in the back of a book,

it's all been building to this.

Look, we know what's at stake today, so I ain't gonna prattle on and on about that

but if anybody's got something they wanna say, now's your time.

- Yeah. - Let's go.

- Let's have it. - Yeah.

I feel you. All right. Mae, you wanna say something?

Oh, no. I'm good.

- Come on, Mae. - Come on, Mae. Come on.

Okay. All right.

Uh, so, listen, um, growing up,

all I wanted to do was be a footballer,

but women weren't allowed to play officially.

You'd have been a professional, Mae, wouldn't you?

No, I had a right foot like a rosebush.

But my left, even worse.

But you girls are different.

You're talented. You belong on that pitch.

And I love to see it.

So go out there and make an old lady happy.

And beat the fucking shit out of them!

All right, come on. Let's go. Everyone in.

Everybody in, yeah?

- Go. Come on. - All right.

Richmond on three.

One, two, three...

Richmond!

Greyhounds, go!

We welcome all of you out in the streamersphere to Ashton Gate Stadium,

home of Bristol City WFC,

as they welcome AFC Richmond Women for a season-defining match.

- Ms. Welton... - Yes.

Your guest, Mae Green, has requested to sit

- in your supporters' section. - Oh.

So we've had her switch seats with this woman.

She appears to be normal... ish.

- Is that all right? - Course, thank you.

- Hmm. Hello, there. - Rebecca Welton.

Suzi Campbell.

Pleasure to meet you.

To meet all of you.

- Mmm. - Okay.

Thanks, big guy.

Here's a little something for you.

Used Kleenex. Lush.

Yeah!

For Richmond, the stakes are clear,

secure promotion today or risk heartbreak tomorrow.

When you've got opportunity in your hands, it's important to hold on to it tight,

like a lover who you know is about to leave you.

We've all been there.

Not like I have, Rebecca, not like I have.

No one has...

except Lily Allen.

Ooh, shit.

Nina Simone, Patsy Cline,

Lucille Ball,

the lads from Snow Patrol.

We get the idea, Jill.

I'm just watching porn.

You're not meant to be watching the match. You have to stay calm.

Roy, I am so calm.

Mmm.

I'm so cool and calm.

Please, can I watch the match? I really wanna watch it.

- It's so unfair. - Keeley.

Roy, I wanna watch the match. Please, please, please.

- Please, Roy. Please. - Okay.

But...

Still goalless in the early going.

Quite the bold choice for Richmond to try a new tactic in such a huge match,

but they'll need more from this new formation.

Come on, come on.

Davis to El Sherif, who can't quite get there.

Oh, no, no.

- Oh! - No!

The Robins of Bristol City draw first blood.

But you have to think Quinn should've done better there, Jill.

No one respects a goalie's quirks more than me.

That's all they get today. Come on.

But if Quinn had been wearing gloves, it would still be nil-nil.

Well, like they all say, it is a game of fingertips, you know?

Literally no one says that.

- No one? - No.

- I just came up with that? - Yeah.

Oh, fuck this.

I'm getting four shots of Fireball. You want anything?

She's a torture, that one.

- Okay. Uh, Fuzzy Pencil... - It's a makeup brush, but carry on.

Makeup Brush passes the ball up the field.

Wait, who is the makeup brush?

- Gabi. Frosted tips. - Gabi.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Passes the ball towards, um, Squishy Eye Scissors.

Roy, you have a sister. It shouldn't be that hard.

Eyelash Curlers.

Eyelash Curlers, moves the ball forward.

- Yeah. - Now City.

Ronnie to Gibbons.

Acres of space.

Ooh, broken up by Harrigan. No!

Dispossessed! Conn finds Del Mio.

Del Mio!

What?

2-nil. Richmond's in utter disarray as Quinn can only get a hand to it.

Are you broken?

Ooh.

No, that is broken.

All right, we're gonna need some offense now.

Yeah. Attackers get warm.

Come on!

Shannon, that's you too. Come on!

It's only 2-nil.

And that's okay because, remember,

nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things.

Because we are just stardust floating in a void.

Hmm.

Richmond's season is on the brink. This may call for an early move.

Who we gonna sub in?

Gemma.

- Yeah. Gemma. - Yeah, okay.

Hey, Gemma Jay!

- You're going in. Yeah. - Okay.

Oi, be careful out there.

Listen to your body.

If anything makes you uncomfortable, you can stop.

It's a knee injury, I'm not losing my virginity.

I'm trusting you.

- What's going on over there? - I guess Gemma's a virgin.

It's the moment Richmond fans have waited for.

Gemma! Gemma! Gemma!

One minute of added time remains.

Jenks finds Song.

One touch to Jay, rampaging forward

and she's brought down in the box!

- Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes!

Here we go. It's a chance.

Wait. Hold on a second, is she all right?

But Richmond's worst nightmare, Gemma Jay is still down.

Oh, I knew... I knew it. I knew this would happen.

Fuck you. Behave.

- You all right? You okay? - Yeah, yeah.

Get up.

Yes, fucking come on. Come on!

Well, she's back on her feet. But is she still herself?

Ted, I know you're trying to make me a more positive person,

but let's face it, the world sucks fucking dick.

- With teeth. - Amen.

Oh. Okay, you two, why don't you cool your jets

and let's see how the penalty turns out, please.

First game back from injury,

suffers a scary fall that could have been doomsday,

and she's taking the penalty herself.

That's toughness. That's grit.

Scented Candle lines up to take the penalty kick,

and everyone is really chill about it.

- All eyes on Richmond's talisman. - Come on.

Can she fire her side back into this crucial match?

She can! Of course she can.

- It's 2-1. - Yes!

- And everyone is calm. - Yeah.

And no one is celebrating 'cause there's no need to.

We can breathe about it.

It's not a big deal. It's 2-1.

It's only football.

Silly, silly football.

This match was all Bristol

- until Gemma Jay came along... - Yeah. Come on.

And since then Richmond have looked a different proposition altogether.

They've been transformed.

Like they stopped drinking and started doing Pilates three days a week.

I need to sit down, recharge for the second half.

That's a great idea.

You are the man! You!

- Great penalty. - Thanks.

You shouldn't play the second half.

I saw you limping.

Look, I'm not gonna tell you what to do.

I'm not gonna tell Ted what to do.

I felt a twinge.

It hurts.

You're right, I should come out.

But if we lose, I'll be fuming.

I'll be fucking livid.

Hey.

Stop me if you've heard this one.

What brings no benefit to the bee brings even less to the hive.

I know you like to feel everything.

But I want you to feel what it's like to get promoted.

Buying a bra, huh? Nice.

Let's go, Greyhounds!

Hey, Shannon, uh,

Gemma's gonna sit second half, so I'm gonna need your help.

Oh, yeah, cheer her up on the bench? Sure.

But just so you know, she's a lot.

No, no, I'm gonna need you to go out there and help us win this game.

Wait. Wait. I'm going in?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, now, hold on a second.

You gotta take off all this junk.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Come on now.

All right, everybody, come on. Let's go, circle up.

Bring it in. Bring it in.

All right, we're only down one goal,

so second verse is gonna be the same as the first, yeah?

We're gonna do one thing different though, and that...

- Ooh la la, look at this. Okay. - Okay! Boots!

Sorry, we're gonna do two things different.

Shannon, come on, get up here now.

Come on now, let's go.

I'm coming.

The other one is, Shannon's gonna be starting the second half for us.

- Come on! - Come on. All right. Let's go.

Come on, Greyhounds on three. One, two, three.

- Greyhounds! Come on! - Greyhounds! Yeah!

- Congratulations. You got this. Come on. - Okay.

Shannon, just...

Remember...

- You got this, go on. - Yes. Yes.

A Richmond reshuffle for the second half. Gemma Jay cannot continue.

She's replaced in the lineup by Shannon Stone, making her season debut.

Richmond have all their chips on the table.

Do they have an ace up their sleeve?

Shannon, stop thinking.

Okay, okay.

Richmond have lost their defensive shape.

This is dangerous here.

Bristol. From long range.

What a save from Quinn!

Yes, Boots!

Yeah!

Yeah.

And Quinn appears to be wearing... gloves?

Oh, I get it. Right.

- Yes. - El Sharif finds Harrigan

on the edge of the box!

Back heel to nowhere. Oh! Hang on!

The other Harrigan!

- The equalizer! It's 2-2! - Yes!

Yes.

Yeah!

Come on!

Yes.

Really good teamwork from Rouge and Contour.

Yes! Yes!

We can be relaxed because that is 2-2,

and the balance of the universe has been restored.

There will be a minimum of four minutes' injury time.

Stone with the intercept. She's been growing into this game.

The Richmond attack in full flow now, and Harrigan is in.

Cleaned out by the keeper.

Loose ball into the box.

Who's gonna get there first?

- Yeah! - Yes!

- Face Wash scored. - Oh!

O Captain! My Captain!

Lizzie Davis.

The mother of two scores a mother of a goal

to put Richmond on the brink of the Super League.

Yeah!

Yes! Yes!

- Whoo! - Hey.

All right, all right. Come on, let's focus.

Settle up, switch on. Game's not over.

Yeah! Yes! Oh!

Oh, it's about the Milks.

- I'm gonna take this. Okay, okay. - Take it.

Whoo!

Hey, okay.

This had better be good news.

I have found the Château de Milk.

Hugo, you magnificent bastard.

I'm so sorry for ever underestimating you,

but it's only because I think so little of you.

We've no time for your linguistic foreplay,

my wicked pussycat.

I need to know how high you're willing to go.

Whatever it takes.

Listen, you skinless hemorrhoid.

If I get these shares, then I'll have majority control of the club,

so don't fuck it up.

Oh, God, that's the yellowtail.

Oh. Ooh.

My apologies.

That was God.

I was just letting him know

that I'd found two of his most gorgeous angels.

Richmond need to stay frosty here.

One slip and all is lost.

And there is your slip.

Bristol are still alive. The cross goes in.

Boots Quinn with a one-handed save.

- Go on, Boots! - And she made it look easy.

Isn't it mad what gloves can do?

But surely she'll stay down to run out some clock?

What is she thinking?

Quinn thumps it up the pitch to Stone.

Show 'em, Stoney.

She's got one defender to beat!

Oh! She's won it for Richmond!

Yeah!

Keeley!

I lied, football does matter!

It's the most important thing in the world, and you did it. You did it, babe.

This is incredible. I-I-I gotta go call my wife and my bookie!

Oh, well done.

Oh, man!

Improbably, dramatically, incredibly...

Richmond have done it.

Welcome to the Super League.

Help! Come on!

Shannon Stone. She'll be returning home a hero.

Incredible. This is why football's the best sport in the world.

Madam? Madam?

Keeley would have loved this.

You know what else she'll love?

When we move the last match of the season to Nelson Road...

- Yes. - And fill the whole fucking place.

Great game, Shower Gel.

I knew you had it in you.

And you, Weird Shoe, perfect goal.

And you two, Rouge and Contour, great teamwork despite your differences.

"She was shite. I was grand."

"Don't be a bastard, you little shite."

Stop it, you two.

You're both very powerful face coloring things.

And you...

- Mmm. - What's wrong?

Nothing.

Okay.

- You've got to be yourself. - But why not, just for a minute...

- Of course. - Excuse me, I...

I'm sorry to interrupt.

But there's been an incident.

Oh, what is it?

It's Ms. Green.

Can I tell you something?

Yeah, of course.

That's the best fucking thing I've ever heard in my life.

We are going up! Say we are going up!

We are going up! Say we are going up!

We are going up! Say we are going up!

Hey, what you doing?

Get in here and celebrate with us.

What's wrong?