Original subtitles

Here he comes.

It's about time.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry I'm late.

Welcome. It's an honor to have...

such distinguished visitors as yourselves on my island.

I hope the trip was satisfactory.

Forget that.

I hope that you have considered our offer.

Yes, and I do have some concerns...

but they are minor.

We now expect your full cooperation, Governor.

Secrecy is of the utmost importance. You understand?

Of course, of course.

There is no chance anyone will ever know.

What the hell is that?

Gentlemen.

This is Major Vladakov. He will be in charge.

I am sure you are aware of his reputation.

He is perhaps the second-greatest terrorist in the world

What? You are not?

It's impossible to get number one. He's never available.

How fortunate for me.

Now, to our mission:

Restoring the old world order...

so that once again, you may all drive Cadillacs,

and I can become the number-one terrorist in the world.

So, let's take a tour of your island,

shall we?

This guy is a big mistake.

I don't think so.

We'll see.

♪ Oh, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother knockin' ♪

♪ yeah, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother knockin' ♪

♪ yeah, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother ♪

♪ come on in ♪

♪ well, keep talkin' and she starts losin' the blues ♪

♪ This old house ain't got nothin' to lose ♪

♪ I've seen it all for years Start spreadin' the news ♪

♪ we got room on the floor ♪

♪ come on, baby Shake somethin' loose ♪

♪ well, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother knockin' ♪

♪ yeah, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother knockin' ♪

♪ The house is a-rockin' ♪

♪ Don't bother come on in ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ well, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother knockin' ♪

♪ yeah, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother knockin' ♪

♪ The house is a-rockin' Don't bother ♪

♪ come on in ♪

♪ well, walkin' up the street you can hear the sound ♪

♪ Some band honky-tonka few Layin' it down ♪

♪ They've seen it all for years ♪

♪ Ain't gota-nothin' to lose ♪

♪ So get out on the floor ♪

♪ yeah, baby Shake somethin' loose ♪

♪ oh, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother knockin' ♪

♪ yeah, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother knockin' ♪

♪ yeah, the house is a-rockin' Don't bother ♪

♪ come on in ♪

♪ yow ♪♪

Hey, good shot Left, right, left.

To the left, to the left, to the left, right, left.

To the left, to the left, to the left, right, left.

To the left, to the left, to the left, right, left.

To the left, to the left, to the left, right, left

To the left, to the left, to the left, right, left.

Company, halt!

Request permission to commence flag-raising ceremony, sir.

Permission granted, Ensign Parker.

Uh-oh.

Holy mother of liberty! That's a federal offense.

Plus it's big. You need a medium. McHale, what are you doing here?

This base is for Naval personnel only.

You are gonna get... Hey, cool whistle.

You know, McHale, you cannot bribe your way onto a Naval base.

Keep it. I'll see you later.

Come on, Willie. Quit stallin'.

It's your turn. Oh, lighten up, Gruber.

You can't rush this stuff

you don't complain when you're drinkin' it

"If it hadn't actually happened to me,

"I never would have thought it possible.

"It all started one night in a small diner outside of town.

"I couldn't help but notice how the waitress...

"kept giving me the sexy eye. Oh.

"Then her twin sister walked in." Uh-uh.

With their mother.

This stuff never really happens.

Yeah, well, I can personally guarantee that this one did.

Oh, you wrote this one.

No way.

Big way.

So there I was,

one man gazing into six blinking eyes...

and three pairs of pouty lips.

I was so hot, my hoagie fell..

Into a plate of their special sauce.

- No way. - Big way.

The question is,

do I tip ten or twenty percent?

Better make it 30 and leave a little somethin' for Grandma. Hey, boys.

All right, good news. Company's got a new division:

McHale's Ice Cream.

Comes in 31 gourmet favors, including Pineapple,

Orange Tint, 13 kinds of Chocolate Mint...

- "Mango Tango Bango Berry." - "Banana Boat Chunky Cherry."

- "Funky Lumpy Monkey Berry"? - "Loosey-Goosey Scary Berry."

- And just plain Berry. - Any of these low fat?

They're all low fat, if you spit out the chunks.

Hey, that's an idea. I've got 1,000 gallons.

That's 4,000 pints. Our cost is a dollar a unit.

So what do we charge?

We can probably get five, six bucks apiece. Five, six bucks.

- Better make it six. - Six bucks.

Wait a second. A thousand gallons, that is 8,000 pints.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. Thank you.

Anybody want to place any last-minute bets on the big game?

I'm in for 20. I'm in for 25.

Here's 20. Give him 20. 25. Give him 25.

Pot's right. This stuff is for sellin', not snackin'.

We better get seven, our cost being two bucks a unit.

I thought it was a buck. That's before I knew we had twice as much.

Come on!

See you guys later.

Mm. That's yummy.

Where you been, McHale? Y-You gonna take care of me?

Don't I always? Chill! Come on.

Did you get me the good stuff?

You got somethin' for me? Yeah.

"Orange, Strawberry, Banana." Light.

Thanks, McHale. You're a prince.

One more thing. You got a freezer? Yeah. Why?

I need you to unload some ice cream for me.

Anything for you, McHale. Good, 'cause I got some chili coming in.

Okay.

Oh! Hoo!

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy!

Got those pictures I need, buddy?

Got those pictures I need, buddy?

Yes!

Thanks, buddy. Oh, thank you, buddy.

Wow.

Hola, McHale. Hey, thanks, Miguel.

♪ Meet me by the campsite ♪

♪ In the caravan ♪

♪ on the Riviera ♪

♪ But she don't care a bit ♪

♪ She say ♪

♪ I'm workin' on my tan ♪

McHale, ole. How ya doin'? Hi.

♪ Oh, mon ♪♪ McHale!

Hi, kids.

Hey, Doc. McHale.

Thanks. Oh!

We really needed this.

How can we ever make it up to you?

Forget about it. I'm happy to help out any way I can.

Well...

If you want another kidney, the answer is no...

unless you got a new set of golf clubs.

All right, men, listen up. Today's the big day.

The satellite photos are in, and they're clear.

Now, as you can see right here their cleanup hitter crowds the plate.

What's that mean, Juan? Hit him in the head with a fastball.

No, unfortunately he's wearing a helmet. Then we pitch him inside.

Right, and that means? He will pull it, so I play closer to the line.

Plus you can trip him when he's going around second base.

You guys got a great coach.

All right, Roberto's the cutoff man.

And he's not here. Where is he?

Sorry, McHale. I tried to keep an eye on him for you...

but he's always running off

Okay. All right.

This is their third base coach giving the steal sign.

Picking his nose is the steal sign?

I told you they were crafty.

Who's the best team in the Caribbean?

San Moreno! And who's gonna crush San Felipe?

- San Moreno! - Who's gonna run 20 wind sprints to warm up for the game?

San Moreno!

All right, guys, come on.

Let's go! Come on, fellas.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You guys look terrible.

Look at those jerseys.

You're never going to get on "This Week in Caribbean Baseball" looking like that.

- I guess you better wear these. - What is it?

Wow! Cool! New jerseys!

If you win today, next week you get pants.

Wow, thanks! Yeah, thanks!

What are you laughing at?

You know my Harley's runnin' a little rich.

That's because you fiddle with it all the time.

I don't fiddle with it.

All right, I'll fix it. At least I know what I'm doing.

If you knew what you were doing, I wouldn't have to fiddle with it all the time.

You're late.

McHale, I gotta talk to you.

Hey, Roberto, where you been?

Last night by the pier I saw the Governor...

meeting some strange-looking dudes in uniforms, so I took some pictures.

I've told you a million times, knock off the spy stuff.

You've got the best glove of any outfielder I've ever seen. Life is good.

Give me the film.

I'm just trying to look out for you, all right?

Come on, let's play some ball.

I got you a new jersey.

All right, guys! Let's get ready now!

Come on, let's play some ball!

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Sir, the launch will be ready to take us to the base in 15 minutes.

I have all this knowledge, and they send me to this dump in the middle of nowhere.

Twenty years of Naval experience,

and I always get passed over for the good assignments.

No one can convince me that it isn't because of that damn cruise ship incident.

Sir, may I respectfully offer an opinion?

You may.

I studied the Caribbean at the academy, sir,

and, if you don't mind me saying so,

this area is very critical.

Perhaps they sent you here because you possess the ability...

to turn this into a top-notch Naval facility.

Huh! You think so?

Yes, sir. This may be just the place...

where your attention to discipline is appreciated.

I could use a new challenge.

Maybe this time there'll be some raw material I can work with.

They're coming!

Oh! Marlin on. Marlin on!

They're here! Oh! Ow.

They're coming, the boat!

Hey, guys! Hey, guys!

Hey, ice cream! How much?

Ten bucks a pint.

Put me down for chocolate and anything else...

that's got a nutty thing going on, but no raisins.

The new C.O. is on his way here now!

He's not due 'til next week.

Yeah, well he's here. Hey you guys.

We got a little boat comin' in.

Well, there goes tonight's luau.

Oh, man, we gotta hide our stuff.

And put on your uniforms and fall in.

We were supposed to keep those things?

Come on, knucklehead. I'll buy you another one.

Come on, Chuck. You can do it.

All you need is just a little confidence. Think “promotion.”

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Greetings, Captain Binghampton.

At your service Captain.

It's an honor, Captain Binghampton, sir!

I better tone that down.

Uh...

Thank you for that greeting, Ensign.

Um, Charles T. Parker, sir.

Welcome to San Sid. What?

Oh, that's the base's nickname, sir.

See, this is San Ysidro island,

the main island in the San Ysidro chain,

located right between Cuba and... Pftt... the Virgin Islands.

But the locals just shortened the “Ysidro” to “Sid.” See? San Sid, sir.

You're a moron, aren't you?

What's this?

"This is a tarp, short for “tarpaulin," which is generally...

Not this! This!

Oh. Oh!

Well, this is a frosty concoction...

home brewed by one of our colorful yet loveable locals.

This is a military installation, not a brewery.

I've heard about this place. It's a lot less of a naval base...

and a lot more of sand baggers trying to get free food and lodging out of Uncle Sam!

Now, that is not entirely true, sir.

Fall in.

Whoa! Check it out. Hey.

Excuse me, sir. Oh, look out.

Okay, let's hear it.

Come on.

I have heard them all. Well, what is it?

I'd like to polish her turrets?

I'd like her to inflate my raft?

I'd like to swab her deck?

Well? Um...

Uh, the swabbin' the deck one.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Well, I am a superior officer,

and one more joke like that,

and I am recommending that you are all transferred...

to our base deep in Alaska's Aleutian Islands.

This place is so isolated...

you will spend your days spit-shining urinals...

and drunkenly trawling for innocent civilians to beat up.

Uh, ma'am?

Would this be a permanent-duty assignment?

Ow! Sorry. Sorry, sir. Ma'am.

Good work, Lieutenant. Thank you, sir.

Atten-hut!

Hey, Happy, ain't that the guy who sunk the Love Boat?

Oh, yeah.

- Did we wake you up? - No, sir.

We've been up since the crack of noon, sir.

Well, that's going to change.

Inspection in five minutes. Fall out!

What's the hurry, boys?

The new C.O.'s coming. We gotta get all this stuff cleaned up!

Want some ice cream? Oh!

Would you guys relax? You know how these new C.O.s are.

They're tough for two weeks.

Before you know it, they're trading shore passes for toilet paper with aloe.

Not this guy, McHale. He's “D“ for difficult.

The type of difficult that makes a... Shut up.

You're making good time, and you've still got 16 seconds.

So keep it up. I'll talk to you later.

Make your bed! Make your bed! Up here!

Attention on deck!

Suck it in, mister!

I'm totally sucked, sir.

How about a shave, sailor?

Been thinkin' about it, sir.

Working without tools, eh?

What happened to your sleeves?

Uh, lost 'em in a poker game, sir.

Angry loser.

Where is your bunk, son?

It's outside, sir.

Outside? Yeah.

It's, uh, out there on up in a tree, sir.

You have a gravity problem, son?

Uh, no, sir.

You just enjoy sleeping up in the trees?

Oh, I sure do, sir.

Carpenter, take a note.

From now on, anything found...

sleeping up in a tree after lights out...

will be shot, understood?

Noted, sir.

What are you trying to hide from me, Ensign?

Why, nothing, sir.

Why, nothing, sir.

Move.

It appears to be more contraband sir:

"McHale's Mai Tai."

"McHale's Ale."

"McHale's Girls of the San Ysidro Islands Calendar."

Would someone tell me what this is?

Well, these are scantily clad ..

Yet tasteful photos of women the men use as...

Shut up!

What were you eating, sailor?

“McHale's Ice Cream." No.

Well, well, well, well, well

You men have done something that I've never seen before.

You've managed to transform an official military installation...

into aisle three at the Price Club!

What a resourceful group.

Thank you, sir, but we really can't take all the credit.

We owe it to our good buddy, McHale.

- Hmm! - Shh!

Welcome to the Navy, gentlemen.

All right, driver, take this garbage to the dump!

And make sure everything is in official accordance...

with the rules of Navy dumping!

Okay.

You know, this part of the island,

I don't think you want to go here.

It's all so muddy, and the villagers are interrupting.

This isn't the best place to do

To do whatever heinous things you're planning to do.

Major, this spot is primo.

The vectors are perfect.

Their range is maximum.

This is where we shall set up.

You, boy.

Where did you get that shirt?

Oh, uh, that's their coach, McHale.

H-H-He's a nobody.

He's an old retired American sailor that comes around..

And coaches the team.

He lives on an island, all by himself.

Run along to McHale, boys.

I hope you will not be so loose-lipped...

if someone should ask about me.

B-But I wouldn't say anything.

Besides, I don't know anything about you,

except that you're the second-best terrorist in the world.

Major, our equipment has arrived.

Take me to it.

Move it! Move it! Move it!

Come on, faster! Faster!

Did you hear what he called me, David?

Huh? “Second best"?

You heard that, right?

Don't go there. You always do this.

He meant it as a compliment.

You always have to turn it into something about you.

Why do you always minimize my pain?

I thought we were getting somewhere, and as your psychiatrist,

I now realize we have a lot of work to do on this.

But I am here to help you,

even if you are holding my entire family hostage in Bangladesh.

Major Vladikov, I see a lot of equipment...

for such a quiet operation.

Why don't you just say that if I were any better...

I would need less equipment?

Easy.

Thank you, Governor. You are dismissed.

Oh, and Governor?

May I suggest that you use some of that graft...

to invest in a solid antiperspirant?

♪ You people ♪

♪ Got a heart of steel, yeah ♪

♪ Do the funky boogie now, ♪

♪ Come on and show me, ♪

♪ Feel good music in your soul ♪

Hey, Petey.

Huh?

Come on. What a pig.

♪ Hey. Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey Pocky Way ♪ Want to go for a ride?

♪ Old McHale had a farm E-I-E-I-O ♪

Come on, sing with me.

♪ And on his farm he had a pig ♪

♪ I'm not groovin' ♪

♪ gonna make you feel good ♪

♪ Feel good ♪

♪ music in your soul ♪

♪ it's gonna make your body, rock and roll ♪

♪ roll ♪

♪ Hey. Hey, hey ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You are so lucky.

I wish I could fit in that box.

Now go make me some breakfast.

Finally, David, my stealth boat.

What do you think of her?

Very stealthy, sir.

Alzo, is she ready yet?

I feel like a sunset cruise this evening.

Very soon, sir. And Major?

I know your nautical knowledge and experience is somewhat limited,

but just give it a little time.

Hey, can't be the second-greatest terrorist in the world forever.

Roberto, my boy.

You've definitely got some talent.

Vladakov?

Ahoy, McHale!

How are you enjoying your retirement?

Fine, fine. It's just not as peaceful as I'd like it to be right now.

I haven't seen you since Panama. What have you been up to?

I've been looking all over for this.

Oh, you know, the usual. Madness, mayhem, death and destruction.

Yeah, me too.

Listen, I'd have you up, but it's a little messy right now.

Why don't you stay right there?

Yeah, right.

Damn.

Stand by for further air conditioning.

What a dick.

Come on, Petey.

Watch out!

Whoa!

Hold on!

Go warn the others!

Oh!

Shit!

Yes!

Whoa!

Well, McHale, I guess this makes us even.

Order arms!

That, in case you are unfamiliar with it,

was our national anthem.

And you slobs, in case you are unfamiliar with it,

are in the United States Navy.

Not McHale's Navy; the United States Navy!

There'll be no more sloppiness, no more fun,

and most definitely, no more McHale.

McHale!

Call 911. Call 911.

Hey, hey, hey. Wha...

What am I going to do with you, Quint?

Well, how about a sponge bath for starters,

and maybe later a foot massage?

Personality intact.

You were out for a while.

What happened?

Uh, some crazed East German blew up my boat.

Which reminds me, you gotta hand me my underwear.

I have to go kill him now. Mm-hmm.

Atten-hut!

We haven't met, McHale, so I'll be brief.

My name is Captain Wallace B. Binghampton.

That's brief?

I'm the new commanding officer.

And you, mister, are a bootlegger and a smuggler.

- I don't believe we've met. I'm Quinton McHale. - Lieutenant Penelope Carpenter.

- You know, your boyfriend's kind of rude. - I'm not her boyfriend.

- Did you guys break up? - She was never my girlfriend.

- Just lovers, huh? - You listen to me, mister.

When I'm done with you, you're gonna wish...

whoever you tangled with last night had finished you off.

Captain, please, this man has just been through a major trauma.

Plus I'm due for a sponge bath.

You're under arrest. Throw this bum in the brig!

- Lieutenant? - What is it?

You know, I used to be in the Navy too.

And I'm sure they threw a big party after you left.

Well, as a matter of fact...

You know, it seems like she hates me, but I'm sure it's all part of her master plan.

Don't just stand there, boys, grab a sponge!

I tell you guys

something strange is going on on the other side of the island.

What's your problem, dude?

You always think something's going on, but nothing ever is.

You're living in a James Bond fantasy world.

You have to get in touch with reality.

What's that noise?

Come on, let's go.

Fantasy world, huh?

This looks pretty real to me.

I must maintain discipline. These men must be taught a lesson.

I understand that sir but you're just taking it...

a little too far, that's all.

Come on, let's go.

Well, David, where were we?

Of course you had a traumatic childhood, Uh-huh.

But there are better ways to deal with people than just shooting them.

Well, what do you suggest, David? Good afternoon, Major.

Yes, yes, what do you want, you island wart?

B-But, uh, Major, please. Major!

The people from the village near here,

they have very little.

They have you.

You said no one would even know you were here.

You've torn up the roads.

You've ruined the baseball field.

You've disrupted the lives of my people. And your point is?

You have to take into consideration the people...

My people... as we move forward in our relationship.

Consider them considered.

Governor, you have my word.

I knewl could talk to you, Major. We're both reasonable men.

I am not a reasonable man.

All the more reason then that, uh...

Tonight, at the fiesta I will tell the people all is well.

All is well. All is well.

All is well. All is well.

Suddenly, I am in a party mood.

Jose, have you seen what they've done to the baseball field?

What's going down, man? Look.

The governor says he's spoken to them, and everything's going to be all right.

Where's McHale? Isn't he coming? He'll be here.

Has he ever missed a fiesta?

I hope we are not too late...

for happy hour!

Governor!

Join the party.

Your governor tells me you are unhappy with our presence here.

He tells me you have been complaining...

because the base is too near the village.

So, we have a solution.

We move the village.

Come on, guys. It's party time.

You traitor! How much did he pay you to betray your people?

Major. Major, please help me, or they will kill me!

Here. Take my hand.

Thank you! Psych!

Major! Ma...

I don't care what anybody says.

That's funny.

Admiral, sir. Yes, what is it?

Photos from the satellite look bad.

There are supply ships, transports.

We also have reports of fires on the island. We think this man is running the operation.

Vladakov.

All right. Who's the commanding officer we got down there right now?

- Uh, Captain Binghampton, sir. - Binghampton. Binghampton!

Isn't that the guy that sank the Love Boat?

Well, it... it wasn't the real Love Boat, sir.

Oh. Well, let's get him on the vid-link.

Yes, sir.

Vladakov.

Carpenter! What do you think?

Hat on. Hat off.

No, no. Hat on. Makes me look intelligent.

Captain, this is Cobra.

Yes, Cobra! This is Captain Wallace B...

Let me get right down to it.

We have reason to believe there is a terrorist cell...

forming on an island adjacent to your base.

What? Terrorists, here?

I'll find them for you, sir.

Don't you worry about that. I'll hunt them down like...

Binghampton you are to do nothing.

The last thing the President wants is more gunboat diplomacy.

The President?

How would you like us to proceed, sir?

There is one person down there...

who can handle an up-close inspection.

He was one of the top covert operatives in the Navy.

His name is Quinton McHale.

He should be somewhere near your area.

I'll try to locate him for you, sir.

Good. Cobra out.

No. What do you mean, no?

- No! - The Navy needs you, McHale.

- Give me a break. - Doesn't that mean anything to you?

You're just gonna turn your back?

I know all about the Navy, and about backs getting turned.

I could have told Washington this is the way you would react.

I'm gonna do you a favor, McHale.

I'm gonna say that I couldn't find you.

I'm gonna say that you'd left the area.

And you know what you're going to do?

You're going to leave the area! Now, get out!

You know, you're annoying. No wonder she dumped you.

- McHale, wait! - Carpenter, don't waste your breath.

- This is an operation I'm well equipped to handle. - But, sir

I've been waiting for this my entire life,

and believe me, I could do this with my eyes sewn shut,

and both hands tied behind my back...

McHale!

You guys Okay?

Looks like you had a heck of a party here.

Things are lookin' up.

McHale

- Hey, Roberto. - Where you been?

Long story.

- Something terrible has happened. - You noticed, huh?

No, worse. The village and the baseball field are all gone.

- What are you talking about? - That weird dude I took pictures of,

he destroyed everything.

Here's the deal. I'll do it, but I'm gonna do it my way.

Ha! Oh, no, you're not.

Let's call Cobra and see what he thinks.

Oh, but, uh...

All right, McHale. Now what do you mean by “your way”?

I want my boat back, and I want my old crew back.

I want the barracks on the far side of the island.

I want tents and supplies for 200 people,

and, uh, also six dozen freezers.

Are you out of your mind?

D... You stop doing that!

I want to be left alone. I'll only answer to Cobra.

- Do we have an understanding? - Yes.

I-I-If it's all right with the Captain.

No, it's not all right with me.

All right, McHale.

I'm gonna give you just enough rope to hang yourself with,

and if you screw up... or I should say when you screw up...

It's your butt, mister.

Welcome back, McHale.

That's Lieutenant Commander McHale to you, Carpenter.

I know. It's weird.

Man, this thing shrank.

- Hey, buddy. - Hey, hey. Hey, buddy.

Boys, I give you your new home.

Well, we throw on some paint, put up some curtains, plant a shrub or two...

And it'll still suck.

I knew you guys would need cheerin' up, so I've arranged for a reunion. Come on.

Hey, cool! All right!

Yes! Thanks, Skip.

Well, hey, Skip.

I don't see any of my stuff.

Oh, yeah? Come here.

Christy, think fast.

Thanks, Virgil.

Hmm! Oh, yeah.

Oh... you know, there's a sensitive side to you, Skipper.

Thanks, little buddy.

Hey, Skip. Thanks for the stuff.

It's great to be back together again, man.

So, Skip, what kind of mission are we on?

Hey, Skip!

Looks like we've got some company.

All right, guys, help 'em out.

Hey, Roberto, how ya doin'?

Come on, kids. How ya doin'?

Come on over.

- Come on. How are ya? - I've got some great news.

I've got a hundred tents set up for you guys. Just one catch.

What's that? I was lying about them being set up.

I'll make you a deal. We'll take care of the tents.

You just get our island back.

I'll make you that deal if you do something about my boat.

Have you been fiddling with it again?

Hey, if I was fiddling with it, you wouldn't have to fix it. Come on.

Come in.

Ensign Parker here, sir. You wanted to see me?

Uh, yes, Parker.

I don't think that I've shown you...

the respect that you deserve.

Have you been getting the fruit baskets I've been sending you, sir?

Yes.

Yes.

You know, Ensign,

I think it's possible...

that you're lieutenant material,

and I have an assignment for you that just might prove that.

Sir, I am ready for anything

Good. I want you to go to McHale's base, find out what's going on,

get every drop of information, and report back to me.

- Understood? - Thank you, sir.

- Well, hop to it! - Oh, y-yes, sir.

The best I can figure, this building here is a command center.

The rest looks like standard stuff, if you're building a gigantic missile silo.

But it's so out in the open. Vladakov's an underground terrorist.

I can't believe he'd do something this big on the doorstep of a U.S. naval base.

- How do you know this chump? - We lived together for a while.

Oh. I didn't know. Not that I'm judging you or anything.

At Quantico. He trained as a double agent under Cobra.

Oh. I heard that this guy's supposed to be like...

the second-best terrorist in the world.

Yeah but he wanted to be the best, and then got greedy.

After we captured him, the Pentagon said..

We couldn't keep both of them, so we had to let him go.

So he got away clean?

Not exactly. We made a little detour on the way.

My name and this face are two things he's never gonna forget.

What?

- Help! Help! - What is that?

Help! Help! Help!

Help! Help! Help!

McHale!

- Fish him out, boys. - Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

Oh! Thanks. Thanks, guys.

Thanks. Thanks, guys.

Thanks. Thanks. Oh!

I saw fish out there, big fish. I saw a marlin...

I bet you're wondering what I'm doing with a piece of driftwood on my head?

That's only one of many questions.

Don't you want to hear about the driftwood? I was going for a natural look.

Let him go, guys

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, guys.

Guys, come on. This is really uncomfortable.

Binghampton sent you here to spy on us, didn't he?

I'm not tellin'you a thing until you pop me. Come on and pop me!

What are you gonna do with that thing?

Aaahhh!

You okay, Parker? Put me in the game, coach.

- I'll get a touchdown fourth quarter. - Snap out of it.

Since we've already burst your bubble, I'm gonna lay it to you straight.

We're goin' to Vladakov's and find out how come he put a terrorist camp...

in our friendly little neighborhood here.

Now, if you wanna tell Binghampton, I'd be happy to take you there,

but I think you'd rather stay here and help us out.

You gonna give me something important to do?

Absolutely.

I love you guys! Buddy check!

All right, watch my fins. Guys, watch my...

Come on, stupe. Hurry up. I'm cuttin' as fast as I can.

- Turn 'em around the right way - Sorry, it didn't come with a manual

That's gonna be a pretty big satellite station.

Looks like it, doesn't it?

We're in.

All right, Gruber, Willie, check out the far side.

Right. Christy, Virgil, go south.

South. Happy and I are gonna go north.

What do you want me to do? That's our only way out of here.

Guard it.

Willie, look at that rocket.

That's big enough to start World War III.

Whoa! Yes!

I bet this is their munitions depot.

Gee. You suppose?

Major? Yes?

Everything appears to be on schedule for rendezvous with Feckler.

With no complications, we are fully operational in 35 hours.

There will be no complications!

I will neither allow nor tolerate failure!

Speaking of which, where is my vodka?

Has it arrived yet? You! Go and see!

Schnell! Schnell!

Real important part the mission.

Oh, they couldn't do without me.

Let's see how they feel when they don't have Equipment Guy there at...

You okay? Yeah, yeah. Fine. Let's go.

What's that? We need it.

- It's cable-ready. - Come on, guys.

Why don't you just put up a big sign that says we came here and stole stuff?

Okay, we can't take everything. Um, leave the guns.

Everything is going beautifully and according to plan.

There's no need to keep calling me all the time.

Hello! Hello!

We are not going to get anywhere if you all talk at the same time.

Listen, we know you're a little sensitive when it comes to what appears to be criticism.

When dealing with the number two terrorist,

there's reason to be concerned

We need reassurances that everything is all right.

Let me assure you that...

Major, something terrible has happened! Someone has stolen a...

Just give me a minute.

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

What is it?

Someone has stolen a piece of the core cylinder. I thought you would want to know.

L-I could go ahead and order a replacement,

but I think if they hear from you, they might move a little faster.

Wait... here.

Is something wrong? What's going on?

We heard something about stealing.

No, no. Nothing's wrong. Everything's fine.

- Trust me. - Hey, we don't appreciate that tone...

So what do you think they're gonna do with a giant missile thing?

You got me, 'cause they also got a lot of ground-based assault weapons.

The thing that doesn't make any sense is:

Doesn't Vladakov know the second we see that missile,

the troops are gonna come in and wipe him out?

Parker? What? I didn't do anything.

What happened?

I'm a terrible officer.

I got pouty, I wandered off and, well, then I broke this.

Skip?

You think you can rustle up one of those vid-links for me real quick?

That's why I'm here.

- Great work, Parker. - Thanks a lot, Skip.

That's better. That's better.

You say one of your men disengaged the core cylinder?

That's brilliant! Yeah, thanks, but I think it's only gonna slow Vladakov down.

It's not gonna stop him. It'll give us time to come up with a plan to neutralize him.

We better quick; he's building a satellite dish that's gonna be operational soon.

He also mentioned, uh, a rendezvous with someone named Feckler?

Feckler? He knows about Feckler?

- Who's Feckler? - It's the name of my pet project.

The world's most advanced... And until now...

Secret Satellite Tracking Weapons Guidance System, or SiTWiGS.

- Why'd you call it “Feckler"? - We already had something called “SiTWiGS."

Here. Let me show you something.

The satellite is a G.P.S. system for missile guidance.

It enables us to hit any target in the world within six inches.

It comes around once a day to change its launch codes.

Yeah, but from what I saw, Vladakov's set up to steal those codes.

That's why I need you to try and jam Vladakov

to buy us some time until we can get there.

I'll get back to you. Cobra out.

Can we do it, Willie?

Well, not with our equipment. They have that Soviet-era crap.

We're gonna need the same stuff to be compatible.

- How we gonna dig that up? - When I think of Soviet-era crap, I think of Cuba.

Welcome to Cuba, boys.

Land of oppression and opportunity.

Hello, Havana. I am gonna score enough cigars to keep me puffin' for a year.

- Hey, guys, we are here on a mission. - I got a mission of my own.

Knock it off, guys! Come on. We got a job to do.

All right, fellas, listen up.

I'm gonna go in and make the deal. I'll be right back.

You guys just hang out, okay?

Hang out.

- All right, who's got the Hackey Sack? - Got it.

Oh, oh, oh. I got it.

Ow! Where'd it go?

Excuse me. Is Armando around?

- Armando is dead. - Boy, I'm sorry to hear that.

Armando lives.

There is someone here to see you.

Hey, buddy.

- Hey, McHale. What's happening man? How you doin'? - Good. What you been up to?

Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Mostly having flashbacks of concerts I haven't been to yet, you know?

- Hey, you came at a good time, my friend. - Why? You havin' a sale?

- Yeah, okay. - Good.

I need one of those S.S.B. transceivers. I'll give you 600 bucks.

You know, I may not remember 30 years of my life, man,

but I remember those things cost 700.

Really? Well, I can get 'em in Damascus for five.

Hey, last time I looked, we weren't in Damascus, man.

Thank you. I also need one of those heat-seeking torpedo warheads,

I need two battery eliminators, one of those satellite uplink units...

- and 5,000 rounds of 50-caliber ammo. - Hey, no problem, man.

And, uh, I also need, uh, some parts...

for a 1942 Packard P.T. boat engine.

Oh, now, that might be tough, man. Those Packards are very hard to fi...

Well, I got a cousin, man. Ernesto. He'll take care of you.

Hey, guys, I don't see it.

It's a round sack. It's got beans in it.

Listen up, guys. We need to take this back to the boat.

Me and Jose are going to go buy some engine parts.

- Mr. Parker's in charge. - Why, thanks, Skip.

All right, guys, let's go. Head out!

Come on!

♪ ♪

Gruber, that's the place right there.

Uh, gee, Mr. Parker. McHale forgot something.

Really? What? Uh...

Oh. It's, uh... Olsen coaxial monitor cable.

An Olsen coaxial monitor cable? Yep.

Uh heck yeah, Mr. Parker. I can't tap into a Soviet satellite system

without a Olsen coaxial monitor cable.

Nope. Well, of course.

We'll meet you back at the boat. Yeah.

- Right. - Wait a minute.

You guys better get, um, two of those, uh, Olsen coaxial monitor cables...

- just to be on the safe side. - Right.

- That's why you're the C.O. - Always thinkin'.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ Ese neuvo ♪

Boys, every man for himself.

♪ Ese neuvo ♪ Buenos noches, senorita.

- Buena - Are you nueve in town?

Bartender, dos martinis, por favor.

Is this called “poker”?

I would like so much to learn the game...

and bring it back to my native land.

But I only have a couple of hundred dollars.

Ahh!

Rack 'em, amigo.

And... it's your roll, banana bud.

Okay.

Okay, let's just roll, okay? Let's go.

Oh. God Oh!

Ernesto?

That's me.

Armando! Oh, yeah. We're twins.

I thought you were cousins. Uh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. We're... Yeah. We're twin cousins, man.

It's funny, man. Everybody in my family, we all look alike, man.

Even my dog, man, looks just like me.

Hey, you want boat parts, man? I got something to show you.

Come here.

Check it out, man.

Twin turbos, nitrous injected.

I really put my heart into this, man.

I don't think I can sell it.

Well, maybe I can.

All right. Load it up.

You heard the man. Load it up, man!

♪ Baby baby, won't you hear my ♪ You're cheating.

Let me see your dice.

Just as I thought... Loaded dice.

Who raised you, monkey?

I did. That's my monkey.

Well, I can kinda see the resemblance.

♪ Baby baby, won't you hear my plea ♪

Oh...

Heh-heh-heh.

Hey, Happy. What are you doin'?

- Well, it appears I insulted a monkey. - Hey!

Thank you. I'm sorry.

Whoa!

Yes, well, my stuntmen have arrived.

Excuse me. I've got to go rehearse.

Hey, Happy. How you doin'?

Peachy. Behind ya.

Duck.

- Yaaaah! - Hey, hey!

- Hey, Virg. How's that rehearsal goin'? - Uh, fine, Willie.

I think it's your cue.

Thank you.

Looked pretty real, didn't it?

Did I ever tell you about the time I... Whoa! Aaah!

Hey, Christy. Today!

Get a haircut.

Policia!

Whoa. Whoa, whoa! All right, all right!

Seems like beginners luck.

Well, look at the time I think I hear my ride.

Uh, I'm in the San Ysidro book.

You Commies fight like a bunch of girls.

- Hey, Parker. Where's the guys? - Oh, they'll be back soon.

They went back to get those Olsen coaxial monitor cable things you forgot.

- Oh, Chuck. - Oh, boy.

Skip. Skip, the guys got busted by the cops.

All right, you stay here, load up the boat. Come on!

Si. Si, that's what I said

Huh? Four American Navy sailors.

Bueno!

Manuel! These four men will be my calling card...

to meet el Presidente,

the man who has given me, given our people all of this.

Hey, Senor.

- We wanna call our embassy. - Yeah? Well, you just shut up!

You Anglo yankee pig dog.

That was a good one.

What?

El Presidente!

Release the American pig dogs into our custody.

Manuel, go get the prisoners.

It is such an honor, el Presidente.

I was just telling Manuel here it has been my lifelong dream to meet you.

What's that, el Presidente?

El Presidente said he would be honored to have the cigars...

of the brave men who captured the Americans.

Of course!

What's ours is el Presidente's.

In that case, he'd be honored to have your shirt, tie,

sunglasses and... why not... Your pants too.

Manuel, el Presidente has honored us.

He is asking for our ties and our shirts and our sunglasses...

and... why not... Our pants too, eh?

And now we'll bring the American dogs to the pound.

Wait! Presidente, por favor uno foto, eh?

Oh, el Presidente would love to take a photo.

But el Presidente is in such a big hurry!

How dare you give me orders! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Why are you pinching el Presidente?

Oh! Oh! Arrivederci!

Presidente! It's so nice to meet you.

El Presidente.

All right, guys. We've only got a few hours, so let's get set up.

Hey-

How did my father die, McHale?

Well, you know, I probably shouldn't be talkin'...

about top-secret stuff like that with an 11-year-old.

Was a good-lookin' man, wasn't he?

Yeah, we were best friends. He was a lot of fun.

And he really loved you.

He was also a great soldier.

Very brave.

He found out that Vladakov was a bad guy and had set us all up.

Your dad ended up saving a lot of lives, including mine.

Trouble was, he couldn't save his own.

I'll kill Vladakov myself!

No. I lost your dad, and I'm not gonna lose you.

I'm gonna get him. I guarantee it.

- What if he gets you first? - I'm not a bettin' man, but...

Wait a minute. I am a bettin' man.

I'm gonna bet on me, and I think you should too.

Everything's gonna be okay, kid.

All right?

Now, listen. I need to go take a shower.

So you know what that means?

Don't flush. That's right.

Major, everything seems to be on schedule,

uh, except for the core cylinder.

And where is it? They promised it soon.

- The plane! The plane! - Don't shoot.

It's one of ours.

Aaah! Our new cylinder has arrived.

- And look! There's a note. - Yes?

“Dear Vladakov, We have found out about this.

"We are not very happy, you lying sack of... "

Brilliance, intestinal fortitude, flexibility in crisis...

a-and tolerance?

I've just flashed upon a happier time.

I would run.

Schnell! Schnell!

Hey, Skip. It's Cobra.

McHale, our operatives have discovered...

that Vladakov plans to destroy the Pentagon.

It must be 'cause they're havin' that world conference on terrorism this week.

Right. And the President's gonna be there along with heads of 27 other countries.

Boy, he wants to be number one real bad.

He's a loose cannon and he knows how we operate. Be careful.

We will, sir. I've got a great crew and we've got the equipment we need.

We're gonna be ready to go in about an hour.

- McHale. - Hey, I thought you killed that guy.

- Ow! - Did I get him?

Not quite, sir.

- So, is this gonna work? - I hope so.

Don't let that idiot Binghampton get in your way.

He's too busy gettin' in his own way, sir.

- Hey, you still stockin' that good cognac? - Yeah. Why?

Because when I get down there this afternoon with the SEAL team...

we'll need somethin' to toast with when it's all over.

- All right, then. - We'll talk soon.

Aye-aye.

- Major! Major! Hurry! - If you ever dare to intrude upon my shower again,

I shall make sure that your death will be slow,

public and require at least six separate coffins.

Do you understand?

Wait a minute. Aren't you the one I told to alert me...

when the time was growing near, so that I would not miss the big moment?

Well, then.

I'm... sorry.

No problem.

Ladies and gentlemen, and now it's time

To say good evening to my old pal, Happy

Yeah! Happy!

Happy, now I see you're all dressed up.

- Now, is this for the party or for a court appearance? - A little lower.

How do you guys find a date?

“Mom, I wanna date my sister”

No, but seriously,

- you know, Happy, I have a girlfriend - McHale.

Hey, Carpenter. What brings you here?

Well, I came to tell you that I've come to the conclusion...

that Binghampton is an idiot.

But... what are you doing?

Well, we're havin' a “Save the World" party.

Come here.

- How's it iookin', Willie? - Uh, just lockin' in now. Wish me luck.

Wish you luck? I'm the one who has to get up there onstage.

- How much time we got? - Ninety seconds.

Ninety seconds. Wait right here.

- How long? - Seventy-five seconds, sir.

- Where's your dinghy, sailor? - Why, it's where it always is, sir.

Is it hooked up to the masthead? No, that was just like...

McHale, what is going on?

Vladakov's trying to steal satellite codes...

so he can launch a missile that could kill a lot of people.

- Go on. - So we got all this stuff...

so we could jam his link to the satellite.

Hopefully, this show will be the only transmission he receives.

- But why the comedy club? Why all this stuff? - Look at these people.

A few days ago, they got their village burned to the ground

but they're here laughin' their heads off.

That's what I love about these guys... their strength.

That's why I do my best to protect 'em.

- Uh, Skip? It's time. - Okay.

Be right back.

Starting countdown at 20..

19, 18, 17, 16

15,14,13,12,11...

- Six, five - Four, three

NOW!

Buenos noches, mujeres y caballeros!

- And welcome to McHa-Ha-Hale's Mambo Party! - What is this?

I'm not sure, sir.

So let's get the show r-r-r-r-r-rolling!

Our first performer- ya know him, ya love him.

He's the hardest-working smuggler on the black market.

Give it up for Quinton McHale!

♪ ♪ Thank you, Ensign Parker.

It's good to see ya back in men's clothing.

McHale!

I'm supposed to tell you about our drink special tonight...

"Stolen Vodka Surprise."

- We stole Vladakov's vodka. - Surprise!

So this guy comes up to me and he says, “You know you shouldn't smoke.”

We are in a new era.

If we do not devise some greater and more equitable...

Anybody here from San Felipe?

Okay, come on. You're embarrassing me.

And I've got a very special guest here tonight.

Let's show a little respect for Lieutenant Penelope Carpenter.

Now, let's give her big San Moreno welcome! Yes!

Yeah!

- This guy goes to this house of ill repute- - I'm sorry.

I-I don't know what has happened.

I can't seem to stop the transmission.

How is this possible? You have to fix this!

This is horrible! Oh, I don't know.

I thought the black guy was pretty good.

I mean, compared to the fat white guy.

You don't really want to shoot me, do you?

Mm-mmm.

You!

Here. Your lunch.

- Thank you. - No problem.

Oh, my God.

A completely unmotivated, random killing.

All right, now I'd like to introduce you to the Amazing Christy.

It's amazing what he can do with an I.Q. of 40.

- What do you do for a living? Are you an astronaut? - Hey. Let's talk.

Come on.

Knock it off, Virgil This is harder than it looks.

Now I just gotta figure out what Vladakov's really up to.

If he just wanted to steal satellite codes, he wouldn't go about it in this way.

He was a double agent under Noriega,

and Cobra and I lost the chance to put him away for good during the invasion.

Unfortunately, intelligence underestimated the size of Noriega's security force...

and didn't give you enough backup.

- Yeah. - I did my thesis...

on the Panama action while I was at the Academy.

That's good. Have a seat.

That's right. You were the first female through the Academy.

- Yes, sir. - Boy, you put up with a lot of crap.

True.

But I really didn't have another option.

I love the Navy.

Why'd you quit the Navy, Quinton?

Well, Penelope, I quit the Navy...

'cause I got tired of comin' home from missions

and havin' another Binghampton waitin' to give me orders.

- Have I mentioned I don't like that guy? - Yes, which is why I came.

- He is really itching to go after Vladakov himself. - That figures

Guys like Binghampton are always willing to get men killed for their own egos.

I had a man in my unit... Robert Valenzuela... who was from here.

Bravest man I ever worked with.

Vladakov killed him down in Panama.

- I bet that wasn't in your thesis. - I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

The Navy wouldn't acknowledge our mission, so his family got nothing.

So I decided that I would take care of his son and his family.

Little did I know he was related to every single person on this island.

But that's what I do now, and I like it.

I-I should really go check on Binghampton.

- I-I'll let you know. - Yeah.

- Do that. - Okay.

Drive safe.

Speed is the essence of war.

Take advantage of the enemy's unpreparedness,

travel by unexpected routes,

and strike the enemy where he has taken no precaution!

Fall out! Hit the boat!

Sir, what are you doing?

This is my moment of destiny, Carpenter.

This is not your mission, sir. It is McHale's.

I'm going to have to notify him.

This is an invasion, Lieutenant.

No communications get off this base except through me. Understood?

Why are you doing this, sir?

Listen to me, Carpenter.

Cobra's going to retire soon. They'll be looking for someone to replace him.

Let's just say that Wallace B. Binghampton is about to submit his resume.

Sir?

Respectfully... you're nuts.

The Navy has a word for officers like you: “prisoner.”

S.P., the lieutenant is confined to the brig.

Escort her there immediately.

Aye-aye, sir. Lieutenant?

See you on CNN, Carpenter.

- I'm really sorry about this, Lieutenant. - Aw, don't worry about it.

Look, you don't happen to have a steel plate in your head or anything, do you?

- No. - Good.

Sorry about that.

Major, I hope this is good news.

The logistics involved in getting three men...

of such different temperaments together is just- - Forget that.

We are all here. What is it you want?

Gentlemen, I am proud to report that the missile is on its way.

- Excellent! - Very good. - Congratulations.

Well, thank you.

I think this will go a long way in making you the number one terrorist in the world.

- Oh, you think so? - Absolutely. When can we celebrate?

In, uh, just about ten seconds.

But first, I have just one question:

do you happen to know if your check has cleared?

Definitely! I guarantee it.

Well, then, let's celebrate now.

Hmm. All right.

- To the new world order. - New world order.

To no world order.

Hmm?

What's that?

Don't judge me, David.

You're hindering my spiritual growth.

Clear!

Get that line! Up the port side.

Bitchin'. You guys did a heck of a job on this boat.

- Thanks. - Looks great.

Uh-oh. Look at that.

Three days ago, she wouldn't talk to me. Now I can't get rid of her.

Quint, Binghampton's going after Vladakov.

- We better get over there, men. Gear up. - But the boat's not ready.

Then you better make it ready, mister. Come on.

- Sir? - What?

- The compound is over here. - Oh.

Looks like nobody's around.

- This is really weird. - Well, obviously, the little cowards are hiding.

- I'll just have to flush them out. - Uh, sir...

That should get their attention.

Oops.

I don't suppose that's Binghampton.

- Spread out! - Aye-aye, sir!

It, uh, looks like the mission is accomplished, sir.

- Damn right. - Binghampton.

- What's goin' on? - Well, look here. The great McHale arrives...

after the battle is over.

And who's with him? Penelope Carpenter...

the former promising lieutenant turned P.T. groupie.

- What happened here? - It's obvious.

I stormed, and I conquered.

And when Cobra arrives, he'll see who stepped in to clean up your mess.

- Cobra's coming down here? - Yes, and I intend to give him an earful...

about your recent indiscretions.

- McHale, this whole base was wired to blow up. - Ah, Parker. Another traitor.

Now, listen to me, McHale. There's no way you're gonna take this great victory away from me.

Now, I'm going to go and get ready to greet Cobra.

Come on, men.

Hey, Skip. Looks like there's nobody here.

Hey, guys.

Look what I found.

Vladakov's shrink. Doctor.

Where's Vladakov?

He shot me! After all my years of service listening to his complexes.

I opened my heart to him and look what I get for it!

- Where are Vladakov's men? - Ah. They all resigned.

This makes absolutely no sense at all.

Why set up all this and then not put up a fight?

Hey, Skip.

Take a look at this.

San Ysidro, this is Cobra One moving on final approach in 20 minutes.

That's affirmative, Cobra One. San Ysidro out.

Where did they tap into our vid-link?

By the look of all this stuff, they've had it the whole time.

Ahoy McHale. Sorry I couldn't be there to enjoy my fireworks,

but I've been planning a surprise party for our good buddy Cobra.

Sorry. You are not invited.

- He set us up! - Why would he have something against Cobra?

I don't know. We trained together. Cobra never cut him any slack.

But he's not crazy enough to go to all this trouble for that, is he?

- Oh, do you really have to ask? - We've gotta find Cobra.

Let's get to the boat, men.

Oh, yes. Yes!

How long before we land?

About 20 minutes, sir.

You guys see anything out there?

- Nothin' in this direction, Skip. - Got 'em! Straight ahead.

All right, guys. Get ready for anything

- Full speed ahead, Jose. - Right!

Now we are starting to boogie!

Hello, boy!

A P.T. boat?

There must be a crack in the Bermuda Triangle.

- What? - Uh, n-nothing, sir.

There's Vladakov!

Ah, McHale.

Sit!

There's a good dog.

Get ready, boys.

So, you want to play “Chicken,” huh?

Hold on!

Hang on! Hang on!

- Jose, kick in that nitrous! - Coming right up!

Virgil, let him know we're here.

Aye-aye, Skip.

McHale, I have someone here who wants to speak to you.

- "Say, “Hey, buddy." - McHale!

- Recognize the voice? - Hold your fire!

He's got Roberto!

Whoa. Incoming!

Hit the deck!

- Whoo! Yeah! - Whoo!

- What was that? - I think it was an explosion, sir.

- Let's go back and take a look. - Okay, sir.

- Nice shot, Carpenter. - Thanks.

- More power, Jose. Let's go. - You got it.

McHale, look!

- Good job, kid. - I'll get him, Skip.

- Thanks, Parker. - Eeeyaah!

I'm comin', buddy boy.

Just relax. Kick your feet.

What is that?

Let him have it!

- Oh. My God! - Hey!

- Jose, we need more power! - I'm givin' her all she's got!

- Is he still there? - I don't know. He's not on the radar, sir.

- Firing torpedo number one! - No, Skip! Not that one!

Sorry, Skip. I got a good deal on 'em in Havana.

You ever hear of a humidor, knucklehead?

- We're hit! We're hit! - All right, take her down for a landing!

Firing torpedo number two!

Hey, Vlady. How's your hemorrhoids?

Huh?

This is for Panama.

What a dick!

Yeah! Whoa! Aaaah!

Great job, guys. Now let's go pick up Cobra.

- Let's go! Everybody out! - Let's go, men!

Right down on the beach! Go ahead!

Watch out for that propeller. Let's go!

- Thanks a lot, little buddy. - No problem.

You know, I totally forgot about that inner-ear thing.

Hey! My whistle.

And it still works too.

Congratulations, young man.

Yes, congratulations are in order.

You men deserve these medals 'cause you earned them!

I'm proud of you.

The Navy is proud of you. God bless you all.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you, sir.

Right-hand salute.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Lieutenant Commander Carpenter.

Congratulations.

Uh... uh...

I never could pin one of these things on a woman.

Uh, hold out your hand, young lady.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I would like to present this commendation...

and this medal for bravery...

to the Navy's newest lieutenant, Charles T. Parker.

You, sir, embody the spirit and dedication...

that is in accordance with the highest Navy traditions.

Thank you, sir.

I guess I'd like to thank, uh, the Academy... the Naval Academy...

I'm just kiddin'.

Quinton, thanks for the save.

I want you to accept this medal and this brand-new ball field...

as a token of appreciation from the Navy for all your hard work.

- Thank you, Admiral. - What?

- Thanks, Dad. - All right!

- Hey, how's my old boat runnin'? - Well, it's old, but it can still kick a little ass.

Yeah!

Words from that old Negro spiritual...

That's enough, son.

And now, Roberto Valenzuela would like to make a special presentation.

McHale?

McHale, on behalf of the people from San Moreno,

we would like to thank you for saving our island.

To show our appreciation, we would like to give you a little gift.

Wow! It looks good. Sounds good too.

I guess I won't have to fiddle with it this time. Whoo!

How about a ride, Penelope?

You know the Navy's rules about fraternization between officers.

Well... looks like I'm retired again.

Whoo!

Whoo, yeah!

Hey, ump. Let's get the game started.

Uh, yes. Right away.

And McHale?

Congratulations. You too, Carpenter.

- Good... job. - Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

Play ball!

Whoo! Yeah!

Kids. Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Hey, Dad! Don't wait up for me!

Whoo!

DVD OCR Rip by JohnTheGoon. Feb 2014, Texas