Original subtitles

Announcer: PREVIOUSLY IN TEEN HORROR FILMS...

[TELEPHONE SPEED DIALS]

Telephone: HELLO, AND WELCOME TO MOVIEFONE.

IF YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THE MOVIE YOU'D LIKE TO SEE,

PRESS ONE.

TO CHOOSE FROM A LIST OF CURRENT, OVER-PRICED

BLOOD-SPLATTERED BLOCKBUSTERS,

PRESS 2.

FOR CHICK FLICKS WITH A GAY BEST FRIEND,

PRESS 3.

FOR BIG STUDIO BOMBS...

[TELEPHONE BEEPS]

PRESS 4.

FOR POLITICALLY CORRECT BUDDY MOVIES,

PRESS 5.

DAD?

[DISTORTED VOICE] HELLO, SYDNEY.

THIS ISN'T CINDY.

I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.

UH, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT NUMBER DID I DIAL?

WHO IS THIS?

[SHOES SQUEAK]

THE KILLER.

[TELEPHONE BEEPS]

IS THAT YOURS OR MINE?

IGNORE IT. I HAVE VOICE MAIL.

DO YOU LIKE MOVIES?

YEAH, SURE.

I RENTED SOME TONIGHT.

WHAT KIND OF MOVIES?

OH, THE USUAL: VASELINE ALLEY;

TWO GUYS, A GIRL, AND A HORSE;

A BIG BLACK...

I GET IT! I GET IT!

ANYWAY, DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE SPIKE LEE MOVIES?

LOOK. LAY OFF THE SPIKESTER. HE'S KEEPIN' IT REAL.

LET'S PLAY A GAME. DO YOU LIKE GAMES?

I GUESS.

ALL RIGHT.

A TRAIN LEAVES CHICAGO DOING 60 MILES AN HOUR...

MATH? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?

I'M A BEAUTIFUL, POPULAR RICH KID

WITH A PROMISING FUTURE IN A LIGHTWEIGHT SORORITY

AT A STATE COLLEGE.

I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT STUFF.

I'M GONNA GET MARRIED.

SHUT UP! SHUT UP, YOU NITWIT.

DO YOU THINK THIS STALKING THING IS EASY?

WHOA!

[SPLASH]

ARE YOU IN MY POOL?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

HELLO?

Operator: COLLECT CALL FROM...

Killer: THE KILLER.

WILL YOU ACCEPT THE CHARGES?

WHATEVER. GO AHEAD.

THANKS. NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

NOW, LOOK, GEEK.

NO. YOU LOOK.

IF YOU DON'T GET THIS NEXT QUESTION RIGHT,

YOU'RE DEAD MEAT.

WHO'S BURIED IN GRANT'S TOMB?

UH, HUGH GRANT.

I'M AFRAID NOT, GENIUS.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

OH! IT WAS AMY GRANT, WASN'T IT?

I WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.

[BLADE UNSHEATHES]

HEY, YOU'RE NOT MARILYN MELONS.

WHOA!

OOF!

[SHOES SQUEAKING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

YEAH, HOLD ON A MINUTE.

IT'S STACY.

HI. DO YOU MIND?

[SHOES SQUEAK]

NOTHING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, MY GOD. WHAT DID SHE SAY?

SHE IS SUCH A BITCH.

LOOK. I GOT TO GO. I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

OOH! OH! DAMN THAT NOSE.

I'M MELTING!

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S A SCREAM? ♪

♪ LITTLE BROWN EYES, SHE'S THE FIRST TO GO ♪

♪ IT'S A SCENE ♪

♪ THE DEVIL IS HUNGRY ♪

♪ HE'S THE STAR OF THE SHOW ♪

♪ HE'S A FIEND ♪

[MOANING]

♪ JUST A NIGHTMARE IN A GHOST MASK ♪

♪ MYSTERY ♪

♪ THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND ♪

♪ IS BLOWING IN THE WIND ♪

YO, WHAT'S UP?

UGH!

WATCH YOUR BACK. COMING THROUGH.

PARTY BEER. WHAT'S UP?

[POLICE RADIO SQUAWKS]

P.A.: GOOD MORNING, STUDENTS.

CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS WILL BE HELD AFTER SCHOOL

TODAY IN THE GYM. YOU MUST BE 18

AND COMFORTABLE WITH PARTIAL NUDITY.

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S A SCREAM? ♪

♪ LITTLE BROWN EYES, SHE'S THE FIRST TO GO ♪

♪ IT'S A SCENE ♪

♪ IT'S A SCREAM ♪

Boy: DID NOT!

Girl: DID, TOO.

DID NOT! DID, TOO.

DID NOT! DID, TOO!

MOM!

UH, WHOOPS.

ALL RIGHT, DAWSON. IF YOU JUST SIGN HERE,

YOU'LL BE OFFICIALLY REGISTERED

AT BULIMIA FALLS HIGH SCHOOL.

HEY, HEY, HEY, NEW KID.

SLAB, IS THAT THE WAY WE INTRODUCE OURSELVES

TO THE NEW KID?

SORRY, MISS PEACOCK.

[GASPS]

HA HA! 2 FOR FLINCHIN', NEW KID.

OH! UNH!

[GROANS]

HI. I'M DAWSON.

THAT'S BETTER.

Principal: WE HAVE RULES AT THIS SCHOOL, MISTER.

NO MEANS NO.

I'M NEVER GONNA GET LAID.

OH, DAWSON, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO PRINCIPAL INTEREST.

AHEM.

OH, I'M SORRY.

"THE ADMINISTRATOR FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCIPAL."

[RASPBERRY BERET PLAYS]

[SIZZLE, BANG]

WANNABE.

HEY, NEW KID.

WHOA. OH, GOD!

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S GONNA HAVE TO SHOW YOU THE ROPES.

BONER!

IT'S PRONOUNCED "BONNER," SIR.

THE "O" IS SOFT.

NOT ACCORDING TO RESUSCI-ANNIE.

JUST SHOW HIM AROUND.

AND FOR GOD'S SAKES, WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST.

MARY, YOU'RE NEXT.

HI. I'M BONNER.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YA.

UH-HUH.

OH, YEAH. "WITCH?" TRY "RHYMES WITH..."

CHARMED MY ASS. CALL ME!

DAMN SHANNEN DOHERTY.

HEY, NEW KID. I'M BARBARA.

HOW'D YOU LIKE A HERTZ DONUT?

I'D LOVE ONE. THANKS.

OW!

HURTS, DON'T IT?

HA HA!

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, MARTINA.

HEY, MRS. PEACOCK.

HEY, NEW KID.

[MOANS]

[SEXY MUSIC PLAYS]

[THINKING] WAIT A MINUTE.

IS SHE...

[BELL RINGS]

SO, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE NEWS?

WRESTLING IS FAKE?

I'M NOT PREGNANT?

HE WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT?

NO. ABOUT SCREW.

SLUT. WHORE.

DO YOU HAVE HER NUMBER?

WHO?

SCREW FROMBEHIND. SHE WAS KILLED,

MURDERED, GUTTED, FLAYED, SLICED,

DICED, FRIED, AND HUNG.

JESUS.

MM-HMM.

I'M NEVER GONNA GET LAID.

OH, YEAH.

AND IT'S ALL OVER THE TV AND NEWS.

OH, GREAT. NOW EVERYBODY KNOWS.

DO THEY KNOW WHO DID IT?

SOME GUY IN A GHOST MASK.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND SCARY.

STORE-BOUGHT?

EWW. EWW.

OH. OOH.

P.A.: ATTENTION, STUDENTS.

THE FIGHT BETWEEN THE BLOODS AND THE CRIPS

IS POSTPONED UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY.

REFRESHMENTS AND A LOVELY DANCE WILL FOLLOW.

WELL, AT LEAST I FEEL SAFE HERE.

HI, CHUCKY.

WANNA PLAY?

WE'LL DEFINITELY BE OK AT SCHOOL.

YEAH. NOTHING CAN HAPPEN TO US HERE.

[BOMB BEEPS]

[MACHINE GUN FIRE]

THIS IS THE KIND OF THING YOU READ ABOUT.

BOOKS ARE PRETTY.

OH, MY GOD. HE'S RIGHT.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

KIDS GET KILLED EVERY DAY.

THIS IS HIGH SCHOOL.

Slab: NO, DAWSON. THIS KID WAS WHITE.

SO?

AND SHE WAS POPULAR, LIKE ME.

OH.

I HOPE THAT'S BARBARA WALTERS.

WHAT A RACK.

HI. I'M HAGITHA UTSLAY FROM EMPTY-V NEWS.

KIDS, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...

Hagitha: WAIT. IS THAT DAWSON?

TAPE THIS.

CHOP-CHOP, YOU FAT RAT BASTARD!

HI. I'M HAGITHA UTSLAY LIVE FROM BULIMIA FALLS HIGH,

WHERE WE'RE SURROUNDED HERE

BY A GROUP OF INNOCENT STUDENTS,

MOST IMPORTANTLY, DAWSON DEERY...

STUDENT, DRUM MAJOR,

AND INSPIRATION FOR MY BEST-SELLING BOOK:

DAWSON IS A MURDERER.

THAT BOOK SUCKED.

NOT ACCORDING TO OPRAH.

IT WAS HER PICK OF THE MONTH.

SO WAS CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BUTT.

DOESN'T MEAN I KILLED ANYONE.

NOW STAY AWAY FROM ME.

OH, COME ON, DAWSON.

ISN'T IT TRUE THAT YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY

WAS MURDERED UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES

WHILE YOU WERE SUPPOSEDLY AT... "CAMP"?

HUH?

HUH.

HUH?

UGH.

[BELL RINGS]

All: OOH!

BITCH WENT DOWN!

JUST LIKE HOME.

Boner: DAMN!

YEAH. THAT, AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE A BOXING TEAM.

GUYS, THAT IS NO WAY TO TREAT A LADY.

UNLESS SHE BURNS THE TOAST.

THAT'S NO LADY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ANYWAY, DOUGHY?

YOU'RE NOT A REAL COP.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE GUARDING THE ORANGE JULIUS?

N.Y.P.D. GAP.

SERGEANT SEARS.

FOOD COURT POLICE.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS

MALL SECURITY IS JUST AS IMPORTANT

AS THE REAL POLICE?

IT IS!

LOITERING AND STEALING PENNIES FROM THE FOUNTAIN

ARE SERIOUS CRIMES THAT CARRY...

MOM SAYS YOU'RE A LOSER ANYWAY.

WELL, MOM SAYS YOU GOT A FAT ASS.

DAD LEFT BECAUSE HE HATED YOU.

NO. HE LEFT BECAUSE HE HATED YOU.

WELL, HE WASN'T EVEN YOUR REAL DAD ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, I READ YOUR DIARY,

MISS "BOO-HOO, MY GYM TEACHER MOLESTED ME."

DORK. DYKE.

WHAT?

Hagitha: EXCUSE ME.

I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT THIS FAMILY REUNION,

BUT ARE YOU ACTUALLY WORKING ON THIS CASE,

OFFICER, UH...

UH, PRIMESSUSPEKT, DOUGHY PRIMESSUSPEKT,

AND YES, I AM.

IT TECHNICALLY FALLS UNDER MY JURISDICTION

BECAUSE THE KILLER'S COSTUME WAS STOLEN

FROM THE SPENCERS AT MY MALL.

THAT, AND, UH, YOU KNOW,

WHOOPEE CUSHIONS AND SOME FAKE DOG SHIT.

PARDON ME... CANINE SHIT.

WHO CARES ABOUT THAT CRAP?

I DO.

A COOL KID WAS GUTTED LAST NIGHT.

COME ON. IT'S PROBABLY

SOME HARMLESS HIGH-SCHOOL PRANK.

LOOK. THIS IS LAME.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

HEY, YOU GUYS. I GOT AN IDEA.

LET'S ALL MAKE A PACT TO LOSE OUR VIRGINITIES

BEFORE GRADUATION.

I'M IN.

Other kids: WE'RE NOT.

YEAH. ME, NEITHER.

Slab: YEAH!

WHOO!

YEAH.

LITTLE BASTARDS.

I COULD JUST KILL 'EM.

YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU?

I'M JUST KIDDING YOU. NO, REALLY.

YOU DIDN'T KILL 'EM, DID YOU?

SO, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE NETWORK REPORTERS, HUH?

ACTUALLY, CABLE...

BUT IT'S JUST AS IMPORTANT.

OH, IT'S MORE IMPORTANT.

BECAUSE ON CABLE, YOU CAN SEE BUTTS AND BOOBIES,

AND YOU CAN SAY "BULLSHIT" AND "BASTARD."

SO, DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE ANY INSIDE DIRT?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.

[GASPS]

KILLER BOOT.

THANKS. I LIKE YOURS, TOO.

OH, THANKS.

SO, UM, I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

I HOPE SO.

OH. SORRY.

IT'S OK.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

COME ON, LARD ASS!

I'M GONNA KEEP MY EYE ON HER.

SHE'S GOT CLASS.

[MAN SCREAMS]

[PULP FICTION-LIKE MUSIC PLAYING]

P.A.: ATTENTION, STUDENTS.

THE BAND FUND-RAISER WILL BE HELD NEXT THURSDAY

IN THE AUDITORIUM.

LIQUOR IN THE FRONT, POKER IN THE REAR.

[SIZZLES]

[GIRL MOANS]

OH.

[AIR HISSES]

[POP] [GIRL SCREAMS]

[POP] [SCREAM]

I DIDN'T DO IT.

WE DIDN'T SAY YOU DID IT.

BONER, YOU COULDN'T GET LAID AT LILITH FAIR,

MUCH LESS KILL SOMEBODY.

I COULD, TOO.

WELL, KILL SOMEBODY, I MEAN.

I COULD KILL ALL OF YOU.

BUT I WOULDN'T!

[SIGHS]

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. I DIDN'T DO IT.

NOW, SLAB...

HE'S A KILLER.

JUST LOOK AT THOSE EARLOBES...

WAY LOW.

REALLY?

OOH.

SKINNY MIRROR.

MAN, THAT GUY LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR.

THAT'S SPACEY, DAWSON.

HE'S BANGING THE FRENCH TEACHER.

REALLY?

SHE'S FROM FRANCE.

PARIS, FRANCE.

MADAME LA TOURNEAU. [PURRS]

YEAH. HE SAYS THE SEX IS AWESOME.

LUCKY DOG.

AU REVOIR, SPACEY.

CALL ME LATER.

SAY, "BYE-BYE, PAPA. BYE-BYE."

[BABY CRIES]

HEY, MARTINA.

NO, BONER.

HEY, DAWSON.

DO YOU HAVE ANY LOTION I CAN BORROW?

IT'S FOR MY RASH.

I GOT TO GO TO CLASS.

[BELL RINGS]

Teacher: OK. OK. SETTLE DOWN, CLASS.

SETTLE DOWN. DOWN. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.

I'M YOUR SUBSTITUTE... MRS. TINGLE.

[GUNS COCK]

TODAY WE'RE GOING TO BE STUDYING

ABOUT THE PERSECUTION OF THE JEWISH PEOPLE.

WHO CAN TELL ME

WHAT THE VERB IS IN THIS SENTENCE?

SABRINA? MOESHA? DARIA?

OOH, EEH? OOH, AH, AH?

Mrs. Tingle: WHO CAN TELL ME

IF FRANKENSTEIN WAS CIRCUMCISED?

Woman: MARTINA,

DON'T FORGET TO GIVE GRANDMA HER LAXATIVE.

I WON'T.

[GURGLING]

SLAB, I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU WON'T HAVE ANY ROOM FOR BEER.

WHOA! HEY!

WHOO! THAT WAS CLOSE.

WHOO, MAN, IF I WRECKED, MY DAD WOULD KILL ME.

HAND ME A BEER.

GUYS, OUR SENIOR YEAR IS GONNA BE THE BEST EVER.

I'M THE NEW KIELBASA QUEEN.

AND I JUST GOT ACCEPTED TO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL, BABY.

I JUST GOT A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT

LIVING IN MY HOUSE. SHE'S SWEDISH.

AND I JUST GOT A "D" IN MATH!

Slab and Boner: YEAH!

SLAB, LOOK OUT!

All: AAH!

[TIRES SCREECH]

I THINK I HIT SOMETHING.

OH, I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.

[POP]

YEP, I'VE GOT A FEVER.

SLAB, YOU GOT BLOOD ALL OVER YOU.

OH, THAT'S NO PROBLEM.

IT COMES OUT WITH A LITTLE TEQUILA.

HA HA. OLD SCOUT TRICK.

SLAB, GIVE ME A HAND.

WASN'T THAT TROPHY ENOUGH?

YES, BUT WE HAVE TO DUMP THIS DEER.

ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE.

CAN EVERYBODY KEEP A SECRET?

[FOGHORN]

[WOMAN GROANS]

[FARTS]

Woman: MARTINA-AAH.

[FART]

[GROANS]

[CRASH]

YES. THIS NEVER HAPPENED.

[SPLASH]

[MAN HUMMING]

Mrs. Tingle: WHO CAN TELL ME

HOW TO CONJUGATE THE VERB "EXPIRE"?

DOUGHY. THAT'S AN INTERESTING NAME.

THANKS. IT'S MY DAD'S NAME.

HE'S A BAKER.

HAGITHA...

NOW THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME.

THANKS. MY FRIENDS CALL ME HAG.

OH, DO THEY? THAT'S SO CUTE.

DAMN IT. SHE'S FLAT!

ACTUALLY, THEY'RE "C" CUPS.

I GUESS I GOT TO GET THESE THINGS REDONE.

DOUGHY...

UH, DOUGHY, I WAS WONDERING,

HOW DID YOU GET INTO THIS LINE OF WORK?

WELL, I GOT TOO FAT FOR THE BALLET,

AND I COULD NEVER GET MY BULGE RIGHT,

YOU KNOW, SO I FIGURED WHAT THE HELL.

[CHUCKLES]

HAGITHA...

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

WELL, NOT YET.

OH, MAIL ORDER, HUH?

YEAH. I'VE TRIED THAT A FEW TIMES MYSELF.

LISTEN. IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT,

WOULD YOU LET ME KNOW?

I SURE WILL.

THANK YOU. YEAH.

[TWEET] OW!

OK. TIFFANY, AMBER, INTO THE CHAIR.

COME ON. SHAKE IT!

MAMA.

LADIES.

NOW, I NEED A VOLUNTEER.

BONER!

YOU LOOK LIKE A VICTIM. YOU'RE UP.

BUT, MR. HASSELHOF, I-I-I CAN'T SWIM.

PERFECT. NO.

AAH!

MARCO!

OH! I WANT TO LIVE.

OH, YEAH. I WANT TO LIVE.

YEAH. RIGHT NOW, PLEASE.

YEAH.

NOT SO MUCH TONGUE, AMBER.

NOW, THIS IS A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE

OF MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.

SOME OF YOU MAY WANT TO PRACTICE THIS AT HOME

OR, IF YOU'D LIKE TO STAY AFTER CLASS,

I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO POINT OUT...

Both: EWW!

BONER!

IT'S BONNER, SIR.

NOT AT THE MOMENT.

[WHIMPERS]

YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE THIS GETS TO THE GOVERNOR

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

IT'S MY LAST CHANCE, LITTLE BROTHER.

OTHERWISE, I'LL FRY.

DON'T WORRY, JIMMY.

YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.

TIME'S UP, BONER!

IT'S BONNER, MA'AM.

NOT FOR LONG. DEAD BONER WALKIN'!

[GATE BUZZES]

I HOPE YOU GUYS DON'T MIND,

I MAY HAVE TO GET HOME EARLY.

ME AND MILLIE, MY SWEDISH EXCHANGE STUDENT,

ARE ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE KAMA SUTRA.

OH, BONNER, I DON'T WANT TO SHARE YOU.

YEAH. WHAT'S SHE GOT THAT WE DON'T HAVE?

A TWIN SISTER.

[GASPS]

SLAB, LOOK OUT!

AAH!

CAN EVERYBODY KEEP A SECRET?

Jimmy's voice: I'LL FRY.

[ECHOED] FRY...

[LIGHT BUZZES]

YES. THIS NEVER HAPPENED.

[SPLASH]

[WHIMPERS]

I'M NEVER GONNA GET LAID.

[HARD ROCK PLAYING]

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

[BEEP]

"I KAN... KANOW...

"KANOW. I K-NOW WH...

[GRUNTS]

"WH-WHAT...

"I K-NOW WHAT YEH...

"YEOW...

"I K-NOW WHAT YOU..."

Martina: SLAB, I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.

REALLY, DARLING?

YOUR CONCERN IS ADMIRABLE

BUT COMPLETELY WITHOUT MERIT.

I'M DOING SPLENDIDLY!

ANYONE READ THAT ARTICLE

IN THE TIMES SCIENCE SECTION LAST WEEK?

IT SEEMS GENE SPLICING IS ALL THE RAGE.

SLAB, LOOK OUT!

AAH!

CAN EVERYBODY KEEP A SECRET?

UH-HUH.

Man: SLAB, I'M LOOKING FOR YOUR UNCLE LOU'S URN.

WE'RE SCATTERING HIS ASHES TODAY.

HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

[CHOKES]

NO!

[COUGHS]

YES. THIS NEVER HAPPENED.

[SPLASH]

"SHAN... SHANU... CHANAK..."

[BELL RINGS]

"CHAN... CHANAKA... CHANA... KHAN... CHACHI..."

[SHOES SQUEAK]

[SIGHS]

BARBARA,

I'M AFRAID IT'S WORSE THAN WE FEARED.

NURSE KEVORKIAN, YOU MEAN...?

YES, BARBARA, YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA

[GASPS] AND GONORRHEA

[GASPS] AND SYPHILIS

[GASPS] AND CRABS.

[BIG GASP]

WHEW. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA SAY I HAD HERPES.

OH, YES, AND HERPES.

DAMN THOSE STARBUCKS' TOILET SEATS.

NOW, YOUNG LADY,

ISN'T THERE SOMEBODY SPECIAL

YOU WISH TO MAKE AWARE OF YOUR CONDITION?

YOU MEAN LIKE A TEACHER OR MY DAD?

WELL, I WAS THINKING MORE LIKE A BOYFRIEND.

OH. DO YOU HAVE A YEARBOOK?

[SIGHS]

BARBARA, BARBARA,

PLEASE TAKE SOME ADVICE FROM A WOMAN

WHO'S HAD SOME EXPERIENCE IN THIS AREA.

I WISH TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING

THAT WE IN THE HEALTH PROFESSION

REFER TO AS "HITTING SKINS."

"KNOCKING BOOTS..."

"DOING THE NASTY..."

"BUMPING UGLIES?"

I'M TALKING ABOUT SEX, DEAR.

OH.

SEX CAN BE A BEAUTIFUL, SENSUAL EXPERIENCE

BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN

WHO TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER

AND WANT TO SHARE ETERNITY

LAYING IN EACH OTHER'S GENTLE EMBRACE...

OR IT CAN BE A DIRTY, FILTHY SPANKFEST

IN A BUS STATION BATHROOM

SHARED BY 2 ANONYMOUS CONSENTING ADULTS

ON A LAYOVER IN DETROIT,

AND NOBODY EVER NEED KNOW.

[SIGHS]

WELL, I THINK YOU GOT MY POINT.

NOW, UH, SHOULD WE GO AND LOOK AT YOUR X-RAYS?

X-RAYS WITH A PAP SMEAR?

OH, WE'RE VERY THOROUGH HERE.

I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THIS WHITE SPOT IS.

Nurse: YOU KNOW,

A PAIR OF TUBE SOCKS WORKS EVER SO MUCH BETTER.

WHY, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,

I HAD THIS EXPERIENCE I'LL NEVER FORGET.

THERE WERE 3 OF US, 3 OF US IN ONE BED.

[NURSE KEVORKIAN LAUGHS]

[MOANS]

Woman: BARBARA, HONEY!

I'M EXPECTING THE REVEREND JOHNSON TODAY.

DID HE COME YET?

ALMOST!

[MOANS]

BARBARA, I COULD NEVER BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU.

OR SWALLOW AS MUCH SAUSAGE.

CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

NO. ME! NO. ME!

RELAX. THERE'S PLENTY OF BARBARA TO GO AROUND.

TODAY MISS KIELBASA QUEEN. TOMORROW THE WORLD.

CARMEN ELECTRA, WATCH YOUR BACK.

SLAB, LOOK OUT!

All: AAH!

CAN EVERYBODY KEEP A SECRET?

[GASPS]

YES. THIS NEVER HAPPENED.

[SPLASH]

[BELL RINGS]

...AND THAT'S HOW I KNEW I WASN'T A LESBIAN.

NOW, BARBARA, I THINK YOU NEED

TO TAKE THIS SAFE-SEX KIT WITH YOU.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MAY NEED IT.

I GOT TO GO.

ALL RIGHT,

BUT IT MAY NOT BE HERE WHEN YOU COME BACK.

OH-HO.

HEY, DOUGHY.

HEY, BABY.

CHICKEN?

A LITTLE, BUT IT'S MY JOB.

DO YOU HAVE ANY NEW SUSPECTS YET?

WELL, WE'RE CHECKING OUT EVERYONE IN TOWN.

ANY NEW DEVELOPMENTS?

YEAH, MY VACATION PICTURES.

OH.

WHO'S THAT, YOUR GRANDMOTHER?

WITH THE BONG? YEAH.

GLAUCOMA?

SPRING BREAK.

THAT'S ME.

OOH. NO TAN LINES.

I FEEL LIKE A HOT DOG.

FOOT LONG?

AT LEAST.

I'M BUYING.

WHOA!

I'VE GOT A WEIRD FEELING, DAWSON.

WAIT TILL YOU EAT THE TUNA TACOS.

NO. I MEAN, SCREW BEING KILLED.

OH, THAT.

THERE'S A CRAZED KILLER ON THE LOOSE, DAWSON.

THAT DEAD POPULAR KID

COULD'VE BEEN ANY ONE OF US.

BUT IT WASN'T. SO WHAT DO YOU CARE?

WHAT ABOUT NEXT TIME HE ATTACKS?

AND YOU KNOW HE WILL.

DO YOU HAVE A RESERVATION, SIR?

DAWSON.

PARTY OF FIVE?

WRONG NETWORK.

YES, OF COURSE, SIR.

RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT SO MUCH IF I WERE YOU.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE WITH ME.

DIDN'T YOUR WHOLE FAMILY GET CHOPPED UP

AND FED TO A FISH FARM?

ALLEGEDLY.

AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SPECIAL

HE'D WANT TO KILL YOU, ANYWAY?

WELL, BECAUSE I GOT THIS.

AND HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S A HE?

BECAUSE...

SERIAL KILLERS AND DENTISTS ARE ALWAYS MEN.

I SAY ROOFIES ARE BULLSHIT.

I TAKE THEM BEFORE EVERY DATE,

AND I NEVER GET LAID.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT TAKING ENOUGH.

YOU GOT ONE, TOO?

Barbara: IF THAT'S WHAT I THINK IT IS,

I GOT ONE.

PRESCRIPTION FOR GYNE-LOTRIMIN?

OH, WRONG PAPER.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

I THINK I GOT ONE, TOO.

WHAT DOES YOURS SAY, SLAB?

"SHANU-SHA-SHA..."

GIVE ME THAT.

THAT'S IT. WE'RE ALL TARGETS.

OH, GOD.

I KNEW MY BEAUTY WOULD BE A CURSE.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS EVERYBODY GOT A NOTE.

WE'RE ALL IN DANGER.

NOT EVERYBODY.

UNH.

FINE. HAPPY NOW?

"YOU MAY ALREADY BE A VICTIM."

Man: BAD! BAD DEER!

BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD!

[DRY-VOMITS]

NO MORE SALT LICK.

DEERS DON'T TALK!

[GROANS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[FARTS]

Slab: WHAT'S THAT?

Martina: SLAB, LOOK OUT!

Dawson: AAH!

NO! I JUST ATE!

[SPLASH]

All: YES. THIS NEVER HAPPENED.

WOW! WHAT DID YOU WIN?

DUH, EINSTEIN. IT MEANS DAWSON'S

THE FIRST ONE ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK.

WHAT A RELIEF.

BIG DEAL... NOTES.

IT'S PROBABLY JUST SOME KID PLAYING A JOKE.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, IT IS HALLOWEEN.

AND FRIDAY THE 13th.

ON THE SAME DAY? IMPOSSIBLE.

SLAB'S DYSLEXIC.

BESIDES, A KID COULDN'T WRITE THAT.

AT LEAST NOT A KID IN PUBLIC SCHOOL.

UNLESS HE WAS JAPANESE.

BUT THEY'RE NOT HISTORICALLY

SERIAL KILLERS.

UH-UH-UH. WHAT ABOUT GODZILLA?

NOT TECHNICALLY JAPANESE.

HE WAS BORN IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS.

AHH, SO...

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WE? NOTHING, DIPSHIT.

AND HOW DO I KNOW IT'S NOT ONE OF YOU GUYS?

WELL, WE COULD MAKE HANDWRITING SAMPLES.

SLAB'S OUT.

WHOO-HOO! NOT A KILLER!

RIGHT HERE! NOT A KILLER!

WAIT A SECOND.

JUST BECAUSE HE CAN'T READ

DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT THE KILLER.

YEAH. LOOK AT THE CLINTONS.

Others: WHAT?

NO. THIS IS STUPID, AND YOU'RE STUPID.

WHY WOULD WE WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER?

YEAH. SO WHAT IF SLAB LOST MY TERM PAPER

AFTER HE COPIED IT AND TURNED IT IN AS HIS OWN

AND GOT AN "A."

YEAH. AND SO WHAT IF BARBARA TOLD EVERYONE

I GOT A SMALL "SHWONTZ."

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T.

EXACTLY. AND SO WHAT

IF BONER'S DAD WAS CHEATING WITH MY MOM,

LEADING TO HER DOWNWARD SPIRAL INTO ALCOHOLISM.

MY DAD IS WHAT?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY STRANGE,

IS SOMEHOW,

THE KILLER ALWAYS KNOWS WHERE WE ARE.

OOH. OOF.

All: YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE GOT TO DO?

WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

TO SOMEPLACE SAFE.

YEAH, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...

IN THE DARK WOODS AND POURING RAIN...

WITHOUT ANY ADULT SUPERVISION

OR POLICE PROTECTION ANYWHERE IN THE NEAR VICINITY.

AND I KNOW JUST THE PLACE. IT'S TOTALLY DESERTED

EVER SINCE THOSE DORKY KIDS WERE DISMEMBERED.

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BAND CAMP?

WAIT A SECOND. THIS IS STUPID.

LET'S JUST ALL GO TO ONE OF YOUR HOUSES.

HEY, THAT'S COOL.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN.

THEY WON'T BOTHER US.

NO. LET'S GO TO MY HOUSE.

MY PARENTS ARE LOCKED IN THE BASEMENT.

THEY'LL TOTALLY LEAVE US ALONE.

Barbara: NO, MY HOUSE.

MY PARENTS ARE DIVORCED,

AND I SPEND THE WEEKENDS WITH MY DAD,

BUT HE TRIES TO MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME

BY LETTING ME GET AWAY WITH MURDER.

[ALL GASP]

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO TO MY HOUSE.

MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.

ALL RIGHT! COOL.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE'LL STAY THERE THE NIGHT,

AND WE'LL BE SAFE.

OK, SO IT'S SETTLED, THEN.

WE'LL ALL MEET UP AT SLAB'S HOUSE.

UNTIL THEN, WATCH YOUR BACKS.

P.A.: WILL THE FOLLOWING STUDENTS

PLEASE REPORT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.

JACK MEOFF, MIKE CUNT, LOSE HER, AND HEYWOOD YOUBUMP.

AH, WELL, YOUR UM, READING SCORES

ARE AVERAGE, JIMMY,

BUT, UH, BUT YOU'RE KILLING ON A 12th-GRADE LEVEL.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'RE GONNA DO JUST FINE AT THE SEMINARY.

[BELL RINGS]

[COYOTE HOWLS]

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Woman: HOW ABOUT THAT MICHAEL DUNNE?

NOW THERE'S AN ASS THAT WON'T QUIT.

Second woman: YOU'RE TELLING ME.

HE'S IN MY THIRD PERIOD CLASS.

I'D LIKE TO JUMP HIS BONES.

[WOMEN LAUGH]

[TOILETS FLUSH]

HEY, DID YOU FINISH GRADING YOUR TERM PAPERS?

NO, I WAS TOO HUNG OVER.

DID YOU READ ANY OF YOURS?

NEVER READ THEM. WHO DOES?

HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET

AN UNREGISTERED HANDGUN?

YOU GOT 50 BUCKS?

UM...

I CAN GET IT BY FRIDAY.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

[SUBMARINE RADAR PINGING]

[DEEP BREATH]

[SCREAMS]

♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪

♪ DO WAAA ♪

♪ YOU'RE NEVER FRESH OUT OF TUNE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING THE KNIFE ♪

♪ WITH MENTALS THIS WILL BE YOUR NIGHT ♪

♪ LADY LUCK WILL LIFT YOU UP ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE SPORTING FRESH BREATH ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU STRIKE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOUR DEATH GOES BETTER WITH MENTALS FRESHNESS ♪

♪ DEATH GOES BETTER WITH MENTALS FRESHNESS ♪

♪ DEATH GOES BETTER WITH YOU ♪

♪ WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT? ♪

JEEZ.

P.A.: ATTENTION, STUDENTS. TONIGHT'S P.T.A. MEETING

WILL BE HELD AT THE HOOTERS RESTAURANT

IN GLENDALE.

PLEASE REMIND YOUR PARENTS.

ALSO, WHOEVER PUT REAL MEAT IN TODAY'S LUNCH,

PLEASE REMOVE IT.

MAN, THIS CAR SUCKS.

WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT.

[SNORTS, SPITS]

HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

WHY, THIS CAR'S AUTOMATIC.

SYSTEMATIC.

IT'S HYDROMATIC.

WHY, IT'S GREASE FRIGHTNING.

[1950's MUSIC PLAYING]

WHAT A FAG.

LET'S GO PIN IT ON HIS LOCKER. FAG.

OF COURSE IT'S STUPID IF NO ONE ELSE SINGS.

DICKS.

WHATEVER.

[LONG SIGH]

HUH.

[LONG SIGH]

HUH? MR. ANDRETTI?

[MOTOR RUMBLES]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

AAAAAAAAHHHH!

AAAAAAAAHHHH!

AAAAAAHHH!

[POLICE SIREN BLARES]

GREAT.

MOTHER-SCRATCHER.

[SIGHS]

LICENSE AND ACTIVE WARRANTS?

[HORN BLARES]

P.A.: MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION

FOR THE RESULTS OF YESTERDAY'S PREGNANCY TESTS.

SUSAN SAVINSKY, NEGATIVE. MELISSA BLAKE, POSITIVE.

JONATHAN WINER, NEGATIVE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST SERIAL KILLERS

HAVE AN EXTRA CHROMOSOME?

OH, REALLY?

YEAH, TRUST ME. I'M FROM WISCONSIN.

THAT'S A REALLY NICE GUN.

THANKS. MY MOM BOUGHT IT FOR ME.

NOW I'M SAVING UP FOR BULLETS.

HMM. 9 MILLIMETER?

WHEN IT'S COLD.

YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT THIS STUFF.

WELL, I HAVE TO.

MY DEMO SHOWED THAT I'M MOST POPULAR

WITH FELONS AND BEDWETTERS.

HMM. PERFECT. THEN, I'M YOUR MAN.

YOU DO LIKE TO WATCH.

[CAMERAMAN STILL GAGGING]

WHO DOESN'T?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[BELL RINGS]

SEIG HEIL! SEIG HEIL! SEIG HEIL!

P.A.: ATTENTION, STUDENTS. FLIGHT 916 FOR TUSCANY

WILL BE BOARDING AT GATE 14A.

THE WHITE ZONE IS FOR LOADING

AND UNLOADING OF PASSENGERS ONLY.

NO PARKING.

ALSO, TODAY'S HAPPY HOUR

WILL BE HELD IN THE BIOLOGY LAB.

REMEMBER, WINGS ARE FREE WHEN YOU BUY A PITCHER.

♪ SHE'S GONNA TAKE ♪

♪ THE BLINK OF AN EYE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANNA SOUND DEFEATING ♪

♪ BUT YOU KNOW THAT SHE'S EVERYTHING TO ME ♪

♪ SHE'S EVERYTHING ♪

♪ SHE'S GOIN' OUT ♪

♪ SHE'S GOIN' TO DO MY THING ♪

♪ WE TALK ABOUT THIS ♪

♪ SHE MAKES IT OK ♪

♪ WE GO FOR OUR... ♪

[HORN BLARES]

[CHEERING]

P.A.: WE'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.

IT'S MARTINA AND THE KILLER.

THE KILLER MAKING HIS MOVE.

NOW IT'S THE KILLER AND MARTINA.

MARTINA NOW MAKING HER MOVE.

NOW IT'S MARTINA AND THE KILLER.

[CHARIOTS OF FIRE-LIKE THEME PLAYING]

THE KILLER WITH THE FACE GEAR!

YEAH! [BAND PLAYS]

YEAH, YEAH!

YEAH! HEY...

P.A.: ATTENTION, STUDENTS.

THERE WILL BE A FIRE DRILL AT 3:05 TODAY.

PLEASE BRING YOUR OWN MATCHES AND LIGHTER FLUID.

[SQUEAKING]

[SQUEAKING]

YAAH!

OH.

2 MINUTES TO SHOWTIME...

OR SHOULD I SAY SHOWER TIME?

OH, YEAH.

COME TO PAPA.

[RUMBLING]

SLAB? DAWSON?

MARTINA?

EUREKA.

ALL RIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT THE?

[BELL RINGS]

OK, OK, OK. FACULTY COMING THROUGH.

HELLO? HELLO? CHRIST.

AREN'T ANY OF YOU ON THE INTERNET?

PUT A LEASH ON IT, TARZAN.

HELLO, GANG. WELCOME TO SEX EDUCATION.

IF YOU AREN'T REGISTERED FOR THIS COURSE

OR ARE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST,

YOU'RE IN THE WRONG ROOM.

TA-TA.

A-CHURCHING WE GO. OK, LET'S GET STARTED

BY REVIEWING THE BASICS, SHALL WE?

WHO REMEMBERS MY 2 FRIENDS

PETER LONGFELLOW AND VIRGINIA TULIPS?

[SNIFFS, HUSKY VOICE] OH, BABY.

YOU SMELL LIKE BEER.

[FEMININE VOICE] OH, OH, PEYTON PLACE,

I'VE ALWAYS RELIED ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.

[HUSKY VOICE] EAT MY STRANGER.

[FEMININE VOICE] OW! OW! DADDY, DADDY!

[HUSKY VOICE] UGH! AH!

I'M GONNA GET IT!

[LAMAZE BREATHING]

[FEMININE VOICE] OW! OW!

YES?

MR. BUCHANAN,

MAY I PLEASE BE EXCUSED?

COULDN'T WAIT TILL PROM, MS. DELGADO?

GO. GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR FILM, SHALL WE?

I JUST NEED A VOLUNTEER

TO PUT SOME FUELER IN THE PROJECTOR.

ANYONE.

FUELER.

FUELER.

YES.

I'LL DO IT.

SUGAR BOOGER. HERE YOU GO.

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT. THERE YOU GO, KILLER.

YOU WON'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE WITH THOSE DELTOIDS. HA.

ALL RIGHT, UM, WHERE WAS I?

UH...

Announcer: THE FOLLOWING MOTION PICTURE

HAS BEEN RATED X.

IT CONTAINS ADULT SITUATIONS,

ADULT LANGUAGE, AND NUDITY.

LOTS OF NUDITY.

EXTENSIVE PAUSING OR REWINDING

WILL DAMAGE FILM.

PARENTAL ABSENCE IS SUGGESTED.

Second announcer: AND NOW,

FOR OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION.

HOLOMARK HALL OF FAME PROUDLY PRESENTS...

MOTLEY SCREW: THE PAM AND TOMMY STORY.

Tommy: LOOK, I'M DRIVING THE BOAT.

LOOK, I'M MEASURING THE COUCH.

Pam: YOU LOOK LIKE A TRIPOD.

OH. WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT CHOICE OF WALLPAPER?

WHO IS YOUR DECORATOR? MUSSOLINI?

Pam: MMM...

HEY, NO ONE'S GONNA SEE THIS,

RIGHT, BABY?

Tommy: OH...

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

DO YOU MIND PRACTICING SOMEWHERE ELSE?

Tommy: OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

Pam: OW! OW!

HEY, THIS ISN'T GONNA HELP MY SORE THROAT ANY,

IS IT? OW! OH, OH!

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

HA HA HA. SCISSORS CUT PAPER.

YOU LOSE.

Tommy: HEY, LOOK. I'M POLE-VAULTING.

Principal: AHA. THAT'S WHY I DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR.

MMM. THAT WAS AMAZING, WASN'T IT, BABY?

I JUST LOVE PLAYING NAUGHTY KILLER

AND PRISON PSYCHIATRIST WITH YOU.

[MEOWS]

BUT NEXT TIME, DON'T PULL IT SO TIGHT.

THAT'S MY GOOD SCARF. HA HA HA.

LET'S SEE WHAT THE KIDS IS UP TO.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

OH, I'M SORRY, LOVER.

DID I LEAVE YOU HANGING?

I KNOW WHAT WE NEED.

♪ MARGARITAS ♪

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

SEE? IT'S ME AND YOU, GIRL.

ALL RIGHT.

ME AND YOU.

HEY, YOU KIDS, KNOCK OFF THE GRAB-ASS!

IT'S A GOOD THING PRINCIPAL WINKLER

LEFT THAT FUTON BEHIND.

COME ON. I WANT TO SHOW YOU A TRICK.

HEY! WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?

LET'S GO, MAN.

I... I DIDN'T SEE YOU COME IN.

WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

UH, I WAS JUST BONING UP ON MY... ON MY C.P.R.,

A-A-AND I GOT A SORE HIP, SO WE WAS IN...

WHAT THE?

HEY, DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE.

HEY. ALL RIGHT.

HA-YA!

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT. UGH.

DAMN. WANNABE.

CHERRY VAN, MAN.

THANKS. I BOUGHT IT FROM JEWEL.

IT STILL SMELLS LIKE PEANUT BUTTER.

YEAH.

OH, MY GOD. WE SAW HIM.

WE ALL DID. DAWSON'S BEING INTERVIEWED

BY THE COPS RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, BUT WORKING WITH WILLIAM KEVINSON

WAS A REALLY GREAT EXPERIENCE FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, HE'S A BRILLIANT GUY.

GOT IT?

YOU'RE A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

NOW, SCRAM!

I WANT TO TAKE THAT HOME.

♪ SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER ♪

Director: 2... 1... AND...

WELCOME BACK TO BULIMIA FALLS HIGH,

HOME OF EMPTY-V'S SPRING BREAK MASSACRE,

WHERE WE HAVE LIVE COVERAGE

OF THE COOLEST MURDERS IN THE COUNTRY

AND HOT NEW VIDEOS FROM THE BACKSTREET BOYS.

SO, DOUGHY.

HEY, BABY.

UM, OFFICER PRIMESSUSPEKT?

IS IT TRUE THAT ALL THE STUDENTS

GOT NOTES FROM THE KILLER?

UH-HUH.

WELL, WHAT DOES IT MEAN? ARE THEY IN DANGER?

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SCARE ANYBODY,

BUT I'D SAY THEY'RE ALL STRONG CANDIDATES

FOR A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED

AX IN THE HEAD. ARE WE ON LIVE?

HEY, DICKHEAD. SHOT OF THEM! SHOT OF THEM!

[YELLING, CHEERING]

OK, OFFICER PRIMESSUSPEKT,

ARE YOU TAKING ANY EXTRA PRECAUTIONS?

WELL, I'M WEARING 2 PAIRS OF UNDERPANTS.

DON'T TOUCH ME!

AND ALSO, WE SENT A UNIT OUT

TO WHATEVER DESERTED LOCATION

THESE KIDS ARE GOING OUT TO.

WHERE IS THAT PLACE, KIDS?

WHOO! ROCK 'N' ROLL!

[MUSIC PLAYING, PEOPLE TALKING]

Slab: HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY CATS?

HEY. HEY, GIRLFRIEND. COME ON UP HERE.

HEY, HEY. WATCH THAT CEILING FAN.

OH.

[WET THUD, MUSIC STOPS]

[MUSIC, TALKING RESUME]

SO I GRABBED THE BASTARD BY HIS CHEAP COSTUME,

AND I THREW HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL,

AND I SAID TO HIM, "YOU WANT THE TRUTH?"

AHH. "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH."

[VOMITS]

SO, DO YOU WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS?

HA. HEY, DOUGHY.

HEY, BABY.

SO, YOU ALL READY FOR TONIGHT?

LET'S JUST SAY I GOT AN ITCHY TRIGGER FINGER.

POISON IVY?

NO, I SHOWERED AT THE "Y."

OH. BAD SOAP?

YEAH. I GUESS IT'S ONLY

SUPPOSED TO BE USED EXTERNALLY.

SO, HOW COME YOU HAVE A RASH ON YOUR FINGER, THEN?

WELL, I HAD TO GET IT OUT.

SO, UH, YOU THINK THE KILLER'S GONNA SHOW UP?

IT'S HALLOWEEN, ISN'T IT?

[LAUGHS]

[TAPPING]

COLLECTING FOR THE UNLUCKY FISHERMAN'S ASSOCIATION.

OH, SORRY, DUDE. I... I GAVE AT THE PIER.

OK, SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO WATCH?

OH, HOW ABOUT TELETUBBIES?

NAH. WE DON'T HAVE ANY POT.

ALL RIGHT. WE'VE GOT HOT SHOTS,

THE NAKED GUN, OOH, AIRPLANE.

YEAH. I HEAR IF YOU PAUSE IT JUST RIGHT,

YOU CAN SEE LESLIE NEILSEN'S PENIS.

All: EWW!

PARODIES ARE LAME.

I'M GONNA GET SOME MORE BEER.

I'LL BE BACK.

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

YOU CAN'T TALK LIKE THAT, BARBARA.

I MEAN, WE ARE IN A PARODY SITUATION.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

A PARODY. A KILLER IN A "THE KILLER" COSTUME

SLAUGHTERING A BUNCH OF GOOD-LOOKING,

HORNY STUDENTS AT, LIKE,

A RIDICULOUSLY NAMED HIGH SCHOOL.

OK, HAS ANYBODY SEEN SCREAM?

YEAH. GREAT FLICK.

OK, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES, GUYS,

EMPTY V? THAT'S LIKE THE WORST PUN

I EVER HEARD. IT'S SO EASY.

I MEAN, HELLO? WE ALL GOT NOTES.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER?

OH, OH. THAT'S NOT WHAT MINE SAID.

CHAN-HAN. CHAN...

GIVE ME THAT.

GOD, I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS SCARED

SINCE I TRIED OUT FOR THE WNBA.

WHATEVER. I'M NOT SCARED.

[CAT MEOWS]

OH, CHEAPSHOT. THERE YOU ARE.

OH, CHEAPSHOT.

[MEOWS]

NOW I REALLY NEED MORE BEER.

I MEAN, COME ON, GUYS. LOOK AROUND YOU.

I MEAN, DAWSON.

WHAT? IT'S A FAMILY NAME.

ARE WE GONNA BE TESTED ON THIS?

[BELL RINGS]

24-HOUR PIZZA.

IF WE'RE NOT HERE IN 24 HOURS, WE'RE NOT COMING.

WHO ORDERED THE LARGE?

I GOT IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO. I GOT THAT. ALLOW ME.

NO, REALLY. I GOT IT.

NO, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

HAGITHA, ALLOW ME.

I'LL FLIP YOU. YOU'RE ON.

OOH! OH!

BEST 2 OUT OF 3?

OK. OK.

JEEZ.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

THERE ARE CERTAIN RULES YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW

IN A PARODY SITUATION IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE, OK?

NUMBER ONE: EXAGGERATE EVERYTHING.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC NOTE PLAYS]

NUMBER 88: ACCEPT THE RIDICULOUS AS LOGICAL.

DON'T WORRY. I KNOW HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN.

SEXUAL SIGHT GAGS, ALWAYS FUNNY.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE. ALMOST THERE.

COME ON, BABY, YEAH! YEAH! YES!

YES! I GOT IT! OH, YEAH. OH.

AND ALONG WITH WACKY SOUND EFFECTS...

HERE'S BONER. [UNZIPS ZIPPER]

[BOING]

AND UNLIMITED ABSURDITY.

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

REMEMBER. NOTHING IS SACRED.

DAMN IT!

PERFECT.

JUST PERFECT.

YOU'RE FORGETTING. POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS.

MM-HMM.

AND FINALLY, PERPETUATE PAINFUL STEREOTYPES.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SEE, NOW THAT'S ORION...

AND THAT'S HIS PENIS.

NO, THAT'S THE BIG DIPPER.

REALLY? I CALL MINE "THOR'S HAMMER."

[GASPS]

I CAN'T SEE SHIT. OOF!

THE BOTTOM LINE IS, PARODIES COME FROM TRUTH.

IT'S OBSERVATIONAL,

SO IF SOMETHING LOOKS FAMILIAR, HEADS UP.

HUH?

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[ELECTRIC KNIFE WHIRS]

HA HA, BONER.

[ELECTRIC KNIFE WHIRS LOUDLY]

BONER?

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS] YEAH.

STAY BACK, ASSHOLE.

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

YEAH.

♪ WE'VE GOT A RIGHT TO BE LOVERS ♪

♪ OOH, WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTH... ♪

YEAH.

YEAH! [SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

HELP!

[DUELING BANJO MUSIC PLAYS]

[SCREAMS] [LAUGHS]

[SCREAMS]

DAMN THESE FAKE TITS.

Killer: OH, NO.

OHH.

WELL, THIS SURVEILLANCE WORK IS REALLY INTERESTING.

YEAH.

MUST BE REALLY HARD

TRYING TO BE SO INCONSPICUOUS AND QUIET.

RIGHT, WELL, NOT EVERYBODY'S

CUT OUT FOR IT, YOU KNOW.

HEY, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ME PLAY THE DRUMS?

COME HERE!

[SCREAMING]

AAH!

AAH!

[LAUGHS]

[BEES BUZZING]

[WHIMPERS]

Killer: OH, DAMN.

WHOO!

HEY, NOT BAD.

ALL RIGHT, HERE IT COMES.

All: AND DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY!

WHOO!

HEY, HEY, GUYS.

THEY JUST FOUND THE ADMINISTRATOR

FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCIPAL BOUND AND GAGGED. DEAD.

[GASPS]

LET'S GET DOWN THERE BEFORE THE CORONER DOES

AND PLAY WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S WITH HIM.

[CHEERING]

AND I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO KNOW HIM.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

UM, I'LL GET IT. IT COULD BE MY ACCOUNTANT.

[RING]

WHAT?

[RING]

SO, HERE WE ARE, ALL ALONE.

RIGHT.

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU, DAWSON.

OH, YEAH?

I WANT YOU, DAWSON.

YOU WANT ME TO WEAR THAT?

NO. THIS IS FOR ME,

BUT THIS...

IS FOR YOU.

OH.

WAIT... WAIT... WAIT A SECOND.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A LESBIAN?

A LESBIAN?

WHY?

HELLO.

YOU PLAY SOFTBALL.

YOU WATCH ALLY McBEAL.

THE WNBA.

NO, DAWSON, I'M NOT GAY.

BARBARA'S GAY.

BARBARA?

BIG ROSIE FAN.

BUT... BUT YOU ARE A WITCH, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

[CRASH] WHOA!

[MEOW]

LAMEGAG, YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF US.

[MEOW]

WHAT IS IT, BOY?

[GROWLING]

I'M SORRY.

WHAT IS IT, GIRL?

[MEOW]

SLAB'S IN TROUBLE?

STEROIDS?

IN THE BATHROOM?

BURT REYNOLDS WEARS A RUG?

[MEOW]

O.J. WAS FRAMED? [MEOW]

KHAKIS AREN'T COOL?

NO, I HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE COMPLETELY...

WELL, FUCK YOU, TOO!

[MEOW]

COME ON. LET'S GO.

SLAB!

OH, MY GOD.

I... I THINK I USED TOO MUCH.

[MUSIC FROM PSYCHO PLAYS]

OH.

OH, THIS IS HORRIBLE.

I KNOW.

WHO IS GONNA CLEAN ALL THIS UP?

[MEOW]

DAWSON, NO!

THERE'S NO POINT IN BEATING DEAD HORSE.

[RUSTLING SOUNDS]

OK...

DAWSON, I'M GOING TO...

DAWSON?

DAWSON!

I WAS JUST CHECKING FOR CLUES.

COULD YOU...

MMM, BEEFY!

YOU'RE TOO LATE.

♪ CAROLINE LAUGHS, AND IT'S RAINING ALL DAY ♪

♪ SHE LOVES TO BE ONE OF THE GIRLS ♪

♪ LIVES IN THE PLACE INSIDE OF OUR LIVES ♪

♪ WHERE NOTHING IS EVER PUT STRAIGHT ♪

♪ SHE TURNS HERSELF AROUND, AND SHE SAYS ♪

♪ "THIS IS IT, THAT'S THE END OF THE JOKE," ♪

♪ LOSES HERSELF IN HER DREAMING AND SLEEP ♪

♪ AND HER LOVERS WALK THROUGH IN THEIR COATS ♪

♪ SHE'S ♪

♪ PRETTY IN PINK ♪

♪ ISN'T SHE ♪

♪ PRETTY IN PINK? ♪

♪ ISN'T SHE? ♪

♪ ALL OF HER LOVERS ALL TALK OF HER NOTES ♪

♪ AND THE FLOWERS THAT THEY NEVER SENT ♪

♪ AND WASN'T SHE EASY? ♪

♪ ISN'T SHE PRETTY IN PINK? ♪

♪ THE ONE WHO INSISTS HE WAS FIRST IN THE LINE ♪

♪ IS THE LAST TO REMEMBER HER NAME... ♪

WHOA!

[CLOTH RIPS]

♪ SHE'S GONE, BUT THE JOKE'S THE SAME ♪

♪ PRETTY IN PINK ♪

♪ ISN'T HE? ♪

♪ PRETTY IN PINK ♪

♪ ISN'T HE? ♪

♪ CAROLINE TALKS TO YOU SOFTLY SOMETIMES ♪

♪ SHE SAYS "I LOVE YOU" AND "TOO MUCH" ♪

♪ SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO STEAL ♪

♪ WELL, NOTHING YOU CAN TOUCH ♪

♪ SHE WAVES ♪

♪ SHE BUTTONS YOUR SHIRT ♪

♪ THE TRAFFIC IS WAITING OUTSIDE ♪

♪ SHE HANDS YOU THIS COAT ♪

♪ SHE GIVES YOU HER CLOTHES, THE CARS COLLIDE ♪

[APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, PEPPERONI BOY, LET'S SEE 'EM.

WE MADE IT.

OH!

[MUSIC FROM PSYCHO PLAYS]

OH! OH!

NO, HOLD ON. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

YOU MEAN, BIG BULLY.

BAD, BAD, BAD KILLER.

I'M GONNA SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT,

YOU BAD BULLY... OH, BOY!

WHOA.

HAHH!

[CLANG]

[CLANK CLANK CLANK]

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT! YEAH!

KICK HIS ASS!

OH!

OH!

OH!

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT A LESBIAN?

WELL, ONCE AT CAMP.

COOL.

LET'S FIND OUT WHO THIS ASSHOLE IS.

[GASPS] [GASPS]

[GASPS] [GASPS]

[GASPS] [GASPS]

WHO IS THAT?

ABE LINCOLN.

OHH. ABE!

OK, COME ON, NOW. TAKE 'EM OFF.

BUT THEY'RE COMPANY PROPERTY.

NICE.

[GASPS] [GASPS]

[GASPS] [GASPS]

SHH. DID YOU HEAR THAT?

OH, EXCUSE ME.

NO, NOT THAT.

[GASPS] [GASPS]

LET'S ROLL.

HEY, WIDELOAD,

YOU AND PIZZA DORK GOTTA HOOF IT.

GET OFF!

WE'RE GOING IN.

COME ON.

HEY, I THINK THIS IS THE LAST ONE.

HUH? YOU!

WHO WERE YOU EXPECTING,

BILLY LOOMIS' MOTHER?

OF COURSE. RULE NUMBER 101,

YOU CAN'T HAVE A SUCCESSFUL PARODY

WITHOUT MOCKING CONTRIVED,

CONFUSING ENDINGS.

BUT WHY, DOUGHY?

I'M NOT DOUGHY, DUMB-ASS.

OK, THAT'S NOT EVEN REAL.

BUT IT IS DASTARDLY.

SO IF YOU'RE NOT DOUGHY,

THAT MAKES YOU...

YES.

DOUGHY'S EVIL TWIN, COUSIN HARDING.

WOW, GOOD TWIST.

SO WHAT'S YOUR MOTIVE?

IN THE MILLENNIUM, MOTIVES ARE ACCIDENTAL.

UM, DO YOU MEAN INCIDENTAL?

I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU FIRST.

HEY... DON'T... HEY... NOW!

SO I SUPPOSE THIS IS WHAT YOU USE

TO DISGUISE YOUR VOICE?

HELLO, SYDNEY!

NO, I MEAN THIS.

[KILLER VOICE] HELLO, MARTINA.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?

I AM YOUR FATHER, LUKE.

FREEZE!

DON'T SHOOT. I GIVE UP.

HARDING?

YO, DOUGH.

DOUGHY, WHAT'S... WHAT'S GOING ON?

THEY'RE IDENTICAL.

YEAH, ONE GOOD, ONE EVIL.

WOW.

JUST LIKE THE OLSENS, HUH?

EXCEPT WHERE AS HARDING ENJOYS A MINUET,

THE BALLET RUSSES AND CREPE SUZETTE...

DOUGHY LIKES TO ROCK AND ROLL.

A HOT DOG MAKES HIM LOSE CONTROL.

WHAT A WILD DUET.

STILL THEY'RE COUSINS...

IDENTICAL COUSINS.

THEY LAUGH ALIKE.

THEY WALK ALIKE.

AT TIMES THEY EVEN TALK ALIKE.

AND YOU COULD LOSE YOUR MIND.

SHUT UP, EVERYBODY!

FOR GOD'S SAKES, HOW MANY TIMES

DO YOU THINK WE'VE HEARD THAT IN OUR LIVES, HUH?

A LITTLE RESPECT!

HARDING! YOU'RE A DISGRACE

AND AN EMBARRASSMENT TO OUR FAMILY.

BECAUSE OF THE STAIN ON GRANDMA'S DRESS?

NO.

OH, THAT. YEAH.

LISTEN, UM...

I'M REALLY SORRY.

IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOU, DOUGHY?

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

YOU CAN TAKE THAT COSTUME BACK

TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNERS AT THE MALL.

I... I DON'T HAVE THE RECEIPT.

I'LL MAKE SOME CALLS,

BUT DON'T FORGET ABOUT THAT FAKE DOG SHIT.

I DIDN'T TAKE ANY DOG SHIT.

HUH?

HMM.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD,

GIVE ME A HUG.

[GUNSHOT]

OW.

NICE SHOT.

HUH?

OOH!

[MOANING]

OOPS!

YOU GUYS ALL SAW THAT.

I MEAN, THAT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.

YEAH, YEAH, IT HAPPENS.

UGH,

I REALLY NEED TO GET A NEW SHADE.

HERE, TRY MINE.

OH!

PERFECT.

WELL, I'VE GOT MY SCOOP.

SEE YOU, DOUGHY.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ABOUT DINNER AT THE WIENER PUP?

OR MAYBE A SNACK AT THE PRETZEL SHACK?

DID YOU BRING YOUR BIKE?

MM-HMM. OK.

WHAT ABOUT US?!

PIZZA GUYS GET ALL THE PUSSY.

DON'T WORRY, DOUGHY.

WE GOT IT ALL UNDER CONTROL.

YEAH, EXCEPT FOR ALL THOSE DEAD PEOPLE.

[SIRENS GROWING LOUDER]

YEAH, WELL...

LET'S GO, KIDS.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

BAG 'EM. TAG 'EM. WE'LL WRAP THIS UP.

WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

GET IN THERE.

COVER ME.

ALL RIGHT. I'VE GOT YOUR BACK.

HERE WE GO.

HEY, NICE BUNS.

WHOA!

WOW, DOUGHY, TWIN COUSINS.

YEAH, THE RESEMBLANCE WAS REMARKABLE.

I KNOW. PEOPLE SAY WE LOOK LIKE TOM CRUISE.

HEY, CATERING.

MARTINA. DAWSON.

BONER, YOU'RE ALIVE!

GOD BLESS VIAGRA.

IT SAVED MY LIFE.

I ATE A WHOLE BOTTLE,

AND WHEN I HAD MY HEART ATTACK,

THE BLOOD KEPT PUMPING ANYWAY.

I CAN TAKE THIS FROM HERE.

YES!

WE ARE SO LUCKY WE SURVIVED.

NOW WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

WELL, AT LEAST UNTIL THE SEQUEL.

AREN'T YOU GAY?

COFFEE!

NOT ON MY WATCH, PUNK.

WELL, THAT ABOUT DOES IT.

I KILLED MY COUSIN...

MY HEART'S BROKEN...

MY SISTER'S DEAD.

DAMN IT, I LOVE THIS JOB.

OH, WELL, NOW WE'RE SAFE, THANK GOD.

YEAH.

DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A WALK

IN THE DARK, SCARY WOODS?

SURE.

HEY, DAWSON!

EVERYBODY, I DID IT!

I'M NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE!

[SIREN]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[RING]

Killer: HELLO, SYDNEY.

WHAT? I SAID...

I'M SORRY, I'M LOSING YOU.

I SAID, HELLO, SYDNEY.

YOU'RE BREAKING UP.

HELLO?

WHO WAS IT?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT IF IT'S IMPORTANT,

THEY'LL CALL BACK.

DARN CELL PHONES!

RICH, KNOW-IT-ALL TEENAGERS.

I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT,

MY BACK HURTS, AND I'VE GOT TO PEE.

[IT'S A SCREAM PLAYS]