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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:07,005 --> 00:01:11,365 "Home Movie"! For "Home Movie" press one. 2 00:01:11,443 --> 00:01:13,783 For "Happy Easter" press two. 3 00:01:13,846 --> 00:01:15,206 What are you doing? 4 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,410 For a terrible "Thanksgiving," press three. 5 00:01:18,484 --> 00:01:20,014 You're confusing our children. 6 00:01:20,085 --> 00:01:22,375 For "Happy Kwanzaa," press five. 7 00:01:22,454 --> 00:01:24,514 I don't think so. 8 00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:25,650 Aha! 9 00:01:25,724 --> 00:01:30,134 Mm-hmm, happy Halloween. 10 00:01:31,330 --> 00:01:35,290 Mmm, fire. 11 00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:38,167 Fire. 12 00:01:41,273 --> 00:01:44,943 My children have been turned into fire-breathing dragons. 13 00:01:46,912 --> 00:01:49,572 It's your mother and she's in a horrible mood 14 00:01:49,648 --> 00:01:51,808 and a birthday cake for you. 15 00:01:51,884 --> 00:01:54,384 You're so scary. 16 00:01:54,453 --> 00:01:59,793 Happy birthday-slash- Halloween, Jack and Emily 17 00:01:59,858 --> 00:02:04,518 Happy birthday- slash-Halloween to... 18 00:02:04,596 --> 00:02:08,156 Hmmm? Oh, yes, make a wish. 19 00:02:08,233 --> 00:02:10,633 - Make a wish. - You guys ready? 20 00:02:10,702 --> 00:02:12,332 Ready? Blow out the candles. 21 00:02:17,276 --> 00:02:19,506 They're not blowing out. 22 00:02:20,913 --> 00:02:23,753 Oh, she got them. Nope, they're still lit! 23 00:02:25,250 --> 00:02:28,120 - Hey hey! - Jack! 24 00:02:28,187 --> 00:02:32,207 Fire, Mmm... 25 00:02:34,293 --> 00:02:36,993 Five four three two one. 26 00:02:37,062 --> 00:02:38,932 Ready or not, here we come! 27 00:02:38,997 --> 00:02:41,057 I'm not wearing mine either. I'll wear yours. 28 00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:43,433 I'll wear yours. I 29 00:02:44,970 --> 00:02:47,530 - Which way does it go? - Any way. 30 00:02:47,606 --> 00:02:50,766 No, I'm not wearing it. 31 00:02:50,842 --> 00:02:53,212 - Okay, I'm not wearing yours either. - Here. 32 00:02:53,278 --> 00:02:55,408 - Hey, come here. - What are you doing? 33 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,280 Oh no, oh. 34 00:02:57,349 --> 00:02:59,009 Good evening... 35 00:02:59,084 --> 00:03:02,184 ...and welcome to haunted ghost house sightings of... 36 00:03:02,254 --> 00:03:04,094 ghosts. 37 00:03:12,698 --> 00:03:15,528 They're down here. 38 00:03:32,417 --> 00:03:33,937 Ah ha ha! 39 00:03:34,019 --> 00:03:35,879 Honey, I think I know where they are. 40 00:03:35,954 --> 00:03:37,624 - Where? - Hold the camera. 41 00:03:39,558 --> 00:03:41,458 - Careful. - Baby... 42 00:03:41,526 --> 00:03:44,646 if I don't make it back, I just want you to know how much I... whoa! 43 00:03:46,231 --> 00:03:47,761 I'm all right... ouch! 44 00:03:47,833 --> 00:03:49,563 Are you okay? 45 00:03:49,635 --> 00:03:51,655 What is it? 46 00:03:51,737 --> 00:03:54,497 Nothing but a fire-breathing dragon. 47 00:03:56,675 --> 00:03:59,195 Nice! 48 00:03:59,278 --> 00:04:02,178 Okay, come on, guys. 49 00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:05,217 - Game over. Mommy's tired. - Where are they? 50 00:04:05,284 --> 00:04:08,284 Aha! We found them! 51 00:04:08,353 --> 00:04:10,583 Okay, guys, come on. Turn off the flashlights. 52 00:04:10,656 --> 00:04:12,486 Jack and Emily Poe. 53 00:04:12,557 --> 00:04:14,957 Turn off the flashlights. 54 00:04:15,027 --> 00:04:17,457 - It's not good for the camera. - Listen to your mom, guys. 55 00:04:17,529 --> 00:04:19,959 - Come on. - Such cooperative children. 56 00:04:20,032 --> 00:04:23,402 Turn off the flashlights or I'll turn off the camera. 57 00:04:23,468 --> 00:04:25,828 That's better. 58 00:04:27,172 --> 00:04:29,272 Oh, you got me. 59 00:04:29,341 --> 00:04:31,371 Oh, you got me. 60 00:04:31,443 --> 00:04:34,313 Did you just bite me? 61 00:04:38,417 --> 00:04:39,747 Bringing the heat on. 62 00:04:42,154 --> 00:04:44,424 Nice! 63 00:04:44,489 --> 00:04:47,119 Fake out! 64 00:04:47,192 --> 00:04:48,922 Now batting... 65 00:04:48,994 --> 00:04:50,364 Number 31... 66 00:04:50,429 --> 00:04:52,159 Jack... Poe... 67 00:04:52,230 --> 00:04:53,930 centerfielder, 68 00:04:53,999 --> 00:04:56,129 the Connecticut Cormorant. 69 00:04:58,670 --> 00:05:00,370 All right. 70 00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:04,801 Come on, you can do it! 71 00:05:08,413 --> 00:05:09,783 Nice! 72 00:05:09,848 --> 00:05:12,248 Aw, come on, Jack! 73 00:05:12,317 --> 00:05:14,437 Whoop... oh! 74 00:05:14,519 --> 00:05:16,279 Into the woods. 75 00:05:16,355 --> 00:05:18,945 - Holy cow. - Oh, rats! 76 00:05:19,024 --> 00:05:20,754 - Nice hit, son. - That was good! 77 00:05:20,826 --> 00:05:22,846 Good job, baby. 78 00:05:25,464 --> 00:05:28,264 Oh. Little help, hon? 79 00:05:29,301 --> 00:05:31,061 - What? - Little help. 80 00:05:31,136 --> 00:05:32,756 - What do you mean? - A little help! 81 00:05:32,838 --> 00:05:34,738 - You want me to get it? - A little help. 82 00:05:34,806 --> 00:05:36,496 - You get it. - Little help. 83 00:05:36,575 --> 00:05:38,125 - My God. - A little help. 84 00:05:38,210 --> 00:05:40,240 Do I have to do everything around here? 85 00:05:40,312 --> 00:05:42,082 I'm the pitcher. My arm, my leg... 86 00:05:42,147 --> 00:05:44,617 - they gotta relax and rest. - Your arm? My arm. 87 00:05:44,683 --> 00:05:46,883 - Come on, hon. - I got it... okay. 88 00:05:46,952 --> 00:05:49,322 Okay... 89 00:05:49,388 --> 00:05:52,588 Yay. Oops, got some woods here. 90 00:05:52,657 --> 00:05:54,117 Hurry up, hon! 91 00:05:54,192 --> 00:05:56,322 I think I found some poison ivy. 92 00:05:56,395 --> 00:05:59,055 Makes sense. 93 00:05:59,131 --> 00:06:03,261 And I just saw a jackal... that's good. 94 00:06:03,335 --> 00:06:05,425 Poison ivy, more snakes 95 00:06:05,504 --> 00:06:07,634 and a jackal. 96 00:06:07,706 --> 00:06:09,766 I'm, like, so glad we just moved 97 00:06:09,841 --> 00:06:11,601 to the middle of nowhere. 98 00:06:14,513 --> 00:06:16,853 Hey, Em! 99 00:06:16,915 --> 00:06:18,705 Have you seen your dad's ball? 100 00:06:20,652 --> 00:06:22,482 Okay, well, um... 101 00:06:22,554 --> 00:06:24,954 I'm gonna go look over here. 102 00:06:33,398 --> 00:06:36,028 I thought you said you didn't see it. 103 00:06:39,504 --> 00:06:43,914 Listen, how about I shoot your guys's clubhouse, huh? 104 00:06:43,975 --> 00:06:47,135 That might be cool for you guys to look back at when you're older, right? 105 00:06:49,581 --> 00:06:53,181 "No parents allowed." Hmm. 106 00:06:53,251 --> 00:06:57,621 Is that all parents or is that just me and your dad? 107 00:06:59,624 --> 00:07:01,994 Ah. Okay. 108 00:07:02,060 --> 00:07:04,190 Well... 109 00:07:04,262 --> 00:07:06,392 I'm gonna go watch the game. 110 00:07:06,465 --> 00:07:08,755 Do you want to come? 111 00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:10,504 You can ride in the wagon. 112 00:07:14,039 --> 00:07:16,059 Are you playing dead? 113 00:07:16,141 --> 00:07:18,081 Again, right here. 114 00:07:18,143 --> 00:07:20,303 It's going right there. 115 00:07:20,378 --> 00:07:22,898 I love the zoom on this. 116 00:07:22,981 --> 00:07:24,411 Zoom! 117 00:07:26,651 --> 00:07:28,521 Oh, big swing and a miss. 118 00:07:28,587 --> 00:07:31,177 The big fella... notice the form though? 119 00:07:31,256 --> 00:07:32,946 - Very nice. - See that? 120 00:07:33,024 --> 00:07:34,724 Make a smiley face. 121 00:07:34,793 --> 00:07:36,323 Good job. 122 00:07:40,665 --> 00:07:43,125 - I'll take that. I'll take that. - Whoa! 123 00:07:45,036 --> 00:07:47,396 High-five, put it there. All right, thank you. 124 00:07:47,472 --> 00:07:50,372 Come on, Em! Give your dad a hand! 125 00:07:50,442 --> 00:07:52,772 - Yeah! - Home run. 126 00:07:52,844 --> 00:07:55,114 Whoo! Good, baby, good. 127 00:07:55,180 --> 00:07:57,240 Watch this guy. 128 00:07:58,450 --> 00:08:00,040 One more, one more, one more. 129 00:08:06,458 --> 00:08:08,948 - Whoop! - What was that, a rock? 130 00:08:09,027 --> 00:08:10,997 What? 131 00:08:14,799 --> 00:08:17,229 What? What's the matter? 132 00:08:17,302 --> 00:08:18,832 - We're done. - What happened? 133 00:08:18,904 --> 00:08:20,394 - He's throwing rocks at me. - What?! 134 00:08:23,475 --> 00:08:24,835 Du-duh! 135 00:08:28,847 --> 00:08:31,177 Du-duh! Du-duh! Du-duh! 136 00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:32,979 Du-duh! Du-duh! Du-duh! 137 00:08:33,051 --> 00:08:37,611 Today we're going to learn about the ancient art of raking. 138 00:08:37,689 --> 00:08:40,659 Raking was first discovered 139 00:08:40,725 --> 00:08:44,525 by a Chinese mountain task force in 1802. 140 00:08:46,398 --> 00:08:49,228 My lovely assistant Jack Poe 141 00:08:49,301 --> 00:08:51,901 is raking today because he's being punished for throwing 142 00:08:51,970 --> 00:08:53,870 a rock at his dad's head. 143 00:08:57,475 --> 00:08:59,495 What you got, Jack? 144 00:09:02,347 --> 00:09:03,907 A dead bug. 145 00:09:03,982 --> 00:09:07,322 This is where we employ the notorious garbage bag technique. 146 00:09:07,385 --> 00:09:10,445 And there you have it, kids. That's our lesson for today: 147 00:09:10,522 --> 00:09:14,152 Dead things go in trash bags. 148 00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:19,924 Love is in the air, can you feel it? 149 00:09:20,966 --> 00:09:22,156 Hmmm? Yes? 150 00:09:22,233 --> 00:09:24,833 Don't let me keep you up. Okay. 151 00:09:24,903 --> 00:09:27,303 It's Friday, November 9th, 10:30 PM. 152 00:09:27,372 --> 00:09:30,972 It's Clare and I's 10th wedding anniversary... 153 00:09:31,042 --> 00:09:35,142 and I'm gonna go attempt a most dangerous stunt. 154 00:09:35,213 --> 00:09:38,273 But before I go, in case I don't come back, 155 00:09:38,350 --> 00:09:41,550 Jack, I want you to know how much I love you. 156 00:09:41,620 --> 00:09:45,280 And, Emily, I love you very very much too. 157 00:09:45,357 --> 00:09:48,687 So, um, well... 158 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:50,730 this stunt is most dangerous. 159 00:09:50,795 --> 00:09:52,695 I wouldn't have anybody, uh, attempt it 160 00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:55,104 if you're amateur or if you're faint of heart. 161 00:09:55,166 --> 00:09:57,456 I'm gonna go try and jump 162 00:09:57,535 --> 00:10:01,895 all 206 of my wife's bones. 163 00:10:04,142 --> 00:10:06,302 Okay, bye. Wish me luck. 164 00:10:13,785 --> 00:10:15,685 Oh... shit! 165 00:10:54,959 --> 00:10:57,619 Great. Give me this. 166 00:10:57,696 --> 00:10:59,596 Happy anniversary. 167 00:10:59,664 --> 00:11:01,564 You better not have the camera in here! 168 00:11:01,633 --> 00:11:04,123 I don't have the camera in here. What do you think I am, a pervert? 169 00:11:04,202 --> 00:11:06,362 Yeah! 170 00:11:09,207 --> 00:11:12,567 "'The Mask of Sanity, ' by Hervey M Cleckley." 171 00:11:12,644 --> 00:11:15,844 Some people have booze. My wife has books. 172 00:11:15,914 --> 00:11:18,914 - Ah... come here. - No! 173 00:11:18,983 --> 00:11:21,683 - Cheese plate? - That's a cheese plate? 174 00:11:21,753 --> 00:11:24,723 - Yes, and that's a box of wine. - I'm not drinking wine 175 00:11:24,789 --> 00:11:27,489 - that comes out of a box. - Kiss me, elitist. 176 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:29,819 I am not an elitist. 177 00:11:29,894 --> 00:11:31,624 Come on, I just moved our family here 178 00:11:31,696 --> 00:11:33,426 to the middle of the woods six months ago. 179 00:11:33,498 --> 00:11:35,358 - I'm not an elitist. - You're an elitist. 180 00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,963 Kiss me, elitist. 181 00:11:37,035 --> 00:11:39,555 Mmm, this cheese isn't bad. 182 00:11:39,637 --> 00:11:42,537 - Are you seducing me? - Huh-uh, I would never do such a thing. 183 00:11:44,642 --> 00:11:47,112 Well, um, it's too bad for you. 184 00:11:47,178 --> 00:11:51,138 I can't have sex right now because I have a lot of work to do. 185 00:11:51,216 --> 00:11:54,906 - You always have work to do. - Yeah, so we have money to spend. 186 00:11:54,986 --> 00:11:57,276 - Right. - Money to spend. 187 00:11:59,891 --> 00:12:02,121 Isn't this how the Paris Hilton video got started? 188 00:12:02,193 --> 00:12:04,723 No, I think it was... 189 00:12:04,796 --> 00:12:07,696 Oh, you... bastard! 190 00:12:07,766 --> 00:12:10,926 Oh, where's my towel?! 191 00:12:11,002 --> 00:12:14,962 Oh! You are dead! 192 00:12:15,039 --> 00:12:16,799 - You are so bad. - Bad... 193 00:12:16,875 --> 00:12:19,565 do you mean like "bad good" or "bad bad"? 194 00:12:19,644 --> 00:12:21,444 I mean like bad, nasty, evil bad. 195 00:12:21,513 --> 00:12:23,573 You're supposed to be a pastor, you know. 196 00:12:23,648 --> 00:12:25,448 Yeah, I'm Lutheran, not a Catholic. 197 00:12:25,517 --> 00:12:27,677 Well, I am a doctor, not a whore. 198 00:12:27,752 --> 00:12:29,652 Say happy anniversary... 199 00:12:29,721 --> 00:12:32,161 - to the camera, will you? - No. 200 00:12:32,223 --> 00:12:34,383 So we have something to remember when we're old, 201 00:12:34,459 --> 00:12:36,859 decrepit and farting all over each other. 202 00:12:36,928 --> 00:12:40,058 We're not gonna be farting all over each other. That's disgusting! 203 00:12:40,131 --> 00:12:41,811 We're gonna be farting all over each other. 204 00:12:41,866 --> 00:12:43,586 We're gonna die in a conflagration of farts. 205 00:12:43,601 --> 00:12:45,731 - Yeah, your farts. - Somebody's gonna light a match 206 00:12:45,804 --> 00:12:46,964 and we're gonna go... 207 00:12:47,038 --> 00:12:48,198 Not my farts. 208 00:12:48,273 --> 00:12:51,403 Come on, say happy anniversary to the camera for posterity's sake. 209 00:12:51,476 --> 00:12:54,166 Happy anniversary. And now you can take the camera out of here 210 00:12:54,245 --> 00:12:57,535 because it is supposed to be for my work because I've spent a lot of money on it. 211 00:12:57,615 --> 00:13:00,975 I thought it was supposed to be soft-core porn? 212 00:13:01,052 --> 00:13:03,582 No? 213 00:13:05,890 --> 00:13:08,450 - I can't believe... - I can't believe how sexy you are. 214 00:13:10,628 --> 00:13:12,688 Take your clothes off. 215 00:13:12,764 --> 00:13:14,734 I thought you'd never ask! 216 00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:18,227 Get in here. 217 00:13:20,238 --> 00:13:23,168 Is that the dog? 218 00:13:23,241 --> 00:13:26,681 - Why does he always do this? - Hegel, fermez la bouche. 219 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:30,510 David, please, with the camera. 220 00:13:30,582 --> 00:13:32,712 I feel like I'm on "The Real World" or something. 221 00:13:32,784 --> 00:13:34,624 "The Real World"? 222 00:13:38,489 --> 00:13:41,359 Where's Emily? 223 00:13:44,262 --> 00:13:47,602 Oh, isn't that the most precious thing? 224 00:13:47,665 --> 00:13:51,255 It's not precious. It's weird. 225 00:13:51,336 --> 00:13:53,856 It's not weird... the two of them in bed together? 226 00:13:53,938 --> 00:13:55,528 They're getting too old for this. 227 00:13:55,607 --> 00:13:57,467 It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. 228 00:14:10,555 --> 00:14:13,575 "The Story of the Dragon and the Paper Bag," 229 00:14:13,658 --> 00:14:16,088 by Micky Powell. 230 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:20,650 "Once upon a time, in a land far far away, 231 00:14:20,732 --> 00:14:25,192 there lived the most hideous two-headed dragon 232 00:14:25,270 --> 00:14:28,240 in all of history. 233 00:14:28,306 --> 00:14:31,366 And this dragon had this dream of eating 234 00:14:31,442 --> 00:14:34,172 all the boys and all the girls in town. 235 00:14:34,245 --> 00:14:37,365 In fact, 'twas more than a dream... 236 00:14:37,448 --> 00:14:39,678 'twas a plan. 237 00:14:39,751 --> 00:14:43,051 On Halloween next, when all the boys and all the girls 238 00:14:43,121 --> 00:14:46,421 wear their paper-bag masks to school, 239 00:14:46,491 --> 00:14:50,521 the dragon decided that he was going to wear his own paper-bag mask. 240 00:14:50,595 --> 00:14:52,425 And, thus disguised, 241 00:14:52,497 --> 00:14:55,587 he set forth for the schoolyard. 242 00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:59,187 On the schoolyard, the schoolkids were surprised 243 00:14:59,270 --> 00:15:01,570 by the sight of their new student. 244 00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:03,829 'You're too tall, ' they said. 245 00:15:03,908 --> 00:15:07,068 'You have two heads, ' said another child. 246 00:15:07,145 --> 00:15:11,605 'You can't be one of us. You must be the dragon. ' 247 00:15:11,683 --> 00:15:14,383 'Trust me, ' the dragon answered, 248 00:15:14,452 --> 00:15:17,082 'I'm one of you. ' 249 00:15:17,155 --> 00:15:19,915 'Oh, yeah? Prove it, ' they said. 250 00:15:19,991 --> 00:15:22,191 'Take off your mask. ' 251 00:15:22,260 --> 00:15:25,660 The dragon knew that that was something that he couldn't do. 252 00:15:25,730 --> 00:15:29,170 'What I can do, ' he said, 'is talk like you. 253 00:15:29,233 --> 00:15:32,333 I can walk like you. 254 00:15:32,403 --> 00:15:36,673 Shoot, I can even dance like you. ' 255 00:15:36,741 --> 00:15:40,041 'Do it, ' said the children. 256 00:15:40,111 --> 00:15:43,271 And, indeed, the dragon walked, 257 00:15:43,348 --> 00:15:47,308 talked and danced just like he was one of them. 258 00:15:47,385 --> 00:15:50,245 And the children were so convinced 259 00:15:50,321 --> 00:15:53,521 that they invited him to sing their songs with them. 260 00:15:53,591 --> 00:15:56,061 They invited him to play in their games. 261 00:15:56,127 --> 00:15:57,987 And when the bell rang for lunch, 262 00:15:58,062 --> 00:16:01,052 they invited him inside to eat with them. 263 00:16:01,132 --> 00:16:03,602 'Thanks, ' said the dragon, 264 00:16:03,668 --> 00:16:06,428 'but I prefer to eat outside. ' 265 00:16:06,504 --> 00:16:09,414 'Outside? ' says the children. 266 00:16:09,474 --> 00:16:12,714 'But whatever will you eat? ' 267 00:16:12,777 --> 00:16:16,767 The dragon responded, 'You. ' 268 00:16:16,848 --> 00:16:18,708 And with that, 269 00:16:18,783 --> 00:16:21,913 the dragon took off his paper-bag mask, 270 00:16:21,986 --> 00:16:25,476 revealing the two hideous heads. 271 00:16:25,556 --> 00:16:27,986 The children started to scream, 272 00:16:28,059 --> 00:16:32,999 but their screams were soon swallowed inside the dragon's stomach." 273 00:16:39,170 --> 00:16:40,900 That was perhaps the most 274 00:16:40,972 --> 00:16:43,962 vastly inappropriate fairy tale I've ever heard. 275 00:16:44,042 --> 00:16:48,382 Hon, it's an allegory 276 00:16:48,446 --> 00:16:53,146 for, you know, "Don't trust strangers." 277 00:16:55,753 --> 00:16:58,053 Good night, Steven. 278 00:16:58,122 --> 00:17:00,892 Good night, Lou. 279 00:17:00,958 --> 00:17:04,218 Good night, Nikolai... 280 00:17:04,295 --> 00:17:06,855 commie bastard. 281 00:17:29,287 --> 00:17:32,017 Hello, my name is Dr. Clare Poe. 282 00:17:32,090 --> 00:17:35,250 It is the 10th of November, 2006. 283 00:17:35,326 --> 00:17:38,056 This is video diary number one. 284 00:17:38,129 --> 00:17:42,029 Patient's name: Billy Tomlinson, 11, 285 00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:44,360 diagnosed with prodromal VEOS 286 00:17:44,435 --> 00:17:46,395 at the Children's Hospital in Philadelphia, 287 00:17:46,471 --> 00:17:49,871 where I am currently chief resident of the child psychiatry unit. 288 00:17:49,941 --> 00:17:54,141 Patient meets all diagnostic criteria, including disorganized speech, 289 00:17:54,212 --> 00:17:58,112 alogia, catatonic features and persistent delusions, 290 00:17:58,182 --> 00:18:02,482 with no fewer than three hallucinatory episodes in the past three months, 291 00:18:02,553 --> 00:18:04,283 in which Billy claimed there was, quote, 292 00:18:04,355 --> 00:18:07,255 "a man made of nails" living under his bed. 293 00:18:07,325 --> 00:18:10,155 10mg Abilify, 294 00:18:10,228 --> 00:18:11,818 10mg Loxapine. 295 00:18:11,896 --> 00:18:15,796 In less than a week, this binary treatment 296 00:18:15,867 --> 00:18:18,457 vanquished Billy's delusions, 297 00:18:18,536 --> 00:18:20,936 sending this "man made of nails" 298 00:18:21,005 --> 00:18:24,335 back to whatever synapse misfiring he came from. 299 00:18:24,408 --> 00:18:27,568 Scheduled appointment, including blood work, 300 00:18:27,645 --> 00:18:29,405 for next Tuesday, the 14th. 301 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:29,640 Hi. It's November 18th. 302 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,550 Hi. It's November 18th. 303 00:18:32,617 --> 00:18:36,547 I'm your host David Poe, and this is "America's Funniest, 304 00:18:36,621 --> 00:18:38,781 Most Embarrassing Home Videos." 305 00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:43,316 Today the kids have their Thanksgiving Day party at school. 306 00:18:43,394 --> 00:18:46,454 Mom's dressed them as something. We're gonna find out what. 307 00:18:46,531 --> 00:18:49,801 You guys look so cute, I'm gonna vomit. 308 00:18:52,770 --> 00:18:57,170 The follies of youth are fast forgotten, not to worry. 309 00:18:57,241 --> 00:19:00,271 Unless, of course, Dad happens to be filming them. 310 00:19:00,344 --> 00:19:02,374 Listen to you. 311 00:19:02,446 --> 00:19:04,436 Honey, did you make your own lunch? 312 00:19:04,515 --> 00:19:07,135 - I'm sorry, you look great. - They look great! 313 00:19:07,218 --> 00:19:09,238 Fantastic, absolutely. 314 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,480 What did you make? That's... come on, please... 315 00:19:12,557 --> 00:19:15,317 Give them a break. Did you make bologna? 316 00:19:15,393 --> 00:19:18,793 No? PB&J? 317 00:19:18,863 --> 00:19:22,263 No? Well... 318 00:19:22,333 --> 00:19:24,633 why don't we just see what our little man 319 00:19:24,702 --> 00:19:27,542 is bringing to the fourth grade Thanksgiving feast, huh? 320 00:19:29,373 --> 00:19:32,173 If he can make a sandwich, I think you can every once in a while. 321 00:19:32,243 --> 00:19:35,083 - No, I can't. - I'm sorry. 322 00:19:40,151 --> 00:19:42,621 - What'd you make, Jack? - Oh! 323 00:19:58,302 --> 00:20:00,172 Hey, boy. 324 00:20:04,408 --> 00:20:08,368 On this episode of "Clare Poe: Turkey Proctologist Extraordinaire," 325 00:20:08,446 --> 00:20:11,896 we... ooh, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!" 326 00:20:11,983 --> 00:20:14,353 Huh? Huh? 327 00:20:14,418 --> 00:20:16,608 Jack! Emily! 328 00:20:16,687 --> 00:20:18,747 I'll get 'em. 329 00:20:24,762 --> 00:20:26,992 Come on, guys, it's time to eat. 330 00:20:27,064 --> 00:20:29,564 Your mom's been working on this turkey all day. 331 00:20:35,773 --> 00:20:37,713 Some apples? 332 00:20:37,775 --> 00:20:39,735 Looks really good, doesn't it? 333 00:20:45,216 --> 00:20:47,506 Dear Lord... 334 00:20:49,954 --> 00:20:52,864 Thank you. 335 00:20:52,923 --> 00:20:56,123 Thank you for providing us this most bountiful feast. 336 00:20:56,193 --> 00:20:59,293 Most importantly, we thank you for providing us with each other, 337 00:20:59,363 --> 00:21:03,803 with love, for this Thanksgiving 338 00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:05,598 we owe to You, 339 00:21:05,670 --> 00:21:10,470 our most trusted and holy God. 340 00:21:10,541 --> 00:21:15,101 Thank you for my wife, my beautiful wife, 341 00:21:15,179 --> 00:21:18,049 thank you for my children 342 00:21:18,115 --> 00:21:21,735 and thank you for this life, which is indeed blessed. 343 00:21:21,819 --> 00:21:24,479 So let us pray. 344 00:21:27,191 --> 00:21:30,421 Dear blessed Lord, we thank you for the gifts that you... 345 00:21:32,663 --> 00:21:35,103 What was that? 346 00:21:35,166 --> 00:21:39,186 That was your children being disrespectful. 347 00:21:42,239 --> 00:21:44,999 Well, we're not gonna eat this turkey until they pray. 348 00:21:48,579 --> 00:21:51,239 - Okay. - All right. 349 00:21:53,050 --> 00:21:56,420 Dear blessed Lord, thank you for the gifts that you have provided for us... 350 00:22:00,458 --> 00:22:02,648 What are you guys doing? 351 00:22:05,129 --> 00:22:07,429 - Let's just eat, okay? - I'm serious. 352 00:22:07,498 --> 00:22:12,228 We are not gonna eat until you pray. 353 00:22:12,303 --> 00:22:14,603 David, come on. 354 00:22:21,779 --> 00:22:25,439 Dear blessed Lord, please give us Your... 355 00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:45,634 ...that you have provided for us... 356 00:22:45,703 --> 00:22:49,543 What are you guys doing? 357 00:22:54,412 --> 00:22:58,212 Hi, I'm Boy Scout leader David Poe 358 00:22:58,282 --> 00:23:00,222 and you're gonna learn about an ancient art today 359 00:23:00,284 --> 00:23:02,484 called lock picking. 360 00:23:02,553 --> 00:23:04,183 You won't find it in the manual, 361 00:23:04,255 --> 00:23:06,045 but you will find it here. Come on. 362 00:23:06,123 --> 00:23:09,423 All right? Bobby pin? 363 00:23:14,298 --> 00:23:16,558 Got it. Okay now, Jack, first thing you wanna do: 364 00:23:16,634 --> 00:23:18,634 Open up said bobby pin, 365 00:23:18,702 --> 00:23:21,002 peel off the little rubber bit... 366 00:23:22,907 --> 00:23:24,527 put it into the lock like so. 367 00:23:25,910 --> 00:23:28,340 All right, make three circles counterclockwise 368 00:23:28,412 --> 00:23:31,352 until you feel it... Go like that. 369 00:23:32,683 --> 00:23:35,353 There you go. 370 00:23:38,823 --> 00:23:41,193 And lock picked. 371 00:23:41,258 --> 00:23:43,248 Slide it to the left. 372 00:23:46,464 --> 00:23:48,234 Okay, this is the one-handed bowline. 373 00:23:48,299 --> 00:23:50,889 It's a very important knot, maybe the most essential knot. 374 00:23:50,968 --> 00:23:52,938 It's un-get-out-of-able, un-undoable 375 00:23:53,003 --> 00:23:55,473 unless of course you wanna undo it and you have two hands. 376 00:23:55,539 --> 00:23:58,099 I'm gonna show you how to do it with one hand. Ready? 377 00:23:58,175 --> 00:24:01,575 Go like this... go around the tree. 378 00:24:07,218 --> 00:24:10,648 And that right there is a bowline, all right? 379 00:24:10,721 --> 00:24:13,451 I want you to do one. Give me one second. 380 00:24:14,792 --> 00:24:18,092 Emily, you watching? 381 00:24:18,162 --> 00:24:21,102 Look at that. There he is. 382 00:24:21,165 --> 00:24:22,495 There's old Nikolai. 383 00:24:36,881 --> 00:24:39,651 Perfect. 384 00:24:39,717 --> 00:24:41,577 Dad's, 385 00:24:41,652 --> 00:24:44,142 Jack's. 386 00:24:44,221 --> 00:24:46,621 Perfect! 387 00:24:46,690 --> 00:24:48,660 Did you see that? 388 00:24:48,726 --> 00:24:51,246 Emily, you're next. Are you ready? 389 00:25:04,174 --> 00:25:07,444 I scream, you scream. We all scream for... ow! 390 00:25:07,511 --> 00:25:09,741 A little help. 391 00:25:09,813 --> 00:25:12,613 I thought you were going jogging. 392 00:25:12,683 --> 00:25:15,553 I did. I was. For about three miles. 393 00:25:15,619 --> 00:25:18,949 So I'm out there in the middle of the woods 394 00:25:19,023 --> 00:25:20,963 and I took a left where I usually... 395 00:25:21,025 --> 00:25:23,215 anyways, there's this inlet road there, 396 00:25:23,294 --> 00:25:26,994 and off in the distance I heard this music, right? 397 00:25:27,064 --> 00:25:29,564 And it's weird, but it sounds familiar, 398 00:25:29,633 --> 00:25:34,003 so I jog a little closer and I see this truck, 399 00:25:34,071 --> 00:25:37,341 this ice-cream truck. And I flagged him down. 400 00:25:37,408 --> 00:25:40,668 He was coming toward me and I say, "Hey, man, listen, it's a little loud 401 00:25:40,744 --> 00:25:42,874 at 7:00 in the morning for you to be playing the music 402 00:25:42,947 --> 00:25:44,707 the way you're playing it. 403 00:25:44,782 --> 00:25:47,622 Would you mind turning it down a little?" He says, "No problem." 404 00:25:47,685 --> 00:25:50,585 Real nice guy, and he gives me two ice-cream cones. 405 00:25:50,654 --> 00:25:52,184 How about that? 406 00:25:52,256 --> 00:25:55,016 I know you don't generally have ice cream before you go to school, 407 00:25:55,092 --> 00:25:56,722 but today's an exception. 408 00:25:56,794 --> 00:25:59,194 Our kids don't deserve ice cream right now. 409 00:25:59,263 --> 00:26:01,703 They deserve a lecture from their father 410 00:26:01,765 --> 00:26:03,665 because what they did was wrong. 411 00:26:03,734 --> 00:26:06,464 I know you're right. I've been thinking about that. 412 00:26:06,537 --> 00:26:09,097 Here's what I thought. 413 00:26:09,173 --> 00:26:11,663 Why don't we make a movie? 414 00:26:11,742 --> 00:26:14,612 Spend more family time together? 415 00:26:20,317 --> 00:26:23,247 John, Paul... 416 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,720 and George. 417 00:26:25,789 --> 00:26:28,309 Sorry, Ringo! Come on, guys, let's go! 418 00:26:28,392 --> 00:26:32,622 Perfectly decent Christmas trees just waiting for us to put an axe in them! 419 00:26:32,696 --> 00:26:35,596 There you go. It's chilly 420 00:26:35,666 --> 00:26:38,066 Scarf on... oh, please! 421 00:26:38,135 --> 00:26:40,125 Who loves you? 422 00:26:40,204 --> 00:26:42,974 Do you love me? Hmm? 423 00:26:45,476 --> 00:26:50,236 Sleep in heavenly peace... 424 00:26:53,450 --> 00:26:56,280 Ruh-roh. 425 00:27:01,558 --> 00:27:05,318 What are you guys saying? 426 00:27:05,396 --> 00:27:08,556 Doing that thing they do. 427 00:27:08,632 --> 00:27:11,502 I don't like that thing. It's like their own language. 428 00:27:14,071 --> 00:27:15,941 Stop that, okay? 429 00:27:16,006 --> 00:27:18,296 Can you show me what you're drawing? 430 00:27:18,375 --> 00:27:21,635 You guys, secrets aren't nice. 431 00:27:21,712 --> 00:27:23,652 Honey, secrets are essential. 432 00:27:23,714 --> 00:27:26,884 Our children work for the Honduras CIA Task Force. 433 00:27:26,950 --> 00:27:29,710 Where am I turning? 434 00:27:29,787 --> 00:27:32,117 I don't know, just turn up there somewhere. 435 00:27:32,189 --> 00:27:34,159 - Shouldn't there be a sign? - I don't know. 436 00:27:34,224 --> 00:27:36,284 We live in the middle of the woods, we don't need a sign 437 00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:39,350 - to tell us where the trees are. - Okay, I just farted. 438 00:27:39,430 --> 00:27:40,800 Ho ho ho! 439 00:27:40,864 --> 00:27:42,994 Hey hey! No running with the saw! 440 00:27:43,067 --> 00:27:45,327 Christmas tree farm! 441 00:27:45,402 --> 00:27:48,032 - How could you let Jack carry a saw? - Trees of all sizes! 442 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,710 I carried a saw. My dad let me when I was 10 years old. 443 00:27:52,776 --> 00:27:55,606 - It's like a coming-of-age thing. - It's dangerous. 444 00:27:55,679 --> 00:27:57,839 Hey, how 'bout this one? 445 00:27:59,283 --> 00:28:02,283 That tree's, like, anorexic. 446 00:28:02,352 --> 00:28:04,952 - You're a pastor. - "American Idol," look out. 447 00:28:06,457 --> 00:28:10,717 The first noel 448 00:28:10,794 --> 00:28:13,924 The angels did sing... 449 00:28:13,997 --> 00:28:16,017 That's almost kind of scary. 450 00:28:16,100 --> 00:28:19,160 La la la la la la la 451 00:28:19,236 --> 00:28:24,066 You're my everything. 452 00:28:33,117 --> 00:28:35,137 "And Cain... 453 00:28:35,219 --> 00:28:39,019 and Cain said to Abel, his brother, 'Let us go out in the field. ' 454 00:28:39,089 --> 00:28:42,319 And when they were in the field, Cain rose up 455 00:28:42,392 --> 00:28:45,952 against his brother Abel and killed him. 456 00:28:46,029 --> 00:28:49,689 Then the Lord said to Cain, 457 00:28:49,767 --> 00:28:52,737 'Where is Abel your brother? ' 458 00:28:52,803 --> 00:28:55,773 He said, 'I do not know. Am I my brother's keeper? ' 459 00:28:55,839 --> 00:28:58,069 And the Lord said, 'What have you done?"' 460 00:28:59,510 --> 00:29:01,600 "So... 461 00:29:01,678 --> 00:29:05,308 so... so... so this Christmas... 462 00:29:08,886 --> 00:29:11,406 let's do more than just open gifts. 463 00:29:11,488 --> 00:29:13,418 Because we are... 464 00:29:13,490 --> 00:29:15,820 all of us... our brother's keeper. 465 00:29:19,630 --> 00:29:22,220 Let's follow in Christ's footsteps. 466 00:29:22,299 --> 00:29:24,599 Let's... 467 00:29:24,668 --> 00:29:28,098 Let's fight evil on a daily basis because then, 468 00:29:28,172 --> 00:29:30,702 and only then, 469 00:29:30,774 --> 00:29:32,804 can we call ourselves Christians, 470 00:29:32,876 --> 00:29:36,736 worthy in the eyes of the Lord." 471 00:29:38,549 --> 00:29:41,379 No one wants to hear this shit on Christmas Eve. 472 00:29:41,451 --> 00:29:44,281 You just suck. 473 00:29:48,325 --> 00:29:50,885 You suck... 474 00:29:50,961 --> 00:29:53,731 so so much. 475 00:29:57,534 --> 00:29:59,974 You suck. 476 00:30:02,506 --> 00:30:06,466 Ah, hey! Beautiful! You did it! 477 00:30:06,543 --> 00:30:09,213 - We have connection? - We have connection. 478 00:30:09,279 --> 00:30:12,039 - Tell me, Santa. - Anything, little girl. 479 00:30:12,115 --> 00:30:14,875 What is the secret to your gluteal success? 480 00:30:14,952 --> 00:30:17,112 Santa uses a Stairmaster, baby. 481 00:30:17,187 --> 00:30:20,157 Mmm, nice, I like it. 482 00:30:20,224 --> 00:30:23,354 - Eww, no presents for you! - Ho ho ho! 483 00:30:23,427 --> 00:30:25,187 Ho ho ho! 484 00:30:25,262 --> 00:30:28,322 Come on, guys! 485 00:30:28,398 --> 00:30:29,988 Rise and shine! 486 00:30:30,067 --> 00:30:32,867 It's a gastrointestinal Christmas! 487 00:30:32,936 --> 00:30:36,026 You're all invited to participate. 488 00:30:36,106 --> 00:30:38,766 Did you bring your whoopee cushion? 489 00:30:38,842 --> 00:30:41,242 All right, guys, who's ready for Christmas? 490 00:30:41,311 --> 00:30:44,511 - All right, it's Christmas time! - Yeah. 491 00:30:44,581 --> 00:30:46,481 What do we have here? 492 00:30:46,550 --> 00:30:48,180 - What is this? - Presents! 493 00:30:48,252 --> 00:30:51,282 Open 'em up. Let's see what we got. 494 00:30:53,790 --> 00:30:55,190 Oh my God! 495 00:30:58,595 --> 00:31:00,995 Can't stop it, I just can't stop it 496 00:31:01,064 --> 00:31:03,364 Can't stop it, I just can't... 497 00:31:03,433 --> 00:31:05,093 Stop it! 498 00:31:05,168 --> 00:31:06,898 I got presents 499 00:31:06,970 --> 00:31:09,060 So many presents. 500 00:31:14,645 --> 00:31:16,405 Super Soaker. 501 00:31:17,681 --> 00:31:21,211 Ah ha ha ha! How 'bout them apples? 502 00:31:21,285 --> 00:31:24,115 - That's not fair. - What? 503 00:31:24,187 --> 00:31:28,087 Jack Mathias Poe, put that water gun down right now. 504 00:31:28,158 --> 00:31:30,418 Right now, right this instant! 505 00:31:30,494 --> 00:31:32,164 Hey hey hey... not in the house! 506 00:31:32,229 --> 00:31:34,889 Not in the house! 507 00:31:34,965 --> 00:31:37,295 Ooh hoo hoo! The game is on! 508 00:31:37,367 --> 00:31:39,627 Come on, come on, come on! 509 00:31:39,703 --> 00:31:42,903 - The game is on! - Okay, now... don't get the camera! 510 00:31:49,046 --> 00:31:50,876 Not in here. 511 00:32:09,299 --> 00:32:13,329 Yesterday morning, the 25th of December... 512 00:32:14,738 --> 00:32:16,568 Christmas... 513 00:32:18,208 --> 00:32:20,438 Jack and Emily crucified the family cat. 514 00:32:26,650 --> 00:32:29,120 My children need help. 515 00:32:29,186 --> 00:32:33,246 As a doctor, as their mother, it is... 516 00:32:39,830 --> 00:32:42,130 My children need help. 517 00:32:42,199 --> 00:32:45,429 Subjects: Jack and Emily Poe, age 10. 518 00:32:45,502 --> 00:32:48,162 Birthday: October 31st, 1997. 519 00:32:48,238 --> 00:32:49,968 No prenatal trauma, 520 00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:53,530 no temporal lobe epilepsy or amygdala damage. 521 00:32:53,610 --> 00:32:56,640 Asperger's disorder possible, but unlikely. 522 00:32:56,713 --> 00:33:01,483 Malicious intent falls into the category of conduct disorder, 523 00:33:01,551 --> 00:33:06,421 a precursor to adult ASP or anti-social personality disorder. 524 00:33:06,490 --> 00:33:09,860 Either the MMPI or the PCL-R will have to be administered 525 00:33:09,926 --> 00:33:13,726 to test the ambit and extent of Jack and Emily's psychopathology, 526 00:33:13,797 --> 00:33:16,317 the ambit and extent of... 527 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:18,300 their malice. 528 00:33:24,608 --> 00:33:27,268 Ha ha, and welcome to another New Year's Eve, 529 00:33:27,344 --> 00:33:29,404 our first here at the Poe household. 530 00:33:29,479 --> 00:33:32,139 We're gonna usher in a year of prosperity, 531 00:33:32,215 --> 00:33:35,205 love and a healthy buzz... 532 00:33:35,285 --> 00:33:38,445 ...which I've been nursing since 5:00 this afternoon. 533 00:33:43,994 --> 00:33:46,494 Nyeh nyeh nyeh. 534 00:33:46,563 --> 00:33:48,393 Indians. 535 00:34:07,150 --> 00:34:08,950 Oh my God. 536 00:34:09,019 --> 00:34:11,349 David, I'm blowing my nose. 537 00:34:11,421 --> 00:34:13,451 - God. - Hi, honey. 538 00:34:13,523 --> 00:34:16,153 - You ready? - Do you mind? 539 00:34:16,226 --> 00:34:18,556 - I don't mind at all. - Good Lord. 540 00:34:20,530 --> 00:34:23,160 Hi! Okay, can you put it down now? 541 00:34:23,233 --> 00:34:25,203 - Cheers. - Cheers! 542 00:34:25,268 --> 00:34:27,628 - Happy New Year. - Mm-hmm! 543 00:34:28,772 --> 00:34:30,902 Are you ready? 544 00:34:35,545 --> 00:34:38,805 - Oh, boy. - Um, no. I just, um... 545 00:34:38,882 --> 00:34:41,252 I'm thinking that... 546 00:34:41,318 --> 00:34:45,448 maybe we shouldn't go out tonight. 547 00:34:45,522 --> 00:34:47,252 You know? 548 00:34:47,324 --> 00:34:49,264 The kids... God, stop it. 549 00:34:49,326 --> 00:34:51,846 The kids are fine. They're fine. Besides, Madre, 550 00:34:51,928 --> 00:34:54,518 you deserve a night out. 551 00:34:54,598 --> 00:34:58,058 Yeah, but we just... we never go out. 552 00:34:58,135 --> 00:35:00,465 And that's the point. Exactly why we should go out. 553 00:35:00,537 --> 00:35:03,097 Come on. 554 00:35:03,173 --> 00:35:07,343 We'll go out. We'll go to our old stomping grounds. 555 00:35:07,410 --> 00:35:09,210 We'll hit the city, we'll tear it up, 556 00:35:09,279 --> 00:35:11,039 we'll have some fun, see some old friends. 557 00:35:11,114 --> 00:35:13,484 Just for one night. 558 00:35:13,550 --> 00:35:15,540 Okay. 559 00:35:15,619 --> 00:35:18,589 Is the babysitter here yet? 560 00:35:18,655 --> 00:35:20,275 Huh-uh. 561 00:35:20,357 --> 00:35:22,327 Well, maybe we should call her, okay? 562 00:35:22,392 --> 00:35:24,762 Okay. 563 00:35:24,828 --> 00:35:27,318 Sorry. 564 00:35:27,397 --> 00:35:29,297 How much did you drink? 565 00:35:29,366 --> 00:35:32,626 Nothing. 566 00:35:32,702 --> 00:35:35,232 Not anything. Not much of anything. 567 00:35:38,008 --> 00:35:40,808 - You know what happens. - Yeah, I do, 568 00:35:40,877 --> 00:35:43,107 and I don't want that. 569 00:35:43,180 --> 00:35:45,310 That's gonna be my New Year's resolution. 570 00:35:45,382 --> 00:35:48,282 - Pfft. - What? 571 00:35:50,854 --> 00:35:53,524 Well, what's gonna be yours? What's your resolution? 572 00:35:53,590 --> 00:35:56,120 Secret. 573 00:35:57,928 --> 00:36:00,558 Secrets are cool. That's what we have around here, right? 574 00:36:00,630 --> 00:36:03,290 Oh, yeah, okay. 575 00:36:08,071 --> 00:36:10,731 That's why you don't want to go into the city, isn't it? 576 00:36:10,807 --> 00:36:13,367 'Cause you don't want to see people we used to know. 577 00:36:13,443 --> 00:36:16,883 'Cause just they might ask that inevitable question: 578 00:36:16,947 --> 00:36:20,937 "David, Clare, how are the kids?" 579 00:36:27,791 --> 00:36:29,691 Can you turn the camera off, please? 580 00:36:29,759 --> 00:36:32,019 Sure, I'll tell you what. Why don't you turn it off? 581 00:36:35,332 --> 00:36:38,772 You tell the camera your New Year's resolution, 582 00:36:38,835 --> 00:36:41,025 then you can turn it off. 583 00:36:42,305 --> 00:36:44,165 Come on, I told mine. 584 00:36:44,241 --> 00:36:46,181 I promise I won't watch it. 585 00:36:46,243 --> 00:36:49,343 You should turn the camera off! The battery's gonna die! 586 00:37:04,194 --> 00:37:06,754 I'm not talking into the camera. 587 00:37:19,242 --> 00:37:21,512 Hello. 588 00:37:24,881 --> 00:37:27,541 For you. 589 00:37:27,617 --> 00:37:29,047 Ding-dong. 590 00:37:41,131 --> 00:37:43,361 Yeah, I'm gonna smoke. 591 00:37:47,437 --> 00:37:49,597 New Year's resolution. 592 00:37:49,673 --> 00:37:51,703 Here we go. 593 00:37:51,775 --> 00:37:54,795 I resolve... 594 00:37:57,347 --> 00:37:59,777 I resolve to... 595 00:38:01,851 --> 00:38:03,841 ...not quit smoking. 596 00:38:13,730 --> 00:38:16,460 I want... 597 00:38:18,368 --> 00:38:21,858 I want this family to be 598 00:38:21,938 --> 00:38:25,598 the family that 599 00:38:25,675 --> 00:38:28,465 I thought it would be 600 00:38:28,545 --> 00:38:32,235 when I thought about having a family in the first place, 601 00:38:32,315 --> 00:38:35,975 because... this isn't. 602 00:38:40,623 --> 00:38:43,323 It's... 603 00:38:43,393 --> 00:38:45,863 I feel like I don't know these people. 604 00:38:52,502 --> 00:38:54,942 There are strangers in my house. 605 00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:01,170 Mom, help. 606 00:39:04,414 --> 00:39:07,444 What are you doing? 607 00:39:07,517 --> 00:39:11,037 Oh my God! What is this?! 608 00:39:11,121 --> 00:39:13,561 - I didn't do that. - Well, that's... 609 00:39:13,623 --> 00:39:16,393 Were you rough-housing with Daddy? 610 00:39:16,459 --> 00:39:18,389 - Who hurt you? Did Daddy hurt... - Well... 611 00:39:18,461 --> 00:39:19,761 Be quiet, David! 612 00:39:19,829 --> 00:39:22,159 Who hurt you? Did Daddy bite you? 613 00:39:22,232 --> 00:39:24,932 - Who bit you? - The man. 614 00:39:25,001 --> 00:39:27,301 - What man? - The man in the closet. 615 00:39:39,249 --> 00:39:43,279 January 1st, 2007, 616 00:39:43,353 --> 00:39:46,323 4:06 AM. 617 00:39:49,159 --> 00:39:52,219 Multiple bite marks found 618 00:39:52,295 --> 00:39:56,595 on both Jack and Emily's torso and arms. 619 00:39:58,735 --> 00:40:01,825 Bites so deep they left, for lack of a better word, 620 00:40:01,905 --> 00:40:04,995 craters in their flesh. 621 00:40:08,711 --> 00:40:12,811 It is worth noting, in the interest of full disclosure, 622 00:40:12,882 --> 00:40:14,712 a bit of the past when it comes to my husband. 623 00:40:14,784 --> 00:40:17,754 David was, as a child, abused. 624 00:40:17,821 --> 00:40:20,481 Abused children, as proven by Piaget, 625 00:40:20,557 --> 00:40:23,817 are predisposed as adults to abusing their own children. 626 00:40:23,893 --> 00:40:28,163 All I know is there's 627 00:40:28,231 --> 00:40:30,831 a lot I don't know about my husband. 628 00:40:30,900 --> 00:40:33,870 I know he drinks more than he should, and when he... 629 00:40:39,909 --> 00:40:43,309 Oh, this is specious. 630 00:40:43,379 --> 00:40:46,139 Children have overactive imaginations. 631 00:40:46,216 --> 00:40:48,646 The man in the closet is not real, 632 00:40:48,718 --> 00:40:51,618 but the bite marks are. 633 00:40:53,857 --> 00:40:56,187 Who's been biting my children? 634 00:41:06,503 --> 00:41:08,843 Ooh, you're pretty. 635 00:41:08,905 --> 00:41:11,265 Ooh, you look upset. 636 00:41:13,576 --> 00:41:16,636 Surprise! Happy Valentine's day, hon! 637 00:41:16,713 --> 00:41:19,203 - How was Philly? - I'm taking the kids to my mother's. 638 00:41:19,282 --> 00:41:21,152 - You're doing what? - If you want to have 639 00:41:21,217 --> 00:41:23,237 a normal conversation like two normal adult people, 640 00:41:23,319 --> 00:41:25,579 I'd be happy to do that but I am not doing this. 641 00:41:25,655 --> 00:41:27,205 Our kids are not normal. 642 00:41:27,290 --> 00:41:28,890 We can't move into the middle of nowhere, 643 00:41:28,892 --> 00:41:31,592 raise them in this Norman Rockwell world, expect everything... 644 00:41:31,661 --> 00:41:34,931 - nothing's changed. It didn't work! - What's your point? 645 00:41:34,998 --> 00:41:37,428 My point is that there's something bad in this house 646 00:41:37,500 --> 00:41:39,590 - and it isn't me. - Our children are behaving badly 647 00:41:39,669 --> 00:41:41,639 because they themselves have been treated badly. 648 00:41:41,704 --> 00:41:44,384 It is rudimentary cause and effect, symptomatic of a larger problem. 649 00:41:44,407 --> 00:41:46,837 I can't believe you're a psychologist. I can't believe it. 650 00:41:46,910 --> 00:41:48,640 You don't even know your own kids are psychotic. 651 00:41:48,711 --> 00:41:51,391 - Our children are not psychotic. - They crucified the fucking cat! 652 00:41:51,414 --> 00:41:53,644 Okay? They put goldfish in a sandwich. 653 00:41:53,716 --> 00:41:57,016 They put the frog in vise grips. I saw them eating raw meat! 654 00:41:57,086 --> 00:41:59,776 Obvious revolt from two abused children. 655 00:41:59,856 --> 00:42:03,156 Say it to the camera. Say I abused our children. 656 00:42:03,226 --> 00:42:06,216 - Say it to my face. - It's not... 657 00:42:06,296 --> 00:42:09,696 - Go ahead! - I'm not gonna say it to the camera. 658 00:42:09,766 --> 00:42:14,286 All right, say it to me. Go ahead, say I abused our children. 659 00:42:14,370 --> 00:42:17,310 It's not you. It's the fucking camera. 660 00:42:17,373 --> 00:42:19,933 I'm taking the children to my mother's. 661 00:42:20,009 --> 00:42:21,909 No, you're not, Clare. 662 00:42:21,978 --> 00:42:24,168 Their bodies were covered in bite marks. 663 00:42:24,247 --> 00:42:26,147 - I didn't do it! - Well, then who did, 664 00:42:26,215 --> 00:42:29,615 the man in the closet? 665 00:42:34,791 --> 00:42:37,231 Um, February 14th, 1:45 PM. 666 00:42:39,762 --> 00:42:43,432 While the student body of St. Walter's was attending 667 00:42:43,499 --> 00:42:47,439 a St. Valentine's Day assembly in the cafeteria, 668 00:42:49,505 --> 00:42:51,935 Jack and Emily cornered a boy, 669 00:42:52,008 --> 00:42:55,768 Christian McNamara, age nine, 670 00:42:55,845 --> 00:42:57,605 one grade below them, 671 00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:00,620 into the boys' bathroom. 672 00:43:00,683 --> 00:43:04,313 Once inside, they locked the door 673 00:43:04,387 --> 00:43:08,447 and began to bite him repeatedly. 674 00:43:10,627 --> 00:43:12,857 And they just wouldn't stop. 675 00:43:14,430 --> 00:43:17,560 The boy is fine, uh, medically, 676 00:43:19,268 --> 00:43:21,858 but Jack and Emily have been expelled. 677 00:43:21,938 --> 00:43:23,868 It's clear to me now that no one 678 00:43:23,940 --> 00:43:26,770 was biting Jack and Emily. 679 00:43:28,077 --> 00:43:30,907 Jack and Emily were biting each other. 680 00:43:35,451 --> 00:43:37,421 This has to stop. 681 00:43:43,626 --> 00:43:46,146 Emily? 682 00:43:49,132 --> 00:43:52,122 Emmy? 683 00:43:55,104 --> 00:43:57,404 Emily? 684 00:43:57,473 --> 00:44:00,443 Hey, honey. 685 00:44:00,510 --> 00:44:02,880 The shade is down. 686 00:44:18,428 --> 00:44:21,298 You ready to talk to me about what happened? 687 00:44:22,498 --> 00:44:24,558 'Cause I'm ready to listen. 688 00:44:42,752 --> 00:44:45,522 Why did you hurt Christian McNamara? 689 00:44:47,724 --> 00:44:50,454 Because you did hurt him, you know. 690 00:44:53,096 --> 00:44:56,026 They said that after you bit him, he was bleeding. 691 00:44:56,099 --> 00:44:58,499 You broke the skin but you kept... 692 00:45:06,142 --> 00:45:08,172 Why did you keep biting him? 693 00:45:24,026 --> 00:45:27,586 This picture, this drawing that you and Jack did, 694 00:45:30,233 --> 00:45:33,603 it seems like you had it all planned out. 695 00:45:33,669 --> 00:45:37,229 You were gonna bring him into the bathroom and lock the door, right? 696 00:45:39,609 --> 00:45:42,739 Well, honey, in court, that's called premeditated. 697 00:45:48,551 --> 00:45:50,991 Why did you hurt him? 698 00:45:59,428 --> 00:46:01,558 Baby, do you know how... 699 00:46:01,631 --> 00:46:03,901 do you know how in church 700 00:46:03,966 --> 00:46:07,196 I talk about how for every good thing that God does, 701 00:46:07,270 --> 00:46:10,830 Satan does a bad thing? 702 00:46:10,907 --> 00:46:14,597 Well, just like there are angels on the earth, 703 00:46:14,677 --> 00:46:17,737 there's also demons and they can go everywhere. 704 00:46:21,651 --> 00:46:24,281 Do you think there are bad things in this house? 705 00:46:35,832 --> 00:46:39,032 Who's the man in the closet? 706 00:46:41,737 --> 00:46:45,037 Emily? I need to talk to your father, 707 00:46:45,107 --> 00:46:48,167 so would you go downstairs, please, and please stay out of Jack's room? 708 00:46:48,244 --> 00:46:50,184 Right now. 709 00:46:50,246 --> 00:46:52,406 Thank you. 710 00:46:54,650 --> 00:46:56,950 I'm taking the camera. 711 00:46:57,019 --> 00:46:59,279 Oh, so you get to film the children but I don't, 712 00:46:59,355 --> 00:47:01,645 is that it? It's a family camera, you know. 713 00:47:01,724 --> 00:47:03,754 It's not yours. 714 00:47:05,862 --> 00:47:08,162 I use it for my work. Jack is my work. 715 00:47:08,231 --> 00:47:10,221 Jack is your son. 716 00:47:11,834 --> 00:47:13,634 All right, Jack, 717 00:47:13,703 --> 00:47:17,503 now we're gonna do what's called a Rorschach test, okay? 718 00:47:18,975 --> 00:47:21,435 All you have to do is look at the pictures. 719 00:47:26,282 --> 00:47:28,682 Tell me what you see. 720 00:47:32,688 --> 00:47:36,248 It's okay, Jack, Mommy's not gonna get mad, all right? 721 00:47:38,261 --> 00:47:40,861 You just have to look at the pictures. 722 00:47:40,930 --> 00:47:44,230 Just tell me what you see. 723 00:47:50,506 --> 00:47:53,936 Okay, I'll take the pictures back now, Jack. 724 00:47:54,010 --> 00:47:56,040 Give me the pictures. 725 00:48:17,733 --> 00:48:20,073 I'm beginning a... 726 00:48:22,104 --> 00:48:25,234 a course in, uh, psychopharmacology. 727 00:48:27,143 --> 00:48:29,113 10mg Clonidine. 728 00:48:41,123 --> 00:48:44,753 Exorcism doesn't exist for Lutherans. 729 00:48:46,796 --> 00:48:50,246 Nor does it exist, really, in practice for Catholics 730 00:48:50,333 --> 00:48:53,133 or for any Christians, for that matter. 731 00:48:53,202 --> 00:48:54,862 Yellow in the morning, 732 00:48:54,937 --> 00:48:58,297 white in the afternoon, pink in the evening. 733 00:48:58,374 --> 00:49:00,544 It's a practice that's deemed... 734 00:49:00,609 --> 00:49:01,869 archaic. 735 00:49:01,944 --> 00:49:02,074 Never ever take more than one pill at a time. 736 00:49:02,111 --> 00:49:05,341 Never ever take more than one pill at a time. 737 00:49:05,414 --> 00:49:07,414 Do you understand? 738 00:49:07,483 --> 00:49:10,653 Otherwise your body will go into what we call "a conscious coma." 739 00:49:10,720 --> 00:49:14,050 We've somehow today deemed it more palatable 740 00:49:14,123 --> 00:49:17,183 to reduce John Wayne Gacy's 33 murders 741 00:49:17,259 --> 00:49:20,819 to the fact that he was abused as a child. 742 00:49:20,896 --> 00:49:23,586 10mg Haldol... 743 00:49:26,836 --> 00:49:28,926 10mg Vesprin. 744 00:49:29,005 --> 00:49:31,465 I got news for you... 745 00:49:35,745 --> 00:49:38,675 there is evil in this house. 746 00:49:44,887 --> 00:49:47,407 Leave this house in Christ. 747 00:49:54,930 --> 00:49:57,690 Leave this house in Christ. 748 00:50:03,272 --> 00:50:05,712 Leave this house in Christ. 749 00:50:05,775 --> 00:50:08,295 Leave this house in Christ. 750 00:50:20,056 --> 00:50:23,616 This is my house! These are my children! 751 00:50:23,692 --> 00:50:27,822 Leave my fucking children alone! Get the fuck out of my house! 752 00:50:33,302 --> 00:50:35,402 Leave this house in Christ. 753 00:50:47,016 --> 00:50:49,276 Leave this house in Christ! 754 00:50:53,089 --> 00:50:54,519 Stay down, stay down! 755 00:51:02,898 --> 00:51:06,728 "The children of the kingdom will be cast into outer darkness, 756 00:51:06,802 --> 00:51:10,672 and there shall be weeping, there shall be gnashing of teeth." 757 00:51:10,739 --> 00:51:13,069 Leave this house in Christ! 758 00:51:13,142 --> 00:51:15,472 - David? David? - Leave this house in... 759 00:51:15,544 --> 00:51:18,384 Leave leave leave leave! 760 00:51:18,447 --> 00:51:21,077 Leave leave! 761 00:51:21,150 --> 00:51:23,810 Leave leave! 762 00:51:23,886 --> 00:51:27,316 Leave leave! 763 00:51:29,358 --> 00:51:32,048 It's okay, the evil is gone. 764 00:51:38,200 --> 00:51:41,260 April 8th, 2007. 765 00:51:41,337 --> 00:51:42,957 Easter Sunday. 766 00:51:43,038 --> 00:51:45,368 Two months have passed. 767 00:51:45,441 --> 00:51:48,171 I'm happy to report that since my last report, 768 00:51:48,244 --> 00:51:52,154 Jack and Emily's antisocial behavior has surceased. 769 00:51:52,214 --> 00:51:56,244 The Haldol and Vesprin show no negative side effects, 770 00:51:56,318 --> 00:51:59,378 allowing them to successfully reenter school. 771 00:51:59,455 --> 00:52:03,145 Much to our surprise, they have befriended Christian McNamara, 772 00:52:03,225 --> 00:52:05,685 inviting him over to hunt for Easter eggs, 773 00:52:05,761 --> 00:52:09,031 proving once again that there is no good child, 774 00:52:09,098 --> 00:52:11,258 there is no bad child, 775 00:52:11,333 --> 00:52:13,103 there is only diagnosis. 776 00:52:13,169 --> 00:52:17,129 - And with the diagnosis, treatment. - You're insane. 777 00:52:17,206 --> 00:52:19,396 I have treated my children. 778 00:52:25,548 --> 00:52:28,038 Hey, guys, what are you doing? 779 00:52:28,117 --> 00:52:29,777 - Hey, Dad. - Hi, Daddy! 780 00:52:29,852 --> 00:52:32,052 - Hey, Mr. Poe. - Hi, honey. Hey, Christian. 781 00:52:32,121 --> 00:52:34,491 - Are my kids being good to you? - Yeah. 782 00:52:34,557 --> 00:52:36,887 - Outstanding. - Hi, Dad. 783 00:52:36,959 --> 00:52:40,519 Hey, what's going on? Hi, honey. 784 00:52:40,596 --> 00:52:42,286 - How are you? - Good. 785 00:52:42,364 --> 00:52:43,734 What are you guys up to? Are you having fun? 786 00:52:43,799 --> 00:52:47,739 - Mm-hmm. - Nice. How about this? 787 00:52:50,306 --> 00:52:52,566 Is this embarrassing you? 788 00:52:53,609 --> 00:52:55,539 - Yes. - Huh? 789 00:52:55,611 --> 00:52:58,241 - Okay, what are you building? - A fort. 790 00:52:58,314 --> 00:53:00,484 Yeah? You have enough blankets to build a fort? 791 00:53:00,549 --> 00:53:03,519 - Mm-hmm. - All right, build it strong 792 00:53:03,586 --> 00:53:05,226 because William Tecumseh Sherman's coming. 793 00:53:08,891 --> 00:53:11,291 Too young for Fort Sumter jokes? 794 00:53:11,360 --> 00:53:13,790 - No, I got it. - It's not funny? 795 00:53:13,862 --> 00:53:16,092 - Nah, kind of. - Okay. 796 00:53:17,700 --> 00:53:19,860 We're gonna get ready for the Easter egg hunt. 797 00:53:19,935 --> 00:53:21,455 - Okay. - In a half an hour. 798 00:53:21,537 --> 00:53:23,937 Can I see by show of hands who wants to hunt Easter eggs? 799 00:53:24,006 --> 00:53:26,866 Outstanding. Okay, we're gonna do it in half an hour, okay? 800 00:53:26,942 --> 00:53:28,882 - Mm-hmm. - Synchronize watches. 801 00:53:28,944 --> 00:53:30,844 - All right. - We're not wearing watches. 802 00:53:30,913 --> 00:53:32,283 - Bye, Daddy! - Bye, Mr. Poe. 803 00:53:32,348 --> 00:53:34,578 - Hey, I love you. - I love you too, Daddy. 804 00:53:34,650 --> 00:53:36,880 - I love you, honey. - I love you too. 805 00:53:36,952 --> 00:53:38,322 - See you in the kitchen. - Okay! 806 00:53:38,387 --> 00:53:40,447 All right? 807 00:53:40,522 --> 00:53:43,392 Cutest kids in the world. 808 00:53:43,459 --> 00:53:46,289 I'm gonna do a little recap for the kids. 809 00:53:46,362 --> 00:53:48,392 10 years ago, Easter, you and I? 810 00:53:48,464 --> 00:53:51,994 Oh, Mr. Romance. 811 00:53:52,067 --> 00:53:53,997 Yes, children, 812 00:53:54,069 --> 00:53:56,499 your father was walking out of a church, 813 00:53:56,572 --> 00:53:59,412 looked across the quad. He spotted your mother, 814 00:53:59,475 --> 00:54:02,335 the patented David Poe charm kicked in and... 815 00:54:04,113 --> 00:54:06,453 You could almost hear it. We got to talking. 816 00:54:06,515 --> 00:54:08,975 Yeah, you got to talking. I got to staring, 817 00:54:09,051 --> 00:54:11,821 wondering what you were doing with a Bible in your hand. 818 00:54:11,887 --> 00:54:14,407 Mm-hmm, and she said with all requisite sarcasm... 819 00:54:14,490 --> 00:54:17,520 "Are Jehovah's Witnesses 820 00:54:17,593 --> 00:54:21,323 and other religious types 821 00:54:21,397 --> 00:54:23,157 allowed to flirt with co-eds?" 822 00:54:23,232 --> 00:54:25,202 I said, "No, Jehovah's Witnesses are not required 823 00:54:25,267 --> 00:54:27,597 by law to flirt with co-eds, however... 824 00:54:27,670 --> 00:54:30,370 Lutherans are." 825 00:54:30,439 --> 00:54:32,809 And I explained... 826 00:54:32,875 --> 00:54:35,735 Yes, with a great deal of condescension, I might add. 827 00:54:35,811 --> 00:54:37,511 ...with a great deal of condescension 828 00:54:37,579 --> 00:54:40,239 that if she had any doubts about this fact, 829 00:54:40,316 --> 00:54:43,716 that she might want to present herself at the divinity school kegger 830 00:54:43,786 --> 00:54:46,906 on Friday night at midnight because the Theology department 831 00:54:46,989 --> 00:54:50,359 at Harvard is, bar none, party central on campus. 832 00:54:50,426 --> 00:54:52,856 - That was our first date. - It was our first date. 833 00:54:52,928 --> 00:54:56,728 And you didn't think the beer was good enough for me 834 00:54:56,799 --> 00:54:59,559 - so you brought, um... - Come. 835 00:54:59,635 --> 00:55:03,195 - Um, you brought me... - A box of wine. 836 00:55:03,272 --> 00:55:06,802 - A box of wine. - Wine that comes from a box. 837 00:55:06,875 --> 00:55:09,635 - Mr. Romance. - Johnny Romance. 838 00:55:11,547 --> 00:55:13,517 And I asked you 839 00:55:13,582 --> 00:55:16,682 what could a psychiatrist and a pastor 840 00:55:16,752 --> 00:55:19,352 - ever have in common and... - I said, "Faith." 841 00:55:19,421 --> 00:55:21,181 ...and you said faith. Faith. 842 00:55:21,256 --> 00:55:25,746 That the two of us, more than any other people, could actually help people. 843 00:55:25,828 --> 00:55:28,958 That's right. And I do love you, 844 00:55:29,031 --> 00:55:31,561 but I don't believe in Freud. 845 00:55:31,633 --> 00:55:34,003 That's okay. I don't believe in God. 846 00:55:34,069 --> 00:55:37,229 That's okay. He believes in you. He believes in this family. 847 00:55:37,306 --> 00:55:40,166 That makes three of us. 848 00:55:47,216 --> 00:55:50,076 Is that a carrot in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 849 00:55:50,152 --> 00:55:52,682 As a matter of fact... 850 00:55:52,755 --> 00:55:54,015 Oh my God. 851 00:55:54,089 --> 00:55:56,559 ...it is a carrot. 852 00:55:56,625 --> 00:55:58,985 That came from the strangest place. 853 00:56:01,096 --> 00:56:04,216 - Would you like a bite of my carrot? - You know I would. 854 00:56:05,901 --> 00:56:08,841 - See? - Why, I oughta... 855 00:56:11,106 --> 00:56:13,126 Junior filmmaker bunny. 856 00:56:13,208 --> 00:56:16,078 Mr. Bunny, Mr. Filmmaker. 857 00:56:16,145 --> 00:56:20,075 Jack, Emily! Come on down, it's time to hunt for Easter eggs! 858 00:56:20,149 --> 00:56:22,669 That's the TV. 859 00:56:22,751 --> 00:56:24,241 It's so frickin' loud. 860 00:56:24,319 --> 00:56:26,449 "Frickin" '? 861 00:56:26,522 --> 00:56:29,552 Yeah, I said frickin', sorry. 862 00:56:29,625 --> 00:56:31,555 Jack, Emily! 863 00:56:39,668 --> 00:56:42,568 Hey, the TV. 864 00:56:42,638 --> 00:56:44,728 It's so loud... 865 00:56:56,785 --> 00:56:58,575 - Hey, what's up? - They're not here. 866 00:56:58,654 --> 00:57:01,184 - They're not here? What do you mean? - I don't know. 867 00:57:01,256 --> 00:57:03,016 Jack? 868 00:57:04,760 --> 00:57:06,890 Emily? 869 00:58:16,698 --> 00:58:18,858 Oh, what's reeking? 870 00:58:19,935 --> 00:58:21,595 Oh, Jack. 871 00:58:23,705 --> 00:58:25,035 No. 872 00:58:26,308 --> 00:58:28,498 No. 873 00:58:28,577 --> 00:58:31,407 Oh God. 874 00:58:52,367 --> 00:58:56,527 Because it's Easter Sunday and our children are minors... 875 00:58:59,374 --> 00:59:01,974 DCFS, against our better wishes, 876 00:59:02,044 --> 00:59:05,844 has given us custody of our children 877 00:59:05,914 --> 00:59:09,414 until the court arraignment tomorrow. 878 00:59:15,624 --> 00:59:18,754 Tonight will be their last night in this house. 879 00:59:23,732 --> 00:59:27,172 Tomorrow they will be charged as minors... 880 00:59:28,737 --> 00:59:31,537 with, uh, one count of 881 00:59:31,607 --> 00:59:36,407 unlawful restraint, one count attempted murder 882 00:59:36,478 --> 00:59:40,608 with a provision III clause of juvenile detention 883 00:59:40,682 --> 00:59:43,312 until the age of 18. 884 00:59:47,856 --> 00:59:51,046 Tomorrow morning, Jack and Emily are... 885 00:59:53,528 --> 00:59:55,888 Gonna go away. 886 01:00:01,503 --> 01:00:04,233 Like Abraham 887 01:00:04,306 --> 01:00:07,396 sacrificed Isaac, 888 01:00:07,476 --> 01:00:11,406 so we must sacrifice our children. 889 01:00:26,328 --> 01:00:28,588 But even still... 890 01:00:32,100 --> 01:00:34,470 I love my children. 891 01:00:39,041 --> 01:00:41,841 How can I not love my son 892 01:00:41,910 --> 01:00:44,710 and my baby girl? 893 01:00:46,882 --> 01:00:48,612 Come on. Come on. 894 01:00:48,684 --> 01:00:51,624 Honey. 895 01:00:51,687 --> 01:00:55,377 - What? - We can stop. 896 01:00:57,559 --> 01:01:00,819 No. 897 01:01:00,896 --> 01:01:03,726 - Come on, let's finish. - No no no. 898 01:01:03,799 --> 01:01:07,059 We're not gonna show this... 899 01:01:07,135 --> 01:01:09,925 to anyone, 900 01:01:10,005 --> 01:01:12,665 so we're not talking to anyone. 901 01:01:12,741 --> 01:01:14,731 We are talking to ourselves. 902 01:01:14,810 --> 01:01:17,340 Understand that? We're talking to ourselves. 903 01:01:17,412 --> 01:01:21,612 I'm sorry. 904 01:01:33,528 --> 01:01:35,958 - I'm sorry. - That's okay. 905 01:01:42,537 --> 01:01:45,057 I'm sorry. 906 01:01:46,141 --> 01:01:47,441 I'm sorry. 907 01:01:50,278 --> 01:01:52,868 DCFS, against our better wishes, 908 01:01:52,948 --> 01:01:56,708 has given us custody of our children 909 01:01:56,785 --> 01:02:00,185 until the court arraignment tomorrow. 910 01:02:01,890 --> 01:02:04,760 Hi, and welcome to "The Jack and Emily Show." 911 01:02:04,826 --> 01:02:07,016 I'm Jack. 912 01:02:07,095 --> 01:02:09,325 I'm Emily. 913 01:02:10,832 --> 01:02:13,202 Let's have some fun. 914 01:02:15,871 --> 01:02:19,471 You're quiet in there. I can't even hear you, 915 01:02:19,541 --> 01:02:22,411 but I know you're there. 916 01:02:24,379 --> 01:02:26,469 Let's have a staring contest. 917 01:02:26,548 --> 01:02:29,848 I dare you to stare until our movie's done. 918 01:02:31,052 --> 01:02:33,852 I bet you you can't. 919 01:04:19,794 --> 01:04:21,794 - Jack! - Please stop! 920 01:04:21,863 --> 01:04:23,763 Stop! Oh my God! 921 01:04:23,832 --> 01:04:27,862 Stop it! Oh, God, please! 922 01:04:27,936 --> 01:04:31,526 Jack, stop! Jack, what are you doing? 923 01:04:31,606 --> 01:04:34,436 Stop it! Stop! I 924 01:04:34,509 --> 01:04:36,339 Please! 925 01:05:38,773 --> 01:05:40,643 And action. 926 01:06:03,298 --> 01:06:05,958 Untie me, untie me. 927 01:06:06,034 --> 01:06:08,504 - I'm gonna call the police! - Untie me. 928 01:06:08,570 --> 01:06:11,370 Untie me! 929 01:06:15,677 --> 01:06:18,837 They cut... they cut the phone lines. 930 01:06:18,913 --> 01:06:21,443 Take the baseball bat. 931 01:06:21,516 --> 01:06:24,176 - Get the fucking bat. - What? 932 01:06:24,252 --> 01:06:26,412 - Get the bat, Clare. - Where? 933 01:06:26,488 --> 01:06:29,008 It's upstairs in Jack's room. 934 01:06:29,090 --> 01:06:31,150 I can't go up there. It's dark up there. 935 01:06:31,226 --> 01:06:34,126 Take the camera. There's a light on the camera. 936 01:06:34,195 --> 01:06:36,355 There's a switch on the side. 937 01:06:38,666 --> 01:06:40,896 Get the fucking bat. 938 01:06:40,969 --> 01:06:43,159 Where's the... where's the light? 939 01:06:43,238 --> 01:06:44,868 - It's on the side! - How do you turn on the light? 940 01:06:44,939 --> 01:06:46,909 By the handle on the side! 941 01:06:55,250 --> 01:06:57,510 Clare! 942 01:07:02,590 --> 01:07:04,220 Clare! 943 01:07:07,062 --> 01:07:10,092 Clare! Clare! 944 01:07:20,208 --> 01:07:22,678 Go! Go! 945 01:07:22,744 --> 01:07:25,544 Jack! Emily! 946 01:07:25,613 --> 01:07:29,073 Stop this shit right now! 947 01:07:29,150 --> 01:07:32,210 You listen to your father. 948 01:07:32,287 --> 01:07:34,977 Untie me. 949 01:07:36,524 --> 01:07:38,464 Un-fucking-tie me! 950 01:07:38,526 --> 01:07:41,456 Jack! Emily! 951 01:08:05,720 --> 01:08:07,150 Jack. 952 01:08:20,168 --> 01:08:23,598 All right, guys, I can see you so you don't move, okay? 953 01:08:23,671 --> 01:08:28,011 If you move, I will break every bone in your fucking body, do you understand? 954 01:08:30,578 --> 01:08:32,878 David? 955 01:08:32,947 --> 01:08:35,807 David! 956 01:08:35,884 --> 01:08:38,654 - Yeah. - Do you have everything? 957 01:08:38,720 --> 01:08:41,990 - Just one more bag. - Okay. 958 01:08:44,592 --> 01:08:46,862 - Are you okay? - I'm fine. 959 01:08:46,928 --> 01:08:49,018 Are you sure? 960 01:08:50,598 --> 01:08:52,958 - Honey, are you sure you're okay? - I just have a headache. 961 01:08:53,001 --> 01:08:55,331 - That's awfully bright. - Sorry sorry. 962 01:08:58,740 --> 01:09:01,800 All right, you guys. This is it. 963 01:09:01,876 --> 01:09:05,506 You are leaving this house. 964 01:09:05,580 --> 01:09:07,610 You are not our children. 965 01:09:10,552 --> 01:09:13,782 I don't know what you are. 966 01:09:13,855 --> 01:09:16,715 You stay right there. David? 967 01:09:19,494 --> 01:09:23,194 David? 968 01:09:23,264 --> 01:09:25,734 Oh my God. David? 969 01:09:25,800 --> 01:09:29,530 Honey? Honey? 970 01:09:29,604 --> 01:09:31,874 Oh my God. David? 971 01:09:31,940 --> 01:09:35,710 Oh my God. Oh my God! 972 01:09:35,777 --> 01:09:39,137 Oh my God! Oh my God! 973 01:09:42,850 --> 01:09:45,110 What did you do? 974 01:09:50,625 --> 01:09:53,355 Oh my God. 975 01:09:53,428 --> 01:09:56,018 Oh my God, did they drug us? 976 01:09:57,398 --> 01:10:00,388 Oh my God. You fucking drugged us! 977 01:11:08,703 --> 01:11:11,303 No! 978 01:11:12,940 --> 01:11:15,840 Get back! Get the fuck...! 979 01:11:24,886 --> 01:11:27,906 Get back! 980 01:12:02,490 --> 01:12:04,620 Help! 981 01:12:15,570 --> 01:12:18,540 Help! Help! 66700

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