Original subtitles

(phone ringing) (copier whirring)

So.

What's up?

- Me, all night, dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body.

You're being gross.

Not from a male perspective.

You need to set me up with her.

I know she told you that she's looking,

and she's totally not responding to my moves.

What moves?

- I have moonwalked past accounting like 10 times.

- I can't believe that's not working.

Yeah.

- I don't know if I really see you two together.

Really?

Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.

She's very religious.

- Okay, well, I come from a line of WASPs

so long it leads back to Moses.

- Okay, well, she takes her convictions pretty seriously.

She can be kind of severe.

- Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.

- That's right, you did. - Yeah.

Now that I think about it,

Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple,

but I couldn't do that to Dwight.

Or Angela.

Or Andy.

- Okay, fine, I don't need your help.

She'll eventually relent to my pleading.

Just don't come to me when you need something.

Okay.

- You should still come to me, I'm a good guy to know.

- Dwight, could you come in here please?

(binder clatters)

(upbeat music)

I used to get offers in the mail

for credit cards all the time.

They would say things like, "Don't pay for six months,"

or, "You can transfer your account from another card."

Do you think I'll get any new ones I could...

What?

What do you mean, what?

Are you listening to what I was saying?

- I was saying was aware that you were speaking.

What is the matter with you?

What is the matter with me?

- Hey, Kevin, you're a gambler, right?

A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses.

- I do gamble, Michael. - Yeah.

I was thinking about doing some gambling myself.

You know, just a little bit of money, maybe doubling it,

and then doubling it several more times.

I don't know, kind of just for fun.

I was thinking, do you have any tips

or ideas about sure things?

Like a long shot that's gonna come in big, big time,

but it's definitely gonna come in.

Say a horse with a broken leg

who's hopped up on amphetamines.

Even if such a horse existed,

it doesn't sound like a winner.

Well, okay.

Or, like, a boxer

who is gonna throw the big fight.

You know, like, he's tied into some crooked dealings

and maybe his kid is sick or something.

Like, who would I call about that?

The mob.

- Do you know anybody in the mob?

Okay.

Oscar, I'm gonna need to take another advance on my salary.

Gentlemen, a word.

Look, you guys are my closest friends in this office.

Right back at ya.

- And, as such, I come to you-

State your business.

- I am dying of lovesickness and horny sickness.

That isn't possible.

Unless you mean gonorrhea.

- I'm talking about Angela, okay.

Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day?

- Yes, I did, but I don't think she means it.

Angela is in a great deal of pain

because of the death of her cat,

and she's in a kind of grieving process,

and it makes her say things, so best to just lay off.

No can do.

I am itching all over with Angelapox.

- Oh my God, you do have gonorrhea.

- Hey, Andy, maybe this is one of those situations

where you just have to do her to get her out of your system.

Stay out of this, you.

- What do you mean? You have plans tonight?

I have my daughter tonight,

we're renting "Charlotte's Web."

- Well, you have to make a choice.

It's either your daughter or me.

My daughter.

Okay.

I see how it is.

Oops.

That was cold.

- There she is the lip-lappin' Vance.

[Phyllis] Hi, Michael.

How you doing, old girl?

What's going on?

- Actually, I wanted to talk to you

about the vent above my desk.

It is-

- I haven't talked to you in about a year,

since you got married, about Bob and how's it's been going.

All right, he treating you well?

Does pretty well in terms of money, right?

He's making enough money?

Is he supporting you with enough money?

Yeah, he does very well.

Yeah? That's good.

That's good, you're very lucky.

Not everybody's that lucky.

It's hard, you know, it's hard.

Are you asking me for money?

- Oh, God, no, no, no, absolutely not.

Do not embarrass yourself that way.

- Well, actually, I don't feel comfortable

giving Bob's money away-

- Phyllis, why don't you just give me the money

and we'll forget about this.

Give you the money?

- Oh, forget it, you can't take a joke.

That wasn't even a joke.

- He's always been terrible with money.

- I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poor.

Yeah, women be shoppin'.

- I can't believe he has a second job.

- He's not even good at his first one.

Hey, guys.

What you talking about?

Okay, I know what's going on.

Talking about Jim and Pam.

If they're having sex, what it looks like.

- I know. - Michael.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Michael, are you having money problems?

- Monkey problems, no, I'm not having monkey problems.

Why would I have monkey problems?

I know you heard me correctly.

[Michael] I hate monkeys.

- What's going on, why do you have a second job?

I don't have a second job.

Maybe I am having an affair with Suzanne Somers.

- But you tried to borrow money from me earlier.

- And I would have loaned it to you.

But I don't need it.

Doesn't Jan have money?

- I don't talk to my girlfriend about money.

It is rude and unsexual.

True.

It's best to hide our money problems from women.

I totally agree with you,

but I don't have money problems.

All right, you know what?

Watch this.

If I had money problems, would I do this?

[Phyllis] Well.

- [Stanley] You just put it back in your pocket.

Yeah, but I destroyed it.

It's not even usable anymore.

- The trick is always pay yourself first.

Put away a little money even before you pay your bills.

- Or you just marry a millionaire refrigerator tycoon.

Scam of the century.

Thanks for your help.

This was very informative and great, appreciate it.

Bob's a millionaire?

God, I've been banging the wrong guys in this building.

Oh, he'd never sleep with you.

He's always hated you.

Hey, fellas, and the lady.

- I still do not have your reimbursement check.

That's not why I came over.

I mean, it's a week late,

but I just came over to say hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Angela, you like lacrosse?

Lacrosse, the sport?

- Scranton U varsity is gonna scrimmage the JV squad.

Should be pretty interesting, you wanna go?

- No. - 'Cause we could get

- some food afterwards. - No.

Andy, no

(Kevin chortling)

Still waiting on that check.

- Hey, let's call this what it is.

It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around.

It's gotten to the point where I get excited

every time I see that little dude walk through the door.

- I just need to know where this is going.

Hey, I like you.

What's not to like?

But you need to access your uncrazy side.

Otherwise, maybe this thing has run its course.

- Don't you dare walk away from me, Darryl Philbin.

You are the most selfish person I've ever met in my time-

Slow down, think it over.

- Darryl Philbin is the most complicated

man that I've ever met.

I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking?

What kind of game is that?

- Hey, cuz, heard you're having money problems.

No, you didn't.

Listen, I got the answer.

You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.

Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy.

When Creed Bratton gets in trouble,

he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.

How would that help, Creed?

In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.

- You don't go by Monopoly, man, that game is nuts.

Nobody just picks up get out of jail free cards.

Those things cost thousands.

That is a good point.

- Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do over.

It's a fresh start, it's a clean slate.

- Like the witness protection program.

- Exactly. - Not at all.

I've always wanted to be in

the witness protection program.

Fresh start, no debts, no baggage.

I've already got my name picked out.

Lord Rupert Everton.

I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs.

That's the life.

(Michael coughs)

I declare bankruptcy.

(Oscar knocking)

Hey, I just wanted you to know

that you can't just say the word bankruptcy

and expect anything to happen.

- I didn't say it, I declared it.

Still, that's not anything.

Well, how do I do it?

- Well, are you absolutely sure that you need it?

I have no idea.

- Okay, find an expert, have him look at your finances,

consolidate your debt, make a budget,

pay down your principal.

Could you do that?

I have work to do.

- You could do it on company time.

I would authorize it.

I will pay you, I will give you $4,000

of coupons, credits and back rubs.

Back rubs?

Okay, 5,000, cash.

- Okay, that's probably why you're in debt.

- Well, if me being generous is a problem, then lock me up.

They might.

This is a lot of credit card debt.

Yeah, tell me about it.

You know, Jan has my credit cards,

and she's using them as if I'm made of money.

She thinks I'm a human ATM machine.

$218, Target.

That was Jan.

She bought washcloths and sheets.

Okay.

Kmart, $178.

That was Jan again.

This time she went and she bought glasses and silverware.

Okay.

- Who needs an entire set of silverware?

- Well, grownups use silverware, that's-

- Yeah, well, grownups can also eat with their hands, so.

Okay, $125, Amazon.

- Oh, "Best of the Muppet Show" on DVD, classic.

- $1,200, what's a Core Blaster Extreme?

- That is, by far, the best way to strengthen your core.

This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball,

you put your feet into the power stirrups,

you reach up and you grab onto the super rod,

and you twist, and you twist, and you twist.

It strengthens your entire core.

Your back core, your arm core.

Your, the Marine Corps actually uses it.

I think that's how they got core.

I can only do, like, one rep, it is so hard.

Amazon, again, $125.

I don't know that is.

- You forgot you already bought the Muppet thing

and bought it again accidentally, didn't you?

- No, well, I thought I'd lost it

and it was in the DVD player.

Am I a shopaholic?

No, I really don't drink anymore,

and, actually, I like to be sober

when I buy stuff because, I don't know,

I just don't want anything to inhibit that rush

that I get when I'm making a purchase.

I don't know, it feels like I'm drunk

or, like, high.

(phone ringing)

- I left a little present for Angela.

I think she's going to like it,

'cause I found it outside Vance Refrigeration, all alone,

and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her.

That they were destined to be together.

I got game.

(phone ringing)

I made you an apology mix.

- Huh, that's lot of the Michelle Branch.

- She's gonna change your life, I'm so sorry.

- I'm never gonna listen to these songs, ever,

but I do appreciate the thought.

- You take me away for the weekend?

- No, look, I laid out how I felt about things.

All right, we're more than a ball

and a smile away from being good.

(forklift whirring)

- Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month

on stuff you need, like a car and a house.

- That's so cool how you have my name at the top.

- The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials,

like magazines, entertainment.

- Right. - Things like that.

This scary black bar is what you spend

on things that no one ever, ever needs,

like multiple magic sets,

professional bass fishing equipment.

- How do you do this so fast, is this PowerPoint?

- Okay, you need to focus, Michael.

You need to stop spending money.

Yeah. What?

I hate to ask you this,

but are there any retirement funds you can borrow from.

My CDs.

You have CDs?

- I do. - Okay, okay.

What bank?

My CDs are in a portfolio.

A rather large portfolio called Case Logic,

and the Case Logic portfolio is currently

in the backseat of my car.

There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio

clipped to my visor. (Oscar groaning)

What?

- I'm asking about certificates of deposit.

- I've been putting money into CDs for years.

I bought music that I didn't even like.

(phone ringing)

Dunder something.

No, we're all out of paper.

- Is there a paper shortage I should know about?

I'm on break.

(recorder tooting)

- Man, Angela really had a hold on him.

Angela.

Michael, I'm gonna set you

and Jan up with a debt consolidator.

You meet with this guy-

- No, we are going to leave Jan out of this.

She has to know.

We will find another way.

We'll ask PowerPoint.

- Michael, this is a presentation tool.

You're a presentation tool

if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.

- I'm done. - No, you're not.

Okay, just, you're not a tool.

Look, we'll tell her that it's bad,

but it could have been a lot worse,

but due to some fancy financial footwork,

I was able to cut it in half.

Jan is smart.

She poses.

- Dwight, how's the hotel business?

Stupid.

- Have you checked TripAdvisor recently?

No.

Maybe you should.

Maybe you should...

Whatever.

We wrote a good review.

Under comments, we wrote, "The natural aroma

of the beets drifts into the bedrooms

and makes you dream of simpler times."

- [Jim] "The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings."

- [Pam] "Table-making never seemed so possible."

- [Jim] "You will never want to leave your room."

- [Pam] "The architecture reminds one

of a quaint Tuscan beet farm."

- I'm glad you enjoyed your stay.

We really did, it was fun.

(Dwight sighs)

- So, due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering,

he finds himself tremendously in debt.

[Jan] You're broke?

- That's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying?

- [Jan] I mean, Michael, how'd this happen?

Where exactly did your money go?

I don't get this. I really don't.

I don't understand how (train honking)

you could be so irresponsible.

I mean, it is astounding to me, really.

I don't know what more to say.

Jan.

[Jan] Yeah, what?

Michael left.

[Jan] Okay, where did he go?

I don't know.

- [Jan] Well, is he coming right back?

[Oscar] I don't think so.

[Jan] I'll be right there.

What am I doing?

I'm blowing Dodge.

I'm getting out of town.

Whatever you call it,

I am running away from my responsibilities.

And it feels good.

(phone ringing)

You may ask me out to dinner.

Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars,

no patios, no vegetables and no seafood.

Dwight.

(Dwight sobbing)

- Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?

(Dwight mumbles)

Yeah, I didn't think I had.

Well, it was all about Pam.

(Dwight mumbles)

Yeah, I mean, she was with Roy

and I just couldn't take it.

I mean, I lost it, Dwight.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't concentrate on anything,

and weird stuff, like food had no taste.

So my solution was to move away.

It was awful.

And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

And that includes you.

- Hey, I was thinking about dinner.

Uh, dinner.

Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place

where the dry cleaner used to be.

Okay.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay.

- Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.

- Yeah, I'm very passionate about Italian food.

In fact, I'm in love with Italian food.

(tires squealing)

- [Oscar] Jan, he went running that way.

* Runaway train never coming back *

* Run away and I'm never coming back *

Michael?

Hey, Jan.

What's going on?

Not much.

What's up with you?

- [Jan] Why are you sitting on a train, where are you going?

I'm out of answers, Jan.

What does that mean?

I told you, no more answers.

This is who I am now.

A guy on a train with no answers.

I hope that can be enough for you.

Michael, come on.

Running away from your problems

won't solve anything, you know that.

I don't know that.

- Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease.

Your debt follows you around the world electronically.

I'll stay off the grid.

Oh, Michael, come on, come on.

You can deal with this, it's not that bad.

Yeah, it is.

It is.

I really messed up.

Well.

When my life fell apart

and they screwed me in New York,

and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me,

I didn't have anyone.

I mean, my whole family still

won't even talk to me, on the advice of counsel,

and my friends were just waiting for this to happen.

- That's really nice of you to say.

- Michael, no, what I wanna say is,

you were there for me.

By my side.

Without even a thought.

That's just who you are.

I mean, no matter

how badly I treat you

or what I'm going through,

you just, you are there for me,

and that is a guy worth staying beside.

So where's this train taking us?

I think the engineer left.

- Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder Mifflin,

and according to our records,

you appear to be low on office supplies.

Oh, okay.

Sure, yeah, I can take care of that right now.

- I can't see myself spending the next six years

digging myself out of that kind of hole.

Well, we will.

I have...

We just will.

Okay.

I have some ideas.

Tell me.

I am not gonna tell you yet.

[Michael] Well, please?

I won't tell anybody.

[Jan] Oh yes you will.

[Michael] Yeah, I will.

Don't sell your implants please.

- [Jan] I'm keeping them, I know you like 'em.

They're kind of uncomfortable though.

[Michael] It's nice, though.

- They're kind of painful. - Looks cute.

- [Jan] And my nipples aren't as sensitive now.

[Mose] Cannonball, ooh.

Lemon bomb.

Jim, Pam, watch.

Jim, Pam, watch.

- Jim, Pam, watch. - Okay, we're watching, Mose.

[Mose] Go Yankees.

[Jim] Doing great, buddy.

[Mose] Name's Mose, buddy.

Dwight, can I stop?

They're not even looking.

- No, they paid for a show, do more spins.

- Dwight, it's totally okay, he can stop.

Hey, it's not your decision.

Higher.

[Mose] More spins.

- [Dwight] Just try and keep the saw

right on your pencil mark.

Ah, dammit.

[Mose] Helicopter.

(tools clattering)

(upbeat music)