Original subtitles

He's a whore.

-Who are we talking about? -Jules! The guy. He's a man-whore.

I don't get it.

And in the sack?

-What? -Tonight's chick.

We didn't have sex.

-Weren't you supposed to? -Yes.

Actually, her friend booked me to help her get over a breakup.

But I was given a full-on script, I'm like the perfect guy...

What's nice is she's already payed for two dates.

-Two paid up front with a script? -Yep.

Lucky you. Who are you supposed to be?

-A schoolteacher. Cool, normal, romantic. -Nice! I've never had a client like that.

Hey, don't worry.

-What could go wrong? -Oh, I don't know.

Gonorrhea? Herpes?

Or worse! She could fall in love.

This isn't Pretty Woman. She won't fall in love with a hooker.

Except she doesn't know he's a hooker!

Are you thick?

In Pretty Woman, he knows, he's the one paying.

In this case, you're paying... Are you paying, by the way?

Yeah.

Honestly, it's super unlikely she'll fall in love with him, Milou.

He's the type of guy who says, "Bon appétit!" Elsa hates--

Shut up! Change of address.

-What do you want-- -Shut up!

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

THE LAME PLAN

THE CRAZY PLAN

THE BOOTY PLAN

THE HOOK-UP PLAN

-It'll be quicker on foot. -Yeah, yeah...

Sorry about her. Give her a good rating anyway.

-Bye, Amine! -Bye!

-This is a big mistake. -Shut it until we get to her place.

-Then you can tell her everything. -Just trust me!

I briefed the guy really well. I pimped him so she digged him.

Because you met him in person?

Jules?

-It's ringing, it's ringing. It's her! -What should I say?

Dinner Friday night.

Yeah, right, you found it. In Charlotte's bag.

No, on the bar at the party.

ROGER LA GRENOUILLE, 8 P.M.?

-Where are you? Can I pick it up? -I could drop it off.

-I'd like to see you again. -You're wasting my time. Smile.

-Like that? -There we go.

-By the carousel? -Perfect. See you later.

From now on, this is your new phone.

How could you do this to her?

Didn't she suffer enough with Max? It's disgusting.

It's not what you think. It's a new app, like Deliveroo for dicks.

There's something for everyone. Look at these winkles!

-No. No. No. -These dongs, they're all guys.

-What about saving Elsa? -Can't hear you!

It's illegal, too.

Hey!

-You're so old-school, I like to give. -Oh, yeah? And how did you pay for this?

Have you not lived rent-free for two years because you're broke?

-This is getting vulgar. -Is your defense ready?

Hey, Milou, chill out.

Let it go. Think about Elsa.

"It was really cool to spend time with this guy."

"OK, I panicked but it did me a hell of a lot of good."

"Sleep well, I love you, El."

Stop sulking!

I've only paid for two dates, it will loosen her up.

If I get the tiniest hint of her getting attached...

Then what? You'll stop talking to me? You'll be pretty lonely, I'm your BFF.

Order us an Uber?

Come on, we're not walking home!

Milou...

Oh, you're such a pain!

-Such a pain! Milou! -You're a pain.

NEW MESSAGE TO: JULES DUPONT

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M COMING!

Lame.

Come on, one spoon for Mommy...

-Come on. -Not sure about the sugar.

It's not just sugar. Sometimes, it's fries, pasta, kebab.

Even some straw.

Rubbish!

Have they left yet?

Can you hear that waterfall?

-It's Milou's morning wee. -Antoine!

Now she's yelling at my brother for something really serious

like a teaspoon in the wrong place.

Oh, shit!

Shit out of luck!

Do you want to go food-shopping later?

Why not. How about an antique fair too?

Brunch with your friends and their sprogs?

Way to turn me on.

You're such a potty mouth!

You'll need to make an effort for your interview today.

I'm not sure it's really the job for me.

Manager of a pastry store.

-And the boss looks like the #MeToo kind. -Sue him, then.

-Hello? -Who is it?

Two seconds. It's your dad.

Right, I'm off. Catch you before your Eurostar?

-OK, suits me. -See you!

Yes, hello?

I can't talk right now but meet me at 11, you know where.

OK, perfect.

-Was that him? -Is my brother not here?

Stop this!

You haven't had the happy trimester yet, have you?

I have, actually.

Antoine, she's doing it again.

She's doing it again. That's enough.

Stop putting your keys there, we'll get robbed.

Yes, they'll steal your non-stick pans.

-OK, enjoy yoga! Have a good day! -I will!

-Antoine? -In the bathroom.

-Did you get my Weetabix? -Morning.

-Morning. Did you get my Weetabix? -Yes, in the kitchen.

Best bro del mundo!

See you!

-Flush? -No time!

NEW MESSAGE TO: JULES DUPONT

FANCY A DRINK WITH MISS PIGGY ON FRIDAY?

So lame...

Hey.

Hey.

Hello.

-You look like you're feeling better? -Yep, absolutely.

Yeah.

-Did you hear about the sports hall? -Vaguely.

Talk about touchy...

The news crews are already there.

-I don't even know what to tell them. -The truth? Oh, no, wait.

Are you going to kick them out?

I don't know. Wasn't that your idea of a good solution?

Bye.

Yeah. Bye.

Yes, they entered without permission,

but the hall's been closed for three months.

It was freezing last night, they had nowhere else to go.

Sir, migrants are humans too, you know.

OK. Tell me, apart from you, who has a problem with them being there?

So, you can take your complaint and shove it right up your ass.

Thanks for your call.

-Hey. -Hey.

What's going on?

I paid you for sex, not for snacks and then bed.

-I'm sorry but she's like Fort Knox. -She's scared, man.

That's why I'm paying you, to unlock the fort.

Usually, when I enter the stage, the door is wide open...

No means no, golden rule.

Don't you need milk with that?

Can you focus for a second, please?

Right. Phase two. Here's the program.

OK, you do exactly what's written there. Then...

give her this to eat.

She'll spill it, for sure.

Take her top off... You know how it goes.

-OK, I'll try. -No, you'll give it your all.

Give it your all, man!

Did you learn your lines about your dad and the watchman?

Yeah...

-You don't sound convinced. Did you? -Yes. Don't you trust me?

Yeah... Let's say I do.

Right. Oh, slightly awkward detail.

Your card was declined.

Really?

Take care of it before tonight or this is for me.

Yeah, all right.

I have, like, 2,000 credit cards, who do you think I am?

Jules! Jules!

What did you think of her? Cute, right?

-Is she cute or not? -What difference does it make?

You like her...

I knew it. Give it your all! I'm with you all the way.

I'm a genius!

Benjy, my buddy!

How's it going?

-Did you like it? -He's made a lot of progress.

-Hi, Manon. -How's it going?

-You coming to Karine's drinks? -I don't know.

-I don't know, maybe. -You're in demand...

It's my girlfriend's shopping list.

And this.

Right...

Yeah...

-Right. See you later. -See you later.

Now, in Weetabix boxes, there's, like, 16 biscuits.

There used to be 32, 34 if you were lucky. Crazy, right?

-That's marketing for you. -Marketing?

Half the number of biscuits so that you buy twice as many boxes.

-It makes sense. -Yeah.

By the way, darling, could you lend me 200 euros?

Like today, right now, before 6:30 p.m.?

-It's for Elsa's birthday. -I've already chipped in online.

-Oh, yeah, the online kitty... -I don't know.

-I'll see what I have. -Don't worry about it.

I won't walk you to the train, this isn't Titanic.

PROBLEM WITH YOUR CONTRACT. STAY IN PARIS. CALL ME.

-Are you OK? -Yeah.

Right, I'm off.

-See you! Bye, buddy! -See you next time!

Hello.

Cut the snow, please.

Fancy lunch with me?

I might look unattainable but I'm cool.

So they say.

And my roommate is late so I have time.

-Do I know you? -You might.

Oops.

The ad.

The thing for... Carole!

-Yeah? -The extra. He's from that ad.

-The one who farts in the lift. -No!

-You know, Flatuline! -Flatuline?

The price of success, man.

-How did it go? -Two secs, I'm still in character.

It's not easy.

It will never be finished before Baby arrives.

Are you an architect now?

Hey, tea break is over, guys.

How long do I have to lie to my brother about your mat leave?

Antoine still thinks you're going to yoga?

If I went as much as I say I do, I'd be the Dalai Lama.

What about the hottie, Jules?

What are you waiting for?

-I don't know, I have a mental block. -Don't force yourself.

-You're not feeling it. -Really?

-Yes. -No.

Just send him a text.

-No. -Yes.

-No. -Yes.

-Yes! -No!

She has a mental block.

Yes. But what do I say?

If it's to end up in little pieces and fed to pigs...

-A guy killed a girl he met on Tinder. -Yeah?

That's Black Mirror.

You're just rusty, honey.

Trust me!

Hang on. Let me do this. Hang on!

Just a sec. Right.

Simple, direct...

cute and sent.

-Oh, no! -You didn't send that?

Oh, no, no, no!

Shit, all this is potato starch?

That's the magic of cinema.

-They're not going to wait for it to snow. -Absolutely.

What's that thing? A walkie-talkie?

Elsa's mate gave it to me, all part of the act.

-So, it's Elsa now? -I don't get the text. Here.

-Don't send any BS. -Your thing can't read emojis.

I'll forward it to my phone so we can decode it.

So?

Peach, corn, heart.

-She's up for it. -And yet...

What shall we reply?

Here.

A theater? I'm supposed to spike her interest with a theater?

No need, she's a client. Just write what's on the paper.

I'll just add a couple of eggplants...

a peach and a tongue.

-Classy. -Shit...

Meet at the stage door.

Déjazet Theater. 6:30 p.m.

And the final touch: corn, donut, wet, wet.

Done.

-This will translate to a normal text? -Dude. Am I a geek or what?

Forward it.

He's replied!

-What did he say? -Alien, alien, poop, baby.

Stage door. Déjazet Theater. 6:30 p.m.

Santa, hospital, hospital.

Typical psychopath.

It's positive, right?

Well, it's not negative, and you have a date, girl!

The aliens must be a metaphor for us.

And the Santa means you're a gift from Heaven.

-You think so? -No.

-Déjazet Theater. Intriguing, right? -Yeah!

-He's original, I love it. -It's just a theater!

What I don't get is the poop emoji.

Ah, yeah! Maybe it's to say we're like two aliens...

in this shitty world.

Who cares! Just reply. Otherwise, it's like you're playing games.

-And that's whorish. -Is it?

-Yes. -Nonsense.

-You're right, it's whorish. -Yep.

-No! -You found a man in the fax-machine era.

-Well, yeah. -OK.

-You don't know anything. -Yes, I do.

DEJAZET THEATER

Sorry, I'm always late.

Three minutes, I can forgive you. How are you?

-Shall we? -Yes.

Is it a surprise?

Do you trust me?

Yes.

It's Jules.

Evening, sir.

EMERGENCY EXIT

Where are we going? What is this?

-Sweet, you even planned a picnic. -Yeah.

-What's in the boxes? -Meatballs.

-Meatballs? -Don't you like them?

-Meatball sandwiches? -Yes.

I live for meatballs!

What's going on? This is so cool.

-How do you know this place? -Come.

Have you always lived in Paris?

I have but, actually, I don't look at the city anymore.

I don't. We always go to the same places, it's boring.

We're... Whoa!

-This is incredible. So beautiful. -Come.

So, you see, it's a shame, we should take time to enjoy it.

-Whoa! -Shush!

Come on! Come!

MANON: LUNCH TOMORROW?

With pleasure.

-Is that you? -No, it's Catherine Deneuve.

-Did you stay till close? -No, we just chatted for a while.

You know, pregnancy chat.

-What are you doing? -I'm going to shower.

Can I come with you?

No, I don't feel like it. I'm fat and I don't want you to see me naked.

I need some me time, I'm about to pop.

-My little popcorn! -No.

And set your phone to silent.

You know I hate those beeps.

We live in a world of stupid little beeps: dishwasher, TV, washing-machine, phone.

I'm sick of it!

Are you mad at me?

No, don't worry.

-OK, I love you. -Me too.

It's really good.

-This can't be the first time you do this. -I'm sorry?

You know, the secret theater, the concert, the picnic.

Fancy a sandwich?

Nice swerve.

OK, I'll confess.

I came here as a kid.

My father was a fan of music and theater and...

he couldn't afford it but had a deal with the night watchman.

Yeah?

It's not the first time I come here but... you are the first girl I've come with.

In my family, music is a religion.

Shit!

Shit.

-Don't worry about it. -What an idiot!

Why can't I stay clean like all those girls

with their perfect messy bobs, their slim black jeans...

I'm a mess, I'm disgusting. Even when I'm clean, I'm not.

What are you on about? Who cares?

-Let's take it off. -Yeah?

Hang on, just a sec, sorry, I...

-What's up? -I...

-I can't. -What do you mean?

I need to leave, sorry.

-You're leaving? -Yes.

There's an hour left.

Elsa!

Elsa!

Elsa, wait.

Elsa.

Wait up!

Shit, I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry, what's wrong? -Everything.

I'm rubbish.

You're anything but rubbish.

You're beautiful.

You're so pretty I forgot about your jumper.

Don't leave like this.

That's all well and good but...

next time, you're fucking him.

There won't be a next time.

What's going on?

You're acting so weird tonight.

Are you hiding something from me?

Huh?

OK, we have to confess.

Charlotte has to confess.

Are you coming?

We didn't find anywhere for your birthday party.

Phew...

I was so worried.

And...

And... And...

And...

And... And...

don't expect a group gift because no one chipped in.

For now.

Yes, for now.

Subtitled by: Julia Knapp