Original subtitles

What do you want to know? Um... .

See that? A clock, calculator in one. So... .

That's free. Thank you. .

Oh, here we go. .

-(ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS) -Three. .

Hello, David, it's Paul Shepherd here. Can you give us a call, mate? Cheers. .

No! .

Dave, it's Julian. Can you give us a ring, please? .

-Go away! -(ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS) .

Good bloke. Good laugh. .

-David, it's Paul again, I think... -Leave me alone! .

(MESSAGE CONTINUES, INDISTINCT) .

It's fine. It is fine, that one. .

That's okay. It doesn't matter. .

Take that there... .

That's the old office. So... .

Let's get you started. Ohh. .

No one is going to lose their jobs. .

Yes, Head Office are talking of downsizing, .

but they've said clearly .

that the most efficient branch will incorporate the other one. .

We are the most efficient branch. .

Cogito, ergo sum, we'll be fine. .

DAVID: Why should they be worried, yeah? .

They trust me implicitly. .

I've said there's not going to be any redundancies, so that becomes gospel. .

Unconditional trust. It's nice. .

Mutual. Likewise. Reciprocated. .

My only worry is that the powers that be don't come down here .

and pop their head round the door with their rule book .

and go, "Oh, hold on, what's going on here? .

"These people are mucking around." Right? .

"Whilst getting the job done, they're having a laugh at work .

"with the Sword of Damocles hanging over them." Right? .

"This isn't in the rule book. Who's in charge here?" .

Guilty! Get a new rule book! .

All right? .

It works with the turtle. .

(ALL LAUGH) .

Okay. Good. Um... .

Finally, this young lady is Donna. .

DONNA: Hello. ALL: Hello. .

Daughter of my best friends Ron and Elaine. .

She's lodging with me, so she's my responsibility, .

and her dad's not only a copper but he's a bloody big bugger, isn't he? .

So, hands off. .

I've got something she could take down in evidence! .

Oh, don't worry about this lot. .

Do you want to receive some swollen goods? .

(ALL LAUGH) .

Wouldn't mind escaping up her tunnel! .

Get out. .

Get out. I mean it. .

(SIGHS) .

It's a shame. .

I will not have her tunnel .

bandied around this office willy-nilly. .

Right. .

Okay. Help her to settle in. .

If you do have any trouble from the men... .

-What does she do, Dawn? -Kick them in the balls. .

-Oh! Feminist. -Get your bra off. .

Do you want to go out as well? .

Sorry. Burn your bra but... Feminists. .

-Good point. -Yeah. Right. .

Obviously keep a T-shirt on, like Charlie Dimmock. .

-Okay. -Women's libbers. .

That's it. .

(TAPPING) .

What are you doing? What are you doing? That's ridiculous. .

(PHONE RINGING) .

Hello. Wernham Hogg. .

Yeah, hang on a minute. I'll just put you through. .

That is... You won't need to use that. .

You've met this lot. Um, this is Gareth, .

who you saw in the meeting. .

Formal introductions. .

Hi. Gareth. Welcome. .

Just a handshake is fine. .

-And Ricky. -Hi. Nice to meet you. .

Even longer. .

And Tim. .

-Hello. -Good. .

Okay. Settle her in. Get her started. Show her the phones and everything. .

But first, methink the lady dost need a chair. .

To sit down on. .

Maybe she should sit down here .

then I could teach her the ropes, .

seeing that's my responsibility as team leader. .

David? I'm just saying, maybe... .

When people say, .

"Oh, would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?" .

My answer's always the same. To me, they're not mutually exclusive. .

There's a weight of intellect behind my comedy. Yeah? .

If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, .

I probably wouldn't say, um, Einstein, Newton... .

You know. I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. .

Sessions. .

(TIM LAUGHS) .

Gareth, have you got a licence to carry that? .

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) .

Portable phone. All right? .

Can you swap places with Donna, please? .

No... I'm not moving. .

Do as you're told. .

Why, what are you going to do, phone me? .

-I am team leader. -I don't give a monkey's. .

You're so immature. .

Gareth, if there's one thing that I am not, it is immature. .

You're an immature little tosser. .

(MOBILE RINGS) .

-Gareth Keenan. -Cock. .

-So... -David, I was just saying to Tim... .

Looks like a... Doesn't it? .

-Gun holster. -It's just my portable telephone. .

I was just saying to Tim maybe... .

Sorry, I just thought of something. .

(IMITATING CLINT EASTWOOD) I know what you're thinking, .

did I make five or six calls? .

The question is, do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya? .

-Clint Eastwood. -Spot on. .

Let's let them get on with it. Okay. .

We're all online here. Hooked up .

to the world wide web. Internet. .

No shopping. All right? .

Um, everyone's got email. Have you used email before? .

-Yeah. -Yeah. It's easy, isn't it? .

-I'll just show her on here. -Yeah. .

Oh, you got a new one. See where it says "New mail"? .

Just go to that. Just click on that. .

(GASPS) No. .

No, it's not... Yeah. It's not funny because .

Donna should not have to see me .

as a woman with two men doing that all over me. .

You've got nice boobs. .

No. It's just not, it's just my head. They've put it on there to... .

Who else has seen this filth? .

You know what I'm talking about. Who else has seen this filth? .

You haven't even got email, Joan. .

Someone printed it out for me. .

Who printed this out for Joan? .

Wow. I'm angry. .

And not because I'm in it, .

but because it degrades women, .

which I hate. .

And the culprit, whoever he is, is in this room. .

Or she. It could be a woman. .

Women are as filthy as men. .

Naming no names. I don't know any. .

But women are dirty. .

Good friend of mine and a bloody good rep, Chris Finch, .

IQ of 142, one of the cleverest blokes I know. .

Certainly the cleverest bloke you know, isn't he? .

Chris Finch, yeah. .

He was in an argument once and he went, .

"How can I hate women? My mum's one." .

Yeah? There's a lot of truth in that. .

And that's why when I see rubbish, all right? .

I'm not annoyed 'cause I'm in it or I'm a prude. .

-It offends women. -And our mums. .

In a way. It's sexist, and I hate that. .

-So do I. -Yeah, but I've said it, haven't I? .

We've both said it. We've had meetings where we've both said it. .

-Yeah, but I really hate it. -I've always... .

The point is this, yeah? .

We've got access to the internet, yeah? But it is not censored. .

Is that a good or a bad thing? .

-Bad. -Well, it's not for us to say. .

All I know is I can type in .

"sex...fetish". Yeah? .

It takes a little while. .

2,230 matches. Yeah? .

Just click on one at random. .

Oh... .

"Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs." .

Now, you do not punish someone, .

Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs. .

If anything, they should be rewarded. .

-They should be equal. -Women are equal. .

I've always said that, so... .

-Do you want to play with my hair? -Huh? .

-Do you want to play with my hair. -Play with your hair? .

All right, then. .

I've got kind of hot hands. Sorry. .

That's all right. Just don't touch my head. .

All it is... .

Well... .

Donna. .

Yeah? My responsibility. .

Away from home. I know boys will be boys. .

Word from the top is... .

-Hands off. -Yeah. .

-Out of bounds. -Yeah. .

-Look, but don't touch. -What do you mean by look? .

Talk to her, be friendly, .

-don't get any ideas. -Yeah. Good. .

Fine. .

What if she's up for it? .

You want to get some of this sorted out, mate. .

-What can we play now? -I don't know. .

Ask around. Find out who did the picture, yes, .

-discreetly. -Undercover. .

Well, don't go steaming in, accusing people. .

-Mmm-hmm. -Okay? .

No, I'm trained in this. When I was in the army. .

-Territorial. -Territorial Army. .

Yeah, whatever. Okay? .

Okay. I will need some stuff. .

Like what? .

An office. .

Well, use the meeting room for now. .

Right. I can say it's my office, can I? .

What? .

I can say to people, "Come into my office"? .

-Well, while you're doing this, yeah. -Right. .

-I'll make a sign. -You don't need to make a sign. .

And if I need the meeting room for a meeting, .

it's the meeting room again, so... .

-Right. I'll take the sign down. -Don't need to make a sign. .

-(MOBILE RINGS) -Don't make a sign. .

Gareth Keenan. .

-So... Who was that? -No one. .

No, I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. Bye. .

That's that, okay? .

You go left, you go right, kick. .

It's ding ding da! .

Yeah, but I never said that was... .

No, that was straight from Thriller, though. .

He goes... # Eeeh hee! Ah! Chamone! # .

-It's that. -Afternoon, Mr Jackson. .

I know you're an international superstar but have you sent that fax yet? .

Have you heard, um... Have you heard, uh... .

Michael Jackson's new song he's doing? .

He's teamed up with West Ham football team, apparently. .

Doing I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles! .

The chimp. .

She doesn't know about football. Tell her later. .

Have you heard George Michael's latest release? .

No. George Michael's latest song. It's his release... .

-Is it about blow jobs? -Yeah, the thing in the toilet, .

-it was a hand job. -Right .

DONNA: Is it Wank Me Off Before You Go Go? .

(ALL LAUGHING) .

Um... .

What's white and slides down toilet walls? .

-I don't know. -Michael Jackson's latest release. .

George Michael's. .

Good, innit? Oh. .

-Can you moonwalk? -Probably not any more. .

-Give it a go? -Yeah. I used to... .

You got to drop your heels back. .

Not on this. You can't do it on this. .

-Let me show you. -I used to do it, yeah. .

Oh, yeah, I know how to do it. We used to do all that stuff as well. .

All that sort of stuff, yeah. Just like take control of the body. .

-And it's all that now, isn't it? -Yeah, and it's all... .

-Busy? -Yeah, just, uh... .

keeping up the morale. .

-Can we have a chat? -Yeah. .

Ooh! .

Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith... .

Thanks for coming in. Um... .

Now, you know what this is about. Obviously you've seen the picture, .

-you know, of David on the computer... -I saw it, I saw it. .

Yeah. And we've all had a bit of a laugh about it, haven't we? .

-It was funny. -Yeah. .

There's a time when the joking has to stop, though. Um... .

Not only is it derogatory... .

GARETH: David has trusted me with this because .

not only have I got people skills, .

but I am trained in covert operations. .

You know the phrase "softly softly catchee monkey"? .

I could catch a monkey. If I was starving, I could. .

I'd make poison darts out of the poison off of deadly frogs. .

One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey, or a man. .

Prick yourself, you'll be dead within a day. .

Or longer. .

Different frogs, different times. .

Do you know who done the picture? .

Yeah. .

No. I mean, no. .

Right. Your first answer was "yeah". .

-Wasn't it? -I meant no. .

-Well, why did you get... -Uh... Don't know. .

Am I making you nervous? .

No. I mean, yeah. .

Hmm, that's interesting. .

I've just spent two days in Swindon with Neil .

and he's made some big changes. .

Now, when we spoke on Friday, .

you said you were going to instigate some changes of your own. .

I just wondered how that was going. .

-Great. -Good. What have you done? .

Changed many things, really. .

In a global sense, .

streamlining the whole ongoing enterprise of it. .

I'm sorry, David, that sounds like management-speak to me, .

-and I know you hate that. -Yeah, I do. So... .

Well, can you give me, let's say, .

five practical changes that you've actually made? .

-Five changes? -Mmm. .

I'll give you three, and then another two if you need them. .

Okay. .

Efficiency. Turnover. Profitability. .

I'm sorry, David, that still sounds like management-speak. .

-No, because... -You hate that. .

-Shall I tell you what Neil's done? -Can do. .

He's frozen any wage increases, .

he's put a stop on all overtime. .

And any purchases of £100 or more now go through him. .

Hundred? I was going to make it 90, but 100's all right. .

And he has started making redundancies, David. .

-That's only four. -Yeah. Whatever, David. .

Have you made any redundancies? .

I gave a speech only this morning to my staff, .

assuring them there would not be cutbacks in this branch .

and that there certainly wouldn't be redundancies, so... .

-Why on earth would you do that? -Why? Oh, don't know. .

A little word that I think is important in management called "morale". .

Well, surely it's going to be worse for morale in the long run .

when there are redundancies and you've told people there won't be? .

They won't remember. .

-With your arms... -This way? .

-Ah! -And then... .

-Ooh! Yeah, I know. Like a... -More of a... .

DONNA: Yeah. RICKY: That is nice. .

I'll be honest with you, David, there have got to be cutbacks. .

Now, if you can't manage that yourself, .

that's why I'm your boss, I can do that for you. .

You're not the boss here. And you don't have to do anything for me .

'cause I've already made cutbacks. .

-What, you've made cutbacks already? -Yeah. .

I didn't want to tell the staff, but to you... .

Cutbacks where? .

Staff. .

-So there have been redundancies? -Yeah. .

-Well, have you let anyone go? -Yeah. .

Who? .

Julie. .

Where does Julie work? .

Warehouse. .

What does she do? .

Just general warehouse in the warehouse. She was, uh... .

I'm sorry, David, I thought I knew everyone in the warehouse. .

What's her surname? .

Second name? .

Anderton. .

Um... It's signs that Gareth's made for the door of his office. .

He started off with "interrogation room". .

He went to "interrogation office", .

"investigation room", .

"investigation office", just for the... .

He really lost it here. .

"Quiet, please! Investigation in process!" .

"Silence. Interrogation." That's frightening. .

That's the one he's gone for. "Investigation and meeting room." .

Makes sense. My personal favourite, though, has to be... .

"Gareth Keenan investigates!" Why? .

So... .

There's a lot of um... .

-I'm trying to work in here. -Sorry, mate, yeah. .

-How is the investigation going? -Good. .

-Very good. -Do you need a deputy at all? .

No. I've already got one. .

-All right, Sheila? -All right? .

Keep it down. .

This is scary, David. .

Don't tie any more cash up in stock unless you have to. .

I'm sure you could lose more people from down here. Who's the foreman? .

Taffy! .

Taffy! (GIGGLES) .

-Glynn! -What? .

We all call him Taffy. .

The thing is, though, no one's dispensable in my book. Yeah? .

'Cause we're like one big organism, one big animal. .

Yeah? The guys upstairs on the phone, they're the mouth. .

And the guys down here, the hands. .

-Mmm. And what part are you? -Good question. .

Probably the humour. .

With responsibility comes harsh things. .

Um... People look at me, they say, "Oh, he's tough. He was in the army. .

"He's going to be hard. By the book." .

But... .

I am caring and sensitive. .

Isn't Schindler's List a brilliant film? .

Um, yeah. .

See? People think a strong man can't be sensitive .

but I'm thoughtful and caring... .

Sorry, what's this about? .

About the picture of David with the two blokes jizzing on him. .

Were they both jizzing on him? .

I thought he was sucking one of them off. .

I don't think... .

No, look, it's just jizzing. .

Well, I didn't do it. .

Good. Fine. .

Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. .

I don't want you to think of me as your boss. .

Well, you're not. .

Well, I'm higher up than you, so I am. .

What I'm saying is don't think of me as a boss, .

-but know that I am. -I don't think you are. .

Well, I'm team leader, so I am. I'm higher up than you. .

(MOBILE RINGS) .

Gareth Keenan. .

Right, seriously. Now, just stop it. .

Yes, I've had office romances. .

Loads. .

Not here, another place I worked at. .

Good-looking ones as well. .

But they're not a good idea, office romances. .

It's like shitting on your own doorstep. .

I've had loads of offers here, but I go, "No way." .

Distracting. And that's actually one of the major arguments .

against letting gay men into the army. .

And I haven't got a problem with that. .

You know, a gay man's not going to put me off. I can handle myself. .

But if we were in battle, .

is he going to be looking at the enemy or looking at me .

going, "Oooh"? .

You know? "He looks tasty in his uniform." .

And I'm not homophobic, all right? .

Come round, look at my CD collection. .

You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. .

They're all bummers. .

(DOG BARKS ON TV) .

All right, lads? What are you watching? .

-It's my dog shagging his dog. -Oh, yeah. .

Glynn, I'm sure David's made it clear to you that you'll be losing personnel. .

That's a funny bit. Look at Gazza's face! .

I'm sorry to interrupt, .

do you think you can lose any more staff from down here? .

-I know you lost Julie Anderton. -Who? .

-Opening a can of worms there. -Julie Anderton. David fired her? .

-Never heard of her. -Oh, loyalty. .

When someone goes from this organisation, they no longer exist. .

She never existed, did she? .

-Well... -You made her up. .

Well, you backed me into a corner and I... .

-You lied. -It's a form of acting. .

Can you take this upstairs? We're a bit busy. .

-You don't look busy. -Do you want me to get busy, love? .

I'm sorry? .

You can be next. Gazza likes some posh. .

-A word with you. Now. -Yep. .

That was out of order in a way. .

-Ooh! -No, I'm not in trouble. .

What she needs is a good shagging! .

I might bloody have to now. See you later. .

Now, then. You two. .

Dawn and Tim. .

What do you want, Gareth? .

I've been assigned to find out who did the picture. .

Right. Who was it? .

-Well, I don't know. -Will you get fired? .

-Will I get fired? -If you don't know who did it. .

Well, I'm finding out now. I'm doing investigations now. .

-Was it one of you two? -Yes. Christ, you're good. .

-Was it? -No! .

I knew it wasn't. .

Listen. I'm not going to fire you if you know anything .

-because... -You couldn't. .

-I could. -How would that work? .

I would say, "You're fired. Clear your desk and..." .

I would say, "You don't have the authority." But go on. .

Not true, not true. .

Because in this room, I have special... .

-Needs? -No. I am a special... .

-Needs child? -No, and that's not funny. All right? .

-I won't have you fired because... -You couldn't. .

-Right, that's all. -Thank you. .

I just can't believe their total lack of respect. .

Yeah, yeah. Not only did they undermine you in an authoritive sense... .

-(KNOCKING) -Come in, Gareth. .

...but they left an image in my mind .

of you naked on all fours .

being quite literally done doggie-style. .

David! .

-Carry on. -What is it? .

I've found the guilty man. .

-Have you indeed, Mr Keenan? -Can this wait, David? .

Uh, yeah, .

but if I tell you there's pornography, sexist pornography, which I hate, .

going round the office, then do you want it to wait? .

Pornography? .

-Who was it? -Surprise, surprise. It was Tim. .

Shame. Good man. How can you be sure? .

I found these pictures on his hard drive downloaded from the internet. .

After investigation, .

licensed by, carried out by... .

Oh, no. .

Urgh. I don't want you to see this. I don't want to see this. Urgh. .

That's worse than the one before. .

Oh, I hope there aren't any more. There are more. .

Well, he will have to be disciplined .

because when the disciplining has to be done, .

then the laughter stops for that amount of time, then continues, .

rehabilitation notwithstanding. .

It's everywhere. Oh. .

How did you find out? .

Well, I suspected the pictures probably came off the internet, .

so I checked everyone's computer. .

'Cause there is a log of every web page you've visited. .

You just go to Internet Page and then Net History. .

-Well, it's not worth it... -It only takes a second. .

I don't want to even know how it's done, in a way. .

Can you delete the history thing on the computer? We should, really. .

-David, this is a meeting. -Yeah, yeah. .

Okay. That's all. Anything else? .

Um, oh, Taffy phoned from the warehouse. .

-He's got another funny video for you. -Thanks. .

-This is just one big boys' club! -Not really. .

Seedy little men with seedy little jokes. .

This morning, perfect example! .

I do not want to be put in that position again. .

Don't go down the warehouse. .

David, don't tell me where I can and can't go in my own company. .

-Advice... -You're on very thin ice as it is. .

You've already lied to me today. What's that? .

You lied to me because you don't have the guts to do your own job. .

I don't have the guts? .

If you're not man enough to do your job, I will do it for you. .

Not man enough? .

Okay. .

Come here. .

Busy at work? .

-Is there a problem? -Yeah. That. .

-I'm sorry. What's that? -(CHUCKLES) "What's that?" .

I don't know. A dirty picture with my head on it, as a sex object. .

And don't... You know I like a laugh, Tim. I'm just... .

Porno laughs are not funny, okay? .

-I'm disappointed. -You think I did this? .

Case closed. .

Hey, shouldn't I say that? As it was my investigation. .

What annoys me is you obviously didn't do it in your own time... .

Whoa, whoa. Colombo here figured it out, did he? .

Well, yeah, of... I must be guilty if you've got your best man on the case! .

Stop trying to be funny for one second, Tim, okay? .

And listen, okay? And stop taking advantage of my good nature .

'cause I could be like every other boss in this situation. .

Okay? Right? .

You're taking the piss and I'm getting sick of it. .

David, it wasn't me, okay? It was your good friend Chris Finch. .

He used my computer. .

He said he was your best mate and you'd find it hilarious. .

Oh... .

No, it is. That was never in question. .

I think it's bloody hilarious. You're missing the... .

Are you going to apologise to Tim? .

I'll tell you about families. You don't have to, in a way. .

So... .

Are you going to apologise to Tim? .

I have, in a way... .

-Are you going to apologise now? -Yes! .

S... sorry about that. .

You weren't involved... You covered for it so well, as well. .

You were involved, but you covered, that's what I like. .

Well, I really wouldn't want to be here when you bawl out Finchy. .

You won't be. It's not fair. Nor will you. .

So it's not offensive now it's Chris Finch? .

Let's not dwell on whether it is or isn't this or... .

Let's stop degrading women, shall we? Please. .

Let's have a laugh with them, not at them. .

Let's have a laugh at work, .

with women, at us. .

So I trust you'll be telling Chris Finch he won't be working with us any more? .

Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll get rid of a good rep .

'cause he played a joke. Brilliant. .

-David, don't even start. -No, no, fine. .

That's come from the top. .

Yeah. Hi, Chris. It's David here. Yeah. Bad news, mate. .

We're going to have to let you go. We can't use you any more. No. Yep. .

'Cause of the joke. .

No, I've got a sense of humour, but that was offensive towards women, .

and I can't tolerate that. I'll have to pass on... .

...the time sponsored by Accurist will be 4:21 .

and 40 seconds. .

-Pathetic. -Is it? .

At the third stroke, the time sponsored by Accurist .

will be 4:21 and 50 seconds. .

Sorry, has anyone got the right time? .

# So what becomes of you, my love .

# When they have finally stripped you of .

# The handbags and the gladrags .

# That your granddad had to sweat .

# So you could buy # .

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. .