Original subtitles

Congratulations, Major Shaw.

On 20 years of distinguished service in the United States Army.

I insisted on being here today in front of your friends and family to bestow this

honor upon you and take it away from Colonel Quinn.

Well done, Major Shaw.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Happy 20 years!

Happy 20 years!

20 years!

I can't believe it.

In my two decades, the American military has

won and abandoned so much in the Middle East.

But, what's made it worthwhile are the friends and family I've made along the way.

My call of you?

Now, I know how much you like to move me up.

I do.

I got 80 more of these in the van.

You want to see if I can get lift off in a high ceiling room or what?

I was hoping you'd say that.

I know how much you love nasty grandma candy.

Oh!

Is it a hard candy read?

Yeah?

My favorite, including all the best flavors, brown, light brown and big.

Yes!

This is too much.

No, it's not.

20 years of deserving of an honorable gift.

The singing cactus I sent you so many tics about?

Is it the one that's inappropriately somber?

It is the one... Oh, this is just what I wanted.

I didn't know this was a thing.

So... You're traditionally not into the... things.

Oh, it's not a thing.

It's not a thing.

It's not a thing.

No, it's a big thing.

20 is not just a big thing.

It's the biggest thing.

Yeah.

It means you get your pension and your lifetime health care.

And more important than anything else, really.

The respect and acknowledgement of MOY.

A challenge going?

Yeah.

Six different colors.

You guys, thank you for all the gifts.

I love you, man.

Yeah, we can.

Oh, also... I got you this.

It's a much... and I just tried a little bit of it to make sure it's not too cold.

I held it until the ice melted.

You got him a drink that you've already drank.

This is going to hit the spot.

Do I have to drink it?

Oh, are you packing for your camping trip?

Celebrating major shows 20 years to write a passage.

Yeah?

I think it's great that the two of you get to spend some time.

time together.

One last hurrah.

What are you talking about?

Now that he's hit 20, he's considering retirement and

has met with the transition officer with bomb holder.

I don't believe you.

I think you're lying.

You know, this is privileged information that

you cannot act on which makes it more fun for me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey!

General Davidson didn't realize you were still here.

Major Shaw didn't realize that you was still here.

Hey.

You know what?

I was just checking the weather about our trip tonight and it looks crazy.

There's a cold front coming in.

It's going to rain.

And now they're saying snow.

So I think maybe we should move it.

Like six months to the summertime you'll be here, right?

I already got permission from Celeste for tonight.

I'm not that I need a permission because I am my own man.

I do what I want to do.

Sure.

You know, but I'll check the calendar.

All right.

Great.

Summer.

Six months from now.

What about 12 months?

Well, the app doesn't go that far.

I have a feeling that the weather will be even better in 12 months.

It's a feeling that's not the app.

What weather effort are we looking at?

Just answer the question.

Okay.

Well, the weather looks pretty great right now.

So why don't we give tonight a shot and just see how it goes.

Maybe?

Smart.

Keep your options open.

Okay.

So then I'll see you tonight, Colonel.

Or in 12 months, maybe 18 months because I don't know what's happening here.

Okay.

I hope I haven't ruined your trip.

Oh, you haven't ruined my trip.

It's the camping trip where I convince you to become a lifer.

The only thing that's going to convince you of

is that he should have retired five years ago.

You need a hobby, sir.

This is my hobby.

huh.

I know you love seeing Celeste completely blow it in

front of her husband who you're secretly in love with.

Oh, I did not.

I really would like one side of the love triangle to be happy, right?

Good to be happy.

Oh, okay.

Oh, come in.

Okay.

So now we ask you guys something.

Of course.

Okay.

Do you think the app was upset?

I didn't do more for his client.

No.

No, it's back.

I think he might be upset at the idea of you being upset.

Oh, my gosh.

I feel like that totally summarizes our whole

relationship with constantly misinterpreting each other.

I'll think he's like mad, but really he's just hungry.

And then I'll think he's hungry even really.

He just wants to make a baby.

Yeah.

Strike couple so crazy.

I really want to make it up to him.

I know you really love those presents, especially that cactus.

They say that?

I can tell.

Daniel or maybe he's hungry.

I was hoping I could run some ideas past you guys.

Yep.

Oh, we're actually going to go off so busy.

Get us a list.

How about a hot stone massage?

Oh, I take some rocks from our yard.

Preheat the oven.

Okay, how about on them?

Outside rocks.

Yeah, those are jagged.

Like you need special stones to special training.

What if I made a stinner?

Lovely.

Well, that's better than rubbing on them with rocks.

Yeah, dinner in bed.

Yeah, and I'll make his favorites spaghetti and meatballs.

That sounds like a wet meal for bed.

Mm-hmm.

Too wet.

Yeah, wet bed.

or, you know, even speaking of a dinner, you could plan a dinner with his friends.

That is such a good idea.

I don't know why I was overthinking it.

I do that.

Yeah, great.

Do that.

Mm-hmm.

Do you guys help me plan it?

Mm-hmm.

Because my marriage is kind of on the line.

Oh, yes.

Of course.

Yes, yes.

We would love to help you.

So you're going to save this marriage.

We are going to save this marriage.

We are going to save this marriage.

We're going to save your marriage.

All right, pal, tonight is all about us.

The woods and some knives.

And some whiskey and some accents and guns and a small cannon.

A cannon.

You won't find that in a civilian job.

Oh, you won't.

I guess it's a very state-to-state.

Yeah, all I know is that I'm really looking forward to some time in nature.

Clear my head.

No, to me.

Thanks, pal.

What do you do?

Oh, who's driving?

Me.

Yeah, it's one of the perks of the 20-year club.

You don't have to drive anymore.

Hey.

Don't worry.

He's going to stay in the van.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

That's fine by me, man.

So I finally finished Game of Thrones.

Oh, yeah.

Second time.

So I'm going to binge the Bible.

Ah, complete unabridged audio book.

Did you know it's the highest selling book of all time?

Mm-hmm.

Did know that.

Yeah.

So more copies in Da Vinci code, which is also about Jesus.

So I guess it's extended Bible universe.

You mean Christianity.

A data!

No spoilers.

Let's go.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, man.

What are you doing here?

Well, what you said about keeping me to shawl in the army got me thinking.

Oh, she came to help me.

Hell, no, no, no, no.

I just realized how much shawl means to you.

So I'm going to make sure you fail.

And at the end of this does really tempt, he decides to retire.

Guess what?

But you're not invited.

Being top of the chain of command, I get to invite myself wherever I wish to go.

As a matter of fact, I crashed nine weddings this year.

And didn't bring a single gift.

And also, I've invited a couple of lifers along that you know.

Come on, man.

Merciful and fun.

They're going to ruin the whole trip.

Fine, you never talk.

But his body makes so many noises.

Let's go boys.

General.

Lieutenant Colonel.

And Major Carismo.

What a treat.

Slide over.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, come on.

Okay.

You're coming along too.

Absolutely, because we're going to have some fun, my friend.

Yep.

You think the Army made a man out of you now?

Wait till you become a wafer.

When you reject civilization completely on all its temptations, that's when your body

allows you to get into peak physical condition.

All right.

Oh, that was fun.

Why don't we fight with these anymore?

Guys, we're lost as a society.

Written by God, read by Hank Azario.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Now, the earth was formless and empty.

Darkness was over the surface of the deep, and

the spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

Let there be light!

And there was light.

Damn, that's how I'll start.

You're right.

This is much better than doing it in bed, but we

can still do our favorites, spaghetti and meatballs.

That's so funny.

I've never seen him eat that one time.

Well, it was more my favorite.

And then he started making it for me, and now we just always eat it together.

Cute.

Yeah.

Yeah, we could do that.

We could have shot and make your spaghetti and meatballs for his celebration dinner.

Or just spitballing.

I do know that there is a really authentic Indian place in town that shall really

love because it reminds me of this grandmother's cooking.

So that's just an option.

Yeah, great!

Okay, that's perfect because I actually already ordered it.

And they threw in the utensils for free.

Woo!

You were doing such a good job.

This is just going to be amazing.

You're crushing it.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Look at you losing.

That's what your ass is of.

And not me.

I got three layers on.

I haven't sweat a drop.

It might be a pituitary issue, sir.

You should probably check that out.

No, it's not.

It's a control issue.

I have power over my body.

No, thanks.

I don't really like to drink that much.

It makes me yell.

Well, if you're not yelling, are you really saying anything?

No, whatever.

I'm not driving.

There you go.

Wow.

Wow!

Okay, here we go.

Yeah, there it is.

What it's all about.

This is the like.

Sure is.

You know what?

Let's make this a little more interested with a little unfriendly

competition that I learned from a couple of enlisted men.

And never have I ever had my highest ranked peak kernel or low.

So drink.

I'll pee you so bored nigglers.

Refusing to bud, the donkey turned to his owner and began to speak.

Then did you not see the angel in the road?

Talking doggies?

The Bible's like Shrek.

And Shrek had a lot of animal sacrifice.

Well, never have I ever launched a full-scale attack on flock of geese.

They were invading our airspace.

They were migrating.

Oh my god.

I think I'm done.

It's getting a little hot in here.

I'm gonna... No, what are you talking about?

This is the brother.

This is how we have fun, right?

Make each other laugh.

This is what you have to look forward to when you're a lifer.

And we know we can trust you because you're an honorable and trustworthy person.

You wouldn't abandon us.

Quit and take some stupid civilian job.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is that what this is about?

Did you guys find out that I met with a transition officer?

Well, nothing happens on my face without my knowing about it.

Yes, we know.

You're leaving me us.

The army.

I haven't decided anything, okay?

This is a really tough choice.

I just met with a transition officer because Celeste wanted me to.

She's leaving the army and she wanted me to take my 20 and retire and possibly save

our marriage.

And I'm saying it's time to get rid of your ball and chain.

What?

The colonel.

Of course.

I am tired, old man.

What are you starting now?

You're still tired.

Constantly riding me because you need to be rid of me because... Oh, really?

Yeah, really?

I can't anymore.

It's too much.

It's too much for me.

Stop, stop.

You know what?

I just wanted a night in the woods.

That's it.

Me, some axes.

Good times.

My future might be hanging in the balance.

But one thing I do know for certain is that I don't want to end up sad and alone

eating beans in a tent and some sick competition with

my sword enemy because I don't have any wives left.

But that's because he's a narcissist.

No, he's the narcissist.

You're both narcissists!

I told you drinking makes me yell!

Hey!

Hey!

Going easy, dude.

What's up?

So, um...

I could really use Rick Silver's number right now.

You put his number in my phone for say, keeping and remember what we agreed to?

That it had to be World War 3 and I would only get

it if I wanted one last ride before the world ended.

And is it World War 3?

No, but it's close.

Okay, I can't stop myself from helping Celeste try to

save her marriage to the guy that I have fallen for.

I have her to ride her speech.

What?

Why would you do that to yourself?

Because she couldn't find any word that rhymed with obligation.

I can't help myself.

Yeah, you can help me.

And Rick Silver is not the answer.

He is a CIA liar who destroys your life like it's a foreign leftist government.

I'm sorry, I'm not giving you his number.

Fine, uh...

Yeah... Do you know anything that rhymes with obligation?

Frustration.

Actually, do the pen.

Girl, that's the last of my own speech.

Look at my pen.

15 mile hike over uneven ground.

And I've done worse.

One of them.

A lot of them.

I can live my life in the library.

Oh, this is bad.

Ja?

I know you're mad, but you can't leave me alone with these turds.

All right, man.

You're driving me crazy.

Ja!

Hey, Sha!

Look, I told him the truth.

Army life is hard.

Yeah, it was just how we like it.

Yes, yes, we do, but you know what?

Let me ask you.

Did you ever once think about leaving after 20 years?

Now, you need it.

That's our answer.

And as much as I would love to wound you, he's got to find it on his own.

What are you, Buddha now?

Give me a favor.

Just focus on the search.

I try not to declare war on the geese.

Is that fun?

He has the breathing issues.

He got a handful of vertebrae removed and now his neck is too short.

But like a bug?

Oh, my God.

Two o'clock.

Hey.

Oh, yes.

I sprained my ankle.

I can't really put any pressure on it.

Can you call for help?

We don't call for help.

We are the help.

General, you remember how to make a stretcher?

Bump, stop breathing and find some branches.

Three miles down and one to go.

All right, guys, let him down here.

Yeah.

Let me see.

I got a signal.

Oh, yep, I do.

Come out, Papa Doc, let's go.

Let's go out.

And before me was a pal horse and the rider was dead.

What?

Death was riding the horse.

Good.

The Bible is everything.

Papa Doc has given one job.

We're going to have to carry you the last mile.

or so.

There you go.

One, two, three.

You ready?

Yep.

Don't worry.

Only the last half is uphill.

Surprise!

You did this all for me?

Oh, it's funny.

Years is a big deal.

Do you want to drink?

I'm falling down a hill and crying in a pile of leaves.

I can confidently say I'm never going to drink again.

So surely temple.

Here, sit down.

Congratulations, man.

This is crazy.

You look a lot better than you did in the van.

Yeah.

Appreciate that.

Yeah, it was... And sir, I wanted to tell you something.

What, then you have weekend calls?

I knew that the first time I saw you walking a basketball club.

Okay, please.

I've seen old trees, the more lateral movement than you.

What I was trying to say is that...

I don't know if I'm going to stay in the army, but I know that I was wrong.

I would be proud to be one of you.

You know, listen, I was wrong.

It's what Davidson would be saying if he was here, because

everything that went wrong in this trip was just fault.

The thing I did want to say to you is, I think you should take some time to

really think about this, because it's not just like vaguely your future.

This is like the rest of your life.

So I think you should share it with something that sees you for who you are

and shares your passion and your values.

Whether that's the U.S.

Army or something else.

Like my wife?

Yeah, it could be a person, you know.

It could be a person.

You bite in your tongue right now?

No, no.

Cheek, a bit down in this heart of my tongue.

I'd lose it.

I want to thank everybody for coming out here to celebrate, Abe.

I'm sorry.

I can't build myself away.

Dead sea squirrels just dropped.

And there's like a lot of debate on the message boards whether it's Canada or not.

Abe, there's nobody like you.

You're obsessed with Broadway shows, but you don't want anyone to know.

Like we don't hear you singing suddenly Seymour in the laundry room.

You can.

You only own one bowl and you wash it.

After every use, an impressive system that we should all follow.

The thing I love most about you is your unique ability to be there for us without

us knowing it.

You support us.

You make us feel like you're doing it all on our own.

You're the sky, moon, grass.

You don't demand attention, but nothing would be the same without you.

My life wouldn't be the same without you.

So let's all raise our glasses to Abe.

Is that okay?

Thank you for that.

To this.

Ooh.

Varyani?

Yes.

The Alogobi.

Lago.

All right.

Okay.

I'll get better at this.

All right.

Look, Celeste, I know things have been a little tricky for us, and I know we've

been talking a lot about whether a future together makes sense, right?

And after that toast, it just confirmed it.

I mean, you understand me more than I was sure of before.

And so I know that we can make it... I didn't write the toast.

Or find this magical night Maggie did.

Wait Maggie?

I'm so sorry.

I know that I messed up, and I wanted to make it right.

But I didn't really know where to start.

And we've just been having such a hard time.

No.

Yeah.

It shouldn't be this much work.

No.

No one could say we didn't try.

We tried so hard.

I mean, we wore those marriage counselors

out, but it feels like we both know it's over.

Hmm.

And I've always been bothered by that one bowl system.

I think it's normal to have 12 bowls.

Okay, what are you going to do?

If I don't love them people over for a cereal party?

I'd like to have the option.

Seriously, Maggie?

Ooh, the sky, the grass, the moon.

Mm.

Was there that's how new you feel, Michelle?

I would have delivered it better.

Yeah.

Yo!

Dead Sea Scrolls has Goliath at 6.6.

David Bata cooked these four for real.

Oh, okay.

Even you can get a good job.

I just want to explain this to a layman.

So there are talking animals.

Right.

And a talking bush.

And talking people.

But a lot of books have that, right?

But this...

C.I.A.

Agent Rick Silver.

Oh, my gosh.

What's up?

Oh, my gosh.

Babe, I am so glad you Facebook message my mom.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.

Yeah, I stopped listening after, babe.

Come here.

Oh, so reliably hot.

I know I am your two.

Wait, we're two.

Hey, um, is anyone from Maggie?

Oh, because everybody's seen Maggie.

Over there with the worst ex-boyfriend that ever do it.

It's like glitter from the strip cup.

And that's where they bring up.

It's going so well.