Original subtitles

SHE PANTS

Shouldn't drive with that - blind spot.

-Yeah, I know. -It's dangerous, Harold.

That's illegal. Oof.

SHE SIGHS

It's meant to commemorate Dad, but if we don't plant it soon,

it'll die, which would make it not a memorial of Dad,

-more of a re-enactment. -But today's not good,

because I've got Widow Club with Billie and Jean and Pamela.

-Pamela's not a widow. -I know,

but Jean worries that she's lonely. It's annoying.

-Sweet, though. -Yeah.

We have good fun, to be fair.

We have our own secret handshake, like the Masons.

-I'd like to see that. -Yeah, well, you can't.

You're not a widow.

PHONE RINGS

-Pigfish has struck again. -Oh, no. Don't tell me.

I've got to buy him a chippy tea.

Neha, he's a criminal, not a stray cat.

I just want to keep him out of trouble.

He is the trouble. He puts petrol pumps up his arse.

It's a cry for help, Harry. If you did that,

would you want to be judged or cared for?

-I wouldn't do it. -You can't say that with any certainty.

I'd have to be at a pretty low ebb to start doing that.

And anyway, you know,

-petrol makes me sneeze. -Right, look, I'm going to be late.

Erm, can you pick the boys up tonight?

-Yeah. Of course. Yeah. -Good lad. Love you.

-I love you. Woof-woof. -Meow.

Woof-woof.

SHE SIGHS

-Tea, wasn't it? -Yes, please. -Well, we haven't got any bags,

so that's coffee.

Actually, we haven't got any milk,

so that's Yakult.

Do you mind if I stretch while we chat?

It's very important after jogging.

-Right, except you don't jog. -Of course I jog.

-You just saw me. -Are you joking? That was not jogging.

-What was it, then? -Walking. You were wearing furry slippers.

Harold, would you for once, for the love of God

and all that is holy, not find something to criticise?

Yeah, sorry. I mean, I did bring a list,

-but I guess that can wait. -But I'm very glad you're here.

Clearly.

I've got something for you.

Oh, no. You've not been to the charity shop again, have you?

Jesus Christ.

The money from your dad's life insurance

-finally came through. -In cash?

What did he do, take insurance out with a cartel?

No, that was my decision.

You know how I feel about the banks after what they did to Noel Edmonds.

There you are, £10,000. I'll get you a carrier bag.

My God.

Harold? What's wrong? Are you crying?

Oh, sorry. I thought I was cheering you up.

What, by reducing my dad to a bag of cash?

Well, I was impressed by how much we got for him.

I didn't think I'd miss him like this.

It's just, you know, on TV shows, people say,

you know, "She's my mum, but she's also my best friend."

-Yeah. -Well, obviously we've never had that.

-Mm-hm. -And now he's not here,

I've realised Dad was my best friend.

Oh, Harold, you really should have friends your own age.

You're all right, though, aren't you?

Yeah. Sort of. I mean, the doctor's put me on anti-depressants.

-What? He hasn't. -It was a she, actually.

Harold, why have they done that to you?

You're not depressed, are you?

You've got nothing to be depressed about.

-Why didn't you come and talk to me? -It's not a big deal.

It's not. I mean, lots of people take them.

Yeah, but they're people from broken homes,

tattooed wackits with proper problems

like, um, Pigfish, you know Pigfish in town?

-Oh, yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

-You know that he puts petrol pumps up his...? -Yeah, I know.

Right. Did you know that Pamela has to clean off the nozzles?

If anyone should be on anti-depressants, it's her.

Hm.

I didn't know you felt like this.

I didn't know you felt anything.

Is it my fault?

No.

Maybe a bit is, you know, 85%.

But I can't pin it all on you.

No, because your dad deserves his fair share.

-Oh, Harold. -I'm sorry. -So am I.

What?

Nothing. I just...

SHE SIGHS

-Erm... -Mum?

Look.

-Can you keep a secret? -What is it?

Wait there.

Oh, my God.

Dad!

I didn't want to do it.

Now, you're probably wondering what's been going on.

-No, not at all. -Oh.

I think he's being sarcastic.

-Are you being sarcastic? -Of course I'm being sarcastic!

-Why didn't you tell me? -Well, we thought it best

to lie low until the money came through.

They're very nosy, those insurance people.

Yeah, some might say for good reason.

-Mm. Fair point. -You let me think you were dead for two months!

Yeah, we've been meaning to tell you,

-but it's been, ooh, a bit... -It's complicated. -..complicated.

-Yeah. -Has it?

Because right now you're acting like you forgot to put the bins out.

Oh, OK. We'll take that as feedback.

-Yeah. Did you put the bins out? -It's not Tuesday, is it?

Oh, William, have you missed the bins?

Oh, no, sorry. I thought it was Thursday.

-It is Thursday. -No, the bins go out on a Tuesday.

I don't know about your bins, but today is Thursday.

Is it? So we have missed the bins, then.

Stop talking about the bins. Please, stop!

-How are you alive? -Well, it's actually...

It's quite a funny story, really.

Tonight, on Border Force Australia...

It was a normal Wednesday evening. We'd been watching TV.

-Border Force Australia. -Have you seen it?

-It's very, very good. -So good.

Some of the stuff they try and smuggle in is extraordinary.

Especially, dare I say it, the Chinese.

-Oh, don't be racist. -I'm not being racist. -A bit.

Just fascinated by their ingenuity.

There's one couple who travelled all the way from Shanghai to Sydney

with 700 boiled eggs hidden in cuckoo clocks.

-What's all that about? -I don't care.

Oh. All right. Anyway, your mother went to make a cup of tea.

-I'll be the one who makes it, then, shall I? -Thank you very much.

-And? -And we didn't have any teabags. -You never have any bloody teabags.

-Don't swear. -Oh, please, just get on with it.

So I nip to the shops.

Should have checked your blind spot.

Oh, shut up, Harold.

When I got back,

your dad was completely zonked.

Out for the count.

It's my own silly fault, really, because sometimes I struggle

to remember when I've taken my Parky pills.

And that night, I was meant to take them at eight o'clock, wasn't I?

But then I remembered

that I'd forgotten to take them earlier in the day.

So I thought, "Aha, I'll take a double dose now and catch up."

Unfortunately, because of the Parkinson's,

what I'd forgotten to remember is that I'd actually not forgotten

to remember to take them earlier in the day.

In fact, I remembered earlier that I would

more than likely forget to take them later.

So I took a double dose earlier

in order to get ahead for when I forgot later,

which, all in all, long story short, I took 16 pills,

which, frankly, is enough to tranquillise a hippopotamus.

And that's a full-size one, not one of the pygmy ones.

Although they are lovely, aren't they?

You know, the little snouts and everything.

You know, the little snuffly noises.

HE SNUFFLES

Anyway, yes. He completely stopped breathing.

William...

William! Wake up. Don't be silly now. Stop it!

William. Erm...

Oh, look who's here. The girls are here.

Look, there's your favourites. Nyom, nyom, nyom.

No?

William, stop mucking about.

Susanna Reid's got a skirt on.

No?

William...

Oh, God. Oh, God.

So I called for an ambulance, but they were all busy.

We can't wait two hours! So then I called the GP.

Now, unfortunately, the GP around here is Dr Harper.

-Why unfortunately? -Because, since Covid,

Dr Harper has developed very, very, very bad health anxiety.

-She's a doctor with health anxiety? -Yep.

Poor woman. Every working day her own personal Vietnam.

-I don't really want to touch him. -But he's...

-He's not breathing. -I really don't like doing these.

-What do you mean, these? -Dead bodies.

-He's dead?! -He looks it, doesn't he? -Well, I don't know!

-I'm not a doctor. -I'll double-check. What's he called again?

William.

William? Can you hear me?

William.

- SING-SONG: - William!

Yeah. No.

-Do you have the time? -What for?

For the form, time of... You know.

She's just crap.

WILLIAM YAWNS

Oh, did you manage to record the rest of Border Force?

I really want to know

why that man's cricket bag was full of live crabs.

What?

You massive twat!

It turns out I hadn't died.

No shit.

Why didn't you tell someone it was a mistake?

We tried. I was on hold with the GP

all bloody morning.

It's broken Britain, Harold.

Anyway, then I went over to see the, erm... Oh, what do you call it?

The house of death. The coffin shop.

-Funeral director. -Yes, yes. -Wait, why?

There was no body.

Well, you'd have thought that, wouldn't you?

He's dead. He can't speak.

-He can't tell you, can he? -I didn't lose it.

Well, somebody lost it.

-Good afternoon, madam. -Hello. I hope you can help me.

-It's about my husband. -Of course. Name?

-William Fendon. -William Fendon?

You see, the thing is, he's been declared dead and, erm...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Would you excuse me for one very quick moment, please?

Thank you.

-Good news. -What? -I've found him.

-Who? -The bloke in there whose paperwork you lost.

-I didn't lose it. -You bloody did. Anyway...

INDISTINCT WHISPERING

Sorry about that. Would you like to see him?

-Who? -William. He's just through here.

No, no, that's the thing. See, William isn't dead.

No, of course.

Is that the death certificate?

Yes. See, that's what I was trying to tell you.

Bit of professional advice, get lots of copies.

You'll need them for the banks, savings,

and, of course, any life insurance policies.

So...

Erm...

Well, I suppose a quick peek wouldn't hurt.

I'll admit that was a bit naughty.

I hope you're happy with what we've done.

It's...

Well, yes, he looks lovely.

My darling William.

If you want to have a final moment with him, please go ahead.

No, that's all right. Thank you.

Please. I'm not here.

OK.

There, there.

SHE EXHALES

Thank you, erm...

-Marcus. -..for this.

-It's an honour, Mrs Fendon. -Thank you.

Some people like to have a final kiss.

-Do they? -Yes.

Do they?

-Do they? -Oh, yes.

I'm not here.

Right.

Thank you for that.

They definitely do this, do they?

Mm-hm. Oh, yes.

OK.

-On the lips? -Exactly!

The things I do for this family.

Shubh Diwali.

Beautiful.

That's our special thing that we say.

We had a funeral!

Are you telling me we just cremated some old bloke we'd never met?

Yes, which actually isn't

much different from a lot of blokes' funerals,

not least my own father's.

This is too much.

Yeah, it's too much.

But, you know, when life gives you lemonade...

You don't go out anyway.

I know, but at least I've got the choice.

Well, you've had the choice for 68 years.

What are you going to start missing now?

Laser Quest?

-Popping round Geoff's for a coffee and a crumpet. -Who's Geoff?

Exactly! Geoff has lived in this village ever since we moved in.

And do you know what he'd say if I told him,

"Oh, William's died"?

Erm, "Oh, dear"?

No, he'd say, "Who's William?"

Because, my darling,

the wonderful thing about you is that you might as well have been dead

for the last 30 years.

In fact, the only person on this planet who's going

-to miss you is me. -Yeah.

-And Harry. -Well, yeah.

And the grandchildren.

Ooh. Oh-oh!

Let's not push it.

But that's the point, isn't it?

Imagine what that money could do for them.

-We've been model citizens, haven't we? -Yeah.

You know, we've paid our taxes. We've paid our bills.

We haven't been arrested... much.

And that ghastly insurance company.

Paid all that money all those years

and what did they say when you got your Parkinson's?

-It wasn't covered. -Yeah, exactly.

The game is rigged and we're... we're the goodies.

We followed all the rules and what have we got to show for it?

Sweet Fanny Adams's empty fanny, that's what.

In the middle of nowhere in this dingy house,

with a dodgy boiler and a garden full of fox shit.

SHE SIGHS

Is Geoff the one who shoves petrol pumps up his jacksie?

-No, that's Pigfish. -Oh.

HE SNIFFS

-It's insane. -Yes.

And I can understand why you might feel a bit put out.

-Put out? -I'm not emotionally switched on, am I?

And we did want that money for you

and Neha and the boys, so...

There's more where that came from.

Yeah, I know, I've seen the bag.

How much did you get?

250,000.

Jesus Christ, you've stolen a quarter of a million quid?!

We haven't stolen anything.

We have simply taken back what we paid in.

Yeah, well, plus a little bit more.

Well, don't be pedantic. Those were expenses.

You two are weapons-grade bonkers.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Balls.

-That's Billie and Jean. -Shamone.

Must you do that every time?

Better get upstairs, then.

-Oh, shit. -Cooee?

Don't swear, Mother.

Shut up, Harold, you patronising chode.

Chode? I don't think you know what that means.

We let ourselves in. Hope you don't mind.

No, no... Come on in.

-How are you? -Why am I in here? I'm alive.

Did you hear about Geoff at the Londis?

-No? -He fell head first into the croissant display cabinet.

And they don't know

whether it's the plastic of the case or a stale croissant,

but something sliced his face right up.

-Oh, Lord. -Yeah, he'll have a big scar now.

He'll be unrecognisable.

Wouldn't a big scar on your face make you more recognisable?

"Which one's Geoff?" "The one with the big scar."

Oh, this is interminable.

No, it's not so bad. It's best when Pamela's not here.

-Why? -Because Billie's a narcoleptic and Jean's completely blind.

So when it's just the two of them and your mum,

I can be in there with them, eating the posh biscuits,

without any requirement to make conversations.

It's pretty good, really.

Well, surely they hear you munching.

No, because I suck all the chocolate off first,

and then I let the biscuit melt in my mouth.

Right.

BILLIE SNORES

I told Geoff he needs stitches,

but he can't go to the hospital now

cos they've ditched the Durston route.

Yeah, it's broken Britain, Jean.

And he can't afford a cab, so...

SNORING CONTINUES

Oh, hello.

-Can I use your bog, Deb? -Yeah, make yourself at home.

Thank you.

You'll regret saying that.

-Oh, that set me off. -What do you mean?

Well, once the idea of a pee's put in my head,

-I can't think about anything else. -Are you serious?

Once the wee-wee wolf is at the door,

he doesn't take no for an answer.

It's like a Jehovah's Wolf.

Mm. Poor old Geoff, eh?

Will you excuse me a minute?

SHE MOUTHS

TOILET FLUSHES

Where has she learnt that word?

She knows I'm sensitive about being of stocky stature.

-Dad? -Just a moment.

Ohhh.

TRICKLING

HE EXHALES

SQUEAKY FART

HE EXHALES

Oh, Dad. This is a low.

Mm.

Girls, would you mind dropping this in to Geoff on your way home?

Just a little contribution towards his taxi from me.

Oh, you're a good soul.

Well, no act of kindness is ever wasted.

It is on Geoff!

That'll all go on OnlyFans.

Hm. Yeah.

You're still there? What have you been doing all day?

-I can't even begin to explain. -Hang on.

-Two cod meals, please. -And a saveloy, battered.

And a pickled egg.

And a curry sauce.

And a can of pop.

And one of them choc brownies for afters.

Listen, please make sure you're back for bath, OK?

I can't face that alone. I'm feeling very touched out.

Why do you keep using that in the wrong context?

-I really feel it. -Harry, touched out is when you've spent

all day being terrorised by toddlers.

Yeah, I know. Believe me, I feel it.

Bye.

Right, I've got to go.

Oh, shame, cos we haven't had a chance to catch up,

-you know, as a family. -Oh, yeah. You want to catch up?

OK, cool. What's new? Well, let's see.

Well, in between mourning you, Dad,

and worrying about you, Mum, and being diagnosed with depression,

I did finally sign up for a Nectar card.

-So that's great, isn't it? -Oh, don't,

because your dad didn't get a chance to spend his points.

-Had enough for some wireless headphones. -Oh, what a shame.

Any other regrets? Like the lying? Faking your own death?

Spending no time with your grandchildren?

Well, you're always telling your mum what a nightmare they are.

Well, yeah, they are a nightmare, but they're our nightmare

and I'd be grateful to palm them off on you

from time to time.

Look, don't get me wrong, I'm really happy you're alive.

-Thank you. -I really, really am.

But I'm a bit concerned about your decision-making.

-Do you mean the Nectar points? -No, Mum, I mean him,

hiding in the loft like a geriatric Anne Frank.

And when he does come downstairs,

he pisses himself in the kitchen cupboard,

and then you just reward him with a pack of biscuits

like you're potty training a delinquent cockapoo.

I've wet myself in every supermarket in town,

including both Tescos - Metro and Express -

-and I'm actually rather proud of it. -Mm.

You could probably get a blue plaque for that.

Mum, Dad, please. Please, this is fraud.

You can go to prison.

That canoe couple, they went down for years!

Listen, we didn't start this.

I mean, granted, we didn't stop it either,

but, you know, who are we to argue with the NHS?

They're the ones who declared your dad dead.

And spare a thought for poor Dr Harper.

-She'd be mortified if she found out! -I've got to go.

Hey, hey, hey. You mustn't tell Neha.

You could put her career at risk.

Well, it's not me who's done that, is it?

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Oh, God.

Oh, I just wanted to say before you go...

...do you think Nectar points are transferable post-mortem?

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

It's not the time. Understood.

At least there's one positive from the secret being out -

I get to talk to you again.

I know we've put you in a tiny bit of an impossible situation,

but we'll respect whatever you decide.

Although, if your mother heard me say that,

she'd kill me.

-Again. -Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, and, er, sorry.

Do take this.

Your mum told me your rent's gone up.

I mean, these landlords are bloody crooks, aren't they?

ENGINE STARTS

SIREN WAILS

There we go.

It's very shiny. Hope you didn't spend too much.

Well, if something's worth doing, it's worth doing properly.

Ah.

-Is that a magnolia? -Yeah. -Thought so.

That won't make it through winter.

Catastrophic wood rot round here.

-Right. Thanks, Clive. -Yeah, you're welcome.

TV: - Remember that the very next bag might contain

highly illegal contraband.

At Brisbane Airport, one of the longest-serving X-ray operators

is Clarence McTier,

who has been scanning passengers' luggage since 1987.

And we're glad to say that he is back in remission.

-I can't believe he's actually gone. -I know.

Oh, I know.

Neither can we.

TV: - And so ends another eventful day on Australia's front line,

despite the best efforts of the devious and dishonest...

-Mrs, Fendon... -Yep.

-I want my money. -Mum, come on, we're being blackmailed.

Bloody hell, that's annoying.

Found that in my pocket at the bowls club last night.

-Who sent it? -I don't know!

What sort of friend blackmails her own mates?

We're not criminals, we're... We're Wallace and Gromit.

- NEHA: - You two might be,

but your mum's a penguin with a rubber glove on her head.

You and your parents need to stop being lunatics.

I am your Great-Uncle Otto from Bavaria.

Promise me that you'll find this bastard

and nail his bollocks to his backside.

-Who are you? -Debbie Fendon.

We're a crime family.

Oh, don't be silly. Crime families kill people.

We're just a bit complicated,

like the Beckhams. Come on.