Original subtitles

I didn't want it to have to be this way.

But it's either you or me.

No, don't do it!

I'm sorry,

but this town ain't big enough for the both of us.

What going on?

Sam's getting an update on the sales of our book.

Well, her book,

since the news is bad.

So what does that mean, Sharon?

Well, it means

we won't do a second printing unless things

pick up significantly.

But I have a thought to drum up some publicity.

Here comes the Playboy ask.

I think you just do it.

Honestly, while they're still asking.

You did a podcast with

Todd Pearlman, right?

No, but I did once do acid with a Todd Rundgren.

I'm sorry,

do you think you're on this Zoom?

- She's talking about Creepy Todd. Uh, yeah,

the Alberta Haynes murder pod.

It was number 93 on Spotify

on jazz-related murder pods, not to brag.

-Was that bragging? -Well, as you're probably aware,

Todd has become a huge deal in the podcast space,

and if you were able to book an appearance

on the Todd Pod, it could be a game changer.

-Dear God. -The thing is,

the last time I saw him,

we didn't exactly leave off on a great note.

Sam cod-block him when Todd try

to put moves on Alberta's descendant.

The last author he had on the Todd Pod

tripled her book sales in one month.

Interesting. Let's huddle on our end

and we'll circle back.

But, like, what if he won't put me on the pod, Sharon?

Well, then, I think perhaps we've reached

the end of the line for your book.

Okay.

I'll let you know what he says.

Thanks for hopping on.

We appreciate your time

and we look forward to next steps.

She can't hear you, woman.

We appreciate your time and we look forward to next steps!

What the hell happened to Todd?

His skin glow like belly of trout.

Oh, I'll tell you what happened to this man: money.

It is the great cure-all.

Todd, I just wanna start by apologizing.

I know we didn't leave things on the best of terms.

Please, I didn't come all the way from Altoona

to tell you that I was still mad.

It's water under the bridge.

In fact, you guys were right to call me out.

I was becoming way too obsessed with Alberta.

Mm, he's not the first and he won't be the last.

- Currently afflicted. - I was spiraling.

Truth is, I hit a wall with my research.

It's so strange, there's nothing

in the historical record about Alberta Haynes prior to 1923.

I know from interviews a bit about her early years,

but there's no paper trail,

no record of her arriving in New York.

I mean, she had to live and work

in the city. What was she doing?

Who was she with?

- Where did she go? - Yeah,

he seem over you.

But none of that matters now

because I've redirected that energy

and I put it all into the Todd Pod.

Well, it's paying off for you.

I mean, these guests you're getting? LeBron,

Chalamet,

that economist whose episode I also totally listened to.

Enough with the chitchat.

Inquire if that's a hair transplant,

and then get to the book.

So, like I mentioned on the phone,

I would love for you to consider having me on.

How about we grab lunch?

I need to know more about your process,

your inspiration.

I mean, sure, there's a pod in you,

but is there a Todd Pod in you?

Maybe it's the girl dad in me talking,

but I would not go to a second location alone with this man.

Um, why don't we have lunch at Jay's restaurant?

The food's amazing.

And Jay will be nearby with access to a lot of knives.

Alberta,

-you have moment? -Sure,

-what's shaking, Thor? -Earlier,

Creepy Todd bring up that he unable

to find information about you prior to certain date.

Well...

...that get Thor to remember something

because Thor brain good.

-Okay. -You once mention

that Alberta not your real name.

Was throwaway comment,

but Thor can't help but think that maybe two facts related.

So? What if they are?

-So, tell Thor secret. -Why?

Because Thor put together pieces

like Columbo or Steve from Blue's Clues.

Well, I ain't telling you nothing, Thor.

Then Thor will just remind other ghosts in house

that Alberta not your real name and how that line up

with what Todd say.

Don't you even think about getting everyone riled up.

I don't want everyone hounding me.

Well, then, you know what you must do.

Tell Thor everything.

Okay, fine.

The reason I changed my name is because...

...I killed a man.

And you're ashamed because...

it just one person you kill?

Just keep it to yourself, okay?

Okay, fine.

You got it... Alice?

Ah-ah-ah! I ain't telling you the real name.

You get one secret. That's all you're getting.

You have my word... Beth?

Stop.

Wow,

you had Vince Vaughn on the Todd Pod?

Great guy.

I'm actually using his decorator at my house.

Nice, you moved out of your mom's house.

No, I bought the house from her.

But now I live in my basement.

Why won't this man live above ground?

Jay, these samosas are incredible.

Am I tasting a hint of macadamia?

Actually, I fry them in macadamia nut oil.

What a palate, Todd. But let's talk

Colonial Vampire.

I am biased,

but honestly, it was my favorite book of the year.

He's only read two,

that and the unauthorized biography of Chewbacca.

Difficult childhood, but Chewbacca come out on top.

So, Sam, why was this the story you were dying to tell?

Well, uh, I like historical fiction.

The vampire thing was just sort of a gimmick

-to please the publisher. -Oh, I was actually

responding to the vampire stuff.

That's not surprising for someone who lives in a cave.

Samantha, may I talk to you for a second?

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Wait, but-- Uh... um...

Well, speaking of books,

have you read the new Chewbacca biography?

Wookiee of the Year? Yeah, I loved it.

Hey, Bela, I'm gonna stand near you

to talk to a ghost.

-No problem. -Samantha, what is

going on over there? That man wants passion. He wants pizzazz.

I know it's hard to wow in that outfit,

but that is what the moment demands.

Wait, is that

- Todd Pearlman? - Yeah.

Ugh. That creep asked me out in college.

Oh, right. You went to Penn State Altoona campus.

He was a townie who lived with his mom.

Well, now he's a wildly successful podcaster.

Whose mom lives with him.

Have you ever heard of the Todd Pod?

That's him? He must be loaded.

Is he single? I should have gone to Medieval Times

with him when I had the chance.

And that's why I named

the restaurant after my father.

-Mahesh. -That's incredible.

Every step of the way,

he fought you following your passion.

But it was his risk-taking in moving here

that inspired your own bold gamble.

That is a great way of putting that.

These two are really connecting.

It's nice when men can talk about their feelings.

Except for Gordon Lightfoot, who never shut up about them.

Sorry about that.

Now, where were we?

Oh, that's right,

a tale about bats and blood, tea and taxation.

Razzle.

Let me stop you right there.

I am gonna do my next Todd Pod here.

-Yes. -That's amazing.

But not about you or your book.

What?

This next Todd Pod is gonna dive deep...

into Jay.

The razzle came too late.

Too late.

-What the hell was that, Jay? -I'm so sorry, Sam.

There's no way I could've seen that coming.

What's happening?

Jay charmed the pants off of Creepy Todd

and now it's about he whom Todd wants to pod.

There's a simple solution here, babe.

I'm just gonna tell him I don't want to do his podcast.

He came here to feature you,

and that's what's gonna happen.

There you go. Jay jumps on the grenade,

Sam gets her pity pod. Everyone's happy.

Well, I don't want a pity pod.

Yes, we do. Need I remind you

that without this podcast appearance,

our book is finished.

And with it, my story.

And with that, any chance of an eventual

garish Broadway musical based on my story.

Stakes couldn't be higher.

You know who would be really good for the musical version?

Hugh Jackman.

No, we're not stunt casting it with movie stars.

I have integrity. Now let's suck up

to that creepy toenail collector and secure that pity pod.

Hello there, Pete.

Thor have some interesting news that he just learn.

But he promise Alberta he not say.

Oh, okay. Well, I respect that.

On other hand, last promise Alberta make to Thor,

she break. I speak, of course,

of the saga of the revenge bail.

Sorry, is this gonna take a while?

Because the queen bee just left the colony,

and the worker bees are going nuts.

Peter, your girlfriend Alberta...

is murderer.

Sort of.

Of just one man.

-What? -Also, her real name

not Alberta. Or Alice. Or Beth.

So don't bother trying to guess those.

I can't believe this. She told you this?

Yeah, and then she tell Thor not to tell anyone.

But Thor have other plans.

Revenge bail revenge.

So this is where it happens.

This is the genius's lair.

That dude's gonna bang this kitchen.

Can I help you?

Oh, hi.

Todd Pearlman.

I'm gonna be featuring Jay on an upcoming episode

-of my Todd Pod. -No way, that's you?

You had Colin Farrell on recently.

Colin Farrell. I'd put that penguin on a leash.

Todd, hey,

we need to talk.

Oh, hi, Mark.

Great news on the pod, Jay.

Yeah, about that.

While I am deeply flattered,

I don't think I'm gonna be able to do it.

-What? -Seriously?

Sounds like a huge opportunity.

Oh, hey. I didn't know there'd be anyone in here.

Wait a second.

Todd? From Altoona?

Bela Arondekar.

That's my maiden name.

Which I still have. Single.

Ooh, she's good.

Oh, yeah, Bela's my sister, and she also works here.

Anyway,

I really appreciate the offer, but I think you should

stick with the original plan to interview Sam.

Okay, there was no promise to interview Sam.

I came here with an open mind,

but I wasn't moved. You move me, Jay.

-He'll do the pod. -What?

What is there to even think about?

This could be huge for the restaurant.

And that's good for Sam, too.

It's actually good for all of us.

Mark is making some really strong points.

I mean, yeah, I guess that's true.

-Great, then it's settled. -Awesome.

I'll have my guys

come in and set up the equipment.

Bela, it was nice to see you

on this side of the Horseshoe Curve.

Oh, my God, Todd.

That was a hilarious Altoona reference.

You should be a stand-up comedian.

The way she debases herself to land a rich husband.

I respect the hell out of it.

So, I had

a sort of interesting conversation with Thor.

I don't know how else to say this.

He said that you... killed a man?

Damn it, Thor.

Revenge bail revenge! Ha!

Petty bitch!

Yeah!

What's going on?

I don't want to talk about this, Pete.

Look, I know you lived a colorful life,

and that you hung around with some no-goodniks,

but you're not a murderer.

Are you?

Pete, you're missing a lot of context.

So, then share it.

I don't want to. Can't we just move on?

Alberta, look.

My... my marriage was riddled with secrets.

I was a cuckold, I was an unknowing front for the mob.

I can't be in another relationship

where someone's keeping secrets from me.

If I tell you, it's gonna change the way you see me forever.

I just want the truth.

Fine.

I'll tell you the story about how I became...

...Alberta Haynes.

I'm a little nervous, but I love the dramatic pause.

What's all this?

Todd's guys set this stuff up to record the pod.

Jay's talk with Todd must have worked.

You know, I'm coming around on Jackman.

The Greatest Showman? Maybe not,

but he's solid and he puts butts in seats.

Hey.

Didn't love the sound of that "hey."

-How'd it go with Todd? -Well, I told him

I didn't want to be on the show,

but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

Seriously, Jay?

I was trapped. Mark was there,

and he insisted that I do it because of the publicity.

I can't believe this.

It's all slipping away.

At this rate, we'll be lucky to get Kevin Kline.

Do you think I want to spend four hours

recording with Creepy Todd?

He was sensually stroking my kitchen counter.

It was unnerving.

Ugh. Todd is the worst.

I hate that we need this freak's help.

Hello.

Hey, Todd. Uh, oh...

I was just talking about my favorite kind of ice cream,

which is vanilla.

Okay, so this is why I wrote and she typed.

Save it.

I heard everything. Hot mic.

-Todd, we can explain. -No need.

You think I'm creepy.

Obviously, the podcast is off.

Furthermore, I will be instructing the Todd Mob...

-That's what he calls his fans. -...to take you down

with an avalanche of one-star reviews.

Thor in avalanche once, but of snow.

They'll destroy your book, your restaurant, your B&B,

your hopes, your dreams and your Uber rating.

Todd, please,

can't we just talk?

You had your chance to talk.

On the pod.

But now, that chance is gone.

And don't even think about using my code

to get a discount on a mattress.

He's going full scorched earth.

Does anyone want to split this Altoona-style pizza with me?

Oh, my God, Todd.

Didn't even know you were here.

Complete debasement to live in his basement.

Mmm.

So good.

All right, here we go. Hold on to your arrow, Pete.

As you know, I came to New York to pursue my dream

of being a famous jazz singer.

But I wasn't an overnight success.

And I still had to pay the bills.

So you cleaned houses, you waited tables?

No, Pete.

My real name is Esther Greene,

and I was...

a ventriloquist.

- What? - You have to understand,

at that time, ventriloquism was all the rage.

Every day, buses from all over the country

arrived in New York, full of people

with a dummy and a dream.

Did you have to book a second seat for the dummy

or was it like a lap child?

Sorry, travel agent brain. Continue.

So, when singing wasn't panning out,

I gave ventriloquism a shot.

Turns out,

I was a natural.

Okay, Murray,

if you're so smart,

tell me what you see in the future.

Well, in about 15 minutes,

I see a bunch of people asking for a refund.

Murray, you're terrible.

Ha! Says the woman with her hand up my tush.

But the more successful

Esther Greene and the Magnificent Murray got,

the further away I was from getting my dream.

I tried to pivot,

but the public doesn't like a pivot.

All right, I think it's time for Murray to have a time-out.

Okay,

for something a little different,

I, Esther Greene, will be singing

my rendition of "A Good Man is Hard to Find."

♪ My heart is sad ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm all alone ♪

Murray! Murray!

I knew if I didn't do something drastic,

I'd be known as one half

of Esther and The Magnificent Murray

for the rest of my life.

I'd never get to sing. I'd never get to live my dream.

I knew I had to make a clean break.

I didn't want it to have to be this way.

But it's either you or me.

No, don't do it!

From that day on, I left Murray and Esther behind.

I took on the name "Alberta Haynes"

and I never looked back.

Alberta, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

You threw away a successful career to go after

what you really wanted. That takes guts.

I appreciate that.

But promise me you'll take this to your grave.

Or... you know what I mean.

I'm proud of Alberta Haynes,

and I never want anything to jeopardize her legacy.

Okay, I promise.

So, last question on this.

Um, are you open to any ventriloquist-dummy role-play?

I don't think so.

Cheerfully withdrawn.

Todd, please, can we just discuss this?

Why would you want to discuss anything with a creepy freak?

I mean, if you don't want to be painted with that brush,

- maybe don't collect toenails? - Todd,

you thought those were insults?

"Creep" and "freak"?

No, those are just terms of endearment.

Yeah, like, "Hey, let's get brunch, you creepy freak."

Yeah, yeah. "Meet you there at noon,

you terrifying psycho."

Just stop it. The podcast is off

and my followers

are going to ruin all that you two hold sacred.

What's going on here?

They call Todd "creepy,"

and now he vow to exact revenge.

Todd, please, there has to be something we can do.

There's nothing you two have that I want.

Poor Samantha and Jay. Their business is ruined,

their dreams shattered.

Sam, tell him you know my real name.

-Are you sure? -No, but if it will help

Sam and Jay, I'll do it.

Also sort of help Isaac.

Don't talk me out of it.

I'm out of here.

Todd, wait. I know Alberta's real name.

What are you talking about?

That's why he can't find any record of me before 1923.

I changed my name.

The reason you can't find any record of her

before 1923 is because she changed her name.

Why? Why would she

do such a thing?

Oh, we will be happy to tell you,

if you call off the Todd Mob.

And you do

the podcast about Sam.

No.

About both of us.

That's right, the couple that bribes together,

thrives together.

No. After Jada and Will,

I promised I would never do another couples episode.

Besides, I'm over Alberta.

I'm no longer obsessed with learning

every juicy detail of her fascinating life and legacy.

Are you sure? 'Cause it's a doozy.

I don't like how he's twitching like that.

Okay, tell me! I gotta know!

Ah, there's that creepy Alberta obsessive we all know and love.

I'm a powerful drug.

And that's how

Esther Greene became Alberta Haynes.

But where's Alberta Haynes now?

That's the real mystery.

What a brave

choice by Alberta.

Giving up the safety and stability of ventriloquism

to test the unknown waters of jazz singing.

See? I told you it was brave.

Look, I found an old picture of Esther Greene.

Hey, that's Alberta.

I know from the tattoo on Todd's back,

- which is not creepy. - Wow!

Incredible.

Wait, Alberta, is that your current hat on the dummy?

Yeah. I took it from

Murray's splintered corpse after the attack.

Even though I wanted to bury my past,

I couldn't totally let go.

The truth is, Murray will always be a part of me.

That's really sweet, Alberta.

So, wait, your hat

literal hat for dummy?

Okay, Thor.

This is best day of Thor afterlife!

Okay, get it out your system.

What dumber than tiny dumb hat?

Literal hat for dummy!

Thank you, Alberta!

Is incredible gift!

For absolutely one night only...

I present Esther Greene

and her little pal Pinecone Pete.

Hey, why do I get second billing?

'Cause you're the dummy, dummy.

This is deeply weird.

Wait, Pete voice sound different.

Yeah, that's 'cause Alberta's doing the voice.

But her lips not moving.

Looks like we got a second dummy here tonight.

Watch your words, Pinecone Pete.

Make me.

I will.

Come at me,

I dare you.

Alberta, what are you doing?

And now Thor's

chopping Pete in half repeatedly. Ouch.

Huh. That sounds like a tough watch.

Not so funny now, Pinecone Pete!

Stop! It's not me!