1 00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:17,519 I didn't want it to have to be this way. 2 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:21,188 But it's either you or me. 3 00:00:21,321 --> 00:00:23,223 No, don't do it! 4 00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:31,666 I'm sorry, 5 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,735 but this town ain't big enough for the both of us. 6 00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:44,044 What going on? 7 00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:46,514 Sam's getting an update on the sales of our book. 8 00:00:46,648 --> 00:00:47,715 Well, her book, 9 00:00:47,849 --> 00:00:49,517 since the news is bad. 10 00:00:49,651 --> 00:00:50,685 So what does that mean, Sharon? 11 00:00:50,852 --> 00:00:52,386 Well, it means 12 00:00:52,554 --> 00:00:53,888 we won't do a second printing unless things 13 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,657 pick up significantly. 14 00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,959 But I have a thought to drum up some publicity. 15 00:00:58,091 --> 00:00:59,561 Here comes the Playboy ask. 16 00:00:59,694 --> 00:01:01,061 I think you just do it. 17 00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:02,496 Honestly, while they're still asking. 18 00:01:02,664 --> 00:01:04,064 You did a podcast with 19 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,733 Todd Pearlman, right? 20 00:01:05,867 --> 00:01:08,670 No, but I did once do acid with a Todd Rundgren. 21 00:01:08,803 --> 00:01:09,938 I'm sorry, 22 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,839 do you think you're on this Zoom? 23 00:01:11,973 --> 00:01:13,575 - She's talking about Creepy Todd. Uh, yeah, 24 00:01:13,708 --> 00:01:15,375 the Alberta Haynes murder pod. 25 00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:17,344 It was number 93 on Spotify 26 00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:19,847 on jazz-related murder pods, not to brag. 27 00:01:20,014 --> 00:01:22,482 -Was that bragging? -Well, as you're probably aware, 28 00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:25,185 Todd has become a huge deal in the podcast space, 29 00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:26,888 and if you were able to book an appearance 30 00:01:27,055 --> 00:01:29,456 on the Todd Pod, it could be a game changer. 31 00:01:29,591 --> 00:01:31,124 -Dear God. -The thing is, 32 00:01:31,191 --> 00:01:32,594 the last time I saw him, 33 00:01:32,727 --> 00:01:34,729 we didn't exactly leave off on a great note. 34 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,430 Sam cod-block him when Todd try 35 00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:38,967 to put moves on Alberta's descendant. 36 00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:40,568 The last author he had on the Todd Pod 37 00:01:40,735 --> 00:01:42,436 tripled her book sales in one month. 38 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,906 Interesting. Let's huddle on our end 39 00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:46,641 and we'll circle back. 40 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:49,010 But, like, what if he won't put me on the pod, Sharon? 41 00:01:49,176 --> 00:01:50,545 Well, then, I think perhaps we've reached 42 00:01:50,712 --> 00:01:52,080 the end of the line for your book. 43 00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:53,213 Okay. 44 00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:54,448 I'll let you know what he says. 45 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:55,950 Thanks for hopping on. 46 00:01:56,084 --> 00:01:57,317 We appreciate your time 47 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,753 and we look forward to next steps. 48 00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:00,588 She can't hear you, woman. 49 00:02:00,722 --> 00:02:03,958 We appreciate your time and we look forward to next steps! 50 00:02:06,628 --> 00:02:08,161 What the hell happened to Todd? 51 00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:09,998 His skin glow like belly of trout. 52 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,900 Oh, I'll tell you what happened to this man: money. 53 00:02:13,034 --> 00:02:15,103 It is the great cure-all. 54 00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,005 Todd, I just wanna start by apologizing. 55 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,641 I know we didn't leave things on the best of terms. 56 00:02:19,774 --> 00:02:22,076 Please, I didn't come all the way from Altoona 57 00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:23,578 to tell you that I was still mad. 58 00:02:23,645 --> 00:02:25,079 It's water under the bridge. 59 00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:27,147 In fact, you guys were right to call me out. 60 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,951 I was becoming way too obsessed with Alberta. 61 00:02:30,084 --> 00:02:31,853 Mm, he's not the first and he won't be the last. 62 00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,788 - Currently afflicted. - I was spiraling. 63 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,857 Truth is, I hit a wall with my research. 64 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,759 It's so strange, there's nothing 65 00:02:37,892 --> 00:02:41,996 in the historical record about Alberta Haynes prior to 1923. 66 00:02:42,130 --> 00:02:44,799 I know from interviews a bit about her early years, 67 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,801 but there's no paper trail, 68 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,436 no record of her arriving in New York. 69 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,773 I mean, she had to live and work 70 00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:53,173 in the city. What was she doing? 71 00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:54,609 Who was she with? 72 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,343 - Where did she go? - Yeah, 73 00:02:56,476 --> 00:02:58,546 he seem over you. 74 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,682 But none of that matters now 75 00:03:00,815 --> 00:03:02,449 because I've redirected that energy 76 00:03:02,617 --> 00:03:04,819 and I put it all into the Todd Pod. 77 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,654 Well, it's paying off for you. 78 00:03:06,788 --> 00:03:08,656 I mean, these guests you're getting? LeBron, 79 00:03:08,790 --> 00:03:10,457 Chalamet, 80 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:13,493 that economist whose episode I also totally listened to. 81 00:03:13,628 --> 00:03:15,362 Enough with the chitchat. 82 00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:17,031 Inquire if that's a hair transplant, 83 00:03:17,165 --> 00:03:18,465 and then get to the book. 84 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,535 So, like I mentioned on the phone, 85 00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:23,504 I would love for you to consider having me on. 86 00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:24,972 How about we grab lunch? 87 00:03:25,106 --> 00:03:27,542 I need to know more about your process, 88 00:03:27,675 --> 00:03:29,043 your inspiration. 89 00:03:29,177 --> 00:03:32,312 I mean, sure, there's a pod in you, 90 00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:34,916 but is there a Todd Pod in you? 91 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:36,818 Maybe it's the girl dad in me talking, 92 00:03:36,951 --> 00:03:40,387 but I would not go to a second location alone with this man. 93 00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:42,523 Um, why don't we have lunch at Jay's restaurant? 94 00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:44,357 The food's amazing. 95 00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:47,195 And Jay will be nearby with access to a lot of knives. 96 00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,231 Alberta, 97 00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:52,667 -you have moment? -Sure, 98 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,367 -what's shaking, Thor? -Earlier, 99 00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,070 Creepy Todd bring up that he unable 100 00:03:56,204 --> 00:03:59,272 to find information about you prior to certain date. 101 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:00,775 Well... 102 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,744 ...that get Thor to remember something 103 00:04:02,877 --> 00:04:05,412 because Thor brain good. 104 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,049 -Okay. -You once mention 105 00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:10,718 that Alberta not your real name. 106 00:04:10,852 --> 00:04:12,587 Was throwaway comment, 107 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,524 but Thor can't help but think that maybe two facts related. 108 00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:18,059 So? What if they are? 109 00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:20,695 -So, tell Thor secret. -Why? 110 00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:23,330 Because Thor put together pieces 111 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,934 like Columbo or Steve from Blue's Clues. 112 00:04:27,068 --> 00:04:28,770 Well, I ain't telling you nothing, Thor. 113 00:04:28,903 --> 00:04:31,438 Then Thor will just remind other ghosts in house 114 00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:34,776 that Alberta not your real name and how that line up 115 00:04:34,909 --> 00:04:36,611 with what Todd say. 116 00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,613 Don't you even think about getting everyone riled up. 117 00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,413 I don't want everyone hounding me. 118 00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:43,618 Well, then, you know what you must do. 119 00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:46,053 Tell Thor everything. 120 00:04:46,187 --> 00:04:48,288 Okay, fine. 121 00:04:48,421 --> 00:04:50,925 The reason I changed my name is because... 122 00:04:53,094 --> 00:04:54,228 ...I killed a man. 123 00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:57,632 And you're ashamed because... 124 00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,934 it just one person you kill? 125 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,334 Just keep it to yourself, okay? 126 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:02,804 Okay, fine. 127 00:05:02,937 --> 00:05:05,573 You got it... Alice? 128 00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,307 Ah-ah-ah! I ain't telling you the real name. 129 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,944 You get one secret. That's all you're getting. 130 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:12,980 You have my word... Beth? 131 00:05:13,114 --> 00:05:14,282 Stop. 132 00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:15,783 Wow, 133 00:05:15,950 --> 00:05:18,119 you had Vince Vaughn on the Todd Pod? 134 00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:19,654 Great guy. 135 00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,823 I'm actually using his decorator at my house. 136 00:05:21,956 --> 00:05:24,258 Nice, you moved out of your mom's house. 137 00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:25,760 No, I bought the house from her. 138 00:05:25,927 --> 00:05:27,427 But now I live in my basement. 139 00:05:27,562 --> 00:05:29,429 Why won't this man live above ground? 140 00:05:29,564 --> 00:05:31,966 Jay, these samosas are incredible. 141 00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:35,636 Am I tasting a hint of macadamia? 142 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:38,306 Actually, I fry them in macadamia nut oil. 143 00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:41,175 What a palate, Todd. But let's talk 144 00:05:41,309 --> 00:05:42,777 Colonial Vampire. 145 00:05:42,844 --> 00:05:44,312 I am biased, 146 00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:47,181 but honestly, it was my favorite book of the year. 147 00:05:47,315 --> 00:05:48,783 He's only read two, 148 00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,818 that and the unauthorized biography of Chewbacca. 149 00:05:50,952 --> 00:05:53,855 Difficult childhood, but Chewbacca come out on top. 150 00:05:53,988 --> 00:05:58,159 So, Sam, why was this the story you were dying to tell? 151 00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:02,495 Well, uh, I like historical fiction. 152 00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:05,166 The vampire thing was just sort of a gimmick 153 00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:06,868 -to please the publisher. -Oh, I was actually 154 00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:08,703 responding to the vampire stuff. 155 00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,872 That's not surprising for someone who lives in a cave. 156 00:06:11,005 --> 00:06:13,040 Samantha, may I talk to you for a second? 157 00:06:13,174 --> 00:06:14,542 Excuse me, I'll be right back. 158 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:17,712 Wait, but-- Uh... um... 159 00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,981 Well, speaking of books, 160 00:06:20,114 --> 00:06:22,350 have you read the new Chewbacca biography? 161 00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:25,219 Wookiee of the Year? Yeah, I loved it. 162 00:06:25,353 --> 00:06:27,054 Hey, Bela, I'm gonna stand near you 163 00:06:27,188 --> 00:06:28,322 to talk to a ghost. 164 00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:30,157 -No problem. -Samantha, what is 165 00:06:30,291 --> 00:06:32,727 going on over there? That man wants passion. He wants pizzazz. 166 00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,228 I know it's hard to wow in that outfit, 167 00:06:34,362 --> 00:06:35,930 but that is what the moment demands. 168 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,531 Wait, is that 169 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,233 - Todd Pearlman? - Yeah. 170 00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:41,235 Ugh. That creep asked me out in college. 171 00:06:41,369 --> 00:06:43,704 Oh, right. You went to Penn State Altoona campus. 172 00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,273 He was a townie who lived with his mom. 173 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,242 Well, now he's a wildly successful podcaster. 174 00:06:48,376 --> 00:06:49,677 Whose mom lives with him. 175 00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:51,078 Have you ever heard of the Todd Pod? 176 00:06:51,212 --> 00:06:53,915 That's him? He must be loaded. 177 00:06:54,048 --> 00:06:56,350 Is he single? I should have gone to Medieval Times 178 00:06:56,483 --> 00:06:57,518 with him when I had the chance. 179 00:06:57,652 --> 00:06:58,653 And that's why I named 180 00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,087 the restaurant after my father. 181 00:07:00,221 --> 00:07:02,189 -Mahesh. -That's incredible. 182 00:07:02,323 --> 00:07:03,591 Every step of the way, 183 00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:05,359 he fought you following your passion. 184 00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:07,929 But it was his risk-taking in moving here 185 00:07:08,062 --> 00:07:11,265 that inspired your own bold gamble. 186 00:07:11,399 --> 00:07:12,633 That is a great way of putting that. 187 00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,936 These two are really connecting. 188 00:07:15,069 --> 00:07:17,271 It's nice when men can talk about their feelings. 189 00:07:17,405 --> 00:07:20,308 Except for Gordon Lightfoot, who never shut up about them. 190 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,909 Sorry about that. 191 00:07:22,043 --> 00:07:23,377 Now, where were we? 192 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,912 Oh, that's right, 193 00:07:25,046 --> 00:07:28,115 a tale about bats and blood, tea and taxation. 194 00:07:28,249 --> 00:07:29,784 Razzle. 195 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,352 Let me stop you right there. 196 00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,554 I am gonna do my next Todd Pod here. 197 00:07:33,688 --> 00:07:35,423 -Yes. -That's amazing. 198 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,992 But not about you or your book. 199 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,527 What? 200 00:07:39,694 --> 00:07:41,963 This next Todd Pod is gonna dive deep... 201 00:07:42,096 --> 00:07:43,431 into Jay. 202 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:45,633 The razzle came too late. 203 00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:47,935 Too late. 204 00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:55,475 -What the hell was that, Jay? -I'm so sorry, Sam. 205 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,111 There's no way I could've seen that coming. 206 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:58,579 What's happening? 207 00:07:58,713 --> 00:08:00,147 Jay charmed the pants off of Creepy Todd 208 00:08:00,281 --> 00:08:02,616 and now it's about he whom Todd wants to pod. 209 00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:04,418 There's a simple solution here, babe. 210 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:05,820 I'm just gonna tell him I don't want to do his podcast. 211 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,655 He came here to feature you, 212 00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,156 and that's what's gonna happen. 213 00:08:09,290 --> 00:08:11,325 There you go. Jay jumps on the grenade, 214 00:08:11,459 --> 00:08:13,694 Sam gets her pity pod. Everyone's happy. 215 00:08:13,828 --> 00:08:15,663 Well, I don't want a pity pod. 216 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,798 Yes, we do. Need I remind you 217 00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:19,499 that without this podcast appearance, 218 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,002 our book is finished. 219 00:08:21,102 --> 00:08:22,436 And with it, my story. 220 00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:24,972 And with that, any chance of an eventual 221 00:08:25,106 --> 00:08:28,175 garish Broadway musical based on my story. 222 00:08:28,309 --> 00:08:30,011 Stakes couldn't be higher. 223 00:08:30,144 --> 00:08:31,679 You know who would be really good for the musical version? 224 00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,314 Hugh Jackman. 225 00:08:33,447 --> 00:08:35,449 No, we're not stunt casting it with movie stars. 226 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,685 I have integrity. Now let's suck up 227 00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:41,689 to that creepy toenail collector and secure that pity pod. 228 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,125 Hello there, Pete. 229 00:08:44,258 --> 00:08:47,228 Thor have some interesting news that he just learn. 230 00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:50,064 But he promise Alberta he not say. 231 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,199 Oh, okay. Well, I respect that. 232 00:08:52,333 --> 00:08:55,703 On other hand, last promise Alberta make to Thor, 233 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,339 she break. I speak, of course, 234 00:08:58,472 --> 00:09:01,709 of the saga of the revenge bail. 235 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:03,711 Sorry, is this gonna take a while? 236 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,746 Because the queen bee just left the colony, 237 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,148 and the worker bees are going nuts. 238 00:09:07,281 --> 00:09:10,384 Peter, your girlfriend Alberta... 239 00:09:10,519 --> 00:09:12,553 is murderer. 240 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,388 Sort of. 241 00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:15,556 Of just one man. 242 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,224 -What? -Also, her real name 243 00:09:17,358 --> 00:09:20,494 not Alberta. Or Alice. Or Beth. 244 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,363 So don't bother trying to guess those. 245 00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:24,398 I can't believe this. She told you this? 246 00:09:24,533 --> 00:09:27,735 Yeah, and then she tell Thor not to tell anyone. 247 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:30,371 But Thor have other plans. 248 00:09:30,505 --> 00:09:33,074 Revenge bail revenge. 249 00:09:37,546 --> 00:09:39,548 So this is where it happens. 250 00:09:40,549 --> 00:09:42,416 This is the genius's lair. 251 00:09:42,551 --> 00:09:44,819 That dude's gonna bang this kitchen. 252 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:45,920 Can I help you? 253 00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,088 Oh, hi. 254 00:09:47,221 --> 00:09:48,789 Todd Pearlman. 255 00:09:48,923 --> 00:09:50,691 I'm gonna be featuring Jay on an upcoming episode 256 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,793 -of my Todd Pod. -No way, that's you? 257 00:09:52,927 --> 00:09:54,628 You had Colin Farrell on recently. 258 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:58,065 Colin Farrell. I'd put that penguin on a leash. 259 00:09:58,199 --> 00:09:59,066 Todd, hey, 260 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,101 we need to talk. 261 00:10:00,234 --> 00:10:01,135 Oh, hi, Mark. 262 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,436 Great news on the pod, Jay. 263 00:10:02,571 --> 00:10:04,972 Yeah, about that. 264 00:10:05,106 --> 00:10:06,474 While I am deeply flattered, 265 00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:07,908 I don't think I'm gonna be able to do it. 266 00:10:08,042 --> 00:10:09,110 -What? -Seriously? 267 00:10:09,243 --> 00:10:11,078 Sounds like a huge opportunity. 268 00:10:11,212 --> 00:10:14,281 Oh, hey. I didn't know there'd be anyone in here. 269 00:10:14,415 --> 00:10:15,616 Wait a second. 270 00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:17,618 Todd? From Altoona? 271 00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:19,554 Bela Arondekar. 272 00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:21,422 That's my maiden name. 273 00:10:21,556 --> 00:10:24,291 Which I still have. Single. 274 00:10:24,425 --> 00:10:25,960 Ooh, she's good. 275 00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:27,928 Oh, yeah, Bela's my sister, and she also works here. 276 00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,630 Anyway, 277 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,932 I really appreciate the offer, but I think you should 278 00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:35,604 stick with the original plan to interview Sam. 279 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:39,106 Okay, there was no promise to interview Sam. 280 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:40,808 I came here with an open mind, 281 00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:43,777 but I wasn't moved. You move me, Jay. 282 00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:45,779 -He'll do the pod. -What? 283 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,181 What is there to even think about? 284 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,282 This could be huge for the restaurant. 285 00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:50,184 And that's good for Sam, too. 286 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,052 It's actually good for all of us. 287 00:10:52,186 --> 00:10:53,988 Mark is making some really strong points. 288 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,990 I mean, yeah, I guess that's true. 289 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:57,658 -Great, then it's settled. -Awesome. 290 00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:58,993 I'll have my guys 291 00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,995 come in and set up the equipment. 292 00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:03,030 Bela, it was nice to see you 293 00:11:03,164 --> 00:11:05,166 on this side of the Horseshoe Curve. 294 00:11:05,299 --> 00:11:08,335 Oh, my God, Todd. 295 00:11:08,469 --> 00:11:10,037 That was a hilarious Altoona reference. 296 00:11:10,171 --> 00:11:13,007 You should be a stand-up comedian. 297 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:16,110 The way she debases herself to land a rich husband. 298 00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,479 I respect the hell out of it. 299 00:11:18,613 --> 00:11:20,347 So, I had 300 00:11:20,481 --> 00:11:23,652 a sort of interesting conversation with Thor. 301 00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,654 I don't know how else to say this. 302 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:28,122 He said that you... killed a man? 303 00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:29,323 Damn it, Thor. 304 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:32,359 Revenge bail revenge! Ha! 305 00:11:32,493 --> 00:11:33,528 Petty bitch! 306 00:11:33,662 --> 00:11:34,695 Yeah! 307 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:35,863 What's going on? 308 00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:38,365 I don't want to talk about this, Pete. 309 00:11:38,499 --> 00:11:40,635 Look, I know you lived a colorful life, 310 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,336 and that you hung around with some no-goodniks, 311 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,872 but you're not a murderer. 312 00:11:44,939 --> 00:11:46,207 Are you? 313 00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:48,375 Pete, you're missing a lot of context. 314 00:11:48,510 --> 00:11:50,044 So, then share it. 315 00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,046 I don't want to. Can't we just move on? 316 00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,549 Alberta, look. 317 00:11:54,683 --> 00:11:58,219 My... my marriage was riddled with secrets. 318 00:11:58,352 --> 00:12:01,523 I was a cuckold, I was an unknowing front for the mob. 319 00:12:01,656 --> 00:12:03,424 I can't be in another relationship 320 00:12:03,558 --> 00:12:05,226 where someone's keeping secrets from me. 321 00:12:05,359 --> 00:12:07,696 If I tell you, it's gonna change the way you see me forever. 322 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,730 I just want the truth. 323 00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,266 Fine. 324 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,935 I'll tell you the story about how I became... 325 00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:19,073 ...Alberta Haynes. 326 00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:22,476 I'm a little nervous, but I love the dramatic pause. 327 00:12:22,644 --> 00:12:24,245 What's all this? 328 00:12:24,378 --> 00:12:28,382 Todd's guys set this stuff up to record the pod. 329 00:12:28,516 --> 00:12:29,917 Jay's talk with Todd must have worked. 330 00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,653 You know, I'm coming around on Jackman. 331 00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:33,187 The Greatest Showman? Maybe not, 332 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,756 but he's solid and he puts butts in seats. 333 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,424 Hey. 334 00:12:37,559 --> 00:12:39,927 Didn't love the sound of that "hey." 335 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:42,029 -How'd it go with Todd? -Well, I told him 336 00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:43,598 I didn't want to be on the show, 337 00:12:43,732 --> 00:12:45,266 but he wouldn't take no for an answer. 338 00:12:45,399 --> 00:12:46,534 Seriously, Jay? 339 00:12:46,668 --> 00:12:48,369 I was trapped. Mark was there, 340 00:12:48,503 --> 00:12:50,739 and he insisted that I do it because of the publicity. 341 00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:51,772 I can't believe this. 342 00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,407 It's all slipping away. 343 00:12:53,541 --> 00:12:55,276 At this rate, we'll be lucky to get Kevin Kline. 344 00:12:55,409 --> 00:12:59,413 Do you think I want to spend four hours 345 00:12:59,547 --> 00:13:01,482 recording with Creepy Todd? 346 00:13:01,616 --> 00:13:04,084 He was sensually stroking my kitchen counter. 347 00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:05,286 It was unnerving. 348 00:13:05,419 --> 00:13:07,454 Ugh. Todd is the worst. 349 00:13:07,589 --> 00:13:09,423 I hate that we need this freak's help. 350 00:13:09,557 --> 00:13:10,759 Hello. 351 00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:13,294 Hey, Todd. Uh, oh... 352 00:13:13,427 --> 00:13:15,630 I was just talking about my favorite kind of ice cream, 353 00:13:15,764 --> 00:13:17,798 which is vanilla. 354 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,900 Okay, so this is why I wrote and she typed. 355 00:13:20,034 --> 00:13:20,968 Save it. 356 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:24,138 I heard everything. Hot mic. 357 00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:26,307 -Todd, we can explain. -No need. 358 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:27,441 You think I'm creepy. 359 00:13:27,575 --> 00:13:29,810 Obviously, the podcast is off. 360 00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:32,146 Furthermore, I will be instructing the Todd Mob... 361 00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:34,448 -That's what he calls his fans. -...to take you down 362 00:13:34,582 --> 00:13:37,117 with an avalanche of one-star reviews. 363 00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:40,254 Thor in avalanche once, but of snow. 364 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,757 They'll destroy your book, your restaurant, your BandB, 365 00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:45,794 your hopes, your dreams and your Uber rating. 366 00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:46,827 Todd, please, 367 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,295 can't we just talk? 368 00:13:48,429 --> 00:13:49,496 You had your chance to talk. 369 00:13:49,631 --> 00:13:50,864 On the pod. 370 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,266 But now, that chance is gone. 371 00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,669 And don't even think about using my code 372 00:13:54,803 --> 00:13:56,671 to get a discount on a mattress. 373 00:13:56,805 --> 00:13:58,506 He's going full scorched earth. 374 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,676 Does anyone want to split this Altoona-style pizza with me? 375 00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,345 Oh, my God, Todd. 376 00:14:04,478 --> 00:14:06,980 Didn't even know you were here. 377 00:14:12,687 --> 00:14:15,189 Complete debasement to live in his basement. 378 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:16,691 Mmm. 379 00:14:16,825 --> 00:14:19,527 So good. 380 00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:25,866 All right, here we go. Hold on to your arrow, Pete. 381 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:28,335 As you know, I came to New York to pursue my dream 382 00:14:28,469 --> 00:14:29,870 of being a famous jazz singer. 383 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,873 But I wasn't an overnight success. 384 00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:35,543 And I still had to pay the bills. 385 00:14:35,677 --> 00:14:38,379 So you cleaned houses, you waited tables? 386 00:14:38,513 --> 00:14:39,880 No, Pete. 387 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:43,317 My real name is Esther Greene, 388 00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:45,219 and I was... 389 00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,020 a ventriloquist. 390 00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:49,056 - What? - You have to understand, 391 00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:52,660 at that time, ventriloquism was all the rage. 392 00:14:52,794 --> 00:14:55,563 Every day, buses from all over the country 393 00:14:55,697 --> 00:14:57,030 arrived in New York, full of people 394 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:58,867 with a dummy and a dream. 395 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,068 Did you have to book a second seat for the dummy 396 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:02,903 or was it like a lap child? 397 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:05,105 Sorry, travel agent brain. Continue. 398 00:15:05,239 --> 00:15:07,207 So, when singing wasn't panning out, 399 00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:08,909 I gave ventriloquism a shot. 400 00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,612 Turns out, 401 00:15:10,745 --> 00:15:12,446 I was a natural. 402 00:15:13,515 --> 00:15:14,582 Okay, Murray, 403 00:15:14,716 --> 00:15:16,785 if you're so smart, 404 00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:19,554 tell me what you see in the future. 405 00:15:20,555 --> 00:15:22,791 Well, in about 15 minutes, 406 00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:24,592 I see a bunch of people asking for a refund. 407 00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,731 Murray, you're terrible. 408 00:15:29,864 --> 00:15:32,901 Ha! Says the woman with her hand up my tush. 409 00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:35,035 But the more successful 410 00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:37,438 Esther Greene and the Magnificent Murray got, 411 00:15:37,572 --> 00:15:39,607 the further away I was from getting my dream. 412 00:15:39,741 --> 00:15:41,442 I tried to pivot, 413 00:15:41,576 --> 00:15:43,611 but the public doesn't like a pivot. 414 00:15:43,745 --> 00:15:46,581 All right, I think it's time for Murray to have a time-out. 415 00:15:46,714 --> 00:15:47,981 Okay, 416 00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,450 for something a little different, 417 00:15:49,584 --> 00:15:51,753 I, Esther Greene, will be singing 418 00:15:51,886 --> 00:15:55,122 my rendition of "A Good Man is Hard to Find." 419 00:15:57,592 --> 00:15:59,594 ♪ My heart is sad ♪ 420 00:15:59,761 --> 00:16:01,962 ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone ♪ 421 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,765 Murray! Murray! 422 00:16:03,932 --> 00:16:04,998 I knew if I didn't do something drastic, 423 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:06,467 I'd be known as one half 424 00:16:06,601 --> 00:16:07,968 of Esther and The Magnificent Murray 425 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,737 for the rest of my life. 426 00:16:09,871 --> 00:16:12,841 I'd never get to sing. I'd never get to live my dream. 427 00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:15,342 I knew I had to make a clean break. 428 00:16:15,476 --> 00:16:17,612 I didn't want it to have to be this way. 429 00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:21,014 But it's either you or me. 430 00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:22,684 No, don't do it! 431 00:16:24,586 --> 00:16:28,088 From that day on, I left Murray and Esther behind. 432 00:16:28,222 --> 00:16:30,491 I took on the name "Alberta Haynes" 433 00:16:30,625 --> 00:16:32,092 and I never looked back. 434 00:16:32,226 --> 00:16:35,262 Alberta, you have nothing to be ashamed of. 435 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,765 You threw away a successful career to go after 436 00:16:37,899 --> 00:16:39,767 what you really wanted. That takes guts. 437 00:16:39,901 --> 00:16:41,503 I appreciate that. 438 00:16:41,636 --> 00:16:44,338 But promise me you'll take this to your grave. 439 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,340 Or... you know what I mean. 440 00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:49,042 I'm proud of Alberta Haynes, 441 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,779 and I never want anything to jeopardize her legacy. 442 00:16:51,913 --> 00:16:54,014 Okay, I promise. 443 00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:57,284 So, last question on this. 444 00:16:57,417 --> 00:17:00,688 Um, are you open to any ventriloquist-dummy role-play? 445 00:17:00,822 --> 00:17:02,022 I don't think so. 446 00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:04,191 Cheerfully withdrawn. 447 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,059 Todd, please, can we just discuss this? 448 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:08,563 Why would you want to discuss anything with a creepy freak? 449 00:17:08,696 --> 00:17:10,899 I mean, if you don't want to be painted with that brush, 450 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:13,033 - maybe don't collect toenails? - Todd, 451 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,869 you thought those were insults? 452 00:17:15,003 --> 00:17:16,403 "Creep" and "freak"? 453 00:17:16,538 --> 00:17:18,205 No, those are just terms of endearment. 454 00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:21,208 Yeah, like, "Hey, let's get brunch, you creepy freak." 455 00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:22,710 Yeah, yeah. "Meet you there at noon, 456 00:17:22,844 --> 00:17:24,344 you terrifying psycho." 457 00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:25,914 Just stop it. The podcast is off 458 00:17:25,980 --> 00:17:27,481 and my followers 459 00:17:27,615 --> 00:17:29,483 are going to ruin all that you two hold sacred. 460 00:17:29,617 --> 00:17:30,718 What's going on here? 461 00:17:30,852 --> 00:17:32,020 They call Todd "creepy," 462 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,388 and now he vow to exact revenge. 463 00:17:34,522 --> 00:17:36,223 Todd, please, there has to be something we can do. 464 00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,058 There's nothing you two have that I want. 465 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,862 Poor Samantha and Jay. Their business is ruined, 466 00:17:40,995 --> 00:17:42,396 their dreams shattered. 467 00:17:42,530 --> 00:17:44,532 Sam, tell him you know my real name. 468 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,200 -Are you sure? -No, but if it will help 469 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,037 Sam and Jay, I'll do it. 470 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,337 Also sort of help Isaac. 471 00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:51,438 Don't talk me out of it. 472 00:17:51,573 --> 00:17:52,907 I'm out of here. 473 00:17:53,041 --> 00:17:54,943 Todd, wait. I know Alberta's real name. 474 00:17:56,010 --> 00:17:57,545 What are you talking about? 475 00:17:57,679 --> 00:17:59,914 That's why he can't find any record of me before 1923. 476 00:18:00,048 --> 00:18:01,415 I changed my name. 477 00:18:01,549 --> 00:18:03,417 The reason you can't find any record of her 478 00:18:03,551 --> 00:18:05,887 before 1923 is because she changed her name. 479 00:18:06,020 --> 00:18:07,287 Why? Why would she 480 00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:08,623 do such a thing? 481 00:18:08,756 --> 00:18:09,924 Oh, we will be happy to tell you, 482 00:18:10,058 --> 00:18:12,392 if you call off the Todd Mob. 483 00:18:12,527 --> 00:18:13,962 And you do 484 00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,763 the podcast about Sam. 485 00:18:15,897 --> 00:18:16,931 No. 486 00:18:17,065 --> 00:18:18,432 About both of us. 487 00:18:18,566 --> 00:18:20,434 That's right, the couple that bribes together, 488 00:18:20,568 --> 00:18:21,636 thrives together. 489 00:18:21,769 --> 00:18:23,938 No. After Jada and Will, 490 00:18:24,072 --> 00:18:26,306 I promised I would never do another couples episode. 491 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,909 Besides, I'm over Alberta. 492 00:18:28,042 --> 00:18:29,978 I'm no longer obsessed with learning 493 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:33,113 every juicy detail of her fascinating life and legacy. 494 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:35,482 Are you sure? 'Cause it's a doozy. 495 00:18:37,085 --> 00:18:38,987 I don't like how he's twitching like that. 496 00:18:40,054 --> 00:18:41,889 Okay, tell me! I gotta know! 497 00:18:42,023 --> 00:18:46,259 Ah, there's that creepy Alberta obsessive we all know and love. 498 00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,228 I'm a powerful drug. 499 00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:50,497 And that's how 500 00:18:50,632 --> 00:18:51,966 Esther Greene became Alberta Haynes. 501 00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:53,968 But where's Alberta Haynes now? 502 00:18:54,102 --> 00:18:55,469 That's the real mystery. 503 00:18:55,603 --> 00:18:56,470 What a brave 504 00:18:56,604 --> 00:18:58,271 choice by Alberta. 505 00:18:58,405 --> 00:19:01,643 Giving up the safety and stability of ventriloquism 506 00:19:01,776 --> 00:19:04,679 to test the unknown waters of jazz singing. 507 00:19:04,812 --> 00:19:06,346 See? I told you it was brave. 508 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,816 Look, I found an old picture of Esther Greene. 509 00:19:08,950 --> 00:19:10,985 Hey, that's Alberta. 510 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:12,954 I know from the tattoo on Todd's back, 511 00:19:13,087 --> 00:19:15,322 - which is not creepy. - Wow! 512 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,025 Incredible. 513 00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,292 Wait, Alberta, is that your current hat on the dummy? 514 00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,129 Yeah. I took it from 515 00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,631 Murray's splintered corpse after the attack. 516 00:19:23,765 --> 00:19:25,633 Even though I wanted to bury my past, 517 00:19:25,767 --> 00:19:27,334 I couldn't totally let go. 518 00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:30,370 The truth is, Murray will always be a part of me. 519 00:19:30,505 --> 00:19:32,507 That's really sweet, Alberta. 520 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,174 So, wait, your hat 521 00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:36,511 literal hat for dummy? 522 00:19:36,644 --> 00:19:37,645 Okay, Thor. 523 00:19:39,981 --> 00:19:42,817 This is best day of Thor afterlife! 524 00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:44,786 Okay, get it out your system. 525 00:19:44,919 --> 00:19:46,219 What dumber than tiny dumb hat? 526 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:49,691 Literal hat for dummy! 527 00:19:49,824 --> 00:19:51,125 Thank you, Alberta! 528 00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:53,895 Is incredible gift! 529 00:19:58,533 --> 00:20:00,200 For absolutely one night only... 530 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:03,203 I present Esther Greene 531 00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:07,675 and her little pal Pinecone Pete. 532 00:20:07,809 --> 00:20:09,811 Hey, why do I get second billing? 533 00:20:09,944 --> 00:20:11,879 'Cause you're the dummy, dummy. 534 00:20:12,013 --> 00:20:13,681 This is deeply weird. 535 00:20:13,815 --> 00:20:15,516 Wait, Pete voice sound different. 536 00:20:15,650 --> 00:20:18,218 Yeah, that's 'cause Alberta's doing the voice. 537 00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:20,387 But her lips not moving. 538 00:20:20,521 --> 00:20:22,757 Looks like we got a second dummy here tonight. 539 00:20:22,890 --> 00:20:24,859 Watch your words, Pinecone Pete. 540 00:20:24,992 --> 00:20:26,426 Make me. 541 00:20:26,561 --> 00:20:27,895 I will. 542 00:20:28,029 --> 00:20:28,896 Come at me, 543 00:20:29,030 --> 00:20:29,931 I dare you. 544 00:20:30,064 --> 00:20:31,165 Alberta, what are you doing? 545 00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:34,035 And now Thor's 546 00:20:34,168 --> 00:20:37,505 chopping Pete in half repeatedly. Ouch. 547 00:20:37,638 --> 00:20:39,807 Huh. That sounds like a tough watch. 548 00:20:39,974 --> 00:20:42,476 Not so funny now, Pinecone Pete! 549 00:20:42,643 --> 00:20:45,412 Stop! It's not me!