Original subtitles

I'm going to remove the tape, but do not, I repeat, do not make a sound.

Do you understand?

I said don't make a sound!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. If you do that again, I'll put a bullet in your dick,

okay? What?

I said I'll put a bullet in your dick, motherfucker.

What, you mean like slip it down the japs eye or something?

What? No, I'll point the gun at your penis and pull the trigger. It's pretty

fucking simple.

And Jack's eye is not very PC. In fact, it's very racist.

I'm sorry.

What?

Get the camera.

I've got a kid and a wife.

Please.

It's not really working, is it?

It doesn't look hostage, you know.

No. That's it.

vote again, vote differently.

And the answer, in my experience, is a unanimous yes, definitely.

They were sold a lie.

They enjoyed the glamour of it. They enjoyed... It was almost counterculture,

wasn't it, at the time? You were cocking a snoop at the establishment...

Shall I do that again?

I could do Scottish.

No, that would be great. Thanks.

Thanks so much for seeing me. Thanks for coming in. Thank you so much. Thank

you.

That was all right, wasn't it?

Yeah. I mean, quite emotional for a yoga advert.

But it was good. It was good. Suzanne?

Hi. Hi. Thanks for coming in.

I am.

For me, it just seems like the obvious way forward.

I mean, we're living through the digital revolution, you know. A job in tech is

future -proof. I tell you, though, I've never got to be retraining at my age.

My girlfriend's an actress, you know, and I see how much she struggles.

No security in that game, I tell you.

Look, I keep saying to her, you should have a backup plan, baby.

Something safe, just in case. And not because she's not talented. She is.

amazing.

Oh, speak of the devil.

Do you mind if I get this?

Thank you.

Hey, baby, how'd it go?

They are all cunts.

Rude, pretentious. Baby, baby.

They just looked at me like I did a fucking shit in front of them. Baby,

Yeah, baby, yeah, baby, I know.

I'm with a passenger at the moment and I'm driving, so I will call you when I

get home, OK?

I'm just going to fucking kill myself.

Sorry about that.

She's not really going to kill herself, is she? No, no.

She does that after every audition.

Hey, boo -boo.

Maggie?

Hey.

Hey.

Who are they for?

I don't know the back, but I'll get you down.

Baby, you can't afford to spend money on flowers.

You need a pint.

Oh.

MP Richard Hardy has announced he'll be visiting various towns and cities across

the north -east of England this week.

He claims his party has completely lost touch with the region.

Do you remember my friend from school, Natalie?

She bought a house with her fiancé. She posted pictures.

As if my day couldn't get any fucking worse.

What have I told you about going on social media and reading your friend's

news? It's just going to depress you.

Anyway, does it mean she's happier?

Yeah, but she wishes she was us.

Listen, when I finished my course...

I'm going to quit the driving and I'm going to get a programming job. I'm

talking Amazon.

I'm talking Google, you know? Finally, a little bit of stability for us. How

amazing will that be?

OK,

don't get too excited.

Sorry, baby, I'm just having a shit day.

I know, but, look, something good is coming our way.

I can feel it in my bones.

Oh, shit.

What? Um, I've been evicted.

What was that about your bones?

You two months behind.

This seems a bit extreme.

I'll fix this, don't worry.

How are you going to fix it?

I'll figure it out.

We'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

Look at you being all alpha.

What?

I don't know what I did to deserve you. You're too nice.

Booboo.

Sorry, I just don't feel like it.

Sorry, it's not you, it's the antidepressants.

Okay. It fucks with the libido, doesn't it?

not just in London, but the outer regions. And that's why we're going up

northeast to make clear our promise to the working people and to come up with a

strategy that is going to enhance their lives and hopefully the rest of Britain

as a result.

Without us taking control of our lives.

France? Spain or anywhere.

I think it's so hot and you know that I can't handle the heat.

Oh God, or I'll just stay and rot in our shitty little flat which I can't even

afford.

I just thought a change would be good after everything we've been through. We

could move back to London.

We can't afford London.

Or Wales.

You know, my parents live by the sea. That always calms you down.

It's not really the same as it does in France, is it?

What about your career, then?

What career?

Seriously, if I'm not going to be a famous actress, then I'd rather be a no

-in -a -sunny country, you know?

You love acting.

Yeah, I love acting.

I don't love not acting.

I suppose I could get an IT job, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Transferable skill. Could do that out there.

It's Brexit, though.

Oh, hell.

I just want to feel excited about something in my life again.

Don't you?

Otherwise, they'll kill me.

These people are serious.

Do not try to call their bluff.

Just follow the instruction and transfer the money.

Please.

Please.

I don't want to die.

A bit fake.

Not much feeling, but I guess that's what you get from a politician.

How's it going? Nearly done. Come on. All right, all right. It's uploading.

Right, and it definitely won't be able to trace it back to us. No, emails are

from a fake account and I've coded everything else so that its location is

blocked. This computer course of yours is finally paying off?

See? Just imagine what kind of job I'll be able to get once I finish it. What

are you talking about?

We're getting the fuck out.

Yeah, I just... Bibu, when this thing pays off, you're not going to need our

fucking key anymore.

We're going to France.

We're going to open a B &B.

We're going to drink wine, eat croissants.

Tell me that doesn't sound good.

Yeah. Yeah, it does sound good. Just no croissants for me, obviously, because of

the gluten.

Yeah. And the dairy.

Okay.

It's done.

Right. Time to call the wife.

Okay.

God, this thing is... It's killing me. You're not hot in yours. I'm so hot. I

think it's meant for polyester. Yeah, 100 % polyester. Well,

we can't afford to take any chances.

Who knows, I might sweat some fat off my face. Fat? What are you talking about?

I was joking.

Okay.

Ready? Yeah.

I love you.

I love you too.

Hello?

What's going on?

Where's your phone?

In my pocket.

I got it. I'll be shooting it off after.

What's her name?

What? Who?

Your wife, fuckface. Oh, uh, Lindsay. Lindsay Hardy.

Why are you doing this?

Are you one of my constituents?

Oh, wait, did the PM send you?

Look, tell him there are just some things I can't back him on, okay?

I think you don't remember a lot about last night.

Uh, no, not really.

You didn't pick up the phone, woman.

Went to dinner with Lindsay.

Ended up having an awful tiff again.

I was perfectly stressed as work getting to both of us.

Oh, God, then I went to some pub by myself.

I'm fucking blotted on an arse.

So you don't remember meeting us?

Meeting you?

No, sorry. I don't think we've been properly introduced. You are... She's

fucking picking up.

A message.

A message.

Lindsay Hardy.

Who's this?

We have your husband.

We want 100k by 11am.

Or we kill him.

Is this a joke?

Does it sound like a fucking joke?

I don't know. Depends if you find that kind of thing funny.

It's not a fucking joke, dickhead. Check your emails. We've sent you the proof.

We want 100 grand in Bitcoin, okay?

Bitcoin? I don't know the first thing about Bitcoin. Just fucking check your

emails, dickhead. It explains everything.

And if you fucking go to the police, we'll fuck him up so bad you won't be

to recognise him.

Fuck, that was amazing!

Are you sure she can get that kind of money? Yes, of course she can.

Yes, of course she can.

You cocky little privileged punks.

I bet you've got millions in offshore accounts.

No, no, no, I was just trying to reassure you not to worry. She will get

money.

Good.

Hallway debrief now.

OK, we take it in turns to watch him while the other one sleeps.

You were really mean, weren't you?

What? Baby, I was just acting.

I was playing a character.

Who? What?

Who are you playing?

I don't know, Mad Maggie.

That's your name?

Yeah, but it's a version of me.

You need to think of a character too.

Right. You were too soft in there. Can't have him thinking you're a nice guy.

How did you feel that in there?

Feel the war.

The buzz.

This is way more fun than any live show I've ever done.

Except maybe that one -woman show I did about the Troubles, the musical, is

before we met.

Thank you so much for doing this with me, baby. It means so much.

Shall we go upstairs for a quick park?

We're leaving it now?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. I don't think I'm up to it. My IBS is playing up.

Oh, Jesus.

No, I mean, I want to. Don't get me wrong. No, it's fine.

Look, just go upstairs.

I know you're stressed.

I'll keep an eye on him.

Set your alarm and come and get me in a couple of hours.

OK, you're going to be OK on your own.

Not on my own, am I?

I've got my little friend.

OK, let's make sure that he doesn't find out that it's not loaded.

You definitely took the bullet out, didn't you?

Yeah, of course I did.

Stop being such a little worrywart.

Go upstairs and get your beauty sleep, okay?

Okay.

You're part of that radical left -wing terrorist group I keep hearing about.

LGBT rights.

I voted for gay marriage, you know, so I'm... Shut up, dick.

So what?

You're just a couple of chances trying to enrich yourselves.

Yeah, well, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?

Enriching yourselves at the expense of others.

Cronyism. Tax cuts for the rich. Fucking over the poor and needy.

Oh, right, you think that's funny.

No. Sorry.

No, go on, share the fucking joke.

It's just a bit hypocritical, don't you think?

You go out of your way to get what you want by any means necessary, regardless

of who it hurts. It's not exactly socialism.

Yeah, well, we weren't all born with silver spoons hanging out of our

You need to do your research, Pumpkin.

Pumpkin? I worked hard to get my position.

See, this is the problem with people nowadays. Oh, God, here we go. You all

success without actually putting the work in. You think you can get rich by

eating Kit Kats on Instagram?

Kit Kats? Chocolate sweets.

Does it matter which ones?

You all want money for nothing. I'm not going to sit here and listen to some

posh, eaten biscuit wanker lecture me about hard work.

I don't know if you've forgotten what's going on here, so I'm going to remind

you.

You're being held hostage.

And I've got my finger on the trigger of a loaded gun.

So if you don't mind, shut the fuck up.

Fair point.

I just want to feel excited about something in my life again.

Don't you?

Good shift.

I'm here.

Ah. The tuna and the suave.

Ah, thank you.

And the sea bass.

What's that?

It's your dinner, sir.

But I ordered sea bream.

Richard, please don't. What?

Well, bass and bream are very similar, sir.

No, sweetheart, they're really not.

You need to do your research.

Sea bass has more bones. I don't want more bones. I want sea bream. What I

ordered, please.

All right, well, there's no need to be a dick about it.

Excuse me?

Get you your fucking bream.

Can you believe that?

Fucking arsehole. Who?

Fuckface and table man.

Went ape shit at me just because I got bath and bream mixed up.

I mean, seriously, what's the difference?

Bath had more bones.

Really?

Uh -oh.

Fuck. Shit.

Yes. Yes, thank you. Of course.

Maggie, can I have a word?

Look, I don't know what he said to you, but he was really rude to me.

Do you know who that is?

Yeah, it's the customer, but they're not always right.

It's Richard Hardy.

The MP.

So? It doesn't mean he can be rude to people.

Yeah, well, I want you to get your stuff and leave.

What? You can't do that. You should have heard the way he spoke to me. I don't

care, Maggie.

It's not the first time I've had to deal with somebody complaining about your

attitude.

Right. Okay, fine.

You know what? Fuck your fucking going.

What's going on?

I just went to pick you up from the hotel and they said that you don't work

there anymore.

It wasn't my fault.

Richard Hardy came in, right?

Who? Richard Hardy, the politician.

He was rude to me.

Like, really rude.

Oh, right, yeah, I know him.

He was up here doing the toilet and all, wasn't he? And what's that got to do

with you? I just told you he came in.

And I might have called him a dick.

Oh, baby, why?

I'm not like you.

Am I? I don't like... Eating shit.

The fuck is that supposed to mean?

You're so nice all the time. That's a bad thing.

Don't you just want to tell the world to fuck off sometimes?

Where is this coming from?

I'm sick of us being victims.

We're not victims.

No, of course we're not. Look at us, we're living the fucking dream.

Alright, do you want me to be more like your ex then?

Oh my god, not this again.

Drug dealer, gangster, bad man, yeah?

He wasn't a gangster bad man.

He was a drug dealer.

I mean, how am I meant to feel, right? You told me on our second date that

you've always been attracted to bad boys.

Yeah, I think I was finally happy to meet someone nice.

I thought you didn't like me being nice.

Where are you going?

One of us has gone away with money for rent, haven't we?

Almost, Dickie.

Almost.

Baby. No.

What's going on?

You were meant to come and get me.

What's the time?

Oh, shit. Have you been awake all this time?

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

What was it?

I found him in the wardrobe.

I feel a quality on that.

Yeah, I know.

Have you heard off the wife yet?

No, but, you know, it's still early.

So, if we don't hear from her by 11, I'll call her back.

I'm hungry.

Are you hungry? I'm starving.

Shall we get a deliveroo?

I don't think they have a deliveroo, don't you, Bibi?

How do they fucking live like this?

Hello?

Someone, please, quick.

Quickly.

Please,

someone, quickly.

It's an emergency.

What the fuck did I tell you about keeping the noise down? Sorry, I'm just

really desperate for the loo.

Right, well, you'll have to piss yourself.

It's a poo.

Can it not wait?

Nope. I've got a turtle's head.

Oh, my God. All right. Well, we don't need the fucking details, do we? You'd

better not try anything.

Get me the tape.

Get me the scissors as well.

Right, Google nearest thing, please.

It's going to be open now.

Just have a look and we'll order later, OK?

Right, Richard.

Let's get you to your potty.

Yeah what?

Imprivately, please.

Er, no. Don't think so, mate.

What do you think I'm going to do? Swim down the toilet?

Well, you might try and climb out the window.

Do I look like a fucking midget?

You can't say that. That's offensive.

It's just my luck to be kidnapped by a woke fucking snowflake.

What are you doing?

What do you think?

You don't want to hear me, do I?

I have heard people fart before, you know.

No, I'm not talking about bodily sounds, am I? I'm talking about, you know,

the... Plop.

You're telling me you've never done this?

To break the fall or run the taps to hide the sound?

I'm not even going to have this chat with you. I suppose your shits just

down to the water, do they?

You've got tiny little drones that come out of your anus and carry them down.

Just get on with it.

I don't give a fuck.

Being held hostage.

I think a woman here might plop.

Yeah, that's right, a woman.

You're right shitting in front of your mates, aren't you?

Tomo, Watkins, Horndog, all those boarding school games you got up to.

Wanking into biscuits.

I have never masturbated onto a biscuit.

Yeah, right, sure you haven't.

All right.

Maggie, Maggie. Maggie!

We've got a problem!

We've got a problem!

Maggie, huh?

Shut up and wipe.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

A hostage video of the MP followed shortly after. Fuck, baby, we've had no

from her. This is not good. This is so not good.

In the hope it might help track her husband down.

Please.

Please.

I don't want to die.

Do you think I look a bit jowly?

King Bitch went to the press.

It's up on YouTube as well. It's got nearly two million views. It's got two

million views. How is it blown up like this? This is this. It's not good. This

is so not good.

Give me his phone now.

Hello?

I thought I told you not a word to anyone.

I'm not making this shit up, love. I'll put a fucking bullet in his head. Do you

understand me?

Sorry, what?

I said yes.

Go for it.

The bastard deserves it. I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I'm

threatening to kill your husband.

Hello?

Fucking bitch hung up on me.

Is everything OK with you both?

Yeah, we had a bit of an argument, but nothing serious.

Listen, you fucking bitch. What don't you understand?

I don't care what you fucking do to him.

Talk to her.

Hey, Lindsay.

It's Richard.

What are you playing at, honey bun? Just send them the money.

Don't tell me what to do.

Not tell me what to do. This isn't a joke, Lindsay. They're standing here

pointing a gun at my fucking head.

This is not the time to call our bluff, Lindsay.

Oh, I sound like your marriage counsellor. A little bit, yeah.

She does a bit, doesn't she, Richard?

The second one we had. You know, the one you wanted to fuck. Oh, my God, she's

insane. I can't do it. I can't put on a smile just to help your political

career. It's over, you hear me? I won't be your Hillary anymore.

You fucking bitch.

Listen to me, you nutter.

You want your daughter to see her daddy again, don't you?

Oh, Coco.

Lindsay, darling, tell Coco I love her.

I can't believe she's done that.

What do we do now?

Baby, what the fuck do we do now?

Fucking hell, Dick. How many fucking women did you sleep with? She just let

die. That's it. Other room now, baby. Come on. Turn this fucking ball off.

Stay there.

Right, it's over. We have to let him go. No, no way. No, we've got no option.

Well, then we lose.

Baby, this isn't about winning or losing.

Yes, it is. It's absolutely about winning.

Pulled this out to be an act of terrorism or a form of political

We spoke to Mr Hardy's colleague, Kristen Weatherly. Listen to me. If we

losses now, we can get away unscathed. He hasn't seen our faces.

Unscathed? We have spent every last penny we have renting this fucking

stupid house.

And now we're in even more debt. We cannot let him go.

We can and we are. It's done. It's over. I don't care, right? End credit,

person, finito. We're done. No!

Right, Mr Hardy, we're really sorry for everything that we put you through and I

hope that one day you can forgive us.

What?

You're letting me go? Yes.

We're going to have to put the sack back on your head. I'm afraid it can't have

you know in our location.

So sorry in advance and well, sorry for everything really.

Shall we?

Must be your lucky day, Hardy.

No, wait, wait.

I don't want to go.

What?

I want to stay.

I don't think you understand it's over.

I don't want to go yet.

You're a fucking plot. Maybe you guys could still make some money out of this

thing. Yeah?

Really, how?

Put the ransom out to someone else, the general public or the police or

something. What, and you think they'd pay?

If they thought they'd save my life, yeah.

Well, it didn't exactly work out with your wife, did it? Sorry, mate. OK, I'll

pay. £100 ,000, I'll do it. Just let me stay a bit longer.

You're going to pay £100 ,000 for having to keep doing this? No, no, no.

Why would you do that?

I have my reasons.

Yeah, well, I want to know them.

OK, fine.

We politicians have got a little thing.

Never waste a crisis. You heard him. Nearly 2 million views. Yeah, and it's 4

million. Oh, that doubled in like 10 minutes.

Fuck me, 4 million. Hang on, hang on. You want to do this to raise your

You can judge me all you like, sweetheart.

I know a lot of politicians who'd pay through the roof for this kind of PR.

It's going to give me an edge, a story.

I've been waiting for something like this my whole fucking career. Yeah,

we didn't do this to push your career.

200k and you've got yourself a deal.

You greedy little bitch. It's a big risk.

How do we know you're not going to double -cross her? Which is exactly why

shouldn't do it. Why would I double -cross you? I told you, I want this.

You'll be doing me a favour.

Look, my accountant is a dodgy fucker. If I tell him to transfer £100 ,000 in

Bitcoin, it's done. No questions asked. You mean £200 ,000.

Okay,

fine. £200 ,000. But for that, we stay here until I say so. I want to milk this

for every fucking penny.

Fine.

Deal? I said fine, didn't I? We stay here until I say so. Yes, until you say

I can't believe you just did that.

Fine. Don't worry, I'll speak to him.

What are you doing?

I need some air.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Okay, save.

Now.

What is your problem?

You just agreed the deal with our hostage, even though we decided to let

Yeah, and I got us double the money.

So congrats, you'd be nice.

Have you been taking your meds?

What's that got to do with anything?

Have you been taking them?

I don't fucking need meds. Either you have or you haven't.

I ran out, okay?

When?

Why didn't you get some more?

When exactly would I have had time to get some more? We've been pretty fucking

busy.

You know what? For a clever person, Brian, you can be really stupid

At least that explains why you're being so horrible.

You're not being yourself.

Maybe I am.

Have you ever considered that?

That without the drugs to numb me, this is my true self and that you just don't

like the real me.

Yeah. Maybe I don't.

All sorted.

You'd have to take me up again.

I'm the compass now, we're in this together.

I'm not taking any risks.

Where'd the lover boy go?

He's been very upset.

He's stressed.

We all are.

You seem okay, all things considered.

Yeah, well, I've been around the block a few times.

Who hasn't?

How did you convince him to do this?

Why do you assume that it was me who had to convince him?

Come on.

You do make rather an odd couple.

Your wife wants you dead. I don't really think you're in a position to judge.

I'm just saying I'm surprised you're with someone like him, that's all.

You're clearly very driven, very ambitious.

You've got fire in your belly.

Him, on the other hand, just a bit pathetic, really.

I need to be a dick.

A dick.

You should take that off, if it's bothering you.

You're right.

Why not?

I know who you are now.

What, just because you said my name earlier?

It can't be that difficult to work out. How many Magus do you think work in that

hotel?

Well, there's no need to be a dick about it. Excuse me?

I'll get you your fucking bream.

Can you believe that?

I'm not happy, Richard.

No, neither am I. How dare she speak to me like that? I mean, this wouldn't

happen in London. This whole trip's been a fucking far. I'm talking about the

fucking food. I'm talking about... Excuse me.

That waitress of yours?

Yes. She's vile.

I am so sorry.

No, no, no. Not only did she make a massive error with her order, she spoke

me as if it was my fault. That will not happen again, I promise.

I just hope not.

And the wine is on us. No, no, no, you don't have to do that.

No, I insist.

Maybe another bottle, since we're going to have to wait longer for the food now?

Yes. Yes, thank you, OK? Thank you.

Maggie, work, please.

I don't know what he's told you.

I want a divorce.

What? Where the fuck did that come from? Don't act so surprised, Richard.

You know I've not been happy.

Honeybun, listen, this is about me not being entirely faithful.

We've talked about this. It's all in the past.

You stuck your penis into the nanny two weeks ago.

I know, but in the past.

Darling, I know I've made the occasional mistake.

Occasional? Try five, six, however many it is. Please, please, darling. I know I

don't deserve you. No, you don't. Don't do this now. Not here.

I'm an absolute arse, I know.

But this bloody job, Lynn, the pressure.

I can't get a sniff from the PM, I'm not in the circle.

I think the reason I've strayed is that I just feel... I feel insecure.

There, I've said it.

And I'm not saying that makes it OK, it doesn't. It's disgusting behaviour, and

I don't blame you for wanting to leave me, but... For what it's worth, Lindsay,

darling, I swear on Mummy's life I won't do it again.

Please stick by me.

If we don't stick together, we'll never make it to number ten. And that's what

this has all been about.

I think everything will be... It'll all stop then.

Come on.

No, I can't do this right now, Richard.

Where are you going?

Upstairs. I need to think. About what?

Everything.

For fuck's sake.

Everything all right, sir?

Yeah, just lovely, thanks. Actually, I need to get out of here. Decent booze is

close by. The naughty otter?

Funny.

I don't remember you being so attractive.

What, you don't like compliments?

I think you're suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, mate.

So all of this because I got you fired?

Idiot.

Well, what then?

We're both struggling, OK? It's not something I expect you to understand.

You don't look like you're struggling.

This? It's an Airbnb.

But you hired an Airbnb for kidnapping.

What, to get away an Uber?

Yeah, kind of.

You're afraid I have to say this. We don't kidnap our elected politicians.

This may surprise you, but I've had my fair share of tough experiences.

Oh, really? What happened? Did your cleaner cancel on you?

I was bullied throughout school.

You were bullied?

What, did you refuse to come on a hobnob?

Why is it that everyone assumes if you went to boarding school you communally

masturbated onto a biscuit?

So what then?

My name.

Okay? My entire childhood was ruined because of my stupid name.

What's wrong with your name?

Richard Hardy.

What did you call me for short?

Dick.

Dick. Hardy.

Hard Dick.

Not so hard Dick.

Where's Dick Hardy?

No wonder you turned out to be this guy.

So how many hits are we on now?

It's not the early noughties, Dick. No one says hits anymore.

Oh, my God.

What? Nearly seven million.

Seven million?

Oh, God, you do not want to hear these comments.

Why? What are people saying?

I hope they break both his arms and legs so that when he tries to claim

disability benefits, he finds out that there aren't any because the cum...

Sucking shitfucker.

Cut them all. OK, so you don't need to read any more? Dick Hardy had this

coming. I hope they rape the shit out of him. Jesus Christ, are people really

that sick?

Er, yeah.

Yeah, it's called the internet.

Do you really think this plan's going to work?

It's already working.

But people hate you.

Tell me, who's our Prime Minister?

What's he saying? It's good to be hated. I'm saying there's no such thing as bad

press. Not in this day and age.

You probably wouldn't understand, but it's increasingly difficult to cut

the noise, to be heard, to stand out. Oh, my God, tell me about it. It's a

fucking nightmare. It's all about how many Instagram followers you've got.

It's not about talent anymore.

No one cares about talent.

If you want to get somewhere, you've got to have a thing, a story, something

people haven't seen before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they say that they want more

diversity in women, but it's always the white, posh boys who get all the roles.

What?

What?

Should we make another one?

What do you mean?

Another hostage tape. Give the fuckers what they really want.

Well, it sounds like they want you to suffer.

So make me suffer.

So what do you think?

Honestly?

I'm all alone.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah. I've always wanted kids.

And look, I know that we haven't been together long and we haven't got a ton

money. Yeah, we've got no money.

But we'll make it work.

I'll make it work.

I'll start that computer course, you know, which brings together money.

And what about you? You want to keep it?

Yeah. Yeah.

I just...

You know, I wasn't planning on doing this just yet.

I've still got stuff I want to do with my life, you know?

It's even enough to put things on hold for, what, a year or two?

People still achieve things after they've had kids, you know?

Hmm.

You're not disappointed this would be here, are you?

What? No, of course not.

Don't be silly.

No, I just don't think you really loved your ex, that's all.

Yeah. It was never going to work out with Jay.

And anyway, I can't think of anyone I'd rather have a kid with than you.

You're going to be a great mum.

Shut up.

You are.

Dick.

You got any ideas about baby names?

I like Bing.

Bing? Yeah. I want to name our kid Bing Lewis.

Add in, like, Chandler Bing.

Bing Crosby.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, but the way I see it, right, is karma, you know? Do you know what I

Like, politicians have been getting away with murder for years. Really?

What, murder?

Sending troops to an illegal war. Yeah, OK, fair point. All right, what's my

motivation? Uh... £200 ,000?

Shut up.

I'm getting into character.

What are you, an actress or something?

You're a bloody actress, aren't you?

Well, that makes sense. What's that supposed to mean?

Explains why you're off your brocker.

Very sexist and gay dick.

Well, if it annoys you, use it. Come on, hit me.

What?

Hit me.

What, for real?

Yes. What, like a punch or a slap or what? Just fucking hit me, love.

What?

What's wrong?

It's not the same when you want me to do it.

Okay, um... Please don't hit me. Don't hit me, please. Better. Oh, God, please.

I don't want to die, please.

The longer you take to pay, the more we hurt him.

All right, all right.

I keep saying character.

I'm in fucking character. I'm playing me, remember?

We're going to have to do the whole thing again now, aren't we?

Fuck yeah!

Hi, baby.

Why are you untied? Why aren't you wearing a mask?

Well, you know, he's in this now, isn't he? Seemed a bit weird to keep him tied

up.

And he guessed my name.

No thanks to you.

What have you got there?

I bought you a takeaway.

Oh, my God, you're amazing.

I'm sorry about earlier. About what I said before I went out. I was upset that

wasn't thinking right.

It's okay.

No, no, no. I want to, okay?

What I said was horrible.

Of course I love the real you.

Honestly, baby, it's fine.

In any case or not, you are amazing. I am so lucky to have you. I don't know

about you guys, but I need a drink. Any booze in here? I'm just trying to have a

chat with my girlfriend, if you don't mind. Girlfriend?

Do you want some of this?

No, I'm alright, thanks.

I don't know.

You were followed.

I don't think I was.

Well, you were.

I really don't think I was, Dick.

Cynthia?

Fuck.

Ah,

bingo.

Cynthia?

It's an old woman.

What's she want?

I don't know. I can't read her thoughts.

Cynthia? It's me, Doris.

She's gone.

I told you not to go out, didn't I?

Sorry.

That could have fucked the whole thing up.

Guys! We've got a problem.

What is it?

There's a little terrapin slipping around the back door.

Does he need the toilet again?

Shit, shit, shit, shit, quick, hide! Where? Down!

Hello. You're not Cynthia.

No, no, we're not Cynthia.

Well, what are you doing in Cynthia's house then?

We Airbnb'd it for the week.

You've done what?

We rented it on Airbnb.

On the internet.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you often let yourself into Cynthia's house?

Cynthia likes me to water her plants while she's away.

Anyway, I saw somebody coming in earlier. Yeah, that would have been my

boyfriend. Here.

So why didn't you answer the door just now? I rang twice.

Well, we're just about to have a little nap, actually, so... Thank you for

popping by.

I might just double -check with Cynthia that you are who you say you are.

Yes, give her a call, tell her you met the lovely couple who are renting a

house. What, that B &B up in the sky thing?

Yes, that's right.

What are you doing with that?

I don't know, you don't need to touch that. This is a gun, isn't it?

Since you know you've got a gun, I'll have to tell her about this, you know.

It's not real. It's a fake gun.

It looks real.

Chaps, what's going on?

I thought you said it wasn't loaded.

Hello?

Holy fucking gun. What happened?

The gun went off.

Do you think she's dead?

Well, if she's not, she's going to have one hell of a headache.

This is really not the time for dad jokes.

We killed her.

We didn't, baby.

Look, it wasn't our fault. She shot herself.

With our gun?

Why the fuck was it loaded?

I thought you took the bullets out. Why the fuck did you load them? You fucked

up the fucking shot, didn't you? You left me here alone.

I needed to feel protected.

How the hell did you get hold of a firearm anyway? I used to date a drug

Really? What, that surprises you?

Exactly. Exactly. She was old. She was way past her prime. She probably only

a couple of years left in her, if that.

OK. We have to hand ourselves in. No, baby, look.

Look, you're not thinking straight, OK? I know what's happened's horrible, but

we've come too far.

She's dead. Your woman is dead. Yes, I know. And handing ourselves in is not

going to change that.

She's right. I mean, it's a terrible tragedy that the old lady's gone. But,

know, like when Covid hit, if there are going to be victims, it's better that

it's OAPs. I mean, they've had a good inning, haven't they?

You people.

Right.

What do we do now?

You need to get rid of the body.

The only problem is, for you, that is, is that as soon as someone finds out

she's gone missing, they're going to want to know who rented this building

Not a problem.

Brian created an untraceable Airbnb account.

They can't track it back to us. You're pretty good with the techie stuff,

you? I've been doing a computer course.

You should come and work for my campaign when it all blows over.

We'll be in France by then.

France? Right, as soon as it's dark, I'm going to take her outside and bury her.

Agreed? I don't think so.

What do you mean you don't think so?

Well, burying bodies wasn't part of the deal, was it?

Tell me about it.

But we've got to do it. I really don't want to get my hands dirty on this.

of course you don't, Eaton boy.

But we're all in this together.

Do you remember that one?

Logan! Yeah, which means we're all involved.

And that includes you, baby.

Come on.

I need a pee.

In fact, are we not going to talk about what just happened there?

What's there to talk about?

As soon as it gets dark, we're going to go outside and bury her. I meant what

happened before that.

My boyfriend is upstairs in your bed, so no, we're not going to talk about it.

We're going to forget it ever happened.

But it did happen, and it was nice, no?

You've got some serious issues, you know that?

Yeah.

It was a one -off, OK?

Get that into your thick, posh nut.

It doesn't have to be a one -off, though, does it?

Charlie boy up there, he doesn't want to be a part of this.

We could do this ourselves and have a bit of fun. You catch my drift?

You're an actual sociopath.

I'm a sociopath?

Yeah.

And I'm fucking starving, so if you don't mind.

Well, we're just gonna have to do more digging, aren't we? No, fuck it. No,

had enough.

Weeds are in.

Fucking hell.

We're going to hell.

We're going to hell and we deserve to go away.

Shut up. You're really fucking stressing me out. Guys, guys, quiet.

This is not the time for a domestic, okay?

It's him.

He's bringing the vibe down.

Vibe?

Vibe?

Vibe, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you wanted this to be so vibey. Do you want

to like some incense?

Maybe bring some fucking pink blind out?

All right, okay, look, I'm sorry. I had the worst vibe.

But you're being really childish.

You're being childish?

No, that's childish. Guys, that's enough, okay?

Are you listening to me?

You're both clearly harbouring resentment and you're not communicating

all right?

This is the kind of thing that destroyed my marriage.

Funny, I thought it was you sleeping with other women.

Well, that may have had something to do with it. This is not about me. It's

about you two, OK?

And this here should be cause for celebration.

You're about to have more money than you've ever had in your lives and you're

both miserable.

So can I suggest that you get whatever you need to off your chest now and then

you can move on?

I really don't think...

That's a good idea. No, no, no, no, no.

So the shovel, whoever has the shovel, gets to talk uninterrupted, OK? It's a

little thing my therapist did with me and Lyndon.

It bared some results, OK?

Right, so you... I'll be

safe.

So... This is a safe space.

I just...

I just feel like sometimes you want me to be someone that I'm not. I've

He's got the shovel.

It's like sometimes you're embarrassed of me.

That's it.

Oh, OK, OK, well done.

Short, simple, but very good, very good.

Of course I'm not embarrassed of you, you idiot.

I love you.

I just wish you were a bit more adventurous, that's all. Kidnapping

not adventurous enough. Hello, shovel.

I guess I mean more ambitious.

You're just so happy to make do all the time.

And I'm not.

I want to be someone.

I want to be successful. I want to live life to the fullest.

Right, I think ambition is overrated.

Look at you now, OK?

You've been dreaming of being successful and famous and it seems to bring you

nothing but pain.

I think that's why you probably started on the antidepressants.

Cos what's so wrong with just being a person, you know?

Being anonymous.

And I sometimes think that you were happy that we lost the baby. Where the

did that come from?

Look, you weren't very excited when we got pregnant and you showed no emotion

when you miscarried. I think I was more upset.

How the fuck can you say that to me?

Right, look at me and tell me that you wanted a kid with me.

I wanted... For me.

Fucking hell.

I think that went quite well.

You fucking arsehole.

What? I know what you're doing.

Just hope it all works out for us.

You're still annoyed with me?

Just trying to help you guys.

I mean, how am I meant to feel, right? You told me on our second date that

you've always been attracted to bad boys.

Yeah, I think I was finally happy to meet someone nice.

I thought you didn't like me being nice.

Where are you going?

One of us has gone away with money for rent, haven't we?

I'm just wondering if there's somewhere else I could go. Are you busy now?

Fuck the cop!

It's all fun.

It's all fun!

Fucking... Hard, yeah?

Yeah.

Listen,

if you could just put your seatbelt on... Just fucking drive!

Yeah, look, I know that it's a pain, but, you know, it's better safe than...

Stop sulking yet.

Come outside, now.

What's going on?

Somebody wants to say hi.

Who is it?

Is he alright? Look properly.

Fuck off.

I'm a very strong passenger.

Why did you bring him here?

I thought about what you were saying about, you know, us being victims. And I

just thought, fuck it, you know.

Let's take control. Let's make some money.

It's all about kidnapping him. I know what you're talking about, Brian. Yeah.

I'm so... Pissed off?

Flattered.

The most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.

Is it?

Yes.

Jesus, Brian, I didn't think you had it in you.

I mean, he said to be fair.

Right, how much do we ask for?

Doesn't matter, we can figure it out later. Right, first things first.

We need a gun.

A gun? No, no, no. We don't need to figure it out for her. But we can't

his life with our fists.

Yeah, but this is America.

You can't just walk into her corner shop and ask for a handgun and a whisper.

You need to know someone. You need to know a criminal or a gangster.

No, no, no, no, no.

Please, come on, don't be like that.

Don't want to involve your ex. I'll tell him it's for a fringe play or

something.

It's an amazing thing for us.

We can't do this without a gun.

If we do this, we can do whatever we want.

We can go wherever we want to go.

As long as it's just you and me.

Absolutely horrific what happened.

I have spoken to his wife and she is, as you can imagine, completely distraught.

There's been an overwhelming response of love and support for Richard.

I've actually spoken to the President of the United States of America.

Okay? And I spoke to him, you know.

And it's amazing the level of interest from people that we've had on this. I

mean, Richard wasn't really that well known on an international level, but

now...

Damn it.

It's Richard.

Yeah. No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. Listen. I'm fine. I'm safe and well.

me.

Listen very carefully. Two things. You cannot tell anyone you've heard from me.

You promise.

Things are going to get very busy for us.

Okay. Remember, not a soul.

Bye.

This is actually happening, Ricardo.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister, Richard Hardline Hardy.

Here.

A couple from Northumberland have claimed they own the house in which

Hardy is being held captive. Our reporter spoke with the retired couple

currently holidaying in Portugal.

And the hostage video came on.

And I said to Cynthia, since you know that looks just like our living room,

doesn't it?

And she knew right away that it was our house.

Didn't she, dear?

Oh, I did.

Straight away.

We've not rented it out before.

Hey.

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Bad news is we don't have an excuse to be together anymore.

What are you talking about?

I've transferred the money.

What?

Yeah. 200 ,000. Just got off the phone to my accountant who's putting it into

Brian's Bitcoin account as we speak.

Oh, my God, are you serious? It's done? Yeah.

Oh, my God, thank you.

Thank you so much.

So do I get to see you again?

Dick. Come on, what happened with... Amazing.

A mistake.

Come on, you're not really going to go off with him, are you?

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.

He's so not you.

You want a man who's not afraid to get what he wants.

Yeah, you're starting to sound a little bit rapey now, Richard.

That's not fair.

What exactly do you think would happen between me and you?

We barely know each other.

We're the same, you and I.

Fucking hope not.

We won't settle for mediocre.

You've got the eye of the tiger.

Killer instinct.

Just like I do.

Oh, my God. Come on, you sexy, impulsive,

working class from up north.

That could be really good for me.

Listen, you fucking mentalist. Yeah?

We are going to tidy up.

And then we're going to leave.

And then we're never going to see each other or speak to each other again.

You understand me.

Great news.

We got the money.

Are you listening?

Yeah, we got the money.

Yeah.

200k. You transferred it into your account.

We fucking did it, baby!

We fucking did it!

Aren't you happy?

I just... Look, okay.

Google flights to France and then we need to get the fuck out of here, okay?

So, you guys.

Riding off into the sunset, huh?

Come on! Come on, chop -chop. We need to get the fuck out of here.

I'm just a bit sad it's all over, really.

I know that sounds crazy.

Fucking hell.

Boo -boo, if you check the kitchen.

Brian, come on.

This whole thing has kind of given me a new understanding of life.

Okay, we're going to drop you off somewhere no one can see us and then

going to call the police and we're going to tell them where you are.

Clearly it wasn't right between Lindsay and I. She didn't give me what I needed

or what I deserved.

Good, you've got the gun. Give it here.

Er, to Brian.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is there something you want to tell me, Maggie?

What's gotten into you?

Booboo, please. Don't booboo me!

You don't get to booboo me anymore!

Look, it's not what you think.

Stop, no, you and Hardy, fucking... Where the fuck do you think you're

Right.

You, sit down.

What do you mean?

Sit down!

You, on this chair, now.

I'm down.

Sit down and fucking tell me what to do.

Right, so hard.

I used to think maybe

I was delusional for thinking that you love me.

But now I realize you're the delusional one for staying with me all this time.

Because you never loved me, did you?

You liar! You liar! You fucking liar!

Have you some sort of breakdown, Brian?

You're lying to yourself, Maggie.

You're lying to yourself.

Because I'm not your type.

I'm nice.

Remember? I'm nice. I'm so fucking nice.

And we all know that you don't like nice. You like bad boy. You like

and danger.

And success and fame.

If that's what madam wants, then that's what madam gets.

Baby, baby, what are you doing?

What, sure you don't mind?

Sex tips good for the old acting career, isn't it?

I mean, yeah, it can be, but... But not so useful for politicians, eh, Dickie?

No, no, no, please don't do that.

Baby, please, please, if that goes online, people are going to know that I

involved in this.

Yeah, shame that.

Oh, one more thing, Dick.

Fucking my girlfriend.

My dick.

Baby, please.

Please. Please listen to me. You don't know what you're doing. I know exactly

what I'm doing.

I'm leaving you.

Bye, Molly.

Please. Please. I love you.

It's just me.

Good afternoon, everyone.

Sitting in nicely, really. I just want to thank you all for your support.

I'm sure it's no surprise to you that I'm in there, eventually.

It's a long time coming, but...

Here we are.

And, uh... Back.

Better.

Folder.