All language subtitles for cineal_ready

Mundësuar & Titruar nga Cineal

Official movies site:Cineal

Terrific!

So I put my finger here, and check this...

the watch tells me I have a heart problem.

Wouldn't a mirror tell you the same thing?

Yeah, but this has weather, too.

Okay.

We got an hour until we're meeting the
ladies for dinner.

- Yeah. - You wanna catch a beer?

I can't. I gotta run a few errands.

What? You don't want a beer? What's wrong?

I...

got the results back from the detective
exam.

You failed again? This is why I never took
that test.

All the anxiety and disappointment.

At some point, you have to realize you
have hit your ceiling

and just give up.

You know, you should go around and speak
at schools.

- That was very inspiring. - I should.
Kids need to hear this shit.

I don't get it, man.

I know all the answers, I just freeze
under pressure.

You know, I can't take the exam for, like,
three more months,

so I gotta continue lying to Audrey.

So when we're at dinner tonight, please,

- tell your wi... - Ah! No.

Come on, man. You know I'll lie for you
anytime.

I will cover up dead bodies for you.

But if I ask Holly to lie to your wife,
there's no way we're messing around.

It's Freaky Friday!

You don't have to lie, just tell her to
ignore when I'm lying.

That's it.

- Okay, fine. - Thank you.

You owe me.

See you tonight.

I gotta get Claritin. Claritin.

Oh, my God! Look!

He took her in a helicopter?

My husband won't even pay for Uber Black.

Yeah. I don't even... I can't even
remember the last time

that Nick did anything even remotely
romantic.

I mean, he used to leave me, like, cute
little mixtapes,

little love notes in the bathroom.

Love notes are dead.

When my husband wants to have sex,

he just texts me the eggplant and doughnut
emoji.

Eggplant and doughnut...

Oh. He's the eggplant.

More like a fingerling potato.

It doesn't take that much.

There are guys at the intersection selling
flowers.

You just roll down the window, grab a
bunch, bring 'em home.

- I mean, they couldn't make it any
easier. - No kidding.

I mean, tomorrow is our 15th wedding
anniversary.

I'm still waiting on that trip to Europe
he promised me on our wedding day.

- That's been 15 years? - Yeah.

I could have walked to Europe by now.

You know, you just have to tell him.

I just don't want to have to tell him. I
just want him to know.

- No, they never just know. - I know.

- That doesn't happen. - You have to tell
men everything.

If you want the dishes to not go in the
sink, you have to tell them.

If you want him to shower before he comes
to bed,

- you have to ask him. - Ugh.

That's why they have those signs in
bathrooms at restaurants

to tell employees to wash their hands.

Those aren't for women, guys. Those are
for men.

Or maybe you could just text him,
airplane, wine glass,

Italian flag, eggplant, doughnut,
doughnut, doughnut.

Let's go with the 50.

Claritin...

Hi, welcome.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Are you gonna tell 'em about the stuff in
your backpack?

Mind your own business, man. I'm paying
for this.

I like your sneakers. They must be
expensive.

Is that why can't afford the Monster
Energy Drink

or the Flamin' Hot Cheetos?

- Hang on. Hang on. - Hey, let go of me,
man.

I can't believe I was right.

Keep your mouth shut. I'll mess you up,
old man.

Old man. Oh, my God.

First of all,

I should throw you in jail just for
calling me "old man,"

but you bring that stuff back,

I'll let you go 'cause I'm late for dinner
and I'm hungry as shit.

Go ahead.

- Tylenol PM? Am I right? - No.

It's not good for that. It depends on what
time of year you go.

That makes sense. Can I get another?

We're gonna have another one?

I'm just saying, we're paying today. Maybe
you can take it easy a little bit.

Hey, hey. Nick. Nick. What... What's wrong
with you?

Sorry. Should I not order another drink,
Detective?

No. Holly, order another drink.

Order as much as you want. I was joking
around.

- That's not funny. - The reason...

I'm just in a great mood because I had a
great day today.

- Did we have a great day or what? - It
was a fabulous day. Incredible day.

Really? Did you get another hot case?

Of what?

"What."

That was good. No, listen.

Going great, kid. I promise you.

It's like, uh, they're trusting me more
and more,

and I, um, I wish I could tell you what it
was,

but it's... it's confidential.

- Wait a second. - What?

Oh, my God.

- What is this? - What is that?

My baby Jimmy got it for me for my
birthday.

- Jimmy! - What?

- Celebration diamonds. - Oh, my gosh.

- It's gorgeous! - Thank you, Audrey.

- Very expensive. - Wow, Jimmy.

I got you something special. I promise,
you're gonna be very happy.

- Really? - I can't wait.

See, I would've pegged you, Nick, as an
Amazon gift card kinda guy,

but... I'm no detective.

Hey! You know what, guys?

Let's toast to my friends, Nick and
Audrey.

Fifteen wonderful years.

Absolutely.

- Fifteen. - Here's to true love, guys.

Fifteen.

- True love. - Yeah.

Dinner was insane, but that's expected.

But I'll tell you what,

I want to record Holly chewing her ice
cubes,

use it as my alarm in the morning.
That's...

Guarantee me of wanting to wake up and
leave.

What's the matter? You didn't like that
joke?

I'm flossing.

I can see that.

You're doing it extra hard tonight.

And I'm not sleeping with the fan on
tonight. I hate that sound.

No fan necessary. We'll crank the AC,
babe.

Uh-oh. What, what, what?

You're gonna yell at me? I can see this.
Hang on.

Why don't you do some more angry flossing?

How come we haven't gone to Europe, Nick?

You have to explain this to me.

We never go anywhere.

We travel. I took you to the Poconos that
time.

What? The Poco... That was...

That was for a funeral, Nick.

How about, uh, when we went to Virginia

when my uncle was in a hospice and we got
to see him die?

- We did that. - Ugh, Nick. Come on.

I'm talking about the postcard.

- You don't remember that? - I remember
it. Of course I remember it.

It's been 15 years, Nick. I don't know
what we're waitin' for.

Now you've gone and done it, Audrey.

What? What'd I do?

I told you I had something big for you at
dinner,

and you couldn't wait till tomorrow
morning?

No.

We're finally going to Europe. Happy
anniversary.

Oh, my God. I have chills.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I'm so...

- I ruined your surprise! - Shh. You
didn't ruin anything.

You're the greatest. You deserve it. I
love you.

- I love you! - It's still a surprise. I
swear.

- We can afford it, right? This is all...
- We can afford it, of course.

- Okay. - I'm getting my raise this year.

- Right. - We're all set. Come on.

- Hello. Hi. - Hello.

So, uh, we are on our honeymoon,

and I was wondering if we could possibly
get an upgrade

because I have miles. Maybe...

I don't even know if it's from this
airline, but do they expire, or...

Sir, you would have needed to request that
in advance.

- Yeah. - Right this way, please.

- Thank you. I'm so sorry. - We did try
advance. I tried calling.

- And, um, nobody... - Who'd you call?

- Crazy busy signals. - Really?

- It's the busy signals! - Who did you try
to call?

I don't want to give it away. It was the
butler.

The butler did it.

It's never the butler who did it.

I don't even think there are butlers.

That's just a word created for those goofy
books you're addicted to.

Would you just please, please shh?

Leave my books alone, okay? Just let me
read.

I just like... Makes me happy.

Are you okay? You're cranky. Are you
bored?

- I'm gonna go to sleep. - Take a nap.

- Are you okay with that? - Wait, don't...

But just, please, don't... don't lay all
the way back.

- Don't take it back? - No.

Why? You don't want my double chin to
show?

It's not your chins, okay. It's just rude.

Yes.

- Okay. 'Cause you splay out. - All right.

And then your seat is in, like, the lap of
the guy behind you.

- So just be considerate of everybody. -
I'll stay up. Thank you.

Timber.

Oh, excuse me.

- Hi. - Hello. Hi.

Could I please have some earplugs?

Yes.

For nine dollars.

Nine dollars? For earplugs?

Yes.

That's okay. I'll just...

I'll just use my peanuts.

I'll just...

Wow.

Oh...

Mm.

A fellow insomniac, I see.

Jesus.

Yes. I...

Yep. I know, right?

I just cannot sleep on these things.

So what brings you across the pond?

Actually, it's my... it's my honeymoon.

Oh. Congratulations.

- Thank you. - Where's your husband?

Dead.

Asleep. He's dead... dead asleep.

We've actually been married for 15 years,

but we just have been very, very, very,
very busy.

Then a toast to the whirlwind that is your
life.

Yes.

- Sorry, ma'am. - Oh, yes!

The bar is for first class passengers
only.

Of course. Of course it is. I'm so sorry,
yes.

I will head back to the lower class cabin

and sit where I should and, uh...

shovel some coal.

She's my guest.

Unfortunately, sir, she'd need her own
first class ticket.

Charles Cavendish.

I'm so sorry, sir.

Whoa!

Charles Cavendish?

Is that your real name?

I'm afraid so.

I mean, that sounds like it just fell
right out of a...

mystery novel.

And which character would I be?

Name like that, you'd have to be the bad
guy.

Well...

here's to the bad guys.

- Okay, so your fiancée... - Hm.

Leaves you...

...for your elderly uncle...

Will you two kindly shut up?

Oh, be quiet.

Or we shall tell everyone about the ferret
you've smuggled in here.

The whole thing is tawdry, I know.

- Tawdry. - He desired my betrothed,

and Uncle Malcolm always gets what he
wants.

Malcolm. Uncle Malcolm.

- Quince. - Uncle...

Malcolm Quince is your uncle? That
billionaire?

- That's the one. - Oh, my gosh.

He looks just like this...

if this wrinkled olive had $70 billion.

Seventy billion dollars.

I'm traveling to Monaco with the newlyweds
on his yacht

for the Grand Prix this weekend.

Why? Why would you do that?

Why would you go on their yacht after what
they just did?

Because I'm English, Mrs. Spitz.

- I'm a glutton for social masochism. -
Oh.

And I plan on getting blind drunk and
ruining the festivities.

Okay. I support that.

- I say, Audrey... - Hm.

Do you and your husband have plans this
weekend?

You made a joke. That's...

Holy shit! This plane has a bar?

Sir, this is the first class lounge.

I'm gonna have to ask you to return to
your seat.

There's bars on planes now?

Planes have bars now. In first class.

This is... Man, I wish my mother was still
alive to see this.

She was an alcoholic, but a nice one.

Sir, if you don't return to your seat, I'm
gonna have to call...

The cops.

So that's my wife

talking to that handsome guy over there
with the one chin.

So I'm gonna go break that shit up,
possibly grab myself a beer,

maybe you a Xanax.

The wine on board is worth a letter.

People don't write letters anymore, do
they?

- Such a pity. - It's just, it's all so
tactical.

Yeah, that's true.

Hey!

Nick.

- How are you? - Hi, honey. You're awake.

- Was your nappie good? - Been awake.

- I was looking for you. - I know, I'm...

- Well, I met this lovely gentleman. - Oh,
yeah?

I'd like you to meet Charles Cavendish.

- He's a lord. Right? - How do you do?

- A lord? - Well, actually a viscount.

- Oh. - Although viscounts are addressed
as Lord,

which probably accounts for the lovely
Audrey's confusion.

There you go. She gets confused with me
too.

Sometimes I'm the king. Sometimes I'm
Daddy.

So... can I get a Labatts, brother?

That'll be 17 euro.

No, no, no. Please.

The beer is on me.

I'm not just taking a beer from somebody I
don't know.

Oh, my gosh.

And I do hope you take advantage of my
other offer.

Hey. I'm not just gonna stand here

while you offer to pay me to have sex with
my wife.

But out of curiosity, how much are we
talking?

- Great. - I wouldn't do it.

- Hey, listen to me. - What?

He is inviting us to spend the weekend
with him on a yacht with his family.

Well, we have plans.

On a bus.

A bus that is bound for the idyllic
village of San Grigio,

where we can watch a demonstration on how
they age ham.

- Let me explain something. - Tell me what
I'm missing.

- Are you kidding me? - Go.

We would be sailing around European
harbors.

- Yeah. - Okay? We'd be eating fresh fish.

- Right. - And we'd be drinking wine.

- Hmm. - We'd be together.

That's nice.

- They have a chef. - They have a chef.

His name is Maurice. Maurice?

- Maurice, yes. - Maurice.

"Some people call me Maurice."

Remember that one?

- Can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.

I gotcha.

So listen...

What are you doing?

Why would two adults come into a bathroom
on an airplane?

Honey, come on. To have a private
conversation.

Ah, that's funny.

Listen. I'm just trying to understand

why you are turning down the opportunity
of a lifetime.

Because I don't trust that guy.

- Why? - 'Cause instincts.

Your instincts?

The same ones that told you you were about
to get laid in here?

I'm not getting laid?

Come on! When is the next time you and I
are gonna be able to get on a yacht?

I'm just saying, all those times we're
eating ham sandwiches

and you're always asking, "How do they age
the ham?"

- Never had that... - We'll never ask that
question again

- because we'll be in San Grigio. - That
never happened.

They'll give us the reason on how they do
it so perfectly.

Okay. You wanna know the truth?

- You're breaking my heart. - Why?

I feel like a schmuck

because I've been working my ass off and
saving money, and now you know why.

It was to take us on this trip. And I know
I'm not a duke.

I understand. He's a viscount, but...

- I don't even know what that is. - I
know. It's okay.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

- I got lost. I got swept up in it. - I
know.

But it's okay. We're gonna do the bus.
It's gonna be great.

We'll do the bus. You're gonna love the
bus!

Hey! Hey, Gonzales. Where is our welcome
glass of champagne?

- We were promised... - Summer hit me!

a glass of champagne when we arrived...

Zip it! Both of you! Will you stop that?

I know you hear me!

Shut up!

Let's do the... We'll do the yacht, okay?

- Thank you. - All right.

Cavendish!

We've changed our minds. We're gonna come.

Splendid.

- Hello. - Bienvenidos.

Thank you.

- Thank you. - De nada.

- This is amazing. - Señor.

I thought it was gonna be bigger.

- What? - I did.

- Bigger than this? - I really did.

I bet that's Cavendish's ex-fiancée

who left him for his uncle.

Oh, okay. I'm starving. Where's that
Maurice dude?

Uh, I don't think we're supposed to talk
to him directly.

- Let's wait for dinner. - Which is when?

I don't... Honey, it's later. I don't
know. It's Europe, okay?

The bus observes a standard American
dinnertime, so...

Oh, baby, this is like a painting.

- No, it's nice... - It just doesn't look
real.

- It's... - Oh, my God!

Wow. Look. She's so pretty.

- Very pretty. - She's that kind of pretty

that you don't really know what country
she's from.

I mean, I can't tell. Can you tell?

Japan.

Ah, yes, yes. You see? See? She can hear
you.

She's not a... not on television right
now.

- You're watching a real person. - Shh.

Crashing the party with civilians.

Are you drunk?

It's only noon, Suzi, darling.

Of course I'm drunk.

So, where is your beloved,

Sir Liver Spots?

Malcolm is not here yet.

You know how he likes to make an entrance.

You'd know more about Malcolm's entrances
than anyone at this point.

- Great to meet you. You're terrific. -
Nice to meet you. Pleasure.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

- Actually, I started to like you. - She
deserved that.

- Very good. You came on strong. - She is
not nice. You're hurt.

Charles.

So glad you could make it.

And you brought guests.

Allow me to introduce my cousin, Tobey.

Malcolm's only son and the man Suzi would
have left me for,

had he not been a screaming queen.

- Okay. - Thank you for having us aboard,
sir.

Yeah. Hey, really nice.

It's my father's boat.

Oh, well, her father, uh, let me use his
lawnmower one time,

- so I know how that goes. - Yeah.

How do you know Charles?

Oh. We go back to six hours ago?

- Yes. - We met on an airplane.

He was very nice to include us.

We have a spare cabin for them, I assume.

Well, seeing as you have so much history,
I'm sure we can find some room.

Thank you. Thanks for the warm welcome.
Appreciate it. After you.

- Up here? This keeps going up? - Really
nice of you. So we go this way?

- Wow. - There's another deck, hun.
Another deck!

"Sex-crazed oldster Malcolm Quince

wed 23-year-old ski instructor Suzi
Nakamura this week."

- Mm-hmm. - "Why would the Tokyo-born tart

trade downhills for dentures?

"Perhaps the $70 billion his son, Tobey,
was set to inherit."

- Wow. - Oh, my God, baby.

We are literally right in the middle of a
TMZ story.

You were right about this yacht. Their
shaving cream smells like coconuts.

- It's incredible. - Sorry.

You're allergic to rich people now?

No. Stop it! I'm allergic to stuff. Would
you please grab me the Claritin?

Yes. Here.

Baby, that's Allegra. You said you packed
Claritin.

That's the same thing.

No, honey. Allegra doesn't work for me.

Oh.

Okay. When we get to Monaco, I'll get you
your Claritin.

It's not... It's gonna be called something
else over there,

I'm telling you. Just remember, we... The
blue box.

You know, "Allegra" in, uh, French means
the same shit as Claritin.

- Smile. - Yes.

You need to stop drinking. You're a drunk.

Look at him.

Why is he torturing himself like that? I
mean, she's already married to Malcolm.

I don't know what else he's expecting her
to say to him.

She's saying he's a cad...

And he's saying she's a tramp,

and they're both right.

How do I know you? You're...

You're an actress, right?

All women are actresses, dear.

I'm just clever enough to get paid for it.

Grace Ballard.

Oh!

My God!

That's... This is incr... I'm a massive
fan of yours!

- Like, number one! - Oh.

- This isn't... - I know. It's incredible.

I am Nick Spitz. This is my wife, Allison.

- I can't believe... - Aud... Audrey. I'm
Audrey.

- I said Audrey! - No, you didn't.

Allison is the character she played in
the...

Remember the one? We watched it together.

Where it's a beautiful lady, it turns out
she's a robot?

- And there's the bra... - She's the
robot!

- There's guns coming out of your bra. -
Yes!

Sex Machina. My breakout role.

So good. Look at this, right in front of
us!

I feel like I got kicked in the belly
right now!

- Okay. Hey, hey, hey. - I lost my wind!

Let's go put on some sunscreen 'cause
it's...

You already put the sunscreen on me
earlier.

No, we're gonna... we're gonna reapply the
sunscreen.

- We're putting more on? - We're gonna
reapply.

All right. We'll put more on.

- So nice to meet you. - I can't
believe... This is great!

- He's so excited. - We're on the same
ship!

Look at that. It says that her last name
isn't even really Ballard.

Well, so what?

How do you just come out looking that
beautiful?

- Oh, she's had it all done. - What?

Lips, nose, chin.

No!

People really get their chins done?

- Mm-hmm. - Huh!

That was so directed at me, it was
disgusting.

You want me to get my chin done. And I'm
not...

I love you for who you are. Although it's
an option.

Would you guys excuse me for a moment?

- I should say hello to the Maharajah. -
Absolutely.

- Everyone's saying it. - Do you believe
we're on a boat

where the guy said, "I'm gonna go have a
conversation with the Maharajah?"

- That was big. - Is this real?

Excuse me, ma'am?

Is there a Maurice here? 'Cause I'm hungry
as hell.

Yes, sir. He's preparing.

He's preparing. Okay. Is he ever gonna
finish?

Please tell Maurice to step on the gas.

- Oh, honey, honey, honey. - Mm-hmm?

Okay, um, don't look right now, but
there's a really scary man

- with an eye patch... - Mm-hmm?

Who's just staring right at us.

I said don't look and you can't not do it.

You say eye patch and scary, I'm gonna
look.

I'm sorry. It's physically impossible not
to.

All right. Okay. He's walking at us.

- Honey, honey. - Play it cool.

- Hey, fellas. What's up? How are ya? -
Hey. Hi.

- Who let you two on board? - Excuse me?

What is happening right now?

They're my guests, Colonel.

- This weekend is for family only. -
Really?

The last time I checked, you're not
family.

Neither is Soviet Chewbacca over there.

Nick, Audrey.

- Yeah, you're not family for sure. -
Okay.

Jesus. So I see one of them was packing
heat.

- Was I supposed to bring a gun? - Oh, I
doubt it's even loaded.

That's Colonel Charles Ulenga of the
Namibian Defense Force.

Malcolm's best friend.

He saved his life from a bombing attempt
in '94.

That's where he lost his eye and his...

And his dick? Did he lose his dick?

- Honey, why? - I thought that maybe it
was his dick.

And that's Sergei Radjenko, former
Spetsnaz, and his bodyguard.

Crazy eye patch guy needs a bodyguard?

Whoa! The hand!

There's a hand. It's not on his body
anymore.

Oh, look at this. Now he's smoking his
dick!

- He's smoking his dick! - No. Oh, God.
Would you stop it?

I'm just having fun. It's a boat.

Can I ask you a question?

What exactly... is a maharajah?

Why don't you ask him yourself?

No.

Vik, I have some guests I'd like you to
meet.

Nick and Audrey Spitz,

I present the exalted Maharajah Vikram
Shivan Govindan of Mumbai.

- Oh, my gosh. It's so... - Hey.

So nice to...

- Nice... - We're...

Yo-ho-ho! That was very hilarious. Ah!

With all the bowin' and shit.

You know, when a brown person bows, white
people bow back, innit?

- Up high. How about... - I'm sorry.

He's giving you... Respect!

- That was very good. Very funny. - That
was a joke.

Audrey has a question she'd like to ask
you.

Let me hear it.

Oh. We were actually wondering, what
exactly is a maharajah?

How do you... Do you have to go to a
school for that?

Yeah, I was born into the game.

- Oh, you're born into it. - Okay, born
into it.

What do you do, Nick?

- I am... - Nick's a detective.

Tight! You ever wet up anyone?

- What's that? - Yeah, you know, like
drill,

bust a cap, waste. You're like...

- He's funny. No, never shot anybody. -
No! God!

Which is a good thing.

Nick is... Well, it's just that you're a
terrible shot.

He's a terrible shot.

He barely got out of the academy

because he couldn't even meet, like, his
minimum marksmanship skills.

Audrey is lactose intolerant.

- She also burps in her sleep. - What?

I just thought 'cause we are discussing
each other's flaws right now,

you wanted to put it on the table.

I'm sorry I... Listen, I didn't think that
was a sensitive subject...

It's not a sensitive subject, I just don't
like you telling

- everybody we meet. - I'm sorry I brought
it up. Never mind.

- Whoa. - Oh, my gosh. Look at this.

- Look at this crazy. - Wow. Babe.

Well, this room is as nice as the way you
look.

- You look stunning. - Thank you, honey.
That's so sweet.

What?

Everybody's in tuxedos.

- I wish you'd let me pack. - I shoulda
wore socks. You're right.

- Yo! Juan Carlos! - Hey!

- Oh, good luck, man. - Hey.

Hi. Hi, there. What are we wishing you
good luck for?

Well, he is racing in the Monaco Grand
Prix tomorrow.

Wow. That's big.

Juan Carlos Rivera, let me introduce you
to...

Steve and Lady Steve.

- What? - No.

- No, no. - I mean, if you want.

- Just met us once. - Yeah, all right. I'm
gonna...

- I'm Audrey. - go again.

I'm Nick, and then we're the Spitzes.

Juan Carlos, huh?

Hey, Juan Carlos.

So you're a race car driver.

Good, yes.

Wow. How do you get into something like
that?

Uh, number one, yes.

You don't speak English, do you?

Uh, very fast. Very fast.

- Huh? Welcome. - Okay.

What's that?

That is the Quince dagger.

Chinese steel, jewels from across the
Orient.

A gift to the family from Marco Polo,

or so the legend says.

God.

Nick's grandmother gave us a toaster from
Sears.

So the legend says.

Oh, look.

Here comes Daddy.

What's that?

Captain Wong,

I'd like to address my guests privately.

Certainly.

My friends,

welcome to the Mediterranean Queen.

I can't tell you how much it warms my
heart

that you have made this trip here

to celebrate my nuptials.

You will find, as you get older,

that you begin to take stock of life.

Not just where you've succeeded,

but where you've failed.

Who...

you've failed.

Suzi,

my darling bride,

who has so much of her life ahead of her.

Grace, who shines so brightly on the
silver screen.

Juan Carlos, my godson,

who strives to lead my race team to
victory.

You...

Who are you?

- Oh. Hey. We're the Spitzes. - We're
the...

The who?

Uh, I'm Audrey, and Nick Spitz.

- Great. - We love the boat.

- A boat? I mean, this is a ship. - It's
beyond.

- Never seen anything like this. - Eric
Lamonsoff has a boat.

We go fishing. He's got a Boston Whaler.

This is gigantic.

They're my guests, Uncle.

You brought guests?

Well, you did take my plus-one.

I'm so sorry. Would you like us to leave?

We could... I don't know how we're getting
out of here, though.

We're... We're out to sea. Is there an
Uber for boats?

- Out... Out of the room, Nick. - Out of
the room?

We can go out of the room, absolutely...

No.

That won't be necessary.

- Okay. So we'll stick around. - So we
stay. Okay.

My nephew, Charles,

who always finds a way to keep me on my
toes.

My friend, the Colonel, who's kept me safe
these many years.

Vikram, whose family fortunes have always
been intertwined with my own.

And my Tobias.

All I ever wanted was a son,

and here you are.

My boy.

I've spoken to all of you about your
position in my will.

I have thought long and hard about what
each of you is truly worth,

and I've come to this conclusion.

You are all leeches.

Repugnant.

Blood fat.

Suckling on the tit of my good work for so
many years.

You repulse me.

Can't get this on a bus, baby.

- This is incredible. - I know it.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Which is why I have drafted a new will.

It states that my entire fortune

goes to Suzi.

From this moment forth,

you are all cut off.

Abandoned.

And perhaps, after I've done you this
kindness,

you will finally be able to make something
of yourselves...

on your own.

Apparently, she's had enough of my caviar.

- That was funny. - Shh.

Darling.

You could've signed this at home.

Instead, you called us here to humiliate
us?

Yes, and you came running.

Father, don't do this.

Or what?

Yes.

That's what I thought.

Don't shoot me! Don't shoot me, please!

Daddy!

You shot him!

No!

I saw someone stab him.

- Who? - I don't know.

What happened? I heard a scr...

Malcolm!

Oh, God!

Has anybody tried to revive him?

He's got a knife plunged in his heart. I
don't think he's revivable.

Should we pull it out?

No. It's a foot-long knife. It's just like
pulling...

Oh, God!

Wow! You should have left the knife in for
the po-po, Colonel, man!

- I'll put it back. - Don't put it back.

Oh! Will you listen to my husband? He's a
detective.

Yes, yes. What should we do, Mr. Officer?

Well, for starters, let's stop removing
and reinserting the murder weapon

into the victim's chest.

In fact, let's stop touching the body
altogether.

He was gonna take it all away.

For you.

Yo...

Did he sign it?

No.

Yes!

We should make sure he doesn't have
another copy on him.

Uh... Mm-mm.

Rifling through the pockets of the corpse
counts as touching, yup.

Sorry to single you out like that, Ms.
Ballard. You're wonderful.

- You look extravagant tonight. - Okay.
What's next?

We have to preserve the crime scene.

Captain Wong, is there any way you can
lock off this place?

Yes, of course.

So we should then start questioning the
suspects.

Suspects?

We're not questioning anybody.

Wong, when you finish locking up here, you
bring me the key.

Then you radio Interpol, tell 'em we'll
meet 'em at the docks in Monaco.

In the meantime, I'm gonna check the
shrimp out a little closer.

For the investigation?

No, Wong, because I'm hungry as shit.

The rest of you, I'd lock yourselves in
your chambers or your yacht rooms

because one of us...

is a murderer.

- Audrey. - Yeah?

Get the cocktail sauce.

Yep.

Wait a second. What on earth is on these?

I don't know. This Maurice guy must
breastfeed each shrimp individually.

I mean, they live so well.

- Oh, God, yeah. - God.

All right. Where were we? Okay, okay,
okay.

You know what? There had to be two people
in on the killing.

Because how could they know when the
lights were gonna go out?

- That's smart, that's smart. - Right?

I'm tired as hell right now. I'm gonna go
to sleep.

- Are you kidding me? - What?

You're not jet-lagged?

Nick.

- Honey, come on, seriously. - Huh?

Who do you think did it?

I don't think. I know.

Who?

It was the son.

- Tobey. - No.

No way. Not a chance. It's too obvious.

The most obvious suspect is never, never
the killer.

The most obvious suspect is always the
killer.

When a wife gets killed, 90% of the time
it was the husband.

Why did you just use that as an example?

And I disagree.

I think people are more complicated than
that.

Judging off of what? Those books that you
read?

People are simple, okay?

It was Tobey.

He had the most to gain, and he also had
the most to lose.

Which is exactly why he's not the killer.

Did you ever fool around on a boat?

Do you know how much fun that could be?

I just lay here and the boat does all the
work.

- That's so convenient for you. - You know
I have a bad back.

So convenient for you.

What about the lights?

Yeah, leave 'em on. I don't care. Either
way. Lady's choice.

Shh! No. Who turned out those lights?

What?! Oh!

Don't look at me like that. I can feel it.

- I'm sorry. Excuse me. - Will you take
the Allegra?

It's the same stuff.

- I don't want to talk about it. - Oh,
God.

Enter the brilliant yet tortured
detective,

right on cue.

Mesdames, messieurs.

My name is Inspector Laurent Delacroix.

I will now summon you one by one to the
grand lounge for questioning.

Why is that smoke ring so good? How did he
do that?

Oh, you broke it. You broke it.

Tell me about Malcolm Quince.

He was the most wonderful...

Swine.

He was the love of my life.

He was a complicated man.

Describe to me what happened.

Yo, Mr. French Policeman, man. It was mad.
Lights went out.

I thought I saw something move, and I
shot.

Yes.

Finish line.

The old man got what was coming to him.

One-eight-seven, motherfu...

Did anyone touch the body?

No.

And did you notice anything else out of
the ordinary?

- The Americans. - Yes, number one. Yes.

Aren't you gonna, um...

Aren't you gonna separate us?

Pardon?

- For the interrogation. - Okay.

Question us separately, see if our...

- What are you doing? - answers match.

What? I'm just saying, our answers will
match

- because we're innocent. - Yeah, that's
right.

There we go.

God, you are really good at that.

We found this in Tobey Quince's suite.

A typewritten suicide note

in which he confesses to the murder of his
father.

Typewritten?

- Mm-mm. - That's not very common.

- Very suspicious. - Yes.

Yeah, obviously someone is trying to frame
Tobey for his father's murder.

- This is amazing. - Look how excited she
is.

So where's your head at with this whole
thing?

I mean, who are your chief suspects?

You.

- Woo, yes. - Right, of course,

- 'cause everybody is a suspect. -
Especially her.

This is a group of friends and family who
have known each other for years.

You two show up, and ten hours later, two
of them are dead.

Coincidence?

- Yes. - Absolutely.

- Coincidence. - Wait. Excuse me.

Are you saying that your theory

is that the two of us conned our way onto
a stranger's boat at the last minute

to commit premeditated murder that
benefits us in no way?

That's your theory?

Perhaps someone paid you to do it.

- No. - Paid us to do it?

Oh, my gosh. I would love to see that.
Show me that money.

Do you want to see our bank statements?

We're broke.

Desperate for money. I see.

Now you gave him a motive.

- No, no, no. I know. Just don't... - We
did this because...

- take my words out of context. - We got
nothing.

- That's all we got, is nothing. - No.

Listen, I am talking to you, detective to
detective.

We didn't do this.

- You can see in my eyes. You can tell. -
Mm-mm.

Perhaps I will have that word with you
independently.

I di... Hey!

I can get up.

Hey, okay.

I'll be out in a minute.

I love you.

I'm sorry. She's just excited because
it's...

She reads books, and this is fun for her.

You wish me to believe you're innocent.

Unfortunately, I do not believe liars.

But I'm telling you the truth.

And how long have you been lying to your
wife?

Excuse me?

You did not think that we would
investigate your background,

Sergeant Nicholas Spitz, NYPD?

Failed his detective's exam three times.

You are, how you do say,

cop on the beat,

not detective as you so claim.

So I...

tell people I'm a detective.

There's...

That's not a crime.

Impersonating a detective is a
crime.

I didn't think it was a crime here.

I thought maybe you guys had different
rules.

That doesn't make us murderers.

A broke, failed man, lying to his wife? I
think it does.

You don't have any evidence. You can't
hold us.

No, but I can hold these.

I believe Mr. Cavendish has provided
accommodations for you

at the Hotel de Savoie, so you won't be on
the street.

But mark my words, Officer Spitz,

I will not rest until I prove that you
committed these murders.

And I...

will rest, because I'm tired as shit, at
that hotel you just said.

It sounds like a good one.

But after I'm well-rested and I eat
breakfast...

hopefully the guy cooks as good as
Maurice...

I will not rest until I prove to you

we have nothing to do with these murders.

Juan Carlos!

Juan Carlos!

Charles said that everyone's gonna be at
this race,

so whoever did this is gonna be there.

We have to figure out who it is.

I know we've gotta figure it out. This
isn't one of your books, sweetheart.

I mean, it's like one of your books, but
this is real.

Like, two people are dead, for real.

- I know. - There's a real killer on the
real loose.

Hey, babe. Relax.

What's... What's wrong with you?

For real? Come on. Will you just focus...

- Fine. - on this with me?

Um, yes. Uh...

Okay. So there are three basic motives for
every murder.

Yes. The first one is money.

Right.

Everyone was in Quince's will, except
Suzi.

- Okay. - All right. The second one is
love.

We know nobody loved that guy 'cause he
was kind of a prick.

Suzi might have loved him.

- That's what you would think... - Okay,
what's the third one?

- Revenge. - Right.

That's the one we should be thinking
about.

I'm telling you, if we figure out who
hates this guy the most,

that's our killer.

Okay. Okay.

So, this beard... It's incredible.

Do you oil that or condition?

You won't get anything out of him.

Oh, my gosh.

Most of his life, he's been serving men
like me and Malcolm,

despite being an heir to millions.

He's rich, too?

He's supposed to be, but he's one of 16
children,

and he's half French.

Are you familiar with French inheritance
law?

Broad strokes.

That Colonel guy, he's getting on my
nerves.

- Yeah. - Shit. Walking around

- saying you killed both those guys. -
Huh?

- Yeah. - What?

And I'm like, come on.

- My man wouldn't do... - Yo. Look, yo. I
didn't do nothing, son.

- It doesn't matter what the will says. -
Uh-huh.

The fortune must be divided equally among
the offspring.

Why do the French have such a law?

Well, they do it to keep all Frenchmen
from doing what Malcolm was trying to do,

and leaving everything to their
mistresses.

Oh.

- My theory is... - Yeah?

Juan Carlos done it, man.

What? Why would he do that?

Well, Juan Carlos's dad used to race for
Malcolm.

Malcolm tried to get slick on some safety
angle, and shit got overlooked.

- Yeah? - Okay.

Juan Carlos's dad lost both his legs, G.

Yeah, straight up.

- Oh. - Gone.

So it's payback time.

A hundred percent of a doubt.

Wh-What?

- Juan Carlos is your man. - Oh, yeah.

You guarantee that?

Guarantee.

Respect.

Or maybe Sergei could have done it.

- Yeah. - Okay. So you're not guaranteeing
it.

No, not a hundred percent. No.

Oh! Bless you.

Would you like some Allegra?

- I doubt that would be useful. - I know.

It doesn't work. I tried to tell that to
Nick.

Do you need something?

Uh, no. Mm-mm.

The guy that throws me off the most...
Cavendish...

to me, he seems like he's compensating for
something,

with the Great Gatsby look and the
jawline

and the "hey, I'm so gorgeous." Am I
right?

Mm-hmm.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with
Charles Cavendish.

- Isn't that the... - Except...

he probably murdered his uncle.

Well, that's one thing wrong.

comes to the checkered flag!

It's Juan Carlos!

Winner of this year's Monte
Carlo Grand Prix!

I find that Suzi Nakamura very
suspicious.

She's the only one who didn't
have a motive.

- It was Cavendish and you know it. - You
just... No, you just don't like him.

I don't like him. I don't. I hate his
guts, but that's not it.

- Did you just steal all of those? - He's
the sole blood heir.

He stands to make the biggest claim for
the fortune.

I want one of these.

- Malcolm stole his fiancée. - Okay.

That's all three motives.

Money, love, revenge.

We went past it. I don't know where we
are.

We're over here. Will you please try one
of these?

No! Oh, my God. You know what?

I think you just think it's Cavendish
'cause you're jealous of him.

- Oh, God. - Yeah.

- I'm jealous of him. - You are.

What? Why? What am I jealous of?

What is there to be jealous... He's rich.
He's charming.

He smells great.

What do you mean? What's he smell like?

He smells like he just came out of the
dryer.

What the... What the...

No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

We should test that for fingerprints
first.

Okay. Do you have the fingerprint testing
kit?

- What? - 'Cause I didn't pack mine.

Is it in your bag?

Stop it! Come on.

Hurry.

Oh, this is so crazy.

Oh, God. Seriously?

Oh, got it.

Will you please just go see a
chiropractor?

It's gonna be fine.

"Come to suite 802."

♪ Dum, dum, dum ♪

- We have to go to 802. - We're not going
to 802. Stop!

- Why? - It's a trap.

Why wouldn't whoever just knocked just
come in and talk to us?

Maybe he's being watched by the killer.

What if we're being watched by the killer?

What if he was in here?

Maybe he stole my Peanut M&Ms.

I stole your Peanut M&Ms.

You stole my Peanut M&Ms?

- I wanted to see if they tasted the same!
- You got to stop eating.

You're gonna gain it all back.

I'm going to 802. Are you coming with me?

Okay, wait. Let me just...

- What? - figure something out.

God damn.

- What are you doing? - It's a weapon.

That's a lamp.

Not when I crack someone over the head
with it.

Will you stop questioning everything I do.

Well, everything you do is questionable.

That's 808.

Hello?

Note sender?

You told us to come to 802. Are you there?

Are you dead?

He might be in the bathroom.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Sit on the bed.

You speak... I thought you didn't speak.

Shut up. Sit on the bed.

- I'm sitting! - Shut up. Sit down.

We're gonna sit in front of the bed. All
good.

I cannot keep his secrets anymore.

You mean the Colonel's, right?

The Colonel's secrets? I know, it's so
hard to keep secrets.

It really is. You know, I have a friend
named Gwen,

and she has a box that she keeps under her
bed...

Look, don't give me that hairdresser shit.

Just shut up. Listen.

Copenhagen, 1994.

We were leaving a state dinner.

I did not see the bomber,

but the Colonel did.

Whoa.

He threw his body across Mr. Quince.

He was hero.

For nine months, the Colonel lay in a
coma.

And when he awoke,

he find his eye is not the only thing he
lost.

They blew off his dick. I knew it. I knew
it.

- His hand. His hand, honey. - The dick.
He's saying the dick.

- No, no, no. - He doesn't have a hand!

- I'm no talk about dick! - All right.

I talk about her.

- Me? - Her?

No, no, no.

Madeleine...

LeBoutillier.

The most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

She was the Colonel's fiancée when the
bomb exploded.

And when he awoke...

she was Mr. Quince's wife.

What the hell is with this guy?

- What, honestly, is his problem? - Can he
get his own woman maybe once?

And then she died.

No!

In childbirth.

- No! - Damn.

The child died, too. A boy.

A boy who would have inherited it all.

After that, the Colonel never mentioned
Madeleine again,

except for one night.

On the anniversary of her death,

he came to me, he was drinking. He say...

"Sergei."

He's doing impressions now.

"If you were to kill this Mr. Quince,

how would you do it?"

And I say,

"Find isolated place,"

create confusion,

"make sure there are others with motive."

I told him how to kill the man!

- Holy shit! This is incredible! - Thank
you.

Okay. So the Colonel killed Malcolm and
Tobey over lost love.

- Got it. Perfect. - This is insane.

Will you just say all of that one more
time,

but can you say it from the top?

- I've gotta do a voice memo. - She screws
this up a lot.

- Just ask Siri. - Swipe it up.

- Swipe it up. - I did swipe up.

Say, "Siri",

"I would like to make voice memo."

Get into wardrobe. You are in danger.

- Get in the wardrobe, you said? - You are
in danger. Right now.

- Quickly. - Jesus. I don't know... Ow!

And whatever you hear, do not come out
till I say so.

- Yes, sir. - Yes.

You. What do you want?

No, they're not here. You should go.

Where's the lamp?

- I left it outside. - Why isn't it in
here?

- Now you like the lamp? You're
ridiculous. - Well, we needed...

- Let me open the door. - Wait, wait,
wait!

Sh.

Oh, thank God.

Killer...

is...

What?

Oh, God, no! No, no, no!

Oh, my God!

Is he dead? Is he dead?

He's dead!

Do we call housekeeping?

Oh! Honey!

Oh, my God!

Lock the door!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God.

Go! Out of the window!

What are you doing?

Okay, there's a ledge.

That's not a ledge, that's an edge!

- Here we go. - Oh, my God.

I gotcha, a hundred percent. A hundred
percent. Slow.

- Oh, right there. - No! Oh, God.

Come on.

- Don't even look down. - Oh!

- Don't look down. - Oh, my God!

- Told you not to look down. - It's so
far.

Oh, my God.

He flosses angrier than you!

We got an empty room. Jackpot.

- Okay, we're gonna get up on this letter.
- Okay.

Ready? Go.

God!

Oh, my God!

- You okay? Come on. - That was the
scariest thing.

- We gotta go. All right. I love you. -
Oh, my God.

- I love you. I'm so scared. - Let's go,
let's go, let's go.

Uh... What's in here? Uh...

No, you're not going back out there.

- Oh, yes! Finally! - Come here.

- Kiss me, Vik. - Oh!

Oh, kiss me. Kiss me here.

- Where? - Here.

- God, I love it. Quick, get me to the
bed. - Jesus Christ.

- Get up. - Yes!

I'm gonna drink you up like a milkshake
without a straw!

Yeah. Wow!

- That's right. - Vanilla milkshake!

Vanilla, chocolate, whatever!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Here we go! - Wow!

Yeah! I hope the hotel's got insurance for
these springs

'cause I'm gonna bust this bed up.

Oh, my God!

- You're much stronger than you look, Vik!
- That's right!

- You ready for this? - I don't know if I
am!

Oh, Grace!

- Grace! Oh, Grace! - Huh? Why do you keep
saying Grace?

Darling, it's the only thing that gets me
in the mood.

Grace! You look so good for your age!

- So good for your age! Oh, God! -
Your skin is beautiful!

- You have no wrinkles... - No wrinkles
any...

Anywhere!

Oh, my God! Grace, you're so...

Oh, God!

- Uh-oh. - Vik.

Mm-hmm?

What happened?

Maybe we should, like, conversate a little
bit.

Get to know each other. Know what I mean?

Like, eye to eye, really connect. Tell me
about your favorite band.

I'm going to the casino. Maybe I'll get
lucky there.

Look, look, look! Please don't tell
anybody about this

'cause I've got some mad sex cred in these
parts, yeah.

My people know me.

I'll buy you a hat!

I can't believe this just happened.

Okay, okay.

All right. We gotta calm down.

- This has been a really weird day, huh? -
Yeah.

Okay. Let's just get out of this place.

Absolutely. Someplace with beer though,
please.

"I'll go buy you a hat."

Sergei was trying to tell us the Colonel
did it,

but then he gets shot. There's no way the
Colonel shot him

'cause the Colonel was having a floss
party.

Did you see how crazy he was going with
the teeth flossing?

- I did. - What did he have in there? A
buffet?

- Um... - Oh, my gosh.

- What's he saying? - I don't know.

Well, you took French in high school,
didn't you?

I don't remember high school! What did you
take in high school?

- Latin. - Oh, great. Who takes freakin'
Latin?

- People who have a hot Latin teacher. -
Shh!

Okay, so something, something...

Something cake. Something's frosted.

Okay. You're fired. You're fired.

- Okay, I told you... - Excuse me, sir.

Could you translate that for us, please?
S'il vous plaît?

Uh, the TV says that, uh...

you are the most wanted... for...

for meurtre.

- No, no, no. - Okay, no, no. We...

This is a complete misunderstanding, okay?

We were just around...

- We saw... - a lot of people that
happened to die,

but we didn't murt.

You are to be arrested at first sight.

- Us? - So, here's what we do.

What are you talking about? What are you
doing?

They can't track our SIM card now.

Yeah, then pull the SIM card out.

You don't just submerge our phones into a
bucket of beer.

Now... Now he's saying that madame is
hairdresser,

you are, uh... police officer?

No, he's... he's a detective.

Ah. No, he's not.

- Yes, he is. - Yes, I am! Yes, I am!

No, no, no. He says that you have, uh,
confessed

to lying about that you are detective.

What? No. Now he's making stuff up.

TV says you have failed your detective
exam many, many times.

All right! Enough translato. That's
not...

You're just improvising, pal, and it's
getting weird.

What... What is he talking about?

I will repeat this message in
English.

Nick Spitz...

is many things,

but not a detective.

Well, I heard that.

I will repeat this message in
Spanish.

Did you lie to me?

I didn't... I didn't lie.

- The guy... The guy was... - Oh, God. No,
no, no.

Whoa. Hey.

- No. - Hun, hun, hun.

This whole thing's just... just very
complicated.

Complicated, yeah. I thought people were
simple.

Audrey, please.

What? Did you lie about getting that
raise, too?

How are we affording this trip?

You made me feel like I had to take you on
this honeymoon.

You told me you already booked this
honeymoon.

You gave this to me. This was my
anniversary gift.

- Okay. - You lied about that, too?

We'll get into all that, okay?

But right now, I gotta figure out how
we're gonna get out of this situation.

You have to figure this out? What do you
think I've been doing?

This is what I do for a living,
sweetheart!

You're a goddamn hairdresser!

- I'm sorry. - Whoa.

- Where you going? - I need a minute.

We don't have a minute!

Just leave me alone. Don't you follow me.

You need to get out of Monte Carlo right
away.

I got you into this, I'll help get you
out. Come with me.

- Now! We have to go. - Right.

- Lake Como, back roads. - Yes, sir.

- Where's Nick? - I don't know. I don't
care.

Jimmy boy, it's Nick.

Where are you?

You guys are all over the news.

They say you killed three people.

Do you think that's possible?

With your aim? Hell, no.

Exactly. Now I'm gonna text you two
international numbers.

Can you link them together so I can follow
one from the other?

Are you trying to get my ass fired?

But hell, yeah.

Thank you.

There's one more thing I want you to check
into for me.

What are we doing?

I just have to dash in for a quick
appointment with my lawyer.

We're going to read Malcolm's will at the
villa later on,

and I'm going to get what's mine.

Charles, that just sounded very
suspicious.

What about this week doesn't?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Claritin.

This is Japanese Claritin.

Hello?

Charles?

Audrey!

- Ow! - God!

- Ow! - What the...

What the...

What are you doing here?

I followed Suzi here.

- Suzi's here? - Yes.

Okay, Cavendish came here to find Suzi.
I'm telling you, Cavendish is in on this.

I know. I knew that!

Okay. I just found a box of Japanese
Claritin

in the back of Cavendish's limo.

So what? They were planning this the whole
damn time?

The whole time. This was their plan.

- So they kill Malcolm, they kill Tobey...
- Yeah.

Before Malcolm has time to sign the new
will.

- Right. - That way, Cavendish inherits
everything.

And he splits it with Suzi.

And if they killed him after, then Suzi
would have inherited.

- They still would have split that. - It
was a win-win.

Oh, look at that.

Who figured that whole thing out?

The hairdresser. Mm-mm. The hairdresser.

I got you!

Jesus! Oh, my God.

It's just like Death at the
Library!

What happens in Death at the
Library?

They died. That's why it's called Death
at the Library.

Nick, what are you doing?

We are going to push this over on the
count of three,

- and then we're gonna run. - We're gonna
what?

- Don't you trust me? - No!

Ready? One!

Two!

Three!

Oh, look! There!

Oh! Sorry! Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry.

Come on.

- Is that... - Is that Juan Carlos?

- Juan Carlos! - Hey!

Hello!

- Juan Carlos! - How am I?

- No, no. Suzi! Suzi! - Suzi! Suzi! Which
way is Suzi?

- Married to Malcolm. - You two married!
Good!

- No! - No!

Suzi vidisti? Putamus esse illa
interfectorem.

- Yes! - Latin, baby!

- Still the international language! - I
got it!

Shit.

- Oh! - Yeah!

Where'd she go?

She was right there.

You should have never come to Lake Como.

- Wait a minute. - We know about you and
Cavendish.

- You know nothing. - We know you're still
in love,

and we know that love is tough without
money.

Isn't it, Suzi?

I'll take your word for it. You're the one
whose shoes

still got a sticker from Marshalls on it.

- They have name brands now! - How dare
you?

- They have name brands now! - How dare
you?

- What? - These are from Target.

- How could you not tell me? - I don't
look at your...

Shut up!

- Oh! - Suzi, don't. Please, don't do
this.

No matter what you do, you're not gonna be
safe. I'm telling you.

One murderer always double-crosses the
other murderer.

- She reads the books. - It's just a
cliché of the genre!

I'm telling you!

Hey! Halloween!

No, no, no! Oh, my God!

Go, go, go!

Cavendish, you move, I'll blow your head
off!

Shoot at him!

Oh, babe, you're the worst shot!

Those were warning shots, honey!

- Oh, yes! I go fast! - Go!

Ambulance! Emergencia!

Oh!

Okay, Suzi. You've gotta tell me who did
this.

Slow down. Don't use your words.

Let's charade it, okay. Just tell me with
your hand.

Uh, claw. Bear claw.

No. Grizzly bear claw.

Oh! Chewy. Chewy.

So it's Sergei? No, Sergei's dead.

Hey!

Have you got tires on your feet? Good God!

Spooning. Eating. Uh...

Ice cream. No, no. Gelato. Gelato?

Oh, God. It's amazing how pretty you are
when you're... I'm sorry.

Hey.

Hey! Come on!

Oh, shoot!

Hey!

Ba-ba-ba-ba!

Crazy... crazy... Crazy mad love!

It's crazy 'cause you're madly in love
with Cavendish.

It's Cavendish, no? Sleeping With the
Ene...

Sleeping.

You're not sleeping.

- She's dead now? - I don't know why this
keeps happening!

Let's go! We gotta get out of
here.

- Oh, my God. Come on. -
Where?

Close the airports! Search house to house!

As God as my witness, I will find Nick and
Audrey Spitz.

- Inspector? - Yes?

I have Nick and Audrey Spitz on the phone
for you.

- Huh? - Nick and Audrey Spitz.

Where are you?

We are on our way to Quince's villa right
now.

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry, I wasn't prepared for you to
actually answer that.

We are being framed right now.

You meet us at the villa, we will reveal
the killer.

That kinda rhymed.

Which is cool, I think.

- Look at this place. - Let's go.

- Oh, my God. - This is big.

This is a big house. This is what they
call rich people shit.

Lord Cavendish is expecting us.

Second floor, eighth door on the left.

Yes, that's right. That's what he told us,
yeah.

Okay, so take a five-spotter.

Your five euros is how much American-wise?

Six American dollars.

Oh, that's, uh... that's more than I...

- Can I get a half a euro back... - Oh,
God. Please, Nick. Thank you.

I didn't know they were ahead of us with
the money.

- Second floor... - I got no bullets left,

so we'll bluff 'em until Interpol gets
here.

Honey, you just gotta be careful.

This guy has killed four people, that we
know of.

Good news is, we know who did it.

- Okay. - Hard part is over with.

Okay.

And...

What's up, Dish?

Stay still! I'll shoot you right in the
six-pack!

- You hear me, bitch? - Calm down, babe.

Make a move! I dare you!

I dare...

Oh, my God!

- He's dead. - He's dead.

- Okay, he's dead. - Oh, my God.

- What the hell? - Oh, God. Case reopened,
babe.

They must have poisoned his drink!

- Nick! - And look at his face. It's...

I mean, besides the foaming mouth, he
still kinda looks good.

What is with this man?

We told the police. We called the police.
We told 'em to come here.

- Yes. - We've got to stop them.

It's not like canceling a pizza, honey.
You tell 'em to show up, they show up.

If he's not the killer, who is the killer?

And if we don't know who the killer is
before they get here, we're screwed!

Do you understand this?

He's gotta be here in this house.

This is gorgeous wallpaper. Is that
fabric? Is this embossed?

Sweetheart, you're losing it! You're
making me nuts right now!

No, I know. Hold on. Okay.

All right, it's good.

You all right? You breathing?

- I have to breathe through this. - Look
at me.

- We gotta turn ourselves in. - Wait,
what?

They're all gonna show up. If we run,
they're gonna shoot us.

What do you mean? We're gonna just go to
jail?

It's better than getting shot, ain't it?

I don't feel... I don't feel good.

- Babe. - Oh, God.

It's an Italian prison.

You know the food's gonna be incredible.

We'll have meatballs and pesto sauce and
all that.

It's not co-ed, honey. All right?

We're... We're not gonna be in jail
together.

I know.

Why did you lie to me?

'Cause I was...

I was, uh... I was embarrassed.

With me?

Why? I...

I could've helped you figure that out.
That's why we're together.

I know.

Remember when I couldn't pay my rent at
the salon,

and then you were like, "Oh, okay." You
got that boot off my landlord's car.

- That got me another week. - Yeah, I
remember.

Remember when your cholesterol was through
the roof?

And then I made you eat egg whites? You
hate egg whites.

And I made you do it, and I did it with
you.

You helped me not miss yolks anymore.

That's right. That's what we do. We do
things together.

So can we please just figure this out,
too?

We just don't know who did it.

But Nick, we know who didn't do it.

- All right? - Right.

So let's just go downstairs and act like
we figured it out.

If we're gonna do that, we gotta... we
just gotta look confident.

All right. If we're gonna look confident,
we've gotta dress it.

I already know what I wanna wear.

What?

What's up, fools?

Okay, we solved the case. Boom.

Yo, yo! Where'd you get the clothes? It's
a little much.

Um...

I found this beautiful dress in a random
closet.

- You're looking gorgeous, by the way. -
Thanks, baby.

- And he got this stunning tux... -
Mm-hmm.

Off a...

Oh, why candy-coat it?

- A corpse. - Yeah.

There's another corpse?

Jeez! Sorry, yes.

Upstairs, eighth door on the left.

To whom does this dead corpse belong?

Oh, yeah. You guys don't know.

- Bad news, guys. - It's terrible.

Cavendish is dead.

You stole the tux off Charlie's dead body?

And it fits perfectly. Little tight in the
crotch, to be honest.

Just kidding. No, he's got me beat. He's
got me beat.

Wait. Where's Suzi?

- She's dead. - Dead.

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

Y'all are like the miniature Manson
Family!

- No, no, no. - Nick and Audrey Spitz,

- you are under arrest. - Listen.

Ferme la bouche. Is that what it
is?

- Just give us a second. We got this. - We
got this. Let's go.

Thank you.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, let's
review the facts.

Malcolm Quince,

he was the first to get murdered.

We all assumed it was Tobey.

- No, we all assumed you did it. - Mm-hmm.

- Okay. - Yeah, but Tobey hated his
father,

and he stood to inherit billions of
dollars.

- Until he caught some lead to the dome. -
Mm-hmm.

- Can you feel me, Raja? - Pew-pew-pew!

- There it is. - And then,

before Sergei was shot, he told us that
the Colonel did it.

He told you what?

But we know you didn't do it, Colonel,
because we saw you flossing your teeth

when we were shimmying by your window that
night.

You two were spying on me in my bathroom?

Trust me, I did... We saw a lot of shit
that night that I did not want to see.

I mean, apologize ahead of time. We had to
see you guys having sex.

You, um...

You... saw that?

Maharajah, some advice for you.

Maybe grab the bottom and squeeze.

Huh. Word.

Anyway...

French fries. Yes.

Actually, Juan Carlos, you had nothing to
do with this.

You couldn't have had anything to do with
it

because you were with us when Suzi got
killed.

- So it wasn't you. - Mm-mm.

- It wasn't you. - Mm-mm.

- It wasn't you. - No.

It wasn't you.

Holy shit! Maybe we did do it.

- What? - Did you?

- Because listen... - What did you just
say to me?

- I'm just messing around. - There it is.

- And he's clapping. - Going to jail.
Thanks, babe.

I'm glad we finally are all on the same
page.

Now, since the first murder occurred in
French territorial waters,

I will be taking you to Paris to be
arraigned and tried.

At least we're going to Paris. You always
wanted to go.

Honey, if you keep making jokes at a time
like this,

it's not gonna make this go away.

Lucky for you, since 1977,

there has been no death penalty under
French law.

French law.

French law.

The French law. Yeah.

Surely, Inspector, you of all people

are familiar with the French inheritance
law.

Are you implying I have bastard children?

Well, I wasn't.

Because I do.

I was surprised you knew about them.

I love those little bastards.

Okay. Anyway, um, the French law states
that a man's estate

must be divided equally amongst his
children.

So it wouldn't matter what the will said.

Straight up, Maharajah.

The kids were gonna get the money, whether
the old man married Suzi or not.

Mm-hmm. But both of Malcolm's children are
dead.

- Both? - Yes. Tobey,

and the son he had with Madeleine
LeBoutillier..

That boy died at childbirth.

Did he, Colonel?

I spoke to my partner in New York City.

I said, get the death certificates for
Madeleine and the son.

He could only find one for Madeleine.

But then I started thinking, maybe there's
no death certificate

because there was no death.

Nonsense. Malcolm desperately wanted a boy
to sire the next generation of Quinces.

He would never abandon a son.

But...

what if it was a daughter?

- Yes! - What if it was a daughter?

The love of his life dies,

dies giving birth to his unwanted
daughter.

- Yes! - It almost makes sense.

- It does! It kinda does! - It makes total
sense.

He gave her away.

Then where is she now?

Well, she could be anywhere. She could
have got married.

She could've joined a gang, changed her
name. Who knows? Carry on.

- Changed her name. - Ah!

- You changed your name. - Yes.

Your real last name isn't Ballard.

So?

Lots of artists change their names.

Lady Gaga's real name isn't Lady Gaga.

Yes, Lady Gaga. "Paparazzi," yes, good.

But every Grace Ballard superfan knows

your first movie was Summer
Wetdown.

You had three lines, and you went by your
birth name,

Grace Butler.

Which, en français, roughly
translates to LeBoutillier.

Madeleine LeBoutillier, your mother.

This is a joke.

I wasn't even in the room when Malcolm
Quince was murdered.

Fine! Then Tobey killed him, but he did it
with a little help.

The lights. You turned out the
lights.

You convinced Tobey to kill Malcolm so you could split the money with

And then you killed Tobey so
that you could just keep all of it.

Then me and this girl started asking too
many questions.

So you had to get rid of us.

Luckily, not for him, but Sergei
gets in the way.

Then you seduce the Maharajah

so that you would make us think
you were with him all night.

Yo, you were just twizzlin' on my wizzle
for an alibi.

Girl, that's cold.

You tried to kill us in the library.

You tried to kill us in the market,
but you got Suzi instead.

- And the weapon... - Hm!

- I recognize the weapon now. - The dart?

It was a movie. I watched it one night.
You were out with your friends.

You came back drunk and, uh...

What the hell was it?

Princess Blow Dart.

Oh, God.

That is not the name of a movie.

It is! It is!

Yo, look at my screensaver.

- That's her! - Oh, my gosh!

So then you killed Charles

because you knew he would never rest until he found out who Suzi's

'Cause he loved Suzi, not you!

The three motives:

money, love, revenge.

You were the mastermind

behind Malcolm Quince's murders, weren't
you?

- And you were the one who framed us. -
You killed them all, didn't you?

Didn't you?

My father was a monster.

So you admit it?

Yes.

I am the daughter of Malcolm Quince and
Madeleine LeBoutillier,

and sole heir to the Quince fortune.

Uh, and... what about the murders?

Oh, I didn't do those.

But it couldn't have happened to a nicer
group of people.

So...

what other proof do you have?

- Of what? - Proof of what?

That she killed everybody?

Yes.

Aren't you gonna do anything at all?

I mean, is there a French holiday we're
unaware of?

What the hell do you do?

Look...

I don't know how you do things in
Brooklyn,

but here we need evidence to make an
arrest.

This is not how this is supposed to
happen.

The detective is supposed to explain the
murders, which we just did,

and then the killer is supposed to crack
and freak out under pressure and admit it!

If there's nothing else,

I'd like to start spending my money now.

The hat. The hat! Uh, take off your hat.

What?

I said take off your hat.

No.

The Maharajah bought me this hat, and I
quite like it.

Nick hit the killer in the head with a
plate.

And it left a mark, didn't it?

Also,

why on earth would you put a hat on a
freshly styled head of hair?

How would you know my hair's been freshly
styled?

'Cause she's a goddamn hairdresser.

Please remove your hat, Ms. Butler.

I'll do nothing of the kind.

The butler did it. Grace Butler did it!
Grace But... Right?

- I said it on the plane. - You had to do
it!

- Stay back! - Jesus!

Everybody!

- Oh, my God! - Son of a bitch.

- Wait! No, no. - Whoa!

Nobody move!

Nobody move, or I'll shoot her.

Guns down. Baissez vos armes.

Get an ambulance.

Yo, I thought you said he was a terrible
shot.

Not when it comes to saving my woman.

I was aiming for her foot, by the way.

All right. It's all right.

Thank you for stepping in and trying to
stop her, Juan Carlos.

That was so brave.

De nada, señora.

I love that. I love that he's brave and
I'm, what, nothing?

- Are you kidding? I said you were brave.
- You didn't say it.

I said so many times. "Nick, you were so
brave."

De nada, señora. Halloween.

Yo, I got a question.

In the hotel in Monte Carlo,

you said that you saw me and Grace
together.

- We heard you. - We heard you.

We didn't like what we heard, but I'll
tell...

- I'm sorry. - I hope those are new pants,
by the way.

Yeah, but...

But the truth is,

Grace and I were together in the bar

an hour before we got to our room,

so how could she have killed Sergei

if she was with me?

Nick.

Audrey.

How did Juan Carlos understand my English
just now?

Stop!

No! No!

Don't come any closer!

Aah! He speaks English!

I've spoken English my whole life, you
idiots,

and a dozen other languages.

And by the way, your Latin sucks.

You understood it!

Don't you even think about it, Colonel, or
I will shoot your dick off.

Put your hands up in the air, now.

I am the one who told her to convince
Tobey to kill his dad,

destroy this sick family

in the name of my father.

Get into the car.

Go in!

Back off!

I go fast.

Hey!

Look at that! A Ferrari!

- What? - Testarossa!

Magnum P.I.! Me, baby!

I got the mustache!

Nick, you forgot the gun!

This is incredible! This is a fantasy for
everybody!

How does it open?

Underneath! Pull! Pull! Come on!

Oh, my God.

What the...

- Are you kidding me? - I'm so sorry! I
don't know what to say!

Go, go, go!

- Put your hands up. Hands up! - Whoa,
whoa, whoa!

All I'm saying is,

when the engine sounds like your sister's
voice...

irritating, high, and loud... you gotta
switch gears.

Ah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yes!

Look how nice you handle this thing!

♪ I'm gonna take you down ♪

♪ Down, down, down... ♪

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

- Honey, he's right up there. - I see him.

♪ I'm gonna pull it, pull it ♪

♪ Pull the trigger ♪

♪ Shoot to thrill ♪

♪ Play to kill ♪

♪ Too many women... ♪

♪ Shoot to thrill ♪

♪ Play to kill ♪

♪ I got my gun at the ready
Gonna fire at will, yeah ♪

♪ I'm like evil ♪

♪ I get under your skin... ♪

Whoa!

Again!

Yeah! Baby, nice. Nice! Nice turn!

Look at you! Look at you!

Keep going. Keep after him. Keep after
him. Keep going.

Goat! Goat! Goat!

Holy cow!

Do you have any idea how gorgeous you
look?

Wait! Second goat! What the hell?

- Do you not like goats or something? - I
love them!

Idiots.

Oh, shit.

♪ Shoot to thrill ♪

♪ Play to kill ♪

♪ Too many women with too many pills...
♪

Keep going, baby. Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

- Holy shit! - Oh, God!

- We gotta pit him, honey. - I gotta what
him?

What you do is you hit the back bumper and
he'll just spin out.

- I can't do that. I can't... - You got
this.

I can't. He's a Formula 1 race car driver!

Faster! Come on!

This is our adventure.

Go for it.

I can do this. I love you. That was sweet.

Okay, here we go.

♪ Shoot you ♪

♪ Shoot you ♪

No!

He didn't spin. He didn't spin. We just
gotta take him out.

- Take him out! - Here we go.

Floor it! Floor it!

Oh!

What?

Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes! Hit the
brakes!

Do you have any idea how cool you are?

- Happy anniversary, baby! - Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

- Okay. - Okay.

- I'm gonna go get that guy out of the
car. - Go get him.

I love you.

- I love you. - Oh, my God.

Let's go. Let's go.

I got you. Come on.

All right.

I'm so sick of you, cop!

You should have never come here!

You should have just stayed home, eating
hot dogs,

reading People magazine, and
watching reality TV.

Baby.

You know, that was our... That was our
tour bus!

No toilets, no Wi-Fi, and you're running
over people?

- Brittany's hogging the window seat! - I
want to see the dead guy!

Just sit down and shut up! I'm gonna take
a picture!

- All right. I love you. - Oh, my God,
this guy...

- We gotta ask 'em how they age ham. - I
don't care!

Come on!

♪ Do you love me too... ♪

On behalf of Interpol, I thank you, Mrs.
Spitz.

You are as brilliant as you are beautiful.

Oh, my gosh. Well, thank you for that.

- And Officer Spitz. - I go, what? What?

It seems you are quite the detective after
all.

- You are! - With this girl, yes.

Something I will be passing along to your
superiors in New York.

That would be big.

I have to tell you, I think this entire
experience was pretty great.

- Incredible. - Yeah.

Outside of the murders, it was on the
money.

Well, I hope the rest of your trip, which
we have arranged for you,

is more relaxing.

- Bon voyage. - Well, thank you.

You owe that to us, but thank you so much.

You ever come to New York, you look us up.

We'll pin, uh, a triple homicide on you or
a kidnapping or something.

- Thank you. Okay. - Thank you so much.

Good to meet you. All right. Be safe.

- Good anniversary, right? - Amazing
anniversary.

- Kind of... Kind of a cool one. - Loved
it!

What did you get me, by the way, for a
present?

What? Oh, uh...

I got you the Amazon gift card.

- You did? - No, I didn't get you
anything.

- ♪ You will see ♪

♪ Finally ♪

♪ You and me shall always be as one
♪

♪ See what happiness has done ♪

♪ We must be in love ♪

♪ We must be in love ♪

♪ I sigh ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ I sigh ♪

♪ Is it that I'm lonely for you? ♪

♪ Are you lonely for me too? ♪

♪ We must be in love ♪

♪ Let me tell you now ♪

♪ I miss your tender kiss ♪

♪ Your tender kiss is what I miss ♪

♪ I have a strange desire ♪

♪ For your lips of fire ♪

♪ We must be in love ♪

♪ Do you love me too... ♪