Original subtitles

Hey, how hard would it be to throw a press conference?

About what? Yeah, you're right.

I got an e-mail from Shershow. He's getting married.

- Who would marry Shershow? - Oh, this is crazy.

"Though Melinda and I met but two short months ago,

"our bond is as inseparable

as the Na'vi people's hair penetration."

That guy's such an idiot.

Shershow's getting married.

This Saturday. On our anniversary.

No, our anniversary is... this Saturday.

This is classic Shershow to get married on our day.

You're gonna have to change all the plans you made.

Damn it! They were such good plans too.

It's... All the...

The chocolate and...

Trips and... Chocolate trips?

Candles,

silk sheets,

and oil. Hmm?

Gotta have oil. Okay.

Seriously, guys,

I can't believe Shershow is getting married before me.

He was my safety. I mean, we made a pact.

If we didn't marry anyone by 40, then we'd marry each other.

You'd actually marry Shershow?

It's like the gun in my grandma's purse.

She hopes she doesn't have to use it,

but likes knowing it's there. Hmm.

I mean, I thought Shershow was the safest safety possible.

The guy's a maniac. How many times have we bailed him out?

Once out of jail and once out of an actual boat.

Remember that summer he stayed with us?

Whoa! Where's my Bulls game?

And why do we have 15 hours of Maury Povich?

Because I'm in a fantasy Povich league.

Excuse me. Let me just nestle through here.

Oh. Golly.

Ugh. Such a deep belly button. Ugh.

It wasn't as bad as the time he made smoothies at my apartment.

Ooh.

Shershow has issues.

Says the guy who wears the pajama top to the bar.

Ha-ha! - That's true.

Actually, now that Shershow's getting his life together,

that kind of makes you the new Shershow, man.

Yes! Yes, you are.

Can I get a beer, please?

Your life is in shambles.

Well, the joke is on all of you,

because I am wearing my bathing suit bottoms.

Brad, pay for my beer.

Oh, he has his bathing suit on!

He's gonna die soon. I can't. I can't.

Shershow! Shershow!

So Al, did you have fun on your date last night?

Uh, I wouldn't go that far.

I had a great time. Me too.

So should I get a condom?

What? No.

Sweet! I hate condoms too.

Who does that? They all do that.

I forgot how much dating sucks and I wish I find a normal guy.

Because to be honest,

it's been a while since I did the old lay down, move around.

I'm sorry. What was that? The old downtown parade.

I don't follow. Still not getting it.

- Sex! I'm talking about sex! - Oh!

The lay down. Okay, and then you...

Hey, guys.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Thought I'd bring you some sandwiches.

What is going on here? Just some girl talk.

Wait. You guys are talking about Alex and a dude, right?

No. Guys, I'm cool.

I mean, we are friends. We gotta be open about this.

You're right. All right, so basically,

I go out on a date with Connor.

One kiss and he's pulling out... Okay, that's a good start.

Should we exchange anniversary gifts today

since we won't be here on Saturday?

No, let's wait five to eight more business days.

Couldn't have overnighted it?

Hmm? Oh, hey, guys.

What are you guys doing here?

Shershow got in a fight with our cable guy.

It was raining shin kicks.

Needless to say, no mas ESPN Deportee.

Well, riddle me this. If I'm so Shershow,

how come the real Shershow asked me

to officiate his wedding?

Boom. Stink it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to apply

for my minister's license.

You mean renew your license,

because you officiated our wedding.

You did have your license when you married us, right?

Funny story. No?

What's happening with her face?

She's Beautiful Mind-ing it.

Just gotta let it play itself out.

Brad! You know what this means, right?

We get to have honeymoon sex again,

and I get to put my car keys in your attic?

We get to get married again.

Technically, you guys are still married.

Yeah, but now we get to have the perfect wedding I wanted.

Babe, our wedding was perfect. To everyone but us.

We didn't get the prime rib we wanted

because your lesbian vegan aunt adopts cows.

And what about your 2-year-old niece

that your sister begged to be our flower girl

and swore was potty-trained? Rose petals were not

the only thing she dropped in that aisle.

It wasn't that bad. Poops, Brad.

Madison pooped on our wedding. But now we get to do it right.

This is gonna be so great!

Ow!

Thanks, a lot, Max.

Classic Shershow.

Hello, Wisconsin.

Oh, my God. Would you stop saying that?

Wow. This is so nice.

I thought if Shershow ever got married

it'd be in a women's prison.

Jane, that was the lawyer. Oh.

We sign some papers and we're

No re-wedding necessary. Too late.

Brain wheels are already turning.

You know what that gesture actually means, right?

What's up, nerds?

Going with the grocery bag luggage thing now, Shershow?

It's called living a green lifestyle.

You might wanna look into it, big oil.

And I'll show you how un-Shershow I am

when I officiate the crap out of his wedding ceremony tomorrow.

I bet you all 20 bucks I make you cry.

You don't have 20 bucks. I will find 20 bucks

and use it as dental floss, because I won't need it so bad.

And besides, Penny is the one that is Shershow.

Her safety's getting married. How depressing is that?

Okay, come on, Max.

I was never gonna marry that guy.

And anybody who would must be busted in la faccia.

- Yeah. - Hey, guys.

Hey.

More like awesome in la faccia. Damn.

I'm so glad you guys made it.

Hi. Hi. You look great.

And you... My God, you smell good.

Yeah, I realized that aluminum is a really important

component of deodorant.

- Everybody, how are you? - Hi.

Hey. Let me introduce you to my love.

This is Melinda.

I am so happy that you all able to make it on such short notice.

I'm leaving next week to deliver ovens to Honduras.

Wow. You hit it out of the park.

She's beautiful and says "Honduras" the fancy way.

She's really pretty. Pretty?

I mean, she's a living doll.

I am attracted to you. Calm down.

Very much so and I am a gay man. Okay.

Yeah. Can you believe I got a girl like this?

I was kind of counting on our safety pact.

I was afraid I was gonna end up like those sad lonelies.

The kind that cry at intersections.

Good thing I dodged that bullet.

What's been going on with you? How are you?

I'm engaged!

What?

Hmm. Yeah.

So, Penny, that's great. You got engaged.

To who? Uh... my fiancé.

So where's your fiancé? Why isn't he here with you now?

There is a storm. Storm's a-coming.

Up the coast and the channels. Big storm.

He really couldn't make it, but you know what?

Why are you calling me? He's obsessed with me.

He calls me constantly. Excuse me.

Anyways, you guys, Jason told me so much about you.

Who's Jason? That's Shershow's first name.

It's so Shershow that you don't know that.

Max, Brad, Jane, Dave, Alex.

Hi. I'm sorry, you guys.

I have to tell my Aunt Cathy that this isn't her wedding.

Yeah, totally. I hate pushy relatives.

It's like, "This is my day!" Right?

No, not right. She has advanced Alzheimer's

and it's been a really trying time for my family.

She thinks it's 1952.

Ooh. She's gonna freak out when she sees Brad in the hotel.

Yeah. Sorry.

It's okay.

Wow. Did it seem like she was cold to me, or...

Yeah, she thinks that you're a wedding jinx,

so she's really worried that you're gonna ruin the weekend.

What? A wedding jinx? I've only ruined one wedding.

Yeah, and Yoko only ruined one Beatles.

I'm gonna check in.

Hello, room.

Hope you're ready for some sex to be had in you.

Okay, you don't have to say that to every hotel room we stay in.

It's just a courtesy.

Ooh.

Aw. "Shershow-Rogers wedding, October 19th."

I love our anniversary date.

Oh, my God. If we got married tomorrow,

we could still have the same anniversary.

But tomorrow's Shershow's wedding.

So we'll just do it right after,

up here with all our friends.

Perfect. I am gonna order the cake and...

Whoa, whoa.

Look, can you please not get too crazy

with this whole fake wedding?

I made a big mistake. Ooh. You think?

I panicked. I'm an independent woman and everything

but no matter how hard you sing along to Liz Phair

or how many women's surf camps you go to,

when the chips are down, you're going fake fiancé.

No big deal. Just tell Shershow your fiancé couldn't make it.

Might be too late for that.

What's up, skank? Whee!

Oh, I'm fat. Ha-ha. Hi!

Hey. You guys remember Derek.

You remember me, and I don't remember you. Just kidding.

It's Max, Brad and some blonde lady.

Penny Pasta, I need to go to the little girl's room.

I've had so many half-caf skim lattes on the drive up, okay?

This right here, it's happening, okay?

Get into it. Drama.

He's all I could get last minute.

Guys, he can totally pull oft straight.

In college, he minored in theater.

Yeah, but he majored in dudes.

Whoa, girl. Damn.

Hey, so you agree. Melinda's being crazy.

There's no such thing as a wedding jinx, right?

No, no, our wedding went oft without a hitch.

Literally nobody got hitched.

Kidding! We are here, we're friends,

and we are gonna do it up at this rehearsal dinner.

Hey, maybe you'll meet a guy. Maybe I'll meet a girl.

I haven't had much luck in the guy department lately.

Wait. You know, um,

maybe we could be each other's wingmen.

I mean, we could do that, right?

We're buds. Totally. Yeah.

So you wanna be my wingman?

I do.

Where was that six months ago?

Kidding! I'm kidding.

Here we go.

Hey, Penny, you look stunning.

So introduce me to the lucky guy.

Shershow, this is Derek.

That's my name, so don't wear it out.

What's happening?

This hors d'oeuvre is like, really weird, right?

Yeah, I guess it is weird, baby quiche.

It's like a tiny egg pie.

Great. Well, uh, I'm gonna go mingle.

Have some hot tea with lemon.

- Bye. - My God, Penny,

Ty Pennington, we are so doing it.

I'm gonna win a Tony this weekend. Really?

Your idea of playing straight is Danny Zuko from Grease?

It's not a problem. I've got plenty in the kitty.

Niles from Frasier. "Oh, Frasier, don't you think..."

That is not gonna work. That's all I've got.

Oh, my God.

I'm not seeing a very deep talent pool here.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Now this guy's got some...

Braces. Ugh.

Ooh. Hello. Target acquired.

All right, I'm on it.

Ooh! Jeez.

Oh, God.

Can you please just leave it? Yeah.

She's the wedding jinx.

Mm, these are good. Not as good as shrimp.

I love shrimp. There's shrimp here?

Nope. Just like there wasn't any shrimp at our wedding.

Because your cousin Erin was so allergic.

But things could be different this time.

Two words for you: shrimp fountain.

Mmm. Four words: I like shrimp fountain.

Then you shall have one.

And I can get my cake because there's a local bakery

that makes a ganache that'll make you cry.

Woman totally played me.

Go on, scoop it up.

It's true.

I forgot to tell you that Dave owns his own food truck.

OMG. You have a truck made out of food?

Give us a sec? Okay.

We need to keep looking. I've never felt so smart.

Have you guys seen Derek?

Oh, yeah, he mentioned about meeting up with Kenickie

to race the Scorpions. That was good.

Thanks.

Ooh. That didn't look good. Ooh. Yikes.

Mel and I have been best friends since we were 10.

I would do that again and again.

And now I have two best friends.

Love you, Melinda and Jason.

Would anyone from the groom's side like to say anything?

Mm. Oh, don't go.

- No. No, no, no. - Don't, Pen.

Pen. Boop. Boop.

I want to say something. I do.

You're cute, but I'm cuter.

Hey, everybody. Hmm.

My name is Penny Hartz. Ding. Yup.

And I'm one of Shershow's oldest friends.

And how amazing is it

that we both fell in love at the same time?

You found Melinda and l...

I found Derek.

Sing it, bitch! Whoo!

Magical night.

So congratulations, Melinda and Shershow.

You have found each other,

and now you will never have to pretend

to be something that you're not.

So let's raise our glasses... Going down.

Classic Shershow. That's a nipple.

Oh. Oh, rough night for Pen.

Oh, poor girl. She rode that thing like a bobsled.

Ooh. Yeah.

I'd invite you in, but Brad made a promise

to our hotel room that I gotta help him keep.

That's all right. Go on. I'm fine on my own.

Oh, boy.

Hello? Housekeeping?

Can you come back later?

I'm about to have sex.

Yeah. Gracias.

Hey, how'd the rest of your night go?

Oh, didn't do much.

Just went to bed.

Oh, yeah? Yep.

And Tiftani was in that bed, and we had sex.

Busted. Well, you know

how I love great public speakers.

And you, you were a fantastic wingman.

Thank you. This me-and-you-friends thing

is kind of nice.

Yeah, it is nice.

You know what else was nice? Tiffani was doing this thing...

All right.

Tell Max and Brad.

Ugh. Then you grabbed the mic

and did 15 minutes of stand-up

about the difterence between men and women.

At least I didn't bust out my Korean Grandma.

Grandma Geisha? She came out.

Hey, guys, did you get our paperless post invitation?

Oh, you mean to your weird re-wedding

after Shershow's real wedding? Yeah.

Yeah. Just make sure you RSVP.

So I can get an exact head count.

There's only six of us. Yep.

Just RSVP. Don't see what the big problem is. Okay?

At least you only act crazy when you're drunk.

Oh, my God. Shershow is runaway grooming it.

I wouldn't call that running away.

He's kind of more sauntering.

He's the sauntering-away groom.

Shershow, where are you going?

I was just trying to see if all the luggage fit in the car.

Oh, nice try. But what you said last night

really freaked me out.

I mean, I'm pretending to be someone I'm not.

I'm not this guy. I'm Shershow.

But you're not.

You've got a job now and a car with a hatchback.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet, huh?

It makes loading and unloading a breeze.

But we both know that I'm just gonna end up screwing all this.

I'm gonna oversleep some morning where we have a big meeting,

or they're gonna send me out to get a party sub,

and I'm just gonna come back with a python.

Why would you do that? Because I'm Shershow.

I'm the type of guy Who gets mustard on his shirt

when I'm not even eating mustard.

I'm Shershow. That's who I am.

Not anymore you're not.

You are Jason now.

And you deserve an amazing girl like Melinda.

Really? Yeah.

Now let's go get you married.

Okay. Okay.

Ooh, that's a heavy one. Okay.

Yeah.

I can't believe they made me sit back here.

There's no such thing as a wedding jinx.

Ooh.

That can't be good.

Oh, come on.

Don't go, don't go.

This feels familiar.

Oh.

I gotta go talk to Melinda.

No, you don't wanna do that.

And she's doing it.

In my experience,

this is not gonna turn out well.

Really? Yeah.

Should I go after her?

It doesn't matter. I'll stay.

Melinda,

look, don't do this.

Okay, I know you're scared.

You probably looked down that aisle

and saw your whole future and it wasn't perfect,

but that doesn't mean it can't be great.

Okay, don't do what I did.

Or you'll wind up pretending to be best friends

with the guy who could've been the love of your life.

No, I wasn't running away.

My bustier broke and my boobies were just all over the place.

Oh. Well, they look hot now.

So I'm going to go.

Hey. I just...

wanted to make sure everything was okay.

Yeah, fine.

I'll go now.

I'm gonna need that.

Yeah. Thank you.

"In your embrace, my heart retreats.

"Love, a force of beating time.

Love, a war I cannot fight."

Damn, man.

That son of a bitch.

Lost 20 bucks but it's worth it.

"Because to sleep is not to dream.

"To sleep is just to leave your touch.

For a few hours and days, I would rather stay awake."

Jason, Melinda,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

So pretty intense convo between you and Melinda.

What? No. That? I was just...

I was saying anything I could to get her

to come back out to the wedding.

I was this close to knocking her over the head

and walking her out like Weekend At Bernie's style.

Right, totally. That's what I thought.

Yeah. Well, congrats on not being

the wedding jinx anymore.

Thanks.

Wanna dance? Yeah.

Mm. You okay?

Yeah. I'm not emotional about Shershow.

I'm emotional because of your ceremony.

It was genius

to go Neruda after Sade

after quotes from dead grandparents.

You nailed it.

Penny, my job as a man of the cloth

is to create a bridge

between the congregation and the couple

built on honesty and mutual respect.

Now give me that money, bitch!

What's wrong?

You gonna make me talk about feelings?

Fine.

Blah, blah, blah, you're a great girl.

Blah, blah, blah, you're gonna meet a great guy.

Blah, blah, blah. Until then, you got me.

Let's dance. Aw.

You're my gay-fty.

My gay safety.

I got it. Okay. I wasn't sure.

Yeah. All right.

Babe, I thought about it,

and I canceled the cake and shrimp fountain.

You were so close to having a perfect wedding.

Why'd you give it up?

The fact that you were willing to go along with me on this

made me realize I don't need the perfect wedding.

I have the perfect husband. Aw.