Original subtitles

Sorry.

Ow! Sorry.

Oh, my God. You should get that looked at.

Finally. Of course, the last room.

Oh, Dad.

He's driving me crazy this visit. I can't leave him alone for a second. You

should talk.

You can't even get a pap smear without dragging me in here.

Go, Seabiscuit, go!

What he needs is a companion, someone mature with similar interests.

Hi, Dad.

No, I don't know what time Rockford Files is on.

Oh, 7 .30 on Channel 6, then again at 10 on Channel 4.

Did you hear that?

Good. I'll see you when I get home.

Bill, have you met my sister, Faith?

Wow, hot guy, no.

You know, my dad's in town and he's single.

You seeing anyone?

You know, I've kind of given up on men. Seems like they all have too much

baggage. Ah, so you turned gay?

You must love your job.

She's not gay.

Are you? No.

But one more 55 -year -old man who lives with his mom and I will be.

I understand dating can be a nightmare.

But my dad's a pretty special guy.

And he looks like a movie star.

And trust me, he is...

Absolutely no baggage. Just a nice, normal family who loves him.

Help. Can I get a little help here?

Oh, my, my, my.

Wow.

120 over 80.

I thought it was when Jim Rockford went to New York and his rental car got

stolen. Oh, I love New York, especially in the fall. The smell from the chestnut

vendors as you cross through Central Park.

I love chestnuts.

Well, if you love chestnuts, then you have to go by the vendor near Lincoln

Center. He really fills the bag and sometimes gives me a free water. If you

by my cart, I'd give you a kidney.

What's a gynecologist?

Oh, you'll find out soon enough.

You know, when you start your period.

What are you telling him that for?

You know, someone has to.

It's something all little boys get, Justin. I'm sure you'll get yours any

now. How will I know when I have it?

Oh, you'll know.

First, you'll start crying all the time for no reason. And then, you'll get

really bloated and have... Horrible cramp.

That's not the worst part.

What's the worst part?

Oh, before I forget, the lab messed up on your fertility test, so I'll need you

to come back in.

Fertility test? Fertility test? You got a fertility test? Without talking to me?

I was just curious to see if it was possible for me to get pregnant.

I'm not saying I definitely want to. Good, because I don't want any more

children.

So, who's ready for dessert?

It's called PMS.

Psychotic Male Syndrome.

And I get it every month?

Until you're like 50.

I think we need to discuss this alone.

You're absolutely right.

Hope, why don't you take a walk around the block?

It'll save you some pain.

Oh, look, Faith.

A meteor shower.

Where? Where?

I thought we agreed we were done after Justin.

Well, sometimes people change their mind.

Look, Charlie, the kids are growing up so fast. Before you know it, they'll be

gone. And then what?

Then we can go travel and do all the things that we dreamed of.

Like what?

Well, like traveling and touring and

trekking.

A lot of stuff.

Charlie, I'm just saying, I might need to have another baby.

And it would just mean a lot to me if you'd just keep an open mind.

Okay.

I will.

Oh, my God. You're right. It's so amazing out there. It's like fireworks.

color's incredible.

Fine. You can have another baby.

But I'm picking the father.

about the last time, Mrs. Shanowski.

We share the results of your fertility test back in a few days.

Professionally speaking, what did you think of the vagina monologues?

Oh, my God. Look who's here.

Hello, Mandy.

Hello, Faith.

What's wrong? Butt rash back?

I'm not speaking to you. You just did.

That's not fair. You tricked me.

I'm here for my appointment.

Have a seat, and we'll call you when the doctor's ready.

I thought you two were friends.

We were, but we had the hugest fight.

About what?

Well, now it's going to sound really stupid, but... She took my longest curly

fry.

Why would you think that sounds stupid?

I'm just glad she and Dad broke up. I mean, can you imagine if they'd gotten

serious?

Dad, what are you doing here?

Oh, I came to surprise Ann, take her to lunch.

I'm telling you, girls, I am walking on air. I even looked at those new

condominiums up on Elm Street.

The way things are going with Ann, I may be up here permanently.

Tell you what, why don't you wait in the car? Ann's really busy.

Jack, it's a nice surprise.

I came to take you to lunch. That is so sweet. I just have one more patient, and

the rest of the afternoon is free.

What a coincidence.

So is mine.

Mandy, come on back.

Mandy?

Is that my Mandy?

I'm afraid so.

Wow. I haven't seen her in about... Nine months.

Hey, Jackers.

Mandy, this is a surprise.

Oh, no, and I ruined it.

Well, you might as well tell me.

You two know each other?

Ann, this is... Jack.

You mean... Jack -Jack?

Jack -Jack?

Me, Jack?

Who's the lucky father?

Dad is the father of Mandy's baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that is so great! I'm so happy for you two!

Oh, Mandy, let's make up. Okay, you first.

I didn't really want that curly fry.

that Dad's the father of Mandy's baby.

Are you calling me a liar?

No, she's calling you a slut.

Oh, okay.

Maybe we should step inside an exam room.

I think Mandy should have a paternity test.

Hey, that's not fair. I'm terrible at tests.

How about a book report?

How long did you and Mandy date?

Please. We made out once. I would hardly call it dating.

Can you do a DNA test?

We could, but I'd have to extract some amniotic fluid, and at this stage, I

think there's too much risk to the baby. If Mandy says it's my baby, then I

believe her.

I don't understand why you didn't tell me.

I don't know, Jackers.

This is supposed to be your golden years where you get half -priced movies and

ride the bus for free.

I didn't want to burden you with a kid.

And I'm the one who forgot to take the pill, so really it's my bad.

Well, it's not all your bad.

It's half my bad.

And I am the father of, uh... Boy.

A son.

Wow.

A brother.

Well, that's just great.

Nice work, Dad.

Mom would be really proud.

She didn't mean that.

She's just worried that she's not going to be your second favorite anymore.

What's wrong?

Wow. I can't believe she's pregnant.

I thought it was just a fertility test.

Relax. It's not like you're the father.

What?

She's talking about Mandy.

She's pregnant with Dad's baby.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, Mandy's pregnant?

Let's talk about that.

You don't want me to have another baby?

Oh, good.

The man you're really mad at is here.

Hope, I can't believe the way you behaved at the doctor's office. Oh, hey,

mad, too.

What? We're out of milk? Sure, I'll go to the store.

The way I behaved?

You're the one who knocked up Hot Rod Magazine's Miss May.

Look, I admit dating Mandy was a mistake.

But that mistake is my responsibility.

Do you want an innocent baby to grow up without a father?

Hope, Dad is right.

What's done is done.

That was then. This is now.

If we lived here, we'd be home by now.

What the hell are you talking about?

He's got to go with the flow, Hope.

We're going to have a baby brother.

Don't you want to be a part of his life?

Hi, Anne. Hi.

Suppose you two want some privacy.

So we'll just be in the kitchen.

But the dishwasher's on, so please, speak up.

I'm really sorry about this. I only dated Mandy for about a week.

I never expected this.

I know, Jack.

It's just that...

This situation is a little complicated now. I mean, Mandy is my patient, and

this does change things.

Doesn't it?

I guess it does.

So I guess it's better if we don't see each other anymore.

Right?

Right.

Well, thanks for a wonderful three weeks.

The best ever.

Dad, I can't believe you let her go.

I had to.

Why? I can't date Anne if I'm going to marry Mandy.

Well, I saw a Jerry Springer that begs to differ.

Here's the plan. First, I apologize.

Then we embrace the pregnancy.

Then once my chocolate marble bundt cake is done as magic, we subtly suggest

that if and when Dad proposes, Mandy respectfully decline.

Got it? Got it.

And don't worry, I'm so not marrying your dad.

Oh, yeah? Then why not? You'd be lucky to marry our dad. He's handsome, he has

money, fake.

Oh, yeah, right. You're not marrying our dad, butt cake.

Look, I want Jack to be involved, but we're not in love, so getting married

would be silly.

Besides, I have a boyfriend.

Hey, babe.

I need a clean urine sample.

Sure thing, babe.

That's Stratus. He's a wrestler.

Though Dad's the one who knocked me out.

Cool.

Mandy, can you do us a favor? Could you please just call our dad and tell him

you don't want to marry him?

Sure. Right after a tinkle.

Things we do for love.

What a relief.

Of course, now that means Dad let Ann get away from nothing.

Yeah.

If only there was something we could do.

Fun cake?

What are you two doing here?

Hope has a cyst that needs draining.

Sure. That's not why we're here.

Look, Ann, I know Dad has a little baggage right now, but he's crazy about

And he walked on the moon.

Look, Ann, you have to trust us. Dad really wants to be with you, and you

want to be with him.

That sounds like love to me.

Plus...

He's second in line to be the king of Slavotania.

Play your cards right and you could be the queen of... What country did I say

again?

Slavotania. Oh, so you've been there.

Hey, Jackers. Oh, Mandy.

Thanks for coming over. I didn't want to discuss this on the phone while you

were tinkling.

Mandy, my mother raised me by herself.

My father walked out on her.

I never forgave him for it.

It wasn't that it was so hard on me, but it was so very hard on my mother.

And I don't want that for you or our baby.

Mandy... Radner.

Mandy Radner.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Jackers.

Yes! Yes!

Anne.

Jack.

Hello to the new Mrs. Jack.

Fairfield. Fairfield.

Well, it looks like Slavitania has a new queen.

Don't worry.

There's no such place.

Hey, where's your mom?

What do I look like, 411?

I'm sorry, Dad. I'm feeling very emotional.

I think I'm getting my period.

What?

What makes you think that?

No, I mean, why do you think you're going to get a period?

It's okay. Sidney and Haley told me everything.

Really?

Well, boys don't get periods, Justin.

They don't? Nope.

Only girls get periods.

I feel like crying.

Why? I'm just so glad...

How you feeling?

Not so great, considering my father's about to make the worst mistake of his

life. Well, if it's any consolation, I think I have something that will cheer

you up.

I've been thinking about you wanting to have a baby, you know, trying to keep an

open mind.

And I realized that it's only natural with the kids growing up for you to feel

empty and unfulfilled.

So what you need is a hobby.

A hobby.

Exactly. And what is the one thing that you have always said you wanted to do if

you had the time?

I don't know.

Can you tell me?

Play the piano.

Isn't she a beaut?

I've already prepaid for a month of lessons. Come on, honey.

How about a little duet?