Original subtitles

Last call for flight 525 to New Delhi.

Thank you, honey, for going to look for Faith.

I feel like this is all my fault. If I hadn't had that fight with her, she

wouldn't have run off and wouldn't be missing in India.

No, I blame myself.

If only I'd strangled her in her sleep when I had the urge we'd all be going to

the Bahamas right now.

Charlie. I'm sorry. It's just the malaria pills talking.

Don't drink the water, and if you must eat meat, make sure they kill it in

of you.

Here, Dad, I want you to have my video game so you won't get bored on the

Justin, that is so sweet.

You're really taking it?

You just gave it to me.

It's called a gesture.

Oh, my God, when?

No way.

No way.

No way.

Sydney, does someone want to say goodbye to your father?

Julie, do you want to say goodbye to my dad?

Julie says bye, Dad.

Maybe I should send Julie to college.

You gotta go.

Bye. I love you.

Come on, kids.

Let's watch the plane pull away.

There goes my video game.

Bye, Dad.

Thank you, Top.

Thanks. But I bet you like the one in your backpack even better. Way.

I mean, what?

Hand it over.

Boy, Mom, nothing gets past you. Mm -hmm. I'll take the one in your boot,

Were you going to wear that or floss with it?

Now, listen.

Your father's going to be home any minute now, and he's not going to be

happy about the fact that he had to fly halfway to India and back for no reason.

Lay at the flapjack, doll face.

And who are you supposed to be?

Sinatra, baby, and pour me juice straight up.

You have two minutes to explain where you were and why you came back.

Okay. I was on my way to India to seek divine enlightenment when I met Ernesto,

who had divine abs, and an upgrade to first class. So naturally, I decided to

fly to Mexico with him and said, how am I doing on time? 1 .45.

Okay. Stuff happens, stuff happens, stuff happens. The next thing I know,

the back of the chicken truck in the middle of Mexico.

Mexico? Why didn't you call?

How was I supposed to dial the phone? You know I don't read Mexican numbers.

30 seconds. Wrap it up, duds.

Okay, so long story short, he sneaked me in his trunk across the border into

Colorado and the good old U .S. of A.

Time. Yes!

Colorado?

Colorado doesn't border Mexico.

Well, I know that. I wasn't in the old Mexico.

I was in the new Mexico.

Faith.

New Mexico. Mexico is part of the United States.

It is?

Look, what does it matter what Mexico I was in? The point is, I had a

revolution.

You were right.

I am selfish.

And Charlie, I have taken advantage of your generosity.

So now it's time for me to put out or shut up. Faith.

No, no.

I realize that I'm not getting back to Hollywood anytime soon.

I have to face reality.

I have to get a job and make my life here in Glen Falls.

But I need your help to do that.

And I don't have anywhere else to go.

Please.

Did you hear that, Charlie?

Maybe she did have a revolution.

Okay, Hope.

But Faith, I'm telling you, if you screw up one more time, you're out.

Thank you, Charlie.

Now, I have a question.

Is New England also part of the United States?

Yes. New Jersey? Yes. New York? Yes.

New Montana? No. I knew that one.

Take a load off.

How was your day?

Here are your slippers and a nice cold beer. Oh, and here's the new oral

monthly. Did you know this magazine's about teeth?

Oh, and here's your pipe.

She has been amazing all day. She did the laundry, cleaned the house.

in the toilet paper?

Cheese starch. So be careful.

Dinner's ready.

Come on, folks. Ring -a -ding -ding.

He saw an A &E biography on Sinatra, and he's become... Obsessed?

A little bit.

Oh, my God, a belly ring.

Like it? Love it. Love? No.

Fine. I won't get my belly button, Peter. or your nose, or your eyebrows.

Nipple?

I'm just kidding.

Unless it's okay.

Faye, this chicken is delicious. What is your secret?

I just followed the recipe. It's amazing what two tibbles of paprika and a

quarter elb of butter will do.

I'd like to make it toast.

Hey, I didn't think you could do it, but you seem to have come back here a

changed woman.

Well, I did lose five elves.

All right, well, I was going to save my big surprise for after dinner, but I

can't wait.

I spent four hours this afternoon watching someone 62 men condition in

You did?

Go check it out.

of scouring powder.

Oh my God!

And I had to use all of these thingies for the chrome.

Oh my God!

Boy, my arm sure is sore, but it is so worth it. Listen to how happy he is.

It doesn't matter if she meant to. She had a last straw. And if I was a camel,

then she broke it.

My straw.

She's out of here.

You can't just throw her out on the street.

She's my sister.

Well, I'm your husband.

Don't make me choose.

You choose all the time.

And you always choose Faith.

I can't believe you, Sidney.

Speaking off to the mall when you were supposed to be at the library. You know,

the old Faith may have been impressed by your cunning deception, but the new

Faith is on probation, and you could have gotten her into a lot of trouble.

Now apologize to new Faith.

And then show old Faith what you got.

Your brother's going to kill me.

You're not going to tell her, are you?

Button it, Mumbles.

Look, I promised I'd be more responsible, which means I have to tell

mother. I am sorry, Sydney.

Oh, good, Hope.

I've got to tell you something. No.

I need to tell you something.

I finally calmed Charlie down, but I can't keep making excuses for you.

All right, you're right. From now on, we'll come up with them together. I mean

it, Faith.

Are we clear?

Perfectly.

Now, what do you want to tell me?

Just that I am so proud of this little girl here.

They like her so much at that library.

They let her borrow some of the books.

So, Sydney, you feel good about your test?

What? Cat got your tongue? Her tongue is fine.

Nothing wrong with her tongue. Get off her back! Woman.

Fine.

I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Thank you, Aunt Faith.

All right.

Here's the story.

You were kidnapped from the library parking lot by a mysterious man with a

parrot and a piercing gun.

What? Too far -fetched?

Well, it sounds a little filthy. Oh, does that sound a little silly, Bella?

Does that sound silly?

All right, fine.

I got a better idea.

We'll go back to the mall first thing in the morning and get whoever put that

thing in to take it out, all right?

In the meantime, I want you to say, I thought I saw a pussycat.

I thought I saw a pussycat.

Now say, Sally sells seashells by the seashore.

I need you in the bathroom.

Now. What is so important?

It's 3 a .m.

What's going on?

Promise you won't get mad. I'm already mad. Promise you won't get madder. I'm

already madder.

Okay, forget it. Go back to bed.

Faith!

What did I tell you? You said no eyeball nose with Eliasson.

What?

When did this happen?

At the mall.

Mom, it really hurts.

Stick out your tongue.

Faith, I can't believe you took Sydney to the mall to get her tongue pierced. I

didn't. I took her to the library. She snuck off to the mall while I was

a lip wax.

And let that be a gentle reminder to you.

Why didn't you tell me? I just did, Tom Selleck.

Oh.

It's swollen.

It's pinching. I'm going to go get your dad. No, you can't do that. He'll blame

everything on me. Please, can't we just take it out ourselves?

All right.

Ow, ow, ow. God, you're hurting me.

Let's just disinfect it first. Faith, go get the peroxide.

What are you doing in here?

Showering. What else would I be doing in the shower?

Why isn't the water on?

It is on.

You know, uh,

I could use a shower myself.

No, you couldn't. You still could.

Yeah, but I'm feeling very dirty.

What was that?

Excellent.

I'll see you in our shower.

What's wrong with this one?

Oh, this is the kids' bathroom.

So, we've done it in their rooms.

This will get you in the mood.

Oh, God!

There.

It's out.

Oh, thank God.

Here. Rinse with this.

You know, this was so painful and such a huge mistake that I think we can all

agree that this was punishment enough, and I've learned my lesson.

Nice try.

Grounded for two weeks. Now go up there.

And as for you... I think seeing my

sister's husband naked...

big mistake that we can all agree on. Shut your mouth.

Okay, fine. I'm grounded for two weeks.

Hope?

Charlie.

It's not Faith's fault Sydney snuck off to the mall and got her tongue pierced.

No, but it is her fault that she covered for her and didn't tell us.

Sydney's tongue could have gotten infected.

Faith, Charlie's right.

Covering for Sidney doesn't do her any good.

She has to start taking responsibility for her actions.

You know, Hope, I could say the same thing to you.

You cover for Faith all the time.

She never takes responsibility for her actions.

It's got you there, Hope.

We had an agreement.

Yeah, but I don't think this one counts.

Oh, that's right.

It never counts with your sister.

Yeah. I guess you don't just choose Faith over me.

Choose her over your kids, too.

Well,

of course you choose me. We're sisters.

I was here before any of them.

Faith, you have to go.

No, I'm good. I went in the shower.

You have to move out.

Out?

Out, out?

Out, out.

Okay.

Well, fine.

You don't have to tell me twice.

But just so I'm clear, out, out?

I'm sorry, Faith.

But I have to put my family first.

Funny.

I thought I was her family.

Justin.

Sorry.

Frank.

We've been through a lot, you and I.

Don't tell the girls, but you were always my favorite.

Haley.

Sweet Haley.

You have curly hair.

Sydney.

Keep in touch, but don't hound me.

Ah, Charles.

My worthy opponent.

Touché, my friend.

Touché.

Call me when you get settled.

I'm sorry.

I thought I heard something that sounded like my sister.

But that's not possible because my sister is dead.

I don't think she meant that.