Original subtitles

Cooper!

Who paints a room pink?

Hey, wait.

Don't look at me like that.

You're the one that's going to have to shit that out later.

Piece of cake.

Jesus Christ.

Doorbell needs fixing.

Urban?

What brings you out to the suburbs?

Change of scenery.

My wife and I got a baby on the way, and this guy needed a yard. Thought a

little bit of elbow room would do everybody some good.

Family's good.

Dirt's good.

Kids can't grow up right without some mud on their jeans and a frog in their

pocket.

What about you? Do you live around here?

Since 84.

Long enough to see my fair share of things come and go.

So you're a nun?

Good Lord.

I remember Chicago being more progressive than that.

We're Protestant.

I'm the pastor.

I apologize. I should have known. My wife and I aren't very religious. Don't

sweat it, Flick.

We're more laid back out here.

And my door is always open.

If you care to learn more.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, great. Look at this place.

Did you just wake up?

Hey, how's the little kicker doing?

Say hi to daddy.

Hey, little pumpkin head.

Oh,

come on, babe. You've seen the size of your belly.

That's the only explanation.

So what's on the agenda today? How's the schedule?

Ooh, this schedule feels great. I will finish this room as soon as I'm on the

phone with you, and I'll move on to the kitchen in the afternoon.

So what, like painting, banding, repairing that giant gaping hole?

Ugh. Are you sure you don't want me to call in some pros, Don?

This is a lot of work.

No, we're not calling anybody. I got this.

How could I sleep at night knowing some other jerk would build your castle?

There's piles of junk all over this place. Please don't be paranoid.

I trust you.

Shit, I gotta go. I've got, um, team's proposals at 10. Anyway, I'll call you

tonight, okay?

Love you.

Mwah.

Mwah.

Bye.

So once you get your drywall sized, you want to just check by hand to see where

does the drywall give in. Now, Luckily, it's only a small section.

Enough!

Piece of spit -thrill motherfucker!

How's it going, Mr. Coke?

Change of pace, huh?

Something like that.

How's a guy like you planning to survive out here?

I'll figure it out.

Can't imagine there's much of a nightlife.

No fancy supper clubs.

No strippers to woo clients with. There's plenty of strippers. I just

any clients left to woo.

True.

Which begs the question, how exactly can you afford this place?

Good old Liz.

Yeah, I like her.

Smart woman.

How is she accepting this change?

She will keep her company running, and she'll commute once the baby's born.

It's not like our life's over.

It's just... it's maturing.

Better be, Don.

Feds cut you one hell of a sweetheart deal, all things considered.

Be ashamed if you fucked it all up again.

Is that it?

Yeah. That's the last of it.

That's a beautiful church.

You're going to be okay.

Don't shit in the house.

Goddamn machine likes to eat balls.

You hungry or thirsty?

Both.

Cocktails I have some control over.

Food can be hit or miss.

Well, let's start with a drink then.

Smart man.

It's not bad.

I'll quote you in the next ad.

So, uh, are you visiting or lost?

Resident. I, uh, just bought the house in Salt and Circle.

What?

You queer.

Excuse me?

It's a simple question.

Yeah, I'm about to have a kid. What kind of a question is that? Easy, Don. Gay

people can have kids, too.

Nothing wrong with that.

I know that. I... I'm happily married.

Of course you are.

I'm sorry.

That house just seems to be bad news for straight men.

But I'm sure you'll be fine.

How about a shot?

You got a real fucked up way of welcoming people to the neighborhood,

Cooper! Cooper?

Shit!

You really suck, you know that?

Great. I got a ton done today. I'm feeling positive about it.

That's wonderful, babe.

How's the kitchen shaping up?

Well, I actually didn't make it into the kitchen today, but it is the first

thing on tomorrow's list.

Are you sure you don't need some extra hands, babe?

I'm sure, Bunny.

Everything's going fine.

Don't forget Milo's coming up this weekend.

But if you want to help, you can do me a favor right now.

Just tilt that phone down to those beautiful boobs one more time.

Hey, hey!

That looks horrific.

Old pipes.

They don't look so old.

Can I help you with something?

I just like it here.

What? The house.

It's usually empty.

Oh, well, I bought it, so it's not empty anymore.

Hmm. Same.

I'd better get back inside.

Sure. No problem.

See you around.

Still smoke, Dad?

And in here, we will change this wallpaper to something a lot less

Who's we?

My wife and I.

Are you sure?

It's very retro.

You might end up regretting it.

Well, I'll let you know if we lose any sleep over it.

A man who never second guesses himself, huh?

What's this?

Oh, this.

This is retro.

A tiny closet?

Please tell me you guys are keeping this.

Entire reason I bought the house.

You have great taste.

What's in here?

White? Oh, you got me. The wife picked it out. I think it was called French

Vanilla or something like that. It's supposed to be next year's trendy color.

Anything else you want to show me?

Will you do me a favor?

What's that?

Choke me.

This dress looked better on the floor.

That was even better than I hoped for.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

I earned that.

I know. Oh, check this out.

Bleachers? Hey, maybe they heard about how hot our sex life is and had them

installed, huh?

You were here, too. These weren't...

Why?

What's she going to do? They're here.

Funny.

Bunny, relax, okay? This is an easy fix. It's probably just a shoddy patch, all

right? No structural damage. Me and Milo can tackle this no problem. So trust

me, okay?

I trust you, babe. I just don't want you to bite on more than you can chew.

I could have got a dumpster.

What you doing?

You know me.

I'm just working hard, cranking away.

Sounds fun.

Want some help?

Nah.

Doing a bunch of heavy lifting in here. I got this.

Okay.

Look, last night, it was super hot, but...

We shouldn't. You know, I gotta get this place tip -top before the wife and baby

get here, and there's still, like, a laundry list of things to do.

True, but that's later.

What about right now?

I can't. I'm sure you understand.

Sure.

I understand.

Hey, tiger.

Jesus.

It's Saturday, idiot.

Nice doorbell.

Well, that's certainly creepy.

You don't know the half of it.

Did you freaks pay extra for that feature?

Shut up, Dick. We didn't know this was there. I don't know, man.

Turn the attic into a guest room.

Airbnb it. Charge a fortune to watch.

This is gone by the weekend, and there's not going to be a wife left to watch.

Well, for the sake of your kid, we better get to work.

Where are your tools?

Right there.

That's it?

You plan to renovate an entire house with a Swiss Army knife?

What is that, not enough?

No.

You good? Yeah.

All right, here we go.

How's the firm, anyway?

Shit. New regulations got us by the balls.

You got out at the right time.

Maybe not gracefully, but, you know.

You still making money, at least?

Not as much. I have to work twice as hard for it.

Need to find a Liz for myself.

That's a bad idea if you, uh, are afraid of hard work.

Motherfucker, you don't see me holding the other side of this heavy -ass

above my head?

Free of charge, I might add.

Hey, listen, all the money I made you, a couple hours gratis, isn't too much to

ask.

I do have a pretty nice house.

What's next?

The Applebee's?

You mean this modest motherfucker didn't tell you? He basically ran Chicago.

King Don, we called him.

I had a good run.

Whoa. You traded a penthouse for a whorehouse?

That might officially make you the craziest man in town.

Wait. What?

Oh, he didn't tell you?

King Don is the proud owner of... Portsmouth's former house of ill repute.

was over a hundred years ago. You might explain some things, though.

Speaking of pleasure, a little light on options in here, isn't it? You moved to

the suburbs to start a family.

Or because everyone thinks you're an asshole.

Right, because you're an asshole.

Certainly there's a college around here, right? I saw one or two cute girls

walking around earlier. No college, but...

Gwen Martin will be in later.

Oh, who's Gwen Martin? She runs an erotic pottery class.

She's a feminist.

That's great.

I'm a feminist.

Me too, son.

Promise me you won't say a word to Liz about last night.

I swore to her I wouldn't drink.

Bro code, bro.

Hey, man.

My head's killing me. I need coffee. You want some?

Your assistant already brewed a pot.

Morning, Don.

I stopped by.

Milo let me in.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Are you kidding me?

All right, let's get something straight.

This is my life.

Sarah. My name is Sarah.

Great, Sarah.

Look, I'm not fucking around right now.

It was a fun night. Don't get me wrong.

But I don't ever want to see you here in my house ever again. You understand me?

Sure, man.

All good in here?

What the fuck was that?

Nothing. Nothing. Don't worry about it.

Come on. Don't bullshit me, Don. What did you do? I didn't do anything, okay?

You're overreacting. You're standing there threatening a woman and I'm

overreacting?

All right, look, between you and me, I fucked up, all right?

I didn't go looking for it. I didn't ask for it. I didn't even really want it.

It just happened.

She came back. I explained to her it was a mistake. It's not going to be a

problem. Can we just go to the hardware store? How many times are you going to

fuck up until you get a clue?

Liz is pregnant.

That's your blood, and you're out here trying to recapture your glory days

she's busting ass to keep a roof over your head?

She's my friend, dude.

How am I supposed to look her in the eye now? Liz doesn't need to find out,

okay? Everything's going to be fine.

When are you going to start thinking about someone other than yourself?

Oh, fuck. It is what it is, Milo, okay?

If you can't handle it, don't be here when I come back.

Cooper!

You like my trick?

Sarah, are you crazy? I almost fucked you up. I'm just playing.

Look, I'm sorry Don's such an asshole, but you need to get out of here.

Well, that's no fun.

You want to help me?

What?

All right, Dick.

You can come out now.

It was a killer weekend, bud. We got a con done.

Did Milo have fun or did you just work him to death? He wanted to work the

time. Check this out.

Wow.

I'm seriously impressed, Tiger. I told you not to worry.

What was that?

What? I just saw something behind you.

What are you talking about?

He had to head back to work.

Are you sure?

I don't know. I thought I saw someone. Now I'm getting freaked out.

Well, you're not the one who has to sleep here tonight, Bonnie.

Check all this out.

Well, it's great.

Babe, if somebody else was in here, Cooper would be going crazy right now.

The Queen.

You want I should sleep with a hammer into my pillow tonight just in case? You

probably better.

I don't want to have to kill someone when I get there.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm just getting tired, babe.

Well, rest up, okay, babe? I'll call you tomorrow.

How's it going, Don?

You want to talk about it?

Nothing to talk about.

Let's start with the house.

How's she coming along?

Fine.

Fine.

You know, when a woman gets to be a certain age, she doesn't like to be

with too much.

Houses aren't that different, I guess.

It's been hard.

I bet.

This house is a bitch.

What's that mean?

It's just that certain places have personalities and sometimes they're

Takes a real strong hand to turn them around again.

Triumph.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under triumph.

Amen.

Cooper.

Sarah. Sarah, yeah.

No last name.

Well, I imagine she has one, but I didn't check her ID, okay?

She lives in the neighborhood. She won't stop fucking with me.

Look.

And?

And?

You see the dog, right? You think he jumped into the goddamn dryer by

Did he turn it on, too?

Come on, man. It was her.

Milo, call me back.

Look, I put the name and the description in my report, but there's no signs of

forced entry, no evidence of a struggle, and you were sleeping upstairs the

whole time and didn't hear a thing.

Oh, great. Well, thank you for your service. This is your idea of law

enforcement? You just poked your head in here and you shrugged your shoulders

like a dipshit. You didn't do anything.

Please, let us know if anything else comes up.

King Don.

I hate what you've done with the place.

I'm sorry.

For what?

I'm sorry for not being honest from the start.

I'm sorry for treating you unfairly.

I'm sorry for making you feel

Most of all, I'm sorry for threatening you.

Wow.

Did you rehearse that?

I deserve that, but no.

I mean it. I'm sorry. I understand why you feel so angry.

Well, it's not a very nice way to treat someone, Don.

I hope you treat your wife and kid better than this.

I love my wife.

And I wish I was stronger.

To make all this up to you, I got you something.

A gift from a married man.

Sounds a lot like a bribe.

If you're interested, it's in the kitchen.

I appreciate the apology, Don.

I don't want things to get any uglier.

Hey, Bunny.

Hey, Tiger. What you doing?

Oh, just working.

So I got a text from Milo.

Oh, yeah? That was kind of weird. He said we needed to talk.

Any idea why?

No, I have no clue, babe.

Don't just be honest with me. Look, is the renovation in trouble? Is that what

it is?

Did he see some things that he thinks I should know about?

No.

Calm down.

Everything is fine, Liz.

Are you going to throw this in my face now?

I have no idea why Milo called you, but please, by all means, call him. Find

out.

I'm busy. I want to get back to work.

Sarah!

voicemail of officer henry baker of the portsmouth police department please see

your name number

Absolutely not.

Jesus, Don. No drop cloth?

I'm so, so sorry.

I'm sorry, can I help you?

I didn't mean to frighten you. My name's Sarah.

I've been helping Don.

Helping Don? I'm sorry, what does that mean exactly?

You know, getting the house ready for you.

Because you're a carpenter?

No, ma 'am. More like a gopher.

Drive all screws, boss?

Sure thing.

I'm an architecture nut.

Don couldn't say no.

No, that definitely isn't his strong suit.

How long?

I'm sorry?

Your baby.

How long till she's due?

Uh, 12 weeks. If she's anything like me, she'll be on time. If she's like her

father, much later.

May I?

Oh, I don't think so.

Someone's here.

Mrs. Koch.

Yes? I'm Ellie Mueller.

Can we talk?

Let me guess, you're the plumber?

Uh, no.

Arlen and I work across the street.

But I do deal with a lot of people's shit.

That's right. Dawn did mention you. Sorry. Would you like to come in?

Why don't we chat outside instead?

Okay. Sure. Just give me a sec, okay?

Hey, sorry to be rude, but, um...

Hello? So how's Don doing?

He looks tired, but he's a workhorse.

Where is he now?

Not really sure. He must have just taken the dog for a run.

I should have called first, but I wanted to surprise him.

Would you say it's a good marriage?

I'm sorry?

This house has a history of...

Bringing out the worst in people. I just wanted to make sure you two were

prepared for that.

Right. Well, it clearly needs a lot of work, but it's not that bad. I'm sure

we'll manage.

You never really know until you start tearing a place up, though.

Well,

thank you for your concern, really.

But Don and I have been through much worse, so we'll be fine.

I am not creeped out by this house one bit.

I am in complete control of my emotions.

Just like Beyonce.

Oh, Christ.

This.

Hi. I'm worried.

My husband is a fuck -up.

Well, you're not the first woman to say that about her husband.

No.

I don't mean he leaves the toilet seat up.

He defrauded his clients out of their retirement funds.

He barely avoided 15 years in federal prison.

He cheated on me while I was trying to get pregnant.

And he insists that buying this house was our second chance.

So, yeah.

So why'd you stay?

Alternatives seemed worse.

Life is a series of choices.

Cause and effect.

Sounds like Don hasn't learned that dynamic yet.

I'm just scared.

I'm scared he's drinking again. He's probably drunk right now.

I think this house just pushed him right over the edge.

This house has a habit of testing men.

I've met families who have lived there happily for years, and others...

Who never make it a home?

The difference seems to come down to the character and determination of the

people moving in.

Well, we're screwed then.

So what's the plan?

I don't know. Wait for him to come home.

Sober up.

And then have a long, honest talk about our future.

You're a brave woman, Liz.

You want my advice?

Get your husband and your baby far away from that house.

Uh, Yuki?

Dawn?

Dawn!

Jesus.

Welcome home.

What the fuck is going on here?

A party.

Where is my husband?

Upstairs, I think.

Cocktail?

Fuck off.

Don?

Don!

Don!

Joining?

No.

The show's already started. Go upstairs.

That's my girl.

The male performers wore costumes because the owner felt the mix of erotic

grotesque heightened the experience.

He was right.

We were popular and the money flowed in.

Some nights we'd work until dawn.

It was too busy to keep an eye on everyone, even the innocent ones, even

-so -innocent.

He played with her for months and then killed her, dumping her body at the

tracks, and the world moved on.

Well, some of the world did.

When he killed me, my body never left the house.

I was a star, loved by the men who came through our doors.

But not one of them questioned my disappearance.

All men really love is the power you give them.

I'm so sorry.

I couldn't get them home.

What happened to you? What happened?

I don't know what the fuck is going on in this house, but we've got to get out

of here right now.

That's not that easy.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

I felt so small. I just wanted to be the man one more time.

You understand that, don't you, Bunny?

No.

I don't.

Bunny!

I promise I can change. I promise it'll be different.

Bunny, look at me. Bunny.

You just have to say that you understand and that it's okay.

Please.

It's not okay.

I can change, Liz!

Not sure we're going to make it there at the end.

You did good.

I'd offer you some, but it isn't the 70s anymore.

You knew?

Yeah.

I watch this house, and it watches mine.

Why the fuck didn't you warn us?

Life is a series of choices, Liz.

You can't talk someone into doing the right thing or the wrong thing.

I couldn't keep someone out of this house any more than those girls inside

keep someone out of mine.

They need to lay the options out and see what they choose.

A test.

Exactly.

Well, it seems like a pretty shitty game.

It is, kiddo.

But I didn't make the rules.

Hello, my little angel.

You don't want to sleep at all, do you?

After your nap, we're gonna go to the park.

that