All language subtitles for James.Acaster.Make.A.New.Tomorrow.2021.1080p

That's what I was like as a kid,
if I got any sort of freedom,

I just went cra... haywire.

Especially when it came to drinks.

When my parents started letting me
make myself a glass of squash,

all bets were off, it was awful.

I can't really remember the exact age.

My mum made me squashes for a long time.

She was like in charge
of making the squash.

And then eventually I got...
I don't know what the age...

What's the normal age to start
making your own squash?

What's the...?

Seven?

I'm saying seven.

Someone said ten there,
and that was tragic.

Two reasons it was tragic.

One, as the rest of you
quite rightfully read,

hypothetical question.

Wasn't looking for a response
from any of you.

Volunteers here anyway.
Can't figure out how the show works.

Secondly, ten...

is way too old.

To still have your mum making you
a squash when you're ten...

Assume, when you shouted that out,

you had to briefly pop
a nipple out of your mouth.

Ten, I think.

Thank you, Mother.

Tragic.

I'm saying seven, mate.

I think seven is fine.

If I saw a six-year-old
making their own squash,

I'd be like,
"Who's this man about town?"

"What?"

"He's grown up fast, this one,
making himself a squash."

If I saw an eight-year-old having
their mum make them a squash...

I'm gonna bully that kid.

I'm gonna bully that kid
the first chance I get.

I'm gonna walk over
as she's handing him the cup.

You both need to grow up,
this is pathetic.

I'm gonna say about seven.

My mum was making me squash
for years, and look, she ain't here,

we can slag her off.

That squash was shit.

I'm not exaggerating.

I'm pulling no punches on this.

Weak. It was weak.

It was weak.

And look, let's face it.

It's hardly a complicated recipe, Mum.

When you're making a squash,
it has two components.

Just get the ratios right,
that's all you gotta do.

The weakest squash.

She'd turn round from the tap.

I'd be watching her like an eagle
from across the kitchen.

"Please be a good one this time."

"Please be the kind
I've always imagined my whole life."

She turns round...
I've got to squint at the glass.

That's got a vague
orange tint to it, I suppose.

When I drink it, I'll try and imagine
what that colour tastes like as a flavour.

At least I'm using my imagination.

Always on the walk back
from the sink to where I was sitting,

my mum would always just like
have a swig for herself.

That's my squash.

Walking back, she'd have a swig.

I'm sitting there, "Whoa, whoa, Mum,
it's already diluted enough

without you backwashing into it."

"I wouldn't accept this from a waiter,
I'm not accepting it from you, Diane."

Then I'd go round some other kid's house.

His parents were a bit more laissez-faire.

Let me tell ya,
that squash knocked my socks off.

I wasn't prepared for it.

I had spirals in my eyes
like a cartoon character.

Whoa! Turning to my friend,

"Do you access this squash on the daily?"

"Yeah, but my parents
don't talk to me much."

"I wish they paid me more attention."

"I would trade it all in a heartbeat."

"I would break free from
my mother's loving arms for good

for one sip of this squash."

"Tell your dad
I'm his friend now, not yours."

When my mum made me squash,

it was 99 parts water to one part cordial.

I'm being generous there, I think.

And when she handed over
the keys to me, my oh, my...

if those ratios didn't flip round
pretty damn sharpish.

So much cordial in there,
I was free-pouring it in.

Just a solid matte finish to the glass.
No light was...

It was a solid purple, even if it was
orange squash, it were purple.

It tasted disgusting,
but it's the price of freedom sometimes.

You... get your independence,
you're gonna make a few mistakes.

I had to make squash again recently
for the first time in a long time.

I haven't made squash
since I lived with my parents.

Cos I'm an adult.

I don't live with my mum and dad anymore
and I don't have kids,

so I don't have squash in the house.

Update for some of you.

That's normal, by the way.

And I know...

I know my audience.

I know a lot of you
just had your feelings hurt.

A parade of absolute dorks
coming in here tonight.

The way some of you are sitting there.

"Oh, I'm an adult,
and I have squash in the house."

Yeah, and you also got heads
in the freezer and bodies in the walls.

I don't trust a single one of ya
not coming round your house

for a glass of summer fruits,
you can forget about it.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

A grown-up!

Getting back from like a job,
like a grown-up job.

Still got your tie on, some of you,
making a squash in your kitchen.

There's no way you don't hum
while you do it, either.

That hum, as well,
the most basic hum of them all.

Not an original thought
in your stupid head.

Then you got to run the tap.

You gotta run it for a little bit cos
you don't want warm squash, do ya?

Really, really letting go your dignity
and testing the stream with your hand.

Testing the temperature of it. "Oh...

is this hot enough yet?"

"I want it cold for my squash."

Soaking wet hand.

I hope this squash
is delicious and worth it.

I would sooner get home,
turn the tap on,

shove my hand underneath it
and just drip the drops off of that.

I'd feel better about myself
than if I was to make a squash

as an adult with no kids running round.

I had to make it recently for my nephew.

And I was out of practice.
I was still as bad as I've ever been.

Cos what you should do
if you're making a squash, really,

is look at the glass side on
so you get an idea

of how much cordial
you're putting in there.

Cos it's a good viewpoint,
good bit of perspective.

I still just walk all the way up
to the table, so it's like here.

I look straight down
to the flat circle of a glass.

Do a bit of guesswork.
Brought it up to the tap.

I damn near gave that kid Type II.

It was a fruity treacle
I was handing over to him.

Bouncing off the walls.

Mainly, cos also, I didn't know this,
it was double-strength squash,

which I didn't know.

I'd been out of the game for too long,
I didn't know this existed.

I didn't know that you dorks
were asking for that.

Queuing up. "Excuse me."

"I'd like to halve the amount of time
it takes me to do this, please."

"So you'd better invent
double strength squash,

or half-strength water, ASAP."

Make a new tomorrow

Make a new tomorrow

We only need to share

True love and understanding

1999 was the best year of my life, though.

Pretty easily
was the best year of my life.

A lot of good stuff happened.

Out of any year in my life, this is
when I felt most connected to people.

I want to talk about connections tonight,
not all division and stuff like that.

When I saw that eclipse,
I remember we were all in a field.

So hundreds of people, just strangers,
all sitting on the grass,

just looking up at this eclipse...

I don't think I've ever felt so connected
to as many strangers in my life.

Just amazing.

It was still and quiet...

It's hard to describe it to people
who weren't there

without using words like "twas"
and stuff like that

with Shakespearean character
out of nowhere, but...

It was emotional, you know?

Like proper... like my mum cried.

We made fun of her.

Because she cries.

Made fun of her immediately.
But that's because I was...

I wouldn't do that now,
but as a teenager,

if your mum's crying at a film
in the living room,

you're calling your siblings in
from other rooms of the house,

"She's crying again,
come have a look!"

"As soon as they put the bobsled
on their shoulders, she started to cry."

"Someone's got feelings, Diane."

"In floods."

"She's in floods right now."

It's emotional.

Everyone was looking at that eclipse

trying to burn it into their memory.

Things felt important then.

I might never see this again.
I better remember it.

Now, you know what I'm gonna say.

If there's an eclipse these days,

half the people will just be
filming it on their phones

and the other half will be looking
at those people, going,

"Hmm, not living in the moment",
and spoil it for themselves that way.

We all go home, no one saw the eclipse.
Good job, everyone.

Good eclipse, everybody.

Nice day out
for the judgementals and the idiots.

We miss that.

Being in a group and feeling
connected as part of a group,

like... I don't feel that now.

I think mainly cos like
I'm never in an audience these days.

I was in an audience a lot that year.

Now, my job is this.
I'm on stage all the time.

And you guys are the ones who get to...

I can only imagine
how incredible it must feel...

to be in an audience at one of my shows.

Sit there and hear your own thoughts
articulated back to you

in a way that you couldn't possibly
hope to achieve yourself.

It's special, and not everyone has it.

Manchester United won the Treble in 1999.

For anyone watching at home

who wasn't aware
of what kind of comedian I am,

there's my demographic.

A few whoops.

Two half-hearted boos.

And everyone else sitting there going,
"We did not come here for football chat."

"That's not why we come and see you."

"We do not like football."

I'm aware that my audience
I've worked on for years and years

are people who do not like football.

Some of you might even look down on it.

When you hear about people
liking football,

you're like, "Oh, how pathetic."

"Are you an adult? Are you getting
all upset over a game?"

"It's just a game, you know."

"You're all sad about a little game."

And that's all fine.

Oh, yeah, have a go at them.

Let me remind you, for fun,
you like to do this.

Doesn't make you better.

"Oh, well, what I like to do, I don't like
to go and watch people do a game."

"I'm an adult. What I like to do, I just
sit in a room and just watch someone

and feel anxious and hope...

and really invest a lot in their success
and hoping they do well."

"And panic, oh, hope
they're gonna be funny."

"I feel so worried."

"That's what I like to do for fun."

"I'm a grown-up."

I started supporting
Manchester United when I was seven.

And all the other kids in my class
got really angry at me straightaway.

"He's a glory supporter, Acaster,
that's all you are."

"You're a glory supporter."

"You've never even been to Manchester."

"You're only supporting them cos
they're gonna win all the time."

"You come from Kettering,
you goddamn glory supporter."

"You're just a glory supporter."

I was like, "Yeah, you know
what else I am? A child."

"Can I choose happiness, please?
I'm seven."

I'm a kid, I'm gonna choose
ice cream over olives

every single day of the week.

I'm not gonna...
resign myself to a lifetime

of disappointment and anger immediately.

I'm an infant.

Some kids did, though.

Some kids... some little kids...

chose to support a football team
that would never ever win

cos their dad told them
it was good to be loyal.

"You learn a thing or two
about loyalty, son."

"OK, cool, I'm a toddler."

Actually, you gotta respect some
of the people who have done that.

You dedicate yourself to a team
that never wins

and season after season, you're just
disappointed every single time.

But I couldn't do that.

I've watched like, you know,
TV dramas in box sets.

If the first season's not great...

done.

Doesn't have to factor
into my existence ever again.

I definitely wouldn't get
to the end of a drama, season one...

think, "That was disappointing."

"Well...

but I dedicate my entire life to it."

"Gonna watch every single season of this,
and at the end of each season."

I'll always be there going,
"Oh, I really hoped this time that...

you really work on the cast
and the characters and...

for the script to be better,
better storyline or...

thought by now they would have flushed out
all the racism and homophobia."

"That doesn't seem to have happened."

"But I guess I'm just gonna
watch this forever,

and if anyone else tells me it's rubbish,
I'll hit them in the face."

To beat someone up if they say it's bad.

I love Man United.

Uh, Man United,
that's what the fans call them.

Same here.

You square-a-zoids wouldn't know that.

Manchester United is like
the name that you'll know them by.

Um...

The fans call them Man United or...
if you're a hardcore fan, Man U.

Call them Man U and that's
so we can talk about them in public

without you guys knowing
what we're talking about.

"Did you see Man U last night?"
And you guys are there like,

"What are they talking about?"

You won't know.

I liked them,
they're called the Red Devils,

and their mascot was Fred the Red,
who by all accounts was a demon.

And that is pretty rebellious
when you're a little Christian boy.

I loved Fred the Red.

A demon, that is a ballsy move
for Man United.

Most mascots, they're just
a bunch of animals, like fluffy animals,

and they come out and they're all jolly.

Man United went
for a minion of the antichrist.

All the other mascots,
they're dancing by the side-lines,

you know, keeping up morale
and stuff like that.

Fred the Red, you've all seen him,
the whole game, he's on the side-lines,

the whole matches,
steadily torturing sinners, isn't he?

Just feeding an away fan
through a Victorian mangle.

"He was an adulterer!"

"You'll burn in hell forever!"

"That's a foul, that's a foul?'

"Turn it down, Fred the Red,
this is a youth game."

"Not gonna tell you again."

"Stop spitting acid
in the eyes of the linesman."

"Fifth time this week, and I don't want
to talk to you about it again."

That Treble was great.

I watched them win the Treble in a pub.

Me and my dad went to watch
the European Champions League Final

in a little pub
round the corner from my house.

Fourteen years old, that's a big moment
going to the pub with your old man

to watch the TV.

Pub was full of people.

We're all really excited,
singing all the football chants.

We love football!

And you better know

We're gonna win tonight for sure

You...

If you try and win
You're gonna be disappointed cos...

We're the ones who are gonna win
I think you'll find

Look up "winning" in the dictionary

A picture of us, a picture of our team

We are gonna make you cry

Uh, you have emotions

About this game

And... no boots, boots, boot
On our feet, feet, feet

Kicking the ball

And eat, eat, eat

Eat a pie and throw it in the trash

If you don't wanna eat that pie,
It's up to you

Do not criticise our team

It will hurt our collective feelings

You can...

Go and score a goal

Against another team
But please not our team

Really excited about the football, right?

But, within the first five minutes,
Bayern Munich scored.

They're the baddies, right?

They're the opposition team.

They scored within five minutes,
and then everyone felt sad in the pub.

Like everyone feeling sad.

And it was, again,
this was before smartphones,

so everyone just had to feel sad.

And to sit in that sadness together
and just be sad with it.

It was sad like that for the whole game.

Just sitting there
feeling sad for 90 minutes.

Then, at the last minute of injury time,

they brought on Teddy Sheringham.

Now, if you don't know Teddy Sheringham,
he was so old.

It was old man Sheringham.

He was so... I've Googled him recently.

Apparently back then
he was the age that I am now.

But he just seemed
like a codger and a half.

Just such an old, old man
with his head rolling around his neck,

couldn't support it anymore,
with his tortoise face.

Going on, really old man Sheringham.

And when he came on, all of us fans,
we were like, "Oh, no."

"Oh, no, we're already gonna lose."

"Now, it's the most undignified
thing in the world."

"We're gonna lose
and Sheringham was gonna fucking die."

He'll die on the pitch,
gonna keel over and just die.

And Fred the Red's gonna rush the pitch
and suck his soul out of his arsehole

and spew it into hell.

"I've been waiting for this moment
a long time, Sheringham."

"Been eying you up
in the locker room, you old man."

Sheringham's screaming.

Really worried.

Here's the thing, though.

This is the moral of the show, I guess.

Sometimes old men surprise ya.

Old man Sheringham scored a goal

in like the last minute of injury time.

Everyone just went
from being sad to on our feet.

Electricity's passing through us,
we're so happy.

Then , within another minute,
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer scored the winner.

We went berserk.

My dad says
that he saw people in that pub

act in ways they've never acted
before or since, never seen it.

One guy, he started
jumping around the pub,

but not like jumping around
like normal jumping like this.

He jumped around with his feet together
like he was in a sack race,

just going.

Yes! And...

Let me tell ya, yeah!

That man was me.

I don't say it at the start, because...

it's embarrassing.

But I did it. I don't remember doing it.
I've got no memory of it.

He said I jumped around while
my shoelaces were tied together,

like I was a kangaroo, just around...

There's another guy,
a little old boy, a little postie.

He used to sit there, bald man,
he sat in his chair.

He never spoke to anyone, every single
night of the week sit there with a beer.

When that second goal went in,
he got up and he marched around his table

like this.

Wouldn't stop lapping it.

People were so happy.
My dad bought me a cocktail.

Still one of my favourite cocktails.

Have you heard of a shandy?

Delicious.

Oh, and the barman got
the measures just right.

Lucky my mum wasn't working that bar,
it would have been a weak shandy.

But...

This barman, very good at making a shandy.

...cos we never ever say goodbye...

Obviously, the year ended
with a big moment of togetherness,

with Millennium Eve.

Some of you...

are sitting there...

and you've never experienced
a Millennium Eve.

And good luck...

doing it.

You wanna know how it feels?

Sitting there, "Just like
a normal New Year's, innit?"

No. It is not like a normal New Year's.

It's a proper, like...
It's gonna power up everything.

Just... everything that's ever happened...

the eve of all... bam!

And we felt proper connected
on that New Year's Eve

cos we were all gonna die.

We had the apocalypse
just right in front of us.

We knew it was coming
with the Millennium Bug.

I don't wanna give any old people
in the room the heebie jeebies...

by mentioning that old tyrant.

Oh, the Millennium Bug.

That was the threat back in those days.
I'll tell you what.

In 2019, I get nostalgic
for the whimsical days of '99...

when the Millennium Bug was our main foe.

Not nuclear war...

and off-the-leash bigots.

No.

Back then it was the Millennium Bug,
which was, if you don't know,

the youngsters won't know this,

it was like a beetle
about the size of a toddler,

who stood on its hind legs
and it was covered

in the same stuff
that disco balls are made of.

It had goggles and elbow pads,
knee pads and roller skates.

It was going around
between all the computers just...

trying to guess everyone's passwords,
like a little mischief maker.

"I'm gonna reset these."

That's what his objective was.

He was gonna reset all the computers,
but we defeated it,

and now we're all slaves to our computers.

What a twist!

It was on our side the whole time.

The Millennium Bug was always
on our side and we killed it,

and now we can't look at an eclipse
without letting a machine see it first.

Holding the phone up.

"Hold me higher, human."

"Oh, the wonders of nature."

"So beautiful."

And I'm not allowed
to slag off phones and stuff.

I like phones, if anything.

Like the other week, I was meeting
a friend in an airport.

We missed the rendezvous point.
Had to ring him up.

I like that moment like when you're
talking to each other through the airport

like commandos in the field,
trying to find each other.

My favourite bit is when you see him
from across the crowded airport,

see him for the first time.

"Ah, I can see you", and they're like,
"Ah, I can see you too."

And now...

now you get to find out
how wacky both of you are.

Golden rule: the closer you get,
the wackier you become.

Before hanging up.

The wackiest people, they're the ones,
they get all the way up to their friend.

Then they go, "Sorry, John, I gotta go."

"I've just bumped into John."

What I do is I walk
all the way up to him,

and I just keep on walking
straight past him.

No acknowledgement whatsoever.

Then when they go,
"Why did you just walk past me?",

I'm like, "I'm at home with my kids."

"Put that down, get down from there."

Obviously, it's the Internet
that I don't like.

None of us like the Internet.
We're all addicted to it, sure.

But you don't need me to tell you
why you feel shame all the time.

Anxious, your heart beats
ten to the dozen.

And you're trying to sleep.

The Internet's a minefield now.
Twitter's the worst.

Everyone's horrible to everyone.

The things we say to each other now
are absolutely vicious.

Just appalling. Wasn't like that in '99.

1999, the meanest thing
you could say to someone,

if they asked you
what the time was, you'd go,

"Time you got a watch, mate."

That's as cutting as you ever got,
and even then,

you told them the time, to be fair.

"The time you got a watch, mate.
It's 5.37. Mind how you go."

"And get a watch, you."

I like things about the Internet.
I like YouTube.

YouTube soothes me and calms me down
in the middle of the night

when I remember I'm gonna die.

You forget you're gonna die.

Actually feel like I've reminded
a few of you tonight, actually.

That reaction. "Oh, shit, yeah.
Got that in the diary."

"Forgot about that."

Then you forget. In the daytime
you forget you're gonna die.

There's loads of distractions, you know.

You put your fingers in your mouth
and nudging people.

Loads of stuff going on.

You don't remember you're gonna die.

And night-time is when
you remember, you know?

Get all the lights out,
you're lying in bed,

you're thinking to yourself,
"Right, I got an early start tomorrow,

got a really busy day ahead of me,
I need to get a good night's sleep."

"But first things first...
I'm just gonna do a quick browse

of all the things that terrify me
to my very core."

"Start off with death, we got that
coming up at some point."

"Just for a laugh, I'm gonna imagine
what that will feel like

to one day be dead and not exist forever."

Then within two minutes,
I'm stood bolt upright in my bedroom

with all the lights on like...

"I didn't like that."

"Felt bad."

Now I gotta get YouTube out.
Open up the laptop.

I like to watch videos of people eating

really hot, spicy
chicken wieners these days.

They do it while they're being interviewed

and the wings get progressively hotter,
it's really, really funny.

They get really hot
and they can't handle it

and they're trying to drink the milk
but milk doesn't help.

And I'm sitting there watching it
in fits of laughter like...

"I'm never gonna die!"

"I'm glad I'm not gonna be dead ever."

Wasn't like that back in the day.

Back in the '90s, if you
remembered you were gonna die,

couldn't put YouTube on
or anything like that.

In the middle of the night,
you remembered you were gonna die,

you had to wake up a loved one.

This is a real blast
from the past, this bit.

Had to get up, leave your bedroom,
walk across the landing,

which only...

it's always weirdly, to me,
the darkest part of your house,

it reminds you of death even more.

Went into your parents' room.

One of them would always be
lying with their back to you.

"Oh, I feel even more shut out."

Rouse them from their slumber.
"Mum, please."

All feverish.

"Mum, Dad, please, please."

"Please, Mum, please, just..."

"Mum, just please."

"Eat all these chicken wings
for me, please."

"Please. I've been making them all night."

"Please, just..."

"I think I'm gonna die, Mum!
I'm gonna die one day!"

"Eat the chicken wings, please."

"Try the milk, Mom, it will help."

"She's crying again, she's crying again.
Come have a look. She's crying."

"As soon as she had The Bomb,
she started to cry."

Think about death a lot.

I know some people like
a bucket list and stuff.

I've got a to-do list every day
and I call it a bucket list.

Friends get angry, they're like,
"That's not a bucket...

"A bucket list is a list of things
to do before you die."

I'm like, "When did you think
I was gonna do this shit?"

"I'm not buying Toilet Duck
in the afterlife, am I?"

"What kind of boring ghost
does a tax return?"

I write a to-do list every day
and I do my best to get it to-done.

I try to get it to-done as best I can.

But I don't always get it to-done,
if I'm honest.

Cos if I don't get it to-done...

But I think, wanting to do it,
that's all you need.

That speaks volumes, the fact
that you wanted to do it is enough.

Cos... that's who you are.

What you wanted to do,
that says more about you, I think.

Cos really, none of us
have ever done anything.

Really, you get home at the end
of a day at work,

someone's always like,
"Hey, what did you do today?"

Just panicking, "Uh... oh."

"I, uh... oh."

"Oh, just the same old same old."

Boring. What did you wanna do?

"I wanted to touch a submarine." Nice.

I underestimated you.
I know he's in the room now. Well done.

When I do die,
I hope they can't identify the body.

I hope that.

If they can't identify a body,
they always call it John Doe.

Like, that guy...
let's not beat around the bush...

it sounds cool.

I like the thought of being a John Doe.
I didn't get to be cool in life.

In life, they don't get us cool names.

In life, you hear them say stuff like,
"Oh, the average Joe Bloggs."

Like be honest with yourself.

Out of the two of those guys...

who would you rather be?

John Doe sounds mysterious.
John Doe, wonder who that is?

Joe Bloggs, no way around this,
sounds like a prize knobhead.

Some cocky little so-and-so
with his collar up

giving everyone the double thumbs up
and blinking in photographs.

And saying things like,
"Take a chill pill."

Relentlessly referring to his car
as the Bloggsmobile.

No, thank you.

If you go to a bar or something,
John Doe's the stranger in the corner.

You know, he's in the shadows, hat down,
sort of scotch on the rocks.

Putting out the vibe, you know.

Meanwhile, across the room,

Joe Bloggs is pushing
karaoke on shy people.

And not taking their no
for an answer, either.

Later on that night,
he's dancing to the "YMCA."

Still thinks it's hilarious
after all these years,

not even aware he's doing
the C backwards.

I hate him.

Someone dies, you can
call them a John Doe, that's fine.

If you find a dead body on the floor,
there's no way in a million years

you'd have the disrespect...

"Oh, look, everyone, I found
a Joe Bloggs on the floor."

It makes it sound like he died
slipping on a banana skin.

That's not nice.

That he died in some goofy stupid way,
get his tie caught in a sushi belt

and been dragged round the room,

doing laps, smacking his head
on every spinny chair going.

All the time the tie's
playing "Jingle Bells".

That's not a good way to go.

I miss it.

I miss feeling part of something.

I think the high point of '99,
of the whole year...

I got to perform
at the Royal Albert Hall.

I know, right?

Like... some people think my career's
going pretty well at the minute.

Actually, comparatively,
I'm on something of a decline.

It's really gone down the drain.

I'm gutted to be doing
piece of shit venues like this.

Used to do the Royal Albert Hall, man.

It was... it wasn't solo stand-up when I
did the Royal Albert Hall when I was 14.

It was, uh, as part of the Gang Show.

So the Gang Show is a variety show
put on by the Scouts and the Guides.

That makes more sense, doesn't it,
that I was involved in that?

And the 1999 Gang Show
was like the crème de la crème.

It was the best Scouts, the best Guides.

It was the big Millennium Gang show
in the Royal Albert Hall, right?

It was a really big event,
and they wanted to make it special.

All about looking to the future.

And the guy who directed it
was a guy named Malcolm.

He's like in his 50s or something.

And he wrote a song
specially for that show.

The song was called
"Make a New Tomorrow."

I'll just give yourselves...

a little bit of time...

to reassemble your brain cells...

after hearing that mind-bending title.

Sitting there, "Isn't every tomorrow new?"

Is it?

Still remember the lyrics to it.

They turned off all the lights
in the Royal Albert Hall.

All the Scouts and the Guides on stage,
we knelt down like this,

and we had one torch each, a little torch.

We all lit our torches up.

Looked beautiful.

The chorus went like this, it went...

Make a new tomorrow

Make a new tomorrow

We only need to share

True love and understanding

Make a new tomorrow

Make a new tomorrow

And try to make it happen

Try to make it happen

Try to make it happen

Today

I'll tell you this...

I can say to you safely, now...
standing here in 2019...

we let that man down so much.

We had one shit show.

Like I feel so bad
for Malcolm when I think...

Although, you know,
chances are like, you know...

given his age,
he's the one who voted for it.

But like we...

we did our best.

I mean, reflecting, I don't...

I wasn't 100% sure...

exactly what kind of tomorrow
Malcolm had in mind.

I mean, Malcolm also cast
the Gang Show, and, um...

that wasn't a very diverse
Gang Show, actually.

It was Gang Show So White.

It was a Gang Show So White year.

Looking back, I think I might have
knelt down and sung an Aryan anthem

in the Royal Albert Hall when I was a kid.

Think I did that.

We only need to share

True love and understanding

Amongst ourselves

Make a new tomorrow

I forgot that lyric the first time out.

"Amongst ourselves" in brackets.

Yeah, coming to think of it...

there was a lot of freemasons
in that audience.

In that old sacred building.

All clapping along.

Make a new tomorrow

We're huddled together.

A new tomorrow...

Guys, I think I might have caused Brexit.
I feel like...

Feel like I was very much a part of it.

Ah, that whole verse
about immigrants made sense now.

Oh, when you're young,
it just all seems fine.

It was so...

Anyway... the rest of the show
was fine, you know.

We struggled getting
the Wicker Man to light,

and then it lit.

But it was fine, when it went,
it was away, was away.

The Wicker Man of Baden-Powell.

I reckon that when these boys and girls
and ladies and gentlemen leave here today,

we're leaving it in their hands
to make a new tomorrow.

I reckon that tomorrow
is in their hands very firmly,

with enthusiasm and with skills
that we perhaps don't have ourselves.

They're tremendous young people.

Go and make a new tomorrow
and make lots of happy memories.

Good night and thank you.

So we can make a new tomorrow

Make a new tomorrow

We only need to share

True love and understanding

Make a new tomorrow

Make a new tomorrow

And try to make it happen today...

Yeah, I feel wonderful now.

-Would you do it again?
-Definitely, definitely.

Why?

Just the buzz, it's just...

ecstatic, it's just brilliant.

Um... I'll see ya next time.

I'd love to do it again,
it's brilliant yeah.

Best show in the world, absolutely.

It's a good thing.

It's national Scouting and Guiding.

It's young people at their best
doing what they can for everybody.

Take home the memory, treasure it,
and in a few more years,

dig it up again and do it all over again.

Absolutely super.

Thank you very much.