1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,920 That's what I was like as a kid, if I got any sort of freedom, 2 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,680 I just went cra... haywire. 3 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,360 Especially when it came to drinks. 4 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,640 When my parents started letting me make myself a glass of squash, 5 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,280 all bets were off, it was awful. 6 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:16,760 I can't really remember the exact age. 7 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,480 My mum made me squashes for a long time. 8 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,120 She was like in charge of making the squash. 9 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,680 And then eventually I got... I don't know what the age... 10 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,840 What's the normal age to start making your own squash? 11 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,120 What's the...? 12 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:32,200 Seven? 13 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,520 I'm saying seven. 14 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,960 Someone said ten there, and that was tragic. 15 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:43,000 Two reasons it was tragic. 16 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:46,320 One, as the rest of you quite rightfully read, 17 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:47,880 hypothetical question. 18 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,040 Wasn't looking for a response from any of you. 19 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,200 Volunteers here anyway. Can't figure out how the show works. 20 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,120 Secondly, ten... 21 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,000 is way too old. 22 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:09,400 To still have your mum making you a squash when you're ten... 23 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,800 Assume, when you shouted that out, 24 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,240 you had to briefly pop a nipple out of your mouth. 25 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,560 Ten, I think. 26 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:23,600 Thank you, Mother. 27 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,480 Tragic. 28 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,200 I'm saying seven, mate. 29 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:35,640 I think seven is fine. 30 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,920 If I saw a six-year-old making their own squash, 31 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,440 I'd be like, "Who's this man about town?" 32 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:42,960 "What?" 33 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,040 "He's grown up fast, this one, making himself a squash." 34 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:52,720 If I saw an eight-year-old having their mum make them a squash... 35 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,840 I'm gonna bully that kid. 36 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,080 I'm gonna bully that kid the first chance I get. 37 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,280 I'm gonna walk over as she's handing him the cup. 38 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,960 You both need to grow up, this is pathetic. 39 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,080 I'm gonna say about seven. 40 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,680 My mum was making me squash for years, and look, she ain't here, 41 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,000 we can slag her off. 42 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,920 That squash was shit. 43 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,560 I'm not exaggerating. 44 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:21,640 I'm pulling no punches on this. 45 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,240 Weak. It was weak. 46 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:25,840 It was weak. 47 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,360 And look, let's face it. 48 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,280 It's hardly a complicated recipe, Mum. 49 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,000 When you're making a squash, it has two components. 50 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,680 Just get the ratios right, that's all you gotta do. 51 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:38,240 The weakest squash. 52 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:39,760 She'd turn round from the tap. 53 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,800 I'd be watching her like an eagle from across the kitchen. 54 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,920 "Please be a good one this time." 55 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,800 "Please be the kind I've always imagined my whole life." 56 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,880 She turns round... I've got to squint at the glass. 57 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,800 That's got a vague orange tint to it, I suppose. 58 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,920 When I drink it, I'll try and imagine what that colour tastes like as a flavour. 59 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:03,680 At least I'm using my imagination. 60 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,640 Always on the walk back from the sink to where I was sitting, 61 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,960 my mum would always just like have a swig for herself. 62 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,240 That's my squash. 63 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:15,440 Walking back, she'd have a swig. 64 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,600 I'm sitting there, "Whoa, whoa, Mum, it's already diluted enough 65 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,040 without you backwashing into it." 66 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,000 "I wouldn't accept this from a waiter, I'm not accepting it from you, Diane." 67 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,240 Then I'd go round some other kid's house. 68 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,400 His parents were a bit more laissez-faire. 69 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,600 Let me tell ya, that squash knocked my socks off. 70 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,080 I wasn't prepared for it. 71 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,480 I had spirals in my eyes like a cartoon character. 72 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,760 Whoa! Turning to my friend, 73 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,760 "Do you access this squash on the daily?" 74 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,080 "Yeah, but my parents don't talk to me much." 75 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,600 "I wish they paid me more attention." 76 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,920 "I would trade it all in a heartbeat." 77 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,120 "I would break free from my mother's loving arms for good 78 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,720 for one sip of this squash." 79 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,360 "Tell your dad I'm his friend now, not yours." 80 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,400 When my mum made me squash, 81 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:05,120 it was 99 parts water to one part cordial. 82 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,680 I'm being generous there, I think. 83 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,480 And when she handed over the keys to me, my oh, my... 84 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,800 if those ratios didn't flip round pretty damn sharpish. 85 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,920 So much cordial in there, I was free-pouring it in. 86 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,480 Just a solid matte finish to the glass. No light was... 87 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,760 It was a solid purple, even if it was orange squash, it were purple. 88 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,600 It tasted disgusting, but it's the price of freedom sometimes. 89 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,000 You... get your independence, you're gonna make a few mistakes. 90 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:39,120 I had to make squash again recently for the first time in a long time. 91 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,440 I haven't made squash since I lived with my parents. 92 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:42,760 Cos I'm an adult. 93 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,440 I don't live with my mum and dad anymore and I don't have kids, 94 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,080 so I don't have squash in the house. 95 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:49,800 Update for some of you. 96 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,120 That's normal, by the way. 97 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,080 And I know... 98 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:56,760 I know my audience. 99 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,600 I know a lot of you just had your feelings hurt. 100 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,800 A parade of absolute dorks coming in here tonight. 101 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,680 The way some of you are sitting there. 102 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,160 "Oh, I'm an adult, and I have squash in the house." 103 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:17,040 Yeah, and you also got heads in the freezer and bodies in the walls. 104 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,000 I don't trust a single one of ya not coming round your house 105 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,800 for a glass of summer fruits, you can forget about it. 106 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:28,600 You should be ashamed of yourself. 107 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:29,680 A grown-up! 108 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,800 Getting back from like a job, like a grown-up job. 109 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,880 Still got your tie on, some of you, making a squash in your kitchen. 110 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,720 There's no way you don't hum while you do it, either. 111 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,000 That hum, as well, the most basic hum of them all. 112 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:52,240 Not an original thought in your stupid head. 113 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,520 Then you got to run the tap. 114 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,440 You gotta run it for a little bit cos you don't want warm squash, do ya? 115 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:04,320 Really, really letting go your dignity and testing the stream with your hand. 116 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,520 Testing the temperature of it. "Oh... 117 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,160 is this hot enough yet?" 118 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,720 "I want it cold for my squash." 119 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:10,880 Soaking wet hand. 120 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,880 I hope this squash is delicious and worth it. 121 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,160 I would sooner get home, turn the tap on, 122 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:19,320 shove my hand underneath it and just drip the drops off of that. 123 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,480 I'd feel better about myself than if I was to make a squash 124 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,960 as an adult with no kids running round. 125 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,400 I had to make it recently for my nephew. 126 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,240 And I was out of practice. I was still as bad as I've ever been. 127 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,080 Cos what you should do if you're making a squash, really, 128 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,560 is look at the glass side on so you get an idea 129 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,760 of how much cordial you're putting in there. 130 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,520 Cos it's a good viewpoint, good bit of perspective. 131 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:48,600 I still just walk all the way up to the table, so it's like here. 132 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,520 I look straight down to the flat circle of a glass. 133 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,520 Do a bit of guesswork. Brought it up to the tap. 134 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,200 I damn near gave that kid Type II. 135 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,040 It was a fruity treacle I was handing over to him. 136 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,080 Bouncing off the walls. 137 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,200 Mainly, cos also, I didn't know this, it was double-strength squash, 138 00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:07,160 which I didn't know. 139 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,440 I'd been out of the game for too long, I didn't know this existed. 140 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,920 I didn't know that you dorks were asking for that. 141 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,080 Queuing up. "Excuse me." 142 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,760 "I'd like to halve the amount of time it takes me to do this, please." 143 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,600 "So you'd better invent double strength squash, 144 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:22,440 or half-strength water, ASAP." 145 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,520 Make a new tomorrow 146 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,680 Make a new tomorrow 147 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,640 We only need to share 148 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,120 True love and understanding 149 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,360 1999 was the best year of my life, though. 150 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,200 Pretty easily was the best year of my life. 151 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:43,560 A lot of good stuff happened. 152 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:47,080 Out of any year in my life, this is when I felt most connected to people. 153 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,200 I want to talk about connections tonight, not all division and stuff like that. 154 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,960 When I saw that eclipse, I remember we were all in a field. 155 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,360 So hundreds of people, just strangers, all sitting on the grass, 156 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,400 just looking up at this eclipse... 157 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,520 I don't think I've ever felt so connected to as many strangers in my life. 158 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:04,680 Just amazing. 159 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,480 It was still and quiet... 160 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,200 It's hard to describe it to people who weren't there 161 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,840 without using words like "twas" and stuff like that 162 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,880 with Shakespearean character out of nowhere, but... 163 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,400 It was emotional, you know? 164 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,080 Like proper... like my mum cried. 165 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,960 We made fun of her. 166 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,200 Because she cries. 167 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,760 Made fun of her immediately. But that's because I was... 168 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,640 I wouldn't do that now, but as a teenager, 169 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:33,000 if your mum's crying at a film in the living room, 170 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,760 you're calling your siblings in from other rooms of the house, 171 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:37,000 "She's crying again, come have a look!" 172 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,800 "As soon as they put the bobsled on their shoulders, she started to cry." 173 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,480 "Someone's got feelings, Diane." 174 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:47,880 "In floods." 175 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,600 "She's in floods right now." 176 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:56,280 It's emotional. 177 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,200 Everyone was looking at that eclipse 178 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,600 trying to burn it into their memory. 179 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,920 Things felt important then. 180 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,560 I might never see this again. I better remember it. 181 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:09,800 Now, you know what I'm gonna say. 182 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,840 If there's an eclipse these days, 183 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,040 half the people will just be filming it on their phones 184 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,120 and the other half will be looking at those people, going, 185 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,760 "Hmm, not living in the moment", and spoil it for themselves that way. 186 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,640 We all go home, no one saw the eclipse. Good job, everyone. 187 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,000 Good eclipse, everybody. 188 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,560 Nice day out for the judgementals and the idiots. 189 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,080 We miss that. 190 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,160 Being in a group and feeling connected as part of a group, 191 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,040 like... I don't feel that now. 192 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,240 I think mainly cos like I'm never in an audience these days. 193 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,040 I was in an audience a lot that year. 194 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,400 Now, my job is this. I'm on stage all the time. 195 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,360 And you guys are the ones who get to... 196 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,000 I can only imagine how incredible it must feel... 197 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,720 to be in an audience at one of my shows. 198 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,600 Sit there and hear your own thoughts articulated back to you 199 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,360 in a way that you couldn't possibly hope to achieve yourself. 200 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,160 It's special, and not everyone has it. 201 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,360 Manchester United won the Treble in 1999. 202 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,880 For anyone watching at home 203 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,040 who wasn't aware of what kind of comedian I am, 204 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,560 there's my demographic. 205 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:28,480 A few whoops. 206 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,400 Two half-hearted boos. 207 00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:35,640 And everyone else sitting there going, "We did not come here for football chat." 208 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,200 "That's not why we come and see you." 209 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,800 "We do not like football." 210 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:46,080 I'm aware that my audience I've worked on for years and years 211 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,600 are people who do not like football. 212 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,280 Some of you might even look down on it. 213 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:50,640 When you hear about people liking football, 214 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,360 you're like, "Oh, how pathetic." 215 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,360 "Are you an adult? Are you getting all upset over a game?" 216 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,120 "It's just a game, you know." 217 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,560 "You're all sad about a little game." 218 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,560 And that's all fine. 219 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,080 Oh, yeah, have a go at them. 220 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:10,680 Let me remind you, for fun, you like to do this. 221 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:14,960 Doesn't make you better. 222 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,160 "Oh, well, what I like to do, I don't like to go and watch people do a game." 223 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,760 "I'm an adult. What I like to do, I just sit in a room and just watch someone 224 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,040 and feel anxious and hope... 225 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,360 and really invest a lot in their success and hoping they do well." 226 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,360 "And panic, oh, hope they're gonna be funny." 227 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:33,880 "I feel so worried." 228 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,480 "That's what I like to do for fun." 229 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:37,920 "I'm a grown-up." 230 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,240 I started supporting Manchester United when I was seven. 231 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,440 And all the other kids in my class got really angry at me straightaway. 232 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,560 "He's a glory supporter, Acaster, that's all you are." 233 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:52,760 "You're a glory supporter." 234 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,320 "You've never even been to Manchester." 235 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,400 "You're only supporting them cos they're gonna win all the time." 236 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,360 "You come from Kettering, you goddamn glory supporter." 237 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,120 "You're just a glory supporter." 238 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,640 I was like, "Yeah, you know what else I am? A child." 239 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:06,720 "Can I choose happiness, please? I'm seven." 240 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:10,040 I'm a kid, I'm gonna choose ice cream over olives 241 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,520 every single day of the week. 242 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,920 I'm not gonna... resign myself to a lifetime 243 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,680 of disappointment and anger immediately. 244 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,120 I'm an infant. 245 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:19,840 Some kids did, though. 246 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,520 Some kids... some little kids... 247 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:26,080 chose to support a football team that would never ever win 248 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,840 cos their dad told them it was good to be loyal. 249 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,120 "You learn a thing or two about loyalty, son." 250 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,000 "OK, cool, I'm a toddler." 251 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,280 Actually, you gotta respect some of the people who have done that. 252 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,600 You dedicate yourself to a team that never wins 253 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:47,440 and season after season, you're just disappointed every single time. 254 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:48,600 But I couldn't do that. 255 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:52,680 I've watched like, you know, TV dramas in box sets. 256 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:55,200 If the first season's not great... 257 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:56,720 done. 258 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:00,720 Doesn't have to factor into my existence ever again. 259 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:05,480 I definitely wouldn't get to the end of a drama, season one... 260 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:06,960 think, "That was disappointing." 261 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:08,600 "Well... 262 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,360 but I dedicate my entire life to it." 263 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,160 "Gonna watch every single season of this, and at the end of each season." 264 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,640 I'll always be there going, "Oh, I really hoped this time that... 265 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,200 you really work on the cast and the characters and... 266 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,600 for the script to be better, better storyline or... 267 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,360 thought by now they would have flushed out all the racism and homophobia." 268 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,080 "That doesn't seem to have happened." 269 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:34,320 "But I guess I'm just gonna watch this forever, 270 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:37,080 and if anyone else tells me it's rubbish, I'll hit them in the face." 271 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:40,880 To beat someone up if they say it's bad. 272 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,720 I love Man United. 273 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,600 Uh, Man United, that's what the fans call them. 274 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,240 Same here. 275 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,880 You square-a-zoids wouldn't know that. 276 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,600 Manchester United is like the name that you'll know them by. 277 00:13:58,680 --> 00:13:59,720 Um... 278 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:04,240 The fans call them Man United or... if you're a hardcore fan, Man U. 279 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,640 Call them Man U and that's so we can talk about them in public 280 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,560 without you guys knowing what we're talking about. 281 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,160 "Did you see Man U last night?" And you guys are there like, 282 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,080 "What are they talking about?" 283 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:20,320 You won't know. 284 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,280 I liked them, they're called the Red Devils, 285 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,560 and their mascot was Fred the Red, who by all accounts was a demon. 286 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,760 And that is pretty rebellious when you're a little Christian boy. 287 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,280 I loved Fred the Red. 288 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,480 A demon, that is a ballsy move for Man United. 289 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,160 Most mascots, they're just a bunch of animals, like fluffy animals, 290 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:38,840 and they come out and they're all jolly. 291 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,000 Man United went for a minion of the antichrist. 292 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,520 All the other mascots, they're dancing by the side-lines, 293 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,640 you know, keeping up morale and stuff like that. 294 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,200 Fred the Red, you've all seen him, the whole game, he's on the side-lines, 295 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,840 the whole matches, steadily torturing sinners, isn't he? 296 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,640 Just feeding an away fan through a Victorian mangle. 297 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,160 "He was an adulterer!" 298 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,280 "You'll burn in hell forever!" 299 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,720 "That's a foul, that's a foul?' 300 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,840 "Turn it down, Fred the Red, this is a youth game." 301 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:26,120 "Not gonna tell you again." 302 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,920 "Stop spitting acid in the eyes of the linesman." 303 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,240 "Fifth time this week, and I don't want to talk to you about it again." 304 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,400 That Treble was great. 305 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,280 I watched them win the Treble in a pub. 306 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,080 Me and my dad went to watch the European Champions League Final 307 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,040 in a little pub round the corner from my house. 308 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,240 Fourteen years old, that's a big moment going to the pub with your old man 309 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,400 to watch the TV. 310 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:49,800 Pub was full of people. 311 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,240 We're all really excited, singing all the football chants. 312 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:54,640 We love football! 313 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,760 And you better know 314 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,720 We're gonna win tonight for sure 315 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:02,440 You... 316 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:07,160 If you try and win You're gonna be disappointed cos... 317 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,040 We're the ones who are gonna win I think you'll find 318 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,880 Look up "winning" in the dictionary 319 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,080 A picture of us, a picture of our team 320 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,400 We are gonna make you cry 321 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,520 Uh, you have emotions 322 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,240 About this game 323 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:31,360 And... no boots, boots, boot On our feet, feet, feet 324 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,160 Kicking the ball 325 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,800 And eat, eat, eat 326 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,960 Eat a pie and throw it in the trash 327 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,320 If you don't wanna eat that pie, It's up to you 328 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,920 Do not criticise our team 329 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,680 It will hurt our collective feelings 330 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,360 You can... 331 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,040 Go and score a goal 332 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,080 Against another team But please not our team 333 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,240 Really excited about the football, right? 334 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,640 But, within the first five minutes, Bayern Munich scored. 335 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:07,760 They're the baddies, right? 336 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,080 They're the opposition team. 337 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:13,520 They scored within five minutes, and then everyone felt sad in the pub. 338 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:14,960 Like everyone feeling sad. 339 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,960 And it was, again, this was before smartphones, 340 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,920 so everyone just had to feel sad. 341 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:23,720 And to sit in that sadness together and just be sad with it. 342 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,160 It was sad like that for the whole game. 343 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,520 Just sitting there feeling sad for 90 minutes. 344 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,400 Then, at the last minute of injury time, 345 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,240 they brought on Teddy Sheringham. 346 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:40,920 Now, if you don't know Teddy Sheringham, he was so old. 347 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,240 It was old man Sheringham. 348 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,480 He was so... I've Googled him recently. 349 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,680 Apparently back then he was the age that I am now. 350 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,160 But he just seemed like a codger and a half. 351 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,920 Just such an old, old man with his head rolling around his neck, 352 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,600 couldn't support it anymore, with his tortoise face. 353 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,000 Going on, really old man Sheringham. 354 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:05,680 And when he came on, all of us fans, we were like, "Oh, no." 355 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,080 "Oh, no, we're already gonna lose." 356 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,680 "Now, it's the most undignified thing in the world." 357 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,400 "We're gonna lose and Sheringham was gonna fucking die." 358 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,000 He'll die on the pitch, gonna keel over and just die. 359 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,960 And Fred the Red's gonna rush the pitch and suck his soul out of his arsehole 360 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:21,280 and spew it into hell. 361 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,800 "I've been waiting for this moment a long time, Sheringham." 362 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,240 "Been eying you up in the locker room, you old man." 363 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:34,360 Sheringham's screaming. 364 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,440 Really worried. 365 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:44,720 Here's the thing, though. 366 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,640 This is the moral of the show, I guess. 367 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,960 Sometimes old men surprise ya. 368 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,600 Old man Sheringham scored a goal 369 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,800 in like the last minute of injury time. 370 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,400 Everyone just went from being sad to on our feet. 371 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,440 Electricity's passing through us, we're so happy. 372 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,640 Then , within another minute, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer scored the winner. 373 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:04,720 We went berserk. 374 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,120 My dad says that he saw people in that pub 375 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,400 act in ways they've never acted before or since, never seen it. 376 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,040 One guy, he started jumping around the pub, 377 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,600 but not like jumping around like normal jumping like this. 378 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,520 He jumped around with his feet together like he was in a sack race, 379 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:19,720 just going. 380 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,680 Yes! And... 381 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,240 Let me tell ya, yeah! 382 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:31,560 That man was me. 383 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,200 I don't say it at the start, because... 384 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:36,840 it's embarrassing. 385 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,760 But I did it. I don't remember doing it. I've got no memory of it. 386 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,240 He said I jumped around while my shoelaces were tied together, 387 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,480 like I was a kangaroo, just around... 388 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,040 There's another guy, a little old boy, a little postie. 389 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:52,120 He used to sit there, bald man, he sat in his chair. 390 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,040 He never spoke to anyone, every single night of the week sit there with a beer. 391 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,360 When that second goal went in, he got up and he marched around his table 392 00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,440 like this. 393 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,440 Wouldn't stop lapping it. 394 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,200 People were so happy. My dad bought me a cocktail. 395 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,800 Still one of my favourite cocktails. 396 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,400 Have you heard of a shandy? 397 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,200 Delicious. 398 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,840 Oh, and the barman got the measures just right. 399 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,040 Lucky my mum wasn't working that bar, it would have been a weak shandy. 400 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,760 But... 401 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,040 This barman, very good at making a shandy. 402 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:48,400 ...cos we never ever say goodbye... 403 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,600 Obviously, the year ended with a big moment of togetherness, 404 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,000 with Millennium Eve. 405 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,680 Some of you... 406 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,400 are sitting there... 407 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,440 and you've never experienced a Millennium Eve. 408 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,080 And good luck... 409 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:22,960 doing it. 410 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,040 You wanna know how it feels? 411 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,520 Sitting there, "Just like a normal New Year's, innit?" 412 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,800 No. It is not like a normal New Year's. 413 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,880 It's a proper, like... It's gonna power up everything. 414 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,000 Just... everything that's ever happened... 415 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,360 the eve of all... bam! 416 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,600 And we felt proper connected on that New Year's Eve 417 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,240 cos we were all gonna die. 418 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:52,400 We had the apocalypse just right in front of us. 419 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,720 We knew it was coming with the Millennium Bug. 420 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,840 I don't wanna give any old people in the room the heebie jeebies... 421 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,720 by mentioning that old tyrant. 422 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,480 Oh, the Millennium Bug. 423 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,400 That was the threat back in those days. I'll tell you what. 424 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,880 In 2019, I get nostalgic for the whimsical days of '99... 425 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,520 when the Millennium Bug was our main foe. 426 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,400 Not nuclear war... 427 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,600 and off-the-leash bigots. 428 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:26,920 No. 429 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,440 Back then it was the Millennium Bug, which was, if you don't know, 430 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:30,840 the youngsters won't know this, 431 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,840 it was like a beetle about the size of a toddler, 432 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,120 who stood on its hind legs and it was covered 433 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,480 in the same stuff that disco balls are made of. 434 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,560 It had goggles and elbow pads, knee pads and roller skates. 435 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,720 It was going around between all the computers just... 436 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:52,160 trying to guess everyone's passwords, like a little mischief maker. 437 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,200 "I'm gonna reset these." 438 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,520 That's what his objective was. 439 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,360 He was gonna reset all the computers, but we defeated it, 440 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,600 and now we're all slaves to our computers. 441 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,240 What a twist! 442 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,600 It was on our side the whole time. 443 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,720 The Millennium Bug was always on our side and we killed it, 444 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,960 and now we can't look at an eclipse without letting a machine see it first. 445 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:17,640 Holding the phone up. 446 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:19,360 "Hold me higher, human." 447 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,480 "Oh, the wonders of nature." 448 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,520 "So beautiful." 449 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,080 And I'm not allowed to slag off phones and stuff. 450 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,080 I like phones, if anything. 451 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,680 Like the other week, I was meeting a friend in an airport. 452 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,400 We missed the rendezvous point. Had to ring him up. 453 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,680 I like that moment like when you're talking to each other through the airport 454 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,880 like commandos in the field, trying to find each other. 455 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,960 My favourite bit is when you see him from across the crowded airport, 456 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:52,680 see him for the first time. 457 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,040 "Ah, I can see you", and they're like, "Ah, I can see you too." 458 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,640 And now... 459 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,080 now you get to find out how wacky both of you are. 460 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,800 Golden rule: the closer you get, the wackier you become. 461 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:09,000 Before hanging up. 462 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:13,000 The wackiest people, they're the ones, they get all the way up to their friend. 463 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,840 Then they go, "Sorry, John, I gotta go." 464 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,080 "I've just bumped into John." 465 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,880 What I do is I walk all the way up to him, 466 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:34,000 and I just keep on walking straight past him. 467 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:35,920 No acknowledgement whatsoever. 468 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,800 Then when they go, "Why did you just walk past me?", 469 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:40,800 I'm like, "I'm at home with my kids." 470 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,560 "Put that down, get down from there." 471 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,240 Obviously, it's the Internet that I don't like. 472 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,880 None of us like the Internet. We're all addicted to it, sure. 473 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:57,000 But you don't need me to tell you why you feel shame all the time. 474 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:00,920 Anxious, your heart beats ten to the dozen. 475 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:03,520 And you're trying to sleep. 476 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:05,880 The Internet's a minefield now. Twitter's the worst. 477 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,280 Everyone's horrible to everyone. 478 00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:09,840 The things we say to each other now are absolutely vicious. 479 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,960 Just appalling. Wasn't like that in '99. 480 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,560 1999, the meanest thing you could say to someone, 481 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,440 if they asked you what the time was, you'd go, 482 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:17,920 "Time you got a watch, mate." 483 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,040 That's as cutting as you ever got, and even then, 484 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:23,000 you told them the time, to be fair. 485 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,560 "The time you got a watch, mate. It's 5.37. Mind how you go." 486 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:28,440 "And get a watch, you." 487 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,640 I like things about the Internet. I like YouTube. 488 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:40,520 YouTube soothes me and calms me down in the middle of the night 489 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,000 when I remember I'm gonna die. 490 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,360 You forget you're gonna die. 491 00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:50,200 Actually feel like I've reminded a few of you tonight, actually. 492 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,600 That reaction. "Oh, shit, yeah. Got that in the diary." 493 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:54,680 "Forgot about that." 494 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,440 Then you forget. In the daytime you forget you're gonna die. 495 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:01,640 There's loads of distractions, you know. 496 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:03,520 You put your fingers in your mouth and nudging people. 497 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:04,920 Loads of stuff going on. 498 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:06,800 You don't remember you're gonna die. 499 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:09,080 And night-time is when you remember, you know? 500 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,240 Get all the lights out, you're lying in bed, 501 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,600 you're thinking to yourself, "Right, I got an early start tomorrow, 502 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,600 got a really busy day ahead of me, I need to get a good night's sleep." 503 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,560 "But first things first... I'm just gonna do a quick browse 504 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:21,800 of all the things that terrify me to my very core." 505 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:25,760 "Start off with death, we got that coming up at some point." 506 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,000 "Just for a laugh, I'm gonna imagine what that will feel like 507 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:30,000 to one day be dead and not exist forever." 508 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,240 Then within two minutes, I'm stood bolt upright in my bedroom 509 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,040 with all the lights on like... 510 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:38,800 "I didn't like that." 511 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,120 "Felt bad." 512 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,400 Now I gotta get YouTube out. Open up the laptop. 513 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:47,360 I like to watch videos of people eating 514 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,720 really hot, spicy chicken wieners these days. 515 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,200 They do it while they're being interviewed 516 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,760 and the wings get progressively hotter, it's really, really funny. 517 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,520 They get really hot and they can't handle it 518 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:57,720 and they're trying to drink the milk but milk doesn't help. 519 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,800 And I'm sitting there watching it in fits of laughter like... 520 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,040 "I'm never gonna die!" 521 00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:07,200 "I'm glad I'm not gonna be dead ever." 522 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,200 Wasn't like that back in the day. 523 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,960 Back in the '90s, if you remembered you were gonna die, 524 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:14,840 couldn't put YouTube on or anything like that. 525 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,440 In the middle of the night, you remembered you were gonna die, 526 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:19,240 you had to wake up a loved one. 527 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,040 This is a real blast from the past, this bit. 528 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:28,000 Had to get up, leave your bedroom, walk across the landing, 529 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:29,080 which only... 530 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:32,280 it's always weirdly, to me, the darkest part of your house, 531 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:34,240 it reminds you of death even more. 532 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,080 Went into your parents' room. 533 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,840 One of them would always be lying with their back to you. 534 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,920 "Oh, I feel even more shut out." 535 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:45,480 Rouse them from their slumber. "Mum, please." 536 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:47,120 All feverish. 537 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,560 "Mum, Dad, please, please." 538 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,520 "Please, Mum, please, just..." 539 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:54,760 "Mum, just please." 540 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,960 "Eat all these chicken wings for me, please." 541 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,240 "Please. I've been making them all night." 542 00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:02,520 "Please, just..." 543 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:06,000 "I think I'm gonna die, Mum! I'm gonna die one day!" 544 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:07,560 "Eat the chicken wings, please." 545 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,040 "Try the milk, Mom, it will help." 546 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,320 "She's crying again, she's crying again. Come have a look. She's crying." 547 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,040 "As soon as she had The Bomb, she started to cry." 548 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:25,400 Think about death a lot. 549 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:29,640 I know some people like a bucket list and stuff. 550 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,320 I've got a to-do list every day and I call it a bucket list. 551 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,080 Friends get angry, they're like, "That's not a bucket... 552 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:38,320 "A bucket list is a list of things to do before you die." 553 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,600 I'm like, "When did you think I was gonna do this shit?" 554 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,360 "I'm not buying Toilet Duck in the afterlife, am I?" 555 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:48,000 "What kind of boring ghost does a tax return?" 556 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,200 I write a to-do list every day and I do my best to get it to-done. 557 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,280 I try to get it to-done as best I can. 558 00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:59,600 But I don't always get it to-done, if I'm honest. 559 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:01,760 Cos if I don't get it to-done... 560 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,040 But I think, wanting to do it, that's all you need. 561 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,960 That speaks volumes, the fact that you wanted to do it is enough. 562 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,200 Cos... that's who you are. 563 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:12,480 What you wanted to do, that says more about you, I think. 564 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:15,720 Cos really, none of us have ever done anything. 565 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,800 Really, you get home at the end of a day at work, 566 00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:21,000 someone's always like, "Hey, what did you do today?" 567 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,440 Just panicking, "Uh... oh." 568 00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:24,880 "I, uh... oh." 569 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:26,880 "Oh, just the same old same old." 570 00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:29,440 Boring. What did you wanna do? 571 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:31,640 "I wanted to touch a submarine." Nice. 572 00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:36,400 I underestimated you. I know he's in the room now. Well done. 573 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:43,240 When I do die, I hope they can't identify the body. 574 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:48,000 I hope that. 575 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:53,400 If they can't identify a body, they always call it John Doe. 576 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:58,160 Like, that guy... let's not beat around the bush... 577 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:00,720 it sounds cool. 578 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,560 I like the thought of being a John Doe. I didn't get to be cool in life. 579 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:07,080 In life, they don't get us cool names. 580 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:10,120 In life, you hear them say stuff like, "Oh, the average Joe Bloggs." 581 00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:12,760 Like be honest with yourself. 582 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,240 Out of the two of those guys... 583 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:17,680 who would you rather be? 584 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,120 John Doe sounds mysterious. John Doe, wonder who that is? 585 00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:25,720 Joe Bloggs, no way around this, sounds like a prize knobhead. 586 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:27,880 Some cocky little so-and-so with his collar up 587 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:30,600 giving everyone the double thumbs up and blinking in photographs. 588 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:36,120 And saying things like, "Take a chill pill." 589 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,320 Relentlessly referring to his car as the Bloggsmobile. 590 00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:40,360 No, thank you. 591 00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:46,600 If you go to a bar or something, John Doe's the stranger in the corner. 592 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:49,760 You know, he's in the shadows, hat down, sort of scotch on the rocks. 593 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:51,200 Putting out the vibe, you know. 594 00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:54,760 Meanwhile, across the room, 595 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:58,440 Joe Bloggs is pushing karaoke on shy people. 596 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:04,640 And not taking their no for an answer, either. 597 00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:07,800 Later on that night, he's dancing to the "YMCA." 598 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:09,720 Still thinks it's hilarious after all these years, 599 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:11,440 not even aware he's doing the C backwards. 600 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:12,600 I hate him. 601 00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,760 Someone dies, you can call them a John Doe, that's fine. 602 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:25,280 If you find a dead body on the floor, there's no way in a million years 603 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:26,880 you'd have the disrespect... 604 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:30,920 "Oh, look, everyone, I found a Joe Bloggs on the floor." 605 00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:34,080 It makes it sound like he died slipping on a banana skin. 606 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:35,280 That's not nice. 607 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,440 That he died in some goofy stupid way, get his tie caught in a sushi belt 608 00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:41,080 and been dragged round the room, 609 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:43,920 doing laps, smacking his head on every spinny chair going. 610 00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:46,360 All the time the tie's playing "Jingle Bells". 611 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:47,880 That's not a good way to go. 612 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:54,560 I miss it. 613 00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:58,920 I miss feeling part of something. 614 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:04,560 I think the high point of '99, of the whole year... 615 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:07,600 I got to perform at the Royal Albert Hall. 616 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,040 I know, right? 617 00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,320 Like... some people think my career's going pretty well at the minute. 618 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,720 Actually, comparatively, I'm on something of a decline. 619 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,520 It's really gone down the drain. 620 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:23,000 I'm gutted to be doing piece of shit venues like this. 621 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:29,240 Used to do the Royal Albert Hall, man. 622 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,960 It was... it wasn't solo stand-up when I did the Royal Albert Hall when I was 14. 623 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,120 It was, uh, as part of the Gang Show. 624 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:41,040 So the Gang Show is a variety show put on by the Scouts and the Guides. 625 00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:43,960 That makes more sense, doesn't it, that I was involved in that? 626 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,880 And the 1999 Gang Show was like the crème de la crème. 627 00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:49,680 It was the best Scouts, the best Guides. 628 00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:53,040 It was the big Millennium Gang show in the Royal Albert Hall, right? 629 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:56,000 It was a really big event, and they wanted to make it special. 630 00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:57,680 All about looking to the future. 631 00:32:58,160 --> 00:32:59,920 And the guy who directed it was a guy named Malcolm. 632 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:01,520 He's like in his 50s or something. 633 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:04,120 And he wrote a song specially for that show. 634 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,600 The song was called "Make a New Tomorrow." 635 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:10,720 I'll just give yourselves... 636 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:12,680 a little bit of time... 637 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:15,800 to reassemble your brain cells... 638 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:19,200 after hearing that mind-bending title. 639 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,560 Sitting there, "Isn't every tomorrow new?" 640 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:23,640 Is it? 641 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:31,760 Still remember the lyrics to it. 642 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:35,200 They turned off all the lights in the Royal Albert Hall. 643 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,120 All the Scouts and the Guides on stage, we knelt down like this, 644 00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:40,440 and we had one torch each, a little torch. 645 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:42,200 We all lit our torches up. 646 00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:44,320 Looked beautiful. 647 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:48,120 The chorus went like this, it went... 648 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:50,640 Make a new tomorrow 649 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:52,280 Make a new tomorrow 650 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:54,760 We only need to share 651 00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:58,040 True love and understanding 652 00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:00,280 Make a new tomorrow 653 00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:02,440 Make a new tomorrow 654 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:04,920 And try to make it happen 655 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,320 Try to make it happen 656 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:10,080 Try to make it happen 657 00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:13,360 Today 658 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,200 I'll tell you this... 659 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:26,040 I can say to you safely, now... standing here in 2019... 660 00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:29,400 we let that man down so much. 661 00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,200 We had one shit show. 662 00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:36,280 Like I feel so bad for Malcolm when I think... 663 00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:38,960 Although, you know, chances are like, you know... 664 00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:41,600 given his age, he's the one who voted for it. 665 00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:42,800 But like we... 666 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:45,080 we did our best. 667 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:49,680 I mean, reflecting, I don't... 668 00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:52,880 I wasn't 100% sure... 669 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,360 exactly what kind of tomorrow Malcolm had in mind. 670 00:35:01,240 --> 00:35:04,320 I mean, Malcolm also cast the Gang Show, and, um... 671 00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:10,080 that wasn't a very diverse Gang Show, actually. 672 00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,120 It was Gang Show So White. 673 00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:16,280 It was a Gang Show So White year. 674 00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:24,760 Looking back, I think I might have knelt down and sung an Aryan anthem 675 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:26,640 in the Royal Albert Hall when I was a kid. 676 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:30,840 Think I did that. 677 00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:34,760 We only need to share 678 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:36,960 True love and understanding 679 00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:38,240 Amongst ourselves 680 00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:39,960 Make a new tomorrow 681 00:35:40,720 --> 00:35:42,520 I forgot that lyric the first time out. 682 00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:45,680 "Amongst ourselves" in brackets. 683 00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:50,040 Yeah, coming to think of it... 684 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:55,240 there was a lot of freemasons in that audience. 685 00:35:57,560 --> 00:35:59,600 In that old sacred building. 686 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:01,960 All clapping along. 687 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:04,760 Make a new tomorrow 688 00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:07,040 We're huddled together. 689 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:09,600 A new tomorrow... 690 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,280 Guys, I think I might have caused Brexit. I feel like... 691 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:24,160 Feel like I was very much a part of it. 692 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:31,960 Ah, that whole verse about immigrants made sense now. 693 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:41,680 Oh, when you're young, it just all seems fine. 694 00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:44,480 It was so... 695 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:49,760 Anyway... the rest of the show was fine, you know. 696 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:53,320 We struggled getting the Wicker Man to light, 697 00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:54,920 and then it lit. 698 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,480 But it was fine, when it went, it was away, was away. 699 00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:01,720 The Wicker Man of Baden-Powell. 700 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:11,200 I reckon that when these boys and girls and ladies and gentlemen leave here today, 701 00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:14,400 we're leaving it in their hands to make a new tomorrow. 702 00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:18,080 I reckon that tomorrow is in their hands very firmly, 703 00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:22,760 with enthusiasm and with skills that we perhaps don't have ourselves. 704 00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:25,040 They're tremendous young people. 705 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:29,280 Go and make a new tomorrow and make lots of happy memories. 706 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,000 Good night and thank you. 707 00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:16,520 So we can make a new tomorrow 708 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,480 Make a new tomorrow 709 00:38:18,560 --> 00:38:20,720 We only need to share 710 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,640 True love and understanding 711 00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:25,800 Make a new tomorrow 712 00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:28,120 Make a new tomorrow 713 00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:32,920 And try to make it happen today... 714 00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:29,800 Yeah, I feel wonderful now. 715 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:31,760 -Would you do it again? -Definitely, definitely. 716 00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:33,080 Why? 717 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:34,920 Just the buzz, it's just... 718 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:37,240 ecstatic, it's just brilliant. 719 00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:39,640 Um... I'll see ya next time. 720 00:39:39,720 --> 00:39:41,200 I'd love to do it again, it's brilliant yeah. 721 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,160 Best show in the world, absolutely. 722 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:45,040 It's a good thing. 723 00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:47,920 It's national Scouting and Guiding. 724 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:51,040 It's young people at their best doing what they can for everybody. 725 00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:54,880 Take home the memory, treasure it, and in a few more years, 726 00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:57,160 dig it up again and do it all over again. 727 00:39:57,240 --> 00:39:58,680 Absolutely super. 728 00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:00,400 Thank you very much.