Original subtitles

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♪ Who done it ♪

♪ I wish I knew who done it ♪

♪ Who's stolen my heart ♪

♪ My private eye is on it% ♪

♪ Now how did it start ♪

♪ In practise ♪

♪ I should know what the fact is ♪

♪ From the start ♪

♪ To be an effective detective ♪

♪ You have to be perceptive ♪

♪ You gotta be smart ♪

♪ Who did it ♪

♪ I wonder if she did it ♪

♪ Detection's an art ♪

♪ Perhaps she only kidded ♪

♪ But kidding apart ♪

♪ She got me ♪

♪ And then I'm sure she shot me ♪

♪ Through the heart ♪

♪ Or am ljust stupid ♪

♪ It might have been cupid she recruited ♪

♪ The guy with the dart ♪

♪ I've checked all the evidence ♪

♪ Used up some common sense ♪

♪ But what have I got ♪ ♪ Oh what have you got ♪

♪ I got myself tied in a knot ♪

- It looked to me the case was all sewn up

and then I saw the hand turning over the side of the bed.

Gold lacquered nails and a turquoise ring.

The rest of the blonde wasjust as I left her

except now she wasn't breathing no more.

- One minute.

♪ To know you is to love you ♪

♪ And to love you is my prayer ♪

♪ To know you is to need you ♪

♪ To always walk beside me ♪

♪ And to guide me when trouble starts ♪

♪ To know you is to love you ♪

♪ And I love you with all my heart ♪

- I felt the zing of the first slug

as it whistled past my ear

and something exploded in my cranium

and the floor came up to meet me.

- You're on!

You're on!

- I am?

Oh!

- Late on parade again?

Last time I shall warn you, Dill.

- Dill, Dill?

No one of that name on the cast.

- But his landlady assured me he works here.

- Might be one of the backstage staff.

Straight on and round to the left.

- Thanks.

- Hello, doggy.

Oh isn't you a sweet thing.

Isn't oo booful, hmm hmm.

Isn't oo--

Your dog?

- No, I'm looking for his new owner.

You don't know him I suppose?

A Mr. Dill.

- Sorry.

- Excuse me.

Do you know anyone here called Dill?

- Never heard of him.

- Well he works here somewhere.

I know he does.

And he's won this dog.

- Won it?

Not in the pools?

- No, no, no.

I'm from the Detective Story Weekly,

a crime magazine, you know.

And we ran a big contest and the winner

gets the prize of one hundred pounds

and this genuine, pedigree, man-hunting bloodhound.

- I see.

And this bloke what you're looking for is the winner?

- That's right.

I've got to present it to him.

And if I don't find him soon

I shall miss my last train home.

I don't know what I'll do then.

'Cause nobody will take me in anywhere

with a bloodhound.

- What did you say his name was?

Not Dill.

Hugo Dill.

You do know him.

- Here, boy.

- I may be a tough private eye

but I like my things soft.

And this baby wouldn't have splintered

if you'd have hit it with the Empire State Building.

She unzipped her blood red lips and said,

- Excuse me.

- Excuse me, are you Mr. Dill?

- Right, on stage with it, boys.

- Hey, stop, stop!

Stop!

I'm stuck! - Get over.

Oh just, it's coming.

- I'm getting out!

♪ It's a golden afternoon ♪

♪ And the sun is a glorious yellow ♪

♪ And it's time for a girl and a fellow ♪

- Aren't you strong?

- Well something had to be done.

♪ In the breeze every palm tree is swaying ♪

♪ And I'm sure they can hear what we're saying ♪

♪ While watching from ♪

- Get out of my way

or I'll miss my cue!

- Well I'm trying to, don't!

♪ That I see is a-singing for me ♪

♪ As it's winging its way ♪

- Lean back, can't you?

- I'm trying.

- Try that one over there, go on. ♪ A smile for our dreams ♪

♪ And the girls say aloha ♪

- Oh, go away!

♪ Every moment with happiness in it ♪

♪ And we must make the most of each minute ♪

♪ For it always ends too soon ♪

♪ On a golden, golden, golden ♪

- Come on, make an effort.

- Come on, try again.

♪ To be thinking of falling in love ♪

♪ It's a golden afternoon ♪

♪ In the breeze every palm tree is swaying ♪

♪ And I'm sure they can hear what we're saying ♪

♪ While watching from high above ♪

♪ Every bird that I see is a-singing for me ♪

♪ And it's winging ♪

- This time!

Oh, oh!

♪ And the girls say aloha ♪

♪ As I all stand by ♪

♪ Every moment with happiness in it ♪

♪ And we must make the most of its minutes ♪

♪ For it always ends too soon ♪

♪ On a golden, golden, golden ♪

♪ Afternoon ♪

- Sorry, I--

- Just you stay away from me!

- Whoah!

- Terribly sorry.

I do hope it wasn't my fault you lost yourjob.

- Oh, don't worry about that.

Everything's fine.

Now I've won the competition,

I've won the dog,

and all I need now is the, you know?

- Oh, the check.

- The check!

The hundred pounds?

- What are you going to do with it?

- I'm gonna setup as a private detective.

- You're going to be a private eye?

- That's been my ambition ever since

I first read your magazine!

- I didn't need my crystal ball

to see this guy was yellow.

"Reach for the sky, pal", I said,

thrusting the barrel of my automatic into his,

- Why don't you look where you're going?!

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning.

Have you got any guns?

- Yes sir, for shooting duck, grouse, tigers, elephants?

- People.

- People?

- I'm a private detective.

- I see sir.

Well we have this 7.65 millimetre high velocity

self loading automatic pistol.

And this large magazine capacity

powerful pocket automatic pistol

firing 72 grain bullets,

and this very handy compact 32 Mauser.

- Oh, this isjust what I--

- 45 guineas, sir.

- Don't really need.

Have you got something a little,

- Yes sir, we have a short barrel 38 revolver

that comes out a little cheaper.

If you'll excuse me a moment sir,

a new consignment have just come in.

They haven't been unpacked yet.

- Reach for the sky, pal.

Come on, get 'em up, get 'em up.

Now turn around.

Don't touch that phone!

Start walking.

Now keep moving, keep moving.

- Help, help, police!

- Stop, there's villainy afoot!

- Armed holdup!

- Call all cars.

Roberts, whistle up that man.

Any other entrances?

- Just one at the back.

- You cover that, I'll go in the front.

Follow me, you.

Don't let anyone in or out, you understand?

- Yes sir. - Now get back, all of you.

Please, get back.

- You've been asking for this for a long time.

Come on fatso, face the wall.

Come on, get 'em up, get 'em up, get 'em up.

Now then, start talking!

- Drop that gun!

- What the blessed?

- Here we are, sir.

Good heavens. - Did this man threaten you?

- Threaten me, no.

He behaved like any other customer.

- Customer?

- Yes, customer if you don't mind.

Who do you think you are?

- I'm Detective Inspector Hancock.

- Well I don't care if you're,

Detective Inspector Hancock?!

Well I am pleased to meet you.

- Who are you, what's your name?

- Dill, Hugo Dill.

As a matter of fact, you and I are in the same line.

- What?

- Yes and if you don't mind my saying so, old man,

you just dropped a bit of a clanger there.

- Oh! - Still, we all make mistakes.

I mean none of us are infallible, are we?

Do you know, I've just been reading about a case.

It's in this book here.

- Just a minute, just a minute,

what did you say your name was?

- What division?

- Oh I'm a private detective.

- Where's your office?

- Well as a matter of fact,

I don't have one just at the minute

but I've had one recommended to me.

There's a theatrical chap just moving out.

It's the Starlight Casting Agency.

- Get out!

Oh!

- Morning, Jimmy.

- Hello, Frankie.

- Well, what's all this in aid of?

- Moving out.

New luxury premises on the fourth floor.

Give us a hand, will you, ducks?

That lot can go.

I hear you got the sack.

- Yeah.

- Suppose you want another job?

- I don't mind what I do as long as it's not,

you know what.

- You're crazy.

Going into ice shows and all that

when you could be earning 10 times the money.

- Look, Jimmy, we've had all this out before.

- It's a sin.

You were made the way you are

to bejust one thing.

The best strong-girl in the business.

- Well I hate it.

Notjust the act but the effect it has on people.

Oh all right, on men.

Why should I pretend they don't count?

After all, I'm just as normal as any other girl.

- Hey, that's the new edition!

- Sorry.

Every man I've ever met,

as soon as he finds out what I do for a living

just scurries away like a frightened rabbit.

Oh let me do it.

No man can bear the idea of being dominated

by a woman.

At least no real man.

- Give us a leg up, dear.

- All right.

- I wanna get these files down.

- Oh, men think of women as the weaker sex.

That's the way they want it to be.

- Oh, by the way, I had a call

from Raymond Courtney this morning.

He is booking acts for a new Paris show.

None of your boyfriends will see you

do your strong-girl act over there.

What do you say?

- I'll think about it.

- Well go and have a chat with Courtney.

Oh, blast!

Give me a hand here.

- Good morning!

- Ooh!

- Oh no!

- You!

I thought there was an office to let

here. - There is.

But I'm afraid you'll have to ask

Mr. Maddox about it.

Oh, Jimmy.

- Please.

- Oh, oh, please, please, please,

let me do that.

It's much too heavy for a little girl like you.

- Oh.

Of course.

It's very kind of you.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry I was rude to you just now but

you did get me sacked from the ice show.

- Ugh!

- I got you the sack?

- Well yes.

That's why I'm here seeing Jimmy now.

Jimmy! - Oooh!

- Oh, Jimmy!

You see I went in for a competition in a magazine

and I won first prize.

There.

- Oh, well, aren't you strong?

- Yeah.

- There.

- Hugo Dill, private investigator.

- It'll do.

Hugo, I must fly.

- Don't forget we're having tea together.

- I won't, half past four.

Goodbye, Fabian.

Be a good boy.

- Flora, darling!

- Maisie, darling.

- What are you doing here?

- Getting myself a new agent.

I've had a most frightful row with Raymond Courtney.

- Mhmm, I heard.

- I believe Starlight are good.

- Very.

They've just fixed me up with a 12 week

season at Scunthorpe.

- Lucky girl.

Bye, darling.

- Goodbye now.

- Come in.

- Good morning.

- Morning.

- I'm looking for a good agent.

You've been recommended to me.

- I have?

Oh.

Well won't you sit down.

- Thank you.

- Now what seems to be the trouble, Missus,

- Courtney and I have parted company.

After five long years together.

- Oh that's very sad.

And of course you want him back?

- Oh I'd forgive and forget

if only Raymond would.

But I'm afraid he's got new interests now.

- Another woman?

- He's taking three or four young girls to Paris.

- Three or four?

- Ooh, he's very good at handling women.

But then I'm sure you are too.

- Me?

- Wouldn't you like to take Raymond's place?

Look after little me?

- You mean you and I?

And me, us?

- Let's give it a month's trial, shall we?

See how we get on together.

- But this really is rather sudden.

You really shouldn't let this Raymond

go so easily.

- But he's got all these young women.

- Yes I know, but we could soon put a stop to that.

We could put a watch on his house

and warn them and keep them out of his clutches.

What did you say his address was?

- 21 Belgrave Crescent.

But I wouldn't like Raymond to think--

- Oh don't you worry about that

because the way I shall tackle this job,

he won't even dream he's under observation.

- Excuse, please.

- One moment, Barakov.

On that microfilm, Professor,

are all your secret formulas?

- That is so.

It is all there, eh, Gruber?

- Yeah, Herr Professor.

This is the complete record.

- All my years of work for the Americans

I now bring to the service of Uralia.

- Excuse, please.

- What is it, Barakov?

- Professor Stumpf, is it possible you were followed here?

- Me, followed?

- Here?

To this Legation?

- Come.

- That would be fatal.

- You don't recognise that man, Professor?

- To me he is strange.

Gruber?

- I have not seen him before.

- He looks to me like secret agent.

- And to me.

Professor.

The American authorities, the FBI,

they have no reason to doubt your loyalty?

- Always I have disguised

my true feelings.

- A genius like the Professor, with his invention,

if they were at all suspicious,

they would never have let him leave United States.

- That is quite certain.

A man who is able to control the weather

of the whole world

is more important to them than all their other

atomic scientists put together.

- And so perhaps, they take precautions.

Professor.

I think it will be wise for you

to remain here in the Legation

until I have organised your flight to Uralia.

- But that is impossible.

This evening I have to demonstrate

my weather control machine

in the grounds of the Royal Scientific Society.

- Yes.

- Scientists from all over the world

are coming to hear me.

- Now what?

- Another one.

- You think he is also here to watch me?

- It is not impossible.

Our enemies have eyes everywhere.

- Frankie?

- I'm afraid I can't see you right now.

- Oh that's all right, I can come back.

- Well, can you manage 10 o'clock tonight? Here?

- Yes.

- I'm afraid it's rather an unusual hour

to fix an audition but I think

you can look after yourself.

Can't you, darling?

- Well I certainly hope so.

See you tonight, Mr. Courtney.

Bye. - All right my dear.

- Frankie!

Frankie, Frankie!

- Oy, what's the idea?

- Ooh, get out of my way.

- Your way?

This is my pitch.

- Ooh! You can pack that lark up for a start.

- Ouch, you want to play it rough, eh?

- Oooh!

- They fight, they fight!

- Professor, this is our chance.

We will have them both arrested for disturbing the peace.

- Then you'll find out if they are secret agents.

- Yes.

That one first.

- Don't worry about old George.

I know where to lay hands on him, sir.

But this chap, I've never seen him before.

Come on chummy,

I think we'd better take a walk to the Station.

- Officer, wait, wait.

Here, mind that

board there, will you? - Just a minute.

- Watch it, look, what?

- But officer, I'm a personal friend

of Detective Inspector Hancock!

- Look out!

Look out there, look out!

- Well, let go of the plate.

- Watch out!

- What the devil?

- Leave go.

- Oh no!

- Wait!

Oh, let me take those boards off, will ya?

- Inspector Hancock,

will you-- - Stop!

-

- Get out of here, get out!

Oh!

- Ooh!

- Take those boards off.

- Sorry I didn't realise I had them--

- Take them off!

- Get away from those windows!

- Get him out of here!

- But I arrested him!

- Get him out!

- Hugo.

- Frankie, I've gotta talk to you.

- I say, do you mind?

- Beg your pardon.

It's about this Raymond Courtney.

- Raymond?

Well how on earth do you know about him?

- Never mind how I know about him.

I know about him, you've got to keep away from him.

- Look, Hugo, I'm perfectly capable

of looking after my own affairs.

- But you're not!

You're not, you're so helpless,

you're so timid,

you're so sweet and feminine and,

- I am?

- You know you are.

Look, look, promise you won't see him again.

- But Hugo, I can't.

Well it's rather difficult, you see

because he's giving me a job in Paris.

- But you don't even know this man.

He's no good.

- He's what?

- He's no good.

You don't know what might happen to you over there.

- But Hugo, it's quite an ordinary sort ofjob.

- Doing what?

- Well it's,

- You see, you don't even know.

- Wouldn't go if I were you, dearie.

- See?

- Sounds a bad lot to me.

- Mhmm.

- I'm older than you are.

- Much older.

- Well.

- Why don't you mind your own business?

- Frankie, there's no need to speak to this lady like that.

- Oh will you please stop interfering in my affairs?

- But Frankie!

- Oh, you heard what I said.

Why don't you leave me alone?

- But Frankie, you...

Now see what you've done.

- Well!

- Why don't you mind your own business?

- Really?

- Psst.

Is anybody sitting there?

- No.

- We have a little talk, yes?

- Talk, what about?

- You tell me who you are working for.

- I couldn't do that.

- I pay you double.

- A private investigator never reveals

the name of his client.

- Private investigator?

- Husband and wife case, very confidential.

- Husband and wife?

- Well, only one of those chicken feed cases.

Usually I go in for the bigger stuff

like murders and blackmail and jewel robberies

and stuff like that.

I've got a card here if you care to

have a look at it.

It's all down there.

Don't forget if you're ever in a jam.

- Disguises a speciality.

- And bloodhound available if required.

- Yes.

The same fat cheeks.

The same bulging eyes.

The very man for the job.

- Zacco, thank heavens, I was worried!

- You have nothing to fear, Professor.

- Then it is safe for me to give my demonstration

to the Royal Scientific Society?

- It would be most unsafe, Professor.

Gruber, you are prepared to take a small risk?

- For a cause like ours?

How small?

- From what I understand of your invention, Professor,

the stop control could be adjusted to cause an explosion.

- That is so.

- So if we were to plan a disaster,

Gruber would have time to make his way to safety.

- That could be fixed.

But what about me?

- You, my dear Professor,

and all the other distinguished scientists there,

you would all be blown to little pieces.

- Are you mad?

- Listen, my friend.

You have only just arrived in this country.

So far none of these British scientists have met you.

- That is correct, but.

- So the man that gives that demonstration

has only to resemble this photograph.

- Aha!

- Another is to die in my place!

- Yes.

And the Western world will believe

that you have given your life in the cause of science.

And while they are mourning their great loss,

the real Professor Stumpf will be secretly back at work.

In Uralia!

- You have found a double for the Professor?

- To be killed?

Oh, where can be such a man?

Zacco, what story have you told this man?

- I told him you had been recalled suddenly to America.

But for security reasons no one must know

of your departure.

He thinks of course that we are all of us

on the side of the Western Powers.

- So a Britisher will be the one to cause their downfall.

That is funny.

- It will be our supreme triumph.

I shall bring to Uralia control of all the world's weather.

Our enemies' crops will be scorched.

Their rivers frozen!

- Their ports icebound!

- I shall flood their cities, choke them with fog,

rob them of light!

We shall be masters of the world!

- The sun will set forever on the British Empire!

- Mr. Dill.

- Hope I'm not late.

- Ah, Mr. Dill, come in, Mr. Dill.

- Thank you.

- May I present Professor Stumpf

and Mr. Gruber.

- Now it is the Professor

whom we would want you to impersonate.

- Ah, yes, could I have a, would you just?

Yes, yes yes yes.

I could manage that.

I'd need a little padding, of course.

- Of course.

A chair, Mr. Dill?

Now, everything will be handled by Mr. Gruber,

except that you would be required

to read a short paper.

In the accent of the Professor of course.

- Here we have my mobile plant.

It has been,

It has been assembled for this evening's demonstration

in the grounds of the Royal Scientific Society.

With this I am able to produce

no fewer than five different meteorological disturbances.

Rain, snow, wind, fog, frost,

in fact, all kinds of weather.

- All kinds of weather.

- Vether.

- Weather.

- Vezzer. - Vether.

Zer, zer, zer. - Vezzer, vezzer.

- No, no, no ,no.

It's vezzer.

Vezzer!

- Gruber!

Stop!

Whether it is weather or weather, I don't care, stop!

Now.

The generating force of my plant is atomic energy.

- As applied for peaceful purposes of course.

- Of course.

- No chance of it blowing up, is there?

- If there would be any such danger,

you would not find me there.

- But yet he's managed to overcome the problem

of thermal diffusion in combination

with synchlotron action.

It's amazing.

- And he's done it, what's more,

by falling back on cadmium heat control.

This really is a revelation.

- The fellow's certainly a genius.

- No doubt about that.

Of course it won't work.

- Hah, not a hope.

- Good evening, Professor Strumpf.

- How do you do?

- I am Sir Walter Finch.

- Oh, Sir Walter.

This for me a great honour is.

- Oh, no, it is we who are honoured.

And may I introduce Dr. Gosse?

- Oh, how do you do?

- And Professor Seligman.

My assistant, Mr. Gruber.

- And the others are waiting on the lawn.

I thought we'd make it into a little garden party.

I can't tell you how much we are looking forward

to your demonstration.

- You are?

- The conditions are favourable, I hope.

- Yeah, yeah I think it will be fine for us.

- Fine?

- Well, when I make the rain,

that for me is fine.

- You don't anticipate undue

cosmic intervention from the prevailing pressure

on the ionised layers?

- Please, I don't speak the English so good

but my assistant Herr Gruber.

- Please to speak a little louder,

I have the slight deafness.

- Oh I'm so sorry.

I didn't know.

- It is nothing.

A slight accident with a clap of thunder.

- Oh.

And with those few words of introduction,

I will call upon Professor Stumpf

to give us a brief outline of his phenomenal achievement

whilst his assistant is preparing the plant

for the demonstration.

After which, while we partake of a little light refreshment,

we will all have the opportunity

of meeting the Professor personally.

And no doubt plying him with some pertinent questions.

- Gentlemen, you will please excuse

that I read from the paper.

My English is how you say, not so hot.

I have first

I have first to say that this plant

is only a small replica for demonstration purposes.

Consequently it will produce the atmosphere changes

only in the area of these grounds.

It would not do to upset

your so beautiful English weather.

- Vether!

- I have designed this plant

with the purpose of creating.

Are you ready, Herr Gruber?

- Ready, Herr Professor.

- We will have rain.

Light rain.

- Professor.

Rain.

Light rain.

- So if the gentlemen will now stand up

and observe the surrounding area.

At this moment, there is taking place

a crystallisation of moisture

created by the,

- Certainly getting dark enough.

- Far too dark surely for light rain.

- Eh, if I didn't know,

I'd call this a fog.

- Oh.

- By the fission?

- Ah, now we come to it.

What is your fissionary agent?

Not Uranium, that's obvious.

- Pandemonium.

- You don't mean Plutonium?

PX4?

- Yeah, yeah, with a little harmonium SW3.

- I said it wouldn't work.

- I knew it wouldn't.

- Is that you, Caldecott?

- No, I'm Bunbury. - I beg your pardon.

- Keep your umbrella out of my waistcoat!

Oh, that's my toe!

- Stand still, sir, can't you?

- Professor, where are you?

- One minute please,

there's a slight technical hitch.

Gruber!

Gruber.

Where are you?

- Excuse me.

I think that's my hat.

- Thank you.

- No, thank you.

- Can't think what the fellow's aiming at!

- Stop him!

We'll catch our deaths!

- I'll try.

Professor!

Professor, stop it.

Please!

- Yeah, I stop it.

I have it!

Thaw, ugh!

- The one thing we haven't seen is rain.

- They are leaving.

- What about Dill?

- He's with Sir Walter. - Well get him out quick,

he will give the game away.

- I'm so sorry, Professor.

I think I've had enough.

- Then you go along and I will follow.

Yeah.

Get weaving!

- Dill, where are you?

Dill!

Dill!

- Boom!

B-O-O-M, boom!

- Listen, a car stopping outside!

- Another house.

- I say, let me give you a hand with your props.

- Well, thank you very much.

- Not at all.

Ugh!

- I make your boom boomerang!

- Here is Uralian Legation.

- Zacco here.

- Ah, all is well?

- All is not well.

Gruber was the one blown up

but keep that from the Professor.

- Ah, understand.

The Professor is happy.

- Now Barakov, listen carefully.

Dill is on his way back to you

and he knows too much.

He must be silenced.

Good.

You will then remove his body from the house

and get rid of it.

I shall be there by the time you return.

And remember, the Professor must know nothing of this.

If he should lose his nerve,

we might never get him away to Uralia.

- Understand.

There was a great explosion, boom!

- All blown to little bits?

- so now you are dead.

- But my beautiful plant.

For that I am sad.

- You'll soon build another one.

- Yeah, here I have all my secrets.

Where you go?

- Excuse, please.

A little job to do.

- Good night, sir.

- Good night.

- Come Barakov, it's your turn!

- One minute, Professor.

- What are you doing?

- Stay where you are.

Soon I come.

- Barakov, where are you?

- So much for you, Mr. Dill.

Ah yeah mmm.

So sorry to keep you, Profe--

Where are you, Professor?

Where are you, Professor Stumpf?

- Ah, there we are.

Now then.

- Oh, go on.

- Are you quite sure it's all right, dear?

- Yes, of course, I'm sure.

As hard as you like.

There, nothing to it.

- That's amazing!

Tell me, how do you wriggle out of all this stuff?

- Idont

I burst out of it in 10 seconds dead.

Now, put the gag on.

- The gag? - Mhmm.

- Oh.

- What the?

I say look here-- - You dirty!

- Go away, away!

- Don't worry Frankie, it's me, Hugo!

- Oh Hugo, you look so funny.

- I'm in disguise.

But you're quite safe now.

Come on Frankie, on my shoulder.

- But Hugo, I--

- Now you wait in there, you'll be all right.

He won't bother you again.

If he does, just you yell.

- Hugo.

- Where are you, Professor?

- Get me Scotland Yard, quick!

- Ah, there you are, Professor.

I have looked for you everywhere.

- Hello, Scotland Yard?

I'm at the Uralian Legation.

Come quick, there's been a murder!

Help, help!

Help, help!

- Hugo!

Hugo darling, what have they done to you?

Oh my poor darling.

Let me get you out of here.

Oh poor old chap, you have had a bonk.

- Ah, as I expected, a foreign body.

- What the coroner would call well-nourished.

- How's he been done?

- Don't touch it.

All correct, sir.

- Right.

The chief will be here in a minute.

Meanwhile you blokes get to work.

- Yes, officer.

- All correct, sir.

- Doctor's on his way.

- I thought I'd better leave

the examination to you sir.

- Yeah.

This man isn't dead.

And what's more, he's a phoney!

- Ooh!

- Oh no, no, no!

- What's happening, where am I?

- Was it you who telephone the Yard?

I thought as much.

Murder, eh?

I wish there had been a murder.

I only wish someone would murder you, Mr. Hugo

Private Eye Dill!

- But there has been a murder, Inspector!

There's a body, it's in the other room.

It's lying on the floor with a knife in its back!

- What?

All right, now show me.

And if this is another one of your tricks--

- Well I swear it, Inspector.

It's in here.

There.

- Where?

- Oh, don't make me look again.

It's on the floor.

- Where?!

- It's on the

It's gone.

- Gone?

Gone, of course it's gone, it was never there.

Sergeant, take that man back to the station

and get a statement!

- But I tell you Inspector, I saw him!

- Good evening, gentlemen.

What is happening here, please?

- It's the Professor! - The Professor?

- He's been murdered! - Murdered?

Well, that is not possible. I have just left the Professor.

He is flying back to Uralia.

- Uralia?

- Quiet, you.

Excuse me sir, but who is this Professor?

- From our Department of Education,

Professor Stulke.

- But his name is Stumpf.

- Our friend is a little mixed.

Professor Stumpf is American scientist.

Professor Stulke, Uralian.

- They're both Greek to me, sir.

- But it was Stumpf.

- Shut up.

Now what was this man doing here in disguise, sir?

- Professor Stulke did not wish it known

that he was to leave this country.

So we have engaged this man to act

as his double.

It is a perfectly normal diplomatic practise.

- That's a lie, they're all murderers!

One of them tried to kill me!

- Oh and that's how we came to find you

lying on the floor, eh?

- On the floor?

Just as I thought.

He found our Drambudka.

- Your what?

- Drambudka, the wine of Uralia.

Ha, very strong.

- But I've never touched a drop

of this damn-- - Eh, that's enough from you.

Well as you're working here,

there's nothing I can do about it. You can go.

- But Inspector, you must listen to me!

- Heaven forbid I ever see you again!

- But Inspector, you can--

- Oh, it's all right, we've shaken them off.

Oh, come on darling,

you're not still out, are you?

Come on, Hugo, wake up!

Hugo!

Hugo?

You're not Hugo!

But who are you?

Wake up!

- Good night, Inspector Hancock.

- Good night, sir.

- Good night, sir.

- Good night.

- Oh, good night.

Mr. Dill?

Mr. Dill?

- Dill!

- You're a fool, you've killed the wrong man!

- Please excuse, a mistake.

- What have you done with the body?

- It was stolen.

- Stolen?!

But it held the microfilm on it!

All the secrets of the Professor's invention.

We must get back that microfilm!

- Now that Stumpf is dead,

it must be transmitted to Uralia

by Dr. Broznik.

- We must find that body!

- Metropolitan Police.

Detective Inspector Hancock?

No, I'm afraid not.

Oh wait a minute, he's just come in.

For you sir.

Sounds a bit excited.

- Wow.

Hancock speaking.

Who's that?

- Listen, let me just tell you, Inspector.

- You!

Just a minute, please.

Now please!

Allow me to speak, will you?

Just for one brief moment?

Thank you, Mr. Dill.

I want to speak to you Mr. Dill,

as one detective to another.

We're both experienced men.

We both know how easy it is to make a mistake.

Well I don't mind admitting

I just made a very big mistake.

I left you breathing!

And that's something that will never, never

happen again, you blasted meddling, pumpkin-headed pest!

Heaven forbid I ever see you again!

Ooh!

Have you got that, Dill?

Have you finally got it?

'Cause if you haven't, I,

hello, hello?

Oh, he's taken the hint.

Nothing else, is there?

I've just about had it.

- No sir, nothing else.

- There's a body in my car!

There's a body in my car with a knife in his back!

- You wouldn't be a friend

of Hugo Dill's by any chance, would you?

No.

- Hugo?

Yes.

Pull yourself together.

What has happened to Hugo?

- Nothing, I'm afraid.

- He's all right?

Then why did you scare me like that?

Look, will you please come and remove this body from my car?

- Now listen, young woman, I have the reputation

of being just about the most patient

officer in the force.

- Tell me another time.

I have brought a corpse here. - But if you or your boyfriend

take the mickey out of me once more,

- You don't believe me?

All right then, come and look!

There!

It's gone!

- Agh!

Hold me, hold me!

I've never struck a woman yet!

- Inspector Hancock!

Inspector Hancock!

- Oh!

- Hugo, - Frankie,

- There's been a murder!

- Hugo.

Hugo, wake up, wake up!

Wake up.

Look.

- The morning paper.

- And look what's in it!

They think Professor Stumpf was killed in the explosion.

That means they won't even look for his body.

- It wouldn't help much now if they did.

Zacco took that body out of your car.

That means that he's got the microfilm

with all the Professor's secrets on it.

We've got to stop that information

getting back to Uralia.

Don't you realise this can make them

the most powerful nation in the world?

- Hugo, you've got to go to the police.

- Well, I can't.

Don't you see, if the police find out

the truth about the Professor,

they'd think I was working for Uralia.

They'd think I was a traitor.

It's no good, I've got to tackle this myself.

- But how?

- Frankie, look!

That man, that name, Broznik.

- What about it, who is he?

- Among overseas exhibitors

at the International Radio Show

opening at Earls Court today,

is Dr. Fedor Broznik, inventor of--

- But what's he got to do with all of this?

- But this was the man Zacco was talking about.

When I was hiding from him,

I heard him say something about

depending on Dr. Broznik.

- Inventor of a new process

of transmitting photographs and films by radio!

- That's why they want him!

To transmit the microfilm to Uralia

from the Radio Show!

- The Radio Show?

Come on!

- Not you, Frankie.

There's about to be a rough house.

- Oh please, Hugo.

- I'll take Fabian though.

He can hold his own.

- Well at least let me drive you there.

Let me do a bit to help you, can't I?

- Well all right then.

But you drop us outside.

'Cause if I catch up with those criminals,

it'll be no place for a girl like you.

- All right.

- Come on, Fabian!

- Morning.

- All correct, sir.

- For you, sir.

- Ah.

Hancock speaking.

Murder eh?

And you think the body was dumped there?

I see.

Has he been identified?

What?!

Professor Stumpf?!

Find me Hugo Dill.

Yes, Dill, D-I-double L!

Yes, dammit I do want him!

Put them all onto him!

- Faster, Frankie, faster!

- We're nearly there.

As long as the police haven't caught up with you--

- Look out!

- Oh I'm terribly sorry, officer.

- I should think you are.

- Put up a bit of a black there, old girl, didn't you eh?

I mean we can't go knocking Roberts for a Burton,

can we?

- It's no laughing matter.

- Sorry old boy.

I say, you seem to be wanted on the Intercom.

Looks like a panicjob too.

It's flashing like a ruddy lighthouse.

- Stay where you are.

- Good, get cooking.

- Yes?

Yes?

Accompanied by blonde and bloodhound?

What?

- But do you think he'll set them onto us?

- What if he does?

I bet he won't half make a mess of his description.

- Seen by Constable in Warwick Road

approaching Earls Court Stadium.

- Earls Court and step on it!

- Car park straight ahead, Miss.

- I'll see you at the main entrance.

Come on, Fabian.

- I'm sorry, sir.

No dogs.

- But I've gotta get in there! - I'm very sorry, sir.

- But you don't understand.

This is terribly important!

- Strict orders, sir, no dogs.

You can't go in, I'm sorry.

- Come on, Fabian.

- Hugo, what happened?

- I've gotta leave Fabian in the yard.

- Hugo, look.

- Here, take these!

- There he is, there's Dill!

Hey, Dill!

Dill, I want you!

Come on.

- This year, the Radio Show

is truly international.

And a sign of the friendlier relations

now existing between east and west

is the fact that we have several exhibitors

from countries on the other side

of the Iron Curtain.

Here for instance is the famous

Uralian inventor, Dr. Broznik.

He is here to demonstrate his revolutionary

new method of radio photography,

a means of transmitting films as well as static pictures

to countries still outside the range

of ordinary television.

- London calling Uralia.

Are you now receiving picture?

- Hello, Dr. Broznik.

We are receiving clear your picture.

- Next I will demonstrate to you all

the transmission of a moving picture.

- Stand 47.

- But the Radio Show is above all a show for the people.

Here in their thousands to see not only

the latest radio development,

but also the star personalities of BBC

and commercial television.

People like this young man for instance

who can't quite make up his mind, I think

which of the many attractions he wants to see first.

- Haven't either of you seen him?

- Afraid not sir.

- Well he's here somewhere.

- It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

- There!

- Where?

- There, there, there!

- Here!

- Yes, but where?!

- And now over to Wentworth Brown

outside the TV theatre.

- Here, outside the TV theatre,

visitors are queuing up

for the newest and most popular feature

of BBC television.

Your Birthday Wish.

If today is your birthday,

you may have a big surprise coming.

- Hugo, Hugo!

Hugo, Hugo, Hugo, Hugo!

Stand 47!

Stand 47!

- Right!

- There is no more time to waste.

It must be sent immediately.

Barakov, the microfilm!

- Keep them back, Sergeant.

- Excuse me please, excuse me sir.

Excuse me Madam.

- Just a minute, please sir.

Just a minute, just a minute.

- And the pipers will get their cue from Jeremy Hawk.

- I see, sir. - Yes.

- There he is!

Where the devil's he gone to?

He must have doubled back.

Now you go that way, you come with me.

- What are the advantages in your chairs, young man?

- I'm sorry Madam, we are closed for lunch.

- Well, really.

- Madam, I wonder if! could interest you

in a little demonstration of our chair.

- Ooh, I don't want to keep you from your lunch.

- No trouble at all, Madam.

A very very great pleasure.

You sit down Madam

and make yourself very much at home, that's lovely.

Now then Madam, you must admit this is one

of the finest, most comfortable chairs

in which you have ever sat.

This, Madam is guaranteed uncut moquette.

- What are all these buttons for?

- The button, oh yes.

Well you see, Madam, our chairs are made

on what they call the never-never.

- Never-never?

- Yes, you never do it yourself

when we can do it for you you, you see?

It quite simple. - Oh yes. Oh, oh, oh!

- And here Madam we have the perfect viewing position.

- But I can't see the screen.

- Well Madam, that's ideal for some programmes.

Ha, there we go, there we are.

Madam, if you want to alter the angle,

all you have to do is to press this button here.

And then the button opens-- - What are you

playing at, young man? - Very sorry, wrong one.

This is the one

that opens the,

won't you stay to tea now that you're here?

- No, I will not.

Kindly release me at once. - Don't worry, Madam,

I'll just, ooh.

- Oh, what was that?

Oh look, I'm on fire!

- Don't worry, you've got nothing to worry about at all.

I know it's one of these here.

- Let me out of here!

- What the blazes?!

What the devil do you think you're doing?

- Let me out!

- I can't tell you how sorry I am.

- You know?

I think I'd like one of these.

- Well, thank you, Madam.

- They're tremendous fun!

- Well?

- No luck, sir.

- Well where on earth's he got to?

- Sir, isn't that his girlfriend?

- Yes, get her!

- Here we are, Mrs. Ponting.

Oh hello, Jeremy.

This is Mrs. Ponting, - Hi.

- one of your victims.

- Quite the wrong word.

I hope we're going to make you very happy, Mrs. Ponting.

- I'm ever so nervous.

- You'll soon forget all about that

when you get your birthday wish.

- Well I'll be back to you in 10 minutes, Mrs. Ponting.

- Thank you, Mr. Goodwin.

- Beg your pardon.

- My fault.

- A third of full size,

this radio controlled tank will turn right and left,

rotate its turret, fire its gun,

sound its klaxon horn,

and eject fire or water from its fl ame thrower.

It will also remove land mines,

depositing them in the stream

using for this purpose,

hey!

What the devil?

- Hold him!

Hold him!

- Police!

Help, police!

Help, police, help, help!

- Hey, hey Dill!

Dill!

Dill, wait!

- Oh!

- Stop!

Hey, Dill, Dill!

Oh!

Down, down, put me down!

Put me down!

Oh, this is ghastly!

Put me--

- Hey, it's Dill!

Hey, hey stop that man!

- You got him?

- What, Dill?

- Yes, he just went through that door.

- You're seeing things.

- What are you standing about here for?

- Well it's Dill, sir.

He's just gone through that door.

- Well why aren't you after him?

- But I've just come out sir, I'd have seen him.

- Oh, leave this to me.

- Sir, what's happened to your?

- Terribly sorry, Madam.

- Quite all right, young man.

- Ah, I was just coming to you, Mrs. Ponting.

- For me?

- This way, Mrs. Ponting.

- But I am not Mrs.--

- What was that?

- I hope I'm not missing anything.

- No, no, no, your birthday wish is just beginning.

- Oh lovely. - This way.

- Thank you, thank you.

Well ladies and gentlemen,

this is the first programme in a new series

I hope you're all going to enjoy.

We've taken a cross section of people who are today

celebrating their birthdays

and we've asked them to write and tell us

what above all is their birthday wish.

And Uncle Jeremy here is going to try and see

that they get it.

- Who are you?

- Shh.

- Now the first letter comes from Mrs. Louisa Ponting

of 34 Albion Street, Paddington.

And this good lady writes,

"Dear Jeremy,

"This is not only the anniversary of my birthday,

"it is also 14 years to the day

"since I had my last tiff with my hubby."

Think of that, eh?

"As a result of which he has not been home since."

"Last week I saw his picture in the papers

"because of him having had a big win in the Pools.

"And I want him to know that I am ready

"to forget and forgive."

Well, I'm sure you agree.

Anyone with such a sweet nature as that

deserves to get her birthday wish

which is to be reunited with her husband.

So come in, Mrs. Ponting.

- Oh, oh ,oh, I say, I say.

- Hello, Mrs. Ponting

and many many happy returns, Mrs.

And here's wishing you many many happy returns.

Come along Mrs. Ponting, don't be nervous.

Now I hope you're having an enjoyable birthday.

- Yes!

- You know Mrs. Ponting, I've discovered

quite a lot about you.

- You have?

- There's more in her than meets the eye.

You have a calm and serene nature.

You dislike all forms of deception

and you are above all things a genuine woman.

That's what it says in the stars, Mrs. Ponting.

You know of course you were born under Taurus the bull.

- Yes, well we were living in the country at the time.

- Oh they were living in the country.

- Come along, Mr. Ponting.

- I don't see why I should.

I've dodged her for the last 14 years

and now you come along-- - Now, now, now, now, now,

we mustn't be like that,

must we, Mr. Ponting?

Remember, there are four million viewers

waiting to see us.

- Oh, all right.

- Well hurry.

- Now Mrs. Ponting,

that little bit of trouble you had with Mr. Ponting,

what was it all about?

- The trouble?

Oh the trouble, oh yes.

Well you see it was his back.

He couldn't get it off the bed.

Oh he was idle, he was really.

I mean he wouldn't do a thing.

He wouldn't polish the floors,

or make the beds, or empty the ashtrays.

- I see, well thank you very much,

Mrs. Ponting. - And he wouldn't do

the spring cleaning either, you know.

And as for his cooking.

- Yes, Mrs. Ponting, it's a shame.

Now Mrs. Ponting, I want you to turn around

and face that way.

- I mean it's not as if I was a fussy woman, you know,

because I'm not.

I remember distinctly one morning he was lying in bed

mending his bicycle.

And those pedals are sharp, you know.

- I am sure you are very tolerant, Mrs. Ponting.

Now if you wouldn't mind, just turning round

and facing that way again?

- And another thing.

Do you honestly think it's fair

for a man to feed his ferrets

out of the baby's bottle?

I mean, would you?

- I think it's terrible, Mrs. Ponting.

Now Mrs. Ponting, if you'd just stand

quite still, just for one moment, Mrs. Ponting.

- On you go.

- Welcome, sir, welcome.

No, don't run away sir,

we have such a lovely surprise for you sir.

Now I want you to stand quite still there,

sir, that's right.

No, don't be timid, sir.

And no peeking, Mrs. Ponting.

There.

Now, I want you turn around

and give each other a great, big hug.

- Ahh.

- Got you!

- Dill!

- Ooh!

- Mr. Ponting, please!

Mrs. Ponting, wait till you get home!

Music, pipers!

Pipers!

Mrs. Ponting, please!

Mr. Ponting!

- No, no please!

Please!

- Dill!

- Barakov!

- And now the Mozart Piano Concerto in A.

And now the Chopin Sonata in B.

And now Beethoven's Symphony,

And now the Bach--

And now Elgar's Symphony!

In A!

- Oh you brute!

Oh, come here!

- No, no!

- Oh, Hugo.

- Don't worry, darling.

I won't let them harm you.

Where are they?

- They're outside.

- I'll get 'em, come on.

- That car!

- Ugh!

- Not this one.

- There they are!

- Oh!

Quick, the car!

- There they are!

Hey, Dill, where are you going?

- After the beer lorry!

The men who murdered Stumpf!

- The beer barrel, get it!

Yes, sir!

- Hello, M2GW from U3.

Am in pursuit of stolen beer barrel

proceeding west along Hammersmith Road, over.

- Hello, all cars from M2GW.

Message from Information Room begins.

Two men in stolen beer barrel?

Two men in stolen beer barrel.

- Beer barrel?

- Beer barrel!

- Beer barrel, beer barrel?

Beer barrel, beer barrel, beer barrel, beer barrel?

- Ah, they come, they come!

- There it is!

- The police come now!

- Really? Disgraceful!

- Go on, put your foot down!

- They come close!

- Look, look!

Look where we are!

- Hey, you!

Oh!

Straight on.

We'll get him next time round.

- Hurry, hurry!

They've got him!

Frankie, your hurting me.

♪ Who done it ♪

♪ By now I know who done it ♪

♪ Like ivy I'll cling ♪

♪ She done it ♪

♪ She's solved the case and won it ♪

♪ He's buying a ring ♪

♪ Repentance ♪

♪ We started our life sentence ♪

♪ No reprieve ♪

♪ Believe me beloved ♪

♪ You've done it ♪

♪ You've stolen my heart ♪

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