Original subtitles

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(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, babe. So happy to see you!

Hi! I got your flowers. That was so sweet of you.

Of course. Well, I know you're finishing

your Global Health paper today

and you've been working really hard on it.

Well, I'm almost done, so, maybe

you want to come over and Netflix and chill and...

What?

You mean you want to fuck?

I did not say that! (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God! I know.

No! I was being more subtle than that!

I know. I'm sorry.

Yes, I am so down for that.

It's been like three fucking days.

My balls are so blue right now,

like dark blue, Uh-oh.

Like almost black.

No, I'm fucking serious. Here, check it out.

I believe you. (LAUGHING) I believe you.

Okay.

I'll see your almost-black balls later.

Cool, Steph.

Come over any time after 6:00. Okay, hun?

Okay. Dude, we are going to Netflix

and chill this shit so hard.

Peaky Blinders. Kimmy Schmidt!

Movember's over.

Time to shave the pornstache.

Sorry. Making a Murderer!

Narcos! (LAUGHING)

Stranger Things!

Black balls!

SCOTTY : Anyways, Ned followed his dreams

and turned a run-down old printing press

into the industry powerhouse

known today as the Fleming Company.

(ALL CHEERING) Best boss in the world!

The Fleming Company!

SCOTTY : We're talking

brochures for Steelcase furniture,

half the specialty jobs in Grand Rapids

and who could forget the Domino's Pizza circular?

(WHOOPING)

But before all that...

Ned met a young Michigan Wolverine, Barbara Welsh.

How did this older guy get me?

Ned took her on their first date to see his favorite band...

Kiss! Kiss!

My favorite band, too!

Rock and roll!

A few years later,

the stork brought my sister, Stephanie.

ALL : Aw!

WOMAN : She's so cute.

SCOTTY : They weren't close at all.

Oh, dropping her off at school. Yeah.

Then came me, Scotty F.

Did we have another child?

I forgot about that second baby. Oh, we had another child.

Anyways, Big Cheese.

I'm sorry, guys.

I promised myself I wasn't gonna do this.

ALL : Aw...

But I love you, Dad. Happy Birthday.

Way to go, Scotty!

I love you, too, buddy.

Thank you. Wow! (ALL APPLAUDING)

That was fantastic.

We've got one last surprise for you.

That's right. Ladies and gentlemen,

live from her dorm room at Stanford...

it's my sister, Stephanie!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hi, everyone! Hey, honey!

Hey, Steph! Hey, it's Kevin!

STEPHANIE : Hi, Kevin! Kevin.

Can we see? Sorry.

Hi, Momma. Hi!

Hi, Dad.

The birthday boy.

Hey, honey.

You guys look like you're having so much fun.

And I wish I could be there with you.

She's so sweet.

Yeah. Get out.

Yeah, I just wanted to say, Dad, that I love you.

I love you, too, honey.

I love you more. No, you don't.

Love you to the moon and back.

I'll let you win this round. Okay, Pops?

(LAUGHS)

Even though you're now like...

...ancient.

You are still...

What are you doing here?

LAIRD : You asked me to come over.

STEPHANIE : You're early. I said after 6:00.

LAIRD : All right. Give me a sec,

I'm on the phone. LAIRD : Got it.

STEPHANIE : Sorry. It's just my friend. Anyway.

(SINGING) Happy birthday to you

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Laird, what are you...

LAIRD : Go finish your call.

I'm just getting ready to Netflix and chill, baby.

No, not now, Laird. Oh, my goodness.

LAIRD : Kimmy Schmidt!

STEPHANIE : Pull up your pants. Marco Polo.

Oh, my God! (ALL GROANING)

How do you make it stop? (CAMERA CLICKS)

Whoa, whoa, Mom, you just took a screenshot.

Happy, happy birthday Happy, happy birthday

Kevin, help her out. Kevin.

Happy birthday, happy birthday

(ALL EXCLAIMING) (BARB SCREAMING)

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Mi oh my, it's a wonderful life

It's a wonderful life with you by my side

Mi oh my, it's a wonderful life

It's a wonderful life with you by my side

Hey, there he is. Happy birthday, Big Cheese.

Thanks, Jim.

Jerry. Hey, Ned.

Fun dinner last night. Hey, Jerry.

Thanks. Lou.

Hey, Cheese, can I have a minute?

Sure. Good morning, Joyce.

Great party.

Hold all his calls.

NED : You gotta be kidding me.

Big Lots is bailing out on us?

We've had that account since '06.

They're moving all their print work to China.

Oh, God.

Cheese, we're already getting pummeled by Evite, Stamp-Free

and the rest of those dot-coms.

And at this rate, we'll be Chapter 11 by March.

What about Dick's Sporting Goods?

Well, I mean, I'm still trading calls with my guy.

But, Ned, can I be honest with you?

I can't keep this from Patty much longer.

Lou, haven't I kept us going?

Yeah. I mean, it's what you do.

I just need a little more time. That's all.

You are the maestro.

Maybe you'll pull off a Christmas miracle.

Yeah. Yeah.

By the way, good job keeping that game face last night.

Oh. Thanks.

That was some shindig, man.

Yeah, it was fun.

Well, till the kid had his farter

all over the screen in 3-D.

I was like, "Whoa!

"That's a lot, man."

NED : And get this...

Stephanie now wants us to fly out...

to meet the man behind the crack over the holidays.

With everything that's going on here,

that's the last thing I want to do.

Well, hold on now.

This is the first serious boyfriend?

Yeah. Apparently.

I mean, it's so strange.

I mean, Stephanie and I have always been so close.

And yet she has never even mentioned this guy.

That's the way it goes, Cheese.

I thought I knew everything about Lou Junior,

when he was down at Ohio State.

Out of nowhere,

he comes dragging home this Buckeye

that he's been dating for over a year.

No. Yeah.

Nice girl, but still. She's so controlling.

I'm sorry. I don't mean it like that

because I don't know her that well.

But I don't like her.

I don't. Lou.

It's just what happens, you know?

Lou, what is the point of all this?

Go out there and meet him.

I know we going through a lot right now

but hell, Lou Junior is talking about getting married in May.

Married.

Once they're not under your roof,

there's no telling what they're into.

Oh, uh, that reminds me.

He does want you to speak at the wedding

and say some kind words. Oh.

I told him that I would talk to you about it.

And they'd like to get married at your house in the backyard.

Well... But anyway...

I'm just saying you might want to get out there and meet this kid.

Because, I mean, you saw it.

You saw it, he's a free spirit.

You mean...

You heard him come into the room.

He came in there guns blazing.

He had that revved up energy where he was like...

bow-bow-bow-bow.

He just wants to go and go and go...

and just morning, noon and night,

and "Stephanie, here I am.

"Stephanie, here I come. I'm coming again."

I remember being that age, don't you?

Just always ready.

(EXCLAIMING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(WOMAN SINGING) Come on, it's lovely weather

For a sleigh ride together with you

Thanks for coming.

Oh, gosh, it is so gorgeous here.

I'm very excited that you guys are all out here.

BARB : We're very excited.

There's a few things that I wanna tell you about Laird

that I didn't feel like getting into over the phone because...

Watch, honey...

You missed our exit.

STEPHANIE : Actually, I missed it on purpose.

Laird and I thought,

it'd be better if we all stayed at his house.

NED : His house?

When did this come up? Did you know about this?

Are you sure his parents have enough room?

I mean, he doesn't live with his parents.

Honey, we're not gonna be comfortable at some crash pad.

He lives by himself. It's not a crash pad,

but it's much nicer than the Sheraton.

NED : Nicer than the club floor?

I smooth-talked the manager.

We got a suite at the regular rate.

What? That's what I'm talking about, Big Cheese.

That is impressive. We have to turn back.

Free continental breakfast. Yes.

Mint on the pillow, turndown service,

all things available at the Sheraton.

I mean, is your lover going to have that?

Your lover? Your lover?

We already all know that you've seen his penis.

STEPHANIE : What? Scott!

SCOTTY : What?

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

Sleigh bells ring Are you listening

BARB : Well, this is cute.

STEPHANIE : Actually, this is the gatehouse.

NED : Gatehouse?

A beautiful sight We're happy tonight

SCOTTY : What the heck?

Is that a facial recognition scanner?

Mmm-hmm.

That's so cool.

Gone away is the bluebird Here to stay is the new bird

The hedge is moving.

He sings a love song As we go along

Walking in a winter wonderland

Honey, who exactly are you dating?

Laird started this company called Guerrilla Gang.

You play Ape Assassins, right?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, that was my jam in the eighth grade.

Great, that's him.

So, he makes video games?

SCOTTY : Apps, Dad. STEPHANIE : This is it!

BARB : This is his house? Mmm-hmm.

Are you sure this isn't an Apple Store or something?

(IN A GERMAN ACCENT) Oh, my God.

What is up, you gang?

STEPHANIE : I know!

The Flemings are here. You have arrived!

Hi, buddy. Hi.

Hello, sweetheart.

Don't touch anything. How was traffic?

It was okay. Hi, they're here!

NED : Hello.

Hello to you, Ned Fleming.

Barbara. Yes.

You are perfect.

Well, thank you. Oh, my God.

And this must be the main man. Scotty, huh?

Yup. All right. Hey. (LAUGHS)

Who are you? STEPHANIE : Gustav.

I am Gustav. Yes.

I never know how to describe you.

Um, well, estate manager is cool, Stephy, yes.

That works.

I used to run the Four Seasons group in Asia

but after some point, you know,

the corporate life becomes a bit of a snooze-fest.

You know, "Tiffany's this, Cartier that."

But, you know. Just dot, dot, dot. Enough already.

You know what I'm talking about, Ned.

Oh, yeah. Sure. (GUSTAV LAUGHS)

Boring.

Where's Laird? Laird is upstairs.

He is just finishing a teleconference.

He'll be right out.

Oh, okay. Why don't we go up then?

Laird, I'm Ned.

No, no, no.

No, this is Randy. That's not Laird.

He's our intern.

Just graduated summa cum laude at MIT.

So Randy, shake a leg. Get their luggages.

Yes, sir.

The motherfucking Flemings are in the house!

Yes!

This is fucking awesome!

Get up here. I'm so psyched to meet you.

Family, baby. Fuck yeah!

Oh, my God.

Scotty.

Yes, my brotha! Welcome.

Hey, Barb. Hi.

Oh.

Welcome.

Hey, Ned. All right.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. So glad you're here.

Yes. Hey. Hi.

Hey, baby. Hi.

I fucking missed you.

Why aren't you wearing a shirt on your body?

Oh.

Don't worry about that. I have a little surprise.

Let's stay half an hour and then we go back to the hotel.

That's a good plan. Thank you.

Dad, come on. This place is so sick.

Yeah, it's sick. 25 minutes.

That's it.

Hey! Just leave her alone.

Hey, oh, Ned. Ned.

Ned, would you look at that.

That's your face, Sis. Oh.

Very good likeness.

Oh, thanks. Yeah.

The Stephy tattoo. I got it, like, a week after we met, right?

One week. You know, right on my heart.

Great. Okay, do you guys want to go see the house?

Uh... We probably should...

We came to stop and say hey. Yeah. We should go.

Actually, no.

No. Before we go, um...

I have a little surprise for everybody.

(EXHALES) Shit. I'm fucking nervous.

Do you want to consult me about it?

You want to talk to me before you...

You know what? No, I'm just jumpin' in. All right?

I'm just going to do this.

Laird, it's going to be fucking great.

Ta-da!

Oh, my God.

I just got it done this morning

SCOTTY : Yeah. I bet it's red, huh?

I need a little feedback.

Is that our Christmas card? Yes.

Yeah! That's exactly what I used. How'd you know?

Look, he even got Noodle in there.

Hurt like balls.

Gosh, it says "Happy Holidays" and everything.

What?

Get the fuck out of here. Okay.

It says "Happy Holidays?"

Barb, fuck you.

God damn.

I gave the guy the Christmas card.

I didn't know he put "Happy Holidays" on there.

Wow. Fuck.

Guess it's stuck on there, huh? (LAUGHS)

Oops. Fuck.

Well, you know, you guys were coming over...

I was so excited, I just had to do something, you know?

Well, that is something, all right.

You know what? Sometimes, you just got to say, "Fuck it."

Fuck it!

You should... Laird,

this is a 15-year-old child.

So, we don't really...

Oh, shit.

You don't say fuck? SCOTTY : No, Mom, I...

Heck yeah, I cuss.

No, you don't.

You do? Yeah.

Oh, he cusses. No, you don't.

Yeah, bro, what's your favorite cuss word?

Oh, boy.

Don't egg him on like that.

What's your favorite?

Uh... NED : Hmm.

Titties.

Titties? Titties.

Stop it. Stop that. (BARB SIGHS)

Titties? Classic.

Okay. We should be going.

Nice one. What else you got? Asshole.

LAIRD : Asshole. All right. That's enough.

Okay. Another good body part.

What else? Dicking. Double dicking.

Double dicking. Okay.

Wait. Hold on. Double dicking?

Are you happy? That's a new one on me, bro.

What the fuck is that?

What the hell is that? Is that like dick to dick?

Okay! Good night! We're going to the hotel.

This kid is nasty and I fucking like it.

Yeah. Yes!

All right, let's do the tour.

I'll show you around! All right?

Just throw your shit anywhere.

You little double-dicker, come on.

Throw your stuff anywhere.

By the way, I'm a huge fan.

I'm part of the online Ape Army.

Awesome.

You know, this is what I was trying to tell you guys in the car.

This is okay here?

Do you want to take your coat off?

Uh, no. Nope. I'm fine.

(BARB SIGHS) Come on, guys.

All right, so this here's the kitch.

This is where we keep the food.

The dining room.

That's a sculpture of a couple people fucking.

(STEPHANIE SQUIRMS) Painting of a fat squirrel.

And this one's called "Triple Team,"

self-explanatory.

All right. This is the den.

These dudes are just testing out video games.

Ned, Stephy says that you're pretty serious about your bowling,

so I had a couple lanes installed.

STEPHANIE : Oh, my God.

BARB : None of this was here?

No.

You said you were fixing a crack in the foundation.

Is that us?

Yeah, I got the images off your league's Facebook page.

SCOTTY : That's so insane.

Dad, look, he even got in your signature "crotch chop."

Oh, yeah.

STEPHANIE : Wow.

LAIRD : All right, this here is where we develop a few apps

for the Apple and Android platforms.

Hey, gang, say hi to the Flemings.

Hey, guys. Hey, what's up?

Wait, I don't understand. Do your employees live here?

Uh, maybe some of them do. I don't really know.

Gustav is actually an amazing architect.

We designed this place together.

BARB : When did you go to Machu Picchu?

Hun, when did you put these up?

What the heck is that moose?

That's a Phillip Manfredi.

LAIRD : Great pick-up, Barb.

Stephy told me that you're this amazing art and photography professor.

That's awesome. STEPHIE : Mmm-hmm.

I teach a couple of classes at a local community college.

Don't be so modest, Mom.

You're an amazing photographer.

Oh, that looks like a real dead moose.

Well, that's exactly what it is, Ned.

A dead moose suspended in its own urine.

It's meant to symbolize the way

that our culture has imprisoned our minds.

Oh.

I got to tell you, Ned,

great art really gets me aroused.

It's actually a very strong aphrodisiac.

Laird.

Not that you need any help getting turned on by that gorgeous woman.

Honey.

What? Your mom is beautiful.

She is. She deserves some props for that.

Well, I'll take a compliment wherever I can get one.

Well, here's another one. You got a bangin' bod, too.

BARB : All right.

Hey, what's going on, everyone?

LAIRD : Richard Blais, everybody.

This is the maestro of molecular gastronomy.

Oh, my God.

That's that cute one from Top Chef.

Oh, he's the one who goes, "Bam!"

No, that's Emeril. He's a fucking dick, that guy.

Dickie Blais what's up?

Yeah, so Laird thought it would be a fun idea to do a pop-up restaurant

just in your honor tonight.

Did he? Yeah.

And I have here a little amuse-bouche.

So if anyone's looking for a little pre-dinner snack,

you can head on up here.

Count me in, 'cause I'm famished.

All right.

There are so many surprises.

(CHUCKLES)

I know.

You're hungry, you've come to the right place.

I've got surf and turf for you.

Steak and lobster.

Yum, yum.

My version of surf and turf, edible soil and plankton foam.

Dig in. Oh.

Wow, can't wait for dinner.

No.

Hey, so I think it's going great, right?

I think they've already accepted me.

I'm getting a little bit of a different vibe.

Oh, really? Like what?

Don't try so hard.

I'm not, what do you mean?

You put in a bowling alley for my dad

and you got a tattoo of my entire family on your back.

Oh.

Was the tattoo too much?

Yes. Fuck.

Shit, I knew it.

Yeah, Gustav said the same thing.

Okay, don't worry...

I won't get any more tattoos of them while they're here.

Thank you. Okay.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Okay.

Oh, one more thing, stop calling them motherfuckers

and talking about how hot my mom is.

Well, she's sneaky sexy, took me by surprise.

Dude, she is a MILF, like a genuine MILF.

And if it wasn't your MILF, she'd be a MIWF...

a mother I would fuck.

Mmm-mmm.

But I won't. Okay.

Of course. Thank you.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(NED SIGHS)

All right, it's pretty. Yeah.

You know...

It's a lot. (STAMMERS)

Yes! I mean, the moose... Yes.

And the language. Come on!

Mmm-hmm. A real moose!

And he's coming onto your mother. That's not okay.

And the tattoo?

The tattoo! And how...

32 Oh, my. And you're...

22. Yes!

You didn't like the mural of you and Scotty

down in the new bowling alley?

The bowling alley with the mural is...

And the bowling alley is regulation.

That's quite nice

and that's very rare to have something that nice.

And the polish that he used was quite...

It was good. But...

I'm sorry.

I should have told you.

About everything, of course. (SCOFFS)

Honestly, I didn't know how to explain him over the phone.

I just kept imagining...

Mom Googling Laird Mayhew

and you guys jumping to conclusions

before you even got a chance to know him.

Well, now we know him. (SIGHS)

No, you don't.

You've been here for 15 minutes.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I wouldn't have asked you to come out here

and miss Christmas in Michigan

for the first time ever, if he wasn't...

...really important to me.

Hmm.

Okay.

(MUTTERS) You'll give him a chance?

Okay. Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Come here. (CHUCKLES)

I love you.

I love you, too.

So if I did Google him, what would I find?

Don't do it.

Oh.

Just don't Google him.

Oh.

Well, I still don't see it.

Darling, this is the male, and he's thrusting.

Oh, God.

All right, everybody, dinner is served!

Scotty! Come on, grab a stump.

Dad, you wanna go there? Mom.

You sure you don't want to take off your coat?

No. I'm good.

We do it family style here, so everyone just dig in.

It's super cas.

Okay, so we have three dishes for this evening.

We have sous-vide geoduck.

We have Mission-style sea urchin burritos...

STEPHANIE : Yum.

...with edible paper.

LAIRD : Because you're a printer.

And last but not least... Sweet.

...we have smoked California bear.

Enjoy.

Oh, shit!

Thanks, Blais.

Bear? LAIRD : Mmm.

Yo, Scotty, you see The Revenant?

No, I wanted to,

but my parents don't really let me watch R-rated movies.

You're darn right we don't. He's only 15.

You want some paper? Yes, certainly. Thank you.

I don't know what section that is.

Because that bear fucked that dude up!

Now we're gonna fuck this bear up.

Hey, what about that language?

Oh, shit. Sorry.

BARB : Ah, I think I've got the arts section here.

You better slow down, Barb.

You're gonna be full before you get to the funnies.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Ned.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, um, how did you two meet?

Uh, you want me to go? Yeah.

Okay.

Laird sponsored a talk on campus

with Doctor Joanne Liu,

the head of Doctors Without Borders.

Oh!

Melinda Gates got me totally pumped

about issues in the developing world.

Now I'm obsessed.

Wow.

That's Bill Gates' wife. LAIRD : Yeah.

She's great. NED : Yeah.

That's terrific.

That's Steph's field of interest, too, so that's great.

Yeah, I know.

Ned, you should've seen her at the talk.

She asked the most intelligent question. I was blown away.

Really? What did I say?

You were like...

"Hey, what's the connection between

"women's health and population density

"in indigenous communities?"

I was like, "Bam! Who's that?"

That's so sweet of you to remember that.

Of course I remember. Mmm...

The first time I saw you. BARB : That's our girl.

She's always been the smartest person in the room.

So true. Yeah.

And the sexiest. My God. Well.

I couldn't keep my eyes off her.

Her hair, and her eyes.

Very pretty eyes.

The way her spine gently arches

to meet the top of her tailbone.

I just wanna pitch a tent and live in there. You know what I mean?

No. You're taking it too far.

Quite the outdoorsman.

I just mean she's got a great body.

Oh, well, yes. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

She's a darling girl.

Like you, Barb. STEPHANIE : Great genes.

Okay.

Two fit women.

I'll have to agree with you there.

Ol' Slamming Bod Barb.

(LAUGHING)

Two fit women and two lucky dudes...

And one double-dicker.

(LAUGHS)

Okay, well.

Laird, when did you graduate from Stanford?

Oh, I didn't go to Stanford, bro.

I hardly even graduated from high school.

He's being modest.

He actually started writing code

for Sun Microsystems when he was 13.

That's true. Wow, that's just like me.

I've been interning at the Fleming Company

since, what, the seventh grade?

Mm-hmm. Yup.

Future CEO, but you are going to college.

I know, Dad. I know. I know. Just like your sister.

So, Steph, weren't your surprised

that this big tech mogul wanted to date you?

He said he was some low-level programmer at Uber.

I had no idea that he sponsored the entire event.

So he lied to you.

Oh, Ned, I had to.

I mean there are so many gold diggers in Silicon Valley.

They just wanna fuck you for your tech money.

Language, baby. You gotta be careful.

I didn't spill the beans till April.

April? That's eight months ago. What?

Steph, over the phone, you said

you've only known each other for a couple of months.

It was super casual at first. No.

No, it was not.

We exchanged I love you's on the third date.

Remember? Right after we... The third date?

made love in the hot tub at Esalen in Big Sur?

No, no, no.

Where, what? Esalen in Big Sur.

Really?

Ned. Don't get the wrong idea.

It was not sexual at all. It was so much more than that.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm confused.

Did you have intercourse or not?

Scotty, shut it.

Dad, I'm just trying to connect the dots here.

Look. Yeah, we did.

But what I'm saying is I was transformed.

Stephy opened up like a flower.

You should have seen it.

I shouldn't have seen it, but now I feel like I have.

I just want your parents to know

that you're living with someone

who's completely devoted to you.

Wait a minute. What-ing with someone?

You say you're living together? Yeah.

No. We do not.

Okay, five nights out of seven.

Your stuff is here.

You don't really stay at the dorm.

(EXCLAIMING)

Do you have a toothbrush here?

Yeah. That's cohabitating.

Scotty, stop talking and eat your paper.

STEPHANIE : Dad, we do not live together.

Yeah, we're cohabitating.

"Opened up like a flower."

Honey, I'm looking at the Esalen website right now

and there's nothing dirty about it.

You go up there for yoga classes and things like that.

They've been practically living together for a year.

Why didn't she just tell us that?

Where the heck are the towels?

He's even affected Scotty.

What is a double dicking, for crying out loud?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh. Uh...

There she is.

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. She's gonna...

She better explain what the heck is going on here.

All right, so be nice.

Be like, "Oh, my God. I love your boyfriend. He's so normal."

I'm good.

Hi.

Hi, uh...

I thought you'd be Stephanie.

Steph's super pooped.

We had a big fight because of the way I behaved at dinner.

Don't worry, we took a shower together and worked it out.

But I snuck out to have a little check in.

Okay. Well...

Ned, would you come join us?

(STAMMERS) I'm good here.

Oh, please. This is an Alaskan king.

There's so much room.

So much room.

It'd really mean a lot to me. Please?

Okay.

Hey.

(BARB CLEARS THROAT)

I owe you two an apology.

When I get nervous

all kinds of crap comes flying out of my mouth

and I know that's not how you guys roll.

No.

I was just trying to make a good impression.

Yeah. Well, you did. It was...

I mean you didn't, but it's okay.

It was an awkward dinner.

It was a unique situation for...

Yeah, but let's all just move on.

Okay. Great.

Truth be told,

I haven't spent a lot of time with parental figures.

I don't know if you know this, but I never knew my father.

Yeah, he picked up my mom in this bar in Oakland.

They had some sloppy car sex, and then never spoke again.

Yeah.

I'm not really close with my mom, either.

To be frank, she's kind of a motherfucking bitch.

(BARB EXCLAIMS)

If I had a nickel for every time I...

Yeah.

We're sorry to hear that.

That's some tough stuff, pal.

Yup. That's...

That's...

All right. Well, it's getting late, so...

BARB : Yeah.

I'm in love with your daughter, dudes.

And I'm just so fucking psyched

to get to know the people that raised her.

Mmm-hmm.

And we're gonna do Christmas just like you do at home.

Tomorrow night,

I'm gonna throw a party in your honor.

Oh, you don't have to go to the trouble.

You don't... It's not.

We're gonna do all the holiday shit.

Okay. Hmm. All the shit.

Ned, I'd love some guy time with you.

So maybe we could take a walk tomorrow morning?

Okay. Okay, cool.

Justine, will you set Ned an alarm for 6:30 a.m.?

JUSTINE : You got it, Laird.

Ned, an alarm's been set for you for 6:30 en la mañana.

What? Who is that?

(CHUCKLES)

That's Justine.

Yeah, she's like Siri, but awesome.

I got that chick from The Big Bang Theory,

Kaley Cuoco, to do the voice.

J, say hi.

JUSTINE : Hey, Ned. Hey, Barb. How are you guys?

Hi. BARB : Oh, my God.

Stephanie's told me so much about you.

Anything you need, I'm here.

BARB : Okay. NED : Thank you.

She can't... Can she see us?

She says that she can't, but I think that she can.

JUSTINE : What the fuck are you talking about?

You know I can't see them.

(WHISPERS) She's a perv.

Laird.

Anyway, I hope you two have a nice night's rest.

Yeah, have a good night. Great night.

Have a great night. Yeah.

My instinct is to hug you right now.

Oh. No. BARB : I don't think you...

That's okay. Oh.

Oh, my God. Barb.

Good night.

Peace.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(MAN SINGING) Baby, I want to trim your...

Baby, I want to trim your...

Baby, I want to trim your...

Beautiful Christmas tree

I'm gonna bring along my hatchet

My beautiful Christmas balls

I'll sprinkle my snow upon your tree

And hang a mistletoe on your walls

Baby, I want to trim your...

Oh, beautiful Christmas tree

(CLEARS THROAT)

Barb? There's no toilet paper.

Uh-oh.

Would you get a roll for me, please?

Papa make a poopie?

Yes. I made a poopie.

Did Daddy do a doo-doo?

Barb, just get the toilet paper, please?

All right. Well, you sit tight.

I'm gonna go find you some TP.

Thank you.

Of course.

Mr. Playboy.

Unbelievable.

Who is that?

She's a bit of a Plain Jane.

BARB : Darling? Yeah. Yup.

Just, um, crack the door and toss the roll, please.

It's gonna be a little more complicated than that.

Good morning, Ned.

(GROANS) It's Gustav.

Great.

As I've already told Barb, we are a paperless household.

Paperless? What?

BARB : It's a paperless house, darling.

NED : I got that.

But how am I supposed to complete my business?

Well, all Japanese toilets

have a very effective and pleasant cleaning spray.

And I will be very happy

to walk you through the entire process. Oh, God.

Ned, please locate the control panel to your left.

Okay, I see it.

Now on that control panel is a button

that shows an image of water spraying up.

Okay. And I just push it?

Just press it, yes.

(COUGHS)

Was that cologne?

Oh! Cologne? Oh, yes!

That is a designer-scented talcum powder.

But that button should not have activated that.

Ned, that is what is called Big Pony for Men by the Ralph Lauren.

I'm excited to try.

Can we please just continue? All right.

Ned? Yes.

I would like to apologize sincerely again.

This is the 2018 model that you are on right now,

so they have not yet made

an instruction manual in English yet.

So I'm going to take care of this on my end, all right?

So Ned, you focus on your end in there

and I will focus on your end out here.

BARB : That's too good. This is it.

This should do it, Ned. (PHONE BEEPING)

(WHIRRING) Okay. Something's whirring.

Something's spinning around in there.

No! Turn it off!

Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!

God!

GUSTAV : Oh, scheisse!

We are having some technical difficulties.

That was the vaginal cleanse.

The what cleanse?

I just want a square of toilet paper.

The vaginal cleanse.

Which I hear is refreshing

and apparently also very stimulating.

Just saying.

(GRUNTING)

Ned?

Really?

I'm so sorry, Ned...

but I'm going to have to manually reboot the system from the inside.

In here?

I am so sorry.

Fine.

NED : Why not?

Barb, would you close the door? Sorry.

It's gonna be great.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Ned, I am blinders.

I see nothing. I smell nothing.

The print is very small. Mm-hmm.

Okay, forgive me.

I can't see the instructions.

All right. What do we have here?

Hmm...

(SIGHS)

(FARTS GENTLY)

(STOMACH GROWLING)

I had some stomach problems last night.

I think it was the bear.

I can guarantee you, it was the bear.

(JUSTINE CLEARS THROAT)

Turning on the fan. (SWITCH CLICKS)

Great. Wunderbar.

How'd it go?

I am so sorry that it took so long.

Ned, I'm going to need you to be completely still

while we try to lock in your location.

I'm sitting on a toilet, that's pretty still.

GUSTAV : Searching, searching, und searching.

And we have target achieved!

And sploosh!

(BIDET HISSING) Oh!

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

There you go, girls.

You raise chickens?

All free-range.

Cows, too.

Pigs, artisanal llamas.

Everything you eat here

comes from within a 500-yard radius.

I call it "lawn to table eating."

There she is.

Hey, Daisy. (GRUNTS)

Oh. Hi.

(GRUNTS) Go on, get.

So glad we're doing this, Ned.

I feel like I know you after everything that Steph's told me about you,

but still not the same...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Do you submit? Fuck you!

Gustav! Ned, stay away!

You wanna fight?

Tap out! (GROANING) No!

You want to tap out.

Okay, okay! Fine!

GUSTAV : Nice work!

And your reactions are getting quicker.

Really? Absolutely.

Thanks.

I am so sorry, Ned. I just didn't want you to get hurt.

Wait, so you just do this Pink Panther thing?

Pink Panther? Pink Panther?

The Pink Panther from the Pink Panther movies.

When Cato attacks Inspector Clouseau to keep him sharp.

Are those really old? I never heard of it.

I'm not familiar, either,

but it sounds absolutely charming.

Pink Panther.

The movies? Mm-hmm.

Cato is his assistant, his houseboy.

Houseboy? Well, it's...

That sounds racist.

He did call him "my little yellow friend." But...

I'm sorry, you have to understand, Ned.

Laird is the CEO of a massive tech company.

LAIRD : I don't like bodyguards around

so I have Goose train me in case I get kidnapped or whatever.

By the way, your Chun Kuk Do moves were very solid.

But what happened to the evasive parkour?

Ah, evasive parkour. Yeah.

I totally fucking spaced!

GUSTAV : There's always room to improve.

All right. Thanks, man.

You got it, brother.

All right, ciao for now, you friends.

And you guys have a lovely chat.

Ned, come on. I wanna show you my office.

You know, that's like classic Pink Panther.

This is where you work, huh? LAIRD : Yeah.

I have a den in the house where I do the financial stuff

but this is where all the big ideas happen.

Don't you need a computer and...

Nah. My girl Justine records everything.

Right, J?

JUSTINE : Yep, I'm here. Hey, Ned.

Hey, why don't you play back a blip from yesterday's session?

All right, hold on. Fuck. There's so much shit up here in your Cloud.

Okay, okay got it.

LAIRD : Come on, idiot, think. Names for games. Um...

Ape Assassins Six: Capuchin Chaos.

Uh, Silverback Salsa.

Baboon Bukkake.

Fuck! Wow, that's awful!

(CHUCKLES) Bad idea.

Why? Why's that?

Uh...

What does that mean?

Bukkake?

Oh, um...

Just means a lot of things are happening

and you're feeling overwhelmed.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. I've felt bukkake before.

Hmm...

Grab a seat. Make yourself comf. Let's break it down.

Just pop down right here on the floor.

There you go.

Ned, I think you and I have so much in common.

We see something we want and we just dive in

and we take it.

Know what I mean?

Yeah.

Which is why...

...on Christmas Day...

I'm going to ask Stephy to marry me.

And I know how tight you two are.

Mm-hmm.

So I'd really, really

like your blessing.

(MUTTERS INAUDIBLY)

Uh, Laird.

Really appreciate you coming to me.

'Course.

But, uh, the answer's no.

Dude, I'm so confused.

What the fuck? What the hell?

This went so much differently

when I rehearsed it with Gustav.

Yeah. I asked you and you were like,

"Yeah, dude. My son."

Laird. Listen to me, okay.

Beside the fact that I don't know you from a hole in the wall...

Stephanie is just not ready for this step in her life.

Oh, I'm totally getting the signals that she is.

I'm her father, I know her pretty well.

Okay, all right. All right, Ned...

Dude, I know I sprung this on you.

My bad. Okay? Let's just back it up.

All right? All right.

Why don't you give me a few days to win you over, okay?

And by Christmas morning...

I promise, you're going to be calling me "son."

I'm gonna be calling you "Dad".

Don't think that's going to happen.

I think it's gonna, Dad.

Don't.

(CHUCKLES) Dad, come on.

Don't call me "Dad." Don't call you "Dad"?

I'm not your dad.

I mean, you're gonna be my dad.

No. No.

What, Dad? (SIGHS)

Okay, now you're playing with me.

All right. Dad.

Look, Laird.

Why do you even care about what I think?

You're Stephanie's father.

I'm not gonna ask Stephanie to marry me unless I have your blessing.

Okay.

Justine, did you get that?

JUSTINE : Totes. Yeah, recorded every word.

Totes. And totes is what?

It means totally. But totally's kind of long, so "totes" is just easier.

Okay. Good.

Okay. Okay.

All right, cool. Yeah.

But you gotta promise me

that you won't tell Steph anything about this.

About any of this.

Trust me, that is the last thing in the world I will do.

For reals, dude. I want it to be a surprise.

No word. I won't say a word.

Barb and Scotty, too. No clowning.

No clowning.

What?

I'd just feel a lot better about this if we pinky swore.

(LAUGHS)

Oh.

I see what you mean. Cool.

Go get breakfast. Okay.

Fuck!

Sup, guys?

DEVELOPER 1 : Hey, boss. DEVELOPER 2 : Mayhew!

(MAN RAPPING OVER RADIO) ...took a little longer

Go into the school gonna run another banger

The fuck? Come with me immediately.

The hell is this room?

Randy, get the fuck out.

Yes, sir, Gustav. Mm-hmm.

I am on the needles und pins.

I need you to tell me how it went right now

or I'm going to burst.

He said no! What? Okay, okay.

But how did you respond?

I was blindsided, man. I didn't know what to do.

I challenged him.

Okay. I started calling him Dad.

Oy vey. The fuck, man!

Why would you call him Dad? You're putting him at unease!

You have to find a way in.

You have to do something for him that's truly special

so that he knows that your intentions are pure.

Dude, Goose, I don't know how to talk to the guy.

It's like we speak two different languages or something.

You do. Yeah.

He speaks English.

And you speak English with resounding amounts of "fuck."

All right, Stephanie's been on my case, too.

Yes. I got it.

All right? Okay.

Right. All right, man.

Great. Great.

You just fucking really hit me really hard.

I know. I am sorry.

It's just, Laird...

...your relationship with Miss Stephanie

is very special. It's the real deal.

Hey. Yes.

Goose, I know I pay you a shit-ton of money,

but you're my best friend.

Our friendship is priceless.

Hey. Thanks, brother.

(BOTH SIGHING)

(GROANING)

Okay.

(GROANING)

Okay. Ow! Mercy. Mercy.

Fuck.

Bro, you're incredible.

That was very imaginative

how you took that tender moment

and used it as your pivot to attack.

Yeah. Very good.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What's up, Cheese?

I'm about to go to the football game.

Lions, baby!

NED : Great. How's business?

Tell me something good.

Oh, uh...

I talked to my guy over at Dick's Sporting Goods.

Don't tell me they're going with China, too.

Worse.

Freaking online banner ads.

No. Damn it. All right, listen.

I'm gonna call Don Millis at Subaru of Southern Michigan.

I heard a little rumor that they might be looking for a new dance partner.

Yeah, Don, the big guy, right?

You guys go back to your car selling days.

Yeah. It's worth a shot. Listen...

I need you to go in and pull his card

from my rolodex while I look for a pen.

You got it, Cheese. No, you got it.

So how goes it in Cali?

It feels like we've landed in The Twilight Zone.

Did you find the card?

Yeah. I got it right here.

Just hang on.

I have nothing to write with here.

This whole house is paperless.

Paperless?

Well, how do you wipe your ass?

You don't.

They have these Japanese toilets that... (HISSES)

It's one of those little squat jobs, little squatter.

No. Just... never mind. Just give me the number.

JUSTINE : Hey, Ned, I'm here.

I can take it down for you.

Justine, please just... I'm fine.

Just go away.

All right, I'm just trying to help.

You don't have to be such a dick.

LOU : Whoa, whoa. Cheese, who is that?

She's got a foul little mouth.

Is that the kid's secretary you fighting with?

No, no, no. That's the woman who lives in the ceiling.

Cheese, what she look like?

The woman who lives...

You say she lives in the ceiling?

She's a disembodied voice that...

Never mind. I'll explain later.

The voice sounds sexy.

Are they using somebody famous?

JUSTINE : I wouldn't say too famous.

You know, million dollars a week,

biggest show in the world, no big deal. (COUGHS)

Lou. She can hear me?

JUSTINE : Of course I can hear you.

How you doin', baby?

(LAUGHS) Better now that I'm talking with you.

NED : Just give me the number. I'm calling him now.

Let's catch some waves.

VIDEO GAME GORILLA : Tsunami. SCOTTY : That guy's cool.

Yeah, Goose is the best.

Oh...

Laird, I'm gonna be honest with you, buddy.

Okay.

Gorillas in board shorts is a fun touch.

Yeah. I'll give you that.

But when the only mission is to get to shore,

I'm not feeling enough drama there.

You know?

You know what? You're so fucking right.

Fuck!

We've been developing this limp dick for months.

You come and you play it for five minutes,

you know exactly what's wrong with it.

You're a sharp little fucker. You know that?

Thank you.

I mean, for real, man. I appreciate it.

It's just nice to be listened to.

What do you mean?

I'm gonna be running my dad's business one day.

Uh-huh.

But he won't even listen to any of my ideas about innovation.

What? Right?

You're next gen, dude.

It's where all the new seeds come from. Everyone knows that.

And I told him that. I was like...

"Dad, if you're gonna unleash me to my full potentsh...

"I need a seat at the table."

He just won't listen to me.

Um... Get that seat!

I will get that seat.

Gotta get that seat, Scotty. That's my seat.

Nobody else touch it. No.

Where is that seat? It's at the fucking table.

(SCOFFS) And I'm gonna get that seat at that table.

You deserve a fucking throne, dawg.

Yeah, the Iron Throne. Iron Throne.

Iron Throne. Game of Thrones over here!

I'm breathing fire and grabbing titties left and right.

Fucking King Joffrey up in this.

Those are my titties!

You're the next in line. That's me.

My man.

Oh, God.

They're paying your student loans.

Oh.

NED : Stamp Free Invites.

(CHIMES)

Oh, man.

Ho, ho, ho! (DOG BARKS)

(LLAMA GRUNTS)

BARB : Wow.

Is that a horse? That is a llama.

Oh, a llama. Hi.

Hello.

BARB : Oh, my goodness. Hey, girl.

We don't have those in...

Dad!

There you are. This is insane!

Oh, you working on the books?

Uh, yeah, you know. Just the little stuff.

I was thinking about Laird's Christmas party.

Gustav gave me a preview of the guest list.

And, Dad, it is a veritable "who's who"

of Silicon Valley power players.

Tyson Modell is coming!

Wait, who is he? What?

He's the kid who founded Ghostchat.

Oh, right.

He turned down three billion dollars from Facebook,

and he's only 24 years old.

I'm gonna broker a sit-down between you two.

Dad, thank you for telling me to pack a blazer.

Now, should I throw on a tie or should I keep it business casual?

Scotty, just listen to me, all right?

Most of these Internet companies

are built on smoke and mirrors.

What?

Don't get sucked in.

That whole industry is based on hooey.

I'm gonna drop some knowledge on you.

Times are changing, Pops.

And not everything you think is hooey is hooey.

Wow. That's profound.

Profound.

And you...

Hooey-meister himself.

You're nothing but an octopus.

An octopus.

(EDM PLAYING)

LAIRD : (ON TAPE) Merry fuckin' Christmas

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

What are you pouring?

We are doing a deconstructed eggnog tonight.

Eggnog. Yes. Thank you.

Where you from, boss?

Michigan.

Oh, Michigan. You in the car business?

Uh, no. Printing. Ned Fleming.

Elon Musk. Elon Musk?

Yeah. Tesla, Elon Musk?

Yeah. Wow.

How do you know Laird?

Uh...

He's dating my daughter.

Uh-oh.

Nice talking to you. Yeah.

What?

Oh, hey! Hi, honey!

Could I get a glass of white wine, please?

Ooh, hiya, handsome. Hi!

You look great. Oh, come on.

No, you do. Thank you.

I'm just getting in the holiday spirit.

So what were you talking to Laird about for so long?

I got the entire Mayhew family saga.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

No, no, turns out it was pretty interesting actually.

His mother was a secretary at one of these tech companies.

Can I interest you in a Kobe beef slider?

Ooh, yum. Real food?

Yes, I'm starving.

Wait, what?

Oh, God.

Ma'am? Kobe squirt? No, thanks.

Thank you.

It's actually pretty tasty.

Anyway, she saw all these young programmers getting rich.

So she basically forced Laird

to spend his entire childhood inside, learning computers.

I think that's kind of sad, right?

He ate it. Hmm.

He's an octopus.

That kid is wrapping his tentacles

around every member of this family.

He's manipulating you.

Darling, we need to bring this down a notch.

Okay? You think you're at war with Laird.

But he's not fighting. It's just you.

Come on, let's go meet his friends.

They look darling.

Oh, God.

Totally tanked porting the thin-client apps for the JDK build.

The fuck? So you had to rewrite all the code?

Mm-hmm. By myself.

LAIRD : But did you do it? Oh, you know I did!

Hey, there they are! Hi.

Looking like a babe.

Look who's looking sharp.

Okay! Hello!

Tyson, these are Stephanie's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Fleming.

Oh, no. Barb and Ned, please.

So it was fucked up, man.

It took me two weeks

on the J2EE database... (MOUTHING)

trying to get the interface to react with the server...

so I can get the containers up and running again.

I'm sorry. Tyson, what's a J2EE?

Java 2 Platform Enterprise Edition.

Do you not write code? Sorry.

This guy's the worst. Yeah.

I'm actually more of a personal relations kind of guy.

Like account management, client services. That kind of stuff.

Dude, this kid is fucking awesome.

Yes, Ned is grooming Scotty to take over our family business.

That's right.

We own a printing business in Michigan.

Really? I'm sure you're familiar

with those two siblings over there

since you're in the printing business.

Yo, brother-sister act! You gotta meet this guy.

Hello!

Hey! Blaine and Missy Pederman.

Hi, I'm Barb Fleming.

This is my husband. Ned.

I'm Scott Fleming. Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry, we were told we might know you,

but I'm afraid we don't.

Blaine and Missy started Stamp Free Invites.

Oh, okay.

Right.

What's up?

Did the server forget to send a reminder

for your birthday party or something?

No, he is actually in the printing business.

Oh, shit. Whoops.

No, no.

We didn't put you out of business or anything?

No.

What? Ruin our business? No, no.

We're doing quite well. Thank you.

Oh, that's great!

Good for you! Honestly, good for you.

We love little mom-and-pop printers.

So inspirational. So important. Mm-hmm.

My dad has more of a factory.

Not to brag, but we're a pretty big shop.

People need paper. They need something to write on.

They love the feel of that card stock in their hands.

Yeah.

MISSY : I've never heard anyone say that.

Hmm. We have not found that at all.

Yeah. Nope.

I think we come from two different worlds.

Yes, we do.

You better start learning code pretty fucking fast, dude.

Dude, Ned was crushing it

since before you two were fighting over your mother's titties.

BLAINE : Our mom didn't breastfeed us.

Laird, you know we had a wet nurse.

Oh, I can tell.

Boy, I'll tell you, I don't know what's going on.

I'm lost.

I'm overwhelmed. Yeah! Me, too.

There's bukkake floating all around me.

BARB : What? Hm?

What's bukkake?

Oh, Laird told me.

It means when you're overwhelmed

and you got too much going on.

BARB : Oh, my gosh. Can't figure things out.

Then, I'm drowning in bukkake at this point.

Okay, I'm gonna be real with you guys.

It means jizz on your face.

I'm sorry?

Bukkake means covered in jizz.

Tons of jizz, ejaculate.

Usually after a gangbang.

Not as bad as it sounds.

TYSON : Yeah, post-gangbang.

Or during. Depends if someone finishes early.

NED : What the heck?

I was trying to protect you, dude.

Protect me? LAIRD : Fucking Justine.

You mean embarrass me?

It was a really sensitive conversation.

I didn't want to start talking

about guys jerking off on each other.

NED : Why'd you tell me it was overwhelming?

Justine brought it up!

I hope this is an opportune time to show a video.

LAIRD : It's not.

NED : Oh, God! TYSON : Yeah.

Oh, and this is a teaching moment.

Here's another. NED : Oh, my God.

STEPHANIE : No. Scotty. NED : Don't look at that.

It's all good. You don't have to see this.

Is that you?

No.

LAIRD : Oh, my God.

(RAGE THE NIGHT AWAY PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

We alive right now, now

Let's get hot right now

We don't give a damn about money

We alive right now

All we do is party, party

And get hot right now

(SCREAMING)

Are you okay?

BOTH : Yeah!

Come on, Daddy. You're okay!

Okay, I just need to take a breather. One...

Do it again...

Lost my mind, I'm a lose it again

I love this kid.

Oh, my God!

Rage, rage the night away

Forget about the money I spent today

Rage, rage the night away

DDT your ass. I love you, dawg.

Forget about the money I spent today

(CHEERING)

(SHOUTING)

(SCREAMING)

Hi, Pops.

I just need some fresh air. Can I come?

We've always been straight with each other, haven't we?

Yeah, of course.

Okay, I need to ask you a question.

And I mean this honestly.

Okay. What?

You're scaring me.

No. It's just...

What?

Why Laird?

I mean, come on. Oh, my God.

Why? (GROANS) Dad.

You are so smart and you're beautiful.

You could be dating anyone. Why?

I don't get it. You want the truth?

Yes.

He kind of reminds me of you.

What?

Me? Yes.

Okay, I need you to explain that one.

How?

You're both the most honest and authentic men that I know.

It comes out in totally different ways.

Oh, well...

Laird has literally no filter.

I don't know that to be true. Is that right?

Okay. Sorry.

Trying to help you out here. (SIGHS)

But I swear his heart is always in the right place.

He's a very good guy.

And I love him.

You love him?

(WHINES) What?

I'm processing.

We had the... Very funny, Dad.

Okay. Okay.

Just try to be cordial.

I will. I'll try.

Okay? I'll try. Try to what?

I'll try to just...

...understand that person better.

(LAUGHS)

Come here.

Hey.

Hi.

(SIGHS) Long night. What are you doing?

Just chilling.

Barb, is that my shirt?

I don't know, is it?

Want me to take it off?

Would you, please? I only brought two dress shirts.

I really don't feel like ironing

while I'm on this trip.

(GROANS) I'm so exhausted.

Oh, yeah.

Take it off, baby.

Yeah! Take it off. Take off those shoes, girl.

Let me see those feet. I wanna see those feet!

Did you hit your head or something?

Yeah. Let me smell that shoe.

You don't wanna smell my shoe.

Yeah, I want feet!

I want those feet out of those socks.

Barb, what happened to you?

I am so stoned right now.

What?

Yeah, I am so baked.

I am like super baked.

Barb. What? Where did you? (LAUGHS)

I was very lonely after you guys left.

And I saw this guy, and he had a cigarette.

I thought it was one of those electronic cigarettes.

They're called E-cigs.

Yeah.

But turns out...

I was vaping.

What?

I was vaping.

What is that?

It's marijuana that comes out of some kind of machine.

Keep your voice down! Ned, it's legal.

Oh, this poor boy had it for sleep apnea.

At his age? So sad. I'm going to bed. That's it.

No, no, no. Wait!

Barbara, I'm tired. Wait a minute. (MUTTERS)

And I've got a headache.

Let's play a little bit, huh? No, no.

I'll give you one of my patented massages.

Barb. Let's take the Little Cheese

out for a spin. No, no, no.

Come on, let me just see him. Don't.

I just want to see him. Don't call him that.

Please. Come on.

Oh, my God!

You used to love getting high and fooling around.

What? Barb! No, Barb.

We're on vacation! But someone could walk...

There's no locks on the door!

What?

Justine! Do you have any Kiss?

JUSTINE : Oh, hell yeah!

Are you kids gonna do it? Yes.

NED : No. We're doing it already.

We're doing it right now. Barb!

I'm doing it with my feet. One foot.

That's Kiss! Honey, you love Kiss!

But not right now.

(I WAS MADE FOR LOVIN' YOU PLAYING)

Ned was made for loving Barb

Yell!

(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)

Yeah. Yeah.

Look what I learned at the party.

What?

There was this real cute girl, and she was going like this.

(EXCLAIMING)

She was doing this cute, new dance.

You're gonna throw your back out.

I'm not gonna throw my...

I'll throw you out.

Let me get on you. Wait, do you smell that?

I'm putting him in. What is that scent?

There. Oh, it's in.

(MOANING)

What is that? (GASPS) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Is that Indian Summer by Priscilla Presley?

I used to wear that perfume in the 90s.

JUSTINE : Yup, pumping some in.

I saw you mentioned it on your college reunion's Facebook page.

I know what you like, Ned.

Oh, I know you do, dawg.

Yeah, get in there. Get it!

Barb! Get you some!

Get it! Good. Oh, that's... Okay.

Yeah. You're almost in there.

No, you're, like, six inches away from it.

Get in there. Yeah, that's the spirit.

Barb. Oh! Yeah!

Barb! That's good.

Oh, that's good. You're getting into it now.

That's it! (SQUEALS) No!

No, no! Take me! Yes! Take me!

I'm not... Take me.

I'm taking you right to bed. That's what I'm doing.

(SQUEALING) Here you go. Yes.

No, I wanna do sex.

We are not gonna do sex. No, honey.

But I want to.

Justine, turn all the music off please...

I wanna do it.

...and leave us alone for the rest of the night.

It's gonna be full penetration!

NED : Would you stop!

(SIGHS, SNIFFLES)

JUSTINE : Psst... Hey, girl.

Fifth button from the right.

You'll thank me later.

(NOZZLE HISSING)

Mama, won't you please let me Mama, won't you please let me

Mmm...

Mama, won't you please let me

Mama do the hump mama do the hump hump

Mama won't you please let me do the hump hump

Mama do the hump mama do the hump hump

Mama won't you please let me do the hump hump

Mama do the hump mama do the hump hump

Mama won't you please let me do the hump hump

Mama do the hump mama do the hump hump

Mama won't you please let me do the hump hump

(CALLING)

There we go, girls.

(CONTINUES CALLING)

(SQUAWKING) (GRUNTS)

Oh!

Okay. You all right?

Yeah. Oh, man.

That's it.

Dude, I thought I was gonna make it.

I know. You almost did, but...

Very good evasive parkour.

Yes, but the last move you ate shit.

I know. (GUSTAV LAUGHS)

GUSTAV : I'll put you on the table later

and we'll do a little adjustment.

Ah!

Christmas tree shopping with the Big Cheese.

Ned, you don't know how excited I am about this.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this,

but I never had a father to do this kind of stuff with.

I'm glad we're getting a chance to hang out.

That's nice.

Uh, it's not getting me hard.

You need an erection to buy a Christmas tree?

Helps.

(CHUCKLES)

I wanna get to know you better.

I mean, you're so perfect.

Seriously, did you always have your shit together?

Oh, heck no.

I got fired selling Datsuns.

How'd you fuck up selling little dogs?

No. Datsuns.

What's that?

It's a car. Doesn't matter.

It doesn't exist anymore.

But you're still here.

(SCOFFS)

You ever get nervous about shifting tides?

Well, you know, every business has its ups and downs.

Yeah, I know it, bro.

Guerrilla Gang, it's been struggling a little bit.

Really?

Yeah, it's just a fucking tough landscape, dude.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Whoa. (EXHALES)

Chills. Did you come up with that?

No, Laird.

Whoa, whoa.

There she blows, Ned.

It's our motherfucking tree.

Why not? It'll look great opposite your moose.

Ned, Ned. Not that one.

That one.

Oh, no. See, Laird...

that doesn't belong to this lot.

See, it's owned by...

Wet games? Wewt Games.

Like, 'woot-woot'.

I know those dudes. They're dicks.

Tried to rip off Ape Assassins.

Plus, it's the first Christmas with the family, dude.

Gotta do it right.

Hey, buddy.

Yeah.

Can I borrow that chainsaw?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

(GRUNTING) Fucking...

Come on.

Will you hurry up?

I'm trying.

Come on, guy. I need my chainsaw back.

Just give me a second.

Should we call an ambulance now,

or wait till he loses a finger?

Can I borrow those?

Have at it.

Okay. Laird just...

Okay.

Hand it over?

You sure, Ned? Yup.

(MOTOR STARTS) Oh!

Total fucking Dad move!

(ROCK AND ROLL ALL NITE PLAYING)

(MOUTHING) Oh, shit!

You keep on dancing and the room gets hot

You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy

I wanna rock and roll all night...

Love Kiss!

Kiss, baby!

These guys are awesome!

Stephanie and I do karaoke to Kiss all the time.

Dude, I know, that's why I put it on!

And we do a pretty good job, too,

if I might say so. Oh, man.

That's cute. Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Listen, Laird, I've been thinking about

our teepee talk yesterday.

Oh, dude, me too.

I've got so many ideas for the proposal.

No. No. Ned, hear me out.

I was thinking about getting the Goodyear blimp,

releasing a thousand doves.

No. Wait.

Laird, just hold on a second, okay?

Slow down. Okay.

Look, I get it that Stephanie really likes you.

But... Uh-huh.

Look. Man to man. Yeah.

Now is not the time.

Dude, Ned, I thought we were getting past all that.

No, it's not me.

It's all about Stephanie.

Stephanie? Yes.

I don't know, dude.

These last few semesters are gonna be so intense.

And then there's graduation,

and she'll be looking for a job.

And who knows where that will take her.

It's just... All right, Ned...

I wasn't supposed to tell you this,

but I just wanna put your mind at ease.

Stephanie is not going back to school next semester.

What?

Dude, I know you're probably shocked, but do not worry.

She's already got this awesome job

lined up at this non-profit.

(STAMMERS)

What organization is that exactly?

She's going to be president of the Laird Mayhew Foundation.

That's me.

Stephanie!

Barb?

Everybody upstairs right now, family meeting!

JUSTINE : Ned, would you like me to schedule a meeting?

Oh, fuck off!

Just trying to help.

You don't always have to be such an asshole.

Yes, I do!

Dad. You are so dead.

Shut up. Of course I was going to tell you.

I told Mom yesterday at the mall.

I was just waiting for the right time to bring it up

and that hasn't happened. Wait a minute.

You knew?

Honestly, honey, we thought you might freak out.

So we decided to wait until

after Christmas to bring it up.

But, okay, he told you about the foundation, right?

Yes. Yes, okay.

This is a big part of why I wanted you

to come out here and meet Laird.

Stephanie, even if he wasn't this abject lunatic,

which he is,

I still wouldn't understand why.

You've only got a few semesters left

before you graduate.

Why would you just throw that away?

I'm not throwing anything away, Dad.

The year I spent in Central America

doing this kind of work,

I know you think that I'm making some rash decision

and I'm not.

We've spent months figuring it out.

All the months

where you didn't even tell us you had a boyfriend.

All those months?

Darling...

I think you should hear her out

because it actually sounds very interesting.

Does it?

STEPHANIE : Are you willing to listen to me?

Give it your best shot.

The plan is to focus on women's health

as a function of environmental change in the Third World.

Right. All right.

And when all that goes belly-up,

you know what you're left with?

What? Being a college dropout.

That's it. You don't get it.

Oh, I don't get it?

No, you just, like, don't get it at all.

Oh. What is that?

It's a tattoo.

With his name? You got a tattoo?

You've marked your body with his name on it.

Look at that, Barb!

Oh, no.

That is so cute.

SCOTTY : Let me see. I wanna see.

Laird's been telling me I should get a neck tat.

I see what Laird is doing here.

I see what he's doing. (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

He is trying to put his imprint on this entire family.

And that is why we've got all these secrets now.

And it's all because of him!

Why do you have such a big problem with Laird?

Great question. You know why? Why?

Because of his influence,

you drop out of college.

Because of his influence, you get a "too."

Dad, I think you mean "tat."

You definitely mean "tat."

I mean "tat?" It's not a "too?"

"Tat." No, it's not a "too." No.

No, I saw it on Geraldo.

They call them "toos," okay? Okay.

This is what's going to be your downward spiral.

First you get a tattoo,

then you start vaporizing.

What? NED : You're vaporizing.

STEPHANIE : What are you talking about?

When you have... It's an e-cigarette.

But instead of tobacco or a fake tobacco,

no, you have marijuana in that e-cigarette.

Dad, I know what it is. Yeah.

How do you know what it is?

Because I've been around. Haven't I?

(STUTTERS)

Mm-hmm.

Then you go from there to heroin.

Mm-hmm, that's right.

After that, after you get hooked on drugs,

you know what happens next?

What?

You'll become a hooker, a prostitute...

a pimp's bitch.

That's what's going to happen to you.

I see it very clearly.

Oh, my... How long do I have?

I'm glad you asked. Not long.

You keep going down this path, at this rate, not long.

You're clearly not in a place to listen to me right now.

So I'm gonna go.

Thank you, Pops, for the guidance.

Thank you. You're welcome.

(BAD MOTHER FU**ER PLAYING)

When the line froze, what did I see?

A bad mother fucker standing next to me

Boom!

(EXCLAIMING)

Be free like a bird so today I'ma fly

Bad, bad motherfucker 'til the day I die

Boss, let me get this straight.

You want me to hack into

Stephanie's boyfriend's computer

and find out if there's any record

of him starting a foundation?

Yes, I do.

Listen, Kevin, you are my IT guy.

I've got nowhere else to turn.

You know I've always thought so highly of Stephanie.

Yeah, she thinks a lot about you.

Really? Oh, yeah.

That's so crazy. Now, listen.

I know that this character has money,

but there's something about this whole foundation

that sounds like a bunch of hooey.

If this guy's running hooey, then I'm gonna find out.

Okay, first thing's first, Ned,

you have to break into his computer

and download a program that I'm gonna send you.

That's hacking?

I took a shower, washing every body part...

Yeah, okay. I'm getting online.

(KEVIN GRUNTS)

Kevin, what are you doing? Huh, baby?

Oh, I'm helping Ned with something IT-related.

Oh, tell Ned I said hi.

Okay.

KEVIN : All right, webcam's on.

(WHISPERS) Okay, I'm in the office.

All right, now get in front of the computer.

All right, good. Press the spacebar.

Oh, darn. It's asking for a password.

No surprise.

A lot of guys have passwords related to their girlfriends or their wives.

Kevin, you're a genius. That's what I have!

It's "Barbsguy1989." The year we were married.

The younger generation tends to go a little bit racier.

I'm gonna get into some sensitive areas here,

so just bear with me.

We need to focus on Stephanie's more defining qualities

that this guy might latch onto.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Would you just get to it?

For example, like, would you say...

Stephanie has perky breasts?

What? Okay.

I would say yes, because she does.

Please try "Stephanie's boobs" one word, no caps.

I'm her dad!

I understand that you're her dad,

but you gotta think like him.

Okay?

No.

We're gonna have to kick it up a notch.

You said that this guy was edgy?

Please try "Stephanie's tight ass."

Give that a whirl.

Are you messing with me, Dingle?

I wish I was messing with you.

I'm trying to help you, Ned.

Make the two "S's" dollar signs in "ass."

God!

I am going straight to hell just for typing this.

Tight ass.

No. Hey, guys?

Do you wanna raise the volume on the movie?

GIRL : Okay.

Okay. I'm just gonna list some off, you type them in.

All right, try "Stephanie's sweet slit."

I am not writing that!

Okay, "Stephanie's pink canoe."

No!

Listen, this isn't fun for me.

Oh, my God. What is it?

It's the password!

The one piece of paper in the entire house.

What does it say? I'm gonna log it in.

"Stephanie's dude."

Aw, that's actually sweet.

"2016."

Boom! We're in.

Oh, gosh!

What? What is it?

It's a nude photograph of Stephanie.

May I see it, please? No.

May I please see it?

I said no! Okay.

Go to your EarthLink account in the web browser.

EarthLink, EarthLink, okay. Press.

I give it my password.

Okay.

Okay. I just emailed you a file.

Download that and open it on his desktop.

Ned, we're gonna fucking nail this guy! We're good!

We're hacking, baby!

We're gonna nail him.

We're gonna nail him the way he's been nailing Stephanie.

STEPHANIE : Just come with me right now.

LAIRD : What?

Why are you taking me to my office?

Everyone's downstairs.

Oh, shit! Someone's coming! Okay. Escape!

Oh, God!

LAIRD : Baby, what are we doing?

Christmas Eve is about to start.

What is the matter with you? What's happening?

I specifically told you... Don't say anything.

that I wanted to be the one to tell my dad about Stanford.

I know. We were just... Then why did you do it?

We were bonding so hard, it just sort of slipped out.

STEPHANIE : You clearly have no idea what this means to him.

He was so proud of me when I got into Stanford.

He worked so hard to make it happen.

Me dropping out is like a huge slap in his face.

Okay.

I just never had anyone like him in my life before.

Oh, my God!

I thought we could just talk it out.

You could see how that's not your place to do that, right?

LAIRD : Okay. Maybe not.

STEPHANIE : Definitely not.

Okay, you're right. He was super pissed.

Sometimes I feel like you're not capable

of being in a relationship.

It's time that you get a handle

(MOUTHING INDISTINCTLY) on these father issues.

LAIRD : Wow.

That's the truth.

When you call me on my shit...

My God! It makes me feel so close to you.

Your honesty has such an effect on me.

You're making me so fucking horny right now.

What? STEPHANIE : Yeah.

LAIRD : That face is boner-bait.

STEPHANIE : Can you not see that I'm mad at you?

LAIRD : Yeah, I see it. That's what's...

STEPHANIE : Oh, my God. You're driving me crazy!

You're not listening to me.

LAIRD : I'm listening.

I'm sorry.

Do you...

You need therapy. (MOANING)

Not working. No?

Mm-mm. Not today, buddy.

Okay. How about this?

Is this working?

A little bit.

Okay, how about this?

(MOANING)

Okay. That's working a little bit more.

STEPHANIE : Laird, I love you.

But I'm still mad at you.

I'm sorry.

(BOTH MOANING)

I'm so sorry. (MOUTHING) No, no!

Okay?

Yes!

No!

LAIRD : You... (WHIRRING)

I'm gonna make it up to you. What is happening?

You just lie back, and I'll give you an early Christmas present.

STEPHANIE : You are such a freak. (LAUGHS)

I know.

LAIRD : Here comes Santa.

STEPHANIE : Oh, really?

Ho, ho, ho. Oh, my God.

Merry Christmas.

Somebody's been naughty this year.

KEVIN : Boss?

Ned. Are you there? Hello?

Hello? Oh.

Yes. Kevin, I'm here. What's happening?

I'm in.

Do you have access to the Internet?

Yes, I do. Hold on.

Wait a second.

Log into your EarthLink account.

Okay. Got it.

I'm gonna send these to you right now. (LAUGHS)

Good. You're done, Mayhew.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

What the fuck?

What happened? Oh, my God.

Wait, what? What's going on?

I don't know. He has my face.

What do you mean he has your face?

I'm locked out.

I can't use my computer anymore.

What? Stop that!

What's happening? He's onto us, Ned.

What are you doing?

We have to abort. Oh, God. Oh, no.

Move back, motherfuckers Mayhew's here

Oh, fuck!

He's a mythical creature, Ned.

He's what?

What the fuck? Oh, God.

He's pulling out his penis!

Oh, my God.

He's balls deep in my digital butt.

MARNIE : Are you watching porn?

Turn that off!

KEVIN : Ned, he's doing it!

Marnie, it's not good!

Stay the fuck out! Turn that off!

Kevin!

Kevin!

(GASPS)

KEVIN : He has control of the house!

Come here!

Kevin, what is happening? We gotta get out of here!

Go, go, go!

What? MARNIE : Kevin!

Kevin!

Oh, my...

(CHOIR SINGING) Silent night

Holy night

All is calm

All is bright

Hi. Hey.

You know what? Let's not fight.

Okay.

I'm sorry, truly, that you found out about Stanford that way.

Thank you.

It was not okay of Laird, and he knows that now.

But I'm confident this is a really good idea.

Honey, before you continue, I need to tell you something.

Laird has been lying to you.

I tried.

No, no, no. Hey! It's unbelievable!

He is in serious financial trouble.

In what way? It's Christmas.

Ned, you're making a mistake.

He doesn't have enough money to finance his business,

let alone a foundation.

STEPHANIE : What exactly makes you think that?

Wait till you see this.

What's this? Here.

Look at this, his own bank records.

All in red.

Is this for real?

Yeah, it's true.

Guerrilla Gang hasn't crushed one in a couple of years.

So you lied to me?

I'm dropping out of school

to start a foundation that you're supposed to be financing.

Yeah. Yeah.

Baby, the foundation is all good.

What are you talking about?

Ned, there has been a very big misunderstanding.

These are only Laird's business holdings.

On the personal side...

I have put together a moderate,

conservative private equity sleeve

that has been performing delightfully.

You could say that again. Mm-hmm.

So you followed the Buffett rule?

(GUSTAV LAUGHS) Always, dude.

70/30, stocks to bonds.

Buffet.

Nice.

Your little hacker, Dingle...

Hacker?

...was worming down the wrong hole.

Does he mean Kevin Dingle? LAIRD : Probably.

No, must be another Dingle.

Only dingle I know of is the berries on the butt.

Look, how much money do you have?

Babe, you don't have to answer this.

Yes, he does.

LAIRD : Fine! Full disclosure.

It's bad.

I'm down to my last 97 million.

GUSTAV : (CLEARS THROAT) Laird.

197 million.

Boom.

He's just barely scraping by.

All you had to do was ask me.

Gentlemen, I need Deck the Halls, allegro, now.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly

LAIRD : Ned, it's the holidays

and I think we should start over.

So this is for you.

What is it?

It's a little stocking stuffer.

I think you'll like it.

A phone? Press the button.

This is from my bank in Grand Rapids.

Merry Christmas.

STEPHANIE : Someone fill me in here.

LAIRD : Well, Steph...

I bought your father's company.

Sort of.

Ned, I purchased all your debt as a Christmas present.

What the fuck?

You son of a bitch. What?

Dude, I'm trying to be nice, so you can avoid bankruptcy.

Are you guys talking Chapter 11?

I don't even wanna hear that term.

Okay, gentlemen, I need Jingle Bells, and step on it!

I can't believe that you didn't tell us about this.

What? No, it's just...

The business has been running a little rough lately.

I'm already working on a new deal right now.

So you had no idea? No.

How the hell did you know about this?

It was Justine. Oh.

JUSTINE : Yeah, it was me.

She played me back a little bit of a conversation you had the other day...

with a guy named Lou.

Of course, I had to help.

JUSTINE : Ned, I'm sorry if I overstepped.

Yep.

But I was really, really worried about you.

LAIRD : She was. No clowning.

And just so you don't stress,

you're still gonna be the Big Cheese, dude.

I plan on being a very hands-off owner.

So what do you say, partner?

(GROANS) (EXCLAIMING)

Ned, what are you... LAIRD : What the fuck?

Why would you do that, Dad?

Dad!

Fuck you, paper man!

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, scheisse.

Ned, I'm sorry, bro.

Are you okay? Oh, man. (COUGHING)

My training, it just takes over.

Everybody is feeling a lot of tension.

Calm down. Dad!

Or we can hit people square in the face with an iPad.

Disengage. Disengage and run!

(BARB EXCLAIMING)

Dude, that was kind of cool. You gotta be honest.

Ned, I love you. I was just trying to help.

(YELLING) (SCREAMING IN PAIN)

Ooh!

Laird, disengage him!

Ned, let go of his balls!

Laird! Evasive parkour!

Laird, get away!

Evasive parkour! Do the wall pop!

Wall pop!

Goose! Did you see that?

That's right! Because you finally engaged your core!

Get down here!

GUSTAV : You see the difference of the feeling? How it feels differently?

I know!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Don't breathe in. I'll save you, brother!

GUSTAV : Scotty, no! Scotty!

BARB : No, honey!

I'm here to save you, Laird!

Scotty, watch out!

(SCREAMING)

Laird! You okay?

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Fantastic! You're okay.

You're okay. Wait. Where's Scotty?

BARB : Scotty! Oh, my God.

Scotty! He's under the moose!

(STEPHANIE AND BARB SCREAM) He's under the moose!

Scotty!

(GRUNTING)

Oh, shit.

These fucking moose balls are in my mouth.

Oh, shit, he's teabagging you, bro!

I got you.

(YELLING)

Come here. Come here.

Oh, my God. It's okay.

It's okay.

Honey, I'm so sorry it turned out this way.

Me, too.

I'll call you when I get home.

Okay. Good luck with Scotty.

Thank you. I'll need it. Yeah.

Steph, listen. I never...

I'm done listening. Have a safe flight.

See you, sis. Bye, Scotty.

Can't believe I have to go back to toilet paper.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Don Millis. Merry Christmas, sir.

You too, Ned. Look, I hate to call on Christmas.

Oh, don't worry about that.

It was great catching up yesterday

and I wanted to ring you as soon as we made a decision.

Okay.

I talked with the group here about your proposal

and we just can't go for it.

I'm sorry, pal.

We really appreciate you offering us such a sweetheart deal.

But fact is we 're just not doing a whole lot of printing these days.

You know how it is. Yes.

It's a whole new world, right?

Yes.

Sure is.

I sure wish we could've done business, Cheese.

All right, listen, um,

if you're sure I can't change your mind there, Don.

Yeah, unfortunately not.

Okay. All right.

You have a happy holidays. You, too, Ned!

Best to Barb and the kids.

JUSTINE : Excuse me, Ned?

I'm sorry to bother you, but your flight leaves in an hour.

Must seem strange to you, my friend

JUSTINE : I'll miss you.

Some things are always heaven sent

The more you want, the harder it gets

The more you let go, the more you get

It's a crazy...

...beautiful life

Some things make sense and you don't know what

It's a crazy beautiful life

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Welcome home, Flemings!

Lou, what...

You guys must be freezing.

Come on, get in here. Let me get that. Come on, Cheese.

Lou, what's going on? Barbara, hey.

Hi.

Barb, you look great. JERRY : There they are!

ALL : Merry Christmas!

Wow!

Um, Lou, I texted you that I needed to talk to you.

I mean, what's...

Come on, you hear this guy?

Hank Rouse from First National

shot me a congratulatory voicemail this morning

about the Mayhew deal.

You did it, Big Cheese!

You pulled off the Christmas miracle.

(CHEERING)

Cheese, Cheese, Cheese! Cheese, Cheese, Cheese!

Barb!

Scotty.

Ned, as a little token of our appreciation,

we all chipped in and bought you something

that we're pretty sure you don't own.

(ALL LAUGH)

You shouldn't have.

Open it. Yeah.

Yeah, right there.

(LOU LAUGHS)

It's an iPad. (CHEERING)

Hit the home button right there.

Yeah.

JERRY : We had a little fun with that down in Graphics.

I got the images off Scotty's Facebook page.

(JERRY LAUGHING)

He looks like a stand-up guy.

Like a younger version of you, Ned.

MAN : Make a speech!

JERRY : Speech! Oh, yes, speech!

Speech, speech, speech.

(CHOPPER APPROACHING)

The heck is that?

STEPHANIE : Laird, a jet and a helicopter? Where are we?

LAIRD : Hang on, babe. Almost there.

One second. Mayhew!

Guys, stay here for a minute.

Honey, go inside and get a jacket.

That's Mayhew. Is that the guy?

Laird!

Where are we?

That looks weird.

It's kind of Fifty Shades of Grey-ish.

Cold? Yeah.

And here we go.

Surprise!

(LAIRD CHUCKLES) Hi, honey.

Ta-da.

You brought me home? Yeah.

Without telling me?

I realize I violated the sanctity of mystery date

but I just thought the family should all be together today.

Okay, that wasn't your place to do that, hon.

Steph, I know,

but it is Christmas.

And we're glad to see you.

This isn't what she wanted.

No, it's not.

What I wanted was for us to spend

Christmas in California together

like I planned, before everything went to shit

because you made it all about yourself.

Mm-hmm.

You both did.

I did? Yes!

You idiots think you can pass me back and forth

like I'm your property or something?

I'm done.

This is the worst Christmas ever.

Steph. Steph. Honey.

I think she's pissed.

Yeah, she's pissed.

Shit!

I just thought that you guys should be together today.

All right. Well, I'll leave you to it.

Happy holidays, Ned.

You too, Laird.

Uh, Laird.

You're doing a "I'm gonna walk away slowly

"'cause I really don't wanna leave" walk.

Maybe.

Come here.

Come here.

So what happened? You didn't propose?

How could I?

I never got your permission

and we pinky-swore I wouldn't ask without it.

You are remarkable.

You don't have a gear to be dishonest, do you?

Guess not, dude.

(SIGHS)

Laird, you never needed my permission

to ask Stephanie to marry you.

But if it still means anything to you,

you have my blessing.

For reals?

No clowning.

Whoa.

But, Laird, Stephanie's right.

It's up to her. It's always been up to her.

Not us.

It just took me a while to realize that.

It's so true.

Dude, we were such jerks.

Yeah.

I bit your dick.

Shaft and balls. Oh.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too, dude.

Look, Laird, if you wanna ask Stephanie to marry you

when the time is right, just do it.

Okay. Is it cool if I do it right now?

Because, uh, just in case it worked out

I had Goose put a shit ton of doves in the helicopter

and I have a couple other surprises.

Laird, this is totally your call.

But can I give you some advice?

Dude, please.

I'm so fucking nervous right now.

All right, look...

Stephanie doesn't care about all the bells and whistles.

You know her.

She cares about you.

She loves you.

So you get down on one knee

and you speak to her from your heart.

That's what you're best at.

Isn't that right, Justine? (CHUCKLES)

JUSTINE : Totally agree.

Holy shit.

My first time in Michigan. It's cold as balls here.

Yeah.

Dude, that's fucking great!

Do it Ned Fleming style.

Old school!

Fuck yes.

Okay. Well, look...

I'll go in there and see if I can get her to come out.

Okay.

Good luck. Thanks.

Hey, promise me one thing.

You will treat her well.

Dude, I'm gonna treat her like a motherfucking queen.

I'll take that.

Okay.

Gustav, change of plans.

We're go on the proposal. No go on all that other shit.

I have only one bar.

You're saying we are a go, yes?

No. No go.

Go on the proposal, no go on the shit.

Laird, are you saying it's a no go

or are you saying, "No. Go."?

God damn it, Goose.

You're making me fucking nervous. Just shut up.

Oh, I'm sorry. Good luck.

Oh, and by the way, please, Laird, breathe.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Okay.

And no cursing, okay?

Fuck, you're right. Good call.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

I know that out in California I disappointed you

and that kills me.

And I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I threw you in the deep end out there.

I should've never asked you to come.

Honestly. No.

No, you didn't do anything wrong.

What was I thinking?

It was me.

It's just that, when we got out to Laird's...

I just didn't feel like I knew you anymore

and I got scared.

I just went crazy.

This is me.

I'm doing good.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, my God.

Okay, look. I forgot...

STEPHANIE : Oh, God. He's still out there.

NED : I know.

STEPHANIE : In a tank top and a scarf.

And he knew we were coming to Michigan.

NED : Yeah.

Why doesn't he just come inside?

He has to talk to you about something...

He kind of wants to make things right with you.

Oh, does he? Yeah.

I think it'd be cool if you gave him a chance.

You want me to give Laird a chance?

I thought that if you saw fit to give him a chance...

I thought that it'd be cool.

(LAUGHS)

That's all. Well?

Hi. Hey.

What's going on? Oh, my God, it's cold out here.

I know you're pissed, but just hear me out.

Can we talk inside? No.

Oh, my... Look.

Oh, my God. It's so romantic.

I told him to keep it simple.

BARB : Oh, our little girl.

He's gonna get down to his knee and keep it real simple.

How do you know all this?

I gave him a few pointers.

Oh.

This has been the happiest year of my life.

And fly! Go, go, go! Go!

Oh, no. What?

(DOVES COOING)

Ah.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Goose. God damn it. I said no go! No go!

NED : Oh, my...

BARB : Oh, gosh. Wow.

Why did he do that? Smart boy.

Absolute fucking shit fest.

Babe, I'm so sorry. Uh...

Stephanie Fleming...

will you... Are you proposing?

Yeah.

Mmm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)

Did my dad know about this?

Yeah, I asked for his blessing

that first morning back in Cali.

Oh, my God. (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God!

No wonder he acted so crazy. Honey.

Yeah, that's why he was a little out of whack.

Yeah, we could have had a really nice holiday.

I know. But we're all good now. Okay?

This is a lot.

Oh, my God. Stephanie Fleming...

That's a ring. (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Goose! No!

(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

And, go! Go, guys! Go, go, go!

Stephanie!

Oh, my God.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Laird, what is Kiss doing here?

Um, well...

Is that... Whoa!

He got look-a-likes!

BARB : Those aren't look-a-likes, Ned.

That's Gene and Paul.

It's Gene and Paul! Gene and Paul!

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Kiss is in the front yard!

(SINGING) Tonight

I wanna give it all to you

In the darkness

Originally, I had this more elaborate proposal plan

but your dad gave me this awesome advice

and told me not to do it.

But they're here,

and I know how much you love their music, so...

What? Hi.

I was made for lovin' you, baby

You were made for lovin' me

And I can't get...

Is he still proposing? What's...

NED : They've stopped playing now.

His name's Ned. BARB : Oh, my God, are they...

What?

Are they coming in the... Oh, my God.

They're coming up the sidewalk!

They're heading in!

They're coming in our house! Oh, my God!

Everybody act natural! Act naturally!

I have to redecorate the house!

Hey.

Hi.

NED : Hi.

(STAMMERS)

Uh, hi.

I'm Ned. PAUL : Hey, Ned.

Hi! Hi!

This is my wife, Barb.

This is our friends, Lou and Patty.

It's Lou.

NED : So excited you're here.

I gotta tell you. Uh, we are huge fans.

We've been members of the Kiss Army for, like, 30 years now.

Yeah. Our first date was the Crazy Nights Tour.

Yeah! And, boy, was that crazy.

Crazy. (ALL CHUCKLING)

Did you get laid?

Um...

I gave him a handjob.

(SNICKERS) NED : Scotty.

I'm having an awesome time,

but are you having a buffet here?

Oh, my God. What was I thinking?

Are you hungry? Starving.

Oh, God, of course! Where's our manners?

We're terrible hosts.

LOU : Let's get those guitars, guys.

Come on, let me get that axe.

See my body?

Wow! Kiss is in our house!

Yeah. I'm kind of juiced up a little bit.

Oh! I almost forgot about them.

Well... The happy couple.

Congratulations.

She said no.

I'm sorry, what?

She said no.

Well...

Honey.

I'm so flattered

that you wanna marry me

but I'm not ready for that.

And I'm gonna finish school.

For me.

Because that's what I wanna do.

Got it?

LAIRD : That's really smart.

It's just, I had this big plan

and it didn't work out.

(SIGHS) Yeah. Well, that's life, pal.

That is so well put, Ned.

It's really, really smart.

Dude, did you come up with that?

The words, "That's life?"

Ned, you're so full of practical wisdom...

I was just really looking forward

to you being my father-in-law.

Aw.

I'm not breaking up with you.

You're not?

No, honey.

No, no, no. I'm still your girlfriend.

We're still together.

LAIRD : Oh.

Oh, thank God!

Come here.

Merry Christmas.

Ned. Hey.

Dude, your employees are so cool.

Yeah, they are.

Maybe it was wrong of me to interfere like that,

but why don't you let me save your company?

(SIGHS) No, Laird, I can't.

That old model doesn't work anymore.

I guess... I don't know.

I guess I just didn't want to believe it.

But since you mentioned it...

I do have a business idea I wanna run by you.

Dude, elevator pitch me!

Okay.

No, hold on.

This wasn't my idea at all. One second.

Scotty, come here. SCOTTY : Yo, what's up?

Come here. Yeah?

I want you to tell Laird about the business idea

you mentioned on the plane.

Go ahead. Wait, really?

Yeah.

Told you to get that seat at the table, bro.

You did. He told me, Dad. He was, like...

"You're gonna get that seat."

I can't believe I finally got the seat.

Dragons and titties, baby.

Dragons and titties! (ROARS)

Breathe that fire. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Get up in there.

Get up in those titties!

Gonna get those dragons. (HISSING)

Dad...

Scotty! (LAUGHS)

Stop motorboating your dad, and elevator pitch me.

Sorry. Uh...

Laird, I can't stop thinking about your toilets, dude.

My toilets? Yeah.

The fresh feeling, the scented talc.

I was thinking if you can get the controls in English

and maybe lower the price point a little bit,

we could have a potentially untapped

market here in America.

Oh, shit. Right?

And look, we can contact a Japanese manufacturer

about pricing... Ooh.

No, Scotty. Pardon my French, but fuck that noise.

Whoa.

Listen. We have a factory right here in Grand Rapids

with 37 of the best employees you're ever gonna want.

Let's build our own.

Hells yes, Grateful Ned! Yeah!

(MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND) Boom!

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Okay, sorry. Yeah.

ALL : (SINGING) The first noel the angels did say

Was to certain poor shepherds In fields as they lay

In fields where they lay keeping their sheep

On a cold winter's night that was so deep

Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel

It turned out to be a pretty cool holiday after all, huh?

It did, son.

(MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND)

Dude.

What?

Told you you'd be calling me "son" by Christmas.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

That's just a figure of speech.

Sure, Dad.

Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello there, you gang! It is I, Gustav.

It's so great to see you!

Hey, what do you think of the new facial hair, huh?

I'm based in Michigan now, so you know...

I'm trying to do this whole kind of

Paul Bunyan, Midwestern thing.

I wanted to fill it all out.

So Scotty, Laird, and Ned took the printing company...

turned it into a toilet factory...

and it's going great!

The toilet is water efficient und eco-friendly.

It's state of the art.

I'm telling you, they have invented the Tesla of toilets!

It's amazing.

Barbara has made sure that each toilet

has a state of the art vaginal cleanse.

You know exactly what I'm saying.

Every single model comes with Justine.

Talk about a smart toilet.

She knows if you need a little sploosh

or if you actually need

the fountains of the Bellagio up there.

Scotty has finally got his seat at the table.

It's beautiful.

He went a little too far with the dragons,

and the titties, and the motorboating.

Oy vey.

Oh, Miss Stephanie.

She had the idea to link the Fleming-Mayhew company

with the new foundation.

So now, they're sponsoring sewage projects

all over the Third World. I told you.

Smart, smart, smart girl.

So, things are working out really well for the gang here.

The company is a smashing success.

And my dear Laird

has finally gotten what he's always wanted.

To be part of a family.

All right, ciao for now, you friends.

Until we meet again.

Laird, it doesn't count as a sneak attack if I can see...

Fuck you, Goose! Scheisse!

(ROCK AND ROLL ALL NITE PLAYING)

I wanna rock and roll all night

And party every day

I wanna rock and roll all night

And party every day

You keep on saying you'll be mine for a while

You're looking fancy and I like your style

You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy

You show us everything you've got

Baby, baby, it's quite a lot

You drive us wild, we 'll drive you crazy

You keep on shouting, you keep on shouting

I wanna rock and roll all night

And party every day

I wanna rock and roll all night

And party every day

I wanna rock and roll all night

And party every day

I wanna rock and roll all night

And party every day

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