Original subtitles

Andy?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Sure. I'm fine.

Good.

Well, I had a really nice time.

Yeah.

Me too.

Of course, you know I've always had a really nice time with you.

Same here.

But...

Yeah?

You understand?

Uh-huh.

Well, the food here was excellent.

I'm gonna recommend it to my sisters.

How many stars did it get?

Three and a half.

Oh.

Do you feel better now?

- Me too. - Sorry.

It's really good--

- It's good we had this talk. - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Before things went too far, you know?

- Got too serious. - Yeah.

- Uh... I mean, are you sure? - Oh, yes.

Is it someone else?

No. It's just you.

Hey, I wanna show you something I got you.

- For me? - Here, open it up.

Oh, but, Andy, this is...

Oh.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Thanks.

It's a Gansevoort reproduction.

Boston, late 1880s.

I sent away for it right after we had our...

first date.

Oh, I just love it. It's...

- It's a collector's item. - Yeah.

Yeah. It is pretty special.

It almost makes me wanna learn how to smoke.

Hey, look at the back.

Ooh.

That's a 40-karat, gold-plated, inlaid base.

Oh, Andy, I just love it. It's...

This really means something to me.

I'll always treasure it as a token.

No, you won't.

'Cause this is for the girl who loves me.

The girl who cares about me, for who I am.

Not what I look like.

I just wanted you to know what you'd be missing.

You think I don't appreciate art.

You think I don't understand fashion.

You think I'm not hip.

You think I'm pathetic. A nerd.

A lardass fatso.

You think I'm shit.

Well, you're wrong.

'Cause I'm champagne.

And you're shit.

And till the day you die, you, not me,

will always be shit!

I don't know.

But whenever I see her, I just wanna...

You know, I wanna...

undress her.

I wanna tie her up.

I wanna pump her.

Uh... Pump, pump, pump.

Till she screams bloody murder.

And then I wanna flip her ass over and then pump her even more.

And so hard that my dick shoots right through her.

And that my come squirts out of her mouth.

And not that I could ever...

you know, actually do that.

See?

If she only knew how I felt.

You know, deep down, I really cared for her.

Respected her.

She would love me back.

Maybe.

Oh, she doesn't even know I exist.

I mean, she knows I exist.

I mean, we are neighbors, you know, we...

you know, smile politely at each other, but...

I don't know I could ever really begin to talk to her.

I mean, what could I talk about? I have nothing to talk about, I'm boring.

I know.

I've been told before, so don't tell me it's not true.

'Cause it's a fact. I bore people. People look at me and they get bored.

People listen to me and they zone out, bored.

"Who is that boring person?" they think.

"I have never before met anyone so boring."

And for her to see how boring I am...

A gallon of skim milk.

A dozen eggs.

One of those disposable cameras for the weekend.

And stop at the 7-Eleven on the way home.

I gotta get the dry cleaning for Trish.

I gotta check Billy's homework,

and call Mrs. Mitchell about her appointment on Tuesday.

I gotta reschedule the dentist.

But you know what I'm gonna do?

I gotta get the dog cleaned.

The next time I see her...

as soon as I see her...

I'm just gonna tell her...

I'm gonna tell her that I, uh...

find her...

attractive.

Good evening, Miss Jordan.

How--? How's it going?

Okay.

- See you. - Yeah.

I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you'll be coming out of your ears.

Fuck you.

Yeah?

No, fuck you.

I'll fuck you. I'll fuck you really hard.

So hard, you won't even...

Hello?

Hello, is this Claire?

Who is this?

Die, Aunt Joy! Die!

- Timmy! - It's okay, Trish.

He's going through a phase. Leave him alone.

- I know, but-- - It's okay. I'm strong enough.

I blame it on cartoons, they are so full of violence.

What's with the people that are making cartoons?

That's what you have to-- Joy?

Joy, what's the matter?

I don't know what it is, I just feel there's so much...

hostility directed at me.

Oh, honey, did another guy dump you?

No, I...

Oh, I just feel terrible.

Aw, sweetie, Timmy didn't mean it.

No. I know, I know. I'm sorry, I just...

I'm overworked, that's all.

It's okay.

It's okay, 'cause now maybe you'll listen to me.

What?

- You have got to eat red meat. - Oh, Trish.

I knew that's how you'd react, but I'm telling you, it's true.

I've been watching you.

- Well, my doctor says just once a month. - I know.

Really, it's the best thing for the skin.

- It'll clear it right up. - What's wrong with my skin?

Well, it's fine now, but in another few years...

Please, Joy.

- I'm just speaking for your own good. - Oh, I know. I know. Thanks.

- I'm so happy. - You are?

Yeah. I mean being around you and the kids and, you know, Kooki.

- You really are? - Yeah.

Oh, honey, I'm so happy you're happy.

'Cause all this time I've been thinking you were so miserable.

Oh, Trish. That's too funny, when I couldn't be happier.

- It's just with your music career-- - Oh, my career's fine.

Oh, I know. I know it will be. I just know it.

And then you'll move out of Mom and Dad's.

- Real soon. - And you'll meet Mr. Right.

Oh, I will.

- Already, I feel I'm off to a fresh start. - That's right.

Just because you've hit 30 doesn't mean you can't be fresh anymore.

You know, Joy, I've never told you this before,

but now that we're older, and...

I feel so bonded to you.

Well, the truth is...

Oh, I know this is gonna sound horrible.

I just feel I have to be fully open with you,

and just get beyond all the old barriers and the sibling nonsense.

You know, I--

Well, the truth is, I always thought that you'd never amount to much.

That you would end up alone, without a career or anything.

I mean, really, it's what we all thought.

Mom, Dad, Helen, everyone.

Oh, I always prayed we'd all be wrong,

but somehow you always just seemed so doomed to failure.

But now I see that's not true.

There's a glimmer of hope for you after all.

But I'm sorry, I know I'm repeating myself.

I'm just really happy for you.

- Oh, Trish. - Oh...

And how is this different?

I don't kill myself at the end.

Do you see this as something positive?

Gee, well, I don't know.

How do you feel at the end?

Much better.

I wake up happy.

Feeling good.

But then I get very depressed because I'm living in reality.

And what about your family?

Trish is good to me.

But... still no sex?

No.

But she's not too interested either,

so, really, there's no problem there...

when you think about it...

on a certain level.

Okay, get in the car.

- Can we get ice cream? - No, sweetie.

- Hey. - Hi, hon, how was work?

Oh, fine.

Hey, Billy. What's going on?

Nothing.

He's "depressed."

- Well, is anything the matter? - I don't wanna talk about it.

Ignore him. He's just doing it for attention.

He thinks you'll be impressed, as if.

So anyway, Joy came by today.

- Ah. How is she doing? - Oh, God.

I don't know. And, frankly, I'm concerned.

I mean, she's not like me. You know, she doesn't have it all.

She pretends to be happy, but I can see right through her.

She's miserable.

Why do you think that is?

Well, you know, to be frank, I think she's lazy.

She's not a go-getter like me or Helen.

And she's so picky.

I gave Damien Ross her phone number, for what it's worth.

And Joy sounded interested, naturally, but I don't know.

I'm afraid to have to say it, but, truly, it's what I believe.

She'll always be alone.

We're all alone.

Oh, Bill.

Sometimes I wonder how any of your patients can talk to you.

Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever stop.

I should tape some for you.

Oh, Bill, would you? Would you really, so I could listen too?

No.

Oh, come on. You're such a tease.

You know I wouldn't tell anyone.

Right, 'cause you're so secretive.

Mm. Well, maybe not as secretive as you.

What secret would you like me to tell you?

Like how come no matter how much you treat me like shit,

I can't help loving you even more?

Mm.

- Dad? - Yes, Billy?

What does "come" mean?

Come?

You know.

Well, you know how sometimes your penis gets erect?

Well, sometimes, it gets so excited

that a sticky, milky substance shoots out.

Dickwad?

Yes, only "come" can be used as a verb as well.

- Billy... - Yeah?

Have you ever come?

Yeah.

Now, Billy, it's all right if you haven't.

But... I have.

Billy...

But everyone else in class has,

and I wanna come too.

Ah. Now...

it's okay.

It's okay.

Have you tried playing with yourself?

You mean...?

With your penis?

A little.

How did it feel?

Hmm...

I don't know.

I don't know what to do.

Do you want me to... show you?

No, no. I--

I'm not normal.

No, no, Billy.

No.

Don't worry, you're normal.

No.

Hey.

You'll come... one day.

You'll see.

Turning on the dishwasher.

Where's my valium?

What?

Never mind.

Fucking asshole.

You answer it, bastard.

Mona, it's Trish.

Hi, Trish.

Hi, Mom. How are you?

Oh, I'm fine.

- How are you? - Fine.

- Good. - Did you watch Leno last night?

Mom?

He's leaving me.

Your father's leaving me.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Trish, can you keep this secret? Top secret?

- Yes, yes, of course I can, Mom, but-- - He says...

He says he doesn't love me anymore.

Well, I'm sure he doesn't mean it.

Yeah, well, he does fucking mean it.

He wants a divorce.

He said the word "divorce"?

What, you don't believe me? You talk to him, okay?

- Lenny! - Yeah?

It's Trish. She wants to talk to you.

Yeah, Trish?

- Is it true what Mom said? - What? What?

You want a divorce?

Mona, what are you telling the kids?

Call you back.

Did I use the word "divorce"?

You-- You said you didn't want to live with me anymore.

Answer the question. Did I use the word "divorce"?

- You said that you didn't-- - Did I use the word "divorce"?!

No.

Good. Just want to make that clear.

Now sit down next to me. Come on.

Sit down.

Sit down!

Lenny, why?

I don't know.

I just want to be alone.

I can let you be alone more, if that's what you want.

It's not that.

Things change, people change.

I want out.

It's Diane, isn't it?

Diane?

You're in love with Diane Freed.

Oh, get out of here, please.

Well, you're in love with someone, and it's someone younger, probably.

- Wrong. - Lenny, it's okay.

I'm not dumb.

These things happen. I'll get over it.

You know, I just wish you had done this 20 years ago!

Now I'll have to get another fucking face-lift!

I'm in love with no one.

- With no one? - No one.

Okay, then...

schmuck.

You know, people are always putting New Jersey down.

None of my friends can actually believe I live here,

but that's just because they don't get it.

I'm living in a state of irony.

Helen, are you sure you don't want to have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, I can't.

I'm giving another reading, book signing at Barnes & Noble.

And then Jamal's taking me out,

although I promised Flavio.

Ugh. I hate Saturday nights.

Everybody wants me, Joy. You have no idea.

Oh, I know. It's just that I wrote a new song,

and I thought maybe you'd come over, and I'd play it for you, and--

Can you hold on a second? I'm sorry, Joy. Hold on.

Hello? Oh!

Salman, hold-- One second, one second.

Joy, I'm so sorry, I have to take this. It's London.

But I'll talk to you soon though.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Bye.

- Hello? - Hi.

Um...

How are you?

Is this... Damien?

Yeah. How are you doing?

Oh, fine.

Trish told me you might be calling.

Yeah. Well, uh...

Well, I know how weird these things can be,

but I've always had such faith in Trish's judgment,

I just thought, "Why not?"

It's not like I have a huge social life.

I mean, I do have a social life, it's just not huge.

Same here.

Really? That's so nice to hear. Most people seem so confident.

Yeah.

Or, you know, they're just real jerks.

Yeah. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to thaw this steak,

and it's so hard, and I...

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no. Don't stop. Not because of me.

Well, it's just, I feel I'm being so rude.

No, no. Not at all.

Well, thanks.

Uh, are you alone?

Yeah, I'm alone. Nobody's listening in, don't worry.

God, you're just like me.

What are you wearing?

You mean, when we go out?

Where do you wanna go?

I mean, I'm pretty easy to please.

I hate getting all dressed up.

What are you wearing now?

Just a pair of jeans. Why?

Are they tight?

Not too tight. Actually, they fit pretty good.

- But why do you wanna know--? - Not the jeans, underneath.

What are you wearing underneath? Check.

Underneath?

Well, but, Damien, underneath is just...

This isn't Damien, is it?

Are you all wet? Is your pussy all wet?

Who is it?

It's your neighbor, Kristina.

Hey, what's up?

Did you hear what happened to Pedro?

Who's Pedro?

You know, the night doorman.

Oh, yeah. What?

He was found bludgeoned to death in his apartment this morning.

Yeah. And supposedly, um...

his penis was missing.

Um, anyway, Carla in 2B, she's collecting money for the funeral,

you know, if you feel like it.

Apparently, he had no family, no known friends, you know.

If I'd have known...

I did always say hi, I think.

Yeah, me too.

- If it's the guy I'm thinking of. Yeah. - Um...

By the way, uh, I have an extra ticket to the playoffs tonight.

Maybe you wanna come with me?

Nah. Uh, thanks.

I got too much work.

- I just wanted to tell you about Pedro. - Oh, thanks.

- Okay, see you. - Yeah.

Hello?

Hello, this is Detective Berman from the County Police Department.

- I'd like to speak to Miss Joy Jordan. - This is she.

Ma'am, I'm so sorry. I've got another call.

Hello?

Yeah, lieutenant. Hi, how you doing?

Pronounce the guy DOA.

Door was locked from the inside, all the property's here, suicide note.

Uh, looks like a pill-vodka OD, with a bag over his head for a chaser.

Yeah.

Hi, Miss Jordan, I'm back.

I'm sorry to disturb you, Miss Jordan,

but, uh, I'm afraid I've got some really bad news for you.

Uh, it regards an acquaintance of yours by the name of Andrew Kornbluth.

Joy?

Are you okay?

Yeah, sure. I'm fine.

What's the matter?

Andy's dead.

- Andy? - Yeah.

Who's Andy?

Oh, you know, the guy who used to work right over there in that corner?

- You mean where Pam is sitting? - Yeah.

Was he kind of tall and a little hunched?

No.

He was a little shortish, a little square-ish.

Joy, I'm not sure.

Did he work here long?

Oh, a year. Maybe a little longer.

Kay. Kay!

Kay, do you remember a guy named Andy who used to work here

over where Pam is now?

No. Why? What happened?

- He died. - Oh.

- Which one was he? - Hmm. I'm not sure.

Maybe Tom knows. Tom?

I'm sorry, I don't. But, you know,

I do remember a guy, vaguely, who worked over there, I think.

But, you know, I'm not really sure.

- Hmm. - How did he die, anyway?

Yeah, Joy, how did he die?

Sales. May I help you?

Is this Joy Jordan?

Yes.

This is Andy's mother.

I hope you fucking rot in hell!

Joy, was he kind of, um, Latino-looking and a little acne-scarred?

Oh, yeah, you know, like, uh, what's his name?

- You know, the actor-- - Yeah, sure.

That was him.

- That's him, that's him. That actor. Yeah. - What's that actor's name?

- What actor? - Oh, he has, uh-- It has an A in it.

It's, um...

- Something, something, something. - Three names.

Oh, oh, I know.

I can picture his face, but I can't think of what he looks like.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well... - J--

Yeah, that's it.

- I can't think. - Jeff something.

If I go through the alphabet, I can usually picture their name.

- Um... - See, I do not remember.

I don't know why I suggested this place.

Joy recommended it.

Well, at least we're together.

I never get to see you. You're so busy.

You're so busy.

- No, you are. - No, you are.

No, you are.

- Guess I am. - Me too.

In fact, if I have to do one more interview...

I guess it's hard, hmm? All this success.

I'm just so tired of being admired all the time.

I mean, all these men, they're beautiful,

artistic minds, great sex, the whole package, but...

hollow.

You know what I mean?

I feel nobody's honest with me.

Nobody wants me... for me.

They're not family.

Oh, Trish, I wish I had your life.

Husband, kids, carpool...

Well, I may "have it all..."

But sometimes I wonder what my life might have been like

if I'd actually tried to write a novel.

I'm sure it would have been good.

Oh, maybe I will write one.

You should.

Just try.

No. I--

I don't need that kind of success.

Listen to us,

we who have everything, while Joy...

- What does she have? - Oh, you're so right.

And she's just getting older.

Last night she called while I was in bed with Huraki.

I think.

She was in tears.

- She told me she quit her job. - Oh, God, no.

That's her lifeline.

She said she wanted to change her life.

"Do good." Work with the poor and the needy.

- I don't get it. - Don't even try.

She doesn't understand she is good.

She doesn't need to do good.

And what about her music career?

I don't know, but don't hold your breath.

Listen, anyway, this is all top secret.

She doesn't want anyone to know.

Oh.

But she told you?

She felt she could trust me.

'Cause I always thought I was someone that she could confide in.

Oh. Did you speak to Mom?

You mean about the split-up?

Oh, I...

I thought that was all top secret?

Just for Joy.

Sensitive Joy. Everyone else knows.

Oh.

Can I get you ladies anything else?

- Coffee? Dessert? - No, thank you, just the check, please.

Thank you.

Thanks for lunch.

I really enjoyed this.

Benefits! Benefits! We want benefits!

Benefits! Benefits! We want benefits!

Benefits! Benefits! We want benefits!

Benefits! Benefits! We want benefits!

You know, there are people in real need in there.

The fucking management in there!

What about the refugees?

What about our benefits?

Benefits! We want benefits!

I'm sorry.

I think you're all making a terrible mistake.

Fucking scab!

Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab! Scab!

Benefits! We want benefits!

Benefits! Benefits! We want benefits!

Benefits! Benefits! We want benefits!

It's so sad.

I mean, really, it's pathetic.

Such losers.

Really, I feel sorry for them.

- What is it? What happened? - They called me a scab.

Oh, you're not a scab.

You're a strikebreaker.

Good luck.

Hello.

My name is Joy Jordan.

I am your new teacher.

- Now... - You are scab.

Where Marsha?

Marsha? Well...

- Marsha... - We want Marsha!

We want Marsha! We want Marsha!

We want Marsha! We want Marsha!

- We want Marsha! We want Marsha! - Quiet!

Quiet!

Please.

I am not a scab.

I am a strikebreaker.

All right.

Good job!

Steal, steal, steal! All right! I tell you. Yes!

That's it. All right, Johnny!

Don't fuck this up.

- Come on! - Let's go, Johnny!

- Come on! You can do it. - Eye on the ball!

Eye on the ball, let's go!

Don't end the inning. Come on, buddy.

- Come on, let's go. You can do this! - Strike one!

Thanks.

Bill, I don't know.

Maybe I should talk to you.

You're supposed to be a specialist in these things, aren't you?

Well, I don't know. That depends.

Look.

My son's a fag, I'm not blind to these things.

How come you're so sure he's...

gay?

Are you kidding?

Well, it's just, sometimes, appearances can be deceiving.

And besides, even if you're right,

there's not much you can do, is there?

What do you think would happen if I got him a...

professional, you know?

A professional...?

Hooker.

The kind that could teach him things.

First-timers, you know.

Break him in.

But, Joe...

he's 11.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

It's too late.

He is what he is.

Forget I said anything.

Uh, Dad, could Johnny sleep over tonight?

Well, that's up to Joe here.

Daddy, may I please sleep over at Billy's tonight?

Sure, sure. Whatever.

Yay!

Like girls.

Come and get it.

Oh, Bill, you shouldn't have.

Here, take. You only live once.

Billy.

- Here, Johnny. - No, thank you, Dr. Maplewood.

Aren't you having any?

Johnny hates chocolate fudge.

Well...

There...

Is there something you'd like instead?

No, thank you, Dr. Maplewood.

What about to drink?

Leave him alone, honey, he's fine.

No, but there must be something.

Do you have any grape Hi-C?

Do we, Trish?

I'm afraid not.

- I'll go pick some up. - Bill, don't be silly.

He doesn't need anything, it's late.

Do you have any tuna salad?

Would you like a sandwich?

Yes, please.

We're going to bed, hon. Timmy can barely keep his eyes open.

You boys don't stay up too late, huh?

Okay. 'Cause...

Here we are.

Hey, what happened to Billy?

I don't know. I guess he just conked out.

Bedtime for Billy. Here we go.

Here we go.

All right.

Aren't you gonna eat the sandwich?

In a minute.

Take your time.

Is...? Is your game almost over?

This is the bonus round.

I have...

some cereal or a hot dog?

No, thank you.

Dr. Maplewood?

Yeah?

Would it be all right if I ate this tomorrow?

Well, sure, but...

I don't know if it's gonna taste any good tomorrow.

How is it?

Actually, it's really good.

- Oh, honey, I feel so good now. - Me too.

I don't think I've slept this well in so long.

- Me neither. - Mm.

It's weird, I feel as if we...

Bill, did we?

Did you...?

Did I?

Yes.

I don't remember.

That's all right. It doesn't matter.

It matters.

Forget about it.

Okay.

It's funny, I remember I was dreaming.

And you were there...

and Billy, and Timmy, and Chloe...

and Johnny Grasso.

Hmm?

I can't really remember anything more.

Except...

I don't know.

Hmm?

Bill, please don't get mad at me.

I know you hate it when I ask.

Do you still...?

Yes.

- Very, very much. - Oh, Bill.

I do too. I do too.

Sorry I need to keep being reminded.

- It's just that... - I know.

We haven't been...

I know.

- I know. It's my fault. - No, honey.

- It's my fault. - No, I...

I know. I know. I know.

Die! Die! Die!

Timmy, stop that!

Where's Billy?

Watching TV.

How come you two aren't playing together?

I don't know. Billy just said he didn't feel like it.

Hmm.

Dr. Maplewood?

Yes?

Can you drive me home now?

Well, sure, but...

aren't you having a good time?

I'm not feeling very well.

What's the matter?

I don't know.

Oh.

Uh...

Oh.

All right.

Um...

I'll take you home.

Dr. Maplewood?

Yes, Johnny?

I'm sorry I threw up.

Don't worry about it.

'Cause I really had a good time.

Good.

Billy did too.

We all did.

Dr. Maplewood?

Yes, Johnny?

You're so cool.

Dad?

Yes, Billy.

Um, I was kind of wondering...

Um...

Yeah?

Uh, nothing.

Did you have fun with Johnny?

Uh... Yeah.

It was okay. He's a little girlish though.

Ah. Yes.

Dad?

Do you know how many inches your penis is?

I never measured.

'Cause...

Ronald Farber says his penis is 11 inches long.

Do you think that's possible?

What Ronald Farber doesn't know

is that it's not length that matters.

It's width.

Why?

Things get a little more intense.

What do you mean, "intense"?

Have you been practicing?

Yeah, but...

it's no use.

Nothing comes.

You have to be patient.

Your friend Ronald Farber,

I can assure you, is full of crap.

Yeah. I bet you yours is a lot wider.

And longer.

Do you want me to measure?

Nah, that's okay.

Hi. Ann Chambeau.

- Oh, Mona Jordan. - Wonderful. Come this way.

Okay.

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting so long.

Boca Palms Real Estate.

- Can I get you some coffee or tea? - Oh, no, thanks.

Okay.

Now, then, how can I help you?

Oh, um, you said that there might be something available

over in Elysian Fields?

Well, actually, we have several places we can see there.

First, I need to get a bit of information from you.

Are you looking for a one-, two-, or three-bedroom?

- Three. - Wonderful.

Is this then for you and your husband?

No.

Just yourself, then?

Yes.

No children?

Um, my children are grown.

No pets?

No.

So really, then, just you alone, all by yourself?

Yes.

Wonderful.

Mrs. Jordan, is something the matter?

My husband is leaving me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You know...

we have a lot of divorcées in Phase IV.

Would you like to see something there? Perhaps a bit smaller?

Who said I was getting divorced?

What you need is a fresh start.

Yes. That's what I'm looking for.

You know, I'm a divorcèe.

Oh.

And I live in Phase IV.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

- Mrs. Jordan... - No, Mona.

Mona. That's a beautiful name.

Oh, thank you.

- How long were you married? - Forty years.

You know, Mona, I, uh... I think we have a lot in common.

Probably more than you realize.

I know what you're going through, I've been there.

I'd like to share a secret with you.

Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Really.

Don't worry, she's the exception to the rule.

Most everyone here is much more youthful.

Are you sure?

Look, let me show you something.

You see this?

You're the picture of health.

No tumors?

- Nope. - How's the heart?

Like an ox, Lenny. You'll live to be 100.

Hmm.

So I still have another 35 years.

Just stay off the salt.

You bet.

Hi, Lenny.

Oh.

Hello, Diane.

Mind if I join you?

No.

No, thanks.

How's Mona?

She's fine.

She inside on such a beautiful day?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

- I don't know. - Whatever.

- So how are your girls? - Fine, I guess.

The grandchildren coming to visit soon?

I don't know.

Look, Lenny...

I think you ought to know, I heard about you and Mona.

What?

That you're getting divorced.

- I'm really sorry. - We're not getting divorced.

Divorced, separated, whatever. It doesn't matter.

You're alone now.

Anyway...

if you ever need anyone to talk to, you know where to find me.

Everything I write is so shallow, superficial.

Can't anyone see through my work?

Its inherent phoniness. Rape at 11, Rape at 12...

What the hell do I know about rape?

I've never been raped.

I'm just another sordid exploitationist.

Ah, if only I'd been raped as a child. Then I would know authenticity.

But instead...

I'm no good.

No good.

Nothing. Nothing.

Zero. Zero.

Hello?

I know who you are and you are nothing.

You think you are fucking something, but you are fucking nothing.

You are empty. You are a zero. You are a black hole.

And I'm gonna fuck you so bad, you'll be coming out of your ears.

- Data Resources. - Who are you?

- What do you want? - I want you to fuck me.

I, uh...

I don't think I can do that.

I mean...

Yeah, I don't think I can do that.

I gotta go.

- Call me tomorrow. - All right.

Hey, Allen.

Did you see the playoffs last night?

Yeah. Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good.

I was on my knees, praying for that shot.

It worked.

Who is it?

Who is it?

It's, uh, ahem, me, Kristina.

Hey.

- How's it going? - Okay.

Um, uh...

I have some more information about Pedro.

- Pedro? - Yeah, you know, the, uh...

Oh, yeah. What?

- Um, well... - Oh, God.

- Are you okay? - No.

Okay.

Pussy...

Need pussy...

What the fuck are you doing here?

Get out.

Get out!

Get out!

Joy!

Joy!

Joy!

Joy!

I am Vlad, your student.

Hello, Vlad. How are you?

- I am fine. How are you? - Oh, fine. Fine.

- I not believe you. - Really, Vlad. I'm fine.

I'm sorry, it's just, I'm a terrible teacher.

And everyone hates me,

and I really should have never left telephone sales

because I was really doing a lot more good then.

Where you are go now?

I'm just on my way home.

Tell me where do you live. I take you home.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Joy. Come in my cab.

- I will give you ride. - Vlad, no.

I like walking and the train is right nearby.

No. No train. I drive you home.

Vlad, I live in New Jersey.

- Good. I take you New Jersey. - No, maybe you don't understand.

- New Jersey is far. - Joy, you not understand.

Huh? I driver. My taxi.

You come. You understand?

You come.

- Are you sure you know...? - Vlad know.

I love New Jersey.

Don't you miss Russia?

Fuck the cunt of Russia.

Well, I guess it's best you feel that way.

Thank you for everything.

That was really very nice of you.

I'm sorry about before. That was very unlike me.

Do you think you'll need help finding your way back?

Why you not married?

Oh, Vlad.

Our life is so different in America.

Uh, here, a woman can--

I know this is difficult to understand, but...

a woman can fulfill her potential.

Um...

There are opportunities to do something.

Uh, do good, really improve the world.

Do you like men?

Yes.

But it's not so simple.

Are you lesbian?

No.

Is all right if you are lesbian.

I like lesbian.

Vlad, I'm sorry.

But this conversation has become a bit strange for me.

So thank you for the ride, and I...

Well, then, good night, and, um...

I'll see you in...

Would you like to come inside for a cup of tea?

I'll go put the kettle on.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

Take your shoes off. Make yourself comfortable.

- It's my parents' place. - Ah.

I plan on moving out soon though.

- How long you live here? - Since I was born.

I find there are a lot of advantages, though, to not moving.

So, what did you do in Russia?

I was thief.

Oh.

Do you mean, the Mafia?

No.

I am independent. I steal things on my own.

Although I have many offers.

- You are musician? - Oh, no. I just write songs a little.

What kind songs?

Oh, I don't know. They're so terrible.

Ah.

Love songs.

- No. - Play.

Oh, no.

I play.

Okay.

Okay.

Um, I go now.

See you in class tomorrow.

Scab! Scab! Scab!

Good morning.

So how's it going?

Oh, hi, Rhonda.

Your students treating you okay?

Oh, they're just great.

I hate to say this, but I told you so.

How about you? How's your class?

Oh, my students are such a hoot.

They're always telling me how much they love me.

Actually, if you can keep a secret, there's this one...

Igor.

- I've got such a crush on him. - Oh?

Well, not that I'd ever...

I mean, especially the Russians.

What?

- B.O. - Really?

Mine seem okay.

Well, then you're very lucky.

- Rhonda? - Yeah?

If your Igor...

Used deodorant?

You teacher of Vlad?

Yes.

You whore!

Oh, my God. Let her go!

Get out! Out! Go!

Oh, my God. That woman was crazy.

Joy, are you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Thank you.

Joy...

You didn't, did you?

- Mom? - Yeah?

There's blood in my BM.

Can I stay home from school today?

- How you feeling? - Okay.

- You sure? - Yeah.

I feel fine.

Maybe a little sore, but...

- I'm ready to go back to school. - That's good, Johnny.

Johnny, I have to ask you a few questions. Is that okay?

Yeah.

When did you first start feeling sick?

Yesterday.

What happened?

- I threw up at my friend's house. - Johnny...

He spent the night there.

I thought that he just had a little virus.

Did you eat anything unusual, Johnny?

Just a tuna sandwich.

He loves tuna salad.

I see.

Johnny, when did you first notice the blood?

When I went to the bathroom this morning.

Johnny, I have to ask you a question,

and it's very important that you be honest, okay?

Mm-hm.

Johnny, was there, in the last day or two...

someone who hurt you?

No. I...

I don't think so.

But someone did hurt you? No, Johnny?

No. No one hurt me.

What do you mean, no? You've been fucking raped!

I'm sorry.

- More potatoes, Bill? - Mm. No, thanks.

Mm. I got plenty.

Babysitter should be here any minute now.

- When does the PTA start? - Hmm.

We still got about a half an hour.

So how did school go today?

Okay.

Was Johnny there?

- No. - Oh.

I sure hope you kids don't catch whatever he's got.

Very funny, Timmy.

And now you're excused and can go right to bed.

- But, Mom... - Yep.

Excuse me, Bill.

Hello?

Hi, Tawny, is there a problem?

Oh.

Well, thank you for giving me so much notice.

Well...

Oh, uh-huh.

Yeah, sure. I'm sorry too.

Uh-huh. Well, maybe you could have thought of that before.

Mm. Bye-bye.

Bill, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to go by yourself tonight.

- Isn't there someone else you can get? - No, not at this late hour.

Come on. You're gonna come and take a bath.

- But I'm not finished! - Yes, you're finished. Let's go.

Wait. My Tamagotchi.

- I have to feed my Tamagotchi. - I got your Tamagotchi.

Chop-chop, mister. Let's go. Up the stairs. Come on.

Tim-- Timmy, please. Come on.

Don't make me punish you. Let's go. Come on.

Dad?

If you and Mom died in a plane crash, would it be all right if I took over?

Well, probably one of your aunts would want to help out.

So you don't think I'm old enough to take care of myself, Timmy, and Chloe?

Well, no.

Ronald Farber's parents are away in Europe for a few days,

and Ronald gets to stay home alone by himself without a babysitter.

Why do I need a babysitter?

Well, if you wanna change Chloe's diapers--

Well, if I didn't have any little brother or sister,

would you let me stay alone by myself for a few days?

Your mom and I are not Mr. and Mrs. Farber.

We worry, so no.

What if I were 12?

No.

Thirteen?

At 13, I think you'll be okay.

Can you promise?

As long as you don't still look like you're 11.

I won't.

Okay.

Thirteen, then.

Hello, in Roseland, please.

I'm looking for the address of a resident.

The name is Farber.

11 Angel Court?

Thank you.

- Hon, is that you? - Yeah.

Did you remember the milk?

Yeah.

How was the meeting?

Uh, fine.

Bill, are you all right?

I think I have to lie down.

Oh, shit.

I hope you're not coming down with whatever Johnny Grasso had.

I don't think so.

Be up in a minute.

Dad?

Yeah?

I... I...

I almost came.

Trish?

Trish?

Yeah?

Do you love me?

Oh, Bill.

- Yes. - No, I mean...

do you really love me?

No matter what?

No matter what.

Why?

No matter...

whatever?

Mm.

Bill, you have me.

You always will.

I'm sick.

Aw, honey.

Take some Tylenol.

You'll feel better tomorrow.

I met with Steven Zimmer this morning.

- Do you like him? - Yeah.

- I'm gonna use him. - Good.

I'm gonna use Marty Blau.

Good.

- I feel so much better now. - Well, good.

Shouldn't take long.

Good night.

- Lenny? - Yeah?

Can you sleep on the living room couch?

Why?

Steven Zimmer thought it would be a good idea.

Okay.

- Gin and tonic? - Okay. Thanks.

God, it's so bright outside, it gives me a headache just looking out that window.

Yeah, well, they say it's gonna rain tomorrow.

I don't wanna talk about the fucking weather.

Well, it's good for playing golf.

I hate that game. It's so boring.

It passes the time.

I like to travel.

I went to Europe once.

Have you ever been to Tahiti?

No.

How about Tunisia?

A night in Tunisia?

No. No.

Vincent never liked to travel.

I guess I'm like Vincent.

You know, when I was a child, I always imagined that...

I'd marry the man I fell in love with,

have a son and a daughter who loved me as much as I hated my mother,

then die.

Tragically and suddenly, young and beautiful.

When Vincent left me, I imagined I'd finally be happy.

I guess you haven't lost your imagination.

Lenny, I gotta get out of here.

I can't breathe.

All the women are pathetic gossips, and the men are...

Just pathetic.

I don't wanna die here.

You just don't wanna die.

Not alone.

Don't.

Don't feel guilty.

I don't.

I don't feel anything.

I have to see you.

- Who is it? - It's, uh, ahem, Kristina.

I'm sorry about last night.

Yeah. Uh...

Me too. I shouldn't have...

No. I understand.

I mean, see? I can...

I can admit it. That I'm fat.

And I'm ugly.

- No, no. - Yes.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Say...

you wanna go somewhere?

I like you.

I have a confession to make.

What?

Do you remember Pedro's penis?

Yeah, you mean, the one that was cut off?

Yeah. Um...

Well, it wasn't really cut off.

What happened to it?

Nothing.

I, uh...

I don't understand. Um...

Why would you make something like that up?

Was Pedro even killed?

How do you--? How do you know?

I tried so many times to tell you, but it's hard to, um...

I'd always been very friendly to him.

I try to be that way with all the doormen,

even though they're usually snickering behind my back.

I don't care. I'm still friendly. It's just my way.

But, um...

Pedro was different. Pedro, he never snickered.

Of course, who was he to snicker? He wasn't exactly Tom Cruise.

But still, you know, he could have. And he didn't.

So anyway, one night, I was coming home from the 24-hour Pathmark. It was late.

Good evening, Miss Hope.

- Hi, Pedro. Can you help me with these? - No problem.

Thank you.

Normally, I don't need any help,

but my back hurt because the bags were heavy.

And I had, uh, a half-gallon of strawberry ice cream,

two boxes of fudge, and a key lime pie.

And I just couldn't wait to get home and get under the covers, you know,

and watch TV.

But, uh, it was in the elevator that I first got this funny feeling,

like he was, um, you know, kind of looking at me funny.

And I thought, "Oh, well, you know, maybe he's just being friendly too."

I mean, you know, just, um, two friendly people.

- Um, would you put those in the kitchen? - No problem.

Okay.

Oh. Thanks so much, Pedro.

No problem.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Uh...

Forget about that.

What'd I really like is a scoop of your ice cream before I go back down.

Oh. Sure, please, um, have a seat.

My wife died three years ago.

I feel...

so lonely.

You are a beautiful woman, Kristina.

You are so beautiful, Kristina.

The next thing I know...

he's inside me.

Yeah, just pounding away.

Oh, Allen. I--

- All finished? - Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

Would you like to see a dessert menu?

Um...

- What kind of ice cream do you have? - Chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

Oh, um...

Okay, then I'll just have a plain chocolate fudge sundae

with strawberry ice cream, thank you.

And you, sir?

Uh, just the check, please.

So, you know, anyway, everything got really quiet,

and then I thought, "Okay, you know, at least the worst part is over."

How do you like it?

Kiss me again.

But that was just an act.

I let him kiss me one last time,

and I grabbed hold of his neck and I twisted it backward.

- Here you are. - Thank you.

And then I had to cut up his body.

You know, plastic bag all the parts.

I've been throwing it out gradually ever since.

There's still some left in my freezer.

- So you did cut off his--? - No!

I left it attached. I didn't want to touch it again.

I feel so terrible.

You must think I'm a monster, but what else could I have done?

Anyway, I couldn't help myself.

I hate sex.

I'm sorry, but just the idea of it,

of someone all over, you know, and inside of me...

I know it isn't right...

but can we still be... friends?

Um...

I guess, yeah.

Uh...

I mean, we all have our, you know...

our pluses and minuses.

It was a crime of passion.

I'm a passionate woman.

I've had you on auto redial all night.

Hello?

Yes?

I'm, uh...

Um...

Um...

I'm sorry?

Oh.

Come in.

Okay.

Please, have a seat.

Drink?

No. Thanks.

This isn't working.

No.

You're not my type.

No.

Can I come in?

I'm sorry.

I wanted to...

- Here. - Vlad!

Come inside.

Please.

Joy, why you're come here?

I came because I wanted to say that I was sorry to your wife.

Zhenia is not my wife.

So you're not really married.

Zhenia love me. It is problem.

She won't be my wife, but she don't listen.

What can I do?

What can I do?

Come. You want I drive you New Jersey? We go shopping.

No, thank you. I don't think that's--

Joy, I must ask you a question.

Yes.

But I'm very ashamed.

I'm sure I'll understand.

Good.

Can I borrow money?

It is very important.

- How much? - One thousand dollars.

- The-- - All right, 500. I need money now.

I guess I can go to a cash machine.

Good. I know where is ATM.

- Vlad? - Yes?

Could I first have my guitar and my CD player back?

Okay.

It is deal.

Do you think shopping mall in New Jersey is open tonight?

Yes, probably.

Here.

Joy.

I love you.

You love New Jersey.

I'll give you back Monday.

That's okay.

I, uh... I probably won't be there anyway.

Why not?

I don't know. I think now I have more sympathy for the strikers.

See you.

You stupid American.

So, Billy...

How was school today?

- Okay. Ronald Farber was absent. - Oh.

He was afraid of the math test.

So he stayed home?

Yeah, he cut.

That's terrible. His parents...

Mm. They don't know yet. They're still on vacation.

Oh, are they gonna be upset.

Ronald's gonna be pretty upset when he finds out that the test was canceled.

What happened?

Mrs. Paley was absent also.

Did you call Ronald and tell him?

Yeah, but there was no answer.

So was Mrs. Paley sick?

Well, everyone said she was just too strung out.

Now, why do people say things like that?

Because she's a drug addict.

And how do you know?

Mom, everyone knows.

Well, I didn't know. Did you know, Bill?

- No. - Mm-hm.

You hear that, Billy?

Well, it's what everyone says, she's a junkie.

And she's probably gonna get fired.

It's really sad.

If Mrs. Paley turns out, in fact, to be a junkie,

then she should be fired.

Don't you think so, Bill?

I don't know.

Don't you think that's a little harsh?

I mean, if it's not affecting her work...

Well, apparently it is.

No. In fact, I don't think it's a little harsh at all.

I'm sorry, but when it comes to drug abuse and children,

my children,

they should all just be locked up and throw away the key.

Billy, I want you to know, if you ever even think of doing drugs

and end up dying in a hospital,

I'd disown you. That's how strongly I feel about it.

- Trish. - No. I know I may sound harsh, Bill,

but we're talking about our kids.

Not to be too grandiose, but this is the future.

The future of our country we're taking about, after all.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Who's calling, please?

Oh, hi. Sure, hold on.

It's Joe Grasso.

Oh. Great.

- Thanks. - Mm-hm.

Hey, Joe. What's up? How's Johnny doing?

You're a dead man.

Oh, good.

Good.

No problem.

Right.

Okay. Well, take care.

Bye.

How's Johnny doing?

Uh...

Fine.

Fine.

- Never better. - Good.

We bought those Beauty and The Beast tickets for Saturday.

I don't think Billy has anyone else.

I know. No. He didn't cancel.

- Who could that be? - I'll get it.

- Who is it? - Police.

- Can I help you? - Are you William Maplewood?

Yes.

We're sorry to disturb you, but we have some questions

for you and your wife.

It has to do with your son's friend, Johnny Grasso.

Did something...?

Uh, come this way.

- Go ahead, Frank. - Thanks.

Sit, please.

Bill, who is it?

Uh, we're just finishing our dinner.

Um...

I'll be right back.

The police.

You take care of the kids.

Sorry.

Now...

you said something about Ronald Farber?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, I mean...

I mean Johnny Grasso.

- Okay. Here we go. Let's go. - Mom, I don't wanna go!

Let's go. We'll be right there!

Billy, come on, the bus is here!

Come on, honey, please, not today.

- Wait! Come on! - I wanna stay home!

Okay. I'll take you boys myself.

Dad?

Yes, Billy?

Everyone at school is saying things about you.

Who is everyone?

Like, kids, you know? Everyone.

What are they saying?

That you're...

- a serial rapist. - Mm.

And a pervert.

You mean, like what they painted on the house?

Um, Dad, did you, um...?

Uh, with Johnny Grasso

and Ronald Farber?

Yes.

What did you do?

I touched them.

What do you mean exactly, "touched"?

I fondled them.

What for?

I couldn't help myself.

What else?

I...

I unzipped myself.

You mean masturbated?

No.

Then what?

I...

made love.

What... do you mean?

I fucked them.

What was it like?

It was...

It was great.

Would... Would you do it again?

Yes.

Would...?

Would you ever fuck me?

No.

I'd jerk off instead.

I don't wanna go. Where are we going?

- Mom, I don't wanna go. - Just get in the car.

Wait, my Tamagotchi. My Tamagotchi!

So who used to live here before?

Another couple, the Hellers.

What happened to them?

They got divorced.

Anyway, so the police came and looked in her freezer

and found baggies filled with the doorman's genitals.

- I use baggies. - Me too.

Everyone uses baggies. That's why we can all relate to this crime.

- Don't you see? - I can't relate to it.

In any case, there's this guy I've met, Joy, that I'd think you'd like.

He's in computers, I think.

- How did you meet him? - He's a neighbor of mine.

You wanna call him, or should I give him your number?

I'll call him.

That would be great. I think he'd really like that.

- What about me? - I'm looking. I'm looking.

I like computers.

Trish, trust me on this one.

Not for you.

And what about me?

I haven't forgotten, Mom, it's just...

It's hard.

But I'm looking for everyone.

Well, don't look for me.

- Have you found somebody? - No. There's no one.

I heard Diane had a stroke.

She'll recover.

Mm. Well, that's good.

Where there's life, there's hope.

That's right.

- You bet. - Absolutely.

Yeah.

Could you pass some of the sweet potatoes, please?

Here.

Hey, did anyone watch Leno last night?

Timmy. Oh, Timmy.

Timmy, come over and sit on Grandma's lap.

Timmy. Timmy, what?

- Timmy? - What's the matter with Timmy?

His Tamagotchi died.

Tamagotchi.

Helen, so, what's gonna happen to that woman

- who killed your doorman? - I don't know, Mom.

It's so sad.

She's all alone.

I just wish I'd gotten to know her better.

We might have found we had something in common.

Maybe you'll write a poem about her.

Joy, I'm so sorry.

But don't worry.

I'm not laughing at you.

I'm laughing with you.

But I'm not laughing.

Let's make a toast.

- To happiness. - To happiness.

To happiness.

Kooki.

Kooki.

I-- I came.