Original subtitles

Hi, Dad. I had to wait in line three hours, but I finally got the new Tulu

Uh, look, honey, I need quiet. I'm trying to do my corporate taxes.

By the way, if anyone asks you, you were my employee for six months.

Whatever. Anyway, I'm gonna listen to this on my headphones so I won't disturb

you, okay?

Yeah, I appreciate that. The last thing I want to hear is loud music while I'm

trying to work here.

No problem.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

You're the man!

Hey! Go! Hey! Go! Hey!

We'll see you next time.

to talk to my sister Tia about it because it's about her.

I've hardly seen or talked to her in weeks.

Shh, here she comes. Watch this.

Hey, Tia, where you been lately?

Nowhere. See?

So, uh, Tia, don't forget Dinky Patterson's rollerblading party Saturday

Tamir, do I look like someone who would put on rollerblades and skate with

someone named Dinky Patterson?

Well, you look like me, and I'm going.

Well, to tell you the truth, I've been seeing a college man.

I met at the university library.

Well, bring him to Dinky's party.

Oh, Tamira, you don't understand.

His name's Michael. He's a sophomore, and he majors in engineering.

He's 2 -0.

He's 20?

He's four years older than us?

Oh, gosh, what are you guys talking about? That's just it. We talk about

everything. Politics, art, current cinema, of course.

I finally met a guy who was on my left.

What does your mom think about you dating a college man?

Tamir, please.

You'll discover that when a mature person goes one's own way, then one

need the approval of one's parent.

So one hasn't told one's parent?

No. One is afraid of what one's parent will say, and if one twin opens her big

mouth, one twin will be the only one left.

Your secret's safe with me.

So where are you going?

Oh, well, we hang out at this coffee house called Typing and Plenty.

Well, what are you going to tell your mom in case I have to go along with it?

I don't need a story.

Well, come on, Tia. We always have a story.

I mean, no rollerblading, no stories. No, no, no, Tamera.

If she asks, I'll just tell her I'm going to the coffee house. Okay, fine.

It's none of my business. Zip, zip. Done.

Sounds like a nice guy. Okay, baby, have a good time.

Thanks, Mom.

He pays to have a good story.

Hey, uh, where do you think you're going?

Can't I go with you to Plenty and Piping?

A, it's Piping and Plenty.

B, do we have to do everything together?

C, sorry to bite your head off.

Wait a minute, so you don't want me to go with you?

Well, that would be D, but I didn't want to go too far in the alphabet.

Ciao.

Gee, my sister's taking me to the curb. In Italian.

Oh, Ray, guess who's going out with a college guy?

Oh, good for you, Lisa. Maybe you can teach him a thing or two.

Not me.

Oh, no.

Wait till I get my hands on Tamara. I know if I gave her free reign, she'd do

something stupid like this.

No, no, it's Tia.

Woo, there's a break.

Oh, well, I hope you put a stop to it right away.

What for?

She's got a good head on her shoulders. I tricked her.

Well, so what's all this junk?

Excuse me, this is memorabilia I collected when I was going out with

So it is not junk. It's stuff.

Yeah, Terrence is coming over. We're going through it together.

Wait a minute. You still have feelings for this guy?

Are you kidding? I got more feelings for you.

Boy,

when you close the hatch on somebody, you weld it shut.

That's right.

Oh, that's Terrence. I can always recognize his little ding -dong.

You know, Ray, you know, Ray, Terrence might be a little emotional knowing it's

all over and everything, so about in five minutes, why don't you call me and

tell me you need a little help in the kitchen? Oh, come on, Lisa. Terrence is

grown man.

I know he can deal with this reality.

Hey, take it from me, I had a lot of experience.

Yeah, I remember when Gwendolyn kicked me to the curb.

It didn't bother me when she brought back that penguin I won for her at the

state fair.

No, it didn't bother me at all.

Fifteen tries it took me to get that diamond, that stupid thing.

I'm in the kitchen.

Remember, Ray, five minutes.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, wait a minute. You asked me to come over here.

Anyway, I found a few items myself that's been cluttering up my bachelor's

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, let's just get this over with so that we never have to

see each other again. Fine with me.

Here's that snow globe. You bought it for me on our first date. Yeah, on the

tour of the Chevy plant.

You got me in Atlanta City?

Yeah, Miss America.

Oh, I guess we won't be needing this anymore, huh?

Yeah,

we were going to hang in front of that cottage that we saw at Pine Lake.

Well, Lisa, you want to go to dinner at our favorite place?

You mean Dot Netta Shrimp Hut?

We got the bibs.

Yeah, man, my old time's sake.

And a bucket of popcorn shrimp.

Lisa, I need help in the kitchen.

Excuse me.

I asked for deep half. I taste half. Is this a scone or a paperweight?

Does this smell like Nicaraguan to you?

I guess so. Hey!

I am a serious actress.

Take this.

Well,

I live in Detroit, and there are very few acting jobs.

Besides auto shows.

Oh, how many times can I point to Illumina?

Hey, Tia.

Oh, hi, Matthew. Hi, David. Hi, Jennifer. Hi, Courtney. Hi, Marcel.

Hi, Michael.

Oh, hi, Tia.

She looks exactly like you.

Tamara, it was nice to see you.

Goodbye. Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

Tamara, this is Matthew, David, Jennifer, Courtney, Marcel, and Michael.

Oh. I'm going to show you around the place.

Tamara,

what are you doing here?

Well, can a girl get a cup of coffee?

Tamara, you followed me here?

Yes, I did. Come on, T. We always do stuff together.

What's going on? Can't I meet your friend?

Well, I guess. But the truth is, I kind of exaggerated a few things about myself

to Michael and his friend.

Like what?

Like I'm 19.

Oh, God, good. You know I'm good at stories. You didn't say no more. I'll go

along with whatever you want.

Anybody want the usual?

Tamara,

what are you having?

Uh, a slurpee.

Wait, you guys, she's kidding.

Um, she'll have a cappuccino.

You joker.

So, Tia, when are you going to transfer from Wayne State to the University of

Detroit? Wayne State?

So where do you go to college, Tamara?

Uh, Wayne State.

that Curacao festival.

I knew you'd enjoy it. Curacao is the best.

Really? I kind of prefer American -made.

Hmm, interesting, Tamara.

Elaborate on that opinion.

Don't get me wrong, Courtney. You see, Curacao is a fine motorcycle. It'll give

me a big old Harley Davidson any day. Vroom, vroom, vroom.

What?

Tamara, Akira Kurosawa was a celebrated Japanese filmmaker.

That's who we're talking about.

Yeah, it's...

Kawasaki. Not Kurosawa.

Well, we're on the subject of movies. Now, who do you think is a better

Val Kilmer? David, let's go play some chess.

Yeah, I think I'll keep score.

I'll play the winner.

Can I get a little help from a friend?

I'll be there for you in a minute.

Hey, cookies!

All right!

So, Tia, if you two didn't look exactly alike, I wouldn't even know you were six

years. Well, she acts a little juvenile. You see, she is two minutes younger

than me. But once you get to know her, she's pretty much kind of mature.

Oh, dear, look.

Princess Leia.

You'll never see

her again.

So, where's Tia?

I don't know.

Probably at the coffee house. She doesn't want to hang around me anymore.

Honey, it's normal for sisters to grow apart a little bit.

Dad, do you think I'm immature?

Absolutely not. You're a perfectly normal 15 -year -old girl.

Dad, I'm 16 -year -old.

Dad,

do you think I'm mature enough to date a college guy? Absolutely not.

What I mean to say is, I'm not mature enough for you to date a college guy.

I know you. You're 16 years old.

Why don't you just go hang out with your pals down at Senior Taco?

You know, little Ernie and Scooter and Stevie and Roger and Dinky.

Why do you have to be in such a hurry to grow up? Come on, just be my sweet

little girl.

Huh? Feel better?

Maybe you better leave before I start feeling really, really, really good.

Boy, these double cappuccinos are good.

Hey, anybody want to jog to Montreal?

Oops, sorry.

Hey, aren't you that girl that caused a major coffee disaster the other day?

Oh, why?

It was class.

Well, in that case, yeah, it was me.

I'm Henry.

You want to sit with us? Do you go to college?

Kind of.

Junior college.

Oh.

Jim Carrey, that's cool. Okay.

I just think it's ironic that Newt the Congressman and the animal Newt are both

tiny brain lizards.

It's so true.

Godwin Michael, you should put that in your column in the Daily Lugnut.

All right, all right.

Tamara, you know you're something else.

Are you really pre -med?

Uh -huh.

You must have, like, what?

See, average.

I'm starving. Hey, do you guys want to go to Geno's East?

I'm down for a road trip.

What about you, Tamera? You want a ride?

Geno's has the best pizza.

Pizza? I'm in.

All right, baby.

Pizza. See you, Tina.

You know, Lisa, we really did have some good times together.

Mm -hmm.

Especially those spur -of -the -moment weekends.

You know, I can't even remember why we decided to break up.

What? What?

I was just thinking about our weekend at Bay City.

Oh, I know, I know. My trip getting on the ferry.

Was the water cold, baby?

You know, I don't think it was really all that funny to her.

I'm sorry, baby.

You did twist your ankle pretty good.

Oh, yeah. It reminds me of you and that nurse.

Oh, yeah.

Beverly Zuccinelli.

I don't know why I remembered her name.

Now I remember why we broke up. Missed a flirt with anything in a skirt that

isn't Scottish.

Well,

sue me for being social.

I mean, just lock me in friendly jail.

Okay, who's ready for taboo?

Get out!

Hey, so what kind of doctor do you want to be?

Either a foot doctor or a brain doctor.

You know, we've been driving for a very long time. Are you sure we haven't

passed this restaurant?

We're still in Michigan.

Yeah, it's 50 miles till we get to Chicago.

Chicago?

Hi, Roger.

Listen. I'm not home right now.

I'm probably out with some beautiful girl.

Just in case you're a beautiful girl, too, leave your name, number, and turn

And I'll get right back to you.

Roger, if you're there, please pick up.

I'm stranded at a bus station in downtown Chicago.

Oh, what the youth.

It's not that good.

But Lisa, these college kids said they were going on a road trip, and I didn't

even know what a road trip was until we ended up here in Chicago.

Look, they're staying over, and I told them that I had a surgery class in the

morning.

Surgery class?

Listen, I'll explain it to you later. Just please come and get me.

Okay, honey, I'll see you in a bit.

Ooh, I hope my cat didn't make it.

Tia, can I talk to you for a minute?

Give me a bath and put me in my jammies, sweet thing.

Over here, Roger.

What do you want?

Tamara left me a strange message on my machine.

She's stuck at some bus station in Chicago.

Chicago? What is she doing in Chicago?

Maybe it's her kind of town. Chicago is.

Man, she must have ran off with those weird kids.

All right, guys, let's go.

You ready to go, Tia? Uh, yeah, Michael. On our way home, could we take a

little... Detour to Chicago. Chicago?

Yeah, my sister's stuck in a bus station there.

Look, your sister's 19. She can take care of herself.

19? She's only 16.

Do you mind?

Look, Michael, I have a confession to make.

I'm not 19, and I don't go to Wayne State.

I'm just a high school student.

Wow. You sure fooled me.

Yeah, see, I was just pretending to be older because...

I wanted to fit in with you guys.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

Ow! Roger!

Boy, talk about high school.

But then again, you are high school.

I'm sorry, Matthew, David, Courtney, Jennifer, Marcel, Michael.

I guess I should have known when you told me you had 20th century British

literature right after homeroom.

in trouble, and I'm going to need your help now.

So, can you take me to Chicago?

Gee, I'm kind of tired.

Wait a minute. How could you be tired? You had 15 cups of coffee.

Look, Tia, we should end this thing here and now. I mean, you and your sister

wanted to be adults, so here's your chance to act like it. You know,

friend Roger is much more mature than you.

Well, then have him drive you.

He would, but he doesn't have his license yet.

Who wants to go to the dorm, have coffee, and play chess?

Sounds good to me. Good luck.

Next bus from Milwaukee,

Kenosha and Green Bay is now departing from Gate 3.

You want a tip on how to get comfortable?

Sure. Go home.

Get into your own bed.

I wish I could.

Come on.

What is it?

It's a very long story.

I just... I wanted to prove I was as mature as my twin sister.

I guess it's not such a long story.

Why didn't I go rollerblading with Dinky Patterson?

Why are you kids in such a big hurry to grow up? You ought to slow down.

Enjoy being young.

I guess you would know.

I've probably seen a lot of kids like me pass through here.

Not really.

I read an article on that in the ladies' home journal.

Hot day, y 'all, sweetie.

Woo -hoo!

That was good.

That was actually not not good.

Oh, Lisa, thank you so much for coming all the way down here.

I'm glad I could count on you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, honey, it's been a four -hour ride down here. I

really got to hit that sandbox.

Oh, I've been there. Watch your step.

Thanks for helping me out, Roger.

I told you, when the chips are down, You aren't going to see those college boys.

You can always depend on me.

And your mother. She did drive us.

Keep circling, Mom. We'll be right out.

Where is Tamira? I don't see her anywhere.

Roger, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

Let me hold you in my strong arms until we figure out.

Shut up, Roger.

Sorry. Just thought I'd take advantage of your weak moment.

Mrs. Thank you so much. for not telling my sister Tia. Boy, if she found out,

I'd be really millied.

Hi, Tia. Tia!

Oh, man!

Tia, are you okay?

Yeah. Look, I know what you're gonna say. I told you so.

Right. So much less mature than you are.

It's not exactly true, Tamara. I'm the one who pretended to be a 20 -year -old

college student.

Yeah, you're right. That is pretty mature.

Tia, is that true?

You lied about your age?

Yes. Huh.

Been there, done that, bought that T -shirt.

This is so humiliating. Well, at least we kept my dad out of it. You know,

Tamara, I was going to mention something to you about that.

Hi, honey.

Hello, baby.

Ah, buzz off.

Lisa! Honey, my caddy broke down in Kalamazoo. I had to call somebody.

I told you that was your mom waving that safety flare.

Let's go to the car.

Tamara, are you okay?

Dad, I'm fine.

I'm sorry I put you guys all through this. But, Dad, before you say anything,

have learned a valuable lesson.

I shouldn't try to grow up too fast.

Finally, something I said thunk in.

Actually, Walter over there said it.

All right.

Got the new issue of Parents Magazine if you want to take a look -see.

This is pretty embarrassing, but at least nobody outside my family and

know what an idiot I've made of myself.

Tamara Campbell, please report to the information desk.

Your daddy's looking for you.

But I was worried, Sugar Lobster.

I'm still here, baby.

Good. Stay here.

Cold.

What a night.

What time is it?

7 .30 in the morning.

Oh, my gosh. Well, guess I'll just have to crash here with you guys.

For the last...

Roger. Go home!

You're my babysitter, sweet thing.

We could have been home an hour earlier if Lisa hadn't made that one last stop.